Coffee Break: Madison Leather Small Phoebe Shoulder Bag

116 Comments

1. Long TJ – I’m in a situation that I know is not normal or healthy.  It’s been going on for so long that I’m not sure what healthy is anymore and would love to hear from you all where you’d draw the line.  My parents have always relied heavily on me for all kinds of things, even as a child.  I always attributed it to them being immigrants and not knowing how the system works, but I’ve realized it’s just easier for them to make me do the research and present options to them than it is for them to do the grunt work themselves (which they are capable of).  Even if I do the work, they aren’t appreciative and usually pick the worst option out of what’s available and then blame me when things go wrong.  This applies to everything from marriage advice (they detest each other), restaurant options, retirement planning, home renovations, managing issues siblings have, etc.  Lately I’ve been sympathetic but have not taken on anything they’ve needed help with.  A family member even called asking me to step in on an issue because apparently that’s what everyone expects.  It’s frankly not my problem and I’m tired of being the scapegoat when things don’t work out.  It’s always very stressful for me.  Also, they’re not very supportive when I’m the one who needs help with something.  Where do you draw the line with helping your family?  Is it reasonable to only help if they really are over their heads? Or should I continue to help and grow a thicker skin? Thanks in advance!

   1. So, this is exactly what therapy is for. You’re stuck in a pattern you recognize is unhealthy , and you need help figuring out how to change that.

      Not to suggest that people here might not have helpful things to say, but this is a major life issue and worth the investment to really take care of it.

      1. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and we’ve had a lot of discussion of where the line should be. Her suggestions seems a little extreme to me so I wanted to know how other people would handle it.

         1. Extreme how? As in refusing to help them at all? I think that is a GREAT idea. However, it may be hard for you to implement all at once.

            You say “Lately I’ve been sympathetic but have not taken on anything they’ve needed help with.” I think this is exactly correct. You may have to practice saying “no” even if they (or others !!!!) call and ask you for help or to vent. “No, I don’t have time for that right now, gotta go, sorry.” “No, I won’t speak to Relative X on your behalf.” It may also be useful to practice saying “no” in other situations.

            1. +1 to this. I have a family member who relies on DH and me for every decision — then blames us when things go wrong. About six months ago, we drew a line in the sand and said no more. Was it extreme? Yes. Was it necessary to maintain sanity on my and DH’s part? Absolutely. Do we still have friends and family who expect us to still be making these decisions? Of course. I just repeat the line: “Family Member is an adult and totally capable of making a decision. DH and I are no longer his/her caretaker.”

               And I really get it. Boundaries are hard, especially with the people we love and feel like we shouldn’t “need” boundaries with. But your situation (and mine) are perfect examples of why healthy boundaries need to exist.

   2. Yes, it is totally reasonable to only help when they’re in totally over their heads or there’s some crisis. You set the boundaries where you need them. It may be a shock at first, but over time everyone involved is likely to adjust to the new norm. Remember that when it seems like they’re mad at you.

      You’re right that it’s not normal or healthy. With my family, I draw the line when I feel like whatever is going on is negatively affecting me. If someone truly needs help, I will put up with being annoyed, irritated etc, but I will not compromise my wellbeing for something that someone else should be doing themselves, and I will not enable bad behavior. That’s what it comes down to for me. I recently extricated myself from such a situation, and I felt bad/guilty because I felt like I wanted to help and be a nice person, but in the end, I felt good making the choice I knew was best for me.

      1. My #1 personal rule comes from the airlines – Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

   3. Are you the oldest in your family? Or maybe the oldest daughter?. I’m only saying this because somehow these sorts of situations seem to fall on first borns, at least from my experience. Just asking out of curiosity. That said, while it’s reasonable to help your parents, they should also be willing to take responsibility for the choices they make AND they should be grateful that you are there for them. There are lots of people who don’t really bother with their parents or siblings. On marriage advice: IMO step away from this. I just think it’s exhausting and emotionally draining when parents try to lean on their kids due to their relationship issues. It’s even worse when the two people involved don’t seem to like each other as you mention. Sometimes I think it helps to take the approach of “I wasn’t there when you guys met so please leave me out of your issues”, say it more tactfully of course. I don’t know if this would work, but maybe suggest to one or both of them, whomever will listen, to speak to a marriage counsellor. Sometimes there is resistance depending on your cultural background but at least try. On them not helping when YOU need help: Say something along the lines of :”I know I’m always stepping in to help you guys out when you need it. But sometimes I also need support and I would appreciate you guys extending a helping hand”. If you have siblings or other family members, you should absolutely talk to them about stepping up more. You can’t handle it all. For example: say your parents need some help fixing something in the house. Probably you are helping with finding a repair person, comparing prices of materials. That’s all stuff that can be done on the phone. But at some point your parents might need to actually go to the store to buy materials for the job–They call you. This is where you need to ask another person to step in i.e. To be physically there. You can extrapolate this scenario to anything: whether it’s doctor’s appointment, attending a social event etc. You can’t be the “go-to” person ALL the time, others need to step up. Don’t feel bad about wanting to draw the line somewhere. Hope this helps!

