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This bag looks white, but is actually a pale lavender, which only makes me like it more. You'd be surprised by how versatile a lavender bag can be — it will look gorgeous with neutrals like navy, black, white, as well as other colors like greens (especially olive!), blues, and reds. The bag is part of the big Nordstrom sale — it was $345 but is now marked to $206. Rebecca Minkoff ‘Bryn' Hobo Bag
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
I’m in the process of choosing a new primary care doctor- what are some important questions to ask?
EC MD
As a physician, I think access is a HUGE issue in primary care these days. If you are a person without major medical problems, and assuming you like the physicians general style and manner, I would ask questions around scheduling. How far are the booked out for appointments? What is the process for urgent appointments (is there an urgent care attached, or are you on your own). How do you communicate with the physician outside of appointments? Also, some physicians tend to run on time but will limit the number of issues you can discuss. Others will let you discuss ALL your concerns but consequently are unable to stick to the 15 minute slots insurance companies proscribe.
Other thoughts — do they work with a NP or PA? Are you willing to see one of these options?
In general, different doctors have different approaches to the work up and management of problems. Do they tend to refer to specialists early (this can be a bad thing or a good thing, depending on your desires and their comfort level)? Are they aggressive with testing? What is their philosophy on preventative testing? There is a lot of controversy about what, when and how much preventative care to do these days. For instance, recommendations for screening mammo range from yearly starting at 40 to every other year at 50. Which follows your general desires?
Coach Laura
EC – it’s nice to see you! Hope you and the family are doing well. Waiving “hi” from your old town!
Anon
I’m glad I’m not the only one whose first thought was “EC MD is back!!!”
NYNY
Echoing EC MD, access is huge. How does your office handle same-day appointment requests? And if I have an after-hours issue that doesn’t warrant a trip to the ED, how does your office handle it? (This can range from the PCP always calling you back, to the PCP sharing on-call duties with a group, to outsourcing call duties to the Philippines).
Also, at which hospital(s) do you have privileges? You don’t ever want to have to be admitted as an inpatient, but if you are, it’s good to know if your PCP can see you there.
Sydney Bristow
Hi EC MD!
Also take note of how long you’re on hold when trying to schedule an appointment, get test results, etc. A doctor’s staff can really make the experience better or much worse.
I’m totally annoyed at the staff at my pcp’s office. It’s just too convenient to my office to switch and she takes appointments via ZocDoc so I can limit my interactions with them.
Ellen
Yay Kat! This is a great HOBO bag! But I just bought one like this last week and paid alot more for it! FOOEY!
As for the OP, my questions are:
1) where and when did you graduate med school
2) what else do you do beside primary care (i.e. do you have any specalty certification)
3) how long have you been a PCP
4) do you intend on staying as a PCP here, or moving somewhere else
5) do you accept my insurance card
6) do you have any pending charges with the AMA that I should be aware of
7) are you singel or MARRIED
KT
Will they accept pharmacy requests for drug refills, or do they require to do it yourself?
For any medications you’re on, will they refill it over the phone, or will you have to come in every 30/60/90 days before they’ll write a script?
(My new doctor I love, but she won’t refill my drugs over the phone. I have to come in quarterly and it’s annoying af)
Anonymous
I love my PCP. I found him by looking through bios of available doctors in my network. His bio was not quite as intense as other doctors about trying to solve medical conditions through exercise, diet, and “good habits” (I live in a liberal bubble where this stuff is popular). I had/have some medical conditions that were being treated through medicine and didn’t want to have to justify my need for meds when “lifestyle choices” *might* work (but had been tried before with other doctors).
He has something on his bio that struck me as extremely sympathetic towards people with mental illnesses. I was trying to navigate some issues at the time and that really impressed me. He took me seriously when I said that I had been feeling vaguely unwell for the last two years but had no specific symptoms. He ordered a ton of blood tests just to eliminate the most likely candidates (glucose, CBC, vitamin deficiencies, thyroid, …) and we did find the issue!
I liked him after my first appointment because I learned that he had moved from a hospital that served underprivileged populations in a very rural area. More than other PCPs, he knew more about some conditions (like allergies) that normally require a specialist. He knew which tests an allergist would order and so was able to order the tests at the same time he made the referral–saving me a trip and appointment co-pay.
FWIW, I know doctors who think where a doctor went to med school is the end-all-be-all. I have discovered that where a doctor went to med school is just not important. My doctor went to a decidedly not-prestigious school and did his residency in the middle of nowhere.
TLDR: I’d look for someone who isn’t going to withhold western medicine, someone who is sympathetic, and someone who has breadth of experience.
Anon
I haven’t been to my PCP in probably 5 years. Does one need a PCP in addition to a regular OB (as a healthy 30yo)? If so, why do you have one (I don’t mean that snarkily/rhetorically – I am honestly curious as to whether I need to look for one or not)?
Anon
What do you do when things go wrong? If you are healthy I assume that means you exercise which means injuries, cause accidents happen. Plus colds and sniffles don’t necessitate an emergency room visit but should be looked at by a doctor just in case.
Anonymous
Colds and sniffles do not normally need to be looked at by a doctor. If you have bronchitis or something or need antibiotics, yeah. But I’ve had the flu and an accompanying high fever plenty of times without ever going to a doctor. There’s nothing to do for colds and flu except fluids and rest.
Anonymous
If your cold/flu is making it hard to sleep, go to the doctor. They have cough syrups and suppressants that can knock you out. Don’t suffer if you can’t sleep!
Anonymous
You could get a flu shot or take Tamiflu if you have the flu. There are other things you may need checked out over the years and want a regular PCP for- physicals/bloodwork so you can know your numbers, vaccines, having a record of all your minor illnesses, being able to get an appointment when you have a weird rash or something because you’re already a patient, etc. I think the PCP benefit is seeing someone regularly and having an ongoing relationship about your health, rather than going to urgent care and having each thing looked at individually.
