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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Sheath Dress with Front Peplum

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. blue peplum sheath dressThis dress from Lafayette 148 New York is on a great sale at Neiman Marcus — and it's almost entirely sold out in the black, which always suggests to me that there are no hidden fit issues. I like the sleeves, the jewel neckline, and I think the peplum is an interesting detail (though I wish the detail continued to the back of the dress). The grayish blue color looks great to me — I'd wear it with neutrals like black, white, gray, navy — and call me crazy but I think a pop of bright springy yellow would be fun if you wanted a color somewhere (ooh, or a bright red lip). It was $448, but is now marked to $134. Yes! Lafayette 148 New York Sheath Dress W/ Front Peplum Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

357 Comments

  1. I have very fine hair but lots of it, and it WILL NOT HOLD A CURL. Any tips? What is the best curling iron/hot rollers? Any good product that should help?

      1. This. My hair is just like this and lo, this 46 years later, I have finally given up on trying.

        Look on the bright side, there are lots of people who wish their hair dried stick straight like ours!

    2. I use steam rollers and my hair is similar. I use the medium rollers and I get nice big curls that hold really well throughout the day and even into the next if I wrap it over night and just want a fancy ponytail. I’ve had better luck with a curling iron if I wrap the top portion of the hair first, release, and then wrap the whole portion, but I much prefer steam rollers. It means I can throw them in the morning and then keep going with my day.

    3. I have very fine hair that resolutely hates curls, but I’ve learned to defy!…I use a setting lotion before curling my hair, curl it with a GHD curling iron (as Carrots said, I curl just the top first and leave the bottom out, then wrap the whole hair and recurl), then I will roll up the curl and pin it to my head with a duckbill clip. I leave the curls clipped up while I do my makeup so they have time to cool completely, then shake them out and spray with Elnet. It takes a while, but I’ve kept curls in for days

    4. My hair is very similar, and I’ve found that curling with a flat iron works actually holds, since flat irons tend to get much hotter than curling irons. There are lots of YouTube tutorials on how to curl with a flat iron– there’s a learning curve, but I’ve actually found it to be faster than using a curling iron once I got a feel for how to do it. My other tip is to curl, then don’t brush or style your hair until it’s completely cooled off.

    5. You’ve gotten some good advice, so I just wanted to add that you should never try to curl clean hair. Dirty hair holds a style so much better.

      1. Agree – I only use my steam rollers if I didn’t wash my hair that day. It’s better if it’s been a full day, but if I washed it the night before too it’s not that bad.

      2. Dirty oily to me does not style better.

        Dirty (product residue in your hair) is the bomb. That hair (on me) will curl.

    6. My hair is similar. I only curl for special occasions. I learned from my wedding day stylist to spray each section individually with a thick coat of hairspray, then set it in the curling iron, then give it another spray after the section is curled.

    8. I’ve given up on trying to curl my hair with heat. Now, the night before, I put setting lotion in slightly damp hair and curl it over night in foam rollers. I brush it out so it isn’t so poodly, and I quite like the reaulyThis lasts me around 2 or 3 days if I don’t shower (I know, pretty gross.)

  2. So this is gross.

    One of my ear piercings has started bleeding a bit and been very painful. Does this mean I’m likely allergic to some type of metal? Why would it be in just on ear?? Please don’t make me stop wearing my costume jewelry!!!

    1. I’ve had that happen off and on–there’s no rhyme or reason. It can be junk jewelry or high quality, every now and again my ear will get irritated and bleed. I clean with peroxide and Neosporin and it goes away quickly and I’ll wear the same earrings without having the same reaction.

      If it becomes a regular thing, then panic!

    2. Might be an infection. Clean with rubbing alcohol and leave it alone for a few days.

    3. You might have something inside the hole, like a bit of dirt or bacteria, that’s irritating it. Rinse/soak with a saltwater solution recommended by my piercer – 1/4 tsp sea salt to 1 cup warm water. Don’t use regular table salt. Use a bit of neosporin and leave it alone.

    4. I have had that happen with both high-quality hypoallergenic earrings and with cheaper costume-type ones. I usually take out the earring, clean the hole well with the stuff from the piercing place, and then put some Neosporin. Sometimes it swells a little and so keeping the earring out (or putting on a long earring without a back) makes sure it won’t get too tight.

    5. Also could be that particular brand of costume jewellery. I find that if I wear cheaper stuff (from target for example) I always react. I’ve had luck with JCrew and BR. For some reason Ann Taylor give me a rash. Go figure!

    6. Related question: I lost my pearl earrings a while ago, and I need some replacements. I have an allergy and need gold-plated studs at a minimum. Where is your go-to for this at a reasonable price? I think I’d want 8mm in size, at least. I’d be plenty happy wearing costume jewelry pearls, but my allergy is pretty bad. TIA!

      1. Department stores are good for this. Macy’s, Bloomingdales on up. Is Bloomingdales still around? Can’t remember. Here we have Dillard’s, Von Maur, too.

      2. Pearls Only website has pretty reasonable prices. I have a few pairs from there that have held up well. I wear the sterling silver but they do have gold.

    7. Sometimes coating the post of the offending earring with clear nail polish can help. When I’ve done this, I have to re-apply after 5-7 wearings.

  3. Can we talk about shorts? (Not for the office, of course!) I haven’t bought a pair in 6 years and 2 pregnancies, and it seems like even the ones I bought didn’t ever really fit right, then, and now seem wrong in all sorts of ways (too long, too short, too high, too low, too tight in the waist, too baggy in the thighs, etc.). I’m thin with a straight/pear shape, and don’t usually have too hard a time with fitting pants. What does a mid-30s mom look for in shorts that are neither too young nor too old/frumpy? Any brands that you like? I’d be wearing them only around the house and to outside activities in the summer (i.e., the park or zoo), but I’d still like to look a little cute and put together at those times.

    1. I like the JCrew Harbor shorts (7″ inseam) or lightweight Bermudas (I think 9″ inseam) for my 30-something pear figure — both pairs are long enough to keep upper thighs covered when seated, but slim-cut in the legs, which I think avoids the “mom shorts” vibe.

    2. Athleta shorts and skorts

      I am a serious pear and the elatic in the waist lets them actually stay up on me (my prior winner, the shorts from Old Navy, got tugged past my bottom by one of my excited children, so I need something that can accommodate my trunk junk and AND stay up).

      I didn’t think I’d pay Athleta $ for shorts, but worth every penny (and I have 3 shorts and 4 skorts).

    3. We are different shapes but I love Boden shorts. They have a bunch of different inseams (5″ work best for my short legs) and really cute colors.

      1. Yes. Love the Chinos. And the Bistro shorts which I called “magic shorts” because they were universally flattering…I hope those will be back.

    4. The 5′ length works best for me (though I’m not quite 30 yet) and I have a similar figure. It’s hard to pull off Bermudas without looking frumpy, I think, though to each her own. J Crew and Loft’s Lou & Grey line both work well for me.

    5. I’m an hourglass, thin, skinny legs, but kinda dumpy in the stomach region… I really like the side zip shorts from J Crew factory. They have a 5″ inseam and are kinda stretchy. They have fun patterns every year. They are currently 50% off today, fwiw.

      1. Second on side-zip shorts, at J. Crew and elsewhere. Much more flattering across the front.

      1. Haha at the don’t pay full price comment. They have definitely trained us with all their “sales”.

    7. I have like 5 different pairs of the Athleta “featherweight stretch” shorts – looks like they don’t have that style right now but wait a month or so and it might come back. I get them in 2 different sizes – the bigger size sits lower on me so is a longer short, but I have to cinch it in more at the waist (which falls at more like the hip). They look fine and dry really fast.

    8. I bought a two pairs of shorts from Joe Fresh at the end of the summer (sorry, style is no longer available) that I ended up LOVING. Elastic waist, perfect length, not tight/not baggy.

      I also like the Gap’s Girlfriend Chino shorts … perfect length for me.

    9. I have a few pairs from each of Alice & Olivia and Milly. They come in such fun colors/prints/styles, as well as basic versions. They are more in the 2″-3″ inseam range though.

  5. I don’t know if anyone remembers but a month or two ago I posted needing advice about my social media client ( the doctor and his wife), and the overwhelming response was to fire them/quit.

    I tried hanging on but last night was the final straw, I drafted my resignation letter and sent it and I feel free. Losing the money sucks but last week she (the wife) wanted to cut my pay plus add additional work and I could no longer ethically follow her strategy which was trying to force print advertisement industry standards to fit social media.

    I haven’t received a response but they both are traveling right now. I should have listened to the hive months ago. Thanks for the solid advice. I really tried to make it work but there just was no way.

    1. Good for you for finally drawing a line. You’re better off without them in your life.

    3. Sounds like you made the right choice. (And for people who don’t get that social media *isn’t* print, that’s not your problem!)

    5. I remember, too. I totally get the whole “hanging in there until you just can’t” thing. Congratulations on being free!

  6. I asked for advice last week about my new job and how to survive the annoying guy in the office. I took your advice and started playing mental bingo with all his irritating habits and now I have trouble not bursting into giggles whenever he does something. It definitely makes the day go faster. So thanks, guys!

    1. I know Target has a history of refusing returns after you make “too many.” And several other stores have similar policies. I don’t know of any that will prevent you from buying from them, just prevent you from returning merchandise. Nor do they confiscate your gift card balances.

    2. That’s crazy! 37/300+ for online purchases doesn’t seem excessive to me, unless there was something else going on…

    3. I only buy things from Amazon that I am unlikely to return. I order plenty from Nordstrom, Zappos, Lands’ End, Gap companies, etc because I know my returns will not be a problem.

    4. This really freaks me out because I buy a lot from amazon and have probably returned 37 of the last 300 things. If they don’t want people to return things, they should not offer free returns for clothing.

      1. Probably 75% of my gift and normal household stuff is through amazon. I ordered a specialized kayaker’s life-jacket for my husband and the retailer (not amazon) sent the wrong one. When I tried to complete the return I got the run-around from the retailer. Send amazon an email asking for assistance and they sent the correct life-jacket and, as compensation for the run-around, told us to keep the wrong one for free. I joked to DH that it must be because we order so much from amazon but in any event it made me more loyal to amazon because they realized that my time was valuable and getting the run-around for a return was costly.

