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Here's a lifestyle question for today: For those of you who think there's a “choice” component to happiness, what are your best tips on how to choose to be happy? For example, a friend of a friend recently shared this Facebook post about a 92-year-old, legally-blind woman moving into a nursing home, and I thought this part was fascinating:
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.
As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.
“I love it,” she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. “Mrs. Jones, you haven’t seen the room …. just wait.” “That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied.
“Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged, it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away, just for this time in my life.” (author unknown)
Fabulous! I am definitely not a model of happiness — progress, not perfection, right? — but something I do personally is to only allow myself a set period of time to be angry in close personal relationships.
With my husband, for example, I get three days to be actively angry about something (possibly in a passive way), and after that, I need to reassess and either a) let it go or b) take active steps to change whatever made me angry to start to move forward.
It's important to note that he's a very mild, easygoing guy, and we don't have a huge, strife-filled relationship — I just remember my grandmother in her 90s still angry and complaining about things my grandfather had done (or not done) when they were in their 20s.
So I made an active choice when we decided to get married to not hold on to anger or disappointment like that or let myself wallow in it.
But I suppose this story just illustrates another possibility for discussion: What IS happiness to you? Is it a “freedom from __” kind of situation (anger, anxiety, regret, sadness, stress), or something else — balance, ease, contentment? Progress, growth?
(Here's a question that's sure to be a minefield, but I can't stop myself from asking it: How can you be happy AND informed about politics and world events?)
So readers, let's hear from you: How are you choosing to be happy? Do you keep a list of your accomplishments or praise to look through when you're feeling down? Is happiness one of the main reasons you engage in self-care like meditation, exercise, social engagements, or alone time? For those of us who are happiness-challenged, what have you found success with?
Stock photo via Stencil.
Further Reading on How to Choose to Be Happy
- How to Be Happy [New York Times]
- Choosing Happiness In Your Life [Psych Central]
- How to Be Happier [TIME]
- How to Choose Happiness [Oprah]
Anon
Cynically, I think at least some of that story is apocryphal.
I say this as someone who was still relatively happy when she had a series of medical crises and came close to dying: there are some situations that actually just hurt. Patting people on the head and telling them that they can “decide” to be happy rubs salt in the wound.
I don’t need anyone’s “permission,” or even my own “permission,” to be sad, hurt, or frustrated. Those are normal and healthy human responses to a variety of situations. But you should probably do an honest assessment of your life to figure out what the relative scale (and source) of your problems are, if you are frequently unhappy.
Senior Attorney
I agree. I think the whole “deciding to be happy” model is similar to any “positive thinking” model in that it works fine when things are going reasonably well, but it falls apart when real difficulties arise. Like, are all those displaced people in Syria just making bad choices?
Anon
I don’t think “deciding to be happy” is “positive thinking”. “Positive thinking” is denying that there is something wrong, turning a blind eye to the problem at hand. Where as making a choice to be happy is accepting the reality and still not letting mind run reckless (like experiencing anxiety, fear etc), be grounded and working towards a solution.
Anon
See, I would almost say the reverse. I would say that “positive thinking” is being grateful for what you have and trying to think on the bright side, but that doesn’t necessarily require feeling “happy” about a particular situation. My grandmother recently died at 96 – to me positive thinking is reminding myself about how long she lived, what a good life she had, and all the happy memories we have together. But I don’t feel happy about her death. I feel sad. And I think that’s pretty normal, and I shouldn’t have to decide to feel happy about it.
Anon
I am “Anon” above. You don’t have to decide to be “happy” about your grandmother’s death, but you can be at peace with it as you cannot bring her back to life.
Humanity has been searching for the answer for this question from thousands of years and found the answers as well .For example, the most famous is the Buddha, who wanted to find the way to end all suffering and he found the solution. The premise is all of your feelings, sensations arise from with in you. If you are feeling sad, happy, angry etc, it is arising within you. Outside people can physically harm you, you may feel physical pain, but you can still choose not to feel sad (as sadness is an emotion, which arises within you).
