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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Faux Wrap Knit Dress

Faux wrap dresses are great for providing all of the figure-flattering elements of a wrap dress without the fussiness of making sure everything stays wrapped tightly.

This black-and-white floral print feels a little spring-y but could really be worn in any season if you added tights and boots. I particularly like the contrasting belt and trim at the sleeves to make it a little more interesting.

I like adding a bit of color to black-and-white outfits — for this one, I’d probably do a chunky necklace or a brightly-colored shoe. (Is anyone else completely opting out of big earrings for the foreseeable future? I’m constantly getting them caught on my mask!)

The dress is $129 at Talbots and available in misses sizes XS–XL and petite sizes P–XL. Right now you can get 25% off your purchase, which brings the price down to $96.75.

A plus-size option is also at Talbots — this faux wrap dress is on final sale at $49.99 and comes in sizes X–3X.

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

377 Comments

  1. Shopping help!

    My sister and I are not bridesmaids at our other sister’s wedding but we would like to coordinate outfits. So the other non-bride sister is wearing a soft pink silk dress, which I will link in reply, and my mom is wearing a champagne colored lace dress that has a bit of rose undertones. Their dresses are both long and pretty formal. I’d be okay with short as long as it was formal. I’d be okay with anything that coordinates – so maybe not pink unless it was different enough, some sort of burgundy in the right tone, gold, etc. Anyone seen anything worth considering? Price is anywhere up to probably $500 for the right dress.

    2. When I clicked onto your sister’s dress link, there were several listed beneath it that are similar styles that might work. I think gold could be lovely, but be careful not to get too close to a bridal look. Burgundy is one of my favorite colors, but it is more of a winter color imo. A soft pastel blue could be nice. Otherwise, these are both in the pink tones and on sale!:
      Not sure if it is your style but this could match all the dresses: Theia Floral Cold-Shoulder Chiffon Gown
      I like this beading on this one too: Theia Flounce-Sleeve 3-D Embroidered Gown

    3. I like the idea of coordinating non-matching dresses. I think short is fine if it’s dressy enough, but not sure about burgundy if it’s a spring or summer wedding. I think even a print could work – dressy print dresses can be so striking.

      4. oh I LOVE that one!

        OP, thanks for the excuse to look at lots of pretty dresses this morning :)

        1. Yes–Thank you OP and also thanks to those of you doing this vicarious shopping. These are beautiful!

    7. No ideas, but I just loved coming here, seeing this question, and opening 10 tabs of beautiful dresses. So fun.

          1. I hate when people ask questions like this. From the way you framed it, obviously you don’t feel good about it (him?/them?). I have no idea what you’re talking about and would still buy a gorgeous dress if I had a need for it.

          2. Marchesa was what Harvey Weinstein made all of his actresses wear to award shows. Because his wife (who kicked him out and then took him back) designed them.

            I loved her dresses back then and thought they were perfect for the red carpet (so: nothing I need IRL). But I initially thought she split with him to save her label and then was surprised that they had gotten back together. I know that they have kids together (boys IIRC) but still. It’s Harvey.

          3. Where are you seeing that they got back together? My google is saying they divorced and she was most recently dating Adrian Brody? Can’t find anything that suggests they’re together?

          4. Where are you seeing that they got back together? My google is saying they divorced and she was most recently dating Adrian Brody? Can’t find anything that suggests they’re together?

    8. I really like Adrianna Pappell dresses for special occassions: https://www.adriannapapell.com/collections/dresses?color=blush&color=beige&color=pink&page=1
      For lucky sizes only, this one is lovely (and is an incredible bargain): https://www.adriannapapell.com/products/one-shoulder-tulle-dress-with-scroll-lace-bodice-in-blush-ap1e200733

      Some other possibilities:
      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-floral-brocade-sleeveless-fit-flare-cocktail-dress/5827731?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&fashioncolor=Beige&color=655
      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/mac-duggal-embellished-cowl-neck-flutter-sleeve-mesh-dress/5575483?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&fashioncolor=Beige&color=250

      I also agree with Anon at 9:07 that burgundy could be really pretty. Or maybe a deep rose. My sister and I did a similar non-matching but coordinating thing for our dad’s wedding–she wore a pale periwinkle beaded dress and I wore Navy chiffon and it looked great in pictures.

      1. You people are THE BEST. The best. There is none better. Thank you sooooo much! I have really been struggling and now I have so many good ideas, I don’t know what to do!

      1. My wedding dress was a Tadashi Shoji. So comfy, and it ran large which helped my vanity lol

    13. i now feel invested in this dress hunt. can you please report back what you end up picking?

      3. Yes, same. I’m actually at the point where I may just buy a dress like this to wear around the house because why TF not?

        The big resistance is going to be trying to convince myself to wear something other than slipper clogs with it.

  2. Quick poll: how do you all feel about “you guys” on Zooms and in work meetings to addressed mixed-sex groups? Our workplace had a DEI trainer come in who suggested using terms like “folks” and “everyone,” but it didn’t seem to catch on and almost everyone in my office (and actually women more than men) is still saying “you guys” or “hey guys.” Full disclosure, I use it myself and have no issues at all hearing it from anyone else (and I consider myself a pretty intense feminist who goes farther than most people I know on feminist stances). I have halfheartedly attempted to switch but it just truly does not bother me…

    1. I don’t care. I have experienced some truly horrific harassment at work (I work in tech adjacent to O&G, which is like bro inception) and crowd word choice is not even remotely on my radar. I’m too busy dealing with colleagues who receive no consequences for asking me about my favorite sex acts.

      1. Agreed. I’d rather an org focus on sex discrimination that has a demonstrably negative impact on women’s careers. Enforcing “inclusive” language while tolerating harassment, pay gaps, and unequal opportunities for women is less than helpful.

        1. It’s like SF renaming its schools, which would be fine if they had run out of other actual problems, gone in-person, closed the achievement gap, etc. But it’s a good photo-op for a day while costing $ to implement and not really doing their job, which is to actually educate city kids. [And I understand they’ve put that on pause.

          Low-grade (if that) language-policing is not the hill I am going to die on.

    2. I don’t use it myself but don’t really care. I’d start a meeting with “good morning everyone”

    3. “You guys” doesn’t bother me at all. It would bother me more to be told that it’s now offensive and is to be avoided.

      1. +1. I honestly prefer it to “folks.” (Not sure what my hang up is with folks, it just bothers me for some reason.)

        1. First, I believe it’s “folx” now (I’m serious, I’m not sure what is gendered about folks) and I, too, have never liked the term. It’s a little too homespun for me.

          1. I’ve been using folks for years (not even for gender reasons, just cause) and folx irrationally bothers me. I’m really, really not sure what the issue with folks is.

            That being said, I use guys as often as I use folks. I’m also an outspoken feminist.

          3. I really hate “folx.” I mean, I don’t mind “Latinx,” I don’t really mind “womxn,” and I’m trying to stop using “guys,” but FOLX, I just can’t.

          4. Hard no on folx and womxn and chestfeeding, don’t care much about folks but it’s not my preference. It has these weird faux-friendly vibes to me. Like I mentioned, I’m still used to “guys” but I do also sometimes use “everyone.” Not in the south so it would feel a bit affected to say y’all to my ear.

          6. We skew towards inclusive language (eg, “chestfeeding,” “sex assigned at birth”) as the default in our medical training just to get over the initial weirdness of the switch and to make sure we are comfortable using it when we need to. In normal practice, I mostly use with certain patients because I know it’s important to them and it’s not a bit deal for me. But then I work in clinics in the PNW where patients specifically come to us because they know we’re sensitive to that sort of thing, so…

        2. I also do not like “folks,” it just seems condescending to me? I think I associate it with context that begins “listen up folks,” followed by some directive. It may also be that I’ve only ever heard men use it so it gets paired with a bunch of other patronizing language.

          1. “Folks” sounds faux-country to me, one step above “y’all” which is charming if you’re actually from the South but if not, it’s an affectation.

    5. I don’t care. Folks sounds patronizing and “everyone” is a mouthful. “Hi all” maybe…. but again, I don’t really care.

      1. In writing, I use “all” frequently but I know some people (including my husband) hates that. He’s okay with it if it includes a greeting like “Good morning, all, …” I just start things with “All,”. I only know he dislikes it because he was complaining about the 5th email or so he had received with it that day and I was like, oh, I do that all the time.

        We all have our quirky dislikes. I HATE with the passion of 1000 firey suns “please advise.”

        1. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an email that said ‘All,’. Our corporate culture tends towards ‘Hi all’ or ‘Hello all,’ or ‘everyone’ instead of ‘all’ but I’ve never seen it without a hi/hello/good morning prefix and I’d definitely read that as abrupt.

          1. Same here. “All” by itself sounds abrupt to my ears, too. Like if you stood up to greet a room of people at a meeting, would you stand up and just say “All. We are here to get your input on X” or would you say “Hi all” or “good morning all” etc

      2. Lol “everyone “ is my default. I’m not overly fussed about “guys” but you cannot seriously argue that saying “everyone” is too hard.

    6. I feel like guys is pretty much gender neutral, but I’m also from Philadelphia so ymmv.

    7. In my line of work, the problem with “you guys” is that it’s too informal and familiar for our audiences.

      1. Try “youse guys” then. It sounds like if they don’t listen up, there may be unpleasant consequences. They get formal real quick, especially if you have a baseball bat handy. After that, “you guys” should sail through with relief.

        :) Also a friend from Philly.

    8. Don’t care and it feels like a big performative distraction (“guys – whoops folks!!!)” when we are still dealing with issues of pay equity and senior women getting treated like secretaries in meetings.

      1. And to be clear, I do think that words matter in the workplace, but this particular word does not matter to me.

      2. Agreed! Please stop asking me to take notes, or circulate the notes, or summarize the call, when it is not my call, and I am the most senior(and only female) on the call, attending to provide guidance. I don’t care if the person opens the call by saying you guys, but I definitely care when I get stuck with the administrative follow up. This happens all the time, but I think senior folks who have to show a commitment to diversity and inclusion are much more comfortable asking people to stop saying you guys. It is just as easy out.

    9. I am feminist AF and it doesn’t bother me at all. If the kids raise it, I’d switch because I think the kids are alright but if no one is raising it, I think it’s the non-southern version of you all and is pretty gender neutral.

    10. I’m from New Jersey and think that this is the office version of Youse Guys, so widely understood not literally but as “people in my presence. (And this who are dialed in.)”

    11. I’m in the south, so “you guys” would be weird because it’s not “y’all”.
      I had to train myself out of “youse” (grew up Philly-adjacent) when I first moved here.

      1. My parents are southern, so I grew up knowing the concept of “you plural,” which isn’t really a concept in written English (but definitely in spoken habits in the US) but made perfect sense when I started learning Spanish. “Youse guys” is 100% a regional equivalent.