    5. I know people love Amazon, but I used it for our baby registry and had such a horrible experience that I will never buy anything from Amazon again. Cancelling this guy’s account for apparently legitimate returns is exactly the kind of shoddy customer service I would expect from them.

      Amazon sent us several gifts from the registry with a note that said “Enjoy your gift from Delta Dawn!” Well, the gift is TO Delta Dawn, not from. I thought it might be user error by my friends, but it happened with at least ten gifts. When I emailed Amazon to ask who bought it so I could send a thank you note, they told me they couldn’t disclose that but would “pass along your thanks to the purchaser.” I wish that’s how thank you notes work, but it’s not.

      When I did need to return a few things (when we received duplicates, because Amazon’s registry failed to keep up with what had already been purchased), it took an act of Congress to get a shipping label printed. They wanted to contact the purchaser for permission to return the item. Great, please let my friends know that I’m returning their thoughtfully selected gifts. Every email I sent was either ignored or responded to by workers with a very poor grasp of the English language, so much so that several responses were unintelligible.

      Anyway, boo to Amazon.

        1. I didn’t have any problems like that with our Amazon registry, FWIW. I could see who purchased what. Their chat feature is really helpful too, and helped to fix a lost item/refund instantly.

          1. Agree with Boston Legal Eagle. We had no problems with our amazon baby registry – it was very easy to use, very easy to return things and their chat feature is great! i’m actually really surprised to hear that you had trouble printing a shipping label. i’ve had 2 instances where amazon just told me to keep the item instead of returning it and they just refunded me the money (probably wasn’t worth enough to have it shipped back).

        2. I had an Amazon wedding registry and was easily able to see who had purchased the gift.

      2. I actually had the opposite experience with Amazon. They were able to track gifts back to the purchaser so we could thank them and were 100% easy to work with on any returns. I used them in 2009 for my wedding registry and again a few years back for my baby registry.

        I will say that the 2-day prime shipping is becoming 2-4ish days.

        1. Yeah the 2 day prime shipping is absolute BS now. I’m more than an hour from the nearest major city, but it’s become 4-6 day shipping for me. But I’m another person who has had great (recent) experience with Amazon’s customer service and chat feature. Never had any problem with returns or anything like that. Delta Dawn, your experience sounds terrible, but very unusual.

          1. It’s not even that you live far from a major city. I live in a major city that has multiple distribution centers, and 2 day has become 4-6 day shipping on a lot of items for me too. If the item is shipping from a warehouse 10 miles away, Amazon seems to think that gives them enough time to use the super cheap UPS Basic or FedEx SmartPost options (the ones where it gets transferred to USPS for ultimate delivery), and the handoff to USPS is usually a 2 day minimum delay.

        2. I don’t know if they still do this, but at one time Amazon was extending your Prime membership for a month if your item didn’t ship in two days, regardless of whether the slower shipping actually affected your life. This happened to us once, and I used the chat feature on the website, and they extended it with no problem at all. Not sure if there’s a limit to how many times they’ll do that.

          2. They just extended my Prime for a month. I think they look at how long the item is in transit, not how long it took to ship out. In my case, the item arrived 4 days after it had been shipped.

      3. We had the ‘tell the purchaser’ problem with things on our registry that were sold by a 3rd party vendor, not those sold directly from Amazon. Lesson learned (the hard way).

        1. I’m so glad my experience sounds like an outlier– I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and am glad everyone else had better luck. Bakedbeans, maybe that was my problem too, with third party vendors.

  8. TJ: I’ll be in NYC (Manhattan) tomorrow and Friday, and I wanted to see if there are any stores that specialize in tall women’s apparel. I Googled, but everything I came up with appears to be closed. And if that doesn’t work, can any of you New Yorkers recommend a decent consignment store? I’m staying in Times Square but will travel if necessary.

    1. Not a specialty store, but Century 21 has such a big selection that I always find tall-friendly stuff — particular jeans/ pants.

      1. I mean the original downtown store. I have no firsthand experience at the Lincoln Center store, which I understand has a more limited selection.

    2. If you look at New York Magazine or google, you can find current sample sales in NYC. Higher-end designers tend to make pants with longer inseams. It’s hit-or-miss, but there can be hidden gems.

  9. I have an HSA debit card (and an HSA) for the first time and not sure where I can use it. Is it only at doctors’ and dentists’ offices? Or can I use it at places like CVS to pay for medical things like Tylenol? If you can use it at CVS, how do they know you’re using it to buy medical supplies? It’s just a good faith thing where they trust that you’re using it correctly?

    1. I’m not confident about the purchase of OTC medicines with it – in fact, I think they have dramatically limited it for even FSA spending in the last few years. I do use mine for prescriptions though, at the doctor, the dentist, the optometrist, and for glasses/contacts. Honestly, I’m pretty healthy and since I fully fund my HSA, I get a fair amount of carryover every year.

      1. Adding to this, in case it wasn’t clear, you don’t have to spend down your HSA. Unlike an FSA, it’s not use or it lose it. I think it can be converted at some point into almost retirement like funds, too (but don’t quote me on that).

      2. Thanks. Yeah I realized after posting this that it doesn’t matter anyway because I’ll probably only want to use it for big things like dentist and eye doctor appointments. Otherwise, we’ll roll it over and eventually use it when we have a baby and all the associated expenses.

    3. You can use it any place that accepts the debit network (Visa, MasterCard, etc.) on the face of the card. It doesn’t matter what you buy with it – you can buy anything with it. However, when you file your taxes, you will receive a form indicating the nature of the distributions you took from your HSA. “Distributions,” in this case, means money you spent. “Normal distributions” means spending for qualified medical expenses. If you bought anything with it that wasn’t a qualified medical expense, you are supposed to report that in your tax return, because you’ll then be taxed on that income as if you hadn’t put it into the HSA.

      If you had a lot of spending at locations that would suggest non-medical purchases, your HSA provider may preemptively indicate that those were not normal distributions; also, if you get audited, you’ll need to substantiate that those expenses were medical (which is why you should keep your receipts if you do a lot of HSA-funded purchases at places other than a medical provider’s office).

      2. Actually, this isn’t true. Most FSA/HSA cards have an indicator in the strip/chip that they are for medical spending. Most larger stores (Target, CVS etc) can read this data. So if you go to the Walgreen’s RX counter to pay for a couple prescriptions and a candy bar, after swiping the HSA card there will be a balance due for the non-qualifying items in your purchase. Stores that run old POS systems might not do this, but it is generally the case.

        1. That’s true but it’s still an issue for things that don’t qualify anymore *unless* you have an Rx. Like vitamins or OTC cold meds.

        2. Interesting! I have always had to ring them up as separate transactions at my pharmacy (and it’s a CVS, with current generation POS devices).

    4. HSA funds can be used for anything that would have been considered ‘deductible medical expense’ for tax purposes. So OTC, no, but prescriptions, co-pays, eye dr, dentist, etc. all qualify.

      1. It is a pain, but you can get an RX from your doctor for over the counter meds, and then you can use your FSA/HSA to purchase them.

        1. And items like bandaids are considered qualified without a prescription, but something like Claritin or Prilosec is not. It’s ridiculously complex. But like Anon @ 12:17 mentions, most POS systems are coded to recognize what is FSA eligible without a prescription–it will show on the cashier’s screen and the receipt even if it’s not capable of only charging the card for those items. For the items that only count when you have a prescription, they wouldn’t show up with the FSA code if the cashier just rung up the barcode. They have to process it as a prescription in the pharmacy system, which will generate an Rx barcode for them to ring up. That’s how it can distinguish those items.

  10. Anyone have an recs for Android phone apps that will read news articles to you? In my online search, I’ve come across Speaky, Soundgecko, and Pocket and would love to hear feedback from the hive on any of these (or others!).

    1. I didn’t know this was even a thing! I subscribe to a lot of news podcasts which I guess fills the same niche. Best of Today from the BBC is great.

  11. I recently asked an acquaintance (between my husband and I we know him and his wife both professionally and socially) in a field tangentially related to my current field for an informational interview. When we met, he told I had a job at his company if I wanted one. The job would be created for me but would meet an obvious need: acquaintance is beyond busy and things are slipping the ought he cracks. Acquaintance was about to travel for work so in my thank you email I basically said I was interested in discussing further and would follow up with him on [date he mentioned he’d be back in town] if I hadn’t heard from him before then. I have not heard from him. My guess is there a very good chance he’s so busy that taking time to make time (i.e. discuss hiring me) is overwhelming even if it would help in the long run and a relatively small chance his offer was just talk. What should my follow up look like?

    1. I would wait a few days/a week after the deadline you’d mentioned in your email passes (I think it was smart of you to anticipate that in your original email otherwise you’d be wondering if it was too much to check back in) and say you hope the trip was successful, wanted to check in as promised, and look forward to speaking with him if he’s still interested and available to meet up. I’d leave it at that and not check in again.

  12. I need a powder blue shell that I can wear under a navy suit, mostly for job interviews. Price range under 100, preferably under 50, extra points for machine washable. I’m a petite hourglass and tend to be in the 0-2 size range. Anyone interested?

      1. A warning: if you normally have trouble with button downs because of your chest, then these keyholes will turn into gaping look-at-the-girls windows.

    4. There is a light blue shell called the Ravello on the boden site. I can’t remember is it ia sold or a slight print but worth checking out.

    6. I got a great one at J Crew Factory online recently. It doesn’t look like it is available any more but there are others that look good.

  13. My SO and I have a trip scheduled to Paris and Brussels in a few short weeks. We didn’t book flights until after the Paris attacks in November, so we knew there were heightened security concerns. Any advice on how to handle this trip? Has anyone had experience traveling to a place shortly after something like this happens? Should I consider altering plans and not go to Brussels? My SO says that we need to be vigilant, but that we should not alter plans because then the terrorists “win.” Logically, I agree with him, but my heart is still a little weary….any advice is welcome!

