Gift Idea: Big Macs & Burgundy

126 Comments

1. I remember an article in the LA Times years ago, like 1990 or so, called “Which Wine with Fish Sticks?” I thought it was a brilliant idea.

   1. Alls I know is viognier + mac’n’cheese

2. I have been dating someone for almost 3 years now. I am having a hard time articulating why but the relationship feels unhealthy to me and I think I want to end it.

   We are both in our early 40s and in short he just doesn’t seem to be a functioning adult to me. To start, he is absurdly emotionally needy. His lease has been month to month for over a year now because he can’t bring himself to look at other apartments. He drives a beater car that is objectively unsafe because his “dream car” is a collector classic SUV that costs 6 figures. He “needs” me to accompany him to buy clothes – even his friends say he looked like a bum before I got involved with him. Speaking of his friends, half of them seem to have wild problems (drugs, strange relationships, always standing him up) that massively bother him but not to the point of him ending those friendships – he just vents endlessly to me about how he doesn’t have enough friends.

   I am exhausted with all of this, but questioning my experience because he looks so great “on paper” – including 15 years in the military, from which he retired with a high officer rank. (How can someone like that be so dysfunctional?!) The gardening IS amazing, and also he has such good values and empathy for others. We also met through dear mutual friends so if I let this man go I am worried about explaining why I would dump someone that seems so great.

   Am I crazy to let this guy go, especially at my age? And if not, how do I end things well enough to avoid losing friends I value?

   1. I think it’s fair to say you guys operate differently and you don’t think you’d be a good match long term. But, to quote tiktok, it isn’t dysfunctional if it’s functioning – it’s just not functioning the way you’d prefer. Ask yourself if the car issue resolved itself if you’d be more interested in staying… I’m guessing not.

      1. I think the guy isn’t perfect, but for the time being, if the gardening is as good as you say, stick with him. You don’t have to marry him, but do you have other options? You sound relatively normal, so if marrage is required, and this guy keeps bothering you should consider telling him, and then seeing his reaction. You DONT want him going ape on you if he senses you are gardening with other men, and make sure you tell the other men about him before you start gardening with him. Military men can be very possessive and you need to be sure you can garden with others without jepordizing your health.

         I am watching Kathy Lee on the Today show. Does anyone know if she’s had work done on her face? She looks very good and I am guessing she is 60 or so?

   2. You need to focus on what you need, which is not to be in this relationship. End it in person, clearly, firmly, with a plan for getting stuff back (ie- take all your stuff you want from his apartment first). and then you let the chips fall where they may. It will be important to not be available for him to contact. Mutual friends may or may not care but there’s nothing wrong with saying you agree that he’s a great guy, but he wasn’t the right guy for you.

   3. I don’t see the issue with being month-to-month. And my guy military friends often struggle with civilian casual clothes, even if they are colonels, especially if they are single / non-coupled (so I have been the Shopping Friend for a guy I knew from high school). The friends with wild drug problems would bother me a bit (but if he is ex-military or any other really stressful job, I suppose the soul finds it solace where it can). If it’s not working for YOU, break up b/c of that. Not because of not measuring up on some random list.

      1. Month to month per se is not the issue. The issue is the endless anxious venting about his feelings that he could lose his apartment at any time. There is a solve for that; you find a new place and move. But that would take action on his part, and he seems incapable of that. I have even sent him listings for rentals and he picks apart every listing – e.g. the parking is awful is that neighborhood (but still better than his current neighborhood).

         1. Moving is a PITA. Often a landlord will just let you sign another lease vs deal with re-tenanting an apartment. Better to be assigned to a barracks.

            My spouse is one of those analysis-paralysis people (and I have a parent like that). So I am the default decider, because I am OK making what seems to be the best decision at the time based on available info. It’s a personality style. If it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you. But neither is inherently right or wrong. The flip side, often wrong but never in doubt, can also be true.

   4. If you’re describing the relationship as exhausting, then I think it is time to end it.

      1. This. The small-picture complaints seem wide of the mark to me — it’s just not working for you in general. Stick with that.

