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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Paying for Another
For those with lots of money, I’d love to hear more about your feelings on gifting or spending on those you love who can’t financially afford what you can.
Even when I’ve had very little, if I had a bit more than a friend whose company I wanted, I’d say things like, “please come with me to eat, I’ll trade you a life update for the dinner check” even when it was just quick service somewhere (it’s all I could afford).
I would love to hear thoughts on how you handle situations when you can afford to cover yourself and/or them for something and you know they cannot afford it, etc. (I’m not talking about needy friends or friends who hint to get you to pay but for situations where you know the cost wouldn’t matter to you but it would not be possible for them.)
Anon
Join a country club and invite your guest there. Then you definitely have to pay :)
Otherwise, I think “I’d love to take you out” somewhere can get the message across with a casual “it’s my treat” at the end. Don’t make a huge issue out of it though.
Anon
+1 I find this works best when you present it as something where you’ve already spent the money (sometimes this is a white lie) to make it as not awkward as possible:
-I have an extra ticket to concert, do you want to come with me?
-I have a gift card at restaurant I’ve been dying to try, are you available for dinner?
-I have miles that are about to expire, want to plan a girls trip on (airline)?
Anon
This. Extra tickets, miles that are going to expire etc. It makes it less awkward.
ceej
I often say, “I’d love you to come with me to XYX. If the cost is an issue, I’ll take care of it.” Most of my friends are in the “average household income zone” of $35,000 for a single person or $50,000 for a couple. I’m in the $100,000 more zone, and single. I want to go to $100 a ticket concerts occasionally, and not alone. Often what happens is I’ll do the ticket and then they pay for our happy hour/ dinner before as a “thank you.” That means that they may pay for a $25-50 tab instead of a $25 tab for their dinner + $100 for their ticket. (And they suggest a place to eat.) I don’t usually mention the price of the ticket at all. Just, “I’ll get the tickets” or “I already bought the tickets.” I’ll also say, “I really want to catch up and I really want to go to this restaurant, and I just have so few free nights. Can I buy you dinner at $$ to do both?”
But also, I often suggest things they can afford: Let’s go for a walk/ meet at a coffee shop/ get Chipotle/ watch this show on Netflix/ go to cheap night at museum. I’ll also host at my house, even if I buy takeout food. “Come over and lets chat. I’ll take care of dinner.” If they insist they can bring dessert/ a bottle of wine, etc.
I never do this if I’ll feel resentful. I always try to make it as comfortable and non-obvious to the guest as possible.
Anon
+1 to all of this. I’ll usually do an invite to something I either know they can afford (such as a free wine tasting or similar) or do a ticket and say “l’ll get us tickets.” I don’t know if my city just happens to have a lot of these wine tastings or what, but I find that wine tastings or wine flight nights are easy to do and there are usually like several a week at various venues. “Hey, would you want to go to this wine tasting with me? Let me know and I’ll get tickets/sign us up.” And then I just pay.
Anon
Also, I love fancy sparkling wines and champagne and sometimes I’ll get a couple bottles and invite a friend over and do a “tasting” at my house and fix up a fancy cheese plate to go with it. That way it’s like something you already have so it isn’t like you’re going out of your way to pay.
Also, I guess I just like wine tasting a lot?
anon
Ha, me too!
Anon
As the “poor” friend (I make six figures and am objectively very well off, but I have friends that earn seven figures), I find the statement “If the cost is an issue, I’ll take care of it” to be very condescending. If you want to invite someone to something and pay for it, just say “my treat” or “I got tickets to XYZ event, want to go with me?” Just take care of it, don’t remind them that you’re taking care of it.
Fwiw, I would accept something like a nice dinner or a concert that I could afford to reciprocate if I wanted to, but I would not accept if a friend offered to spend thousands of dollars on me, unless they were doing it for a whole group of people, like flying all their guests to their destination wedding.
Anon
+1 so much.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Agree it’s condescending. Would much prefer to hear “My treat” or similar without specific attention to my own cost situation.
Anon
+1. In addition, I think the vast majority of people will just suck it up and pay or decline and give some other reason instead of having to effectively ask you to pay.
One of my friends just did an event for her birthday that was $$, and I could technically afford it but really hated spending the money on it after some other expenses this month. Even though she said that she would pay for anyone if the cost was an issue, I didn’t say anything. I took some money out of my emergency fund, and just sucked it up and paid. If, on the other hand, she had just said that she was paying or gotten tickets to the event, I would not have felt like I had to pay her back.
