Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Cozy Ribbed Dolman-Sleeve Jumpsuit
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I swore it would never happen to me, but I have become a jumpsuit person since WFH started. They’re easy to throw on, and they feel like pajamas but look great on videoconferences. This burnt orange version from Banana Republic has a super flattering tie waist, and the fabric looks like it’s the perfect blend of stretch and drape.
If I were wearing this outside the house, I’d probably wear it with my beloved Comme des Garçons Play sneakers or chunky Air Force 1s. (Not only am I a Jumpsuit Person, I’m also a sneakerhead now. 2021 is getting weird.)
The jumpsuit is $83.99 (marked down from $120) at Banana Republic and comes in sizes XXS–XXL. It's also available in black.
Eloquii has a jumpsuit in a very similar color for $119.95 in sizes 14/16–26/28.
Sales of note for 1/31/25:
- Ann Taylor – Suiting Event – 30% off suiting + 30% off tops
- Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20 off your $100+ purchase
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off winter layers
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off sweaters and pants
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – End of season clearance, extra 70% off markdown tops + extra 60% off all other markdowns
Sales of note for 1/31/25:
- Ann Taylor – Suiting Event – 30% off suiting + 30% off tops
- Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20 off your $100+ purchase
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off winter layers
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off sweaters and pants
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – End of season clearance, extra 70% off markdown tops + extra 60% off all other markdowns
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
I’m looking to add additional shades to our east-facing window this summer to block out the sun in the morning.
Current window treatments are standard blinds, but they are not light blocking. Has anyone tried the DIY solutions that you cut to size and stick to the top of the window frame?
Any recs?
If you have the cash and are particular, I would get real blackout blinds installed by a pro. If you want to go self install, I did cellular cordless blinds at Lowes and the results were pretty decent, although they are in the garage, so I wasn’t super picky. I had them installed inside the trim. I want to say they were Allen+ Roth but could be misremembering. Other easy DIY solution is blackout curtains.
I’m assuming curtains aren’t an option for some reason?
I’d have to look into the specific setup. One of the issues is that one wall has 4 windows next to each other, and 2 curtain rods may look very strange.
Perhaps configuration-dependent, but you can usually install one long curtain rod with supports between the windows, and just space the curtains along it.
We got blackout shades from blinds.com (Blackout Cellular Shades) and they were easy to install ourselves and a decent price.
We used SelectBlinds for custom sized roman shades and they likewise were easy to install ourselves for pretty cheap. You can opt for varying degrees of light filtering for the shades and decide on inside or outside mount. A lot of influencers use them on social media, so you can probably search around to get views of the shades in context.
I’ll second this recommendation. I used them for roman shades and really liked them.
I have some odd sized windows and ordered customized cellular cordless blinds for those. They were very easy to install and look great. You can get them with varying degrees of light blocking. I have one east-facing room with the blackout option for temperature control and it works well.
I had the amazon black cut and stick blinds on my kids room window as a stopgap solution that lasted about 2.5 years before I managed to get “real” shades from Home Depot professionally installed in all windows. The black paper-like cut and stick blinds worked great, completely blocked out the light and kept my kids in their beds longer so it completely met my need.
Can I just say that my most favorite thing so far this week is Dolly Parton getting vaccinated (and I could stop the sentence right there but will also note…) … in a cold-shoulder sweater that allows for PERFECT jab access! Brava!
Aha! Finally a use for the “cold shoulder” top!
Saint Dolly can do no wrong.
She’s a national treasure.
Co-sign 100%.
Some of these well-known, already beloved female figures for their careers are actually really great people at heart. Dolly Parton has funded the vaccine and encouraged uptake, J. K. Rowling is the world’s first billionaire author who became a millionaire because she gave so much away to charity (and she came from poverty), there are countless other lesser known women in STEM who are doing so much for research right now… if there’s anything this year has taught me, it’s that women kick *ss – just in time for Women’s History Month!
Let’s not include JKR in that anymore. I wish she wasn’t so comfortable letting her ‘gender critical’ flag fly, but there we are.
You don’t think she’s awesome for what she did with her wealth? We’ll have to agree to disagree. I understand that many disagree with her views but personally I did read her infamous essay and found it to be way more nuanced than I had been led to believe. My overall point was just that a lot of the most famous female entertainers or public figures are really great people – we don’t have to agree on the exact list.
Okay, let’s just not with this.
All about eve, why not just collapse the thread and skip the drama? You’re the only one making this into a thing.
Three commenters expressed dismay that 9:48 brought up JKR. JKR and WHM had nothing to do with the Dolly vaccine shoutout. We don’t have to collapse the thread when someone is trying to hijack the day’s conversation
I don’t understand why a fun uplifting post about Dolly Parton getting her vaccine needs to become a TERF-y pro-JK Rowling post. There’s no reason to bring up JKR except just to start some drama. I am “making this into a thing”, yes, because I am tired of the transphobia.
You are reading wayyyyyyy too much into this.
I will disagree with the other posters. I think it’s so great that JKR gave away so much of her wealth. We can admire some things about her even if it’s not everything. I feel that way about many famous people (like their movies, don’t like their views or that they cheated on their wife or whatever, but that’s ok)
Interesting you mention JK Rowling when she’s hugely controversial and has made statements many find hugely offensive. This was about Dolly and vaccines – just a suggestion to people not to feed the Terf troll
+1. Male celebrities < female celebrities.
Also, forgot to mention that Taylor Swift called out people for not wearing masks, which I think was great – she has enough reach, especially among young people, that it might have actually made a difference.
Lordy, here we go. Someone is on here talking about JK Rowling.
Read the essay:
https://www.jkrowling.com/opinions/j-k-rowling-writes-about-her-reasons-for-speaking-out-on-sex-and-gender-issues/
It really is more nuanced than the media portrays it as.
Yes, we know, eevee. You have signaled your virtue all over this thread. You’re seen.
Yes, we know, eevee. You have signaled your virtue all over this thread. You’re seen.
Am I the only person who thought of Dolly Parton as just some old-timey country singer known for her ooh-la-la figure and over-the-top makeup, and didn’t realize all the apparent good she does for people? (I may very well be.)
She’s also very talented, not just as a singer but as a composer
She is amazing as a composer, and so prolific.
She composed/wrote “Jolene” and “I will always love you” on the same day!
The podcast “Dolly Parton’s America” was quite good.
yeah, I didn’t know more about her than you, LaurenB, but that podcast miniseries was super fun and insightful.
You might be! There’s been extensive Dolly scholarship and conversations in the media for the last……decade? In large part as an attempt to reverse the exact dismissal that you articulated. She is a hugely influential musician in an important genre of American music, even setting aside her extensive philanthropy + community development work in Tennessee.
(brb going to listen to Jolene, one of the best songs ever written)
My assistant’s name is Jolene and she collects versions of that song, of which there are many great ones. I especially love this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYCoyUxY2HY&ab_channel=PTXofficial
Don’t forget her wigs!
She once said that it took a lot of $ to look that cheap. I love her.
There’s a good documentary about her career and all the work she’s done both in music and out on Netflix if you are interested. She talks about some of her famous songs, why she dresses how she does, her working style, and other topics. My favorite part is Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin talking about working with her on 9 to 5.
No, I was in the same boat as you. Dolly, for me, has down a same turnaround as Guy Fieri. I realized I dismissed them both and now I see it was really tied to classism.
Dolly Parton is a national treasure.
I also liked her “I’m old enough and I’m smart enough to get the vaccine”
I just bought the Revlon Hair Dryer Brush thingy and it’s aaaamazing. I’m usually a “dry it as fast as I can” kinda gal, no time for styling or anything extra. Just dry it and make the frizz go away (hair trends straight, but has an irregular wave pattern that is the bane of my existence) and get on with my day. Anyway, used the Revlon thing this AM for the first time and, let me tell you, I’m a new woman.
I still have some frizzy action going on. Before any salon blowout my stylist uses a product or two – a heat shield spray and maybe a light styling mousse? What are your go-to products pre-blow out? Thinking of placing an Ulta order later today so it doesn’t need to be off-the-shelf Target stuff. Willing to spend a little for something nice. If I wanted to hold a loose curl at the ends, do I need to use something different?
I LOVE that dryer-brush! I use a mousse, and then on humid days, some hairspray. I cannot get much of a loose curl on the ends, but you might be more talented.
From Ulta, I would recommend the Ouai brand’s leave in conditioner and heat protection spray. For the leave in conditioner, a little goes a long way. Four pumps barely puts a skim of it on my hand when I rub them together, and is sufficient for my thick shoulder length, coarse, porous hair. Use that then add a light overall spray of the heat protection spray, and style as usual. I also recommend the volume spray, if adding a little volume is desired. If shopping elsewhere, I would also recommend Aveda and Amika products.
cross posting from the mom’s page because i thought everyone here might have some additional useful information. talk to me about how to evaluate public schools when purchasing a house. i know that a lot of people are currently feeling quite down on public school due to covid, but our oldest won’t start Kindergarten until 2023, so hopefully things will be better by then (as an aside – if you switched your kids to private school due to covid, do you think you’ll keep them there forever? i think the makeup of public schools could change due to covid). i attended private school my whole life so don’t really know how to tell if a school will be a good fit or not. we are deciding between areas that are adjacent, but zoned to three different elementary schools. the ‘best’ school of the three is quite large – 8-10 kindergarten classes in a typical year, how much should that matter? would you send your kid to a title I school?
Word of mouth from people with older kids is a major source of information. Ask your coworkers who are also parents, even if their kids are in high school. Put the school name into google news to see if there have been any controversies. Lots of schools now have “virtual tours” on their websites because in-person visits are suspended.
Researching how the district responded to covid will also give you great information about the administration. Were the protocols based on the science? Did the schools shut down or reopen with time frames that make sense?
My district’s decision-making has been sound and the communication has been excellent. I was already planning to live in my home forever, but now I will never leave this district.
