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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 164 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Dia White Sapphire Roni Hoop Earrings

Coffee Break |

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Three-Row Gold Hoop Earrings: Elizabeth and James Dia White Sapphire Roni Hoop EarringsThese small studs seem stately but fresh — I love the circle-square-rectangle pattern and the fact that they’re small sapphires. They’re $55 at Saks Off 5TH — and there's a rhodium-plated version at Nordstrom for $95. Elizabeth and James Dia White Sapphire Roni Hoop Earrings (L-3)

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Comments

  1. anonymous

    Are there any WOC on this site married to white men? I am, and I think DH can be really good about listening and caring when I vent about racism and such, but other times it feels like I’m inconveniencing him when he doesn’t want to be brought out of his comfort bubble. There have also been occasions in the past when I’ve felt like I have to frame everything nicely for his consumption instead of just expressing myself. I do think he’s generally pretty good at these things, and he’s a very aware person in general, but I don’t think he always knows how to respond when I’m upset about something or there’s something in particular going on. I’m curious about the dynamic that others have in similar relationships. Sometimes this makes me feel really lonely, but I can’t tell if I’m just being oversensitive (he’s human after all, he cares, and I generally think he tries) or if maybe something needs to change.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have a friend you can vent to occasionally about this?

      There are sometimes things that you can’t share 100% with your spouse, and that’s ok. That’s why we also have friends/other family.

      Alternatively, you can try one day when all is good to talk to him about it. Not sure it will go too far, if he is already being pretty attentive. But you can get in a few “I feel….” statements that may stay in his mind for future situations. And also let him know you feel supportive overall, if you worry he will be defensive. But it is clear there may always be some things he will never truly understand.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I read a good discussion recently, can’t remember if it was here or on APW, about how it’s OK, even preferable, to go to different people for different emotional needs. No one can be everything to someone else. Having strong connections with others really strengthens your marriage because you’re not holding each other to this impossible standard.

      • Shopping

        I agree that no one person can meet all of another’s needs, but if people are saying your spouse is worth less or worthless, how could you not care? “Racism” isn’t just a thing that is out there, a philosophical idea. It is an attack directed at individuals.

    • Anonymous

      I’m white, but from rural Kentucky and a sometimes-Army brat and my spouse is from a Mayflower-type background. Also, he’s a guy. For many things that get me, I have some friends (all female) who really get where I am coming from. Husband’s not a bad guy and you can’t chose your family, but he doesn’t quite get things the way someone who has lived them has. I try to explain, but sometimes I just want to unload (in which case, he’s not the greatest unload-ee).

      • emeralds

        I’m a white woman so I haven’t lived the life of a POC and can’t speak to that specific element…but if it makes you feel better, I feel exactly the same way talking to my white, middle-class, male SO about feminism, some of my experiences as a woman in the world, and some social justice concerns. He’s a wonderful partner and so supportive in so many ways, but he just doesn’t viscerally understand my gendered experiences with the world.

        • pockets

          I’m also white with a white husband. He identifies as a feminist and would never judge a woman on the basis of her gender. I thought he was totally on the feminism bandwagon and I could just trust him to see things with feminist eyes.

          And yet. We have a daughter together, and he recently he said that he felt bad for our daughter because she would have such a harder time in the world than a man would. It was a thought that had just come to him at that moment. Apparently the fact that he’s had a female mother, female sisters, and a female wife never made him consider that women had a harder time of it. Female child is what did it.

          It’s hard for people to get things that don’t directly impact them. Maybe once you have kids (if you have kids) he will see things differently.

          • Shopping

            I’m glad he recognized it for your daughter. Hope he’s able to carry that insight over to you and other women.

    • Anon

      Agree that based on the info you’ve provided us, he may just not understand everything you’re feeling fully. If he is trying his best and you feel that he is, maybe like commenter above said, you can vent to someone else like a girl friend about these issues. Disclamer: (not trying to be rude, offensive etc etc. Just a question out of curious it’s since we are all anonymous here. Prior to getting married to a white man, was this something you thought could be an issue at some point? Like did you have convos about “in the event that we encountered racism still… Etc etc” for example? Always wondered how these (racial tension issues) would play out in an interracial relationship. Was a point of concern for me in not pursuing interracial relationships.

      • anonymous OP

        Yes, I thought it could be an issue.The fact that I’m not white didn’t go over so well with his family when we were dating, so I knew that was an issue. There were times when I thought maybe I didn’t want to pursue something with him specifically because of the racism and related things, but I never thought about not pursuing interracial relationships because of it. I think that would have been a big mistake- there are a ton of possible frictions in relationships and ways in which people can be incompatible. Like so many other things, I guess it’s reasonable in a lot of cases that race is a proxy for that, but race is just a part of someone’s experience and who s/he is, and every person interacts with those experiences differently. You just don’t really know anything about someone until you get to know them, regardless of what color they are. DH and I could not be more different in terms of our circumstances growing up, family backgrounds, wealth/privilege, and the values that were imparted to us by our parents. I’ve never met anyone else who even comes close to what I want in a partner and sharing my values and all that. And honestly, having an interracial relationship has added a lot to my understanding of other people and my life in general. It’s not all bad.

        “in the event that we encountered racism…” We talked about this, and he really does understand things far beyond his possible experience. It’s really impressive, actually. But he doesn’t always know what to do about it (despite commentary from me), and this is another one of those things that you don’t necessarily know how it’ll go until it happens. I found that having these conversations didn’t prepare us for the reality any more than thinking about interracial relationships before doing it.

