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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 156 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Stone Pendant Long Necklace

Coffee Break· Under $150

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

    • BigMed

      great article. thanks for posting. i hadn’t quite processed my role as a mentor that way but it is true.

  2. Hollis

    TJ – how do you prevent split-ends? I switched to a haircut that requires blowdrying with a round brush daily in order to look right, and I noticed split-ends within a few weeks! I couldn’t believe how quickly they appeared. Does anyone else have this problem and how have you managed to deal with it? Thanks.

    • anonypotamus

      I encounter split ends a lot (mostly because I am lazy and don’t get my hair cut as often as I should). I just started using Aussie 3-minute miracle deep conditioner and it has actually made a noticeable difference in my split ends. It may not have actually fixed them, but it definitely made them less obvious. My hair looks smoother, shinier, and healthier. I use it for 2-3 minutes every time I was my hair (probably 3-4 times/week). I have also heard that moroccan oil can help but have not had any personal experience with that.

    • Anon

      This may not be entirely helpful given your second sentence, but when I stopped blowdrying my hair, I noticed an immediate improvement in its overall health.

      • Anonymous

        Seconded. Any kind of heat protectant spray or serum before you blowdry. Another tip is to use indirect heat to mostly dry your hair and use direct heat only to style at the very end. I have mid-back length wavy/frizzy hair that I blow-dry and flat-iron almost daily. I dry it to barely damp and then use the round brush to make it smooth.

        • Ginjury

          I agree with all of the above. If I can, I try to let my hair air dry as much as possible before blow drying it. I really like Redken Smooth Lock Heat Glide as a heat protectant serum. I apply it to damp hair (about 3″ of ends) right before I blow dry. Since I started using it, I’ve been able to go 8 wks between trims without crazy split ends.

    • goldribbons

      I use a shower comb to comb my hair before I get out of the shower and find that helps tremendously. Hair is more breakable when it’s sopping wet, so consider using a wide-toothed comb for the first brush.

      • Mpls

        That’s more for breakage (the hair shaft breaking off up the strand) rather than split ends (the ends of the hair get dried out and split).

  3. zora

    Sad Threadjack –

    Some of you might have already heard, but sadly, NOLA’s father passed away very unexpectedly this weekend. She is home with family now and everyone is together, but she gave us permission to post here and let everyone know. She could use lots of extra internet hugs and love this week if everyone could send some her way.

    Just post here and we will make sure she gets all the messages, or you can email me at zoradances at the google mail and I will make sure to pass all messages on to her.

    I know she is glad to have this little online community, and she has been there for a lot of us during hard times, so I hope this will help her get through this difficult time. Thanks everyone.

    • Anon in NYC

      Oh, NOLA, I’m so sorry for your loss. You are a huge part of this community, and we’re thinking of you.

    • BMBG

      NOLA, my condolences for your loss. Please know we’re thinking about you and wish you and your family the best.

    • Susedna

      NOLA, you have my deepest sympathies. I’ll be thinking of you and your family. Please take good care of yourself. Bighugs.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      NOLA, so very sorry for your loss, and I’m thinking good thoughts for you and your family.

    • saacnmama

      NOLA, lots of internet hugs to you! Most of us experience the passing of our parents, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Sending you my sympathy in this difficult time!

    • Bonnie

      Hugs to NOLA. It’s very difficult to lose a parent but I can say that every day it hurts just a little bit less.

    • a.k.

      My condolences to you, NOLA. Lots of hugs, sympathy, and support across this site for you.

    • Sydney Bristow

      NOLA I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.

    • eek

      NOLA – I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. Please update us as you can. xoxo

    • MaggieLizer

      So sorry to hear about this, NOLA, my thoughts are with you and your family.

    • SoCalAtty

      Oh, NOLA, I’m so sorry to hear this! Big internet hugs and good thoughts going your way…

    • anonypotamus

      Sending good thoughts to you from the West Coast. I am so sorry for your loss. It’s never easy, and is especially hard when it happens so suddenly. Please take care of yourself and please reach out if you need anything. Hugs.

    • Senior Attorney

      Big hugs to you in this sad time, NOLA. It’s always too soon to lose someone we love, especially when it’s unexpected. Please take good care of your sweet self.

    • just Karen

      NOLA – I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through. You are one of the wise, wonderful women in my life (even though you have no idea who I am), and I am sure that to have been a part of creating someone who has touched so many anonymous internet lives, your father must have been very special as well. I hope you are able to take good care of yourself through this difficult time – tea and wine and cookies and long walks and lots and lots of hugs…I hope you get everything you need right now.

    • TO Lawyer

      NOLA – I am so sorry for your loss. Internet hugs sent your way – you’ve been such a strong pillar of support to this community and I hope we can repay a tiny bit of that to you in this difficult time. xoxo

    • AFT45

      NOLA, I am so sorry to hear about your father. You provide so much support to this community and I hope those around you are giving you the same. My thoughts are with you.

    • NOLA

      Thank you so much, all of you. I only have a minute but wanted to acknowledge all of you. This is wonderful. It was a horrible shock. My Dad was in great shape and seemed to be loving his life. He and my stepmother were to leave for Paris on Wednesday. A trip of a lifetime. He was at the first hole of the golf course with a bunch of his buddies (including a doctor) and he just suddenly collapsed. They think he was gone before he hit the ground. I guess I should be glad that I was on vacation and close enough to get here quickly and be involved in everything that needs to be done.

