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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 110 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Bernina Laser Cut Wide Belt

Coffee Break· Under $150

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Bernina Laser Cut Wide BeltI'm loving this olive suede belt from Reiss — the laser cutouts, the double skinny straps, the rose gold hardware… love. I'd wear it with navy, black, gray, or even purple. Gorgeous. It's $150 at Reiss. Bernina Laser Cut Wide Belt (L-2)

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

    • AIMS

      I just bought something similar but a bit more staid in black leather: http://tinyurl.com/nyogojl

      For $34 I highly recommend (but size up if you’re buying, it ran smaller than I anticipatedm, esp. to wear over sweaters as I intended) …

  2. anon

    Ladies,

    I need advice. I’m 26 and dating a 30 year old. We have been together for 7 months now. I am now getting to the point where I am thinking about marriage. He is an amazing guy, and I am confident that I have found my match. After many, many years of dating, I know exactly what I want, and he fits the bill. I have never dated someone like him and have never felt so confident in a future with someone that I’m dating.

    Unfortunately I have a suspicion that 7 months is too early to ask him whether or not he sees things progressing–moving in, engagement, marriage, etc. While we’ve previously discussed that we “see a future” in this, I would like to talk specifics with him (i.e. could you see us eventually moving in? getting married? having children? etc?) And as much as I’d like to just take things day by day and enjoy the relationship as it is now, it’s killing me not to discuss a future with him. Thoughts?

    • 2Fast2Matrimony

      I think there’s a sliding scale for this – when you’re 22, two years is about when you start having “where is this going” conversations. At 27, a year is about the correct length of time. Once you hit your mid-thirties, six months is plenty of time.

      In your shoes, I’d tell myself that at the 10 month mark (to compromise), if it hasn’t come up naturally, you can ask, but until then, keep in your head that it’s future anon’s problem, and just enjoy being with someone who makes you feel so amazing.

    • roses

      I think 7 months at your and his ages is an OK time to start subtly raising questions about whether you’d be compatible in the future. I think now is a good time to figure out if he fits your “must haves.” For instance, if you are 100% sure you want kids, or want to live in city X, or whatever, you really should find a way to bring it up. Shouldn’t be that hard to remark on a cute kid you see out, or in a commercial or a movie, and segway into asking whether he wants kids. It’s also pretty normal I think to talk about where you each see yourselves headed with your careers, etc.

      Assuming you establish that he fits your “must haves,” I’d say then let things progress more naturally. If your relationship seems very serious – you are seeing each other multiple times a week, staying over each others’ places, talking all the time, you’ve met each other’s family (if feasible) or friends, I think it’s a sign that you might be ready to move in together. You can float the idea by mentioning that your or his lease is up on X date, and go from there.

    • Bee

      If you want to talk to your partner about something, you should talk to him about it. If you want to know what he’s thinking, then be prepared to listen to what he has to say. No, 7 months is not too early.

      • phillygirlruns

        +1 to Bee. talk to him about it, especially dealbreaker-type things like having kids and getting married. it doesn’t mean that you intend to take any of those steps OMGRIGHTTHISSECOND, but if you two aren’t on the same page about major issues like that, it’s important to know.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I agree with Bee. I’m of the mind that I’d rather know that I can talk to my partner about anything whenever I feel like I’m ready to. I was a little nervous about it, but I figured that since I felt like he was the one that I wanted to be with that it was important to me to know that I could bring stuff like that up.

        My relationship moved really quickly and I pretty much moved in after a few months and actually officially moved in at the 8-month mark. We discussed the fact that we both felt like living together was a step on the way to marriage and that if one of us wasn’t comfortable being on that path then we weren’t ready to live together. It was important to me to feel comfortable having these discussions. If he wasn’t ready to discuss it then I would have listened and waited until he was ready or I felt like we weren’t heading in the same direction and I’d have to make a decision about whether to keep waiting or leave.

        • Cb

          I agree, if it is weighing at all on your mind, you should discuss it. I drank quite a lot of Pimms and poured out with ‘can I be crazy for ten? I assume we want the same things (we had some recent conversations about the future in the context of my career), but you know what they say about assuming…’ It felt so much better, we aren’t in any hurry but also know that we want the same things.

          Plus, it’s less awkward when our no-filter friends tell us what cute babies we are going to have.

        • Another anon

          I guess just be prepared… if he’s NOT on the same page with you, then what will happen, and when?

      • roses

        Would you really call a boyfriend of 7 months a “partner” though? I totally agree with Bee’s concept when you already consider someone to be your serious, in-it-for-the-long-haul person. But when you’re trying to decide whether or not someone is that person for you, I think it makes sense to do it tactfully. Everyone has different comfort zones, so you don’t want to push someone too soon if your relationship isn’t serious enough for it yet. Anon’s relationship could be that serious, in which case I agree with the direct approach, but I don’t think it’s a given.

        • AIMS

          I think it really depends on the relationship. In my serious relationships, 7 mos. was always a pretty serious point already because I tend to either get serious or not, but I don’t date someone once a week for months on end. But other people I know can be with someone for a year and they haven’t gotten that serious and see each other maybe 3-4 times a month. So, I think people approach these things differently.

