Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cassidy Bootcut Pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

bootcut pants for work limited saleThere are some major sales going on over at The Limited, particularly if you like their pants. Disturbingly, they’re all final sale (I hope they’re not getting rid of their line of basic suiting!), but they all look great as separates, or if you want a second pair or different size to match a jacket you already have. The pictured pants were $79, now marked to $29, take an extra 70% off (!!!) at checkout. Limited sizes only. Cassidy Collection Bootcut Pants

A few other nice selections from the sale: this sweater dress, this striped sheath dress, this fit and flare dress, this textured scuba top, and too many pencil skirts and pants to count.  Note that much of their stuff is washable, and they have petites and tall sizes as well. Note that some pieces are 30% off, and some are 70% off, so pay attention in your cart.

Have you seen our last roundup of machine washable pants for work?

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]



  1. Recovery from gel manicure? :

    I got my first gel manicure and I loved it! Unfortunately, the nail tech who removed my gel manicure *wrecked* my nails. Not knowing what to expect, I should have spoken up when she vigorously filed through the shine, color, and into my nail bed itself, then proceeded to scrape the gel off after not-enough soaking. My nails are now to-the-quick short, and will probably stay that way for a while since they’re also thin and damaged on the bed from where she filed and scraped them away. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, I’m considering having a new gel manicure done, since it will allow my nails 3 – 4 weeks to grow out. Assuming I can find someone to take it off more delicately (or just do it myself), do you think this is a good plan for nail recovery? Other suggestions?

    • I wouldn’t get another one. While you had a particularly bad removal experience, removal is never great – all that soaking in acetone isn’t healthy.

      I’d go with just a nutritious DIY clear coat for now. I think I saw a Sally Hansen product the other day at the grocery store especially marketed to help gel nail recovery. (Maybe a different brand? Can’t remember.) But any of those strengthening products I think would help protect your weak nails for now.

    • Wildkitten :

      I got a Sally Hansen at home gel kit and have been putting just the clear gel on my nails to grow them out. Its been working well for me – am a former nail-biter and I still will pick at my nails if they have regular polish on them. The whole home kit cost as much as one manicure at the salon. That might be an option, if that makes sense with your needs.

    • Wear gloves when doing dishes and dealing with other cleaning solutions? Oil your hands and nails? I don’t know, my nails grow FEROCIOUSLY.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer :

      As someone who hasn’t had bare nails in…many years…I would suggest getting another gel mani! But do not remove it yourself – go to a better nail tech/better nail salon. The only time I removed it myself, I regretted it. I ended up damaging my nails more because I didn’t have the proper tools. My nails are so nice and long, rarely break and always look great.

      A good removal does file into the colour (although not the bed), then soak and then scrape, if necessary. If you had Shellac brand, there shouldn’t even be a need to scrape much. Certainly not vigorously. The other gel mani brands stick on more, meaning they last longer, but are also harder to remove. My nail tech only files the nails after they have been soaked if there is a crazy stubborn spot. Otherwise, she scrapes and sometimes resoaks. Make sure you book time for the removal in your appointment so they aren’t in a rush (removals take 15 mins of an hour appointment) and will do it properly.

    • Japanese manicure.

      • Ooooh what is this?

        • A very delicate and natural manicure that involves nutricious pastes and powders. You can also buy a set/tools and do it yourself. It helped me a lot.

    • I’ve been looking at a salon that offers the IBX system which claims to improve strength of weak or damaged nails. I want to do more research but it might be something to consider.

    • In my experience, I cannot do more than one or two gel manis in a row, no matter how good the removal is–the chemicals are just too harsh and drying. I would do a clearcoat/nutritious polish, as suggested by people above. You don’t need gel-strength. A few coats of a clear normal polish would be better.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      My salon offers a type of gel-like manicure that wears pretty much the same, but doesn’t require the UV light to cure it and can be removed like regular nail polish – I think they call it a shellac manicure. That might be a good way to protect your nails for now without having to go through the removal process again (and honestly, your removal experience sounds pretty much in-line with every gel manicure I’ve ever had – even the crazy expensive one I got for my wedding at the super-fancy-exclusive nail place that I would never normally go to).

    • Same here. I got a gel polish mani before Christmas. About 10 days later, when the gel started lifting from one nail, I picked at it and eventually peeled the polish off all my nails. Wrecked my nails. I tried to just do a strengthening clear coat for a few weeks, but my nails were so weak, they kept breaking above the quick. I finally had to go back and get another gel polish mani. I’ve had 2 more since then and I see that there is healthy growth coming back. I remove the polish at home so I don’t get scrapped to death by the nail tech – saves time at the shop too. I think I’ll only need one maybe, maybe two more manis until I’m back to normal. Lesson learned.

  2. Threadjack, does anyone have any recommendations on helpful recruiters in the Boston area for in-house legal positions? I am looking to transition from litigation at a law firm.

  3. NoVA CPA? :

    Can anyone recommend a CPA in northern Virginia? I normally do my taxes myself, but I sold investment property this year and want a pro to make sure that disposition is handled correctly.

  4. Anonymous :

    Rant alert:

    Dog owners who think it is ok to shampoo/wash your dog in the pool shower….just NO! That is what your bath tub/ shower area is for at home. Just because you don’t want to share your shower with your dog doesn’t mean I want to have dog hair all over the pool shower area!

    • Gross! I get why they do it, but that sounds inconsiderate and unsanitary.

    • What? People are bringing their dog to a public pool (or country club pool?) so they can bathe it? That is cray. Aren’t dogs not even allowed in those areas unless they’re service animals?

      • It is the condo pool area where they wash dogs. Same area you’re supposed to shower before you enter the pool.

        No one even thought dog owners would bathe dogs there, to be honest. But management is now going to send out a circular. These are the same dog owners who don’t pick up dog poo when they walk their dog, so ……we will see if anything changes.

        • Wildkitten :

          Is there a hose in the shower area? I wash my dog in my shower and then hose it down with the handheld showerhead. If your neighbors are thoughtless enough to leave out dog poo they might not stop washing their pooch in the pool shower and you should definitely ask for a hose in the shower so it can be hosed quickly and not have dog hair in it. I know that’s not the best solution, but it might be one that works.

    • I can’t get too worked up over this. It’s a shared shower and a shared pool space, both of which are already pretty gross if you think about it too hard, I don’t think a few dog washes are really a big deal?

      • Clementine :

        As a dog owner, they are a big deal if you don’t clean up after yourself. Presumably, if you can tell people are washing their dogs there, they have left the dog hair and other debris behind without being courteous enough to clean it up.

        As someone who bathes her dog in the shower and then cleans the shower immediately after or pays $10 to use a local self-serve dog wash, this would tick me off… Like people who don’t pick up after their dog! It causes me rage.

      • I also don’t really get it. I give my dog a bath in my shower/tub combo, and the extent of cleaning I do afterward is to turn on the shower head and give the tub a quick water rinse to catch the soap residue from the back half of the tub, where my pup likes to cower. I brush him before the bath so that pulls out any hair. I shed in the tub more than he does!

        • Aunt Jamesina :

          I’ve known a few people who think it’s “gross” to wash their dog in their tub or shower and that it somehow infects your tub with dog cooties or is otherwise unsanitary. No idea what they think the harm will be. You already share your living space with the dog anyway!

        • Honey and Tea :

          Same here. I shed more than the dogs. I only need to rinse the soap out of the tub after washing the dogs.

  5. BostonBetty :

    I just started my day with a 9am phone call from a recruiter for a company that I interviewd with telling me that I did not get the job! I found this strange because in they usually send you a form letter from an anonymous mail address when they want to reject you (assuming that they send you any correspondence whatsoever- I have gone through numerous rounds with some companies that have NEVER gotten back to me). The recruiter told me that they went with another candidate who was a slightly better fit for the job (whose requirements had apparently shifted within the three weeks that I interviewed for the position), but that the people that I interviewed with were impressed, and that we should keep in touch because the organization is rapidly growing. Is she just blowing smoke up my a$$?? Should I bother reaching out to the hiring managers, keep in touch with them, and ask if I could send a LinkedIn invite?

    • Wildkitten :

      The recruiter gets paid when you get hired so I think it makes sense that she wants to keep you in her network for the next position she sees. You can email the hiring managers and tell them you enjoyed interviewing and are interested in any other positions that might open up in the future. I would not send a LinkedIn invite to people I interviewed with though.

    • My experience is that despite expressed good intentions, they can still forget about you.
      Connect with the recruiter on LinkedIn, and let her know by email that you would like to be considered for future openings. Monitor new job postings on the company website and if you see anything of interest, ping the recruiter (or the hiring manager, but only if you are certain that it’s the same unit).

    • I think it’s actually good that they took the time to tell you they went with another candidate. A form letter or e-mail makes sense when someone just applied, but I like that they actually talk to the people they interviewed.

      It is totally possible they just felt the other candidate was stronger. I’ve seen this a bunch of times, where the interview panel likes two people but they have to vote for one or the other – they can’t hire both! I would keep in touch with the company, to a reasonable degree. Follow them on LinkedIn, connect with the recruiter and the hiring manager you spoke with, and when you see another job at that company, tell the recruiter you’re interested in that role, they probably still have your information on file and they can just move it to the right requisition in their applicant tracking system.

    • Sympathy that I’ve had two in-house interviews recently where I was rejected by a telephone call from the hiring manager or HR person handling the search. I think it’s good intentions, but if it’s bad news (particularly if I haven’t heard anything for several weeks so assume the decision has been made already!) I’d just as soon get a short, personal email.

    • This happened to me (recruiter said they didn’t go with me but that the company was impressed) and the company had another opening within months, and the company reached out to me and offered me the position.

      • Senior Attorney :

        This has happened to me, too. I got a rejection letter saying “we want you to know you were at the very top of our list and we will keep your resume on file,” and lo and behold they called me a few months later to interview for another position, which they ended up offering me.