          2. Not joking. That’s an actual usage. Y’all is one or two people, or a family. All y’all is a big group of people or more than one family.

          3. All y’all is for use when there is a whole world of trouble. As in “all yall better get in this house right now…”

          4. Texan here. For me, “y’all” is basically “you lovely people,” good for two people or ten, and fairly low key. “All y’all” and “y’all all” are a more serious “every single ONE of you.” Like a band director who said “all y’all need to show up on time for rehearsal.”

    12. I use hi everyone/all/you guys pretty much interchangeably. Folks seems cheesy. I agree that in general words matter but I don’t feel like this turn of phrase is where we need to be spending mental energy right now.

    13. I don’t think this is a big deal at all. “Hey guys/you guys” is a colloquialism. Folks sounds very … folksy. I have one colleague who uses that term, but it sort of fits his cowboy-ish personality. From anyone else, I think it would be super weird. “Everyone” is better, but it doesn’t quite roll off the tongue.

    14. I wouldn’t mind it. But saying “hi guys” strikes me as really casual and unprofessional and wouldn’t fly in my workplace for that reason. And I’m not even in an overly formal workplace. People usually stick with “good morning” or “hello all” as a greeting on my calls.

      1. I’ve also never heard someone in a meeting in my workplace identify people by saying “you guys”. I dunno. It sounds like I’m in the minority but that would strike me as strange. We would say “which team will work on this then?” or “have you all commented yet?” etc.

        1. Some of this may be regional. In Philly “you guys” (the formal of “youse guys”) is pretty ubiquitous for groups of any s-x (including those that are all women).

    15. I personally see no problem with it. We have bigger issues to deal with than some social slang. That said I tend to opt for the more neutral ‘hey team’ for internal meetings or ‘good afternoon everyone’ for external more formal events.

    16. I use “you guys” a lot but have been trying to use “those of us” or “folks” or “everyone” or “hi all” more.

    17. I don’t mind it at all but it’s as ubiquitous as “y’all” to my yankee ears. I have always said “folks” as an alternative that feels a little less casual to me. But folks here have told me they HATE “folks” so I kind of give up. I’ve even tried “friends,” because it sounds like I’m a folk singer relaying an anecdote between verses and tends to elicit laughs.

      ( I should note that there are only two modes of public speaking in my professional life; I’m either presenting to collegues very casually and trying to be entertaining or talking to Judges very formally. It will be strictly “Your Honors” next week at oral argument- wish me luck!)

      1. I use folks a lot too! I feel like I come by it honestly though, I grew up in a rural area and I’ve been saying it for years. I probably use guys, folks, and all equally in different contexts.

        2. Definitely regional. “Folks” and “friends” seems to tick people off in my Philly-adjacent area.

      2. I would probably be “all y’all’s honors” (preferable to “youse honors” tho).

    18. I’m also a pretty hardcore feminist (especially in my not remake friendly office) and I have no problem with saying you guys. I say it both in work and non work getting.

      I tend to say folks when dealing with external partners (guys feels pretty casual), but I’ve been saying folks for years (so, before there was a gender consideration about using guys).

      The thing I don’t love is that girls is the equivalent of guys, most of the time. There isn’t a great term to casually refer to a group of women (ladies makes my skin crawl), so people defer to girls which I hate

      1. “Gals” is the equivalent of “guys” in my neck of the woods. I had a boss who used to say it to refer to a collective group of us and it made my skin crawl. Especially since he was using it to delineate us – “we’re down one secretary today, see if some of the gals can help out” (that literally happened, never mind that we are in the same profession as the “guys” who would never be asked to do such a thing.)

        Gals is condescending in a way that Guys is not.

      2. There is a big push for “Gals” to be the equivalent in my universe (big city in southwest). More grown up than girls, less formal than Ladies. Its growing on me.

    19. Does not bother me in the slightest and I use it often in personal life, but agreed with a couple of others, in my not-super formal workplace I’m having a hard time envisioning it being actually used in a situation. But I guess that’s besides the point of the question.

      1. In my workplace it’s usually “what do you guys think?” and “do you guys want to reschedule?” and stuff like that. We also get a lot of “hey guys” upon joining a Zoom meeting. We are a small office that is historically pretty informal and we don’t have any true tech bros present (thankfully).

    20. In Texas, we say “ya’ll”. :-) “Folks” is probably a close second, but ya’ll actually feels more natural. “You guys”, “all”, and “everyone” are also used. I’m typically the only, or one of the few, women in meetings, and sometimes men apologize for using “you guys” but honestly it doesn’t bother me. I feel in this context, “guys” is gender neutral.

    21. I don’t love when progressives language police benign things. Conservatives/centrists are already exasperated by all the “new” language and rules they have to learn because no one ever taught them manners. It’s reallllyyyy hard to get people to change a long-held habit/verbal tic. They might begrudgingly accept things like – no it’s not ok to say “welcome gentlemen” at the beginning of a mixed gender meeting. Heck even judges still struggle with that one. See also getting people to not use “that’s gay” to mean “that’s bad.” I think we should focus everyone’s energy on uprooting truly problematic language. If you make it seem like “guys” is just as bad as “gentlemen” then compliance is going to suffer.

      I’d like to see things like “guys” framed as best practices. I know that I’m on a path of personal growth to understand and grapple with my own biases. I want to learn! I want to improve my language! But not everyone is there, and we still need those people to not say bad stuff.

      1. “Conservatives/centrists are already exasperated by all the “new” language and rules they have to learn because no one ever taught them manners.”

        Sigh. I agree. So much of what people lament as “political correctness” is just simple manners. But I’m really ok with “guys” in a casual setting.

        In re: “gentlemen”: I asked an intern to draft me a pleading and she came back with some outdated template that said “gentlemen” at the top. I had to laugh; she I, the judge and our adversary are all women. No “gentlemen” were going to read it.

        1. I think some of it is manners, but I also think the elite also has an issue of “luxury language” use that excludes people who didn’t go to Ivy League universities. So many language “rules” are deeply elitist to begin with and it’s even more elitist to act like regular people are idiots for not getting it/not keeping up fast enough.

        2. Or they have manners and learned a specific term that was politically correct when they were young and are having a hard time unlearning it later in life.

          I am in my 50s. As a child the correct term for people of African ancestry was “black”. Then it became “African-American” – which I thought was stupid but learned to say because I think we should call people what they want to be called. And then I had to switch back to “Black” (capitalized this time). And remembering a new word in conversation is harder than I would have imagined. It gave me a whole new level of sympathy for my grandmother who lived through multiple such changes and was trying hard but had a hard time remembering not to use the (polite) term that she had grown up with.

          And I still think Latinx is really stupid but act is partly because I live in Southern California and most of the people I know to whom it would apply hate it with a fiery passion.

      2. I think the difference between language that really matters to change and language preferences (like the difference between guys and folks) is that, for example, the samples you just referenced are objectively wrong (gentlemen when there are women being addressed) or using someone’s *exual preference as an insult. Those are objectively wrong or bad. Guys has been used in a gender neutral way for decades and is not something to get up in arms about. I truly understand not wanting to hang on to every language change trend spurred by young people, half of them are dumb and won’t stick. But it isn’t a conservatives and centrists v. progressives thing. It’s a let me use my language in a way that conveys what I mean and avoiding terms that most of the society I live in has determined is offensive or not acceptable.

    22. I don’t use ‘guys’ in the workplace unless I’m addressing a group of men I know well. It doesn’t bother me when other people use it *unless* they are saying ‘the guys in xyz team’ to refer to a mixed group of people, but I wouldn’t call anyone out on it.

    23. Easy solution: everyone just start saying “y’all”! (disclaimer I am not from the south but honestly we need a word like this)

    24. So rarely does the south excel, but we got this one. “Y’all” is non-gendered, acceptable (here in the south anyway) in both casual and formal conversation, and carries no connotations of socio economic status either in who is using it or to whom it is addressed. Better yet, “y’all” is “this group of people” and “all y’all” is “each and every one of you”.

      2. Totally agree! “You guys” does mildly bother me because there are so many alternatives, but it doesn’t bother me enough that I would actually say anything to anyone about it. Y’all is the predominant group address here, and lots of people also use folks in a way that doesn’t seem try-hard.

        1. Yeah, I always heard “folks” in daily life growing up in the South. It’s not weird to me in any context.

          My mom broke herself of her Southern accent + verbal mannerisms like “y’all” in college, since she/our family had a “lower-class” accent and she didn’t think she’d be successful in her career if she didn’t speak “proper” English (which is its own whole thing). So while I always heard y’all growing up, I never used it frequently myself until college-ish when people were starting to specifically talk about its pluses as a gender-inclusive term. So now both my mom and I are back to our cultural roots and using y’all :)

      3. I use y’all – I’m a northerner but my parents were both born and raised in the south (both only came north in their late 20s) so I grew up with it in my vernacular. It’s neutral, it’s versatile, and while people rarely comment on my using it, it can be sort of a nice conversation starter when they do.

      4. Half my family is from the Deep South and there’s a whole vocabulary around y’all that I don’t completely understand. There’s the standard y’all and all y’all, there’s y’all and them, there’s YOU all with the emphasis on the you, which vaguely means I’m being othered, and not in a good way.

        Bless my heart, I guess, which is also not meant in a good way.

      5. Yep. Y’all exists, and it will always be my preference. I very consciously do not sound Southern and have dropped most of that vernacular unless I’m with my Southern family, but I will never give up “y’all”.

      6. Sorry, but I will never feel comfortable saying “y’all”. It feels like I’m making fun of someone with a Southern accent and completely unnatural.

        1. +1. I won’t say it’s cultural appropriation — but it just sounds weird to me for me, a non-Southerner, to say y’all — just like it would sound weird to me if my children were to say “yes, ma’am” to me or “yes, sir” to my husband (other than in a joking manner). It’s a regionalism — let’s keep it that way.

    25. I use both guys and folks. I tend to use folks more for abstract groups that I am not part of (“when we think about all the folks doing XYZ”) whereas I use guys or team more for a group I’m addressing directly. I hate being addressed as “Hey ladies” if the group is all women. In my mind guys is gender neutral, ladies is not, and I don’t think gender needs to be highlighted even if no difference.

      1. Ladies would be OK coming from a woman to an all-female group (sorority alumnae, junior league), but I am southern by the grace of god (vs by birth) and much prefer the “all y’all” approach. I grew up saying “you guys” and love “youse guys” but can’t quite pull that off (am not RHONJ enough).

        1. Yeah I’d be offended being called “ladies” as a group in a professional setting. It’s particularly grating and condescending from a man, but I wouldn’t really appreciate it from a woman either.

