Coffee Break: Faux Calla Lily

152 Comments

1. Seriously?!? $250 for fake flowers that will be a nightmare to dust? No thanks.

   1. Haha we have calla lillies growing in our yard and my husband calls them weeds.

   2. What I always wonder about this type of arrangement is exactly how you dust the top of the fake water.

      1. Ironically, it’s easiest to rinse it out.

         1. that’s hilarious.

   3. I am irrationally offended by all fake plants and flowers, and especially ones that are ugly and expensive.

   4. $250 buys you a lot of Trader Joes flowers. Or 1-15 houseplants.

      1. Now that I think about it – preserved and dried flowers are inexpensive (compared to this) and imo look loads better. Save On Crafts has some.

         1. I’m just ewww to all this stuff – dusty old dried flowers are just as bad as fake flowers. I look at them and think “dust” and “spiders”

            no thanks!

2. I’m not super into faux flowers but I have an arrangements of faux succulents that somebody gave me as a hostess gift a few years ago and I love it — it looks real and is still going strong!

   In other news, I got my first Pfizer shot today, my son just got a new job at twice the pay as his old job, and the re-fi that’s been dragging on for FOUR MONTHS finally closed yesterday. Yay! Anybody else have good news to share?

   1. Woohoo!

      I get my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine on Saturday morning. I am so freaking excited.

      1. I cried tears of joy when I got mine. And the lady who gave it to me was so nice — she said “we’re all in this together, hon!”

         1. Write a note and send it to the clinic that vaccinated you. I work at my city’s mass vaccination clinic and the notes we get make us cry on the regular.

            1. Oh, great idea! Thanks!

         2. I cried too, but in my car afterwards. I will send a note too. I went to a mass vaccine site and it was so glorious to see so many people there to get vaccinated!

   2. My sole proprietor business was finally (it took four months) certified as a Woman Owned Small Business by the SBA yesterday! Just in time for Women’s day, almost.

      1. Congratulations! That’s awesome.

   3. I got my first dose of the Moderna vaccine Monday, inspired by some recent posts on here joined weight watchers Tuesday, “two year clear” cancer screen yesterday, closing a post-divorce refi on my house this afternoon, and closing on a condo in a great city where I have friends and family next week.

      1. WOO HOO! That is an excellent report!!! Thanks for sharing!

      2. Fantastic bunch of news!

   4. My mom got her first dose today! And it’s sunny and warm here on Long Island!

   5. I got my first Moderna last week and am cautiously optimistic about a fun summer. I don’t think it will be fully normal, but I think it will be a heck of a lot better than summer 2020 was.

      1. I agree with your assessment and am so hopeful for summer.

   6. My dad got his second Moderna shot today! I’m happier about that than I was about my own vaccination.

      Also, I’m 6 weeks into my new job and am LOVING IT! I have already been able to make a difference, and I’m realizing that, although I have long been one to strategize what needs to be done in my job, this is the first time I’m in a title that I get to truly own and implement that strategy. It’s making me really happy.

   7. My video was chosen to kick off a series from employees to mark the one year anniversary of the start of the pandemic. “What told you life was changing”. We bought our new house on 3/12/2020, and we moved the following weekend. It would be 6 months before I saw my cubicle again.

      My birthday is later this month, and a couple gifts have arrived. An air fryer and a stand for my work laptop.

      I am fully vaccinated, and I am cleared to schedule my mammogram. I missed it last year. I have it scheduled for early on a Friday morning in a few weeks.

      1. Prayers for a good mammo! And good for you for doing it.

   8. Mom and Dad got their second shots today. I am so relieved!

      1. Yay! I remember that relief so well. My parents were isolating completely, they didn’t even go to the grocery store, but my dad in particular has a lot of medical issues and we feared he’d end up in the hospital for something else and get it there and he was in the demographic that would be very likely to die if he got it pre-vaccine. It’s a huge relief for them to be vaccinated, and they are overjoyed about being able to see their granddaughter again.

   9. Congrats!! Glad you got your vaccine and I’ve appreciate your posts about cautious, sensible precautions you and your husband are taking.

   10. My dad, my frontline worker sister, my husband, and I all booked our first shots today for next week! I cried from excitement.

   11. I got J&J on Tuesday! And my parents are waiting on shot #2, which means that in about a month, I might actually get to hug my mother again!

   12. I’m vaccine eligible in WA state starting next Wednesday!!!!

3. Looking for suggestions for how best to support my BFF and her dad, who is going through chemo/radiation for cancer. I don’t know the prognosis but I get the sense that it’s not great and I know he is suffering a lot from the side effects of the treatment and it’s very hard on all of them, especially with the added worry about Covid (I’m pretty sure her parents still haven’t gotten the vaccine, which is so frustrating). She has young kids (in daycare) and works full time, and her parents are currently staying with her and her husband during her dad’s treatment. I know her dad fairly well (I stayed at her parents’ house many times when we were younger and her parents were at my wedding), but don’t call him up just to chat; all our communication now is through my friend. Would love ideas for things I could send him and/or her, as well as just general advice on how to be a supportive friend through this. This is the first time I’ve had a close friend have a parent get seriously ill and it’s sad and scary.

   1. This is really nice of you.

      If you live close, anything you can do to provide actual hands on help with the kids or household stuff. Kid care, meals (especially stuff that could go for both dinner and lunch), texting before you go to the grocery store to see if they need anything.

      If not, meal delivery or grocery delivery gift cards, quiet stuff for the kids to keep them occupied.

      If they’re looking for any supportive services, you could offer to research local options so they don’t have to wade through that.

      Ask how she’s doing, not just her dad. It helps a lot when my friends ask how I’m holding up when caring for my dad, not just how he’s doing.

