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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
February is always hard — retailers haven't yet restocked with new clothes (or if they have they all look way too summery for current shopping), and only the dregs of the old stuff is left. So when you do see a fairly “normal” looking piece (like this cashmere sweater) more than 70% off, you have to wonder: what's the catch? Reading the reviews, it looks like it's a sizing issue — the sweaters are apparently cut very small. Still: for some lucky ladies out there, this will be a great deal — the sweater was $148, then marked to $59, but now on sale for $29.50 (through 2/23). It's available in three colors (forest green, black, and a royalish blue), sizes XS-L mostly still available. Good luck, ladies! C by Bloomingdale's Cashmere V Neck Sweater
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Sorry for immediate TJ. I’m looking to upgrade the quality of items in my wardrobe. I’m more of a “uniform” dresser than a new-style type of person and I’d like to really just get the pieces that I need, ideally have them last for years, and be done with it. Can anyone comment on the best quality items they’ve found at the Ann Taylor/Banana Republic price range? Are there any brands at that price point that seem to last forever? I would definitely be open to trying new brands, but I’d like opinions about where I can get the best bang for my buck. I would also be willing to spend slightly more for key pieces, such as the perfect wool trousers or the perfect flats. Thank you!
Basics for Anon
I’ve had store-brand staples from the following, purchased on sale, last for years:
– Brooks Brothers
– Neiman Marcus
– Saks
– TSE
– Cole-Haan
– Talbots
It is true, as many have noted, that quality overall is declining. So now I have to check each piece for material and construction much more closely before deciding to purchase it.
Monday
One thing I check for is how easily I will be able to repair the item. I am much more careful purchasing things that are beyond my skills to mend. If you don’t sew, this wouldn’t apply, but in my experience it’s worth learning the basics because clothing is just so poorly made these days. I’ve saved lots of money that would have been paid to tailors or for replacement items, and I don’t even own a machine. I’m just talking about frays, fallen hemlines, buttons fallen off, split seams, and small holes.
Basics for Anon
I’ve had store-brand staples from the following, purchased on sale, last for years:
– Brooks Brothers
– Neiman Marcus
– Saks
– TSE
– Cole-Haan
– Talbots
It is true, as many here have noted, that quality overall is declining. So now I have to check each piece for material and construction much more closely before deciding to purchase it.
Killer Kitten Heels
I’ve been having really good luck with Nordstrom’s Halogen brand, which I believe is a house brand, and also Vince Camuto.
For flats, Sam Edelman – I tried a pair during a personal stylist appointment, and they were a little pricier than I usually go for ballet flats, but they were so comfortable and adorable that I ended up splurging, and they have been well worth it. I’ve been beating the death out of them for almost a year, and they still look new.
TO Lawyer
Thanks for the Sam Edelman rec KKH! I love SE heels and will definitely need a new pair of flats this spring so will check out SE!
Anonymous
just as a counterpoint: I bought SE soft-toed flats and they scuffed and fell apart quickly.
Edna
+ 100 for all these recommendations. I have great success with Halogen and Vince Camuto. I’ve also had a few pairs of Sam Edelman flats that I’ve loved. I wore one particular pair almost daily (and walked a lot in them) and they lasted over a year. If I had been diligent about commuting in sneakers and not wearing the flats for 1+ miles of walking to/from the office on a regular basis they definitely would have lasted longer.
roses
In the vein of Kat’s pick for today, sales on the house brand of high-end stores could be really great for you. I’ve had great luck with Neiman Marcus cashmere, which I can usually find on their Last Call site for under $100. Saks too (they just launched their outlet, Off 5th, online) and some Lord and Taylor pieces. For casual wear, though they have some pieces that work for professional environments (particularly pants), I’m a big fan of Club Monaco.
Anonymous
I’ve had trouble lately with a lot of the knits from Ann Taylor, but their basic v-neck cashmere sweater has held up well for me. For flats, I buy from Clarks because they’re comfortable and last about 2 years.
Polished Pinstripes
I have had better luck with Banana Republic in the past 2-3 years than with Ann Taylor. Banana Republic’s basic wool sweaters have worn very nicely, as have their basic pencil skirts. Ann Taylor’s plain black suits are almost indestructible – I had one that I wore for about 4 years until it finally started looking worn. However, they are generally polyester, and I have now switched to trying to buy 100% wool suits because I have very sensitive skin (don’t ask me why my skin is fine with wool, which is ichy on many people, but doesn’t like polyester, which is fine for most people). I also really like Banana Republic’s oxford shirts – I’ve tried on oxford shirts everywhere and found Banana’s to be the best combination of not gapping at the buttons but still fitted and not boxy.
http://www.polishedpinstripes.com
k-padi
I stopped shopping at BR and Ann Taylor because the clothing just wore out too dang fast. I’ve been shopping at Nordie’s with a personal shopper and an increased budget to find quality items that will last for more than a year. I have been introduced to good items by Vince, Halogen, Eileen Fischer, Theory, Tory Burch, and the other Nordie’s brands. From a quality for the price viewpoint, I am disappointed by DVF and Kate Spade. Joie is meh on quality. I did splurge on a pair of St. Johns pants and they are wonderful.
Pink
I’ve found certain things from both AT and BR to hold up well (in addition to jcrew and BrooksBros). It really depends on the material and construction.
e.g. I realized I have to be careful with cotton stretch after I realized how horrible it looks after the first wear after I bought a maroon dress from AT. On the other hand, the cut of cotton stretch in one sheath from BB is one of my favorite dresses.
My tropical wool stuff from both places have held up really well. My tweed pieces from BB are showing some wear after heavy rotation in the last 1.5 years.
BR–some wool/cotton/blend cardis have held up really well, others, not so much. But I prefer them to the stretched out shapeless mess that is the jcrew Jackie.
Club Monaco–I find them to be cute, but flimsy. ie. expensive H&M
Anon
Great tips so far, ladies – thank you! I think the Nordstrom house brands might be the ticket with the free shipping and good return policy.
hoola hoopa
For what you want, I’d definitely pass on AT and BR. It’s so hit or miss it’s not worth it. In addition to all the brands listed already (with which I agree), I’d add Pendleton (comparable to Brooks Bro) and LE (comparable to Halogen).
HappyHoya
Does anyone have any tips or resources for finding blouses for work without (or with minimal) polyester? I’ve noticed that my polyester blouses never wear very well, and my doctor recently suggested it might be aggravating a dermatological issue. I was surprised when I looked in my closet at how many of my blouses were 100% (or nearly 100%) polyester- pieces from everywhere from Loft and the Limited to J. Crew, Ann Taylor and more expensive brands from Nordstrom and Bloomingdales. As I’m looking for replacements, I’m finding even really high-end clothes that are 100% polyester. The best replacements I’ve found so far are cotton or cotton-blend button down shirts, but a wardrobe of only button-down tops would be very boring. I’ve never had a lot of luck with 100% silk (always looks wrinkled and sloppy by 11am), although I’ve had tops that were silk/cotton blends that worked. Any ideas? I don’t need a lot of business formal clothes, so tops that work with pants or a skirt without a jacket are fine.
anon
These may not be the style you are looking for, but I have had wonderful luck with Joie and Vince tops. They can be pricey, but watch the sales. They hold up beautifully, and also come in fun prints as well as deep saturated solids. I have never known either line to use anything other than 100% silk.
HappyHoya
Thank you! I’m always glad to find good brands available at Nordstrom (free shipping and free returns FTW!).
Killer Kitten Heels
Don’t forget about Nordstrom Rack – you can shop it online and I believe all the same Nordstrom policies apply.
zora
totally Nordstrom rack. I just go and skim every few weeks and found some amazing cotton jersey and silk blend tops for great prices. also, crazy enough, I have a couple tops from old navy and tar get that are rayon with scoop necks that look like nice blouses under suits. rayon is hit or miss, but these are soft and feel like a silly cotton. I also have good luck with viscose.
zora
oh other places for great deals if you’re lucky: Last Call NM and off saks 5th. there’s a lot of junk but I’ve got my skimming system down to a science and can quickly spot anything that might work, eliminate and decide what to buy after lots of practice.
Orangerie
+1. DvF blouses are also great.
anon
In my experience, the 100% silk tops from these brands (and Equipment) tend to wrinkle MUCH less than cheaper ones (J.Crew, I’m looking at you). Not sure why. And they go on sale all the time.
kjoirishlastname
Just about anything that is knit or slinky-feeling, or satiny is going to have a large component of polyester. Blouses like button-down types are more typically going to be 100% cotton, or a cotton-spandex blend (Think the Lands End no-iron styles, for example). The no-iron ones are treated with a coating that helps the cotton threads stay a little more stiff even through washing.