  6. I live in the south and work at a very conservative law firm in an area with very conservative judges and courts. The dress code is suits for everyone, black, grey or navy with white shirts. Women must wear hose if they are wearing a skirt and hair is always worn up if it is long enough. Men wear ties that are neutral and muted, so no loud colors.

    I am vacationing in Ontario because I have family there. My cousin’s fiancée is a paralegal. She is also a prosecutor in the municipal courts there. She mostly handles traffic and parking matters. My cousin took me to go see her at work and it was like a completely different world.

    In Canada judges, justices of the peace, court reporters and lawyer have to wear black robes and white collars in court. In her court lawyers and prosecutors do not. Her and her colleagues wear bare legs and sleeveless dresses or dresses with straps to court. Men wear dress pants and collared shirts or golf shirts but no ties. Court reporters and justices of the peace dress the same under their robes. When court is not in session everyone (prosecutors, defense lawyers and paralegals, court reporters and justices of the peace) call each other by their first names or nicknames and joke around and are very informal. One lawyer came to court in running shoes because he had just came from the gym. Everyone also drinks coffee and smoothies in court and no one cares.

    Everyone was really nice when I met them but it felt so weird that everything was so informal. It was interesting to see how court was done in a different place though. It’s also nice that there will be another legal person in the family.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer :

      Ah yes, provincial offences court. It’s another world for most of us Canadian litigators! Very casual and informal – in a small town courthouse I worked at there were a stash of old suit jackets in the prosecutor’s office that any lawyer could take if they were dressed too casually.

      But unfortunately, the rest of the Canadian court system is pretty formal. We usually wear robes (with waistcoat and tabs), black skirt or pants and black shoes. If its not an appearance where you have to robe, we are wearing formal suits. I honestly prefer robes, it makes things so much easier!

      • lawsuited :

        To add some context to this, provincial offences court deals primarily with traffic offences. As an articling student I did a few provincial offences court appearances, and in the mid-size Ontario city I was in, a full suit or nice separates were the norm for everyone – no sundresses and running shoes in sight.

        As a lawyer, I spend most of my time in superior court (which is actually the lowest court for criminal, family and civil matters) and I’m required to wear black or grey-striped pants/skirt, black shoes, a white shirt and tabs, black waistcoat and a robe when appearing in court. It’s as far from informal as you can get. I have heard of judges refusing to “see” you if you are not properly attired. When I’m appearing before a judge in chambers, the norm is to wear a full suit.

    • Provincial courts don’t require lawyers to wear court clothes but Superior/Supreme/Appeal Courts do. Court clothes are black suits/shoes + white shirts+ tabs for chambers, add robe for hearings. I don’t think there’s a specific requirement one way or the other on pantyhose. Black tights with skirt suits are often worn in the winter. No requirement for women to wear skirt suits.

      I find that how strict a Provincial Court will be on dress varies significantly based on the Chief Judge. In my province, suits or dress with cardigan would be standard. I don’t think I’ve ever seen counsel in sleeveless dresses or running shoes or a male lawyer without a suit blazer on. I have possibly seen a male lawyer without a tie but I can’t recall specifically. Court on the weekend for bail hearings is sometimes more casual as the duty judge may be on the phone and everyone is not always in the same room.

    • Just want to point out that it’s 2016 and no one can make you wear hose or wear your hair up.

      • Employment Lawyer :

        Not true. An employer cannot have gender segregating standards but it is perfectly acceptable for an employer to say no bare legs and no hair hanging below the chin. They can even say no blue shirts if they want. In many jobs, hair hanging down is a safety risk which is why it is a common requirement to wear it back or up. I understand the safety risk isn’t there in a legal job but as long as men and women are required to keep hair back/up the rule passes muster. They can’t prohibit her from wearing pants though. No bare legs is antiquated but not illegal.

      • No, they can’t make you. But judges can take it out on your client if they’re so inclined.

      • Actually, in a way, if you get discriminated against or treated differently by a judge because you’re not fitting in, you probably should do what you need to do to fit in.

    • Yeah, check out a Superior Court/Court of Queen’s Bench, or Court of Appeal sometime. Then tell me again how informal our system is.

      This post reads as “oh, look at the cute little Canadians with their running shoes in court, how quaint”, which irks me.

      You visited one small court room, that deals with minor matters, and you suddenly have enough knowledge of our system to say “how court works in Canada”? Thanks for letting the world know that your one visit was enough to explain the entirety of our court procedures!

      • I’m sorry you felt that I being disparaging or dismissive towards the Canadian court system. That wasn’t my intention at all.

        In my post I made sure to clarify that her court was different from other Canadian courts where lawyers and prosecutors had to wear robes. I also stated that everyone I met was nice. I never called her court “minor” or “quaint” either. It was simply a different court experience than what I am used to.

        Apologies again for any offense.

        • I honestly think this is fake, there is not a single city in Ontario (currently) without snow, assuming this is a current visit as the post states no one in their right mind would be wearing sneakers or a sleeveless dress.

          • Yes, that is what baffled me, too. I wouldn’t wear anything sleeveless or with bare legs here in the US in the winter, let alone in Canada!

    • You’re comparing Canadian traffic court to U.S. federal district and appellate courts? I’m not Canadian — but this sounds a bit off. Have you been in traffic court in the U.S.? I have been to one and there was no bench — it was a judge in jeans who put on his robe when he walked in and sat down at what can only be described as a cafeteria lunch table.

    • Ha, interesting. Traffic is definitely the least formal level of court – in my jurisdiction, there are jps instead of judges, and a large number of defendants are self-reps or represented by agents (ie not lawyers). A lot of the agents still wear suits (although they might not be the sharpest suits going), and all the lawyers do, or at least a dress + blazer. You also see the occasional lawyer at family or dependent adults docket who is dressed in a more, uh, unique or comfortable style (cardigan instead of a jacket, no tie, bolder prints/textures/shapes). But never running shoes, or as I’ve read on this board from American contexts, leggings and Uggs. :)

      Otherwise, always suits (although not quite as strictly defined as in your experience) unless you have to robe. No one drinks or eats in court – I’ve seen a lawyer get smacked by a judge for trying to run in for a docket appearance with his Starbucks cup still in hand. It is true that certain elements of the bar can be chummy when off the record. Provincial Court criminal is like that. It makes sense – they are constantly working with each other to do deals. No one would call a judge by his or her first name inside the courtroom though.

      I think the exact level of formality really varies by jurisdiction and court, but the general rule is that lawyers always wear suits or robes, and there’s no eating or drinking in court.

    • What god awful place do you live in where women can’t even wear their hair down so I can avoid it?

  7. Where did you go for your honeymoon, and about how much did the whole thing (accommodations, food, getting there, excursions, etc) cost you? Did your honeymoon travel differ at all from whatever travel you typically do (either in extravagance, time, location, etc)?

    • Dubrovnik and Hvar, Croatia. Loved it and would highly recommend it.

      We were on a budget, and paid about $3000-4000 for it- $1200 plane tickets, stayed in nice but not expensive places and loved all of it.

      It was different in that we really just enjoyed each other and didn’t keep tabs on home or work or family.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      We went to Australia (Sydney and up near the Great Barrier Reef). I think it was around $3500-4000. We were able to pay for our flights and a bunch of hotel nights with points and miles.

      It was amazing and I totally recommend it. It was similar to our travel we do in Europe staying at a mix of expensive and cheaper places, moving around a fair amount, and having some very specific bigger ticket items to do (boat tour with snorkeling, going somewhere I could hold a koala and feed kangaroos, and hiring a driver to take us around the tablelands for 2 days). We can’t wait to go back.

      • My fiance and I are thinking of doing this. We want to go somewhere far away that we probably wouldn’t want to do with kids or in retirement. How far in advance did you book your trip? Did you go through a travel agent? Is it feasible to do both Australia and New Zealand in 2 weeks?

        • Sydney Bristow :

          We booked in early May for our early July trip. We had basically given up because we didn’t have enough miles but then the cheaper awards opened up when we looked one more time before we were going to book tickets to Hawaii.

          We were there for about 1.5 weeks. It didn’t feel rushed to do 2 regions (3 cities/towns) that were a ~3 hour flight apart. I think going to one place in Australia and 1 place in NZ would be doable. Trying to squeeze in much more than that might feel rushed.

          I hope it works out for you! Australia is definitely my favorite place in the world now.

          • Sydney Bristow :

            Oh and we didn’t use a travel agent. My husband did a lot of research to pick the specific places we went. He really likes doing that. I picked all the hotels we stayed at with award points since it was already narrowed down.

        • Not Sydney, but I think Aus + NZ in two weeks is too hard. Both countries have SO much stuff to see, Australia is geographically huge, and unless you are just hitting the major cities, transit is going to take a lot of time. My family went when I was a kid (I actually think it’s an awesome destination for kids, although bringing kids certainly makes an already expensive place even more expensive). We spent 3 weeks and saw both countries and honestly it felt super rushed. I hope to go back some day, and spend 2 weeks in each country, which I think would be the correct pacing.

    • Maui, from the east coast of the US. way more than we would normally spend on a vacation: nicer resort, fancy dinners every night, rented a convertible, paid for tons of excursions, drank a bazillion $12 piña coladas in the hotel pool. I think we ended up spending about $8k and it was worth every penny. Amazing, amazing trip.

    • We stayed in a relative’s beach house on the Outer Banks, so accommodations were free (yay!). Flights were around $600 total, and we got a rental car for another couple hundred. We took advantage of the beach house offer because it freed up more money for us to “do” stuff. Lots of cruises, visiting museums/attractions, some shopping, lots of restaurants, we got a massage, etc. We went to the grocery store to get stuff for most breakfasts home, snacks, and a couple nice dinners, but ate out probably half our meals. Our main alternative budget-wise would have been an all-inclusive, and it seemed like most of those were beach heavy, and I wanted beach as an option, not the main thing to do. I would estimate maybe $600 on activities, and probably $500-$600 on food, but that’s a guess. So around $2000? Although that seems lower than I remember, so I might be forgetting things.