      1. Thanks Sloan. I took a break from reading here so I only found about your dad recently, I’m really sorry to hear it and I hope you and he are doing better. I should have mentioned I’m on the other side of the country so can’t do anything in person.

   2. I would definitely emphasize support for her, as being a caregiver is so exhausting — mentally, emotionally, and physically. Sending a meal so she doesn’t have to cook and doing something just for her (even just checking in) is so important.

      1. Yes, this.

   3. When my mom died last year, I had a couple of friends who kept checking in, which was the kindest thing anyone could have done. They would text to let me know they were there and thinking of me, and sometimes I would respond, and sometimes I wouldn’t, and either way, they kept checking in. It’s something you can do for your friend from across the country that will mean a lot.

   4. Always being ready to pick up the phone when your friend calls. When I had to take care of my dad during his cancer treatment and after he died, a lot of people I thought of as close friends were often unavailable if I tried calling more than once a week. Only a rare few were always there whenever I called and talked out my feelings. I will forever be grateful to them.

   5. The hospital where he is being treated
      should have vaccines for the patient and caregivers. Ask his oncologist to make it happen

4. My inlaws (DH’s parents in their 70s, and his sister and brother, both in early 40s) are coming over for an important reason (the siblings are driving the parents cross-country to settle them into the place they will live at for the rest of their lives), but before the parents’ furniture arrives, they will all have to stay overnight at our house for about 2 nights. During those nights, we are planning to kick the kids into sleeping in sleeping bags in our finished basement and giving their twin beds to the parents and 1 sibling, but I’m really uncomfortable with not having a real bed for each adult guest. DH thinks one of them can just sleep on our large sectional sofa in the middle of our living room. We also have an aerobed and camping air mattresses, but i personally think that the sofa is more comfortable. I would like to invest in a sofabed and DH thinks most sofabeds aren’t great as sofas or as beds and there’s no logical place to have an extra sofabed/daybed. Am i overthinking things? Would you be fine as a 40-something year old to sleep on an open sectional sofa in someone’s living room?

   1. I would ask the guest if they’re ok with it (and they can get a hotel if not), but in pre-Covid times when we hosted my husband’s parents and sister and brother-in-law, we gave his parents our guest bed (king) and my SIL and her then-BF slept on good quality air mattresses in our basement. They’re in their 30s and didn’t seem to think it was a big deal.

   2. I am in my 40s and would be fine with the sectional. If they’re not they should just get a hotel.

   3. For a night, sure. I was the long-term single person in my generation of first cousins and was always on the couch. No one felt bad offering it to me. But also with visiting friends, if I’m saving the $ I’d have spent on a hotel, I’d be fine with a couch. Like NYC has expensive hotels: couches are fine as a cost-avoider — more $ for dinner / shopping.
      Often there are no hotels close to where my family is from (and those are not as nice as the couch I’d been offered).

   4. It’s 2 nights! If they aren’t cool with the arrangements you have they can stay in a hotel.

   5. The couch or an air mattress will be more comfortable than any pull-out.

   6. I’m 36. Honestly, I’d probably stay in a hotel or AirBNB, but I would not consider that a failing on your part.
      It’s not just the comfort of the bed or couch. I’m really self-conscious about sleeping in “public” spaces like the living room, even with family. I’d rather have a decent air mattress in an empty room than a couch in the living room.

      Also, after a cross-country drive with elderly parents, I’d probably be looking for an excuse to get a hotel room!

   7. Thanks for your suggestions everyone. They are definitely not the type to stay at an AirBnB. I will ask them if they would prefer our sectional in the middle of the living room, or we can make them an aerobed in an empty bedroom or even offer up our own bed. DH is not at all concerned as they (and I) have slept on his parents’ living room floor (yes, blankets on the carpet) when we’ve all visited their parents.

      1. Then listen to him!

   8. I would not buy new furniture for this. I would either (1) offer my own bed to the parents so that either you or DH sleeps on your sectional and the other in one of the kids’ beds, or (2) make it clear to bro & sis that one of them will have to draw the short straw.

      I would 100% not want to sleep in a public area as a guest and would if presented with option 2 pay for a hotel (plus just wanting my own space after a long drive with family….).

   9. Give person #4 the choice between the aerobed next to their partner in one of the twin beds or the sectional. They’re grownups, they can decide. Don’t give up your bed. People have all kinds of qualms about who has had s3x in whose bed – if you read redd1t, this is a near daily occurrence – and you are helping them out anyway. Everyone has a place to sleep, you’re being plenty generous. Don’t buy new furniture. You’re overthinking this.

      ALSO this is your husband’s family. Let him take the lead and deal with communications.

5. TL:DR I’m hitting that mid-senior career level wall and asking, “Is this it? Do I just… do this for 20 more years?”

   The long version is a familiar story: I’m working toward the next big promotion and it’s taking forever because when you’re ~15 years into your career, promotions take forever. My boss says I’m doing all the right things, it just takes time, they’re trying to give me more opportunities to show that I’m already working at the next level, etc. etc. I speak at conferences and write for industry publications, and I’m even getting to the level where I receive invitations to speak vs. needing to submit. I’m running hard and fast, chasing the promotion at my company and thought leader status in my field and I’m just starting to wonder what the point of running hard and fast is? So let’s say I “win” and I get the promotion and I get more speaking gigs and I get more article requests and what? I spend my days super stressed at work and my nights and weekends writing and creating presentation decks? Maybe the problem is that when we were all in person, I got a nice high from stepping on stage or seeing faces light up when I shared a strategy, but now I’m just alone at my kitchen table. My husband tries to give me kudos or applause but he’s not in my field, so he doesn’t really get it. In theory, I like my job, I like my team, I like my field, I like doing expert activities, but I’m just feeling like it’s not worth it. Maybe it’s the pandemic or just getting over the next hump in my career growth, but seriously… do I just do this for 20 more years?