          Unless it was someone in my work friend group inviting me to 1/2 price wine night at the restaurant across the street from the office – then it’s more than Ok with me.

          Sigh, I kinda miss the office.

      2. I also cringe when people address a group as “ladies.” Even coming from a woman to a group of all women, it’s like nails on a chalk board to me.

    26. I’m from NJ but in a global role at a huge company and I use “you guys” and like “alright bye guys” etc all the time!!!

    27. I like “hey everyone” or “hey everybody.” I feel like I hear these frequently and use them myself in less formal situations. Like… not going to court and saying “hey everyone” at the beginning of my argument, but I wouldn’t be addressing the court or jury as “you guys” anyway.

    28. I try to avoid it out of the ‘it might not offend you, but it could offend others’ perspective. I am not personally bothered.

    29. I use “all”. Like, good morning, all. Hello all, how is the X project going? All, we are on track to meet y deadline. Or as someone else said, everyone. Good afternoon everyone…so pleased…

    30. Doesn’t bother me at all, particularly as it has always been a common way to address a group in the area of New England where I grew up. I don’t think anything of it and I use it myself without any attachment to gender.

    31. It doesn’t bother me, and I don’t think it’s police its usage, for all the reasons pointed out above. However, I have tried very consciously to avoid it because I don’t like that the masculine is the default, that we’re so accustomed to collectively being referred to as “guys” that we don’t blink at it, or get annoyed at someone wanting to change it. How odd would it be to address a a room full of men as “Hey ladies!” ?

    32. This doesn’t bother me at all.

      My two year old recently picked up this expression in daycare and now he addresses everyone (sometimes even just one person or object) as “you guys”. He asks his stuffed animals “how are you guys?” and answers “you fine? good.” So he’s basically ready to participate in Zoom meetings :-)

      1. I have been smiling all through this thread because I always use “guys” as a form of address for my dogs, or “the guys” if I am speaking of them. Your two year old and I are on the the same wavelength.

    33. I think “you guys” is gender-neutral and it’s crap like this which enables the Right to portray normal people as concerned with trivialities.

  3. I have a 600 sq ft apartment (mostly hardwood floors, one rug with oversized pile that’s hard to vacuum well, no pets) and am looking to upgrade to a cordless stick vacuum. I see the Dyson V7 is under $300 and well-reviewed on Wirecutter…any thoughts about whether to spend more on one of the higher models or any other things to keep in mind about what model to purchase/attachments/how to get the best deal/anything else before I pull the trigger? It’s not an urgent need so I can wait for deals/sales if they are likely.

      1. We got the V7 this summer and its fantastic. Mostly what you get with the newer versions is more canister capacity, which isn’t an issue for a smaller apartment.

    2. I have the V11 which I really like, but it’s about twice that price so read the comparison – decide if the difference is worth $300 extra to you

      https://moderncastle.com/dyson-v7-vs-v11/

      For either, having to hold the trigger can be annoying. I followed advice of other reviewers and cut a piece of velcro to act as a loop which will hold the trigger down for you. For a couple of bucks, I’d recommend trying this.

    3. I’ve had the V6 since about 2015 and it’s held up well for my small house that’s not much bigger than your apartment. I replaced the battery about 3 months ago (2 screws) and fully expect to get many more years of life out of it.

    4. I got my parents a Dyson V10 Cyclone for about $450 over Black Friday weekend last year from Dyson’s website, normal price was i think in the $700s.

    5. I think I have the v7 (it’s pink, right?) and it works great. I don’t see an advantage to a newer model.

  4. Just wanted to say thank you to the poster who recommended the Berges Institute for learning Spanish. I’ve had two classes now and it’s perfect. It feels just like all my language classes from my school years and I’m really learning the material.

  5. Through a big chunk of 2020 I was working 100 hours a week. Towards fall and winter I was able to scale back down to 60, but 60 very intense hours (multitasking constantly, meetings where emotions and stakes are high, sometimes 9 hours of meetings a day with no time for lunch and barely a bathroom break). I am pregnant and just can’t do this anymore. I have been begging for resources for a while. I know this isn’t quite fmla because I don’t need to take leave, I just need to work closer to a 40 hour work week (not even every week, but more consistently). Is this FMLA? Is it asking for an accommodation or a doctors note?)

    2. I don’t know what your role is. In many roles/companies, it’s time for a conversation with your manager about your bandwidth and a healthy work/life balance.

      If you are, for example, in BigLaw and are laughing at what I just wrote, then I think it’s more a conversation about FMLA.

      1. I’m in house counsel. I have had this conversation many times with my manager who assures me they understand and then nothing changes. There is no way for me to limit my availability or send something back for reassignment. I agree with needing a new job, but hard when pregnant in a pandemic!

        1. I’m in house and posted the other day about working 2200 hours when I had a newborn. I have real regrets about it – I will never get that time back and am angry at myself for allowing it to happen. I don’t want to be presumptuous but please let me offer you some advice. Take some power back. Some clients will deem everything an emergency for you (and never for them). I have a mantra: you are not paying for a full service law firm. I am a cost effective alternative, but it means longer wait times. It is what it is. Push back. They’re not going to fire you – and they will NEVER find someone who will willingly work 100 hours a week. Never. You have a lot more power than you think. Decline meetings. Establish boundaries. And bounce from the job when the time is right.

          1. GC here and I’d really take a hard look at how you’re working. Thoughts that come to mind, are you trying to do things he same way you would at a firm? (Ie., if you are writing the company’s response to an external agency, are you doing multi page briefs with citations? That’s probably overkill for many things and perhaps a few paragraphs will do. If not, hire outside counsel). Are you writing CYAs where none are needed? Are you accepting calls that you don’t need to be on? Are you negotiating terms that don’t matter? At 100 hours a week, I’m thinking there’s more of an issue with how you work than the workload itself and perhaps you need to have a conversation about risk tolerance rather than workload. I see this a lot in lawyers who are newer to in-house work. It’s harder for them to calibrate when to be 100% certain v roughly right. A lot of times, roughly right is all that’s needed. Also? No one will ever manage your schedule for you, so even if your company is a mess, it’s worth figuring out how to work efficiently so you don’t keep repeating that pattern even if you change jobs.

      2. Yeah this was my thought as well. If your boss knows you are working 100 hrs/week and thinks that’s okay, they are not a good boss. I mean this kindly, but no one is doing their best work on hour 12 of a 14-hour workday. And it’s not sustainable for anyone, even if they aren’t pregnant.

    4. I obviously don’t know your workplace but what’s the push back if you just start limiting your availability? Send something back for reassignment because you don’t have availability. Don’t make excuses/explain.

      Ask yourself what a mediocre white dude would do and then do that. Women often get penalized for asking for formal accommodations whereas guys just dial back without formalizing.

    5. Can you turn down meetings? Take a break from them? Just say you have a hard stop at noon and abdicate the meeting. You could also discuss ramping down with your manager if it’s a concern to do that kind of thing. Your doctor could write a note if necessary.

      1. I too am in house and the last 12 months have been non-stop misery. I am working way harder than I ever have before, and certainly harder than what they’re paying me for. I don’t have a lot of answers or advice, other than one trick I’ve been implementing for the last couple of months: blocking out large chunks of time on my calendar so I don’t get overwhelmed with meetings/calls which result in me getting more work with less time to do it. For me, it’s easier to simply block access than it is to tell someone it’s going to take me three weeks to review/redline a document for them. It’s not a panacea, but it has definitely helped. I also DO NOT answer my work phone after 6 or 6:30 in the evening or at any time on the weekend (even though I am often working then), unless the call is coming from our Global GC (my boss). Nothing good can come from setting an expectation that you are available 24/7.

        In any event, good luck. It is a tough position to be in. My advice is obviously targeted to in house work. None of it would be applicable to someone in Big Law (one of the reasons I abandoned that ship early on). One other thing: my former boss (now retired) has suggested medical stress leave several times. I’m not quite there yet, but it might be something to consider.

        1. I’m in house and the last 12 months has also been misery – I do the same thing. I block time off on my calendar, decline meetings that I don’t have time for/can’t accomodate/aren’t necessary for me to be a part of, I never answer my phone or emails outside of 6:30 am – 5:00 p.m. (unless it’s a truly urgent matter – rare – and I am already aware of it). I also very rarely work weekends. Lest you think that I am in a high-level position, I am the lowest on the totem pole of the three attorneys in my BU. My boss works constantly and my colleague in another region absolutely works more hours than I do. I don’t care. My sanity is more valuable than “emergencies” created by other people’s crap work, poor planning, and bad staffing.

  6. Big thank you to the poster who notified us of the amazon flash deal on the Naipo neck massager! It’s effective and convenient.

      1. I got the “Naipo oCuddle™ Neck and Back Massager”. It’s listed as an Amazon’s Choice product.

      1. It was a one-day flash sale unfortunately :( But it’s still available at full price.

      2. It goes on sale all the time for like 50% off. Don’t pay full price. I bought it a month ago on sale.

    6. I bought it too and it is amazing! I really missed getting deep tissue massages during the pandemic.

  7. How much do I tip the assistant who shampoos my hair at a salon? HCL city on east coast. Thanks!

    2. For a $100 hair cut, I usually do $10 for person who washed, $20 for person who cut.

  8. Does anyone else find it really difficult to breathe for longer than 15 minutes in a K-95? I’ve been wearing cloth masks the whole pandemic without issue. I recently got a pack of K-95s. I have twice had essentially a panic attack wearing it where I felt like I just couldn’t get enough air. The first time I powered through and it took me hours to recover. The second time I switched to a cloth mask. The third time I didn’t have a panic attack but when I took it off I felt like I had just worked out. Breathing heavy, hot, racing pulse.

    I do have GAD and claustrophobia so it is possible this is just my anxiety. However, I find it odd that I had no issues with the cloth masks. I happened to be at my doctor’s office the second time this happened and she said to just wear the cloth mask. The K95s are harder to breath from then the old school N-95’s because there is no vent. I could try a vented one w/ a cloth mask over it but she seemed cool with me just wearing cloth.

    I don’t know why it matters to me so much if this is a legit breathing issue or anxiety. I guess if it is just anxiety I want to be able to tell myself that and work through it rather than giving up on the safer mask.

    1. That sounds like anxiety but maybe you should just double cloth mask instead. I know that advice for anxiety typically does not recommend avoiding the thing that makes you anxious, but we also all have a lot of crap to deal with already this year. Personally, I would power through and where the better mask for important interactions in person but wear double cloth rest of the time.

    2. Is it the smell? I wore N95s a couple times early in the pandemic that we had on hand and those masks have a certain smell to them from the filter. One of the times I wore one was because I had to be seen in the ER for a non-Covid related reason and now whenever I try and wear one, I have a reaction to the smell. So it’s cloth for me.