    • We spent almost 2 weeks in Greece (Athens, Santorini, Mykonos). I didn’t keep a strict budget but I’d guess it was around $7,000-$8,000. Our plane tickets were $2,700 (for 2), our hotels averaged around $250 a night times 12 nights is $3K, and then figure $1,500-$2,000 for food, incidentals and inter-country travel.

      At the time I had been in Big Law less than a year and it was my first vacation since getting a real paycheck (I was in school and unemployed previously) so it was the first time I ever traveled on my own dime without sticking to a very, very strict budget. My husband’s and my previous trips together had been driving vacations and one very budget trip to Hawaii (we got $300 roundtrip tix from CA and stayed in a motel) so this was definitely a big step up in fanciness. Since then, we regularly spend that much on travel, so this was sort of the first splurge-y vacation but not the last.

      We both loved our honeymoon. Greece was perfect – so romantic and the perfect mix of things to do and much-needed relaxation after the wedding.

    • Cabo, all-inclusive, 5 star, adult only hotel for 14 days. It was glorious and so very different from what I’d consider “us.” We are active, like exploring, typically get bored easily, but sitting on the beach, being waited on hand-and-foot for two weeks was freaking incredible.

      Total cost was somewhere around $7k? By chance we benefited from some huge discount they were having since we were married and honeymooned in the “off season” We probably spent another $1k while there on massages/spa and other extras, and tips for the service.

      • Also, $7k includes two expensive plane tickets ($1,750?) – we had a long distance to travel.

    • We stayed at my dad’s time share in Cozumel all-inclusive resort. I think we bought our own plane tickets, which were probably $300 or so each, and we decided to upgrade to the “adults only” section of the resort a few days into our stay and paid a couple hundred for that, ourselves. I’m pretty sure my dad gifted us the normal timeshare fees, but I don’t remember.

      We did a lot of scuba diving (that was the expensive part), lounged on the beach, went to the cheesy shows, and made friends with some other couples. It’s not anywhere we would have specifically chosen to go as a special event, and less than we’ve spent on a lot of vacations before and since, but it was relaxing and we had fun.

    • Marshmallow :

      Our honeymoon was partially gifted to us by my ILs, but I think the entire thing, including the gift portion, cost about $2500-3000. We did a Royal Carribbean cruise to Bermuda, St. Martin, Puerto Rico, and Haiti. Honestly I was a little disappointed– I loved our ports of call but the ship seemed kind of cheesy. We did a few really great outings: swimming with dolphins was unforgettable, and we took a lovely kayak tour of the village near the resort in Haiti. The ship reminded me a bit of Disney World (not a Disney fan– too many people, too much quantity of food without enough quality), but we never would have gotten to so many different destinations without doing a cruise, so it was still a great experience.

      We had only ever taken domestic, driving-distance vacations before, so this was more elaborate than either of us is used to. I’m a junior Biglaw associate so it was the first and only time I had checked out of work so completely. That was totally worth it, especially because we had very limited phone and internet service.

    • We went to Turks and Caicos, and it cost about $5,000. My in laws very, very graciously gave that to us as our wedding gift. DH planned the entire trip and did a fantastic job. We started in Parrot Cay, which is a very secluded part of T&C with only one place to stay. There were several different restaurants at the resort, and the whole place was very spa-like– emphasis on quiet and relaxation, delicious but light and healthy foods, very clean and minimalist. We had a couples massage here. We spent the second half at a beautiful resort in the much busier Providenciales, with lots of activities, music everywhere, and a very “island life” atmosphere.

      It was very different from any vacation I’ve taken in that it was ten days long (sigh, what a luxury that seems now) and was much calmer and fancier. That was three years ago, and since then we did a trip to Italy (also amazing), but it was much more activity and sightseeing-based, which is similar to what we usually do for domestic/long weekend trips. I adored my honeymoon but don’t know if I’ll ever again go on such a long, fancy trip where the main focus is relaxing. For other travel, there is so much of the world to see that we’ll probably be more active and less beach cabana-y. But for a honeymoon, it was a dream.

      • I’d really like to hear more about your time in T&C, since that’s where I’m beginning to plan my honeymoon. Parrot Cay looks dreamy. What type of room would you recommend, and how expensive was the food? Also, where did you stay on Providenciales, and would you recommend it?

        • You will love T&C! At Parrot Cay, we had an upstairs room where you could mostly see the ocean but also a lot of “garden,” so I’m not sure if they classified it as an ocean view or a garden view. It was nice to be elevated and have a little balcony, but I think any room there would be fine, unless you plan to spend a lot of time in the room (we didn’t). Our room was very simple.

          I believe the food was average $30/entree, depending which restaurant. The Terrace is Italian and is a little more expensive. There’s a more casual one down by the pool. Their menus are all on their website if you’d like a better idea of cost. When you book, mention to them that it’s your honeymoon– they had us a little welcome basket of fruit and a bottle of champagne, and they left us a sweet congratulatory note (I kept it, ha). Maybe they do that for everyone, but I still felt special.

          There are little individual cabanas further down the beach that we almost didn’t find until our last day there– super adorable for snuggling with a new spouse. Make sure you look for them!

          On Provo, we stayed at the Regent Palms. I thought it was lovely and would recommend it. We started with a little first floor room (which was perfectly fine), but when we checked in, they asked if it was our honeymoon, and the next day they had upgraded us to an unbelievable top floor suite with an amazing balcony. At the Regent Palm, when you check in, you’re in this open-air marble columned breezeway, and someone brings you this refreshing citrus drink thing (now that I think of it, there was also a welcome drink at Parrot Cay), and you sit on a tufted chaise while they tap on the computer for a few minutes… it’s very grand. That said, I think there are a handful of similar resorts on Provo that are probably great as well.

          While on Provo, we did a snorkeling trip– SUPER fun, and they take you to a spot where you can dive for conch. Then the guide takes the conch and makes ceviche, and you keep the shell. DH caught me one whose shell is proudly displayed at home. We also went parasailing there; there are lots of little day excursion companies up and down the beach.

          Thanks for giving me a reason to relive this awesome trip!

      • We also went to T&C but with a different approach. We spent about $3500-4000 for a week. We used points for our airline tickets. We stayed at Le Vele in Grace Bay, and because it was the off-season (first week of June), we had a deal for a beautiful 1-br condo that worked out to about $250/night. We were living in a studio in NYC at the time, and the 1100-sq-ft condo felt like a mansion. We bought some basic groceries and wine at the grocery store when we arrived (using some old Travelers Checks my mom found while cleaning out my closet at home). Then we spent the rest of our money going out to fancy restaurants for dinner, snorkeling, and horseback riding. Grace Bay was beautiful, the food was delicious, the snorkeling is amazing, and it was not at all crowded in June. I will admit that it’s pretty hot that time of year, and mosquitoes were a bit of an issue whenever we were away from the beach.

      • Minnie Beebe :

        Turks & Caicos is AMAZING. The most gorgeous beaches in the world – it really is as beautiful as the pictures make it out to be. DH and I went last summer, with our then 4.5 yr old son, so the trip was a wee bit different than a honeymoon, but still wonderful. It is expensive though, especially food, so consider yourselves warned (I think a loaf of regular bread at the grocery was $8.) We were at a family-friendly resort on Grace Bay (Seven Stars.) We didn’t really do anything interesting there, just swam in the ocean and pool, ate, drank, played bocce. But it was probably my favorite vacation ever, because it was so chill.

    • Driving tour of France/Germany (the rhine)/northern Austria, 12(?) days. Spent about $5-6k, this was including plane tix that cost $1400 for the pair. We didn’t stay at the fanciest hotels, but did eat well.

    • We chose Morocco because we didn’t think we’d ever get back there. Spent about $5K. It was wonderful. If I did it again, I would either go for longer or visit fewer cities. We moved cities every 2 days or so, so it was a lot of shuttling around. That said, we booked through a travel agent and sprung for our own private driver, so we didn’t have to deal with buses or driving ourselves.

    • lucy stone :

      Alaskan cruise in a balcony room, one night in Vancouver beforehand. We spent about $6000 if you throw in everything which was worth every damn penny. We went back each of the next two years and will go back in the future. It was totally unlike our previous vacations and we absolutely loved it.

      • Alaska is one of my favorite places ever. I feel like I could go there every year for the rest of my life and never see everything there is to see. I also think it’s super romantic, although not as traditional for a honeymoon as a beachy place or Europe.

        • lucy stone :

          It is the best! I want to go back in winter sometime as well. It’s my dream to move there. My husband hates the beach and being hot, and he went all over Europe in college, so we picked Alaska because it was somewhere we’d both be going for the first time.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        I really want to do this but my husband hates cruises. My stepmom has been talking about going for a family vacation for years so hopefully that will happen. Otherwise I’ll have to recruit a friend to go with me.

        • I’ll go with you!! hahah

        • FWIW, I think Alaska cruises are way less cheesy and Disney-esque than Caribbean and Mexican cruises. I am not a big fan of cruising either, but loved our Alaska cruise. There were way less kids in Alaska than on other cruises I’ve done and we went in July. You could avoid kids even more by going in May or September when schools are in session. There are also Nat Geo expedition boats that do something similar to a cruise but in a much smaller, more nature-focused environment (way more $$$ but they look amazing).

          • Anonymous :

            I kind of hate Caribbean cruises. The European and trans-Atlantic ones I’ve been on were great, though. Alaska is definitely, definitely my next cruise destination. Preferably with another few days tacked on the end to enjoy more shore time.