   1. I had this epiphany about 6 months ago, when I did get that next big promotion. I’m 22 years into this, and I have maaaybe one more “big” promotion and/or perhaps a change into a big, more public-facing role. And…I realized I don’t want the Very Big role at all, and I’d be fine with the next promotion but I’m not excited about it. I don’t want to do what I’m doing for another 10-15 years. I hired a financial advisor three weeks ago, and I’m sorting through retirement budgets and possibilities. New goal: retire from this career in 7 years. I’ll be in my mid-late 50s and have options.

   2. I am about 20 years into my career and facing the same dilemma. If I get promoted, the reward for my hard work will be even more hard work.

      I have recently been matched with an internal mentor who is 2 levels senior to me but in a different part of the business. The most common question she keeps asking me is “what will happen if you don’t….” (keep pushing so hard, chasing etc), and then asking the same question again to dig down. (ie … if I don’t push so hard, then I won’t get promoted. If I don’t get promoted, then … etc). It’s really been helping me to re-evaluate why I am doing the things I am doing, and consider that there is a middle ground between “drive hard all the time” and “failing”.

      I don’t have all the answers, but I’d be glad to chat offline if you want to post a burner email.

   3. I think in this case, it really is the pandemic that is messing with you. You like your team, field and work and you are valued at your organization. It sounds like you are itching to do more. For me, I was looking for promotion after promotion, and when I basically got to close to the top of my field, I decided that more is not necessarily better, and I would be happy to stay where I am with my terrific colleagues and interesting work basically until I retire. With my extra time, I enjoy networking, mentoring, and encouraging/helping other women succeed in my male-dominated industry.

   4. Thanks for the replies and commiseration, glad I’m not the only one waffling a bit on how hard to keep running. I like the “what happens if” questions, that’s a good lens to think about these dilemmas.

6. I grew up in the crazy bubble of NYC suburbs where I can remember one girl getting really defensive about going to Penn and not somewhere better (WTF). Fast forward to where I am married to a guy who confuses Penn with Penn State and have moved to a state where it seems totally fine to go to an SEC (or other large state school equivalent — could be an ACC school or similar) school for both college and professional school. Maybe this is just the bubble I live in now, but it seems too good to be true, especially since my kids are good students, but after this year, I am relieved that they don’t have the kind of truly insane pressure I grew up under and my wallet would be relieved at not looking at $$$ tuition. And if your kid will likely get a job in/near Atlanta or Charlotte or Raleigh, maybe this is all for the best — large alumni base, etc., etc.? Or, my fear is that in a large school, your kid is a little lost and has to rely very much on family connections and networking to really make it in this world (although that is probably the same anywhere — Yale may open some doors, but the kid who walks in with some hustle and a good personality is much more likely to be successful there).

   1. What exactly is your question? Also, I’m mildly offended, having gone to Big 12 schools for undergrad and grad school and I’ve been plenty successful, thankyouverymuch!

   2. Are you the same person who is constantly anxiety-posting about how elite schools’ dropping the SATs is going to hurt your kids’ chances of admission because they blew off on-line middle school this year?

   3. This is weird. And sounds a lot like a humble brag.

      1. So bizarre.

   4. I’m actually from Charlotte, and while I live and work in DC now, I’ve lived in a whole bunch of southern and flyover states, and yes, this is the way people not on this board live ;)

      FWIW, I spent 12 years at one of the private schools in Charlotte that I know you know the name of, and yes, all my classmates went to normal colleges. Most of us went to UNC, Wake, Duke, State, Elon, Davidson. When the schools in your state are that good, you don’t need to go far afield unless you want to. And those of us who wanted to be doctors, diplomats, lawyers did that with degrees from the above schools and yep we’re all just fine.

      1. i’m from the northeast and actually went to Penn. and i’ll never forget going to bed bath and beyond stuff for college supplies and the employee asking me where I was going and he wanted to know which campus and I was so confused. i now live in the south and yes, i get the idea of going to in-state school bc it is less expensive and if you are sure you want to stay in the area it makes sense for the network, but i guess i don’t really get the mentality of not wanting to try out a new place. yes i am privileged and i recognize that, but Wakeforest, Duke, Elon and Davidson are all expensive schools. it literally never even occurred to me to stay in my home state for college. i also once met someone in my current southern state who told me if they didn’t get into dental school in state, they were going to go get an MBA at a different school in the state. finances are not an issue for this person. if you really want to be a dentist – it is ok to leave the state for a few years for dental school! i know part of it is the cultural differences, but as a whole, the people i work with in my current state, would never get hired at my former employer – not bc of where they got their education, but the level of professionalism is just different. i also think that in the northeast, the large cities are generally closer together geographically, and between amtrak, planes and buses, it is easier to get between cities, so even if you go to school in a different state, it isn’t necessarily that far

         1. The state I grew up in was about an hour wide, so it was totally likely that I’d go out of state to college. The county I live in now is about an hour wide.

            I think it makes a lot of sense as a thrifty parent to encourage a kid to go to state U or another affordable school (perhaps with aid / merit scholarships — neighboring states give hefty discounts that approximate in-state tuition for some giant state schools) but splurge on letting them do study abroad or a summer semester in another city (like this the only way my kids would be exposed to someplace like Oxford or NYU or Stanford). And encourage them to spend their breaks visiting places, possibly with friends from there (and offer to host). And Giant State U may let undergrads take a graduate B-school or law school course, which I would totally recommend for a “harder” level of class and just a different feel for “is grad school for you?” You can be “exposed” without exposing your wallet or committing to a degree at a 70K/year school.