      Again, you all are wonderful.

      • emeralds

        Oh, NOLA, I’m so sorry to hear this. All of my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

      • January

        How terrible and shocking for you and your family. I’m always hesitant to add in on conversations like this, because what is there to say that hasn’t been said, but please know that there is another stranger on the Internet thinking of you tonight.

      • AIMS

        So deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my father very suddenly too (not quite as quickly as you, but in just over a week) and while there’s nothing to say to make it better, I always take comfort in the fact that he didn’t suffer much and died without going through all the indignities of a long, slow death. Of course that still leaves us all behind to do the suffering, but it’s always helped me feel some measure of peace with it. May you and your family find solace in this difficult time. Big, big hugs.

        • NOLA

          AIMS, this is so true and thank you. We went through the long horrible illness with my Mom 24 years ago and that’s not what my Dad would have wanted. In fact, his mother had Alzheimer’s and lived to be 99 and he so dreaded that that might happen to him. He died on the golf course and that’s how he would have wanted it. It’s just still so shocking.

          • Mighty Mouse

            Just adding Internet hugs to the gang already here. I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

      • Island girl

        Oh, Nola, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds though that your father was living a rich and happy life. So he had no fear, no or minimal pain, and for him –and only him –he went well. Now you and your family have to carry on and learn to live your lives without him.

        A hospice worker told me to try to put my feelings in a journal — for me it helped to put thoughts in poetry as I worked thru the untimely death of my mother.

        Please accept my big clean shinning hugs, lots and lots of them.

        Take care of yourself.

    • Plan B

      NOLA, I am so, so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    • Susie

      NOLA, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, especially right before Father’s Day and his big trip. Thinking of you and your family – I can only imagine how hard this must be.

      • Sweet knee

        NOLA: so sorry for your loss. Please know that I am thinking of you often.

    • Michelle

      Hugs, NOLA…. Very sorry for your loss. Sending good wishes your way for comfort in times of trouble and strength in times of pain…

    • Houston Attny

      NOLA, I’m so very sorry to hear this news. You are so often the voice of funny/support/wisdom, and you are valuable to us! Please know we’ll be here to hopefully offer support to you as you have to so many. In the meantime, I am thinking of you. And I’m truly so sorry.

    • Silvercurls

      NOLA, I’m so sorry you lost your father. May you be comforted by family, friends, and good memories. Take good care of yourself. We are here when you need us.

    • anon2

      So sorry to hear this NOLA. May your happy memories of your Dad sustain you through this difficult time.

    • MU JD

      NOLA, so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. Layoff Support?

    So, DH was told on Friday that come July 1, he’ll no longer be getting a paycheck. We aren’t really that surprised; he took a job at a startup after business school, and we knew this would be a high risk/high reward situation. Timing isn’t great, since I’m pregnant and due in the fall.

    We can live off my salary, but only by ratcheting down to a fairly “bare bones” budget (contributing to retirement, but not as aggressively as we’d like; paying off student loans, but not aggressively as we’d like, no $$ for extras, etc.) We’re also midway through a big home improvement project that went on hold as soon as we got word that the job would be over. It’s not like we’re living with walls halfway up, but let’s just say our unfinished basement is now only a SEMI finished basement….

    What’s the best way to support DH as he starts to look for a new gig? He’s feeling a lot of pressure, since he spent 2 years not working/working on his MBA, then spent a year earning below market rate at a startup that ceased to start, and now he has a pregnant wife at home, etc. etc.

    Honestly, if the situation were reversed, I’d give some long hard thought to taking some time off to be a semi-stay-at-home mom, but DH just finished grad school and needs to get back out in the market. Plus, if he’s still not working by the time I’m out on maternity leave, we may drive each other crazy in the house all day!!

    • Ellen

      Hug’s to you and DH and the baby that is comeing soon! He will get another job, after all he has a MBA, and that is a very valuable tool. Dad has one from Harvard and he swear’s by it. He wanted ME to get a MBA, but I am NOT that good with number’s.

      I am so busy now. The manageing partner said that he has a new cleint that want’s to borrow $13 million from a group of investors and they want to useing the cleint’s Intellectual Property as COLLATERAL. The manageing partner asked me to draft a form agreement to do this. I told him I NEVER did a bank loan agreement. He said there must be form’s I should look for on the INTERNET. HELP!!!!

      Does anyone in the HIVE have a bank loan form I can copy, so that ALL I have to do is FILL in the partie’s? Also, where can I figure out what Intellectual Property is Collateral? FOOEY!

    • EB0220

      Something very similar happened during my pregnancy (husband was laid off at the beginning of my 3rd trimester). It was pretty stressful, but he accepted a new position after only a month or so of being unemployed. First, you might want to talk about the parameters of the search. Are you willing to relocate? What fields/job types does he prefer? Is travel ok? We basically took the approach of applying to everything that was remotely possible/interesting/relevant and seeing what stuck. I did resume/cover letter cleanup, reached out to my contacts, searched and shared job listings (we each took charge of certain job posting sites). Overall, I tried to stay positive and help with stress relief – encourage him to talk about interviews, frustrating, etc. when it was helpful but also encouraged him to work out or go out with friends when he needed a distraction. Overall, I would also try to alleviate the pressure. You will deal with baby, maternity leave, etc as it comes so don’t try to project different situations too far ahead. Sorry this is stream of consciousness, but maybe there are some helpful ideas here. Hugs and good luck!!