   4. I think helping your family is something you decide you do for yourself. I do it because I know if something bad were to happen to my family, I would have regrett ed not helping them, even if the two events were not related. Family is family. They will always be family. The way I see it is your parents helped you become the person you are today. When you’re just a baby, you don’t know anything, you can’t do anything yourself. Your parents were the ones who helped you, or who arranged people to help you. Newly minted parents that often scour this s i t e should know this best – think of all the long nights you’ve had with your baby. All the worries you have for him or her. All the times you go to read about ways to help your baby grow and learn.

      If something goes wrong and they blame you, my advice – which may or may not be good advice – is just forgive and forget. Rather than get stressed over it, just forget about it. The way I see it is that if everyone in the family just puts up a front about not wanting to help, how will your parents feel about having raised you? After all they’ve done, their own son or daughter can’t take the time to help them out?

      I think this also has something to do with my culture. I grew up in a Chinese family with traditional Chinese customs, and much of the values include respect and generosity for elders and family matters.

      I will admit. I am like you, I always end up being the person who family asks when they want help with something, and it seems expected that I will do it. And I probably do help, and maybe I get blamed, and maybe it does stress me out. I am no expert by any means, but I try my best not to let myself get stressed out if I get blamed for something I helped on. I would much rather help them even if they do not seem appreciative, because I don’t want to regret not helping them.

      If you really don’t want to be involved, then pick and choose the issues you want to help on. When you don’t want to make suggestions, just tell your family you don’t know, don’t have time, etc., but that you’re open to listening to them talk out their options.

   5. I would stop helping. If they ask you for advice, tell them you don’t know and point them to Google or the library.

   6. Just my two cents. If you still want to help your parents but don’t like the advice you’ve gotten in therapy, maybe consider trying some of the therapist’s techniques on your parents? When they ask your advice for a situation, turn it back on them with a question, ‘What do you want to do?’ ‘What do you think you should do?’ Then they take ownership of their decision. If things need to be done, maybe use a similar strategy to help them come up with a plan to accomplish it themselves. I know this is overly simplistic, but hopefully you can adapt some of it to your situation?

   7. My mother is the only child of immigrants, and she and my father had to support her parents in very different ways than they ever did for my father’s parents. I think what you are describing is common in immigrant families – I know that for my mom, she learned English first which meant she had to go to every appointment and handle every public interaction. My grandmother did try very hard to be self-reliant, but because of the language and cultural barriers, the family never had the stereotypical parent-child dynamic. What helped her navigate all of that was therapy and deciding to stop helping at one point – she cut off a lot of communication and made them figure it out for themselves. Did they make mistakes? Yes. But she knew they were capable of dealing with it and also dealing with the consequences when mistakes happened. As drastic as that might seem, it made it possible for my mom and her parents to have a relationship when I was growing it, and it meant that I was able to have a wonderful relationship with her parents.

      1. This is a great reminder that choosing conflict and drama now can mean a lot less of it down the road! (Sometimes I need a booster shot.)

2. In light of trying to find inexpensive, meaningful gifts for people who have everything, I often wonder what on earth I could make to give as a gift. Knitting takes too long for me (and I can only knit straight things!). With few other options that you don’t sink a ton of money into raw materials, I thought that wine charms (silver earring hoops + glass beads) would be inexpensive, fun, and could become personalized. Furthermore, could turn into something that could sell at a craft fair for $15/set or so.

   What would you think, as the recipient of such a gift, with a bottle of wine?

   1. I wouldn’t find this meaningful at all and would stick it in the junk drawer. I’d rather just have a bottle of wine. Getting everyone the same “personalized” gift is unlikely to work. Do I love wine and trinkets? Awesome idea. Am I always gardening? Then why are you getting me a wine charm.

   2. For “people who have everything,” I recommend giving something consumable – cupcakes, cookies, flavored sugars etc. Bonus is you can still personalize them. I much prefer receiving these things, as they don’t end up as clutter in my home.

      1. +1. I loooooooove consumables.

      2. yes. Love love love to receive consumable gifts b/c I’m in a condo with no more space even for trinkets I’d enjoy, much less unasked for stuff, even if it’s handmade by a friend. And it’s easy to tailor to someone – chocolate, coffee, tea, cheese, whatever.