There are other options for the 100% cotton type, or a cotton-silk blend, you can sometimes find mandarin collars, or wrap blouses. You can also try to find silk dupioni tops–if you launder them properly, they don’t tend to wrinkle as much as some of the lighter silk tops.
Lands End offers a TON of colors and prints in their button-down styles, but they also have some collarless shirts as well.
Another option would be to wear something cotton or silk against your skin (a shell, a v-neck or similar) and then add your poly pieces over top. Also look for camis and tanks that aren’t necessarily meant to be seen, but that will still protect your skin from the fabric. I have a friend with a daughter whose eczema is horribly exacerbated by polyester, so they do as much 100% cotton next-to-skin as possible. Also just do your due diligence for finding the right topical treatments for your skin.
RR
I feel like I’m becoming a spokesperson, but I find Lafayette 148 silk blouses to wear extraordinarily well. I’ve had no wrinkling/disheveled issues ever in wearing a number of different styles. It’s a great quality silk. Pricey, but not so bad on sales.
Kontraktor
Talbots is nice. They carry a lot of items made from silk, silk blends, cotton blends and also good wools (for sweaters and knit tops).
Anon
I recently bought several Ravello tops from Boden. They are washable because they are about 65% Rayon/ Viscose and 35% silk. I haven’t had them for long, so no guarantees but they feel nice and look nice under jackets and sweaters.
Lafayette 148
Per their website, they are outfitting NBC’s female commentators for the Olympics. I will be watching the hockey game at lunch and will keep an eye out. I am intrigued enough to see if my Nordies will do a room of their stuff for me to see if it actually fits. Can anyone who is a fan (I know there are some here) comment on the Astor and Delancey pants? It seems like everything else is high waist or size zip or might not accommodate my shape (skinny pear with natural waist up by my armpits — Nordies Taylor Curvy pants are about the only thing that truly fits me), but I am intrigued enough to try. Also, do they do suits or is it just lots of separates?
RR
I am a huge fan. They do suits, although everything is sold as separates. But, if you look on the website under suits, it breaks down by fabric type with tons of options for pants and jackets in each fabric and color (and lots of color options for their wool particularly) and then a “novelty” category where there’s usually only one option for top and bottom. A lot of the jackets are a little unusual as opposed to classic shapes, but they do generally have at least one or two classic shape jackets for the main fabrics (e.g., wool). I can’t comment on the Astor pants, but I love the Delancey pants. For me, they fit great and are a classic wide-leg trouser look. FWIW, I am plus size, so I don’t know how that translates (I am curvy). I have a short torso and high natural waist, and I find that the menswear pant also fits me very well.
Mostly, what I love is that the fabrics are always just gorgeous. In a sea of what seems to be ever cheapening fabrics (I still mourn old Talbots quality), Lafayette 148 uses gorgeous wools and silks. I also find the quality to be exquisite–again, while everyone else seems to be sinking in quality.
right off the bat--not ashamed
So, here’s another update…We are making huge progress.
DH’s direct-deposit change went into effect yesterday, so now we have one full month’s expenditure allotment (plus cushion) in our “Do Not Touch” account. There is now enough money in that account (the joint account) to cover our current monthly expenses, plus the few lingering items that we hadn’t budgeted for in the past (some prior medical expenses, personal property tax), without sending us in the red. In addition, I know that we do need to set up “emergency” type funds, and I do have a line item for that in the current budget. However, we did miss the boat on switching up 2 utility bills out of the joint account from DH’s account, so the joint account will pay his back, now that they’re current, and switched over. The line item for “emergency” at this point, I foresee for at least the next 2 months or so, will be to address hiccups like this. It’s only about $50 every two weeks, but if it doesn’t get used to cover stuff like that that arises as we switch, it will just keep growing.
We changed all of the auto-draft that was coming out of DH’s account to this joint account, plus added the internet to auto-draft (which I hadn’t done before). I got us set up on the budget plan for electric, and I am calling today to do the same for natural gas. Unfortunately, there isn’t an option for budget plan for water/sewer/trash (all one bill), but it’s pretty consistent, and I have budgeted for the highest amount we have paid over the last 12 months.
DH did some research and found out that he qualifies for student loan forgiveness due to his tenure in volunteer public safety, so we may be able to reduce or eliminate that debt.
I got us set up on Mint, and while I know I am not using it to its full potential, at least I can see everything all in one place.
We saved up, and purchased new tires for my car with cash. There are some other repairs we will have to make to the car, but it is actually something that DH and I can do ourselves, we will just have to purchase the parts (under $150 total).
We are current on our mortgage, and got our escrow statement the other day. I called them to ensure that we were current, and we decided that instead of paying the difference in escrow in a lump sum, it will be spread over our mortgage for the next 12 months, but even with that, the taxes changed (as we paid down a bit of principle this last year), and some other mortgage voodoo that actually reduces our monthly payment by about $35. I have left the budgeted amount previously set to be dedicated to mortgage, so we can make a few-hundred-dollar payment toward principle, or add it to the home-maintenance fund or similar, at the end of the year.
We declined a trip to the beach with my sister, BIL/niece & newborn (I am bummed about that), but it would have been over $2000 for us, for the week.
I have not touched my savings for the last 2 months, so that little pile of money is growing. At this point, there is no earmark for it, it is a portion of my discretionary funds that I just keep in a savings account.
While I still feel like I am missing HUGE things, and I am completely stressed during this transition period, I know we are already in a far better place than we were just a month ago.
I thought I would give you all an update, and thank you again. I really do mean it.
Maybe I can save for a cashmere sweater!
Kathryn
It seems like you’re already on a great path to becoming more financially secure.Maybe you’ve already done this, but try reading the Mr Money Mustache or JL Collins Money blogs. Their personal practices are a bit extreme, but I’ve found their advice really generally helpful and very motivating– I feel like I’ve done a complete 180 on the way I think about personal finance and life choices since I started following them. They have articles on mortgages, cars, student loans, savings, investing, vacations… pretty much everything.
Cathy
I realize it was probably tongue in check, but the comment about the cashmere sweater echoes some of the big red flags in your previous posts. You were buying birthday presents for your sister while you were behind on your mortgage. You seem to have a tendency to want to present a certain lifestyle. Make you sure you recognize that keeping up with the joneses will never give you as much pleasure as feeling financially secure.
not ashamed
You are absolutely right, and there are no excuses. Those are/were very clear red flags. But now, seeing where all of our money is, and where it’s going (or where it’s earmarked to go) will make it easier to visualize purchases like this in the future. We’re still on shaky ground until it becomes habit, and we begin to build more cushion and add line items for things like gifts. These things are in my long-term plan. Because of our inability budget and project for things, long-term for me, right now, is about a year out. I KNOW that we need to be looking much further than that, but in the meantime, we’re taking it about a month at a time.
DH and I were talking about it last night, and we both feel like now that we have this system set up, we’re actually pretty afraid of even touching that account. For anything. Even though our groceries will be purchased out of that account (which is really our only variable expense), we are both hesitant to use that account for anything. We each have discretionary funds left over after everything has been earmarked & put into the joint account. I see that the discretionary funds are for things like that, or for the occasional lunch out with friends. We each have $X in our personal checking accounts for every 2 weeks, and when it’s gone, it’s gone until payday again.
I appreciate your advice about putting the lifestyle on hold until we get it together.
KLG
Great job getting where you need to be!!!! Those are some huge steps and while it’s really stressful now, it will make life so much less stressful in the future!
I was bad with money when I made a lot and I was always stressed about it. Now I don’t make much at all but because of my husband’s careful budgeting, I never ever have to stress about money now and it feels like such a luxury. I can’t go clothes/shoes/accessory shopping often at all but I found that after about 6 months, I didn’t really miss it as much anymore and I learned to shop vicariously through my growing stepdaughter who actually needs new clothes.
Susedna
This is all great news. Good on you for showing some willpower on a big expenditure (that beach vacation did sound nice.)
Anon
This is getting old.
Scroll Wheel
Hi there! I’m your scroll wheel. You can just roll me down if you don’t want to read a post.
To not so ashamed–keep on providing updates! It’s nice to hear your story, and I know that if I were in your situation, having a community that cared about my progress would help with keeping myself accountable.
Godzilla
I’m with Scroll Wheel, the updates are really motivating.
+2
Ditto, as someone who is dealing with some similar issues, I welcome these updates and I’m rooting for you OP!
Blonde Lawyer
These updates also provided a much needed warning to many of us to keep an eye on our finances and to actually budget before things get out of control.