    1. It would not even occur to me to cancel or switch to a different city. The fact that there was an attack in Brussels yesterday makes it no more likely that there will be one there next week. If anything it makes it less likely. By some measure, Paris and Brussels are the two safest cities in Europe right now because they’ll probably attack somewhere else next.

      1. This answer isn’t really based on any fact, though. Belgium has such fragmented administration and information-sharing issues (as well as neighborhoods that are ripe for radicalization) that I would be concerned that it will remain a target for some time to come. I’m sure there will be attacks elsewhere, but that doesn’t mean Brussels in particular is safe.

        1. This. There is an article in Slate today that says terrorists specifically set up shop in Belgium because of its lax intelligence apparatus and siloed government.

          I flew a few days after 9/11 and I figured that statistically, I was safer than ever. But I don’t think Belgium qualifies in this way due to the fact that is was not, in fact an anomaly. It was likely deliberate due to lax security.

      2. I disagree. I’m not one to be overly cautious (attacks can happen anywhere and at any time) but the media is widely reporting that Belgium (and particularly Brussels) has some unique characteristics which make it susceptible to terror attacks. There is some government dysfunction, they have multiple layers of police which do not all talk to each other nor talk to other EU forces, they have a larger than average Muslim population which is segregated from other citizens and there were about 5 other factors mentioned today alone. YMMV, but I’d go to Paris but not Belgium.

        1. Ok I wasn’t aware of those media reports, and maybe there are special circumstances that make Brussels less safe than other cities. But I don’t think the mere fact that there were attacks there recently is a reason to avoid it. (Also government dysfunction and multiple layers of police which don’t talk to each other? Isn’t that all countries? It certainly describes the US.)

          1. Belgium does government dysfunction in its own special way. They’ve spent months and months without governments after elections before. In many ways it’s to do with the two linguistic/ cultural groups (Flanders/ Wallonia).

            That said I’d still visit. When I’m travelling I generally try to avoid public transport at morning commuter time, because I don’t want to be that clueless tourist (I grew up in London…) – that advice would I think hold. Unfortunately, attacks on public transport seem almost always to be in the morning as people are going to work.

    2. Honestly, if it were me, I’d probably try to switch to a different destination. Not for any logical reason, other than to spare my mother the agony of sleepless nights for my entire trip.

      1. I didn’t really enjoy visiting Brussels as much as I’d hoped. I saw everything I was interested in over a single afternoon. If you still want to go to Belgium, I did like Bruges and feel like I didn’t get to explore it as much in the one day we spent there.

        Amsterdam was awesome and i think it’s easy to get there from Paris on the train. We went in April a few years ago and turned out to be a pretty good time to go. Plus, the tulips were out of you can get a car and drive into the countryside.

          1. I also preferred Bruges, though it was an overnight stop and Brussels a lunch stop (on a road trip). I also liked Ghent, which was very pretty.

        2. I second Sydney Bristow. I was underwhelmed by Brussels. I recall eating a waffle at a sidewalk cafe (because cliches are fun?) and wishing it was time to take the train to the next city. Amsterdam would be a great alternative.

          1. Thirding. I might skip Brussels just because there are other places I preferred in Belgium, including Bruges (!!!), Ghent, and Antwerp.

    3. I went to Paris 10 days after the November attacks and was very glad I did! I didn’t have any security concerns for the reasons you/others have already said, and it was a great time to be there as a tourist. I also generally don’t like to give in to security concerns/”let the terrorists win” because I’m contrary like that.

    4. Make plans to go to the Middle East.
      That will put this in perspective.

      I lived in NYC on 9/11, I lived in DC, I’ve traveled places there have been attacks — there is nothing you can do to prevent them, only to be wary and protective. If you want to, you can look into things to be aware of, stay away from crowds, away from “soft targets” but honestly, I’m sorry, there is nothing you can do. I wouldn’t let it change your plans at all.

      As a frequent traveler to the Middle East, when people bring up these fears to me/for me, my motto is “Well, it’s never a good time to go, so you might as well go now.”

      1. +1.

        I did NYE in Times Square this year. There were lots of fresh security concerns and my group seriously considered staying home to be safe. I was a vocal vote for going. As an average citizen (as in, someone who doesn’t work for an intelligence agency), there’s no way to predict or avoid terrorism. Go, live your life. Short of moving to a corn field in Iowa, the threat of terror attacks is just part of modern life now. There’s no way to predict where is safe and where isn’t.

        For that matter, none of us is safe at work (San Bernadino), school (Newtown), or the movies (Colorado).

        Life is dangerous and always has been. Now instead of dying from cholera or wild animals, we might die in a mass casualty situation. Law enforcement does what it can, but I’ve always figured when it’s my time to go, it’s my time to go. So, short of moving to a corn field, I’m just gonna keep on doing my thing.

        1. Hey the corn fields of Iowa are pretty nice ;)
          I agree with your broader point though. There are so many places and ways you can die here in the US. You just have to live your life.

        2. I grew up in a rural area and then moved away as an adult, living in several different cities in the US and Europe. My parents and grandparents were always worried about my safety in the big scary city, but they were the ones who were only 10 miles from the plane crash in Pennsylvania on 9/11. I was the one who couldn’t get through to anyone in my family after seeing “plane crash in Pennsylvania” on the internet and had no idea what was happening and whether anyone on the ground was injured. So really, even the cornfields aren’t safe from terrorist activity.

      2. If you live in the US anywhere in the world that you travel to is going to have more political violence. I personally think that is a completely acceptable risk, I can imagine that for some people it isn’t, but that is the reality. In terms of this particular kind of violence those of us who live in the US and Canada essentially live in a bubble. I think its worth leaving that bubble to travel, it may not be for others.

        1. But most other places have way less risk of gun violence, so unclear that the overall risk is greater outside the US.

          1. I am saying that Europe has far more of a particularly kind of violence (political) than the US. The level of gun violence in the US is obviously insanely high compared to Europe, but for whatever reasons most Americans do not seem too scared of that. I also know non Americans who are kind of freaked out to travel here and frankly I think they have more to be scared of than we do when we are traveling abroad. Maybe I didn’t articulate my point well, what I meant to say is that traveling outside the US does include a risk of exposure to a kind of violence that is practically non existent here.

    5. I would go to Paris but consider switching the Brussels portion to Amsterdam or Bruges.

      I would wait a week or so before rebooking to see if things calm down a bit as Brussels may be fine.

    6. I was in Paris in early December, within a month of the shootings there. Honestly, it was one of my best Paris trips ever because so many other tourists were deterred from visiting. The lines for most of the tourist attractions were much less than I expected. There an unusual number of armed patrols (although that may also have been due to the climate conference) but we didn’t feel hemmed in at all.

    7. I went to Turkey the afternoon of the attacks in Ankara in October, and I am so glad that I went. And honestly, I’d probably still go back today. Avoid large crowds/gatherings, and walk more than taking public transit, and you’re lowering your chances of being in an attack, that’s basically it.

      My view is that all travel involves risk, and my life where I live currently also involves risk (driving is pretty risky!). Statistically, I was more likely to be mugged or attacked on the street while travelling than be in an ISIS attack. And the purpose of terrorism is to create fear. I see no purpose in changing my life because of ISIS, that’s their intent.

      Also, there’s a much lower chance of another attach in Belgium right now than anywhere else- security is high, and at the same time, their economy is suffering from this, so as a tourist, I’m happy to go spend my money to support Belgium. Truthfully, I’d be most likely to reschedule just because the extra security will result in delays.

      If you’re really uncomfortable, of course, change your plan, but…I wouldn’t be hasty.

      Also, I hated Bruges, that city was not worth it, it’s overly touristy, and full of tour groups. Ghent, or Antwerp are MUCH better, I wished I had made Antwerp my “base” in Belgium instead of Brussels, Antwerp was awesome.

    9. I wouldn’t go to Brussels – not just because of safety concerns, but because I feel like I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it when the city is in mourning. Too sad and emotional for me to handle.

      1. I don’t know what the environment in Brussels is like right now, but I went to NYC a few weeks after 9/11 and it was actually pretty inspirational. Maybe because New Yorkers are not stereotypically warm, but it was really amazing to see so much kindness and concern for strangers, and people were openly appreciative of tourists like me who were invigorating the local economy. It wasn’t sad at all, the atmosphere felt surprisingly uplifting and hopeful. It’s really beautiful to see any entire city come together like that.

    10. Thanks everyone for your feedback! I’m going to monitor the situation and give it a week or two before making any final decisions, but I’m guessing we’ll still go. We’ll only be in Brussels for one day/two nights with a day trip to Bruges during that time, and then moving on to Amsterdam so it was nice to hear that so many of you suggested those places!

      1. I’d consider switching to stay a night in Bruges. As one of the comments mentioned above, Bruges is very touristy and the streets are crowded with tour groups. I really enjoyed the charm and quiet of the early mornings and evenings. It was pretty obvious when the groups arrived and left (the whole town suddenly emptied out) and there was still plenty open to see and do.

    11. I agree with your SO. Cancelling a trip to Europe due to an attack is not something that would cross my mind. But disclaimer, I am from the Middle East and actually go back to my home country from time to time.

    12. You could just as easily stay home and end up getting shot in a movie theater or school. Go. Be vigilant, but go and live your lives.

  14. Are there any ladies here who work in medicine or public health (or something similar like midwifery or physical therapy)? What do you do? I’m just curious since I hear so much more from the lawyers on this board!

    1. Tangentially I do – I am a fundraiser for cancer research and care at a university. So I work with physicians and scientists every day, although I am not one myself!

    2. (This somehow ended up in the wrong place)

      I work on Medicaid, doing policy and finance stuff.

    3. I’m a lawyer at a public health organization — so half of what you’re looking for!

    4. Surgeon. I know there are several other MDs on the board. I have learned so much about law and business from you ladies!

    8. Trained in psychology (PhD) and public health (MPH), and working at a cancer center as a researcher.

  15. Homeowners – how often do you have you gutters cleaned, and are there particular times of year it should be done? I’m embarrassed to admit I did not even know this was a thing until a recent episode of Modern Family.