         2. That’s so snooty. I live in California. It’s a BIG state. You don’t have to leave it to get a top-notch education. My kids in college live within 1-2 hours of home.

   5. Teach your kids to network and consistently complete their assignments/study, regardless of the school they go to, and they will be a step ahead of most.

   6. My city is full of refugees from NYC (HCOL refugees) and the rest of the northeast (some rust-belt emptying-out, some kids who came for college and stayed). I feel like every year there are waves of this — people with no teams in March Madness, people with no one to root for on Saturdays, coming to grips that there is a rest of the world where It Is Not Like That. I went to a small college that is a State U but no one knows it (College of Charleston), but even that is really respected regionally as a good small college (with the feel of a private college). Outside of the region . . . who hasn’t enjoyed a vacation there? Or it may get lumped in with the “not HYP” rest of the world.

   7. I think you’re just experiencing life outside the northeast. In NYC/NJ and basically the 95 corridor, yes getting into the ivys is very much a thing still. In other areas like NC or GA, it’s about their regional schools and you don’t go out of state/out of the area unless you can get into a very top school with name recognition. IDK if Penn qualifies — not disrespecting Penn, I have 2 Penn degrees myself, I just don’t think the name carries except Wharton and even Wharton sometimes feels like an east coast cache because of Wall Street/NYC.

      1. I feel like I was sold a bill of goods living in a NYC suburb. Like I felt more intense pressure in high school than at any other time in my life (and I’m a BigLaw partner now). I left for a lot of reasons, mainly COL, commute, never feeling like I would get ahead, and being beaten down by the rat race by my late 20s. I was a first-generation person there, so my parents didn’t know how it was and hadn’t experienced it as children. My sibling was dyslexic and regarded (not at home but by others who knew me) as a complete and total failure (even though she is a harder worker than I am and has a master’s degree).

   8. Instead they worry about their headshots for sorority recruitment

      1. I was in a sorority at a nerdy small college and it made me the person I am today (leadership! excel spreadsheets of stuff!). I guess I might not have been sorority material at some schools and would be sad if my girl child missed out (you could get those opportunities at clubs, etc.). Like Kamala Harris and AKA, there is good in sororities and it worked out well for me.

         Headshots for rush? I just have no idea about this stuff. Do I even want to know more?

      2. Lol. I honestly hadn’t heard of many of these schools (Penn, for example) until graduating from college, and still haven’t heard of some of the ones mentioned on this thread. I went to a small school in the south, and joined a small sorority (without headshots). And I’m a lawyer making six figures just like the rest of y’all. Some people on this board need to get a grip.

   9. Not sure whether this may help, OP, but I’ve been reading The Price You Pay for College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make and finding it interesting. The author cites some elements of the college experience that he argues are worth paying a premium for.

      To the alumna of the College of Charleston — thank you!! I’ve been trying to find some liberal arts colleges on the East Coast, and in or near cities. I’m grateful to have seen your post and am looking at the college’s website right now.

      1. I’d check out UNC Wilmington and UNC Asheville. Different vibes, but cool smaller cities and I know alumnae from both who are happy well-employed adults in my
         city.

   10. There are very good state schools out there, plus what your kid wants to study makes a big difference! I am old and grew up in the Midwest, went to university of Illinois for undergrad and university of Michigan for graduate school. I got excellent fellowships for grad school (hard science) and didn’t pay a penny for it. I moved out to the east coast and I have a very good job. Not $$$$ like the lawyers and bankers here, but good money, good life/work balance, and interesting work.

       I was also very shy and meek when I went off to college at a school that at the time probably had ~30K students. I did just fine. I found my people (much easier in some ways than at a small school – what if you don’t fit in with most of that smaller population??), had lots of good choices for my major, and once I chose, got an excellent education. I was also able to get some lab experience, which is important for anyone thinking of going to the sciences, and might be easier to access at a major public research university than a small public school, just because there are probably more labs that could use an undergrad around to wash beakers and stuff.

   11. I have kind of a different take that you might appreciate. I, too, grew up in a very high pressure educational area (DC) and ended up going out of state for college. It happened to be a private school, but I could count the number of people that I knew on one hand and lived in hall dorm with a stranger. My husband grew up in the midwest and went to state school. He and his high school best friends were roommates all 4 years. They basically merged with 2 other groups of high school friends in college and that is his social circle.

       My two greatest takeaways from our experiences:
       1. It was extremely eye opening for me as an 18 year old to meet people from all different parts of the country and to go to school in a different part of the country. Hugely. And yeah I learned a lot in school, but I definitely also learned a lot from those experiences. I don’t think I was particularly sheltered before, but it definitely made me more open-minded and helped me to wrap my mind around the fact that others have way different upbringings than me. I’d go so far as to say it made me who I am. My husband’s social circle that I’ve become close with over the years… not so much. It really smacks you in the face that almost all of them have never lived more than 2 hours from where they were born. And I have that same observation of my friends from the DC area that stayed local, too. Not quite to the same extent only because bigger cities bring a bit more diversity generally, but you get the picture. This convinced me that I really want my kids to go out of state for school if it’s feasible.
       2. I remember first meeting my husband’s friends in our early/mid twenties. This is anecdotal evidence but their social skills were crazy stunted. They had basically no ability to have a conversation with someone that was a stranger, much less someone who didn’t grow up in the same area as them or understand their references (for example they would sneer if I didn’t know what a grocery store was. Yes, they didn’t even understand that grocery stores are different in different parts of the country..). It crossed being uncomfortable into being extremely rude, honestly. It was kind of shocking to me. Over the years as they got more mature and started meeting more people at work, etc. that were presumable not from the 50 mile radius of their hometowns, it got a bit better. But this made me determined that my kid is living with a stranger when they go to college. They might have gone to a state school 10 times the size of my school, but I don’t think they are bad people- they just missed that lesson of being forced to get to know a stranger.

