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Updated: Nov 10, 2020 133 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Madeline Boots

Coffee Break

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Readers always sing the praises of Vionic for comfortable heels and shoes, and I love the look of these cute booties, exclusive to Zappos.

(Interestingly, I think just the pictured color is exclusive to Zappos — Amazon has a few colors (wide options also!) for $39-$55; DSW has some options in beige and brown for $49; Shoemall has them in black leather for $179; and QVC has a few color options in lucky sizes for $179.)

I like that they're water resistant, feature a cushioned and contoured footbed (that is removable if you want to swap it out for orthotics), as well as the deep heel cup. They look really comfortable and cute.

The pictured option is available in regular and wide sizes 5-12 for $169.

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Psst: A lot of readers have asked for better coverage of wide sizes, so we've started a widget to collect a lot of great options — see below! As we mentioned above, though, note that the pictured boot is available in wide sizes at Amazon and Zappos.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Anon

    Did anyone see the new statue of Mary Wollstonecraft that portrays her as a tiny, skinny naked woman with perky breasts? I’m honestly really disappointed. Wollstonecraft was an absolutely groundbreaking philosopher and feminist and I simply cannot imagine any male figures being “honored” in this way (are there any statues of Shakespeare with his d*ck out?). I’ve been feeling down lately about the misogyny in our present-day lives and every time I see something like this, I just feel sad that women don’t often get to be honored for their intellectual contributions without being sexualized. It doesn’t make a difference to me that the sculptor is a woman. Not looking for advice but just wanted to vent for a second.

    https://www.theguardian.com/books/2020/nov/10/mary-wollstonecraft-finally-honoured-with-statue-after-200-years

    • Monday

      Woof. Even if everything about the sculpture is accurate (dubious)–why is she naked???? I’m surprised that the article didn’t acknowledge this particular objection. It presented the “controversy” as being over the sculpture’s depicting a woman. I agree on sculptures of men. They always have their clothes on.

    • ara

      So one detail, that honestly may or may not help here, is it is supposed to be a sculpture dedicated TO Mary Wollstonecraft, not a sculpture of her It’s supposed to be about how she “really saw every woman”, and something about clothes covering the real woman underneath. Or something.

    • BB

      Not saying there aren’t problems with using a nude woman as a celebration of feminism, but I think you missed the point that the woman at the top is not Mary. It’s supposed to be an “everywoman,” so I think the point of the statue is that she’s raising up all women.

      • Anon

        You’re right, I did misread that. However, the actual interpretation is even worse to me…

      • anon

        It makes even less sense as an everywoman, honestly, because that is nowhere close to average or typical.

    • Anonymous

      Ugh, I don’t like that either. I would have preferred to see a statue of her writing or speaking out (while fully clothed – why do we have to say this?).

      • No Face

        Right? Why would a statue honoring her show a skinny perky naked bod instead of her?

        • Anonymous

          Like we don’t have enough images of skinny naked female bodies in society already.

    • Anon

      Oh come on! Who would ever look at a statue of a woman with clothing on? /s

      The male gaze is alive and well.

      • Anonymous

        “The writer Caitlin Moran tweeted: “Imagine if there was a statue of a hot young naked guy ‘in tribute’ to eg Churchill. It would look mad. This, also, looks mad.”

        Truth.

        • Monday

          Thanks for the link, nutella.

          I found the defense of it really lame. For an artist, there should be tons of creative options between a “boring Victorian” style and a svelte naked 20-year-old.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t actually mind this one. I get the criticism, and agree with most of it, but I still don’t mind the art itself.

      I don’t mind the proportions of the sculpture, the silver figure on the top is just part of it. From the vantage point of a passer-by, it seems that the more absctract, but still reminicent of human shapes, part of the sculpture is the main impact, and that you can lift up and look up to the silver figure on top. On the plinth, there’s the quote “I do not wish women to have power over men; but over themselves”, which is an interesting quote in terms of the debate and critisism.

      As “a sculpture of Mary Wollstonecraft” it’s not even close. As a tribute to a feminist hero it’s obviously not successful, and there’s quite a disconnect from the vision for the project. I think it’s quite good to have a big debate about this, and about art in public places. And hopefully somebody *will* comission that dull and dignified bust that can be the symbol of her impact on society.