Dr Q
You probably won’t see this Not Ashamed, but I’ve found your posts really really helpful. I’m on the brink of a bad financial situation, and your posts have been inspiring to me to really clamp down and keep things from getting out of control. I’m not sure that there is a nice way to say “Thanks for being a warning case”– but I did want to say that you probably helping a number of people with your posts. So thank you.
Not A Jerk
I would much rather you go away than her. Bye!
Frugal doc..
Not to me!
I am inspired and encouraged each time I read of the OP successes. This is a great learning thread/reminder for everyone….
There is so much waste in our consumer driven, profit driven, ego driven, stock-market gains driven economy that it is heartbreaking. To see someone turn around to help prevent personal crisis is encouraging.
M
+1 to all these responses. I will never understand why the anonymity of the internet makes people thing they can be mean. Just because you aren’t interested doesn’t mean others are not. I love reading budgeting successes so keep the updates coming!
PinkKeyboard
I think it’s impressive how hard she is working and doing such a good job… You are just being mean. This helps motivate me to know that everyone can make such great changes in their life.
Sydney Bristow
Awesome job! You’ve made huge progress already. Good for you!
not ashamed
The cheering squad is making me all verklempt! Thanks for all the encouragement. It definitely helps me to stay accountable. And y’all are so thoughtful with both the motivation AND the been-there-done-that advice/warnings/different viewpoints that it has been really eye-opening, but also gaining perspective and getting some really solid advice.
Bottom line is, we don’t make a lot of money. Combined, my hubs and I don’t make 6-figures. At all. Hardly close. We do live in a low-cost-of-living area, but it doesn’t make a difference if we didn’t know what we were doing with all the money we were making. Sure, we should have done this YEARS ago, esp. before we had kids, but we didn’t. So there. Not everyone comes from financial savvyism. But we are learning it, and hopefully it will really get us somewhere, earning, saving, planning, and not just survival, if you know what I mean.
Honestly, it’s pretty encouraging to see our money grow from nearly nothing, to combined 4-figures in the joint account to cover expenses. We were trying to make ends meet (theoretically, we should have been able to) without seeing the big picture. Now we have the big picture and can anticipate expenses that are regular, and plan for those that aren’t.
I will keep poking my head in from time to time, because I know you ladies have some of the most solid advice that I’ve been able to get yet. What a relief!
mer
Thanks to a tip from this site earlier this week, I finally got the Frye boots that have been on my wish list for years! Any tips on things I need to do to make sure they last? And any recs for locations in DC area that would be able to do these things? Thanks and happy Friday!!
clerk
I’ve been periodically cleaning mine with saddle soap and a cloth. And then I use mink oil (only because my mom happened to already have some… I don’t think I would buy it again for ethical reasons). I’m sure there is an ethical alternative to mink oil if that’s something you care about as well.
Ellen
Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I cant believe it is already Fruegel Friday! I love Friday’s and casheamere V neck sweater’s with a nice Blouse underneathe! Great find, Kat!
As for the OP, I have alot of expereince with leather boot’s in NYC. You have to do more then use Saddel Soap. You also need to use MINK OIL. Have your shoe repairman or cleaneing lady put saddel soap on it initialy to CLEAN the leather, then have him POLISH the leather, and then after it is all cleaned and polished, THEN have him/her put MINK OIL on the shoe’s and let them sit for at least 24 hour’s before using.
When I was in college I had a pair of Fry Boots, but I did NOT know any of this, so I used them w/o treateing them and in DC, and they got RUINED after I used them in the winter, got salt on them and went on the toepath along the river and stepped in mud and possibley horse poop b/c horse’s sometime’s ride there. FOOEY!
I am goieing home this weekend with Myrna to get some time with Mom & Dad on LI. Benjamin texted me and said I should plan on comeing to DC in April. I hope we are NOT still being audited or the manageing partner will want me to do thing’s with him. I told him it was OUT of my (and his) hand’s so what difference would it make.
Margie wanted me to meet her in the City to go shoppeing at L&T today at lunch, but the manageing partner forbid me to go out with her, b/c she alway’s spends alot of money when I am with her, and sometime’s the manageing partner makes ME return the thing’s. FOOEY b/c I like Margie. Frank said I should go, but I do NOT want to get the manageing partner mad at me b/c he is also noticeing that Mason is alway’s hanging around Lynn’s desk and he does not think I am giveing Mason enough work to do. DOUBEL FOOEY!
kjoirishlastname
DH bought me a pair for my birthday–I have also been wanting them for YEARS (like, 15). They’re well-crafted with really substantial leather, so I suspect as long as you clean them the same way that you would a true saddle, they’ll last forever.
Saddle soap, Murphy’s Oil Soap or a clear glycerine bar work really well for cleaning.
mascot
I got some leather cleaner and conditioner at Allan Edmonds for my leather boots. The manager there suggested monthly treatments to keep them in good shape. I haven’t noticed a color change in the leather.
DC Association
As far as a cobbler recommendation in DC, Corrective Shoe Repair on 21st street just above P in Dupont Circle is the absolute best.
Baconpancakes
On this note, does anyone have a good source for information about how to clean and care for different leathers? I almost had a heart attack when I realized I had been just about to ruin my first grownup purse (D&B Vacchetta leather) by putting leather conditioner on it when I went to the D&B site and read up on their recommended leather care.
Anon for this one
If any of you lawyers out there are able to give me some clarity and ideas on the situation below, I would greatly appreciate it. I’m including very limited details about a situation a friend is facing.
The scenario: person has been in jail for several months awaiting a bond hearing (he is facing capital charges). The bond hearing is taking two sessions, and the conclusion is coming up shortly. If this person were to receive bond (which I understand is unlikely, but still possible) does he walk free from the hearing? Or is he released hours/day(s) afterwards?
If this person is released on bond, what are some actionable steps my friend can take to protect herself? For example, one thought I’ve had is booking her a hotel room under an alias so she doesn’t have to be at her home. I’m looking for other ideas such as this for an extreme (although again, entirely possible) contingency situation.
(I do realize that if the judge thought this person were a threat he would not issue the bond, but having a plan for emergencies seems to offer comfort, so I’m trying to be a helpful friend.) Thank you.
Killer Kitten Heels
I know you’re trying not to out your friend, but her options may vary depending on why she’s afraid of this person.
Regardless, she should talk to the prosecutor – in a state where I practiced, a stay away order from witnesses/victims was pretty much standard when someone accused of a serious crime was released, and if her fear is grounded in a specific threat, the prosecutor can raise that at the bond hearing as grounds for denying the person bond in the first place.
Ultimately, these questions would be best answered by the office of the prosecutor prosecuting the person – your friend should reach out to that office, and ask if they have a victim advocate or other victim services person on staff who can talk her through all of this (even if she’s not the victim of the crime, these folks are usually social workers and, at least in my experience, are helpful).
mascot
+1 to all of this. She really needs to talk to the prosecutor’s office.
Anon for this one
Thank you both, but for the purposes of this exercise, can we assume that’s not a viable option? Again, I can’t get into the details and thank you for understanding that. I’m thinking of it like the Dixie Chicks sing: “He walked right through that restraining order and put her in intensive care.” There is a no contact order in place, but that doesn’t actually prevent him from showing up on her doorstep. I’m wondering, if he gets bond, how quickly he could be on said doorstep – if that’s 2 hours later or 2 days later… Thanks ladies.
Killer Kitten Heels
And the victim services people can answer that question for her a lot more accurately than strangers (even lawyer strangers) on the internet.
Seriously, she needs to talk to victim services. They will have resources for her, far beyond what you as a layman and friend can provide.
Killer Kitten Heels
Also look for a local hotline for victims of domestic violence – even if this particular situation isn’t a domestic violence issue, they should have resources for her on safety planning, which it sounds like she needs.
Lafayette 148
It depends. Do you have any sense of how judges are in your jurisdiction. My judges generally do not give bail on murder charges (let alone capital charges). Bail is generally to avoid flight risks and prevent danger to others (both statutory rules, but also philosphical underpinings of bail). Is either documented here? If not, my judges often do not give murder bail (usually with lesser murder changes — aggravated manslaughter / manslaughter) a 10% option or require property to be posted. So is this defendant a person of means? Even so, it can take a long time to post property or other collateral, but it can be done and usually the person’s lawyers have talked to the jail administration about mechanics. It is so jurisdiction-specific. Based on my experience, I haven’t seen capital defendants out on bail. Honestly, just call a bail bondsman who is near the courthouse and just ask on no-names basis — they will know. But if you are truly that worried that you can’t call and your friend needs to hide, just hide.
