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Updated: Apr 13, 2022 418 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Eyelet Ruffle Sleeve Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman with long brown hair wearing a white eyelet shirt with pink tailored pants (legs mostly cropped out)

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Every spring, I find myself looking for a new white eyelet top to add to my closet. They’re great for dressing up or dressing down and can be worn alone or under sweaters and blazers.

This year, I’m liking this ruffled version from Ann Taylor. The cut is flattering, it’s machine washable, and it will go nicely with everything from jeans to midi skirts.

I would pair it with a skirt suit for a business formal look that still looks a bit spring-y.

The top is $98 full price at Ann Taylor — take 30% off with code INBLOOM — and comes in regular sizes XXS–XXL and petite sizes XXS–XL.

A bit more on the casual side, this white eyelet top is available in sizes 1X–3X for $19.99

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Anyone had mono as an adult? I’m looking for things you did that helped with the symptoms as you recovered.

    I’m in mu mid-30s, and my husband and I just both tested positive yesterday after a “bad cold” that was still lingering after over a month. We’re starting to feel better, and are working with our doctor. Our doctor was even hesitant to test both of us because we’ve been functioning fairly normally. At least there is an explanation for the extra tiredness on top of both being working parents with a toddler.

    • Anonymous

      My husband and I had it when we were in our 20’s. Unfortunately we had it on our wedding day and during our honeymoon. The only thing that remotely helped me was getting as much sleep as possible. Easier said than done since you have a toddler! Sorry to say, the fatigue lasted a really long time for both my husband and me.

      Go easy on yourself, lean in to the screen time with the toddler, and try to rest as much as you can. We had covid before vaccines were available and my daughter, who was 2 at the time, got an ungodly amount of screentime. She’s fine and transitioned back to a normal amount of TV easily. Don’t feel guilty!

      • Anon

        oh no! your wedding day and honeymoon. at the time that must’ve been so awful/disappointing

    • Anonymous

      I honestly don’t remember anything else – let it run it’s course (4-6 weeks) and try to be gentle with your energy expenditure.

    • Anon

      My sister got it in her late 20s and ended up in the hospital for dehydration and liver issues (apparently it usually attacks the spleen but can attack other organs and hers attacked her liver). All this o say take it seriously and be careful!

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. My sister was early 20s (still in college) and it wiped her out for a full month. Call on your friends and family for help.

    • Anon

      I had it in my midtwenties and it took months to recover. Unfortunately the only thing to do really is rest.

    • Anonymous

      Covid can reactivate the Epstein Barr virus that causes mono. Do you know if the “bad cold” was Covid?

    • Telco Lady JD

      My now-husband had it the summer after we got engaged – he was in his late 30’s. Somehow I managed to avoid it. He was sicker than I’ve ever seen him before or since. Not much helped other than 600 mg of ibuprofen every six hours, lots of sleep, and lots of water/juice/gatorade/chicken soup.

    • Anon

      I had it early my sophomore year of college. Fortunately I was only wiped out for 2 weeks and still had to take exams. It’s kind of blurry but I just sat in bed most of the time and slept. I think my mom had to come get me and take care of me for a few days. Overall it was only two weeks and I didn’t lose the entire semester, only a few grades suffered.

    • Anonnymouse

      Had it at 28. Like others said – lots of rest, and don’t push yourself too hard! Took me awhile to get back to functioning in the normal range.

    • anon

      Had it in my mid-20s and it knocked me on my tail for a long time. Rest and time are the only things that help.

    • Anon

      I had it in my early thirties and was very sick at the beginning. My doctor gave me a very short course of prednisone which made my acute symptoms (horrible sore throat) go away almost immediately which felt like a miracle. After that I had 6-8 weeks where I felt okay but was sleeping a lot at night and taking a nap during the day. As others have said, sleep, hydrating, and eating healthily helped but it was still tough. I hope you feel better soon!

    • Anon

      My sister had it in her mid 20s and it took an entire year to recover. Like she was bed ridden on disability for a solid year. Lost her job, had to go to PT to re gain basic strength (had been someone who biked to work everyday, exercised, rowed etc) . Couldn’t handle a walk around the block. Just saying to be very careful with it because obviously there are many cases where people recover much faster but her’s seemed to get better and then take a turn for the worst and took forever to sort out.

  2. Fallen

    I finally convinced my husband to get a dog! Please help on how to even start. I want to get an older dog (I work from home but I work a lot so cannot handle a puppy) and one that doesn’t shed and will not ruin things in the house (we just bought a new house so that’s a big worry/why it took a while to convince my husband). I heard doodle mixes may fit this description? Anything I should learn about/research before I get a dog? Just want to make sure I know what I am getting into and aware of what it entails!

    • Anon

      For sure, a dog will ruin things in the house—maybe not a lot, or often, but just like there is no way to have kids without wear and tear (heck, adults, too), another creature in your space, especially one without verbal skills, means that things will occasionally go wrong. Because you are new to dog ownership, I suggest considering a “foster to adopt” type of program. This will give you a chance to see if dog ownership is for you and your husband, without creating too much hardship for the dog if things do not work out. I have had 5 non-shed rescue dogs, so they are out there. The first was an accidental non-shedder, and then I realized that this was a great match with my housekeeping style (not going to vacuum daily or 3x per week). Good luck. My dogs have brought me such joy.

      • Anon

        +1 all dogs (and pets, for that matter) will destroy things. Puppies more than adults but no dog is guaranteed not to. For no shedding, you want a dog with hair not fur. Poodles, Wheaten Terriers, mixes of these breeds, etc. Important to note that dogs with hair require more frequent grooming (every 6-8 weeks typically).

        I have also had 2 non-shed rescue dogs. Highly recommend rescuing especially if you are interested in an adult dog.

      • Anon

        I’ll push back just a little here. I have a doodle mix and have had her since she was 8 weeks old and she has never destroyed a single thing ever, even as a puppy. So it is possible. However, there’s absolutely no guarantee, so you do have to prepare yourself for the possibility that the dog will destroy stuff (which we were prepared for, it just never came).

        • Eh

          +1 owner of dog that didn’t destroy things even as a puppy. Never chewed stuff up, doesn’t scrape doors with her nails, etc. She’s nine now. She did have some accidents while house training but if you adopt an older dog you should be fine! Agreed that it’s good to be open to the possibility, but it’s also not a certainty! She’s a doodle fwiw. I actually think the poodle side of her might be the less destructive – maybe consider a poodle as well as doodle mix?

        • Anon

          My idea of destroying includes housetraining or end-of-life accidents, vomit that stains carpet or hardwood, etc., not just chewing things up. I stand by the statement that things will be destroyed.

          • Anon

            Yes, we adopted my childhood dog at 2 so he was already house trained but he had several end of life accidents in his last year or 2.

        • Anon

          And I adopted a 6 year old dog who is still a chewing nightmare. Good thing he’s cute. You never know.

        • Nesprin

          My pup went through 4 couch cushions, 2 pairs of glasses, 8 shoes, 6 dog beds and more blankets than I want to contemplate.
          We gave him so many toys too.

    • Anon

      Follow a local rescue on social and they will often post profiles of pets and who might do well with them.

      And how much time can you devote to walks? I do 50% and with work travel starting it will be a challenge for my spouse to pick up the slack (but we will figure it out). It is like having a kid in that you have to deliberately plan for another creature. I fostered a cat once when my brother deployed and that was a lot easier (but I’m allergic).

    • Anon

      Choose from a rescue that has dogs in foster homes before adoption – the foster home will be able to give you specific details on whether a dog barks / sheds / chews / energy level, etc. Yes, doodle mixes are known to be pretty good in terms of shedding but it depends a bit on what breed they’re mixed with. We went the rescue adoption route a year ago and were able to ‘interview’ several dogs before choosing one that was the best fit for our family.

    • anon.

      I just have to say that there is no dog that you can guarantee the behavior and skin conditions/ hair conditions you’re asking for. I suggest you pick ONE of the above – no shedding, no chewing, no drooling – and accept the others. I thought I’d lose it over shedding but after a GSD and a husky (both from the local animal shelter, not purchased or through private rescues), I adore them and they are super well behaved, don’t chew furniture, trained to sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed but not IN the bed, etc.

      • Shenandoah

        +1. Something always gets “sacrificed” because there is no “perfect dog” in the way we typically think of that term. You’re either going to get some shedding, or a major drooler, or a chewer, or a digger, or a barker, etc. Prioritize what’s actually important to you. But also, just know you have to essentially babyproof your house to set your new dog up for success. And you have to be extremely consistent and diligent about explaining your house rules and expectations to the new dog and enforcing those. I think a lot of people don’t spend enough time considering this. It’s mentally draining! But it’s worth it over the long-term when you have a healthy, happy, well-adjusted, mannerly dog. Just know they’re always going to have their own quirks and personality traits and you don’t need to try and morph them into a mindless robot. Because you will inevitably fail! Dogs are truly the best souls on this planet.

        • Anon

          I’ve had several perfect dogs. Sure, they shed, occasionally got ahold of something they shouldn’t have (the 5 pound bag of flour nabbed from the counter and shredded on my bed was the most memorable, closely followed by the time one walked through a tray of paint my now ex had carelessly set down on the floor) and once in a while had an accident if they weren’t feeling well. I’d trade anything to have more good days with them. They were amazing, hilarious, devoted compantions who sometimes sowed chaos, and were loyal to a fault. I miss them dearly. The only thing wrong with dogs is that the don’t live long enough.

          • Anon

            I just placed the call to euthanize my beloved dog. She has many imperfections that are no fault of hers, but she is totally perfect and worth every bit of effort and inconvenience. I recognize that dogs are not for everyone, but I choose to live with them in my life, and I am lucky to have that opportunity.

    • Mrs. Jones

      Most terriers don’t shed.
      There will be messes like chewing, pee, vomit, etc., so you may have to replace/clean pillows, rugs, etc.

      • Anonymous

        My terrier mix doesn’t have a lot of hair. Her belly is basically just skin. She still sheds. Not as much as my 2 cats, but there are definitely little white hairs around.

    • Anon

      All dogs shed. You shed. I shed. Hair is something to be managed if it bothers you.
      A non-shedding dog who is well behaved from the get-go is a stuffed dog. Please don’t get a dog if you do research and still feel your expectations are realistic. There will be an adjustment period. Dogs are work. Absolutely amazing, wonderful worthwhile work, but the humans in the picture have way more to do with whether or not things are successful than the dog does.

      • Anon

        Sorry for being the “um, actually” guy but Poodles truly don’t shed (which is not to say that poodle mixes don’t shed). Really truly I’ve never found poodle hair in my house, only human hair. The tradeoff is that you’ll pay $100+ every 4-6 weeks to have them groomed, lol. And behavior is another story. Agree completely with your premise that there’s no perfect dog, but if shedding is a major deal breaker, poodles are the way to go.

        • Anon

          You only don’t see it because it stays caught up in the coat until the groomer takes care of it. It disconnects from the dog’s skin just like any other hair.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yes, but I feel like the useful definition of “shed” for the purposes of this discussion is “leave their hair around the house.”

    • Anon

      Keep in mind it will be incredibly hard to find a “designer mutt” like a doodle at a dog rescue.

      You don’t sound prepared to have a dog and I suggest that you reconsider tbh.

      • Anon

        Eh, people who have kids can be like this when they start down that road and there is learning to be sure but people figure it out. Being open to learning is important.