      But I think I’d quite enjoy seeing this if I passed through the park, if freed by the expectation of it being the one and only sculpture of Mary Wollstonecraft.

      • Anonymous

        It doesn’t have to be a dull bust. I would be happy with a grand, sweeping statue that captures her energy in a passionate and yet respectful way. This current statue isn’t even good art to me. It looks like a cheap figurine you’d find in the window of a sex shop.

        • Anonymous

          Oh, I agree! Grand and passionate would be better. I just think that there should be *more* – including the dull ones.

  2. Senior Attorney

    Oh gosh these booties are so in my wheelhouse. Of course I need another pair like the proverbial hole in the head…

    • Anonymous

      I love them too except I have some odd aversion to tassels. I won’t even let DH have shoes with tassels. Must by some buried childhood trauma.

  3. Anon

    I am raging about how so many GOP leaders are indulging Trump’s baseless claims about the election. Where does this end? Yes, some of Trump’s team is really that delusional. But McConnell and Graham know he’s full of it and yet they indulge him to please their base. Don’t they see how dangerous this is?

    I feel totally helpless and furious. Should we be worried or should we just look the other way and let Trump be Trump, knowing he will be forced to leave office in January?

    • Anonymous

      We should be worried. Just like we were warned back in 2016 by human rights activists who have seen this all before in Russia and other autocratic states, you have to “believe the dictator.” When Trump says he will never concede, we have to believe that. We have to assume that his lackeys, Graham and McConnell, will not do the right thing because they consistently don’t. I am not sure what we can do besides call our representatives and give money to legal organizations fighting for fair elections.

      • Anonymous

        Also, Facebook is allowing disinformation to spread at a rapid clip (like extreme lies and outrageous false statements). I am extremely concerned about their pathetic half-measures to stop it and at how many people already believe that the election was stolen from Trump.

          • Bonnie Kate

            I missed the typo and thought the reply was to emphasize how bad you wanted to slap him, and I cheering “YES SO BAD SO BAD!”

            He has a very want-to-slap-him face.

      • Leatty

        Ditto. I’m concerned they have some trick up their sleeves. I really hope I’m wrong

          • Anon

            I thought electors are party loyalists and faithless electors have generally not voted for the losing candidate (like the elector who voted for Bernie Sanders instead of Clinton in 2016)

        • Anon

          We need to step away from the ledge. Trump’s October surprise that everyone here was stressing about turned out to be Hunter Biden’s laptop.

      • Anon

        I worry to but then I try to remember this is the administration that accidentally scheduled a major press conference at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping, between a crematorium and a d1ldo shop.

        • Flats Only

          Thank you. You are right. I am down off my ledge. But if he never concedes and the transition is obstructed past the electoral college decision I will be glued to the news on election day to see if they have to physically drag him from the White House. Or if it devolves into a gun battle between militias rustled up by the GOP and secret service agents trying to do their duty.

        • Anonymous

          Right? Not only did they do that … but they forged ahead and held it there (surely at some point it became apparent and they couldn’t even conjure up any kind of plan B).

        • Anon

          You know that it wasn’t the high-ranking officials who scheduled that, right? It was someone five levels down.

    • Bonnie Kate

      I was just texting my political group of friends before lunch….I don’t know why I keep letting the Republican party disappoint me.

    • Anon

      I’m so worried. Can any lawyers offer insight about the viability of Trump’s legal challenges?

    • Anon

      I am more worried about faithless electors than I am any of the legal challenges

    • Anon

      I wrote to my senator after that. Not that it will make any difference – one senator is Dianne Feinstein. The other is the Vice President elect of the United States.

  4. Mm

    The JCrew going out blazer is on major sale, to $70. Does the hive still like this one? Is that about as good as the price gets?

      • Anonymous

        Same re. the price. It is the perfect Zoom blazer and the only item of workwear I am currently using.

    • Cat

      I think I got one for a little less than that last year, but I bet the ‘base’ price is higher this year… if you’re eyeing a popular size and color then go ahead and jump on it.