      3. another vote for consumables.

         This is what I do for most everyone. Also, I don’t just mean edible. Nice hand lotion, lip gloss, fresh flowers, whatever.

   3. Honestly, as the recipient of such a gift, I’d think it was thoughtful but probably never ever use them unless I remembered when you came over and didn’t lose them. (But I’d use the wine!) I just don’t really ‘get’ those items, but certainly know people who love them.

   4. thanks for the input! This is exactly the sort of hard truth I need. Thank you!

   5. Small, token housegifts are so hit or miss. I received a tea light holder that I love and use all the time. I just found a potpourri set I received in similar circumstances stashed in my attic. I admit I am lame myself and usually end up giving something generic like a picture frame.

      I agree that if a gift can be tied to the recipient’s interest or hobbies, that’s the way to go.

   6. I would never use them. Food or flowers is preferable. Bake me some cheese straws or a dessert and I’d be very happy.

      1. +1 to flowers – I always love them.

   7. If you want to make something, how about jams/jellies/preserves? They are shelf-stable so you can make them in advance, and you can put on cute labels if you want to jazz it up.

      1. This is a great idea. Homemade strawberry jam is so yummy.

      2. Yes. I make lots of homemade jam and people genuinely appreciate it as a gift. Even if you yourself aren’t a huge fan of jam or preserves, it’s nice to be able to open a jar when company comes over.

      3. I’m admittedly a little paranoid, but given the ease with which home canning can result in botulism or other toxins in food, I would never eat any home-canned goods given to me as gifts. I’m sure I’m missing out.

         1. I have certain family members who are amazing jammers and I always take the opportunity to pocket jam as a gift. I assume folks like Clementine are established, but if this was a new hobby you’d definitely have to learn how to do it safely with all the proper boiling. Good to flag!

         2. Home canning is very safe if you use established recipes and follow directions. Most fruits are naturally acidic enough that botulism is not a problem in making jams or jellies. Others can be made so with the addition of citric acid, or you can use a pressure canner to achieve temperatures high enough to kill botulism. Unless you think your friends are the type to recklessly ignore the recipes, I think you are being needlessly cautious.

         3. Trust me, when you give someone jam, you do everything in your power to make sure that you’re not going to give them a side of dreaded disease.

            Most jams are considered very very low risk, as Sarabeth says, the pH is such that botulism and other toxins is not a consideration. Additionally, in processing jams and jellies, you boil or pressure cook them for long enough that you kill any microbes. As a third precaution, you always check to ensure that they seal correctly and discard any with even possibly wonky seals.

            I was once told by a food safety professional that if I stuck to pickles, salsa, and most high acid jams, I never had anything to worry about.

         4. It’s actually not easy to miscan jam and wind up with botulism.

         5. +1

      4. Mmm, jam.

         I hate trinkets too.

         A homemade gift that I’ve given with good results: boozy cherries. Put dried sour cherries (I buy them from trader joe) in small mason jars. cover with brandy or triple sec or whatever’s handy. Stick them in the back of the fridge for at least a couple of days. The longer they stay there getting syrupy, the better. I usually make a batch at Thanksgiving for Xmas giving.

         Slap on a festive label and a ribbon. People will think you are a wizard. These are good in cocktails, over ice cream, or served over pork/duck, or…

         1. That’s brilliant. You’re a wizard for solving my gift giving problems.

            1. Note: Do not use sweet cherries whatever you do. It will be gross.

         2. Brandied Apricots are also delicious. My grandma always had them on the counter and let me swipe one now and then as a kid ;).

            Follow process listed above only use dried apricots.

   8. Could you etch something pretty on glasses? That would be more useful to me than wine charms, but maybe not for more established folks whose cabinets already overflow.

   9. I love making gifts, my top suggestions:

      – Chutney/Jam: I make a few batches of chutney in November and they are the perfect gift for co-workers and hostesses around Christmas. I agree with others that consumables are the best homemade gift, and the bonus with preserves is that they can be made waaaay ahead of time so you’re not up at midnight the night before messing with cooling racks and buttercream.

      – Etched/Painted Glasses/Mugs/Plates: Martha Stewart has a lovely line of stencils and also sells glass paint and a glass etching product. I’ve made lovely monogrammed mugs, patterned side plats, etched glass vases and glasses, etc. which people raved over but I knew them and their style well. Be sure to include the special washing instructions with the gift though, because they do have to be handled with some care.