      • Anon

        Oh this is ridiculous. I was just like OP when we started seriously looking at getting a dog. I didn’t have experience with them and had a list of criteria that were unrealistic. Got an adorable doodle mix at a rescue, she did destroy things, I thought I’d never let her in furniture or in the bed and she’s snuggled next to me as I type this. You fall in love, like you do with people, and a lot of that list falls away. OP, my only change to your criteria is get a younger dog – they have short lives and you’ll want to share it as long as possible. Dogs are magic, absolutely get one. Just don’t also get super expensive rugs at the same time.

        • Bonnie Kate

          Completely agree with this, the OP sounds in a perfect place in life to get a dog. She has a house and is married, probably pretty stable environment. She even works from home! I got my first dog when I was a senior in college – way less “ready” “responsible” “prepared” etc. He was a great dog, we took care of him and he had a great life.

          Sometimes people get so serious and judgy about all the things people need to do to be ready to get a dog and how exactly they should obtain the dog and all of the training things. Normal people get dogs and are great owners.

          • Anon

            In 20 years of doing adoption/rescue work, the owner surrenders from big houses in fancy parts of town tend to be in the worst shape, health-wise, with the most neglected issues. They were unwanted and it shows. The ones surrendered because the owners just couldn’t afford to keep their dog (job loss, move in with relatives) always surrendered them with records and up to date shots. Those folks we always try to support with food/flea/tick meds etc if there was a way to keep everyone together.
            My main concern here is if the husband isn’t truly on board, things are unlikely to work out well. Getting a pet should be a “2 enthusiastic yes, one no” decision.

          • Bonnie Kate

            Anon @ 12:38 – I truly say this respectfully and gratefully – by definition in your adoption/rescue work, you see the worst. I suggest that perhaps you’re seeing the exceptions all the time, but these rescues not the rule of how most people are caring for their dogs. Even when one partner is agreeable (although not enthusiastic) about getting a dog initially.

            Just in our home, I was VERY puppy crazy for my first dog and my husband was agreeable, although would have been fine without one. He totally loved the dog and took care of it 50/50 right with me.

            Before we got our current dog, I actively did not want another dog. We had lost our second dog (who was wonderful and I loved very much) when he was fairly young quickly to a natural disease, despite our interventions. We were heartbroken. DH wanted a dog about 6 months later, while I really didn’t want another dog myself up to the point that we got him (although did agree – DH didn’t just bring him home). I fell in love very quickly with the little puppy, and 3 years later we’re all quite happy. From the start we took care of the pup 50/50 – I didn’t begrudge the puppy any care because I personally wouldn’t have made the decision to get him independent of my husband’s desire.

            I will totally agree that at least one adult has to REALLY want the dog, and the other adult (if there is one) needs to be on board. And all of the adults should be prepared to adjust their life and home to have the dog be a part of it.

      • anon

        Our labradoodle is from a rescue and they often have doodles. Our city animal shelter has nothing but pit bulls but local rescues have a much broader variety.

    • Anon

      Decide on a breed or a breed-ish and look into rescues for that breed. Read as much as you can about it, and plan to enroll in obedience school ASAP. This is not only to make your dog obedient but to establish that you are the boss. This will make your dog’s transition to your home easier because dogs like having the den order established.

    • Anononon

      Note on doodles and other poodle mixes: poodles don’t shed (they have hair, not fur), but if you get a mix you need to make sure that the mix actually has hair from the poodle side of the family and not a mix or the other breed’s fur. If you get a mix without the poodle hair you have just paid for a very expensive mutt that will still shed. Breeders want to sell the whole litter, so they will tell you all the dogs don’t shed, but you need to evaluate the actual dog you are getting.

      As another commenter noted, poodles (and other dogs with hair) need to be groomed about every six weeks. You also really can’t bathe them at home unless you are going to blow dry them fully dry. Otherwise their hair gets super curly/matted and your groomer will likely need to shave them the next time they go in.

      Grew up with poodles. They are great dogs but do require maintenance.

      • Anon

        Yes, poodles and doodles with hair need frequent grooming! Also, don’t even try to cut their hair yourself, I lost a whole pair of leggings because the hair just became embedded in the fabric and I couldn’t get it out – it was everywhere!

      • Anon

        Eh–you can join DIY Doodle Grooming and Doodle Owners and groomers coming together FB groups and learn how to to groom. I have a mini labradoodle, she fits in my sink, I wash her weekly and take her for grooms every 2-3 months, and I do everything in between, sani/paws/visor and eyes/nails. It can be done!

        • Anon

          LOL, this brought back memories of my parents learning how to groom our large standard poodle when I was young, including rigging up a harness to keep her still on the workbench in the basement, and wearing old surgical gown for the hair everywhere! It looked like a mad scientist’s lab! Ah, memories…

    • Anon

      Also, what is your energy level? If you want a dog to go hiking with you on weekends, that dog will need sufficient exercise every day, not just on weekends. I’d love to be a Kodak Dad to a high-energy dog, but just acknowledged that I am a good dog mom to a medium-energy dog and rely on my two teens to help keep him active and happy so that no one is doing all of the walks. Also, 3 months in, it turned out that we had gotten a barker and he is LOUD. He is great though. Full of issues, but great.

    • Digby

      Something to consider is that dogs can be expensive – start-up costs like bed, crate, collar, leash, tag, food and water bowls, food, treats, toys, training classes. Ongoing costs can add up, too: My senior dog’s annual wellness checkup with vaccines and a year’s supply of heartworm pills runs around $900 – for a healthy dog.

      • Digby

        Oh, and vacations/travel – you have to have a plan for who will take care of your dog while you’re away – more money (kennels can be expensive), and more logistics (kennels require proof of certain vaccines, so you have to stay up-to-date on those if you plan to use a kennel).

    • anon

      If you are rescuing, you also need to have an open mind. We have a hound mix, which is something I’d never be drawn to. But at the shelter, she had the best personality. She’s a great dog. Gets up late, doesn’t chew things, has only had 2 accidents ever. She sheds like crazy and doesn’t like being left alone. Every dog has good traits and challenging ones. Just like people. Also if you are concerned about a dog destroying things, you need to think about how much time you have to exercise the dog. A tired dog is a good, happy dog. A bored dog gets into things.

    • Dr. The Original ...

      I’m honestly worried about your post. It sounds like you want a stuffed animal that snuggles with you, not the realities of a dog. While there ARE breeds with hair not fur and while not all dogs chew, every dog sometimes barks when you don’t want them to. Every dog throws up sometimes. Every dog has an accident, especially during training and end of life stages. Every dog knocks something off a table or sticks their tongue in your water glass or snatches your snack or lays diagonal on your bed or or or. They also all need to go outside when they need to go, even if it’s inconvenient. They all require planning if you travel. They all cost money, sometimes a lot of money, and sometimes at unexpected times in emergency situations.

      Just like with human children, dogs are whole entire beings with their own personalities, needs, and annoyances. If you are not fully good with all of it, absolutely do not get a dog. If you aren’t absolutely certain, foster. (That said, do not foster children if you are not absolutely certain, in that case, offer to babysit for a friend.) Dogs, like kids, deserve parents who want them and who will still want them not just when they are snuggly and adorable but also when they are throwing up at 3am and may require emergency medical care. In your case, you not only have to be sure for yourself, you have to be sure with your spouse since a pup deserves a home where everyone wants them, not just one person.

      • Anon

        Right, her want list is like “I want a baby, but I want one that sleeps all night and is potty trained from birth”

        Not gonna happen, OP, and getting an older dog isn’t magic.

        • Anon

          Come on. Dog owners demanding that other would-be dog-owners be their way of perfect is just not good. OP: if you have a friend with a dog, I’d start with offering to dog-sit in your house for an afternoon and see how it goes. And maybe volunteer at a rescue to get a sense of you with various dogs. We just dove in when our neighbor fostered a dog that we liked and that she had for months, so we got to know him. We knew a lot but still had a lot of learning for this particular dog. People have kids. People have dogs. None of us is born knowing all of the things. You can learn what you don’t yet know.

    • Anonymous

      All dogs are going to have some degree of mess. They vomit and they get diarrhea sometimes, just like we all do. I have a Bissell green machine, and it’s shocking what that little sucker can do. A non-puppy will reduce the amount of accidents. Also consider how much time you’re willing to commit to grooming. I have always owned rat terriers. The hair is short and not heavy shedding (although each dog has been a little different). The benefit to me is being able to throw him int he tub whenever I want (he can go months so long as he hasn’t gotten muddy, and even then a. soapy cloth to the feet may be enough). The only formal grooming he needs is a nail trim once every 3-4 weeks (he doesn’t walk on concrete much) and an ear wipe. Dental cleaning 5 ish years or so? (vet tells me). The amount of joy has made up for the work though and I’d do ten-fold and then some for even a fraction of the enjoyment I’ve had.

    • Anon

      OP, you’re going to get the dog judgers out in force here. You can find what you’re looking for at a rescue, and that’s a path if you want an older dog. They also come with issues, which you can avoid by getting a dog from a breeder. Poodle mixes often have hair not fur, so that’s what to look for on shedding. I thought I wanted an older dog, and adopted a poodle mix at a rescue who was a puppy. It’s not as bad training a puppy as you’d think, and I’m so happy we will have her most of her life. For our next dog, I probably won’t go rescue again. It’s a lot to deal with behavior issues that come with the dog that you don’t get as much with puppies you raise yourself. I love our dog more than anything and you’ll fall in love no matter what. I know it’s controversial and I donate heavily to rescues, they do great things, but it’s your actual life. My advice is also find a good day care that boards so your dog has consistency when you go away. Your list isn’t unreasonable at all. I’d also suggest getting a small dog, they do a lot less damage than larger ones. And put your shoes out of reach.

      • Anonymous

        Why not rescue a puppy to raise yourself? I rescued my girl at about 6 months. I housebroke her, trained her, and worked with her to be the perfect dog for me. I wouldn’t have been any different with a breeder dog.

        • Anon

          Why not rescue a puppy to raise yourself? I rescued my girl at about 6 months. I housebroke her, trained her, and worked with her to be the perfect dog for me. I wouldn’t have been any different with a breeder dog.

      • Anonymous

        My experience has been the opposite. With a puppy, you have no idea what you are getting in terms of adult personality. We adopted a puppy from a rescue that turned out to be an absolute nightmare. We did everything “right”–training, socialization, exercise, dog walkers, doggy day care–and in the end nothing was enough. The dog was just meant to live in a pack of hunting dogs on a farm, not in a home as part of a human family. The two rescue dogs I have adopted as adults, on the other hand, both came from foster families that knew their needs, behavior, personalities, and quirks, and we were able to select dogs that were perfect matches. I will never again adopt or purchase a puppy.

    • Anon 2.0

      There is no such thing as a dog that meets all of the above. However, once you bring that little 4 pawed creature in your home, they will steal your heart and you won’t care. Dogs shed. Get a Roomba. They sometimes get into things they shouldn’t but at the end of the day, it is all worth it. Can you tell I am a crazy dog “mom”? Highly agree with fostering as well. A good rescue will make sure the dog fits well into your home as well.

