ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Classic Linen Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I spend a lot of time and energy on the hunt for fun blazers. When you work in a business-formal office, it feels like a tiny rebellion to be wearing a hot pink jacket in a room full of men in dark suits. I like the cut of this collarless linen blazer from Talbots. I would wear this with suiting dresses on formal days and with slim pants and a blouse on more casual days. In addition to pink, the blazer also comes in black, flax, spearmint, and twilight blue/white. It is $159–$179 and available in Misses 4–18, Petite 2–16, Plus 14–24, and Plus Petite 14–22. Right now, you can get 40% off your entire purchase at Talbots with code FRIENDS, which brings the price down to $95–$107. Classic Linen Blazer A couple of more affordable options are from Bar III and Marks & Spencer. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (edited)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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298 Comments

  1. Hi – I want to switch to a backpack for commuting and want it to be professional enough to bring to meetings etc. I’m looking for something minimalist but still with some style and very lightweight (back issues . . .). I love the style of the everlane nylon commuter backpack but it was too heavy. I tried the Lo and Sons hanover but it felt boring and I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable bringing it to meetings instead of a purse. Any recommendations? Thanks!

    1. I have a Knomo backpack. Really like that for client work when I have to schlepp everything to the team room

    2. I was at target yesterday and they had some nice looking nylon backpacks. Maybe use one of those as a trial?

    3. I see A LOT of tumi backpacks at meetings/on trains/planes these days. The hagen seems to be very popular for women, though I’d avoid some of the crazier prints.

      1. Agreed on Tumi–I’m in Biglaw and backpacks are common at meetings and everywhere. CEOs especially seem to be carrying them. Just pick a minimalistic look and dark color.

    4. I’m disappointed to hear that the Everlane was too heavy. I’ve been thinking of picking it up for carry-on situations and long days out with my preschooler.

      1. It wasn’t super heavy but with my back issues I’d rather not add any unnecessary extra weight. The neoprene material is just heaver than only nylon or canvass would be. I really loved the style though.

      2. FWIW I don’t think it’s too heavy (from the perspective of maybe an average-mom-of-a-preschooler back, so no huge issues but not great). I like how the backpack keeps things high and pretty close to my body, I think that makes it more comfortable to carry. Definitely lighter than Lo&Sons bags (I have a couple totes, but not the backpack).

    5. Have you seen the new Lo & Sons one, the Rowledge? It’s so expensive but I’m very intrigued by it.

    6. I just bought the Alo Yoga Stow backpack and love it. I wear it daily to work and will take it as a travel backpack as well. It’s professional, minimalist, matte black, and neoprene (machine washable for me) and significantly cheaper than the Dagne backpack . Would be great for hiking (extra storage strings that could be used for a variety of things other than a yoga mat) and super light.

    7. I spent more than I intended to on a Tumi laptop backpack — and love it for many reasons, above all for the rollaboard sleeve on the back.

    8. I bought a super-light, minimalist backpack from a brand called Salzen while traveling in Germany (the ‘Daypack’). It is honestly SO LIGHT and a comfortable fit (I’m 5’5). Not sure on import but can only recommend this as the best backpack I’ve ever had.

    9. I have a Tumi backpack – Alpha Bravo Knox or something like that. Not a woman-specific one. It’s charcoal with brown accents. I’m very satisfied with it and won’t be moving on anytime soon.

  2. I have a very close relationship with my aunt. She doesn’t have any children, but she and her husband have two small dogs that are their whole lives. Really, she thinks about her dogs all day, she’s flown me across the country to watch them when she had to travel, they’re everything to her. Unfortunately, one of her dogs had to be put to sleep yesterday (he was 16) and she’s absolutely devastated. I feel terrible and want to do something for her, but live in a different part of the country. Any ideas from the Hive? Maybe something someone did for you when you were in a similar situation?

    1. Flowers and a condolence card for now. It shows you’re treating her loss as real and big and important. And you can get flowers to her today. And then as time moves forward, consider a donation to a shelter in memory of her dog, or some other thing that is personal to her, and reach out more to her.

      1. Counterpoint, I really really hated condolences cards when my dogs died. It was like a surprise stab reminder. I would have appreciated tickets to a classical music concert or jazz to get me out of the house for the evening which is the worst time of the day.

    2. I feel like sympathy is one situation where you absolutely do not need to innovate. Send her flowers. Follow up the flowers with a sympathy card in which you’ve acknowledged the scope of the loss, told her how sorry you are, and shared a fond memory of her dog. Then, in another six months or so, send her flowers or a note again to say you’re thinking about her.

    3. Sympathy card + donation in memory of the dog. Was the dog from a shelter/rescue? If so, that would be a great option. National charities I like for this are Best Friends Animal Sanctuary and Old Friends (they provide a place for older dogs that don’t have homes, so might be particularly nice in this case since her dog was older). I also think food delivery and that sort of thing is nice if you can think of anything she likes in her area.

      1. Yes! When my dogs died last year, it meant so much to me when people donated to the rescue where I got them in their memories. I do that for every friend who has an animal die now because it was so special to me.

    4. I would agree with the above comments on flowers and a card, my brother sent flowers when our cat passed away suddenly and it was felt meaningful. I’d also add make sure she know she can talk to you about it as sometimes people feel they can’t express how sad they are when it’s a pet for fear of it being trivialised. It’s very kind of you to think of her.

    5. Check on Etsy for custom pet portraits. I have a couple of them from when my cats passed away. Also, a heartfelt card is nice. I received one from Seed Paper Society (also on Etsy) which I though was unique. A donation would be lovely too. Offer to talk when she is ready to do so.

    6. Flowers, card, donation are all caring. Maybe over the course of the next months comb through your photos and send pictures you have of the dog with a note about the specific memory. Keep checking in with her, and tell her how good of a pet parent (or whatever terms she uses) she is, how much her dog felt loved and cared for.
      Obviously you will ask after the remaining dog, who will also be sad and miss its buddy. Maybe send a toy or something special for them.
      Finally, if she likes to have mementos around the house, a figurine or memorial stone or something like that to have on the mantle place. YMMV, of course, but we had a small plaque to commemorate our first dog, and my neighbors have a sweet figurine to remember their 19 yr old cat that they light candles near. It’s lovely, and helps them grieve.

    7. I could be your aunt, and this recently happened to me. Just be there for call. Call and check in daily. It’s hard to share your grief because a lot of people don’t understand the level of grief with the loss of a pet. So just check on her and let her talk. If you have any photos of the dog, you could get something made for her with the photo. I had an ornament made with a photo of my dog that passed and I hang it from the mirror in my car. I drive a lot every day, so I feel like he’s always with me, and all I have to do is glance over and see his beautiful face. You could also plant a tree in honor of the pet? Check with your local parks dept, and I know of a national park that does it too. I’ll check back later if you want that information. But overall, just be there for her – whether it’s a call or text, just to see how she’s doing…and let her know you care will go a long way!!

  3. Good mix of picks, Elizabeth. I have been on a no shop month having bought what I need for the season or I would have clicked through.

  4. I’ve recently started getting red spots (kind of like acne but not the normal pimples I’m used to) on the creases on the sides of my eyes. I haven’t changed my make-up or products, so can’t think what is causing it. Has this happened to anyone else? How did you treat/avoid it?

    2. Google peri-ocular dermatitis. I was suffering from it for a while. It’s brought on by stress. I went to three different doctors who prescribed me a bunch of stuff that didn’t work. Last doctor said, stop looking in the mirror and stressing about it. Leave it alone and they will go away. And they did.

    3. This is probably not the case, but did you throw up recently? I hadn’t horrible morning sickness and the stress on my system of throwing up gave me little red spots on the skin around my eyes- I think they were just broken/bruised blood vessels and went away after a while.

  5. I have a brand new (never even opened the box) pair of size 8 round toe flat Rothy’s in the Spotted (leopard print), for sale if anyone’s interested.

    Selling for $100 OBO. Please message me at MsFabulous23 at gmail
    Thanks!

  6. I am in such a funk at work. Things are taking me forever to do, I’m super scatterbrained and unfocused, I have no attention to detail, etc. It’s been going on for a while now and I can’t seem to break out of it!

    I was off all of last week and it was … not relaxing. My life (both work and personal) is generally very busy and all over the place, but for whatever reason I can’t manage it at the moment.