3. Question for the hive. About 18 months ago, I was offered a new job. When I gave my notice, my boss made a counteroffer in an attempt to keep me, which I accepted. One part of the counteroffer was a promise that I would receive a promotion at the end of last year or the end of this year. I did not get the promotion last year, which would mean it should be happening this year. We haven’t really talked about it since my year end review (where it was made clear I was not being promoted that year). I am trying to figure out if/how I should raise the issue prior to year end, as I would like to have an idea whether or not they are actually going to go forward with the promotion. Complicating things, I am going to be out on maternity leave during year end. But I feel like a promise is a promise, I’ve been working like a dog during my pregnancy and plan on coming back… Oh, and nothing is in writing (foolish me). How would you proceed? TIA.

   1. Absolutely yes talk to your boss about it. I’d schedule a meeting with my supervisor for the near future to check in on that promotion. Especially because you’ll be out on leave. And I’d tell boss that, in line with your counteroffer and your agreement that you would receive a promotion within the next two years, you expect to be promoted at the end of this year. Then ask whether things are in line for that promotion and what, if anything, you need to do to make sure that you receive it. If your boss equivocates or goes back on what he/she promised, then you have a pretty good indication that you should be looking for a new job.

4. I am expecting my first child this fall. After 3-4 months of maternity leave, we will need to arrange for full time care for the baby. We have a couple of daycare centers we have visited and liked, but are also considering hiring a nanny. It would be a financial stretch, but we could afford it (I think) up to her first year if we are really, really tight in other areas. We have some savings but would basically just have our fingers crossed that nothing goes terribly wrong to cause financial instability. I want to do what is best for our family. For those of you who have made this decision, what do you recommend?

   1. I wouldn’t stretch to hire a nanny if it is so much more than the daycare. We hired a nanny for #1 at 6 months because (1) it was not much more than the daycare, I think $50 a week more, and (2) the daycare was significantly less convenient (pickup/dropoff was not on the way, etc.). If there was a significant cost difference, we would have gone with daycare instead. Now that we have 3, a nanny is significantly cheaper than daycare.

   2. This is such a personal decision and I’m sure you will get different opinions from everyone. Personally, I love our daycare. Truly love it. I like that there are three caretakers in the room rather than one, so there are plenty of checks & balances on the care he’s receiving. I like that he is socializing and bonding with other children. I like that they have organized activities (crafts, walks, music, etc) for all the children. I like that I can just pay my monthly bill and not worry about taxes, immigration issues, insurance, etc. I love it. Daycare is great.

   3. Babies often = lots of unexpected expenses. I wouldn’t suggest stretching yourselves that thin.

      1. Agreed. So many unexpected expenses. We LOVE our daycare. Love it. Love it. I have no qualms leaving my kids there and they have learned so much. If you can find one with policies you agree with and workable hours, good day cares are worth their weight in gold.

         1. +1 I wouldn’t stretch on this point if you can find a daycare you’re happy with.

   4. I think a nanny is worth it, especially in the first year when you are adjusting to being a working mom. A big advantage is that the baby is less likely to get sick and your nanny will stay with the baby if sick. A daycare centre will send the baby home.

      There’s lots of room to save on baby stuff – baby companies are always trying to sell moms a million different gadgets and devices, and even for the stuff you do need, you can go with mid-market versions – if you want a Bugaboo Stroller – buy it second hard etc.

   5. We made the switch to a nanny in 2009 when our daycare center (that we did like a lot) was unwilling to make accommodations for my oldest son’s just-then-diagnosed food allergies. We spent about a month cobbling together care between me and DH, family & friends, and in “everything happens for a reason” fashion, an email came across a listserv that a mother was putting word out for their former nanny, because they were switching to a daycare center.

      We ended up hiring her and have never looked back. Since then, we’ve had 5 nannies (all parting terms were amicable), and have all been wonderful experiences.

      In our market, we have been able to negotiate salary such that care for our 2 kids is actually cheaper than sending them to fulltime daycare, PLUS the added convenience of someone coming to our home. We have had to be very scrupulous with our money to ensure that everything continues to work out, but in all honesty, I’d still pay more for this service. We have drafted contracts with all of them, to ensure a good working relationship, and the benefits far outweigh any negatives.

      There are several hugely positive things about a nanny that a daycare center just cannot touch: someone coming to your home (double edged sword, obviously); on your terms. We are flexible with our hours, and in turn our nanny is flexible too. Our line of work requires evening meetings almost weekly, and our nanny usually takes them up in exchange for a morning off. We get obviously very personalized care for our kids, and I feel that this has been beneficial in ways that I can’t describe. Our kids did/do go to a montessori preschool program 3-half days/week during school (oldest will enter 1st grade this fall), so they do get the structure/socialization of a program like that. She (they all) will care for our kids if they are marginally ill (whereas a daycare center will send your kid home quicker than you can count to 3 if s/he has a fever of any degree). We are somewhat subject to her schedule–we pay her 2 vacation weeks per year, (contractually, one has to coincide with our vacation week), and she has sick time to use as needed, but so far we have never had any truly scary scheduling scrambles. She prepares all of their meals in our home, so we’re 100% on board with all of the food that they eat. She schedules play dates & other activities for them. Additionally, she does all the kid laundry, and light cleaning (vacuums, mops, does bathrooms & dusts weekly). Today is a great example of when a nanny is sometimes the better method–my youngest slept till nearly 9. If I had to take him to daycare, I’d have had to wake him at 7:30 to get us all out the door on time. This way, he slept for as long as he needed it. In his own bed.