    3. I’m going to say it’s anxiety. I find it much easier to breathe in my KN95s because they’re not right on my face. A lot of my cloth masks cling too closely to my nose and mouth and make me feel like I’m breathing them in. I have bad allergies and asthma, so I’m fairly sensitive to breathing things. Is it possible that your mask doesn’t fit right and is too tight in a way that’s triggering anxiety?

    4. Vented masks aren’t allowed many places because they defeat the purpose, so please don’t use them. (I’m picturing the mask that has the little plastic disk on it? That allows you to exhale more easily? Yeah that means they only protect you and not others.)

      I think this is just anxiety unless you got counterfeit masks. (I thought it was KN-95 or N-95, not K-95?) I find it actually easier to breathe and talk in the 95 types because the lightweight shape that also stays off the mouth means there’s never clingy, damp mask fabric on my face.

      1. If I wore vented I’d put a cloth mask over it so there would still be protection to others. I likely called it the wrong thing in my post.

      1. +1

        You should try a surgical mask under the cloth mask. That is what is being recommended right now, as N95’s are not practical/affordable/reasonable for us to wear all of the time. And doubling the surgical + cloth is almost as good as N95 if they fit your face well.

    7. I have been wearing KN95s for a few months and find them to be the most comfortable and breathable option, compared to all the cloth masks and surgical masks I’ve worn. However I once walked up a million stairs (exaggerating of course) with my KN95, was out of breath and felt like I wasn’t getting enough air through my mask for like 10 min.

      1. This happened to me last week as well. I wore an N95 and climbed a bunch of stairs and felt like I was hyperventilating. That’s the only time I’ve been very uncomfortable wearing one, but I agree that on average, they’re restricting and not that comfortable. I typically wear a surgical mask.

      2. I have been told that the kn95 is nearly as effective as the n95 but is much easier to breathe in. I wear the surgical masks mostly but a kn95 when out for longer periods.

      3. Interesting. I was moving around very quickly both times I had an issue, including going up stairs.

    8. I don’t notice a difference at all when I switched from cloth to the KN95s. Maybe you weren’t wearing your cloth mask very tightly?

      Have you seen the CDC video on how to tie the blue surgical masks at the side to get a better fit? That might be a good option as well. That’s what I do for the kids.

    9. I used one today for a doctors appointment. It directed far more air up to my glasses, fogging them up, than my old blue medical masks did. I noticed that it felt slightly harder to breathe, especially when I was panting a little bit from the stairs, but I powered through and focused on other things and it didn’t bother me from about 15 minutes in until I was done with my appointment.

  9. I think my staffer is gonna quit and I’m screwed.

    In fairness, he’s only ever gonna be like a C+ employee at best. He’s not super motivated and will do the bare minimum… But he’s a warm body and I’m already down 2 staffers due to maternity leave and extended medical leave about to turn into retirement. Government so everybody is already pulling double duty and every backup I’ve tried to train has somehow either left or is currently out.

    Well, the latest one is that staffer did a lazy job on an assignment and the recipient (who is my peer but previously worked on this program and DOES have knowledge which recipient kinda hoards and angrily doles out in emails) wrote a really nasty email basically calling my staffer’s work embarrassing.

    Here’s the thing – yeah, staffer is pretty lazy and we’re working on it. On the other hand, as a manager I have 5 programs. 4 of them are very high profile and can’t be fixed administratively and have MASSIVE dollar values and implications. The one (which is THIS program) – we can fix! Easily! And the issue was literally about a $120 payment!

    There’s not an option to go to the recipient’s manager because… recipient is a known quantity! And we need the knowledge that gets nastily doled out. The good thing is that as much as she’s complained about me (she’s complained about EVERYONE), people just roll their eyes.

    1. I don’t understand much of this, but sounds like you haven’t managed someone who reports to you, you’ve allowed dramatically bad work to leave your group, and now you’re salty someone else doesn’t like it. Talk to the recipient about how you’re fixing it. Talk to staffer about the problems. Review his work going forward.

      Idk why you’d even contemplate complaining to recipients manager. Recipient did nothing wrong.

      1. I hear you – I didn’t do a good job explaining this. Let me reframe:

        Somebody who is on the same staff level as me wrote one of the most inappropriate emails I have ever seen in a professional context to my staffer. It’s so awful that I literally think my one and only staffer right now who can do this task is going to quit. Staffer did mess up in that he didn’t send to me before sending out (has been told to in the past but forgot) and there was a missing piece which he literally had flagged in his email (so. it wasn’t going to slip. one of the 3 people who get this email were going to figure it out. Very low stakes here.)

        I talked to my staffer who fully acknowledges his error and that he should have sent to me first. If that happens, I can catch more and also buffer with recipient. There’s a solution going forward. I’ve communicated this to the recipient as well as the fix going forward.

        Issue with the recipient isn’t at all what they said, it’s how I address another person running off my staff. Think it’s the type of an email that is in all caps and is a leading candidate for Ask A Manager’s ‘Holy Cow that’s Awful’ type of emails. I typed this out just to kind of vent and process, but then I talked with my manager about the issue and… my manager verified that there are just… HUGE issues with how recipient speaks to others. It’s not picking out errors, that’s fine. It’s that if recipient finds an error, recipient sends an email that says, ‘I fixed this, what are you, an idiot?’ Not just to me. Pervasive issue.

        I’m mostly stressed that she’s going to run my staffer off to quit before I can find another hire. Staffer is new enough where small things will get missed! And that’s why there’s a multi step process.

        1. If I was your staffer and one of your peers sent me a scathing, blown-out-of-proportion email, I would first, expect a wrist slapping since I did something wrong. Then I would hope that you would follow it up with a “holy moley, Billy Bob’s reaction to your error was really over-the-top and inappropriate. They are being spoken too about it. I’m sorry that you were the recipient of their rant and I’m on your side! Let’s make a solid plan so that this doesn’t happen to you again.” I expect my managers to be on my team, even if I do something wrong.

          1. That’s 100% what I did.

            We worked together and with my support/encouragement, staffer is taking the rest of the day as a mental health day because part of the issue is that he (like all of us) is overwhelmed and yeah – he did make a mistake (a small one) and yeah – should have sent it to his boss for review.

            But he doesn’t deserve that.

          2. This. Sounds like you are handling it as best you can Groan. Your peer sounds like a really awful person, and if you don’t have the power to stop their awfulness, I think the best you can do is make sure your staffer understands that it’s about peer and not them. If there’s a way for you to insulate them going forward because you can’t stop peer’s bad behavior, that would also be appreciated, i’m sure.

    2. Can you fill the maternity leave and medical leave positions on an acting basis? Why are they still open? Even a 4 month acting would take some of the pressure off. For acting, colleagues and I often reach out to each other to see if there is someone they know who can be seconded as that’s much faster than hiring from outside. A lot of people will jump on a short secondment as it helps their resume if they want to move up.

      1. I have never had this option in all my years of managing people. Someone on mat leave (or paternity leave) was just gone and it was up to us to juggle and delegate, sigh. Sometimes management floated the possibility of getting some coverage from a parallel department, but it never actually happened, partly because those departments were also crunched with their own mat leaves and other absences.

        1. They’re open because it’s Government! And you know, all those lazy government staffers and bloat (you say to my department which is running on probably 50% of what we should be running on and has been like this for a decade). We MIGHT be able to bring someone in, but (unfortunately), the training to get them to be useful takes up quite a bit of time.

          1. And hiring freezes on vacant positions . . . and freezes on comp, if not salary reductions. Spoiled bureaucrats! And so many assumptions (including on this website) that government workers punch a clock and when they finish their 7 or 8 hours, they are done for the day. Many really have no concept of the reality of lots of governmental positions.

  10. I’d like to open a brokerage account for each of my (young elem) kids. I am aware of the long term issues with financial aid/college. Right now, the goal is to take the 1-2k they have in the bank and put it in something like the S&P. Longer term, I’d like them to have access to the platform to learn about the market and make their own trades (if interested, with supervision).

    Does anyone have this set up with a firm they like? We have an account with Schwab so my default was going to be a custodial account through schwab, but I also like the idea of something a bit more kid-friendly that they can log into and utilize when they get a little older. There are a lot of recommendations online so I was hoping for first hand experience type recommendations.

    1. No no no. Put the $ in an index fund and leave it alone. Trading generates gains (taxable) and commissions (eating into your yield). Bad margins for small amounts of $. Just let them trade on a spreadsheet — learning excel when they are young will be a huge gift in their numeracy and financial literacy. I have caught my 12YO reading the WSJ (we get it on paper) and I’ve printed out annual reports and prospectuses of things that they find interesting (i.e., Roblox IPO) and some Gamestop articles.

      1. This is a weird take to me. Assuming this is somewhat play money, I don’t see anything wrong with letting them make a few specific well supervised trades, even if the taxes make the effort kind of silly from a practical matter. I think it could generate some interest in potential careers among other things. Sorry, but doing it in excel IMO just would not be the same (although of course the excel route could be better than nothing if this is not play money, or the parent doesn’t have the capacity to supervise).

        1. Well, if the kid learns to file his/her own W-2 (I think 1040 EZ is out if you have 1099s other than 1099-INTs), that will be a useful life skill to have. I think a high schooler could do a 1040 EZ and even a 1040 proper if they just have brokerage 1099s (DIVs and Bs).

          1. You don’t need a brokerage account to learn to do your taxes. In college I did a 1040 with Schedule C by hand because I discovered when I went to file that one of my jobs was a 1099 and not W-2. At age 19 I’d never heard of the difference.

      2. Thanks. Regardless of what the kids do with it, do you have a suggestion for the platform?

        1. Cheapest commissions / lowest balance requirement. RobinHood? Or just put it in as a separate account for you whereever you have a relationship to avoid minimums if the commissions are low?

  11. The FDA this morning says the J&J vaccine is safe and “66% effective at preventing moderate to severe COVID-19.” That doesn’t sound great to me. Is this something to celebrate?

    1. Yes! I don’t care about mild covid. I do care re people dying (correlates with age). I bet if 66% of the 500K dead had not died, they’d count that as a true blessing, as would their loved ones.

      I don’t think that covid is going away, but if it could be less awful, that would be a great victory esp. for a world where shots are scarce. The rest of the world is strugging for anything.

      1. Right — the rest of the world needs *anything* and especially something that will work easily with stuff (basic refridgeration) they have on hand. Not stuff that needs extra-special deep freezers and 2 shots with determined spacing to really work.

      2. +1 I had a mild Covid case and I’ve had colds that were far more debilitating. This is great news.

      3. But 66% effective against moderate to severe cases is 34% not effective.

        If they were saying it prevented 90-something percent of severe cases but you could still get a mild illness (which is what it sounds like you’re saying) then I’d be fine with it.