KT
I highly recommend going to a PCP and not relying on a OB for care. There are so many issues that OB’s just aren’t trained to screen for.
Even relatively healthy people come down with diseases, both minor and serious. I got diagnosed with severe vitamin deficiencies due to Celiacs and only got tested because of some basic questions my doctor has asked me, that my OB wouldn’t have covered.
Anonymous
The doctor you see has a very specific focus, so the sorts of questions (to notice trends, spot minor issues before they become major) a PCP might ask aren’t likely to happen. Some GYN docs will do more general items (like screening blood panels every couple of years) if they know you aren’t getting general care, but many don’t. Also, while you are healthy now, if you have any genetic predispositions in your family (for example, women in my family tend to be hypothyroid) a PCP can screen for and detect those sorts of issues. At 36 and not in a baby-making time, I do the opposite – I only see a PCP, who also does a pelvic exam and pap while I’m there.
Anonymous
I have only an OBGYN (I’m 31, no kids). I believe PCPs are worthless. For most serious illnesses, they can’t do anything other than give you info you could Google and refer you to a specialist, which my OBGYN can also do. About the only thing where I think they’re useful is if you come down with something like bronchitis or a sinus infection that is not serious enough to require a specialist but is serious enough to require prescription medicine. Fortunately this hasn’t happened to me in 8+ years (knock on wood) but when it does I’ll just go to the CVS minute clinic. Basically I don’t think a PCP can tell you anything that a savvy person can’t figure out on Google and only specialists are really useful at providing medical information that isn’t available to the general public (this isn’t a slam at doctors — I feel the same way about lawyers and many other professions; general practitioners are dinosaurs in the era of the internet). I used to have a family practice doctor who did my paps, but I’ve found that, at least in my experience, OBGYNs do them much better so now I just have an OBGYN.
Anonymous
Ha, I like how you note that you’re not ONLY condescending to the education and professional experience of doctors — you don’t think lawyers or “many other professions” are worthwhile either!
Anon at 3:50
I am a lawyer and I’m not saying lawyers or doctors aren’t worthwhile. But I think it’s hard in the age of the Internet for someone who tries to do all fields of law or medicine to add value behind what is widely available on WebMD and LegalZoom. Of course lawyers and doctors who have specialized training and years of experience can add value that those free websites and forms can’t, but those are people who only try to do, say, tax law or gastroenterology, not people who try to solve all your legal problems or fix all your health problems. My point is that PCPs know this and refer you a specialist for pretty much anything beyond the common cold — and an OBGYN can refer you to a specialist just as well as a PCP, so there’s not much point in having a PCP.
Also a lawyer
If you are a lawyer then you should know that legal zoom is widely considered the unauthorized practice of law and that it fails to consider a whole lot of really important nuances a lawyer would consider (like state law and associated requirements, special circumstances, etc.) and that using it for legal work is a really poor decision.
Betty
I find true value in my PCP, who is also in the same practice as my kids’ pediatrician. I find that having a doc who knows me and with whom I have a relationship to be invaluable. She knows me, my level of intervention and my threshold for freaking out. If you have a need for multiple specialists, your PCP can and should be the one coordinating and overseeing care. She can look at me and differentiate between I’m feeling lousy and wow I’m really sick (but may not need a specialist, just a prescription for antibiotics).
TBK
I’ve never found a PCP I see often enough for this relationship to develop. Usually they’re so rushed anyway that the 15 min I see them per year doesn’t really result in any rapport developing. No knock on them, but I don’t equate a PCP with having someone who knows me.
Anon
As a healthy 29 year old woman who didn’t have a PCP and who had a pulmonary embolism out of the blue while in a city I didn’t live in – let me just say it was pretty scary walking out of that hospital with only 3 weeks worth of blood thinners and no idea what my next steps were.
I really wish I had already had a relationship with a PCP. It was a stressful enough time without worrying about trying to find a doctor who could refer me to specialists. You just never know what can happen and I’m so thankful that now I have a doctor who I can call with questions and who knows my history.
Dahlia
I am a surgeon and I completely disagree with this. With access to basically all North American medical journals at my fingertips through my academic hospital library and the background knowledge to have a full understanding of all the medical literature, I still go to a PCP for any problems that are outside my actual area of specialty. There is so much misinformation on the internet, and so much information that is easy to mis-apply to you if you don’t have a full understanding of medical terminology and procedures. A smart person with internet can get a certain amount of information (although WebMD is not something I would recommend or ever use myself) but you are looking at an N of 1 (or perhaps a few if you are working with family and friends) whereas your physician has likely seen this problem hundreds of times in a wide variety of different forms and will have the capacity to recognize patterns and early signs that you won’t see/interpret correctly. A good PCP will also be staying up to date on current guidelines and new developments whereas a lot of information you will access online (especially if you are using free websites as opposed to academic journals) will be old information.
Mariah
The privilege contained in this statement is remarkable. Consider yourself extraordinarily lucky that you are:
Healthy enough to only have minor medical issues that don’t require a PCP who can coordinate between multiple specialists.
Mentally well-off enough that your PCP doesn’t have to be the first line of defense to help you find mental health therapy or medications.
Lucky enough to have health insurance that covers specialists. Some people have ONLY their PCP and getting coverage for a specialist, while technically possible, is a huge fight. Their PCP needs to be able to issue spot, as it were, and their generalist qualities are then welcome.
And last, lucky enough that you have the education and ability to be able to search these things yourself and maybe understand the results. Many, many people can’t just google their medical problems, because they don’t have easy access to the Internet, or they can’t comprehend the information, or mental health issues means they need someone to reassure them about something they find.
Don’t be so condescending and for the love of all that’s holy, recognize the privilege you have.
Gail the Goldfish
Some insurance plans require referrals from a pcp for specialists, but other than that, probably not. I go get a yearly physical and bloodwork from my PCP, but mainly so I stay on their patient radar in case I actually do need to see them for something–it’s easier to get an appointment if you’re already a patient.