      In my opinion, the nanny model of childcare is more worth it than you will ever know. I will never adopt another childcare scheme if we can help it.

      As I said, we have been able to negotiate salaries such that they are in line or even cheaper than our daycare centers, but we live in a small market, so YMMV.

   6. I use an in-home daycare that I love. In my state you can search for licensed in-home daycares through the state’s website. It is a really nice middle ground between a full, all amenity facility and a nanny. I definitely recommend exploring that option if it’s potentially feasible for your location.

   7. Having had a nanny until baby was about 1, but now with a daycare, I will say having a nanny is SO convenient. Our nanny also did light housekeeping and the baby’s laundry- and often our laundry as well, at least folding – and it was so pleasant to come home to those things being done. You also save a lot of time off because the nanny will still work when your child is sick. But unless your jobs require it (ie long, unpredictable hours), I wouldn’t stretch for this. I love my daycare, and the extra 10 minutes it adds to my commute is worth the $1k/month it saves me over a nanny. We decided to save the money now, and when a nanny is less of a jump than daycare – in my area, a nanny is about 2x as much as daycare for 1 kid, but only marginally more than daycare for 2 – we can revisit.

      Also, when you are calculating how much a nanny would cost, I hope you are factoring in more than just her salary. In addition, you have the employer taxes, payroll service fees, bonuses, workers comp insurance if it is not covered by your home policy, extra utility costs (you can’t turn down/up your thermostat during peak daytime rates if nanny and baby are in the house)… I’m sure there are other things I’m forgetting. It’s more than you think. At a daycare, the rate is the rate is the rate.

   8. I think this will depend on your baby. We went with a nanny for several reasons: (1) my first did not do well when he did not get regular naps in his own crib, (2) the extra time for pick up and drop off was too much, (3) a rigid end time for daycare was not realistic given my work schedule (4) I love that when she shows up in the morning, she automatically takes over, so no make sure kids are fed/clothed/etc in a rush in the morning, (5) our nanny also does light cleaning and all laundry. All of these things together made me more than happy to pay the extra $ for a nanny. It is definitely expensive but I never feel I am overpaying for childcare. We also found a really fantastic nanny just out of luck so ymmv.

   9. I think if you can find the right nanny, they can be great and offer much more flexibility than daycare (and the possibility of light housework, cooking, etc.). However, for us it would have been much more expensive and I was just too uncomfortable with the idea of leaving someone alone with my infant who couldn’t tell me whether he was being mistreated so we never really looked into it.

      I’m happy with our daycare decision. We loved most of the staff, the socialization and structure made the transition to kindergarten much easier (at least I think it did) and we’ve become really good friends with some of the other families whose kids were in the same class.

   10. Daycare was hard the first few months (started at 4 months), but now that the baby is a toddler, we love it. She loves her friends there and her teachers. And once we got used to it, we actually really like the rigidity of it. Both H and I could, theoretically, have really flexible schedules (both attorneys with pretty loose rules about facetime). The pick up requirement is a good reminder that we need to shut down, go home and spend time as a family. I thought this would be the hardest part, but like many things, you just get used to it. And you cannot beat the cost savings of daycare v. a nanny – esp. for one kid.

   11. it wouldn’t have been a stretch for us to have a nanny and we still picked daycare. And when we had two kids, we paid more for daycare than a nanny would have cost. (my kids are older now and a nanny works with our schedule best, so that is what we use now). I loved day care. And even now with our amazing nanny, I still would pick day care for those early years.

   12. Currently pregnant and looking at the options of nanny versus daycare versus part-time work versus staying at home, it’s exhausting. If you don’t mind sharing, what is the going hourly rate for a nanny in your area?

   13. as someone who was in fulltime daycare starting at 6 weeks old, I cannot say enough what a great impact this was in my life. If you have a place you like, go for it. I am still close friends with the kids I met over 25 years ago, and my family discusses those teachers as if they were family members. Make sure that their values align with yours, and likely all the other families will also have similar values, which really make this more of a greater community. Since the parents had similar pressures, they often were very understanding and would cover for each other if an evening/weekend work emergency came up, giving us kids a playdate in the process! at school I got to have a huge array of activities, toys, books, swimming lessons in the summer, crafts, et cetera, all with a built in group of friends.