Anon
Yep. I’ve been a bridesmaid in several weddings where the bride said she could cover the cost of the dress if anyone couldn’t afford it. No one wants to effectively ask their friend for charity, and I also felt like it would be misleading at best for me to say I can’t “afford” it (I might have to cut back on fun stuff to budget for this, but I’m not going to go hungry or be late on my rent because of it). My BFF just bought all our dresses without even giving us a chance to pay and all her ‘maids were SO grateful.
Anon
I bought a hotel suite for my wedding and then offered it to my friends who were struggling, and even paid the wedding night (when my husband and I were elsewhere) so they didn’t have to. “Hey, this is paid for; want in?” is a really easy way to do these things.
ceej
I haven’t usually had that reaction, but maybe it does come across that way. I think I’m more likely to say it when I’m opening an invite to a larger group. Like, I have 4 tickets to show, and I’m asking a group of 8 friends who is available/ can come. Some of them can obviously pay, others can obviously not, but I want to fill all the seats. Teacher/ nonprofit friends have taken me up on in. Maybe they are more comfortable with the idea that they have lower income in exchange for service and therefore can get “special deals”? Another time when I’ve done this is religious things with a cost, so a conference/ class/ workshop/ seminar etc. Again, that might make the idea of someone else paying your way seem more normal?
Often the issue is that I wouldn’t pay for a friend with a similar income who just didn’t want to do the thing if they had to pay, while I’m happy to “sponsor” a friend who wants to go and can’t usually afford to do things like this.
Anon
When I can do it plausibly, I’ve said, “Let’s go do X, and it’s my treat, because I got a bonus at work / refund check / raise.” Sometimes the bonus / raise was months ago.
Anon
Just over a week ago I posted about a pretty devastating performance review from my manager; her comments completely took me by surprise and I thought they were pretty unfair. Since then I have emphasized several times I am grateful for her feedback, I take my job seriously, please tell me how I can improve X, what can I do better, how can I demonstrate improvement, etc. I’ve been trying really hard. She has been mostly extremely vague and non-communicative in response, speaking to me quite coldly when she speaks to me at all. I was bracing myself to be fired. Well, it was announced today that my manager is leaving this week! I am still concerned that I will be fired, but I would really like the chance to stay on and prove myself to a new manager. Do you think it’s worth asking the higher ups? Needless to say I have been documenting everything.
Anonymous
Is it possible that her behavior has more to do with her situation? Maybe she was getting pressure about her own poor performance and was trying too do a last-ditch effort to crack the whip and create some change in some way to reflect better on herself?
I hate to jump to ill intentions. But any chance she thought you weren’t respecting her enough and perhaps had complained about her to her boss?
I would look like this as a huge positive until you hear anything otherwise. It may just be that her coldness was her projecting her own frustration with working at the company. Hopefully a new manager will come in that you will jibe with better.
OP
I really wonder what was going on behind the scenes! Looking back there were definitely signs that my manager was unhappy. Thank you for the kind words and advice. I am going to try to see this as a positive until I hear otherwise.
Anonymous
Are you in a position to apply for the now vacant managerial position? It might be worth it to indicate interest. Sounds like your review/ follow up antics were a CYA strategy on her part that backfired. Now is your time to assert yourself and fill the void.
Ellen
It sounds like this. The manager took out her own issues on the OP, and even tho the OP could well need some improvement herself (we all do), I think the manager was the root cause here. We have no way of knowing for sure, tho the OP will be more valuable then ever w/o the manager there, as whoever comes in to replace her will need to rely on the OP to get up to speed. She may even get a promotion eventually, if she is as devoted as she sounds. Good luck to the OP; I advice her to stand in there and hope for the best! YAY!!
Coach Laura
Three things here:
-Look for a new job as time permits.
-Be ready to hit the ground running with the new boss and do a top-notch job on everything going forward.
-Be ready to demonstrate and explain what the mentioned deficiencies were and how you are/have corrected them – but ONLY if you’re asked. Do not volunteer. The new boss may be overwhelmed and never get around to it if you’re performing and producing.
A lot will depend on what your boss’s boss thinks of your performance and what he/she has been told by boss, what your boss’s boss thinks of your outgoing boss’s style/management ability, and if the new boss is from the outside or an internal hire. A new boss may be happy to have a helpful incumbent in your position and give you a chance. Or they may be poisoned by outgoing boss and/or boss’s boss and not give you a chance. So work hard and cover all the possible outcomes. Good luck.