          I’d say if you’ve said you love each other, you can certainly bring up the future. Likewise, I think it’s fine to talk about your general plans (e.g., I can’t imagine ever moving from city X or I have always want to raise my kids in my hometown). And, honestly, I think if something is going to work out, you’re not going to f. it up by bringing up the future. When Mr. AIMS and I first started seeing each other, one of the first questions he asked me — when we were not even thinking there was any possibility of getting serious together — was where I saw myself in five years. I remember thinking how refreshing it was. I didn’t run away screaming for the hills.

          For the OP, pay attention to how this guys acts when it comes to making plans – do you get factored in? Is it assumed you will spend weekends or holidays together? Does he talk about vacations with you? Have you met his family and friends? When he talks about the ones you haven’t met, does he do so assuming you will meet them at some point (e.g., “you and my sister will get along great”)? Most of the signs that say he is serious should be there at this point… Start looking for them.

      • TCFKAG

        I really have to agree with the general concept of Bee’s post – we get a lot of posts on here “how do I ask my BF this” or whatever – but here’s the thing, communication is key to any relationship. I think 7 months in is a fine time in most relationships (unless, like, you’re still sleeping with other people or in college or something) to ask generally what he thinks about marriage, if he believes in living together first, and what he thinks about you two.

        What I would NOT do is say “I want us to get married before x date” or “Where do you think this is going….NOW GO.” As some generalized questions, start feeling him out, and frankly, make clear to him that any answer is okay.

        But in the end, you need to be able to talk to your significant others about things that are worrying you or that you need to talk about. This is one of them. Who care about what “the rules” say the timeline should be. Yes – you may get the answer that it is “too soon” but that does not mean “never.” And remember that seriousness comes in stages – so maybe start taking more preliminary steps together – stay at each other’s places more, do domestic type things together (grocery shop, that sort of thing), don’t always go on planned dates, etc. and think about maybe increasing your time staying together a bit – like to full weeks. Commitment can sort of be a thing that happens while you’re living your life together, you don’t have to wake up one day and declare “We are committed now.”

        Anyway, just my two cents.

        • gouda

          +1 on this. There is a world of difference between asking someone if they want kids and asking them if they want kids with you.

      • Ellen

        Since you think he is the ONE, then go for it NOW. Your egg’s are NOT getting any frescher then they are NOW, and why wait. Hopefully he feel’s the same way you do, and if he does is NOT it better to get mooving on it NOW so that you can be MARRIED sooner rather then later? I say YAY to you for askeing.

        There is NO downside to askeing. I waited to long for Alan, and then he weazeled away, prefering the BOTTEL to me. FOOEY on him and men who do NOT committ to a awoman who does everything for them.

        You have a good man. Ask him now, but do NOT moove in with him or get pregenent until you know he is to MARRY you! DO NOT GIVE HIM FREE MILK. YAY!!!!!!

    • springtime

      I think you should wait a bit. Guys don’t like to be pressured into situations, and even if you aren’t trying to pressure him, it may feel that way to him. I think something closer to 10 months -1 year is better.

      Think of it this way- if you ask him, and he’s not on the same page as you, what will you do? Will you keep dating him? If the answer is yes, then you can wait to ask. If you think that you may re-evaluate the relationship if he’s unsure about your future, then that’s a different story.

    • goldribbons

      I moved in with my boyfriend after dating for seven months. Now we’re happily married. If you’re ready to talk, ask him about it. Even in a “this has been on my mind, do you think we should discuss it or wait a few more months?” You know your relationship better than any internet anon.

    • Pat

      What about him? Does he give you any clues or anything to draw upon? What are the signs he’s been giving you, if any? If you want to talk to him, find the right time and place so it will come off right. Build it into the conversation that you want to see what he thinks and marriage is not something you want to do right now, right now. However, always be prepared that just because he says marriage is in the future, it doesn’t mean that he will one day ask you to marry him. People change and he might see marriage with you today but not next week.

    • AnnonFoo

      Wow, ladies, this is a very helpful thread with such good insights. I am not in a long term relationship right now but I know what “signs”/time frame to look for in my future relationships.

      Looking back this sounds funny but the only solid indication of a future I ever got from an ex was over a drunk text saying “Don’t worry I will be with you for the rest of your life ” as I was making sure he did not drive in that condition but took a cab instead. Not that I believed him, but I was glad he got home safe.
      Will keep in mind all the concrete and sober signs of “future together” going forward.

      • TCFKAG

        All the stuff written above WAS interesting and nice to know about those people, but everyone’s relationship is *different* and that’s kind of crucial. So don’t take a thread with answers from what, at most 20, people as “the definitive answer” because there isn’t one.

        My DH and I always joke that we were compatible in at least one good way – a terrible fear of commitment and an inability to talk about the future or our feelings all that well. What did that mean – we took things very slow. While I had friends who declared love for their BF’s/GF’s in a week or two or a month, I think we might have hit the 4-6 month range on that (I’m not a super nostalgic person so I don’t keep close track) – I met his family “officially” after four months or so – but under protest, I would have gone longer. Yet during all this – we were seeing each other at least twice a week, I was spending many weekends at his house, I had a drawer, he bought food he knew I liked for the fridge (and vice versa), he knew all my friends, and it felt right and comfortable and lovely. So…we just didn’t do the emotions thing – we did the actions thing. We talked very occasionally about things like kids and stuff – like when I met his new nephew and went crazy with the cute. But it was all hypothetical and very “haha – so far in the future” on the outside while on the inside we were both taking notes. Our relationship didn’t take a turn for the much more serious until he moved about 600 miles north for me to be with me while I was in law school – but still he framed the reason as much because “I hate talking on the phone” as “I want to be with you.”