       Daycare also often offers a bit more consistency: I had the same core group of 4-5 teachers for the 5 years until I went to kindergarten (and largely the same kids/families), while it was unheard of in my community for most nannies to stay with a family more than a year or two at a time.

       There are definitely upsides to nannies too, but I thought I’d give the voice of a former-daycare-kid!

   14. I’ve been back at work for 3 months now after having my first. We do a nanny-share, which brings the cost of having the nanny down to the price of daycares in our area. There are a lot of parenting forums in most communities – this is how we found the family we share with. We met with a few families to find a good fit, and then searched for a nanny together. So far it has been a really great experience.

5. Can anyone recommend a decent restaurant near SFO? I’m meeting a former colleague for dinner before a red eye and don’t know anything nearby.

   1. Any cuisine preference?

      Burlingame has a lot of nice places on and off of Burlingame Avenue, and is a short drive from SFO. They recently opened a Pizzeria Delfina (originally only in SF) in the area so that’s a safe & delicious bet if you want something more casual. Stella Alpina is also great Italian food, although it’s a bit fancier.

      If you’re willing to drive a little farther, San Mateo has a ton of options in their downtown area (concentrated around 3rd Ave & B Street. I’ve never been disappointed by Cappelini, B Street & Vine, and Three (formerly Astaria).

      1. I think Cappelini closed, but second your choices.

   2. Straits Café and Mingalaba on Burlingame Ave are both delish.

      B Street and Vine has a great wine list and really yummy bruschetta (which is a full meal, trust me!), but the rest of their menu is meh! It’s at 3rd and B in downtown San Mateo.

6. When a job posting asks one to also send in a paper resume, what weight of paper is recommended? Also are there smaller packs of good paper sold, I only seem to remember large packs of paper the last time I visited an office store. I don’t want to buy something big that will not really be used. Sorry if this seems like a strange question, in the age of the internet I haven’t had to send lots of paper resumes/cover letters etc…All responses, much appreciated. Thanks in advance!

   1. Southworth 24 lb paper comes in a pack of 50-80 sheets. I’ve used the “Fine Linen Paper” ones and they work fine. Usually under $20 at places like Office Depot.

      1. +1 I always use the Southworth 24 lb. Fine Linen for my resumes. This is, however, a bit industry specific. The more formal the industry, the finer the paper I would use.

   2. This is one of those responses where I risk ridicule, but I think standard copy paper is fine.

      1. Yeah, if you happen to have nicer paper maybe it would be nice, but I can’t imagine it making any substantive difference. (and it just reminds me of Legally Blonde….. “is this pink?” “and scented!” )

   3. I used to use fancy resume paper but now that everyone is used to just getting an attachment and printing it I have decided that regular copy paper is actually better/more normal.

   4. The last time I printed a paper resume (which to be fair was probably close to seven years ago), I was able to print it directly at Kinkos/FedEx office which sold paper by the page. They had several options so that you could feel all of them and decide which weight seemed most appropriate.
      If you don’t want to commit to buying a pack of paper, it’s worth checking to see if they still offer this. I would imagine you could also find similar services at Staples or other stores that offer printing

      1. I agree with this advice – go to a copy shop and pay extra for a few copies on heavier paper, don’t bother buying a whole pack of it yourself. Most copy shops can print off a flash drive or email upload, but probably better to take a printout as well just in case.

7. What’s everyone wearing in the office today?

   Me: brogues, a black flared skirt, Uniqlo stripe shirt with a white collar (Oxford?) and an open-front cardi.

   1. This is a strange outfit for me because it doesn’t involve neutrals, but I think it looks OK. Dark plum pencil skirt, pale aqua button-up shirt, white leather wedges.

      1. I actually really like that combo, sounds lovely to me

   2. Black, brown, purple & pink Glen plaid slacks, ballet pink knit blouse, black knit & lace cardigan, black Mary Jane flats. It isn’t a meeting day for me, so a little less formal (no jacket).

   3. Grey pencil skirt, grey short-sleeve “embellished” sweater, yellow Air Tali wedges and a bright yellow nylon tote-sized satchel, and because it’s gorgeously, unexpectedly cool out today, a cobalt blue cardigan.

   4. It’s kinda avant-garde, even for me, but I have gotten lots of compliments. White top with black polka-dots and kind of flared short sleeves, wide black belt, black pencil skirt, black pointy-toe heels with white slashes on them. So hard to describe but feeling good about it!