OP
That’s definitely my biggest concern (that my boss’s boss has been given information that does not accurately reflect my talents and skills). Thank you for the advice. I am looking for a new job every day!
anon
I would not ask the higher ups. It doesn’t sound like the feedback came from them or that you’re particularly close to them. It’s also not clear whether the higher ups particularly value her or her opinion (she may have been pushed out). They may not be that concerned about your performance, and if they are, I’m not sure what you could say to them that would change their minds.
You should assume your new manager will have access to the former manager’s review, but she’ll also want to develop her own opinions. So, I would take the former manager’s feedback, try to improve, and prove yourself to your new manager. Your new manager may want to meet with you as she gets settled, and at that point, you could say something along the lines of, “As you may know, Former Manager gave me some feedback about X in my last review, and I’ve been focusing on improving in that area.” (My advice above changes if one of the higher-ups becomes your direct manager, even in the interim–then you could appropriately address a negative review with that person as your manager.)
anon
Replying to my own comment to agree with Coach Laura that you should not initiate a conversation about your performance. But be ready to address your previous review and feedback if your new manager schedules a meeting about your performance. You may even want to just keep it positive and talk about what you’re focusing on, without mentioning any previous negative feedback.
OP
That’s good advice, thank you.
Anon
Here’s my read on this: your manager suddenly gave you a very negative performance review, when your previous performance had been excellent. You are confused by this and attempted to address it with her properly. Within a couple of weeks of her slamming you at your performance review, she’s leaving, presumably without the standard two-week notice period.
My guess is that she was asked to leave, knew it was coming, and hoped that she could foist some of the blame for her own problems on you. Obviously that didn’t work, and she was shown the door, or saw the writing on the wall and showed herself the door.
Ergo, don’t worry about it. Don’t address it with higher-ups. If you are asked about it with a new manager, just reiterate that you always welcome feedback and opportunities to improve, but found this performance review rather startling given your history. If you feel like it, throw in a line about not being able to resolve the issues prior to your former manager’s sudden departure. Let the new manager put two and two together.
Early Dating Fizzling Feelings
How do you handle the early parts of dating? I am finding that, if I go a week between dates (which I don’t feel like is necessarily abnormal in the first month or two), my excitement or care begins to fizzle. I don’t want to lose feelings for someone who might be worth it but I know it’s not realistic that first few or first several dates happen in rapid succession.
I sometimes find that I’m getting nit picky about stuff that wouldn’t bother me but in the space between dates, I have too much thinking time or something.
Any advice or guidance?
Anon
How and how often do you communicate between the dates? If it’s not that much, maybe try to talk or text more in between seeing each other?
Anon
I’ve found that the only way to avoid that is to either (1) be extremely busy between dates, like traveling for work and working 60+ hours a week or (2) to have the dates closer in time. But, my honest view is that if I don’t make the time to see a guy I just started dating for over a week, I’m just not that in to him (and when a guy hasn’t made the time to see me, it’s been because he just isn’t that in to me). If I like someone, we generally have 2-3 dates a week. They might be shorter dates, like a 30 min to one hour happy hour drinks before we each separately have dinner with friends or a short coffee break on a weekend.
Anon
I get this if both people are childless. As a parent with shared custody, making time to see someone 2-3 times a week would be really difficult no matter how into a person I was. Obviously, not saying that this expectation is wrong per se. Just throwing out there that there are legitimate reasons this isn’t always possible.
Anon
Explore the reasons for being nitpicky and what you are being nitpicky about.
To be very blunt, the people I know who are nitpicky about men fall into two categories: those who have had bad boyfriends in the past and are hypersensitive about warning signs, and those who are, on some level, averse to commitment.
Anon
Can anyone recommend a chew proof dog bed? Or another solution? Our dog has to be crated during the day because she piddles on the floor if left out. She destroys every bed we give her, seems uninterested in toys in her crate, and CBD treats don’t seem to matter one way or another. Right now, a new bed lasts 2 days.
Anon
Just give her a pile of blankets from a secondhand store. She can scratch into those all she wants.
Anon
The risk here with most dogs is that they could chew and then eat the towels and get an obstruction.
Anon
Yeah, I think this is a “know your dog situation”. My dogs scratched the bed and tore out the stuffing out of boredom but never ate the insides. With blankets they just use it as a scratching post. If your dog will eat anything…yeah I don’t think there are options other than a plain floor.
Anon
We have had success with one from K9 Ballistics. It’s very tough and also ties down to the bottom of the crate, which helps prevent the dog from pulling up the corners to chew. Because of that, our dog stopped chewing on it at all. Not super cheap, but it’s been worth it. Not waterproof, but it’s gone through the washer very well.