    1. I do mine twice a year; in the Fall (after all the leaves are down) and in the Spring (before spring-showers and random Summer storms). It’s super important because if they clog, the water doesn’t drain/disperse properly and can damage your foundation. I have a 100 year old house so I take no chances!

    2. At least once a year after all the leaves have fallen in the Fall but before the Winter freeze. We do it twice a year bc our roof is right under a tree and leaves tend to clog up the eaves troughs which wreak havoc during Winter free and spring rain.

    3. I think it depends on where you live and what trees are in your yard. We had gutter guards put on and the people who did that said even with gutter guards we need at least an annual cleaning. We have four large oak trees in our yard that drop tons of catkins in the spring and leaves and acorns in the fall. If we didn’t have guards, we’d probably “need” to clean out the gutters every couple of weeks during those time-frames. That said, we got the guards installed a couple years ago and have done nothing since.

    4. It depends on the characteristics of your lot. We have three mature trees in our yard, so ideally we’d do it 2x/year … but I’ve been getting away with 1x per year. And thanks for the reminder, I need to get ours done.

    5. Do you all set up a ladder and do it yourselves? I’m pretty sure we need to be taking care of this – I’ve noticed some weird draining behavior in one of our gutters recently. It’s above steps so I was not sure how to use the ladder – or if we even have a ladder that goes high enough.

      1. I believe there are three approaches. First, get on the roof and shovel things out from that side. Second, use a ladder – painful because you have to move the ladder slowly down the roofline of the house (there is an irobot robot for this but I haven’t tried it).

      3. Hire someone if you have 2+ stories. I know two people who fell while cleaning gutters or similar.

        If it’s a one-story house, it’s really not hard or even very time consuming once you set your mind to do it. Obv, you can still hire out, though.

    6. Definitely depends on your tree cover. We used to live in a woodsy area and had to do it multiple times a year (and frankly got to the point of hiring someone to do it a least two times in the fall and again in the late spring). In our new house, in a new development with little mature tree cover, we do it ourselves once towards the end of the fall. And even then, it’s pretty negligible how much we get out.

      1. Same. Twice a year when we lived in a mature neighbourhood with mature trees. Our newer neighbourhood we can skip years because our house is taller than all the trees.

    7. Never. My neighborhood doesn’t have any trees approaching the height of my house. I just replaced the roof ~6 months ago and the roofer said there was nothing in the gutters. Pretty sure the prior owner had never had the gutters cleaned.

  16. Heading to Guadeloupe in the next few weeks for 4 short days. Has anyone been before? Anything that’s a must-do while I’m out there? The current plan is to sit on the beach and drink margaritas all day – but would like to do a little more than that if we can make it happen during such a short trip.

  17. Anyone have reviews/suggestions on the Barbour beadnell coat? Is the vest lining and hood worth the additional cost?

    Thanks!

    1. I recommend sizing down if you have a narrower waist. W/r/t the hood, I would get one if you can as it’s handy in rain. Despite running cold most of the time I’ve only worn the vest once, when I was outside for several hours in cold/windy weather.

  18. Does anyone else find that it’s just easier to work with/for men? They don’t beat around the bush or get all emotional, they just say what they mean. Woman wonder why they can’t get to the top when they act like emotional babies at work and have to discuss simple things with 4 people before getting things done. I’m a women and I realize I’m generalizing but I’ve worked under 3 woman and 4 men during my 10 year career and I’ve just had it with women. Rant over.

    2. Most of my best bosses have been women. I’ve worked with plenty of men who were passive-aggressive, conflict-avoidant, and indecisive.

      What I find more interesting is that you’re assuming the issues that you have with your supervisors have been due to their gender, when the other commonality is you.

    3. I disagree with the female piece, but I really hate working with people who get very emotional and take things too personally.

      While I think this is generally a stereotype thrown towards women, in my current office, the men have ALL THE FEELINGS.

      For me, it’s more of a personality issue than a gender issue.

      1. Also the ways in which men tend to show emotion are more socially acceptable as “normal” and are therefore not by default viewed as emotional. Sort of an extreme example, but in my current office, two guys got into a fistfight at work and no one thinks less of them as professionals and they’re still here. One girl made an unflattering comment-nothing really too out there, but something she shouldn’t have done- to a (male) colleague, cried in boss’ office over it, and got fired. People frequently make fun of her still for the crying, which was discreet enough for no one to have known it happened without boss saying something to everyone. I don’t really see how the fighting is more professional or respectable. And yes, I’m looking for another job for obvious reasons.

      2. This. In my 13 years I’ve had a *very* emotional short tempered male boss (awful), a male boss that was way to concerned about what others think (awful), a female highly emotional boss who was a FANTASTIC boss to me, but not a great fit for the company due to her emotions- I benefitted hugely since people went to me to avoid her, and she loved me. The other great boss I had was male, and just an excellent leader and communicator.

        I’ve also had a female boss who had to gain concensus of 900 people but it’s because she want actually smart or a good leader, not because she was female.

    4. As a woman who went to a women’s college… no, this has not been my experience at all.
      Is it you? Do you somehow invite these conversations or indecisiveness? If this is your common experience with women, I’d have to say it might not be “women” and might be the commonality among them. Women and men are diverse individuals, not a subject for a morning DJ comedy routine. Ugh.

      1. As a women’s college grad, I agree with the OP – in my 30 year career in 5 different organizations, I have found women harder to work with. That is a huge generalization, I realize – I have worked with delightful women. I am amused, though, that posters here are perfectly comfortable stereo-typing men, but are betraying our gender if we do it with women.

    5. Internalized sexism right here. Depends on your experience but I think you are a troll.

    7. Hahahahahaha. No.

      The biggest emotional babies I have worked for have all been men. I don’t generalize that to all men.

    8. Like I said I was definitely generalizing. I don’t treat women different than I treat men. I think maybe the 3 woman I’ve worked for are just really emotional women. I shouldn’t have made it female specific…I did work with a terrrribbblle male partner once. I’m just angry and looking for an outlet. Sorry if it was offensive.

      1. Hahahaha. Girl, you weren’t accidentally sexist when you said “I’ve just had it with women” but nice try.

      2. “Sorry if it was offensive” is apparently the new “I’m not a racist/sexist/homophobe, but…”

          1. It should be obvious that perpetuating negative stereotypes about professional women on a forum by and for professional women would be offensive…

          2. Anon at 11:28, oh god, enough calling people out on being racist, sexist, or homophobic? Nope. You don’t get to decide what is and isn’t oppressive to another human being. I sincerely hope that if you ever need an ally in your corner when someone else is trying to discriminate against you based on your gender, that they don’t take the “oh god, enough with the political correctness” tap-out.

            To the OP, yup, what you wrote was offensive and sexist. But what’s written is written and it sounds like you are self-aware enough to understand that you should have addressed this differently. Cool! We all f things up sometimes and say things we wish we hadn’t. What matters is what you do and how you act going forward.

    9. That’s funny you say this…

      My last job was almost all men, and it seemed drama free and I was loving it and wondered…. why so good? I thought at first it was the men > women. Until my male boss tried to set me up with another male superior of mine. Unbelievable. Then I realized… in retrospect… that the few females in my circles actually had been more supportive of me all along. And it was the guys who then actively thwarted me once I declined getting into a relationship at work.

    10. Nope. I cant say I’ve had that experience.

      I actually worked for a male partner at my last job who was an emotional baby. You couldn’t even talk to him before noon because he was grumpy in the morning. I got so angry at one of my male coworkers when he described this partner as “such a woman”. No. He’s a 60 year old man, last time I checked.

    11. “Does anyone else find that it’s just easier to work with/for men?”\

      No.

      “They don’t beat around the bush or get all emotional, they just say what they mean.”

      BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Maybe the men *you’ve* worked for are like this, but let me assure you, all men do *not* share this trait. Exhibit A: my narcissistic, emotionally manipulative, woefully insecure male boss who needs constant attention and validation and is also extraordinarily emotional, known for passive aggression, and outright lying to people. Meanwhile, my other male bosses “congratulate” me for continuing to “take the high road” and be polite to him.

      “Woman wonder why they can’t get to the top when they act like emotional babies at work and have to discuss simple things with 4 people before getting things done.”

      Please. Get out of here with this crap. Emotional babies? WTF. I have literally never experienced this with a female professional I’ve worked with. Sure, ALL women are like this… eye roll.

      I’m a women and I realize I’m generalizing but I’ve worked under 3 woman and 4 men . . . ”

      Yeah, you are generalizing. You can stop it now. People are individuals. Wow, three whole women and four whole men. Sounds like you’ve really experienced a diverse range of people (sarcasm, for the impaired).

      “I’ve just had it with women. Rant over.”

      WTF? Let me guess, you don’t have many female friends, and you just get along better with the guys, too. I bet the problem is you.

    12. I have had terrible working relationships with the last three assistants (all were shared). Common factor was me, I am not a great boss. I suck at giving instructions. I don’t correct and clarify fast enough.

      There are a lot of female bosses who have it down though.

      2. So you think you’re a crappy supervisor and that you’d be better if you were a man?

      1. Maybe because “the troll” has a point? It’s funny how everyone got so defensive and emotional which totally confirms the OP’s hypothesis.

        3. “Maybe because “the troll” has a point? It’s funny how everyone got so defensive and emotional which totally confirms the OP’s hypothesis.”

          Sigh… I’m sorry you’re incapable of reasoning, but let me hold your hand and walk you through this.

          OP’s hypothesis is that women are *needlessly* emotional at work and overly complicate simple things.

          What you have observed here is women who are angry at and contradicting OP’s clearly s3xist remarks.

          Gee, are these two things similar? Here, I’ll spell it out to you. The first premise is that women are inappropriately overly emotional to situations that do not warrant it, solely because they are women. What’s happening here is women who are reacting emotionally to intentionally s3xist insults (which is a situation that warrants a strong, and potentially emotional, response). Get it now?

          Pro-tip: you don’t get to insult people and then point your finger at them and say “see!!!! I told you, you’re emotional!!!

          Fool.