Looking through the list of Title 1 schools in my state, there are a handful of magnet high schools I would send my child to. Otherwise, no.
I don’t think size of the school matters but I would be focused on class size.
In general though, schools look “good” when the kids who go there have well-off families, and “bad” when they are poor.
I am a researcher….I pulled my states report cards for previous 5 years for districts in a specific radius and checked for items important to my family:
how many AP classes offered at the HS level
generous mix of ethnicity
graduation rates – this was less important as it can skew a great schools numbers overall
the annual “recommended” cost per pupil vs how much was actually spent – this relates to the premise of what classes / extras are actually offered vs what the district has funding f
The state report cards will give you tons of insight into all sorts of metrics, some will be useful to you, others not so much.
+1 Also a researcher and I agree that these can be good metrics to look at. I know I complained in my other comment below (in mod, ugh) that most of the public data isn’t going to tell you what you really need/want to know about whether a school will be a good fit for your kid, and I still think that is the case, especially with respect to big picture summaries, like an overall school grade. But looking at what a school offers, such as AP classes, access to high quality career and technical education/exploration, electives, etc – can be useful.
If you can find or access it, I recommend reviewing data on (pre-COVID) teacher and administrator turnover. It may not be publicly available, but you may have luck asking the school or district for it. (I am an education researcher.)
Oh lord, I could write pages on this. Well, I work in education research so that is what I do all day. Short version, as another poster notes – “In general though, schools look “good” when the kids who go there have well-off families, and “bad” when they are poor.” Much of the publicly available data you would use to evaluate a school is going to tell you more about whether the schools serves wealthy (often mostly white) students vs. poor students, than its going to tell you about that actual inner workings of the school and what your child’s experience is going to be like. So, setting aside the whole can of worms related to education and the intersections of race and class, and focusing on your question about evaluating ‘good fit’… to some extent you’ll need to see what kind of pre-schooler/kindergartner your child becomes – e.g., shy/outgoing, needs extra support in math/reading/etc, whatever. And then use that to guide your evaluation of what kind of school environment they’ll thrive in most. Of course that doesn’t help you in choosing a town to live in based on the school district. But again, most of the data you can look at on a website isn’t really going to tell you what it feels like to be a student in any given school. For that, you need to get into the weeds – visiting the school, talking to the principal, talking to teachers, talking to other parents. And I’m not sure if that’s the kind of exploration that makes sense to you at this stage. Unfortunately, though, the public summary labels like if a school is an “A” school or an “F” school is really telling you more about the school and districts demographics than anything else.
My experience in graduate school teaching undergraduates was also that students from good/rich/nice neighborhood schools could easily get As in their university courses. The system is set up to reward them. But their As were like Cs compared to the As from students who went to truly excellent high schools.
This kind of attitude is why I was petrified of professors and really tried to elide what kind of high school I’d attended. I’m a WASP-y looking white girl who got As but went to a subpar public high school in a rural area.
I didn’t mean to convey an attitude. I hope I was supportive of all students, and students of many backgrounds did well with support, even if some were ahead and others were catching up (teachers teach; it is not a bad thing). It just changed my impression of some very desirable school districts. I am talking some of the most expensive zip codes in the state, where the schools are supposed to be awesome and are certainly very well funded.
It is not a matter of attitude. It is truth.
My younger siblings went to a small rural school (I had already graduated when my family moved) and the quality of their education took a major hit. Their school offered three (total) AP classes, their language classes were a joke, and there were not enough students for different levels of classes aimed at people with different abilities/interests. They both got straight As and then almost flunked out of college because they were flat out not prepared. Fortunately my father was able to pay (a lot) for them to have tutoring to get them through/caught up.
OP – it sounds like you are looking at different elementary schools. I would focus on the high schools those feed in to rather than the elementary schools themselves. Also, unfortunately principals and the other parents are the two critical factors and the first turns over a lot (at least where I live). If you know anyone who lives in those neighborhoods, you might ask them to ask the local FB page for thoughts.
if we are taking about a state university that mainly draws from schools within the state, as it sounds from your follow up, I strongly suspect you were not getting the top students from those public schools. IMO, state universities get the B and C students from the best high schools in the state. So, am not sure I would draw any overall conclusions from that, except maybe that there is more of a range of abilities in the public schools compared to the top privates in the state.
I was cagey about my high school background because I wanted to avoid getting bad grades from professors who thought that only the students who’d gone to prep school had the proper background to get a real A. Turned out they couldn’t actually tell if they didn’t know much about me.
I’m only comparing straight A students with straight A students. The point is that the differences not captured by testing are immense; I think rich school districts make sure that everyone “succeeds” and has many opportunities, but I think there are also better schools out there. A really challenging curriculum is going to conflict with the high rate of success that parents want to see. And yes ambitious students from bad schools can go far (as can students who give up on bad school districts and do dual enrollment programs, etc.), but we were talking about assessing schools.
I wouldn’t let 8-10 kindergarten sections dissuade you unless the class sizes are unreasonably large.
Public school ratings are almost entirely based on socioeconomic status, IMO. My kiddo started kindergarten at School 1, which had 40% of its kids on free or reduced lunches. Then we were re-zoned when a new school was built in our neighborhood (we knew that going in), and it draws from a more affluent community. Looking at the test scores, you’d think School 2 was “better,” but it’s arguable. I was plenty pleased with the education he got at School 1, and we switched to School 2 only because it’s within walking distance and the other required driving.
The best fit, school-wise, is the one that works best for your whole family. That includes things like how much of a pain is it going to be to drive back and forth and any before/after-care options. Are all three schools you’re considering located in the same district? The curriculum within a district is not going to vary that much, but if you’re comparing district vs. district vs. district, the answer might be clearer.
In pre-covid times, even public schools would let parents meet with the principal and tour the school. It’s not something that’s advertised much, though. I don’t know how they’re handling it during the pandemic.
all are in the same school districts. there are a lot of magnet options available.
I reluctantly pulled my first grader out of public school and sent him to a private catholic school this year because it wasn’t feasible to monitor him at home for distance learning while working full time. I’m so glad he was able to go *somewhere,* but I am absolutely putting him back in public school next year. Some that decision is driven by the private school itself: they don’t teach history or science, there’s no diversity (race, disability, or economic), and rote memorization is prioritized over creativity and critical thinking. But that decision to put him back into a public school is also driven by a sense of civic duty. Public schools perform a critical role in society. Sending my kid there provides money for all of the services the school provides to the low-income / second language learners deserve and benefit from. Having my kid there teaches him the value of inclusivity and diversity in an organic way … they don’t have to hire a third-party vendor to come explain to the kids why those things matter, they can it and learn it for themselves just by being in the room with people different from them.
Test scores are often the metric of a ‘good’ school but I think they’re pretty meaningless. At our school, scores are low because the school is in a area with lots of first-gen kids who don’t speak english as their first language. But there are a ton of extracirricular activities that all kids get involved in, there are mentor / mentee relationships between all of the grades, there is a PTA that focuses on equity for all students, and there are intentional efforts to incorporate the kids with disabilities into as many classroom and school events as possible – not as tokens but as full participants in talent shows, plays, sports, etc. Based upon those factors, we see the public school as a ‘good’ fit because raising a compassionate, empathetic kid is more important to us than positioning him to eventually get into an Ivy.
A person in my neighborhood (already a resident) posted on Nextdoor asking about the elementary school her newly born child would eventually attend, since it has poor test scores and rankings. She got tons of comments back from parents who were very happy with the school, loved the teachers, kids were thriving, etc. The low scores were because the school has (and is doing great work with) a larger than average percentage of kids in poverty and English language learners. I’m not sure if you can access Nextdoor for neighborhoods that aren’t your own, but if you can get onto Nextdoor, or some other neighborhood specific platform, and get comments from real parents, you may find that a school that looks “bad” is actually just fine, and maybe even great.
There is a small school district in my area that is exactly like this. Wonderful schools with excellent teachers, but the socioeconomic diversity means that the test scores are lower. The diversity is a huge plus though, and the district had basically a cult following. Every parent I know who has kids in that district LOVES it.
I’ve thought about this a lot, and I would be a little hesitant to take this too much at face value. Probably worth doing, but… I recently moved from a very urban area with some very good schools and some very bad “rated” schools. But whenever someone posts on Nextdoor or some other platform asking about the bad rated schools, they always get a bunch of responses to not pay attention to the numbers and the school is great. But I can’t help but wonder… can that possibly be true for all of these schools? Or is it more like, the people that would have negative things to say just won’t because of the risk it gets back to the teachers etc. and they feel bad; or in this charged climate they are afraid of being accused of being biased or worse. I know some people write negatives regardless (especially in covid where school reopening anger runs deep), but I think there are a lot of people that would rather not. I also think people generally have a bias where they want to vehemently defend wherever their kid goes (I would say this is true for a lot of things in child caregiving) because it would be really uncomfortable to admit to yourself that you made the wrong choice after it was too late. Just my two cents without, admittedly, a solution (although the detailed research noted above by the researchers is probably a good start. But agreed some input is better than none.
I guess you could be right. However, I am one of those people who is a huge fan of our district, even though it has a not-great reputation. I admit I sent my son there so he could receive accommodations for a disability, though he was mainstreamed 100% with no services by 6th grade. Comparing it to the private school my daughters went to, the public school just offered more for all kids and gave them more opportunities. Also, I feel like he just learned more. I understand kids can fall through the cracks, and I’m sure many do, but if you sent your kid there wanting them to get a good education, it would happen.
Totally. I’m sure there are a ton of “bad” rated schools out there that actually ARE good. But I bet there are also a ton of “bad” rated schools that actually are bad, but a post on Nextdoor won’t bring those thoughts to light. It will just get the few that want to defend it. So as an outsider, it would be tough to tell which you are dealing with.
I think some of the sites that attempt to rate schools like Niche or Great Schools do a poor job at rating them – maybe that’s what they mean? One of the very good elementary schools here that feeds into the #1 high school in the state got a 4/10, for example, because of the way their scoring works. It’s confusing looking at sites like that.
