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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
RLP Newbie
I am taking a solo trip to Rancho La Puerta in early December. It will be my first time visiting the Ranch, and I’m so excited to get away, meet new people and try new things. Have any ‘rettes visited, and can you recommend must-do activities while I’m there?
Mrs. Jones
OMG you will love it so much. I’ve visited 11 times but only in the summer. Consider arriving in San Diego the night before so you can be on the first bus to the Ranch Sat. morning. Try everything but also leave yourself some downtime. DO NOT MISS BINGO WITH BARRY. I probably like the mountain hikes best. If you’re into cooking, take a cooking class. All the fitness classes and instructors are fantastic. Ditto for the spa treatments, which I recommend doing often if not daily. Jewelry making and watercolor are fun and popular. Watsu in the pool is pretty amazing if they offer it then. I cannot say enough good things about the Ranch. It will change your life for the better.
Senior Attorney
I’ve never heard of this place but this post makes me want to go!!!
NOLA
Ditto!
Anon
Thirded.
Anonymous
Can we have ‘rettes week there?
Anon
I would seriously go to this.
Sunflower
I had a fabulous week there. I’m not an early morning person at all, but the sunrise hikes are not to be missed. I went in February and really enjoyed having a fireplace in my casita.
Senior Attorney
OMG. FIREPLACE in my CASITA!!!!
Anon
I’ve never been but my mom and aunts are obsessed with this place. It sounds like it has something for everyone (super active or super chill, social or introverted, etc). From the sound of it there’s a core group each week that goes the same time every year, but I’ve heard from my whole family (not just my mom, who can make friends with a rock) that everyone is incredibly nice and open to new visitors. There was a Washington Post article a few months ago about how obsessed people get with the place, so I think your biggest danger is wanting to go back every year.
Anon
I would really love to do something like this without the exercise aspect. Just spa, relaxing, mindfulness, etc.
Anon
I haven’t been to this place, but exercise classes are optional. You can choose to just do spa stuff and lie by the pool instead. From their website, this place looks a little more fitness-focused than other destination spas so you can probably find one that is less focused on that. But I’m sure you can also go here and not exercise.
Amy H.
It’s definitely possible to have a mindfulness/relaxation focus at Rancho La Puerta rather than all hardcore fitness — there are meditation classes every day and things like restorative yoga, “stretch and relax,” sound healing with crystal bowls, bird walks, jewelry making, sculpture and watercolor and photography classes, the meditation hike and silent dinner someone mentioned above, etc. There are also mindfulness and meditation specialty weeks where the invited presenters focus on that. It’s a place that is very focused on all-around wellness and balance, not just cardio and weight lifting. And it’s about half the cost of places like Miraval and Canyon Ranch….
Sf
I went once and still fantasize about it 12 years later.
Take as many classes as you can. The variety is amazing. Also at meals you can ask to try both options. I wasn’t there to lose weight and the food is delicious.
Anon
Same here, from my visit 9 years ago.
My suggestion is to pace yourself so you can enjoy the whole week. I think some people overdo the first few days out of enthusiasm.
I recommend the morning hike to, breakfast at, and then tour of the garden.
Also either the group dinner or the hike in silence (I did both), which was such a unique experience.
I had booked some spa treatments in advance, which were nice there but no nicer than at home, so for a repeat visit, I likely would skip those.
Amy H.
Just got back from a week there with my mom — our fifth visit together and my sixth, since I went solo a few years back. It is a phenomenal place to go for a solo vacation/retreat — you can have as much or as little interaction with others as you like. I still have great friends I met that solo trip.
My favorite things to do are the early morning mountain hikes and the Organic Garden Breakfast hike — you hike two miles to the cooking school and garden, eat breakfast there (with hot chocolate and chilaquiles, usually!), then get a tour of the garden from Salvador, who is the head gardener and amazing, and then hike two miles back. I also do a lot of yoga, taking both the fundamentals class and the Level II class right afterward some days. Restorative yoga at 4pm Sun., Tues. Thurs. is great. Otherwise I’m often at the Villas Pool all afternoon. You’ll find favorite spots — I love the library, the relaxation room at the Women’s Health Center, and the upstairs relaxation room and roof deck (with jacuzzi) at the Villas Health Center. You don’t have to have a treatment scheduled to just hang out at either health center.
Second that Bingo with Barry is awesome, and also recommend booking a pedicure at the salon for the first afternoon. The first-timers talk Sat. afternoon is really good too. It’s all wonderful and blissful! You’re going to have an amazing time.
Irish Midori
This dress is perfection.
Leatty
+1
anon
I love this!
kk
I wish it came in tall sizes!
nylon girl
Great pick! Her picks are always right on!
ElisaR
agree!
Anonymous
Yes, it is beautiful.
jwalk
It is VERY pretty. I tried it on in person and found the sleeves to be too baggy, but it may be perfect for someone else.
Jane
I’m trying to work on my executive presence. I’m 32, short and super curvy so don’t necessarily look like a traditional idea of a CEO when I walk into a room. What are the things you’d suggest? Any resources also welcome other than THE book about it which I’ve already read.
LawyerAnon
I’m a few yrs older than you, but I’ve had similar struggles. Honestly, one of the things that has worked best for me has been some advice I got from a mentor when I was about 29/30. He told me not to be afraid of silence. I had a tendency to compensate for being 5 foot 1, curvy and baby-faced by dominating conversation and I often ended up frustrated and feeling like I hadn’t been heard. When I started by saying something and then just letting it sit there for a bit, I’ve noticed that folks tend to pay more attention to what I say. It took some trial and error to strike that balance between how I was before and being TOO taciturn, but I feel like I’ve settled into a happy medium.
Also, I’ve reined in my tendency to think out loud. YMMV but for me I noticed that what I took for processing ideas out loud, others took for indecisiveness. So now I try to speak more decisively and save the processing phase for the colleagues who know me best and who I don’t need to be quite as “on” for, if that makes sense.
ElisaR
good advice, thanks
Saguaro
+1
Anon09er
Ignore the idea of the traditional CEO? You’ll never be a 6 ft tall white guy. I’m 43 and petite, so I get you. But I have to just expect people to take me seriously.
Anon
I struggle with this too. I don’t want to look like a CEO exactly, but I’m short and round and have a young face. I don’t feel very professional even when I’m wearing professional clothes.
TX-IHC
Maybe come up with a signature style/CEO uniform… not a black turtleneck per se but either dresses + blazers or something smaller like always wearing a bright scarf or brooch.
Ellen
Definately no black turtelnecks! That was what Steve Jobs of Apple had, and also Elizabeth Holmes, the pretty blonde who is about my age who managed to convince so many people about Theranos, her medical testing company. Dad says alot of people got sucked in to buying into it. When things were going well with her, Dad said I should be like her, and she was cute, but believe me, her tuchus was always much nicer then mine was even 10 years ago! Dad says you can get away with so much more when you are cute, and he is probably right, b/c Grandma Leyeh warned me that no one will take me serius if I start looking and dressing like a mule. FOOEY!
Anonymous
Sounds like you need to own your status instead of being insecure about it. It will rub off on others.
Atypical?
Could we hear from ‘r e tte s who don’t live in typical coastal big cities in the US, if you would be willing to share? Where do you live, what do you love/hate/find interesting about the place?
The poster the other day on housing conditions on Indian Reservations got me thinking. I had no idea, and I think a lot of the posters voiced their disbelief about such market conditions too. Not intending to rehash that thread here, I know we’ve had genuine t r 0lls before, but the conversation was, a good reminder for me that the even the US and the readership is diverse (and we have some beloved international readers too!), and to give posters the benefit of the doubt and take them for their word about their situation.
Anonymous
I don’t think anyone expressly disbelief when OP disclosed where she was looking. Indigenous communities are a known challenge in Canada and the US. A lot of people just said they would pick the interstate noise house option vs. continuing to live the house with mold/possible mold. In Canada many employers provide housing for workers coming in from outside (teachers, nurses etc) as it’s the only way they can get people to take jobs in remote areas when the housing supply is so limited.
I live in a small city in Canada. I love it. 10 mins drive and I’m on the coast hiking. Very short commutes. Very family friendly and working moms are the norm in our economic strata (lawyers, doctors, teachers, professors, vets, therapists, managers etc). SAHM are only the norm for the working class families where child care costs exceed the income they would bring in. Downsides are lack of ethnic diversity although we purposely bought a house near the univeristy so local elementary school is more diverse than average. International travel is a PITA but still doable.
rices
I feel like we live in the same city. Are you in the Maritimes?
anon
I live in a college town in the Midwest. I grew up on a farm outside of a town with a population of 400. My school was located 20 miles from my house. What I find interesting about where I live now is that it’s really a big small town because so many of its residents grew up in communities like mine. My own neighborhood feels very suburban, but it’s not really a suburb in the true sense of the word. I really do love where I live. It’s home. The downside is that you cannot cannot cannot burn bridges because chances are, your professional paths WILL cross again. Once you hit a certain point in your career, it can be hard to move around because there are only so many positions available.
I have to say, some of the outsourcing conversations here make me roll my eyes, at times. You can find someone to clean your house or mow your lawn, but the idea of outsourcing, say, your laundry? That service literally doesn’t exist. Nannies are few and far between; almost everybody uses daycare. In my hometown, finding childcare is a huge issue. Not just quality childcare, but childcare period. My brother and his wife live in my hometown, work from home, and drive their kids to daycare 20 minutes away because there are so few options.
99% of the private schools around here are church-based. If you’re not a member of those denominations, public school is the default. The whole public vs. private debate is not a thing. I find it fascinating to read about, though, because it’s so far from anything I’ve experienced. Thankfully, for the most part, the public schools here are very good and well-funded. That said, a few Montessori elementary schools have popped up recently, and I’m curious to see how that plays out.
Vicky Austin
It sounds like I live somewhere similar to your hometown. It’s 20 miles door-to-door for us in the morning. Last school year, my boss had one daughter in daycare in a tiny town 15 miles south and one daughter in school 15 miles north. They chose the (church-based, private) school, but daycare was a matter of necessity since there’s only one in our town and it’s been full for years, so next town over it was. This is a struggle for a lot of people around here – I work for a hospital and it costs us good nurses and registration staff on the regular. (Also, the growth of one particular industry out here is a little ahead of everything else, so although many families move here for jobs, the cost of living is still a little high because grocery stores, etc., are trying to keep up with a volume increase they were hardly designed for.) When I was looking for jobs out here, Indeed was rife with ads for “please come watch my kids.” (So if you’re a childcare professional, we have jobs for you!)
