Wednesday’s TPS Report: Manhattan Tex Blazer

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

club monaco suitingClub Monaco has some great sales on basic suiting, including this wool/spandex blazer. (Just ignore their suggestion to “dress it down with cute shorts.” Please.) The matching skirt and trousers are on sale as well, and while sizes are limited, given that there are three colors, I’d be surprised if there wasn’t something for everyone. The blazer was $259, but is now marked to $99. Manhattan Tex Blazer

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]

UPDATE: As readers have noted, you can take an additional 30% off with code SUMMER30! Hooray!


  1. Anonymous :

    Anyone else keeping an eager eye on SCOTUSBlog’s live blog today? Wish I could turn on the news at work!

    • Woods-comma-Elle :

      Yup – have only just realised it’s in like five minutes so work has gone out the window…

    • I stayed home to wait for the decisions and read them before I left for work. I wouldn’t get anything done at the office otherwise. Wow, what a day. So glad I voted for Gavin Newsom.

  2. Silvercurls :

    Me too. I’m planning to catch the NPR hourly newscast in 22 minutes (that’s 10 a.m. ET). This is one silver lining within the cloudscape of being a job-seeker.

  3. Shaped Cardigans? :

    Does anyone have any recommendations for cardigans with shaping around the waist? I am finding that when I order them in my correct size (usually small), they make me look like a rectangle. I could belt them, if I had a good belt for that, but then the fabric would probably bunch below the belt in a bad-peplum way. Just go smaller (I have almost 38″ hips, so it’s not likely that an XS would clear them)? Or maybe there is something less rectangular out there that I have yet to discover?


    • Just got one at Uniqlo I really like. Their sizing tends to be more tailored generally.

    • Veronique :

      I find that cardigans that hit a bit higher (what J Crew sometimes calls high hip) are a good option when you need to size down, especially when you have a large difference between waist and hips. I practically live in J Crew Jackie cardigans because they’re the perfect length and they seem to be cut a little narrower than most cardigans.

      • Was just going to recommend the J Crew Jackie. I’m a huge fan for just this reason.

      • Third. I have an embarrassing number of Jackie cardigans and wear one to work at least 2-3 days a week (many of them are from the Factory store, though, which are called the Claire, I believe).

        • I’m not a fan of the outlet ones. I’ve found the quality to be inferior.

        • I just bought my first Claire a couple of weeks ago due to a need to size up (because of amped-up pregnancy bust). Seems to be OK so far, and the fit is good, but we shall see how long it lasts…

      • This is precisely why I live in my Brora cropped cardigans. I find them way more flattering than longer styles. Pricey, I know, but in my view totally worth it.

        • Thanks! If you have a closet of rectangle cardigans (black, red, light acqua) and a light pink one that is shaplier but more leisure than office, which color would you pick if you could only get one Brora? My guess is to go black (office goth!) and from there I draw a blank. Thoughts on splurges? With a Jackie, it looks like they have them in stores, so I may go try on some (and with the price differential, I may just replace everything if they are that good).

          • Well, it depends on what colours you like to wear.

            If I could only have one, it would be black or navy blue.

            But I have a stable of Brora cropped cardis….I feel no shame at the fact that I buy one per year.

    • For this reason, I also prefer cardigans that hit a bit higher. I have had a lot of luck with ordering Land’s End’s kids’ cardigans. As I have shorter arms and am short waisted, they fit perfectly. Their uniform cardigans are thicker and I prefer them.

      If it helps, I’m 5’9″, 145 lbs, 34C bra size, and wear the large in the kids department.

    • I like Vince cardigans a lot for this. They’re not tailored in any particular way, but have visual details in key areas that make their garments a lot more flattering on me. I have one that has wider ribbing and a little gathering around the waist area that is really flattering. They’re also extremely well-made. I don’t think I’d ever cough up the $$$ to buy one new, but I see them for resale quite often for a steal.

  4. I think this actually comes down to $70 with code SUMMER30. I’m considering getting the navy one as I’ve been searching for a nice basic navy blazer but i’m unsure if it will look good on its own or too much like a “suiting” piece. Thoughts?

    • Wildkitten :

      I think it looks like a suiting piece, but I’m not a very creative dresser.

    • I’ve seen it worn as a basic blazer and it looks great. Go for it! (scroll down)

    • I’m stuck in moderation for multiple links, so I’ll try one at a time. I’ve seen it worn as a basic on blogs and it looks great. I say go for it!

      This look is my favorite:

      • Ooh, these are cute!

      • Baconpancakes :

        Love the Madewell look!

        Anyone know when TCFKAG will be returning to the internet? I’m looking for a similarly cut striped dress with a bit more length. 35″ is a leeeeettle too short on me.

    • Does anyone know if the grey of the blazer, skirt, and pants are the same? The blazer is called “Med Charcoal Grey,” the pants are “Med Heather Grey,” and the skirt is “Charcoal”

      • I have this suit all three pieces in black and grey and love it – use the jacket both alone and as part of the suit. The med charcoal grey and med heather grey are the same colour.

  5. SAlit-a-gator :

    I’m usually shy away from discussing politics here or anywhere else. But I seriously can’t take this anywmore. After SCOTUS gutted the Civil Rights Act, the Republican’s war on women in Texas was only stopped by Sen. Wendy Davis’ brave filibuster and the power of the crowd in the Texas capitol last night, Perry is promissing another emergency legislative session to try to pass SB5 again, and now the SCOTUS DOMA decisions will be realeased in a couple of minutes, I’m just on pins and needles.

    • I am blown away by what Wendy Davis did. A 13 hour filibuster to protect women’s rights to choose in a state that treats women as 2nd class citizens makes me very proud. This is why we need more women in government. And really Texas? just ugh. I have family there and sometimes think about moving back but stuff like this makes me want to not. It has been quite a crazy year for civil liberties all around.

      • So you seriously don’t care if abortion clinics are dirty and unsafe? I find this attitude towards women’s health incomprehensible.


        • Jo: this set off my desktop Patriarchy Alert Beacon, too!

          • Ugh, I just didn’t have the energy to properly take this one on. But omg, that is some BS. Those Republican legislators just care so much about women’s health tha tthey have to shut down all the Planned Parenthood clinics that offer free mammograms and other basic care…

      • It would be brave for me — when do you pee?

        • Depends. Works for astronauts, works for filibustering legislators. ;)

          • Oh no it wouldn’t!

            I have enough trouble getting pants to fit without having to cram an adult diaper in there (never mind one with contents).


    • I LOVED Wendy Davis last night. Stayed up until 1am ET to watch the end. The huge dork in me was so happy and proud / loving the action on TV (some of the best TV I’ve ever seen). This also led to me deciding that from now on I will interrupt by saying “parliamentary inquiry” whenever possible.

      • Anon in ATX :

        I may be too late on this but I have to chime in – what gets me so upset is that these Republicans in Texas are not pro-life, they are pro-birth. Once you’re born, forget about getting any assistance. Education here in Texas is a joke, yes we have jobs 1/3 of which are low-paying wages. We have some of the highest rates of uninsured children in the country. They care more about unborn babies than living breathing children, which they should be ashamed of. Lets take care of the children we already have and work to reduce the amount of unwanted pregnancies, rather than taking away a person’s individual choice on an issue where no one “knows” the “right” answer.

    • You probably don’t think a filibuster is “brave” when done by the other side. Also, just because you don’t agree with SB5 doesn’t mean it is a war on women. Babies can feel pain at 20 weeks, yet the other side completely ignores that the Republicans may actually care about that. It could *only* be a war on women. Nope.

      • The “other side” doesn’t actually filibuster though. With the exception of that one Rand Paul filibuster, all they do is threaten to do so which has the same effect with none of the same effort. I thought it was great when Paul actually did it. I don’t agree with him on much, but I applauded his doing it. If only I had my druthers, everyone would have to actually stand there for 13 hours if they wanted to derail legislation with enough votes to pass but with which they disagreed.

        Also the admitting privileges and surgery provisions of that bill would have amounted to a de facto ban on many operating clinics as is the case in many other states now. And that is a “war” on women because it applies to much more than 20 weeks plus procedures.

      • Silvercurls :

        Life is complicated. Sometimes people in general, and women in particular, have to choose between two horrible options. I’m sorry that unborn babies feel pain at 20 weeks. Ideally a pregnancy would be terminated much sooner.
        However, for me the fundamental conclusion is that it is morally wrong to compel all pregnant women, regardless of their individual circumstances, to continue their pregnancies. That is why I remain pro-choice and VOTE pro-choice–including voting only for the Democratic candidate for the U.S. presidency. When I vote for my president I am also voting for his or her eventual Supreme Court nominations.