    How do you get out of a slump?

    1. Lots more sleep. Cutting yourself slack (big one. . . ). Consider whether it’s depression or anxiety (2 weeks of this? Deeper depths?). Drink more water.

    2. Time for a check-up? Could be that poor sleep, poor digestion, or something else that can be easily addressed medically is a factor.

    3. Someone on here last week said “focus begets focus” and I’ve found that to be really true. I’ve been setting 15-30 minute timers and getting significantly more done.

    4. What helps me is putting aside the tasks, and focusing on making a global to-do list, one for work and one for personal. It puts everything in perspective and allows me to start tackling items with some semblance of a plan.

    5. In that situation, if I have the freedom, I start with a project I’m really excited about that can be knocked out in less than a day (preferably 3-4 hours). It really helps pull me back in.

  7. Favorite work wear basics? Business casual office with some big days/formal occasions. I like the solid color/neutral pallet of M.M.LaFleur/Of Mercer but looking for a lower price point. What dresses/blazers/tops are you loving these days?

    1. I’m really liking Jcrew’s sheath dresses and pencil skirts again this season. If you catch them on a sale, you really can’t beat Brooks Brothers (esp. red fleece line) for good, classic work wear. Fully 80% of my work wardrobe is Brooks Brothers/Jcrew. I mix in from Hobbs (dresses and tops – at Bloomingdales – and a lot is an extra 25% off of the sale price now) Boden and Ann Taylor for shells/tops/shoes. I still think Boden and Ann Taylor have some of the most comfortable business casual shoes out there.

  8. Someone I briefly met once has messaged me on LinkedIn, saying he applied to a position at my (small, family-like) firm and was wondering if I’d pass his resume along to the hiring partners in that group.

    His experience doesn’t match up with what I know they’re looking for. Like, not even a little bit. He’s never practiced law in the decade since graduating, and he worked in the field relevant to this position for three years four years ago and has been out of the field since then. HR will immediately delete his application.

    If you were a jobseeker, would you want someone to honestly tell you they’re looking for someone with a different background / technical experience? How would you feel about receiving such a message? I know it takes courage to reach out to a quasi-stranger on LinkedIn for a reference, but I’m not passing his resume along. I also know I’m not the hiring partner, but I know the hiring partner, and this applicant doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in he11.

    1. As a job seeker, of course I’d love that feedback. As the employee, no way I’d give that feedback. Not my place, not my role.

      I’m in a firm that has a similar family-like dynamic. I’d kindly and briefly reply to the person that you will pass it on and add a non-committal “best of luck”. I’d then walk it to the hiring manager and just give a download “got this resume, I told the person that I’d pass it on but I don’t expect it to be a fit. No pressure from me as he’s just an acquaintance” and leave it at that.

      If the person ever reached back out about their candidacy I’d just refer them to the hiring manager “Hi John, I’m not directly involved with this hiring so I’d recommend you continue following up with HR directly. Good luck.” I’d offer that once and then move on.

      1. That’s kinda where I land. Plus, there’s no way to know if they would respectfully take the feedback and go away, or whether they’d see that as an open door to argue themselves into a second chance, OR if they would figure you’re their go-to connection to the firm, and possibly other firms you have connections with, and keep messaging you about other jobs, follow up to ask if any new positions have opened up, and then when that fails, ask for an informational interview, and you don’t really want to be fielding all these requests. If you say something, and honestly don’t have to respond, it could be something like “it sounds like we already have your resume, and honestly I’m not in a position to influence the hiring process. Best of luck!”

    2. Just pass it along to the hiring manager and let the contact know you passed it along to them. He’s not looking for a reference anyway…just for you to pass it on. Your reputation isn’t going to suffer by doing this and it costs nothing to be kind.

      2. I’d have the direct opposite advice. You don’t have to be kind (aka passing on the resume) to “someone you briefly met once”. You can be kind by replying “good luck on your application! I hope you find a good fit job for your particular skill set and experience quickly” If you remember anything about this individual enough to compliment them on, play that up: I was impressed with your _________ skills, I’m sure that will serve you well in your career.

    3. In his position, I would appreciate that you looked at my info and the feedback that I do not meet minimum requirements for consideration. You’re kind to take the time to do this, and yes, it would be helpful to let him know. The alternative would be to ignore him, which many people would do.

      I disagree with the advice to pass on the resume of someone who is a completely irrelevant applicant and who you don’t really know at all.

      1. I agree. I’d prefer to know that this isn’t a possibility so I can cross it off my list and move on. I’d appreciate you taking the time to do tell me that, and would think well of you.

    4. I wouldn’t pass it along. Don’t know what the first responder is talking about. It’ll make YOU look like YOU don’t understand the requirements of your own firm!? Whether you want to tell him you can’t pass it along or not is up to you. I wouldn’t discuss with him that he isn’t the right fit — that isn’t your role.

    5. Different take: he’s never practiced law and sounds like he’s trying to break into the field. From his perspective, a small firm with a focus on what he did for 3 years (albeit as a non-attorney) is a very logical place to apply.

      I think people in that position are helped by having someone spell out the type of experience they are looking for, and maybe how some people have gotten that experience.

      1. OP here. This was helpful, thanks, and jogged something in my memory – he had messaged me last year for career advice. He really wants to practice law, but he has no experience and graduated ten years ago, so he’s going to have to come to grips with the fact that that ship has probably sailed. I ended up replying to this message that it was nice to hear from him, but “I think they’re really looking for someone who’s practiced,” and suggested an industry website with job postings where maybe he could find a J.D. advantage job and work his way back that way.

        1. Agreed – I can see where he’s coming from but it’s going to be so very hard to actually practice law if he graduated ten years ago and hasn’t ever practiced. Your response sounds very appropriate.

    6. How about being 95% honest? “Thanks for reaching out. I talked with the hiring manager about the job and he/she said that it isn’t a good fit for someone trying to break into practicing law. Good luck with your search!”

  9. Help me understand the idea of a basic green salad as a meal. I totally get how something like a green salad with grilled chicken/fish is a meal (or one with vegetarian protein options), but I keep seeing women eating what is essentially a pile of lettuce leaves with no protein or fat and calling it a meal. I also see these salads cost $12+ for “lunch” in my HCOL city. I presume these women are dieting, but how are they not positively starving after eating 200 calories or less worth of lunch or dinner? Some say they eat it every single day. What am I missing?

    1. If I am going to lunch for professional reasons but brought a real lunch / did a lot of morning snacking / am not otherwise hungry I will often order a simple salad.

    2. IDK

      I question 20 calories of lettuce and 50 calories of no-fat dressing (which to me is always nasty) or 200 calories of other dressings. To me, maybe an apple or a banana is better? But lettuce isn’t a veggie with any merit — I’m not on #TeamKale, but spinach or cabbage would be better fuel for your day (or a yogurt or cereal).

    3. I think it’s what their missing! I eat a lot of salad. I get home late from the gym and I’m tired and hungry and don’t feel like making anything major, but I always have chicken cooked for salads. One night, I forgot the chicken (left the container on the counter in my stupor and never put it in) and I was extremely hungry later. It just doesn’t work.

    4. I add fruits to my greens. Chopped apples, clementines, fresh berries, etc. I don’t really like fruits by themselves, but I do like salad so it’s a way to force more fruit into my diet. It makes the salad more filling too.

    5. I’ll call BS, no place is selling a pile of plain lettuce with low fat dressing for $12. As a non avid salad eater, you see a pile a lettuce while everyone else sees various greens topped with lots of kinds of vegetables with good nutritional value. I understand and agree on the calorie content and maybe they snack later but just because a salad lacks a traditional fish or chicken on top doesn’t make it an invalid meal. I’m honestly peeved on behalf of all the vegans you just insulted (and I’m a meat eater!).

      1. +1 I’m a vegan and avid salad eater. They are never ‘just lettuce’ it’s kale and cabbage and spinach sometimes with a grain often times with a legume, always with a wide variety of other fruits and veggies. Infact I just recently had a Thai mango salad with cilantro tofu in a peanut sauce, you bet that’s a full meal and lots of calories.