    15. Anecdata: I’ve worked directly for one woman and for another who is my boss’s boss. One was a flaming b!tch, but she was like that to everyone, men and women alike. She was an unhappy and unpleasant person, period. My boss’s boss is amazing, awesome, supportive, and understanding. Similarly, I’ve worked for men who were a$$holes and now I work for one that is awesome, supportive, and understanding.

      I used to think the way that you do, and I realized that I was coloring such interactions with my own bias. Bias that was likely formed by the perception in/portrayal by the media that women in power are b!tchy, emotional, and/or bossy, etc.

      I now approach people as people, individually. Some suck, some don’t – sex is not a deciding factor unless I make it one.

    16. Funny – my husband is an upper-level manager and has always told me that he’d rather manage women than men any day of the week. He said the women he’s worked with have always been harder working, smarter, better performers, and easier to manage than the men. So maybe it’s just you?

      1. No it’s not just her. There is plenty of empirical research documenting that working for a female manager results in much poorer outcomes for women (i.e. job satisfaction, hours worked, likelihood of promotion, wage, etc.).

        1. I thought the stated reason for this was competition- the idea that there can be only one (or however many, but limited) “successful” women. Not because women are more emotional and all that.

    17. Stereotyping women as emotional is sexist trolling. That said, at my former Big Law firm, the women who were senior partners were hard on women because they had had to be SO much better than their male peers to get where they are, and they put the same sort of pressure on women beneath them. I much preferred working for senior male partners or junior partners (or counsel) of any sex.

      1. That’s not really true that a statement about women being on average more emotional than men is “sexist trolling”. It is an empirical fact. There are certainly lots of emotional men and very unemotional women but the statement is still factually accurate.

        2. On some level almost all stereotypes are based on fact. It doesn’t mean it’s not sexist/racist/etc to make the generalization.

        3. This woman would like to see a citation to this empirical fact, please. SO that my itty-bitty mind can comprehend some data about why I’m so emotional. NOW.

          Thanks.

          1. +1 – because all “studies” are not created equal. And anyone creating empirical data knows there’s always a lot of assumptions built into collection of that data. Especially when the “data” being collected is pretty subjective (emotional state).

          3. Nope, the person citing “empirical fact” needs to back up their statements with the source.

            Otherwise it sounds you like don’t actually have anything to back up your argument.

        4. You seem really confused. Here, let me help you.

          Let’s assume as true your premise that studies have shown that women are “more emotional.” This does NOT mean that a) women are more emotional in the work place; b) that women are more emotional in way that negatively effects those around them, whether in the work place or out of it. BOTH a and b are premises in OP’s statement, which are NOT supported by empirical data.

          OP did not present the hypothesis “women are more emotional than men.” She presented premises a and b. A and b are the s3xist stereotypes. Applying unfounded negative generalizations to a group of people, especially in the workplace, where discrimination is common, is s3xist trolling.

    18. Isn’t it interesting that when women stereotype “all women” they somehow conveniently leave themselves out of it? “Women are all emotional babies, except for me of course, I’m a super reasonable exception to the rule.”

    19. I honestly can’t believe that all of you are responding to this incredibly sexist, misogynistic troll. This is not a real post and frankly, some of these responses are shocking and awful. I thought this was a community for women to thrive, not to tear each other down. Are we SERIOUSLY “debating” whether women are “emotional babies” and whether we’ve “had it” with them? Give me a f*cking break.

      1. So, the OP may or may not be a troll, but there’s still a value in deconstructing and s3xism and contradicting the argument. That’s why I respond. I’ll tear this OP’s s3xism down all I want. But feel free to belittle and devalue my contributions, too.

        1. Yeah, I don’t think there’s much value in deconstructing things like this. What’s next – “all women are b*itches. Discuss?” or ” All women are sl*ts, who agrees with me?” Lending weight and value to those arguments as if they’re worthy of debate is harmful to women.

          1. Uh, really? You don’t think there’s value in discussing why the premises that all women are emotional in the work place is s3xist, or discussing why the concept of a “s!ut” is s3xist? It should be obvious to you from reading this thread that there are people who buy into OP’s idea.

            I don’t know what sort of sweet feminist bubble you live in but there are a LOT of people who still believe these types of misogynistic ideas. Come ON- the idea that women are inferior employees for whatever reason has certainly not left the public mind. You’re naive if you think that it is responding to these ideas that lends them weight and value. Deconstructing them shows why they’re wrong, rather then just tossing your hands in the air and saying “oh, god, she’s obviously just a troll!”

            You’re welcome not to bother challenging ideas that you find unsavory, but don’t you dare try to shame those of us do it. I assure you, enough people still believe these things for these ideas to have a demonstrably negative impact on actual women’s lives. FORGIVE ME if I choose to challenge harmful ideas. Give me a f*cking break.

    20. Not my experience. I much prefer to work with the women in my office. They respond to requests in a timely manner, provide all relevant facts from the get-go, are more willing to help out, and in general, just get stuff done with no fuss. The men. Not so much.

    21. My worst boss was a woman. My best boss was a (different) woman. Totally depends on the people.

    22. OK, I certainly don’t agree with the broad generalizations about women.

      I’ve spent about 15 years so far in the working world, in a few different careers and levels. I will say that my relationships with men and women have been different. The nature of the relationships are different, at least with regards to the people I have worked closely with. My relationships with male colleagues has been less personal / opposite for women. I know that I respond differently to women than I do to men. I’m more likely to talk about my own personal experiences and share emotions with them. With men, it’s more strictly professional.

      I wonder if that might be some of what OP is experiencing. What I’m trying to communicate is that her experience (if she’s not a troll) may not really be about differences between men and women themselves, but based on the different types of relationships that she may have with her colleagues that correlate with gender.

  20. I’ve never not worked FT and my children are now in elementary school. I’m seeing how different that is than day care, where I knew the teachers, friends, parents of friends, and was in the room every day, twice a day. I feel like school is very important and much more fast-paced than when I was younger (and I live in an area with at least 50% SAHMs). Right now, I leave at 4:30 and log in later from home, but it means that I am white-knuckling in between and always rushing.

    Has anyone gone PT specifically with older kids? I’d like to just clock out at 4 and delegate down until the morning (big law income partner currently, 2 juniors under me and a possible third in a year).

    I see all that can go wrong with junior high and high school kids and I really enjoy my children / knowing their friends / knowing the parents of friends. I think that a good nanny could help with some of that (let them go to after school activities, oversee that homework is at least started).

    Our school district has in-school after school care through 6th grade, so I’m thinking that I get until then to plan or get ideas or listen to others who may have had the same thoughts / concerns.

    [The kick off for this is one child using a computer program for school and wanted to use a messaging feature on it and at that point, the creepiness of the internet and the ready availability of stuff like that (I have girls who have no sense at all of the horrible stuff in the world) is something where I don’t really trust anyone else to play goalie. FWIW, the answer is NO, you do not EVER send messages to ANYONE on the computer (for now).]

    1. If you’re a partner, do you have to technically go PT, or do you have the flexibility/autonomy to just elect to do what you’re describing above? At my firm, it’s really uncommon for partners to go PT, just because it’s kind of up to you once you hit partnership to decide how much you’re going to work (and how much money you’re going to make), but I know that varies a lot from firm to firm.

    2. This is part of the reason why I’m leaning in now, with younger kids, is that the kids will likely need me differently in different ways when they’re older. No, I haven’t done this (yet) but it is definitely on the table and I see a lot of parenting mentors who have done this.

    3. I look forward to responses on this. My school district also has on-site aftercare until 6th grade. But the idea of letting my son go home on his own at 11 or 12 keeps me up at night (he’s 8 now).

        1. Yup – I babysat at 11 too.

          But I was also assaulted walking to school alone when I was 9.

        2. This is mean. Just because it’s hard for her to visualize now doesn’t mean she won’t allow it once her kid is actually 12 and she sees what that’s like/what other kids his age are doing.

        3. Did you have access to The Entire Internet at age 12? I don’t know — I was 12 in 1990, so I didn’t. The worst thing I could do was burn the microwave popcorn.

          1. DH has already figured out how to disable the Internet when our kids are left home alone. They are 6 and 4 now, so we have a bit of time ;).

        4. Cray? The safety of my child is my only priority. If you have something constructive to add, please do. But keep the name calling to yourself.

          1. You are staying up at nights worrying over something that a) is not a real problem and b) is years away.

          2. Your job is also to teach your kid to be a functional adult, though. Letting kids have progressively greater independence starting early is part of that.

          3. I have to assume that Anonymous doesn’t have kids. I have 8 year olds too, and while I may feel differently when they are 11/12, right now I totally agree with you that I can’t see leaving them home alone. Particularly together, which would be worse than one of them alone. And I was a latchkey kid by that age. Every kid is different, and you are the mom who gets to make the decision about yours.

      2. Yeah, I was left at home with my little sister at that age. Sometimes also with my grandfather with dementia. And this was pre-cell phone and we lived in the country 45 minutes from the closest police station or hospital. So. Yeah, dont worry, its fine.

    4. Wait srsly? Do what you want in terms of staying home but major major lol at the idea that doing so will be of use in sheltering your kids from the Internet, any more so than after-care or a nanny.

          1. I don’t see that you can actually buy it, just it had a kickstarter campaign. Do you have a link?

        2. I get that, but life is not a lecture course. I’m not sure how you do the trust-but-verify on some of this. The rule used to be one computer, in a public place, kept you from the bad stuff b/c someone would see or the kid would know better.

          We saw a guy pleasuring himself at a park in front of people. At least you can see that. But the more devious, manipulative predators are much sneakier than that, as are the mean girls, etc.

          Not sure what the answer is, but I’m sure that a loving adult presence probably helps a lot, especially if a kid has doubts about what she’s doing / asked to do.

    5. I am not in your shoes, but I used to work with biglaw partners who left at roughly 5pm every day and were not on a part-time schedule. They came in early (for my office) and left early. They both had young-ish kids. I don’t think they drew a hard line about clocking out, and would respond to emails and/or review documents later in the evening (i.e., post-dinner and bedtime) if necessary, but they were not routinely jumping on conference calls or doing work at midnight if it could wait until the following day. So, I think if you manage expectations it can be done without officially going PT.