        And our engagement sort of went like this. At a certain point about a year and a half before the time I had mentally decided should be our wedding period, I said to him “you know how we wanted a ________ wedding; you know how weddings take a little more than a year to plan…well…we sort of need to get engaged in the next couple of months so we can make that happen.” And because he is a very driven, tunnel vision type of person, we were engaged three weeks later. So, we’re not romantics – we forget anniversaries more often than we remember them (both of us) and he doesn’t bring me home flowers unexpectedly (he thinks they’re wasteful) – but he cooks me dinner most nights and he does my laundry and when I’m in the hospital he sits with me while I sleep or read the internet and he reads a book and is just there.

        TL;DR? Here’s what I’m saying, even if you’re not in a relationship, read the book “The Four Languages of Love.” I hadn’t until recently and it suddenly explained SO MUCH to me about our relationship. How you communicate your feelings to your loved ones and how you introduce talks about the future has as much to do with your partner as it does with the “rules” – so being able to figure that out quickly is vital. Just something to think about. AND GEESH HOW DID THIS GET SO LONG? sorry.

    • Ellen

      Since you think he is the ONE, then go for it NOW. Your egg’s are NOT getting any frescher then they are NOW, and why wait. Hopefully he feel’s the same way you do, and if he does is NOT it better to get mooving on it NOW so that you can be MARRIED sooner rather then later? I say YAY to you for askeing.

      There is NO downside to askeing. I waited to long for Alan, and then he weazeled away, prefering the BOTTEL to me. FOOEY on him and men who do NOT committ to a awoman who does everything for them.

      You have a good man. Ask him now, but do NOT moove in with him or get pregenent until you know he is to MARRY you! DO NOT GIVE HIM FREE MILK. YAY!!!!!!

    • anon again

      Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. He and I are serious in terms of seeing each other nearly everyday (ok who am I kidding–it’s everyday). We alternate staying at each other’s places. We already have a summer vacation planned. We’ve met the parents and extended family.

      I think I already have the signs that he feels like we have a future–I think I just need to hear it, and I want to say it. It’s sort of how I felt about the whole “I love you” phase of our relationship. We’ve danced around saying it in various ways, but it’s like I want to hear him express it directly. I just don’t want him to think that it means I WANT AN ENGAGEMENT RING AND MARRIAGE AND KIDS RIGHT NOW. Because I don’t. I can be patient. But do I want him to know that I can clearly see those things in our future and that they’re something that I cannot wait to have with him? HECK YES.

      But I think I’m just going to wait. If this is truly a “forever” relationship, it can wait. He’s not going anywhere, and neither am I. I’m honestly not in a rush. I just want to be sure that we’re on the same page. But judging by his actions, I know that we are.

      • Anon

        It all sounds lovely and I am sure it will work out in the end. It is truly a lovely thing when something like this is part of your life. Enjoy!

  3. Anonymous

    Has anyone else been following today’s Leslie Berlowitz drama? It got me thinking –

    What possesses people (in this day and age when fact checking is just standard) to lie about their qualifications? Not like, inflate how much responsibility you *really* had for that project, but actually outright lie about degrees you have or don’t have? How do you think people in power should respond when these lies are found out? Is there ever a “good” response to something like that?

    • Jill

      Yes, fire them. I see absolutely nothing wrong with firing someone who lied about an actual black-and-white fact, assuming that it was a requirement for the job.

      Then find out how they missed information that should be easy to find. Did someone drop the ball (I’m not saying this person should be fired)? Is there not an actual process in place to make sure someone checks these things? If you’re going to require that someone have a degree in XYZ, you’d best have a way to check that.

  4. Anon for Turkey

    I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a ‘r e t t e mention being in/from Turkey, but for anyone affected by the violence, my thoughts are with you.

    • Houda

      I recall Kat had made a map for all the r r e t t es (I was the only dot in Morocco …) does anyone still have the link to that?
      I’m curious to see how we evolved.

  5. Seattlesq

    I have credit to spend at Boden, but, unfortunately, no time to shop. Do any of you have any recs of pieces you love in Boden’s current collection (US, online)? I’d love to find a summery piece or two that’s could do double-duty for business-casual workwear & weekends. Maybe a dress or a lightweight cardigan.

    • anon

      If you’re a dress person, I’d say the lace dress in Navy. I’ve been drooling over it. (Sorry about that, here, let me wipe it off.) The dark color subdues the lace, but it’s super feminine and adorable, and with different toppers and accessories, could easily go from the office to brunch.

    • In the Pink

      Loving the textured ponte dress. It is great for in the office AC without a jacket. Love that it has a real waistline, not an empire that Boden seems to overly adore. Very mad men/TWA/Come Fly with Us … in a good way. I got all 3 colors it was so great. I’ll have to put something else on top of the turquoise one as I have olive skin. See, I love it!

      Also like the Cheltenham dress. Warning: I had to shorten it a lot and I’m 5’4″. Lovely full skirt. Should also go year round.