I am not above anything, I have been depressed for long stretches of time, I have been in therapy, I have anxiety etc. I am dealing with sadness as I type (dealing with infertility is difficult, I am no where near to where I wanted to be in my career etc), but some where there is an awareness that I don’t have to feel sad, I just have to do what needs to be done. Without this awareness, it would have been much more difficult to deal with this.
It is very difficult to explain, it is something that you come to know by experience. I was in a very difficult situation once (not physically harmed, but felt very out of control, violated and hopeless), it impacted me so much that I would constantly think about it even after that situation had passed , generating more fear and anxiety for myself. It became very bad one day and I couldn’t breathe, and something within me said “stop”. I just knew that moment that I could choose to think about it or not think about it. My anxiety disappeared in a moment. I do get depressed, anxious from time to time, but I catch myself before letting it spiral out of control.
I also know that for some people, it is an issue with the chemistry in their brain and they cannot help it. They need medical support. But for vast majority of people, it is self created.
Senior Attorney
“But for the vast majority of people who are as privileged as the people posting on this site, it is self created.”
Fixed it for you. Or maybe you think those Syrian refugees are just over-reacting?
anon
Gotta agree with SA here. I’d also like to add that there’s no binary distinction between Bad Brain Chemistry and Healthy Brain Chemistry. People don’t fit neatly into categories of ‘presently suffering empirically validated brain-chemistry based clinical depression’ and.. not. And even people who have “issues with the chemistry in their brain” can do a LOT to help themselves. Sorry, neuropsychology is just a bit more complex than “unhappiness is self-created.”
Anon
Have you seen each and every one of the Syrian refugee and conclude that all of them are reacting the same way to the atrocities they have faced?I bet there is a lot of variation even in Syrian refugees in the way they are handling the same situation. Some handle it with lot of grace (doing all the things necessary to get to a safe place) and some are in way too much pain to be even functional. That is the choice I am talking about.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, sorry. Not gonna judge people in a war zone for not handling it with sufficient grace to live up to your expectations.
But you knock yourself out, though.
Anon
Hmm..I stated by observation, it is neither expectation nor judgement. Neither I stated any where that I have those qualities in me. But I aspire to be able attain that equanimity some day.
If you are so bent on being completely out of control within yourself by what is happening around you and the difficult situations that you are made to face (on which you may not have much control), nobody is stopping you.
Anon
Right. This strategy only works for those of us with a lot of privilege.
Ellen
I don’t really understand this word, APOCRYPHAL, or why U used it here, but HUGS to you for going through all that you have, and I hope that all goe’s well for you in the future. For the rest of the HIVE, who may not know the word either, here is the definition:
a·poc·ry·phal
[əˈpäkrəfəl]
ADJECTIVE
(of a story or statement) of doubtful authenticity, although widely circulated as being true.
“an apocryphal story about a former president”
synonyms:
fictitious · made-up · untrue · fabricated · false · spurious · imaginary · mythical · legendary · dubious · doubtful · debatable · questionable · unverified · unauthenticated · [more]
of or belonging to the Apocrypha.
“the apocryphal Gospel of Thomas”
Ellen
To me, being happy means working in a good job, making good money, having a boyfriend/husband who cares about me and not just having s-x with me, having children, and a good nucular family who I can rely on. I have most of these things, so I am happy, but I can be happier after I get a boyfriend who will be there for me and marry me and give me a nice family and home, ideally in Chapaqua. I do NOT consider this unreasonable, and neither should anyone else in the hive, right?
Anon
You can absolutely choose to be happy. However, very very few people can do that because:
1. People cannot believe that we can choose to be happy and be happy without anything external happening to them.
2. Even if they believe they can choose to be happy, putting it into practice takes enormous discipline and practice which people are not willing to commit to. It is easier to be sad and let our mind control us than to control our mind and be happy. (I am this type)
SupaDupaAnon
I think this kind of rhetoric is used to placate people so that they won’t challenge the status quo.