    • In-House in Houston

      I haven’t read all of the responses, so this may be a duplicate. But please consider fostering a dog before you adopt. It’s really a great way to get to know a dog before you commit to adopt. Most local shelters (city/county) now have a foster program and all rescue groups do too. You can pick and older dog and have it in your home for a week or two to see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out, you can take the dog back. But please please please give it some time. No dog will just be perfect in your home day 1. There will be mishaps. But if you do things right, it’ll be fine. Crate training the dog is not a bad thing at all. When you’re not home, you put the dog in a crate (that is big enough for him/her to stand up and turn around) and he or she will be fine and there will be no damage to your house. Disasters only happen when the dog is left unattended. Don’t leave things on counters or tables that he/she can reach. Common sense. It’ll take time but I promise you it’ll be so wonderful for you and the dog. Good luck!

      • Anon

        I actually disagree with this, it’s the pet equivalent of the flour baby high school project. The magic of dogs is that you mutually fall in love and when the situation isn’t permanent you do all the work without the attachment magic. People focus so much on the work, the walks, the poop, the clean up, the shoes, etc., and all of that just pales in comparison to the love and joy you’re bringing into your life. OP, dive in, get a dog and welcome to a wonderful experience.

        • Woof

          totally agree! The love, laughter, and bond are not replicated anywhere else on earth. People are not as unconditionally loving as dogs are. And, all the work is worth all the love.

          • Anon

            Yes, I spent way too much of my adult life focused on the work involved and the inconveniences, married a dog lover, got a dog and regret all those years I didn’t have one. I cannot imagine life without dogs now. You learn what you need to know as you go, just like with kids. All you need to be is committed to raising your dog for its whole life with you.

          • Anon

            Anon @1:29, I went 20 years without a dog because of our full time away from home schedules. Finally got a dog in 2021 and he’s the best thing that has happened in our house in years. He also happened TO our house, he’s a massive chewer, but of course we think all of his destruction is adorable because he’s adorable.

            It reminds me of Cannery Row, when Mac and the boys adopted a puppy called Darling. They thought her puddles were adorable and never had the heart to house train her, so she finally got fed up and trained herself.

            My dog has calmed down a lot with the chewing now that he knows he’s here to stay, I think. He was a very nervous rescue, had been rehomed twice before us.

    • Explorette

      The AKC website is a good place to start to learn about dog breeds. They have a quiz you can take to help narrow down what breeds will work best for you. The biggest advice I have is to do plenty of research on the breed before getting it to make sure if fits your life. I used to volunteer at a shelter and so many of the dogs would come in because their owners didn’t know what characteristics the breed had and realizing it didn’t work for them – eg. getting a border collie and then being upset because it nips at children’s heels, getting a poodle that stayed home alone all day and ruined the house because it was bored, etc.

    • Anonymousse

      Honestly – get a cat! They’re so much more independent, don’t ruin things, and you can get breeds that don’t shed.

    • anon

      One idea: Roast Beef and Horseradish Crostini: toast a slice of french bread that is brushed with olive oil and a bit of garlic. Lightly brown. Add a mixture of horseradish and cream cheese, top with a piece of roast beef and chive. Mega hit at my not-that-adventurous family Easter last year and plan to do it again. So easy, too.

      • Anon

        I don’t want to make this but I want to come over to your house and eat it. Address please?

    • Anon

      Crab cakes. Deviled eggs. Green bean casserole. Country ham. Biscuits. Maybe cheese biscuits.

    • Ribena

      I asked for help with my menu a while ago. I’m doing:

      Nibbles/ crudité

      Roast chicken (from Midnight Chicken)
      Harissa roast potatoes (Nigella)
      Creamed leeks (also from Midnight Chicken)
      A puy lentil and baby spinach salad

      Chocolate cake (Swedish chocolate cake from TopWithCinnamon with ground almonds instead of flour) topped with chocolate eggs instead of a Simnel cake, with Greek yoghurt/ vanilla ice cream/ whipped cream from a spray can as desired, and with fresh berries.

      And a marzipan c-tail. Followed by rosé.

    • Vicky Austin

      Think I’m gonna do HBH’s blueberry lemon ricotta sweet rolls and snack on them all weekend as we paint our kitchen.

    • Anonymous

      Reservations. First festive family meal in two years I’m not planning and cooking!

    • anon

      Is there a way to celebrate the holiday in a non-religious way? Like is there easter stuff to partake in besides church?

      • Ses

        I, an atheist, celebrate by eating tons of chocolate, jelly beans, and peeps. It’s also originally a spring festival, so hikes and enjoying the outdoors seems like it’s in keeping with the spirit.
        But someone could bring back Eostre feasts and I’d attend.

      • Anon

        We recognize Ēostre. A celebration of the spring equinox, with a family meal on the deck and time spent in nature. It is the first weekend of the year where we actively work outside–prepping beds for spring planting, cutting daffodils and hyacinths for vases, and long walks on nearby nature trails to see the buds bursting.

      • Anonymous

        Easter egg hunts, visiting the Easter bunny, eating chocolate, going out to brunch in pretty spring clothes.

      • Anon

        In my family, everyone my parents generation is a never miss a Sunday person while my whole generation is not religious (some are C+E’ers, some are never ever step foot in a church), so we all celebrate together after those who choose to attend attend church. We still do Easter baskets and egg hunts and a meal with the whole extended family. My cousins even travel in from other cities for it, much like Thanksgiving/Christmas.

        We all grew up going to church and have the “cultural” background of it being religious, but we are no longer practicing.

      • Anonymous

        I’m an atheist, my whole family is. We just eat yummy food, enjoy the long weekend and have fun with chocolate egg hunts for the kiddos. No magical dieties needed.

          • Anon

            Who cares? It’s fun for them, and it’s not hurting you at all. In fact, you didn’t know about it until today. I will never understand why people need to tell others that their perfectly innocuous fun is stupid.

      • anon

        Pretty sure Easter holiday is the product of christian missionaries coming up with something festive for converted, former pagans to do in lieu of their regularly scheduled pagan activities around spring (especially since pagans are far more into the s*x and reproductive aspect of spring than christian prudence and patriarchy would tolerate).
        As such I tend to lean into the nature aspect – walks, hikes, planting things outdoors, eating out on the patio, having a meal with family and yes I give easter treats and eat them too.
        My condolences to those whose allergies make this all difficult. I feel for you, it’s really rough.

      • Anon

        I’m an atheist. Easter is a cultural remnant from my childhood (and probably has pagan roots like most holidays). So it’s all about a pretty dress, and Easter basket, coloring eggs, an egg hunt, and candy. Bunnies and chicks (stuffed animals not real, though they were real when I was a kid.)

      • Anon

        I’m religious and never go to church on Easter (too crowded; ditto xmas). It is eating of food and hunting for eggs with crazy amounts of candy. Like Halloween but with a meal? I also go to Seders and I’m not Jewish and love me a good Now Ruz party (which I sense is just a cultural holiday anyway).

        • Anonymous

          Religious and Christian and don’t bother going to church on Easter?!? Wow.

          • Anon

            I just cannot deal with church on Xmas and Easter. I don’t get how fighting your way into a service (if you can get into the parking lot) makes for an Xtian experience. It is awful. Our church is designed for its average weekly attendance + about 10% extra for weddings and big community events. I get why synagogues offer tickets to regular congregants and charge for them, but we take all comers (so I leave room for them and just go the rest of the time). Good Friday is a much more significant day and there is no fighting for space then. There are so many other days and ways to be observant. Good grief. Ima go listen to Xtina now.

          • Anon

            Anonymous at 10:38, please disclose your church attendance.

            I also am very religious and don’t go on Christmas or Easter. I go on Good Friday, usually, and always for the Easter Vigil. Our churches aren’t designed to accommodate double weekly attendance and I’m not going to force my toddler to stand for an hour.

        • Anon

          Easter week has always sat a little weird with me, mostly because of how some folks I’ve encountered over the years seem overly into the gore/violence aspects of the crucifixion. I’m sure there are theological justifications for it, but it just doesn’t sit right with me.

          • Anonymous

            The central point of Christianity is the resurrection. You have to die in order to be resurrected. So…

          • Anon

            Crucifixion was a horrific death that Jesus willingly suffered to reunite us with God. He didn’t go to sleep and wake up a few days later; he was beaten, humiliated, and tortured to death. His suffering is a reminder that God does not ask anything of us that He is unwilling to do. His suffering is a reminder that the world will not love us for being Christian. It reminds us that humans are capable of torturing people for no good reason.

          • Anon

            Right, I get that. Been there, confirmed, got the t-shirt. I don’t want to be around people who really seem to revel in all the blood and gore like they’re listening to commentary from a UFC event.

          • Anonymous

            OK that much blood and guts is not a mainstream Christian thing. Your friends are weird and do not represent normal Christians.

          • Anon

            The Passion of the Christ was one of the top movies of the year in terms of sales when it hit the theaters. I’d say that’s pretty mainstream.

    • Anonymous

      Lentil Wellington, roasted brussel sprouts, garlic mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy, and chocolate depression cake for dessert, with ganache instead of frosting.

    • The Lone Ranger

      Celebrating twice this year to accomodate multiple schedules. This weekend my sil is cooking dinner and I’m making a lemon cake with lemon curd filling and buttercream frosting. Next week (Orthodox Easter, when we normally celebrate), I’m making ham and a strawberry cake, side dishes still need to be filled in.

    • Formerly Lilly

      Cheese wafers and a mixed drink for before, then ham glazed with coarse mustard and plum preserves, potato salad, green beans, squash casserole, yeast rolls (bought because mine are like hockey pucks), relish plate with deviled eggs, pickled okra and pickled carrots, and a bought dessert due to time constraints, probably carrot cake. Southern, if you couldn’t tell. : )

        • Formerly Lilly

          Yeast Rolls in my family! It takes a very deft hand to make them come out right, so I buy them, or Plan B is Sister Schuberts yeast rolls from the grocery store freezer.

        • Formerly Lilly

          Ha! Thanks! I did restaurant and catering work in between undergrad and law school, and sometimes I wish I’d stuck with it. My norm is a bit more foodie-ish, but I go traditional-for-my-family for holidays.

    • Anon

      One year I made this meal and now I have to make it every year

      Spiral cut ham from the grocery store with the glaze packet it comes with

      Scalloped potatoes with Tillamook cheese

      Roasted asparagus with chopped hard boiled egg (plenty of those around on Easter)

      No dessert because Easter candy

    • Anonymous

      I am making a giant coffee cake for the choir potluck brunch between services. I am also singing for Maundy Thursday and “gory” Good Friday. Flame away, y’all.

      Oh, and we have brass for Sunday too. I love it. I know, this makes me a terrible person.

      Happy Holy (Hell) week to my fellow church singers out there.

    • Jeffiner

      Add some cascarones to your Easter egg hunt! They are confetti filled eggs, and when you find one you’re supposed to crush it above someone else’s head. They are a Mexican thing, but along the border they’ve turned into a new Easter tradition. My family has a lot of fun with them, I’m not bothered by a little paper confetti mess, and I like the idea of growing a new tradition. We’re able to buy them in the grocery store, but in other parts of the country you may have to special order them.

  4. Composting anon

    Composting — I’m soon going to be participating in my township’s composting program. I’d have to drop off my food waste to our town’s public works department. I can purchase a 5-gallon lidded pail and biodegradable bags and put the waste within. I suspect I’ll drop off at public works once or twice per week, since it’s a few minutes away from my home.
    For those who compost, either with a service like the one described above or if you have your own set-up in the backyard, how do you collect your food waste as you go throughout the day? I was going to repurpose an old, big yogurt container and fill it for each meal with scraps, rinds, etc. and then dump contents into the 5-gallon pail. Rinse the container and do it again for the next meal.
    All this to ask if it would be wise for me to purchase a countertop bin of some sort? Oh boy they’re costly! Or is a yogurt container or bowl sufficient?
    I am trying to set my family up for success. Spouse and I (no kids) eat a lot of fruits and veggies, especially in spring and summer, so I want to get this right from the start.