   5. I would say that if you want to have kids, you need to end this relationship because all these thing will becomes 1000X worse. I would even suggest ending anyways if you are already exhausted by his. I think many people like this succeed in the military because they need the structure.

   6. You get to have whatever dealbreakers you have. And yes, if you are describing the relationship as “exhausting,” then maybe it’s time to end it. And you don’t have to defend your choice to anybody: your only job is to convey the information that “he’s a great guy but in the end it turned out we weren’t a match, and I’m not up for discussing it further.”

      1. +1,000

         I ended a relationship with an absolutely lovely person who had no red flags because it wasn’t right for me and made absolutely no apologies for it. It wasn’t right for me and that’s all anyone needed to know.

   7. Girl, plenty of dudes are good lays. Let this one go – you deserve someone you’re crazy about and so does he.

   8. You don’t owe an explanation to your friends! Stop worrying about what they’re going to think and put yourself first. You very clearly don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.

   9. Sounds like this isn’t working for you and like you want to be with someone more independent/less co-dependent — and that’s extremely reasonable! Don’t let what other people may think keep you in a relationship you don’t enjoy.

   10. In your 40s, I think we are all a bit scratch-and-dent. Whatever your dealbreakers are (e.g., kids, divorced, paying a ton in child support, still in student loan debt), you are likely to confront them often (so try to confront them early-on). From your list of complaints here, if you even try to articulate it beyond “it’s not working for me,” it seems to randomly weed out a lot of people (no month-to-month leases, no beater cars, no needing fashion help) who might be fine (so don’t mention these when you do announce that you’ve broken up).

       1. No no no, you do not have to accept the broken toy theory at any age. OP, I second the “you get whatever dealbreakers you want” comment and everything you list would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Yikes. I wouldn’t sign up for that. And fwiw, I met my husband well into our 40s and neither of us are “scratch and dent” – we just had a solid idea of what we wanted and didn’t settle.

          1. I am just really not computing on the month-to-month tenancy. I think that is most long-term renters that I know (certainly much of NYC). Maybe the issue is “anxiety re housing that remains unresolved and of which I am tired of hearing again and again”?

             1. If you’re month to month and fine with it, or at least dealing with it, that’s not an issue. Who even knows the details or other peoples leases.
                The issue is that he is complaining about it and wants a change but is making no effort to get there, even if she guides him. It’s not really about the lease, its about the lack of agency.

   11. It doesn’t sound like you really respect him, in which case you should let him go because no one should be with someone who feels that way about him. I’m not saying you are wrong, just that you aren’t doing him any favors by sticking around because you don’t think you should feel the way you feel or because you value your mutual friends more than your SO. Relationships are mysterious–your friends ought to be able to understand that it just wasn’t working for you for your own idiosyncratic reasons. You really don’t owe them more explanation than that.

   12. I know somebody a lot like this, and a lot of people a little bit like this. I think some people achieve in one area of life while letting other areas go, and sometimes it’s too late to catch up. It sounds like you don’t want to join this lifestyle or build something else together and aren’t really smitten anyway. But I think you might be surprised how many otherwise accomplished people live like this or just as idiosyncratically/with just as much difficulty though.

   13. One of the things that I think is really crucial to relationships working, and which I don’t see a lot of discussion about, is “is your approach to solving problems compatible with your partner’s approach?” Because I have seen that make or break relationships. My husband and I are pretty different in many ways, but when the s— hits the fan, we solve problems similarly – we take a deep breath and weigh options, and can have calm, logical conversations about how to take action after we’ve looked at facts and examined pros and cons. He can be appropriately decisive while also being open to looking at different sides of an issue to be able to figure out the best path forward, and I have a similar approach (although I am a little too quick to jump to solutions when we still need to do more research, and at times he can get stuck in “analysis paralysis,” but we’ve figured out, over the years, productive ways to keep each other in check).