        • lucy stone :

          We’ve only been on Alaskan cruises but we looooooved them (obviously since we went 3x). There aren’t a ton of kids and it really isn’t cheesy. We spent our days off the ship hiking and staring at the gorgeous scenery, and our time on ship eating and drinking amazing food, relaxing in the hot tub while staring at the gorgeous scenery, sitting on the balcony, and enjoying being unreachable by phone!

      • To add a counterpoint, I went on an Alaskan cruise and hated it. We were at least 40 years younger than the average age, there was nothing to see at the ports except for t-shirt shops owned by the cruise lines, it was too cold and windy to be out on the deck, and I disliked the small rooms, cheesy entertainment, and the sameness of the food (no ethnic foods, just bland stuff like salmon or Salisbury steak I went on one boat excursion and saw the tail of a whale, but seriously, you’ve seen one glacier, you’ve seen them all and I’d much rather be next to a pool at any resort instead of being stuck on a boat that keeps rocking back and forth. AND, I felt weird knowing that all of the works on the ship were foreigners making way less than minimum wage (since they are in international waters, they are not subject to U.S. minimum wage laws) who were working and living on the cruise ship for the entire summer to send money back home to their families. I’m still trying to think of a positive aspect of that trip…

    • Got married in October, honeymooned the following July. Norwegian Cruise to Bermuda — 7 days. $3,500 total, not including extras (probably another $800 with excursions, souvenirs, etc.) Booked a balcony room, and it was so relaxing.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      We got married in mid-August, and honeymooned in Hawaii, specifically the Big Island, for about 8 days (the most we could manage to take, since I was in a clerkship and we got married on a Saturday). It was basically the luxury version of our usual travel style – we stayed on the private preferred floor in the fancy resort instead of in a regular room in a regular hotel, we booked private tours and private guides for the stuff we wanted to see and do instead of DIY-ing it or going on cheaper group excursions, and we indulged in a lot of really nice meals and really delicious drinks.

      We booked through Costco Travel, and probably spent about $6K total with food/tours/etc. factored in. The Big Island was perfect for us – there was enough to do that we got to go out and feel like we did some good and interesting sight seeing (hiking the volcano was the best!), but there wasn’t so much to do that we felt guilty about the days we spent just hanging around the resort (and the resort had great snorkeling, so even on the days we “did nothing,” we actually snorkeled with sea turtles and stuff).

      If you’re not planning to travel in hurricane season like we were, we took a similarly-priced trip to Jamaica and stayed at a Secrets resort last year, and it was easily as or more romantic than our honeymoon, so if you’re more of a “sit at the pool with a frozen drink” type, I’d recommend that as well.

    • Double-Bingo :

      We went to Bonaire (near Aruba), for scuba diving. It was actually a year after the wedding, after I took the bar exam. 17 days, all in it was about $7,000. We went low-end, rented an apartment rather than staying at resort, mostly cooked for ourselves, and only dove and had a rental car half the time we were there. It definitely felt like a splurge because we’d been very frugal while I was in school. We actually went back recently and spent about the same amount on a 7 day stay, which was much fancier, though we still mostly cooked because that’s our style.

      I highly recommend scuba diving as a couples activity – the joke goes that it’s great to do with your spouse because they can’t talk to you. But in reality, it involves a lot of nonverbal communication and trust which I think is pretty romantic.

      • If you trust your spouse that is… ;) scuba diving on a honeymoon always makes me think of that Deadly Honeymoon lifetime movie about the (real) guy who killed his wife while they were scuba diving on their honeymoon. (Jokes aside, I have heard amazing things about Bonaire!)

        • Double-Bingo :

          DH and I make all sorts of jokes about how easy it would be to kill each other while diving. I did actually get freaked out on a night dive once and bolt for the boat without him, but we were with a big group so I knew he’d be ok :).

          Bonaire is hands-down the best diving I’ve experienced (though I haven’t been to the Pacific) because, in addition to being gorgeous, it’s almost all independent shore diving, where you go on your own schedule and pick your own sites.

          • Anonymous :

            Do you know anything about the snorkeling in Bonaire? I don’t dive (have asthma and am also too paranoid about getting the bends) but I love to snorkel and am always looking for new places to go.

      • My husband and I love scuba diving. The first time we went together, we were with a few other people. One of them looked just like him underwater, and apparently I ran my fingers through his hair and a couple of other similar things and kept wondering why he was always swimming away from me. Then I saw rando and DH kind of near each other and figured it out……

    • Oil in Houston :

      We definitely didn’t do our usual vacationing for honeymoon, think more trip of a lifetime. We went to Bora Bora and then 3 other islands around Tahiti, we went for 3 weeks and it cost about $12k including activities, half was paid by guests through our wedding list. We stayed in an overwater bungalow once, but offset the cost of that by staying in a B&B another place, and then mostly 4 star hotels. it was amazing!

      • I’m curious where else you went in Tahiti and what you thought of it. We did Bora Bora and Moorea as a milestone anniversary trip. I thought Bora Bora was a spectacular paradise that was worth every single one of the many pennies it cost, and Moorea was lovely and beautiful but not really different enough from Hawaii (esp. Kauai) to justify the significantly higher cost (unless you’re a huge snorkeler or diver, because the sea life is quite different). If we ever get back to Tahiti we will certainly return to Bora Bora and also visit another island or two, but I have no idea which ones we should visit.

        • I always thought Bora Bora and/or Tahiti would be great honeymoon destinations, but my SO went there on his first honeymoon and was bored the whole time because apparently there’s nothing to do (I would be totally fine with just lying on a beach, he would not!), so I don’t think this is in my future!

          • I get that beach vacations are not for everyone, but I didn’t think there was nothing to do in Bora Bora! Our hotel had free non-motorized water sports available including kayaks, sailboats, and stand-up paddle boards, available to borrow. They also had beach volleyball and badminton. The snorkeling at our hotel was great and they provided free equipment. We paid to take a jeep tour of the island and a snorkeling excursion with sharks and sting rays. Renting jet skis is also a common activity. I would say Tahiti has more stuff to do than most parts of the Caribbean, but maybe a little less than Hawaii. There is less hiking and less cultural stuff than Hawaii for sure, and definitely less of a restaurant scene. But I was not bored at all and I am a pretty active traveler (I like to sit by the pool and read a book from time to time, but definitely couldn’t do that all day every day for a week).

        • Oil in Houston :

          hi, it is true that it’s all about the beach, or kayaking, or jet skying. My husband gets bored after 2 hours on a beach, and loved our trip.
          we went to :
          Tahiti, Papeete is a busy small town, so fun for an evening to transition in/out, and the inside of the island is spectacular, we spent about a day with a driver going around the inside valley
          Moorea (agree with you), we did horseriding, and it’s the only island we rented a car for
          Tahaa, the highlight of the trip for me. we stayed at a small boutique hotel, 9 bungalows on 9 acres of island, it felt really special and food was amazing. we did lots of kayaking there. We also went to the main island, and had an amazing tour with a local guide who took us through all the native plants and how it’s being used by the natives. It was fascinating.
          Bora Bora, I think [email protected] described that well
          Tikehau, I recommend going to an atoll, this is unlike anything else, and it was amazing to essentially kayak to what was our own private island. very Robinson Crusoe like!

          there are over 300 island I think in French Polynesia, and each is a bit different to the next, some are big, some small. So it really depends on what you are looking for!

    • We went on a long honeymoon before our wedding since we had a break between job changes. Went to Paris for a week (rented a cheap apartment) via an extended layover and then Rwanda to visit friends there. Hopped over to Uganda briefly while in Rwanda.

      It differed in normal way from our usual travel only because then we were both much more backpacker travelers vs rent apartment in big city travelers. But I wanted to go to Paris for part of my “honeymoon”, and be cheesy romantic so we did. I’m not sure of cost – we traveled for about 4 weeks and there was international airfare in there. But we are frugal travelers and had no accommodation/transportation costs for part of it.

    • Edna Mazur :

      Small town on Lake Superior about a days drive from where we got married. Probably spent less than $750 total. It was a lot of fun, very relaxing, and within our budget at the time.

      Just wanted to put this out there for anyone else that had a lovely, but inexpensive honeymoon :)

      • Anonymous :

        My in-laws honeymooned in Bar Harbor and Acadia, which I think is an absolutely perfect honeymoon spot (I got married in that area so I am a little biased though). They were living in New England at the time, so they drove there, and then they camped while they were there so I think it was super affordable. You definitely don’t have to spend a ton of money to have a fantastic honeymoon.

    • Honeymooner :

      Cartagena and Medellin, Colombia – $6000 – such a pleasantly short flight from the US. Stayed in the swankiest, most expensive places, because it was $200 a night. You can really live like a sultan if you look for a place with a favorable exchange rate.

    • We went around the world. Japan, HK, Paris, Kenya and an island in the Indian Ocean. Spent almost $40k but half of that was in first class air tickets. Ouch. It was awesome but we may have gone a bit overboard.

    • Anonymous :

      2 weeks in France and Italy for total $4000. Paid for transatlantic flights in points. Spent $2300 on Airbnbs and transport from city to city. We spent the other $1700 on a number of baller dinners as well as some nights in Rome where we spent 20 euros on a delicious pizza and a carafe of the house red.

      The only thing different from our normal travel was that we took 2 weeks instead of 1 week. We travel a lot, so blowing it out would have just meant our travel budget was smaller for the rest of the year and we opted for more trips rather than just one really high-end trip.

    • Spain– we’re going in two weeks! $8,000, though I expect we’ll end up spending a little more since I don’t think we’ve budgeted enough for at least a couple really nice dinners. Barcelona, Madrid, Seville, Ronda, and Granada, for 2 weeks. Mostly AirBNBs (with balconies and beautiful views).

  8. DH and I are taking a 3-4 night trip to Vegas in mid-April. We’ve both been multiple times mostly because we enjoy the shows and dining. Looking for recommendations of favorite shows (Cirque, concert, comedy, etc) and restaurants we should try out. Prefer to stay on the Strip. No budget. If you recommend a restaurant, could you also say if you think it would require reservations ahead of time. Thanks!