    • Diana Barry

      I have a countertop metal bin with a charcoal filter in the lid and I put all of the fruit/veggie scraps in there, plus my coffee grounds and filters. It works well except for long things like basil stalks, the outside rib of celery, etc., which you have to squish or cut to make them go in. We have a large yard with a big area of compost/tree mess and a bunch of wildlife so we just dump it out there when it gets full – no formal bin outside with turning, etc.

    • Anon Librarian

      I participate in my city’s weekly drop off composting program. I place the food waste in a plastic bag in the freezer to reduce room odor and pests (roaches and flies).

      • anon

        Ah this is such a good idea!! I’ve been wracking my brain on how to do it this summer because I don’t have a covered space away from a door that won’t attract bugs. Why did I not think of this!?

    • Anon

      Living in an apartment, I have to keep my 5 gallon bucket in my kitchen. We fill it with a paper grocery store bag and I usually put all my food scraps to the side while I’m cooking and then once I’m done, put it all in the bucket. The lid is pretty hard to get on and off (which is good – keeps the smell inside and keeps critters out; but also makes it annoying to use frequently). I have a service that comes every other week to pickup, I just leave the bucket on my stoop.

    • Anon

      My parents composted, so I grew up with this in the 90s / 00s but it all went to a backyard compost set up. We used exactly what you described, a yogurt container (or cottage cheese or ricotta container, you get the idea) that sat on the counter next to the sink. They now have a plastic container that sits in the freezer that’s a different shape so it fits on the door. I suspect that helps with smells but honestly the first set up was never smelly.

      • anonshmanon

        If your setup allows the food scraps to dry out as they sit, you can minimize smells. I have a shallow old baking pan, and line it with a piece of newspaper or a used paper bag. This also cuts down how disgusting the pan gets.
        I usually need to empty it every 3-4 days, and it rarely smells. Maybe in hot humid weather, or if I throw out meat or fish scraps.
        Main downside: you have a visible pile of compost sitting on your kitchen counter. No issue for me since that’s how my parents do it.

    • Anonymous

      I have a leftover takeout bin in my freezer! It works perfectly.. I put it in the door where true freezer things shouldn’t go

    • anon

      We use a local composting service and love it. We keep a metal bowl on the counter and add to it throughout the day/week. Never had an issue with smell even if we go a few days before taking it out to the pail. In the winter we keep the pail in the garage and in warmer months on the front porch since that is where they pick up from.

    • anon

      I use an old metal stock pot that’s permanently located to the left of the sink. It has a lid so it doesn’t cause any olfactory offense. When it’s full (usually by the end of the week) I dump it in the backyard compost pile. I don’t use liners, and I rinse and stick it in the dishwasher to clean it.

    • Anon

      I have a city composting/green waste bin that is bigger than my city garbage can, which is outside. Couple things I have learned over the years:

      1) food scraps go in an open bowl on my kitchen counter near my cutting board. This is emptied to the outside daily. No other inside solutions really work

      2) you need a layer of something at the bottom of your bin before throwing in food scraps. Lawn clippings or leaf debris are both good

    • Anon

      No one needs special products in order to compost (I’ll spare you my rant on all the sh*t people buy in the name of sustainability). The yogurt container or bowl you mentioned is just fine.

    • Anon

      This is great. We have a small bin designed for this purpose that we keep on the counter w a compostable bag in it so fill as we go and then when full, just tie up the bag and put it in the big bin we keep on the porch for municipal pick-up. Some people just keep a bag or Tupperware in the freezer to toss the scraps in as they go, that’s a good option if you have limited counter space.

  5. Anon

    I could use some advice. I have a new coworker who is two weeks into the job. She is a “teapot painter” and I am the “teapot paint manager”. We work together in a large room – a teapot painting store. She is -extremely- rude and condescending to me, and there has been at least one really uncomfortable conflict every day we’ve worked together. She has also been rude to a couple of clients, but not to the same degree. She does not behave this way to our boss, the store director (he does the hiring). Sometimes he is in the building mixing paint, but he’s rarely present in the store itself. We’ve been lucky that most of the painters the store has employed in the past are reasonable human beings who ask questions when needed; we can basically lead by example and the store operates smoothly.

    The second day new coworker and I worked together, she made a very rude comment when I asked if she wanted help with something. I asked her about it after the client left, and she was very defensive about her teapot knowledge. I let her come to me with questions after that, which she did. I do have to talk to this person many times during the course of the day. She is really terse and snippy with me when I’m asking a routine question (“Hey, have you finished the Benson teapots?”), and also she explains really basic stuff to me about my job. The eye-rolling stuff sounds like it could be goofy or exaggerated, but it’s more that she’s overly defensive and nasty and, honestly, borderline cruel. I brought these concerns to boss at the end of last week, and he said he would talk with her.

    Boss asked what I think should happen, and I let him know I think she’s very rude, an awful fit for the store, and we should cut her loose. He wants us to have a “fresh start”, and has scheduled a meeting with the three of us today. I’m also disappointed that the boss isn’t recognizing how bad the situation is. He wants everyone to be friends, but she can’t make it a couple hours without condescending to me. She has demonstrated she has no respect for anything I say. I can’t imagine things magically improving.

    What should I say in this meeting? I feel like I need to lay down the law, tell her exactly which behaviors are unacceptable, and let her know they can’t continue. However, one of the things I have to say is “You must be respectful to me” and that seems really weird.

    • Anonymous

      “You must be respectful to me” is in fact the message you need to convey. “The rude comments and eye rolling are unacceptable and must stop immediately.”

    • Anon

      Honestly, I think you need to approach this in a very different, kill with kindness, kind of way.

      “I feel like we’ve gotten off on a bad foot and it’s important to me that we have a good working relationship since we work so closely together. How do you feel? Do you have any thoughts?”

      If she’s willing to be open and talk through her issues you’ve got to be willing to listen and take them into consideration.

      If she plays dumb:
      “When you say X, it makes me feel like you’re questioning my knowledge base. Do you have concerns about my work?”
      “Is there anything I can do to improve our working relationship?”

      You told your boss how you feel. He told you he wants you to try again. You’ve got to go into this appearing (and being) super reasonable, friendly and willing to try and make this work.

      • Cat

        This exactly. I take it you’re senior to her but you share a boss, so you don’t actually have supervisory responsibility here – so lecturing her isn’t going to solve this in a way that reflects well on you.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah, let your boss see you being super duper over-the-top reasonable, and then when it continues (and I have zero doubt it will continue), he hopefully will be willing to cut her loose.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe you really did just get off on the wrong foot. Asking her if she had any questions in front of the client probably was embarrassing if she is experienced. I would try to start fresh and remember that you aren’t her boss. Your tone right now is coming across like you envision yourself as her boss (not your place on whether she is or isn’t a fit for the store) and she probably can sense that as well. Stop worrying about what she is thinking and worry more about what your boss wants from you.

    • Anon

      Thanks all. The meeting ended up being just a few minutes. She apologised for offending me, and I calmly let her know the past couple weeks’ behavior was not tenable. I had planned to approach the meeting dispassionately; I’m glad I went in a little friendlier after asking here.

  6. Anonymous

    Would someone please point me to article/commentary re why the dishes marriage guy (or his argument) stinks? Curious since divorced friends are posting it to Fb now saying how much it resonated with them. TIA!

    • Anon

      I think the complaints misunderstand the audience. The audience isn’t people who “get it;” it’s people, particularly husbands, who think their wives are being annoying and foolish.

      Writer: I should have just put the glass in the dishwasher.
      Clueless Husband: Why?
      W: It mattered to her.
      CH: Why?
      Writer: She got tired of cleaning up the things I was perfectly capable of cleaning up myself.
      CH: But my wife is being petty and foolish about wet towels on the bed. Can you provide a detailed explanation of what is the problem with wet towels on the bed?

      Or….
      W: It mattered to her. It might be petty, it might not be petty, but to me, mattering to her should have been enough.
      CH: But my wife is being weird.
      W: SO WHAT? Do you want to lose your marriage over this?

    • Anon

      I believe I read a thread on twitter from his exwife, who is a writer, and there were a LOT more issues with his behavior, according to her.

      • Anon

        It was several years ago and I can’t remember her name, unfortunately. He seems like a jerky guy who parlayed being jerky into a gig as a relationship counselor.

      • Anon

        I feel like that’s the point though. He’s hung up on dishes and thinking it’s this one petty thing that would have magically solved his marriage issues. But in reality, this was a symptom of him not acting like a responsible adult, his wife being annoyed with both his inaction and his behavior, and leaving him over it. He can only see the inaction, and can’t see the larger pattern.

        Semi-related, I’ll never understand why the “nagging wife” trope is so popular. That means the (likely) husband is acting like a child who needs frequent reminders and consequences to do his chores. Like, you’re just telling on yourself, dude. Grow up.

      • Seventh Sister

        Color me not at all surprised.

        That said, I think it’s pretty common for people to have an acceptable narrative of their breakup / separation that doesn’t include everything that happened. I have a particularly bad ex that was, well, particularly bad, but I’m not proud of some of the stuff I did either (e.g., a blistering, vengeful phone message listing all of their many flaws just to get back my copy of an out-of-print book).

    • Anon

      I see people reference this article all the time and I hate it! On list of things I hate, it’s right up there with “weaponized incompetence”. It’s the kind of article that people who can’t take the blame or compromise on anything share.

      The issue isn’t the used dish or even what the used dish means to his (ex) wife. The issue is really that his (ex) wife failed to communicate directly and resolve conflict in a healthy manner. The writer describes his failure to put up a dirty dish as one “pinprick” and that accumulation of pinpricks caused his marriage to bled out beyond repair. What he’s actually describing is his (ex) wife letting resentment fester over tiny inconveniences that she took as personal insults.

      No one can read minds! Neither you nor your partner. If you’re assuming bad things about your partner when you’re faced with any minor annoyance, there’s a bigger issue. I love my wife with all my heart, but I just do not think socks need to be matched and folded. As such, I don’t match and fold socks when I do laundry. If my wife came to me and said this was her hill to die on, I’d certainly suck it up and do it for her (thankfully, it’s not.) But not every hill is a hill to die on. You have to be selective on what’s really important to you and compromise on the rest.

      I often see my friends expecting their husband to automatically default to doing everything the way they want them done. Interestingly, I’ve noticed this and the idea of “weaponized incompetence” seems to only be an issue among my straight friends and not my other lesbian friends. Might be a coincidence but I’m very curious to see if anyone has theories on why that might be.

      • Senior Attorney

        Except he says right in the article that his wife tried to tell him about the dishes “hundreds, maybe thousands of times,” and that they had “the same fight” about it repeatedly. So I think your reading is just incorrect.

        • Anon

          Right. Way to hate on a woman you’ve never met, 12:56.

          the writer did say, explicitly, that she had told him over and over that it bugged her. His issue was that he didn’t care that it bugged her and found out the hard way that it was a dealbreaker for her.

          Anyway, she ABSOLUTELY used her words.