Completely agreed. I’m just opining that a post on Nextdoor might not add the true insight whether the rating is fair or not, b/c I’ve noticed a positive-response bias.
Looking at Yelp with anonymous reviews may help here, people may speak more freely
Also people want to boost their neighborhood schools because it affects the value of their house.
As someone with many teachers in my family and friend group, I can tell you that a LOT of what goes on is covered up. My brother taught in the second-worst school in the state, and his stories would curl your hair. Stabbings and assaults were claimed to happen on streets or in alleys nearby so they didn’t “count” towards school incidents, but they actually began in the building and the kids chased each other outside during the fight.
If you’re looking more for trackable data like test scores, by all means do research. But for realistic descriptions of day-to-day school life, you need feet on the ground to get real answers. Ask parents, look through social media, find what teachers are (and are NOT) saying. Tension between teachers and administration is telling, too.
+1. Don’t just trust the numbers, but talk to people. My school had kids dealing drugs in the parking lot, older men cruising by middle school when the bell rang to pick up their 13-year-old girlfriends while teachers turned a blind eye, no APs, and a lot of other problems that were masked by the whole “well the test scores aren’t bad for a school that serves so many low-income and ESL students!”
Both drug problems and harassment and assault of girls happen at even the most exclusive of schools. Heck, my prep school friends have some of the craziest stories. Outside of neighborhoods with violent issues, there’s a baseline of these issues that will exist in any school community.
We have state testing here so it was easy enough to look at those. I also highly value diversity so I looked at those statistics as well. It’s a balance between the two because the highest test scores tend to be in the least diverse districts. I didn’t want to live in a neighborhood where the schools got all 10s on testing but my kids never met a person of color.
Sent my kids to a Title I school (albeit one which lost its Title I status a couple years back). A lot of school ratings are basically about the relative wealth of the parents, not the quality of the teachers or principal. Also, I love having my kids at a neighborhood school. We could walk there! They could bike there! I’m not averse to driving them places, but it was so neat that their physical world included the school down the street. My eldest is currently in a middle school with all the kids from the $$$$ schools and doing well. It was more diverse than the other schools, and while it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, I actually think everyone being different actually helped keep the bullying to a minimum.
Honestly, I’d pick the house you like over the particulars of the zoned school, especially if they are similar. Our school was smallish – had @ 4 k classrooms and 1 transitional k classrooms.
All of my frustration at my kids’ schools during COVID is related to how badly the district has bungled and failed to plan for reopening. In normal times, I was pretty pleased.
For me, the best way to get a sense for a school is to tour it – which is hard to do now. But it is not at all weird to tour long before your child attends. The climate/feel of each school will be really apparent. We were surprised – the “good” school seemed crowded and chaotic, and the “bad” school seemed warm, supportive, and inviting. Also, talking to other parents or neighbors is key. Our neighborhood school (large urban school district) had a staff member who hooked us up with a current parent. It also turns out that our district is a bit decentralized – a lot of decisions are left up to principals, which then makes your experience really dependent on whether the principal is good or not (or, I should say, prioritizes what you think is important).
It is also really hard, I think, to figure out what school will be a good fit for your kid before they are in school. My kiddo is in K (and his first in-person day is tomorrow….) and my philosophy is we will see if this works and we can always readjust. For the early grades I am most concerned about him having a good experience, learning to make new friends, and being in a diverse classroom. If there are academic challenges or issues that aren’t being met as he gets older, or there are drugs/violence issues – well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. From what I hear from private school parents, even the most well-regarded private school might not be a good fit as a child grows. But we bought our house comfortable with the neighborhood school on the idea that we would be fine with him going there.
Are there any fields that are more open to job hopping than others?
This is a bit of a contrived example, but let’s say I’m an accountant for Broadway plays. I don’t really know if this is an actual job, but let’s say that I am hired for each run of a play, which is about 6 months. My job itself is a very normal one and could be done and is needed in every industry.
So my ideal dream world would be to be an accountant at a company for a year, go do a broadway play, and then work at a company for1.5 years, rinse and repeat. It wouldn’t be exactly this because I don’t know when my favorite plays are going to come back, but if the opportunity arises I’d like to be able to take it.
Neither of these are my actual career paths, but its similar.
Are there any industries in which this would be tolerable? I’ve seen a lot of people in tech change jobs every 1-2 years, and tbh even my friends in actual audit or advisory have switched jobs every 2-3 years. I know I’m looking for a best of both worlds situation that may not exist – being able to do a play whenever it comes up while having a stable job the rest of the time. Some other people I know in this situation either freelance during the time between plays, or do a series of short-term contracts so that they can switch over easily enough when a play that they want to do comes up.
I think you can do this so long as you accept the risk that after a Broadway play ends you might be job seeking for awhile – it’s just a universe of factors that may cause the next “stable” job to not match up with your timing.
To add: I think you can do this is any field that has enough employers to keep switching. We are no longer in a world that an entire career with one employer is that common – pensions aren’t a thing in most fields, etc.
I think another aspect of this is that you need minimal on the job training before you start bringing in value. This is possible in tech, where you are hired for specific, narrow experience and hit the ground running.
I’m a bit confused – are you an accountant looking for a field you can…account in…or are you looking for industries that allow job hopping?
Political staffers change jobs frequently, though always within the same party (one college transgression forgiven) and subject matter (e.g., international relations, tax, labor, whatever your thing is).
I have no idea but I am super intrigued to learn what type of career this is actually about.
me too. i’m curious both what industry you work in and what the ‘broadway play’ actually is. in some sense people do this a lot in politics with political campaigns and depending on who is in office
This was going to be my guess. This is what it’s like working in politics / on campaigns. You are at the mercy of the next election and then on to the next!
I was going to say politics. My husband is involved in the political industry and the job-hopping is hard to wrap my head around sometimes. The flip side of that, though, is people are pretty understanding of it. They usually don’t want to burn any bridges because they never know where someone will end up or how they’ll be useful in the future.
As you point out, this sounds more like taking multiple successive freelance gigs rather than a situation where you go back to being an employee. In my field, even contract jobs now often offer the option of benefits (expensive because the subsidies are smaller), but that might be a thing for accounting contract workers too.
That’s very interesting. Now that I think of it, some of the short-term contracts have had health insurance of some type, while the pure freelance work of course did not. Health insurance is definitely the main thing that is preventing me from being okay with going 100% freelance.
I guess I was worried that my resume might look bad if its only these ~6 month contracts but maybe its alright if its a field known for them.
I mean not likely to be relevant to you, but construction project management tends to be like that. My mom is a senior project manager and when a building is done, unless the development company has something new in the works, she usually switches to another project. Timeline is usually something like every 2-3 years I would guess?
+1, project or product management came to my mind, too. Or political campaigns.
In the other fields I’m thinking of – entertainment, museums, sports – people sometimes have one steady job while they do freelance consulting on the side.
This is something I’ve thought of too – maybe I should take a really boring steady job that is likely to actually be 9-5 (do those exist?) so that I have time and mental energy to do freelance consulting.
Many boring jobs still expect you won’t have another job.
What are you actually talking about?
One of my former legal assistants was a theatre actress. During her down time, she worked on her lines. When she was performing a play, she would leave at 4pm on the dot or take vacation. It worked really well because she the attorneys and paralegals made all the decisions and she executed them. She never had to check emails or respond to emergencies before or after work. She had a salary and full benefits like health insurance and retirement. Her performance and dress rehearsal weeks were in our calendar so we avoided setting trials during those times.
Many full time jobs won’t let you have another job and it’s grounds for termination if you do.
Oh I didn’t realize that full time jobs would not let you freelance on the side. That’s surprising to me – what if you just needed the money?
A financial corporation probably wouldn’t care if you had an etsy shop on the side, but if you have another source of employment that’s in the same or an adjacent field, that would be a problem. Think potential conflicts of interest. Also, let’s say you were doing financial advising on the side, your freelance work might reflect on the corporation. It would really be easier if you mentioned what field you’re talking about.
All side jobs have to be cleared through our company’s conflicts of interest check. Even my volunteering does!
This makes no sense. Use reality for your example this is anonymous anyway! People hop in and out of campaign work all the time, for example.
I work for a large defense contractor and am able to ‘switch’ programs easily. I’ve been on my current one for 6 years (with 3 totally different jobs in that time frame). It’s winding down currently so I’m getting ready to start work on a totally separate program. It’s very easy to change programs, job functions, etc when your company has its hands in just about everything. They even have a whole division that’s actual temp positions – no benefits, PTO, holidays but it pays well and the assignments are usually 6-18 months.
Friend of mine is a doctor and does something this – she takes on locum placements on a rotational basis across North America with some international/volunteer ones thrown in. She works 12-18 months in the locum, then goes and does volunteering for MSF / red cross and then when that’s done finds another locum. I assume she’s probably an independent contractor though because I don’t think doctors are normally employees. Could be wrong on that.
If you do management consulting (McKinsey type stuff) you often get sent into companies to work with them. Honestly lots of kinds of consulting. If you’re open to travel you could even do it worldwide.
For another example, a traveling nurse.
Travel nursing?
Uh…. depends on how much money you need to make and whether or not health insurance is an issue. I don’t think there is such a thing as a “stable” job that lets you ditch out for six months anytime you want.
That said, if you really are an accountant (which I recommend if you’re looking for flexibility– the profession is extremely flexible once you have a few years of experience), there’s a huge amount of temp work available, including long term temp placements, through robert half and account#mps. Pay is variable. Insurance is unlikely, though I think you may (???) be able to get it through robert half. Once you have a good placement, they are happy to place you again.
I’ve temped in the past, including a 1+ year placement, when I was in school and taking the CPA exam before I started my full time job. There are also a lot of non-temporary opportunities for working seasonally year after year as a tax preparer, both in small to midsize public accounting firms and tax prep shops. I don’t know if your “plays” happen routinely at the same time every year, but if they happen in the summer, seasonal tax work could work out great for you. I’ve contemplated it myself so I could have a completely unrelated summer job, and will probably do that eventually. Could you compromise and only go work on plays that do happen during certain times of the year? That might make this more feasible.