Anon
More exercise, and remove bedding from the crate. One of mine can’t have bedding in her crate. She’s fine. 99% of the time, given the option, she chooses cool/hard surfaces anyway. Even if they act pathetic, it’s still better than surgery for an obstruction.
T
+1 just don’t do bedding in the crate, and a super long walk/run/bike before going in there for the day.
anon.
The ONLY dog bed my extreme chewer never chewed through is the Ninja. Ours is several years old at this point. Expensive but after spending $$ on several beds he tore through, this has been amazing.
anon
the solution is to not have a dog bed in the crate. they sleep on wooden floors, dirt, decks… they will be perfectly happy in the crate without a bed.
signed, obsessive dog mom of an incredibly spoiled dog that is living his best life and has never had a bed in his crate
MagicUnicorn
This. Our dog doesn’t ever chew on anything, unless it is a bed in the crate while we are gone. So we stopped putting things in the crate. A decade later, he doesn’t seem to care that there is nothing in the crate.
Aunt Jamesina
My dog used to chew any stuffed bed we gave him, but stopped once we got him a Coolaroo dog bed. The nice thing is that if the fabric part gets ruined, you can keep the frame and just buy the fabric replacement.
Anonymous
Of course more walks/exercise may help but they may not — there is nothing wrong with crating your dog during the day for her safety!! We don’t use beds in crates period. I actually used to put a blanket in there and our dog would always push it in the corner and lay on the other side! If you want to make it cozier/more den like, you can use a crate cover to cover two or three of the sides. If you want to give her more space, would you have room to set up an X pen (a 5 or 6 panel one) you could contain her in during the day?
Anon
I might repost this tomorrow since I really need some help on figuring out how to do this tactfully, but how do you respond when coworkers come in with the flu and announce it to everyone? It’s a lot of “I’m sick, I have such bad body aches!” or “I feel awful!” while sneezing everywhere and so on. I am immunocompromised and while I understand (and know all too well) that the world cannot revolve around my needs, I still find the cavalier attitudes about coming in sick really frustrating. We only get three days of sick time and I’m wondering if I can advocate for more so people might feel better about taking it, but in the meantime, what are my options for dealing with this? We’re in a cube farm and there are no private offices I can occupy to get away from sick people.
Anon
Only 3 days of sick leave? I totally get where you’re coming from but I think long-term you need to advocate to your employer for more sick leave.
Anonymous
+1 – the flu alone could easily eat up 5 days of sick time
Anonymous
Would “Gross! Please go home, I don’t want your germs” not work? I have zero tact in these situations.
Anon Lawyer
Probably not if they have 3 days of sick time. Nobody can afford to burn that on a non-lethal illness.
Anon
Seriously. Especially if they have kids, who get sick even more frequently than adults do. I’d show up to work with Ebola if I only had three total sick days.
Anonymous
Fair (336 anon here). I do hate coworkers who come to work sick when they really don’t need to, and then make light about being here. Seriously, just go home. We have 10 days of sick leave. Log on from home if you have to.
Anon
If you’re immuncompromised, you may need accommodations like a private office. Can you talk to your doctor? No matter how generous your company is with sick leave, it’s simply not practical for employees to stay home every time they’re sneezing. The average adult catches 2-4 colds a year and a cold can take 7-10 days to run it’s course even in a healthy individual. No boss is going to be fine with an employee taking dozens of sick days/year for colds unless they have a doctor’s note about an underlying medical condition. I don’t think I have a cavalier attitude about coming in sick. If I’m vomiting, running a fever or was diagnosed by a doctor with a contagious illness more serious than a cold, I will stay home. But I simply cannot stay home every time I have a cold. I get them far too often, and I wouldn’t be a productive employee if I missed that many days on my own colds.
Anon
Not me, but my boss is immunocompromised and has had two life-threatening illnesses and he legit has no qualms about basically quarantining himself or others if people come in sick. Literally, if anyone so much as sniffles around him he will not be in the same room as them and will not even accept papers that they printed and touched. (He makes them have his secretary re-print it and bring it to him on clean paper.) He also uses a different brand of pen as everyone else in the office and will not allow others to use his pens. If you touch his pen (or highlighter, or anything else) you have to keep it because he doesn’t want it back. We all kind of tease him about it and his level of dramatics, but we also all understand that he doesn’t want to have another round of illness or die, so everyone respects it. I know this wouldn’t work for everyone, but he definitely makes it a big deal and makes you feel bad if you come in sick.