  5. Anon

    Piggybacking off the retirement fund post from last week (I believe the poster was 28 and just starting their 401k). Did anyone cash out their 401k in their twenties to pay off debt and start over? I know, I know…you’re never supposed to do this. But I have read articles explaining when it makes sense and I believe this may fit my situation for my $25k 401k balance. Interested in hearing if anyone has done this and how it worked out for you.

    • Anon

      Would the amount you have left after taxes and penalties (not sure if COVID will waive the penalty) take care of all the debt, and do you have measures/habits in place to not acquire more debt? If the answer to either of these questions is “no”, do not touch your 401(k) balance. Even if the answer is “yes”, think long and hard before doing it. Can you buckle down for a couple of years and knock the debt out?

    • Anon

      I did, but I also solved the underlying problems that led to overspending. It worked for me.

    • Friday

      If you have $25k in your 401(k) you will net about $12k to put toward your debt, as about half of it goes to taxes. Not trying to mansplain, just want to make sure you know this. For this reason alone it would not be something I would choose but interested to hear other responses.

    • Bonnie Kate

      All of the below is written without any knowledge whatsoever about the penalties of cashing out a 401k balance…I’m thinking they’re substantial enough that it would make this not the greatest idea.

      That said – I think this is hard to give advice on without more details about the kinds of debt. Student loans, consumer debt, mortgage, healthcare debt , etc. are all different in the interest rates/payments substantially paying it down. Also motivation should also factor into the decision – can you afford to make payments that are paying the debt down but it means you don’t have enough to support yourself? or your lifestyle? If it’s consumer debt, have you made the lifestyle changes that is going to make this one-time get-out-of-debt card work – or could you end up with that amount of debt again? It’s hard to tell if it’s wise without a lot more details.

    • Anon

      Don’t do this. It doesn’t make any financial sense at all. No one would advise this. Pay your debt on a schedule. If you’re in debt over your head talk to a bankruptcy counselor. Your 401k should be remote from that. But don’t raid your 401k.

    • No Face

      Don’t touch your 401k. Consider posting a question with details about the debt, including the type. If you really, really want to drill down and get rid of it, consider a case study on the Mr. Money Mustache forum.

  6. Legally Brunette

    Do you love the paint color in your master bedroom? If so, tell me what it is! I’m looking for a warm, neutral color. Leaning toward a gray or blue but open to other thoughts. I don’t want anything too dark, something light/medium would be good. Thanks.

    • Ribena

      I have Pavilion Grey from Farrow & Ball. It’s okay but I would love a sunny yellow or sage green.

    • anon

      I just painted my bedroom gray mirage. It’s a warm gray-green. It is very serene.

      I painted a previous bedroom thundercloud gray, which is a cool gray-blue. I also loved it.

    • Anonymous

      We did a soft grey on three walls and one wall (headboard wall) is a really deep eggplant that was painted with a velvet finish (it really looks like velvet). It is such a soothing room.

    • Anonymous

      Valspar puddlerjumper! I have also loved f&b French grey (looks green).

    • InHouse Anon

      I just had my house repainted, and I really love my master bedroom color, Benjamin Moore Paper White (very soft grey). We also have BM Fanfare (very soft blue) in a few rooms. Neither is particularly warm, but they’re both very soft and serene.

    • Anonymous

      Totally not what you asked but I really want to paint mine Farrow and Ball Sulking Room Pink

    • The original Scarlett

      Mystic Lake by Benjamin Moore (dupe for Oval Room Blue by Farrow and Ball) – I adore it and it works w a ton of different accent colors

  7. Anon Boss

    Regular poster but going anon for this because it feels wrong to speak about “publicly”, even if it’s through a handle.

    I have a direct report whose adult daughter attempted suicide last week. My direct report left in the middle of the day as soon as she heard, didn’t come in the next day (emailed to let us know) and got back yesterday. I wasn’t in the office most of yesterday. She’s an awesome employee and fairly reserved normally and has only worked here for a few months, so I’m not surprised that she’s buckled down and hasn’t said anything. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through. My question is- I don’t say anything either, right? I follow her lead and respect her privacy? Or would you say something supportively vague in private and leave it at that? Another person in our leadership team who she also supports let her know that she is fully supported to take more days off if she needs, so that is covered. I don’t want to appear insensitive, but at this point I feel like I’d be saying something more for myself to feel better and not for her, and that is definitely wrong.