I do actually work in theatre, and many of my colleagues have consistent temp jobs which they return to between gigs, though “between gigs” for us tends to be weeks or months rather than years. This permanent temp work is in a variety of fields- healthcare, insurance, real estate – a lot of them have positions that they can do remotely too. College/ SAT tutoring is another big one. From what I see, it depends more on the position than the industry. None of these jobs involve benefits, though.
Over the last year and a half, I’ve learned that many of my long-term friends suffered emotional or physical abuse as children. Many of them have started to tell me their stories. I anonymously admit that especially in cases where I knew their families or parents, sometimes it is hard to listen with an open mind. Are there any books or resources this group can recommend for people like me who did not have those experiences but want to believe and hear these friends both before and after stories are shared?
Resources to just listen to and believe your friends when they tell you things? Not that I’m aware of. You don’t have to have been abused to understand it happens and is sadly common.
+1. It’s not that hard to understand that people’s lived experiences may differ from your own. And also that people present themselves differently to outsiders vs family.
I wouldn’t say that I was abused as a child (still in therapy sorting this out), but I also wouldn’t be able to agree with someone who claims that I had good parents. And my community (religious) really does hold my parents up as examples of great parenting, so I haven’t shared my story to avoid the gaslighting I know will follow. I don’t have any books to recommend, but one thing that I think would help is is to remind yourself that very few people act in bad ways 100% of the time. If they did, we wouldn’t have such big societal hang ups to believing survivors of abuse, rape, etc. because the perpetrators would have reputations as bad people already. You were shown the good side of these people, so of course it’s hard to think they could turn around and treat their own children poorly. But similarly, many children who are not treated well by their parents struggle to reconcile how they are treated compared to how much better their parents treat other children or relatives. It can also be helpful to remember that not all survivors of abuse cope in the same way, so there’s not a set way that abuse survivors *should* behave or process what was done to them.
Thank you for wanting to believe and support your friends.
Why do you need books to keep an open mind? Believe your friends, period. I grew up in one such household and my mom was totally different when third parties were around. I’m sill dealing with that trauma.
I was emotionally abused as a child, and it has been really hard to tell my story, partially because I know a lot of people have these attitudes.
Abusive people are often very good at hiding that aspect of their personality from the public. Of course you didn’t see the parents’ darker side because they did not want anyone outside the house to know they were abusing their children. In my personal story, my father in particular is very well known in the community and is quite a character. I have told many funny stories about him over the years because that was a coping mechanism for me and also part of MY hiding his abuse and protecting him (because emotional abuse messes the victim up in a lot of ways). I regret telling those stories now because I fear it has made the abuse less believable to certain people.
I don’t know of any resources for you to learn how to listen to and believe your friends. I would suggest maybe learning about trauma and abuse and how that affects victims longterm, and you can find that information on lots and lots of websites with some googling. Another thing for you to consider while trying to process these stories is why would your friends lie to you about this? I go into these situations knowing that a false report is rare and my friend has no reason to tell me something other than her actual, lived experience.
Christ this is like saying ‘how do I believe women when they tell me their boyfriends are abusive’. In private. Of course their families are nice *when you’re around*. Of course things are ok *in public view*. That is how abuse happens.
As an abuse survivor this question is pretty triggering. So many people didn’t believe me because “your mom is so nice!” and “your ex loved you so much!” So because they were nice in public you think they were always nice at home too? And you would rather think I’m a liar than accept that someone you thought was nice actually isn’t nice behind closed doors?
I think you should sit with why you’re feeling this resistance to the truth your friends are telling you. It’s ok to grieve the loss of the image of people you thought you knew well. But it sounds like there’s more to it? Some people seem to think that if they met a Bad Person they would know it. That’s incredibly naive, and if you’re encountering this for the first time as an adult you should count yourself very lucky.
Agree. I would hate to be the OP’s friend.
Ok, I know you’re admitting this anonymously, and thankfully, not to your friends. But yikes! As someone who grew up in an abusive household your post really turned my stomach. A constant refrain from my childhood: “What goes on in this house, stays in this house.” Of course you didn’t see it. I’m not really sure why you need books to understand this, and I have no recommendations, but I hope you find what you need to be the friend that your friends obviously believe you are if they are sharing this very deep vulnerability with you.
Ugh. This post brings bad back memories for me of when people doubted what I went through because my parents appeared “normal” in public. If you can’t “listen with an open mind,” step the f back and don’t pretend to be there for your friends. You’ll do more harm than good.
I’m going to try to assume good intentions with the OP. Just like with racism, it can be hard to hear and understand stories if you didn’t grow up seeing them. It’s not exactly that you don’t believe; it’s that your brain has trouble processing it and integrating it into your reality, and you catch yourself minimizing when you shouldn’t. One thing I found helpful in understanding the limits of my white perspective was reading lots and lots of first person narratives about being Black. In that vein, the Role reboot archives on this topic might help OP.
https://cse.google.com/cse?cx=018262834420560813306:8jqkmzyqmjz&q=Abuse&oq=Abuse&gs_l=partner-generic.3…4774.6415.0.6892.6.6.0.0.0.0.69.341.6.6.0.csems%2Cnrl%3D13…0.2115j1169819j7…1j4.34.partner-generic..6.0.0.Vdlq37ussTQ
And while the link looks broken, it does lead to the archives on childhood, sexual, and domestic abuse on that site. I am sorry to those for whom this is triggering.
OP, you are trying to be a good friend. That’s wonderful. I don’t know why this group is being so critical of you and your honest request for help. I do not have any books to recommend, just offering support.
The group is being critical because it is akin to people not believing a partner sexually assaulted someone because “he is so nice.” This was triggering for me, as someone who experienced abuse as a child. When I told my husband, who’s only ever known my mom to be nice, he believed me. The group isn’t trying to attack OP, but this is really painful to hear people like OP minimize my real, lived experience.
I think it is triggering, but at the same time I appreciate that OP is trying to grow.
Yes, exactly this. I hope that OP reads some of the stories here about not being believed or the fear of not being believed and that it helps her understand why that attitude is damaging and helps her come to these conversations with more openness and compassion. I think that understanding why it’s important is a great step in building the skill.
Do people really share this with their friends? My husband is the only person who knows. The rest of our family doesn’t even know. There just doesn’t seem to be any upside to sharing, and the risks are huge.
Yes. I share my life trauma with my close friends as it is part of what has made me who I am today. We confide in each other regularly about sensitive topics. You certainly don’t have to, but I don’t think it’s wildly unusual.
+1 I need the support from my friends and I am happy to be there when they need me.
+1
An enlightened witness is a powerful way to heal. Not sure where this quote originates
“we are only as sick as our secrets”
My friends & I definitely share the good, the bad, & the ugly and as such, are unconditionally available
Yes, people do share this stuff, generally with friends with whom they are comfortable being vulnerable and who will listen with compassion.
Yes of course people share these experiences with their friends. I’m not sure if the implication here is that it wasn’t that bad if someone feels comfortable sharing with a friend, or what.
The upside to sharing with friends is the same upside you have for sharing with your husband. Some of us don’t have husbands to process and be vulnerable with.
+1
Because of what happened to me as a child, I have never been in a relationship and will never marry/have children.
I don’t process with my husband. He knows because it is relevant context to our relationship, but we don’t discuss it unless he drags up the topic for whatever reason. I am just saying that it’s risky to use your friends, or your spouse, as a therapist, the OP’s reaction being an example of why. I would not take that risk and am frankly surprised that so many of OP’s friends would.
I’d recommend the Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do That to understand more about abuse. In particular, I think you could benefit from resources about why victims don’t come forward. There was a whole #whyIstayed on Twitter. While those resources are typically about adults in abusive relationships, the same issues apply (often ten times worse) to child abuse situations. Kids wonder if things would be worse in foster care so they don’t speak up. They don’t know if it is bad enough to get taken out of the home and telling on the parent only for the parent to be “cleared” is a terrifying thought.
I was not in an abusive household but I had a serious of injuries in second grade that led to the school or our church requesting an investigation of my parents. My parents understood why but were still annoyed and defensive. I can vividly remember how scared I was during that time and I was not an abused child. I can’t imagine living through an investigation if you are.
As another example of how the system fails kids, I’m aware of a child that confessed abuse from dad (custodial parent) to mom (non-custodial parent) and the facts were such they could only be known if kid told mom. The investigator didn’t even change around the wording of the allegation so dad wouldn’t know kid told mom. The investigator decided dad was all clear and kid still has to live there. If there is abuse going on, I suspect it is now worse.
Gift of Fear is a great recommendation.
that was supposed to say a “series of injuries” not a serious injury.
It may help to read about malignant narcissism and how abusers “groom” entire communities to overlook or disbelieve their abusive behavior.
I think that may comments here are reactive and not very helpful – OP is being anonymously honest, and expressing that she WANTS to support her friends and believe them. OP, i think it’s hard to be honest to ourselves sometimes and it’s necessary to get to that end place of being supportive. i don’t know of any resources but would encourage you to share with a trusted confidential source like a therapist to help you process. i’d also just encourage you to default to believing folks – i’m sure you too have experienced people who were not great to you, but great to others. abuse is exactly like that but …extreme and abusive!
my personal anecdote is that my dad is gregarious and kind to many, he’s loved by his co-workers, friends and extended family. also he was awful and abusive to my mom and myself growing up.
thank you for trying to process and understand and be supportive!
Okay, but write a pretty thoughtless and obviously triggering post and these are the responses you’re gonna get. Nobody here owes OP anything.
i’m the anon that wrote the post above this, you def don’t need to defend your comments to me, i agree no one owes OP anything! i’m just adding in my take and framing based on the questions. people feeling triggered is very valid!