SupaDupaAnon
Also, everyone should read Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich.
Anonymous
+1,000. The same way that “self-care” is used to tell women that if you are miserable working a demanding job while simultaneously caring for children and aging relatives, it’s your own fault because you aren’t doing enough yoga or being sufficiently “mindful,” not society’s fault for prioritizing the interests of the wealthy over support for working people and families.
Anon
Amen to all of this.
SupaDupaAnon
Absolutely. Convincing individuals to take responsibility for things that are structural problems is a great trick.
anon
THIS. Not trying to start this debate, but this is exactly why debates over maternity leave rile me up so much. The adage that someone’s maternity leave “shouldn’t unfairly burden your coworkers” because it’s your CHOICE to have a kid and no one else should have to pay for it… what a fantastic job The Powers That Be have done turning people against each other!! Instead of getting frustrated at your company for refusing to pay you over time, or hiring a temp, get mad at the woman who is having the baby. Instead of getting mad at the government for failing to implement a society wide solution, get mad at the woman who is having the baby.
CC
I concur, and would like to add that part of the effectiveness of this self-care approach stems from the permission I give myself to prioritize my own well being over my husband’s, boss’s, client’s, child’s, etc. However, it is infuriating that women don’t matter as much as men and children. Then, once women are practically depleted, not only are we the ones doing the work for everyone else, we must also be the ones to save ourselves via self-care.
cbackson
Yeah. As Westley put it in that seminal Budhhist work The Princess Bride, “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.”
You can’t choose happiness if by “happiness” we mean the avoidance of pain. What you can choose is how you react to pain, fear, misery, loss, and sadness. You can try to learn to sit with those feelings for a while, rather than trying to prevent them. Because you will never be able to prevent them – they will come as surely as the tide.
Unhappiness is often teaching us something but we won’t learn that lesson if we’re just focused on getting rid of the feeling. Maybe that sadness is a sign of clinical depression, and I need treatment. Maybe it’s caused by a problem in my relationship and I need to talk to my partner about making changes. Maybe it’s caused by a societal injustice that I’m exposed to every day, and I need to find a way to try to influence change or protect myself from that particular form of societal harm.
And then there is the pain and suffering that teaches us nothing other than that life can be horrible and unfair. And to pretend that can be wished away is to be profoundly lacking in compassion, IMO.
Anon
You said much more eloquently what I tried to say below.
Senior Attorney
This is lovely, cbackson.
cbackson
Aw, thanks. Someone on this site recommended Pema Chodron’s “When Things Fall Apart” about a month ago. I’ve been listening to the audiobook and have found it really helpful on these issues.
Monday
That was me! :)
Vicky Austin
I really love this. Thanks. (Also I love calling The Princess Bride seminal Buddhist.)
Owl Lover
A long long time ago, while bragging to my friends in college about the grad schools I was applying to, I said, “Happiness is knowing what you want to do, and doing it”. And I still agree with most of that statement. The most painful, unhappy, disappointment periods of my life are characterized by indecision in what I wanted to do with myself. For example, when i was in Grad School, I decided I didn’t want to continue, and deciding what I wanted to do instead sent me into a crazy downward spiral. That being said, i do not think that you need to be doing what you want to do to be happy. I think you just need to be working toward the goal. For example, Raising a family makes a lot of people happy, and the day to day can be terrible, but all those other things are what brings happiness.
But i think these, “happiness mechanisms” are extremely dependent upon the individual. I imagine that there is a large subset of people who are like me, but there is probably an even bigger group who isn’t.
Owl Lover
I guess I should clarify that I don’t think having kids makes everyone happy, but if its something that you want to do, then it has the power to make you happy. My best friend dropped out of college to have a family and she is one of the happiest people I know.