    • Diana Barry

      Sorry about your H’s job. Startups are inherently risky, and I think that hiring people should understand that. (note, however, he should be prepared to discuss his role, if any, in the company’s failure and why the startup didn’t succeed)

      It depends on what kind of person your H is. Will he be happiest if you are working on solutions together, if you help him brainstorm places to apply, etc.? Or will he like it better if you just check in with him every once in a while? He might need distractions – fixing up the baby’s room or doing some DIY work on the home improvement project to move it along? Or the projects in the house might make him feel more pressured. You probably know him best and the kinds of things that might best support him, and asking him about it might also be helpful (“would you like it if I did X or Y or Z”, etc.).

      My husband likes to vent about his work troubles and I am always the one looking for a way to “fix it”. I often feel like we’re reversing our stereotypical gender roles here, because he just wants to vent and doesn’t necessarily want me to fix it; your H may have a different approach.

      • Layoff Support?

        I think you’re right; it’s important to talk about why the startup didn’t pan out. It’s actually a tricky question since they are infact continuing on with the company, but only those that are willing to take a 100% paycut are staying on. We discussed this from the outset, and this is not an option for us (honestly, I don’t think they’re going much of anywhere, but that’s besides the point). So he will TECHNICALLY be “employed” for as long as he wants to go in and work; he’ll just be looking for another job. They are fine with this arrangement. It does, however, make networking a bit of a problem since the company hasn’t really officially called it quits, he’s going to be choosing his words carefully when talking to connections about a new role so he doesn’t throw the old company under the bus.

        If I give him projects, he will literally re-do the entire house in order to avoid a job search :) Luckily, he knows that. We’re talking more about a schedule where he goes *out* of the house to network/sit anywhere but at home and do Official Job Searching Things for part of the day, then can come back and do house projects (which, if he didn’t work, he’d do all day long happily).

    • TBK

      For the first few weeks, don’t do anything. Don’t ask him if he applied to any jobs. Don’t ask if he called this person or that person. Don’t offer to help him with anything. Ask how his day was. If he volunteers information about his job search, ask the kind of follow up questions you’d ask a good friend (i.e., somone you love but whose income has no effect on you). Assure him that you know the three of you (including baby) will be fine. After a couple of weeks, ask him what you can do to be the most helpful to him. Does he want you to help look for openings? Does he want you to reach out to your network? Can you proof read applications? Does he want you to help keep him accountable (e.g., for sending out X applications per week, or emailing the people he said he was going to email)? Then do the things he’s specifically said would be helpful.

      Also, have a conversation about housework now. Does he intend to do more of it while he’s at home? How much? What’s reasonable? What about baby prep? Especially stuff he was probably going to be responsible for eventually (e.g., setting up the crib, if he’s the one who usually puts together furniture).

      Overall, show faith in him. Show that you have faith that he’s working hard to find work, that he’s attractive to employers, that he knows what he’s doing. He’s probably worried that you feel he’s letting you and the baby down, and that you feel resentful that he’s sitting around all day while you’re working (and pregnant). Let him know that you think he’s just as great as ever, because he’s going to need that self confidence for his interviews.

      • Layoff Support?

        So he’s not actually going to be unemloyed, necessarily, per-se. He’s getting a paycheck through the end of July, at which point the company is out of money. Some folks are staying on and working for free; some are leaving. They’ve offered that anyone leaving is welcome to use the office for work/job search space through the month of July, since their lease is paid through then.
        I think DH will end up formally filing for unemployment once the money stops, so at that point he’ll be technically unemployed.

        We know the drill of sitting at home all too well, since we went through a 2-month post-MBA period where he was not employed, and it drove me INSANE. We’ve learned from that lesson.

        • Layoff Support?

          (Part of me just wishes he skipped the MBA, worked his old job for the past 3 years, then could be a rockstar stay at home dad! Our cashflow situation would be vastly different if we had 3 extra years of savings + no MBA debt! But…water under the bridge)

    • MJ

      I work in Silicon Valley, and the situation you are describing with the Co is much more common than you think. The company is essentially in its death throes unless it gets financing. I think it would be pretty easy for him to sell that he wanted a “get his hands dirty/jack of all trades” role at a startup, but the startup is having difficulty raising its next round (true) and as he has a baby on the way, he’s looking for something more traditional/narrow/etc. This will not be a hard sell as long as he can get his foot in the door or explain a portion of that in his cover letter. Also, he should hit his MBA network HARD. I agree with all of the advice regarding not inserting yourself into his jobsearch, but part of that amazing MBA is the amazing alumni network, so that’s where he should go first. Also, have him think really hard along the lines of industry/function/geography (for his search) so he can articulate how that awesome network can help him move toward what he wants in those areas of his search. Those people can open their rolodexes too. Startups fail. It happens. His classmates will surely know he’s a good dude and smart and a hard worker and all that good stuff and help. They would from my school.

  5. Bonnie

    If my stylist is tweaking my bangs because I was not happy with them, should I tip even though I just paid $70 for the cut two weeks ago?

    • Anonymous

      Are you unhappy with the bangs you asked for because it turns out they just don’t look right on your face at that length or you can’t be bothered with the extra effort required to style them (i.e., straightening or curling or product you don’t otherwise do)? If yes, I would tip something small. Or are you unhappy with the bangs he cut because they are not cut technically correctly? If that, I would not tip but be very grateful for the fix, and if I needed a product they sell, perhaps pick that up while in the salon.