      Both easy to dress up/down…but not for outside in summer, hot, humid if you have to walk to commute or be outside for an event, imo.

      Lovely dresses.

  7. eclipse

    Ladies, can you help me settle something? My (single) friend was invited to a wedding with a plus one, and she wants to bring another (female) friend as her “date.” She’s in her late thirties, if it matters. I expressed surprise, and she was surprised that I was surprised, saying that she was invited with a guest, and she would feel more comfortable with another friend there. I told her I would only take someone I was dating (somewhat seriously!) as a date to a wedding. Otherwise, I go alone. It seems ridiculous to me that she would use the extra spot as an opportunity to bring a random friend along, but now I wonder if I’m the one that’s out of line.

    Each of us thinks the other is being unreasonable. What do you think?

    • Gus

      I’m with you. “Plus one” means to bring someone you’re dating, not just a random friend. Someone in her late thirties should be grown up enough to go to social events all on her own, if need be, and if not, then she should just stay home.

    • Anon

      If you don’t know anyone there, I think it’s reasonable to bring a friend. Couples generally want their guests to enjoy themselves.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I think it depends on how close I am to the bride or groom. I could see inviting a close friend who was single with a plus 1 and feeling fine with whoever they’d want to bring. Especially if they weren’t likely to know many other people or would be one of the only single people there. That said, I know there are a lot of strong feelings about this kind of topic though, so I might ask the bride/groom if we were really close friends (or someone in the bridal party) whether they intended me to bring a serious date or whether a friend would be ok.

    • Anonymous

      Eh. If it were my wedding, I’m not sure if it would matter to me at all. The whole point of giving a guest a “plus one” is so they don’t feel uncomfortable alone at an event where there are many other couples and they may not know anyone else. If they use that for a random date, fine, if they use that for a random friend, also fine. The whole point is for them to feel comfortable – not sure why the bride/groom would be bothered.

      I mean, most people wouldn’t look askance at women asking *male* friends to come along to a wedding, even if they aren’t serious or even dating (or the other way around – I’ve been asked to go to weddings by guy friends who I’m not with – it’s more like, “I need a date for X event, do you want to come with?” where X event could be a wedding, a company Christmas party, whatever, and both of us know it isn’t a real “date”)) so why would we impose that standard on same gender friends?

    • Alice

      I don’t know if I think either person is being unreasonable, but I tend to side with your friend IF she doesn’t know other peole at the wedding. For myself, if given a plus one, I’d bring a date if:

      1. I was dating someone somewhat seriously; or
      2. I didn’t know any other guests at the wedding.

      It sounds like your friend is in the second position. If she was dating someone seriously, perhaps the bride and groom would have adressed the invitation to her S.O. by name as well–and by giving her a +1, they are acknowledging that she will bring someone they may not know. I don’t know why it should matter to the bride and groom that the unknown date is a female friend rather than a (male?) S.O.

      But if a whole posse of your friend’s buddies will be at the wedding as well, I would agree with you that having a friend who doesn’t know the bride and groom might be odd.

      • Maggie

        I agree with Alice, and also would add:
        3. If it’s a destination wedding/involves extensive travel/hotel stay.

        I’m going to a friend’s wedding (someone I know but am not close enough to for an invite) as my close friend’s +1. The wedding is in the city where I live but my close friend is flying in from out of state to attend the wedding. In this case the bride actually suggested that my other friend invite me as her +1 if she didn’t have a date (so that solved the “ask the bride first” problem) but in general I think if you have to travel for a wedding and have a +1 you should be able to bring a friend for company.

    • Anonymous

      I’m with your friend, mainly because if the couple knew her well enough to invite her-plus-one (instead of Her and Mr. Her, by name), then that means they know there isn’t necessarily a Mr. Her to be invited. And if a plus one wasn’t acceptable, the invite would have been for her only.

      • Small Town Atty

        This!

        When Mr. Small Town and I got married, we decided to invite the SO’s of guests in serious relationships, and not to add a +1 to any of the invitations. So the invitations were addressed to “Friend and Friend’s BF” or just to “Friend.” We felt ok about that bc we were inviting several people from each of our various groups of friends, and figured everyone would have someone to talk to.

    • cbackson

      I brought my best friend as my plus-one to another very close friend’s wedding. Although I’m very close with the bride, I don’t know her friends well, and it was a destination wedding to boot. Although I understand that some people get shirty about this, my perspective is that if the bride and groom want to control who a guest brings as her date, they’d better put the approved date’s name on the invitation. If they simply invite her “and guest”, she’s free to bring a guest, full stop.

      That said, I checked with my friend that it was okay. If she’d said no, I wouldn’t have done it, but (TBH) I would have been slightly hurt. Think about it this way – what’s a better use of the “extra spot”: my best friend or some random guy I’ve been dating for two weeks? The latter would constitute a date, but why’s that superior to bringing a friend? What about if the friend is male? Does he have to be straight? Etc.

    • Orangerie

      I think “and guest” on a wedding invitation generally means the bride and groom are okay with you bringing someone they may not know. If they know that a guest in question has an SO, the accepted etiquette is to address the invitation with both names. If they don’t want a wedding guest to bring a random, they wouldn’t give them a +1.

    • Anon

      I was eager to invite my cousin and her boyfriend. When I asked her about it, she said that her boyfriend wasn’t able to make it, and she had already invited another random friend.