Meg Murry
Yes, this is my reason. If you wind up sick with something that you think is beyond the minute clinic/walk in urgent care but not emergency room worthy and need to see a doctor within the next day or two it’s really hard to find someone to take you if you aren’t already an established patient. For instance, H and I usually go to the walk in clinic for things like “I think I have strep”, but I’d rather go to a PCP for “it’s been 3 weeks and I can’t kick this cough/cold/etc, can you please check me out to make sure it isn’t something more serious”.
In our area also, while technically you can go to a specialist without a referral (per my insurance), in reality you almost always get asked “have you seen your PCP first?” and/or wind up with a looooooong wait, whereas there are a few appointments held for urgent cases that the PCP can sometimes get you in to. And if you don’t have a PCP in that medical system (or its been a few years), you get nagged nagged nagged about it.
Anonymous
I’m in Canada- you see your family doctor for everything, unless you have a specific reason to be referred to a specialist, which I kind of think makes more sense. OBs are specialists- you don’t see one unless you’re pregnant/trying to get pregnant, or have other specific issues that relate to OB or Gyn training.
If I’m just getting a regular pap or prescription for the pill, why wouldn’t I just see a family doctor instead of wasting the time of a specialist?
Wildkitten
I like One Medical Group.
REQ
Hoping to crowd source a tough real estate decision. We have an offer at full asking price on an apartment that we like, but don’t not love. It’s a competitive market but showing signs of stabilizing. This is not a forever home, but a starter for our family and we will outgrow it in a few years if we have another child and a few years more if we do not. Our agent said seller’s agent told him they have offers above asking price and would like a best offer by tomorrow. I’m not sure I believe it b/c usually they say something like “substantially above” and here it was just “yeah, above” in a very noncommittal way, plus they’ve had our offer for a few days already and just came up with this. My hunch is someone may have offered just a little above (think asking price is $499 and someone offered $500) but there are other factor mitigating in our favor. On the one hand this would be a sensible place for us to live for a few years and we could afford to pay a bit more, on the other I hate paying above the asking price for anything. For reference this is a building with board approval. I think we’re well-qualified to get approved by their board in a way someone else might not be even if they do pay more. Also complicating things is that this fall we might be in a better place to buy something more long term and I worry about having been impatient to move. On the other hand, we could use that extra money we’re anticipating for other things. I’m torn between 1) offering just a little bit more as a token gesture, 2) offering up to what we could reasonably pay that I think would actually “win” the apartment or 3) just reiterating our qualifications and saying you have our offer. DH and I are clearly at the point of over-analysis now so wondering what internet friends would do. I know the answer is “well, how much do you want to pay to live here” but I guess I just don’t know b/c it’s this apartment OR a wonderful, theoretical other that might be better which is throwing me off.
Anon
If it’s not a “hell yes!”, it’s a no.
Pass.
TO Lawyer
+1
I just did that with a condo. It was gorgeous and I could see myself living there for a while, but they asked for just slightly more money and that was enough to make me realize I didn’t love it enough. So I’m still on the hunt for something else!
emeralds
I’m going to have to go with 3. You just don’t sound excited enough about this apartment to justify upping your offer.
Anonymous
I think this: “I hate paying above the asking price for anything” is a bit silly. Real estate asking prices are so arbitrary. They are often too low or too high and really have very little to do with the actual value of the property, so you shouldn’t have a psychological barrier to paying over asking. And even paying significantly more than something is worth can be worth it if you love that property and decide the extra money is worth it to be guaranteed to get something you love or to save all the additional house-hunting time. We offered 10% over asking on a property we probably could have gotten for 3-5% over asking but it was The One and I didn’t want to take a chance on losing it and we plan to stay here forever (and it’s a hot market and less than a year later Zillow says its worth almost 10% more than what we paid). That said, if you don’t love the place and are happy to keep house-hunting, I wouldn’t offer anything more than a token amount.
Anonymous
This. I paid 12% over asking and my condo appraised for another 6% higher. The price was unrealistically low. There were 9 other offers and one other offer at my price point.
When I sold, we priced it higher than it had appraised for by about 2%. I got multiple offers, two of which were 11% over asking. The house appraisal for the buyers came in 5% lower than the offer but 10% higher than the appraisal we had done two weeks earlier.
If it’s The One, come back at your highest and best. If it’s not, don’t counter with a minimal increase–you are just wasting everyone’s time.
Scarlett
Heh, I live in San Francisco where the norm is just “how much over asking did you go?” so I wouldn’t use that as a criteria, personally (and would probably end up overpaying in another market). It doesn’t sound to me like you love it, and if you anticipate outgrowing the place as quickly as you say, I’d wait until the fall or the time when you’re better positioned to buy something you love. I hate moving, so that factors in & I also think almost all space issues can be solved by decluttering and hiring some professional decorating help/fixing the things that bug you or that draw you to a new place (fixtures, paint, etc.)
Vi
I’d offer a token amount more and call it a day.
mickey
I think if you went into the negotiation with a sense of what you’re willing to pay AND you don’t have an emotional attachment to this house, you should stick to your first offer. If you don’t get it, there will be other places. You may pay more, but you’ll be in a better position to do so and you may find a place you actually love.
Killer Kitten Heels
Nothing you wrote here seems to suggest that this place is worth above asking *to you*, so that’s your answer.
CountC
If I were you, I’d stick with my original offer and have your agent tell the listing agent that is your BAFO. You’re not in love with it and don’t have time constraints. I think it’s shady that they sat on your offer for several days before telling you they had others over list.