    • eek

      I’d be inclined to if you plan on staying with this stylist to maintain the relationship and if you walked out without asking for a fix (Sometimes I don’t realize I don’t like something until I’ve slept on it, so I understand the situation). I’m sorry you’re not happy with your bangs and hope it’s a quick fix.

    • Bonnie

      My reply disappeared. He did it in about 2 minutes; just immediately started cutting because he was not happy with them either! I did not leave a tip but did make an appointment for my next overpriced haircut.

      • zora

        I think you did right. I wouldn’t have tipped in that situation, either. He gave you good customer service, and in return he now knows you’ll be back and spend more money. I sometimes tip my stylist for bang trims, just because I really really love her, but I don’t think you have to here.

  6. anon and very very stressed

    Need some advice.

    A year or so ago, my cousin asked me (well didn’t even ask, but just kind of assumed and stated) that I would be her maid of honor in her wedding (something along the lines of “just so you know, you’re my maid of honor”).

    We’re “close,” but we definitely don’t speak to each other often except every couple of months to check in, and we see each other on big holidays (Christmas and Easter). While I expected she’d want me to be her maid of honor, I didn’t want to–AT ALL. But I didn’t feel like I’d be able to decline at the time (especially considering that she didn’t even ask). So I bregudingly excepted. Mind you, I had no idea what being a maid of honor would entail. As a bit of background, I was still in law school at the time and had NO IDEA what my work schedule at a big firm would be like. I also live 600+ miles away from the bride and the other bridesmaids.

    Fast forward a year. I have an incredibly busy job that I started several months ago (12+ hours a day plus weekends). She keeps texting me about trying on dresses, coordinating with other bridesmaids (who I barely know) about showers, etc.

    First, I am not a very “girly girl” to begin with so I don’t even want to participate. I never wanted to.
    Second, I live hundreds of miles and many states away from the future bride and her friends/other bridesmaids, which makes this coordination 23894723897489 times more difficult.
    Third, I know that I have to help out, but I don’t have time with work to take on the extra responsibility.

    The wedding is less than a year away, and I’m stressed and panicky and don’t know how to deal with the situation. ANY advice would be welcome. Even if it’s telling me to hush up, suck it up, and be supportive and do what I need to do to keep the future bride happy. In all honesty, I’d love to pass the baton to some other bridesmaid who actually knows these other women and lives near my family member. HELP!

    • TBK

      Why don’t you suggest to your cousin that, while you are so honored that she wanted you for MOH, that you wonder if it might be easier on everyone if one of the girls who lives closer took the reins. It sounds like you’re pretty passive on all this. Tell her you love her and are so excited for her wedding, but here’s what your schedule is like and you just don’t want to let her down. Tell her what you can and can’t do (e.g., you can try on your dress at a local bridal salon and you can travel for her shower etc., but you really can’t coordinate all of them). It’s not fair to her to let her think it’s all fine with you while you’re slowly smoldering with resentment. It’s much better for everyone if you’re just honest. You were in law school and didn’t have any idea what your job would be like; I’m assuming she’s a non-lawyer so she probably has even LESS idea.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I agree. I’d also suggest getting all the contact info for all the bridesmaids and then coordinate things via email so you can be involved on your own schedule as possible.

        One potential issue though is that she may have chosen you because you are the organized or leadership type person.

        In any case, you need to make clear to her what you can and cannot do. I’d go so far as to discuss the fact (if true) that you can attend either the shower or bachelorette party but not both. Hopefully she will be understanding about this.

    • saacnmama

      I didn’t do those kind of weddings either, but your idea of finding someone closer to everyone else makes sense. Perhaps you could contact the other bridesmaids asking if any of them would like to be local coordinator, so you don’t slow things down for them. You could also do a few of the traditional MOH things and see how they fly–make a reservation at a restaurant for a shower (seriously, just call up the place that comes to mind first), make some comment about sorry you can’t have it in your home so far away, and they’ll either agree with the plan or someone will offer to have it at her house–at which point she becomes responsible for all the details. Brides famously gripe over all sorts of details, but when you think about it, the basics don’t have to take that long, do they? And being so far away gives you a perfectly good reason to have them fill in the fine points.

    • HSAL

      She needs to chill and not expect you to do anything beyond show up and smile. You don’t HAVE to help out. Sure, it’s nice if you can, but it’s not a job requirement.

      For the dresses, do you have any trips near the bride planned soon? It seems like she’d appreciate if you joined in the “fun” of the dress-hunt, but I don’t think it’s something to make a special trip out of. If you can’t make it home, tell her to go on without you and she can send you pictures of dresses she likes. As far as the shower, she needs to recognize that you guys don’t owe her a shower. You’re free to say (to her or the other bridesmaids) that you can’t be involved with throwing a shower. It’d be nice if you could attend, but overall just be upfront about what you can and can’t do as far as wedding assistance goes.

      **Apologies if this shows up twice. I got a “posting too quickly” error message despite not having posted for several days.

      • Yeah But....

        OP also needs to be honest about not wanting to do it and not being able to make the logistics work.

        Seriously demerits to all – the cousin for just assuming and throwing the responsibility on the OP, and to the OP for not having the backbone to speak up. Sheesh.

        • L

          +1.