    • Anonymous

      There’s two things going on:

      1. the issue – racism – something he needs to be 100% on board in terms of acknowledging that it’s a huge problem in this country and affects your life in many different ways. He will never fully understand your lived experience as a WOC in this country, he can be empathetic about the issue but he doesn’t walk in your shoes.

      2. how you as a person feel about the issue (and what you want from him) — this isn’t so much a WOC/white guy problem – it’s more about people needing support in different ways. Personally, I often want to vent to my DH without him trying to ‘fix’ something. I get really frustrated when he tries to propose solutions – I just want to vent. I had to very expressly state what I need to him. He genuinely wants to help but didn’t know what I need until sat him down and told him.

      FWIW DH and I are both white but from two countries/cultures that are quite different especially around interpersonal interaction.

    • Nancy Raygun

      I’m black, my husband’s white and sometimes we have to deal with this. We agree on our views of things generally, but he just doesn’t have the same wealth of knowledge and experience about what it’s like to not be a white guy because he is one. I remind him that he sometimes is unaware of certain things I take for granted because the nature of his privilege is that he hasn’t had to really see those things. First he said it was like I was trying to make him see a new color. We struggle with this stuff sometimes. But our relationship is worth it. We are always respectful and loving with one another. I’ve had people question whether it’s worth it to be in such an intimate relationship with someone who can’t empathize out of experience with some of the things you go through culturally, but for me it is. I try not to let peoples’ judgments get to me, but I’m human and sometimes I do. Then I remember I chose my husband because he gets me on a human level and as long as he works at being my partner, we’re fine.

      • anonymous

        Thanks Nancy. This is mostly how I feel too, and I don’t think it’s necessary to share the same experience to care or empathize. I guess this is just one of those times we struggle.

      • ezt

        I’m a POC with a white partner and this is what it boils down to for me as well. We come to things from such vastly different perspectives (not just POC/white but also immigrant/non-immigrant, city-bred vs. small town, white-collar family vs. blue-ish) that it’s actually amazing to me that, on a person-to-person level, I’ve never met anyone who gets me more and gets on my nerves less. So when stuff like this comes up, that’s what I hold on to. But I do think it’s worth it to always say something in the moment – letting the subject drop and letting resentment build is especially dangerous in this particular context, I think.

        • Nancy Raygun

          Really good advice re: communicating immediately. I think I’ve actually said something like this to my husband about us being from very different backgrounds. But how you interact and work together is what’s important.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have this specific experience, but I am white and my fiance is black. We both follow news and politics closely, and I often want to engage or understand his perspective better without tokenizing him or asking him to speak for all black men. I really struggled when we first got together with how to talk about these things, and we’ve both had to be willing to assume the other person was coming from a good place in our interactions.

      In your husband’s place, I’d want you to tell me that I wasn’t really empathizing. Have you told him that you don’t feel like he’s engaging enough with what you’re saying? In an ideal world, how would you like him to respond? Can you help him understand why/how the way he reacts doesn’t support you in the way you need?

      • Nancy Raygun

        Your last paragraph seems really helpful. My husband and I are both really straightforward people and he doesn’t read between the lines. In general, I tell him exactly what kind of response I need from him. He gets that even if he doesn’t understand something, it’s important to me and he needs to listen. In our culture, a lot of us get this message that our partners should anticipate our needs and always agree with our feelings. But it’s OK to tell someone what you need.

    • Shopping

      I’m white, my son is mixed. His father is not the first black man I ever dated. I’m a single mom.

      How is it possible to love a black or brown person and want them to live a long and happy life without being upset about racism?

      If you are not white and you live in the US right now, racism is a danger for you. Not only because you could be killed (Treyvon Martin was killed about 100 miles from where we live; the little boy in Cleveland was my son’s age), but also because of the physical health conditions it brings, which are well documented. PTSD has now been officially redefined to include people who have been harmed by enduring years of racism.

      I am upset with my family all the time for not giving a rip about racism. My sisters do not even discuss it with their children, who are all blonde, and get cross with me for troubling them with that sort of thing if I mention it. My son is nearly 14, so becoming a young man, and clearly has no choice whether he knows about racism or not. OTOH, I guess he wouldn’t always like to hear them talk about it. He is taking a multiculturalism class in high school, which is taught by a white man. He says that “half the class” is black (roughly 8% black and 8% mixed at his school) and that he and they do not like having a white man tell them about racism, because he’s never been through it.

      In any sort of bullying, being on your own makes it much worse. It can lead to feeling you are not cared for, are not worth being cared for or protected, and are worthless. You are probably far enough established in your career to get a self-esteem boost there, but it is still important that he recognizes the way that racism, directed towards any one, is an attack on your worth as a person. And yes, I think a husband ought to care about that.

  2. Palm Springs Q

    I have a work conference (finance) coming up at the JW Marriott in Palm Springs. I’ve never been to Palm Springs and don’t know what a So Cal resort work conference wardrobe looks like.

    I have a lot of DVF print sheaths and some sleeved MM LaFleur dresses that all pack well and I usually wear to my biz-casual work (which is more biz than casual). I can easily get too cold, but usually don’t get too hot (esp. if it’s a dry heat).

    Any advice or recommendations? I’m an east-coaster, so my wardrobe of solid colors is largely black or dark colors, but I have some scarves / necklaces that can liven things up. Would a structured cardi be OK to carry for warmth (and jackets / blazers would be OK if omitted from a sleeved dress)?

    All advice appreciated!