        And now for my own particular mudslinging:
        1) I respect the anti-choice activists rights to hold an opinion that differs from my own. BUT I reserve the greatest part of my respect for the significant MINORITY of the so-called “pro-life” movement who–in addition to acting on their Constitutionally protected rights to oppose abortion–also take positive steps to
        – support impoverished mothers or mothers-to-be and their existing or developing families
        – empower girls and women so that they can pursue life choices beyond simply having children; motherhood is wonderful (I’m a mom myself) but so is being able to get a decent education and be paid a living and equitable wage
        – realign our culture so that women are seen as fullflfedged people in their own right, not just as fair game for any sexually active male who comes along
        Sorry, but a lot of the Pro-Life community is deathly silent on these issues.

        2) I posted my opinions under my Thissite Name. Why are you posting under Anonymous?!

        • Silvercurls :

          Sorry, that last angry comment was meant for Anonymous @ 10:23 a.m.–not for AIMS (or any other using-her-usual-name commenter who posts before I get this comment uploaded).

        • Not the anon op, but the last time I said I was pro life I was told I wasn’t a feminist and got run off the blog. I changed my name so I could talk about dresses. So please don’t be so “I’m so brave I use my own name” when you have the majority favored opinion on the blog. I think it is more morally wrong to kill a child than to compel all woman to have children. I am not one of those it’s a soul people, but when the circumstances are that if you do nothing, a child will be born, but if you abort it won’t, to me that is killing a child, not a fetus. I fully support birth control, support for impoverished mothers and all women, and sexual education for all woman and young women so they can take control of their reproductive choices. Although I am pro life, I am not politically active about it at all. I vote liberal because honestly I am so conflicted about this issue. I really struggle with its moral issues and, perhaps cowardly, put my head in the figurative sand.

          • Thank you. That’s exactly why I posted as Anonymous. And here’s the thing: Your points about your own views are fine. I don’t try to say that that’s not how you really feel. What irritates me is when pro-choice people say that pro-life people are just trying to control women, etc. That is NOT why I am pro-life. I am pro-life because a baby is a baby to me. It will be a baby. You can disagree with me on that point, fine. I know plenty of people do, and I can see the disagreement, honestly. But don’t tell me that I actually hate women and want to control them, and it’s not because I care about babies. (You’re not telling me that, I know. I’m just saying that was the point of my original post, so I don’t think your post explaining your views was really responsive to it.)

          • My problem with this view is that getting rid of safe and legal abortions does not get rid of abortions. I do not believe that a country will ever be able to get rid of abortions (look at South America, which has some of the most stringest abortion laws in the country, and also the highest rates of abortion in the world, versus Europe which has pro-choice abortion laws and low rates of abortion). So instead, this kind of legislation only makes it unsafe and illegal for women to get an abortion.* This is where I believe a “war on women” exists – there aren’t any similar procedures where men are forced to pursue unsafe and illegal means for medical care.

            *ESPECIALLY when most of the people sponsoring and voting for this legislation are not the biggest supporters of family planning and sex education.

          • Your points are fair and valid. It’s easier to be part of the majority then not.

            You’re entitled to your beliefs and so am I. My point to people is that by and large when you say you’re “pro-life” that usually communicates things other than what you’ve posted as your beliefs. The majority of “pr0-life” people, I’ve met would disagree with a vast number of your points (and you can see this through enacted legislation around the country).

            I am “pro-choice not “pro-abortion.” There is a difference, but many people fail to recognize that. And most importantly, you are entitled to your beliefs. You can think it’s wrong and under certain circumstances, I may even agree with you. However, I don’t think that individuals whom I’ve never met, should get to determine what is right and wrong for me, my friends, my sister, or any other woman in this country. If you want to stop abortions, I genuinely wish you the best of luck. But limiting my rights isn’t the mechanism to do that.

          • L, usually I would totally agree. But you say that individuals who you never met should not get to determine what is right and wrong for you- but you let them all the time. They tell you you can’t steal, you can’t do drugs, you can’t drive drunk. I totally understand that not everyone sees it as killing a child, but if you do, you can see why those people can’t really adopt the “let people make their own choices” attitude. I don’t think stopping a life is a right I guess.

          • The difference (at least to me) is this. Theft is a crime because states have a law saying you can’t steal. In this country, for now, we have Roe vs. Wade that to me means I’m entitled to make my own health care choices. Certainly states can pass laws that modify that right, but to me it feels like it is infringement. In addition, I am one of those people who doesn’t believe life begins at conception, so why should I be subject to someone else’s definition (or vice versa).

            To me, where there is ambiguity, the decision kicks back to the individual who has to make it.

          • momentsofabsurdity :

            I’ll throw it out there – I believe fetuses are people. I am dubious that they feel pain at 20 weeks, since I don’t think that’s been accurately documented. I believe they are alive. I believe they have souls. I sometimes harbor the hope that we’ll be in a science fiction world where all fetuses can be grown in incubators and turn out just as well as if they’d grown in a woman’s uterus.

            I believe there are people who make irresponsible sexual decisions and have abortions. I also believe there are people who make responsible sexual decisions, and have abortions. I believe there are people who don’t get to make any decisions at all about sex, are violated, and have abortions. I certainly don’t believe, as was suggested in Texas, that raped women can’t get pregnant because rape kits “clean them out.”

            I certainly don’t believe any baby in the world should be viewed as a punishment. I don’t believe we should use what I believe is an actual person’s life as “just desserts” for a poor decision, or worse, a rape. I believe every child in the whole world deserves to be wanted, hoped for, and loved.

            I believe that I ultimately deserve to control my own body. That means that if I decide I want to stop using my body to support a fetus, I should be able to. The unfortunate consequence of that is that the fetus will die. But I don’t believe I should be compelled to give or use my bodily organs to keep someone else alive. I don’t believe in forced organ donation, for example, even if it would save a life. And that’s what carrying a pregnancy is – it’s the donation (or lease, if you prefer) of another person’s bodily organs. We don’t let anyone in our society compel that, even if it means lives will be saved, and I don’t believe fetuses are an exception.

          • Momentofabsurdity, that was very elegantly put, as always.

        • Argh. Under moderation. I’ll try again.

          I’ll respond – what support do you have for the “significant MINORITY” allegation regarding people who are pro-life? They may contribute personally to private charities for those very purposes. Likewise, just because they may not support a mandatory government program regarding living wages/equitable wages does not mean that they don’t support the idea, full stop.

          I’ll speak for myself: I’m pro-life. I’m conservative (although the older I get, the more libertarian I lean). I have a son and am pregnant with my second. I’m an attorney and I work full-time. I’m a Christian. I live in Texas. I think it’s laudable when a business pays a living wage. I don’t believe in abstin*nce-only education, but also believe that it shouldn’t be only up to schools to teach children about s*x. My family contributes money to pregnancy crisis centers and the like. I want obviously don’t want people to think that women are fair game for any s*xually active male. But where I differ is that I think much of this can be treated by private organizations/civil society, and doesn’t require action from the federal government.

          There are a lot of women out there like me, and we really resent it when debates like what is going on in Texas are framed as a “war on women.” It’s cheap name-calling and degrades everyone involved.

          • Yes. Exactly.

          • So you actually believe outlawing safe and legal abortions will get rid of abortions in this country?

          • Donating to pregnancy crisis centres is not exactly something you should be proud of in terms of supporting women and helping them make important decisions, fyi.


          • I feel under attack because it’s targeting a specific sub-set of the population (women). It’s not like legislatures are making laws that apply equally and broadly on the topic of conception/childbirth to everyone.

            Finally, I think you make a great point that much of this can be handled privately. If people want to help facilitate pregnancy counseling, adoption, etc. I say go for it! Nothing stopping you. But unfortunately legislatures aren’t trying to handle this issue privately; they’re using the government to make decisions for individuals.

        • all this +10000000

        • +1000.

          Silvercurls, you are consistently one of my favourite vocies on here. Just saying.

      • But a nonviable fetus’ pain is being prioritized over my physical and mental health and wellbeing. I am a living, breathing, walking, talking person with living, breathing, walking, talking family members. How is not allowing me to make a decision about what’s best for my health not a war on me?