Yeah. Honestly, I myself have only come to acknowledge there was some level of abuse in my home in my last decade (late 30s-40s). I wouldn’t be shocked at all if my friends from back then, especially those who did not have similar experiences, were reluctant to believe me now if I said “I was abused as a child.” In fact, I even have stepsiblings who might understandably hesitate. It isn’t that I am suggesting I have suppressed memories resurfacing. It is that I remember the incidents but suppressed the fact that they were abuse that created a lot of fear in me that then manifested in a lot of behaviors that did not make sense at the time to those around me who knew I came “from a good family”. I had a good and attentive mother who also abused me, lightly physically (that stopped when I called it out at 13/14) and pretty heavily mentally. I did not really admit that until I had an adult conversation with my sister that confirmed my mother was a decent mother who also terrified us regularly. There is a lot more I’ve come to know about my father, too.
While the original post kind of reads a little funny (hence the above comments), I think you’re coming from a good place/intentions. Something that’s really helped me be open to other people’s experiences and opinions is to work on practicing non-judgment. Like really, truly working on not automatically judging something in my brain, trying to stop categorize it or connect it to a different story or find a solution or do anything else. But just listening and letting the experience to be theirs alone that they’re sharing with me. I know I’m really quick to jump to solutions – judge a situation quickly, jump to a solution. But often that’s not useful or kind in an interpersonal relationship – our friends don’t need us to fix them, they need us to listen and hold space for their experience. It’s not easy to stop and honestly initially feels like I’m just doing nothing/not enough – but it is huge to just be a witness and validate someone else’s experience without judgment.
Two resources that helped me, may be a little woo-woo for you or not:
*The first chapter on The Law of Potentiality, last part on non-judgment and silence from The 7 Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopkra. There are a few paragraphs in this chapter specifically about non-judgement and the silence/peace that it brings that was one of the most beneficial things I’ve ever learned/practiced.
*Judgement Detox by Gabby Bernstein. I never do all the exercises and don’t really think that she’s the best writer, but I do think the messaging is on point and very useful for those of us trying to exist in a quick to judge culture.
How old are you? If you are in your early to mid 20s, I would say that realizing that what we see on the surface is different than what lies beneath is a normal part of growing up and becoming an adult, especially for people who were fortunate enough to have a good childhood. Lots of people don’t tell anyone about their abuse for a variety of reasons until they are well out of the situation and secure enough that they wont have to go back to it. It seems normal to me that you would just be hearing some of these stories now, if you’re in your 20s.
We are generally raised with a fairly black and white understanding of “good guys” and “bad guys” and part of becoming an adult is realizing that there are a lot more shades of gray than we realize. We have this cartoonish idea of mustachioed criminals lurking in the darkness, when in reality most crimes are committed by family members, close friends, and relatives. A good friend of mine was r@ped in college by this popular, totally sweet and friendly- seeming beta male who loved playing guitar and wearing his muppets t shirt. It was devastating to her, not just because of what happened but because almost no one believed her because he didn’t “seem” like a r@pist. That was a hugely eye opening realization to me too, that there is no such thing as someone who “seems” like a r@pist.
We also have this cartoonish idea of what victims look like that involves a broken woman crying alone in the darkness or someone who has completely spiraled and their life has been destroyed. In reality, a lot of victims get up every day and go about their lives and look perfectly well adjusted from the outside. This friend of mine who was r@ped in college is now a high ranking government attorney whose life looks (and is!) really great. Being a victim of a crime does not define her life.
I personally endured some pretty horrible circumstances as a child and am now a productive member of society whose life looks really great too. Doesn’t mean I didn’t regularly fear for my life as a child. OP, it’s hard to believe when you first realize that life doesn’t work the way we’ve been told. Sometimes it just takes time to work through that mentally.
Hooray for jumpsuits! I bought my first jumpsuit in 2018 and I’ve leaned HARD into them since. Here are a few that I really like that are still available:
– Duluthflex Fire Hose Coveralls: I wear these all the time. I’ll layer a turtleneck underneath when it’s cold: https://www.duluthtrading.com/womens-duluthflex-fire-hose-coolmax-coveralls-46713.html?dwvar_46713_color=SCR&cgid=womens-bottoms-overalls#start=1&cgid=womens-bottoms-overalls
– Target Long Sleeve Boilersuit: So comfortable! https://www.target.com/p/women-s-long-sleeve-collared-boilersuit-universal-thread/-/A-80138588?preselect=80555318#lnk=sametab
– Target All In Motion Woven Jumpsuit: I cannot wait to put this on as soon as it’s warm enough. https://www.target.com/p/women-s-stretch-woven-sleeveless-jumpsuit-all-in-motion/-/A-81547470?preselect=80960575#lnk=sametab
My entire group of friends has that Target boilersuit. I love it.
I am intrigued because I also love a jumpsuit, but at first glance to me it looks like a mechanic’s/manufacturing floor uniform. Nothing wrong with that – I support manufacturing in my day job, just an interesting look. How do you and your friends style it?
I cuff the pants and wear them with my heeled docs or sneakers. I’ll put a mockneck tank underneath and add non-manufacturing accessories (big earrings).
I wear it with a long sleeve tee or turtleneck underneath, with boiler suit sleeves rolled up. I also cuff the pants so they’re cropped, and wear with converse.
Add Old Navy breathe jumpsuits. More lounge-y than utility, but so comfortable, effortless wash and dry, and come in a wide range of sizes.
I like jumpsuits in warm weather, but it’s currently very cold where I live. Wearing a jumpsuit alone would never be warm enough (I’m usually in several layers of wool). If you put a sweater or jacket on top of a jumpsuit, then there is a lot to take off just to go to the bathroom which is kind of a pain. Plus, I’d end up mostly naked just to use the toilet, and it’s cold! That’s so unappealing. For me, jumpsuits are only for much warmer weather.
Same same same! Love them, still too cold.
Doesn’t work for the super cold, but I wear a turtleneck under the boiler suit. Warmer, and solves the naked in the bathroom issue.
I have a recent passion for long sleeve jumpsuits with shorts. If you run across any cute ones, lemme know!
How about this one? https://www.shopbop.com/ledah-romper-alexis/vp/v=1/1597029463.htm?colorId=1B328
Ah, cute! But a little bit out of my funky-romper budget : ) Thank you
What type of underwear would everyone recommend? For reference, I was wearing the Soma Embraceable line, but they have changed the material to a “super soft” that is not as comfortable in my opinion. I’m not worried about VPL. I’m more interested in something that is lightweight and I don’t know is there. Prior to Soma, I was wearing the Victoria’s Secret Dream Angel ones that also appear to no longer be available. I’m also an XL in the Embraceable line and an XXL in the Embraceable super soft.
I like Natori bliss
I’ve had surprising success with aerie underwear, especially the real me material. They regularly have sales where it’s 5 pairs for $30 similar to VS.
+1.
This is all of the underwear I own.
Add me to this list, I switched from VS to Aerie a few years ago and like them a lot.
Parade has been great for me, similar size.
I’m so sorry to hear they’ve changed the Embraceable line! Those are my favorites and I’ve recommended them on here a million times. Bummer. Good thing I have a drawerful (pun intended) but I’m screwed in a year or so.
Well, they still have some in the original line that are not “super soft”. But I preferred the versions with only lace along the waist band as I’ve put my fingers through the lace when it is on the sides…like where they hit your hip bones. And the versions with the lace only at the waist band are only in the “super soft”. I’m somewhat hoping I’m just looking to order at the wrong time and they are in between seasons/patterns.
I wear the lace only at the waistband style too. Darn it! (which I changed to a pretend swear word but is not what I actually said)
I almost exclusively wear the Chantelle One Size Fits Most recommended here. No panty lines, not wedgies. I was between sizes depending on brands so the one size was very appealing to me.
I have a ¢150 gift card to Ann Taylor. I used to shop AT a lot for office clothes but as other readers have noted, the quality seems to have declined. Combined with the fact that I don’t like many of the current trends (I prefer classic silhouettes over things like puffy sleeves and ruffles), I’m not sure what to buy. I could use new clothes and accessories because I’ve purged my wardrobe this past year and am down to essentially a capsule wardrobe. Is there anything in particular you’ve got your eye on or is there a category that you think is better quality (eg, jeans are okay but knits are not)?
Personally, I’d use it at Lou and Gray. Their sweats are the softest I’ve ever worn.
Can you use it at Ann Taylor Factory? I actually like ATF a lot. The prices (wait for a sale) seem decent to me for the quality. I’m one of the posters from the other day who buys classic luxury piecses at deep discounts from eBay; ATF is one of the places I go to pick up a couple of trendier styles or colors (e.g., t-shirts in that season’s color palette).
Otherwise, maybe pick up some accessories from Ann Taylor?
Pick up a couple of print blouses or shells that you’ll be sick of in a year when they wear out, but brighten up your spring wardrobe right now.
I haven’t looked in probably ~2 years, but Ann Taylor used to have surprisingly good quality shoes (even after their general decline). I love their tights and socks. The jeans are fine. I think they’ve done a good job with spring outerwear, too, within recent memory.
I like their shoes.
Over the past year, I’ve been camping or hiking at least one weekend a month. I have gift cards from LL Bean and Athleta and need some spring-weather gear (up a size over the pandemic). I am thinking Athleta gear is more fashion but maybe not? My prior gear was for lounging on the couch — was not planning on a pandemic and becomng Grizzy Adams when I shopped in Before Times.
They both sell fine, functional clothing that is around the same level of quality.
In my opinion, LL Bean excels at outerwear: jackets, fleeces, parkas, etc. They do not do so well with pants, but I do own some camping pants that are pretty good overall, but the fabric could be better–it pills.
Athleta makes great clothes, and has a one year return policy. (well, it did–go check)
Athleta is more fashion forward, so I would use LLBean for outwear, and Athleta for other items.
Everyone needs a good rain shell!