    • Vicky Austin

      This is a tough one. I would normally say “do the positive” and encourage you to comfort her, but since your colleague has already covered the important question of more needed time, I would follow your employee’s lead. She may not be up to discussing it with acquaintances yet; I certainly wouldn’t be.

      • Anon

        No, I don’t agree. She’s not going to bring it up with her boss. It’s not like OP needs to delve into it, but the onus to ask for acknowledgement or support shouldn’t be on the employee.

    • Anon

      If I were her, I think I’d want short and vaguely supportive over nothing at all.

    • anon

      Do you assign her work? If so, perhaps privately let her know that you’re available and supportive if she needs you to temporarily reassign/pick up any work as she sorts things out at home.

      The ability to take time off and feeling like you can do so without hurting your career / getting terribly behind are two different things.

    • Anon

      You clearly know, staying silent is much weirder to me. Just say something vaguely supportive in private (don’t get too specific, maybe something along the lines of “hey, I know you might be going through a hard time right now, so let me know if you need anything, including some time off to address your needs) and echo what the other person on your leadership team said – it is not “covered” just because someone else said it if she is also your direct report.

    • Anon

      If I were in her situation, I would appreciate an echo from you with the same supportive message as the other person. Something like, “I know M already let you know that you can take whatever additional time you need, please know that I full support this as well. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you during this time.” I wouldn’t want to take a few days off but worry that the other leader (you) wasn’t thrilled about it. I have anxiety though.

      • Anon

        I personally appreciated messages of this kind when I was facing a family tragedy. I did not want to talk about it, but I remember the expressions of support.

        • Anon

          Same. When I was at my last job, a close family member died. I took a week of bereavement to travel for the funeral. When I got back, no one said a word to me, including my boss. They acted as if it didn’t happen, and it hurt.

          • Anonymous

            Keep in mind that not everyone is the same. I actually felt very uncomfortable when people at work mentioned my dad dying when I returned. Work was my one place where I could escape and not have that be a focus. I also really did not like being put on the spot to try not to look emotional in a professional setting. Over and over. At a prior place of employment, I was actually in full on rage when a coworker mentioned hearing how my dad had been diagnosed with a terminal illness in front of others. (Our husbands worked together at a very small company. I had hoped to keep that info private, so again, I didn’t have to be forced to be in conversations on something that was very emotional and personal to me.) I actually broke into tears and was tremendously embarrassed.

            It’s better to err on the side of respecting boundaries sometimes. In this instance, a short note via email echoing support for more time off should suffice. Email it. Do not force someone grieving into a face to face in a workplace setting, especially if you are in the manager role.

          • Anon

            I felt like the anons at 3:33 and 3:36. I lost my child to cancer and I know people were afraid of upsetting me at work, but I also knew they were talking about me behind my back.

            For those of you who don’t know what to say in situations like this, “I’m so sorry” is a complete sentence and is absolutely a fine sentiment to express. Other things like “it seems so unfair now.” But the typical American spin about how it’s actually a good thing – examples, “it’s God’s will” or “she is in a better place now” – you need to keep to yourself.

        • Anon

          I very much remember people who did not say anything, and not in a kind light.

      • anon

        I’d want this, too. I’m also an anxious person and just hearing a message to know that being away was “okay” would reduce stress. You’d think that employees wouldn’t need to hear that straight from their managers’ mouths because it’s basic human decency, but I have actually worked for a truly awful person who did not support me and did not think it was “okay” for me take time off after a death in my family.

    • Anon

      I’ve had a few of my direct reports go through tragedies. One emailed ahead of time and said they wanted work to be their “safe space” where they did not have to talk about it and deal with pitying looks. I passed that info around before he returned. For another, I emailed her that morning and said I cared how she was doing but hadn’t asked in case she didn’t want to talk about it. I said I was here if she wanted to talk or needed anything work wise but that I was otherwise going to respect her privacy and not bring it up. A third employee basically called a meeting themselves and said “I only want to talk about this once. Here is what happened. Here’s how I’m doing. Thanks for all of your concern. Bye.”