Outsourcing is not really a thing. Boycotting Amazon might be possible, but if you still wanted to live the lifestyle that Amazon makes accessible, you’d have to drive two hours round-trip every weekend just to get to a Walmart, five if you wanted to go to Target instead. (The part of that conversation about ‘which is really more fuel-efficient in the end’ was very interesting to me for this reason.) Grocery pick-up is available but delivery is not. I had a beautiful Pendleton blanket (graduation gift) that got really gross recently so I had to find a dry-cleaners. A local clothing store has an agreement with a dry-cleaners in the nearest “city” (loose usage of that term) where I can pick up and drop off at the clothing store and they will coordinate getting it to the cleaners. I think they send a truck up about once a week.
However, I love it here for the most part. Winters are long and gross, I live on a road that is privately maintained and currently is where car shocks go to die, and sometimes I feel like there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do (especially in winter). But we have several interesting homegrown local restaurants, the healthcare is pretty darn good quality (no bias of course), Midwestern nice is a very real thing, and the town is a growing place that’s excited about the future. My hometown was never like that, and I’ve really enjoyed getting to be a part of a place that’s optimistic as a whole.
Anonymous
I find it interesting that you position it as either online shopping from Amazon or shopping in person. Do other online shops not deliver in your area? We use Costco a lot for less frequent bulk ordering vs. multiple smaller orders. Much of the problem with Amazon is the 2 day delivery which forces in efficient delivery routes vs. 4 day or one week delivery. Costco’s labor practices are much better than Amazon. They pay their employees a living wage.
Anon
+1
Anon
+2. I boycott Amazon but do almost all my shopping online through Target. They let you condense orders into fewer/slower shipments (you get cash back for doing this too, so it’s a win-win) and by all accounts they treat their employees decently.
Anon
I’m not the above poster, but my guess is there is not a Costco in her town. Shipt may be an option for her, but it is much harder to deal with. It is not synced to the selection in the store, so it’s hard to actually order specific items. Amazon is by far the most reliable delivery service.
Anonymous
There isn’t a Costco in my town either. That’s why I order online from them.
Anon
Do many people find Amazon more reliable? I mostly order online for clothing and haven’t noticed a difference between Amazon or JCrew or Banana or Nordstrom in terms of reliability.
Anonymous
Maybe don’t shame people for choices you don’t fully understand or have the information to contextualize? Not every town in America has a Costco. My parents live in a town without one, as does my mother-in-law.
Anon
I’m talking reliability for groceries/things you would get from Target/Walmart, not clothes.
Vicky Austin
Good point, Target/Walmart do deliver some things, but not everything – they often offer pick-up-in-store in lieu of shipping to my zip code, which is moot. Shipt is not available in our area. Nearest Costco is nine hours’ drive – I didn’t know they delivered?
However, Amazon still corners the market on the breadth of their selection, which is why it’s still a player.
Anonymous
I have never been to a Costco in person as there is not a store near me but I have used their online ordering for years. The shipping options like same day fresh grocery delivery are better in the towns with a store but most everything else on their website can be ordered from anywhere.
Anonymous
If she lives 9 hours from the nearest Costco warehouse I seriously doubt same day grocery delivery is available to her.
Anonymous
I specifically said that same day grocery delivery is only available in some towns that have a store. So of course it would not be available to her – no idea why you think I suggested it would be. But Costco has a LOT of household goods on their website that are available for delivery everywhere.
Target and Walmart also deliver and their environmental and employment practices are at least somewhat better than Amazon.
So tired of people responding to every non-Amazon suggestion like all other options are useless and not applicable.
UHU
No skiing, skating, or snowshoeing?
Vicky Austin
Too flat to ski, alas! I grew up in the shadow of the Rockies though, so I might be spoiled. I want to learn to do the other two things, just haven’t made it work yet. :)
Anon
I’m from a town in the Midwest very similar to yours. When I first moved to New York City, I could not believe people got their laundry washed, dried, and folded for them. But I get it now. For one, unless you live in a new building, there is no washer/dryer in your unit, let alone even in your building. Plus with commuting on public transportation, long lines at grocery stores, and working the demanding hours that many jobs in NYC demand, I get how people drop off their laundry and get it washed over night at a 24 hour laundromat. Plus, even when I was living in apartments in the Midwest that just had washer/dryer in the building, it was not nearly as expensive as laundromats are here. In the scope of my expenses, laundry obviously isn’t making the difference, but it was definitely a cost I noticed the inflation of. I don’t personally get my laundry serviced (I hang my clothes and am picky about things I was but don’t dry), but I get how someone would want to just pay a couple more bucks than me and have it done overnight for them.
Anon
I live in the middle of Tokyo. I love it because, well, it’s the middle of Tokyo. Huge city, lots going on, fast efficient and safe public transport, great food. I don’t like the crowds or tiny living spaces but on balance I’m happy here.
Nesta
That’s amazing! Visiting Tokyo is on my life bucket list. How long a trip do you think it needs to be to be worth flying over from the US?
Anon
Not the person you’re responding to, but I’ve gone to Japan for a week from the US and thought it was very worth it. You can see Tokyo pretty well in 4 days or so, so I’d pick another area of Japan to visit as well. My vote would be Kyoto. Tokyo is also a major airline hub for Asia, so it’s possible to do a layover there enroute to another Asian destination, often at minimal cost.
Anon
Tokyo OP here. Good morning from Asia! I’d say four days minimum for Tokyo. You will need a day or so to get over jet lag if coming from N America. For the whole country, a week minimum, ten days if possible.
Anon
FWIW I am a coastal and I believed that poster. I just didn’t know how we could advise her as there were literally only two properties for sale in her very small town (I checked.)
anonymous
I’m also in a college town in the midwest. My family moved here from the west when I was in the 4th grade and Iwent to college here. The suburb I grew up in was pretty affluent. Property taxes are high and lots of McMansions. I moved to another city about 20 minutes away from my hometown. There is a big auto plant here were a lot of people work. It’s more conservative/rural than where I grew up. I’m 42 now. No kids so I have no idea about schools or child care.
I guess I’m used to suburb living and driving everywhere. It feels like each suburb has it’s Wal-Mart, Target strip mall with chain restaurants. There are smaller and more interesting restaurants in the downtown and coming up in different areas, which I like.
I’m Indian, but grew up in the US. I’m seeing a lot more Indian families that seem to have just moved here from India for IT jobs. There are several big companies with lots of while collar jobs, but then also auto plants where people will work on the assembly line.
I like living here because it’s familiar to me. My parents still live close and as they are getting older I’m glad I’m around to help them. I like that we have four seasons, even though it’s going to be in the 80s this week. Winter can be rough and cold, but I’m used to it.
Anon.
I think we live in the same place. Boilermaker, by any chance?
anonymous
Nope, Buckeye. :-)
Anon.
Ha. And I thought the auto plant would be Subaru, for sure. Well, Hi from IN to OH.
RR
Well, now I know we actually do live in the same place–OSU-adjacent here as well.
Anon
I live in a college town in the Midwest. They share some similarities but aren’t all the same, so some of these are unique to my specific town. The big pros in my town are the low cost of living (especially with respect to housing), very safe neighborhoods, the diversity (but more in the expat/national origin sense than the racial sense) due to the university, really excellent public schools, cultural and educational opportunities related to the university (lots of enrichment/summer camps for kids and we have a good theater scene for a town this size) and that most people affiliated with the university are progressive, open-minded and interested in meeting new people and making friends, since very few university-affiliated folks have strong connections to the local area. The cons are that industry doesn’t really exist here outside of the university and manufacturing (and hospitals and public schools, which are everywhere) so having a career as a trailing spouse can be difficult to impossible unless you want to commute to the big city over an hour away, airport access (we’re over an hour from any airport with commercial flights and over 2 hours from a major airport), childcare (university operates a few excellent daycare centers but they’re hard to get into and the care in the community is not great quality and also very inconveniently located if both parents work on campus), friends move away frequently since many people are only here on short-term contracts, and the fact that the people not affiliated with the university are mostly poor white people who blame minorities for all their problems (Trump won not only our state but also our county).
Totally agree with the above person that outsourcing doesn’t exist here the way it does in big cities. We had major difficulty just finding a biweekly cleaning service. Things like laundry services do not exist here. Nannies also don’t really exist (except college students who want to baby-sit part-time), which goes back to the childcare stresses. Also second the comment that there are no private schools that aren’t affiliated with Christianity. We felt pretty strongly about sending our kids to public school though, so it isn’t a big deal to us.
The finances outweigh a lot of the bad stuff for me. I love the idea of living someplace like Chicago, but professor salaries go so much farther here. We make about $150k combined and feel really wealthy here. That would not be the case in a bigger city.
Anon.
I thinking there are a few Boilermaker on here, right?
Anon
Was it the description of how far the airports are that gave it away? :P I think most college towns have better airport access than we do!
Anon.
Yep. Indy and Chicago airports and the comment about university daycare centers :)
I’m one of the crazy people commuting to Indy.
Anon
A lot of universities have daycare centers, apparently! I’ve been surprised by how many of our (non-Purdue) academic friends also have their kids in a “lab” school where university students do their student teaching for early childhood education degrees.
Oh man, I’m impressed that you commute to Indy! I actually changed careers when we moved here because there weren’t really opportunities in my field locally and I couldn’t handle the thought of commuting that far. Do you have flexibility to WFH frequently at least?
Anon.
I WFH at least once a week. No formal arrangement, but as needed, especially in winter time.
I don’t know whether I’ve read from you here before, but just in case you’re up to connecting off-line over coffee sometime, here’s my burner email:
anonforthis.purdue at the mail of g**gle.
(Also, I’m wondering whether we know each other in real life, haha.)
Anonymous
Another reader here who loves these references after growing up in Lafayette (although not living there now)!
Anonymous
I live in the Connecticut suburbs. Connecticut, and the surrounding areas, have an astounding amount of natural beauty. You are in driving distance of the ocean, lakes, mountains, hills, hiking in the woods, etc. Yet, you are a train ride away from NYC. I love snow, winter, and cold weather, which we have though some years more than others.
Overall, most people who live here are somewhat liberal to liberal, yet lean fiscally conservative. Connecticut has wide variations in income in different towns, partly driven by there are some very, very wealthy people here. What you don’t often read about is that the state distributes funding to poorer cities from the wealthy suburbs, and in fact some of the schools in poor towns are new with lots of programs and extra help.
Many of the schools in CT are great, and people move here and to certain towns to get their children superb educations. I believe the town I live in spends far too much on schools — 85%+ of our taxes go to the schools, so there is literally almost nothing left for other town services. This is one reason we are considering moving.
There are a lot of great jobs and great companies in CT. I can see the sound from my office, and I take Metro North to work every day! Many people here are a highly educated, and involved in the communities and various charities.
Connecticut is a steady, somewhat reserved, and polite state. People from areas where people are warmer & friendlier to strangers may find CT rude, but that’s not true, natives are just a bit more reserved.