       In this case I happened to go to to private school and they happened to go to public school. I really don’t think that was the huge determining factor. I think it’s easy to slap a label on the “big city” or “private school” people as more snooty and assume that the more folksy public school folks are just salt of the earth and how *real* Americans live. But truly in my experience I’ve found there’s more to it than that.

       Also – as someone who went to a small prestigious school that is no where near where i now live: 1) you don’t know where your kids will decide to ultimately live and 2) large state schools have incredibly strong alumni networks. I’m often times jealous of the strength of the alumni networks of friends and colleagues that went to larger but technically “less prestigious” schools.

   12. I did an analysis once showing that ALL elite schools are regional in nature and pull from their home region disproportionately – yes, even Ivies. The bottom line is – when NE kids stay within an hour or two of home, it’s because that’s where the good schools are, but when southern or Midwestern kids stay within an hour or two from, it’s because they are provincial hicks. (/s in case that wasn’t obvious)

       Yes, the obsession with the Ivies really is regional. Once you get out of that bubble, you understand that not everyone is obsessed like that and that in most cities, the “nice” suburbs are populated by people who went to state schools and miraculously live lives very similar to the Short Hills crowd.

7. I’ve seen a few arrangements of faux flowers where they aren’t trying to look completely realistic – they’re made out of felt or paper and have a pretty but crafty vibe. I prefer this to the uncanny valley of almost-but-not-quite-real silk flowers. Felt and paper flower arrangements are all over Etsy. I have a paper flower bridesmaid bouquet from a friend’s wedding over a decade ago and it’s been lovely on my WFH desk.

8. I started dating someone a few months ago and we’re both Covid cautious, but I’m a bit more so. We have both been the only people in each other’s bubbles, but for instance, he rides the subway, has a cleaning lady come (in a mask), regularly visits stores in person, does optional medical visits, etc. Reasonable, lowish risk stuff that I totally accept him doing but don’t do myself. Cases are high where we are. We have done a small amount of completely outdoor socializing with masks on (both separately and together).

   Today he was invited by a group of his friends to socialize in a slightly higher risk way than stuff we’ve done previously, and he asked what I thought. I likely wouldn’t do this myself unless I was very trusting of my friends’ risk level, and for my own anxiety level…yeah I’d kind of prefer him not to. I would hate for him/us to get sick like a month before access to vaccines. But I also don’t think it’s fair for me to influence his decision when I know I am more cautious/anxious than many, and there’s nothing wrong with his pandemic judgment. Any suggestions about how to strike a balance when we talk about it? If I seem uncomfortable with the idea he will almost certainly decline the invite. I just don’t know if this is fair and I definitely don’t want him to feel like I ruined his fun. I don’t want to hide my discomfort–whether my reaction is reasonable or not, I do feel uncomfortable–but also don’t want that to unduly influence him.

   1. He asked for your input, so give it: “I likely wouldn’t do it myself unless I were VERY trusting of my friends’ behavior, and for my own anxiety level… well, I’d hate for us to drop the ball this close to the end zone. But I also know I’m more anxious/cautious than a lot of people, so I trust your judgment.”

      That is, if you really do trust his judgment. If you’d rather he didn’t go, just tell him. There’ll be other parties.

      Signed,

      Somebody who has had this conversation with my husband several times and he mostly if not always decides not to do the thing and it’s fine

      1. Also consider the possibility he’s reluctant to go and is looking for backup.

         1. Thanks, that makes sense. I think he has mixed feelings about going. He wanted to say yes but upon reflection said he didn’t know what he thought and asked me what I thought.

            I both would rather him not go AND do trust his judgment (though he is a bit of a people pleaser so possibly wouldn’t want to rock the boat by leaving if things were less safe than he imagined). I know many people on this board likely think I am taking excessive precautions in the way I live my life so honestly I could be seen as the one who’s exercising unreasonable judgment by saying no.

         2. Don’t let him use you as an excuse. You really don’t want a new guy telling his friends any variation of “OP won’t let me sadface” especially if you haven’t even met them yet. Too many men loooove to jump all over the trope of the harpy woman who won’t let the guys have any fun. I like SA’s script leaving it at “I trust your judgment.” If he does something you’re not comfortable with then just be busy for a week or so to make sure he didn’t get sick.

   2. I am totally on the wild end of covid (had it, over it moved on) and have been flamed by the board many times. I totally sympathize with this though, because differences in caution level are really hard to navigate while dating. I would have an open discussion with him about and hear where he is at and honestly express where you are. I think honesty is the best policy here (unfortunately) and that accommodating the other without a clear discussion is going to lead to resentment. Good luck!

      1. Thanks, appreciate hearing this from someone who’s not Covid crazy like me :)

   3. You’re uncomfortable with it, so I would tell him you’re uncomfortable with it. I understand not wanting to issue an ultimatum but that’s not what you’re doing.

   4. Just be honest! I am in a relationship where we are both honest and kind. 10/10 would recommend. He is asking for your opinion, so give it.

   5. You’ve been dating a few months and he asked your opinion. You don’t always have to give an opinion he agrees with and if you are feeling that pressure, that’s more about your relationship than the pandemic. Tell him you’re uncomfortable, discuss why.

   6. He literally asked you because he cares about you and values your opinion. So just tell him “I’m not super comfortable with it”

   7. lol that’s not a bubble…but that concept was basically DOA anyway.

      Tell him how you feel.

9. My mother loves fake flowers and I grew up in a house full of them so naturally, I hate them. Have real plants or none at all!