      I like the idea of reaching out, but not face to face, and letting her choose whether to discuss or not.

    • all about eevee

      When I lost my grandfather to suicide in 2018, my manager made a donation in his name to a nonprofit I really liked. The nonprofit sent me a note letting me know about the gift. I still think about this gesture all the time. I think you should do something similar here – call up a nonprofit, do an honorarium for the daughter, and ask that your report receive a card in the mail.

      • all about eevee

        Also, no one said anything to me. She kept it totally privately. She never mentioned the gift and I never brought it up.

      • Anonymous

        Daughter attempted suicide. I’d tread carefully. Donations in someone’s name can come across too much like a death.

    • Anon Boss

      Thanks all for the kick in the butt – I’ll say something privately before she leaves for the day.

    • NYNY

      I would definitely say something. It may be awkward, but just letting her know that you’re there to support her in whatever capacity she needs is important. You can follow her lead in the conversation, so if she doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s fine and you’ll respect the boundary, but if she does want to, you’re present and supportive.

      When my mother died very suddenly this spring, my boss was stellar. He told me “take all the time you need, we will figure out what to do without you, you are always here for the team, but this is your time to be selfish.” When I came back, he checked in again from time to time to see how I was and reiterate that I could take additional time if needed, and he was there to talk if I needed that. It was such a relief to me, even though we haven’t spoken that intimately in the past. It meant I wasn’t worried about how my personal tragedy was impacting my work or career.

      • NYNY

        Also, if you work for a large company, there may be additional support resources available to her, which you could point her towards. No pressure to use them, but just making sure she’s aware.

    • Trixie

      I suggest writing a brief and appropriate condolence card, and leaving it on a desk/cubicle/mail box. It is impolite to say nothing, IMHO, and an email is too business-y, and she seems to want to not talk about it. Just leave her a note, and carry on.

    • anon

      You know, at the end of the day, we are first and foremost people, not employees, reports, bosses. I had several people going through difficult times, everyone is different. But I don’t see how sending a text or calling in private saying “hey, I heard what’s going on, so sorry, what can I do to make it easier for you”, then listen, propose reshuffling projects, postpone deadlines, give time off. Ask if it is ok to reach out to check on him/her. Give gentle headsup to impacted people (eg project x will be postponed, in case of questions, come to me and not to employee x). When I was going through some tough times, I appreciated my boss sending a text, giving me space and not pretending there is no life outside of work.

  8. Anon

    To the poster with the difficult to manage employee that you can’t fire: I had been commiserating with you re: my employee that I was having to majorly micromanage to get anything done, especially correctly. Said employee has found another job and given notice!!! I’m so freaking excited though terrified of all of the stuff we are going to discover that was either not done or done wrong. I never though this person would leave on their own terms. I hope you end up with a similar result.

  9. Guessing game

    Who do you think will replace Harris in the Senate?

    And also cabinet picks? My guess is that some of the likely contenders (part of the large pack running originally) hate each other or won’t take anything but the top few spots or aren’t confirmable (Sanders for anything). But there may be some real grownups in the room.

    My one guess — Michele Flournoy as Secretary of Defense (but if not her, who?)

      • Anon

        I think we need Schiff where he is. I would really like to see Barbara Lee finally ascend to the senate for the end of her career but worry she wouldn’t get re-elected. She is my rep and she is truly one of the hardest working politicians I have ever interacted with.

        And if I recall correctly, she was the lone vote against the fake weapons of mass destruction war, which people hated her for at the time, but look who turned out to be right.

        Anyway, Barbara Lee speaks for me!

        • Anonymous

          Barbara Lee spoke for me too…but she’s 74 and the last thing we need is to further entrench the gerontocracy. Maybe Becerra or Padilla?

    • LaurenB

      I want Buttigieg in there somewhere! I actually think he’d make an awesome chief of staff but there are so many places he could shine … veterans, state department …

      I’d love to see some kind of “chief technology officer” post created with Yang.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t want any Silicon Valley entrepreneurs in that position. We need someone like Warren who will actually challenge them on their BS.