      • Anonymous

        I am with you on the failure to communicate part and the husbands defaulting to doing things the way the wife wants. The second seems to be about conflict avoidance. But I do think that weaponized incompetence exists, and it likely exists a lot more in straight relationships because of ingrained beliefs about gender roles. Men think their wife should be doing all these thing s for them because they saw their mothers and grandmothers doing them for their husbands. I also think that term is overused and sometimes it is the result of a wife micromanaging or being ungrateful when her husband does something but not in the exact manner she believes to be the one true and correct way to do it (e.g., folds shirts and towels but “wrong”, sets the table with all the utensils on the left instead of split, loads the utensils in the dishwasher without separating them the way she thinks they should be, etc.). It can be an indication that the wife also fails to assume good intentions and then you really have a problem.

        • Seventh Sister

          I think that just like people talk to babies in different ways based on whether they perceive that the baby is a boy or a girl, people are ingrained in different ways about neatness / housekeeping duties and gender expectations. My spouse grew up leaving cups and plates all over, and while his mom didn’t pick up after him, she didn’t snap at him the moment he put down his fork that he needed to put his plate in the sink (like my parents). She was more of a several-hours-later “this house is a mess, clean up!” type person.

      • Sasha

        “Interestingly, I’ve noticed this and the idea of “weaponized incompetence” seems to only be an issue among my straight friends and not my other lesbian friends. Might be a coincidence but I’m very curious to see if anyone has theories on why that might be”

        Can’t tell if this is a troll but what is the coincidence here? That the couples involving straight men are the ones that suffer from weaponized incompetence? That’s literally The Point–lesbian couples run into this issue at a much lower rater than straight couples because it’s a problem that predominantly crops up with straight men.

  7. anonchicago

    Tis the season to lose your engagement ring, judging by recent posts.

    I lost mine about two weeks ago in a move. I had the engagement and wedding rings fused together, and the ring was bothering me so I stuck it in my bra, and by the time I remembered it hours later, the ring was gone. We’ve gone through the house, trash, moving supplies, and can’t find it so we’ve filed a claim.

    The center stone was a family heirloom from DH’s grandmother, so I feel extra awful about losing it. With that in mind, I didn’t really like the ring style to begin with (DH knows this) so I’m using the opportunity to buy a ring I truly like. With that in mind, what are thoughts on mined vs lab created diamonds? I have opinions on conflict minerals but didn’t worry about that for a ring that was 70 years old; now, I am considering a lab created ring but wonder if that makes it not as real or something. Thoughts??

    • Deedee

      I’m so sorry! what a nightmare to lose a family piece. I wear a ring that belonged to my spouse’s grandmother and I feel so much for you.

      I would in NO way shape or form advocate for blood diamonds in the year 2022–just my personal opinion. Lab diamonds I believe are identical to mined ones and don’t look like i.e. CZ, moissanite, etc. (which I don’t like the look of). You could even consider a vintage piece that suits your style more, which is what I hope and plan to do many decades now from now when I pass the family set along to the next generation.

    • Anon

      I’m not close to getting engaged, but will only be looking at lab grown diamonds or mossanite, given the human rights concerns of diamonds. (I would also be fine with an heirloom ring, but as the youngest grandchild, all heirlooms have already been given away).

      I think regardless of my profession I would avoid real diamonds, but I work in humanitarian aid so really want to avoid blood diamonds.

      • Anonymous

        You should check out estate sales, antique shops, and jewelers that specialize in heirloom jewelry. There are so many beautiful and ethical rings out there!

        • Anne-on

          Yes, I’ve been shocked by how badly diamonds hold their value. I’ve seen gorgeous 2ct vintage cocktail rings at our local estate jeweler for $5-$7k. If you have a local place they can also keep their eye out for you and let you know when new pieces come in. Our jeweler also has a bench, so if you buy a vintage diamond they can work with you on designing a new setting to your taste.

    • Anon

      Lab created diamonds are diamonds without the ethical issues. What’s the problem?

    • Anon

      I lost my engagement ring just a couple of years after I got married; it had also been a family heirloom from my husband’s side of the family (but not one I really liked, TBH). I put it on my bedside table one night in the little dish I kept there for my ring, didn’t wear it for a day or so, and when I went back to find it, it was gone. We hadn’t had people in the house or anything so no idea what happened. We turned the house upside-down looking for it, and even when we moved out years later, I looked everywhere trying to find it, but no luck. I read a few years ago that the same thing happened to Gwen Stefani when she was married to Gavin Rossdale – she lost her $35k engagement ring somewhere in her house and never found it again. Stars, They’re Just Like Us!

      In any case – I would go with a lab-created diamond over the real thing these days as A. no uncomfortable ethical problems with the lab-created diamonds and B. you can get a larger stone for less money. One of my former coworkers had a 2-carat cushion-cut stone in her wedding band set that everyone oohed and aahed over and she told me privately it was lab-created – I never would have known otherwise. It looked dead-on like the “real thing.” There are lots of options for lab-created stones so you can get exactly what you want at a price point that works also.

    • Anonymous

      Lab diamonds are real diamonds! If you really must go with “mined,” get a vintage one.

      I’m against new mined stones for ethical and environmental concerns.

    • anonymous

      I never had an engagement ring (though we got married) but if I had to choose one, I might do a sapphire.

      • Senior Attorney

        I had a sapphire for my first engagement ring and loved it (a Princess Diana style but WAY smaller).

        Second marriage, moissanite, also loved.

        This time around I have a vintage diamond that Hubby had laying around, in a new setting. LOVE.

    • anon

      My engagement ring is a lab grown diamond from Vrai. It is absolutely gorgeous and I highly recommend!

    • Anon

      I love older styles so my ring is estate. I got it at a local jeweler but there’s lots of eye candy on eBay.

    • Southern Brooklyn Native

      I have an estate ring — my MIL wanted my partner to use the stones from hers but she still enjoys wearing it so I thought that was unnecessary. While shopping for it, we visited a local jeweler who works with lab created and ethically sourced stones, and she told us that testers and jewelers could definitely tell the difference but that the naked eye cannot. She also told us that the market is getting flooded with lab created diamonds so they are not going to hold their value, and that the creating them in the lab is incredibly energy intensive so still has environmental concerns (though not the human rights ones). Both lab grown and estate/vintage have pros and cons. If all you care about is a pretty sparkly ring, I don’t think it’s wrong to go with a lab grown one. I don’t consider my ring an investment.

      For us, we decided on a 100+ year old estate ring, which I love, because that is what felt right to me personally (partner didn’t care either way) and also because I fell in love with this particular ring. We went with the jeweler we met with for custom engagement bands (no stones).

      There are also companies (like brilliant earth) that sell ethically mined natural diamonds — I did not do a ton of research on them so I don’t know how accurate these claims are. I did receive a pair of diamond studs as a gift that were purchased there and I love them.

  8. Root canal nerves

    I’m having my first root canal done soon and would love to know what to expect. My endodontist says I shouldn’t expect swelling in the following days–is that true from your experience? I have a major work event 3 days later where I don’t want to look dumb.

    I’m SUPER nervous bc I am a “rapid metabolizer” & often need a lot of anesthesia for someone of my size. The endo suggested a low dose of valium on that day to ease my nerves. If you’ve done this, was it worth it?

    Any other advice?

    • Anonymous

      I had a root canal a few years ago and other than a prescription dose of advil for the next two days that they gave me, it was fine. No swelling at all by the next day, though my jaw was still a little sensitive.

    • anon

      I’ve had more root canals than I can count. To me, their fearsome reputation–the stuff of metaphors–is undeserved. The procedure is definitely not painful, and every dentist has gone out of his way to make sure I felt nothing before proceeding. I’m trying hard to find something bad to say about them. Maybe you get tired of holding your mouth open? nIf so, hold your hand up and they’ll give you a break.

      Not sure if you were asking about valium when you said “if you’ve done this.” But I haven’t; I don’t have any valium anyway. I just waited for the topical anesthesia.

      I’m not all that brave, or one of those non-pain-feeling people AT ALL. But I do compare everything to childbirth, which I will never forget no matter what they say. Oh, also–IUD insertion with no anesthesia. And spinal tap WITH anesthesia. Ow ow ow.

      Oh, and I don’t even remember the aftermath, but I’d be very surprised if there were any effects three days later (or even sooner). The worst would be soreness from the shots, after the painkilling part goes away and your mouth “wakes up.” The next day at most.

    • Anon

      I’ve had two recently. No swelling after at all. A little sore for a day.

      I will say the anesthesia didn’t take the first time, so I had to come back. But none of that would have affected my ability to go to a work event three days later at all. and the fact that it didn’t take seemed like it was a super local reaction to that area of my mouth, not me in general.

    • Anon

      Mine didn’t hurt at all and there was no swelling, but it was a long time with my mouth open and I ended up with months of jaw pain after. I don’t have officially diagnosed TMJ, but do have a history of jaw pain, clenching, and headaches, so if you’re prone to that, it might be helpful to mention it and try to take some breaks when you can.

    • Anon

      It’s not that much different than getting a cavity filled but it felt like it took longer so the usual discomforts of dental work felt a little worse. I have pretty bad dental anxiety so my endo gave me one dose of an anti anxiety medication which helped some. If you have anxiety, I’d suggest preparing to do whatever you usually do to deal with it (meditation, breathing, positive imagery, etc.) I listened to music during the process which also helped some. It still wasn’t great but I made it through. I wasn’t really swollen afterwards but it did hurt a little for a few days. Good luck!

    • In-House in Houston

      I just had my first root canal about a month ago. It was no big deal at all! Zero swelling. No pain either. They told me to take a combo of Tylenol and Advil (I can’t remember the exact amount of each) to combat pain and inflamation. I took it as instructed (just one time) and then forgot about it. Regular activities, regular eating same day. They told me not to eat anything too hard until I get a crown on that tooth (and my appt with my regular dentist is today). You’ll be fine.

    • Anon

      Ok I’ve had a ton of dental work including maybe 6 root canals (my parents did not take me to the dentist as a child so I have crap adult teeth).
      1. Make sure you really talk with your dentist about what is happening. Clarify if the natural tooth will be preserved, and how much of it. Always ask this.
      2. Root canals often require 2-3 appts. 1 for the drilling in and root removal, after which you will have a hole in your tooth until apt 2, which is for filling, and appt 3 if you need a cap
      3. I never felt anything or had swelling after any root canal. After fillings however in once had pain that eventually went away

      If you are worried about pain mgmt, agree on a hand signal (like raising your hand/arm) to signal when you are in pain because you won’t be able to use your mouth during the procedure

      Do expect pressure, alarming whirring sounds, etc

    • Woof

      I have had many root canals–they are not that bad, truly. The hard part is the first injection or two of novicaine to get the site numb. I am a rapid metabolizer, too, and as soon as I could feel anything, I asked for more. Valium is fine, but then you need a driver/adult to bring you home. After the root canal, I only needed tylenol. Use ice on your face if you need to, but you probably won’t. A root canal is in the jaw bone, and bone does not swell like tissue does.

    • anon a mouse

      I also have strange reactions with anesthesia and have had a lot of root canals. Here’s what I would suggest:
      – an hour before your appointment, 2 or 3 advil to help minimize pain and swelling.
      – when you arrive at the appointment, take a half valium or xanax to take the edge off (be aware you may need someone to drive you home)
      – take headphones if you don’t know if your dentist offers them. It really helps me in a procedure to focus on listening to something instead of just listening to the room
      – alert your endo that you often need more anesthesia than expected. Twice I’ve had the anesthesia wear off mid-procedure – it’s no big deal to get more, but it is a little jarring
      – make sure you have soft foods that you like at home – soup, ice cream, jello, pudding, mashed potatoes, etc. The recovery was only rough for the day-of, for me, I had a little bit of pain but no residual swelling or issues the next day

      Good luck!