          You also don’t mention how close/far the wedding is. Less than a year away – months, weeks? I assume it’s months, but you need to tell her sooner rather than later.

          Also, I get it – weddings can be a pain in the a** and aren’t for everyone, but when you decline, you should try to take the exasperated tone out. You had over a year to decline.

    • DC Wonkette

      As someone who just got married, I did not expect my long distance MOH to do much besides try on a dress at a store in her area and show up an extra day before the wedding for a special lunch. I would think through what’s reasonable for you to take on and talk to one of her close friends in her local area to see if she can help with the rest. The fact that you went out of your way to find someone else to pick up some of the other duties will make her feel better (instead of just dropping it on her to do) and will result in everyone having clear expectations about their responsibilities.

    • planning a wedding

      I can totally understand feeling icky about this situation. Without knowing your cousin, it’s hard to know how she’ll react because some brides get intense about their wedding. I think being honest, but gentle, is always a good policy. Keep in mind that she’s probably super stressed, too, with all the wedding details.

      Not sure if it’s an option, but you might consider hiring a wedding/party planner just for the tasks that you are responsible for. That might be a way to avoid an awkward conversation? I have a wedding planner who does customized packages, and she would definitely do something like that. She is a total stress reliever, and not as expensive as you might think. Also, if your cousin doesn’t already have one, you could hire the planner to also be the day-of coordinator as a wedding gift to your cousin.

      Good luck!

    • Bonnie

      I wish that judges would impose dress codes for men and women. Nothing too severe but I see way too many women who appear in court in club wear, tank tops or cardigans. I know that court appearances come up unexpectedly sometimes but it’s not that hard to throw on a jacket.

    • TBK

      If this is true, that I’m with him 100%: “The unanimous opinion was that the women attorneys were not being held to the same standard as the men.” We’re officers of the court. We take an oath. It’s a responsibility and a privilege. We should look like we appreciate that fact.

    • Diana Barry

      Who are these attorneys who go to court in sweatpants? And no jackets?

      • TBK

        I saw some of that in family court when I was in law school. The male lawyers wore suits. The female lawyers wore…whatever they found on the bedroom floor that morning, apparently.

      • Lyssa

        I’ve never seen sweatpants, but I have seen female attorneys arguing in court without a jacket or anything covering their arms. When I was clerking (trial court level, in Tennessee), I often thought that it was interesting that it was almost always completely obvious among males who was an attorney and who was a client/witness/supporter, but with females, it very often wasn’t. Personally, I found that troubling, as I want to be treated with the same respect as male attorneys, and definitely believe I should be held to the same standards.

      • Senior Attorney

        I recently saw a young female attorney try a case in leggings-that-are-not pants and bedhead hair. Scary.

        • saacnmama

          Senior Attorney, glad you’re around with your snappy attitude! I hope everything is going well, or at least as well as it can, for you right now.

        • BankrAtty

          Good gracious. I have never seen anything like this in bankruptcy court!

    • Cornellian

      This makes me glad I am a transactional lawyer.

      But it is an interesting point. Even in my business-leaning business casual office, dressing is more or less a “check the box” matter for men (slacks? nice shoes? long-sleeve button-down shirt? Congrats, you’re professional!), whereas women have more freedom (and more ways to get it very, very wrong).

    • Amelia Bedelia

      If men are required to wear a suit jacket, women should be required to do so as well.
      period.
      I noted that in a write up in the Tennessee, the same judge fined a male attorney for not wearing a blazer. With that in mind, I support the move.

    • LLBMBA

      This makes me happy that we robe – takes all of the guesswork out of it!

          • Jo March

            Oooh, I didn’t know that! Is that officially limited to QC’s or could I decide to spend a ridiculous amount of money for silk robes now (not that I would…as a criminal lawyer, I’m a long way from being in QB often enough to need anything better than the polyester!)

          • Equity's Darling

            I’m pretty sure only QCs and judges get to wear silks….I could be wrong, but I think you may be out of luck (at least until you become a QC….)

  8. EmilyD

    I just received a pair of strappy suede sandals (say that three times fast) that I ordered online, and I am deeply in love with them … but the straps are tight on my feet. I can’t go up a size (this pair is already a half size bigger than what I usually get).

    I can try getting them stretched, but … how much is this realistically going to do? Should I be reasonable and return them? They were expensive.

    Many thanks in advance.

    • anon

      why can’t you go up a size? if the straps are too tight, the shoe is probably too small. i would do that before getting them stretched.

      • Orangerie

        Not necessarily. I have slightly wider than average feet so sometimes shoes fit me perfectly length-wise but are just a bit tight elsewhere.

        EmilyD, I’ve had great results getting shoes stretched out a bit at the cobbler. Provided they aren’t unreasonably tight to begin with, you should be able to make yours much more comfortable by going this route.

          • EmilyD

            Thank you! I’ll give it a go. My feet are shaped like inverted triangles, so shoes are often too tight in width even when length is fine. I think these look a smidge too long as is, and if I get a bigger size it’s going to be really noticeable. But I’m going to try stretching!

  9. Anonymous

    Regular poster going anon for this. This is a really weird situation that I have no idea how to advise my friend on.

    A good friend has been having some marital problems (she got married about a year ago). She told me that her husband told her a few months ago that he no longer believed in monogamy, and wanted them to become polyamorous (only with women though). She grew up pretty conservative and religious, and I think really *doesn’t* want this, but at the same time, I think she really loves her husband and feels pressure to make her marriage work. He apparently is pressuring her to look online or suggest mutual friends that would be up for something like this and isn’t letting the subject drop.