Daisy
As someone who recently made 9 offers in a competitive market (#9 won!), you can’t benchmark yourself against unknowns. Your “best and final” has to be just that – YOUR best and final offer. Don’t offer more/less based on what you think – with no real facts at all on which to base your thinking – other people are doing. “You do you” is trite, but absolutely the truth when it comes to making such a huge financial decision and commitment as purchasing a home. It is a slippery slope to create reasons to move you to offer more (or less) based on non-facts. We offered $40k over asking on a house (#6 or 7 – exhaustion and impatience were setting in…) that, now, I am so so grateful we didn’t get. We were emotional, wanted a home, wanted to win and, looking back, weren’t making a sound financial decision.
I completely disagree with the concept that “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no”. Our home #9 wasn’t my dream home. Like, not at all. It’s been 11 months and I can.not.dream. of being anywhere else. Decide on your non-negotiables (strong school district was key for us) and your non-easily/not-at-all changeables (# of beds, # of baths, location, and lot size, for us). And then put forth your best offer.
12 mos later I was very fortunate to have a major promotion and major cash inflow, and had we waited we now could absolutely afford the “dream” home — but I actually love our little house. It’s a “right now” home, not the forever home, but it will always be where we started our life and (hopefully) our family. So we are funneling that extra money in to retirement and enjoying the fact that we have an affordable, fixed mortgage payment (vs. continuing to rent) until we decide to move.
Daisy
ETA: we offered $40k above asking on that one because the asking price on is arbitrary, as Anonymous at 2:48pm pointed out… all the more reason to stop bench marking yourself against asking prices and “what ifs” of other bidders.
2 Cents
If it’s not a love it, don’t raise your offer.
My story: Fell in love with a house. Made an offer. Was pressured by RE agent to start out with my “biggest and best” offer. Heard back that we were supposedly up against another offer that was all-cash and above asking. Wanted to know if I wanted to increase our offer to counter. I walked away.
Turned out there was no other all-cash offer and simply a “see how high these people will go if we lie to them about a competition for the house.” Best decision I ever made. Oh, and the house was taken off the market completely, never sold and has never returned to the market and this was 3 years ago.
Ethics
I’m not in real estate, but is there not an ethical prohibition against this? Don’t RE agents have a license or certification? I would think they are not allowed to remain in good standing if they blatantly lie to manufacture higher offers.
Anonymous
Oh yes, yes there is. The selling agent should be reported to the state board for discipline.
Anon
Hmm I wouldn’t rely on asking price. Some realtors believe the best strategy is to set the price low in order to generate interest and bids. Some believe in setting the ask high just in case someone will pay it.
I’m surprised you made the original offer given how lukewarm you are about this. I suspect you are looking at this “token amount” over listing price as an excuse to get out of the contract.
Realistically over the long run of homeownership the difference between 495k and 500k is nothing, and you know that. The question is, do you really want this place? I’m guessing no.
NY CPA
I’m going to Maine this weekend for a graduation (specifically: staying in Freeport, have plans in Lewiston and Portland), and it looks like it will rain most of the weekend.
Any fun ideas of things to do beyond shop the outlets? or great restaurant recommendations?
Daisy
Rain or shine, drive the rocky coast – it’s stunning!! Just get lost in the coastal streets and neighborhoods. Boothbay would be a great destination, if you have the freedom to drive for an afternoon.
Diana Barry
If you’re staying in Freeport, you can easily spend a day at the LL Bean store and outlets.
Also, yes, the coast is beautiful even in the rain! I would just bring good gear and extra changes of clothes. :)
Lots of great restaurants in Portland – Miyake, Central Provisions, Fore Street, etc.
Maine Transplant
Welcome!!! They are calling for a not horrible but not best every weekend here. I’m guessing you are staying at the Haraseeket. Consider an evening sipping wine in front of a fire pit at the Haraseeket. The Tuscan Bistro right down the road is great. And LLBean late night is always a classic.
Restaurants: The Portland area is a bit of a culinary hotbed right now, and so there are a decent number of really lovely places to eat: Fore Street, Five Fifty-Five, Hugos, Isa, Central Provisions.
Stuff to Do: Wandering the Old Port and down by the water is a great way to spend a morning/afternoon. If the weather is decent, consider a way to get out on the water (a sailboat tour, take a ferry) or head to one of the islands and wander (Peak’s). The Portland Museum of Art is lovely. There are adorable New England towns in the vicinity to wander: Kennebunkport (a bit of a drive from Freeport), Yarmouth (Main Street – not Rt. 1), Wiscasset and Boothbay (also a drive but worth it). Winslow Park in Freeport affords amazing views of the water and is a great spot for an outside lunch, weather permitting.
There really is so much to do!
Anonymous
I would hit up some breweries – I think Allagash is outside of Portland.
Anon
So here’s the situation. I work alongside, but am kind of responsible for overseeing, someone (think junior lawyer/paralegal). This person is failing to keep up with deadlines and things just aren’t getting done. Do I leave it, as it’s not REALLY my job to “supervise”, or do I follow up as though it is?
Ellen
You MUST speak up. If you are responsibel for overseeing this schlub, do so! Otherwise that schlub will skate by while you do all the work. You must be on this jerk’s butt to do the work, do it right and ON TIME. I had this probelem with Mason, who did NOT work hard and just wanted to have sex with Lynn. That is not why we were paying him to come to work. So I told the manageing partner and he eventueally dumped him. YAY!!!
Emmer
Is the lateness affecting you? If so, I would say something and focus on that. If not, leave it to the person’s actual supervisor.
KT
My eyebrow fell off during a major meeting…and into a mug.
It was horrifying, but now hilarious.
Enjoy laughing at my expense :)
hoola hoopa
Please tell me it was your mug at least!
So glad you can laugh about it now :)
KT
It was not :( And it was a mink one, so I wasn’t going to just let it go…so I fished it out and kept it. So I have a soggy mink eyebrow in my pocket.
It’s always funny–just some days it’s still a shock…like the days when I wake up to huge clumps of hair on my pillow.
But my wigs and hairpieces are freakin fantastic!