    • I’m not generally a huge Cirque show person, but the burlesque Cirque show at the tent outside Caesar’s Palace was incredibly entertaining. Much smaller, more intimate, and more impressive that way. Of course, I can’t remember the name now…

      • I wasn’t a huge fan of the burlesque Cirque, but it was at the New York hotel when I saw it, so maybe they changed the show. I really enjoyed Ka at the MGM Grand.

        • I disliked the burlesque Cirque show at the New York hotel – I think the one outside of Cesear’s Palace is completely different and supposed to be better, but it was sold out on the night I wanted to go so check in advance.

          • I’ve been to the burlesque Cirque show and have friends who went to the one at Cesear’s. I think these are “know your own sense of humor” type shows. If you like fairly explicit raunchy humor (think South Park, Sarah Silverman, etc.) you might love it, but if you don’t I’d look for a different show.

      • Constant Reader :

        Absinthe in the show outside of Caeser’s in the tent. Definitely a show with very explicit and raunchy humor as poster below said. If you don’t like un-PC humor do not go! They spare no one and will pick on members of the audience (to participate in the show and to make jokes about). My best friend and I sat in the front row and got picked on for sure. We enjoyed the show but it is definitely a YMMV type of show…

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I loved O (and want to go see it again from a different vantage point) and hated the Criss Angel one called Believe.

    • Picasso is by far the best restaurant I’ve been to in Vegas and one of the best I’ve been to period, if you’re looking for fancy. A bit less spendy: I loved Wicked Spoon buffet at the Cosmo (and I am NOT a buffet person); also recommend Bouchon, Mon Ami Gabi, and Scarpetta. I think all those places except the buffet take reservations and I would recommend them (but my philosophy is to always make reservations when possible; I hate waiting).

      • Second Picasso. The wine pairing was amazing (and generous) too. If you make the reservation now, you can request a table overlooking the fountains.

      • LOVED Picasso. Just got back from vegas actually. Wicked Spoon was fun but not the best most amazing food. I thought China Poblano was good too. Skip L’Atelier de joel robuchon if second hand smoke gets to you–there is no door and so I felt nauseous half way through dinner because I felt like I was siting in a gigantic ashtray. Didn’t try his namesake restaurant, which does have a door, but I don’t know that I would given the walk through MGM (which I hated).

        I’ve been Carbonne in NYC which is solid Italian.

        If you’re willing to uber off the strip, I really enjoyed Raku and save space for dessert at their sister dessert spot in the same strip mall. There’s also a great Korean spot, Gangnam something.

    • lucy stone :

      I was there for a work conference and we stayed at the Rio, don’t stay there. We ate at Andrea’s the same night we saw La Reve and that was enjoyable – if you go, get the shishito peppers.

    • Senior Attorney :

      My favorite show by far is The Beatles Love show by Cirque du Soleil. I think it’s at the Mirage. O is great too but more similar to the other Cirque shows — I found Love to be really different and awesome.

    • Shopaholic :

      I loved Scarpetta – the food was so good.

      For shows, I really liked the Beatles Show, the Michael Jackson Show (One I think it’s called) and the Cirque Show at the Aria (I can’t remember the name right now. I also really liked La Reve .

    • La Reve at the Wynn is incredible. The Wynn properties overall are very nice.

    • Anonymous :

      -Stayed at the Wynn–LOVED it. Gorgeous on the inside, not as slimy-person-feeling as Cosmopolitan.
      -When you’re tired of fancy food, go to Capriotti’s sub shop. You won’t regret it.

    • The Rock of Ages show at the Venetian is really fun, and I say that as one who wasn’t super into the music genre.

      If you like real cocktails, Herbs n Rye off the strip.

  9. Double-Bingo :

    I thought this would be a threadjack, and what do you know – a post about pants. I realized this morning that I have FOUR pairs of gray suiting pants, and I am not willing to wear a single one of them out of the house. They all have some sort of weird fit/cut issue, including what feels like bizarrely wide, flappy legs. After trying on each pair, I sighed and went back to my Express Editor Barely Boot favorites (in camel, because when I bought them I was trying to branch out from gray). Are the featured pants a suiting fabric, or more like Express pants? Anyone know of a brand that has a cut like the Express Editor Barely Boot, but in a suiting fabric? Should I just give up and get my favorite in every color? They’re fine for my business casual office, but sometimes I like to step it up.

    • Letting go of four pairs would be hard for me(HATE pants shopping). Have you thought of altering one/all of them?

      In my extremely low cost of living-area, a tailor/cleaning salon-type business would do this for ~20$. If you show them a pair that you like the fit of, it can often be done easily.

      I had a pair of cheap pants(low risk if you mess up!But the same is true for expensive pants that have no value to you since you don’t wear them) and even did it myself, having only basic sewing machine experience. I used some tutorials from this website, but there are hundreds out there:

      Lastly, a friend or relative might have the neccesary skills, but in that case I would request it as something like a birthday gift from my mom, or in exchange for another favor, so that they don’t feel used.

    • AnotherAnon :

      +1 to Anonymous @ 10:59AM’s suggestion to have them tailored. I have a pair of these Cassidy pants (which I hate, btw – crotch is like 12 inches long, without exaggeration) that I’m planning to have altered. You may not have time for this, but another suggestion would be to check consignment, thrift, Goodwill stores for gently worn Express Editor Barely Boot pants or just something of good quality and similar style. I’ve stumbled upon many great pants this way. Good luck!

    • If the pants fit, get them in every color and toss the ones you never wear. Especially if your office is business casual, much easier to sea machine washable items.

      • +1. Tossing/donating clothing I don’t like is super cathartic for me. Just get rid of them!

  10. NYC & Jobs :

    Two threadjacks, one work-related and one not:
    1. If you had a free Saturday morning in NYC alone, what would you do? My starting point is near the Empire State Building, and I’ll be eating a bunch later in the day so a heavy breakfast is off the table. Looking less for a comprehensive itinerary of tourist sites than a fun activity or two, maybe off the beaten path or underappreciated.
    2. I’m looking to move on somewhat soon from my current position (not legal, early in career). My strongest networking contacts, by far, are all people I met through my boss. How do I network effectively with them, while not making them uncomfortable/perceive a conflict of interest helping me leave my job under my boss? I’m less concerned with my boss finding out about my search – he’s known to be reasonable about such things.

    • I would subway down to Greenwich Village, pick up a coffee, and visit the walled gardens at the Church of St. Luke in the Fields. It’s free, beautiful, and very relaxing. Then I’d walk a couple blocks west to the river and take a long walk through Hudson River Park down to Battery Park. The walk takes you past a cool little marina and the restored Winter Garden (and the WTC site if you want to venture a few blocks in from the river) and has nice views of the waterfront in Jersey and, once you get to Battery Park, the Statue of Liberty.

      Then I’d hop on a subway and head to wherever you’re brunching.

      • NYC & Jobs :

        This sounds lovely! Thank you! :)

      • Definitely check out the 9/11 Memorial, it is really beautiful. If you want to stay near 34th, check out the High Line. And I also love walking up and down 5th Ave. And walking through the 42nd Street research library (42nd and 5th).

    • I’m a big fan of the Discovery Times Square, there’s always at least one exhibit I want to check out. I usually go on Sunday morning to squeeze in a trip before my train home, and there’s hardly anyone there in the first hour or so, so it doesn’t take long to get into an exhibit. My guess is the same would be true of Saturday morning as well.

    • Not exactly off the beaten path, but I’d visit the Whitney. I went during my last trip, and it was beautiful and very manageable in a couple of hours. I think you can buy tickets in advance to skip the line outside the museum.

      Alternatively, I’d take the subway to Dumbo, get some coffee, walk around a bit, and walk the bridge back over to Manhattan. Then take the subway to wherever you are brunching.

  11. I know there have been a few posts lately about stepping back, SAHM, and various financial risks.

    Wanted to share that a friend of mine was killed suddenly at age 34; his wife had gone SAHM two years ago when they had their second child. I have not asked, nor do I plan to, but this is a wake up call to make sure you are protected (insurance or otherwise) through the teeth if you go the lean out/lean back/stay home route. He was making senior associate pay and on the partner track, they just bought a great house….and now this.

    Hug your kids, your spouse, and check your policies. It isn’t just divorce you have to worry about.

    • So sorry this happened to your friend. Take care of yourself. It’s easy to let your own grief go by the wayside as you support a new widow with small children.

      I’ll just add – if you have someone who depends on your income to pay their bills, or if you depend on someone’s income to pay your bills, you need life insurance. Don’t wait until one of you stays home. Don’t wait until you have kids. Don’t wait until you get married. If you or your partner could not pay the monthly bills without one income, you need to take out life insurance TODAY, RIGHTTHISSECOND. Signed, someone who watched her childless, career-oriented, successful friend lose her house because she couldn’t pay the mortgage without her husband’s income.

      • +1

        Right after my baby was born, I almost died- ICU, on a ventilator, hospital calling my priest, the whole bit. I am a marathon runner who is one of the most disgustingly healthy people I know.

        When I realized how sick I was, one of my major thoughts was, ‘Oh my God. I wish I had more life insurance.’ My other thought was that I wish I had taken more pictures of me with my baby, even though nobody feels particularly photo ready right after giving birth.

      • I am sorry this happened to your friend. Reading similar sad stories here, I realize how often I worry that something like this will happen. I have a pervasive fear that something will happen to my husband– I have significant worry over it at least once a day. Probably once a week it brings me to tears. I never used to worry much about this until we had a baby, but now it’s all the time.