        • LaurenB

          I want all the senators to stay in place. I don’t want any of them elevated unless it’s 100% guaranteed there will be a D replacement.

      • A.

        I went to Middle School with Pete and we had mutual close family friends. I’ve thought the same re: Chief of Staff! He’d be perfect for that job. The only downside is he doesn’t have that many existing relationships on Capitol Hill, but Biden does so maybe it actually works out as a balance.

    • Anon

      I’d like to see the senators stay in the senate and have cabinet positions go to people with more experience in those areas. This is partially to avoid having to replace them in states with republican governors or potentially tight elections, but I’d also rather the positions be less overtly political. Flournoy is good, for example.

      As a Californian, I don’t really like the idea that my next senator is getting chosen for me, potentially for decades, so I’d be okay with an older caretaker pick. Alternatively, I want someone young, because I’m sick of the gerontocracy! Democrats really need to build up the next generation, and thinking about how to do that effectively should play a role in these picks.

      • Anon

        As a medium-old I get frustrated with young progressives wanting the top positions RIGHT NOW. Start with local office. Move to the house of reps and build some strength in numbers there. Then that coalition can support some runs at senate seats and then maybe the presidency. This takes years. The impatience is just a losing strategy. You can’t win votes without the middle.

  10. Anon

    Favorite one-bowl / quick cake recipes? We are eating more cake lately DON’T JUDGE ME and I’m kinda tired of cleaning up all the bowls after baking. I have a scale so I would be fine with something that, say, has you mix things sequentially, stopping to add one ingredient at a time. I like chocolate, but I’m in the minority. We have vanilla/spice/strawberry lovers in the house too.

    • BB

      King Arthur Flour original chocolate cake! Takes literally 10 minutes or less to put together and makes a perfectly moist chocolate cake. Sub milk for water if you’re not dairy-free, and add extra melted chocolate and/or chocolate chips for extra chocolate-y-ness!

    • Anonymous

      I turn a lot of cake recipes into one-bowl recipes by dumping ingredients in sequentially instead of mixing groups of ingredients together before adding them. It usually works out fine.

    • anon

      Pound cake! This is a recipe my mom has been using since before I was born, and it is delicious.

      1/2 c Crisco (butter flavor if available)
      1 stick butter
      3 c sugar
      3 c cake flour
      5 eggs
      1 c milk
      1 TB vanilla
      1/2 tsp baking powder
      1/2 tsp salt

      Let butter, eggs and milk warm to room temperature. Cream butter, Crisco, and sugar. Add eggs one at a time and beat after each. Mix baking powder and salt with flour. Add flour mixture alternating with milk while mixing. Add vanilla and mix. Pour into a greased and floured bundt pan and bake at 325 for 1 – 1 1/2 hours (or bake longer at 300) until toothpick comes out clean.

      • Anon

        It sounds wonderful but this is exactly the multiple bowls and dishes thing I’m trying to get away from. Have you ever tried it just adding all the ingredients sequentially to one bowl?

        • Anon

          For most cakes, it’s important that the wet ingredients get mixed well, especially if it’s a cake with butter that needs to be creamed with the sugar. For simple cakes, you can usually get away with adding the rest of the ingredients after that. You just need to be sure that the ingredients get well distributed (no pockets of salt or baking powder) without over mixing the wet and dry ingredients, which will make the cake tough. This is easier to do if you mix the dry ingredients together first, but you can do a decent job if you sprinkle the salt and baking powder over the bowl (do this and anything else added in small amounts before you add the flour). Anything clumped you should make sure to get the lumps out of first or you’ll have a big mess- this probably will require another bowl.

    • Anon

      This vintage cake is one of my faves. It’s called “Wowie Cake” in the vintage cookbook I found it in, but it has many names. It’s supposedly a depression era recipe since it doesn’t call for milk or eggs.

      1 cup sugar
      1/2 tsp salt
      1 tsp baking soda
      1 1/2 cups flour
      1/4 cup cocoa

      1/3 cup oil
      1 cup water
      1 tbsp vinegar
      1 tsp vanilla

      Combine dry. Add wet. Pour into sprayed 8×8 pan. Bake 30-35 minutes at 350. Voila!