Mariah
I’m so sorry but oh god I’m trying so hard not to laugh at the mental image.
Help
I am on track to bill 3000 hours this year.
Anonymous
Just say no to more work. Nobody is going to throw you a life preserver; you have to save yourself.
Help
I get that, I promise, but when I try to turn down work I’m told that it will affect my reputation…
mickey
you need to think long and hard about whether this is what you want.
if it is, then maybe this is the price you pay. work 14 hours days 6 days a week indefinitely. knowing that working this many billables is really good and efficient training.
but if it’s not. and it doesn’t sound like it is… say no. say “i’m busying working on a project for [partner] with a tight deadline. if this can wait until after [deadline] i’m happy to assist. otherwise, i’m unable to help you.” and then be thinking about where you want your career to go and whether you’ll need to move on to a different job.
Help
You’re right. Unfortunately for various reasons I can’t leave before the end of this year. Also unfortunately my life has fallen apart, for obvious reasons. I can’t talk about this with anyone – who wants to hear someone complaining about work – so I’m just keeping it to myself and I feel like I’m about to lose it.
Shopping Challenged
So you are OK with all the hours because it takes your mind off other problems? Personally, I’d rather have a rep as a person with a backbone who does stellar work on the things I choose to say “yes” to (within reason. You obviously can’t cherry pick entirely). Are you planning to quit at the end of the year? With the earnings from those hours you could take a nice little sabbatical.
lawsuited
You don’t need to bill 3000 hours just to stay there for the next year. Intangibles like “your reputation” may show up on your annual review but will not get you fired in the next 7 months.
And if talking about it to Internet strangers are not enough, talk to another lawyer friend who understands. We all complain about work because it’s how we spend most of our waking hours. As long as it’s not the only thing a friend talks about for months on end, I’m always happy and willing to talk a friend through a rough period at work. Maybe give people a chance to surprise you rather than assuming they won’t care?
Anon
You need to take care of you. I have worked at a V3 law firm. They will take every ounce of you until you say that you are UNABLE to handle more work. If this is deal or trial related, then ask to be taken off at least one deal or one case. If this is temporary, fine, but if it looks to be stretching for more months at a time, you can cry uncle. It may affect your reputation, and you probably won’t get fired. In fact, you might turn into THAT ASSOCIATE that isn’t given 3000 hours of work a year and who handles it with nary a peep?
Ask yourself:
– Am I fantasizing about my bed?
– Do I want to make partner here?
– Do I have at least two-three good references from this job?
– When was the last time I did something fun/did something more than sleep on my time off?
– Do feel proud of my job/am I excited to go to work each morning?
– Do I feel like my family, friends or SO don’t understand?
– Am I doing good work, or am I so overwhelmed/tired/sleep-deprived/unmotivated because there is a neverending stream of work?
– When was the last time I took a personal day (or would doing that make it worse)?
– Is it possible to delegate _some_ of the tasks that are on my plate? Who can I supervise to do this?
– Have I booked a vacation for sometime later in the year? If not, do so, stat.
Good luck. Only you can decide if this job is right for you. But remember that there are many variations of biglaw, and not all of them are 3000 hours a year. You could get paid the same, and still get great experience, somewhere that does not routinely expect you to bill 3000.
TBK
It will affect your reputation. Your current reputation is that of someone who takes on unending work. Is that the reputation you want? By the way, who’s telling you this will affect your reputation? The partner dumping something on your desk at 9:00pm with an 8:00am deadline? If so, consider the person’s motives for telling you this (hint: it’s not to protect YOUR reputation). How is workflow in your firm generally? If everyone’s billing crazy amounts and the firm is in growth mode, you might have to s–ck it up until they hire more help. Although in that case, do be sure they’re hiring more help. But it’s more likely there’s someone on pace for 1500, but the partners are used to going to you, so they keep going to you. One option: figure out who in your group has extra time and see if they’re up for taking on some of your work. Then present it to the partner as “hey, I was drowning but Jane has some time, so she’s going to pick up the memo the client just asked for. I brought her up to speed on the issues and will be sure to take a look at it before you get it, just to be sure we didn’t miss anything.” Unless Jane has no work because she’s terrible (and they’re starving her of hours as a way to nudge her out the door) how can the partner complain?
LAnon
I don’t ever say “No” to work. Instead I say, “Okay, with my current workload, the soonest I can focus on this is next Wednesday / mid-July / sometime in 2018. Does that work?” If they push back, you can follow up with, “I’d really like to help out with this; it seems really interesting, but I just want to make sure we’re on the same page about when it can get done.” You can even be more specific if it’s your boss, “Okay, I can work on this but it would mean I won’t wrap up Deal X until next week, is that OK?” Another line would be, “Can I get back to you? I’d like to take this on, but it would mean rearranging some work with Clients A, B and C, so I just want to get that cleared.” If you can, be explicit about what would be de-prioritized. “This would mean I’ll finish up with Client A sometime next week instead of this week,” is a whole lot more impactful than, “I’d have to move some stuff around but could probably do it.”
Act like you would *love* to take on whatever project they have but ugh, bummer, you don’t want to let them down and you already have a bunch of other commitments that can’t be rearranged. And don’t hedge on those commitments. “I am completely booked until next week,” is a lot more definitive than, “Ohh, well, I’m pretty busy but I might be able to fit it in?” The latter makes it sound like you’ll have some spare bandwidth and you’re just trying to decide whether or not to spend it on their project.
Shopping Challenged
I second this.
I’ve done a similar thing–asked my immediate supervisor to prioritize the things she and the firm’s two co-directors each gave me to do. She usually knew about those projects, but not always, and sometimes wasn’t thinking of the scope of them. Also, part of my job was to be available to answer questions in my field of specialty as they came up, so that occasionally bogged me down more than usual.
Anon
My new boss just requested my CV to get a sense of my background. I only have a resume and have been working less than a year (recent graduate). Will it be looked down upon if I send a resume? Do I really need to spend time updating said resume?