10. I love Pottery Barn’s faux arrangements (I just put out my spring peonies), but I’d never pay this much for them. I will get a bouquet on sale (always under $50) and then put in my own vase and anchor with little river rocks or other filler. I have a (much less expensive) PB arrangement like the one pictured, and you really have to clean the “water” frequently or else it gets dusty and weird looking.

11. I have gained a bit of weight (5ish pounds) over the pandemic and it seems to be all in my thighs. Also, I am not used to real clothes b/c lined wool pants that are not tight-fitting are giving me major chub rub to the point of having a hot spot on one thigh that I’m contemplating slapping a bandaid on. I cannot imagine how painful the seams on jeans would be now.

    I guess dresses are out for now (it’s too warm for tights). This never happened with panty hose, not that I’m eager to go back, but the lack of chub rub and concurrent lack of blisters on feet from pumps was a joy compared to this.

    1. there is a product from mega babe called thigh rescue that I use alllll summer with dresses once it is too hot for my other solution, the jockey light weight lower thigh length shorts a size up so they do not compress, just offer tight fitting thigh protection.

    2. Huh? I’m cusp-size with chub rub and have never in my life gotten chub rub while wearing long pants – much less “pain” from jeans seams. Maybe you have some particular issue with that pair of pants, but this is not a “chub rub” problem from gaining 5 lbs.

       1. +1

          It sounds like your pants are made a rough fabric or are too small.

          1. OP: they may well be too small. But they didn’t HURT before :( Skimmies or similar for the win it looks like.

    3. Can you just get some skimmies. My thighs have always touched and I’m in the south, where tights are limited to a couple months a year, but I wear dresses 99% of the time. I use skimmies from Thigh Society. They’re super light, not hot, don’t squeeze you like spanx, and save my thighs!

    4. My thighs rub at any size. I wear slipshorts all spring and summer.

    5. Buy bigger pants, get some chub rub or skimmies, and reevaluate why you find publicly complaining about gaining 5lbs to be appropriate.

       1. Yes, also that last part.

       2. Ugh it’s totally appropriate for someone to be dissatisfied with their OWN body.

       3. For women who aren’t particularly tall, 5 lb is noticeable. It’s a size up or down for me. I don’t get why something has to be a huge weight gain to be of concern.

       4. Nah fam we’re not telling people what to do with their own bodies.

12. Weird question: we’re buying a new house and planning to sell our current one. My mom insists that some friends of hers should buy it. She keeps telling me that they know it’s the perfect house for them. The thing is, I think I might be able to get more money if I put it on the market. It’s kind of a unique property and the women who bought it before us paid way over market value (and what we paid) due to a bidding war. We’re in a weird situation where many buyers will pay cash.

    Am I just being greedy? Overly optimistic? My mom says it would be rude not to allow her friends to see it and they’ve always wanted this exact house, and she promised them we’d consider selling to them ect ect. I feel like I’m being pressured to do someone a favor on the sale of a major asset. Meanwhile, another family member also has a friend who is interested in it. I also feel really bad cutting our broker out of the sale, because she was so awesome in the buying end, but saving brokers’ fees is helpful I guess. What’s would you do?

    1. Your mom is being ridiculous. I would list the house for sale and any and all friends are more than welcome to put in a bid.

    2. I would list it with a realtor and tell your relatives their friends are welcome to come to the open house or have their own realtors set up showings. I would then secretly hope that someone else offered more so I wouldn’t be dragged into an awkward situation with my relatives if there were any issues with the sale (and there are always issues, at least minor ones).

    3. Bear in mind if you have a contract with a broker, they might be entitled to a commission anyway, even if you bring in the buyer. Depends on your state.

       And of course, get bids and get the highest bid. You can offer the friend an option to match the high price, IF you feel you can live with selling a house to a friend. I sold a house to a childhood friend (highest bidder) and everything went fine, and if it hadn’t, I would have been OK losing them as a friend because we had lost touch for several years. But if your mom and her friend might make trouble, just say that you needed the money and went with the highest bid (don’t even give the option to match).

       1. This. Only sell to people where you can live with it if the sale results in a total breakdown of the relationship.

       2. This +1000000. Look carefully at your broker agreement. If it’s an exclusive broker agreement, you will need to pay your broker regardless of whether you found the buyer or they did. In some case, the broker actually keeps the seller and buyer’s commissions and gets a windfall if the buyer is not represented by an agent. Ultimately, it’s your choice to choose the buyer, so you can see what mom’s friend offers and what offers you get from the other folks. In your shoes, I would basically be willing to sell my house to my mom’s friend at a small discount from the best offer I got, but not a huge discount (e.g., maybe about 5%).

    4. This comes up a fair bit in our super popular neighborhood. Almost everything sells off market. Generally what neighbors do is let other neighbors/friends/family know what their list price would be and usually someone buys it at that price before it gets listed. If it’s not enough for there to be a bidding war in your area, just check how much over ask the houses usually go for. If you want to offer it to them off market at that price, that’s about as far as I would go to ‘help’. There are benefits in not having to keep your house in ‘show ready’ condition for a couple weeks while it sells.

    5. Who owns this house? You or your mom? Because right now it sounds like you’re letting your mother act like she owns the place. Trying to accommodate a potential seller via your mother sounds like a recipe for disaster. Take back control and stop this train wreck before it starts.
       Put the house on the market at the price you want to sell it at (assuming price is reasonable) and these friends your mother is promising the moon to can tour and put in a bid along with everyone else.

    6. Ignore your mom, list your house, and if friends or family want to buy it they can, at market value.

    7. You need a backbone. Of course you put it on the market and invite your mom’s friends to bid.

    8. Oh heck no. Selling your home is a business proposition. Why is making nice with your mom’s friends and relatives more important than you getting top dollar for your biggest asset? With the market everywhere so hot, you’d be foolish not to have a realtor committed to getting you top dollar for your property. And tell mom that unless she’s personally going to make up the difference between her friend and the top $$ amount you can command, she needs to stand down and butt out.