    I think her husband’s being a jerk, as he is telling her that being poly is a sexual orientation, like being gay or straight, and she shouldn’t judge him on it. I think she should TOTALLY call him out on dropping a bomb like this after they were married (whether he can help it or not). I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have wanted to marry him in the first place if he had told her this is how he envisioned marriage.

    FWIW, I don’t think her husband is just looking for the gardening aspect of it. Apparently, he really believes it is unhealthy for two people to be monogamous to one another in ANY way, and would like to add people into their relationship emotionally as well as physically.

    I have no idea if/what to advise her on this. I want to tell her to JSFAMO but I think I may be seeing red a bit that her husband is doing this – she definitely seems trapped and confused and my natural instinct is to tell her to GTFO of her relationship, which I know she doesn’t want to do. I told her she should try counseling with him, and apparently he is resistant since he thinks a counselor will not understand the lifestyle he wants to build. If anyone has any resources about relationships like these that I could pass on, please let me know.

    • Eleanor

      That is insane, to drop something like that on a person after marriage. I am definitely not a person to leap to divorce as a first, or even second, solution to marital problems, but it sounds like he led her into the marriage under false pretenses. If your friend and her husband married in a church that does annulment, this sounds like grounds for an annulment, since at the time of marriage they did not consent to the same thing (that is, he did not consent to monogamy).

      Counseling sounds like about the only thing to do, but if he refuses to go I don’t know what option there is other than leaving him. Allowing him to pressure her into unwelcome sexual activities would be abuse.

    • Anonymous

      This is not good of him. I think there are healthy ways to be poly, but he’s not doing it: a) like you mention, he dropped this on her after they got married; b) saying it can only be women is controlling and degrading (he’s saying that he can’t trust her with other men but she should trust him with other women); c) he is pressuring her into it – anyone who’s honestly into being poly (or, you know, respecting your partner) should know that it needs to be entirely consensual. If she hasn’t already, she absolutely needs to frame this about him respecting her boundaries and at the VERY LEAST giving her time to work through this.

      I agree that this sounds like a deal-breaker for her and they’re probably going to end up incompatible if he sticks to it, BUT if she is open to learning more, there’s no harm in that. As someone who’s not poly but is interested in learning about it, I found Tristian Taormino’s “Opening Up” book to be really educational (and respectful of monogamous people, which isn’t always true of poly literature). It has interviews with actual poly folks and goes into the different styles that work for different people. I know I’ve got some resources at home but can’t google them right now at work… I can come back later with some links. And if they live in a bigger city, they should be able to find counselors who will be accepting of this.

    • Anne Shirley

      I think the facts the he is a) pressuring her b) sprung this on her after the marriage, and c) is resistant to therapy, and d) thinks if it as the life he (not they) are building to me are all red flags. I’m not terribly comfortable with polyamory, but from what I’ve heard from friends who are, it really only works if everyone is coming to the table from a respectful place. I think I would be encouraging her to get therapy on her own. And to not jump into anything. This man took a vow of faithfulness to her, if he’s now totally redefining that, sorry, he doesn’t get to set a timeline.

      And this is why Dan Savage’s good giving game fills me with rage. Because I think in straight reality land, too often that message is heard as lay back and think of England or I’m walking.

      • roses

        This is absolutely NOT within the realm of Dan Savage’s GGG concept. Being “good” entails caring about your partner’s needs and desires, and “game” is game WITHIN REASON. Dropping a bomb that you’re poly is not being “good” to your partner, nor is it “game within reason” to expect the partner that you entered a monogamous relationship with to be OK with you suddenly being poly. I’m 100% certain Dan would not be OK with this.

        • Anne Shirley

          Oh me too! But I think this is a common enough misinterpretation that it does harm to the original concept that I don’t think he has successfully addressed.

      • Anonymous

        I generally agree with all of the comments that what he has done is unacceptable. But, in contrast to Anne Shirley, I actually am going to recommend Dan Savage on this issue. Google Dan Savage and polyamorous. It might provide a good jumping off point for her to do some independent research on this.

        • Anne Shirley

          I actually agree with this recommendation. He makes me yell, but also think really hard and in new ways about marriage, sex, and power.

    • L

      I would encourage her to explore therapy on her own, but in the very very near future, she needs to insist on using protection with her hubs for any garden activities. He may already be a step ahead and an std would be a pretty awful way to find out.

    • Abby Lockhart

      If this is not something she wants to do, then her “marriage” can’t work. Period. Particularly given his position that monogamy is not for him in any respect of life. In fact, I would say they don’t have a marriage at all if she entered into an agreement to be faithful to one person in all respects and he is now saying that he never intended to keep that promise in any respect. If that’s not grounds for an annulment (including a legal one, not just religious), it should be. I get that polyamory might be a decision a married couple eventually makes together, but this bears no resemblance to a healthy decision between two consenting adults to me. This is just red flags as to this man’s character and trustworthiness on every level.

      This is going to end in so much turmoil if she lets him push her over her boundaries, she ends up regretting it (which it sounds like she will), the relationship ends anyway, and she has to live with (and probably lie about) the whole thing in the future when she tries to move on.