KT
What’s your field? Many use CV and resume interchangeably, unless you’re in academia, where a CV with publication you’ve worked on would be important.
Anon
In-house counsel
KT
Your resume is fine
Anonymous
I would interpret “CV” to mean resume in that case.
NYNY
Yup, “CV” is the pretentious version of resume.
aby
any experience w marital counseling/questions to ask before hiring a counselor? my husband is a great guy in nearly every respect, and I have no interest in divorce, but he drives me crazy by not following through with doing things he says. This has been an ongoing issue in our relationship and causes fights in an otherwise peaceful marriage. I have tried umpteenth various ways to try to explain why this upsets me, how it makes me feel, etc and nothing’s working, and it’s making me very frustrated/unhappy. An example, he will promise to take care of x number of household responsibilities before I get home on a busy day, and then instead he goes to a social event after work with friends, and I get stuck doing it all.This happens probably 3x a month and I feel like I can’t count on him to follow through. We have the same argument over and over (Which is one sided, he admits wrongdoing, feels bad after, doesn’t change the behavior. He’s a social butterfly, loses track of time-to me you’re an adult and that’s unacceptable outside an occasional issue). I know he could be doing worse things and no concerns about cheating, but upsets me to no end. He sees a counselor for some other depression issues and I was just going to ask them for a referral (he’ll absolutely go if I ask him) but was curious on any questions to ask the counselor…mainly looking to work on communication issues. ugh
Catlady
He might have adult ADD. I have it, and I forget to do things constantly. Medication and a system of lists and calendars can help.
Anonymous
+1
Also, just don’t do the thing that he was supposed to do. In a way, you are enabling him by doing this. (BTW – I have this same problem with my spouse, who as adult ADHD)
Vi
I think with the right person counseling can be really helpful — I’d ask them their approach and how they would approach working through this issue. What they say should make sense to you and both of you should feel comfortable with the person. Also ask about scheduling, fees, etc. And, ask about time-frame they think might be required (though they may not commit to that).
Lizbet
One of the things I learned in counseling is that if I want my spouse to do something and he says he’ll do it but doesn’t, the worst thing I can do is “get stuck with it anyway.” That removes the consequences of his failure to act — all he has to do is listen to me be upset, which might be a good trade-off for getting out of whatever the work at issue was. (None of this is conscious — husband is a great guy.) I found just letting the things go undone was far more effective than repeatedly asking.
Anonymous
I could have written your post. my husband has ADHD; we figured that out when one of our kids got diagnosed. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to take meds for it, but learning that (and reading a lot about it) has helped me. I have also learned that I am an over functioner and he is an under functioner, and the more I over-function, the easier it is for him to under-function, because I save him from the consequences of his under-functioning. So, this is what I try to do 1) ask him to do things/chores/help that impact him as much as me — like dinner as opposed to straightening something up, because he needs to eat too but doesn’t care about something being clean, 2) try really hard not to just do it myself when dinner is late or the job isn’t done, 3) try to be compassionate because it must be hard to have ADHD and its so easy for me to just get my stuff done. 1 2 and 3 are all super hard for me to do by the way — especially 3 because hey for me its so not hard to do what I say I will do, to do what needs to be done. I find it all goes easier/better when I get enough sleep, exercise, eat well, and take care of myself. When any of those things go, I get more tightly wound and more irritated. food luck.
Anon
Mental health/trigger question…
My SO has met my family, but does not know them very well yet. He has only spent time with them during the winter, i.e. in long-sleeve weather.
SO attempted suicide a long time ago – around 15 years. He slashed both wrists very severely, nearly died, and was involuntarily committed. He’s healthy and happy and medicated now, but the scars on his forearms are really gruesome. SO wears long sleeves to cover them at work, but he’s otherwise nonchalant and leaves the scars uncovered for any social events, etc.
We’re visiting my family in a few weeks, in the south. It will be hot. He has offered to wear long sleeves so that my family doesn’t see the scars, but that sounds awful and alienating to me. On the other hand, my mother is super freaked out by mental health issues (including mine). She basically believes psychiatric problems are just when people are being “selfish and self-absorbed.” She’s opposed to medication/therapy and thinks people just need to “snap out of it.” She’s generally a liberal, kind person, but this is a cruel belief of hers. I suspect it has something to do with self-denial around her own problems.
My mom is crazy observant, and she will notice the scars first thing, immediately. I can imagine her constantly staring at them, and coming to me saying this is a bad partner – unstable, whatever. I truly think this could become a family vs. SO situation in which they will never accept him. Of course I will always be on his side. But I am close to my parents don’t want to be estranged from them over this. I want them to love and accept my partner as family. And I want him to be comfortable exactly how he is.
I guess this is similar (though not as bad) to family disapproving of an SO’s race, gender, etc….
What can I do? Call my mom and give her a heads up? Let SO wear long-sleeves? I just want to make him feel welcomed and avoid some whole dramatic thing.
KT
Tell your mom it’s none of her darned business and refuse to engage on the topic. Change the subject or flatly say “I will not discuss this”.
Mom: He’s not a good partner for you!
You: I’m not willing to discuss this. Do you need help with the fruit salad?
Mom: No, but let’s talk about Matt, someone like that is going to hurt you!
You: As I said, I’m not going to discuss this. If you can’t drop it, Matt and I will be leaving.
And follow through.
Anonymous
I would explain your mom’s likely reaction to your SO and ask if he feels comfortable if you can forewarn her. If you get his permission, tell her about the scars and explain their history like you did here.
If your SO doesn’t give permission and wants to wear long sleeves, let him. If he wants to wear short sleeves, let him do that too.
Anon
I agree with this. Let him make the decision regarding sleeves, and respect that decision.
Regarding your mom, can you involve your SO in how you both want to handle this?