What I don’t like is CT is expensive, and has very high taxes. The state budget is a challenge, yet the state government spends, spends, and spends some more. I find some of the very liberal policies quite distasteful, and the government does stupid things like inadvertently taxing food and then having to roll that back. CT also joins every lawsuit we can, even when it doesn’t really impact us. Fine if you can, but when you have budget problems, don’t jump into to every thing just to do it.
I’ve lived all over the US, plus the UK, Brazil, and Bangalore, and CT is by far my favorite place. We will likely move to be closer to my husband’s family, but without that, we’d stay here forever although we’d move to a less expensive town.
Anonymous
I live in Charlotte. It is sort of like a southern version of Connecticut, swap in a nearby river for the sound, and a lot of transplants from the generic northeast. Easy to live and work in, if not terribly exciting. Which is fine 99% of the time for me.
Anon
I’m glad you say this! We are in Westchester but I grew up in CT and we’re thinking of moving back. Prop taxes in Westchester are out of control.
Anon for this
I live in a suburb of Omaha, NE and I love it. I have a 7 minute commute and you can be anywhere in the metro area within 40 minutes. We were able to buy a very nice, brand new 2500 sq. ft. home with a huge yard for $230k. We have a low cost of living but access to amenities like restaurants, whatever services we need, and entertainment. Only downside is the politics (I’m a democrat), but Omaha is at least more liberal than other parts of NE.
poiu
Jealous. I live in a suburb of Chicago and bought a 100 year old 1600 sq ft house for $440k. I love the cultural offerings in Chicago but now with young kids I go out (a lot) less and life in a smaller city is starting to look really attractive.
anon for this
I also live in Omaha, NE, and I’m jealous of your commute. Mine is 25 min on a good day. But comparatively speaking, it’s not that bad. We, too, bought a similar sized house for a similar price, and the COL here is low and it’s a nice place to raise our kids. I definitely agree about the politics of this state though. It’s not a great place to be a dem, even in Omaha, given the overall conservative views of this state’s residents and leadership.
Anon 2.0
Happy to see some other Omaha “rettes here! I moved to Omaha from the east coast, but was not a “coastal” if that make sense. Love the low cost of living in Omaha, but honestly find the property taxes to be very high compared to the COL. Bought a nice, albeit smaller, house in the burbs with a fenced yard for the dog for well under 200K.
Omaha has more to offer than people realize but once you’re west of Lincoln, it is a ways to another major city. There are plenty of quality restaurants, a fair amount of events, low unemployment, and plenty of variety in the stores we have,
Anon
I live in a college town in the Rust Belt. Population 15,000 – and we are the population center of our county! We have a good grocery store and a Walmart, but the closest Target is 30 miles away.
Housing is super cheap, and can’t at all be viewed as an investment. We’ve put way more money into our house than we’ll ever get back out, because the absolute top of the market here is $200k, but it still costs $8k for a new roof, etc. It’s fine with us, though, as we don’t ever plan on moving. I’m a tenured professor at the local college. It’s also really hard to *rent* a decent house or apartment in town, because buying is so cheap that everyone does that instead. We had planned to rent for a few years before buying, but ended up not being able to find anything livable.
Our town is very scenic, so we do get tourists in the summer. As a result, we have better restaurants/bars/coffee shops than you might expect for a small rural town. However, the ones that don’t cater to students are nearly empty for much of the winter. When we go for a drink or a meal out, we usually know literally everyone else in the restaurant or bar. That can be nice, because it creates a strong sense of community, but it can also be stifling. My husband, who does not work for the college, gets tired of running into my coworkers at every turn. I get tired of running into my students in the grocery store while I’m trying to get my kids to behave. Obviously no grocery delivery! At least there’s a private yoga studio now; for the first 5 years we lived there, the only option was to take classes at my college with all the undergrads.
Daycare is an issue, for sure. We had to piece together a patchwork of college-student babysitters to get through my first year back at work, until we got off the waitlist for the daycare at the local hospital (which is the other major employer in town). I’ve actually had no trouble hiring housecleaners and other part-time help; there are a fair number of women who stayed at home with their kids and want to pick up some hours once their kids are in elementary school. Full-time stuff is much harder. Closest private school is in the same town as the Target. I love that everyone uses the same elementary and middle school, but I hear very mixed things about the high school in town. We’ll re-evaluate at that point, but there’s a non-zero chance that we’ll end up temporarily moving to the suburbs of the closest big city, about 45 miles away, for the high school years.
There’s a significant cultural/economic division between locals and people who move to the town for the hospital or college, which can make local politics a bit fractious.
Ribena
I live in Edinburgh, Scotland, having moved here from the London area as a fresh grad three years ago. I now live alone in a gorgeous flat I own, 8 minutes walk from work and 15-20 minutes walk from the Royal Mile. I love it to bits… although I’m thinking of moving to Vienna in a few years.
Anon
You’re the only one I want to copy so far!
pugsnbourbon
Haha same, let me know when you put your flat up for sale … I might be looking to buy :)
anon
Edinburgh is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. Although Vienna (where I studied abroad) is one of the most livable cities I’ve ever seen. Really no bad choices there!
NOLA
I studied abroad in Vienna, too! It’s incredibly different from when I lived there (in the 80s), but very livable.
Anon
I’m in Ottawa, the capital of Canada. I love it. I’ve lived in a bigger city (Toronto) and found it too crazy and just kind of soulless. Ottawa has good big city stuff (shopping, dining, theatre, art) without feeling like a big city. It’s clean and mostly very safe. But one of the big downsides is that it’s a government town so if you don’t work in the government (like me) there are fewer job options. The other major industry is tech (I don’t work in that either). And not speaking French is a big hurdle, though it’s really the only city where French matters (unless of course you live in Quebec or a Francophone area). Lots of employers will say they want bilingual employees even if you won’t use French at work, which is maddening. Our housing market has also gone insane, and it’s becoming increasingly very expensive to buy or even rent. It will continue to get worse as people move here after being priced out of Toronto.
Anonymous
Ottawa is the best.
Anonymous
+ 1. Definitely one of the most livable cities in Canada.
Anon
I live in the middle of Seoul, Korea, five minutes’ walk from my work and a major palace. I love it, it’s clean and safe and a 24/7 city with great amenities, but housing sales prices are twice what it was a few years ago. Public education is decent but everyone sends kids to multiple afterschool private institutes from a very young age (4-7 yo) because no real private school option beyond elementary school and extreme competition.
Senior Attorney
I visited Seoul a few years ago and my husband and I agreed that it was one of the best cities we’ve ever experienced. And OMG that palace!!
Lilac
I live in med-large Canadian city and I love it. Transit here is better than the US but not as good as Europe, groceries are inexpensive, and housing is reasonable though a little high. I have amazing job opportunities and excellent healthcare/social services. It’s a great place to be forever DINKs and I will never leave.
KS IT Chick
I’m in a town of 22K in eastern Kansas. We have a small university as our primary industry. (My DH’s employer, for 2.5 more days.) Shopping is … not great. Most of what we do is online (DH gets a lot of Amazon deliveries; I do most of my clothes shopping at Old Navy and Chadwicks) or grocery shopping at Walmart or Aldi’s. I used the Walmart grocery app for the first time this weekend and was more pleased than I expected, both with the ease of use and the quality of the produce & meat they pulled for me. I dislike Walmart & Amazon intensely, but I haven’t found any way around using them here.
Housing is out-sized expensive for our size, location & overall economy. Houses in our subdivision sell if they’re priced to sell, or they sit on the market for a long time if they aren’t.
The community has gotten much more forward-thinking and open-minded over the last 5 to 10 years. Unfortunately, the reverse is true of the university, which is one of the reasons DH is leaving. When we came here 25 years ago, there were pink triangle safe spaces on campus, including his office. Now, it really isn’t safe to be LGBTQ on campus. In town, it is.
DH’s new job is at the University of Kansas. The university there has more students resident on campus that our entire town has residents. It’s going to be a huge change for us.
Anon
You’re going to love Lawrence! It will be a change, I’m sure, but culturally it’s much more in line with how you describe yourself.
anon
Are you in Emporia? If so, I was there for DK two years ago – sooooo beautiful.
KS IT Chick
Yes, I am. The DK is our crown jewel, and it is one of the things I’ll miss. All of the cyclist who come for it say there is nothing like it. I’m from a much smaller town originally (my dad is still there… fewer than 50 people now), and I went to college as Kansas State.
The Flint Hills are gorgeous, especially in the spring after burnoff when regrowth has started. The open range is fantastic for motorcycle riding & bicycle riding.
anon for this
KU alum here, you’re going to love Lawrence! The town has grown so much from when I went to school but it’s such an interesting, manageable town. Housing is affordable. The library system is excellent. There is always something to do and you’re so close to KC in case you feel the urge to go to a big city. If I could figure out a way to transplant my job there I would move back in a heartbeat.
Anon
I live in New Orleans. I’ve lived here my whole life, so I generally have pretty mixed feelings about it.
On one hand, it is definitely a special place. I love the strong sense of community and culture here. I love the proliferation of small, locally-owned businesses, the hospitality here, and that there is a never-ending list of delicious restaurants to try.
On the other hand, I hate that the city’s whole reputation revolves around “partying” (and I’m a party girl, trust me), sometimes at the expense of other things. For example, it’s only funny one time that someone kayaked to a bar for a beer during a flash flood’ oh “only in New Orleans.” But when the streets are flooding every time it so much as rains, then we have bigger problems. I hate that there’s been no real efforts to improve our infrastructure or make the city more walkable or improve regional public transportation (i.e. the streetcars are unreliable and do not reach into the suburbs, where most people live). I don’t like that the older I get, the less and less I have in common with friends who chose to go the kids-route, because, despite NOLA being an oasis of blue in a red state, it is still the South, and people are very traditional here.
But, it’s home, and so it’s where I’ll be – at least until climate change does us in!
anon in MT
I’m in a small town in Montana (although it’s a large town by Montana standards). My employer is in a major city a few states away, and I work remotely and travel back and forth a lot, but I enjoy having no daily commute, having easy access to nature, owning a home (although my town is not cheap by national standards) and a slower pace of life. People are generally kind here, but my experience would maybe be different if I weren’t white – the lack of diversity is one of things I don’t like here. While my town is liberal (as am I), surrounding areas are very republican. People come here to vacation so we have a surprisingly good selection of restaurants. The area is booming which is causing some growing pains (there’s definitely a “last one over the bridge” hostility towards newcomers, although almost everyone here is from somewhere else).
SEUS
I live in Nashville. I love that it’s a small city and most folks know each other, especially in law. We have split summers here with a fairly strong focus on recruiting 1Ls, so the same group of summer associates rotates through the four largest firms in town throughout the two summers–so you know, make good choices as a summer associate in Nashville or everyone will remember you as the person who did X for the rest of your career! I also went to undergrad here, so a lot of my friends are still here and my SO is a native. I am sure for someone else this is probably a detriment though, as a lot of people in professional services are part of old Nashville or went to school at the handful of private schools together or to an SEC school for UG/law school, but everyone is generally welcoming, though it does still surprise me how much my worlds overlap and how my network is mostly thanks to these connections. I love the hospitality and the food scene. It’s a fairly progressive city. It is located within driving distance of a huge part of the U.S. and we have an international airport that flies direct to London and other cool places.