    • Lo

      Your wardrobe sounds gorge first off. Jealous of all your DVF! how about a wrap dress & the cardi? Or a blazer instead. Or Any of those sheaths with a blazer. Personally, as long as it’s well structured and clean, I think a blazer can make anything look instantly pulled together.

    • Palm Springs Q

      Also, there are some parties at night. Would something like a *lightly* beaded mini-caftan be OK to wear to something like that? Or just what I’m wearing during the day? I am really not sure. I know what the Rat Pack would have done, but I am not Nancy Sinatra, so maybe I don’t get a pass for that. Lily? Or daytime conference attire?

      • Anonymous

        Lightly beaded mini caftan?!? At a finance conference? Sheath dress and heels. Not Lily. Do you make money or are you a wife.

        • Anonymous

          I am a wife :) but it is my conference.

          I’ve been to some finance conferences in Miami where some ladies changed for evening events, especially if billed as “fancy.” And I have no idea what Californians where, much like in a resorty place like Palm Springs.

          But I’m not wearing heels if I can avoid it. Conferences are deadly to feet. Wedges or bust!

        • Anon

          Do you make money or are you a wife???? LOL ARE YOU KIDDING?

          YES TO THE LIGHTLY BEADED MINI CAFTAN. It’s 2016 and it’s a party. Unless it’s sheer, I don’t see the issue.

          • Senior Attorney

            OMG I can’t think of one more thing that would be more appropriate for a party in Palm Springs than a LIGHTLY BEADED MINI CAFTAN!! (And I’m a lifelong So Cal dweller.)

            If you do not wear it, the angels will weep…

          • LAnon

            +1 to the LIGHTLY BEADED MINI CAFTAN!!

            Short of actually wearing your swimsuit to the event, I think you have a lot of license to wear something fun and resort-y. It is a resort! It’s Palm Springs! It’s California! It’s August!

        • Money Wifey

          I can’t decide if it’s a troll, but even if it is– can we get some more outrage on the “do you make money or are you a wife” ridiculousness? That makes me ragey, troll or not. (Do I really have to type the sentence “You can make money AND be a wife!”? Please don’t make me articulate such a basic premise….)

          And I say wear the caftan! You could also talk with a few people that day and see if anyone else plans to change clothes for the evening vs. just wear their day stuff. But I’d wear the caftan anyway.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yes, ragey but too ridiculous to dignify with a response in my view.

            And also? I need a *LIGHTLY* BEADED MINI CAFTAN in my life…

      • Anonymous

        If you can’t wear Lilly at a party in Palm Springs, then I don’t know where you can.

        • Calico

          I spend a lot of time in PS. I’ve actually never seen Lily there, or anywhere on the West Coast, for that matter. Trina Turk, however, is huge there.

          • Senior Attorney

            Lilly is not a thing in So Cal so people won’t really recognize it, but it would be surpassingly appropriate nonetheless.

        • Anonymous

          You’re thinking of Palm Beach, Florida? I’d think Palm Springs would be more Pucci than Lilly.

      • Anonymous

        I went to a law conference in Palm Springs and dressed in the brighter colored pieces from my standard LA big law work wardrobe (sheath dresses, primarily) to sessions, DVF for casual evening events, a silk maxi for the “formal” dinner, and was so overdressed. Federal judges were in shorts and polos or tshirts. Female lawyers were in shorts and tank tops (while attending panels, not just hanging around the resort). People teased me for wearing a suit (one of my more casual suits) when I presented. I’d look at pictures for your conference, but in my experience, anything goes.

    • Senior Attorney

      Oh, and it will be blisteringly hot outside and freezing from the a/c inside so by all means bring jacket/cardi whatever.

    • Anon

      I’ve been to >10 conferences at that JW, but none in finance….if you have questions about the resort t self let me know :-). I’m there at least twice a year and also an east coaster.

    • Shopping

      Can you link is to a pic of the “lightly headed mini caftan”? It sounds awesome, but questions–how is it mini? Where are the beads? What colors–make me want to see.

      On make money/be a wife: my mother weened my sister and drove her to her mother in another state so grandma could take sister to work with her daily and mom could attend the “auxiliary” events at my dad’s first professional conference after their wedding. Makes me angry when I compare it to their attitudes re my kid and my conferences, but still, wife coming along used to be a real thing. Used to be. Sister is now 50+. Perhaps the troll is just that old and out-of-date.

    • Wildkitten

      Yup. I’m here for you. Only one of mine is Toxic. There’s a support group for adult children of narcissists on Reddit that might help, even if that’s not the flavor of toxic you’ve got.

      • Shopping

        Wow. You write such good, insightful comments here! Don’t know why it surprises me that you’ve also been through this kind of hurt–that may be that your super understanding comes from having to work through this–but I somehow never would have expected it.

    • Anonymous

      Late to this but yes.

      It has helped recently for me to realize thatwhile I am very proud of my successes my famity of origin isn’t.

      • Shopping

        My mother actively undercuts my career. She looks at me blankly when I explain why the attack is offensive. I get it that she has no experience of living a career and thinking that what you do is appropriate, but dammit, why can’t she read any of the articles I’ve sent her about my industry & women, or just believe what I tell her!!!

      • anon anon

        This. Although I have a private practice, as did my father, in another field, there NEVER has been any awareness that I work just as hard etc. Adding that I do it all without any support staff. It’s just their crazy way of everything being about them… still maddening after 25+ years of my own “shop.”

    • Shopping

      Absolutely!! I could go on for days. Tell me how to email you. I promise I’ll listen.

  4. Anonymous

    This is my last week at my job (starting a new one after Labour Day) and I’m so bored and unmotivated. I’m literally only here so I can get the paycheque. I don’t have anything to do and there’s no Olympics to watch. Help me!