       Some of what you’re describing seems like adulting fails, but some of it just seems like you have a very different way of approaching a problem than he does. Some of this may be that given your partner is a long-time military person, a lot of his day-to-day life was taken care of by the military for many years, and I have seen in my own life that career military folks can have a difficult time adjusting to having to make their own decisions, after they get out. Not making excuses for him – absolutely, he should have figured this out, or be in the process of figuring it out, with help from a counselor/therapist if necessary. But bottom line, his approach and your approach to problems don’t seem compatible. That’s enough of a reason to end the relationship. Good gardening is nice to have but think about it: are you willing to spend the rest of your life bickering endlessly with someone about renewing a lease, or getting the sink fixed, or getting the car’s tires rotated? Things that should be pretty straightforward, let’s make the decision and be done and move forward with this? For me, I feel like, I am busy and have lots to do on my own, and I need a partner who can handle their s— and not continually need hand-holding or endless time to process/weigh options. Like, just go execute, already. If someone I was dating didn’t have that ability, I would dump them, because I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with constant indecision and stasis. It doesn’t mean that person is not a good person fundamentally, or that they’re not right for someone, out there. But they aren’t right for me and there’s no reason to waste my time trying to convince myself differently. “Seems great” and “is great” are different things, and if your friends have a problem with you dumping this guy – hey! Now he’s available; they can feel free to date him if they want.

       1. Well said.

       2. This right here sums up why I dumped several very nice men – “I need a partner who can handle their s— and not continually need hand-holding or endless time to process/weigh options.”

          I stayed in a lot of those relationships for way too long because my friends told me I was too picky and whatever other nonsense we tell women. I want a partner to go through life with. That person needs to be a lot more than just a nice guy who’s good on paper. I need to be able to trust him to take care of our shared lives when my mom is dying. To make medical decisions for me if I’m incapacitated. To be a wonderful father for our children if something happens to me. I need to be able to trust that he will do what he says he’s going to do when he’s going to do it, and not have the stress of second guessing everything my partner says. The guy OP is describing doesn’t sound like the kind of life partner I would want.

          1. This x 1,000,000

   14. Why would you stay in a relationship that feels unhealthy to you?

   15. Thank you for all the advice. I want to clarify that the lease/car/etc., are not actually issues for me. It is the anxiety about those things, and having the same conversation about X or Y for months or years on repeat. Nothing ever gets decided or improved, no matter how many nights or months or years of discussion.

       1. That would make.me.crazy

   16. The military trains man babies, it’s sort of their MO. They take in young men who go straight from mommy to the military, they never need to learn to feed themselves or make a schedule because it’s all done for them. There are a lot of very high ranking military members in my family and they are all useless.

       1. “The military trains man babies” is so true. Both my father and my husband’s father were career military and their wives were their maids. They felt they could do nothing around the house. I don’t think my dad ever bought himself an item of clothing, for instance. He had all kinds of opinions on how my mom ran the household but never lifted a finger to do anything himself. Once or twice a year he’d have to buy my mom a gift, he’d take us kids to pick it out, and then he’d literally hand his wallet to the cashier to pick out how he should pay for it (she had to root though it for the store-branded credit card my mom placed in there and kept up-to-date.)

          Now my nephew is in the military and on the same trajectory. It’s pathetic, honestly.

          1. It isn’t just the military. My husband and his family are like this but with long hair and bad posture.

       2. I would add that any mother who is taking care of all of her son’s needs when he joins the military (or goes to college or enters the 9th grade) is also to blame.

          1. Mother? Why aren’t their fathers also to blame?

             1. They are. I was just following the language of the post to which I was responding.

   17. If you don’t want to date someone, you should stop dating! You can be happy with someone else, and so can he. This guy probably feels annoying to you because you just are not into him enough, and that is fine.

       As an aside, his traits are not surprising to me at all. I think it’s hard to transition from a highly structured lifestyle to making all the decisions for your life.

   18. If it doesn’t spark joy…

       1. Ask yourself if you can do 20+ more years of this, getting gradually worse (just on the basis we get even more comfortable with age/ familiarity). Otherwise the question is not if you leave, but when.