Bonnie
If someone is in jail, they normally have to be processed out from the jail usually later that day. But I agree with Killer Kitten Hells, your friend needs to talk to the prosecutor and the victim advocate.
consumer patent law
Anyone know anything about consumer patent law? Hubs and I have a really good idea for improving an existing product, but don’t want to go anywhere with the manufacturer, until we know a little bit more about protecting our rights and our idea. I don’t know that I would want to patent our design ourselves, because that seems like reinventing the wheel. I’d rather sell the idea to the company (if they’re interested), if that were to be profitable.
Thoughts?
k-padi
So much could be going on here that there is no simple answer. Get thee to a patent attorney!
SMSS
+1000, and NOT one of those “we help sell your idea” inventor rep companies. to a real life patent lawyer, ready go!
Curious
Anyone else really surprised at the wardrobe inventory thread yesterday? 50 pairs of shoes, 53 scarves, 16 suits….wow. Next time DH complains I shop too much, I’ll show him that thread. :)
Legally Brunette
I was surprised too. I’m really happy with my small, well curated wardrobe. I think I would be overwhelmed by the number of clothes that some people have. As it is I find that I don’t even wear everything that I own and I don’t even have that much. But, to each her own!
Killer Kitten Heels
I will say I think some of that is a little bit age-dependent, given that posters span a really wide age-range here. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone who has spent the last 20 years in Biglaw litigation has 16 suits – considering how long higher-end brands can last (especially if you’re not required to wear a suit every day), it’s entirely possible to accumulate that many suits just through natural progression, without being some crazed binge-shopper. Same for shoes and scarves – I have silk scarves that are 10 years old, and I’m not even 30 yet. I wear them infrequently and care for them as well as I can, so there’s no reason I won’t have them for another 10 years, but at the same time, it doesn’t mean I’m not going to buy any additional scarves, since styles do change, and I’m going to want new things from time to time no matter how many great items I have at home.
RR
I have 16 suits. I’ve been practicing 15 years, and I’m a BigLaw litigator who appears in federal court often and wears suits to work most days. So, I certainly have more suits than the average woman, or even the average female lawyer. In a different life, 16 suits would be excessive. In mine, not so much. I could probably purge a couple, but I also need to replace a couple I purged recently (e.g., I need a new charcoal suit). Right around 15 is the right number for me. Four of them are black wool, a couple are more memorable tweeds, a couple are summer cotton. I also tend to buy really classic suits, so I have suits that I have had for literally 10+ years that are still in great shape. I also find that I have a hard time getting a great fit in a suit, so when I do I hold on to it. So, of the 16, there are a handful that probably need to go, but I’m afraid I’ll miss them and won’t be able to replace them.
I don’t think though that my wardrobe as a whole is excessive. I don’t also have 50 scarves (although I could totally see that as scarves can be beautiful, classic pieces that don’t go out of style). I only have 2 dresses. I’m actually laughably far from being a binge shopper–I just tend to buy classic things and keep them forever. :)
anon-oh-no
And to my point below, who is to judge whether someone else’s wardrobe is “excessive.” Some people just like clothes and variety more than others.
RR
Or have bigger closets.
I find the size of my closet to be the biggest limitation on my wardrobe. :)
Susedna
We haven’t always agreed on things on this site, but just wanted to chime in to cosign this x1000. De gustibus…
NOLA
RR – as I answered to baconpakes yesterday, my answer to an old house with small closets is “room as closet.” I have 3 bedrooms and really only need 2 and I don’t need an office (laptop and file cabinet suffice), so I have a bedroom set up with storage for shoes, clothes, yarn and knitting stuff. They share space with my cat, who has her perch in the window and the litter box in that room. It works pretty well. I got the idea from a friend, who gave me a rolling clothing rack. I have the chrome shelving from Home Depot and I keep my shoes in the boxes stacked on the shelving. Or, I have my purses in the dustbags lined up along a shelf.
RR
NOLA, I so wish I could have “room as closet.” Unfortunately, the 3 kids refuse to share their rooms with my closet so I am stuck until we buy a bigger house or remodel. I’m contemplating remodels that would claim more closet space for my imaginary shoe friends to become true friends.
NOLA
Darn those kids… living alone with my kitty does have its advantages.
anon-oh-no
I just take over closets in other rooms of the house, and rotate seasonal clothes. and have an entirely separate closet for shoes. Pretty clothes an shoes make me happy. Not in a material way, but in a way to express myself , artistic way.
and thanks, susedna.
Senior Attorney
When I end up back in a house, I am totally having a whole room for a closet!! I have a whole Pinterest board of room-as-closet ideas!
And I was surprised at how few clothes most of the posters on that thread have…
Lady Harriet
I’m definitely on the younger end of people here (mid-20’s), and I still have a ton of clothes. However, I don’t buy them new. Almost everything I’ve bought comes from a thrift store or garage sale. I have a similarly-sized friend who is about 10 years older than I am who likes to pass her hand-me-downs on to me. I have clothes and scarves that my parents wore in the 70’s and 80’s. I even have clothes that I was wearing 10 or 15 years ago that I still like and wear. The only small part of my wardrobe is shoes and bras because I have to purchase those new and I wear unusual sizes in both. I’ve probably spent less on my large and fun wardrobe that will last me for years than my peers who have a smaller closet of short-lived Target and H&M clothes. My job isn’t high-powered, so I definitely have more time than money to get things, but it works for me.
Famouscait
On the flip side of that, I was surprised by how few items some folks had! The way I’m rationalizing it in my brain is that because my work place is creative business casual, there’s almost nothing in my closet that serves only as a work piece. Everything I have (and there’s a lot there!) can be worn off-hours and on the weekends, etc. At least, that’s what I’d tell my husband to explain the quantity….
NOLA
Agreed. My work and off-hours wardrobes blur because I work in a place that can be casual or business casual. I dress up a bit more than some, because of some of the work I do. I also wear heels during the week that I wouldn’t necessarily wear on the weekend except to church. I think, also, for me, that my shoes last because I don’t walk on my commute – so when I buy new shoes, I either give away old ones, or keep them if I’m still wearing them. So they build up. I have some black Bandolino ankle booties that I’ve had for years and still pull out occasionally. My weight has fluctuated so I tend to have a lot of sizes in clothing.
Miss Behaved
Completely co-sign. Nola and I work in similar environments. I don’t have her shoe collection, but that’s because I have a “hard-to-fit” foot. I do, however, have many clothes. My weight also fluctuates. I’ve been working for almost 20 years, in a variety of industries.
I live alone so my disposable income is spent on me. And, most importantly, I have 2 walk-in closets so I don’t have an urgent need to pare down my wardrobe.
anon-oh-no
This. I was way, way more surprised by how little clothes and shoes so many people have. At least given the fact that this is a FASHION based blog for people who presumably work jobs (at least the target market) that require dressing up for work.
I like clothes and shoes. And I can afford them. No need to judge having 100 pairs of shoes or 15 suits.
Cat
I’ll admit it, I was surprised in the opposite direction. I have a large wardrobe and enjoy using probably 2/3 of it at least once per year. The other 1/3 is clothes that get sporadic wear (maybe I didn’t have any winter weddings that year) or clothes that are currently too small, but within shouting distance (and are good quality classics).
meara
I don’t know about others, but I was only counting work clothes! If you count random pieces of clothing, and jeans, and tshirts, and sweatpants, and workout clothes…um, a heck of a lot more.
DC Association
I was not surprised at all. As someone who loves to shop, well, just because I already have 5 pairs of black pants somehow never stops me from buying another. And I’m more of a quantity over quality person, and that’s another reason for the accumulation. Not to mention not being extremely diligent about getting rid of items that are no longer worn. I wish I approached my wardrobe like you do, but I just don’t.
Also, I just don’t think 50 pairs of shoes is a lot at all! Especially if you live somewhere with four seasons.
Killer Kitten Heels
Same could be said for almost anything, when you live where there’s four seasons – for example, the heavy wool black pants you wear in January aren’t going to cut it in July, so even if you’re meticulous and only buy “what you need,” you still need 10 pairs of pants (5 winter pants, 5 summer pants), compare with the 5 that someone in a warmer climate could get away with.
Lafayette 148
I can’t get rid of the sorority – law school dean’s c*cktails – pre-recession summer law firm party – judge’s party part of my wardrobe (and it keeps getting larger). The rest is under control, but the fun / going to church in the summer part of the wardrobe could take up its own closet (and has too many good memories to be thrifted, unlike work clothes that are sitting around unworn).
I can’t quit you, fun clothes.
First Year Anon
I think it really depends where you live. If you have constant temperatures pretty much year-round, yes, maybe that many shoes and clothes is a lot. But I live in a place that regularly can get as cold as 0F and as hot as 95F. That means I need super warm jackets and boots in winter, but also lots of sundresses and tanks for summer too, along with everything in between on the spectrum. It’s more important if you walk everywhere since you are exposed to the elements more you need to be better prepared on either end.