Personally, I cannot think of anything that would make me more unhappy.
Anonymous
I think trying to think and act positive is very important. I’m not sure if that is the same as being happy- I agree that to some extent, happiness may be beyond your control depending on circumstances. Also, I’ve read some interesting articles about trying to find moments of joy, that really resonated with me more than a Pollyanna kind of, “let’s all be happy” goal.
Anon
I think there is a difference between being happy and being okay with your feelings when you are uncomfortable or sad or hurt or unfulfilled. There have been a few questions here lately by people who aren’t all-caps HAPPY with their lives for various reasons and I think the best solution is probably to figure out how to live with those feelings rather than try to change them, especially when it’s often factors outside our control that dictate our happiness. Therapy has really helped me with this.
Torin
“after that, I need to reassess and either a) let it go or b) take active steps to change whatever made me angry to start to move forward”
I like this. It’s something I try to do too, and I think it’s really important in my general sense of well-being. It’s often more important to my own mental health to just let something go and decide not to let it affect me anymore rather than continue to be upset about something, no matter how much I have a right to. Yeah, maybe the wrong-doer didn’t apologize, and maybe they will do the wrong thing again in the future, but continuing to let it fester hurts me more than them and at a certain point I have to just say, “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
I’m not sure that’s the same as choosing to be happy. I think it’s more like choosing to value your own peace of mind over your feelings of righteousness. Happiness is much more complicated than that, and I’m not sure you can choose it.
Anon
I think it’s patronizing to suggest that a depressed person can just choose to be happy.
But we’ve all known someone who was relentlessly negative about everything. Chronic complainers, not clinically depressed people. Being unhappy in those situations is a choice or habit, and choosing to see the positive in certain situations is the same choice or habit.
I’m think of my husband here, who is not clinically depressed, but sees the negative in every situation while I tend to see the positive in the same situation. He calls us glass-half-empty and glass-half-full. It’s hard to live with sometimes.
I can also think of a woman I used to work with who drove us all crazy with her constant complaining. She got a bonus and complained about being taxed on it. She complained for ages that she hated her car but couldn’t afford the small convertible she wanted. She got a raise and bought the car of her dreams, and then complained constantly about how small the trunk was. I mean, at some point, it really is a choice. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
DCR
I’m not sure that a person can choose to be happy, but I’m convinced that a person can choose to be unhappy.
Happily Anon
It depends whether happiness is bubbly joy or happiness is peace and contentment. For me it’s more the latter…. I can be in a difficult situation or time in my life (and I have been…. infertility, miscarriage, spouse’s job loss, child’s illness, financial stress), but if my choices and actions stay aligned with my values (which comes from my faith), I know things will improve and I can keep going forward until I see the sunlight, even if I’m not smiling in the moment. I think a lot of happiness for me comes in hindsight: Yes, I can see now that it was worth it to stay the course/make the change/hang in there. Then I feel joy and enthusiasm to continue in my path, marriage, parenting style, career, etc.
If it’s bubbly happiness, then it’s my purring kitty, excellent chocolate, jamming in my car to a favorite song, my husband’s kisses, and my daughter’s giggles. Those are always welcome!
Anon for This
I generally agree with this. Very few people are bubbling over with joy all the time. That is not sustainable. Sometimes life is hard . Having said that, I make a conscious choice to try to be grateful/aware/present in the moment and to deliberately live a life that aligns with my values and beliefs, which I equate to being happy.
For a while I went to a support group for people who had the particular variety of “Very Bad Thing” (TM) that happened to me. One of the reasons I stopped was that I made the deliberate decision to stop obsessing over “Very Bad Thing”, stop letting the perpetrator of “Very Bad Thing” have more of my life than he already had, and to be grateful for the many, many, many good things in my life. I realize that does not work for everyone but in my case being happy was definitely a choice. And it is a choice that I made and continue to make every day. I cannot control what happens to me. I do control how I react and what I allow to occupy my time, thoughts and emotional energy.