    • Anonymous

      Read back issues of the Ask A Manager website and then read the comments. A very rich comment group and some crazy workplace stories.

      • OP

        Ha, that’s actually what I’ve been doing all day. Just keeping hitting the “surprise me” button.

    • Shopping

      Plan out the ultimate, most meticulous Labor Day bash or getaway! Also, advance book your first vacay or long weekend from new job.

      Set up 401k rollover and whatever other financial moves changing jobs will entail.

      Anything else you can do to make life easier once new job starts? Order groceries for this weekend and next so you can prep make on weekends?

  6. Runner 5

    I’ve been watching Supergirl over the weekend and I’m in love with Kara’s work wardrobe. (Supergirl’s too but I think that’s a little less practical).

    Anyone know what shops they dress her from?

        • purplesneakers

          She plays Cat Grant (Kara’s boss) and she is AMAZING. I’m so sad she won’t be in every episode next season, since the show is filming in Vancouver and she lives in LA.

          • Anonymous

            Is there a picture of her aging somewhere? B/c she is really remarkable — I remember when she was in The Birdcage. Must know her secret (unless the secret = being married to Han Solo = fountain of youth).

  7. Annonn

    I would some job hunting advice! I just learned that I have made the shirt list of 2 for a in house attorney position that requires both commercial and government contracting skills. When I spoke to the HR person, I was given the feedback that the hiring manager really liked me and had great confidence in my drafting and negotiation skills, however, she was concerned about my skills in designing compliance programs. In the past, I have worked for large companies that have already had compliance programs in place for their govt. contracts, so I usually just ended up administering existing compliance programs. Should I send a follow-up email to the hiring manager reiterating my intrest in the job??

    • Anonymous

      I would, but I’d use it as an opportunity to reflect on how your experience working for large companies with in-place compliance programs means you’ve seen programs that are established and the ways they succeed and the ways they can be improved. Also, that compliance is an on-going implementation process. Don’t just reiterate. Add value.

    • Wendy

      Definitely send an email – it will help keep you in manager’s mind as she goes through the decision making process. It did for me when I was hiring someone.

  8. Anonymous

    Suggestions for things to do and places to eat at the end of September in Asheville? Heading there with DH and another couple! We love all food at all prices. Can’t wait!

    • Anonymous

      The Sunset Terrace at the Grove Park has an amazing view (and great wine selections). Would recommend at least getting drinks there (the food was v good, too, but we loved the view at sunset) at least.

    • anon

      Zambra for tapas. Also the Woolworth Walk is really neat little co-op/art gallery in an old department store.

      • AVL

        Curate is better than Zambra for tapas but reservations NOW! On 8/16/16 Paste Magazine had a “weekend layover in Asheville” article that is spot on.

      • Midwest Anon

        Ditto Curate over Zambra (though Zambra has an amazing sangria I’ve been wanting to recreate). Also Biscuit Head for brunch.

    • SW

      +1 for Sunset Terrace, if only for the view. The Admiral, Early Girl, and Sunny Point Cafe are also good. Downtown, especially the area around the Grove Park Arcade, has lots of fun little shops. If you like live music, see if there are any good shows at the Orange Peel while you are there.

  9. Anon

    A guy friend (maybe “friend” is strong – he was a law school classmate) of mine suffers from severe, debilitating depression and low self-esteem. He is, to put it mildly, a lecher. He’s been dating the most wonderful woman for years now, and they’re talking about getting married, but he has a disgusting wandering eye. For the past couple months, he’s been telling me about all the women he finds hotter than his beautiful girlfriend, etc. I’ve yelled at him plenty.

    Thing is, from the outside, he doesn’t seem like the philandering type. In public, he plays the devoted, future family man part very well.

    Do I tell the girlfriend? I’m acquainted with her but not really good friends. I just hate the idea of her (or anyone) wasting any more time with him.

      • January

        No – for all you know, she’s aware of his wandering eye. I’m also not sure that severe depression and being a lecher go together?

        If he starts talking to you about other women again, I’d just ask him, point blank, why he is telling you this. And if that gets his attention, ask him if everything is okay with the girlfriend. If not, you can ask him to stop telling you about women he finds hotter than his girlfriend. No yelling needed (but it does sound like he wants attention).

    • AIMS

      I’d say it isn’t any of your business. She may know, it may be all talk, or something else could be up. You’re barely friends with him and you have even less of a relationship with the GF. Let her sort out her own life.

    • Anonymous

      Ugh – I knew someone like this who had a lovely, sophisticated girlfriend. He was pretty repulsive in his comments about women, and made most women uncomfortable in his presence. But he could turn on the charm with his girlfriend, and was like a different person. It was shocking, and disturbing.

      Honestly, I don’t think he ever acted on his ?impulses.

      I didn’t know the girlfriend at all, and never said anything to her.

      They eventually broke up. I suspect multiple women friends talked to her. But it wasn’t really my place. Why should she listen to me?

      I also knew someone like this in medical school, who went into OB/GYN. He (and is male peers) is why I recommend all of my friends have women OB/GYNs. Just …. don’t go to a guy.

    • Anonymous

      I’ll be the voice of dissent. I dated someone similar for five years. And yes, I knew. But also – I DO wish that one of his friends or colleagues had pulled me aside. Plenty of his friends had skirted the issue, but no one looked me in the eye and said that they’d seen him behave in a way that he shouldn’t if he were serious about me. I honestly and truly wish that they had.