    6. Do the aftercare until grade 6. Then I would look at hiring someone to help around the house (fold laundry/meal prep) and pick the kids up from school/take them to their activities. You might find a university student or retired teacher who’s interested in something like this like 2:30-5:30 daily.

      The 3-6pm period is when most junior/high school kids get into trouble. Keep them busy with activities (art/music/sports/whatever) combined with a few days a week hanging out at home with the caregiver in the house and they’ll be fine. Also, try to pick an activity to do with them one on one – like a mom and daughter yoga class on Saturdays to give you non-routine time to connect.

      No computers/internet enabled phones in the bedrooms goes a long way towards responsible Internet use. Another tactic is to change the WiFi password daily so they only get WiFi access when they have completed homework/chores. Don’t let their phones have data plans. They can use wifi at home and school.

    7. No experience but I was just thinking about my own childhood recently. I had a teacher mom who was home after school everyday. I was also in a ton of sports. At first I was thinking, wow, I would have got in so much trouble if my mom wasn’t home everyday. What am I going to do with my future teens? And then I realized I did every single one of the things you don’t want your kids to be doing and I did it with my parents home. I also have friends that were helicopter parented and they found ways to do those things to — IN SCHOOL. I had one long term boyfriend that I had sex with throughout high school and my parents never knew (as far as I know). They were strict Catholic. We were allowed upstairs in my room to do our homework with the door open. My younger brother had friends downstairs being loud so that is why we were allowed upstairs. We could do our thing quietly and listen to hear if mom was coming up the stairs. We kept the majority of our clothes on and could be covered back up in just seconds if need be. I had friends that would take a bathroom pass at a prescribed time as a boyfriend and go to the drama prop closet and get it on in a tent on top of another stage prop. Kids will find a way.

      1. Of course helicopter parenting isn’t the answer, but if OP is home with her kids after school she will find it much easier to maintain the type of open communication that will help insulate her kids from getting into trouble, and she will be much more able to take advantage of teachable moments as they arise.

        1. Yeah, this. I was a goodie two shoes thoughout high school. I don’t think it’s because my mom was physically in the house preventing me from doing this stuff. It’s because the fact that she was always around and available to talk meant we were close and talked openly about pretty much everything and I was never really tempted to do bad stuff.

          1. Or maybe it was your personality? I find this whole thread somewhat laughable. I’m the parent of three children, all raised in identical circumstances. One is a rule breaker who has been in and out of trouble no matter how closely we monitored or advised him, maintained honest and open discussions and modeled good behavior. The other is his complete opposite, would never think to break a rule and worries about what to do when others behave in behavior he doesn’t support. #3 is in between. As others have said, I don’t think that being home between 3-6 pm is a magic bullet for your kids to avoid risks or problems. Should you be involved in their lives, familiar with their friends, know something within reason about their computer activities and (in the future) use of the car? Of course!

        2. This is what I’m getting at — the 80% of success is just showing up method of parenting.

          1. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. My mom was around, but we weren’t close and still aren’t. I was an honor roll student and in sports, but I still did all kinds of bad crap that my parents still to this day to not know about (including getting subpoenaed and going to court because a friend of mine got shot at a party 2 miles away from my house in upper middle class suburbia 20 years ago). I was with my mom for four hours solid twice a week (including a 30 min car ride each way to the activity), I was at swim practice four days a week and had meets on other days during the season, yadda, yadda, yadda. You get the idea.

          2. Eh, it is and it isn’t. Let’s remember that parents in the 50’s and 60’s, where one parent worked FT and one was a stay-at-home mother, spent way less time actually interacting with their children than we do today with two full-time parents.

            It’s anecdotal, but my mom was a full-time single parent working nights most of my childhood. I did afterschool activities, I had babysitters and nannies, and I was a very quiet, bookish child who was happy to be left alone to read two books a day, but when my mom was there, she was 100% there, and that’s what I remember, and that’s why I internalized her values and never even thought about getting into trouble. I was, however, strongly independent and resourceful, which has served me well.

        3. I don’t think you need to be “home after school” to have this kind of relationship. My ex is a college professor who was home much more during the day than I was, and I travel for work a good deal, including when DS was a tween/young teenager, so I was not generally there in the afternoons. We did and do have a very good, open relationship — it was me, not his father, he came to at 15 when his GF was cutting herself, at 16 when he felt he was dealing with depression, at 17 when he and his later (and someone better adjusted) GF decided to have sex, and on and on. We did not have this kind of relationship because I was there to pick him up from school and watch his computer use between 3 and 6 p.m., but because I worked at talking with him and building a relationship of trust. And, I know of both FT working parents and SAHMs, including one who home-schooled (in the liberal hippy vein, not religious right) whose kids are troubled.

          OP, I can’t tell you what you should do, but there’s no magic formula and being at home after-school is not a guarantee of safety for your kids or a strong relationship.

    8. This is hitting really close to home right now. My 13 year old used to be so well adjusted until this school year. She is now on the verge of suspension because she’s had detention twice in since the new year and just got caught skipping first hour. She is home alone from 3:15 to 4:30 but I think I’m going to start sending her to Grandma’s. I just can’t trust her. I wish I could be the one getting her off the bus but it just isn’t happening with my work situation now.

    9. I don’t really have thoughts on your PT vs FT dilemma, but as for internet safety, the absolute best thing you can do is just to have open dialogue with your kids about the dangers of the internet and how they can keep themselves safe. Kids are so, so smart, and by the time kids are pre-teens most are able to circumvent parental controls you put on devices. (True story: when I was in 5th grade in the late 90s, before my schools’ computers were internet-enabled and we had “computer lab time,” my class figured out how to circumvent control panel restrictions and enable computer-to-computer messaging with the supervisor sitting right there!). And even if you do have super-strong controls enabled, I’ll bet you your kid could still use someone else’s device to do what he/she wants. So education is really, really key here.

      1. I’ll bet you your kid could still use someone else’s device to do what he/she wants.

        This *1000.

        1. So you probably need to have a sense of who your kids hang out with, no?

          I know two nurses (M-F married couple) who stagger their shifts so one of them is always home. They know their kids, their kids’ friends, their kids’ friends parents. Their kids had stumbles, but they weren’t blind stumbles but ones where they all addressed it together.

    10. I don’t have any particular thoughts on Internet safety (my son was grown before it really became a thing), but I will tell you that the logistical demands of parenthood increase exponentially once they get into junior high and high school. You are always driving them to sports and activities, and the school stuff gets a lot more intense. I left my firm and took a 9 to 5 government job when my son started high school and it was a great move for our family.

    11. In the same shoes as you so I’m reading the responses with interest. For anecdata, I know women who have left law firm partnership: to go in-house, to become a recruiter, to have a solo practice or join a very small practice (but not a very busy one), to join their family business, and I also know plenty of women who stayed at the same place but cut down to 80% – these are all women who had been working FT and whose kids were in mid to late elementary school. I think the people who cut down to 80% are the happiest because they continue in the same role where they have proven themselves, and can ramp back up to full time. Some of these women also work from home 1 day a week (all of the 80% people I know work 5 days a week). I am thinking about doing that myself. I know at my firm there are plenty of people who do it and they just get paid less, but have the same respect from colleagues and challenging work. Is that an option for you as well?

      1. A lot of whether that works will depend on my ability to train (now) and delegate (now and later). Of course, all of my associates are female, so I hope to make a world for them where we have good work, there is enough of it, and not so much that they want to quit / go elsewhere.

        But my goal is to morph into a business development / training partner who lets the workers work. Especially if it is after 4 and before 8.

        1. That sounds really great. I think it would be critical to have some good clients that provide a steady stream of work. Unfortunately, I’m not there yet (my clients are mostly one-offs), but if that’s your goal, then maybe the focus should be on developing business and training now, without worrying about short-term profitability. But does your firm have a billable expectation for partners? Mine does, which means that even the big rainmaker partners still need to meet a certain threshold or else be docked on the bonus.

          1. I think I’d be OK with being docked on a bonus. I think that rockstar partners bill a lot, but the ones who get paid the most basically originate work that others do.

            I think I could dip to 1500 hours and no one would bat an eye if the originations didn’t change. I still can’t figure out law firm math (and I’m good at math), but it seems to be very originations-heavy (as opposed to hours-heavy).

          2. It sounds like your firm is more focused on originations than mine. However, my partners who have a lot of originations do stuff that I don’t personally love to do: they travel more to see clients or pick-up more work, they do a lot of speaking engagements (and preparing materials for speaking engagements) and they are kind of always responsive to clients (i.e., they are on their phones 24/7). Being at a law firm is just hard in that way – you can’t just be unavailable from 4 to 8 because people (clients, colleagues, everyone) expect quick responses to their questions. If your kids can be dropped off at after school activities where you can catch up on e-mails on the sidelines, then that might be a solution for you. Or maybe you and your spouse can shift schedules a little or take turns to try and be around more at home?

          3. I actually think being unavailable 4-8 is more realistic than taking set days off per week. I find people are less willing to wait a day or two for info and more willing to wait a few hours. 4 is pretty close to the end of the business day for most non-lawyer/finance types. I get way more work done between 6-8 because my phone stops ringing. That’s when I’m out of the office for board meetings too and most of the time I’m not missed. Usually when people go part time they take entire days off but for a litigator I think leaving at 4 daily might be an easier goal. It’s not really something I thought about before. You can’t control what days hearings are scheduled but at least where I work, you won’t be in court past 4.

    12. Here’s a puff piece I read a while back and just googled because I had found it inspiring in how it shows an example of a very busy professional making the RIGHT time for his kid. It’s not everything, and kids can get into trouble in 5 minutes if they want, but I feel like there are parents who know what’s up with their kids and those who don’t. Try to be in the former camp — but that doesn’t mean you need to be the kid’s shadow

      http://parade.com/132991/lukerussert/luke-russert-lessons-from-my-father/

    13. My husband works p/t so he can get our boys off to school in the morning and he gets home about the same time as hey get home from school. His job also has much more PTO than mine so he is home for most school holidays as well, and has flexibility to make sure dentist, dr and orthodontist appts are covered. It works really, really well for our family. Our boys are 10, 13 & 16 and are fine staying home alone on the occasional day Dh works late or they have one too many days off school in a month. We’re glad they don’t have to do it too often, though.