RR
This too. When you have 4 seasons, that greatly expands your wardrobe needs.
Anon
I was one of the posters with the least amount of items and I live in a four-season climate. Then again, I’m very, very rarely the best-dressed person around.
Equity's Darling
I only skimmed it, but if anything, it’s just pushed me to really purge my closet and go with a more “high quality, low volume” type closet. I currently have way too much clothing, and yet I still have nothing to wear.
I think I’m going to make a mission of it, and take on one drawer/portion of my closet each weekend for the next couple of months.
I think one of my worries is that a “high-quality” closet will cost more and more, or even be unattainable, because it seems like everything is made so poorly these days.
roses
Totally echo OP’s sentiment about showing that thread to DH! I have about 20 pairs of shoes, all seasons included (though I may be forgetting some formal shoes that I only wear to weddings and such), and he thinks I’m nuts.
Baconpancakes
I have about 30, including hiking shoes, snow boots, summer-wedding-only shoes (yellow Seyschelles strappy wedges – perfect, and the only thing that will work for those), and commuting shoes. My SO has… four? He thinks I’m nuts, but at least 20 of my shoes are season or activity specific, unlike the black work boots he wears for hiking, walking, to work, out, and once, to a wedding. I didn’t even have to put the kibosh on that – his friends made fun of him when they saw the photos, and he reluctantly went shopping for dress shoes the next day.
HSAL
I’m another one surprised by how few items some people had, though I realize I have way too many clothes. That was part of my reason for using the spreadsheet – I get to see what I wear and how often I wear it, and pare down the excess as I go along.
Miz Swizz
I was surprised at both ends of the spectrum because I realized I have absolutely no idea how many items of any piece of clothing I own. I know I’m on the low end for shoes (large feet, plantar fasciitis so limited selection) but anything else I don’t think I could accurately guess. I have some definite wardrobe holes and some excesses but to put a number to any of it seems daunting. Like I’d have to confront why I have tons of sleeveless workout tops but not enough jackets/cardigans when I clearly spend more time at work than working out.
Pink
that’s because you have to wash the workout tops after every wear vs. a cardi, which you can use multiple times before washing and having it out of commission. :o)
Kontraktor
I was surprised at how few things people had frankly. But, I think it all depends on tastes and your needs for work.
My work environment now is on the more casual side, but I travel a lot and do conferences, so my items need to range the gamut from more casual business casual items, to dressier items that travel well to more formal, stuffy looking things for presenting or client meetings. Some of our conferences will be 3-4 days long, so that requires 3-4 dressy separates outfits that look sufficiently different. When I moved from DC to my first job in CA, I pretty much had nothing that was very business casual, and it was a super relaxed tech environment where everybody wore jeans and ratty t-shirts. I literally looked ridiculous walking into work each day in my more formal DC garb, and I had colleagues come up to me and blatantly tell me I was unapprochable and made a bad impression because of how I dressed. Don’t work there anymore, but I bought quite a few casual items because of that; things like colorful jersey tobs, dark denim skirts, chino-type J-crew crops, linen jackets. Didn’t own those before, but found I had to to remotely fit in.
Add to the fact that I moved from DC with 4 seasons; completely agree with those who say not all items work for all climates. Add to the fact that in DC, between humidity in summer and sludge/grime in winter, I had to clean items so frequently. I had hardly any clothes for awhile (I think 3 pairs of dress pants total), and I literally had days where I would shivering heading into work because all my pants were dirty and I simply didn’t have ‘winter’ skirts or ‘winter’ sweaters to wear instead. Now that I am in CA, I can get away with lighter items more, but even so we have mornings in the 30s and afternoons in the low 70s, so layering is important.
Finally, I enjoy collecting and hunting for items, and luckily I like just about all that I have and everything more or less fits (working to exercise more to help with the items that don’t). I like having clothes I just wear vs. work clothes and casual clothes. I was really bleh and frumpy for a long time growing up, so I like having a selection of items I like to choose from every day to feel cute and put together. I also like having the ability to wear unique outfits from time to time and make interesting combinations.
But, some people don’t like shopping, they have more steady tastes, they don’t need as much variety to be happy, etc. We are all different or work in different environments that are more or less ‘uniformy’ and all that. So, I think it makes a ton of sense there is a range of collection sizes. :-)
Bonnie
Not at all. I’m a litigator and have been wearing suits several times a week for about a decade. I probably have 30 suits now, many of which are memorable suits that I bought on sale and only wear a few times a season.
Two Cents
It was interesting to see what people had a lot of (or a little of) in terms of items. I’m not a shoe person AT ALL and have 5 pairs of work pumps. Others have 50 pairs of work shoes. But, I have a huge weakness for dresses and would have 20 dresses if I could (I have 12 now). Others I saw had just 2 dresses. Different strokes for different folks!
NYC
I just want to thank everyone for their very thoughtful comments the other day about practicing in NYC v. big city v. small city. I definitely wasn’t trying to imply practicing law in other big markets was any less prestigious than NYC. I would be very happy with the legal markets in Dallas, Atlanta, LA, Chicago, etc. and would not be concerned with a loss of prestige. I was getting more at a comparison like NYC vs. Louisville, where the market is more regional and less likely to lead back to bigger national-level firms.
(Also, I have no illusions that life as an AUSA in a major city would necessarily be any easier lifestyle wise than biglaw.)
JJ
As a Dallasite practicing law, I can tell you that no offense was taken by your comments. I hope you and your husband are able to come to some decisions about what is best for you and for your family. If you ever do decide to try out Texas (which I highly recommend), there’s a good group of us here.
RR
I don’t work in Louisville, but I work in a very similar size city (maybe just slightly larger) and for a firm that has a Louisville office. My comment stands. There’s really interesting, prestigious work being done in markets like Louisville. And the work-life balance and COL advantages over places like NYC are extreme.
I wasn’t offended though. I hope you find a good path for you.
Kontraktor
Don’t work in law, but agree with the general sentiment there is interesting and prestigious work in a lot of places, especially now that large international companies are headquartering in smaller cities due to tax advantages.
Anonymous
Does anyone use a diva cup or something similar? I am going travelling for 4 months later this year, and I don’t want to pack 4 months of “supplies”, but the diva cup seems so unsanitary
Diva
YES! I love it. I’ve used it now for a little more than a year, and I love it SOOOOO much.
Not unsanitary at all, provided that you can wash your hands, and the cup, when you need to change it. I’ve never had any leaks, EVER, even when I was learning it. It does have a learning curve, and even now, sometimes I don’t get the installation quite right, and have to take it out and re-adjust. No big deal. Diva recommends that you change every 12 hours, which is pretty much what I do, but there are occasions where it might be 14 or so before I can get to a non-public (multi-stall) bathroom. I suppose I could be a little more prepared, and carry some feminine wipes or similar with me on those days, but I’ve never had a problem with it, so I’m not too worried about it.
What pushed me over the edge to using a cup instead of traditional stuff was HATING the feeling of a damp string after peeing. That’s a lot of TMI, but that was a sensation that I just couldn’t stand at all. With the cup, you don’t have to remove to use the bathroom (though if you don’t get a super-good insert, you can push it out, if you KWIM–so just be aware). But, I no longer have to face the feeling of damp string (and surely I’m not the only one to ever experience that)
If you aren’t ready to make the jump and shell out $30-some, you can find SoftCup in most grocery or mass-market stores. They’re disposable, or semi-disposable (they have 2 types–one *should* be changed with every use, which kind of defeats the main purpose of no-waste, and the other can be used consistently during one cycle.)
The SoftCup inserts & fits a little different, but the concept is the same. The benefit of the softcup is that it is shaped and inserts like a diaphragm, so if s3x while having your period is funky to you, you can wear a cup during. TMI, but DH said he could feel it, but he said if it meant that he could get it during all 4 weeks of any given month, it was a sacrifice he was willing to make. How magnanimous of him.
In any event, I will never go back to traditional/disposable feminine care. Totally worth the investment, IMHO.
Anon
Complete TMI, but in order to avoid the “damp string after peeing” feeling, tuck the string inside with the rest of the traditional thing.
rook
this.
diva
Yeah, I tried that, and it still didn’t seem to help. But, YMMV.
More TMI
Is it pulling out the damp string that bothers you? If you have to change it, remove the old one before you “go”, and then insert the new one after. If you forget, use toilet paper. And echo the above about tucking it, I’ve never had the string just dangling there wet…
Dulcinea
OK, I have always wondered this. How does this work in a public restroom with multiple stalls? Do you just come out of the stall with the full cup in your hand and rinse it out in the sink in front of everyone? that would make me uncomfortable.