      • Godzilla

        Why would you need one of HIS friends to tell you that the guy you’re dating is a creep? Gurl, you know that makes no kinda sense.

    • Shopping

      Do you think she’d listen to you? A work colleague once told me that the guy I lived with was the cheating kind. I thought I was taking it with a grain of salt, but was still blown away when he actually did take action (with someone else) on that.

      • Shopping

        If one of his friends who knew him well had said something, I may have paid more attention. After the breakup, they were very forthcoming about his past and how amazed they were that he was faithful to me for so long. That was too late to do any good.

  10. Anon

    There was a really good threadjack last week of a young female associate who dominated an male interrupter during a meeting. Does anyone have experience and/or suggestions on how to deal with this in a more informal setting? I am in an office and the man I supervise sits outside my office in a cube. He frequently will interject in conversations between me and someone else who comes into my office/stands in my door way (with their back to his cube) clearly there to talk to me. The door is not closed, it’s just a drop-by to shoot the breeze or to ask me something. Often by a colleague, but it’s especially egregious to me when it’s my boss. I think he’s perceiving it as an open forum for comment if has something (he deems) relevant to add or knows something about the topic, and the door is left open. At best it’s annoying, but I view it as undermining, especially when someone is coming to me for advice/my personal opinion. I’ve already told him in a formal feedback scenario that it’s distracting for me to be interrupted when I’m speaking to someone in my office, but aside from that, how can I send the message that if someone is coming to me, there’s a reason and to butt out!?

    • MNF

      Have you directly told him to butt out in these scenarios? He might not equate what he’s doing with interrupting you (the comment in formal feedback). Next time it happens, say “Carl, this is what we’ve discussed – please don’t interrupt conversations in my office.”

      Of course, if it’s clear that he knows what he’s doing, then a direct/less gentle approach is warranted. “Carl, this conversation doesn’t concern you, please return to your work.”

      • OP

        I like linking it back to the initial conversation, but it would be awkward to say “this doesn’t concern you” because this is such an informal interaction I’m describing, that I don’t think the people who come to me and choose not to close my door to talk to me privately, are thinking super hard about what they are doing. They are coming to me because I’m the person that comes to mind for xyz topic, but it’s not private or confidential (hence door stays open). I would even expect the person in my doorway doesn’t necessary care that cube guy interjects, but I find it undermining all the same that he presumes he’s part of it and has something to say- often before I’ve even responded to the person’s question. But to tell him to return to his work isn’t the right tone.

        • Anonymous

          How about making a practice of inviting the person stopping by to sit down. “C’mon in Jan and let’s discuss.” If cube guy says something pretend that he’s complaining about the noise and close the door. “I don’t want to disturb Bob” as you close the door.

          or if he’s already said something “Interesting point Bob. Jan, why don’t you sit down and we can discuss.” – possibly adding “You can close the door so we don’t disturb Cube Guy.”

          When I’m stopping by a senior person’s office I often won’t sit unless invited to do so.

          Keep it light and friendly but if you’re really consistent that whenever he opens his mouth, the person gets invited in and the door closed, he’ll stop.

          • OP

            ALL OF THIS IS PERFECTION. THANK YOU!! Writing all of these on post-its to memorize…

          • Shopping

            Don’t puff up his over-inflated ego and encourage his self-importance by pretending it’s about not interrupting him. Those kinds of mixed messages can be hard to decode. If you don’t want to say something about the other person, then say something to him after they leave–“that is the sort of thing I meant when I said X”. Also, make sure he knows what “mansplaining” means. That alone might be enough, or if that hint is too gentle for him to understand; use that word in connection to his behavior.

        • Anonymous

          “Carl, could you give us a minute? Thanks”

          And then talk to him again privately.

          Or for awhile, when people stop by, ask them to come in and close the door.

          • OP

            Shopping, thanks for the point about not to tie it back to his ego and to phrase it as not wanting to disturb him… I’m not in a position where I could move him (nor is the office large enough for better options). It happens most frequently when my boss (a lady as well) is the 3rd party, creating a dynamic where I am subordinate in the conversation, just as Cube Guy is. So when my boss isn’t the one to draw the boundary in the conversation, I am concerned it will be overly awkward and territorial if I do it with something like, “Cube Guy, can you give us a minute? Thanks” I am going to try to bring “mansplaining” back into my daily vocabulary though. That’s a good one.

    • full of ideas

      And if talking to him doesn’t do it, move him to a different cube, and tell him why. He needs to respect boundries

    • lawsuited

      “Do you need something, Marcus? I’m just talking with Carol, but I can stop by your desk when I’m done?”

  11. Capsule Wardrobe Help

    So, piggybacking onto the question of only wearing dresses (and maybe skirts) from the other day, I am trying to figure out a good capsule wardrobe. I have about 8 or so dresses that I love, in different colors (black, navy, teal/greenish, black and white pattern, purple, gray). I have 2 blazers that I love (collarless light brown, light gray). The other jackets I have are jackets from suits, and I don’t particularly love them.

    Any suggestions on how to enhance my capsule wardrobe? How do you make wearing the same dress every other week not seem boring?

    Also, some of the dresses have features that aren’t particularly conducive to wearing under a jacket (like a unique neckline or some added decorative fabric that’s too bulky to sit under a jacket). Any suggestions on what to do with those in a cold office?

    • Shopaholic

      I would suggest getting a couple more blazers – maybe tweed, black/white, maybe a colour or two that you love) that are clearly separates so they don’t look like jackets that belong with suits.

      Then I would get some statement jewelry – chunky or long necklaces that can be mixed and matched with your dresses.