Anon
+1000
Congratulations for taking back the power over your life.
anon
As someone who has long struggled with depression, “choose to be happy” often comes off to me as flippant, patronizing, or just irrelevant to me. Yes, I wish I could choose to be happy. I can’t will myself out of depression. There are lots of things I can and do to help get myself out of it, but I really balk at the suggestion that depression v. happiness is a choice. If it was as easy as saying “yep, today I want to be happy,” then wow, I would. Some times your mood just does not match up with your rational brain.
THAT SAID. There are negative people. I’ve been one of them- it’s how I was raised. In my house, everything was subject to criticism or cynicism. No negative comments were filtered. The smallest things could set off my parents into fits of anger or terrible moods for the rest of the day. Some guy going too slow in traffic? Interrupt conversation to scream at the top of your lungs and stew in a funk for the rest of the day. Ugh. WHY? (Real answer: bad unquestioned thought patterns, alcoholism, anger issues, untreated depression, probably needing therapy and/or meds.) I have learned that I can choose not to react and behave that way, and it has made my much, much happier.
Anonymama
I think “choosing to be happy” isn’t about ignoring the bad things, or pretending they don’t exist, so much as making sure to grasp on tightly to what is good, and not losing sight of the good things even amidst dealing with the terrible things. I also think people who are happier also tend to be people who are more likely to actually make positive changes in their lives, whereas unhappy people or chronic complainers who always focus on the bad are more likely to just get stuck in the rut of complaining, doomed to inaction because they always see the bad in the other options too, so they never end up changing anything (I have been there myself). And obviously clinical depression should be treated by a doctor and not as a personal choice.
Anon
Yes to all of this! My father had the emotional control of a toddler, with several outbursts per day over minor things. Sometimes he would ask if I had completed task 1, 2, 3, and 4, only to throw a fit because I hadn’t completed task 5. It’s as if he was looking for a reason for the rage.
Also, depression saps my energy, which makes it harder to make healthy choices. At some point in my 20s I exercised regularly, and STILL cried on the trail, on the elliptical machine, in the weight room, and in classes.
Avoiding negative messages is useful. I deliberately ignored the news when I had a cold and felt better emotionally.
SilkJammer
Perhaps using the term acceptance instead of happiness would help. Once we accept something (we don’t have to like it) then we can determine if we need to take action or let it be. Acceptance helps us to stop bucking what already IS. Not accepting makes us unhappy. Accepting what already IS takes the angry wind out of the sail and can assist us in finding the particular level at which we can accept happiness. Personally, I aspire to peace, serenity, and comfort far more than happiness. And I have a friend who frequently asks a question worth considering, “How much happiness can you stand (before you throw the monkey wrench in)?” For me, sometimes not much.
Alexis
I love this discussion! Stepping back from the philosophical stuff for a second to talk about practical strategies, I have found that removing negative messaging can help. By that I don’t mean ignoring what’s going on in the world, but unfollowing certain people/pages on social media and knowing when to step away from the news cycle to preserve my mental and emotional well-being. I also have a tendency to ruminate, and one thing that helps me to get out of my own head is to actually talk to other people – not text, but go and meet a friend, or even call somebody. I’m a contemplative person, but there’s a fine line between contemplation and rumination for me, and rumination can spiral into depression quickly. Meditation helps me too, as does surrounding myself with reminders that I CAN choose to be happy (like following pages that share mindfulness/Buddhist quotes) and that there are a lot of good things in my life (I have a rotation of family photos as my desktop background at work). Gratitude practice really helps too. I force myself to think of specific things for which I’m grateful, and I write thank-you notes to friends and family who make a positive difference in my life.
Alexis
For more on the topic of choosing to be happy, I recommend the iconic work Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who survived a Nazi concentration camp and developed the concept of logotherapy.