Anon
Unless you have an extraordinary heavy cycle, you may not need to do this. I have never once had to in the 5 years I’ve had a DivaCup. I always make sure I’m good to go before I leave the house in the morning and by the time I get home, I can change it in my bathroom or in the shower (just pour straight down the drain). If you anticipate needing to change it midday, though, you don’t need to rinse it out every single time. You can just take it out, dump the contents in the toilet, wipe it with TP or any special wipes you might prefer to bring with you, and re-insert it. You can save the soap and water for next time you’re at home.
Anon
How is it unsanitary? I get that that may be your initial reaction, but if you do some research, I think you’ll find that there isn’t any evidence for it being unsanitary. I also have found that it has less of an ick factor than a used tampon collection in the trash. I have one and it is wonderful in every way – easy, long-lasting, takes up no space, doesn’t have to be changed as frequently (I do once or twice a day), non-toxic and no risk of TSS, great for sports, great for overnight, no longer have to spend $100-150/year on supplies – I could go on. If you get one, I assure you will not regret it.
Anon
Also, I forgot to add one other huge plus – no waste! I always hated using cotton products that just instantly go into a landfill. There would be a ton of waste from just my usage and when you multiply that by all the women in just the U.S. alone, you can really see how a cup can help reduce that amount significantly.
k-padi
I tried it. I didn’t have much luck and kept “leaking”. I guess I never figured out how to position it correctly (yes, I tried all of the things the Internet said to try). When it worked, it was pretty great. So I would try it out before you leave just to make sure it will work for you. For travelling, just make sure you have a place to boil the cup for 10 minutes every month.
If you are going to a civilized area, can you just buy supplies when you get there? It’s daunting at first but I never really had a problem. Have you considered using BC to stop your period completely for 4 months?
roses
Another option, if you’re medically able, is to explore continuous birth control pills that enable you to skip your period. Talk to your doctor about either starting something like Seasonale, or if you’re on a monophasic BCP that works for you already, you can ask about continuous use to skip your periods. If the travel is not for a few months, you could also explore getting a hormonal IUD that often results in period cesation.
Orangerie
If you go this route, start a full cycle ahead of your travel schedule to make sure it works for you. There is usually a period of spotting/ “breakthrough bleeding” involved when you switch from a 1-month BCP cycle to a 3-month one.
More TMI
Totally agree that you should test it. The pills that cause you to skip do not work on me–I will get breakthrough bleeding during the week that would’ve been my period (if I was on a traditional 28 day pack with 7 placebos), and then a week or two later get the full blown thing. Not exactly the best way to cut down on supplies needed, if you end up being similar.
ugh
Ugh – I’m trying to do the continuous pill thing for medical reasons but my doctor said I could do it on my usual ortho-tri-cyclen. I skipped my first period no problem but a week before what would have been my second one I started bleeding and haven’t stopped. My doc thought it was another med I’m on and took me off that one but I wonder if it is the skipping placebos issue. God I hate being female sometimes.
Seattle Freeze
To Ugh – you can’t do continuous use on a tri-phasic pill – you’ll need to switch to a monophasic pill, like Ortho-Cyclen or a generic equivalent.
CKB
I love my Diva cup, but I have fairly light, short periods, so ymmv. I’ve been using Diva cups for about 4 years now. I have very slight leakage, so I always wear a panty liner. I’m blaming that on the size/shape of my cervix after having 3 children, largest was just over 9 lbs. Inserting it too a little getting used to, but isn’t an issue at all anymore. I am able to insert it in the morning, not worry about it all day at work, then clean it out & wash it when I get home in the evening, and then repeat. I don’t like running with it in (I can feel the end and it’s a little irritating), so I still use tampons for that. I will never go back to tampons full time if I can help it. If it works for you, it’s an amazing product and I would highly recommend at least giving it a try. I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but for me it’s awesome.
Oh, and for the person asking about using in public stalls. The few times my flow has been a little heavier than normal & I’ve had to clean it out at work, I dump it in the toilet, clean it best I can with TP, put it back in and then wash it as soon as I get home. It’s a little messy on the fingers (sorry, tmi) but I wash my hands well before & after doing this. I’m not very squeamish, though. I’ve never had an infection related to using the Diva cup.
Diva is the best
I’ve used the Diva for about 4 years now (including lengthy periods of travel to a variety of countries) and have never looked back. I find it so much more comfortable than tampons and it doesn’t leak. Plus as somebody above noted, you only have to change it twice a day (I usually change it when I wake up and right before bed) so there is a pretty low likelihood that you will need to change it in a public restroom. As long as you wash it out with soap when you change it, it is very sanitary. Diva also recommends replacing the cup every year or so.
hoola hoopa
Definitely not unsanitary so long as you’ll have access to clean water and soap at least at the beginning and end of cycle, although ideally twice a day when you empty and replace. You can also boil them at beginning and end of cycle if that makes you feel better. (I’ve done it for several cycles and the silicone held up fine – although I stopped once I chilled out about it).
Agree that you don’t really need to deal with it in public bathrooms because you can go 9-10 hours without dealing with it. The first two days of my period are very heavy, so on the odd time when I really truly can’t be to a private bathroom within ~6 hrs on those days, I wear a light pad along with it in case of overflow leakage. Or I just dump in the toilet, wipe with toilet paper, and replace.
I love mine. I’ve been using it for years and will never go back to tampons or pads.
Lunette
I’ve used a cup for a few years now and I love it. No more unsanitary than the OB tampons I was using before, because every other brand was causing a reaction. I agree that there’s a learning curve, so I’d try it out well in advance of your trip if you can. And also, the different cups are slightly different sizes and shapes and one brand may fit you better than another. I started with a diva and now use lunette and it works much better for me. I also turn it inside out because the ridges caused irritation. I did a lot of reading online and there are a lot of tips out there for making it work for you. The point being – give it a little time and do some reading if you’re having trouble adjusting at first. It’s worth it in the long run!
Blonde Lawyer
Haven’t read all the responses but I’m a huge softcup fan. They are disposable and wouldn’t fix your traveling w/ supplies issue but for me they are sooooo much better than tampons and I couldn’t stand pads even as a teen.
tesyaa
Feeling old – showed my Olympic-crazy teen daughters the iconic (to me) 1984 ice dancing routine by Torvill & Dean on YouTube, and got a polite “meh” in response. Anyone remember the emotional moment when Torvill and Dean got perfect 6.0s for artistic impression? That performance still gives me an emotional high.
Old
Was just having a conversation with some folks in an organization I’m in last night, about Tanya Harding. None of them had any idea who she was. I asked one of the guys how old he was in 1994. “2” he replied. SMH. He said he was in elementary school when 9/11 happened. I was in college. Eesh.
But, such is the way of life as a permanent resident in a college town
Susedna
I have had the same exact conversation about Tonya Harding with those from a …later vintage. :-)
Miz Swizz
I made a comment about Tonya Harding, my husband did the responding Nancy Kerrigan Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy and the people on our sports team had no idea who either one of those women is. And then started telling us how old they were in 1994. It was eye-opening, to say the least.
Orangerie
Eh. I’d attribute that more to obliviousness than age.
I was 5 when that happened and I still know the whole story. It’s inevitably discussed by commentators during every winter Olympics broadcast.. and there’s also never a shortage of articles about it online.
Anonymous
Same. I don’t remember the actual event (was a toddler at the time), but there’s been coverage of the story every winter Olympics thereafter.
Sydney Bristow
I can’t believe it was 20 years ago already. I was 10 and super into the Olympics. Tonya Harding is also from my home state so I remember so much about it.
KLG
My 13 year old stepdaughter asked us why the Olympics are never held in the US. Her dad and I were like “they were just here in 2002 and then there were summer Olympics here in 1996!” And then she reminded us that she was born in 2000 so how would she know that…
Jo March
Mat leave freak-out TJ.
So today is my last day of work before mat leave. I know I should be really happy but I’m actually kind of freaking out. I’m going to he home for 11m (I know, I know, cry me a river), and I’m pretty worried about the whole loneliness+isolation+not using my intellectual brain factor. And I’m scared that I’m going to hate being home with Baby Bhaer and just not be very good at this whole motherhood thing, even though I am SO READY TO MEET HIM ALREADY (lol).
Plus I’m freaking out about how this is totally going to change my relationship with Professor Bhaer. We’ve only had about 2.5 years with just the two of us and now things are going to be different forever. Our sex life has gone totally downhill during my pregnancy, and I’m scared it’s going to stay that way, both because of time and because I feel like I’m never going to look like I used to.
And then I also feel kind of neglected because I am in a large, non-cohesive unit and no one has asked to take me for lunch or do anything and I’m totes feeling sorry for myself. :(
I know this is all very silly, but apparently the hormones are working overtime today.