    • Anon.

      I’ve had a couple and would agree that it’s really no different than having a cavity filled, just takes a little longer. You should have zero swelling for your work event.

    • Anon

      Late but…one voice here to say that my root canal was the absolute worst pain ive ever experienced. There was 2 days between the 1st appointment ans the 2nd to get the cap put on. Air got trapped in the temporary filing, and felt like a sledge hammer was taken to my mouth until i got back in for the 2nd appointment. Apparently root canals are not supposed to be the worst pain ever, but things do happen.

    • Smokey

      Another late response here…I keep a small bottle of Valium on hand for things like this. An MRI, a difficult dental procedure, etc. Procedures that I am feeling really stressed out about. It’s amazing how that one little pill (sometimes 2) completely takes the edge off. I do this once or twice a year, if that, but it helps do much in certain situations. Highly recommend!

  9. Anonymous

    I’m trying to come to terms that my house is, was, and will always be messy. Can anyone point me to any interior style inspiration with stacks of papers and magazines, shoes by the door, etc, or the kind of place you can at least imagine being messy?

    • Anon

      Following because I’d love some “real world” design inspo. We’re redoing our tiny, windowless galley kitchen and it’s so hard to figure out what would look good when all the pictures are these gorgeous, light filled huge spaces.

      • Anne-on

        I really like Studio Dearborn for kitchen design inspo – their philosphy seems driven by making kitchens that are maximally designed for good, people-focused use (vs. design-driven kitchens where i swear nobody uses them and never thinks about where the cleaning supplies and trash cans go).

    • Anonymous

      Maybe English country cottage style? But trash your magazines and paper today you don’t need them.

    • Formerly Lilly

      I feel like the shabby chic style would accommodate this. Traditionally one thinks of the blown out cabbage rose prints and such, however there are more modern iterations with a more neutral and limited color palette. Either way, it’s a “lived in” look.

      • anon in brooklyn

        noraephroninteriors on Instagram (or just googling for stills from Nora Ephron movies).

      • Bonnie Kate

        I was going to suggest search for maximalist style. I just searched for “messy maximalist” on Pinterest and a bunch of interesting photos came up.

    • An.On.

      Try r/cozyplaces on reddit – they’re more real world than super upscale and you’ll see more crowded and messier areas. They aren’t professionally designed spaces though.

  10. Anon

    Longshot, but has anyone here tried the Forme Power Bra/IFGfit Posture bra? It’s supposed to help with your posture and I’m super intrigued but it’s $150 which seems like a ton to spend on a sports bra if it’s just a regular bra.

    • Diana Barry

      I tried it. It feels good, like it’s pulling your shoulders back a tiny bit. HOWEVER. I am a 32D and it squishes the girls beyond belief. If you are smaller cup size it would work better. I don’t wear it for long periods because I feel like it’s too much squish.

      • Anon

        OP here– thanks for the intel! Did you feel like it pinched your shoulders at all? I find regular racerback bras to be uncomfortable on the tops of my shoulders, worried this would cause the same issue.

        • Forme

          I have one too. No shoulder pinching. I am a 30D and it smushes my boobs pretty badly in size XS, but not painful. The S was more comfortable but not as effective. It helps with posture both while on and the rest of the same day, but I keep forgetting to wear it consistently.

  11. anon

    Can anyone recommend a twist up eyeliner that doesn’t get dry in two days? Drugstore brand preferred. Most that I have tried recently go on great the first use and then feel dry going on just a few days later. I am not skilled enough for liquid.

    • Cat

      Clinique’s Quickliner has served me well for… an embarrassingly long time. The one I’m currently using has lasted me at least 2 years of infrequent use (monthly?) without feeling dry at all.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Pre pandemic this was my go-to eyeliner. Thanks for the reminder that I should rebuy soon!

      • Belle Boyd

        I second this rec. It’s the only brand I use. It lasts all day, is reasonably priced, and they have a wide variety of colors (my go-to’s are smoky plum and gray.)

    • KW

      I use Cover Girl Ink It. It’s a gel pencil that twists up. I like it and it seems to stay on better/longer than some other gel pencils I’ve tried like Revlon ColorStay.

    • Anonymous

      I have purchased and re-purchased Covergirl perfect point plus eyeliner pencil over the years and love it. It is twist up so you don’t need to sharpen it and it goes on beautifully. I’ve never had one dry out. I love the brown and black shades. Unfortunately, the purple shade disappears on me, so I’ve given up on that particular shade.

  12. Anon

    Has anyone applied for a position in the NYC government and can speak to how long they take to make hires?

    • anon

      Totally depends. I’ve worked at two different agencies and it’s gone between months and like 4 days. part of the issue is the budget. So some agencies get the approval from Office of Management and Budget (OMB) beforehand and they can hire you quickly. At Corp Counsel, I’ve seen it go the other way around where the agency essentially makes you an offer and then you sit around for weeks and months waiting for OMB to approve.

    • Anon

      It took me six months from submitting my application to starting work, but I’m at an agency that gets OMB approval after they make the offer. If you’ve interviewed and they are “proceeding with your application” it more or less means that it’s all just paperwork and waiting, and not that they are still considering other candidates, if that helps.

      • Anon

        No, my application is still sitting in “submitted” several months later. I wish they’d just reject me so I can update my spreadsheet officially instead of just mentally writing the position off!

        • Anon

          Not familiar with NYC, but lots of governments never actually reject applications. I have applications for more than 2 years ago that are still listed as submitted or under review.

          My view is to just write the job off, and then it’s a happy surprise if you get called for an interview.

    • Southern Brooklyn Native

      Yes. Forever, for all the reasons everyone cited. I would not write it off completely until it changes in the system, but I do think they generally call people for interviews within 3 months of the position being posted — at least I’ve never gotten a call later than that. But I have gotten a call 2+ months after the position posted and my application.

    • Anonymous

      Lord, I do not work for the city government but work for a nonprofit that gets city capital allocations, and just reading “OMB approval” is so triggering. Glaciers move faster.

  13. KW

    Any recs for a wedding guest dress? I’m in the Midwest and the wedding/reception is on a Friday evening at a country club. The kicker is I’m 6′ tall, so a lot of things don’t fit properly, like the cute jumpsuits people always recommend or things with a waist tend to look like an empire waist on me. I also tend to wear more structured, sheath type of dresses, rather than the flowy, flowery dresses I see recommended a lot for spring weddings. I’m usually a size 8-10 or M. Less than $200 preferred.

  14. Anonforthis

    Does anyone have experience transitioning an adult cat from being an indoors-only cat to an outdoors-only cat? We currently live in the city with two cats (the older female cat is not an issue, and I’ve had her for 14 years). The younger, male cat is one we adopted as a kitten from an outside cat colony. I think he’s not truly feral, and rather sweet, but he is really destroying our house by peeing everywhere. He’s on prozac, and we’ve spent thousands of dollars on bladder-related surgeries, but ultimately vet thinks it’s probably behavioral and there’s not much else we can do. We will soon be moving to a large suburban house with a huge fenced yard. The vet suggested that perhaps he could be an outdoor cat. I don’t even know where to start. Do people use electric collars on cats (property is fenced but I assume cats will find ways out)? I would worry about him wandering into the street. How do you protect cat from rain and cold weather (heated cat house)? Just thinking about this makes me sad, but I know some cats truly love being outdoors. He does like sitting on our small patio currently.

    This is not the solution I want, but we can’t keep going like this. It’s causing serious issues in my marriage, because I’m a cat person and my husband is not. We can’t buy furniture without serious anxiety that he will destroy it, not to mention hardwood flooring. We get anxious about having people over because of potential pee spots/smells. I do not want to rehome the cat, and I don’t even know if we could find a good home for him given his peeing issues. Help!

    • anon

      I’m really sorry you’re going through this. FWIW, our cat (previously a stray) is having some of the same issues, and I wonder if this is where we’re going to end up. It’s a real issue.

      I have had outdoor cats in my past life. So while it doesn’t meet the modern ideal for kitties, it can be done, and done humanely. In our neighborhood, there is a kitty who has a home base with a family but also roams and has for years. He is beloved and people look out for him.
      – Does the cat have a place to seek shelter? A previous cat of ours was very comfy under our deck, but we also had this covered igloo-looking thing that he could use. When it’s really cold, would a garage + heat lamp be an option for you?
      – Obviously, some heavy-duty dishes and water bowls. I’d put them in multiple locations and make sure at least one of them is covered from the elements.
      – Your cat will definitely jump the fence at some point. And is scary, but there’s not much to be done other than to make sure he has a collar so people know he belongs to someone.
      – Do you have a utility room that you could use at nighttime? Basically, let him roam to his heart’s content during the day but have a nice, warm bed and litter box to come home to?

      I hope a few ideas work for you. And mostly, I’m sorry you’re having to make this decision! I do think some cats just never quite take to the domestic life.

    • Anonymous

      We adopted a similar kitten from a feral colony a, she had a similar peeing problem. We live in the U.K. and it’s common to have indoor/outdoor cats so she always got let out during the day and in before dark. I’d encourage you not to just put him outside when he’s grown up inside, but why not give access to outside in the daytime? Our cat just stopped the peeing inside on her own but actually what partly helped was when we moved house it seemed to ‘reset’ things, possibly as she hadn’t left the urine smell on the floors and new bedding? If your cat has had bladder surgery though that does suggest a physical problem and I’d really caution against just putting him outside with no indoor access. I sympathise though as it’s really hard to go through when they are making such a mess and we did find it a big strain. You’ll never be able to keep him constrained to the yard unless you get a catio.

    • Cb

      I’m your husband, and if I could pay someone a large chunk of cash to take my husband’s cat and give him a loving home, I would. The wee issues are better (after a really bad year) but the yowling…
      Our cat is now indoor outdoor and he’s been loads better since. We have a tile on his collar and he wanders around, mostly our garden but out into the woods, neighbourhood. He’d be miserable stuck inside so while it likely shortens his lifespan, at least he’s having a good life?

    • Anon

      I transitioned a female cat who started spraying in her later years – supposed to be male cats only but she didn’t get the memo. I had a sick child at the time and this was an absolute no from my child’s medical team. So I set up a bed on the porch and fed her outside and she adapted. One of my neighbors thought I was being cruel not letting her in at night so I told him the whole story and he took her in anyway, and then she peed on his bed and she was back outside.

      I’m in CA so the weather was ok for her to be outside.

      She lived a number of years this way and made it to a relatively old age for a cat.

    • Anonymous

      I’d honestly humanely put him down instead of kicking him out. Cats die outside. You shouldn’t have adopted him, you’ve done your best, lovingly say good bye.

      • Anon 2.0

        Omg, no, this is not the correct answer. Cats can, and do, live happy lives outside all the time. It might shorten his lifespan, yes, but let him live his glory years where he wants to!

      • anon

        No, this is not necessary! Let him live outdoors before euthanizing him, cripes.

    • Anonymous

      How do the cats interact? Does the younger cat want to play with the older cat, and are play advances rebuffed? Cats with a big age difference sometimes have conflict. It sounds like he is marking his territory because he is nervous. Does the other cat bully him? Ignore him?

      • Anonforthis

        They get along well now- mostly they snuggle. He used to drive her crazy. Neither of them is into playing, just snoozing around.