      I was annoyed but I’m sucking it up. But if I were my cousin, I would have NEVER done what she had done. I had other guests that I wanted to invite — not just my cousin’s random friend!

    • NoVAAtty

      My husband’s friend asked this same question for our wedding and we said sure – like others said, we wanted her to have fun. And then she came to the wedding without her friend. Without telling me in advance. There was $150 down the drain.

    • Young Consultant

      As the youngest of 30 sum first cousins, I have been to close to 25 weddings in the past 10 years, and I really believe this is a know the bride/groom/wedding situation.

      My female married cousin brought a friend rather than her husband to a cross country wedding and used the weekend as a bit of a girls trip, while her husband stayed home with the kids. It was a huge wedding and everyone seemed to think this was great. Another single female cousin brought a friend to a intimate wedding and several of my aunts thought this was a bit rude but nothing insane. I doubt the bride and groom cared.

      I received a plus one for a smaller wedding recently and really wanted to bring my friend. However, I know I likely only got a plus one because the last time I spoke to my cousin I had a very serious boyfriend, with whom I have since broken up. So, I reluctantly replied that it would be just me. If they gave you a plus one knowing you have no significant other, I think you are well within your rights to bring whomever you want, espeicially for larger weddings.

  8. Out of my realm

    This question is about potentially making babies so skip if you aren’t into that.

    My husband and I have always been ambivalent about whether we are going to have kids. In the last year or so (we are 32) we started thinking more seriously about it and decided it would be nice to have one (and just one) and set a tentative plan to ttc this fall.

    Then my husband got a new job (which is very awesome) in our town which doesn’t require mobility (rare in his world) or regular travel. However, he will have a mandatory training on the other side of the country for two months in early 2014.

    I know nothing about pregnancy and babies. We have few friends where we live and both of our families live away. (Mine are a a couple hours away by car, his by plane.) I know in reality you can rarely if ever perfectly time your pregnancy since few people get pregnant in the first shot. But, you can still actively prevent it. I’m curious from those that have been pregnant, when the hardest part would have been to be alone without your SO’s physical support.

    I feel like the first trimester would be hard because no one else knows. The last trimester would be hard because you need some physical help. In any trimester there are things I’m not going to want to do – like the litter box. I’m considering just putting off TTC (if we even decide to for certain) until after his training, but I had liked the idea of a summer maternity leave if we had successfully conceived in fall. Any thoughts from those who have been there and done that? I’m sure being alone and pregnant for two months would be totally doable and tons of people do it all the time. I’m just not sure if I want to.

    • mascot

      Eh, I think you are fine so long as he is back home by 36 weeks for a normal risk-pregnancy. He may miss some of the “moments” like the ultrasounds, but that’s something he can decide on. I was so exhausted first trimester I didn’t feel up to much activity. I felt bad for my husband who sat bored sometimes while I napped on the and refused most food other than cereal and peanut butter thanks to nausea. From 14-40 weeks, I was pretty good to go and didn’t need much help. You can always hire someone to help clean, paint, assemble furniture, etc.

      • CKB

        +1. The most important time for him to be there is the birth & 4th trimester (first 3 months after birth).

    • Gus

      You’re over-thinking this. Just make sure he’s home when you due date is nearing. Otherwise, I can’t see that the timing matters much at all.

    • Diana Barry

      I would avoid the training falling after 35 weeks, but otherwise it would be whenever you prefer. If you prefer being sick by yourself, for example, then it would be fine for him to be away during the first tri (then you can be sick/lie around and watch TV by yourself/etc). But I found that I was the most comfortable from weeks 14-30 or so.

    • Vimes

      As someone who spent almost my entire pregnancy (luckily, not high risk and no major problems except the usual annoyances and discomforts) in a long-distance marriage, and a demanding job, it’s really not a big deal.
      The first few months after birth were another story (my DH was back just before due date – like you, we had a fixed end date). I could not have managed without him at the birth and after.

      • mama of 2

        Exactly. This is not a big deal. Having said that, I could not have faced cleaning bathrooms during my first tri in either pregnancy (too much nausea), but if DH doesn’t do it, a cleaning service certainly can. Other than that, TTC as you please.

    • RR

      Last few weeks before due date–35 to 36 weeks. Otherwise, you’d be fine.

      There’s really no good time. You may (or may not) feel bad first trimester (on the other hand, you’re likely to be exhausted and can just spend lots of time sleeping without feeling guilty). You’ll feel best second trimester, but that’s also when a lot of the more interesting appointments are (genetic testing if you do that, ultrasound). You may feel huge and ugh in the third trimester, but as long as he’s there for the birth, you’ll be fine.

    • Melinda

      It is a wonderful experience, but you should get started right away, because you don’t want to miss out. Have hubby do whatever he can to come home early on your fertile days, and do not waste time! You will enjoy every minute of it, even tho the pregnancy has challenging times. When you are about to give birth, you may never want to have a man near you again, but this will subside once you are home and acclimated to being a mom. After 16 months, if you are like me, you will want to do it all over again. Go for it, now, and have fun!