Susedna
Hi! So good to see you posting. I’m glad the Baby Bhaer will arrive soon, and I don’t think your worries are silly at all.
They are rational concerns – many well-constructed studies on happiness, and specifically marital satisfaction have shown a *temporary* plummeting of the happiness rating while there’s a newborn. What’s interesting is that some parents cope well with it, and others don’t. I think one key initial step to coping well with it, and addressing this issue is awareness and willingness to try to solve the problem together.
As for the massive amounts of alone time with Baby Bhaer — will you have a part-time nanny or au pair? It may help make your maternity leave less …isolating if you know you can regularly get out to do stuff, see friends, go to a cafe, library, etc.
Now, my disclaimer here is: I’m a diehard Auntie, not a parent, so I’ve never dealt with any of these issues you’ve described. I know there are many parents here on this site, who can offer up their experiences and learnings (and greater wisdom.)
Jo March
No nanny or au pair (right, the other thing I’m freaking out about is the big cut in income :p), though my in-laws are likely willing to help.
I do have a new mommy friend from pre-natal yoga who is due 2w after me and lives pretty close, so I’m hoping we’ll hang out.
Anon
I had a mommy group – just 3-4 of us that got together at a set time once a week – we showed up late if we had to and wore whatever (yoga pants/nursing tank); we took turns hosting – just coffee and store bought cookies most times. We still get together 3 years later and I knew none of these ladies before baby. So nice to talk to someone going through the same things and to talk to an adult that wasn’t my husband or mother.
anne-on
Does your doctor’s office, or heck, even your town office a new mom’s group? My pediatrician hosted a weekly group (which was great since the docs also popped into to answer any new-mom type questions). The Y, the library, and the meetup groups in my town also all have new mom groups. I’d try to make it a point to get out at least once a week, and try to walk outside at least daily if you can. Making myself shower/get dressed/get out into fresh air did a huge part in helping me still feel normal when I was home with a teeny baby.
RR
You may be a little lonely at times, but for the first few months you are likely to be busy. After that, you just need to seek out a little intellectual stimulation and company.
It will totally change your relationship, but it’s very likely to change it for the better. Seeing my husband with our children and how much they adore him is awesome. It makes me love him that much more to see how much they love him.
The sex and the body worry, try to give yourself a pass right now. You are getting ready to birth a baby. You get a pass on worrying about sex for a month or two at least. Try to appreciate the feat you are about to accomplish. Your body is awesome. No, it won’t ever look exactly the same, but you made another human being. That’s pretty cool, right? Give yourself permission to not worry about how you look for 4-6 months. You can and likely will get back to a point where you love your body.
JJ
I agree so much with all of this. Especially the relationship with my husband. Having children together has made me love him even more than I did when we were childless.
This weekend will be 6 months after my second son was born and I’m just now getting back to not flinching when I look at myself in a mirror. Yeah, things don’t look like they used to, but I’m working on it and the pay-off is worth it.
RR
My daughter is almost 6 months, and ditto. But I ended up loving my body even more after my older children were born than I did before.
Coach Laura
RR is wise. Great advice.
Regarding intellectual stimulation: Someone here mentioned pod-casts for long driving/bus commutes. After you settle into a routine, maybe you can carve out time to listen to interesting TED talks or something not work related that interests you. Or listen to books on tape for a book club. Eleven months is a long time and while you’ll be in wild-n-crazy baby mode for some of it, it will settle down at some point.
Anon
I missed my colleagues and work but being off for the year turned out to be a nice career break. It did take three months for me to stop checking my email all the time though. Once you’ve been through the initial 6-8 week adjustment phase, get yourself out of the house – mom and baby yoga or music classes or strollercise can be great way to connect with other moms.
Be gentle on yourself about your expectations about how things will work with your partner – hormonally I wasn’t interested in being sexual for a while after baby was born. It took at least a year after baby to feel back to my s*xual pre-baby self – I found getting back into activities that I did pre-baby helped a lot (for me – yoga and pilates).
In terms of baby care, I wasn’t really a baby person before baby but I sort of ‘just knew’ what to do with my own – that said, if it doesn’t feel natural to you – that’s okay! You’ll get the hang of it. Reach out for whatever help you need but be confident and trust your own feelings/instincts about things.
mascot
I think all of those feelings are totally normal. One of the things that I think helps with that loneliness feeling is to find other new moms (check your local hospitals, look on meetup and ask around for support groups and mom groups). There’s going to be a learning curve where you feel like you can’t get out of the house fewer than 2 suitcases worth of gear and omg, what if baby does ____. And suddenly you get to the point where you can handle most any situation and your confidence comes back.
Also, and this is important, try to make time for your marriage. Find a baby-sitter and go out to dinner. Watch a movie after baby goes down. Put baby in the stroller, grab some coffees and stroll around the park. Try to talk for at least 5 minutes about non-baby things. This period of adjustment over the course of a decades long marriage will really be just a blip in time.
OC
Love this. Date night is so key.
Also, go to the local playgrounds and try to meet other moms. It will give you some adult interaction and they can also be great sources of information.
Remember, once you get the hang of it, you can do almost anything with a baby in tow. Go to a cafe and enjoy a pastry, walk around the mall/downtown, go for a run with a jogger. Do all of the stuff those of us stuck at our desks fantasize about.
hoola hoopa
Don’t feel silly. These feelings are really normal and actually signify to me that you have a healthy idea of what’s coming your way (…as compared to my coworker who, upon us asking about whether she had family coming to help or frozen meals stashed, said exasperatedly “We’re *just* having a baby!”).
Loneliness, isolation: Have friends/family visit, join a mom’s group. Get out of the house at least once a day. Go to the store to buy one item. Walk your neighborhood, the mall, Ikea, whatever. Just get “dressed”, out of the house, and see an adult every day.
Not using intellectual brain: Get a kindle if you don’t already have one. I have read a TON while on leave with my babies. It’s a great way to spend a naptime because you can be essentially motionless and silent but get to think about something.
Professor Bhaer: The mister and I had been together about the same length of time with our first was born, so I feel you. Yes, your relationship will change, but not necessarily for the worst (overall). It’s really great being parents together. You have to rely on each other, which can cause stress but also closeness. You’re not dating much as a couple, but you go on “family dates” which are fun, too. For most, bedroom life is… in flux (to put it nicely) for the first year or so, but IT WILL GET BETTER. Tell him over and over that you love him and still think he’s s*xy and repeat together that it will get better. Here’s a great description of what to expect: http://www.aintnomomjeans.com/2014/02/sex-after-baby.html
I felt like I was drowning at first, but it gets easier every week and then suddenly you realize that the babe is 6 mo old and you’re really getting the mom thing down. It’s overwhelming in the moment, but it really is a brief period.
CKB
Great advice. And as the mom of 3, and celebrating our 20th anniversary this summer, let’s just say the bedroom has never been more fun ;)
Silvercurls
Yes, it’s overwhelming, but it doesn’t stay that way forever.
Take good care of yourself so that you have some energy to enjoy being with your baby! They can be amazing companions, as long as you’re willing to live on their terms: very much in the moment which means no obsessing about what has already happened or what’s going to happen next. Babies are also good conversationalists and listeners. Walking around behind a stroller (or whatever baby-mobile you’ve got) is good exercise. Sitting next to a sleeping baby is also a pretty nice experience because here is this fascinating small person all content, and you get to feel happy about creating that contentment!
If you don’t click with one moms-and-babies group, try another. And enjoy watching Professor Bhaer being a dad with your baby. In fact, try to enjoy it all as much as possible.
Jo March
You guys are all awesomepants. Thanks :)
clerk
I know there have been tons of threads on this in the past, but the wealth of information out there confuses me and I’m hoping to get some advice on my particular situation.
I will be starting big law in the fall. Currently in year two of my federal clerkship. I have about $220k in federal loans (yikes, I know), obviously I’m on IBR right now. My clerkship starting bonus will be $50k, I’ll get half when I start and half six months in. I have about $21k in outstanding credit card debt.
My thinking is this: Pay off about $12k of credit card debt with the first half of my bonus. Use the rest ($3-4k) for travel, since I’ll have a month off, and I know this will cause some controversy, but I’m not ready to give up on my travel plans just because of the cc debt. I know the best decision would be to put all of it toward cc debt, but the thought is just so awful to me. It’s the last time in a long time I’ll have so much time and freedom to travel.
Then, put about $1500/month month toward the cc debt til it’s gone, which will take about 5-6 months. Use the second half of my starting bonus (about $15k after taxes, I think?) to finish off any cc debt (though I think it will be gone by then), put the rest into short-term savings/investments (see below-not sure what short-term savings should look like).