Anon
I’m assuming that you and your colleagues don’t have the ability to work from home? If more sick time isn’t an option, I’d push for flexibility on working from home. That way you can still get your work done (if you’re well enough to work but just feeling bad/sneezing/gross/etc.) and keep everyone from getting seriously ill, esp. those who are immunocompromised.
Anon
We are permitted to work from home in specific instances and being sick isn’t really one of them, although some senior people have done it (I’ve seen emails like “I’m under the weather today and WFH”, although the boss does not like it). We are a small company and the boss is anti-WFH (a frustrating topic for me since being able to WFH more would really help me manage my medical condition). The amount of sick leave we have is the minimum required by state law and we do not have enough employees to be eligible for FMLA.
Anon
Then I think this is a “boss – I am immunocompromised and due to the sick leave policy, people often come in to work very sick. I am requesting an accommodation to WFH if someone comes into the office sick to lower my chances of getting very sick. Alternatively, are you open to WFH of the sick person”?
This is a boss issue, not an employee issue. Heck if he wants proof they’re working he can skype call them from their living room to see if they’re actually home or off on vacation. He could allow people to WFH if he wanted.
Anon.
Anon
In that case, I’d consider looking a new job. Your health (and quality of life) is worth much more.
Anon
Is the three days of sick leave the California mandate three days but you also have combined PTO?
You need a manager to tell people to use PTO when they’re sick, and follow through with sending people home when they exhibit signs of illness. Can you get a manager on your side? Since you are immunocompromised, this is an issue they must deal with, from an HR perspective.
Anon
Honestly, consider looking for a new job. This one has policies that endanger your health.
anon
Three days of sick leave? That is totally unreasonable. OP, I sympathize with wanting people to leave germs at home but it’s not always feasible, particularly with that draconian leave policy.
cashmere sweaters
I have some cashmere sweaters that are hip-bone length and boxy. I can’t figure out the pants — skinny ankle pants seem to make my hip area enormous, like I am shaped like a giant sweet potato. Baby bootcut pants? I can’t quite figure this out.
Anon
Pencil skirt?
Anon
Donate them, these sweaters don’t flatter you. If a hip bone length sweater can make your hips look huge in skinny pants, they are probably too big anyway.
Ellen
I find that these work on weekends with jeggings. Having the contrast will make your legs look cuter then they normally would be with a tighter top, and if the tuchus is covered, that is a good thing. Personally, I also do whatever I can to accentuate my legs, which includes 4″ heels, but on weekends, that would not work here. Instead, I do the jeggings with my Nike’s, which makes me look athletic with that “I don’t care that much on weekends b/c I am cute” look! I haven’t yet snagged a man yet, but it’s early and with cold weather coming on soon, I can only hope! YAY!!!
Anon
Tuck them in to high-waisted pants.
Anon
Tucking in boxy tops doesn’t look good, IMO. I think skinny pants or pencil skirt are the way to go, but if you don’t like the way you look then I agree that they probably just aren’t sweaters that fit you.
Anonymous
I just met one of my neighbors who lives one street over. I find him very attractive. He’s 52, I’m 36 – but somehow the age difference doesn’t bother me. He has two kids in college and got divorced several years ago, apparently his ex lives in another state. We’ve spent time at two neighborhood events and last week, talked for hours over a bottle of wine in his backyard. He asked me to dinner next week and I said yes – any advice for the age gap/red flags I might not notice in the early stages of dating?
Anon
So I’ve personally never been attracted to a man this much older (celebrities, etc. excepted) but I don’t think the age gap is a big red flag at this age. I’d feel differently if you were 26 and he was 42. Have fun!
Anon
Go for it. Once you’re both in your mid-30s and up, I think “age is just a number” is more true. Just date like you normally would (using the same precautions).
Anon
I dunno if that’s always true. I know a 40ish woman with preschoolers who just married a grandpa in his mid-50s (second marriage for both). Sure, age is just a number, but I find it a little baffling because they’re in such completely different life stages. But OP and this guy sound more compatible because neither of them is raising young children.
Senior Attorney
I feel like 52 and 36 is pretty much in the sweet spot where the age gap matters the least. If he were 32 and you were 16, it would be icky. And when he is 82 and you are 56 (or 92 and 66) that is going to be a little (or a lot) more problematic. But for now, enjoy!
(I’m presuming you aren’t looking to have kids with him? Because I think him having a second family after having grown kids would be awkward on a number of levels.)
Anon
Love you SA but math ain’t your strong suit. When he’s 82 she will be 66.
Senior Attorney
HAHAHA!! I always say if I could do math I’d be a doctor.
But my point stands, I think.