        I have a stable job and could easily support myself and my child on this salary if something happened (although I’d probably have to sell the house and downsize), we both have life insurance (although, to be honest, DH chose the policy, and I don’t know if it’s a “you can keep the house” policy or just a “pay for the funeral” policy– I should find out), and I would not have any shattering life changes other than being emotionally devastated. But I still find myself upset by the idea all. the. time.

        Does anyone else worry like this? I’m not really an anxious person and don’t typically latch onto potential scenarios like this. Any recommendations on how to let this go? Surely it’s not reasonable.

        • Yup. Not quite to this extent, but I definitely have a fear that my SO will suddenly drop dead at age 38.

          • raquiescence :

            You’re not alone at all. My stupid brain likes to pipe up at the moments when I’m the most blissfully happy (snuggled up with my husband and the dog, walking home from a perfect date night, etc.) with “gosh what if your husband just dies all of a sudden?” I’m convinced it’s linked to some stuff I never worked through after my beloved grandmother passed very suddenly — some sort of internalized conviction that life is always waiting to strike just when things seem great. I’ve been thinking for a while that I should take advantage of my health benefits to talk to someone about it (seriously, brain, ENOUGH ALREADY). In any case: you’re not the only one! I promise!

          • TravelAnon :

            @racquiescence: Oh, that’s so hard. Sounds like my experience with unexpected death. Therapy really really really is helping! You have to find a good person, but there are proven ways to help you work through it and cope — it’s not quackery.

        • I worry about this all the time. It got exacerbated when there was other stressful events going on in my life. It almost became debilitating and I couldn’t function at work or home. I have not consulted a therapist but I self diagnosed that it is anxiety. I could match every symptom that was listed for anxiety. Now every time this thought come to my mind, I remind myself that it is my anxiety tricking me. It has been a bit better from last few months. Then my husband’s cousin died in a car crash on Monday and it has been very difficult for me to control my anxiety and I have difficulty sleeping :-( .

        • Anonymous :

          I do worry that something will happen to my husband (I know we have decent life insurance, so not financially, just emotionally), but I worry much more that something will happen to me. I had a long cry last night after reading the Scary Mommy article titled “One Last Kiss” (NSFW IF YOU DON’T WANT TEARS!) at the idea that if something happened to me, my kids are so young that they might not even have real memories of me.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Is there some central place where you can go to compare policies and premiums? I keep meaning to do this but haven’t been sure where to start.

    • Wow, that’s horrible. I’m sorry for your tragic loss.

      You gave great advice. I’ll also add make sure you are living your best life possible because anything can happen at anytime. Tomorrow might be too late…

    • My husband’s cousin died Monday in a car accident. His wife is a SAHM. She has a college degree but never worked. They had two very young children (3.5 years and 6 months). I cannot explain how sad the situation is.
      I am thinking about her and the children constantly.

      And yes…all the discussion about SAHM or leaning out came to my mind.

      • I know multiple people who died at early ages in car accidents, and one person who is now paralyzed (after hit by someone underinsured).

        We do forget that these things happen, even to the healthiest of us.

        And driving our cars is probably the most dangerous thing we do every day.

      • Aunt Jamesina :

        A woman I know from undergrad is in this same situation, her husband died in a car accident a few months ago. Since she posted a GoFundMe for funeral costs, I’m assuming there’s no life insurance. Thankfully she has parents who are very involved with their grandkids (and live nearby), and from what I understand I think she’s moved in with them. I can’t imagine.

    • That is truly awful, and as I mentioned in the previous thread on this topic, something I deal with all the time in my work so it’s always on my mind.

      One thing I should have said on the previous thread that I didn’t was: if yu are thinking of becoming SAHM and you don’t have much work experience, you should at a minimum work a part time job long enough to qualify on your own terms to receive Social security when you reach eligible age or if you become disabled. Of course, who knows for sure how long soc sec will be around, but for now, it’s worth doing what you can to keep that option open to yourself. I believe you need to earn about $5k per year for 10 years for SSI (retirement). So a part-time job at $8 per hour for 12 hours a week at 50 weeks per year would get you in.

      • Coach Laura :

        Dulcinea, spouses whose partners die can receive retirement benefits under the deceased’s social security and don’t need to qualify on their own terms. So if the SAHM hadn’t worked enough but the spouse had, she would be covered (assuming SSI still exists when she or he retires). calls it the “widow’s rate” but applies equally to men and women. Same with divorce if married more than 10 years. So the SAHM doesn’t really need to work to get SSI.

        SAHMs should view SSI as just a nice bonus if it happens but it’s likely not enough to live on in retirement. Minor children do get benefits too from a deceased parent and that’s likely to continue even if SSI for retirees goes away.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss.

      Speaking of life insurance, do you guys think it’s essential to get life insurance on me in our situation? My DH is the primary breadwinner and has a job he loves that is about as stable as they come (tenured university prof). We have no mortgage and plenty of money in the bank, so he would have no problem taking a leave of absence for a while, and I know long-term he would want to work (and paying for life insurance to ensure he never had to work again – aka several million dollars worth – would be cost prohibitive). We have some minimal policy on me ($20K I think) that would cover funeral costs, etc. Logically I’m not sure what good having something like $250K or $500K would do, since he would still need to work and he can and wants to work, but I do wonder if we’re crazy for having such a small amount. Thoughts?

      • When you say you have no mortgage – is that because you’ve paid it off, or because you rent?

      • Unless you have a health condition, term life insurance for a million or so would not be cost prohibitive. I pay about $80/month for $2mm. Have you checked rates?

        • We are not high earners and I would consider $80/month cost prohibitive (obviously we can literally afford it, but it would be a significant expense for us that would require sacrificing other things). I guess I also just don’t understand why a 30-something man who loves his job, has great job security, and has no kids would need $2 million if his wife died. He can support our current lifestyle on just his salary. Is the purpose of life insurance really to ensure the surviving spouse never has to work again? I thought the purpose was to give them the money to maintain their current lifestyle and take an unpaid leave from work if necessary.

      • Do you have children to send to college?

        • Nope, no kids and no plans to have kids.

          • I think slightly more than $20K might make sense, but it doesn’t sound like you need a lot. The only reason I say more than $20K is because of the risk that you may have an accident or extended illness before passing and he would have to take leave to care for you before you pass. In addition to taking unpaid leave, there are extra costs of paying for household chores you don’t have time to do, and in some cases depending on the type of illness/accident, buying special foods, mobility devices, over the counter medicines, etc. Even a simple funeral in my family recently cost close to $8K, so your $20K policy would not leave much after that to make up for all of those costs that can drain savings/add up on the credit card bill. That said, I think $50K would be plenty, and many employers offer a $50K group life policy as a standard benefit, so you might check if you’re already covered there. And hope you never need it.

          • Maddie Ross :

            With no kids and no plans for kids, no I don’t think you need to worry about life insurance if you don’t want it. Long term care maybe, but you’re probably correct in thinking that beyond funeral expenses, extra income may not be necessary in your situation (which is a bit unique in that sense, frankly).

          • Anonymous :

            Anonymous at 12:50 makes such a good point. If you have significant hospital bills prior to passing your current financial stability is irrelevant. That’s a benefit to life insurance I hadn’t previously considered. If you dip into savings to pay medical costs, your spouse may be less financially stable after your passing and would benefit from a larger life insurance payment.

      • Get life insurance! If something happens to you, his expenses will go up. He will have to pay for childcare or he may want to lean out for a little while to regroup or maybe move if family isn’t nearby. The insurance will give him options to get him through whatever comes later.

        I even recommend disability insurance, if you can get it, for a non-working spouse. I bought an individual policy early in my career and I kept it through periods of unemployment and the years I was in law school. I want my husband’s life to be as easy as possible if something happens to me. BTW, I am not in any way associated with the insurance industry or even any estate planning, etc. Just someone who wants to take care of my family.

      • I don’t know if you need to get a life insurance policy. The purpose of the policy is to protect the spouse who would be unable to pay for their lifestyle on their own. In our family’s case, we have a policy insuring the breadwinner, but not the other spouse, even though both work, but every couple needs to make those decisions on their own.

    • I’m the 50 year old who posted about the bad divorces. I didn’t talk about other things but j do have several friends who have lost their spouses to death, and two friends whose spouse became totally disabled and unable to support the family.

      So the insurance to have is: term life insurance for the number of years it would take to fully raise your kids. You need enough policy limit to pay all of your expenses for whatever time period that is. There are various rules of thumb all over the internet. Be conservative & buy high limits, and buy term while you are young and healthy.

      You should also have long term disability insurance.

      And I agree with other posters, you really need to have some sort of marketable job skills. Do part time work and maintain your network. You never know.

      (One of the SAHMs whose husband became disabled is getting certified as a yoga instructor. I hope this means they had great insurance.)

    • Also you never know, you may not qualify for life insurance in the future! I had a medical incident which left me fine but which means I will definitely no longer be able to get life insurance. I wish I’d gotten it a couple years ago!

    • Minnie Beebe :

      You also should have some sort of long-term disability policy. A spouse’s death is something that you can recover from (and I don’t mean to imply that it would be easy) – you get whatever settlement is due, invest it, readjust to your new situation and move forward. But a bigger concern (IMO) is disability – if my spouse was injured severely, and (for example) was in a vegetative or near-vegetative state as a result, and couldn’t work while also racking up substantial medical bills? That type of situation frightens me far more.

      Please don’t forget about LTD!

    • What about parents? Since I was 20, I’ve had term life insurance on myself for the benefit of my parents. $500k. Premium is $20/month.

      It gives me much peace of mind knowing that if something happens to me, my parents can pay off their mortgage and have some money in the bank. Before I bought the policy I used to work all the time about who would take care of them if I had an accident. I have 2 irresponsible and selfish younger brothers, but they do not count.