When I start at the firm I plan on making out my 401(k) (they don’t match, unfortunately). I also think a good savings goal would be $600/month until I pay off cc debt, at which point I would up that to $1500/month.
As far as my student loans… call me crazy but I’m thinking I’ll make the minimum payments, which will be about $2100/month. This will allow me to save (retirement and shorter-term) fairly aggressively. And I really don’t plan on staying in big law long- ideally I’d like to go back to government after 2, 3, or 4 years. So I feel like paying them down aggressively might be throwing money away since another 8 years in government could get me loan forgiveness at some point. I know making the minimum payments won’t make a dent in the loans, which does concern me, but I just don’t know that paying them down aggressively makes sense? If I did that, I would certainly have to forego maxing out the 401(k) and saving aggressively.
I guess my question is, is it crazy to make only the min. payments on my loans, with the intention of eventually going back to gov’t and qualifying for loan forgiveness, and on the other hand maxing out 401(k) and saving more aggressively?
Another question- what do I do with the money I’m saving? Accumulate a nest egg (how much? 15k?) and invest the rest? Mutual fund? CD? I’m so ignorant about these things.
I have no intention of buying a house anytime in the near future, if that makes a difference. So I’m not super interested in saving up for a down payment. I’m single, also.
Thanks for reading ladies
Anonattorney
Read a bunch of personal finance blogs and books to get an overview in personal finance. I think it’s always better to do more than the minimum payment with loans, but I agree with you that it’s also important to build your 401K.
Your short-term savings is your emergency fund. The goal is to build up enough to cover 6 months of expenses in case of job loss or health issues. This is also the account you would draw from for unexpected large expenses (car breaks down, travel for family emergency, etc.) instead of putting it on a credit card. There have been a number of comments on thissite discussing different types of short-term savings accounts for emergency funds.
clerk
ok, thanks. I have something called the PNC “virtual wallet” account, which is like 3 accounts in one. One of those accounts is a “growth” account where I currently put my little savings. But I’m not getting any return on what I put in there, which is why I’m wondering at what point I should start putting savings into a mutual fund or other investment vehicle.
Anonattorney
Check out this thread: https://corporette.com/2014/01/22/emergency-funds/
And this one: https://corporette.com/2013/11/04/tarte-amazonian-clay-12-hour-blush/
Also, just do a search on thissite for “emergency fund” or “CD” and more threads will come up. I’ve gotten lots of good advice here.
Anonattorney
I have another comment awaiting moderation with links to some threads on thissite where people discussed where they put their emergency funds.
I built my emergency fun in a run-of-the-mill savings account, but once it got big enough (around $20K), I split half of it off and had my financial advisor open a brokerage account. Now I still have about $15K in the savings account and the brokerage account has grown significantly (with some additional contributions) to about $40K. I use the savings account for “expected” emergencies (car expenses, small health expenses, etc.) and am keeping the other account as a rainy-day fund.
LH
You don’t need 3-4k for travel. You should use 1k max and put the rest toward debt/loans – and I say this as someone who LOVES to travel and cuts all kinds of things from my budget so I can do it. But spending 4k on a trip now is financially irresponsible, given how much debt you have and the fact that you may hate Biglaw (many, many people do).
Kathryn
Agreed. Splurging on a huge travel stint instead of paying off your credit cards will basically mean you’re compromising your future investing potential and counting on future income to pay for something fun now.
However, it’s totally reasonable to not pay off your student loans aggressively, if they’re around 4-5% interest. You can use that extra money to make higher returns in your 401K/taxable accounts.
Kathryn
Oh, and to answer your other question, those 401K/investment accounts could all be in index mutual funds. They have super low expense ratios and follow the entire market, so they’re less risky than picking individual stocks or mutual funds, but still get returns of 7-12%.
clerk
unfortunately the rate is more like 6-8% (which seems so ridiculous to me, given that they’re federal loans and I am not really a default risk).
to wildkitten below, yes, I am accounting for taxes.
AIMS
I am not going to tell you that you should pay off your CC debt ASAP before you do anything else, but I will say that you should at least look at one of those calculator tools that will tell you how much extra you’re paying in interest by doing that. It could be in the low thousands depending on your rate and how long you take to pay it off. So if you do decide to do that, you need to just treat it as a purchase. I.e., “I’m paying $1600 extra to go on my vacation now instead of paying off my debt.” If you’re set to do that, I would look into transferring your CC balance to a zero/low interest CC, which will usually only give you a year for the low rate, but hopefully with your soon to be high salary you will both qualify for one of these and be able to pay the balance off within that time. And I do totally get the desire to travel.
As for the gov’t employment plan, make sure your loans all qualify and you have nothing outstanding that doesn’t (or pay that off aggressively). Also, the one problem with this plan is that it is assuming a lot — that you will be able to find a qualifying job, that you will be able to stay in it for the required 8 more years, that the program will still be funded…. A lot can happen in that time. My big fear would be that you if anything goes wrong, you’re screwed by paying essentially nothing but interest all that time. Also, keep in mind that it may or may not be all that affordable for you. IBR on a fed clerk salary is different than IBR on a career gov’t salary, which could be more along the lines of $80-$100K + (depending on where you are, and over time) — so that will still be a payment of $800-1000/mo. or more. So while that’s a lot lower than your loan payments would be otherwise, it’s still won’t necessarily be an easy burden to shoulder, particularly if you don’t rein in your other spending habits. And getting married can have an effect on that too (though I am not sure on the particulars).
Diva is the best
I’ve been working with a financial planner for the past few years, and her advice regarding allocation of my bonuses is always to allow myself to use 10% as a “splurge” on myself and then to split the remaining 90% between savings and debt repayment goals. Although a lot of the advice that circulates says to pay off all debt first, it’s important to have an emergency cushion built up so that you don’t keep relying on the credit cards if something unexpected comes up. Even though you have a plan in place for building your savings after you’ve started earning a paycheck, if something comes up within the first month or two of employment you will likely have to resort to credit cards. Once you have a comfortable savings in place, you can focus more on debt repayment and other financial goals.
I second the advice that others gave you regarding looking for 0% or low interest balance transfer rates.
Wildkitten
Are you remembering that you’ll have to pay taxes when you do these calculations? I know when looking at $$ for a new job it’s easy to forget about the chunk that will to to taxes.
Elysian
Your plan isn’t necessarily bad on its face, but one of the benefits of paying down debt is that you have more options than just this one and only one plan. What if you don’t get the government job you want? What if you do get it and hate it and can’t stand to spend 8 years at it? What if you get sick or in an accident and can’t work any more? What if Congress eliminates the debt-repayment plan you’re relying on before you can take advantage of it? What if you change your mind and want to buy a house and can’t because you can’t get a mortgage with your debt-to-income ratio? Your student loan can’t can’t be dismissed in bankruptcy – if your plan goes off the rails at all, you might regret not paying down that debt when you had the financial capacity. My concern with your plan is that you’re going to be stuck in it. And you may not end up liking that in the long run. It just doesn’t sound like you have a Plan B.
Elysian
This was a reply to Clerk, above.
ugh
Break ups suck. Me and my bf of a year and a half broke up last night. Not feeling very good this morning. Could use some uplifting advice. It was mutual and definitely for the best (no wrongdoing, but we simply realized the spark was gone and that we are better off apart), but it still hurts. He was an amazing guy.
Silvercurls
Hugs. Take care of yourself and give yourself time, space, and encouragement.
The second-to-last paragraph of this article* says it very well. Yes, it’s about divorce, not a breakup, and about divorce within a very specific cultural community, but I still think it applies to other sorrows in other settings:
“ ‘It’s a new beginning,” the rabbi told me, kindly. ‘Don’t look back. Go forth, become the person you need to be.’ ”
* Divorced From My Husband, and My Faith, by Tova Mirvis, February 19, 2014, 9:30 PM. Retrieved February 21, 2014 from opinionator(dot)blogs(dot)nytimes.com(slash)2014(slash)02(slash)19(slash)divorced-from-my-husband-and-my-faith(slash)?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0
DC Association
The hardest part about your type of breakup is that it isn’t because you stopped feeling the way you feel about him, it’s because you know it is for the best where the future is concerned. I broke up with my BF of about a year a few weeks ago and it was for similar reasons. I felt like I was going to vomit for about a week. It’s ok to feel bad. Allow yourself to feel bad, cry, eat french fries, etc. etc. etc. talk about it endlessly with friends or don’t talk about it at all, but I think, for me, trying to be busy was key, to at least sometimes take my mind off of it.
I remember one day, I thought, “Hurrah! A whole three hours went by without my thinking of him! Success!”
ANP
PSA: Lands’ End Friends & Family sale is on. Just did some serious damage!
Jennifer
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