The boom has come at a huge cost though. It’s incredibly expensive to buy property here, particularly in an area where you are not gentrifying and something that is not a tall-skinny or a town home. Yards are becoming more scarce. The city wasn’t really planned for high density or the massive boom, so a lot of the houses that are being torn down and replaced are causing neighborhoods to look super weird (a ton of Craftsman homes and all the new tall skinnies way too tightly squished together–literally. One neighborhood had a ton of code violations for already-built homes because they were too close together).
The ever worsening traffic makes the commute from the non-dense areas (I would LOVE to have several acres, but this also affects folks who cannot afford to live in the city/near the city, particularly the working class supporting all of our tourism) impossible and because the suburbs are fairly conservative, transit proposals have failed. The Air BnB regulations are awful, which is causing the rents to increase on longtime tenants and certain neighborhoods (East Nashville, 12 South, Hillsboro, the Nations–basically anywhere walkable) are experiencing some serious issues with people trying to enjoy their first homes or conversely, really nice homes, while dealing with a ton of drunk Bachelorettes who could not care less. A few of the larger firms are looking to move away or have made plans to move out of downtown because the traffic and the noise levels are a little out of control and incredibly inconvenient. (Side note: If you are interested in this topic Buzzfeed did an article on Nashville becoming a Bachelorette destination and the Tennesseean just ran an article on Air BnBs causing some huge headaches for first-time buyers who are unable to afford anywhere else.)
The cost of living is also getting incredibly expensive because of this and I cannot imagine living here (city-adjacent or city core) without one, or ideally two, professional incomes. I think this is only going to get worse when Amazon arrives. We have so many cranes that there is a crane spotting website–it’s kind of crazy.
My person beef is with the scooters and hope Metro Council finally bans them. The fleet reduction and curbed hours have been helpful, but most of these are not used for last mile transportation but by drunk 2-to-a-scooter tourists who cut in front of cars and otherwise ignore the rules of the road.
Nashville is great and I love living here because I love Tennessee (Knoxville and especially Chattanooga, which are close by) and because I adore food and we have a crazy food scene, but I definitely could use some changes to all the tourism because some of us live here and it is impacting our quality of life. :)
LawyerAnon
Could use some advice on how best to support a male colleague who is also a close friend. He suffers from anxiety and depression, and is now going through some serious physical medical stuff that, as you can imagine, makes it harder to keep the chronic mental health condition under control. On the professional side, things are very much under control and there is planning in place, so I’m not worried about that.
However, I don’t have tons of experience with anxiety/depression and I would love some pointers on how to navigate things. I want to be a supportive friend without making his anxiety worse. Any ideas on things to do? Things not to do?
I would add that this guy is an only child and parents are on the other coast so local support is limited. He does have a girlfriend but that relationship has some very unhealthy aspects to it so there is some support but also tension there.
Anonymous
Why is this your job?
Anonymous
It’s not her ‘job’. She wants to support her close friend and is asking for help with how to do it.
Never too many shoes...
Ummm, because they are friends?
Anonymous
He’s a male colleague with a girlfriend. I think the boundaries are different than if he were a non work friend.
Anon
Spot on. And I really don’t see what she could do. I mean, be an open ear? Like you’re not a romantic partner so you have to keep a lot of boundaries, and you’re not his boss so you can’t give him more leeway on projects. What kind of advice are you looking for?
Go for it
Friends care for each other. It is not a “job”. Uggh.
Anonymous
He’s a coworker! What kind of support of his anxiety is appropriate? Encourage him to take leave and get professional help.
anon
He’s also a close friend! It’s right there in the post! The categories are not mutually exclusive!
LawyerAnon
It’s not my job, but this is one of my best friends and I want to be there for him.
Anonymous
Fair enough. Sorry this obvi came out quite snippy! I just think since he’s a coworker you need to be really careful about how you get involved here. The honest truth is that you being supportive won’t fix his anxiety, he needs professional help.
Anon
+1. And honestly, since you’re apparently a lawyer, you need to be extra extra extra careful. You owe a professional duty to your clients and you have to make sure any support of him doesn’t come at the expense of that duty. No friendship is worth getting disbarred over.
anon
Why on earth do you think that this will either affect her ability to carry out her fiduciary duties to her clients or that disbarment is even a remote possibility. What pointless fear mongering.
LawyerAnon
Just to clarify, this guy is getting professional help. The mental health issues are of long standing and he has a regular therapist, etc… And he has coverage on his cases and an attorney working with him who is in the loop. That’s why I’m less concerned about the plans that are in place professionally. Since the professional side is currently being handled and there are attorneys prepped to step up should he need to take leave, that’s why I’m more concerned about the friend side of things.
Since he’s a male colleague with a girlfriend, I know the boundaries are a little bit different even though we do spend some time together outside just the office. I know from conversation that things with the GF are not all stable, good and healthy but I purposely stay away from that subject unless it’s brought up to me.
I’m not looking to fix my friend. Just looking for advice on how to be a good friend, particularly since there’s a lot of health stuff going on, not much family involvement and a distinct possibility that the GF(only real local “family”) might not be sticking around for the long haul.
anon
As someone who has suffered from anxiety, here’s what has been helpful for me:
– A listening ear, and someone who will validate that my emotions are real without trying to fix the problem.
– Someone specifically asking me how they could best support me. You may or may not get an answer, but it demonstrates that you’re trying to meet them where they’re at.
– Suggesting activities that will get me out of my head for awhile, whether it’s going to a movie, watching a funny show together, going on a hike, whatever. Coffee and dinner are awesome, but it can be easy for the anxiety sufferer to slip into complainer mode.
What is less helpful:
– Overly focusing on fixing the problem, unless I specifically ask for it. My DH used to do this and it caused so many tense discussions and arguments. We’ve gotten much better at communicating what we’re asking for.
– Invalidating someone’s feelings by telling them to think more positively, or by suggesting ways that their life isn’t so bad. Trust me, the implication that you’re “not grateful” for your objectively good life is NOT a good way to be supportive.
All this said — recognize that as a friend, there is only so much you can do in this situation. Simply being there, without passing judgment, is probably the best thing you can do.
LawyerAnon
Thanks. This is all really helpful. I know I can’t fix anything but I struggle with figuring out how best to be supportive.
Worry about yourself
Yes to all of this! If you can’t let someone vent without impulsively trying to fix the issue, then you’re probably not the person they need right now and it’s best to step aside. I know the need for validation sounds silly, but it really does help because part of anxiety is getting into this spiral where you think you’re crazy for feeling that way, and that makes you feel worse. Assuring someone they’re not crazy and they’re not alone can help break that spiral.
Also, as someone who also suffers from anxiety, I hate when people treat me like I’m some toddler with “special needs.” They see me getting anxious and start speaking to me sloooowly in this caaaalm, soooothing voice that they think it helpful and kind but it doesn’t feel good, it makes me wonder what I did to make this person think they need to talk to me like that, and I feel *more* anxious as a result.
I’ve only recently learned how to set boundaries with people who mean well but aren’t helping, and how to acknowledge and appreciate those good intentions before asking them to please stop. It can be tough in the moment though, and it’s always a good idea to ask people what they need, because it shows good intentions while also respecting their boundaries.
Anon
I see where you’re coming from, but in my experience, I cannot “validate” my friend’s feelings that she’s a “total loser” and that “everything is falling apart” and “nothing will ever be good again” simply because she experienced a minor disappointment. At some point, a good friend needs to say “hey, I can see that you’re spiraling. You are experiencing a cognitive distortion (catastrophic thinking) and it does not reflect reality.” With this particular friend, simply listening and being there has given way to ENDLESS hours of negative self-talk and catastrophic thinking and it literally might destroy our friendship as well as her other ones if she doesn’t start learning some techniques, such as CBT, to counter those thoughts. I’d rather she hear that from me now than have all her friends leave her because they simply can’t take it anymore.
Anonymous
You’re not validating that the feelings are factually accurate. You are validating that it is how the person feels. Like “I hear you say that you feel like a total loser. It must be really hard to feel that way. I don’t think about you that way at all.”
anon
Yes. And, you don’t have to take that talk forever; it is OK to gently call her out when it becomes too much to listen to.
Anon
Yes, but try that conversation 100x a year for five years and you’ll see where I’m coming from. We have a group text and the other friend and I have both agreed it’s time for a conversation with our anxious, catatastrophic friend because we have spent literally years and countless conversations pumping her up, reassuring her that no one thinks she’s a loser, validating her feelings, etc. and it is not. helping. I want her to keep our friendship (and we want to keep it too, obviously), but something has got to change. CBT is far more effective than endless rumination and that’s what we’re going to suggest.
Worry about yourself
It’s fine to feel tired of having the same conversation over and over and over again, at a certain point you do need to say “I’m sorry you’re still feeling this way, but at this point I’ve heard just about all I can, and it’s clear you’re not getting better on your own, I really think it’s time you found a therapist.”
The advice given here clearly isn’t helpful in your situation, but that doesn’t mean it’s objectively terrible advice that no one should ever follow. I do sympathize with your situation having been on both sides and while I do think your insight is valuable to a degree, it seems like you’re starting to make this about you and that’s not helpful for the OP. Tough love is sometimes necessary, but I don’t think OP is there yet with her friend.
anon
From the POV of an anxious lawyer’s wife, his coworkers have a credibility I don’t when they suggest he set boundaries between himself and his work. I know that he could still lose the case no matter how hard he works, but they know much more about that, and how it feels, and what the smart amount of work is. They know what it feels like to be personally attacked by the other side, etc etc.
Also, the people he accept the encouragement from are the friends who are struggling to resolve the same issues, not the young guys (yes, they’re all young guys) who think they have it all sorted. So don’t feel like you have to have all the answers to help.
S
Be supportive but stable and *boundaried*. That’s the best thing you can do. When people are falling apart, the boundaried friend can feel like a beacon in a storm because you know they’re not going to let you get codependent or burn them out.
anon
It’s 52 degrees outside and I’m finally FINALLY wearing a dress with boots. (It was 90 on Monday, so this is truly exciting.) I know booties are more current and trendy — and I own a few — but I really do love a classic tall boot.
PolyD
Sigh… boots… I remember boots…
Signed, DC looking at record heat (96-100 degrees F) here today, on October 2. Bah.
jwalk
I know! Looks like we might get into the 60s next week but that’s still only bordering on boot weather…
S
I love a tall boot – and just got high quality historical replica ‘Hessian boots’ with tassels in the front (!!!!) that I’m really looking forward to busting out.