      • Anon

        So true! We conceived right before my husband left for 3 months’ training (after
        “trying on purpose” once!) and it was totally fine. Had a slightly panicked moment the day I took the home test and realized what had happened, but it was totally, completely fine! He was thrilled to be told over the phone. I was able to keep it to myself at work for 12 weeks and not feel guilty about wanting to sleep the second I came through the door after work.

        It all went so well that when we had baby #2 and I went into labour at 35 weeks (“Sure, honey, go to that conference – the baby won’t be 5 weeks early!”) I didn’t worry one bit except for the possibility that he might miss the happy event. Thankfully (for my wonderful girlfriends) baby #2 waited for his Dad and Air Canada came through and got him there in time.

        I agree with Melinda – go for it and enjoy! It’s a wonderful life we all have!

    • Sarabeth

      Very late to this, but if you are still reading: I am six months pregnant, and I am on a work trip on another continent through 35 weeks of pregnancy, so living away from my husband and the rest of my support network. It has been a total non-issue. Granted, I’ve had a relatively easy pregnancy; I know not everyone is so lucky. But still, I would not worry at all about your husband’s training. Much better to do this stuff now rather than when there’s an actual baby–at least that’s the logic with my own work trip!

  9. Anon

    I recently got married; I’m in the process of buying and furnishing a house; we are trying to conceive; we still need to plan a honeymoon; and I’m attempting find a new job. I am just so overwhelmed by all the little tasks that go along with all these things. My husband’s job is more time-consuming than mine currently so I am taking on the bulk of these things. I have the time to do it all, but I’m mentally overwhelmed by being responsible for so much stuff – research to do, calls to place, decisions to make, etc. Then I think, what if we do have a kid? What if I do find a more challenging and time-consuming job? Then it will be 100x worse. It seems like life is never going to calm down. Any words of wisdom?

    • anonypotamus

      I totally feel you!* We are planning wedding/honeymoon, both adjusting to working full time (just finished law school last year, and passed the bar in December), dealing with the aftermath of a bad car accident (insurance, getting a new car, pursuing a potential lawsuit), and furnish a house. I find the best thing that works for me is to first make a giant list with mini lists for each project. I have a wedding list with all the tasks under it, and I have a work list, honeymoon list, etc. Then, whenever I think of something that I need to do, I can immediately add it to the list so its out of my brain. Then I take a couple of minutes and try and prioritize the items on each list. I either assign a due date or broad categories (soon, in 1 month=, in 2 months, etc). That helps me narrow down what needs to get down right now, or in the immediate future so I can focus just on a few things. Then each day, I figure out what one or two things I can reasonably get done. It can get overwhelming thinking about everything at once, and I find dumping everything into a list helps me.

      The other thing I try and do is automate things as much as possible – make the same thing for lunch everyday, go grocery shopping on the same day, after meal planning, go to bed at the same time/wake up at the same time, delegate other tasks (like cleaning or laundry) to outside sources. That way, my daily to-do list isn’t clogging up the bigger term projects.

      TL:DR – organize and prioritize and also remember to live in the moment. It’s not worth getting worked up or overwhelmed about stuff that hasn’t happened yet. Just take it a day at a time!

      *sorry for the novel!

    • TBK

      When I’m overwhelmed I find lists help. Would it help if each morning you made a list of things to do that day, making sure to include no more than is completely, 110% reasonable to accomplish in that day, and to include at least a couple of easy ones (like “run search on airfares for honeymoon to get a sense of cost” or “call doctor and schedule pre-TTC consult”)? Then you can check something off each day — basically take baby steps each day. This might stress you out more, but I also find it calming to write out every single thing that needs to get done, often with an estimate of how long it takes to do it. Then I allocate those items among the number of days it would take to accomplish them. Instead of an amorphous mass of “THING TO DO” I have a step-by-step of exactly how to get it done.

      • NatalieR

        Agree. Especially agree the suggestion to include a few little/easy tasks that you know you can complete. Even a tiny achievement motivates me to keep going with my list.

    • ac

      Take a deep breath and prioritize. Maybe you’re superwoman and can handle all that at the same time — I know I couldn’t! Push back what you can and involve your husband as it shouldn’t all fall on you. I’d perhaps consider a hiatus from some of these tasks — perhaps say you’ll work on just finding a job and 1-2 other tasks for a month and then consider whether you want to prioritize differently after a month. Good luck!

    • L

      Is there a reason to rush? No snark, just wondering because it seems like you all are trying to do 100 things when there’s room for 5. Prioritize your list and figure out what you actually * need * to do right this second.

  10. rant rant rant

    Gave notice at my job last week and will be here for another three weeks. It’s a mid-level position for me, but some responsibilities are being reallocated after my departure; my successor will come in as an entry-level hire.

    Things that are driving me crazy:
    +The directors have discouraged me from teaching the other experienced entry- to mid-level person how to do some of the specialized things I do, meaning that when I leave, no one will know how to do them. (This also seems, weirdly, as though they’re not at all interested in opportunities for her to grow and learn, even though she is widely regarded as terrific.)
    +My boss has only scheduled one person to come in and interview and is stonewalling when I ask about other candidates.
    +There are a bunch of interns here for the summer who started yesterday. Several of them are fresh college graduates and may well be interested in the entry-level opening. I asked the directors if I should let the interns know that I’m available for questions–and they discouraged me from even publicizing the opening to the interns, because “if one of them wants it then we’ll be down an intern for the rest of the summer.”