   5. deep navy blue dress pants (look like the color of trouser jeans, but slacks), tucked-in rust-colored ruffle-front sleeveless shell & navy ribbed cardi. Brown belt & brown flats

   6. Navy sheath dress, mint green cropped tweed 3/4 length sleeve open front jacket, navy pumps, long gold lariat necklace, gold cuff, gold watch, gold studs.

   7. Black and off-white leopard print pencil skirt, black cami with tomato red 3/4 sleeve cardigan, black/red/green/white beaded African bangle bracelets, and black slingbacks.

   8. Black pumps, white pencil skirt printed with black cross hatches – almost like a plaid, but not really – and a lime green tee-shirt with some smocking around the neck that makes it kind of look like the fabric is braided. Wow, I think I totally failed at describing my outfit today! Anyway, it was chosen because it will be SO hot on the train home tonight and I didn’t want to completely cook on my commute home.

   9. I’m wearing my lucky white silk Equipment blouse with the print of Siamese kitties, with my lucky black ankle pants, black ballet flats, and tan linen blazer.

      And the luck totally worked because I received the final divorce settlement payment from Mr. Senior Attorney today! I am so happy, and surprised because I thought there was no way on earth he was going to make the August 1 deadline!!

      1. Hooray!

      2. Excellent stuff, glad to hear you’re at (or near) the finish line.

   10. Late to this party, probably crickets out there but pink full skirt, light pink top, black cropped jacket and black kitten heel pumps.

8. Lovely bag. Remember that Nordstrom will price match.

   1. I have this bag in brown and I love it! Macy’s has had it on sale a few times and the coach outlet near me gets retail returns. That’s how I managed to get the tote in purple for less than I spent on the brown bag. I love the tote too and get compliments when I carry it. I’m also loving the new Coach stuff since it’s not so logo heavy and the leather quality seems to be better.

9. Can anyone recommend a good restaurant for a wedding reception dinner in San Francisco? Near City Hall and less than $75/plate would be ideal (organic/local super ideal!). Any recommendations would be much appreciated!

   1. Also, 35-50 guests would be my best guess.

      1. AQ Restaurant is near city hall, has a nice private room downstairs, very into organic/local/seasonal, and is in that price range.

   2. YAY! I can help!

      Dad and I went to a wonderful place, if you like GARLIC, called the Stinking Rose on Columbus Avenue– Garlic is Organic as is everything else I think on the MENU. It is not to far from City Hall so all can have a good time, but watch your breathe the next day b/c the Garlic is very strong, but SOOOOOO good for you. Dad say’s it makes you thin, so I ate alot of it. I did NOT loose wieght, tho. FOOEY!

      1. This is also a good litmus test, if you love garlic as much as I do, to see if your marriage can survive that much garlic.

   3. I love Zuni cafe – in Hayes Valley & you might be able to reserve the second floor.

   4. We just had our wedding reception at Epic on the Embarcadero after our City Hall wedding. The views are amazing and the food was delicious. We had a lunch reception but I think dinner can run $80-100 pp depending on the menu.

      1. Oh, and we had 60 people.

   5. Hayes Valley is walking distance from City Hall and has upscaled a great deal over the last decade. I’d recommend Absinthe, Zuni, Jardiniere, Hayes St. Grill, or the very new M. Benjamin.

10. Turns out, after months of workups, I will be heading for a mastectomy probably in late August. Three months after the first surgery I will finish reconstruction, which is supposed to be much easier/quicker recovery. I will be taking a week off after surgery the first round, and just a few days the second (reconstruction round), then back to work. My office is business semi-formal (can that be a thing?), by which I mean I wear suits 80% of the time and sometimes toss in a cardigan+pencil skirt or pants + colored blazer the rest of the time. My closet unfortunately is filled with great tops…that I pull on over my head, which will not be so comfortable for a couple-three weeks, I’m told. Nirvana for me would be comfy button fronts that can pass for reasonably professional, especially if somewhat hidden under a jacket or cardigan. Old Navy Stretch Poplin buttonfronts fit me absolutely perfectly – much better than much more expensive brands – but I don’t want to be stuck with those each and every day, especially since I will likely just want to be wearing something softer. Looking for more of things like the LL bean Pima Button Front Pin-Tucked top at the link (if I can make that work.)

    http://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/82656?feat=514124-GN2&page=pima-button-front-pin-tucked-top-long-sleeve

    Any ideas?

    1. Boden usually has some jersey collared button-fronts, I think they would look relatively professional.

    2. No recommendations but I wanted to say I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope you have a speedy recovery.