        But that’s not what they’re saying. They’re saying a 66% reduction in moderate to severe cases. So the 500,000 deaths would be reduced to 170,000. That’s an improvement, but 170,000 is still a huge, huge number.

    2. The efficacy isn’t the successful part of the J&J vaccine (which has been known to be in the 60% range for a couple months now IIRC). The part of the J&J vaccine to celebrate is that it’s one shot and can be stored without special freezers, so it can be deployed to rural and developing areas.

      1. Exactly! Plus, the goal was to have vaccines that were at least 50% effective. The fact that we have multiple vaccines more effective than that in such a short amount of time is phenomenal.

        1. A goal of 50% effective is like aiming just to pass a course. I don’t want to pass, I want an A.

          1. I think at this point, the US can kiss an A goodbye when it comes to the pandemic.

          2. The flu shot is typically less than 50% effective. I think the numbers from Pfizer/Moderna have spoiled us into thinking that we’re going to have a nearly 100% effective vaccine, which isn’t gonig to happen.
            Do you get a flu shot? If so, you should get the J&J shot if it is the first available to you. No one died from COVID after getting J&J, and it greatly decreased mild and moderate cases and infectiousness. I hope everyone who can get a J&J shot gets one ASAP rather than waiting longer to get Pfizer/Moderna shots.

          4. I am not sacrificing my grade because the rest of the group failed to put in any work. I want the real deal. All of the covidiots who don’t care can have J&J.

          5. Half a million Americans are dead. 50% is a life-and-death game changer, and we have multiple options much better than that.

      2. The efficacy reported of the various vaccines cannot be simply numerically compared. It is like comparing apples and oranges. The analysis was done at different stages of the pandemic, for instance differences in the variants in the populations. The committees charged with recommending, or not, use of the vaccines take the differences into account.

    3. J&J’s vaccine is also a lot easier to distribute, right? That would be a huge reduction in mortality especially in countries without the infrastructure to handle the super-fridge needs of the others.

    4. It’s something to celebrate for sure but it appears to be less efficacious at preventing moderate to severe COVID-19 than Pfizer or Moderna. Pointing that out will get you called an anti-vaxxer here, though.

      1. um what. There have been four responses other than yours and none have resulted in name calling.

        1. You must not have witnessed the last discussion on this topic that got, shall we say, a bit out of control.

      2. No it won’t. Preemptively moaning about which vaccine you’ll get and pretending you’ll have the option to decline one and get a dif one later will though! So glad we can rehash that drama again

        1. You do get an option. When I went to get my vaccine, I arrived at the place and the first thing they told me was that they were only giving the Pfizer that day and was I okay with that or would I like to reschedule and receive a different vaccine.

          1. I’m in the northeast and none of my many vaccinated contacts mentioned having an option

        2. A lot of commenters are very competitive in life and career, so they would not settle for a “lesser” vaccine, even if it’s d*mn good. That’s the “overachieving chicks” part showing itself

          1. Yeahhhhh, I think you hit the nail on the head. A lot of people who want the “best”

          2. No, it’s about wanting the maximum odds of not dying from COVID so I can stay alive, not “win” at a “competition.”

          3. Self-preservation is not competitive – it’s ok for an individual to want excellent protection from a ravaging disease. Why accuse other women of being overachieving simply for exploring this topic? Ok, so the best vaccine is the one that’s in your arm, but it is possible to discuss efficacy without tearing women down for trying to best protect themselves.

          4. Eh, I may have overachieved, but it’s from not getting distracted by the noise. Noise = caring much re which vaccine. This year, any beats none. Next year, we’ll all need a booster-equivlent for COVID-22, much like we do for flu. Keeping my powder dry on this.

          5. 66% isn’t just mildly less effective. It’s a huge difference from the high 90s reported for the other vaccines.

          6. And I feel like your resentful comment about overachieving chicks is Darwinism showing itself. Wanting an efficacious vaccine is not elitist or competitive.

      3. While its 66% effective at preventing moderate disease, it is 85% effective at preventing severe disease and 100% effective at preventing hospitalization and death, which I think is very good here.

        2. YES! Thank you. This is amazing. If I got offered the J&J I’d say “when can you shoot me full of miracles?”.

        3. +1

          Yes – Z is right. Doctor here and we are very happy about this new option.

          This is very good news

        4. This. In the trial, there have been zero hospitalizations and deaths. So the vaccine prevents against that. It prevents 85% against severe and 66% if you count severe plus moderate infections (which are defined as a positive covid test and at least one symptom). Am I going to get a shot that will virtually guarantee that I don’t die, even if there is a chance I still get a sore throat? Yes, totally.
          There is also the point that we are comparing apples and oranges. These efficacy numbers were determined after a one-shot treatment, and are now compared with the Pfizer/Moderna results, which were obtained from a two-shot treatment. If you compared them to the Pfizer/Moderna protection after just one shot, the results would be much more closely aligned. Or, conversely, we expect to get results in May, from a still-running study of the J&J vaccine as a two-shot treatment, which will be a more even comparison to the Pfizer/Moderna regimen.
          Another apples-to-oranges point: the J&J trial, just by having run somewhat later in the pandemic timeline, shows different results in different regions, which is explained by the dominant variants that are now around. Efficacy in the US was above the average number, while efficacy in South Africa was lower. The early vaccines weren’t tested in quite the same circumstances; instead, we are learning about their efficacy against new variants as they get distributed.
          Here is some more detail, well explained:
          https://www.kqed.org/science/1972627/the-differences-between-the-pfizer-moderna-and-johnson-johnson-coronavirus-vaccines-explained

          1. Good enough for what? I am working in person everyday, in an office where 50% of my coworkers have had Covid. My son has special needs and is thriving in in-person school. I’m worried that a serious case of Covid would mean I’d have to take unpaid time off and end up with in the hospital with my high deductible health insurance–neither of which I can afford. I’m concerned about spreading Covid, especially to my son and within his classroom, which includes several kids with complicated medical histories. If I were offered the J&J vaccine today, I’d get it vs. having to wait until the summer for Pfizer or Moderna.

          2. You are talking about moderate disease without vaccine. Moderate disease after vaccine will likely be vastly different with regard to long term COVID symptoms. The data will take time.

    5. The vaccine is 72 percent effective in the US at preventing moderate and severe cases within 28 days and 85 Pete cent effective overall in preventing severe disease and has demonstrated COMPLETE protection against hospitalization and death as of 28 days.

      This is from J&J webs*te. How is that NOT something to celebrate??? This is amazing! And because it’s one shot and doesn’t need special storage it can get to more people faster and increase supply overall etc. All huge news! In NYC they are planning on taking it door right door to homeboy seniors.. Which is something that wouldn’t be possible with the other vaccines, which are great but have set the bar so high that I think people (and the media) don’t appreciate how great the J&J news is.

          4. “Homeboy seniors” describes many of the older men in my family. Can confirm they are great to hang with!

      2. “home boy seniors” just made my day. And cosign everything else you said. this is a GAME CHANGER!

      3. I wish the headlines were more like this, stating that it’s 85% effective against severe disease and 100% effective (so far) against hospitalization and death. People would focus less on the difference on the “moderate” stats this way. I can understand certain populations being concerned about that difference and wanting to get the other vaccines, but for the vast majority of people, this level of protection is HUGE.

        On the flip side, I do also know some people who are holding out until they can get the J&J vaccine because they are more comfortable without the mRNA vaccine.

      4. J&J’s website can day whatever it wants. I’m going with the 66% from the FDA.

        And I also laughed at homeboy seniors.

        1. The FDA also says never eat a rare or medium hamburger, because well done is needed to kill pathogens

    6. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. There are areas in the U.S. where it’s a mind bogglingly long trip to the closest medical facility with the necessary equipment to store some of the current vaccine offerings. Also, J and J looks more solid against one of the new variants.

    7. TBH with so many roll-out screwups, a lot of people may get one dose of something and not even get the second dose or not get it timely or get mixed shots, so if you are one-and-done and not going to die and likely not even going to get a bad case, that puts you very far ahead of the US and miles beyond that on a world-wide basis.

      And now they are saying that if you had COVID, you may only need one shot anyway.

  12. Low stakes Q: any recs for a somewhat cute baseball hat that is compatible with glasses? Fully embracing sun protection this spring.

    1. Not what you asked, but if you really want to embrace sun protection, go for a hat that shades your ears and the back of your neck as well. A baseball cap doesn’t help there.

      I have a giant floppy straw hat from Target several years back that I adore and wear far more than I ever thought I would. Bought it for a beach trip on a whim and it is in regular use during the non-snowy months.

      1. I regularly use a floppy hat myself, but OP may be talking about doing something like running or brisk walking or hiking where that won’t work.

  13. A petty complaint, but I find myself annoyed by small service businesses that still function exclusively by paper. For example, we had a survey of our property done on January 21. I asked them when they were here if they wanted me to Venmo them, and they said they’d bill me. Just yesterday – a full month later – we got the paper invoice in the mail from the company. They only accept paper checks, so I need to dig out my checkbook, an envelope, and a stamp to pay them. It’ll take 10-14 days for the check to get to them and to clear our bank. By the time this transaction is concluded, I’ll have had a mental note in the back of my mind for six weeks that I owe someone $1,500. If this were the only example in my life, I don’t think it’d bug me as much, but I can think of three other small service businesses I’ve done business with this year that are all paper and leave me frustrated with the mental task of remembering to segregate funds because they won’t get with the times.

    1. I agree with the frustration of tracking the stuff… and for a small business you’d think they would be eager to get paid immediately rather than 6-8 weeks later!

    2. I suggest that you log into your bank account website. Add the vendor as a biller and send a check directly from your bank. This means you save a stamp (and envelope) and means don’t have to find your checkbook. The debit from your account no longer lives only in your head.

      1. Yes. It blew my mind when I learned that the “bill pay” function just had the bank send checks to the business.

      2. Yup, this is what we do for our lawn service/trash service/HVAC/pest control guys. They send me a paper bill, I have my bank send them a check via the bill pay option. Literally almost every single small business we use for home services sends us paper bills, its not a big deal.

      3. I do this all the time for small businesses like my gardener – online bill pay from my bank, a check mailed to them.

    3. I have resolved this by sending paper checks via my bank’s bill pay function. It keeps track easily of what payments are made and outstanding and it can cancel ones still in pending mode if there is an issue. [I have no idea where either my checkbook or stamps are at the moment, so without this I’d be also stuck.]

    4. Agreed! The mental burden is real. We ended up using a separate checking account for stuff like this, including utility payments which take forever to actually clear. It’s good for online payments and things that require physical checks. We can set the money aside right then and not have to worry about keeping a specific balance in our main checking accounts. Bill pay sounds even better though so I may look into that, but I’ve found this approach to be a decent option.