Irish Midori
Word. Highs are still stubbornly in the 90’s here, and I bought maternity clothes with the thought in mind that I’d need sweaters and long sleeves for 3rd trimester.
Atlien
+1
Ribena
The ‘Real Feel’ here this morning was two degrees above freezing so I layered up properly for my bike journey across town! Thick tights, tall boots, cashmere cowl, wool peacoat, the whole nine yards. I love autumn but I wish it hadn’t got so cold so quickly.
Mrs. Jones
Meanwhile I’d give anything for sudden cold. It’s supposed to be 96 today and 98 tomorrow. SIGH.
Vicky Austin
Tall boots 5ever.
TorontoNewbie
I’m getting Instagram ads for “indestructible” nylons/rights from Sheertex Sheers. Anyone have any experience? Don’t want to drop $100 if they’re not sturdy but I do wear tights all winter…
Anon
I don’t have experience with that brand. I once got an “indestructible” nylons set from another company and they were fine but super super shiny. It might be the brand, or it might be the technology, not sure.
Waffles
I have several pair. They really do seem indestructable, but they are definitely thicker than normal sheers. I like them in black as they read more like tights.
The quality is good for what they are and the customer service has been great.
Here are the issues I have had –
1. The reinforcing on the toe extends about 1/3 down my foot and shoes over the top for all of my heels. I don’t know why it needs so much reinforcing given they are indestructable.
2. They are less stretchy. Also, see point 3
3. The fit is terrible. I’m 5’7″ , between 130 and 140lb. I have tried small and small short, and neither fit at all. The waist band is substantial and is probably very comfortable but is SUPER big, to the point where it gaps and the seam along the front (waistband to gusset) puckers, and these can be seen through my clothes. Even the control top models are like this. Also the sheers are short (both the ‘short’ and ‘regular’ lengths), and because they don’t stretch well, the extra space horizontally doesn’t help out with longer length vertically.
Having said all of these, I wear them still because I hate constantly buying hose.
anon
Anyone tried Krimson Klover? I think it’s supposed to be out of Colorado. I’m looking at a merino wool dress, and wondering if about fiber quality.
Anon
No, but I’m morally opposed to anything that replaces what should be a C with a K
anon
Word.
January
+1,000,000
Anon
+1.
anon
As a Reed College alum, I have very mixed feelings on this issue. :)
anon
you mean Reed Kollege?
Ribena
I haven’t tried them but I have one from Wool& and I love it.
S
I work for an amazing, close-knit organization in tech with one supremely toxic member at the executive level. It’s kind of generally known that he will be getting the axe, but he needs to get pushed out very strategically for the health of our company and fundraising, which means dealing with him for maybe a couple more months. I have the ear of the rest of the senior staff including CEO, and the rest of my colleagues have agreed that we want to act as a buffer to protect the members on his team as much as possible.
I was wondering if anyone had been through something similar or had any strategic advice. I am under no threat from him, but we also don’t want to rile him up because he’s a vindictive narcissist who would absolutely do as much damage as possible if he felt his ego take a bruising, as opposed to letting him save face by showing himself out the door for a ‘better opportunity.’
Been There
i have. so based on your message, with the baggage of my experience i interpret this person to be the CTO/ Chief Architect or worse, CPO (VC teams’ weird obsession with the technical people also informs this assumption)
If it is the Engg Head, your best bet is to add as much Product involvement as you can without burning out the PMs. His team is likely not getting the people management they need and while it isnt their job, a good product person will be temporarily able to support the team with some of the things an engineering lead should do and also provide context to their work (thereby moving some focus away from the toxicity)
If on the other hand, this person is a Product head, bring in more infra and business (sales, legal whatever applies) influence into the team and try to pull his team into more outward-facing exercises, or on the other extreme take a hit on the product and focus on tech debt issues.
So thematically, based on who he is, reduce how much their team needs to rely on his input by adding people that can provide some of the input
s
Surprisingly, no, he’s the marketing lead! I’m trying to apply your points to this, though. Maybe just silo him into his own projects and assign more support staff to the people who report to him, like sales and opps… hmmmm.
Anon
I would seriously think you were writing this from my company and talking about the General counsel, who also heads up HR. It is … not good.
Anonymous
Anyone have a kneeling chair, or a giant ball chair? I’m a lawyer, everyone here has regular office chairs and standing desks, but no one uses the standing functionality. I am trying to build in more standing time, but my hips feel really tight (I’ve worked here almost a year and move a lot less than in my old job). I wear dresses/skirts almost every day and am not sure if an alternate chair type would be comfy or work appropriate. No specific health issues, just tight hips and trying to move a little more.
anon a mouse
A colleague used a ball chair and it popped. I think it’s rare, but it scarred me (and hurt her). If your hips are tight, work on pigeon pose or some other stretches at home.
anon
FWIW the support bar on kneeling chairs will snap under a heavy person or a tall person, because placing weight a little bit further out on the seat strains the front join much more. That’s why I got rid of mine when I married a very tall man.
Ribena
I have tight hips too. Barre classes and specifically the stretches we do at the end have really helped me, especially when I repeat those stretches a few times a week after runs.
Ms B
I sat in a kneeling chair at the office for many years until my firm decided to ante up for a more traditional office chair that actual fit short me. There are several styles; I always prefer the ones on a metal frame as opposed to wooden lathes because it is easier to step into the frame ones in a skirt without exposing yourself to the world.
FWIW, I found my chair extremely comfortable, but I got a lot of derision in my office from the older partners. My stock response was if they did not like the chair I had purchased with my own money and brought it, then they could pay for a chair that was ergonomically correct and, after a couple years, they actually did.
Anonymous
I wear dresses at work as well, and had a ball chair.
Static cling was a problem. Just sayin’
I now have a standing desk and a credenza next to it; I lean on/sit on the credenza while on the phone or when my feet need a break.
Anonymous
i bought an adjustable wobble stool that works when i sit and when i raise my standing desk. it serves its purpose when i remember to use it. . .
Anonymous
I bought the Julia CC corso como flats and love them…except they are just a little bit big. My feet swell toward the end of the day so I don’t want to go a size down. Any tips for breaking in flats that are a tiny bit big? I don’t think I need heel grippers, but they are a little loose in the heel and holy h-ll, the blisters are coming.
lsw
Putting slight padding under the toe box helps for me! Let me pull a link and put below.
lsw
look for Foot Petals ball of foot cushions. I learned this trick at a shoe store and it has been awesome for me (narrow heel).
Compartmentalizing - Tips?
I need help learning how to compartmentalize. I am terrible at it. I have Google searched and my initial searches turn up with advice along the lines of just do it! Just doing it is clearly not working for me.
Wise hive, do you have any tips for exercises I can start to incorporate into my daily life to help me shut off something bad so that I can do what I need to do at work, hobbies, etc., without the bad seeping over into the other and ruining it.
I am not looking to suppress the emotions forever, just for a certain period of time so I can focus on something else. I will release and deal with the emotions and all that, don’t worry!
lsw
Maybe resources regarding intrusive thoughts would help. I’m an extreme ruminator so I’ve been practicing letting myself think the thought, acknowledging that I thought it, and placing it firmly to the side. Repeat ad nauseum.
anon
This is something I’m constantly working on, too. I find it very very easy to ruminate.
A few things that have helped me:
– Having a “coming to work” and “leaving from work” ritual that sort of helps me shift gears.
– Listening to guided meditations to help me learn how to release emotions and avoid carrying them over to whatever I’m doing next
– Coming up with a few mantras that are meaningful to me: “This s*cks today, but it is temporary.” “What I am feeling now is real and true, but it will pass.” “Be where you are.” “What is happening with PITA Coworker makes me feel upset and worried, but I am experiencing happiness and success with XYZ.” “My work does not define me; it is one facet of who I am and what I do.” Basically, I acknowledge the emotion but counter it with something more neutral or even positive.
I didn’t believe it would work — and it didn’t at first — but making a conscious effort to take a time out a few times a day to just breathe deeply and close my eyes helps me reset.
Good luck! This is some of the toughest personal growth work I’ve done, honestly, and I am very much a work in progress. But my anxiety has lessened in the last few months, even though my situation hasn’t changed all that much.
lsw
Love this. Can you talk about what your rituals are? I think that might be helpful for me.
Pompom
Not the anon above, but a Mister Rogers style changing routine helps me. I try to change into “play clothes” (but not PJs!) right away to signal the transition. Also, I have radio stations for to work (news), and from work (the fun jazzy station that peps me up).
Cookbooks
This is what I do. I have a different playlist to listen to on my way home, and I change into lounge-type clothes when I get home. It helps me switch gears from work to not-work/home.
anon
Coming into work: I listen to music or podcasts that I love, that put me in a good mood. Sadly, I had to stop listening to NPR because I was getting too worked up. When I get to work, I slow down, get coffee, fill up my water bottle, and spend a quick few minutes either jotting down the main things I want to accomplish. Or, if I’m feeling especially emotionally turbulent, I might journal for a few minutes just to get that stuff out of my head.
Leaving work: I spend the last 15 minutes of the day planning for the next day, reflecting on what I accomplished, straightening up my desk and otherwise tidying up. It makes me feel like I’m truly leaving with a clean slate. While driving, I listen to more music or podcasts. Sometimes I’ll call my mom or sister, using the hands-free link in my car. Basically — anything that reminds me that I’m not just a worker bee, I’m an actual person with a life and needs of my own. Can you tell that I’ve dealt with lots of work-related anxiety in the past year? :)
Truth be told, therapy has helped, too, to kind of help me recognize where all my thoughts were coming from.
anon
Following. I am not good at this, but two things that have helped me are 1) journaling, during which I pretend I am physically taking the thoughts out of my head and putting them somewhere else, and 2) reminding myself that I’ve either already thought about the issue to death and I won’t come to any new conclusions by ruminating now, or telling myself that the issue will still be around in an hour, day, two days, so if I want to think about it then, I can come back to it.
jwalk
You might benefit from the “worry time” exercise (https://healthypsych.com/psychology-tools-schedule-worry-time/). You give yourself the space to think about everything “bad” that comes up, just not as soon as it comes up; you note it for later, giving you the space to be in the present.
OP
Thank you so much to everyone who has provided tips so far!! I did a very bad job at explaining my problem. Apologies for that.
It’s not so much that I am anxious about the THING or about BAD THINGS, because I have done extensive work on that part of my anxiety in therapy, it’s that if something gets me riled up/angry/sad that feeling continues over into the next thing I do. I definitely see how some of the suggestions provided so far can help me with the emotional flow over, so I will start working on implementing those tips! Just wanted to be more clear that I am not really worrying about things from a bad things will happen space. It’s just a holy cow this work day sucks and now I am going to suck at my hobby because I am in a bad head space thing (and then of course have to go back to working after I am done with my hobby)! I think I am also too reactive, so need to work on that as well!