        After living in a poor area for awhile now (where abortion and adoption are both shunned, I will add), I see so many kids growing up and neglected by the parents who either don’t have time for them or never really wanted them. These kids don’t get attention and support at home so they seek it elsewhere and then they end up in the juvenile justice system. JDR court is so unbelievably depressing.

        • But you have a choice before that, and it’s to use protection and be safe. There are consequences for all actions that have even the smallest risk.

          • Anonforthis :

            I completely agree with that and think it’s ridiculous that more people don’t do that. But you have to face reality and I think it’s wrong for children to grow up in terrible situations because their parents weren’t/aren’t responsible at any step of the process. And as has been mentioned below, wanted pregnancies are terminated too. I can’t even imagine how awful it would be to face the decision of whether to terminate a wanted pregnancy and I don’t see how the government has any place in that decision.

          • Anonforthis at 11:04 am is actually me, KLG. Sorry.

          • You presume people have access. If people would make sex education and contraception widely available, we might be able to stop unintended pregnancies. Which is something everyone could agree on, but yet you see half the politicians in this country dragging their feet.

          • L I completely agree it needs to be improved dramatically.klg I guess that is the fundamental divide- I think the government has an interest in that the same way they have an interest and legislate to making killing your own children or animals illegal. I think it’s terrible to grow up neglected or unwanted- but I guess I can’t stop he voice in my head that says but at least they get to grow up.

          • I definitely know what you mean Anonymous but poor or neglected kids don’t really get to grow up. They’re scarred by witnessing violence (which studies show lowers IQ and harms interpersonal skills), having to act as adults as a very young age because their parents aren’t physicall or emotionally present, and feel very unloved and anxious about whether they will have a roof over their head, who they will live with, and when/where their next meal will come from. And if they end up in jail at a young age, the entire rest of their life will be a struggle. Yes, some kids make it out unscathed or rise above it. But they are the exception, not the rule. I just had a 14 year old girl being raised (along with her sibling) by her grandmother get prescribed birth control only to get pregnant at 15 because she decided the birth control “didn’t make her feel good” and stopped taking it. I shudder to think what kind of life her baby will have.

          • Except this bill would also outlaw abortions where the fetus cannot even survive outside the womb. So the whole consequences thing is kind of moot.

        • The decision of how to weigh the life/existence of the unborn fetus against the right of a woman to control her own body and health decisions would seem to fall squarely within the ambit of legislative decision making…which is precisely what Texas is doing.

      • Most people don’t have abortions at 20 weeks. During the 20 week ultrasound, they test the baby for an anatomical abnormalities and sometimes test for genetic diseases. A woman could find out that her baby has a disease that would only allow it to live for a few hours after birth, or that it will most likely die in utero later on in the pregnancy, or that it will live a very painful and limited life. Should we force these women to just be vessels? Reduce their being to the ability to carry a child? Or should we continue to allow them to choose what to do with their bodies? Abortion is an extremely difficult and painful decision to make, especially so late in a pregnancy, so the women making the decision to have an abortion at 20 weeks are usually in unique situations.

        • Well, abortion might not be so unusual at 20 weeks if women are unable to get earlier ones in Texas because most of the clinics have been shut down. #unintended consequences

          • Please don’t with the hash tags. It’s been very civil so far and I am actually really enjoying the differing viewpoints

          • Please don’t with the hashtags- it’s been very civil so far

          • +1 to you and PollyD

          • Sorry, I probably should have just put a slash or something. But I do think limiting abortion availability will result in more women having later term abortions. As someone said above, even in countries with extremely strict limitations on abortions, they still happen.

      • Perhaps if you want to reduce the number of abortions at 20 weeks (btw those studies are also disputed, but for the sake of argument we’ll go with sure), perhaps politicians should stop preventing women from seeking them earlier. Closing clinics, wait periods, mandated ultrasounds ($$) all drag out the timing.

        • THIS THIS THIS.

          Also, if you want to discourage abortions, maybe the same party that calls itself pro-life may want to stop cutting aid to poor people. Because econonics are regularly cited as one of the main reasons women choose abortions.

          There’s a reason for the saying, “For (some) pro-lifers, life begins at conception and ends at birth.” Some support for people who choose to have children (eg. paid maternity lieae, funded child care, a decent social safety net) would be a nice way to put one’s money where one’s mouth is.

          • Anonymous :

            You have really changed the tone of this conversation, and made it much ruder. I am a democrat who is prolife, so please stop with the party accusations. And that is not a saying, its just a sentence. Thats like saying there’s a reason for the saying democrats kill babies. Its not a saying, its just something the opposite party says.

      • Yes I have a problem with filabusters in general. Imagine if the majority of elected representatives voted for gay marriage, but a republican planned to filabuster the vote? I feel like there would be much more comments about subversion of the democratic process. Women in Texas voted for these representatives. Why does one get more power than the majority?

        • Because that’s the way our system was set up. It sucks when “your” issue loses (been there, no fun) but the process allows for checks and balances. As you can see in TX, they ended the filibuster early, because it didn’t meet the requirements they’d set forth.

        • Ah, but filibusters slow the process down, they don’t stop the process. So if the elected officials of Texas want to propound the same law that they propounded this session next session (or frankly in another special session next week) – they can. Problem is, filibusters, especially the huge, dramatic, impressive ones that Wendy Davis and Rand Paul have done in recent years – they are wildly respected by the electorate and bring *attention* to the issue. So the bill can’t just be slunk through in special session – the estimated 80% of Texans who disapprove of the bill, when its explained to them in full – are now paying attention. So the question is whether the Texas Senate wants to pass it enough to ignore that fact. I hope the answer is no – but one filibuster isn’t going to stop them if they *really* want to pass the bill.

          • This, exactly. And it explains why, even when I disagree, I don’t really mind when someone filibusters. Many people complain about how difficult it is for Congress to “get things done,” but what they don’t realize is that the Founders specifically set our system of government up that way. It’s SUPPOSED to be hard to pass legislation. If people want it badly enough, it will always come back around.

          • Yep, filibuster is part of the process. A screaming mob? Not so much a part of the process. That’s really the only thing that bothered me.

      • This is the same act where a legislator believes that rape kits are the equivalent of an abortion. Are they going to outlaw rape kits now too?

      • On filibusters :

        I think filibusters are brave, even when I disagree with them, when they actually are speaking filibusters. The THREAT of filibusters, which has derailed the business of the entire Senate, is an abomination, but ACTUAL filibusters, where people stand up and put their voices and heck, their bodies, behind their beliefs — those are inspiring even when I disagree with the substance.

    • I am ALL for equal right’s for EVERYONE. After all, we all are different, but we are all the same at least to the extent we are all human’s. So it is WRONG to legislate that someone should get less right’s b/c they are NOT percieved as the same, when they are. FOOEY on peeople that singel out peeople and discriminate. I say whatever is right should be what is ruled on by SCOTUS. (I knew what that was b/c my Con Law prof at GW told me that. He was the onley profesor who did NOT want to date me 1st year.

      I met a guy, Brandon, who work’s at my health club. He wanted to know what I did so I told him. He was very impresed, b/c he just fold’s towels, but he has a BA from Hunter’s College. He say’s he is goieng back for his MBA, so mabye he has potential. I will ask Myrna to check him out. YAY!!!

    • I am very pro-life in all but serious situations…however, just because I feel that way doesn’t mean I get to LEGISLATE that way. It’s your body, do what you want (of course, there have to be outside limits, but those are just that – OUTSIDE). Just because I don’t feel like a decision would be right for me, doesn’t mean it isn’t right for someone else!

      As far as the filibuster – well, that’s part of the procedure, and I thought she gave it a good try. What I DON’T like, and I say that in all caps because I am really opposed to this, is essentially “mob rule” preventing a vote.

      Imagine if a bunch of pro-gun people busted into a New York Senate session while some NY senator was trying to filibuster a gun ban. They would have been carted away, I’m sure of it! I just didn’t like the feel of an angry mob preventing a vote on something, regardless of the topic.

    • To all the “pro-life” women out there, I have to ask…

      how many foster children have y’all adopted or welcomed into your homes?

      • Anon right now :

        I’m Anon for this, only because people in my real life know what my posting name is. I don’t need my liberal friends angry with me for being pro life, and I don’t need people at work to know my family plans.

        My husband and I plan to adopt at least three children. We got married very recently, or else this would have happened already. My pro-life MIL fostered 9 children in addition to raising her biological children. My church regularly hosts foster/adoption events to encourage families to start the process. I also have several friends who work for a Christian organization whose sole purpose is helping families foster and adopt. Many of my prolife married friends have adopted children. None of this is atypical.