       1. And one more thing. In addition to possibly being contractually on the hook if you bring your own buyer, you will likely still need a lawyer or some professional (depends on your state) to close the deal and file the appropriate paperwork. And when I investigated what the real estate lawyers charged for these services on a private sale, they weren’t too far off from the real estate commission.

          1. Thanks! Yes we don’t have a contract with our broker for the sale. We’re both lawyers but will likely use a lawyer for this either way- it’s not our area of expertise and we have a great lawyer from the deal where we’re buying. Brokers and lawyers have separate functions in our state.

       2. Thanks all!

          Yes- my parents pull this kind of stuff all the time. I coordinated a major renovation of one of my dad’s rental properties, figuring it could get at least x amount on the market based on comparable properties in the area. He then rented it at a crazy reduced rate to a friend’s son and his girlfriend in exchange for some appliances. Then the friend’s son broke up with the girlfriend and she’s just living in a brand new sweet apartment for a fraction of the fair rent. And somehow this is ok with everyone involved except the friend, who is mad at his son but not my dad.

          I just want to sell this place to the highest bidder and get more money- I can just feel the drama if I sell to their friends.

    9. Try NOT to sell your house to people you know. Things will arise during inspection and negotiations that you disagree on, flaws will be found after you sell your house that the buyers will think you should have disclosed, etc etc etc. It’s never pretty. Far better it’s a stranger and your broker deals with it than having your mom in your ear about it or potentially losing a friendship over it.

       1. Not kidding – I found this out the hard way. We sold our minivan to our friend so their son can have a car and drive himself to high school. We did not offer it to him – we were discussing over dinner that we were going to trade it in and they asked if they could have it for their teenage son, who otherwise took the bus to school. We charged $600 for a minivan (the cost of the tires we had just put on that car), but the blue book value of the vehicle was $2,000+. They bought it, did not drive it for over a month, and then called us to complain that their battery died and they needed to change the battery (at a cost of maybe $100) and did we know that the car had this issue when we gave it to them?!?! After their son used it, they sold the car and I think made a profit from it and we weren’t so happy about that either (although we get that once you gift something, you cannot control what the recipient does with it).

    10. I would not give either of these proposals a second thought. If they want the house, they can tour the open house and bid on it through their real estate agent and your real estate agent like everyone else. If they win, great (or to the other’s posts, maybe not great…). I am flabbergasted by your mom’s actions. She strikes me as the rude one here – doing something that could undermine her daughter’s future assets by potentially thousands of dollars and promising something to someone that she is in no position to make promises about.

        To directly address her accusations – you are not not allowing her friends to see it, and not not considering selling it to them – just not in the secretive way they hope, which they are obviously hoping works out in their favor at your expense otherwise they would have no problem with all of this being figured out with market dynamics.

        Good luck.

        1. I’d like to say I’m flabbergasted by her mom also, except I have the same Mom and she’s always wanting to “help out” everyone else at my expense. Seriously, at my own wedding(!) she complained to me that her friends had to leave but hadn’t had cake yet and why couldn’t we cut the cake earlier? Also had her friends who were leaving early remove flower arrangements from the reception hall and take them home with them. Even now, she is calling first dibs on my kids’ nicer clothes (that she did *not* buy – mostly gifts from aunts, etc.) to give to her friends, even though she only buys second-hand clothes from the thrift store to give to me and my kids.

           1. You have my sympathies. That sounds annoying as heck!

           2. Oooh I know this dynamic all too well.

    11. List it. No way would my mum ever interfere in this stuff, and I’m a typical good Indian daughter.
        Is your mum willing to compensate you for the price difference if you sell to her pals?

        And “she promised them”….how does she even think she could promise them anything g related to your place?

        Lilau, you seem unwilling to speak up for yourself to both sides of your family. Maybe something you need to fix ASAP.

13. (Another vaccine thread so feel free to skip)

    I’ve stayed out of all the vaccine discussions so far, and was kind of following the discussion over the past week about “legal” being counted as an essential profession. In a similar vein, I have to say I was really surprised to see “Information Tech and Communications” employees included in the next phase for Chicago (1C). So…I work for a tech company that’s been WFH for a year and planning to stay that way until fall like pretty much all tech companies I know…I’m kind of amazed that I might actually be eligible here?! Was this attempting to cover people like cable installers and just worded really broadly?

    1. They are wording things overly broad because it’s better to catch too many people than to miss people who have lots of in person interactions and should get it. in addition to cable/internet/phone companies going into lots of different peoples homes, our IT people have been in the office from time to time to deal with hardware issues, configure/reconfigure/rebuild towers/laptops (govt – my laptop is literally 7 years old).

    2. Hi – in IL. Essential businesses were basically defined by industry, so as a result an in-house lawyer for a food and beverage company who can work from home is treated very similarly to an employee out in the field for the same company. It’s definitely an imperfect system, but I would say you are eligible once 1C starts.
       For what it’s worth, Phase 1C and 2 are surprisingly small (under a million each before folks with identified medical conditions are pulled out) and since they are the last remaining adults in the state, I don’t think there will be a long gap between the two phases. Possible they’ll even just skip 1C and make everyone eligible at the same time.

       1. +1. It’s weird to me that they defined it by industry because within each industry there are lots of essential workers with exposure to the public, and also lots of people who work from home. But for better or worse that’s how they did it, so in my view you’re eligible when your industry is called. I work in higher ed and most people I know are currently teaching/working from home but got it when “education” became an eligible industry in our state.