        1. I am decidedly not vegan and that salad sounds amazing – did you make it? If so, can you post the recipe???

          1. Yes I did! The base was whatever I had in my fridge so kale, savoy cabbage, and shredded broccoli stock but I’m sure any greens would work. I pressed the tofu, cubed it and then marinated it in the cilantro dip that normally comes with samosas, baked the tofu at 350 for about 30 minutes, then let it cool and tossed it in lime juice, it keeps well in the fridge for a few days. For the rest of the veg I shredded carrots, cubed an adulfo mango, sliced green onions, & thawed some frozen edamame. I toasted some cashews in sesame oil. Finally the dressing was peanut butter, soy sauce, rice vinegar, mirin, Sriracha, garlic powder, ginger power, maple syrup, and enough water to make it pourable. Sorry I don’t have exact measurements I was just sort of winging it.

      2. +1 OP, first of all, stop staring at people’s salads, that’s weird. Second of all, you’re probably not seeing things that add substantial amounts of calories.

    6. I eat Complicated Salads and they tend to have stuff in them to make them interesting and filling. Like my current go-to salad is spinach with pepitas, garbanzo beans, dried cranberries, quinoa… anyway, I mention those add ins because I am pretty sure that it looks like I’m just eating a pile of leaves when I dump it on my plate — but those delicious things are hiding there!

    7. My green salads (that I make at home and bring to work) are a lot more veggie-heavy than greens-heavy. I typically add carrots, sugar snap peas, beets, bell peppers, olives, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, hemp hearts, sunflower seeds. There is actually a lot of protein in this volume of veggies and it keeps me very full.

    8. I always ensure I have non-meat protein (edamame, egg, peas) so it might appear to be a pile of lettuce but is not. That said I usually need an afternoon snack but that’s ok because I don’t like a super filling lunch.

    9. Fwiw, I find I do best with a ‘bigger’ breakfast (calorie wise), a light lunch, afternoon snack and then a light dinner. A salad with lots of veggies added in would be ideal. Sandwiches or big piles of meat + carbs just make me sleep(ier) at my desk come 3pm.

    10. I make excellent salads with all the things (used to work in a vegan restaurant) but the key for DH and I is sheer volume. Mine have to be about 2-3 cups, for him I pack at least 4 cups if lunch is vegetarian. And it takes a serious investment of time to eat all that roughage–it isn’t something to daintily eat during while hysterically laughing for 5 minutes. So yeah, I agree with you that the tiny side salad isn’t a real meal.

    11. I think it’s really odd you’re this concerned over what you see other women eating for lunch. You have NO idea what they eat the rest of the day or what’s all in their salads. Maybe they wanted greens. Mind your business, seriously.

      1. Salads with only vegetables and no protein were what I ate when I had a raging eating disorder.

  10. I have a client event for a Boston Red Socks game at Fenway. I have been to Boston before, but not a baseball game there. I am flying in from 12 hours away.

    1. If you are staying downtown near Copley, what is the best way to get to Fenway at rush hour?
    2. Is Fenway in a neighborhood like Wrigleyville or Camden Yards? Or is it the sort of place you need to cab/T back from right away once the game is over?
    3. Any ideas about what people wear who go to Red Socks games in a box at Fenway? I go to hockey games, where the uniform is jeans and a team jersey. Baseball hasn’t really happened for me in decades, and I remember getting sunburned a lot and seating in the bleacher seats, so no real frame of reference (like are the boxes at Fenway open and hot or perhaps severely air-conditioned? Is it like SF games where it gets really cold at night and you need a jacket if you are in the regular stands?).

    1. 1. Fenway is about a mile from Copley and it’s an easy walk, so if weather cooperates and you won’t be a sweaty mess by the time you get to there (assuming you’re not taking the clients with you), walking is an option. You can also take the T from Copley Square to Kenmore (it’s like a couple stops down the D line), and walk from there, but you don’t save a ton of time that way. With traffic, taking an uber would take anywhere from 10-25 minutes in the evening.

      2. Fenway’s in a neighborhood and people stick around at the bars after, but it’s super bro-y in that area. So it’s safe but annoying (IMO, but I wasn’t a boston sports fan).

      3. I was in boston from my reunion a couple weeks ago and it was totally fine without a jacket at night. Never sat in the box seats in Fenway so I’m not sure if they’re inside or outside. I would guess a red sox hate or tshirt/jersey would not look amiss in the box seats, but I’ll defer to someone with more experience on that.

    2. 1. Green line / Uber
      2. I walk to the Pru after games all the time because the Green Line trains and Uber traffic are so terrible. Super safe area and you’ll be one of maaaaany doing the same.
      3. Jeans, t shirts, super casual. No need for uniforms. No need for even a Red Sox shirt… just do whatever suits you!

      and, SOX, not socks :)

    3. Sox. Red Sox.

      It’s a bit over mile to Fenway from Copley, so you can walk or take them T (Green Line).

    4. If you’re in a luxury box, it’s an inside room with a bathroom, kitchenette and some seating with a glass window/door to about three tiers of outside (covered) seating. If it’s a nice night, the window and door will likely be open, but the inside of the box is heavily air conditioned. People generally wear weather-appropriate business casual and might wear a team shirt or hat. If I didn’t know the group coming to the event, I’d be likely to wear some sort of ankle pant and a blouse or nice knit top, but people do wear jeans. Don’t worry about wearing team colors.

      All of the field boxes at Fenway are uncovered, so take that into account — but I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone refer to “watching a game from the box” when they’re talking about a field box.

      On all but the hottest evenings, it gets cool by the end of a night game at Fenway, so plan to bring a scarf or other layer.

    5. if you want to post your seat area I can give you some feedback on where you’re sitting and how it might affect attire and/or crowd level. also crowd attitude depends on who we’re playing – what date/time are you going?
      If you’re really in a box that’s POSH as heck and you should take me :)

      (I’d echo suggestions that Copley is a bit of a walk, but scenic. you can also very easily uber or Green Line T it to and from the game without issue)

      — season ticket holder

    6. 1- walk, Boston is the best town to walk in
      2- it’s right in the middle of the city, hair walk away after as it does get kinda clogged
      3- jeans and a t-shirt, exactly what you’d wear to a giants game (my boss likes to wear these cute boots when we go)

    7. I live near Copley and when we go to games we usually take a pedicab – it is fun! The pedicabs come out when there are Red Sox games and it’s easy to catch one around Copley. I don’t think there is a price – usually it’s something like pay what you think you should, so we usually do a $20 bill.

    8. 1. Walk. Copley to Fenway is not far at all. The Green Line will be packed, especially before a game, not worth the $2.
      2. Fenway is a fine area to be in at night, and the strip of Comm Ave to the Copley area is fairly nice. You’re also unlikely to be alone at that time, lots of people walk from Fenway to their hotels, apartments, cars, whathaveyou.
      3. Jeans and a t-shirt is fairly standard, but at this time of year you’ll definitely want a jacket or sweatshirt towards the end of the game. I have a Red Sox blanket I often take to games if the temp’s gonna dip below 65 or so.

      Have fun! I’m a fairly stereotypical Bostonian and I think Fenway is a fahkin’ GEM, ked!

  11. Good morning!
    I am the MOH for my sister’s January wedding! I have never been in a wedding party, and I am in charge of planning the bachelorette & bridal shower. To all of you ladies who have experience as MOH or bridesmaids, I’m open to any general advice for how to support my sister- as well as tangible to-dos I should have on my list.
    Also, thank you for some of the dress suggestions from Monday. I think I’m ordering one from Lulus (link to follow).

    2. I think for shower and bachelorette the big things to think about now are date, location, guest list, and budget. Think about what she would like, what you think will be easy for other people. And if you’re anticipating someone else contributing to the costs start talking to those people about what kind of things sound reasonable to them. No sense in you planning a 4 night bachelorette trip if no one else wants to go on it.

    3. Yep, have a sit down (preferably wine accompanied) convo with your sister and talk about what her vision is for those events. What does she like, what does she not like, how involved does she want to be in planning either, who does she want invited. Shared Pinterest boards are also helpful if she does have lots of ideas/vision to share.

      The most fun surprise I did for my sister was solicit all of her female friends who were coming to send me a picture of them with the bride and a fun story. I made them all into a photo book and gave it to her at her bachelorette party with some spare pages in the back to tape in photos from the party. It went over very well :).

    4. With a January wedding, you may want to schedule family events in conjunction with the winter holidays, so plan well ahead and send save the dates now.