          The reasons you have are enough.

          I will only add, as someone dropped out of the blue sky in what I thought was a years’ long “good – we have problems but are actively working on them but we love each other and things things are overall great” relationship, explaining that you are increasingly incompatible and allowing closure would be kind. I was dumped with a “it’s not you, it’s me,” and ghosted, and it was excruciating. In retrospect, it was right to end it, and I’m much happier, but the way he did it was so painful.

   19. You remind me of one of my friends who was/is in a similar situation. I actually had to double check some of the facts to make sure it wasn’t her.

       She’s been dating him on and off since her early 40s and is in her late 50s now. He’s a great guy. Everyone who meets him says he’s a great guy. She once had to go to the hospital, and he called in sick to work and sat with her all day long for her multiple-day stay. Wonderful guy.

       When they were first dating, he was in a roommate situation and ended up spending all their together time at her condo. Since he didn’t officially live there, she paid her full mortgage as usual. She then realized he’d stopped paying rent at the other place and had never mentioned it to her, and his roommates were bugging him to come get his stuff out of their place. So officially, he was sponging off her.

       She was at that age where she had to decide whether she was going to have kids or not, but this guy didn’t seem in a stable enough place to be a good dad, yet, so she kept waiting. The window passed. She then found out he was behind on child support payments for his kid from a prior relationship. She’d been buying the wicked ex story from him, but she finally met the ex and realized she’d been hearing a very edited, very one-sided version of the story.

       So this guy was basically 40+ years old and not a functioning adult. She broke up with him. But he’s a great guy! Everyone who meets him thinks so! She thinks so too, which is why she keeps slipping into getting back together with him. But nothing has changed. He is who he is, and it’s not compatible with an adult 50/50 relationship, which is what she really wants.

       In my opinion (and in hers, when she’s not back together with him) he’s wasted nearly 20 years of her time.

       Don’t be my friend.

3. Thank you! I just put this on my wishlist.

4. My personal favourite pairing is champagne & potato chips, first recommended by Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch.

   1. champagne and fried chicken is another delightful and classic combo :)

   2. In the fancy + potato chip pairing category, I also highly recommend caviar and potato chips.

      1. With champagne!

5. It is back-to-the-office time. I used to be a beyond FT employee, but with a special-needs kid and a chronic medical condition, I am putting in PT hours now (it varies by the day, but some days I will do barely nothing; other days, I work past midnight, robbing peter to pay paul until I figure out a better way). I’m senior enough that I get paid based on collected revenue (vs hours worked), and that nets out to a fair trade-off. Not everyone is aware of this, since a lot of what drives the struggle is invisible, and lately a lot of work isn’t done in the office. Still, what I am finding out, is that Sam and Lauren, two new hires, seem to think that because I seem to be working a slacker life, that this must be the general way that the office works (vs how things have worked out for one employee, who is maybe the least-compensated senior person but senior enough for me and the deciders of things to think that this is fair). Do I even mention it though? Sometimes I think not to introduce gender and parenthood into who gets what and why, but other times I think that had I never put in the time to build out a network of accounts, I’d never have a viable career with the headwinds I face now. I used to work for the head of one division and when he was unavailable, it was understood that something Important was tying him up vs that he was on some sort of mommy-track job.

   1. Mention it how? I mean, yeah, if people think you are full time and you aren’t actually working full time, it’s not surprising that new hires are going to think that’s how it works. If you’re their supervisor, I think you have to tell them what’s up.

   2. Wait so you’re getting away with doing what you want, but want to tattle on others working how they want? Wow.

   3. If you’re their boss, then yeah, you need to say something if their not doing what they’re supposed to be doing. I would not phrase it as “I’m senior and I get to work less and am compensated less” though. Don’t even bring yourself into the conversation. Just let them know what the expectations are and how they are or are not meeting them.

   4. Say something. It’s fair for new hires to look at what people more senior to them are doing and assume that’s the way things work. If they’re not getting an accurate picture, and it’s hurting them (or more importantly, hurting you or the business), correct them.