       2. I think defining industry makes some sense, because it means entire industries/institutions/workplaces can start operating normally around the same time. If all the lawyers are getting vaccinated, the courts can start to reduce their backlogs by conducting all the bench trials, etc.

       3. To me it’s sort of like why food stamps are good on most things – because the effort to parse out should they be good on candy or cake or soda or this or that just isn’t worth it, it’s more efficient to let it fall where it is versus try to engineer “only on nourishing foods / staples.” Likewise it’s just not worth it to parse out exactly which people within industry X are truly essential, unable to work from home, etc. Too much red tape when the goal is shots in arms.

    3. Chicago hasn’t released specifics on this yet. So you don’t know. And can’t know

    4. Possibly? If your state, like mine, is following the CISA categories of “Essential,” those were so broad they basically could cover everything (which is why our initial “Shutdown” wasn’t really much of one because so much was “Essential”). I suspect that was an attempt to cover the IT people who had to be in person to do things that enabled the rest of us to work remotely. According to the WaPo vaccine tracker, once you get through people 65+, people in the essential workers categories, and people with preexisting conditions in my state, that covers probably 75% of the eligible population (so not kids).

       1. The public health officials using the CISA essential definitions know what they’re doing. They want you to get vaccinated if you’re in one of those categories, which is a lot of people.

    5. Using this as an excuse to thank the ppl who encouraged me to get it (i wfh in an essential business). My husband came along- they had extra and offered it to him! We’re so relieved- he’s 62; no official health risks but has crappy lungs (gets bronchitis from bad colds, gets pneumonia from the flu) so I’ve been worried. Thanks! And yes my state’s moving on so I don’t feel I jumped the line too badly…

    6. Does the state require that you work in one of the eligible categories AND that you have to preform work in person? That’s how mine in, and since you are completely WHF, you would not be eligible.

       1. Many states are not limiting shots to people who could not WFH because there is really no way to prove it. On of the reasons for the very broad categories based on employment is that you can usually prove who you work for. Proving that you are working/have to work in person is essentially impossible.

          So both the nurse (who is obviously working in person) and the patient care coordinator (who works from home) on my street were vaccinated at the same time. Perhaps not “fair” in some type of ideal universe but we a needed a workable system and needed to come up with it fast. I think of it as an example of not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.

14. I just failed to complete a blood donation for the second time in a row. The first time, they weren’t able to effectively stick my vein. This time they got the vein, but I clotted halfway through the donation. I’ve always been a difficult stick, but it seems to be getting harder the past couple of years. Is that a thing that changes? I’ve been hydrating all day, and they suggested I take an aspirin the day before I try to donate again. Any other advice?

    1. I have the same issues – hard stick, clotting – and just stopped giving blood after a nurse pointedly suggested they were wasting my time (meaning, I was wasting their time.) They throw away the blood you did manage to give because it’s not a whole quart. So frustrating.

       1. Yeah, I think if I fail the next time, that will be it for me. :(

    2. I don’t give blood because I faint every time I try and am generally more trouble than I’m worth.

       You an serve the community in other ways.

       1. +1. My blood type is B-, and last time I gave blood, I threw up. Talk about more trouble than my blood is worth.

    3. I’m always a difficult stick. No clotting issues, but it frequently takes them several attempts and sometimes the vein blows and covers everyone in blood horror movie style. I have to have monthly blood draws for thyroid issues, which is super fun. Being very hydrated helps, and weirdly it seems to be getting somewhat better as I get older (mid 30s now).

    4. Honestly, I’d say that’s them, not you. I thought I was a hard stick until I got cancer and started having to go for monthly blood draws at my oncologists. The lab there literally never has a problem.

    5. Don’t donate since it doesn’t work for you

    6. Did you drink coffee before going? Or did you drink alcohol yesterday? If so, don’t do that next time.
       I had this problem a couple of times and it was definitely due to either dehydration or coffee consumption. Now, I hydrate for 48 hours, skip coffee, and drop a pint in no time. It may be something you can fix. It may not be.

    7. One time I failed as I was too low on iron and the second time I gave blood, but about a half hour later, I was laying flat on the floor of my office’s bathroom as I was lightheaded and feeling faint (I generally have low blood pressure, and I think that may have been the cause). I have not given again, but I’m just not a good donor. I have and will continue to contribute in other ways (e.g., giving to doctors without borders).

15. I have seen some commenters recommend Curology on here before. What are you using them for? Is it working? What tretinoin percentage did they prescribe? And also, can I pay from my FSA for it?

    I just started and the first formula made me itchy, the second broke me out. They don’t want to reformulate again and suggested using another product on top. Trying to assess if it’s worth continuing the conversation with them or just unsubscribe. I got 0.01% tretinoin.

16. Biden is directing the states to make every adult eligible for vaccines as of May 1….!!!! I got my shot a few weeks ago but I still choked up when I heard the news. I finally have a lot of hope that this summer is going to be really good.

    1. I actually think this is a disaster as a chronic illness (lung) survivor/patient who has been patiently waiting for her state to move to her phase while remaining locked down. It’s already the hunger games out there, as far as opportunities to get shots, this will make it significantly worse. I know everyone on this board will immediately dx me with anxiety, and at this point, maybe they are correct, because I literally cried when I heard this. (currently, my phase is supposed to open in late April or early May, so I’ll be competing for limited appointments against the rest of the adult population).

       1. I think the point is that supply is expanding so rapidly now that there’ll be vaccine for anyone who wants it in May. I agree that opening eligibility to everyone when supply is still very limited is not a good idea, but that’s not what’s happening.

    2. My small southern state just opened up vaccines as of this week to everyone over 16 (!!) with a long list of preexisting conditions in order to get more shots in arms. It’s incredible. It feels wonderful.

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