    5. When planning a bachelorette, I used a Survey Monkey survey to get a sense of budget, timing preferences, restrictions, and who could drive from the people the bride wanted to invite.

      I got feedback that people really appreciated the survey.

      I didn’t know everyone before, but they were awesome and I wish I had more time with them.

  12. Do you buy health insurance when you travel internationally? I am going to Italy and trying to figure out if this is something I need to get.

    2. Check if it might be available through my job.

      My last job required lots of international travel to non tourist destinations and I believe the contract with the international medical and medevac insurance provider allowed employees to purchase it for personal trips. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure it was an option.

    4. I bought travel insurance with some substantial health insurance in there just in case. I have a chronic health condition and an unfortunate history of getting very sick at the worst times so I wanted to know I had it even if I don’t use any of the insurance once.

    5. No, unless your US health insurance is really terrible, it should cover emergency treatment abroad. Italy also has a national health care system, so health care doesn’t cost anywhere near what it does in the US. It might not be free for a non-citizen, but it will be very affordable compared to the US. When I was a kid traveling in Australia, I ended up going to the ER, having X-rays and getting a prescription and I think my parents paid $10 instead of the thousands it would have cost in the US.

    6. Depends on the country. I was once in the ER in Spain and they billed me a whopping $400 when I came home. If the country has national healthcare of some kind, I don’t bother.

      1. Same. I got ill in Guatemala and paid about $450 for very high quality medical care. The hospital physicians all spoke English, too.

    8. When traveling to a developing or really remote place, I get basic coverage that includes medical evacuation coverage. It is like $100 per trip, and seems worth the piece of mind since I’m often in remote areas and the medical care in the area is not great. For Europe, I don’t

    9. Thank you all! I didn’t get it when we went to England and Ireland and didn’t think anything of it, but the travel forums were all over the board on whether it is necessary for Europe. We are also taking our child on this trip, so it gave me pause.

        1. Hahaha I didn’t draft that well…I meant that to state that the travel forums were making me wonder if I had made a mistake thinking I didn’t need it when I went to England and Ireland because they stated you need it for Europe, which includes England and Ireland.

    10. I buy travel insurance as soon as I book the trip (well, I have an annual policy). This also covers me for things like my health preventing me from travelling or a bereavement immediately before the planned trip stopping me from going.

    11. My health insurance covers emergencies overseas (but I think not all do) and I can access cash for care at overseas prices quickly if that’s necessary, so I don’t bother with travel health insurance. I’d look into medevac insurance if I was going somewhere without a good medical system or off the beaten path.

      My experience with getting routine medical care in England has been that it’s inexpensive compared to the US. For example, my dad ran out of diabetes medication on a Sunday in London. Going to a private, fabulously qualified doctor in a posh neighborhood for an rx (that had to be adjusted for what was available locally) was way less than an urgent care visit in the US.

  13. My weight usually fluctuates by about 5lbs, but it always a normal (high end of normal) BMI. I don’t step on the scale often because these fluctuations have been consistent throughout my adult life. This morning I stepped on the scale and the number was 2lbs higher than is my normal “range”, and is officially into the overweight BMI range. My body doesn’t feel any different, but I’m freaking out. What a wake up call!

    2. 2 lbs really isn’t a lot. Maybe you ate or drank more yesterday than normal. My weight can fluctuate up to 5lbs DAILY based on what I ate.

      1. I disagree, if you have a normal 5lb range and you’re 2 above that, then you’re SEVEN pounds more than your lowest weight. I’d use this as a wakeup call to modify your diet and try to get back down within your preferred range. Signed, someone who was “only” two pounds above her range, and then three, and then four… now sitting at 8lbs above and having to diet and exercise it off.

          1. I wish I was a bit more concerned when I was on the high end of normal. Between not being careful, 2 pregnancies, and stress eating when I was primary caregiver for my dying parent and caring for 2 young children, I edged into obesity.

            It’s harder to lose weight now that I’m a bit older and I have so much more to lose. Also, I’ve spent years heavier than I should be for health. While my parent didn’t die from obesity, it contributed to a lot of misery and may have contributed to the ultimate cause of death. I don’t want to do that to my body.

      2. Also BMI isn’t a great metric for determining health. You could be “overweight” but that doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy. My boyfriend is “overweight” but he is very lean, just a lot of muscle.

        1. I think that’s true for powerlifters and very lean people (who have so much muscle they are still heavy). But I sit at a desk for 8 hours and eat nachos, so I know that that ain’t me.

          1. Preach. I know my weight gain isn’t lean muscle and avocados, it’s cheesecake and after work happy hours.

          2. Still doesn’t mean that you are unhealthy. BMI is a height/weight ratio, essentially. It can’t pass any judgments on the ration of things making up that weight. Bones, muscles, fluids, fat, etc. all factor into that.

    3. Honestly, this post is pretty dramatic and self-indulgent. You have no idea what it’s like to be actually overweight.

        1. Disagree. The BMI charts don’t differentiate between men and women, so if a woman falls in the “overweight” range she is more than overweight. Seven pounds is also a lot on a small frame.

          1. I see it as 5 pounds + 2 pounds is 7 pounds. I’m 5-4 and 7 pounds would have my attention.

          2. And as discussed above, BMI is just a bad indicator of health, so I wouldn’t focus on what BMI tells you without other context.

      2. Let’s not do struggle comparisons here. OP is not overweight clinically but it is above her normal so it is perfectly legitimate to worry about because it can be a slippery slope to unhealthy weights if not watched. It’s unfair to judge her for caring about her own health preemptively. She said nothing about understanding the trials and tribulations of being overweight.
        Just like if you’re in a normal range of fat you have no idea what it’s like to be 400+ lbs and you’d be angry if a 400 lb person said “shut up you’re only 220 lbs you don’t know my struggle.” Your comment screams “my struggle is harder than yours so your struggle isn’t valid”. Don’t be a jerk.

    4. BMI is a terrible proxy for health, can we please throw this outdated measurement out the window?

    5. I mean, it’s two pounds. You can lose that in a week or two if you want to. It happens to us all as time goes on. :)

    6. I have a 3-3-3 rule (I’m losing weight slowly – in that I aim for an interim goal weight and then try to stick to there or below for a little while before proceeding, otherwise I over-restrict) – if I’m 3 lb over whatever the upper bound is, for 3 days in a row, it’s time for 3 weeks of tracking what I’m eating on MyFitnessPal.

    7. Yes it’s “only” two pounds, but sometimes it’s cumulating over the months/years.
      I think that depending on each person it can be no big deal or a real concern.
      But in my case I found it really easier to deal with the first 2 pounds than wait…

      1. Oh yes. Two pounds no big deal. Next two pounds also no big deal. Up to 15 over but hey I can carry it and I can lose it if I want to. Then another two pounds. And so on. Next thing you know, you’re me, staring into the abyss of massive weight loss. Take those two pounds off in the way that is most effective and healthy for you. Ignore the people who think this is drama. And good on you for wanting to address weight gain before it requires a major, miserable, sustained effort.

    8. I might take that extra 2 lbs as a gentle warning that I’ve been eating just a bit more than I need to these days – or drinking too much – and just try to be extra careful for a little while. I remember being in denial when I started gaining weight – oh it’s just PMS bloat, oh my clothes are just shrinking, oh I just had a big meal, it’s Thanksgiving, it’s Christmas, it’s Easter, it’s . . . time to buy new clothes . . . it’s time to join ClassPass . . .

      I have it much more under control now! I finally found some workouts and diet strategies that work for me. I also recommend measuring your waist in addition to weighing yourself. Sometimes the change in waist circumference don’t always correlate perfectly to changes in weight.

  14. Thoughts on the three high school track athletes in Connecticut suing the US Education Department, seeking an investigation to ensure competitions “fair”? They argue transgender athletes have cost them top finishes in races and possibly college scholarships.

    Disclaimer: not a t r o l l. regular poster. believer in equal rights and full supporter of LGBTQ.. it’s just a curious situation to this non-legal mind and former high school athlete, and I’m interested to see what others’ takes are on it. And, FWIW I don’t like that the suit evidently refers to the transgender athletes as “boys”… maybe that’s a function of the Christian organization that is actually bringing the suit. That aside, the issue is an intriguing one.