Thank you again for all of the great advice so far – I am taking notes! This board is such a wonderful resource.
EB
Any runners here moved from a garmin watch to an apple watch? i just got an apple watch and am having fun wearing it, but am worried it won’t have the right amount of functionality for when I get back into running. I am particularly wondering if there is an app that allows you to program workouts, (i.e. timed fartleks) into your apple watch. Also any thoughts on running with either of the two generally? My garmin is on the older side, so doesn’t have all of the awesome functionality of the new ones anyways (no heart rate, steps, etc.) but the one thing I really do need is the ability to create “workouts”.
anon
Following with interest. I’ve been using a Fitbit Alta for a few years and am interested in moving to an Apple watch if I can get more functionality out of it.
Anonymous
I’ve never had a Garmin to compare, but I am pretty happy with my Apple Watch for running. There’s no native app for programming workouts but there are third-party apps that do it. I use Seconds Pro for interval training. If you have an iphone, maybe download that to your phone and see if it would cut it for your needs.
The biggest problem IMO is the battery life– if you’re running really long, the battery doesn’t last as long as a Garmin. I’ve done up to 4 hours no problem, but I’m a slower runner and as the miles accumulate (hoping to train for an ultra), not sure the Apple will be able to last the whole way.
Anonymous
Oh– just posted earlier. One more thing to know is that there’s no ideal way to transfer workout data to Strava or another app. I downloaded another app onto my phone (Run Gap) which pulls workout data from my watch and links it to Strava. I don’t love Apple Watch’s Strava app (prefer native workout tracking), but that requires the middleman to conduit. Run Gap is like $8/year or something, so it’s not a huge burden, but it is another step.
Aggie
I have an apple watch but I still run with my garmin. The Garmin’s GPS is FAR more accurate and my apple watch’s battery life is terrible. Four hours is about all I can get on the workout app which means the last half hour of my marathon I’m running without a watch…when I need it the most.
Anonymous
I agree. I have both an Apple Watch (series 4) and Garmin Forerunner 235. I only use my Garmin for marathon training and running. I have issues with the time, pace, and distance on the Apple Watch but it work well to change the song on iPhone while on the run.
Anonymous
Is it time fo see a doctor? Fell down the stairs a week and a half ago and banged my ankle pretty badly. I have full range of motion and can walk on it fine for 15 minutes, but it’s still swollen and the lump hurts when I press it.
Anonymous
Yup, and maybe an X-ray
Anon
I’m concerned that it’s still swollen. I would go see someone. The swelling for even an ankle sprain normally goes down within a week. I did have a bruised foot at one point (girl with stiletto stood on my foot at a wedding) where the swelling didn’t go away for about six weeks, and I had to wear a boot. Maybe you need something similar?
Anonymous
Yes, at this point go in. Mine ended up being broken in two places. I had walked on it for 10 days. Whoops
Anonymous
Ok thanks. Booked an appointment
Anon
UK Ladies- is 60-70K a year a liveable salary for someone working in London that would like a decent (not fancy) flat with an under 1-hour commutes, like to take a few short trips a year and not live paycheck to paycheck?
Anonymous
Not unless you want a roommate.
Ribena
Yes, I was looking at moving to London and living alone on a 55k salary a year ago and it would have been doable.
Ribena
To clarify, that’s 55k GBP.
Houda
You will probably not live in zone 1 but it is doable. You can get a railcard for most zones though it is quite expensive. Public transportation like tube and buses is good (in my experience) but trains can be a nightmare for a daily commute.
If on the other hand, you are keen on being in a nicer place of central London, you’d have to flat share to be able to still afford several trips per year.
Anon
I think there is a big difference between can you can by and pay your bills versus actually enjoy yourself, go out to dinner once in awhile, etc. Be careful that you don’t overextend yourself on rent. I have a friend who lives near the Tower Bridge and pays about 2k a month in rent.
ex-London anon
Yes. I’ve just moved away from London where I lived in a pleasant but shabby one-bed in Pimlico, walked to work, and earned £55k. Your hobbies will be travel and not having flatmates (rent was nearly half my take-home, if coming from outside the UK you need to bear in mind that your income over £50k will be taxed at 40%). I gave up getting my hair coloured at the hairdresser and going to the theatre when I moved out by myself and took up crafts and wandering down the South Bank and through Battersea Park in all weathers, but I could still eat out with friends once or twice a month, grocery shop without looking at labels, and buy the odd (inexpensive) new frock. You probably won’t have a huge amount of paycheque at the end of the month. But it’s definitely doable.
Anonymous
Yes, please factor in taxes. It is really 40%; I live in the UK and my husband works for a British company, he is taxed at 43%. So the question is, is half that do-able?
Anonymous
I have what feels like a silly question, but I’d like some advice from all the ladies on here who are way better than me at this stuff. I’ve worked with my assistant for 8 years. We are reasonably close. She is going through a rough time right now. Her aging parents are having health issues, and she is giving tons of time to them, while still giving 110% at work. I’d like to give her a little something to brighten her day. Normally I’d go with a Starbucks gift card or food treat, but that’s just not her thing. Any other ideas for something similar? I’ve given her a lot of plants over the years, but never fresh flowers. I could consider that. Alternatively, I bought a gift card for a massage at a silent auction a while back that I don’t think I’ll end up using (long story, details aren’t important). I’d love to give it to her but what do I do about the therapist’s tip then? I don’t want my gift to cost her money. I’d be happy to give her an envelope with “tip money” with the gift card, but that seems weird. The issue isn’t whether she can afford the tip or not (she can). The issue is that I don’t want to give her a gift that costs her money. Any ideas? Thanks, everyone!
Anonymous
Just buy the flowers! They’re a classic for a reason. Doesn’t sound like she has time for a massage.
aBBY
I have gifted friends a couple massage for their wedding, and did the work for them – got their availability, called the store and set it up & had them include a note to call me when it was time to tip so I could charge it to my cc. Not sure how it would work if you’re not the one making the appointment/you don’t know when she’d go
Anonymous
I’d make arrangements directly with the therapist — turn in the gift card and pay the tip up front, then tell your assistant “It’s all arranged; just make the appointment.”
anon a mouse
Give her the massage, arrange the tip ahead of time, and give her 2-3 hours of leave so she can enjoy it without feeling like she has to squeeze the rest of her life around it. The time off will be as meaningful as the gift itself.
Anon
I don’t know, I’d be kind of annoyed if I were given some time off and then told exactly how to use it. Maybe she would rather have a few hours off to do something else.
Anon
Give all the PTO she needs.
Anon
Late in the day but I’m a big fan of seamless gift cards and a note that says order dinner on me. Or ask her if there’s a day you can have dinner delivered for her.
aaanon
Earth spirit shoes and sneakers, are they comfortable? I need arch support and apparently need to relearn how to walk heel to toe. Osteopath isn’t pleased with my current footwear.
Trixie
I love Earth brand shoes and sneakers. I have multiple pairs, and they are just great for my feet. I need good arch support, and good cushioning, and they are the best I have found. I sometimes put powerstep insoles in them or my other shoes as they have a strong arch and it is a nice change of pace for my fussy feet.
Giveaways for vendors at conferences?
Our small, not-for-profit publishing company needs giveaways for conferences. What have you picked up that you particularly liked? Or, what appeared wasteful to you? Thank you!
Anon
I think all the non-consumable stuff is pretty wasteful, honestly. At this point I only take food/drink at trade shows.
Z
I got a Kindle Fire at a conference once, randomly selected during a luncheon. I definitely liked that. At the same conference I’ve seen companies raffle off gift cards, kitchenaid stand mixers, ipads.
Anon
One of my favorite things was one of those little cloths to clean your glasses. I always need those. Other than I don’t need more pens or junk.
KW
This is kind of random but once I picked up a writing utensil that had a very thin black Sharpie-type of marker on one end and a yellow highlighter on the other. I used it ’til the marker wore out!
Anonymous
I take and use sunglasses. We have about 10 pair of “Tradeshow Chic” plastic sunglasses across our cars and various beach bags.
I have taken and used the travel nail/grooming sets, cheapie ear buds, chapsticks, mini first aid kids, and the little sliders that go on your laptop to cover the camera.
Otherwise, pens or consumables (branded chocolate, mints, water bottles). Definitely not ice packs (the kind with the little gel balls aren’t allowed on carry ons), stress balls, small stuffed animals, fidget spinners, phone prop-up things. I’ve gotten a few water flasks and while they were cool in theory, I threw them out when i got home because they weren’t quality.
Rainbow Hair
Yeah, I love the conference sunglasses — no stress about keeping them pristine!
pugsnbourbon
+1 to the first aid kit – I got a really nice one from an insurance company.
Luggage tags/tag holders. People are traveling, the ones they have get lost, etc.
anne-on
Pop sockets, those slider things that you put over your computer camera for privacy, mouse pads, the “good” pens, and recently reusable stand-up ziplock containers in the quart size for traveling. If you can afford it – a nice quality reusable water bottle!
Anon
I think 99% of that stuff is junk. Just stick to consumables, especially mints. A lot of people could use mints at conferences…
TX-IHC
Emery boards or phone cord/chargers
Rainbow Hair
I have so many of the phone charging cords and never enough of the things to plug them in the wall — so maybe that?
Anon
Yes! Why does every conference hand out the cords but not the plug in thingies.
Bewitched
Apple/Android charging cords are my favorite. Or a charging cube/car adapter, but I prefer the cords. If too spendy, I like hand sanitizer or nail files (or small first aid kit?) I hardly ever pick up pens or highlighters, cups or coffee mugs, rarely note pads (although some do).
Nesta
Ooh yes, another good one — power brick.
Anonymous
Hand sanitizer is a great one!
Anon
I go to a lot of conferences. Here is what I like:
Grocery bags. I have an assortment of vendors’ logo-ed bags in my car right now.
Reusable water bottles, as long as they are not plastic and your logo isn’t giant.
Candy. Consumable and delicious (I like the little Reese’s cups.) Candy always gets people to visit your booth.
A credit card sized metal multi-tool.
A combo toothpick and breath mint thingy that is the size and style of a tic tac canister. (Split into two sides)
Eye glass cleaning cloths
Nesta
A couple that I’ve loved over the years:
– umbrella
– insulated tote bag — not your standard cheap canvas, but one with an insulating silver inner layer so it holds its structure and keeps food/drinks hot or cold
– coffee tumblers — everyone can always use more of these
Anon
I… hate having more coffee tumblers. My husband and I have about ten right now.
anon
Especially cheap-a** ones of questionable quality. They are the bane of my cabinets.
OP on the giveaways
Thank you all so much! Sent this right to marketing!
Anonymous
I still use a flash drive that I got at a conference 7 years ago. Otherwise I only take food and drink. I don’t like “stuff”.