I would use the LL Bean card on gifts for family members who like that frumpy I’ll-fitting stuff and the Athleta card on sports bras or the Pranayama cardigan, which are the only things from Athleta that actually fit me right and don’t look cheap even though they cost $$$. Then I would buy hiking gear from a legit outdoor brand like Marmot or Arcteryx.
If you don’t find any clothes you love at LL Bean, I would go with housewares or gadgets – towels, pillowcases etc because you don’t have to worry about fit.
Wicked good slippers for the win at L.L.Bean. Clothing, meh.
Have any of you done a speech over Zoom? I’m being recorded and trying to figure out what to do with my notes. I could potentially have them up on my screen so that I’m looking at them and not at myself while I’m recording, and so that I’m not looking down, which I feel looks more noticeable over Zoom than in person. Any tips from those with more experience?
Put the notes up on one side of your screen and have the Zoom window on the other side (or have notes on top, Zoom on bottom – I’d basically put the notes closest you can get to your camera so you’re looking into the camera).
I like to put the notes on the screen and minimize the Zoom window. This is with a camera right at the top of the screen.
I have done several. I always print notes as a backup, but maybe look at them once. I either put the notes up on my second monitor (sometimes wonky because I might be looking slightly askew) or just minimize/shrink my Zoom window and have my notes up on my laptop screen so I am looking directly at my laptop’s camera.
I have done a longish, uninterrupted presentation and I couldn’t refer to my notes and keep up with the q&a and the presentation at the same time. Which is why I say uninterrupted.I think I would have been ok if the q&a were at the end and not during. And it was also recorded for future events. So I’m kind of frustrated that they caught flustered me on a recording that will be played many times to other audiences.
Practice a lot, think about how you will refer to your notes, and my number one tip is no questions during.
Sit up straight, at the end of the chair with feet firmly planted on the floor and wearing shoes. Do your best to memorize a lot of the speech. Put something bright like a sticker or a post it note next to the camera so you look into in and not the screen. Good luck!
Where would you live in San Francisco? Recommendations for walkable, safe neighborhoods within 20 mins’ – preferably walking – distance of California & Montgomery streets (between Financial District and Chinatown)?
I’ll be starting as a corporate associate this fall (looking to move out there after graduation) and haven’t had a chance to really scout out the city as everything was remote last summer.
Considerations:
I love jogging (and don’t drive) so proximity to safe parks or waterfronts would definitely be a plus.
I obviously won’t be dining out anytime soon, but I am a foodie at heart and would love to be near restaurants as well when situation hopefully improves in summer / fall.
I’m not opposed to big condos if it matters (definitely want in-unit laundry)
I hope to commute on foot if it can be managed safely!
Also welcome any advice on city life / budgetimg in SF. Thank you in advance!
I would pony up and pay money to live in the Marina, but you should be aware that streets almost everywhere in the city have significant safety and quality of life issues these days. It’s not so dire that you can’t walk to work, but it’s something that can be a shock to new people. Finding in-unit laundry is going to be a challenge as well. Budget?
Thanks for the advice! Budget is ~3500/month, although prefer to keep it to ~3000/month if possible. Willing to double up with a housemate if I can get one of my friends to sign on!
That’s going to be pretty tight for something decent, but you might get lucky since the pandemic has caused rents to drop. I still recommend the Marina and North Beach/Telegraph like someone mentioned below. I work in the financial district and those areas would be walkable/bikeable depending on where exactly you end up. There’s a lot to like about SF, even though I do have issues with the streets.
*budget for the apartment. I do realize housing will take up most of my disposable income in SF. Annual budget is typical biglaw associate: 190k/year pre-tax, no student loans, plan to max out 401k and hope to save an additional 3k/month. Probably leaves around 5-6k/month (including housing). I’m hoping we’ll be back in the office by fall (and the firm will cover a lot of late night meals…)
I think you are overestimating your take-home pay.
Yes I think when I was a first year biglaw associate in SF my take-home was more like $6k (on the same salary, maxing out 401k).
As a reference, I make slightly under 190k in CA and my take home is $10k/month, but with no 401k deductions. I pay $600/month in student loans and I’m comfortable with my $3k rent.
oh that is basically where I worked and when I was single I LOVED, truly adored, living in the north beach/telegraph heights area. I would walk (shuffle run bc I was late) to work every morning and it’s downhill in the morning, which is nice. My running route would be down to the water towards the north and then in a big loop ending with the steps up telegraph hill. There’s a trader joes and safeway within walking distance, and tons of good food and nightlife in north beach and as you go south east. I could see alcatraz and the bridges from the top of the hill and would have my coffee out on the roof. I love the few blocks west of coit tower, highly recommend looking around there. great restaurants (italian and chinese!)
Perhaps prices now are different but I had a 1br for 2600 with 1 car parking in 2018 and it felt like a steal. I only moved because I moved in with my then bf and we moved across the bay to rockridge to fit our combined budget.
+1,000,000
Until we had kids we lived on telegraph hill for a decade. LOVED IT. The walk to work downtown is a breeze. So much character. If we hadn’t had kids I don’t know if we ever would have left.
Just to note for the Marina suggestions (which I agree is a good place to look, but also does attract a certain character!), how will you get to work? If you plan on ubering every day you can do it in the under 20 minutes, but I was always surprised by how long my bussing Marina friends would take to get to/from their apts to downtown. You also can’t really walk easily from there – maybe on the way home if you have nowhere to be in a hurry.
Before you commit to the Marina, I would figure out if you’re a Marina Girl or not. :)
I would suggest looking at Hayes Valley and the Duboce Triangle. (Avoid Market Street though.) There are lots of restaurants in Hayes Valley and it’s a fun area for anyone new to the city. Some streets are quieter and more residential than others. It’s really easy to get downtown from Duboce Triangle (walking to the Financial District is maybe 20-30 minutes) and there are tons of MUNI options for days you don’t want to walk (it’s only a few minutes to get downtown on MUNI, at least when MUNI is working the way it should…which isn’t every day).
Agree with the other poster that SF streets have safety and quality of life issues, but I have never felt particularly unsafe in the city. I walk to work along Market Street during normal times and there are stretches that are definitely unpleasant and sad (so much human misery) but I don’t feel unsafe during daytime hours.
Also, if you prioritize access to parks for running, look at Cole Valley/Inner Sunset/Inner Richmond. Those are all pretty safe areas around Golden Gate Park, but the walk downtown would be longer (about 45 minutes, and uphill on the way home). The park is unbeatable for running (it’s huge!) and those areas have lots of restaurants. They’ll be foggier than other areas though, so if you’re someone who thrives on sunshine I would avoid.
I’ve lived in the Castro and the Mission too – the Mission is fun and has lots of good restaurants. It was great when I was in my 20s and went out a lot. Some streets are safer than others so I would talk to someone with local knowledge. The Castro felt very safe to me (and very easy access to MUNI downtown – probably the best commute I’ve had in SF) but it’s very geared towards men (although everyone is welcome, the gyms/restaurants/cafes very much cater towards gay men), so although I felt safe, I also felt a bit like an outsider (and my gay female roommate agreed).
I’ve lived in SF 12 years and I still dream of in-unit laundry. :)
+1
These are great recs.
Also agree with deciding if you are a Marina girl. It was a bit too much of a Frat boy scene for me. But I’m not a high flying Big Law person, so not sure your style.
And agree in-unit laundry can be tricky and I had to sacrifice that to get my own garage.
Hi fellow Bay Area-r! I agree with most of this, especially on if you move to the Mission really drilling down on a street by street basis as to if it’s safe or not.
I’m gonna disagree on the premise though that walking from the Inner Sunset/Inner Richmond to downtown is only 45 minutes. I just put the Inner Sunset to the BofA building in my google maps and it estimates the walk would take an hour and 40 minutes. As someone who used to live out that way, I have to agree.
I’m anon at 11.59 and you’re probably right. I used to walk from Cole Valley to Montgomery/California and I seem to remember it taking around 50-55 minutes or so, but I would wear sneakers and try to semi-power walk it. Inner Sunset or Inner Richmond would add some more time. And walking back would be a real drag.
I would not walk to work from the Richmond or sunset. That’s unrealistic for day to day. But for the Richmond, the 1 California and 38 Geary buses run all the time and make it do-able. But they can be slow.
I left the Richmond district to buy a house in Berkeley and my commute was actually quicker!
You could do north beach. That would be my choice. Make sure you research the neighborhood and don’t end up in the tenderloin (very few apartment listings say tenderloin when they are in fact in the tenderloin).
How about a shared apartment? Are you willing to share a kitchen and living room? Because your money would go a lot farther that way.
I would do a modern apartment in SOMA or South Beach. It’s really close to work, you can run on the waterfront, and the Ferry Building is great for food shopping and restaurants.
Friendly reminder to be nice to underlings, you never know who will successfully climb the ladder and be reviewing your resume one day. Signed an ex-admin who gleefully rejects applications from some of my old bosses.
And keep in mind that those of us in “underling” roles who have not yet climbed the ladder have long memories and will pay back your cruelty when you least expect it.
Word definitely gets around. I work in publishing and had an idiot as a boss at my last job (eventually canned after half of the senior editorial team left). Can’t tell you how many times I’m talking to someone at another publisher or in one of our association meetings and I’ll reference where I came from—they’ll ask if I worked with him—I’ll say briefly and there is silence. There are at least a dozen or more of “me” out there now thanks to this jackhole’s one year stint.
Also, for anyone who treats underlings like dirt, your peers notice you doing that too.
Does anyone here do keto? I am wondering what your favorite meals and snacks are on this diet. Thanks in advance!
I don’t do keto exactly but general low carb. I eat a lot of Whisps, babybel or similar small cheeses, chia/coconut milk pudding, and veggies with various dips.