    The short-sightedness is driving me INSANE. It’s only another three weeks, and I’m dreading it.

    • NOLA

      The thing is, in three weeks, it won’t be your problem. You won’t work there anymore and, if someone doesn’t know how to do what you do, it’s the directors’ problem, right? They may want to reorganize your job after you leave and don’t want to discuss it with you and that’s their prerogative. Let go. Unless they start contacting you for help after you leave, it’s none of your business how they handle it.

  11. Insane?

    I need to know if I’m insane for doing this. I took a job a little over a year ago that I didn’t really want but took because I’d been unemployed for about nine months and we needed some stability. The plan was to have a baby while I was in this job because just about the only upside to the job is that it’s a straight 9-5 and there are lots of moms/women in the office who’ve gone on maternity leave.

    The job ultimately turned out to be worse than anticipated. I already knew the pay was low for my qualifications and it was not in my field (and therefore not very helpful for moving my career forward). It turns out the workplace is mind-bendingly unprofessional (I did better quality work when I was 16 — not because I’m so great but because the standards here are shockingly low), there’s no morale, there are a lot of bizarre and unpleasant people, and what I’m actually doing isn’t even what I was originally brought in to do (which was at least tangentially related to my field whereas what I’m doing now is absolutely not related at all).

    Meanwhile, after a year of trying, no baby. We’re now moving on to IVF. My question is, is it insane to do IVF and actively look for a new job at the same time? I’m almost 36 and really don’t want to put off having children, especially since we’re having trouble as it is. On the other hand, the thought of being stuck here for another year or more (considering pregnancy, possible multiple IVF cycles, and then job searching itself) makes me feel frantic and trapped. Do I need to just suck it up and stay put if I want a baby, or should I head out and see what job I can get and if I wind up with a new job when I’m newly pregnant, well, that’s a good problem to have?

    • Alice

      Take this with a grain of salt, as I’ve never been pregnant, but I would move forward with both IVF and looking for a job. If you are having trouble conceiving, you don’t want to delay (for peace of mind as well as everything else). And if and when you get another job offer, then you can think about whether it would be conducive to maternity leave / life after having kids.

      It doesn’t sound like you’d want to stick around with this job long-term anyway, so you may as well see if you can find something else that would allow for decent maternity leave and work-life balance.

    • Noelle

      I was in a similar boat about a year ago. FWIW, here are some random thoughts:

      1. Your chances of success with IVF only decrease with age. This is not something to put off.

      2. Do you think you’ll be traveling as part of your job search? IVF is easier to handle if you have a stable schedule because you will have a lot (a lot! a lot!) of doctor’s appointments and because some of the medications need to be taken at very precise times. Other medications need to be refrigerated. So if you’re looking for jobs in different cities, then IVF will be inconvenient (though not impossible).

      3. IVF is not a fun process. I don’t mean to scare you, but I found it stressful and time-consuming and at times heart-breaking. Now some people would hear that and say, “Why add a stressful job search on top of that?” My attitude was more like: “My job does not make me happy. The fact that I can’t get pregnant does not make me happy. But at least looking for a new job, and feeling like I can maybe change that part of my life for the better, will make me feel more in control of my life and therefore happier. And getting a job I like will definitely make me happier.” I guess my advice boils down to this: When going through fertility treatments, you gotta aim for happiness in whatever part of your life you can get it.

      • Noelle

        One more thought: Don’t forget about health insurance in all of this. My old job, which I did not like, had amazing health insurance that generously covered fertility treatments. My current job has no such coverage. Fortunately, I was able to switch to my husband’s insurance which has modest coverage for fertility treatments. I still think I would have changed jobs even if it meant having no insurance coverage for fertility treatments, but it’s just another thing to keep in mind.

        • Insane?

          My current insurance is terrible and none of the treatments are covered. But my husband is self-employed, so any job I got would have to have insurance that could apply immediately to pre-natal/delivery stuff if I switched jobs while pregnant. I guess the worst case would be that I could have to turn down a job if I was pregnant and it didn’t cover delivery until after you’d been with them for 12 months (which I’ve heard some insurance requires).

          • L

            The new insurance exchanges will be open in Oct. and coverage starts Jan. 1. worst case scenario (other than cobra) you could apply for coverage that way.

      • Insane?

        Thanks for posting. It’s great to hear from someone who’s been there. Yeah, I got the full download from the doctor and nurse last week on the IVF process. W. T. F. That is a LOT of needles! And hormones! And trans-v—- ultrasounds! But you’re completely right. Having something going in a positive direction in my life would be incredibly helpful. (My husband and I are also dealing with his recovery from a somewhat serious injury and the recent death of a very close and young relative. So there’s a lot of not happy things right now.)

        • Noelle

          W.T.F. is right. You’ll feel like a human pin cushion by the time you’re done, but most shots weren’t terribly painful. And to the bad a$$ point below, it is kind of empowering to load up that syringe and take care of business.

          I’m sorry to hear about all the not happy things going on in your life right now. Best of luck as you go through the whole process.

    • I would go

      If it were me, I would look for some place else. Getting away from that mess will be better for you mentally, which should hopefully help as you’re TTC. And nothing is ever promised. If it takes awhile to get pregnant, you don’t want to have wasted even more time there.