Vicky Austin
LOL, a distant relative had a second family much later in life and I sat with his youngest daughter at a family wedding. We were seated next to her two nephews who are both older than she is. When someone else at the table asked if they were all siblings or cousins, this poor girl had to say, “No, um, I’m their aunt.”
Anon
I know several guys who have had second families with a younger woman. I think all blended families are inherently complicated, but in some ways having his kids out of the house probably makes it easier for them to have kids if they wanted them. It wouldn’t be a normal step-sibling dynamic, his kids would be more like aunts/uncles, but in some ways that’s probably easier.
Anonymous
Three of my friends are married to men older than they are. All three men said they were willing to have kids/have more kids during the dating phase, and then in the end changed their minds, or were only willing to try for so long/go so far before saying having kids wasn’t for them. My friends seem fine with it and one actually told me she wasn’t that invested in having kids in the first place. But from what I’ve seen, most men in their 50s are not Robert Downey Jr. and willing to start all over at age 51 with a new set of children to raise from birth. Most average people don’t have the energy for it. So OP, definitely something to fully explore if you really want kids and this progresses beyond “having a good time.”
LaLaLondon
Just piping up as the much-younger half-sibling that it’s not always awkward! My sister and I are really close and she was basically grown when I was born. One of my close friends also has a little brother under similar age gap and as long as everyone involved is positive and constructive, you can still have a really lovely blended family!
Anon
Doesn’t bother me at all, especially since it seems like a mutual attraction rather than him specifically pursuing someone much younger.
Anonymous
Right now you may feel like you’re at similar stages in life. Imagine when you’re 50 and crushing it at work and he is 66 and ready to enjoy retirement…DH is 8 years older and we are already looking at this, where he’d like time to retire early but I want the income still! Maybe this will be no problem but something to consider…
Anon
Completely agree.
Imagine when you are 65 and ready to enjoy an active retirement and he’s in his 80s and infirm.
Anon
This would be the dealbreaker for me. I agree it’s no big deal when you’re both mid-life and working, and I’d be fine with my spouse retiring well before I did – maybe I’d even retire early if we could afford it. But 65-75 are good years for a lot of people, and 81 to 91 are….definitely not. If you take care of yourself and are lucky enough to not have random health issues, you can expect to really enjoy your 60s and even 70s, and I wouldn’t want to waste those years taking care of an elderly person. I put the brakes on a relationship with a very nice guy who was “only” 8 years older than me for that reason.
Anon.
Yep – I have an aunt experiencing this with a roughly 20-year age difference. I think she’s finding the difference more difficult now that she’s in her mid-60s and wants to travel etc. He’s in his late 80s and generally healthy but not up for exotic foreign travel. She’s finding other travel companions and still having an awesome life, but it has been a complication for her that she commented she had not foreseen.
Anonymous
I feel like this is really jumping the gun. It’s just dinner. She likes him and finds him attractive, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to get married. Also, health problems can strike anyone at any age. My best friend is married to a guy 8 years older than her who had a stroke last year and is slowly recovering from it. My godfather died of lung cancer at 42. Life is unpredictable.
Anon
Yes, life is unpredictable and anyone can drop dead at any time, but statistically a 65 year old will be much healthier, mentally sharper and more energetic and active than an 81 year old. That’s just biology. No one is saying not to have dinner with the guy, just that these are things to think about before getting serious.
Anonymous
For me it would depend on how healthy/ active he is. One of DH’s kayaking buddies is just as fit and healthy at 55 as DH is at 43. He also runs regularly. But at 55 my parents were basically old people – very little activity and counting the days to retirement. How ‘old’ someone seems between 45 and 60 has a huge variation and depends on fitness and lifestyle. Much more so than 30-45.
Anon
Enjoy! He sounds like a good catch! I’ve been in relationships with much larger age gaps than that, and it’s not been a big deal. Be on the lookout for any Peter-Pan ish man-child tendencies, but those can crop at any age.
Anon
Obviously all the following is hugely premature considering you just met, but depending on your plans for the future, it may not make sense to pursue. If his age is not compatible with your life goals (ex. kids), don’t waste you time on him.
To me the big question is life goals, especially in consideration of potential kids and retirement. Do you want kids? Because if you do, he probably doesn’t (maybe he does idk but I can’t see he’d be gung ho with college aged kids). Are you okay with a retired spouse in 10 yrs while you work for another 30?