      • Capsule Wardrobe Help

        Thanks! I do have a fair number of statement jewelry, but I think some of it looks strange with some of the interesting necklines. I have some softer pieces for that, but only a few, so I feel like I wear the same things over and over.

        I definitely need to find more blazers – anyone have suggestions on good ones? I looked at the MM LaFleur jardigan and didn’t particularly care for it, but I don’t know…

    • Anon

      Do you have to wear blazers? Could you wear scarves? I wear dresses probably 9/10 days and almost never wear jackets except dress/jacket combos from Brooks Brothers, Hugo Boss, or Classiques Entier. Otherwise, I just wear dresses with jewelry and, when it’s cold, cardigans for the sleeveless dresses or scarves for the dresses with sleeves.
      I do have a friend who has 3 leather jackets that she often wears with dresses instead of wearing blazers. Depending on your office, maybe that would work for you?

  12. Laura B

    I’m not an earring person, but I love these.
    —-
    My 2010 Jetta is part of the buyback, so I’m car shopping – any plugs for compacts that you love? I really liked my Jetta, although it had a series of expensive repairs over the years that makes me want to stay away from them (even setting aside all the deception/cheating drama).

    Things I’m looking for:
    -Heated leather seats
    -Great pickup power (love my TDI turbo) + fun to drive
    -Touchscreen interface for media, XM/Sirius, easy connection to my phone
    -Sunroof
    -Backup camera
    -As much front legroom for 6’6″ DH as I can get (I know, it’s a compact – he’s OK in the Jetta though and this isn’t his main car)
    -Not a hatchback
    -No more than $30k, preferably $25k (hoping to limit the car paymnets to very minimal as we prep for a big move next year)
    -Power seats
    -Remote start

    I’ve test drove the Chevy Cruze (hated it) and Mazda 3 (it was OK, DH said he was OK on leg room but it seemed to me he was pretty cramped).

    Other cars on my short list are the Honda Civic Coupe, Hyundai Sonota, Kia Optima, and Nissan Sentra.

    Right now the Honda Civic Coupe has my attention – really the only reason I need a backseat is for my two dogs, so a coupe might make sense? Plus maybe make me feel better that it’s a Honda Civic, which feels boring? Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      Friends of mine with very tall SOs have the Buick Enclave / Chevy that’s the clone of that. If you get a used one, the price may be right.

    • 2 Cents

      We have the hatchback version of the Ford Focus SE. My husband likes it, but we’re both on the short side. He definitely has a lead foot and likes the acceleration the car has.

    • Anon

      I’m loyal to Honda, so I would always pick the Honda over any of those other options.

    • Lillers

      Does it need to be a brand-new car? I had a used Infiniti G37x that would tick all your boxes for <25-30k. I loved it. Mine was a sedan but they sell them in coupe style. They are really reliable too from my experience owning one.

      • Laura B

        I put on so many miles that I’m leaning towards new just because of that. And for some reason used-car shopping seems more overwhelming that new car shopping, but maybe it’s something to look into.

        • Lalalalola

          Maybe check around for a dealer-certified Audi A4 off a two-year lease.

      • Laura B

        That was on my list, and then it dropped off somehow. I might have to put it back on and test drive one…

    • SW

      I have a 2016 Honda Civic EX-T. I love it! It has every feature on your list other than power leather seats, which I think are an option. It also has a blind spot camera, which is awesome. Mine is a sedan – it has lots of legroom, even in the backseat.

      • Laura B

        I know leather seats are an option, but I don’t think power seats are an option for the coupe. Not sure that’s really a deal breaker though…

    • Anonymous

      Mazda 3. Very fun to drive. I know it works for ppl up to 6’1″.

      Hondas are such great cars. You really can’t go wrong there. If coolness is a factor for you: I know someone with a ‘vintage’ Honda civic coupe (like model… whatever it was called then) and car people swoon over it all the time. Like, stop him at lights to say how much they like his car, lol.

      I personally find mazda seats more comfortable than Honda, fwiw.

      • Laura B

        I did like driving the manual – that was fun. I was medium about the base model. If I get the Mazda 3, I’ll get the manual in the sports model with the bigger motor.

        Coolness is a factor, and for some reason I hear Honda Civic and I think boring. But the more I read, it appears that this isn’t a fair perception.

        I wish I could do vintage, but I like my heated seats and music streaming way too much for that.

        • Julia

          I don’t know how it works out with all of the options (i.e., whether you can get the options you want with the standard engine), but do test drive the Mazda 3 with the bigger motor before you buy. It might be just me, but I was set on getting the model with the bigger motor until I test drove it and then I immediately thought it was too heavy for the 3.

          • Anonymous

            +1 – I have the CX-5 with a manual (and the smaller 2.5L engine) – and I think the manual transmission makes up for the smaller engine size. You can stay in the lower gear longer to get the power you need (shift at 4000-45000 rpms instead of 3000) and the ride is just as fun.

      • lucy stone

        We have a Mazda 3 with all these options and a manual and love it, but we’re short. I think our next car will be a Mazda 6.

    • rosie

      Subaru WRX? Haven’t shopped for one lately, so cannot say for sure if it has all your features, but I think it probably does or could have as options. If you will never use the AWD, mileage hit might not be worth it. Good legroom in the front seats for taller people.

    • Anonymous

      Honda seems like a great option. My husband loves his Subaru Legacy (which he got fully loaded for 30k); the Impreza is the compact model. Also consider checking out an Elantra.