    • Jeffiner

      Hershey’s Perfectly Chocolate chocolate cake is one bowl. Its also the only chocolate cake the non-chocolate lovers in my house like.

    • Coach Laura

      I bake a lot from scratch but I love making Pumpkin Spice Two Ingredient Pumpkin bread. It’s called bread but I think it’s cake and would be great with cream cheese frosting. Use a box of spice cake mix (Duncan Hines or similar) and one full can of plain pumpkin. Mix together, put in loaf pan and bake. 350 degrees, 40 minutes for loaf pan or 18-20 minutes for muffins.

      I can’t eat gluten so I used Namaste’s gluten free spice cake mix (13 ounces) and the can of pumpkin plus two eggs because gluten free baking can be tricky without the gluten protein to hold things together. Cooked it in a Bundt pan, can’t remember how long but try 40 minutes and test with a toothpick. It was fabulous.

  11. Dealing with Chronic Pain

    Please give me your advice. I live alone, and I have been unable to care well for myself since late August due to a stress injury that is not going away. I have seen multiple doctors, a PT, etc. They basically pat me on the head and tell me that I need to be patient and let my body heal itself. I am taking painkillers around the clock. Working at my desk is most painful but if I take any time off during this crazy period I worry about losing my job (I work in Biglaw).

    I have been a fit person all my life, and I am starting to think that I will never be pain-free again. I cannot cook for myself so I am eating microwaved stuff all the time off paper plates, and it is painful to dress, bathe, drive, even wash my hands. Everything hurts, even the PT exercises.

    • Anon

      Where I live, complementary/integrative pain management is popular. I personally would be willing to try a lot of less evidence based things at least once to address pain (placebo effect works for me, so long as it feels better). For example, I tried acupuncture when I had undiagnosed nerve pain and was stuck on a waitlist to see a neurologist. I don’t know if you have time for something like acupuncture, but there may be other things out there (including less wooy things that your insurance may be willing to cover, like osteopathy).

    • Anon

      You don’t say what kind of pain you have. Is it hand or arm pain? Have you tried antidepressants or anti seizure drugs or other centrally acting medications? Does heat or general exercise, like walking or yoga help? I’ve spent years dealing with chronic pain, so I know how much it sucks. The hard answer is that you might really need to take some time off, but I understand how tough that is, so try as many work arounds as you can to make it easier on yourself while still working. Can you get dictation software so you don’t have to type, if that’s a problem?

      • Anon

        Also, getting enough sleep and doing what you can to reduce stress is huge. Again, I know it’s hard when you’re in pain all the time, but treat yourself as kindly as possible during this difficult time. If you do have hand pain, I’ve found arthritis gloves to be helpful. If nothing else, they keep my hands warm and I think the compression helps. Make sure you have good ergonomics too. Just a few inches difference in chair height can make a huge difference.

      • Anonymous

        Antidepressants (zoloft and wellbutrin, to be specific) were gamechangers for my chronic back pain. They fixed what 5 years of PT couldn’t.

    • Flats Only

      Not sure what part of your body is hurting, but can you adjust your work position for better comfort? Reclining? Standing? When my husband was recovering from an injury the rehab department he was in had occupational therapists who helped each patient individually find ways to do things, based on their own injuries and needs. Something like that might be good to help you find a more comfortable way to work.

      Also can you hire some help around the house? The same agencies that send someone to look after grandma at home will also happily send someone to help you. They can do everything from helping you get up/bathed/dressed to tidying (not deep cleaning) and preparing meals so you can eat something healthier. You probably don’t need someone all day, but even a couple of hours every morning would help you with the stuff that hurts so you get more rest and have a chance to heal faster. And you’ll feel cared for and less alone, so less despondent.