   5. Are you managing Sam and Lauren? If so, you need to set specific expectations for their work based on their roles and then provide feedback based on those expectations. (“To meet your billable hours requirement, you need to bill X hours per week/month on average. At your pace, you are averaging Y hours per week/month, and will not make your hours. Some people work after their kids are asleep, or come in on Saturdays. When I have a day with low billable hours, I will often compensate by working past midnight on other days. If the billable hour requirement is too high for you right now, our part time program is yada yada yada”)

      If you are not managing them, then I don’t really know why you feel the need to tell them to stop slacking while you keep slacking*. Let their managers handle it.

      *This is not judgment. I am also slacking!

      1. OPit does not sound like you are slacking to me. It sounds like you are doing what you can to survive and get the work done despite the hefty amount of work your personal life situation demands.
         Keep up your good work and ignore people who say things like “you’re slacking”.

6. For those who’ve had boosters, it is more like shot #1 (NBD for me, Moderna) or shot #2 (comfort care definitely needed; resolved w/in 24 hours)?

   1. Like every other Covid shot, it depends

   2. For me it was exactly like #2, I had the same symptoms and same duration. It knocked me out for a day and I wish I had done it on a weekend.

      1. #2 here too. but instead of hydrating i had a martini and wine the day of so YMMV. (but: hydrate.)

      2. Noted: scheduling mine for a Friday

      3. Same, although I did mine on a weekend. I got mine Saturday evening and was so, so glad I had all day on Sunday to recover. I was fine to work on Monday morning. I had the Pfizer, all three shots.

      4. I took the advice to do the flu/covid booster together and I’m not sure if it was the combo or just another strong reaction but I was fully out of commision for 24-48 hours. I did them Friday AM, took the afternoon off, and didn’t feel back to normal till late on Sunday. Fwiw, everything I’ve heard from friends/colleagues seems to indicate that women in their childbearing years have stronger reactions than the rest of the population. My husband had his the same day and was a little tired but fine by Saturday midday.

   3. Moderna – all three were bad for 24 hours or so. At least by the third I was prepared and dosed with tylenol beforehand and regularly during that time, so it wasn’t as tough.

   4. Mine (Pfizer) was definitely more like shot 1 (sore arm, maybe a little tired) but I’ve had two Moderna coworkers with shot 2 reactions. All women in our 30s.

   5. I had no symptoms at all with the booster except a slightly sore arm. Triple Pfizer, FWIW.

   6. Not the answer you’re looking for, but I think there is no way to know. Reactions have been varied across my friend group/family, but I would say for *most people* I know it was worse than #1 but not quite as bad as #2. My experience however was pretty unique – I felt the fever coming on (similar to how I felt with #2) coupled with extreme dizziness, which was new for me. I ended up fainting the next morning at my house, and am still dealing with some minor health problems from the fall. In hindsight, I wish I had taken the booster more seriously and not assumed I wouldn’t have any new symptoms that I hadn’t experienced with #1 or #2. I would err on the side of caution if you can build recovery time into your schedule.

   7. Mine was similar to #2, but neither was that bad- a little queasy, headache. I have chronic migraine so this was just a slightly worse version of my normal but within the range of how I feel on my worse days (I still worked as usual).

   8. I’m a Pfizer and my booster was more like shot 1. My husband is a Moderna and he was down for four days after the booster.

   9. I got Moderna Booster (same as the original vaccine) and flu at the same time. I had body aches and tiredness for about 30 hours.

      1. Same – I get WHY doctors are giving people both at once but I will never do that again if I have the choice.

         1. I’m here to provide another view…. Had moderne booster & flu at same time & was fine. No issues with prior moderne shots. It all seems a bit random so hope for the best & plan for the worst.

   10. Very much like shot #2 (Pfizer for me) – knocked me out for a solid day and I had a splitting headache. Thankfully I got it on a Friday and my MIL was around so she helped DH with the kids while I rested. Same thing happened with DH’s booster as well last weekend.