  12. We’ve had a lot of “Should I bill for this?” discussions here so I’m hoping you ladies can help me. If someone junior to you asks you a quick question that you can answer off the top of your head, do you bill for it? I’m a senior associate and I get questions like this from attorneys and paralegals all the time. I’ve never billed it. I have a new supervising partner and he refuses to answer any of my questions (5-10 minutes, maybe once a quarter) for matters he’s not on. I find this incredibly odd and wonder if this is a common practice I just didn’t know about?

    • No, I definitely don’t bill for that.

    • No, it’s odd. Though I did have a senior associate at my old firm that told me when I started “don’t ask me about cases that aren’t related to [cases a particular partner worked on].” I ignored that and kept asking her questions anyway because she was the best resource. If I just kept asking, she did in fact answer my questions, but probably because I was persistent (and the only junior associate who wasn’t scared of her).

      • I’m likely going to continue to ask anyway, but I might start doing it by email as a CYA so he can’t come back and say that he can’t be held accountable if something goes wrong because I never told him about it.

        But for background, and because I think this shows how totally ridiculous this is, I get one of two responses when I try to ask questions: (1) he yells at me and berates me; or (2) he literally sticks his fingers in his ears and goes LALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU until I give up. He has even bragged to other partners about refusing to answer my questions that I ask “all the time.” Dude the last time I was in your office asking a question was 3 months ago. How that is “all the time” is beyond me.

        • He sounds like a jerk. Continue to send the CYA “this is what I’m going to do, speak now or forever hold your peace” emails. Good luck.

    • I would have never billed for that.

    • Generally, no. But if it turns into a longer strategy session then yes. However, a good portion of my clients are contingent so the bills in those instances are for internal accounting, not actually going to a paying client. If I’m on the fence if I should bill for something I go with yes if contingent, no if hourly for that reason.

      So, if the question is like what’s the deadline to file x, or what court should y be filed in, I wouldn’t bill it. If the question was here is an issue, here are three ways to argue it, which do you think would be most successful and we spend 20 minutes talking about, I bill for that.

      • It’s somewhere between your examples. Sometimes it’s, we have an oral argument before this judge you just had a case with and I never have, what can you tell me about the judge? Sometimes it’s, partner who thinks they know more than I do about my niche practice area hatched up a crazy scheme that will royally p!ss off our judge and hurt the client, are you cool with me telling partner we’re not going to do that? For the latter, if he had to actually get on the phone with the partner then he should absolutely get to bill for it. But that’s not what I’m asking him to do; I’m letting him know JUST IN CASE the partner blows up and calls him. That’s only happened once in 7 years (and I was right) but I wouldn’t want him to be blindsided.

    • Generally, no. I figure it’s about building relationships and contributing to an environment that I want to be in.

      If it is a longer session (>.25) and I am working on another matter for the client and I have extra room in that budget (most projects are flat fee) and the client has agreed to time shifting (most have), I bill it to my matter.

      Clients get very worried when names appear on their bill that they don’t recognize. Partners don’t want to deal with the headache so that person’s time usually gets written down first.

  13. Stupid question from someone who lives in a warm climate: how do you wear a blazer under a winter coat? Do you just $uck it up and feel like a sausage? Carry the blazer in your arms or bag to work? Leave your blazers at work and put them on when you take off your overcoat?

    • Size up.

      When you’re shopping, you think about what you’ll be wearing under the coat, right? Well, if you’re in a business formal profession and you’ll need a suit jacket and winter coat often, you size up to account for that. In the south, where you’re often just wearing a single layer under a coat, you size down.

      For the current situation, where the sized-down coat is already purchased, I’d carry the blazer separately if I were driving somewhere.

      • Huh. Aren’t you swimming in it when you’re not wearing a blazer then? Do you have a separate winter coat for weekends and travel?

        • Bostonian here, and I have about 5 winter coats. One is a formal wool overcoat for wearing with a suit / blazer. I also have a more casual wool toggle coat, a waterproof coat, a primaloft parka, etc.

          • Baconpancakes :

            Hey, I’m a Virginian, and I still have 4 winter coats. Formal black wool overcoat, formal water resistant black lined trenchcoat, black puffer coat, navy toggle coat, and I really want a loosely belted tan wrap coat. The one I was waiting to go on sale sold out instead.

            I always thought I was being unreasonable by having so many coats. Glad I’m not alone!

            (Actually, any other great, casual coats anyone’s in love with?)

        • I prefer belted coats for this reason. And yes, I have a separate winter coat for weekends, mostly because I don’t want my nice professional coat to get beer spilled all over it.

        • If you aren’t wearing a blazer, you are usually wearing multiple layers, so you don’t really notice any extra room…

          Winter coats should always have enough room for wearing a couple layers.

      • Agree with all of this. Size up so that you can wear a blazer underneath. In moderate climates I often wear just a blazer, layering a wool sweater underneath and/or leaving an extra winter coat in the car in case I need to run errands.

        I had an entire winter coat wardrobe (5-6 coats of various styles, purchased over time) when I lived in the midwest.

      • I must either be wearing very thin blazers or coats that are too big, because this has never really been an big issue for me. I generally don’t buy fitted coats that are just big enough for a long sleeved shirt and maybe a cardigan, I think about what’s going to go under it and size accordingly. I do recall, back when I wore blazers, that a blazer plus a coat sometimes felt a *little* tight, but I never felt like a stuffed sausage or noticeably uncomfortable.

    • Diana Barry :

      I buy my winter coat big enough so I can layer a top and blazer under it and still wear it and feel fine.

    • I leave all my blazers at work

    • lucy stone :

      Size up or carry your blazer. I have about 7 winter coats – my giant down parka which I bought to fit over a blazer and a cashmere sweater, a wool topper that fits over a blazer, a wool topper that fits over a sweater but not a blazer, some casual North Faces from college, and a wool toggle that fits over a blazer. None of which currently fit since I’m pregnant but I am not buying another coat!

    • I leave all my blazers (and work heels for that matter) at the office — bonus points because it frees up closet space at home!

      I rarely have offs!te meetings, though, so although my dress coat does not fit well at the shoulders with a blazer under it, I don’t really care.

    • Anonymous :

      I have two winter coats, wool, with raglan sleeves that fit over my jackets. And my trench coat fits over my jackets too.

  14. Has anyone done underarm Botox to control sweating? Thoughts?

    I’m in a disgustingly hot climate and my concerns are that I will just start sweating more elsewhere to compensate, and that I will find it harder to tolerate the heat if my body isn’t sweating as much as it “needs” to. But the sweating in my office and resulting “I just ran a marathon” smell on all my suits is just not tolerable for me anymore, and no deodorant/antiperspirant (including prescription) has worked.

    • I’d try it – it wears off if you don’t like it, right? And the rest of you, sans Botoxed areas should still sweat.

    • I’d like to jump off this in general – I am a heavy sweater (hands, armpits, etc.) for no reason. Got my thyroid tested and it was normal. No deodorant/ antiperspirant works (including Certain-Dri). What options do I have?

      • This is not why I did it, but I noticed when I started using birth control, my sweating went WAY down. I used to consistently have huge sweat marks under my armpits and just sweated like mad, even in the middle of winter. I started on birth control for my acne and I rarely have a problem now with sweating. May not be the path you want to take, but just some thing to keep in mind.

    • I’m also a heavy sweater, especially in my armpit area. I use a product called ‘Drysol’. It’s available online and I know in Canada it can also be bought over the counter. I put it on once or twice a week at night before bed. It works wonders for me. I still sweat when I am exercising or doing something strenuous but otherwise I haven’t ruined or stained any clothes since I started using it. I wear white blouses and light colored shirts without embarrassment now.

      • I had the same issue and drysol was a life-saver. At first its weird because you still *feel* like you are sweating but when you check there is no sweat! and then either that feeling goes away or you get used to it and you forget you even worried about sweat stains:)

        I weaned it off slowly over time and I don’t need to use it any more. But I still have some stashed at home jut in case.. I love it that much!

    • I got Miradry 6 months ago and it changed my life. I went from soaking through jackets to occasional minimal humidity in my shirts that easily dries off. I still sweat what I would qualify as a “normal” amount during intense work out or when the temperature gets to the high 90’s. I haven’t noticed any changes in how much I sweat elsewhere. I’m not more uncomfortable with my internal body temperature, if anything it’s better since I’m not dealing with my cold wet armpits anymore. In addition, Miradry will also reduce the smelling issue. I just got 1 treatment so far but I don’t think I’ll go for a second one. I wasn’t going for the “bone-dry” result they say you get with 2, I just wanted to feel like a normal person. I considered Botox but given that I was looking for a permanent solution. Botox would’ve quickly added up to the $2,000 Mirady cost me.

  15. Apologies if this has already been discussed, but is anyone planning to avoid shopping at Land’s End based on their Gloria Steinem snafu? I’ve never been a big LE shopper but I’ve gotten some basics there over the years and sometimes get sweaters and shirts for the men in my life there as gifts. I’m usually not one to boycott retailers but I really don’t think I can support them anymore. I think what bothers me in particular is the fact that it was their decision to feature Steinem in the ads so there must have been some discussion of the potential issues and the fact that they buckled so quickly and entirely is really disheartening, esp. since whatever you think about abortion, Steinem has done so much for ALL women that has nothing to do with that and her work on the ERA was the focus of the feature, not anything about abortion. So, F. Land’s End, is how I see it. But curious if the many readers who like their stuff plan on abstaining from their wares as a result of this.

    Here’s a summary of what happened for anyone who’s interested:

    If there was already a discussion of this, please let me know and I will check that thread.

    • lucy stone :

      It was talked about v. briefly on the moms site, but not in any detail. I’m really torn on what to do because a lot of my and my husband’s wardrobe is from there. I have written them to complain and used my most recent order numbers in my complaint so they know I am an actual customer and not just some whiny wingnut.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I feel the same way. I never shopped there much since they charge for return shipping but I’m really upset about how they handled it. Like you I just can’t believe they didn’t know there would be some people vocally upset with featuring her. I think they angered people who both hate and support Gloria Steinem. I’m willing to avoid shopping there, although honestly that’s not saying much. Likewise, I also avoid Chik Fil A but that’s not a huge deal either because I’m not normally near one.