    • MaggieLizer

      So I’m going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt here. It’s possible that being polyamorous is something he’s only recently – as in, after they were already married – seriously considering. If this is something he legitimately needs and she want to try to make her marriage work, then it seems like poly-friendly resources could help them both to decide if they can or should continue to be married. Are there support groups in her area? Even an online forum? A poly-friendly therapist also may be really helpful.

      • saacnmama

        I have heard of people who get really freaked out by the idea of marriage once they’re in it. I suppose this could be his way of trying to deal with his reaction at the recent “end of freedom”. But if “she really loves her husband and feels pressure to make her marriage work”, then she needs to think about what “marriage” is and if giving in to this would make it work. I don’t think going along with something she’s uncomfortable with, to say the least, is a recipe for success in the long run. She could cut him loose, as many have suggested, or they could start meeting with someone to help him think through where this idea came from. Not in an old-fashioned shaming kind of way, but if he just happened to figure this out at a time of life generally acknowledged to be stressful, he might be surprised what a bit more reflection might reveal.

    • Anon

      Several years back, I dated a poly guy and had a pretty serious relationship, while he was also in a long term relationship with another woman. Obviously different from the OP’s situation because he was very upfront from the get-go about his views. But two items of interest to me are that he is refusing to go to a counselor, and that he is pressuring her to “shop around” for additional people to join their relationship. On the counseling front, depending on where they live, I think they should be able to find a counselor who would understand the lifestyle. Here is a website where you can search by location: http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp//main.php?groupid%5B%5D=5

      As far as pressuring her to go find someone or search the internet… for my relationship and for most other poly relationships I’ve been familiar with, the relationship has evolved more along the lines of “it just felt right for this specific person” rather than “we needed more so we found someone.” In the relationship I was in, the understanding was that if any of us met someone who we would like to include in the relationship, we would have a conversation or several conversations about our feelings for that specific person.

      That lifestyle wound up not being for me – I couldn’t see myself staying in a poly relationship indefinitely – but I will say that it was one of the most positive relationships of my life because the incredible amount of openness and honesty that is necessary to have a healthy poly relationship. I felt very secure in that relationship and the communication level has become something I aspire to in other relationships. So, that’s my impression of what a healthy poly relationship looks like – I don’t have any advice on how to handle your friend’s situation specifically, but I would suggest therapy and also two books: The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

      It sounds like your friend’s husband is going about this the wrong way, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that this is something he would genuinely like to pursue. If that’s the case, they should see a therapist and do some reading to understand what a healthy poly relationship looks like and see if that’s something that they would both be interested in exploring – I don’t think either of them actually has a realistic idea of what it would be like, just given the OP’s description. It may be that they still can’t reconcile their beliefs but they should at least have their beliefs rooted in reality, not imagination/fantasy/horror.

    • 2013

      If that were my friend I’d clear out the guest room, buy some tequila, and get to planning the rest of her life – sans husband.

      • Anon

        +1. Sorry but even if they decided not to have a poly relationship – wouldn’t you always wonder if he was having an affair? I say if this is something your friend knows she has no interest it then it is best to end the marriage. If he is brining this up now who knows what will come up 10, 20, 30 yrs later? I’d cut bait and find someone who shares the same values as me regarding monogamy.

    • Anon

      I think your friend already knows the answer if she listens to her gut. This was a terrible, terrible thing for her husband to do but fortunately they have only been married a year – no children? If she *knows* that a poly relationship isn’t for her then she needs to seriously consider ending the marriage. She deserves to be with someone who has the same values regarding the marriage as she does. This guy is taking advantage of the fact that she feels pressured to make the marriage work and is manipulating her to get want he wants with no consideration for how she feels about this. I think that behavior alone tells her how much he values their marriage. I say encourage her to talk to a therapist but I think the best thing is to move on. She won’t ever be able to trust this guy again and she’ll be happier with someone with the same beliefs.

    • Anon

      I am sorry – but this is crazy. Sounds like he wants to swing, not have a poly relationship. On top of it, the lying throughout their realtionship, while dating, engaged and now married is just amazing to me. If he really is poly, then why has he been lying for years to this woman? She needs to run.

  10. Leigh

    Do any of you ladies have problems with nails splitting? If so, how do you fix it (or is there no way to?)? I have one nail that splits in the exact same place, all the way down the nail, so no matter how much it grows out, it’s still split. It’s painful when it breaks, and in general annoying. I realize this is trivial, but it’s driving me nuts, and I’ve dealt with it for about 3 years already.

    • SunnyD

      I know people who have successfully “painted” their nails with white iodine and that takes care of the splitting problem. I think you have to do it daily or weekly for awhile for it to be effective.

    • Hollis

      Do you mean on the very side edge of the nail, or do you mean that it splits a layer? Either way, I’ve found that the best way to deal with problem nails is to keep them short for awhile and ignore them otherwise (as in, don’t pick at them, don’t use them as tools, etc.) Give it enough time and the problem should go away.

      • Leigh

        It splits on the side edge of the nail, and goes all the way down to the quick. I do keep it short, but it always comes back. I basically do nothing to my nails except clip them, so I don’t know what else to do there.