    • Anonymous

      If true rest isn’t an option, can you throw some money at this? You didn’t indicate where the injury is, but is there some modification you can try with desk set-up? (Like if it’s a wrist injury would a standing desk be worth a try? If it’s an an ankle or back issue, would a lap desk while reclining on your bed be worth a try?) Can you order in some nutritious meals from a nearby restaurant or home delivery service so you can change up the microwave? If bathing is too painful, would a hand-held shower attachment help? I once had a very difficult recovery and found that stress and being tired made the pain worse. I know you said you couldn’t take any time off. I don’t know the demands, but can you try to set some temporary boundaries on work for at least the next few weeks? Like “Until X date, I will commit to closing my laptop at X p.m. to get Y hours of sleep.” Even if you can only swing this for a bit, it can make a big difference in how you feel physically and mentally. It won’t always be this way. Next, talk to the PT and see if there are modifications you can try. Can you do visits by zoom so you don’t have to drive? Anywhere you’re driving now, I’d try to find work arounds. Talk to your MD and point out the concrete ways you are having difficulty caring for yourself and what “normal” progress should start to look so you can assess options (maybe it’s pausing PT temporarily–this actually helped me after brutal tennis elbow–turns out the PT was making it worse, maybe it’s changing pain approach if nothing changes in X time, maybe it’s an X-Ray to see if there is something going on other than the stress fracture). Advocate for yourself like you would do for a friend. And be kind to yourself even in the smallest ways. If ever there were a time, now is when you buy the fancy hand soap so agony of handwashing is more pleasant, buy extra socks (the good kind!) so you’re not doing laundry and cozier, etc. etc. If it weren’t COVID times, I’d suggest having someone come in to take care of dishes and cleaning. Absent that, buy the “nicer” paper plates and throw out without a second thought. This is like war and you need to reserve your energy for what’s most important.

    • Anon

      Honestly, I think your best bet is to follow your doctors’ advice. Take time off so that this doesn’t turn into a lifelong problem.

    • Jess

      I think you really need to push back against the idea you can’t take time off. Now is the time to take time off, rather than later when you might not be healed completely and might also be burned out from doing it all. Get a doctor’s note of temporary disability and see what you can work out, even if it means going part time. Talk about it in terms of a temporary disability. Also, can you dramatically increase the amount of dictation you’re doing and ask the firm to arrange with clerical workers to turn it around more quickly?

      Fight your insurance to bring in hired help and/or pay for cleaners/housekeeper and/or reach out to request help from your church/neighbors if you can.

      Buy really yummy microwavable meals or have a housekeeper prepare meals you can reheat.

      Maybe see a pain management specialist so you get the best advice re: painkillers. There are ways of timing your OTC painkillers to reduce the amount of opiates required to bring down your pain. A specialist could also do different in office procedures like blocks (if applicable).

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have any advice on the chronic pain prong, but do you have any friends that you might be willing to bring into your pod? I also live alone (and am quarantining well) and would happily cook, clean up, or drive for a friend going through this so that she didn’t have to eat Amy’s microwaved meals on paper 7 days a week. It may not be a daily occurrence, but if you have friends you can lean on, reaching out might make some of the other issues (which are definitely significant – not minimizing that) a little easier to bear.

      And I get the work prong — I am a biglaw partner and know how difficult it is to ask for time off, but my firm at least is treating this as extraordinary times and begging partners to be considerate of our associates and staff so that we are not making life unnecessarily hard.

    • Anon

      You sound tired. Can you hire someone to come cook for you? When going through a somewhat similar period I was able to find a SAHM neighbor to help with chores. She came for a few hours a week and spruced things up, folded laundry and cooked. It was such a relief.

    • Ellen

      Hugs, but you will get there. You are seeing and doing the right things. Plus, you have reached out to us, as many of us have faced similar issues. Time heals, so bear with it!

  12. disaster

    To anyone who needs this today – I am involved in professional assessment on transfers and many of the students cried during the mock practical exam. Like I would guess at least a third cried (or arrived after crying) and another third have cried so far during feedback.

    We don’t have much time to discuss this with them but basically this is a hard time in many people’s lives and I feel nothing but bad for all of these stressed out people. It is going to be okay and doing badly on a mock practical exam is not the worst thing that is going to happen to you in life. I did similar assessments eight years ago and probably cried then and I’m still alive today. It will be okay. Breathe and carry on.

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