S in Chicago
Many folks won’t accept flash drives anymore. I know our IT folks have told us to never use one without control over the origin. I don’t know if that’s just being an alarmist. But apparently cyber criminals will sometimes drop them on the ground in hopes someone will pick them up and use them. (I have a newer Mac without the ports, so just in a practical sense I don’t use them anymore.)
Aggie
I do not use a flash drive that I did not open from the container myself.
KS IT Chick
Bags for shopping that are big enough to hold a frozen pizza.
Small bottles of hand sanitizer.
White board markers.
Irish Midori
+1 for reusable shopping bags. I’m a walking billboard at ALDI with all my swag shopping bags.
Anon
I absolutely loathe drawstring backpacks. If I have to take one, it goes into the trash.
The good:
Sunglasses – so good for hiking, kayaking, etc when I don’t want to care if they get lost or damaged.
Eyeglass wipe cloths
Mini first aid kits
Hand sanitiser
Sturdy magnetic chip clips
Metal key rings
Metal bottle openers
Anonymous
I pick up sunglasses and chip clips.
anon
Just got a reusable cutlery set. Already have plenty of tote bags and coffee mugs, although just got my first travel mug. Would love a mini first aid kit.
Anon for this
My favorite swag items are a stuffed T-cell and a stress ball shaped like sperm.
For scientific conferences, poster tubes can be popular. I also loved the company that handed out small bottles of water – this was a bit before people carried their own water bottles everywhere, so it was really nice to be able to pick up a small bottle of water instead of coffee or pop.
Irish Midori
Lol! I got a stress ball shaped like a sperm at a divorce law conference. It was fantastic.
anon a mouse
reusable straws would be good.
Anonome
I like lip balms, as long as they are at least somewhat natural (rather than petrolatum).
Vicky
Can someone please share a rothys code? Thanks!
Rothy Anon
Here you go!
https://share.rothys.com/x/5NvT4m
anon a mouse
Enjoy!
https://share.rothys.com/x/zH6wqy
Anonymous
Here is another – https://share.rothys.com/x/MqaLOD
Anonymous
For anybody else looking:
https://share.rothys.com/x/CDJz95
Anon
Late to the party, but here’s a code:
https://share.rothys.com/x/wE4LZJ
Anon
Trying again due to mod:
https://share.rothys.com/x/wE4LZJ
Anon
Trying again due to mod:
https://share.rothys.com/x/wE4LZJ
Anon
Can anyone recommend an all-inclusive resort where a single woman would be welcomed and feel safe? Many of them seem to be for families or couples. I want to lie by the pool or beach and drink for a week with NO children around.
Anon
I think a single woman will be welcomed and safe at most resorts that cater to families, and probably many resorts that cater to couples (unless they advertise themselves as “couples only”, which I know some do). DH and I went to Live Aqua Cancun a few years ago. It’s adults only and was mostly couples with a few friend groups, but I don’t think a single woman would be unwelcome at all. It’s a very laidback resort with great food and we already have plans to go back whenever we can travel without the kids.
ElisaR
i think her whole point was that she didn’t want children around….
Anon
I’m confused. I recommended an adult’s only resort… She also didn’t say she didn’t want kids around, just that she wants to feel welcome and safe as a single woman. Those things are not minutely exclusive with having children around. Safety probably correlates positively with having children present.
Anon
*mutually exclusive
ollie
Jewel Paradise Cove in Jamaica – adults only, and when fiance and I went a couple years ago it was a mix of couples, friend groups, families with adult children, and single people. It’s really laid back, good food and drinks, and a few excursions included too.
anonymous
Paradisus Cancun has a separate adults only section.
Rainbow Hair
Have any of y’all worn something to a ‘black tie optional’ (professional) event that made you feel like million (professional) bucks? I have a thing that I’m dreading for dumb reasons, and I want to feel awesome, but I can’t even think of what that would look like right now. Want to inspire me with “I wore [this] and I felt awesome because [thing]!”?
Chi Anon
I haven’t gone to a black tie optional event, but I feel like MM. Lafleur was made for this.
Never too many shoes...
I have never seen anything at MMLF that I would seriously consider as black-tie optional.
Anon
For a black tie event? No way.
Anon
I used to have at least two corporate black tie events every year. I wore separates. I had two Tasashi Shoji formalwear skirts in black – one knee length and one long. (My long one showed my feet in the front and had a slight train in the back, because it was during the hi-lo hem trend period).
I wore the skirts with an assortment of button front fitted jackets that i found mostly on eBay, which i wore closed like a blouse. One was a sheer black beaded thing. One was a Chinese style gold and black satin thing with decorative covered buttons. One was lace.
I felt fab because it felt corporate enough but the looks all flattered my figure because they were fitted through the waist.
For the fanciest events I got my hair done at a salon a couple of hours before. I often stayed the night at the hotel where the event was held so that I could drink, but also so that I could nip away for a small break and freshen up. That also made me feel fab! Nothing like a nice hotel room service breakfast after a night of partying!
Anon
Also, my shoes looked a lot like these except velvet. I thought they looked really pretty with the longer skirt where my feet showed in the front.
https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/marc-fisher-kalayne-pump/399099
Rainbow Hair
Oh thank you for all of this! The event is on the other side of the country and associated with a more businessy meeting, so the hotel stuff will be taken care of. I wonder if I could get a blowout… hmm gonna check my schedule! And I am glad you mentioned separates too! I was starting to look that direction… a long skirt is so easy (and can be so pretty!) but then I feel like, as you said, the hem and waist-hitting-ness of the top has to be just right.
Anonymous
One of my favourite dresses is tadashi shoji. They have beautiful detail in many of their pieces.
Anon
I forget where you’re located, but the Antonio Melani line at Dillard’s often has great work-appropriate cocktail dresses. (Sadly, they never offer free shipping and you have to pay for returns, and many of their sale items are final sale, so they’re really a store that’s best shopped in person.) https://www.dillards.com/brand/Antonio+Melani/women-dresses
Rainbow Hair
lol I had 11 items in a dillards cart until I realized how annoying their shipping/return policies are going to be.
Anon
Right? Their clothes are so perfect for a working woman, but wow, e-commerce is not their specialty!
anon
I just got a pair of Marlene pants in black with a bit of glitter thread and I love them!
Senior Attorney
Yes to separates. I have this outfit and love it. It’s out of stock but you get the idea: https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/browse/product.jsp?productId=570240695&AID=11434176&PID=4001913&utm_medium=Affiliates&utm_source=Skimlinks&utm_campaign=AFC-CJ&utm_term=White+House+Black+Market+Redirect+Link&cjevent=12fc79e7e53811e981a8005c0a1c0e11
Senior Attorney
I meant to link to the top with the skirt.
Rainbow Hair
Which lead me to… black tie: https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/tieneck+black+shift+dress/570275610?color=001&catId=cat5669276
Ha.
Senior Attorney
Ha!
lawsuited
I wore a tailored tux with red heels to an industry holiday gala a couple of years ago and felt amazing.
Rainbow Hair
God this is what I need, but [screed about bodies and gender redacted here]
Anon
Conservatively tailored floor length red gown. It was eye catching and classy.
Small Firm IP Litigator
I splurged on an (on sale) Givency dress a few years ago and use it for this sort of thing. I can’t find a link, but it is a black matte silk sheath dress, mid-calf, and is embroidered with gold thread and gold and pink sequins. Sleeveless, but wide straps (almost cap sleeve but not quite), high neck (high enough to cover collarbones), and completely full back. I wear with gold d’orsay pumps. With a black velvet blazer, it was conservative enough to wear in the Middle East for an event I went to with a client. I love it.
Anon
On a recent political thread, someone mentioned that she makes >$1M annually. For those of you in the $750K bracket… what do you do and how did you get there? I’m in a high-paying field (consulting) but it’s hard for me to imagine the path to that kind of comp!
Anonymous
Unless you’re in finance, it is likely not to be direct cash. In my industry, you can make close to $1M but a huge chunk comes as a % of firm profitability as a bonus. Or options.
Mega Anon
I’ll bite, but I’m probably an outlier. I was an administrative assistant 10 years ago and worked my way up. I’m an 2007 grad who did a two-year detour working with a non-profit. I thought I was goign to law school after the nonprofit gig, but – Hi, Great Recession.
I totally stumbled into my current brokerage role, which is 100% commission-based (all cash) within the larger finance umbrella. I’m not quite at $750k, but close (still ramping). It’s a weird job that combines interpersonal skills (building a book of business) with strong math and analytical skills, along with a deep knowledge of a niche corner of finance. I started in that niche corner of finance as a secretary supporting a the division within a bank back in 2009 (started there because (a) job market in 2009 was brutal, and (b) i didn’t study finance/econ/business in school). I was blessed with a phenomenal boss – a woman, no less – and that helped me quickly work my way out of that role.
In my current gig, two years ago I made $150k in my first year in a revenue-generating role. I would have laughed in your face at the suggestion I’d be making this kind of money today (or ever). I knew it was possible but felt 1000% unattainable. I still feel like this year is a fluke and might never happen again, but that’s my insecurities speaking… The compensation ramp up has been steep largely because the market is good and trades continue to happen. I also have a very strong relationship with a rainmaker who is working on a 7-year retirement plan, so I’m getting the benefit of some handed off/secondary coverage business, too. We’re due for a market softening so I’m personally living life as though I’m only making $150k. I’m working on a sizable rainy day fund. My more senior colleagues frequently remind me of the 18-month period where they made literally made $0 dollars in the recession. This is not Wolf of Wall Street culture – these are incredibly, insanely smart, good people that I’m forever grateful I stumbled upon.
Not sure if any of this resonates with you, but that’s my story. I don’t need this much money. I know that. It’s my first year in this income level and I’m still grappling with how to handle it and what to do with it. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that one of my favorite things is to be on a panel, have the three guys in front of me give their backgrounds about their B-school days and Wall Street internships, and then I start with “So, I was a secretary…” (and other equally ridiculous internship roles that I won’t mention here because they will 100% out me).
Senior Attorney
I love this! You go!!
Mega Anon
Well, this is the ultimate validation. Senior Attorney, lots of respect for you and all the advice you’ve doled out over the years. I started reading here in my early days as said admin assistant… just a clueless 24 year old entering the corporate world for the first time. Look at me now, ma!
Senior Attorney
LOOK AT YOU!!!
Anon
OP here – I started reading this blog as a 22yo admin assistant as well, thanks for sharing your journey :)
Anon
Wow, that is an amazing story. Good for you! I’m in the nonprofit area right now and really wondering how on earth I’m going to move out or up.
Mega Anon
Not sure if you’re still reading, but you can. I was part of a national, well know , highly selective …corps. Ahem. You can put the pieces together. The decision to leave felt like I was plotting an exit from a cult. That’s a story for another day but I will say I took a pretty good pay cut going from a not for profit role into my admin position, which should tell you how little I was paid as an admin seeing gas it was LESS than a NFP.