    • just Karen

      I have one nail that grows with a ridge, and always splits along that ridge. My dermatologist was totally flummoxed, but suggested rubbing RetinA into the nailbed nightly. I haven’t done it diligently, so I can’t vouch for results, but it might be worth a try! I have also had some luck on reducing ridges in general with this stuff from Sally Beauty Supply – I was starting to get a ridge on another nail, and diligent use of this seems to have helped it go away:
      http://www.sallybeauty.com/Reconstrux-Nail-Growth/SBS-527850,default,pd.html?cgid=Nail02-01

      • Leigh

        Thanks. Yeah, that’s similar to what this is. A ridge that goes all the way down, and then splits when it grows past the quick. I do have some retin-a on hand, so I’ll try that, and see about the stuff from Sally’s. It really is a trivial irritation, but it’s an irritation nonetheless. :/

  11. Early pregnancy TJ

    Feel free to skip if you are not interested:

    How do you decline things that you can’t do? For instance, my friend and I have a standing once a week yoga date. Its hot power yoga and from what I’ve read, this is not the greatest thing to do in early pregnancy (raises the core temperature too much and can be dangerous). I feel bad bailing on her for the next 10 weeks or so, but I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. I haven’t even told my family. Do I just tell her and swear her to secrecy? Invent an injury?

    • Anon

      Fake high blood pressure, say your MD wants you taking a hiatus from hot yoga until you can pinpoint what is causing it.

      See if you can swap for a weekly tea date/walk date/brunch date instead.

    • Anon

      Tell her it made you dizzy or gave you a UTI or something, and offer to switch to non-hot yoga.

    • Mpls

      Or just say you want to take a break from it. For any number of reasons – you want to save money, you want to try something else, your schedule has been crazy.

      • saacnmama

        but make sure you don’t take a break from the friendship or the exercise–both will be difficult to maintain for the next decade, at least!

        You can tell her your doc’s investigating something (gives you room for future appointments) but that you’d like to find another exercise you can do–walking or whatever (I loved swimming)

  12. Equity's Darling

    Is it weird that I get freaked out when the weather is bad, even if I’m inside?

    It can get really really windy here, and it’s also, currently, lightening very close to my office building and thundering really loudly. Hail also freaks me out, as it can be quite large. It really makes me so uncomfortable. I fee the same way regardless of how high up I am.

    • 2013

      Are you next to a window? Loud unexpected noises always freak me out. Can you put up blinds and get noise canceling headphones?

  13. Finance App?

    Quick question – is there an app out there that works like My Fitness Pal for spend tracking? I need something easy where I can put in my “cash on hand” amount for the month & deduct from there, like I do from calories each day on MFP. If anyone has suggestions, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.

    • Senior Attorney

      Lots of people like mint dot com. I have also heard good things about you need a budget dot com.m

      • Finance App?

        Thanks – I checked out mint & was hoping for something easier that didn’t want to talk to my other accounts. I was hoping there’s something where you can set your spending amount (like setting your calories) & just record purchases against it as you go so you can keep track of spending that way. Everything I’ve looked at has been more complex than I need for these purposes. Oh well, the search continues!

        • Sydney Bristow

          What about just using a spreadsheet? You could set it up like a checkbook register.

          I second the recommendation for You Need A Budget, but it is different than what you’re looking for. All about budgeting. It’s similar to Mint but its allanual and you don’t connect your accounts to it.

          • Finance App?

            Yeah – I currently have a spreadsheet, but it’s on my computer & I want to be better about the “on the go” stuff so having it my phone would be great. I just found one called “expenditure” & I think it might do the trick. I don’t really need budgeting help – I know my budget, but I need to stick to it & I’ve found the calorie counting approach works wonders for me w/ weight loss/staying on track that I was hoping to find something similar for staying on budget on the go.

          • Leslie Knope

            If Expenditure doesn’t work out, there are plenty of ways to make a spreadsheet accessible by phone and computer. I have an Android phone and have the Google Drive app. My spend-down budget spreadsheet lives in Google Drive and I access it by computer, iPad, and phone. Since there’s an iPad app, I assume there’s also an iPhone app for Google Drive.

    • 2013

      I hate mint for tracking spending. Many women on here the other day recommended You Need A Budget and I am planning to sign up ASAP. I think it would meet your needs.

    • The Farm

      I use Money Lover. It’s not a perfect financial management app, but I think it’s what you are looking for. You record what you spend & assign a category without linking to accounts or having to balance a register.

  14. SoCalAtty

    Susedna made me realize I haven’t updated on the brother recently….just to update, he DID take his GED, passed, and now has a part time job at a local plant nursery. It is paid in cash but he is getting $12/hour and about 10-12 hours a week, and is splitting an apartment with friends. His portion is only $150/month, so he’s ok there. I’m helping him fix the $300 collection he has with his bank from letting his account go overdrawn and then having that sent to collections, so he’s getting there!

    He was really funny this weekend. His complex’s laundry room makes you buy a card to use the machines, and you have to use a debit card, which he doesn’t have. He was trying SO HARD to get me to let him use mine, and I said…”or…you can just go to the laundromat.” He kept on and I told him I’d give him a roll of quarters. He finally said “ok, fine!” but wasn’t mad or anything. That felt much more like a brother / sister conversation than parental conversation, and it was good! So here’s hoping he continues on!

    • Sydney Bristow

      This is great to hear!

      I also think what you wrote back to your neice is great.

    • SFBayA

      What great news, SoCal! You must be so relieved for him to be on the path to maturity. Maybe he’ll end up a landscaper, which is a pretty good gig full of successful small business owners.

    • 2013

      My building has those stupid cards. They’re such a pain! You should flag to buy him one for his birthday or christmas.

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