I’ve been keto for about a year and a half and I highly recommend following the Ketodashians on IG and the blog I Breathe I’m Hungry for recipe ideas. I’ve also been able to find great Keto bread at ALDI and keto bagels from Thin Slims (on Amazon or in my grocery store) and keto cereal on Amazon or Whole Foods, which have made my life a lot easier as I can keep eating “normal” food while remaining in ketosis. Radishes and turnips are also great potato dupes! If you’re new to keto, eat foods that you find comforting or that you’d been craving before – I ate a lot of melted cheese and red meat my first few weeks on keto while I still found it really exciting. Now I’m a lot closer to just normal meat and veg and definitely don’t hit my fat macros anymore.
I have never cooked steak before and have a beginner question. I’m cooking for two people and my online grocery says one bone-in ribeye is 1.5 to 2 pounds. I imagine 6 – 8 oz. of meat per person is enough for us…but I don’t know how much weight the bone is. Is one bone-in ribeye enough for two people with average (closer to small/moderate than huge) appetites?
I will order a second steak if it’s borderline (don’t want to seem stingy) but don’t want to end up more meat than we know what to do with.
Bonus q: to serve one steak to two people do you just…cut it off the bone and cut it in two and plate it?
It really depends on the thickness of the cut, but I think 1.5-2 lbs of bone-in rib-eye would be enough for 2 people, even accounting for the bone, especially if you other dishes.
To plate, carve the (cooked) meat off the bone, trim the layer of fat from the edge, and slice the steak against the grain into thin strips. You can fan out the pieces and sprinkle kosher salt on top. If you don’t know your guest’s taste buds well, fan out the pieces and place salt in a pretty dish on the table with a small spoon and let them salt themselves.
Thank you!
Before cooking the steak I like to sprinkle it with sea salt or kosher salt and let it sit for 20-30 minutes. Before cooking rinse off the salt and pat dry. I find any cut of steak becomes more flavorful that way. Use a meat thermometer to check for your preferred level of doneness.
I would not do this! If you’ve never cooked steak I’d start with 2 filets, pre portioned. Much easier.
I’m a seasoned steak eater and swear by reverse searing. I also second buying two small pre-portioned filets.
A 1.5 lb rib eye is going to be a thick steak. Agree with another suggestion that you should just buy individually portioned steaks of normal thickness if you’re doing this for the first time.
Crap, I can’t seem to find this at the online grocer. Argh. But thank you for the input.
Haha found it! Thank you all, bought filet.
What are your favorite tops/dresses and jewelry for major conference presentations over Zoom? I need a couple new outfits for this.
I realize it’s $$ but the Fold is my go to for this sort of thing – major in person conferences or when I need to feel incredibly impressive. The belleville top is a solid piece and the crepe iterations are washable. I already have 2 other red/magenta tops otherwise I would be snapping this one up:
https://thefoldlondon.com/product/keystone-top-magenta-stretch-crepe/
This also looks amazing:
https://thefoldlondon.com/product/marylebone-dress-dark-green-silk-jersey/
I’ve gotten compliments on every single Fold piece I’ve ever worn, and the tailoring really is super high quality.
Oh my goodness.
My dream wardrobe.
Stuck in mod for the links, but check out the Fold. The Belleville top is a classic but all of their clothes are really just gorgeous, and high quality. Downside is cost, so I stalk their sale pieces ;)
I am a dress person in real life, but for Zoom I always wear a plain t-shirt with a blazer. I like the Going Out Blazer. Dresses don’t typically read as business formal over Zoom. Maybe something with sculptural fabric detailing near the neckline like some of the dresses from The Fold would work.
In real life I mostly wear delicate jewelry, but if you want it to show on Zoom it has to be bolder. I have been wearing my silver bead necklace.
For virtual, I do a nice blazer with a statement scarf or necklace.
My go tos tend to be the more tailored MM La Fleur dresses (wool gabardine if they have it) plus a blazer.
Oh wait, over zoom, just your best plain blouse with a blazer that doesn’t bunch up when you sit down (check this ahead of time) Wear earrings.
What would you say if anything? Friend has been desperate for a vaccine. I mean we all want/need it but she has been livid that she as a 50 year old (with I think some but not huge risk factors) is still waiting. Back in Dec-early Jan she was livid that her dr best friend couldn’t hook her up; meanwhile friend got it because she needed it — as a hospital based cardiologist. Then my friend was beyond annoyed that our state isn’t counting her job as law enforcement — she sits at a desk writing LEGAL briefs this equals LEO in her mind, but she was turned away from a few sites when she claimed LEO. Meanwhile we live in a state and county that’s moving at a good clip – as a 40 year old high risk person I just got a scheduling invite for next week and I presume she would’ve too. Yet yesterday I hear omg I got my shot. I was like oh cool you must be relieved. Turns out she went to a city outside our state – to a very poor part of town doing a walk in clinic. There she was able to tell them I work in law enforcement and get it. And then proceeds to tell me who she was nervous because it’s SUCH a bad area but hey she got it. I mean I guess this is allowed because they did give it to her but something about it feels wrong — to go take something allocated to people who have very little anyway rather than wait 5-10 days more for our relatively well to do county to get to us. What would you have said??
Why on earth are you friends with such an entitled nitwit?
This. I would have dropped her bases on her attempts to game the system. Not just when she was successful but I don’t have friends who are shitty people.
+1. The past year has revealed soooo many unexpectedly shitty people in my network & I have happily dumped every last one of them.
+1
And I don’t understand why you are posting multiple times about this person.
Time to leave her in the dust.
Nothing. I’m not in the business of picking fights with my friends just because I’m judging them. You got the vaccine! She got the vaccine! It’s over.
Agree with this. One doesn’t have to have opinions about everything.
Nothing, but she sounds like a pill. Not sure I would enjoy hanging out with somebody like that.
Yeah she sounds like a real pain in the a$s. WHY are you friends with her after all this?! Her behavior would give me real pause about her.
My conversation on vaccines these days is pretty much: “I do not currently qualify for the vaccine, but I will get it as soon as I qualify.” Yes, I am judging those who are acknowledging that they received a vaccine for which they do not yet qualify. Yes, I am throwing shade. Yes, they can ignore it, but I have learned helpful information about their true character.
Same here. I find that calling out this kind of clearly awful behavior in friends to rarely result in any changes. The friend knows what she did was wrong. I just use it as useful information for my future interactions and feelings toward this person. I have a friend who did something similar and I am just distancing myself from her as much as possible.
Agreed. In a way, this pandemic has done the work of revealing secretly crappy people that I don’t want to spend my valuable time with in the future. It’s also revealed a lot of quietly awesome people that I DO want to prioritize spending time with.
Yup. I always thought DH’s extended family was pretty annoying, but now I know that they are just really not great people, despite their posturing otherwise.
I’d overall just ignore her or ghost her. But, she very well may be considered law enforcement in your state. In mine, prosecutors get badges and are sworn law enforcement though I do not think they can make arrests and most do not go through police academy. Some states (and it sounds like yours is one) wasn’t considering law enforcement as a monolith. They were giving shots to people working high risk situations and not those working in offices. My state, however, just did a blanket “all law enforcement can get it” and they based the allocation on the number of sworn law enforcement and staff in the state. So if she’s back office writing briefs but technically LEO, I wouldn’t say she was gaming the system unless it expressly said street LEO only.
If she got turned away at numerous locations first, she likely wasn’t supposed to get it as LEO. Sounds like she purposely went to a neighborhood where people might be more intimated about rejecting an LEO.
She went to a different state, which probably has different rules.
Oof, I didn’t think of it that way at first (would be more intimated rejected a LEO) and you are very right.
This. In poorer neighborhoods, LEO do get more “deference.” I can see the front desk person not wanting to turn a claimed LEO away if only because they thought — hmm IDK if this person can pull up warrants or whatever, she’ll create a problem for some people here and we need to get them vaccinated and not get the reputation for the clinic you don’t want to go to because you may find a LEO on your cases. While OTOH in say Main Line Pa or Beverly Hills, the front desk person may not be as scared to say — look you’re an attorney but this phase is only for state, county and sheriffs police and prosecutors – show me a badge from 1 of those 4 agencies or go.
In a similar situation pre-pandemic, I stopped reaching out to said friend and let the friendship fizzle.
Does anyone have a gluten-free mug cake recipe that tastes good? I’ve tried several and they’re not good. But I like the idea of being able to make a fresh, single-serving treat with minimal work. Does not have to be chocolate, but must be gluten free. Yes, I want it all (fresh, tasty, and easy).
Ro’s mug cake recipes from Nerdy Nummies are really good. Could you try those with cup-for-cup GF flour? You can mix in baking soda, baking powder, and salt to sub for self-rising flour.
Have you tried any of the box ones specifically sold for this purpose? I think King Arthur might make them? I’ve never bought them because they all have dairy but they look awesome.
This recipe is good. Maybe you could use gluten free flour?
https://www.thecomfortofcooking.com/2013/05/1-minute-chocolate-chip-cookie-in-a-mug.html
is there a particular reason you are looking for a recipe vs buying a gf mix for this purpose? A quick run thru google indicates that a recipe is going to take longer and depending on how many ingredients you need to buy, may not be cheaper up front.
I know Udi’s, Birchbender (there’s is grain free, so gf by default), and King Arthur flour make mixes for this. You can buy some of them in bulk for a wholesale price when you’ve found one you like.
what’s a mug cake? Namaste GF chocolate cake mix is excellent. perhaps you can put it in a mug?
I posted about my mother renting to some church folks’ daughter who turned out to have mental illness, a criminal record, and drinks late into the night, and her parents and a church elder guilt tripping my mother into caring for her, and my mother’s inability to say no. Here is some recent update.
I called the woman’s parents asking them to take her back or find a place where she can live on her own. As expected, her parents were incredibly shameless and even said they hoped their daughter and my mother could take care of each other for the rest of their lives, and that we had an obligation to tolerate their daughter because she was “not normal.” I felt angry and helpless and ended up yelling at their daughter after another night where she drank a lot and woke us up at night, and then accused me of “making her feel uncomfortable” when I slipped a note under her door asking if she can be more quiet. So finally, her parents told her to go back home for a weekend and said they would find another place nearby my mother instead.