    • Anonattorney

      I love my Hyundai. It’s just so great. Check out the Sonata or the Elantra. They also have some sportier models – the Veloster and Genesis. They have tons of interior room (fit my 6’6″ DH) and all the perks you want. My in-laws have been leasing Hyundais for years and keep going back because of their reliability.

    • Shopping

      The “new” Beetle supposedly has/had great legroom. Could be that VW is just good at “tall”. You might want to stick with them.

  13. Side hustle

    How do those of you with a side hustle and a day job make it work schedule-wise? No kids, supportive spouse, and pretty good work hours (40 hours/week + travel one week/month) for my day job, but I’m having trouble keeping the balls in the air.

    • Laura B

      I’m clear with my side hustle what my schedule is and am not afraid to say no, can’t do that. In my case, I’m on our city counsel and there’s five of us, so we try to schedule special meetings around all five of us. I’ve had to say a lot that certain times won’t work for me, and I follow up letting them know what will work.

      If your side hustle is project work, set reasonable expectations. Don’t say that you’ll get it done right away if you’re going to stay up until 2 in the morning to finish it – let them know that it’s going to be XX amount of time. Usually people are pretty cool about giving time for things to be completed as long as one doesn’t promise them things right away and then blow by the deadline.

  14. Anonymous

    To the person who posted in the weekend thread about her experience with skin cancer along with a PSA to get checked, thank you! I am also not fair skinned nor a redhead, but I have a mole that has changed and is not symmetrical. I made an appointment with my dermatologist and she was able to see me today. She agreed that the mole looked suspicious and she removed it. It’s probably nothing, but even if it is something I became aware and went to the doctor. Thank you for sharing your message. You may have saved my life.

  15. Anonymous

    Why do people buy costume jewelry like these earrings? I can’t understand $50-100 for something that will tarnish and look bad. Why not just get real gold or sterling silver?

  16. Beans

    Anyone have a good Internet resource for sample legal resumes? I haven’t had an updated resume in 10 years but am exploring other law firms or going in-house. Would like to see some samples.

  17. Anonymous

    I just got off a phone interview where, in the first five minutes, the interviewer asked me “do you have any kids,” and “are they in school?” Based on tone of voice I believe the interviewer’s intentions were from a friendly, getting-to-know-you perspective. Yet, it still bothered me. In the moment I was taken aback and not sure how to respond so I just gave one word answers (yes and yes). But now that the conversation is over I keep coming back to it.
    I was offered a follow-up in-person interview which I would kind of like to decline, but I don’t have any good basis for that other than being irritated by those questions. Am I being irrational? From what I’m reading online any questions about family are illegal but the interviewee should use best judgement about how to respond based on the interviewer’s intent.

    • ezt

      Is the interviewer who asked you these questions someone that you’d be working closely with if you landed the job? If the answer is no, I definitely wouldn’t decline – why let your career choices be determined by some random person? If the answer is yes, I still wouldn’t decline personally, but it’s a little more complicated. On the one hand, since your impression is that they asked without malice (and since you were offered a second round) it actually seems like they might be family-friendly. On the other hand, it shows iffy judgment that such a question could be asked in an interview, and working for unprofessional people (even if or especially if they are nice) can be really challenging. I’d give it a second round to see if the people you meet and the vibe of the place change your gut reaction.

    • Anonymous

      In my experience, questions like this are rarely asked with genuinely good intent in interviews. Even if the tone is friendly and doesn’t sound hostile, they are gathering information. You need to decide if you want to work for a place that, within the first few minutes of an initial screening interview, immediately asks if you have kids and what your childcare responsibilities are. I wouldn’t.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for the responses. The interviewer was the president of a 25 person company. I think that’s why it bothered me – I felt like he should’ve known better. On the other hand, I’m six weeks away from the end of my contract and this is the only interview I’ve had in a month of searching. Trying to balance the growing fear of unemployment against my instinct to walk away.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Did you otherwise like the company? Will this interviewer have any actual power over you?

    • Anon

      I realize it may not be allowed — but come on, he’s human. He likely wanted to know if he’s getting someone who is committed or someone on mommy track. I realize this site doesn’t like that but it’s a legit concern for the person who owns a small company and may not be able to plug people in if it turns out you’re constantly taking time to go eat lunch with your kid and go on field trips. And if it bothers you THAT much, then chance it — don’t do the 2nd round and hope something better comes along.

      • What

        Hi there, Anon at 5:01– that’s illegal, and you’re a jerk. “Someone who is committed or someone on mommy track?” You realize, don’t you, that most parents don’t go eat lunch with their kids in the middle of the workday? That most parents don’t go on field trips? Or, if they do, they use a personal day– you know, the same personal days you might use to get a haircut or take a long weekend? I hope you have no hiring power in your workplace, and if you do, I hope someone reports you. You are what is wrong with America, and you are why women have to work so hard to overcome horrible stereotypes. Congrats.

        • anonymous

          Of course it’s reasonable for employers to want to filter out people who aren’t committed or whom they think may not do a great job, but to use motherhood as proxy for that is lazy and beyond excusable. People can be not around as much for a whole host of reasons, but it’s just easy to pick on mothers. Not okay.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, people on this s!te tend not to like blatant sexism and discrimination.

      • Anonymous

        What?? Parents don’t “constantly take time off.” I don’t know anyone who eats lunch with their kid. I do know some parents who have chaperoned the occasional field trip, but they take a vacation day to do so. People who don’t have kids take the odd vacation day here and there too, you know. Yes, parents have a life outside the office, but so do almost all employees. And by the way, do you apply the same standards to dads? Or are they not allowed to chaperone field trips? You’re disgusting.