    5. My utilities are the same way. I almost had my water shut off in December because the bill didn’t come for 7-8 weeks, and they allowed no grace period to account for (nationally known!) USPS issues. My phone requests to CS for workarounds (paperless billing, anything at all) were met with snide arrogance. I have no alternatives other than to move.

  14. For those still buying winter or other clothing, I have had some really disappointing experiences with Ann Taylor items lately (poor quality acrylic yarn, sizing and fit issues) that I never had in the past. Ann Taylor was always my reliable brand for decent quality and I still have loads of AT items doing workhorse duty, but they seem to be going downhill lately.

    1. I had this experience this year with three Loft sweaters that I expected to survive 2-3 years and just fell apart.

    2. Ann Taylor and Loft have been terrible quality for the last 15 years. This is nothing new.

    3. I try not to buy anything with acrylic in it any more. I learned the importance of checking fabric content from the blog, actually.

      1. I’m the OP, and for years I was team natural fibers only, but at one point acrylic seemed to have improved substantially so I started buying it again. But apparently AT is not using the good acrylic.

  15. Apologies if this has been discussed recently–I did a quick scan and didn’t see anything. But what are our favorite vitamin C serums at the moment? I just ran out of my tube from The Ordinary, which was good, but not great, so I’d like to try something else.

    Also, reporting back on my Thursday boot order from a couple weeks ago…GORGEOUS. They’re beautifully made and look like they could have easily cost double the price. They definitely do run small, though. I’m sizing up and crossing my fingers the new ones fit.

    2. I’m trying the Ordinary vitamin C powder as an alternative, but also interested in recs.

    3. I really like my Sephora collection one. Don’t love many of the ordinary serums because I hate how squalene feels.

    4. Surprisingly – the differin scar resurfacing gel. I picked it up and was shocked at the cost for the ingredients – sea buckthorn oil and Bakuchiol are usually found in MUCH more expensive products than a $20 tube I can pick up at the drugstore. It is mildly irritating if you have dry/sensitive skin (bakuchiol is a natural retinoid) so I’d use it at night maybe 3x/wk max to start.

    5. I’ve tried a ton of vitamin C serums over the years and my favorite is from Timeless. I also enjoyed Paula’s Choice, Drunk Elephant, and Skinceuticals, but they’re way more expensive so Timeless is my go to.

    6. I really like the Paula’s Choice one. It is the only item I have on autoship (and I have a baby, so that’s saying something. But maybe just about my level organization.)

    7. My mom got me the strivectin one (from costco of all places) and I have to say that I really like it. I’ve never noticed much difference when I tried to use them before but I feel like this has given my skin some clarity and improved texture.

    8. My favorite right now is Maelove Glow Maker. I keep it in the fridge to extend its life, and I feel like it’s done just as good a job as some of the much more expensive Vitamin C serums I’ve tried.

    10. I love the Sunday Riley CEO glow because it smells and feels great. The Vitamin C powders have been really good though, because they don’t spoil as quickly. I have the Ordinary one now.

    11. OMG yay another Thursday convert!! Thanks for reporting back. Bummer about the sizing.

    12. I did a lot of research on this recently since I was buying one for the first time. It seemed that Skinceuticals was the holy grail, though expensive. I bought it to try it out, so I know what the expensive option feels like. It’s been a couple weeks and I do see clearer skin and more even coloring. In the past I’ve tried a sample of the CEO from Sunday Riley and it has a refreshing citrusy fragrance which I loved. Results-wise it seemed as good as the one I’m trying now.

    13. Thanks for the recommendations, y’all! I think I’m going to give the Timeless a shot since it looks like it has the most ingredient overlap with the super high end brands, and go up in price point from there :)

  16. What are some good questions to ask guys that I’ve just started messaging with on dating apps? I’m trying to get at least some sense of whether we might be a match before setting up a virtual date but am having a hard time coming up with questions to help me figure that out. I usually ask about their weekend to see how they spend their time and whether we might have similar hobbies. After that, I’m not sure what else to ask that will actually give me useful info about who this person is and whether there might be potential. I’m mid-30s and dating to find my life partner, not just for fun at this point. Thanks for any ideas!

    1. A virtual date is pretty low stakes. If you don’t want to do that, suggest a phone call. I cannot conceive of a question that will be more illuminating than either of those options, and if you invest a lot in back and forth texting you’re vulnerable to the sunk cost fallacy. My advice has always been get quickly to the “meet” because that’s where you’ll really assess best.

    2. I love to travel so now ask about their favorite travel memory and what other places are on their lifetime bucket list and on their list for the first trip post covid, and in the shorter term. This also gives you some info because you’ll know if they traveled during covid which can give you a sense of how covid cautious they are or are not and if that lines up with you, and also what they see their lives like in the next 5 years. If a guy is serious about settling down and having a family, they’re likely either thinking about how to work kids into adventurous travel or cutting back on travel. If they’re still into like rockclimbing trips to Thailand or kayaking in the Arctic, that wouldn’t give me the vibe that kids are in their 5 year plan.

      1. Not necessarily! There are a ton of adventurous couples who still do those things with young kids. You can’t get good vibes about whether kids are in the gameplan or not based on questions about travel – you’re going to have to get more specific.

        1. +1 Have direct and honest conversations about that, otherwise you’re going to end up very disappointed if you try to figure out expectations based on Cosmo hints.

        2. It’s a way to open that conversation? Like I want to do Japan, India and the Galapagos but I’m not going to get all three big trips done in the next five years if I also want to have kids. I don’t know what magical jobs you all have but I can’t get maternity leave and take a three week vacation in the same year. And you can fly with kids but sub-8 hour international flights are just much easier. Per friends, 14 hour flights are something you don’t want to try with a baby or toddler.

          Or if someone says they usually only get a week off a year, I know that’s not going to work for me in terms of how much I like to travel.

          1. Okay, but I think most other people are still willing to day dream about big trips?? We’re talking about opening lines on a dating app. If you’re so focused on having kids within 5 years at this point in a conversation, that’s going to be a big turn off.

      2. Huh??? Why would you cut down on adventurous travel when you’re still single but would like to settle down in the near future. That makes absolutely no sense. Please explain how you get from point a to point b there. My boyfriend and I are planning on kids ideally in the next two years and we’re also planning some very adventurous, big, post-COVID travel.

        1. +1. The guy could just be planning for his life as he knows it is now, which could include some post COVID exotic travel. But if he finds the right woman etc. etc. that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t exchange some of those things to settle down (unless you specifically ask him and he specifically says he wouldn’t)? But maybe he figures until that happens, why go down that mental path?

        2. You’re planning a big trip before kids. Isn’t that exactly the kind of think that would be useful for OP to know? Like it’s a way to open a discussion about future plans which has worked for me in the past. Maybe other posters have straight up said ‘do you want to have kids in the next 5 years?’ but that seems like a brutal cold open to me. If the guys are serious about settling down, they’re not afraid of the topic but you still don’t want to charge without establishing some common interests/discussion points first.

    3. If there’s a new movie or show you’ve been watching, ask if they’ve seen it? Or a recent news article you read, although maybe not something related to politics yet. Ask what they used to do on the weekends before covid, or what they’re looking forward to the most after covid ends?

  17. Rhinoplasty Anon checking in. I had the procedure yesterday and it was extremely easy. Pain has been minimal and easily controlled by OTC meds. The worst part so far was waking up early for the surgery because I am not a morning person. I honestly feel great and am so happy I did it! So excited to see some of the results when my soft cast and stitches comes off next week.

    2. Great! I had mine 20 years ago and I’m so glad I did it. Give it at least 6-8 weeks to get a sense of the final result.

  18. I know we’ve spoke about ADHD before here, so I figure it would be a good place for this.
    I’ve suspected I had ADHD for a few years now, and when I look at lists of symptoms or do a self-assessment – it seems like I do have it. I have a therapist for anxiety, but I just started and I mentioned that I think I may have ADHD in the intake appt, but haven’t discussed yet.
    I already using a lot of coping techniques that are similar to what would be recommended to deal with ADHD. For example, one of the screening criteria is about “difficulty breaking down big projects”, and yes that’s a problem but also I’ve developed systems to deal with it.
    I’m also taking Wellbutrin for anxiety, which is also commonly prescribed for ADHD.
    I’m basically struggling with whether I really need the proper diagnosis. If I’m already using the coping techniques for someone with ADHD, and I’m on the medicine for someone with ADHD, what else can be done? If I don’t actually have ADHD, but these coping strategies still work, what does that mean? Should I just get tested so I have some sort of answer, although I’m not sure what I’d do with it?

    2. I asked my therapist about testing me for ADHD a couple of years ago. While she thinks I probably have it, she said the testing is pretty involved and I’m already doing things I should be doing to manage it, so there’s not really much use in doing formal testing.

      1. Yeah this is kind of how the therapist reacted at the intake appointment – maybe you have ADHD, maybe you don’t, let’s just focus on how to manage whatever it is.

        1. My testing involved a lot of computer-based reaction-time/following direction tests as well as some reasoning and spatial tests. It was multiple hours and administered by a psychologist.

    3. You’re describing me exactly! In my case, I started seeing a psychiatrist as my first step towards diagnosing/treating ADHD. There was no test, just a brief discussion about my symptoms. I am under the impression that this is par for the course for adults being diagnosed with ADHD. He then prescribed Vyvanse, which unfortunately was a disaster for me, but made me realize I have severe anxiety. So I’m actively treating the anxiety with meds/therapy, but still struggling with ADHD. The coping mechanisms I developed over my lifetime are failing me currently. I think you’re on the right track, no need for a formal diagnosis in my non-medical opinion.

    4. For me, the diagnosis was 100% worth it because now I don’t beat myself as lazy, undisciplined, etc. Now I have a reason for my struggles, and as long as I know I’m trying my best, I don’t call myself names anymore. I’m working on finding the right meds, and therapy to break bad habits and thought patterns, but even without that, the diagnosis has done so much for my mental health.
      Also worth noting that treating ADHD can help with anxiety if any of the anxiety is due to the ADHD struggles.

      1. That’s an interesting point. Part of the reason I gravitated towards this ADHD idea was that therapists always ask about like social anxiety, thinking or ruminating about past events etc – and it’s nothing like that. Honestly I feel like the medication has helped the most because it’s not that I have thought patterns I need to change, I’m not worried about anything, I just need to not feel so either “down” or “hopelessly bored”.

    5. I have also for years suspected I have ADHD, and working from home made it extremely obvious (and took away many of my usual coping mechanisms, leading to ADHD symptoms actually affecting my performance reviews.) I do not have anxiety or depression. Here’s what I’ve done/learned (sorry for the novel, but I feel like this needs to be talked about more.)