If none of the above is an issue for you and you’re happy just enjoying the time of your partner and pursuing your hobbies with no worries about children or finances, go for it. Age matters when you have plans that age greatly affect (like earnings, child rearing, health – he’s older but not of an age where you’d have to worry about age related health complications anytime soon- and desired lifestyle). If none of those are of concern then age difference doesn’t really matter.
definitelyAnon
My husband and I started seeing each other when I was 32 and he was 49. Now I’m 60 and he’s 77 and it’s fine. Neither of us had any interest in children (or any pre-existing children), so that factor was not relevant for us – but I could definitely see that it might make a difference to someone else. Yes, it can be a drag getting up and going to work when he’s goofing off, or not going to Italy with him because I had to work, but on the other hand, he’s almost always available when I have some time off, so that’s convenient. Plus he’s still very athletic – more than I will ever be. He has nieces who are older than I am, but that just seems like a non-issue.
Anonymous
How do you say no (more accurately, yes but really no) to assignments that are “quick” and “will only take 15 minutes” (they never take 15 minutes)? I’m completely overwhelmed with work. I billed over 300 hours last month and this month won’t be much better. I haven’t billed under 200 hours all year (including the months I took vacation). I’ve been pushing off new matters for a while and the partners generally understand.
I’m struggling with the requests to do something “real quick”. Usually I don’t burn goodwill by turning down something that would take less than 3 or so hours, but now that I’m over the 300 hour mark I just can’t take on more; even if it truly is 15 minutes (it isn’t), I don’t have the emotional capacity to think my way into another assignment. Also, I feel like I became this overwhelmed because I said yes to these “quick” things that then snowballed.
Everyone gets SO upset when I say no to something “quick.” I’m afraid I’m going to be criticized for “not juggling” like I was a few years ago. I’m even getting pushback from my nonprofit (I’m on the board) – they asked me to “flip through these bylaws real quick” and kept pressing when I said I would get to it in 3 weeks. (FWIW – that’s always how I say no – yes but I can start it in X weeks).
I think the real answer is, don’t let yourself get this overwhelmed, but now I’m here and I don’t really know what to do.
AFT
“I’m sorry, but I’ve got a [big filing] for [big partner] on Tuesday, and I really won’t have any capacity to take more work on until Wednesday. Would that work for you?” Then you actually have to work that much (which it sounds like you already are!) so that your hours support this message.
Sometime that doesn’t work and … that’s a problem with the firm and not you. Try not to take it personally if people act upset when you say that – it has nothing to do with you and is just annoying them as they have to ask someone else.
Ellen
Normally I would agree, but since I have always been slammed with these kind of assignments, I need to be abel to ask others to chip in when I need help, so we all need to be more accommodating.
Anonymous
I guess this is a know your office issue, but I just say “sorry I am at capacity”. It depends on who the request comes from and what it is, but I know what my goals are at my firm and whose opinion matters, so I am comfortable turning down work from anyone that is not the main partner I work for. And even he would encourage me to turn down work if I was swamped, he is weary of burn out. FWIW, if I am on track to bill 180 hours a month, I am at capacity.
The Original ...
What about not saying no but saying, “I’m in the middle of three major projects (name them if you want) with deadlines this week but I can meet with you Monday about this, if that’ll work for you?” Then they can either agree to wait (and you do have to hold to a Monday meeting) or, if it’s really quick or can be done by someone else, they can choose to tell you “never mind.”
Then, you’re explaining why it’s something you can’t do immediately, you are still agreeing to do it, and if it doesn’t happen, it’s their choice.
OP
Yeah I already do the “yes but really no/not right now” thing. The response is – but it’s so quick! You can totally do it before next week!
Anon
First issue is how busy everyone else is. If everyone is billing 300 hours and you’re relatively junior, then you might just have to do the work.
But if you are able to push back, then AFT’s scripts are good. If the person presses, then say something like, “If this were truly a 15 minute matter, I would gladly help you with it. But this will likely snowball into a problem that will take several hours/days/weeks to resolve, and I lack that bandwidth. It would be better to have someone with that bandwidth do this work from the start.”
Alternatively, can you assign things to other people if the task ends up being overwhelming?
Anon
Is the majority of your work for one or two partners with whom you have a good relationship and who are respected at your firm? If a partner wouldn’t accept a “I’m sorry, I’m slammed with other work right now” response, I would use my main partner as a shield. I would say something like, “Oh, things are really busy with case x, and I promised partner x (who was a big rainmaker in my practice group) that I wouldn’t take on any more work without checking with him. Do you want me to check if he is ok with it?” The vast majority of the time, the person asking would say that they would find someone else. The few times that they said yes, I would go to the partner and say either “Partner Y asked me to work on project Z, but I don’t think I have the time given case x. Do you agree that case x will keep me busy?” or “Partner Y asked me to work on project Z, but I told him no given case x. Just wanted to give you a heads up.” After that conversation, which the partner understood was just me letting him know I used him as an out, I would then go tell the other partner no.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Good advice so far, but I’d also consider whether you want to find a different job.
ceej
What is the woman’s equivalent of dockers?