    14. I totally agree with feeling like my spouse or I need to be around more and even more involved now that the older kids are in elementary school. My husband went part time so he can put them on and get them off the bus, and we are discussing even more part time. It works for us (I’m also a big law income partner, but I’m the primary breadwinner).

    15. Semi-related thought: my boarding school turned off the internet at a certain hour. That’s harder to replicate now than in the days of Ethernet, but it was great. It really helped me actually get the sleep I needed.

    16. I am a big-law associate in my mid-30s, but my kids are 11 and 13 because we adopted them as older children. I was already on a reduced hours (still considered full-time) schedule before I took maternity leave basically due to just not wanting to bill like crazy/personal preference, and then came back on a true part-time schedule. I also work from home for geographic reasons. All of that lets me have time to hang out with my family and to pursue outside interests. I know there are definitely partners on part time schedules at my firm. (I may try to go that route, but would also be super happy to be a Senior Counsel when the time comes. I don’t think I am as into my career as some of the others here-I think I am good at my job and like that it provides a good stable income, but that is about all.)

  21. I tried this dress on recently and it fit and felt like a dream. Size 18. Was not on sale, so I passed—-excited to buy today!!!!!!!

  22. Looking for recommendations for white jeans for a skinny pear shape. I have a full butt/thighs and need something to hold it in place and not too thin material to hide my flaws.

    I bombed out last year….. I got Citizens of Humanity skinnies and they are a wrinkled, unflattering mess in no time. I also got much cheaper flares from the Limited. Also didn’t work.

    Need medium rise.

    Thanks!

      1. I was optimistic about these but found them unflattering. Too high rise? Can’t figure out why….

        1. Try a different cut! I can only wear the Barbara jeans, not the Haydens everyone else raves about, because the rise is too high on me. But my Barbara white jeans are amazing!

    2. So these are high rise but I love them so much that I’m recommending them anyways: J Brand Maria skinny jeans. I have a tummy and hips/butt/thighs and I found them so flattering. I can’t wait to pull them out again this year.

      1. Thanks for recommending this. I tried a lower rise of J Brand in the past but they didn’t quite work. I am generally scared of the high rise as then I feeling like here’s…. my….. BUTT!!

        I have also been debating whether I should just stay away from true skinnies because of my pear shape and go for straight leg.

    3. I had the same issue last year- I recommend the DL1961 Coco fit in white. They’re spendy, but it’s early enough that you may still be able to find them on sale (try 6pm.com). The coco cut is seriously curvy- I have a 12 inch difference between waist and hips and they fit me, but if you don’t need that much room also try the angel cut.

      1. Don’t know this brand at all. Will look for it – thanks. I also have a huge difference between waist and hips (same as yours) but this is complicated by the fact that jeans never go to a true waist anyway. I have had my jeans altered at the waist in the past.

        1. Welcome! I have to have the coco’s altered for length, but not at the waist, surprisingly! Too low of a rise looks terrible on me, not to mention the fact that there seems to never be enough fabric to cover my butt. The coco’s sit maybe an inch or two below my belly button. I can’t speak to their white denim, but at a lower price point I’ve also had luck with the INC for Macy’s curvy fit.

    4. Can you try Old Navy? They have a bunch of different cuts and come in white that’s thick enough so the pockets don’t show through. I like the Rockstar cut, but they are kind of a skinny straight leg, and you might want a different cut. Plus they’re super cheap, so if you decide you don’t love them after a couple of wears, it’s not a huge commitment.

      1. I tried these when I was looking for a black pair, as they were recommended here. But just too thin material for me to hold stuff in ok. They did look amazingly good for the price, I must say.

    5. I just bought the Paige Hidden Hills straight leg in white and love them. Mid rise, thick, opaque, hold their shape.

      1. My prior post is lost… But thanks for this. They are on sale with only my size left at 6pm! Are they true to size? Also, they call them high rise, but do feel they are more of a mid rise?

        Thanks for this rec.

      1. Yes! I would totally have rocked these pants in the 70s!

        Don’t be hatin’, y’all…

      2. I wore plaid pants similar to these in the 1970s, although in less eye-popping colors. In my defense, I was 8.

    10. My dad had these pants in the 70s. Growing up, I wore them for Tacky Day during Spirit Week (because yes, my parents throw out nothing. All of my mother’s clothes she was hanging on to from the 60s and 70s have cycled through in fashion again at some point in my life).

      1. Although I will admit they don’t look as horrible in the picture where they’re worn with the red tunic.

    11. If I’m going to buy crazy pants, I’m going to wear the Norwegian Curling Team pants, which I feel like are much cuter than this.

  25. Kind of weird question but for the first time in my life I’m having awful gas and heartburn. I’m burping constantly. My diet hasn’t changed. I read that calcium supplements can cause gas so I stopped taking my multivitamin but the burping is the same. What is wrong with me??

        1. Immaculate conception is conception without original sin.
          Virgin birth is pregnancy without prior s*x.

          Just sayin’ :)

          1. Protestant here. I don’t understand the distinction. What does “conception without original sin” mean?

          2. I don’t really get it but I was raised Catholic and the sum of my knowledge is :
            – Because of Adam and Eve disobeying God, we are all burdened with original sin;
            – Mary had to carry God as Jesus in her womb so God made her without original sin when she was conceived so she’d be up to the task;
            – Most people (including most Catholics) don’t know this and think the immaculate conception refers to Jesus, but it’s actually Mary.

            Make of that what you will!

          4. Red Velvet has it correct. Lazy Catholic married to a Prot. PK here so this is a regular discussion in our house.

          1. Let’s not start criticizing other’s religions again, please. On top of that it is our Holy Week. Whether or not YOU think it’s a sacred time, some people do. That was simply unnecessary.

            The rationale between the two issues above is accurate.

            I have a minor in philosophy, one in theology, and went to parochial school through college graduation.

            Let’s just let everyone believe what they wish. And I’m not afraid to use my regular handle here. Ahem.

    2. Not kidding, these were signs of pregnancy for me as well. Could it be stress? Any other changes in your life?

    3. Sounds like reflux or gastroparesis (slow stomach emptying). Watch to see if you have trigger foods, and you could try avoiding/smaller portions.

      You could also pick up an over the counter H2 blocker or PPI at Walgreens, and try.

      And yes, reflux and gastroparesis are very common, including with pregnancy. But many of us develop reflux with aging.

      Also, let your doctor know. In some cases they will want to look in your stomach to see if you have developed an infection (also common) that causes these symptoms. Then, you take an antibiotic, and may be cured!

      1. Thank you, I’ve only ever heard about reflux in babies before but some of the symptoms seem to fit. I will definitely ask my doctor about it.

    4. Have you been taking ibuprofen or other similar OTC meds? I get those symptoms when I take it consistently for headaches or other pain.

      2. Similar – I had mad indigestion after antibiotics destroyed my stomach’s fauna. Lots of yogurt helped set me straight.

    5. This happened to me when I had some changes in my cycle (and again in a big way when pregnant). I did end up going to the doctor and taking a course of OTC meds, which really helped. Now I get these symptoms only occasionally and they are always cycle related.

    6. I started getting heartburn when my firm switched to the Keurig coffee makers with the individual coffee pods. It was completely random but the day I brought in my own instant coffee was the day my heartburn disappeared for good. Have you changed anything in your daily routine?

      1. No, not at all. I don’t even drink coffee! I’m eating the same stuff I always have.

    7. I definitely get worse heartburn around my period because of water retention. I have issues with it generally and I find that when I drink more fluids (or am retaining fluids), my reflux is worse. My doctor explained why that happens … basically, when there’s a lot of water in your stomach, the fluid (including your stomach acid) rises up and so that gives you more reflux. (I’d asked him about it because it seemed to me like drinking non-acidic fluids would dilute my system and minimize reflux.)

      Anyway, my point was that when I started making a point to drink more water, my reflux got worse.

      I am prone to it from my family.

      I also want to encourage you — and everyone else — to make sure that you take something for your reflux. It’s bad to have acid on your esophagus, because it burns and then scar tissue builds up, which can cause a lot more problems. I’ve had several family members that have needed procedures to remove that scar tissue. (Painful recovery!) My doctor has really emphasized the importance of treating it; be it with medication or taking a Tums as needed. (Or both.)

      1. I actually drink a TON of water every day (always have). Now that I think about it, I always burp after I take a drink!

    8. That happened to me after taking an antibiotic for a sinus infection. Only time I ever had heartburn in my whole life.

    9. My mom and husband both have this nonsense (GERD) and I don’t think either of them are pregnant. They both take an OTC (omeprazole or the other one) on the advice of their doctor and this has helped significantly.

  26. What happened to our beloved Ellen? Has she found her everlasting love and left us in favor of him? I miss her!

    2. She was helping her Grandma Lay-yeah recover from surgery! PAY ATTENTION!!

  27. I don’t love the peplum, but this otherwise looks like a flattering, pretty, work-appropriate dress.

  28. For the potential SAHM mom from yesterday and the law school grad/new mom who never took the bar from a few weeks ago, here is an initiative to help former SAHP/caregiver to return to a professional job. I’ll post the link to the Fortune article in a follow-up message. It’s a great article so I suggest reading it and bookmarking if you’re going to be a SAHP.

    From The Broadsheet: Return Path offers 20-week paid “returnships” for professionals who have taken time off for caregiving. Now, the company is spinning off the program into a separate nonprofit called Path Forward, which will help other employers put similar mid-career internships in place.

      1. PS: The Broadsheet is a daily compilation from Fortune on issues affecting women in the workforce, plus politics and if you haven’t subscribed already you might check it out.

  29. Any tips for working when you’re getting through a breakup? I worked from home today because I knew I’d be an absolute mess, but I know I shouldn’t do this for the rest of the week. I need ways to keep a good face on, and eat when I feel sick to my stomach and I have no appetite. I’m not ready for my coworkers to know he broke it off.