        While single, I volunteered my time mentoring and tutoring disadvantaged kids (for years). While single, my husband was the primary benefactor for an orphanage in a war-ravaged foreign country. We still support them now as a couple. I prefer local adoption, but we may adopt kids at this orphanage in addition to the local ones that we hope to adopt.

        Does anyone have any statistical support for the notion that prolife people don’t adopt or foster children? Or is that just more aggressive nonsense? I bet you’d find plenty of prolife and prochoice adoptive parents.

        Kindhearted pro-choice people care very deeply about women and kindhearted pro-life care very deeply about unborn children. If we were able to combine the best of those impulses, we could do some real good! Instead, because of needless mudslinging like this, we have disadvantaged women and unlived lives.

        • Our beliefs are very different but I applaud your graciousness and all that you & your family do for children. Here’s to bridge-building, anon-for-this. :-)

        • Anon right now, I applaud you, your family, and your church for all of their adoption/foster efforts. The children who benefit from it are truly lucky.

      • Anonymous :

        Wait, because I don’t think people should kill their children I need to adopt those children? These pregnancies don’t come out of no where. That’s like saying all you people against the death penalty, how many criminals have you let live with you?

        We must support our nations children, especially those with less resources. But because I think you can’t change your mind and kill a child doesn’t mean I need foster them.

        • I do think there is a problem with people telling women they can’t have an abortion and then those same people not helping those women raise their children. I get that people don’t want the woman to change her mind and “kill” her child, but you know who gets screwed in all of that? The child.

      • SoCalAtty :

        Yeah, I raised my brother, who is 11 years younger than I am. It was really hard being parent/sibling, but I’ve toughed it out and the boy has now (finally) passed his GED and has a pretty good entry level job.

        I grew up in one of those “oh she should have had an abortion” homes. Mom was an alcoholic, never ending parade of random people through the house…then my Grandparents took me when I was 8. Still was responsible in part for my mom, and then for my brother when he came along (grandparents were too old to take another at that point). So yeah, I’ve paid my dues.

        You know who got screwed in that process? Me. But my opinion is that you should deal with that BEFORE you need to get an abortion. Like don’t get pregnant to begin with.

    • Good discussion of the issues regarding the Texas proposed law:

  6. Sorry for the early TJ, but would really appreciate advice: I’m starting law school in the fall at a top school. Honestly, it’s a far better program than I ever thought I’d qualify for, but I just got lucky on the day of the LSAT. As I get closer to orientation, I’m getting more and more concerned that I’m going to bomb all my law school classes and I’m not qualified because my LSAT score was a fluke. I chose my school on the assumption that I’d be in the bottom fifth of my class, and took an extremely generous scholarship at a school with high employment rates even for the bottom of the class to minimize the risk instead of going to my favorite school. Still, I’m afraid of failing, even if I won’t be drowning in debt.

    I never studied in undergrad (or high school, for that matter). I knew I’d get high grades on my last minute work, and as a result I didn’t put in more time than was required. I’ve been working for a few years, and I know I can do good work in large quantities under pressure, but the thing that keeps me motivated is the fear of having a supervisor randomly check in and not being able to answer for my lack of progress. Independently, I’m terrible at time management, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to compete with my classmates, some of whom probably have incredible work ethic.

    Does anybody have any tips for time management and studying techniques, law school specific or otherwise? Any help would be great!

    • Wildkitten :

      Law School Confidential. And – you’ll do fine. The school that accepted you believes you can succeed and wants you to succeed. You will succeed.

      • I preferred 1L of a Ride by McClurg to Law School Confidential. 1L was much more approachable.

        I also recommend you look around the Top Law Schools (website–just google it) Boards–there are Boards for Law Students, advice for 0Ls (that’s what you are) and articles about what worked for certain people.

        They teach you about things like keyed casebooks, which supplements are helpful depending on your learning style (and some people say NO SUPPLEMENTS!) and daily plans that were helpful. It might make you feel better to know that everyone else is freaking out too. They are.

        Also, please don’t sell yourself short. You will probably have to work harder on a daily basis than it sounds like you did in ugrad, but that doesn’t mean the other kids are smarter than you. Have some confidence, girl! Own it!

    • Shaped Cardigans? :

      I think that this is 99% of law students. You’ll be OK. It may be the first time you’re not the smart kid (or it will be for a lot of people who aren’t a rock star once first semester grades come out). I think you have a healthy attitude of examining what life could be like in the bottom half of the class (and below), so that may put you ahead of the learning curve a bit.

      Law school, summer jobs, practicing: all are marathons, so sprinting skills aren’t helpful. They are learnable skills though.

      Because of how heavily first semester 1L grades matter, I’d buckle down as much as possible for that and see how it goes. For me: school, gym (for stress and to unfold from spending so much time in chairs), library every night. I didn’t do the study group thing, but that was very helpful for friends, but I did try to have lunch with law school friends on campus and go out at least Saturday nights.

    • Don’t ever say again that you just got lucky on the day of the LSAT!!! Seriously. That should never come out of your mouth again. Nor should you believe that. You earned where you are.

      • SAlit-a-gator :

        This +1000. Read up on imposter syndrom and watch the TED talk. You kicked butt, own it.

        • I am so thankful for this board for educating me on imposter syndrome. 0L, don’t let your own mind discredit your accomplishments.

      • This. I studied more in my first semester of law school than I did through the entire time I spent in undergrad. People don’t just do well on the LSAT as a fluke – you are smart and capable. Give yourself credit where it is due.

    • Are you me circa 2008? I was absolutely in your boat when I started law school. I got so-so grades my first semester and improved from there. I never really developed a particularly strong work ethic, but I found a few study tactics that made be a better student without having to spend too many hours in the library.

      First: ignore everyone around you. Seriously, 1Ls are just ridiculously intense, and you will melt down by midterms if you let the gunners psych you out. Find a study rhythm that works for you and don’t get intimidated by the students who like to shout about how they haven’t gone to the bathroom in days because they’ve been so busy briefing cases…

      Second: read your professors’ exams from prior semesters if possible, and pay attention to the model answers to suss out what each prof is looking for. Every professor grades exams differently and each seems to value different kinds of responses.

      Third: Go to class. Don’t multitask while you’re in class. Download one of those browser add-ons that prevents you from reading Corpor*tte while you’re in lectures. I was terrible at a) showing up, and b) paying attention when I did show up. On the days that my laptop was broken for whatever reason, I absorbed way more material than I did on days I spent playing solitaire.

      Sorry for the novel, but I hope this helps. You will be fine!

      • Oh! One more thing! You probably don’t have much control over your 1L schedule, but once you get to pick classes, try and space them out so you have a couple hours between lectures. This leaves you with a window of “free time” that isn’t really long enough to go home and watch Game of Thrones, so you’re pretty much forced to study during that gap. When I had back-to-back classes, I would usually end up just going home afterward and doing the most perfunctory amount of studying because I’d rather go to the dog park or whatever.

    • I recommend treating law school like your job. I got to school by 9AM sharp whether I had class or not and did a lot of studying before class. I blocked out hours of time and just stuck to it. For most of the semester it was actually less hours than I had been working. I made sure I worked 45 hour week even in the beginning of the semester and only counted time I was actually studying, not in the library chatting etc. Then for the last month or so I upped my hours and way upped them for the last two weeks. I also enjoyed my down time and never felt bad leaving the library and going and having fun. I found people who came straight from undergrad spent a lot more evening and weekend time studying than I did but had less total down time when they were out and about enjoying the world. Everyone has their own approach but this all worked very well for me. Good luck!

      • Senior Attorney :

        I did this, too, and guess what? I ended up at the top of my class!

        Plus it was great practice for the dreaded billable hours.

      • big dipper :

        100% this. For the first 3 months of the semester, I went to school everyday and worked from 9-6 with an hour for lunch. And I’d work maybe 4 hours on Sat/Sunday. For the last month, right before exams, I pulled much longer hours (at school from 9-11 PM during the week, 9-7 or 8 on the weekends).

        And this still gives you so much free time. I had my entire nights free to go to the gym, go out with friends, cook dinner, etc. I felt like I had a real life outside of lawschool, and I think that made a huge difference for my sanity.

        • Exactly! It was awesome to grocery shop at 5PM, go to the gym, cook more detailed meals than I had while working and see non-law school friends. It helped stay off the crazy train and I think really helped with my grades too.

    • You’ll be fine. Law school is just like college in that you have classes, have to learn stuff, and take exams. I didn’t find it especially harder, but did find that I actually had to buckle down a bit.