      * Started therapy specifically for this purpose. It’s been very validating and the coping ideas + accountability have helped a lot. After a few months of trying additional coping mechanisms, therapist also was on board with referring to a psychiatrist for medication (when I asked, she did not push me to this). More on that below.
      * Prior to starting therapy, got tested for ADHD and was not diagnosed. However, as I imagine is the case for many women on here, I excel at testing. I can hyperfocus when in a stressful and time-crunched situation. It’s the blessing and curse of ADHD (I procrastinate to put myself in time-pressure situations where I perform better). So, I decided that I wasn’t going to let that result be more than one data point in a huge array that I have collected from my lived experience. Therapist backed me up on this.
      * Talked to a career coach who has experience with ADHD (and is what is known as an “ADHD coach”) and she was immensely helpful in providing additional coping mechanisms specific for my job. She also recommended reading More Attention, Less Deficit and ADHD 2.0.
      * Talked to a psychiatrist who basically told me that I don’t have ADHD because I wouldn’t have graduated high school and ever held a job if I did. BUT he did say that there’s a different diagnosis (can’t recall what, it sounded a little bogus TBH) under which he prescribed me Adderall XR to be taken as needed. The first day I took it I immediately felt the difference. It was like wearing noise-cancelling headphones for my brain. I didn’t feel high, or jumpy – I felt calm. I was more present with my kids. Better at work. But not like hyper-productive or hyper-focused. The right level of focused. I don’t take the medication every day (per the dr’s instructions) and will re-evaluate as I go.

      Anyway, I share all of that because for me, the combo of medication + therapy has made a big difference for me. In some ways, I feel like I don’t “deserve” to take medicine because on paper, I have been successful without it. But my career coach was like – just think what you could do if you could take away the things holding you back and embrace the parts of ADHD that make you successful while mitigating those that don’t. And I’m giving that to myself, and I think you should at least explore the idea in therapy. to see if it’s another tool in the toolbox.

    6. I would note that while Wellbutrin can be used to treat ADHD, it may not be helping YOUR ADHD, or at least not as much as another medicine would. There are several categories of ADHD meds, and a good psychiatrist should go through some options to find what works best for you. So if you don’t feel like your ADHD has improved or become easier to manage since starting the Wellbutrin, it’s very likely there’s another med out there that would help. Wellbutrin did nothing for my ADHD, but it definitely helps a lot of people!
      Also, neither my primary care doc, who started me on ADHD meds, nor my psychiatrist, who helped fine tune them, required any extensive testing to diagnose ADHD. We discussed the symptoms and my history, and decided it was worth trying meds. So getting a diagnosis doesn’t necessarily have to require lots of time or effort – assuming of course that you are lucky enough to start with a doctor who is open to the discussion. I realize that finding a doctor to assist can be a significant challenge.
      If you feel like you don’t need more help right now, then it sounds like there’s no need to go further. But I’d encourage you to keep that option open in your mind for later. If you reach a point where your coping strategies aren’t enough anymore, go get more help. I managed my unrecognized and undiagnosed ADHD just fine until I was in my 40s, when suddenly everything started falling apart, at which point effective meds became essential.
      One last thing – I am currently working through A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD and I have found it really helpful for working through some of my behaviors and thought patterns and how they developed. It has led to some good insights.
      Good luck!

  19. Would love some outside perspective: my boyfriend was engaged and his fiancé unexpectedly passed away less than 2 years ago. As he was still pretty deep in mourning, COVID hit, and while he wanted to give her friends and possibly a few family members the opportunity to stop by and pick up some momentos they had expressed interest in, the pandemic prevented that and he still has quite a few of her belongings at his place (which they shared). He has now set a date for this (it will be masked and spaced out so not a large gathering), and asked me if I would be there for moral support. I’ve told him I’m there for him for whatever he needs, but I’m wondering if her friends will be bothered if I’m there? We haven’t been together that long, relatively, and I’m worried that some might see it as “new girlfriend wants him to get rid of her stuff” or something. I’m sure it will turn into looking at photos and reminiscing, and I can see it being strange-feeling both if I hang back too much, or get too involved. This event isn’t about me in any way so maybe I’m overthinking, but I just am worried that by being there, I’ll detract from the day.

    Generally, he knows he’s needed to do this and finish donating what’s left as a part of his healing process and I’m not pushing anything, we spend most of our time at my place anyways and I just want to be supportive. We’ve talked about openly about her and I’ve enjoyed hearing stories, it’s a big part of his life and an important one, and I think she would have been someone I would have gotten along well with, and she would have wanted for him to be happy and find someone. I just don’t know any of these folks and while he keeps in touch with some of them, I haven’t met any (COVID).

    1. I think your instincts are correct — it’s not a great look for the new girlfriend to be there for this specific thing. Doesn’t he have a close male friend who can be his wingman for this?

      1. And also, if you feel uncomfortable about it, that is a way good enough reason to say no: “Hey I love you but this just isn’t something I can participate in. Come over the minute it’s over but it doesn’t feel right for me to be there.”

    2. My gut says that these folks would love to meet you, because they would be happy that your bf, who lost his partner, has found someone. You haven’t been dating long, but these people could end up being in your life for a long time. I would attend and just go with the flow.

      1. Maybe ask boyfriend if he thinks any of the friends/family could have a problem with you being there. But definitely consider the possibility that they just want him to heal and if you make him happy, they might like meeting you. You didn’t break up a happy couple, you’re not ‘the other woman’. Hopefully the friends and family have had some time to heal and the likelihood of them projecting their hurt in this irrational way is low.

      2. I think you’re right that generally the friends will be happy for him, and he has let some of them he’s closer to know that he’s in a relationship, with positive reaction. I’m sure I will meet some of these folks eventually. but I just am not sure this is the right time. I’m going to float it by him that perhaps I can come over right after, and maybe if he wants someone there, he could ask one of his parents to be present, as they live nearby.

    3. Your instincts are right and I would skip. I think this could be awkward for her friends, and for you both. People may feel weird about saying things about their relationship or how happy he made her (or vice versa) or other platitudes if you were around. And you may feel odd hearing a lot of glowing things about her and wondering how you match up (I certainly would).

    5. I would make a deal with him… he moves everything into the main room of the home and keeps people there, I would spend the day in the bedroom (and have laptop and snacks and such prepared there). This way, he can come in to see me between guests if he needs support but I would ask him not to volunteer info that I was there. This way, the guests get their privacy in the moment with their beloved’s item and a man they know and I am there for him, without interfering or having to worry about my actions being judged.

      If that’s too odd for you, I think you offer to be on phone call and video stand-by for the day but not go. While it may be comforting for him, it could be tricky for others and the goal is not to upset their process either. (As for meeting them, this isn’t the right time. If he chooses to tell them about you, a meet can be set up for another less emotional non-covid time.)

    6. This may sound mean, but I don’t think you should set yourself up as the primary support person to help him grieve his late fiancée. What happened to him was awful. He’ll always have a place in his heart for her, and it’s wonderful that you understand that. But there’s a boundary between being accepting of a big part of a new BF’s life versus being BF’s primary person to help him process his grief over something that happened before I met him. That’s a lot to put on a new relationship. I worry it sets a tone that the emotional support in this relationship is lopsided.

      I would also ask you to consider the timeline in your first paragraph. If this was truly a matter of giving her stuff to the right people, he could have boxed it up and dropped it off at their door. Or set it outside his own door. Covid didn’t prevent that. This idea that everyone should come over at once to get her stuff… this is more like a continuation of the funeral. I really question whether he’s ready to be in a new relationship yet.

      1. I appreciate this comment, it’s a good thing to consider, though I do think that he’s ready. I’d characterize his parents as his main support system for dealing with the loss, as well as a few close friends, but several of those friends live out of town. He overall has a really positive perspective and a greater appreciation for what he has. We don’t talk about her constantly or anything, if something reminds him of her or whatever, I’m glad to have him share that, just like he might say, oh, this meme makes me think of my brother. He’s very proactive about wanting an equal relationship, he’s been really supportive when I needed it when my grandpa was in the hospital with COVID and when I had a hellish work deadline As far as timeline, I don’t think I’m making excuses for him, he was about to set something up before COVID hit and I think he held on to the idea that he wanted them to come over and be able to go through and select what they want (jewelry, handbags, small momento type items). COVID has been very rough on him as he’s in hospitality management, so I believe him that he didn’t have a lot of bandwidth to get that done.

    7. I had a dear friend who died of cancer after a horrible year of suffering. Her husband was amazing through her illness and devastated by her death. He remarried within 3years of her death and some of our friend group were furious with him. (Perhaps anger over her death that was misdirected towards him, but it was real.). It might not be rational, but I think your unease is on point that some may be uncomfortable with your presence and perhaps your existence. Both you and BF would be better served for you to be the comfort and safe haven after the day of distribution.

  20. yesterday i asked about how to keep track of different houses we see when house hunting and the response was mostly “you’ll just know.” i have never in my entire life made a decision by it just ‘feeling’ right. maybe that will be the case with a house, but part of the issue is that we are looking in two adjacent neighborhoods – one neighborhood is a gorgeous neighborhood with gorgeous homes and a good elementary school, but the second neighborhood might be a better fit in terms of the people who live there, but finding a house is kind of a needle in a haystack bc it is a pretty small area, many homes have a history of flooding, and it is located between two highways and we don’t want to hear the highway. does anyone have any stories to share about buying a home that weren’t just knowing it was the right house? and how do you get yourself to stop looking at new things on the market once you buy?

    1. Honestly it’s so tough to buy a house that you should make an offer when you find one that meets your criteria – I think that’s what people meant when they said that you’ll just know. You’ll look at a bunch and if you’re lucky maybe there’ll be one where you can’t hear the highway and you actually like the house. At least that has been my experience. In a lot of markets right now you pretty much have to make an offer the same day, so if you like the house you probably can’t wait to see more next week and weigh the pros and cons, you either offer or you cross it off the list.

      1. Agreed. You’ll definitely know when a house does NOT meet your criteria, which will make it all the easier to get that “you’ll just know” feeling. The reason you’ll “just know” it’s the right house is that you won’t be getting the “nope” or “sigh, maybe I could make this work but I don’t really love it” feeling on a bunch of things, and you’ll actually be excited about using the kitchen, or how your furniture will look in the living room, etc.

    2. I think it’s hard to say if you’ll know if you don’t understand a) your lifestyle and what you really need in a home and b) know what’s realistic for the market. With knowing your lifestyle, you’re going to understand how you live and how a space will work for you. Do you need an open concept kitchen/living? Do you need a separate laundry room, or will a hall closet system or machines in the garage work for you. Those types of details are what make one house the better choice for you versus the other. And if you don’t know that, it’ll be something you’ll have to discover. When it comes to knowing the market, I think the only way is to go to a lot of open houses (back in the day) and showings and see what’s available. Photos make houses seem in better condition than they are. A perfectly nice house in photos can be actually really beat-up in person. If you’re not really focusing on either, it’s just a gamble. Maybe it’ll be right for you or maybe it won’t be. Some people are very risk adverse and will rent and wait, while others just buy and jump in.