    • Anonymous

      How long has the cat been an inside only cat? And how attached is he to you?

      I think it just depends on the cat. I adopted a cat years ago from a shelter who rarely wanted to be inside. He loved being outside, could care less that I was home, just wanted me to feed him and open the door. I moved around a bunch with him and felt bad for constantly changing his home so I rehomed to my friend’s family who had a huge horse property and he is loving life being an outdoor cat with tons of property to roam.
      My current cat was also a shelter rescue who was found on the streets and he has no desire to ever go back outside after living the life of luxury inside. He also is my shadow and never wants to be away from me. He will cry if I go into the garage for just 2 minutes to put some trash away.

      Is your husband not a cat person in the sense that he just ignores the cat? Or does he yell at the cat for peeing? Or do any other behaviors where the cat knows he is not welcome? Since the vet says it is behavioral maybe it’s because of his current environment? Not trying to suggest your husband is abusing the cat in anyway, just that cats for sure know when someone doesn’t like them.

    • Senior Attorney

      I had a cat similar to this years ago — we got him as a kitten but he never liked being inside and ended up living outside with occasional visits inside. (It got to the point where he would most pointedly poop on our bed if we tried to keep him inside.) He was happy but the coyotes got him eventually. So I don’t think this is a terrible idea, just know that his life will be shorter, if happier, than if he’d been inside.

      • Senior Attorney

        Actually, re-reading your post, I think this is a good idea. Don’t let him destroy your house and your marriage!

    • Anonymous

      Maybe some sort of enclosed ‘catio’ or a couple of them linked by walkways?

    • Anonymous

      It is possible the larger house will make a difference. We had a semi-feral cat who did not pee all over but was noticeably happier and calmer when we moved to a much larger apartment.

      My brother had to make one of his cats semi-outdoor as it had an indoor #2 problem that their vet felt was related to nerve damage. For a while he was outside at night, with a heated house. However, I think he is spending more time indoors now as the accidents have gotten better over time (and they probably have no idea why).

    • anon

      Have you thought about building a catio attached to the house, with a heated pet house/bed in it? It could have a window into the house. Outdoors cats tend to live really short lives, but a catio might give the cat an outlet so he would wreck the house less? I am assuming the cat is neutered, because non-neutered cats do tend to spray a lot. Worse come to worst, the cat could live in the catio if it’s protected from the elements and temperature controlled enough for safety.

    • Anon

      Ready for the flames but this is why we won’t have cats ever again. We had two males that despite a lot of expensive veterinary intervention and a lot of products purchased, never did stop urinating inside inappropriately. In both cases, once we switched from keeping them indoors to installing a cat door they could go in and out of, the indoor peeing stopped. One died in his sleep at age 12 (right on our couch) and the other ended up rehoming himself to one of our neighbors, who had a cat our cat really liked (they were both fixed so not quite sure what the attraction was). He spent all his time in the neighbor’s yard or house and stopped coming back to our house even to eat, so we finally just allowed her to re-register his chip to her name and address. And then I said, no more cats for me. And now it turns out my son is allergic, so that settles it.

      We’ve had four dogs now with varying health issues, some of which were very expensive to deal with, but the inappropriate urinating (that required us to replace the flooring in two rooms in our previous house) was too much for me to deal with. I honestly don’t know very many people who’ve had male cats who haven’t dealt with the issue, and most of them dealt with it by allowing the cats to go outside at least part-time.

    • Anon

      Every outdoor cat my family has had was either hit by a car or eaten by a coyote, so I’m firmly in the indoor cat camp, though I understand that this won’t work for all cats or all situations. In your case, is there any way to do a screened in catio? Or maybe keep him in part of the house where he can’t do as much damage?

      When you say it’s behavioral, it does make me wonder whether it’s related to issues with the other cat or other kinds of stress. We also have cats that were born feral and are high anxiety. The male had some urinary tract issues at one point and the vet told us that stress was likely a factor. He’s super anxious about food, so we switched to free feeding him and he got much better (and bigger). This might not be the issue for your particular cat, but it does seem like there’s some chance that being in a bigger house and having more “safe” places could make things better. My cats are actually the opposite and hated our bigger house because they want everyone within sight at all times, but the point remains that environment does matter and you might have some other options in your new place that could lead to some improvements? I’m sorry, this is hard and I wish you the best!

    • Anonymous

      First- do you have at least 3 litter boxes? That is what is recommended for 2 cats and sounds like your cat may really benefit from that. Second- do you play with your cat? Spending a decent amount of time getting the cat to really engage in play with something like “Da Bird” cat toy can go a long way to get a cat to calm down. If both of those things don’t work, then I would consider transitioning him to an indoor-outdoor style where he still comes in when he wants to.

      With cats that are allowed outside on their own, there really is no confining them, so by transitioning him to be outdoor, you are accepting the risks of predators, cars, pests, etc. You will definitely need to increase the preventative medications he takes– I’m sure your vet would advise you on that.

      I know it’s hard to have a “difficult” pet. I wish you the best!

    • Anonforthis

      Thank you all for your kind and helpful replies!

      Our new house has lots of crawl space (with a concrete floor) under the wrap-around deck/porch, so I wonder if a heated space under there, with his food and water, would work. The catio also sounds like a good idea, though not sure how expensive that would be or how secure. My ideal scenario (aside from having a non-peeing indoor only cat) would be for him to roam during the day and come inside at night. But then he’s still exposed to the elements/predators and may still kill birds (and we also have a pond in our new yard with goldfish.. not sure they would be safe from him…). You’ve given me lots of food for thought. Thank you!

      • Senior Attorney

        I feel like a heated crawl space with food and water would be heaven for this boy!

        • Senior Attorney

          Also, I know I’m all over this thread, but I had a different cat who was outside during the day and inside at night, so it is definitely possible.

    • Anonymous

      My cat had a similar origin story. We transitioned him to being an indoor/outdoor cat and he seems much, much happier, and the indoor peeing issues resolved as well. He’s been going outside regularly for 8-9 years now. He stays inside when the weather’s bad and uses his box just fine. I know people have Opinions about outdoor cats, but for our particular cat, it was the right move.

    • anonshmanon

      I’d consider adding a bell to the collar. Outdoor cats can be pretty damaging to wild bird populations.

    • anon

      My neighbours had an ex feral cat they could not allow indoors due to similar issues. They wired electricity to a shed and bought a heated sleeping pad and a heated water fountain. We are in Canada where it gets very cold. Cat was shut into the shed at night and spent all day roaming free. Some cats are quite savvy and can avoid cars and predators for years. It’s been about a decade and the cat has now ‘retired’ indoors. The issues around marking just resolved with age. But this cat has had a wonderful life with lots of love. The occasional scrape or injury, but lots and lots of love. It can be done.

    • Anon

      I had a cat who would not stop peeing inappropriately inside, and I think he was genuinely happier to become a mostly outdoor cat. I say mostly because we had a cat door that led from the back of our garage to the backyard. So his domain became the garage and yard. He had a comfy bed and food and toys in the garage, and at night I’d make sure he was inside and put on the cat door cover so he was safe at night. He did roam during the day, but he always came home. After he passed, I realized he was keeping the mice at bay.

  15. Anon

    I’m looking for the perfect dress flats. I’ve been WFH for 2+ years and my feet and knees can’t go back to even low heels (which I learned the hard way at my first conference in two years this week.)

    So, black, dressy (not at all sneaker adjacent), and with either a high vamp or an instep strap to keep them on my feet. Bonus if the medium width is roomy in your experience – I’m usually not quite an actual W width but some shoes are too narrow for me in M.

    What are your favorite dressy flats?

  16. anon

    Where should I buy bras? I have a couple of thirdlove bras which I liked well enough, but I’m a 30D/30DD so the lack of band size 30 now is an issue for me. I’ve been wearing knix (and sports bras) through the pandemic, but now that I’m going out more often and dressing up in stuff that’s lower cut, those aren’t working for me anymore.

    • Anon

      You should do the whole measure your 5 measurements at home and use the redd1t abrathatfits calculator, then just try on a bunch of bras in your size (which may shock you!). I like Nordstrom Rack for the try ons because no one is bugging you.

      Getting fitted at Nordstrom never quite gave me the right size. The r measurement was much, much better. And the ladies in that sub will help you so much finding the right size and bra for your shape if you ask for help.

    • anon

      Go to a local bra shop in person. I am the same size as you and you need to try on so many before you find something that works, it’s easier to just set aside a few hours and then be done for like a year than buy a million online and return.

    • anon

      There was a post on You Look Fab recently about bra shopping. I think there were some recommendations in the comments about where to find smaller band sizes.

      https://youlookfab.com/2022/03/23/bra-shopping-woes-and-solutions/

      I agree with the advice about abrathatfits on Reddit. I went to Soma and got fitted for bras that work in their size. However, I’ve had them for a couple of years and they are starting to stretch out a bit.

    • Shelle

      I found recommendations from A Bra That Fits Reddit posts. In their Reddit page there is a Wiki that links you to a shape guide that you’ll need in addition to your size. There I found posts and a database with recommendations for a 28D/30D with a shape that is shallow with a wide root. For example if you’re the same size but full on top or have a narrow root, the recs will be different. It’s so much work! But I’m very happy now.

      • Anon

        This is me. Any current purchases that are working for you? My favorite bra that I’ve hoarded is no longer made and my hoard is aging and it’s about time to shop.

        • Shelle

          Natori Feathers and Natori Cherry Blossom (the latter doesn’t show through t-shirts). Odd colors are always discounted on third party sites. But first I ordered a bunch on Nordstrom in slightly different sizes to nail the fit. Natori band size runs small so try one band size up, or I use an extender to give a smidge more breathing room. Good luck!

    • Bra

      I am also a 30C/D. I have been fitted and tried all sorts of bras. If you have the money, Freya has been my favorite of the high end variety. However, I wear the Aerie Sunnie bra on a daily basis and have been surprisingly happy with the fit and quality. I have been wearing them for years.

    • Anon

      I’m a 30G and I buy mostly from Bare Necessities. They’re out of NJ, so the shipping and returns are reasonably fast for me in the NE.

      • Anonymous

        The UK in general is fabulous for 30D and 30E, go bra shopping if you’re ever there.

  17. Anon

    Has anyone successfully broken the “I have to earn it” mindset? I grew up being taught that everything from school clothes to parental affection had to be earned. It’s made me very productive in that this mindset plus my anxiety makes me accomplish tasks early, tackle more, and be a perfectionist. However, it’s harming me now as I see love as something to be earned, which means red flags aren’t seen as reasons to run but challenges to complete to earn the person’s love. As a result, I’ve had some horrible romantic and platonic relationships. I also struggle with self-care as it doesn’t feel earned, so I either overdo it before the self-care or spend the self-care time feeling guilty followed by overdoing it to compensate, which undoes the purpose of self-care. I am working with a therapist now and will keep doing so, but I’m curious if anyone here has the same struggle or has succeeded in breaking it and has tips.

    • Cat

      I don’t have a subscription to read that, but feel like the balance of chores in my life is equitable. A key reason for this, I suspect, is that I don’t micromanage the way DH does his chores. If I nagged him about the ‘best’ way to clean the bathroom, I would be rewarded with… cleaning the bathroom myself. That is not the ideal outcome, lol.

      • Anon

        Yes! I had to un-learn micromanaging the way he does chores, but it’s so much better this way. Also, if others struggle with this, I’ve found physically removing myself the most effective. Does my husband fold towels like a lunatic so they come out looking like hot dogs? Yes. Do I care as long as the laundry is done and put away? No (mostly).