      I’m sure that doing the time consistently would help, but I also had friends who read Twilight all semester and then managed to read Civ Pro the 3 days before the end and ace law school in general.

      There is no “have to” other than 1. do what works for you. 2. old exams! 3. cheap laser printer (for realz) 4. horn books! (I really liked examples and explanations in general)

      +2 on Law school confidential.

    • Agree with other commenters that you are definitely not the only one in this position, and you will be fine. I was basically in the same position as you are going into law school–I had never really “learned” to study, and I was (and am) a huge procrastinator.

      My one tip is this–rather than trying to think in terms of needing to “study” for law school, think in terms of completing discrete tasks or assignments due before every law school class. I found this helped me because it forced me to go over the material A LOT during the semester. For example, before every class, I gave myself assignments such as:

      (1) Organizing/editing previous week’s notes from lecture, and integrate in any notes from reading (this helped synthesize the information–and was my first step in outlining so I had less to do later in the semester).

      (2) Finish reading for class, including any horn book reading, with highlighting and notes in margin, and perhaps a brief outline of major topics.

    • You’ll be fine. If what motivates you is the fear of a check in, just remember that you can always get called on by a professor who will expect you to know your reading cold. If you need some extra motivation, watch The Paper Chase. Seriously though, as long as you do your reading, go to class, and alot time to study before exams, you will be fine. My only other advice is if you have access to old exams, do those as much as possible (and don’t wait till you “learn everything first” because that will never happen), and, if it works for you, find a good study group.

    • I will tell you that I felt in the opposite postion– I worked REALLY hard in college (when most people around me…weren’t) and worked really hard to improve a full 20 pts on the LSAT. I went to the best school I got into. I was terrified– I thought that because others hadn’t been working to their full potential but I had that they’d easily surpass me once they dug in and worked hard in law school. I ended up directly at 50% of my class, right smack in the middle.

      It is ALL a crapshoot! Just work hard. Don’t worry about others. Treat it like a 9-5 job. You will be FINE!

    • If the fear of being randomly checked on by a supervisor and having to defend your lack of progress motivates you, you’ll probably do great in law school – one striking difference between most of the people in the top 10% of my class and those in the bottom 10% was how terrified the top of the class was of being randomly called on by a professor and having to defend not having read/understood the assigned cases.

      You will have to find what works for you. I spent most of my first year feeling inadequate because I didn’t highlight or use hornbooks, but my grades were really strong because what I was doing (retyping each case in my own words) was effective for my learning style. Gather advice, but don’t feel like you’ll fail if you study differently than someone else.

      The hardest part of the transition from 0L to 1L for me was learning to read cases – if you start regularly reading cases now, you’ll have a huge leg up. Don’t panic if you don’t understand everything (or, for that matter, anything)… just read through them to become familiar with how judges organize and write opinions. You can find lots of cases online for free on court websites (such as and state supreme court websites). Other helpful reading includes books like Law School Confidential (just don’t feel like you MUST use their complex multi-colored highlighting system) and Getting to Maybe (although this one might be more helpful to read a month before finals, after you’ve looked at sample exams, rather than right now).

      • Abby Lockhart :

        This. And the advice about treating law school like your job. Check in at 8:30 every weekday and leave at 6/6:30 and go to bed at a decent hour. You will have done far more than most of your classmates, but have more free time to boot because you don’t have to fret about having wasted the day. And you’ll always be around to stop in to office hours and get to know some professors/get their help with sticky points as they come up rather than right before the exam.

    • Ok, I will be the lone voice here to say you may be right that you are out of your league. I felt that way, and I was right. I got poor grades throughout law school, and my self esteem and personal life still hasn’t recovered almost 6 years later. Until I revived a very old hobby one year ago, I thought I would live the rest of my life without knowing what it felt like to be good at something again. I fear for my job daily, and wish I had never gone to law school, or that I had gone to a much lower ranked school.

      Not much advice, but good luck. You will probably be ok…seems like I am the only one with this experience given the posts above.

    • Thanks to everyone for all the advice! This all feels much more manageable now.

      Special thanks to those who pointed out the heavy dose of imposter syndrome in my original post and told me to own my score. I needed to hear that!

    • Anonymous :

      You were accepted. You got a scholarship. You’ll be fine. Honestly it will be harder word than you’re used to. You can’t put stuff off until the last minute anymore. But I mostly recommend tumblrs like wheninlawschool, whatshouldlawbroscallme, lawschoolproblems, and 12b6, among others.

  7. Arlington Psychiatrist Recommendation :

    Good morning – does anyone have a recommendation for a psychiatrist that accepts BC/BS insurance in Arlington, VA ? I’ve been seeing a therapist that has recommended I get screened for depression and mild anxiety. I’m also looking at my insurance company’s website. Thank you.

    • Wildkitten :

      Your primary care physician might be able to screen you (and give you a prescription if recommended.)

  8. Birthday advice :

    Today is my birthday. I generally dislike my birthday, but I LOVE this game that we play.

    I am turning 27. So- advice you wish you knew at my age?

    FWIW- I’m single and a lawyer, if that matters.

    • No advice, I’m just a bit older but happy birthday!

    • I will be 28 in a few weeks and I feel like my 27th year was the one where I matured the most so far, mostly professionally but also personally. I am going into 28 feeling like an actual adult, rather than a kid in a suit. It’s more of a reflection than advice, but personally I never thought I would ever feel like an ‘adult’.

    • Happy birthday ! ‘Talk less, listen more’ … still works for me now at 43 as it did at 27.

    • To the future and beyond :

      Don’t worry about what other people think. A fear of looking foolish, or desperate or just stupid has kept me from taking risks I wish I had, both professionally and personally. I’ve come to realize that if you present yourself with confidence and don’t apologize for past decisions, others will respect and accept you (and if they don’t, who cares).

      • My 42nd. birthday is tomorrow. When I was 27, I wish I had learned that envy is the thief of joy. We have mentioned that here recently, and it took me until my mid 30’s to understand that I needed to quite comparing myself to others, whether it was in fitness, beauty, professional standing, etc. and focus on being the best “me” I could be. Once I learned to do that, I was much happier.

        Happy birthday to you !

        • Well, I should not have put an apostrophe in the “30s”. Sigh.

          • To the future and beyond :

            I’m hoping to use my 40s to get a firm grasp of comma placement :).

        • I love this saying by the way. I think you posted it the other day and it was very applicable reminder.

          • I can’t take credit for posting it the other day, but have heard it before and repeat it to myself whenever I catch myself comparing my looks, brains, house, children, etc. to others. I also have to remember that everybody has a story and a challenge, and just because I can’t see someone else’s doesn’t mean they don’t have one.

      • This is very hard to do when you’re young, but yeah–I was just thinking this morning that the one thing everyone in their 50s+ whom I know has in common is that they all seem to care a whole lot less about what others think of them. They will also tell you that themselves! It may be something you have to grow into or learn. I’d fast-forward to get there if I could (I’m 31) but I’ve already made some progress since 27.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Relationships should be easy. Love shouldn’t hurt. If it’s hard, it’s not the right relationship.

      And also? You’re beautiful. Don’t run away from the camera.

      • + a million to your advice on relationships.

        I’m 27 and still working on that second line though..

      • TO Lawyer :

        Thank you for both of these! I need to remember the first one especially.

      • Yes! Don’t run from the camera. I’m not going to say that 27 is as beautiful as you’ll ever be bc that’s depressing and you could very well be even MORE beautiful later. But you are beautiful and young now, and that’s something to enjoy. I’ll be 31 this year, so not tons older than you, but when I look back at photos of myself at 26 and 27 (that i thought were horrendous at the time) all I see is a young, beautiful, happy girl and I wish I had taken MORE pictures! Pose! Show yourself off! And happy birthday!

    • Seattleite :

      Don’t ever discount your feelings because you “should” want to buy a house, or be happy with the relationship that is great on paper, etc. Listen to your gut. You don’t have to justify it.

      Oh, and compound interest is a miracle. Save and invest now.

    • All very good advice. I’ll throw in start taking care of your skin now, wear short shorts and all sorts of ridiculous things while you can (not to work, obviously), travel as much as you can, don’t stop meeting new people, know your worth, and make time for the old people in your life (they start to go quickly as we get older). Also, take lots of pictures – even if you don’t think so now, you’ll be amazed how great you looked when you look back on them years later.
      Happy birthday!

    • Find a husband now. Don’t waste your time “having fun” with a guy you would not marry.