Do you believe you can educate your mom about mental health issues? If not, accept that and decide what YOU can do to take care of yourself and SO with this trip. That may mean giving her a heads up and setting the boundaries ahead of time or drawing firm boundaries regarding whether it is open for discussion, how you will react to comments, your threshold for excusing yourselves and a few simple responses.
I cannot speak to disapproval over race, but I can speak to the strife that an unwillingness to accept mental health issues places on a family. My husband struggles and his family just doesn’t accept it (my family on the other hand, views a therapist as an essential part of one’s health team). His family looks for easy outs and answers. For right now, we have had to draw a pretty strict boundary around communication and visitation, although it is terribly hard on all. You do not have to figure out the whole future right now, just figure out how to best handle this upcoming visit.
merry
Yes, yes, yes.
Anonymous
My initial reaction is, lie. Tell your mom that he got the scars doing X and he doesn’t like to talk about it so please don’t bring it up. X could be terrible car accident, mountain climbing accident, he was mugged, etc. Make sure he knows what’s up.
Couple of problems with that. 1) It’s probably more alienating than asking him to wear long sleeves. 2) How likely is it that someone on his side might spill the beans one day?
KT
And it IS as bad as someone as family disapproving race or gender…thinking mental illness is an indulgence and that him having gone through this journey makes him bad for you is pretty cruel.
You want them to love and accept him. But be realistic, is that going to happen? From what you’ve written here, I don’t think so. So if you are going to stick with your partner, you need to set strict boundaries and not entertain any discussion.
Anonymous
No, it’s not as bad as disapproving of someone because of race or gender or religion. Not wanting someone to hurt your child is a perfectly normal and understandable parental instinct and frankly dating someone who has attempted suicide is asking for a lifetime of heartache. I’m not saying it’s morally right and of course this guy is probably a terrific person who deserves love and companionship regardless of his past, but all parents look out for their own children first and foremost, and the mom’s instinct is pretty understandable and on a totally different plane than not wanting your child to date someone because of their race. I would have the same feelings as OP’s mom, although I would have the decency not to express them in front of the SO.
Anon
Thinking less of someone, or attempting to steer someone clear of a person who has struggled with mental illness, is terribly hurtful. It is not morally right.
I don’t think that dating or marrying someone who has attempted suicide is asking for a lifetime of heartache. So very many people struggle with mental illness and those same people can recover and live wonderful, healthy lives. These illnesses should be brought into the light, understood and accepted in the same way as any other illness.
Anonymous
I agree with the gist of what you said, and because OP and her boyfriend are both strangers to me, I wish them well and hope they’ll be very happy together. But if OP were my daughter I would not feel the same way. Parents are not required to be objective when it comes to situations involving their children, and while I agree that her position is hurtful to the BF, I think it’s a pretty understandable position for a parent to take that they don’t want their daughter to date someone who is statistically much more likely to kill himself than the average person.
Badlands
It might be understandable for a parent to feel that way, but it’s also understandable to ask the parent to keep those concerns to themself, seeing as the children are adults.
And is an appropriately medicated person who has addressed/is dealing with their mental health issue really more likely to die than the average person? Because I think that’s the more important statistic to consider, since I’m pretty sure daughter would be heartbroken no matter how BF died.
Anonymous
My husband has struggles with mental illness and I have seriously questioned whether if I had to go back and do it again, I would. I don’t admit this out loud and certainly never to him, but it is a bit cavalier to say that mental illness shouldn’t be a consideration for dating/marrying someone or for parents to be concerned.
anon
” Not wanting someone to hurt your child is a perfectly normal and understandable parental instinct and frankly dating someone who has attempted suicide is asking for a lifetime of heartache.”
Oh my GOD, citation needed.
“this guy is probably a terrific person who deserves love and companionship regardless of his past”
You obviously don’t think that if you think that he will cause his partner a lifetime of heartache.
The more I read this, the angrier I get. As someone who really struggled with mental illness in my teens, and got it entirely under control, f*** you. So glad that you think that I’m worthy of love and companionship in spite of my dark scary “past,” and that I will cause my partner a lifetime of heartache.
Look around, everyone! This is why there’s a stigma regarding mental illness, which, of course, makes people less likely to seek treatment.
Anon
In case you check back today (I’m anon at 4:55, among other times on this thread): I agree whole-heartedly. I have struggled; my husband has struggled; my sister has, etc…… The more I learn, the more I feel that so many of us struggle with mental illness. And the above type of comments tell those of us who have struggled that we should be ashamed, keep it hidden, and are a threat to the well-being of those we love. Just no.
And, re: “more likely to kill himself than the average person.” Yes, a past suicide attempt is an increased risk factor for completing suicide, but here’s the reality: There is simply no predicting who will actually complete suicide. There are know risk factors but they are just that, risk factors.
shopping
You think racists are not afraid of their child being hurt by a “monster” of that race? Try reading comments sections on a few newspaper articles that involve a black man in any way.
GRRR
“…frankly dating someone who has attempted suicide is asking for a lifetime of heartache.”
Wait WHAT?!? Seriously this is so f***ing absurd I could scream at my computer, and I write that as a person who has fortunately never struggled with mental illness to such a degree that I have even fleetingly entertained the idea of trying to kill myself. You are a terrible, awful person if you think that a regrettable decision someone very well may have made as a teenager (with the accompanying not-fully-developed brain, to boot) is something that will lead to a lifetime of heartache for the people they have relationships with.
Anonymous
I’ve attempted suicide twice. My boyfriend would strongly disagree with you on the lifetime of heartache.
shopping
“He had some real issues then but is over it now”. If she presses and asks if he isn’t self-absorbed, you can tell her some of the ways he’s grown and changed since then. I don’t see any reason to mention how he’s accomplished those changes, unless you are out to change her mind in either therapy or meds.
WestCoast Lawyer
First, I would clear whatever you plan to do with your SO to make sure he is comfortable with it, and also to give him the heads up that your mom has these issues, they are HER issues and you will support however he wants to address it (within reason).