    1. I read the article and see it as a clear test case to attack trans kids. As a cisgender woman who’s battled hormonal problems (PCOS), it seems ridiculous. Are schools going to do hormone tests on all kids? Kids are already transitioning in high school regardless of cis or transgender identity. Its called puberty. Are we going to have separate divisions for those who have gone through puberty versus those who haven’t? Of course not.

        1. This argument makes no sense. (1) PCOS and puberty don’t have nearly the same impact on athletic performance that biological sex does. (2) Nearly every child will go through puberty at some point, so even if a child is at a temporary disadvantage as a result of late puberty, he or she will eventually catch up. (3) The fact that many high schools have separate freshman, JV, and varsity teams mitigates the puberty issue by allowing less physically mature kids the opportunity to continue competing and building skills while they grow.

        2. No, it’s really not. Sports are split by sex and there is great variation within those categories. Some are tall, some are short, some are lean, some are heavy, some have bad ankles, some haven’t gone through puberty yet, etc. That’s the kind of variation that still allows for competitive competition. Allowing biologically male people to compete as girls is anti-competitive as evidenced by the CT results. If they were no different than the other girls, they would be just as non-competitive as they were when they were in the boys’ division.

      2. Is it that hard to understand that if you have a pen!$ you shouldn’t be competing in women’s sports? I don’t see this as attacking trans people at all. I see it as trans people taking way too much.

        1. Where do you think trans men should compete? Do they compete with girls even if they’re on testosterone? See how reductive your argument is?

          1. They can compete in the open division (comment at 10:22 in the thread below – misplaced).

          2. But it’s not sporting to compete against people that you know you’re going to beat. Maybe they should run against the JV boys?

          3. They currently compete against biological men because they are on testosterone. There is nothing inconsistent about putting both transmen and transwomen in the same “open” division to compete against men. All of these groups have a hormonal advantage over cis women.

          4. I think it’s one of those issues where the group is just going to have to take an L. The treatment for gender dysphoria is transitioning. If you want to be treated for your gender dysphoria, you will have to be okay with not doing certain INCREDIBILY optional things like playing sports. You can’t significantly burden other people with treatment for your disability unless it revolves around a human right (ex. voting, ability to work, etc.). Sports competition is just…not available if sports value fairness in competition – which we have established over the last 100+ years of sports competition includes letting women compete in their own category. I’m sorry I’m very “do you, go you” but for a handful of trans athletes to destroy competitive female sports KNOWING they are at a competitive advantage due to their mental illness is just…selfish.

          5. They can either compete with girls and not take testosterone or compete with boys.

        2. Maybe sports shouldn’t be gender segregated at all? If we care about competition, then may the best human win.

          3. It’s a hormonal and biological distinction, not a gender-identity distinction. You think Simone Biles and Serena Williams, two of the greatest athletes who ever lived, should have to compete against men?

          4. The best human at physical sports will 95% of the time be men. Even a weak performing male will generally be stronger that the strongest female. The same type of person like you saying “no segregation in sports” will then be complaining about why there are no longer any women in sports. Because what you wanted happened you dodo brain! It’s just not that hard to understand the concept that men are genetically predisposed to have more muscle, longer legs, and greater speed. It’s telling that you think it’s ok that only what is basically a genetic freak of a woman (not saying strong women are freaks but a woman in the .0001% outlier in strength and speed) is valid to compete against run of the mill good male athletes. I hope you don’t have daughters you’re going to raise them with sh*tty attitudes about gender fairness and equity.

            Also, look up the definitions of equity and equality while you’re at it, you might learn something.

          5. That’s what we do with marathons — 1 marathon. We recognize top male performers, top female performers, top for age, etc. Maybe we add more categories?

          6. Anon @12:34, no, the men and women don’t compete against each other in marathons! They run on the same course, but they are not competing against each other. You admit yourself that there are separate divisions.

          7. Maybe we would come up with new sports that women excel at? Are men just competitively superior to women in every possible sport?

          8. (Because it seems much more likely to me that popular sports were designed to celebrate what testosterone makes you great at, but that other sports–perhaps some not yet discovered–may favor women. I’ve heard that marksmanship favors women, for example.)

    2. I hope they win. Transgender rights shouldn’t come at the expense of erasing opportunities for women and girls. If they want to live their lives as women, absolutely. But since they are not biologically female, they should not be permitted to compete in women’s sports. Frankly, I view it as cheating and it is selfish and entitled. They know they are only winning because of an unfair competitive advantage. We don’t let women take testosterone to compete in sports.

        1. What is wrong with an open division?

          If you treat girls as a junior varsity (that will always be less than the boys), if there is no real competition, how is that fair? We usually have varsity, junior varsity, and freshman to let people develop and recognize accomplishments. Letting varsity level players compete against the strength equivalent of a freshman makes no sense and serves no one well.

      2. I wonder if that will start happening when female (XX) athletes go the East German Swimmer route to win b/c they will otherwise lose.

        I mean, I was a good but not great athlete and didn’t have to worry about scholarships to go to college on, but that is a legit thing for some kids (for me, it was you have 1400 SATs and are on the math team so please go out and be in a real sport to show that you are well-rounded). But, Varsity Blues not withstanding, college applications in my era asked if you had had any local / county / state / all-american wins / honors /recognitions in any sports or activities or other things (like “I won a Tony” or “USA Today First Team in X” or “state championship in Y”). I knew a lot of kids who were state champions in a sport (not mine) that my high school was very good at (people would actually move to our town or rent an apartment for HS if their kids showed promise) and it 100% made an admissions difference and maybe 90% of the time was relied on by those families for scholarships.

        IDK if you can say “State Championship in X*” and get to add “I placed fourth but lost to 3 runners who are genetically XY who previously ran but didn’t place in the boys division but trounced me as the XX girl who clocked in with a great time in 4th but couldn’t do better because of how I was born.” It does seem like it would be fair to add, as these girls are being disadvantaged compared to other girls who just have to compete against XX runners.

        1. Yeah, unfortunately this is the truth. This impacts real young women’s lives and opportunities. The reality is that even a very mediocre biological male will outperform a decently trained female high school student, taking her place in a college of her choice. It sucks to be biologically born with the wrong sex, but it REALLY sucks to be biologically born into a sex that is systemically disadvantaged in availability of life shaping opportunities and there are a lot more of the latter than the former.

      3. I am very liberal, but I agree with this. I’m all for transgender rights, but not at the expense of biological women and girls. I would support open leagues or other options that doesn’t foreclose opportunities for biological women and girls who are at a physical disadvantage.

    3. As a former HS athlete I can see how it wouldn’t feel “fair” but I have a hard to believing anyone is losing college scholarships over this. In my own experience with college recruitment coaches heavily evaluate the individual athlete as a whole. Pure stats, such as number of wins in races, would be relatively meaningless.

      1. It really bothers me a lot to have boys setting records in girls sports. You aren’t actually a record setting athlete. You’re cheating and you know it.

        1. I think that they should get a *, too. If the McGwire/Sosa record has an * next to it for steriods (in my mind it does), then a person who is XY setting a girls record should get a *, too (perhaps noting just that — winner was XY at birth).

          You won, but it wasn’t an apples-to-apples race.

        2. The sexism is amazing. You have people who were born male, have all the social advantages of being male, the physical advantages, who then say they are the victims when women lose to them.

      2. They’re not losing scholarship opportunities due to trans-girls. NCAA’s own policy states that in order to compete as female, an athlete must be on testosterone-supression for a year. That tends to do a number to athletic performance, PLUS they have to sit out for a year if they hadn’t been on medication prior. Coaches are not about to risk a scholarship slot on such an unknown quantity.

        1. This is what confuses me about the outrage here. I get if someone hasn’t medically transitioned, or if they JUST medically transitioned. But there are kids today who come out as trans in elementary school and never go through puberty in their assigned at birth sex. Doubt they have an advantage over “biological” women.

    4. Sports are segregated by sex for a reason. If they weren’t, Serena Williams would be ranked something like 500th in the world instead of number 1. The top female sprinters in the world would be ranked 1,000th or lower because hundreds of top high school boys regularly beat their world record times. Sports have been such an essential tool for empowering women and giving them space to compete away from men. I oppose any policy that takes that competition away over the objections of female athletes. We’re not talking about casual backyard basketball here – we’re talking about the top high school athletes who may go on to compete in D1 sports or even become professionals. Their early results matter. This isn’t a human rights issue (no one has the right to be selected for the track team – some people just aren’t good athletes). It’s a competitive issue.