    3. When I bought (solo, so not having to consider another person’s timeline or feelings about a house) I found that you either have a timeline you need to find a house meeting as many of your criteria as possible within or you have to allow yourself to have all the time in the world and take the pressure of time off the decision. When I approached buying, I drew a 20-square block rectangle on a map and told me relator this is where my house would be, this is my list of criteria and my budget supports finding a home in this range in this neighborhood, and I was willing to wait for the right one, no matter how long it took. I literally wouldn’t entertain houses that weren’t in my box on the map, so they were automatic no. The “perfect” home popped onto the market on a Monday night 2 months later and I saw it Tuesday, made an offer and went through a multiple-bid situation and got it by Friday. I loved it when I saw it and knew it was the one, but objectively it met all of my criteria, was in the box, and was within budget. So, work with your relator to understand the market and if your budget is covering all of your non-negotiable criteria. Rank your “nice to have” criteria. A garage was nice-to-have and I don’t have a garage but I do have off-street parking and a TON of storage and so that met the spirit of what I wanted enough that it faded the importance of that item. I still check real estate listings regularly, but it’s mostly because I’m curious like to understand the market, I don’t have a life-event impetus to move (schools, having a kid, etc) and nothing I’ve seen has ever seen that’s similar to my place has ever made me think “OMG it would so be worth the hassle and cost of moving to live at that house”.

      2. This. We intentionally bought at the midpoint of our budget and after nearly a decade in the house we can afford something larger. However, to get something larger AND updated would be our house x3, not our house x2, and after renovating our home to our taste and quality all those builder grade new houses just look kind of junky and cookie cutter. So…we’re staying put. Also, I have packed and moved our family twice and that was in much smaller spaces and I honestly would rather do a reno once a year than move again..,

    4. Based on what you described, I think it makes sense to cut out the area that objectively doesn’t work for you (the second area) so you don’t let your feelings get in the way of your needs. And as a resident of the gulf coast, flooding issues are a huge and ever rising concern with global warming, don’t trap yourself with a 100k bill to raise your unsellable house. Unless you’re part of a very specific community with a high population in a certain neighborhoods, you probably won’t interact with your neighbors enough for the “better fit in terms of people who live there” to matter – unless you’re talking about issues of safety (like as a religious or ethnic minority living in a conservative area.)

      1. so we are part of a certain religious community and would like our kdis to be in school with others from that community, which is why the second area is appealing. but it is definitely not a safety concern

    5. I do not make decisions about “feeling right” but I agree with the other posters that keeping track of houses will not be difficult. You will go to an open house because the pictures on Zillow were great, but leave when you realize you can hear the highway in the kitchen. No need to track that one!

      In my case, I was not in love with my house. I love the location, the school district, the neighborhood, and the price. It has the number of bedrooms we wanted and the lot size we wanted. I will always look at houses on Zillow (it’s basically my hobby), but I have never regretted my purchase because the other houses are either missing one of those key details or cost substantially more. In fact, I have grown to appreciate my house more over time.

    6. I’m one of the “you just know” people, and I promise after you go to your showings today, you’ll understand what we mean. Have you ever bought a car? And you know how you liked some of them better than others? Even if they all offered the same features? The seats just felt better or you liked the way the dash was set up better. It’s like that.

      And a house is SUCH a big investment that you really shouldn’t settle unless you’re in a NYC/SF-type market where houses sell in a nano-second for thousands above asking and you have twins coming in 3 months and you don’t have a choice but to buy anything that works. In every other situation, buy a house that you love – or after months of diligently searching know to be the best you’ll find even if you’re not in love with it – and you won’t wish you had gone with something else. Like a car, there will always be “oh, I wish I had a panoramic sunroof” things, but you’ll be substantially happy if you take your time.

      1. yes i’ve bough a car but i really don’t care about cars. we looked at 3 cars, chose the one with that seemed like the best deal in a color we liked and the end. the only thing that i’ve ever purchased that seems like a big deal at the time was my wedding dress…but it was also just a dress. i did have some buyer’s remorse two weeks before my wedding when i saw pictures of someone else in the dress i almost bought, but then had a wonderful time at my wedding and kind of forgot about it, though i do sometimes still think about when i look at my wedding pictures

    7. At some point, you will know that it is a reasonable compromise of your wants vs what is available to you now that you can afford. Real estate IMO is always a compromise choice.

    8. I’m not sure if I’m going to explain this right, but it’s not like a “you just know” situation like it is with, say, finding a significant other where there’s a huge unknown/undefined emotional element to it, and that there’s maybe only one out there for you.

      There are probably (hopefully) many houses out there for you, and the reasons a house is or is not for you should feel more cut and dry. You should have some list of criteria you are looking for in a house, some of which are deal breakers if it doesn’t have, some of which would be nice to haves, and some features that you know you absolutely do not want. These items are different for everyone. It might take several home viewings to simply come up with a reasonable list for these if you’ve never owned a home before, in which case you might not “know” during this first round of fact finding tours – even if in hindsight one or two of those would’ve been right for you. Once you feel pretty secure in these lists, next time you visit a house that meets your criteria and is in your price range and doesn’t present any new major negatives that you simply haven’t thought of before, you make an offer. Rinse and repeat as necessary. There is obviously some level of emotion/gut feeling about the whole thing (i.e. really being able to see yourself there etc.) but maybe not to the level the “you just know” responses made it sound to a newbie buyer.

      Good luck! Oh, and how to stop looking after you buy? Why? Are you worried you will constantly have buyers remorse? After our starter home I continued to receive notifications from Redfin for our immediate area so I could keep up with what our home was likely valued at. Now we just bought our forever home and I turned everything off as I truly don’t care (much) anymore. I have been obsessively looking at houses for years but when the time comes it’s a pretty easy thing to mentally turn off and mentally occupy yourself with other things.

    9. We made a spreadsheet of wants and needs and updated it iteratively as we learned what mattered to us (turns out we wanted more recent construction than we originally thought). Maybe that would work for you?

    10. I saw about 20-30 flats when I was hunting. The ones I didn’t like merge into each other in my memory. The first 10-15 of those helped me solidify what I was looking for (and triangulate that ‘this is what I get for £X and this is what I get for £X+30’) and the remainders were about finding it.
      I did write a table in my notebook with address, asking price, valuation, rooms, and square footage, to keep track when I was booking and going to viewings.

    11. Are you familiar with the concept of “satisficers” vs “maximizers?” It has to do with decision-making styles: Some people (satisficers) have a list of criteria and when they find a house (car/blazer/college/whatever) that checks enough boxes, they buy it and stop looking. And one way to describe that process is “this house just feels like the right one.” Others (the maximizers) have to shop and shop and look and look and make sure they have the EXACT PERFECT THING (and maybe even after).

      The research seems to show that satisficers are generally more satisfied (heh) with their decisions and as a reformed maximizer that is consistent with my experience.

      https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201506/satisficing-vs-maximizing

    12. Longer response in mod but you might want to look into “satisficers vs maximizers” decision-making styles.

    13. Personally, I buy the neighborhood. In your case the flood thing would give me pause as IDK if that would be a hurdle I could overcome. Here’s the thing, a great house in a meh fit neighborhood ceases to be a great house, and as such a meh house in a great fit neighborhood ceases to be a meh house. Just my opinion.

      2. Agree.

        OP, I’m not a particularly emotional person when it comes to important purchases. I didn’t “just know” when I bought my car or my wedding dress. I just picked something I liked well enough and went with it.

        We looked at a bunch of houses when we bought our first house, and a lot of them were just kinda meh. When we saw our house though, it was one of those “open the front door and hear the angels sing” type moments. It just felt like being at home. I just felt really comfortable there right away. We lived there happily for a number of years, but realized that some of the things we loved about the house aesthetically were actually a huge hassle.

        When we bought our next house, it was in a neighborhood we always wanted to live in for a variety of reasons. And we bought a house that seemed… fine. It was definitely not one of those “angels sing” type moments. But the neighborhood more than makes up for that. Over time, I will make the house sing to me by doing things to make it look how I want. But the neighborhood? Amazing. Having other kids all around for my only child to play with? Amazing. Being able to walk her to school? Amazing. Being a few miles from work? Amazing. Being able to walk to multiple playgrounds, parks, and restaurants? Amazing. Completely worth living in a house I didn’t have an emotional response to in the beginning.

    14. I bought 2 homes. The first I did not ‘just know’ but it met my criteria and fit my budget in a competitive market. I never stopped checking listings while living there. It was my starter home and I learned a lot from that purchase about what was really important to me. Turns out my then-partner and I also had very different taste in homes.

      My second house, I knew it was right the moment I stepped inside. It is still a compromise in some ways that would not work for everyone (HCOL area) but I love it. And for this purchase I only looked at 4 homes in person because I already knew the market and my criteria.

      All this to say, experience helped me get better at buying a house I love. And having a bigger budget helped a lot too.

    15. DH and I bought a house about 2 years ago. We also approach decisions logically and aren’t the “just know” kind of people. We probably looked at around 30 houses, and we didn’t “just know.” We homed in on what we really wanted by looking at a bunch of houses. Even after we knew what we wanted generally, we ruled out some lovely houses for very specific reasons. We finally were down to two choices–basically between a smaller, recently renovated house in a great location and a larger, more dated house in a still-good location. We went with the larger house (4 BR/3BA vs 3 BR/2BA, for a family of 3). If our offer hadn’t been accepted, we probably would have made an offer on the smaller house.

      With the pandemic, having more space is looking like a great choice. Also, our house has appreciated by about 30% (according to an appraisal this month), while the other hasn’t–that great neighborhood basically capped out around the time we were buying. We’ve also made some updates to the inside of our house, while the other house’s renovations are moving toward “dated,” as they all do eventually.

  21. If anyone needs a laugh, I had a rom-com worthy moment this morning. My Apple Watch is set to display selected pictures. I forgot that one of my display settings links up to my favorites album. FH and I got engaged recently and I just chose a wedding dress. Apparently I saved a picture of me in the dress to my favorites album. This morning, FH and I were in the kitchen making breakfast and coffee. I glance at my watch and notice it’s a picture of me in the dress. I was so shocked I violently whipped my opposite hand around to cover the watch face, which caused me to trip over the open dishwasher door, fall into FH, who spilled our coffees all over our breakfasts but thankfully not on himself. When he asked what happened I, still panicked, shouted NOTHING and ran away still holding my wrist like a surly teenager who was just caught with a j.

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