      • FYI, Chick-Fil-A backed away from that position and stopped giving money to groups that are anti-marriage equality. I know this because I really like their chicken biscuits :)

        • I think Chik-Fil-A was actually about statements made by their COO and giving to anti-gay marriage groups by a charitable foundation run by the founding family, rather than anything the company itself did. That said, they’re private, so there’s a bit of a closer tie than in a public company. They have indeed backed away from the issue in light of the pushback they got. I, too, was relieved because I was not allowing myself their delicious chicken soup.

    • I am fiercely pro-choice, to the point that I knocked on doors one fall to campaign against a pro-life state proposition on the ballot that November.

      That said, I just can’t get worked up about this LE thing. I’m so worn out with all the outrage swirling around these days – by everyone, about everything, on every side – that I just can’t muster up the care over this. Enough. Everyone is important. All sides are valid. We all care about our families and our country. Just enough already.

      I’ve shopped at LE in the past and will in the future.

    • Wildkitten :

      I’ve shopped there in the past and probably will in the future but I’m definitely avoiding it at the moment.

    • LE no more ... :

      I’m in my late 50s and have never boycotted a company in my life before this. I’m not a huge LE shopper but I do buy things there, and no more. I wrote them an email and have unsubscribed to all of their emails.

      This just bugged me beyond the pale for some reason and I’m going to take it out on LE.

    • I do feel icky about LE at the moment because of this but not planning a specific long term boycott. I unsubscribed from their emails and those are what usually remind me to visit the site and buy. I’m a bit torn because I also find they have some good messaging in their clothes – like they had NASA shirts for girls instead of just in the boys section.

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      I’ve found their quality to be lacking since they were bought by Sears a few years back. I really like LL Bean, so it’s pretty painless to stop shopping at Land’s End.

    • No. I didn’t really care that they featured her, I get why they took it back. I disagree but I don’t actually care.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Team F. Lands End here. I never shopped there much but I find their conduct utterly indefensible and I am absolutely done with them. Basically everything LE no more at 11:27 said.

    • I do shop at Lands’ End, I really like their cotton sweaters. However, I am currently boycotting them because I didn’t care for them removing Ms. Steinem from the site, or their smarmy response. I believe that one of the best ways to drive change is to vote with your dollars. I need to care enough to find sweaters elsewhere, and not support a company that is disrespectful of both women and the US law. (Don’t penalize people for supporting something that is legal in our country.)

      • I think for me it’s exactly as Sydney said – they angered both people who support Steinem and who are offended by her, which is so stupid beyond everything else wrong with that. Somehow businesses that just have different values (Hobby Lobby, Chick Fill-A) don’t bother me as much because this is just where they stand and it is what it is. I don’t tend to shop there to begin with but even if I did, I don’t think it would bother me nearly as much. But with Land’s End, I think their response to this “controversy” is somehow worse than if they were just a regressive, anti-feminist, anti-ERA company. It’s one thing if these were their “values” but it’s so much worse that they they clearly wanted to take a pro-women’s equality stance and then backtracked so quickly and in such a cowardly way.

    • Anonymous :

      I think of you are going not shop somewhere because some of the decision makers ar sexist it’s a good idea, but of you pull at that thread you’re pretty much le with small local shops and seamstresses

    • I just ordered pants for my son the day before the news broke. I wouldn’t have ordered if I’d known. I wrote them a note saying that I was disappointed and that most of their customers are working women (I feel safe in that assumption because most retail customers are working women) and that we wouldn’t be where we were without trailblazers like Gloria Steinem. And further, I hated to see them getting jerked around by the vocal but minority religious right.

      I got a form letter back saying they didn’t mean to offend anyone. It was generic and could have applied to either side of the debate.

      You know, they’re probably more sensitive to the right because they’re a big school uniform supplier, and church schools are big on school uniforms.

      That was probably my last order. Now if someone else can tell me where to find husky, elastic waist pants for my fussy, tank-shaped son I would appreciate it!!

      • I got the same form back, I think. Something about how they didn’t mean “to get political.” I’m pretty sure I wrote them original that I don’t believe women’s rights is a political issue.

    • Anonymama :

      Oh geez, I think it was dumb that they didn’t anticipate the controversy, but their apology was basically saying they are sorry that people got mad, it wasn’t disavowing women’s rights or criticizing Gloria Steinem. So I would write a letter saying I support women’s rights and am disappointed that they pulled the Steinem profile, but I wouldn’t boycott.

      • Anonymous :

        No, they definitely disavowed her. They scrubbed everything related to her from their website. They disavowed her more than Donald Trump disavowed the KKK, that’s for sure.

      • Agree. If they simply apologized for causing offense because it was never their intention to make this divisive, that’s one thing. But they did everything but go door to door to ask for their catalogs back.

  16. I had a phone interview yesteday for a board seat, and as I was describing my experience and qualifications I thought, wow, I sound pretty impressive. And when I finished one of the interviewers said, “very impressive!”

    But of course I felt like a fraud. Yes, I really do have all of this experience and subject matter knowledge but something inside of me told me I was playing a role, and that if they only knew the real me, they wouldn’t be as impressed.

    Impostor syndrome much? UGH. Please tell me the menfolk experience this too!

    • at least my guy does. I often think the entire millenial age bracket does.

      • Shopaholic :

        +1 – I had this exact conversation with my boyfriend last night about his imposter syndrome.

    • Listen up yo, you’se a BAMF. Rinse and repeat.

    • My husband has horrific impostor syndrome. I tell him: “Either you’re a terrific conman or you’re actually as talented as people think. I know you’re a bad liar, so I’m going with the latter.” But it’s totally not a woman thing. What is a woman thing is admitting it.

      • My husband is the same way, but he talks a big game about how awesome he is. I think it’s just something he learned to do because he’s “supposed to.”

      • Ditto to the comment about the bit being a ‘woman thing’ is admitting it – my husband has terrible imposter syndrome, which he talks about with me, but he doesn’t talk about it with his guy friends the way I do with my girlfriends. I think imposter syndrome itself is a human thing – not having it at all would be far weirder than having some degree of it.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m gonna have to remember that conman line, that’s a good one. :)

    • Anonymous :

      FWIW, my boyfriend is the same way. Brilliant, talented, literal rocket scientist, works for freaking NASA, still worries about not being smart enough for what he does. He’s got more degrees than limbs and a brain that works like a well-balanced machine, and he panics sometimes about someone finding out that he’s “not as smart as [he] seems.” It’s universal.

      That said – that little voice that says you’re playing a role is a damned liar. You absolutely ARE that awesome.

  17. Anon for this :

    I started an (unpaid) internship this week and they offered me a full time position this morning! I’m hoping to negotiate the salary, because it’s a little lower than I would like, but I’m excited to receive an offer so quickly!

  18. Funeral wear :

    I’m going to a Catholic funeral mass next week, and am not sure what to wear. Is a black business suit too formal? It’s pretty much the only black outfit I have…

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      What part of the country are you in and who is the crowd? I think dark colors are perfectly fine for almost any funeral. A suit would be a bit much in some parts of the country, but fine in others.

    • I would wear the skirt with a top in a muted color (along the lines of bordeaux). I’d say wear a sweater if you need the indoor warmth vs. suit jacket.

    • I think it’s fine. No one will notice your clothes unless they’re wildly inappropriate. But you don’t have to be all black either. A charcoal gray dress with a black scarf, cardigan, or blazer is equally suitable even for the most formal funerals. Dark solid neutrals of any type in a conservative cut are also generally fine (though great to mix a black piece in too if possible).

    • My whole family is Catholic, and so I’ve been to many Catholic funerals in the mid-Atlantic states. I think black suits are acceptable, but a gray (or other muted color) sweater would also work if you didn’t want to wear the jacket.

    • Anonymous :

      I wouldn’t wear a suit as a woman. I went to a Catholic funeral this month (and have been to many, many in my upbringing) and I wore a black work dress and a cardigan with tights. The goal is to be unassuming and blend in.

    • It’s absolutely appropriate, and is what I always wear to funerals outside my birth faith.*

      *In my birth faith, white (or bright colors if you don’t have white attire) is preferred for funerals.

      • Anonymous :

        Out of curiosity, which faith is this? I’ve never heard of bright colors for a funeral.

    • lucy stone :

      Cradle Catholic, former altar girl – I think it’d be fine but may be a bit formal depending on where you are. I’m in the upper midwest and generally wear a suiting dress and grey cardigan or sweater to funerals. A black suit might be a bit more dressed up than average but wouldn’t seem out of place at all.

  19. oh so anon :

    I work in social services. I spend a lot of time in what are called “underserved communities” and the shoestring non-profits and church organizations that work within these communities. They are very no-frills environments.

    And I have a sneaking suspicion that I occasionally, um, scrape myself with very cheap toilet tissue. Is this possible? Or should I be talking to my doctor about other issues? I only ever notice it after using the facilities in these environments.

    • Wildkitten :

      That would surprise me, but you could do perform a scientific experiment by packing a tissue pocket pack in your handbag to use and see if that fixes the issue?

    • Anonymous :

      Not sure what you mean by scrape yourself. Your front end or your back end? If you mean the front end, not sure why the TP is going inside you. Just blot yourself with it.

    • Anonymous :

      If your skin is dry, moisturize. I gyn once told me that a lot of women have dry skin in those areas.

    • Anonymous :

      Use summers eve wipes.

    • Understandable – some are more sensitive in these areas.

      Agreed to blot, not vigorously wipe or drag.

      Also WK is right, try to bring your own tissue pack or summer eves wipes, there are several very discreet handbag travel size packs that they have in the store.

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