    5. My major thought is: whenever someone complains about the unfair advantage of being a transwoman in America, I roll my eyes so hard that I start to fear my granny was right and they really will get stuck that way. This perspective is gross. It is bigoted. It is ill-informed. I do not know why people (or, perhaps, the same gross, bigoted person) continually brings it up.

      1. because it isn’t that simple and I don’t think it’s all just one poster. I don’t think being a trans woman is easy at all. I think it’s incredibly dangerous. But I don’t think because that is true we should let them ruin women’s sports.

      2. Sorry you suck as a person, but hard-working women athletes deserve better than your lazy cruelty.

        1. Anon at 1137

          This response was unkind and uncalled for and not in the spirit of a good faith discussion.

          1. It was in a response calling those of us who don’t think trans women should get to compete in women’s track bigoted and gross.

          2. I get that. I still think it was out of bounds to proclaim someone “sucks as a person” because she passionately advocated for a different marginalized group.

      3. Nobody is saying transwomen are “advantaged.” Saying they shouldn’t be able to compete in girl’s or women’s sports isn’t inconsistent with saying that as a group they’re very marginalized. It’s not all one person. I’m not the OP but I agree with her and several of the other posters that biological males shoudn’t be denying girls and women the opportunity to achieve success in sports. I don’t care what bathroom anyone uses and I believe that transwomen are far (far far) more likely to be assaulted than commit assault.

    6. I am curious though, as we always talk about male to female transitions in these scenarios and not female to male. So if you have a biologically female athlete who presents as male and is taking testosterone in order to transition, where do they compete? Or are you arguing they should be banned altogether?

      5. The NWHL has a trans FTM player. He presents as male but has not started physically transitioning with medications so it would still be fair for him to compete in the women’s league. I think this is the way to do it. Compete in the division you are most biologically similar to. Everyone else needs to learn to be more inclusive of this. The NWHL was very accepting of this player and their gender identity.

  15. Why are some people so hateful online? Vent. I read a disturbing new article on my local paper’s social media. A family’s pet cat was shot and had to be put to sleep. It is illegal to discharge a firearm in the city. It could have been a kid. I felt nauseated reading this because the same thing happened to my family. When I was a teen, someone shot my cat. She managed to drag herself to our deck. I found her, and we also put her to sleep. It was heartbreaking. We never again let a cat outside. My 7 year old brother was traumatized.
    I don’t understand why someone would do such a thing. To make it worse, there are myriad comments from “its just a cat” to “cats are mean” and “I’m allergic and hate cats”. Allergic or not, why throw someone’s grief in their face? What motivates people to be such terrible human beings? It makes me feel so negative about the world. If I see something I don’t like on social media, I keep scrolling. I can’t imagine mocking a family/community’s grief and fear.

    1. I avoid reading the comments section of almost everything online. People are jerks. They hide behind the anonymity of the keyboard and think they are being witty or controversial. As to why? Who knows? I don’t try to figure out why any more. There’s no point and nothing good comes from trying to engage with people online. I just do my best to be a kind person in real life.

      1. I’m not sure it has anything to do with anonymity or being online (it’s not like people are any better on Facebook). I think they are just different people than the people you know, or they’re people you only see when they are on their best behavior.

        But unfortunately, many, many people are just this awful in person.

  16. My last day at my current job is June 28. I start at my new job on July 5, but my health insurance likely doesn’t kick in until August. How do I know whether I should sign up for Cobra now? I am told I have 30 days from my last day of work to apply for it. I don’t have any health needs right now and am not on any medications, but if something comes up during July, will it be a problem under my new insurer if I don’t pay for Cobra during the coverage gap?

    1. You apply, but you don’t bother paying unless you have a medical need that you want insurance to cover.

    2. My understanding is that if you should need it during your gap, you can sign up for Cobra retroactively. So, you should be fine with the “wait and see” method if that is the case.

    3. Unless things have changed, you don’t have to apply or pay for Cobra ahead of time. It is available if something comes up that can’t wait until your new insurance kicks in, then you can sign up, pay, and have Cobra apply retroactively. Talk to your current employer’s benefits person to confirm.

    4. It’s not much of a coverage gap. Your current coverage will go to the end of the month. If your new employer’s insurance starts with the job, then that’s 4 days uncovered. And as others have noted, COBRA can be selected retroactively. You’re good!

    5. As other said, you should be able to retroactively elect it within a certain time period (and I think the gap you mention would be ok, but obviously double check that). I suggest filling out all the paperwork and leave a copy with someone you trust just in case you are incapacitated and need coverage.

  17. Anyone have any recommendations for a 10-15 minute (free) online exercise video for abs? And then one for glutes, too? I run 3-4 times per week and do a full body lifting session 1-3 times per week. But I’d really like something I can do at home to target those spots. Thanks!

    1. I like oympic swimmer Dara Torres’ ab workout. You can google for it. Super easy to do at home.

    2. It depends on your overall fitness goals, if you’re looking for overall strength and toning, I like the Tone it Up videos and they have several short ab videos. If you’re looking for more of a visual difference (which is hard unless you’re very lean), Mallory Ervin has a great workout series on how she prepared for the Miss America swimsuit competition (back when they had it). It’s in her “How to get in shape and lose weight really fast” video. It’s a series of 4 ab exercises that you do on the mat (along with the other things she did). I really like the video because clearly, this girl had top trainers creating her routine (and I’m sure she did other things too, but the approach is really simple). I like that it’s so straightforward.

    5. Blogilates on Youtube has a whole series call the 100 ab challenge. She’s also got some glute-specific ones too.

  18. I think it’s completely unfair. In CT, the top two finishers in the state running championships were transgirls (biologically male). Neither had been competitive in the boys’ division, but they are trouncing the girls and earning state records to boot. Not that it matters because other male biological advantages such as musculature and lung capacity persist anyway, but neither was on hormone therapy. The girls who are complaining are correct that they have lost out on the chance to qualify for higher levels of competition, scouting opportunities, and potential college scholarships. This problem is also evident in adult sports; recently, a transwoman weighlifter who moved over to the women’s division easily smashed seven women’s world records in a single day. Those records were rightfully disqualified after an investigation.

    My solution to the problem is to have a girls’ division and an open division (which will include boys, transgirls, girls, and anyone else who wishes to compete). Then everyone gets a competitive division, no one has to reveal their gender identity, and everyone gets to participate in sports, which are definitely good for youth. This is the option that is both fair and inclusive.

    1. Putting trans girls, who are physically and sexually assaulted at high rates, with cis boys in an open division…what could go wrong?

      2. The issue of which locker room they use is completely separate from the issue of the division in which they compete.

      3. In the competition or otherwise? B/c the solution outside of the immediate competition is not better when you add in girls, who are often physically and sexually assaulted at high rates. It is just different. Sacrifice the girls, as history always does.

    2. I think it’s telling that elite female teams practice against guys.

      At a swim meet recently for my neighborhood pool, we combined heats for the high school events and a team of girls (so puberty has hit, it’s not like the kids were 7) beat a team of boys in a relay. It was amazing to see b/c the boys were good but the girls may be D1 athletes in college for swimming. But if playing mediocre boys in college basketball (“the practice squad”) is a challenge for elite women in the same sport, that should be telling us something.

      Or maybe we abandon women’s sports and per Title 9 just make them equally representative (so Duke “basketball” now includes everyone and even women have to play / start / have equal time)? Oh, the alumni would never allow that :)

      1. Lol you have to be a dude. Your solution to untransitioned trans competition in female sports is to get rid of female sports? That’s the most promale thing I’ve ever heard. Your ignorance coming through (although I’m positive you’re the same OP troll) is astounding. “Things aren’t fair so let’s make it even hard for women to compete – now it’s fair for all, especially for the gender that is biologically predisposed to be faster and strong”. Get outta here with that BS

      2. At the bottom of the slippery slope is an elite men’s division and a women’s division where the winners all have Y chromosomes.

        But why have 2 divisions? If we have apples and oranges, we need figs and pears to have their divisions, too. No point having a fig compete in the orange division if it is like an orange and yet not an actual orange. Maybe Tangellos would be better (or nectarines) as examples. But we just need more divisions. Cramming everything into two divisions will cause unfairness.