      It sounds like many other situations would be better, whether it’s in doing what you have training in or simply being in a better office culture. The unknown is always scary. But sometimes you have to shift with what life throws at you and be willing to take active steps to make things better. Life is too short to be unhappy with the situations that you can control.

    • RR

      Do not wait on IVF. As noted, it’s only harder as you go forward. I’m 36, in my second IVF pregnancy. I’ve been through two cycles, neither of which went according to plan timing-wise. I’ve given myself shots while in a hotel for a trial. I’ve (both times) declined the egg retrieval sedation in favor of a local because I had to (1st time) go to trial that day or (2nd time) give a presentation that afternoon. I’ve been halfway through a cycle dealing with multiple insurance changes because my husband was laid off, went on COBRA, found a new job a week later. In both cases, I thought I’d planned better, but my body and trial schedules disagreed. While I don’t recommend IVF during a three week jury trial, I got through it. It wasn’t that bad. And it worked, and I have twins. And it worked the second time, when I occasionally cried in my boss’s office from the crazy hormones. There’s no chance IVF is fun, but you’ll be fine. Whatever else you have going on. And in five years, you’ll have a story that makes you feel kind of like a bad a$$.

      So I’d do IVF and find another job at the same time, and just make it work. Because you are a bad a$$.

        • RR

          Aw. Don’t know if anyone is still reading, but you made my day!

          Seriously though, every woman who goes through IVF is kind of my hero. Try to maintain your sense of humor, and you’ll be fine. One of my best memories of either pregnancy experience is my husband and I after transfer with our twins when they have you hang out for a few minutes. They give you a picture of the embryos, and my husband named them, and we were laughing so hard I had to ask the nurse if it was going to be a problem. So, it’s possible to have great memories, even of such ridiculous medical intervention to have a baby.

          Best of luck!!!

    • Silvercurls

      I just wanted to give you some moral support as you exchange your current situation for something with greater happiness. If parts of your life are just driving you crazy by all means try to change them, unless there’s a really good reason to stay put for a specified time (as opposed to just staying in misery without an end point)! No experience with IVF so I can’t add any specific suggestions besides the bland advice of “take care of yourself and DH and find ways to relieve the stress and support each other.”

  12. anon

    I just wanted to give you some moral support as you exchange your current situation for something with greater happiness. If parts of your life are just driving you crazy by all means try to change them, unless there’s a really good reason to stay put for a specified time (as opposed to just staying in misery without an end point)! No experience with IVF so I can’t add any specific suggestions besides the bland advice of “take care of yourself and DH and find ways to relieve the stress and support each other.”

  13. Gus

    I’m a big believer in living your life now. If you’re in a job that makes you unhappy, doesn’t pay well, and isn’t going anywhere positive for you professionally, then you should look for a new one. Worry about having a new job and being pregnant if and when it happens, and not before then. And if it happens to take awhile to conceive through IVF, you’d be kicking yourself for staying in an unhappy job longer than you needed to.

  15. rosie

    Hopefully not too late in the day for a threadjack. I recently gave a presentation about legal issues (general framework and background) to non-lawyers and got feedback that my slides were too wordy. When I used to do science, I had no problem filling slides with figures, etc. and then talking about what was on the slide, but when giving a legal backgrounder presentation, I am not sure what goes on the slides if not the main substantive points. Any ideas?

    • Godzilla

      Not a lawyer but I deal with legal issues a lot. Bullet points all the way. Key phrases, with pictures. All of the important information should be in the notes.

      • Gus

        Yes, bullet points and paraphasing. Too many people basically write out the text of what they’re going to say on the slide and then just read it, which is boring and makes the slides hard to read because they’re too dense. Spend time cutting out all the extra words; don’t write in full sentences. If you’re talking about legal issues, for instance you might give the name of the seminal case, but not write out its holding on the slide, instead that’s what you’d just orally tell the audience.

    • new york associate

      Pictures, pictures, pictures. You’re not going to have figures or charts in most cases (but if you do, go for it!). Google image search is your friend.

      As for the words, cut them down to bullet points or acronyms or something as short and memorable as possible. The words will look boring on the page. The pictures give it visual interest.

      • Regular poster, anon for this

        I assume–correctly??–that we have to give credit to the creator/copyright holder of any images found on Google or elsewhere? Or do we also have to obtain permission? When does fair use morph into unfair use?
        Not trying to start a seminar on intellectual property; just trying to understand, and hoping for a simple answer. TIA.

        • SpaceMountain

          I’m not an Intel Property person, but . . . You can find copyright-free photos on the Internet. Example: go to Wikipedia. Enter something — say O’Hare Airport. Click on the picture of O’Hare, and it says “this image is in the public domain because . . .” You can freely use that picture in your powerpoint. If the picture is copyrighted, I won’t use it. If I’m giving a presentation, I’ll often find photos that have to do with the facts of the case. If it’s about a prison, I’ll find a prison photo; about an airport, I’ll find an airport photo, etc. Keeps people interested. Then just put in bullet points, in HUGE font.

      • Susie

        I guess it depends on the topic and purpose of the presentation, but I don’t think you should add a picture just for the sake of adding one, if it doesn’t add to my understanding of the topic.

    • rosie

      Thanks, all! I especially appreciate the tips on finding pictures I can legally use, definitely a concern for my purposes.

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