      • Anon

        Yeah mine does all the house daily chores in between having the cleaner come and I handle home repairs. We both pitch in on bigger tasks like post-party clean up and throw some money at the issue. It’s not that hard.

      • Anon

        I posted the link and actually my husband would say he does 80% of the chores, and I would agree. The upside of OCD tendencies (diagnosed) I guess – no one else does it “right.”

      • Cb

        Agreed, that plus the weekly cleaner for an hour, so neither of us is ever doing proper cleaning. I think I do 60% of home stuff, my husband does 60% of parenting, as I travel 3 nights a week half the year. And while we occasionally get annoyed with each other, it’s rooted in too much overall to do rather than someone not doing their fair share.

    • Anon

      What I hate is when something in our house is not where it’s supposed to be but if I ask my husband about it he says “I don’t know” before I even finish my question. I didn’t move the thing, so he must have! He just doesn’t bother caring to remember.

    • Senior Attorney

      Oh, man, the best thing I ever did was to move in to the house my husband had been living in for 30 years, and taking care of solo for 10 years! First time ever I’ve lived with a man who actually takes ownership of household tasks and it’s great!

    • Anon

      Twice when I’ve been in a friend’s house during a party and the husband asks where something is, I asked who decided on the set-up (both times this occurred in the kitchen). This led to conversations about how people often shove things anywhere when moving in, and that initial “choice by necessity” sticks.

      Consequently, DH and I emptied our kitchen cabinets, cleaned and scrubbed them, and reset them based on what we mutually agreed made the most sense after years of living here and establishing cooking-eating-washing habits. Now nobody asks where anything is.

      • Senior Attorney

        And relatedly, we have discovered that this is a project that actually needs to be re-done every couple of years because stuff just accumulates, and needs change, and what made sense a while back no longer does.

    • anon

      My husband would do all of our household/shared work if I didn’t struggle to do my part. And there are things he won’t let me do at all b/c “I do it wrong” like putting groceries away. His mom got sick when he was young and he ended up being the surrogate mom of the household, so I guess old habits die hard. Plus his love language is acts of service

  19. Horse Crazy

    Paging Curious and Anon from late yesterday who recommended the BackJoy cushion for me: Which of these two is it? Links in comment.

  20. Anon

    HELP! I thought I put the 8 eggs to boil and then turned off the burner. Oops — 8 eggs boiled for 30-68 0 minutes. Reboot and start over with new eggs? I’ve googled gray over-boiled egg pics, but those seem to be for 10-hours of boiling. WWYD?

    • Anon

      They’ll probably have a greenish ring around the yolk but will otherwise be fine. If you’re just boiling them to dye them and hide them, no problem.

        • Belle Boyd

          They’ll be okay for deviled eggs. Mine always get that grey-green ring around the yolks and I just use them. Once you mash up the yolks and add your ingredients, you don’t notice it. I always add mustard to my deviled eggs, so that tends to add a bit more yellow color anyhow. And I’ve boiled my eggs until the pan went dry (oops!) It’s just one of those things…. You get busy, get distracted and next thing it’s “oh sh!t, I forgot about the eggs.” And I don’t know about where you are, but where I am, eggs are too flippin’ expensive right now.

      • PolyD

        Why not? They might be kind of tough, but there’s nothing wrong with them.

      • Sybil

        Obviously? That’s silly. I’ve done it before and they’re a little more rubbery but are perfectly edible. My mom once had boiling eggs on the stove and left the house. She came home a couple hours later to exploded eggs all over the kitchen. Obviously she didn’t eat those.

    • PolyD

      I’d probably just eat them. I once re-boiled already boiled eggs and they were a little tough/rubbery, but I found them edible. But I’m pretty relaxed about hard boiled eggs – I don’t care if the yolk is a little gray or greenish.

      If they’re for deviled eggs, maybe boil a couple more with the idea that adding a few eggs with yellower cooked yolks will dilute out any gray or green color, although I haven’t really noticed that that comes through in deviled egg filling.

    • Anan

      Make Taiwanese Tea Eggs! When I was growing up the way my mom made them, they always had a grey rings around the yolks.

      • Anonymous

        excellent idea – OP, if you do this, all you have to do is crack the shells a bit and let the eggs marinate for hours. Works really well if you have a slow cooker/crock pot, even the “keep warm” setting on an instant pot.

        Ahh memories of the Taiwanese 7-11s coming back to me and smelling the distinctive tea egg smell…

  21. AIMS

    Is it typical for a hotel to charge more depending on the number of room occupants? I have heard that hotels will charge extra if you have more than two adults and two kids staying in a room but I just noticed that the hotel I am trying to book for the summer lists different prices for the same room depending on whether I include my kids or not. This seems weird but maybe it’s not? Just curious.

    • SC

      I think it’s pretty unusual. I’ve seen it in hotels that have extra amenities, like a kid’s zone or a big pool/water park area. When I saw it, I was annoyed that I had to pay for a third person to stay in a room with 2 queen beds, particularly at a hotel that markets itself to families with children.

    • Anon

      They’re all a bit different. Among big chains, the majority don’t, but it’s not unusual when it happens. More common with mom&pop places.
      Source – handles corporate travel for org of 40k+ people. Travel is a nightmare right now.

    • Anon

      We just took a spring break trip and did pay more for 4 people in a room (two adults, two young adult kids) but it was a nominal charge and it wasn’t a big deal. I think it was about towel usage.

  22. Elle

    Does anyone have suggestions for high quality white crew neck or v neck t shirts? LL Bean’s tees are too boxy on me and J crew’s material is so flimsy and see through.

  23. Anonymous

    I’m buying a condo! Thank you to everyone who sent good vibes a few weeks ago. The offer was accepted, P&S signed, mortgage is in process. I close in 3 weeks. Any tips? I’m a first time homebuyer and only the 2nd person in my family to own a property. This is a big deal for me!

    • Anon

      YAY!! Congratulations!

      Start getting rid of your crap you don’t want to move now.

      Pay attention to your inspection (attend in person if possible) and do any inconvenient repairs before you move in. It’s good to have a week or two where you own the new place but can still stay in the old place and get this done.

      • Cat

        +1 to all of this!

        Consider painting (even if just the trim) before you move in. it’s a lot easier without having to move or cover furniture.

      • Anonymous

        I did attend the inspection. The inspector was phenomenal, explaining so much info and tips! Fortunately there’s nothing major, but I am having a few things done before I move in. I have a 3 week overlap between closing and getting out of my current apartment, so that is helpful.

        • Anon

          Oh three weeks is awesome. Hope you can take some of that time off work. How fun!

        • Anon

          (you see how I assumed that you’d do the inspection after the accepted offer because of how the market has been lately!)

  24. Cb

    I posted a few weeks ago about struggling to finish the thing…and I’ve finished the thing (a revision to a journal article). And now it won’t let me submit it and everyone who can help has gone on holiday… but at least it’s done??? Now I can do the other things I have to do, which are honestly less scary and terrible.

  25. Anon B

    I’m going to a conference soon in a male-dominated industry. I expect the dress code will range from formal to the formal side of business casual. I’ve got the suiting/separates strategy down, but can you recommend any, say, shells or shirts with some punk or neon elements? I’m trying to figure out how to be more comfortable in my own skin in that environment after so much WFH, but subtly. A dress that approaches business formal with a bit of punk would be fabulous too. I’m pear-shaped, I guess. Budget under $600 or so.

      • Anonymous

        Commenter above – I pressed reply too soon. I meant to say, IDK about your definition of punk, but I have a black CK shell with gold trim that is a bit edgy. Kasper has a wide range of colors, not sure about neon but definitely bright colors are available from that line. Have a fantastic conference!

    • Anonymous

      No advice just commiseration. I’m always a little salty flipping up my septum ring and hiding my tattoos because some stodgy old white guy won’t accept that I’m the expert otherwise.

    • Anon

      Wear your punk t-shirts under your blazer at the conference. Maybe lug-soled shoes with an otherwise business outfit. I would think that was cool.

    • Anonymous

      I would also think about shoes for this purpose. For instance, m gemi has a magenta python flat in a very traditional cut. (I have found their flats excellent for walking at conferences.)

    • Anon

      Following, because this is my preferred aesthetic as well.

      I don’t know if you’re a jewelry person, but Alexis Bittar has some pretty necklaces that have some bright pops of neon that I really love.

    • Anon

      I have a fair amount of second hand Rag & Bone that I think is kind of this look. And Helmut Lang, if you’re tiny enough that it would fit you and some things from Akris, too.

  26. Anon for This

    In two years I think this is my first covid related post.
    We were extremely cautious pre-vax (bc kids), but have loosened up significantly. We’re in a low positivity area. Everyone’s healthy and not-health-compromised in any way.
    Got word this morning that a friend that we hung out with last night tested positive this morning. Per my work’s guidelines, I put on a KN95 mask and kept on trucking. The kids really weren’t around (they were there but not within close contact definition) so I feel pretty comfortable just saying that DH and I were close contacts.
    I am following my work’s guidelines (mask, test, let us know if you pop a positive).
    I KNOW I am going to get grief from DH on this. He isn’t going to want to wear a mask for 10 days, he isn’t going to test himself… and I don’t feel like I can force him to?
    If I were to respectfully say, Honey, this is the price we are paying for living in a functional society, sometimes you have to look out for the greater good, please just put on a mask and do a rapid test (and possibly don’t hang out with other friends this weekend, etc) – I will be flamed for being a liberal sheeple, told that I am being ridiculous, this infringes on his rights, he’s tired of looking out for everyone else, etc. He is 100% going to pressure me to just not tell anyone. He’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous for wearing a mask during Easter service.
    In the next 10 days we have a small family gathering for Easter, one of the kids has a birthday party (again, I really don’t include the kids in this, but…) and he’s going to want to hang out with friends, carpool to sports practices, etc.
    I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just screaming into the void at this point. I know that this is a problem… but I don’t know (and haven’t been able to figure out for the past year or so and yes, I’m looking into therapy) if it’s worth blowing up our 20 year marriage.

    • Anon

      I just want to say you have my sympathy. It sounds like a really tough position to be in and I hope you can find a good therapy option!

    • Anon

      Your husband sounds awful and this makes me question your greater relationship. He’s going to “flame” you? OMG

      • Anonymous

        Not necessarily. My very considerate, extremely liberal husband has also been captured by the “freedom” rhetoric around mask-wearing. I blame the CDC. He was fine with masks until the CDC said “Covid’s over! Throw the masks away unless your hospital is already overwhelmed!” Now he resents wearing one because he doesn’t see other men wearing them and thinks it makes him look henpecked. I think the same has happened to a lot of men.

        • Anon

          He sounds like he’s no longer considerate, extremely liberal. You might want to re-think that description.

          • anon

            I saw it happen to a formerly close (male) friend. It’s freaking sad. I don’t know how or why the toxic masculinity finally made it his way, but it was ugly.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah. It is inconceivable to me that he’s not willing to at least do a rapid test.

    • Anonymous

      Is this the only time ever he’s like this with you, or is this just another example of how he treats you when the two of you disagree about something?

    • An.On.

      Your husband doesn’t need to be 100% on the same page or even supportive, necessarily, but he is actively ridiculing you and trying to prevent you from personally choosing to be safe? He’s being a garbage husband at the moment, sorry. I hope this is an aberration for him.

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