      ~ Washed up at 32

      • This is crap. Have fun. Don’t worry about finding a husband, wife, life partner, whatever. Focus on your own personal growth. Get into the habit of volunteering.

    • “You’re better at it than you think you are.”

    • Gladiator in a Suit :

      Happy Birthday!! I turned 28 yesterday and I have to tell you that 27 was the best year yet!! Own it.

      PS I am a long time lurker but this is my first post. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday :)

      Also, is anyone using this handle?

  9. SoCal Gator :

    Per SCOTUSBLOG, DOMA has been struck down as unconstitutional as a deprivation of the equal liberty of persons that is protected by the Fifth Amendment. Yay!

  10. Early TJ: I’m sitting in my office soaking wet because it started raining something like 20 inches an hour (okay, that might be a slight exegeration) and freezing because someone decide to crank the A/C today. And I just realized I have a particularly useful and painful internal meeting this morning. Sigh. This is not shaping up to be a good day.

  11. Has anyone ever used the Neat Desktop Scanning system (or another scanning/e-filing system)? I feel like I am drowning in household-related paperwork!

    • I have a Fujitsu ScanSnap, which isn’t part of a system. I just scan to PDF and then shred. It makes me extremely happy.

  12. Reposting from earlier:

    Question for the hive: JCrew Ludlow Suit in Navy or Theory suit (Gabe jacket) in Indigo?

    Does anyone have any experience with either? I like the classic look of the Ludlow but it doesn’t come with a skirt. But I don’t like the cut of the pants for the Theory suit (Indigo color only comes is a couple styles). I could take the Theroy pants to a tailor but they are already so expensive I don’t know if it is worth the additional cost. Which one do you like better?

    • i have the theory suit in indigo (the whole shebang – jacket, dress, skirt and pants) and really really like it. My ONLY complaint is that the dress is itchy, inside. the day i wore it it was pretty hot out, but i didnt wear a slip or anything – it was pretty brutal. i wore it with a slip and it was fine. none of the other pieces itched the same way. I got it all on a great sale at bloomingdales. they were doing like 30% off everything – get on their email list. the jacket is really nice, but i’ve only worn it twice, only got it a few months ago. so, not the most helpful advice, but maybe you can hunt it down on a good sale!

    • Alanna of Trebond :

      Hate the ludlow (returned it immediately), love the theory suit

  13. Hi Ladies – does anyone have any advice for dealing with TTC disappointment? My partner and I have been trying for six months now — not that long, I know — and while, until this month, I was doing pretty well with not getting my hopes up too much and taking it in stride, this time around I am feeling pretty desolate. I’m at that stage/ age now where everyone in my circle is getting pg for the first time (literally 7 of my good friends right now) and I can feel myself starting to get a little nuts every time I hear that yet another friend is expecting. I hate that, because I know that a) I have no idea what they went through TTC-wise and b) other people’s happiness and success in this area has zero bearing on whether or not we are able to conceive, and I should just be normal and happy for people I love — BUT I still can’t help feeling this way. I feel irritated at myself for being such a drama queen, but there it is. (P.S. if this is one of those things that has been discussed at length before and that no one wants to talk about again, I apologize and would really appreciate it if someone would point me to the previous discussion!)

    • Shaped Cardigans? :

      No advice, but I did get a little extra ragey at the grocery checkout with the vapid-pg-celebrity story of the week on every.tabloid.cover.

      So — my recommendation is gofugyouself dot com to distract yourself and laugh a little.

      • How you are feeling is totally normal. I wanted to go off bc and just take our time and be casual about it at first (as in, not start actively trying, temping, etc.). But that casual attitude lasted about, oh, one second. When you’re ready to have a baby, you’re ready to have a baby NOW.

        All that to say, it’s not odd that it’s happening after “only” six months. It happened for me after about two months. I totally understand how you are feeling, and I don’t really have any advice. You already seem to have a grip on it, you just need to convince yourself of the things that you already know.

        And last, I hope it happens for you soon!

    • It’s normal to feel the way you are feeling. We tried for 2 years before finally getting prego with IVF. Some things I did over the course of those two years to preserve my sanity: (1) told my closest friends what I was going through, so I had someone other than my spouse to vent to; (2) stopped checking Facebook, which is chock-full of birth announcements and pictures of adorable children; (3) made a point of hanging out more with childless and non-prego friends; and (4) gave myself permission to turn down baby shower invitations when I just wasn’t feeling up to attending. I also found an infertility support group in the area, and I occasionally attended those meetings.

      I know what you mean about wanting to feel normal / happy for the people in your life who are becoming parents. But you also have to be a little kinder to yourself during this stressful process. Good luck!

    • Anonforthis :

      Are you me? I feel like you are inside my head and telling everyone on this site my thoughts. :) I am in the same boat and find myself getting REALLY upset every single month. Most of my friends just had or are trying for kid #2 and I’m trying for kid #1 and my sister is 5 months pregnant with her first. I just keep feeling like it’s SO UNFAIR and then I want to punch myself and remind myself that life isn’t fair and it’s not that big of a deal and on average it takes 6-8 months of trying. But I still get really upset. No helpful advice but I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

    • I second the advice given by Noelle: My husband and I struggled for over a year without telling anyone. When I finally broke down and told my mom and sister, it was a huge relief to have someone else know what we were going through (we were into fertility treatments by that point). So, yes, let someone in. Also, find a support group, in person or online. I had an online community that I loved while going through treatments. Two, protect yourself during this time. Avoid facebook and feel free to decline baby showers.

      In general, I will say that it just isn’t fair. Its not. There is no way around it. Allow yourself to acknowledge that. I think it is perfectly understandable to be angry/frustrated/sad if you are struggling to get pregnant (and six months isn’t forever long, but man does it feel like it).

      When my husband and I were trying, both of our sisters got prenant during that time. I remember telling my husband that I was so happy for my sister (I truly was) and then breaking down into big heaping sobs. Take care of yourself and each other during this time. And as a practical tip: Check out Taking Charge of Your Fertility. We also used ovulation predictor kits, which were great and our reproductive endocrinologist preferred those to temping.

      • Anonforthis :

        Thank you, that is good to know about the ovulation predictor kits. I was beginning to wonder if I was wasting my money. Those things aren’t cheap!

        • Yes, I swear by those too. That is my first piece of advice I give people when TTC, especially when you have a busy schedule. With my DH’s and my schedules, it would have taken us much much longer to get pregnant without using those kits.

          Also, once you get it figured out, you only have to use them for about a week or so each month, so they don’t end up being quite as expensive as they seem at first. Plus, in the long run of having a baby, that is just a drop in the bucket! :)

        • I despise ovulation predictor kits and temperature taking. To me, they were torture because they made me feel like I had more control than I did and was somehow failing. Of course, our issue was male factor, which means that for me the ovulation predictor kits and temperature taking were, in fact, a huge waste of time, money, and mental energy. At six months in, figure out what’s actually going on.

      • Yes yes yes to OPKs. Every time I have used them, I got pregnant the same month. You can get them very cheaply on Amazon. Plus, as a control freak, it was very soothing to me to feel like I was “doing” something affirmative to make things work.

        • Anonforthis :

          See they’re beginning to make me feel like I”m failing because I just keep buying them month after month and keep being not pregnant. My sister of course did not use them on the first try and did not get pregnant, but used them on the second try and got pregnant. It’s so frustrating. That’s why I was glad to hear from someone who had trouble conceiving that they are still useful.

      • I should add that with my first, we did not get pregnant using OPKs. But, our reproductive endocrinologist encouraged them (until we went through treatments and the shots controlled timing) and was curious as to whether I was getting the double line (or whatever). They help with timing, which can be very beneficial if your cycle is not regular, or suspect that it may not be. But there is so very much that goes into getting pregnant, timing is just one piece of the puzzle. If you are using them and still not having success, you are NOT failing. It could be any number of things, including just luck.

        Also, we were using them when we got pregnant with our second (without help from a RE — it does happen!). And knowing the date that I ovulated has been very handy in determining my due date (and ability to fight off when I will be considered “over due”).

    • I have so been in your shoes. Your feelings are completely normal. It took us two years to get pregnant, and the way I finally started to better cope with my negative feelings towards my friends was to focus on my own health and well-being. Like others said, give yourself permission to hide out from baby-focused events. But also, I finally realized that a lot of my distress came from the fact that I wanted to get pregnant right. now. Every month that went by felt like a total failure and I irrationally found myself convinced that I would be 40 and childless. I had to come to grips with the fact that life doesn’t always go the way you planned, and that with the wonders of modern medicine you WILL have a baby – just not when you thought you might have one. It’s tough, but you are not alone!