    1. Don’t worry about eating a ton, just keep hydrated, and eat some crackers and peanut butter, and keep some stomach-calming tea at your desk, like mint or ginger, to sip on all day. If you can dip out early, that might help – I find I’m emotionally strongest first thing in the morning, and as the day goes on, I’m more prone to weepiness.

      It’s hard – I initiated my last breakup, and I still took two days off of work to mope around and cry and binge watch netflix. Having initiated the breakup, I had advance notice to put in for the days off, though, so that helped.

      Give yourself a bit of a pass for the next day or so, and don’t worry about productivity, just make sure you’re doing what needs to be done.

      Hugs.

    2. I’m so sorry! Baconpancakes gives good advice. Although for me I would wake up crying in the morning and get stronger as the day went on.

      I just kept telling myself “the only way out is through,” and putting one foot in front of the other, and putting on my game face.

      Funny story: I remember vividly, before I had told anybody, a friend from another office stuck his head in my doorway and said “SA! You okay?” and I jumped six inches and said “Why? What have you heard?” LOL Turned out he was just making a general inquiry but it freaked. me. out.

    3. I would try a bit of mindfulness, and only focussing on the one thing you need to do next. In the morning, get out of bed. Then shower. Then get dressed. Then eat breakfast. Then drive to work. Etc.

      If you start thinking about your breakup, consciously observe that your mind has wandered, and then shift your attention back to what your task is, without judging yourself. (Teflon Mind)

    4. Do you have one coworker you like/trust, but who also has kind of a big mouth? When my office-mate a few years ago went through a bad break-up, she emailed me, asked me to tell everyone for her and tell them all not to talk about it at all directly to her, and worked from home for a few days while I worked the grapevine. She came back into the office the following Monday, and everyone knew, no one said anything to her, and other than me giving her full control of the office playlist for the week (we usually took turns throughout the day/week), no one said anything until she felt emotionally okay enough to talk about it herself.

      2. I really don’t want people to know. I have one coworker hell-bent on seeing me date a guy in another department, and I’ve never liked him that way, but I worry she’ll see my new single status as his chance to get with me.

    5. Remember too that most people have gone through this themselves and will be very sympathetic and caring of a broken heart.

      I remember being devastated (not eating, not sleeping) for weeks after a breakup that blindsided me, and when I was honest with myself, also very embarrassed and worried that people would somehow judge me for being “at fault” or “not good enough” or stupid for not seeing it coming, or whatever. “Pride, my dear, Pride” my elderly Irish auntie would have chided me, I am sure. I worked with lovely people and not only was there none of that but my sweet, married (male) co-worker kindly told me what I have typed as my first sentence when I confessed I didn’t want anyone else to know. Strangely that gave me more comfort that I would have expected, so I am passing it on to you in hopes it does the same in your case.

      Do cut yourself some slack and be assured there are better things ahead for you than someone who wasn’t meant for you.

  30. I’ve been waiting for the new post, but I figure if I post now that will definitely make the new post go up and I can repost if necessary…

    I got engaged over the weekend! Yay! Boyfriend (fiance!) wants to go ring shopping over the weekend, and I am concerned about not getting a blood diamond. I’ve done a little reading up and I understand it’s best to shop somewhere like Brilliant Earth so you can be sure the diamonds are ethically sourced.

    Problem is, he wants to go to a particular small local jeweler who has been in town forever and I’m not sure is really up on ethical issues. Does anybody have any experience in trying to purchase ethically sourced diamonds from small jewelers? What kinds of questions should we ask and what kinds of answers should we expect?

    Thanks for any feedback you can provide!

    1. I recently got a replacement wedding band (thanks pregnant sausage fingers!) from our local jeweler and she had a great amount of ethically sourced diamonds, primarily Canadian. If you ask and the store has them, they’ll be able to provide you with a ton of information.

      1. Hopefully it will be just that simple and I’m worried for no reason!

    2. DON”T GO TO BRILLIANT EARTH!

      I love their sourcing policies, but their rings DON”T LAST! My wedding band broke into two pieces after <5years. My friend's engagement ring had the stone & setting pop off. My other friend had repeated problems with the rhodium plating coming of her wedding band. In all three cases, BE blamed the problems on *the wearer* despite their so-called warranty.

      In my case, they blamed the broken ring on 'excessive wear' – um, wouldn't your wear a wedding ring every day? – and told me my only option was to buy a new ring – special ordered, since they didn't make my exact style anymore – for $$$$. No thank you! Especially since there was clearly some kind of manufacturer defect to cause a ring to break within a few years. Ultimately, they soldered the ring, once it became perfectly clear that I wan't giving them another red cent, and they told me not to expect the ring to last very long. IT WAS HORRIBLE SERVICE and a horribly upsetting experience. I'm sure there are other places to find ethically sourced gems. Read the Yelp reviews, and avoid Brilliant Earth!

    3. Would you be open to other stones? You could get a gorgeous ring if you were willing to go the non-diamond route, but YMMV

      1. I am curious about non-diamond rings for myself but the appeal of a diamond for me comes from the fact that it won’t clash with anything because it is colorless. Any suggestions?

        1. I don’t really think of engagement rings as clashing. Unless you have a HUGE stone, it’s not large enough to provide much contrast with whatever you’re wearing. You could get another colorless stone such as white sapphire or moissanite. Or you could go with a classic color like a blue sapphire or green emerald.

      2. Yes, I would enjoy a colored stone but I am pretty sure he is set on a diamond and since the ring is more important to him than it is to me, I’m willing to defer…

    4. Regular poster, but anon for this because everyone doesn’t know I’m engaged yet and I’m pretty sure some of my friends read this and know who I am… But consider vintage. Either a completely vintage ring or just a vintage diamond. I have a new setting (in a vintage design), but an old European Cut diamond. I wanted it because I like the look of Old Europeans better than modern round brilliants, but it also solves the blood diamond problem (I mean, sort of. I’m sure diamond miners back in the 1800s were treated like crap, but at least it’s not funding modern conflicts). The trick is these can be hard to find and are sometimes lesser quality/smaller (because a lot of the large old european cuts have been recut into smaller, “better” round brilliants) , but once you start asking people for them, you’d be surprised what you can find. We got our’s from an appraiser who knew a diamond broker and got us a very good price. We found the local jewelry stores either had or could get on loan a handful of old europeans at better prices than the large chains (looking at you, Diamonds Direct). Eagerly waiting to get my ring back from the jeweler that was setting the stone, but I think it’s going to look awesome.

      On brilliant earth, I will say they had some good vintage ring options, but if you can see them in person, it really helps. I found rings look completely different in person than they do online (this was true of everyone’s ring. I found the setting I ended up getting online, and I would never have picked it based on the online picture).

      1. Congratulations on your engagement! Yes, I’ve thought of vintage as well. That may be a good option for us!

    5. Mazel tov on your engagement!

      First, I really do encourage you to work with your local jeweler if possible. A reputable jeweler is a true craftsperson, and you’ll be supporting a self-employed, local business who is way more invested in your goodwill and happiness than any of the chain stores. Ask your local jeweler first whether he or she can source ethical diamonds. Because the market is so controlled, your diamond should come with a certificate of its source and C’s, so if your reputable jeweler can procure an ethical diamond, you should be able to certify it came from a conflict-free mine. If your jeweler can’t get one, ask whether you can bring your own (local jewelers are way more flexible and will likely say yes), and consider a loose diamond from a certified retailer, buying a ring with the right stone and having it completely reset, or even a synthetic diamond, if you’re ok with that.

  31. SCOTUSblog has the Zubik v Burwell transcript up!

    I wish SCOTUS would stream the audio of the oral arguments…

  32. Anyone have any group-therapy-type resources for emotional/compulsive eating to recommend? My therapist has recommended I try to find a support group of some kind as an adjunct to our one-on-one therapy about my food issues, but I’m struggling to find a place that feels like it’ll fit. I definitely have an effed up relationship with food, but it doesn’t rise to the level of “clinical eating disorder,” and I am only slightly overweight (by medical standards), so I don’t qualify for membership in the local hospital- or medical-practice-based support groups.

    So far, the only thing I’ve found is Overeaters Anonymous, which, ummm… I guess I’m struggling to understand how the 12-step framework could possibly be helpful at all for me. Like, make amends to the people I hurt – with eating too many cookies? Do I make amends to my brother for always taking the last Devil Dog in the box when we were 12? Amends to my husband for getting fatter and therefore less enjoyable for him to have s3x with? It just doesn’t feel relevant to my situation (which is, basically, that I have very little control over my eating habits, even though I loathe the way my body looks from eating the way that I do, because ::insert-deep-dark-personal-history-stuff-here::). I have a tendency to intellectualize and isolate, so I guess that’s why therapist is suggesting group stuff, but I’m not really sure what else is out there for someone like me (that is, struggling with disordered eating/body image, but not at a clinically diagnosable level).

    1. This is going to sound cheesy, but it sounds like one person you need to make amends with is yourself. If you loathe the way your body looks, maybe you could channel the effort for that step into apologizing to yourself and then forgiving yourself. I bet there are other people at an OA meeting who also feel that they haven’t really hurt anyone but themselves and would be good to talk to.

      Maybe try a few meetings – a close friend of mine tried out a few different AA meetings until she found one that she felt had the right amount of “Higher Power” devotion. She was initially very put off by the first one she went to which felt too religious for her to be comfortable.

      1. Ugh, you sound like my therapist (which means you’re, very likely, completely right).

        Seriously though, thanks for this – I think I’m very much looking for excuses not to do what my therapist is asking me to do, and this was a good reminder to just try things.

    2. Just go and check a few out. It takes a while to feel comfortable. But whenever I feel like not going to a meeting (of whatever 12 step based recovery program you choose), I remind myself, well, it certainly can’t hurt anything. And I always end up feeling better and less alone afterwards.

    3. Try over eaters anonymous before you knock it. I go to AL anon ( for people who are family of addicts) and find it very helpful. Also , it’s free, so the only cost is your time. At first I did think it was kind of weird, but I am really glad I kept coming back. They say try 6 different meetings ( different times and places) before giving up because different meetings have different personalities.

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