I’m now in a more casual office. Day to day, I’m good. When we meet with clients, we don’t want to look too “lawyer-y” with suits. The men (and it’s mostly men) wear dockers and a patterned shirt with no tie, sometimes a blazer.
When I wear black or navy slacks and a blouse and a patterned or different color blazer, it seems I look “over-dressed.” The other option I can think of is dark jeans (probably skinny or straight?) with a blouse and blazer. That would dress it down, but it is “JEANS” which in some situations are read as very casual.
I guess they MAKE dockers for women, but I don’t really love that look. If I’m in a short sleeve blouse (like a Boden Ravello) it seems too casual and not warm enough without a blazer.
What would you wear?
Monday
Never worn them myself, but people here have recommended the Gap’s “Girlfriend” chino.
Anonymous
This is part of the reason I wear mostly dresses.
Anonymous
This is what I do too.
Anonymous
Most men seem to think dresses and skirts are “dressed up” even if they are casual styles, so I’d lean toward something like Pixie pants from Old Navy.
anon
Camel colored Sloane pants from BR.
Anon
+1
Anon
Chinos. I have some from American Eagle.
anon
In similar situations, I wear jeans with nice shoes, a blouse, and a blazer.
Anon
You can wear chinos yourself but your colleagues are dressing business casual so you can too. For women we have more leeway – I’d stick to lighter colored pants (i.e. no black or super dark navy) paired with blouses and cardigan or nice sweater. For dresses, any business casual dress + blazer will work.
Anon.
Old Navy Pixie cut pants
Samantha
+1 to Old Navy Pixie pants
anon.
Olive pants are super versatile to me and still read modern. Loft usually has some in stock.
kk
Uh, do we work together? When we see clinets, the men I work with all wear khakis (in my *jake from state farm* voice) and white shirts, unbuttoned, no tie, with a blazer. I typically wear a structured ponte sheath dress, and pointy flats- it’s what I’m comfortable in, and still feel professional. When they button up and put on ties, I go for a nicer material dress and heels.
anon
i don’t think chinos are “in” right now (and i rarely see them in stores), so i’d do slim cut ankle pants (like the Sloanes or Pixies mentioned above; Jcrew Camerons are also great for this purpose and come in a bunch of colors).
Vicky Austin
Some less-serious but still-demure colors of pants: dark blue that isn’t navy, maroon or burgundy, olive, gray, brown. Might have to tweak your top game some though.
Vicky Austin
Also, unless your direct boss called you overdressed and stated it was an actual problem, I would not be caring. This is an office full of men in Dockers, not Miranda Freakin Priestly.
ceej
Yeah, my direct boss directly commented that I was “dressed up” one day, and then when we were planning a meeting specifically said “don’t dress up.” So, I do think it is an issue I need to deal with. Dresses are not going to be the solution because sometimes these are outdoor meetings so I’m often wearing flat ankle boots or other flat shoes that are more outdoor appropriate. Second, I agree, I think a dress is going to be read as way to dressed up by these men, even if any woman would say its basically a pretty casual dress.
I think ankle pants in colors other than navy or black it is. I guess I’ll adjust to the idea that we can wear boots with ankle pants now. And maybe a cardigan. I feel like I look like the “assistant” in a cardigan, and the blazer clarifies I’m not. No one thinks the guy is the assistant, no matter what he’s wearing.
Anon
For a different take, I think the slacks are fine and you should just change out the blazer with a cardigan. IME, many guys find a blazer or a dress on a female to be more formal.
Anon
Old Navy Pixie pants
Laura B
I love white jeans + blouse or button up for being just one step up from my typical clients casual dress code. My favorite are a pair of white trouser jeans I got from lift forever ago that still look great after lots of wears, but I also have white skinny jeans and white cropped jeans.
Anon
I love the Richmond pants from Boden. They are machine washable and are the material your’e looking for. They also come in lots of colors!
Anon
Also look for more casual blazers. I have a cotton one from H&M a few years back, but it looks like they don’t sell it right now. Another example is the SKIES ARE BLUE Asa Knit Blazer in Navy. It looks great with navy pants and a patterned top underneath. In winter, I tend to go for a tweed or schoolboy blazer from JCrew with some skinny corduroys on casual Fridays (I’m a lawyer, so I’m never actually casual).