    • Thank you all so much for the advice and commiseration – you’ve made me feel so much better! I hadn’t told anyone and it feels so great to just put it out there (even anonymously, online) and have people react with such kindness and understanding – I know that my tendency to be secretive about troubles has *not* served me well in the past, so I will take the advice to tell a few people (and all the other great advice, too). Thank you all again – this community rocks.

      • We have been trying the same amount of time, and based on what I’m seeing with my cycles so far, it may be quite a while longer. I feel like the last person I know to have a kid, and my much younger sister getting pregnant without even trying didn’t help things. It has helped to have talked to one friend about our plans and know I can confide in her. I’m also planning to try some alternative treatments, like acupuncture, so at least I can feel like I’m taking some control of the situation. Good luck!

    • I echo other posters – how you are feeling is completely normal. At around the 6 or 7 month mark, I began to feel more anxious about the process and wondering whether something was wrong. But it can take a healthy couple a year + to get pregnant. So hang in there! And do be kind to yourself! A few things that I found helpful: I tracked my BBT, taking it the same time every day. I entered my data into fertilityfriend. (This sounds tedious, but it takes 1 minute, and it becomes routine after a while.) I also used OPKs, but all they tell you is that your body is releasing the hormones prior to ovulation, not that you actually ovulated. A sustained temp shift is the only way to confirm ovulation. This helped me feel like I had a better handle on the process – that I was giving us the best possible chance (timing wise) each month. I also read TCOYF, which another poster suggested. It was eye opening for me – I knew so little about my body. Hang in there, and good luck!

    • I found that temping and charting made me completely neurotic and made it all that much worse when I would get a negative at the end of every month. I ended up splurging on one of those fertility monitors that cost $150 or so. It gives you a couple of extra days of lead time (it checks another hormone in addition to the one that triggers ovulation), so you can ignore everything else and just hit those 4-5 days when they come around. I also liked the book Making Babies, which is a bit holistic and fruity, but gave some good healthy lifestyle tips. I don’t know if it helped with getting pregnant in the end, but it did help with not feeling totally stressed and upset about it. The process is a complete head trip, though — you are not alone!

    • We tried for a year and are now in the IVF process. I totally get it. (What irrationally set me over the edge? Kate Middleton. Not my friends or coworkers getting pregnant but some Brit across the ocean. Not rational, but totally normal.) What’s really helped me is planning something for the weekend after I would get my period that I wouldn’t be able to do if I was pregnant. So a wine-tasting event, sushi with friends, whitewater rafting, etc. Then when I didn’t get pregnant that month, I’d be able to say “well, at least I get to…” I’d even put money down on things because I figured if we were out $100 but BABY we wouldn’t really miss the $100. It also kept me from putting my life on hold because “Oh, we can’t commit to doing that because I might be pregnant.”

      • As a “confirmed Auntie” (kind of like the “confirmed bachelors” of yore), I admit I always read these TTC threads and silently cheer the posters on. I thought I’d break my silence and say: “I hope you all get the results you want. Good luck!”

        I don’t think any of you are being dramatic; it is hard not to get something one wants so badly. It is one of the forms of suffering in our human condition.

        • I don’t know what to add except that it took me 3 years to get pregnant, had all sorts of treatment that didn’t work (yes, we had reproductive technology back in the 90s), got pregnant naturally eventually, and now I have 6 kids. The 2nd kid took a while to conceive too (and I think I needed drugs for that one), but after that, my fertility really spiked and I could get pregnant whenever I wanted. Just a little hope here!

      • Halle Berry is the one who sent me over the edge. Totally not rational, but I was *so* mad when she announced her 2nd pregnancy.

        • I was really irritated by Halle Berry too but only because I don’t think she’s telling the truth that this was a miracle, unplanned, unexpected baby.

          • Her “Omg, this is the shock of my LIFE” made me insane. Give me a break.

    • I’m using my “talking about fertility” handle a lot lately.

      It took us 7 years to finally get to IVF, which was successful. I still remember month 4, 5, 6, 7, etc. sucking. It sucks to want to be pregnant and not be pregnant. It sucks more several years in, but that doesn’t negate how much it sucks at 6 months, when you just don’t know what’s going on.

      I have two pieces of advice: (1) however you feel is okay. Don’t feel guilty about the way you feel. (2) go ahead and talk to a doctor, even at six months, particularly depending on age. Gathering knowledge about what’s going on helps. For us, for example, we immediately determined that the problem was male factor, so we knew and had something to work to “fix” (didn’t end up fixing). That was so much better than “I don’t know what’s going on.”

    • Response to EZT :

      Dear EZT,

      As someone who has been TTC for much much longer than you, I just want to give you a big HUG and tell you that all your feelings are normal. I would also say that depending on how old you are, consider being proactive and getting yourself and your husband tested. Here is my story: We started TTC and because of our age, I read that after 6 months if nothing happens, you should talk to your dr. I did. She thought I was being paranoid and said to keep trying. After a year of trying, she said that yeah, maybe we should see a specialist. The specialist said we should do IUI. We did. After getting shot up full of hormones (and paying a fair amount of $ though not as much as for an IVF), discovered that my husband’s motility was 0. The specialist was ready to do another cycle of IUI, and I threw a fit and said that maybe it was time that my husband was seen by a specialist. Literally, nobody thought this was necessary after I had been poked and prodded for months. Turns out he had a problem that could be corrected with surgery. We did it. Went back to specialist, paid for another cycle of IUI which also failed. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (3 years of TTC, lots of hormones cursing through my veins). Saw a post on this site that maybe IVF is better. My doctor never mentioned it. Found another specialist (3 hours away). Went to see him and his first question was–why didn’t you come to me sooner? He went over statistics with me and I can’t believe we were putting ourselves through IUI given the odds (taking age and husband’s motility into account). I am convinced that this specialist would have done as many cycles of IUI as we would have been willing to pay for, until our savings were wiped out. We are now doing IVF with the new doctor. For the first time in 3 years I am feeling positive and optimistic. SO sorry that I didn’t listen to my instincts about the first specialist (my obgyn, whose advice I asked because I did not feel like I could trust him, said I should trust him). So sorry I wasted time and money.

  14. Anyone know off hand about where the matching skirt to this blazer would hit on someone 5’6”?

  15. dating in sv followup :

    Hi ladies, thanks for your thoughts from yesterday. In terms of hobbies, most of them trend towards being bookish (and not really conducive to meeting other ppl like reading, etc). I have started cooking recently though and am really enjoying that (though I’m not terribly great at it), so if there are any PA/LA/MV/MP places to volunteer, I’d love to help out. To the extent they exist, I’d love to get involved in a relatively laid back group (young professionals, general volunteer group, etc.) just to meet new people in the area (I’ve looked into JL and it looks fairly time intensive/financial dues intensive? but I may be incorrect there). Most of the other groups I’ve seen tend to focus towards Stanford alums, and I wouldn’t be able to join.

    SFBayA: I’m near PA and would love your help. I so agree about the network thing. I didn’t go to school around here (basically moved here for work) and have focused mainly on work for the past few years. I’m happy to chat more offline. Email is brewthatistruesv at the service Google provides.

    • I don’t know if you will come back and check this, but volunteering is a good idea. The other thing that might be great is going to lectures/book readings on issues you find interesting. I have gone to a couple of things at the Commonwealth Club in SF for example, and there is definitely milling and chatting time built into the schedule. I had a couple great chats with people while sitting waiting for the speaker to start. I never actually got a date from one, but it seems like a great way to start meeting a couple of new people in the area and, like SFBayArea said, network from there.

  16. Fit and flare dresses – I love the style and think they are quite flattering on my pear/hourglassy figure but I worry that they aren’t very professional. I workin a business casual office but try to stay on the business end more than the casual end. Oh, and I think that high waisted short skirted versions of this style read very young.

    So, do you think this styleis professional? What can be done to make it more professional if not?

    • Same body type, same dress code (law firm business casual). I love wearing fit-and-flare dresses to work, but I find that I need to be careful about color and fabric. I’ve also noticed that blazers work much better at office-ifying these types of dresses, while cardigans can look too young, too churchy, or too matronly.