    4. Agree and I think it’s weird that people think it’s “anti-trans” to say that people who are biologically male shouldn’t be competing in women’s sports. I have no issue with anyone identifying however they want to identify, using whatever bathroom etc but it’s wildly unfair to all those girls who are losing records to people who have the advantages of being biologically male.

      1. I know people in tennis who should be at a 4.5 level and play daily playing in 2.5 or 3.0 leagues b/c they just can’t give up being state champs or going to states or getting recognition. They are full-blown grownups who should be over this but they won’t. So they play against weak or developing players or older players that they are safe knowing they can beat them and the outcome really isn’t in doubt. It’s not good sportsmanship, even if it is a win.

        That is what colors my sense of this. It seems like they want to win.

    5. They’re not missing out on college opportunities because of the trans-girls. NCAA rules mandate medical transitioning for at least a year before being eligible to compete as female, which tends to really do a number on prior athletic ability. They’re not being recruited for high level college sports (though a few compete in JC). The cis-girls who are complaining, if they’re not being recruited, either aren’t fast enough on their own merits, or their poor sportsmanship is a turnoff to college coaches, or both.

      1. I don’t think they’re saying that trans girls are taking their college spots, but rather that they’re being overlooked for opportunities they would have otherwise gotten because they don’t have the titles they deserve. Eg if the top two finishers are trans, the third place finisher is actually the winner among females but doesn’t have a state title, which would presumably attract a lot of recruiters. Recruiting isn’t usually state-specific, so the third place finisher in CT might lose a college scholarship slot to the state champion from a different state, because the colleges don’t realize she was effectively a state champion too.

      2. IDK — it seems that there is a fundamental sense of unfairness here. I can totally get how the girls feel the way that they do.

        No one wants to be unfair. I don’t know how you can split the baby on this issue. But I do understand the girls’ side of it (and I know the NCAA policy and I don’t think it is a complete solution and this is high school anyway).

        1. The cis-girls are victims? Of what?
          If I took to the press with “But it’s not faaaair” because I didn’t win a race my coaches and parents would have kicked my butt into the next county. I guarantee that college coaches don’t look highly on that sort of behavior, either.

          3. Do you also blame victims when they are moved down in class rank because other people cheated for good grades?

          4. People are suing over the Varsity Blues case, so yes. Lance Armstrong doped. East German swimmers clearly had some unfair advantage due to chemistry.

            Some people had an unfair advantage, the playing field was not level, and the people playing fairly lost out.

            I mean, we have the Special Olympics for a reason along with the Paralympics. We create a division for A and then B, who is advantaged over A, shouldn’t compete in A’s division.

          5. But they’re not cheating or breaking the rules. The rules are what they are. Advocate for having them changed if you like, but labeling the trans athletes as cheaters simply isn’t true.

      6. Right, it’s like Fisher v. UT, where a white woman claimed affirmative action cost her a spot at her university of choice, when really the evidence demonstrated she was an unqualified candidate.

        1. Do you really think that’s analogous to the top female runner in the state suddenly coming in a distant second when a transgirl moves into the division and annihilates the competition easily?

          1. Yes. If you look up the complaining girl’s times, they’re not fast enough to be competitive in D1 regardless of who she’s running against. She’d probably do fine in DIII. That’s the beauty of track & field. Times don’t lie. Even the trans girls’ times are ok-but-not-great on the national level.

    6. Guys I think this is the same troll who took a short break who keeps posting gripes on the same topic in slightly varying ways. This has been discussed ad naseum and is almost as notorious as the collared shirt troller. Don’t bite – or better yet take thee to the search bar to see his or her history of s*** posting.

        1. Convincing.

          Even with an “im not a tr0ll” disclaimer, these threads always devolve into the exact same types of comments making the exact same arguments–always always always coming back to “wHy Do U tHiNk WoMeN’s RiGhTs DoN’t MaTtEr!?” and getting really, really nasty. I mean how long did it take for us to get graced with a “you suck as a person” comment. It’s just obnoxious. That doesn’t mean the issue is not interesting or worthy of constructive discussion, but these threads really don’t live up to that aspiration.

          1. Original OP to the thread that started this. I’ve posted nowhere else in this chain except once below that I think is in mod under the same “OG OP” handle – I’ve been in a pitch for new business all morning since I posted (which I crushed, btw, go me!). Maybe there are other t r o l l s who have jumped in but it’s definitely not me.

      2. Doesn’t matter if it’s a troll. It’s a legitimate question that has no easy answer and shouldn’t just be shut down. Maybe we need to grapple with it.

        1. Trans women and girls are women and girls! Seems to be a lot of transphobia here.

      4. I’m one of the posters who was called an anti-trans troll before for wanting to discuss these issues and I’m not the OP here. There’s more than one of us who thinks this issue is nuanced and transwomen aren’t unconditionally women in every aspect of their lives.

        1. I’m not the OP either and I’ve been called a trans troll at least twice for posting some current news or question about balancing trans and women’s rights two or three times in five years. This defensive troll accusation pattern is disingenuous and tiresome.

      5. This is not a troll, and I hate how quick everyone here is to dismiss a post they don’t like with that label. Many, many people have agreed with the OP. I can respect and value trans rights, without wanting to erase and remove opportunities for women.

      6. Do you think all the comments are from trolls? I really don’t get this constant complaining about a trans troll. Yes, there have been several posts about this social issue, but that doesn’t mean it’s all from a troll. I think the comments today indicate that a lot of people are interested in this.

      7. OMG not a troll. I’m the OP to the original thread above on the topic. I am also the Bostonian poster above offering advice about how to get to Fenway. I’m a very long-time reader and poster who always goes anon. I remember the original Ellen, KT (whatever happened to her??), MissBehaved (a favorite..) and before mod existed around here. Trust me – non-t r o l l…

        I heard this news story on Boston’s WBZ 1030 news program on my ride into work this morning and it stuck so I decided to access the smart minds of the Hive to learn about other perspectives and figure out how to process my own feelings on the subject because I am conflicted. I am most appreciative of the perspectives offered above and I think now I’m more comfortable with where I’m landing on the issue.

        FWIW, I think folks default to t r o l l way too frequently. YES we have them here – it’s just collateral damage for having a relatively open forum. That said, topics can be controversial and can still be discussed by well-intentioned, non pot stirring folks. But, even if I were a t r o l l , can’t you see from the lengthy thread (that I suspected my initial question would spur) that there are many people on both sides of the topic? And, therefore, t r o l l or not, it’s probably a worthwhile, provocative and interesting discussion to have on a board full of such smart, dynamic women? Have some generosity of spirit on occasion maybe and assume good intentions (Senior Attorney, I’m winking in your direction).

  19. I want to use my phone less. I find myself getting SO easily distracted by it, like I can’t focus on anything. Like I’ll be at home and scroll on instagram for a few minutes and then turns into an hour, and jump around between facebook and reddit and that’s another hour. I just feel like I’m wasting so much time doing nothing. How do I make it stop?

    1. I put my phone on powersaving mode so that nothing can get through but texts and calls and stick it in a drawer. Out of sight out of mind and if I get so bored I pull it out, the grey power saver screen is a strong reminder of “you’re not supposed to be doing this” and the wait for it to boot back up to normal is annoying.

    2. Take the instagram and facebook apps off your phone. After a few days, you won’t even miss it.

    3. It’s hard. For me, it’s always having one or a few books that I’m reading ready to go as an alternative, and putting my phone on a charger in one spot in the kitchen. At work, I keep my phone on a bookcase behind me.

      I found Cal Newport’s book Digital Minimalism really helpful.

      1. This. I read that Gretchen Rubin has these personal mantras for herself, so I made one for myself- Read books, not the internet. If I scroll for an hour I come away with a headache and often anxiety from staring at other people’s highlight reels. But if I read a book instead, I feel refreshed and often invigorated.

    4. You need to remove apps from your phone. You can check Instagram once a week in a 20-minute session at your desktop. That’s what I had to go and it’s worked wonders.