Don’t be afraid to take a step back to take a giant step forward. It was really really hard to decide to do that. But 10 years removed I can say with certainty that decision has literally changed my life. Also, the years between admin and the production role I’m in now were filled with ad hoc elective coursework.
Rather than committing to a degree, I took accounting classes here, finance classes there, real estate classes somewhere else. Literally have a collection of credits from a few universities that equal no degree but we’re the key skill gaps I needed filled
Immediate. Consider picking up some online or evening coursework to fill any gap you might have that could help you move up/out of NFP life.
Abby
This is an awesome career story and giving me Peggy Olson Mad Men vibes, but BETTER.
Anonymous
I was thinking Working Girl, but BETTER!
Beans
I love your story so much. Thank you for sharing!
ElisaR
i love your story and i love that there was another woman who helped you out in the beginning…. WE ALL NEED TO HELP OTHER WOMEN WHEN WE CAN!
NYCer
My husband is a portfolio manager for a large investment fund and makes in the seven figures. He started out in investment banking (M&A) at a bulge bracket bank, went to a top business school, graduated in 2009, and got extraordinarily lucky to get his current position after working at a small hedge fund for 3 years after b-school (and has performed extraordinarily well).
His annual salary is less than mine (big law), so his bonus (cash) is where the significant portion of his compensation comes from. He also receives shares in the fund as part of his bonus each year.
Anonymous
I’ve earned $1 m or close for the past few years, although I am entering a phase now where my income will drop. I achieved this through salary, plus annual bonus, plus long term bonus in stock. For example, a salary of $250,000 with an annual bonus of 0 – 150% in cash. The long term bonus is a 3-year rolling, and is 0 – 150% of salary in stock. So, in year 4 of the program, you earn your salary plus annual bonus plus the first year of your 3-year rolling bonus, which is stock that has appreciated in value. It was key to be highly rated every year — the scale was 1 to 5, and if you earned a 4 or 5, you’d be well rewarded financially, and if you weren’t a high performer, you made a lot less. This was not a tech company or a start up, but a very traditional, long established company, although my jobs have been technical.
To get here, the short story is I’ve been self supporting since I was 14, and managed to get an MBA and a post graduate certificate. I also started as a secretary, and did all sorts of jobs — farming, waitress, etc. while working my real job. My success was a combination of smarts, hard work, integrity, and some good bosses. Luck as well, but it takes a lot of work to be in the right place at the right time.
Now, I have a different job and am thinking about retiring. I’ll walk away from a similar long term bonus, although not quite as lucrative, which I am OK with. You didn’t ask, but the most important thing I’ve done financially is I never spent a bonus; I lived on my salary and invested the extras, and will be retired at 59.5 or 60.
anonforthis
It’s all in the bonus for me. I am a plaintiff’s side litigator at a small firm. We do everything on contingency. I’m a non-equity partner, so I have a base and bonus. Last year my base was $240k and my bonus was $1M.
Anon
Thanks to everyone who answered my question about travel credit cards the other day. I did the math and the annual fee will be very worth it for the Chase Sapphire Reserve given how much I spend in the travel and dining categories, so I went ahead and ordered that one. I have another Chase card and have been really happy with their customer service, which was another reason I went with the CSR.
Anon
Do you mind saying what day that was? I missed it and have tried searching every combination of words to try to find it, unsuccessfully.
Anon
https://corporette.com/contrast-piped-blouse/#comment-3953761
Anon
Thank you!
Anon
What is the minimum number of rooms / bathrooms or toilets / house facilities /square footage that you would personally want, if (i) you were a DINK family or (ii) family with a couple of young kids? I’m looking at apartments in my HCOL city. Hoping to add a couple of kids in the next couple of years (but may decide not to go that route), and trying to find a place that will minimally suit our needs.
2 bed/2bath apartments at 700 sq ft in new buildings in mediocre school districts with 1.5h commutes to the city are maybe 50 per cent of that, with slightly better schools. But I really hate commuting with a passion, and 1.5h is not really feasible in Biglaw. What would you do? Very few monthly rental options available, and they are all super expensive for what they are. HHI net annual income is ~$300K, but likely will be reduced to ~$200K if I go in-house. Caveat that we live in a non-major market outside the US and all of the few cities with jobs for us have similar housing situations.
Anon
Sorry, middle paragraph about apartment options diaappeared:
– 2bed 2bath 600 sq ft in mediocre school districts with <1h commutes: $1.2 mil
– 3 bed 2 bath 900 sq ft in similar areas: $1.5 mil
– 4 bed 2 bath 1200 sq ft in similar areas: $1.7-2mil
Anonymous
I would do the three bedroom so you have room for a nanny or other live-in help which you may need with long commutes and busy jobs. Kids can share a bedroom for the first 5-6 years if needed. Go for the 4 bedroom if you have family visiting regularly for longer periods and you need a guest bedroom in addition to the nanny space.
Anon
What can you comfortably afford? You say nothing about how much you saved for down payment which can drastically change the outlook. Personally on a HHI of 300k, I don’t think you can afford any of these places without at least a 30% down payment to bring the total mortgage down, and especially not at $200k. Are you sure you’re ready to buy? Have you run the numbers with your mortgage broker?
Anon
We have saved $400k in down payment (both mid 30s and have been working 8+ years), apart from a small emergency fund and a personal line of credit of $200k available to DH. So the mortgage would look more like $600k – $900k for the 600 – 900 sq ft. We can swing it on our salaries but it would certainly put a strain on our finances, especialy with kids. True, we can’t “comfortably” afford any of these options and it’s way too much money for so little space… but here we are.
Anonymous
Where are you? These spaces seem tiny. Currently in a 2BD/2BA that is 1100 sq feet and I cannot imagine squeezing in 2 other bedrooms if we had 100 more sq feet. And so expensive! Are the bedrooms just large enough for a twin bed and nothing else (maybe except the master).
I would say move somewhere else if/when you have kids — you can get good jobs in places that are much more liveable with much shorter commutes. The walls will close in as the kids get larger and have stuff/friends. You can move before they start K, so no reason to decide that now.
Anon
I don’t own a condo, but my place is a single family home that’s 3/2, 1000 SF. Room sizes have massively bloated in the last 50 years or so. The people who built my house raised 3 kids in it. My bedroom (the master) is 9×13 with a 4 foot wide reach in closet. The bathrooms are 5X7 feet each. My bedroom fits a queen bed, nightstand, dresser and dog bed. It’s fine. It’s enough. “Stuff” is overrated.
Anon
Yes, we’re in a (v)HCOL city in Asia with fairly limited job mobility. You guessed right — the other bedrooms just about fit a twin bunk bed and a desk, which is fairly standard for the region. We don’t need a ton of space, or an extra guestroom, but don’t want to be too cramped either and will probably need live-in help when we have infants (childcare options are not great).
GCA
OK, so I grew up in Singapore in a 1500sft, 3br/2ba apartment. One small storage room converted into a nanny’s bedroom. 7 people (grandparents, parents, 2 kids and nanny) in this space. Husband and I later lived in a 700sft apartment with 2 bedrooms, 1bath and a small storage room that I converted into a home office. Had we had our 2 kids there, it would have been livable for the first few years at least. Consider also: in a VHCOL city, this sort of living arrangement is the norm; other families around you will be doing the exact same and you won’t feel ‘out of sync’ with your peers. In your shoes I would try to minimize the commute for sure.
Legally Brunette
With young kids, I lived in apartments ranging from 1200 – 1600 sq ft (2 or 3 bed, in HCOL city). It wasn’t cheap, but I felt that was enough room for the 4 of us (or the 5 of us, since we have an in law who lives with us half the year).
With just one kid, I think we would have been ok with 1000 sq ft or less.
Now that my kids are older, we live in a house with a backyard in the burbs and it is wonderful to have that extra space.
Anon
DINK: 1/1 is fine, unless one of us were working from home. Guests can get an AirBnB. I’m not paying an extra $300k or more for a guest room that gets used a few weeks a year. At $300k HHI, you can’t afford to either, and the potential commute trade-off sounds horrible.
Family with young kids: 2/1 for the short term (till the older kid is 8-9 or so), then 3/2.
Anonymous
3br, 2ba, 1,200sq+. I am also a DINK family who will probably morph into family with 1 young kid in the next 5 years who is house hunting.
anon
1,000 square feet, 2/1 house in a great, walkable neighborhood is more than enough for my family of 4. I would go smaller or to a condo before I gave up the neighborhood or quick commute.
Sal
We’re two kids and feel fine in 1200 square feet, two bedrooms, one bathroom, good commute.
Anonymous
Are you in a city where you’ll be spending a bunch of time outside? Assuming your kids are cared for outside the home, 2BR is fine. I’d do 1.5 bathrooms at a minimum. Ideally if you don’t have 3 BR you want some kind of nook for a second baby.
Anon
I’m not sure you’re gonna get much useful advice here. North Americans are used to significantly larger homes than other areas of the world.
But, assuming you can afford it (which is not at all clear from the info provided), I would go for the three-bedroom
Anonymous
I don’t think our answers about square footage are helpful if you’re not in the US. So much depends on the norms of your country — like, do you need a full size fridge or do you shop every day? Do you have wonderful built ins that maximize space? Do people entertain at home or in restaurants? In any event, I’d want 2 toilets as a DINK or a family with young kids. A 3rd bedroom would be nice, but I could definitely have lived in a 2br/2ba with two small kids.
Anon
i’m in dire need of a new phone. has anyone gotten the new iphone yet? thoughts?
Anon
We have XRs. We got them last year when Verizon was offering BOGO. They’re great, no issues, no qualms, easy to transition over and get used to.
Z
Ya I love my XR, got it last month. It’s pretty no-fuss, I can’t be bothered with 3 cameras.
KS IT Chick
My iPhone 7 had a camera lens that was shattered and a big crack in the screen, so I got a straight 11 on 9/20 (a few days before we went on vacation).
I really like it, not in love with it. It’s big for my hands, and it will never fit in my pocket. The battery life on it is amazing. I let it go 3 days without charging while we were on vacation and even when it was my primary method of internet access I only dropped to 45% of the battery. It took a while for the iCloud backup to restore, but once it did the latest security updates were fast to install.
Karma banking story from vacation that involves my phone. We had our pickup truck, with a motorcycle in the back, driving to Estes Park, CO. East of Denver, we saw an older couple by the side of the road with a flat tire on their motorcycle. We stopped. I was the only one of us who had signal for them to call their roadside assistance plan. After nearly an hour, the assistance plan said that they didn’t have an ETA on how long it would take for someone to get to them. DH & I shared a look, and we offered to roll his bike out and load theirs, and we would get them to their motel. About 15 minutes later, we were on the road again, and my phone was happily chirping with directions to their motel.