A few days later, the police showed up saying the woman had called 911 claiming that I assaulted her. After we explained everything, the police closed the case. The woman then had the audacity to say she was coming back and was entitled to stay at our place, on the same day she filed the police report. She had not even paid the rent for the month. I asked to see the lease, and my mother said she never signed a lease with this woman since she was recommended by a church elder. I googled this woman’s social media, and there were various posts in which she said anyone who gets in her way must die, and how she wants to watch their body parts sawed off. But because she has not yet made any specific threat against me, except filing a false police report, I don’t think I can file a restraining order. Meanwhile, my mother is constantly berating me and saying thus all happened because I yelled at her.
On the one hand, I really want to leave my mother and go back home, but I know if I leave, this woman and her shameless parents will try to move back or move somewhere close to my mother. This woman’s belongings are still at my mother’s house. I think we should pack them up, change the locks, and tell her/her parents to pick them up. But my mother thought this was rude and would exacerbate the situation. She does have a point—this woman is paranoid about other people touching her things, so if I pack her things for her, she probably will accuse me of who knows what. If we let her come back to get pick up her things, she will probably just come in and refuse to leave. Her parents will not pick up her things for mer. I called the police, who said they cannot do anything unless she makes a threat against me.
What are my options?
You can step back from the drama. Your mom is an adult. It’s her life to ruin if she wants. Obviously the answer is back her stuff, drop it off, change the locks, and get a security system. But it’s your mom’s house.
+1
Unless your mom is compromised in some way and can’t make decisions for herself, you don’t need to be involved in this.
You need to see about filing a restraining order against this woman. Pack your stuff and move out of your Mom’s house.
Unfortunately your Mom doesn’t seem to want help and is constantly berating you so I don’t think there is much you can do for her. All these people sound full of drama and unstable. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from the situation.
Yes to the restraining order
OMG.
I didnt’ see the original post, but with the info in this post, I’d absolutely pack up the woman’s things and tell her her things are outside on the curb and she can come get them. Preferably do it in the morning within a few hours of a rainstorm so she does it quickly and during daylight. Then I’d install a home alarm system and a Ring doorbell and bright security lights and anything else I could think and make sure your mother keeps it armed at ALL times. Your obligation is to your mother, not to the mentally disturbed woman. And your mom needs to leave whatever weird cultish church she’s in, too. (Because what respectable church does this to its members?)
This. Get your mom out of that shady AF church. Change the locks. Get a security system. Screenshot all the social media posts. Get a restraining order based on the false police report. Pack her stuff and mail it to her parents if it’s small enough or drop it to the church office for her to pick up. Do. Not. Have her come to the property again.
Communicate only with this woman in writing.
Ooh, yes, deliver them to the church office is WAY better. Neutral ground. (And they’re involved in this, so they can deal.) The minister needs to know what’s going on within his flock (and hopefully s/he could counsel the lady’s parents about better resources for someone with mental illness).
I’d use covid as an excuse to not even deal with the church people in person. Leave it outside the office during office hours and call to say it’s there once you are back home. Notify her in writing (email with minister cc’d) that her belongings are at church for collection.
Talk to a lawyer first. She may have tenant’s rights. OP said she hasn’t paid her rent which makes it sound like she is a tenant.
I’m sorry you’re going through this; it sounds terrible and your mom is not the right person to provide the types of supports this woman clearly needs. Landlord tenant law is state specific, but in my state it is illegal to use “self help” to evict a tenant. Not to mention there is an eviction moratorium in place. Maybe there’s an argument that she moved out or abandoned the tenancy but maybe not. And just because there is no lease and this was an informal arrangement doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not a tenant. What I’m trying to say is, you may want to contact a lawyer who represents landlords before you change locks and remove her stuff, because doing so could potentially be breaking the law and put your mom at risk of legal liability.
But with legal liability isn’t the worst case that she’d have to pay the woman a few months rent? I’d change the locks and take the chance on that.
She needs to consult an attorney to determine her potential legal liability. I do some pro bono eviction defense, and if a LL locks out a client, we counsel them to call the police. I believe the police then make the LL let the tenant back into their home and the LL must then go through a legal eviction process. You don’t get to just change the locks and pay someone off.
OP, I totally have sympathy for your situation, really and truly. But you do need to go about this the right way.
This is nuts. A person renting a room in another person’s home is much, much different from someone renting an apartment in which the landlord also lives. So if you rent out a room you lose all rights to personal safety? Yet another reason why it’s best to live alone.
Even a person who’s not paying rent may have tenant rights
OK, I don’t want to detract from OP’s problem or get into an argument. But. No, of course you do not lose all rights to personal safety. But if you take on a tenant, you are granting them a right to possession of whatever form of housing (house, apartment, spare room, whatever) and that includes the right to not be locked out of their home without due process. If you need to take legal action, including eviction, to protect yourself, then you need to do it legally because the rights of both parties must be balanced. Again, how this works may vary by state. I don’t know about if or how a restraining order might play into this, I’m just addressing the advice to change the locks, which I think is poor advice.
I agree with you that it’s an extremely difficult situation and would not personally take a renter into my home absent some extenuating circumstances I can’t even imagine right now. In particular, people with mental health and substance abuse issues can be very hard to house because there often are behavioral problems like we are seeing here, and they often end up homeless as a result. It’s a really tough problem because, again like we’re seeing here, it can also become quite distressing for the LL. I do not think OP or her mother are the ones to address this woman’s issues and agree with all advice to distance from the church and this other family. But I think they should handle the eviction aspect legally. That’s all!
It definitely does not work like this in my city. Police do not insert themselves into landlord tenant disputes.
OP’s mom just tells the police the facts – let this lady stay as a favor to her parents, no lease, she doesn’t pay rent, she left and doesn’t want her back. I can’t see how this lady could prove she is a tenant to the police such that they would require the mom to allow her in vs telling the alleged tenant to take it up with the residential tenancies board
To @ 1:47 – yes. You can evict for any reason but they must be given 30 days notice in a shared house situation in my state. 7 days if you can prove to a court there was good cause. With the 30 days, you don’t have to go to court and the police can remove them at the end of the 30 days.
Agree with this 100%. You may well be past the point of self-help.
And also I agree with the post above about your mom being an adult who is an adult who is free to manage her affairs as she sees fit, whether or not you agree.
I found a DBT skills workshop somewhat helpful when I had family in an abusive roommate situation.
Fight fire with fire. Get that restraining order and file elder abuse charges against the church. Don’t just leave yourself in the position of defending yourself and your mother against their accusations. Accuse right back. And spread it on social media, because shame on these people. Their community needs to know.
Thank you all for this very helpful advice. I really appreciate this community. I think I’m going to stop thinking about this and let my mother deal with the moving out process. It does seem immediate eviction is impossible, because she has a right to stay for 30 days where we are. In the meantime, I will limit all of my contact with her through writing. So if she threatens me personally or file additional false police reports against me, I will have evidence to file a restraining order against her. I’m not sure about filing elder abuse charges against her and her parents, because my mother is recently widowed and in a very isolated situation, so her church community is her only social contact. I normally live far away from her and don’t want to isolate her further.
Is it possible your mom can sell this house and relocate, either in a nearby area or where you live? If she moves to your city, she would be less isolated.
It would be difficult. She is quite attached to it. But I’m hoping I can somehow broaden her social circle more so her church community will not be her only community.
I think the healthiest decision is to never have the woman move back in again, and execute your plan change the locks, etc. However, your mother may make a different choice. You cannot personally make your mother end her relationship with this woman. You can change the locks, but your mom could give her the new set of keys.
As an aside, I know someone who regularly has homeless people stay at his home. From time to time, one of them will rob him. He never stopped having other homeless people stay with him. Not something I could tolerate, but that was his choice.
I would show your mom the social media posts and tell her you are worried about her safety and well-being, but you respect that she is an adult who makes her own decisions. If your mother does not need any major loans (home, car, etc), I would help her freeze her credit. Offer to keep important documents for her so that the woman cannot take them. Tell her that if things go south, you will be there for her and not judge her. Then, move back home and live your life.
Threading fail…
This is great advice for an impossible situation.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I’m just going to keep my mouth shut about it going forward, but I need to stay here until the pandemic ends to make sure the woman won’t move back again. I am responsible for her especially since my dad warned me about her issue with saying no before he passed. At this point, I am considering moving back to her city so I can prevent something similar from happening again.
You are not responsible for your mother. She is an adult and entitle to make her own bad decisions, unless she is incompetent and needs a guardian in which case the guardian gets to make and enforce the decisions.
Filler Question: I recently consulted with a plastic surgeon and a dermatologist about general anti-aging. Both independently recommended tear trough filler, and I’m thinking about having it done. Which doctor would you go to for this? I believe at the surgeons office it is an injector nurse who does it, and at the derm the doctor does it. The derm is very cosmetically oriented and I’ve been impressed with his eye and skill overall. The plastic surgeon did my rhinoplasty recently, which looks incredible, and is offering a 10% discount. I have no experience with the nurse.
I would probably go with the person who does injections all day long, which sounds like it’s the nurse.
+1. The place I go is mostly nurses (although the person I see is coincidentally a PA) and injections is all they do. I’d value experience over degrees on this one.
My first comment is “ouch!”
My second comment is to agree with the others. See someone who does this so often they’re bored by it.
BUT, if you recently had rhinoplasty and are riding on the high of your improved appearance from that, it’s easy to get talked into further procedures, chasing that same high. It happens all the time and is why there’s a show called Botched about plastic surgery addicts. Very few of them are first time patients.
Think carefully whether this is something you would have done, independently of your new relationship with your plastic surgeon.
I’d go with the plastic surgeon – assuming he does the tear trough filler through a cannula and doesn’t inject directly in to the undereye area. Many docs won’t do tear trough filler due to risks and the cannula process is even harder to find BUT it means NO BRUISING and fewer risks.