    5. I struggle with this too sometimes so maybe I’m not the best responder, but a) I’ve deleted most of those apps (I still go on to some of the actual websites in my phone browser though, so not sure how much this helped). b) I’ve definitely turned off all of my notifications that flash on the screen to at least stop one of the triggers that make you go on these sites. c) On facebook I “hid” a ton of people. Anyone I hadn’t seen for years and didn’t anticipate seeing again or maybe even ever (but yet didn’t want to “unfriend them” for various reasons). This made facebook much more dull for me as I only see a few posters & they don’t post that often so kind of a natural detachment. d) I try not to post much myself. I don’t know why I even care, but if I’ve posted recently I definitely check more often to see what comments etc. anyone may have written. e) agreed with other reviewers that I always have a kindle book on my phone I can read for those few minutes of passing time needed instead. I always feel SO much better when I do that.
      Good luck!

      1. My strategy for not pulling up facebook on a browser (after deleting the app) is to change my password to something crazy and hard to remember and then save it in a password manager I can only access through my desktop.

    6. Do you have an iPhone? Under the Screen Time function in settings you can set time limits for specific apps or types of apps. I have one set for social media apps. You can still use them if you’ve reached your time limit, but it makes you ask for it, and that alone usually makes me stop and think about whether I really want to keep scrolling through Instagram.

  20. It’s rainy and gross and I want to read a dystopian page turner. Station Eleven would be ideal if I hadn’t already read it. Any thoughts?

    1. This is my preferred genre! Not sure if this squarely hits your mark, but one of my favorites is Borne by Jeff VanderMeer. (His Southern Reach trilogy is also excellent/bizarre). For other sci-fi-ish post-apolocalyptic books, have you read Wool, the Fifth Season, Oryx and Crake, Riddley Walker? More thoughts: Never Let Me Go, The Sparrow, A Canticle for Leibowitz…

      You’ve probably read The Hunger Games, but I think they are pretty great (I’m a big YA fan, though). The Giver is another great YA classic.

      2. Along the lines of YA dystopia – I liked Enclave / Outpost / Horde from Ann Aguirre.

    2. Smoke, by Dan Vyleta. Set in a Dickensian London where your sin is visible as smoke.

    6. I’ve only read an excerpt so far but what about Severance by Ling Ma? It’s supposed to be a “post apocalyptic workplace novel”, so to speak.

      1. This was a case of interesting concept but not enough meat on the bone in my opinion. It was a very odd combo of a millenial midlife crisis/malaise novel coupled with an ‘oh, the world is ending? now what?’ approach. And not to spoil it, but I was REALLY mad at the ending that they tried to spin as a positive for the main character.

      2. I liked it. There was weird post-apocalyptic ennui paired with a lightweight storyline and unusual grammar that I found distracting and interesting. I also liked all the neologisms and appreciated reading something from a different perspective than a lot of the stuff I read.

    8. Life as We Know It by Susan Beth Pfeffer. It is YA and I’ve only read the first one but it stuck with me. The Road is a great suggestion. How about The Passage by Justin Cronin?

      1. +4 the Power was great, both really well written and thought out from a world-building perspective.

    11. SM Stirling’s change series. Start with”Dies the fire” or “Island in the sea of time”

    12. I really enjoyed an Ocean of Minutes by Thea Lim. It’s actually the first book I finished in 2019, and I think of it at least once a week. I

  21. Vicarious shopping help desperately needed! I’m going to Las Vegas Vegas next week and will be seeing an Aerosmith concert, and I’m not sure what to wear. It’s obviously going to be hot, and I think my normal concert of jeans, a top, and booties will be too warm. Any suggestions of how to put an outfit together that will work for that type of concert in that weather?

    2. Vegas local here. A lot of women will wear a concert/graphic tee, cut off shorts, and either fashionable sneakers or substantial sandals. Less boho-fairy princess than Coachella and a bit more rock-n-roll than a country music concert.

  22. Can anyone share their experiences with refinancing a mortgage? How did you know it was worth it, and how far into home ownership were you? Our home is currently financed at 4.5%, which seems high, so I’m hoping that we can do better by refinancing but I know almost nothing about the process. Would appreciate any anecdotes or advice!

    1. People who had mortgages with double digit rates during the Jimmy Carter years will invariably tell you that 4.5% is very much among historical lows.

      Whether it’s worth it is an easy math problem. Get a quote for closing costs – say it’s $6k. Look at how much savings you’ll have from dropping to, say, 3.5%, from 4.5% – say $50 per month. It’ll take you 120 payments – or 10 years – for it to be worth it. Some places offer no closing cost refis – look into those.

    2. I agree with the above that 4.5% doesn’t seem outlandishly high. Our first mortgage in 2007 was at 6.25%, which was about the going-rate then. Also agree that it’s really a math problem – how long will it take you to recoup the closing costs associated with it. You also have to remember than unless you are re-fi-ing into a shorter term, like 15 from a 30, you’re re-starting the 30 years all over again when you re-fi. It can be worth it, but if you’re only going from 4.5% to 4.25% or something, I highly doubt it.

    3. Agree with this– you really just need to do the math to see if this works out for you. We looked into refinancing because the value of our house had gone up a lot, and we wanted to get rid of PMI. However, the amount we would have to pay in closing costs was so high that we would not have saved money unless we had switched to a 15-year mortgage (and did not want to up our mortgage payment because we are TTC in the next year or so). For us, the better solution was to just increase our monthly payments when we can to pay off the loan faster.

    4. We just locked at 3.77% for a 30 year mortgage. 72% LTV and we have top tier credit.

      Rates are PLUMMETING right now and are forecasted to only go down. Do the math. If it makes sense, go for it.

      Signed, commercial real estate mortgage broker, which is different but not that different from a resi broker

  23. Shopping help! Looking for a belted, full skirt dress with short sleeves. Work appropriate and knee length. Prefer not a wrap dress. I have one like this and it’s my favorite summer work dress, but it is years old. Anyone seen this lately? TIA!

    1. Would you be willing to go with a skirt/shirt combo to achieve the same silhouette? I got a similar skirt recently (had to hem it because midi length is my enemy) and have been wearing it with a variety of ts. I think there are a lot of full skirts out there now, if not dresses.

    2. Just did some poking around Nordstrom. How about these:
      – Caara, Serra Fit & Flare Dress
      – Anne Klein, Polka Dot Midi Dress
      – Reiss, Victoria Asymmetrical Dress (add your own belt)
      – Anne Klein, Envelope Collar Midi Dress
      – Ted Baker, Averele Ruffle & Pleat Midi Dress

    4. Check brooks brothers, there are at least a half dozen there last time I looked.

    5. Try the Polished Knit Fit and Flare dress from White House Black Market. It’s on sale right now.

  24. Long shot here – does anyone work for the federal government as an attorney in a remote/telework capacity? I am not near any of the major field offices but would love to work for the government. On Usajobs it does list whether telework is available, but it sounds like it is very case by case. Would love to know if there are certain agencies that allow this more often than not.

    1. Do you mean that you don’t want to commute every day or that you would like to telework 100%? I don’t know any agencies that let you telework 100% from the start, and few agencies let you telework 100% ever. Most agencies, however, permit teleworking 1-2 days a week after an initial period of 3-6 months.

      At most agencies, the union contract would not permit the agency to make an exception. In addition, federal hiring is very, very competitive. I think it would be hear impossible to convince an agency to hire you.

      1. I mean telework 100%. I found out a few classmates are able to do so at an agency in DC, but it does sound like you can’t do it from the start.

        1. Yeah, I don’t think that is likely to happen. Most (all?) federal legal jobs are so competitive, I can’t see them hiring someone who wanted to telework 100% unless that is specifically what they are looking for. I think I saw a few Dept. of the Internal postings a few years ago that looked like they would be completely telework from the start, but I haven’t seen it with any others.

    2. She still owns it/profits from it presumably, but it appears she’s farmed all the writing out to other people. It’s definitely not vacation – Elizabeth was recently introduced as the new morning post writer, and the mom’s page has a different person who does the posts.

    3. The earring post yesterday is credited to Kat. I like that she brought in a contributor that’s in the regular working world. Elizabeth’s picks are all in line with what I see women wearing in my city, while Kat’s sometimes seemed frozen at the time she started blogging full time.

    4. Kat should add the new contributors’ bios to the “About the Author” page linked in the header. She should credit herself as publisher/ceo/whatever. I think its unfortunate that the people doing the primary content generation are not getting much credit.

  26. Can anyone comment on MMLF Harlem skirt? I’m intrigued by the fabric but terrible with S, M, L sizing. I’m probably a 6 in the waist but a 10 in the thighs. TIA!

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