       1. Me, too. Sending you all my best wishes for a speedy and complete recovery!

    3. I’d check Target for soft/comfortable things you can wear the heck out of and then discard when you’re better/sick of those tops. I don’t have specific suggestions.

    4. Best wishes for a speedy recovery. I haven’t tried them myself, but LLBean has similar to what you pointed to in a modal fabric , which I suspect will be even softer.

       http://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/84734?page=premium-supima-modal-button-front-tee

11. I’ve been lusting after the phoebe small purse for a few months but haven’t been able to pull the trigger for three reasons: 1) I’ve never paid that much for a purse, 2) I can’t quite decide on color and 3) I’m not sure how practical it is if I can’t bring home a document from work in it. Anyone able to convince me to go for it? (I wanna be convinced)

    1. Do you have a weekend life where you would use it every weekend? I have a weekend bag (mine is crossbody) that I use when I don’t need to be carrying around my lunch/documents in my huge weekday bags.

       1. Yes. I love my small weekend only bags. I use them on weeknights too if I go home between work and whatever. Also, you can usually find lightly used Coach bags on ebay if you just can’t do the price.

12. The DVF Oasis Maxi that was featured here is on RTR – so you can rent it for any black tie optional bbqs or whatever: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/dianevonfurstenberg_dresses/oasismaxi

13. I have this bag in dark brown and I can fit a folder in it. I usually have a folder and my ipad in one side and then the rest of my stuff in the middle and other side pockets. I don’t think you could get anything huge in it, but my folder usually has 10-15 pages. It will stick out the top a bit, but not a lot.

    I will say that I don’t carry this bag to work every day. I usually have a tote with a small clutch since I don’t like carrying multiple bags and I usually have personal stuff, reusable water bottle, Circa notebook, and my heels.

    However, if you don’t have ton to carry on a particular day it can go to work and of course, it’s great for the weekends. I carried it every weekend last fall.

14. Gift idea TJ, because y’all always have such good ideas:

    the occasion: bridal shower
    the recipient: good but new friend. Mid-twenties, professional, urban, religious. Will not be living with her intended before marriage.
    parameters: I’d prefer to give a gift that is just for her, rather than something that is wedding-related or home-related. (Will give a registry gift for the wedding.) I also have a horror of gifts that are just stuff.
    budget: ~$50

    1. Get her a registry gift! That’s the whole point of a shower. It’s not an occasion for giving her something just for her- it’s supposed to be something for her new married life. Since this is a new friend, I really think you have not a lot of leeway here. If you have such a horror of gifts that are stuff, a nice card would be good, or a registry kitchen item + cookbook with inscription. This isn’t an occasion for giving her a purely personal gift.

       1. +1. Go through the registry — that’s what it is there for!

          1. +2 go through the registry, and see if you can find the gifts that she specifically probably picked out more so than the 2 of them. Chance are there is something there that is more a “her” gift than a “them” gift – like cooking items if you know she’s into that, or home decor item if she’s into making a place really pretty, etc
             You can also expand upon a registry gift – for instance, pair a cupcake pan from the registry with a cupcake cookbook and/or cute cupcake wrappers, fun colored sprinkles, etc
             My very best friends were able to go off registry and buy a “just right for Meg Murry” gift because they knew me so well. Most everyone else that went off registry was much more of a miss than a hit, or a meh at best.

    2. massage, manicure/pedicure, or other spa related gift?

    3. You mentioned she’s religious – is she Christian? Someone gave a set of nice Christmas ornaments at a shower recently which I thought was such a great gift (most people don’t register for, nice to have ornaments for your first tree, etc.)

       Alternatively, a few people gave a piece of cookware + corresponding family recpies on recpie cards (soup recipes with a stock pot; stir fry recipes with a new pan, etc).

       1. Not a bride but I love this idea. I remember as a kid decorating the tree and having a story about every ornament. I want to have quality ornaments with great stories when I have kids. (I’ve been purposely collecting them but not many yet). Could you get ornaments specific to her like her alma mater, so it’s still about her as an individual?

          My other idea is nice notebooks/pens for her pre-marital reflections, but those could be hard to buy something specific for her.

       2. I like the ornaments idea. We have a dated Christopher Radko ornament from our wedding year that we love.

    4. I am trying to figure out the exact same thing! Except I’m also a bridesmaid. (I’m happy to be a bridesmaid, but I’m trying not to let expenses get too crazy, and it feels pathetic to buy, like, some dishes off the registry instead of a whole dish set.) Commenting here to follow the ideas . . .

    5. What about some lovely notecards/stationery, maybe with a bit of a small cross on them? Or one with her new lastname initial on it … that way it can be used when married and, technically, by both the bride and groom? Luggage tags with the lastname initial on them? Maybe for a honeymoon trip?

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