      I would wear this dress to work in a heartbeat:

      In contrast, I wore this dress to the office once and regretted it (I still love this dress, but it felt a little too Betty Draper for the workplace):

    • I struggle with this myself. I think it depends on the dress and just how much flare (poof vs. a-line). I avoid anything too poofy, tend to stay away from most patterns, esp. anything floral, try to keep it to conservative fabrics and colors, and pair with a blazer/neutral v-neck cardigan and more conservative jewelry and shoes. A menswear style watch is another good addition. Not all blazers work, but I’ve found a couple that look nice. I also usually put my hair up in a low bun. Basically, I feel like if everything else about me indicates “work,” it tends to look much more serious.

    • Ha. I could wear either of those to my office and be considered quite stylish and formally dressed. Sometimes I want to write a list of descriptions of things people wear at my office and post it here. You all would be clutching your pearls so tightly you wouldn’t be able to let go.

      Scruffy pedal pushers, rubber flip flops, dresses that end more than one handspan above the knee AND have a cut-out in the back, suits circa 1992 for formal meetings… we’ve got it all.

      That said, I work with very smart and accomplished people, as a group we just don’t really know how to dress so well.

    • I LOVE Fit and Flare, totally wear them to work. Agree that blazers are the key. The look is a still a little bit Mad Men, but I don’t think it is unprofessional. I think if you’re worried, definitely no flowers, and keep everything else pretty conservative.

  17. Billith Compton :

    Help please! I need some anonymous advice. As background, I am a biglaw associate, have gotten only good reviews and lots of positive feedback, so generally I feel pretty valued at my job. I also am lucky to truly enjoy my job and my coworkers. I’m pregnant, it’s already “out there,” and I will be returning to work after maternity leave.

    However, we have decided that we want to move to another state after having the baby in order to be closer to family. My firm has an office in the town we’d be relocating to, and I want to transfer and be based out of an office in the new town. Logistically, there’s no reason this wouldn’t work. Perhaps irrationally (or maybe not), though, I am afraid that my firm would take this as an opportunity to lay me off in order to get out of paying mat leave/being inconvenienced by having me out of commission for 6 months. Maybe I’m extra on edge due to the recent layoffs at We*l, but unfortunately I just hear too many bad biglaw stories (including one at my firm, though I heard it through the grapevine and don’t know any details).

    So, the tricky part: when and how do I raise this with my firm? On the one hand, I’d like to bring it up soon, so I can have peace of mind, or start looking into recruiters if need be. On the other hand, I am paranoid that this would be used as excuse to lay me off and not pay me for any mat leave, i.e., I could see this being used in a way to say I had effectively resigned. That fear makes me tempted to keep quiet until after I’ve received all the pay I’m entitled to for maternity leave–and I don’t feel dishonest about doing this because I would not be quitting, I’d be asking to stay but work out of a different office. Third option would be to bring it up closer to when I go on leave; I’m not sure what that would accomplish besides maybe giving them less time to come up with a plan to get rid of me that wouldn’t look like an illegitimate pregnancy-related firing?

    I hope I’m just being paranoid, I really have zero reason to think my firm would want to get rid of me, but this is a large firm and one hears of things like this happening. Timing-wise, how would you wise ladies handle bringing this up?

    • Honestly? After I’m back from maternity leave.

      • Senior Attorney :


      • lucy stone :

        Agreed. Also, love your username, Billith.

      • Billith Compton :

        Thanks! Though I should have clarified that we’d like to move during my leave.

        • I’m anon from 11:27am, and although you didn’t state that explicitly in your original post, I assumed as much. However, it doesn’t change my answer. In your shoes, I would delay moving until after you return from maternity leave at your original location.

        • Anne Shirley :

          That’s nice. But is it more important to you to move or to have a job? I read your post as not really caring about your career, probably going to work for a year, then get pregnant again and quit because “it’s best for our family.”. And the partners you discuss this with will have the same read on it.

          Which, yes, harsh, but times are tough and I don’t think it makes sense to pretend you’ll be able to get exactly what you want by timing the ask perfectly.

          • I’ve re-read the original post about five times now and I don’t see where you’re getting that impression. She’s good at her job, likes it, and is planning to go back. A move to be closer to family would if anything help her keep working while also raising her child. If that’s the reaction partners will have, that’s good for her to be prepared for, but I don’t think it’s a reasonable reaction based on her post.

          • That’s not the sense I got at all. In fact, if they are bothering to relocate, it is probably because they want to keep working and as such would prefer to be in an environment where there are more people to rely on when they are both pulling all-nighters. If she were to become an SAHM, it would matter less where they lived because she would be the primary caregiver. Pro-family doesn’t have to mean anti-career.

          • Olivia Pope :

            I don’t see how you came to this conclusion at all. I agree with Marilla and really.

            However, this could be the reason to wait until you’re back from maternity leave. Some people will automatically assume that a pregnant woman will leave work, no matter what she actually says or thinks.

    • Congrats! How junior / senior are you? Do you already work largely alone? Are you heavily supervised? Do you supervise others? Is your practice area one with a lot of group work / multiple party calls / etc? How do you get most of your assignments? Is it likely that you can advance at your firm working this way or just platteau where you are (and is that allowed or is your firm more up or out)? Finally, is the new state / office in a different time zone and are you licensed there (if not, will you be factoring in time off to study for the bar)?

      This would all factor in if an associate came in and proposed this. If you think through it all, you may be able to allay some fears of trying this out. I’ve seen some people do this, but they were 4th/6th years who largely worked directly with clients. I’ve seen a 2L survive it short term for a spouse’s residency and then relocate back.

    • Can you do some quiet due diligence on the other office that you’d be asking to move to? How big is the practice in the other office that does the same kind of work you do, how busy are they, and how many associates around the same level do they already have? If they’re busy and could use more help, then this will be a no-brainer and you should just go ahead now. If that office is languishing, though, then I’d wait or frankly even start re-thinking my plan to ask to move there.

  18. Calibrachoa :

    Damn it, why is spending budget gone… oh yeah, the whole “go to a music festival to stalk Nick Cave” thing. (operation was a partial success,for the record ;))

  19. TO Lawyer :

    Can we institute a class in law school where we teach law students basic decorum in the workplace? We have two summer students here and usually my office door is open but I closed it at lunch. He knocked, I told him to come in and he awkwardly poked his head in. I told him to come in all the way and he was like well I was confused. Fine ok potentially understandable.

    15 minutes later, he loudly knocks again with a weird pattern on the door and brings in some things for me to revise, all the while grabbing papers off my desk and reading them, as well as playing with my pen holder and notepads sitting on my desk.

    This is weird right?! Especially since I have a three-tray rack on my desk and he had to reach around it to grab something from the middle tray.

    • Ha – for the latter, I think that’s called common sense! Unless your summer students are 4 yr olds :)

    • I think this goes along with Miley Cyrus’ statements on GMA this morning: people my age just wanna hang and chill and not stress out.

      WTF? Then what happens when you wake up at 30 with no job and way to support yourself and your parents are still broke from the recession and supporting you for the last 10 years?

    • The only really unusual thing is that he played with your desk things. Knocking in a rhythm? Being uncomfortable coming fully into the room when you had the door closed? Those are things normal people do.

      • TO Lawyer :

        I think I was more thrown off by the fact that he felt entitled to grab things off of my desk and read them while he was putting his feet up on the corner of my desk rather than his knocking…

    • Reading papers is weird, but I kind of expect people to fiddle with any thing I put on the “visitor” side of desk as a matter of course. In fact, basically every single person who comes into my office does so.

    • Dr. Sheldon Cooper is one of your summer associates???

  20. Veronique :

    If a candidate viewed your linked in profile before you interviewed them would you a. think it’s good that they were being proactive, b. think it’s bad that they were “stalking” or c. not care at all? You are their potential superviser, not a recruiter, if that makes a difference.

    • Somewhere between a and c. It would be over the top if they tried to connect with you on LinkedIn or sent you messages or tracked you down on Facebook.. but just viewing your profile in LinkedIn is them trying to gather some basic info, or be able to recognize you. And I think unless you have Premium, you don’t even know if someone’s looked at your profile, so it will generally be pretty low-risk to just take a quick look.

    • a. Isn’t the advice always to look up your interviewers? You don’t want to find out in the interview that you went to the same college, or that the person had some really important job in the past but you didn’t know it. I think googling the person is also fair game. However, while very public things like news articles associated with their current job are good interview conversation fodder, mentioning golf because you came across a FB photo of the person golfing would be inappropriate and weird.

    • Veronique :

      Thanks! I normally don’t give it a second thought, but I’m being paranoid because I really want this job!

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