        • Ellen

          Yay Kat! I am sorry to be late again to the thread. Mom’s bunion’s are giving her issue’s and we may need to go back to the foot doctor. As for the OP’s, I think both side’s are right and wrong at the SAME time. I do think that peeople need to be able to bring up their kid’s, and I also think that others should be given time off in order to see if they can find husband’s so that they can have kid’s also. Clearly, the woman who is getting bashed is not dateing any one and is along way from haveing kid’s. She need’s time off to find a man to MARRY (like me). On the other hand, the women with familie’s SHOULD be abel to take it easier b/c they have HUSBAND’s that work hard all day, so they can focus on the children. This is where I want to be. So you see, you can have it all, as long as you find a man to support the family, and give us time to take care of the kid’s (with nanny’s help, of course). YAY!!!

      • anon

        Why yes, anon at 5:01, it *is* a struggle to get on my 6 year old’s calendar for those weekday lunch dates. Sometimes it’s just more efficient to eat at my desk, goshdarnit!

        Please please pleaseeeeeeeeee tell me that you regularly ask your male colleagues if they’re planning on coming back to work after the baby is born when their wives are pregnant.

      • Anon

        Don’t see why everyone is jumping all over me AS IF you have NEVER known a woman who had kids and phoned it in and used the mommy excuse every chance she got; or got married and decided her investment banker/atty husband could provide and thus she didn’t have to try so hard or be so available at work any more.

        Give me a break — I know dozens of women from law school and my biglaw firm on this trajectory. Yeah it’d be nice if every woman could be seen as an individual but that’s just not where society is at bc many of us HAVE been burned by women of the above varieties. So of course some women and MANY men look out for this when hiring. Should you ask directly – no. Should you try to find out indirectly and play it into your decision — if you can, yes.

        • anon

          I honestly think you made a valid point. Parents (male and female) at my firm (finance) ARE constantly taking time off, asking for special considerations, and not being available for last minute travel like the rest of us have to be. Your level of commitment to “drop anything, at any time” goes down when you have kids. This applies to men as well as women. Having kids is a choice to make a significant investment in your life outside of work. You aren’t entitled to have kids, and you aren’t entitled to expect that the world is going to rally around your choice. As a result of that choice, your availability for work at all times is going to go down. Until we move away from the “all work, all the time” mentality, where every employee is on call 24/7, we aren’t going to get to a place where the questions around having kids don’t matter. I think at a smaller company, it makes even more sense for these questions to come up. They just don’t have the slack to account for someone not contributing at that pace. Perhaps the interviewer asks questions like this of male new hires as well. We don’t know.

      • Shopping

        The interviewer/company president might have been thinking of the mommy track. Illegal to hire based on your answers to those questions, and he shouldn’t have asked them, but he did, and you answered. I’d try to find out what he meant by them/how the info will shape his opinion of what role you’d play at the company. Maybe he wants someone who doesn’t mind being dead-ended at work because she’s so invested in your kids. Knowing that could make a huge difference in whether you want the job. I’d ask him straight-up how other mothers of children have done at the company, tell him the path you’d like to take (if he doesn’t ask the where-do-you-see-yourself-in-X-years question), and then ask him how feasible that is.

  18. Dagne Dover?

    Are they worth it? I love my OMG, but looking for something a little more polished- does anyone have/love the 13 or 15 inch totes or Charlie tote? Is there a slide pocked for putting over the handle of a carryon rollaboard?

    • Anonymous

      I have the 15″ tote as my laptop bag and there is no slide pocket, but I do regularly loop the handles over the handle of a rollaboard. It sits pretty squarely.

    • JEB

      I’m not really happy with mine. It doesn’t look as nice as I’d hoped in person (I have the oxblood color). I definitely wouldn’t call it polished. I got the 13 inch specifically because the straps are supposed to fold down, but they only fold down 1/3 of the way, meaning they stick straight out. And it’s a really heavy bag!

  19. Anon

    Ever have a friend situation where you had a bit of a falling out with a friend and then a few yrs later reached out? How did it go?

    Long story — had a friend who was one of my closest friends for 6-7 yrs. We met at work but she left the company after 2 yrs and for the next 4 after that we were real friends, not just ex-coworkers — i.e. meeting up for dinner several times a month; shopping; laughing until we cried etc. Then it happened that my company (her former company) hit a rough patch and it looked like layoffs were going to happen. I was so burnt out at that point of the 100 hr/wk life that I decided that I could afford to restructure my career in a new direction and wait for the right opportunity, not just jump ship to the competitor and work 100 hrs/wk there. My friend OTOH thought (and told me CONSTANTLY) that was a terrible idea, if I didn’t have a job I’d never get one. I decided not to talk to her about it, but she would bring it up EVERY time she saw me and talk about it at length almost gleefully and point out — well you’re not getting interviews etc. It’s like it justified her decision to leave when she did — even though she left bc she wasn’t getting along with her bosses. I then started becoming less available etc. and a much as I would say — let’s not talk about work stuff/I’d rather not do this — the convo NEVER stopped. Last time we saw each other was a few yrs ago at a friend’s baby shower and it was totally awkward bc with me not talking about work, she didn’t have anything to say after all those yrs.

    Thing is — I now find myself missing her — given that I didn’t have many friends to start with. But I also feel like — what’s the point of reaching out — I moved several hundred miles away for a new job so do I really want another email pen pal; plus will I ever trust someone who seemed happy that things weren’t going well for me? Would you shoot her a hello email? Or let it go completely?

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