But if it were my mom I’d suggest calling a couple weeks ahead of time, giving her a very brief synopsis along the lines of what you said here. Let her know whether it is something SO is comfortable taking about or would prefer not to discuss. If necessary, also let her know that if she is going to be rude to SO you will be limiting your visit.
FP
Have had a very similar issue with my family. This is a symptom of many higher-stakes boundary issues that are likely to emerge as you and your SO get closer and you start refocusing your “primary allegiance” to him.
I can recommend some good books on this subject, but let me just say, these early meetings will set the tone– I’m still hearing about the details of ours seven years later. Given what you’ve told me, my instinct is to come up with a good cover story and stick to it. I don’t generally advocate lying, but a lot of the best resources on this subject do around certain topics. Think of it like protecting his anonymity if he were in AA– this is a different type of recovery.
Anon
Would love some book recommendations!!
FP
All of these were helpful at one phase or another-
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life, by Margalis Fjelstad
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Karyl McBride
Coping with your Difficult Older Parent, Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Grown-Up Marriage by Judith Viorst
Happy to connect offline if you’d like to chat more about it.
I will check this post tomorrow, because I wish so much that I had had someone who knew this very specific type of situation to talk about it with. It’s baffling and tough and caught me totally off guard. I fought the whole battle again when we got engaged and my parents weren’t happy, again with our wedding, and on and on…. now I’m finally, with the help of some of these resources, learning not to battle but just be.
Jen
Not helpful to your actual question, but if you go the long sleeve route my DH regularly wears linen shirts (long sleeve) with shorts when we visit our family in the hot sweaty south.
Though this is an issue that will come up eventually and i would give your mother advanced notice before she has time to cook up her own theories and gossip about them.
Jen
Hey there! I don’t know how else to address this, but I’ve been posting under the handle Jen for years and just noticed you posting as Jen. Not a huge issue as it’s such a common name (and I don’t really care if there are two of us posting under the same name), but just thought I’d let you know (in case you do care)!
Anon for this
“But I am close to my parents don’t want to be estranged from them over this. I want them to love and accept my partner as family. And I want him to be comfortable exactly how he is.”
But you can’t make this happen. My husband has some mental health issues. My mom, while not quite like your mom, is kind of similar. I’m not by any means estranged from my parents, but we’re not as close as we were before I met my husband. I used to try to “make” everyone get along and be happy and love each other. It meant I had a breakdown and wound up sobbing every time we visited each other. I think you’ve gotten some good advice here, but just make sure you don’t try to make everyone else’s feelings your responsibility.
Anonymous
“She basically believes psychiatric problems are just when people are being “selfish and self-absorbed.” She’s opposed to medication/therapy and thinks people just need to “snap out of it.””
Is it terrible that my first thought was that if she asks, come back with “He had a period of self-indulgence in his youth, but thank goodness he snapped out of it!”
shopping
I actually think that’s a perfect answer. Either that or “that was a bad time for him. Thanks goodness it’s behind him now!”
Either way, wmphacize the “doesn’t like to talk about it” part.
Anonymous
Does anyone know if Sephora is going to have a sale soon?
lawsuited
Nope, the VIB sales happen twice a year – usually in April and November.
Is there an app for that?
I’m looking for a good way to keep track of the homework my therapist gives me. Something like a combo of calander and a to-do list where I can write things down ahead of time or as I do them.
Annie
Wunderlist! You can put in tasks, and then give them a due date and a reminder. I use it for one-off tasks (stop by friends house to feed cats) and recurring monthly tasks (give dog heartworm medicine). You can also share the lists with others, so I have one with my husband with house tasks.
Cb
Evernote! You can set deadlines for things and use it like a to do list but also journal.
I also really like an old fashioned pocket journal.
Anon for this
Hi hive,
Someone posted yesterday about taking a writing test as part of a job interview. I’m not that person but interestingly wrote a knowledge test today as part of a selection process for a government job.
I feel that it went ok, but certainly not as well as I was hoping or expecting. The questions were very different from what I had prepared for. Is it ever appropriate, when you’re told that you’ll be tested, to ask about the format of the test (i.e. multiple choice, long answer) or for clarification regarding what will be assessed? I did not do this for fear that it would come across as inappropriate but some insight would’ve helped me.
Anonymous
I can only speak to Government and say that it’s not weird at all if people ask about required employment testing/hiring and test formats.
We have pretty clear guidelines of what we can and cannot share, so don’t ‘push’ someone to give you ‘insider info’ or anything, but asking about the format of the test would just tell me that you wanted to be prepared.
Anonymous
Yes, I think it’s perfectly normal to ask them to describe the format of the test. I wouldn’t push if they are vague or say they can’t tell you, but I don’t see how an initial “can you describe the format of the test” question could be inappropriate. It’s probably expected, in fact.
Anonymous
Global Entry vs. TSA Pre-Check? Which one and why for someone who travels domestically 5-10x/year and averaging internationally 2x/year. Thanks!
anon prof
Global entry. Worth every penny even if you travel less, in my opinion. Standing in the immigration line after an international flight is awful.
Anonymous
If you get global entry you will also be enrolled in tsa pre-check. If you can you should get global entry (in my opinion). The agents actually came to my office to process applications for a larger group. It might be something to look into if you are traveling for work.
Anonymous
Definitely Global Entry. It includes precheck and is only ~$15 more.
Meg
Global Entry at $15 more is a no brainer if you live in a city with a CBP interview office. i had to travel to do the Global Entry interview but it was worth it for me. TSA Precheck is available at a lot more locations.
Fishy24
In case anyone cares about the bag pictured, I have it in black and it’s an awesome bag! Holds a ton, relatively light for a leather bag and still looks somewhat sleek. The zippered side pockets are pretty cool for easy access items. Highly recommend!!!