   11. Just got boosted yesterday, all moderna. Minor soreness at injection site for 1/3. Minor soreness plus exhaustion for a day and a half on 2.

   12. Mine was like #2 but slightly worse. I have an outsize reaction to both, don’t know why. Sorry.

       1. PS I am team Pfizer

   13. I don’t remember having much problems with 1 or 2, but the booster gave me an incredibly sore arm, and I was feeling really crummy about 12 hours later. This coincided with a nighttime baby wake-up, otherwise I might have slept through the worst of the symptoms. I got the booster around 11:30 am, and felt fine again when I woke up the next morning.

   14. My Pfizer booster (8 months after shot #2) was NBD. I just had a headache for several days, but I wasn’t at all knocked out like I was after shot 2. I took some advil for the headache and went about my life as normal. After shot 2 I felt like I had taken sleeping pills during the day (just for a day though) and I had a fever.

   15. Triple Pfizer. Minimal symptoms for the 1st dose, majorly miserable symptoms (including a super high fever) for #2 that knocked me out for almost 3 days, and somewhat miserable symptoms for #3. No fever, but significant body aches and chills and a generally awful feeling for about 36 hours. I also developed a cough with #2 and #3, which happened to others with the same chronic illness I have.

   16. I felt miserable for 3 days after both shots 1&2 (Pfizer) and had no reaction to the booster. I understand the booster is only a half dose, so I think that made a difference.

       1. Only Moderna is a half dose. Pfizer booster is same dose. Moderna was higher dose than Pfizer to begin with, so the booster adjustment makes them more comparable.

   17. I had J&J initially and a Moderna booster. My only post-Moderna booster side effect was a sore arm.

       1. Ditto except barely a sore arm. I really thought i was in for it since it was my first MRNA, but didn’t feel any different really. I think there’s just no way to predict.

   18. More like #2 for me. My second Pfizer left me feeling crappy for a day or two. My Moderna booster this weekend knocked me out for a day, but I was absolutely fine the next day.

   19. First shot was sore arm and minor fatigue. Second was sore arm. Third was nothing. Sample size of 1 over here, it got progressively easier.
       Pfizer for all

       1. Same here. Triple Moderna.

   20. Triple Pfizer. NBD for shot one. Shot two progressed from a bad flu (102 fever) to a bad hangover to a mild hangover to back to the living within 24 hours. Shot three was a mild hangover about 15 hours after the shot. To be clear, no alcohol consumed just best way to describe the malaise is the I’m in my 30s and two glasses of wine make me feel terrible next day hangover.

   21. Kind of a mix, but overall better than #2. I has swollen lymph nodes after #1, moderate-to-severe fatigue, headache and dizziness after shot #2 and swollen lymph nodes with mild fatigue and headache after shot #3. All were Moderna. I hydrated well before #2 and #3.

       Husband had Moderna x2 and then Pfizer booster and had no side effects from the booster (but similar side effects to me with Moderna #2).

   22. All different. All Moderna. My friend group was similar in that reactions were never identical – some jabbed along ticket lines and some mixed and matched.

       #1 NBD just sore arm
       #2 24 hours of feeling like death
       #3 sore arm plus thyroid swelling and the seemingly rare and not tracked early pregnancy symptoms (sore and swollen b00bs)

   23. #1: Felt a little tired, but NBD.
       #2: Ran a 100-degree fever and stayed in bed for 48 hours. Severe body aches and chills; felt terrrrrible.
       #3: Took to my bed for 24 hours. Body aches and zero energy.

   24. I had Pfizer. I had no reaction to shot #1, a strong reaction to shot #2 (chilled, in bed but resolved within 24 hours, swollen lymph node for a few days), and an almost-as-strong reaction to the booster. I also had a similar reaction to the Shingrix shot, so that’s just how my body reacts to things. My spouse and young adult children all had Pfizer (#1, #2, booster) and none of them had any reaction beyond slightly sore arm. Of course, I’d do it all over again if need be – better than Covid.

   25. I just had my third Moderna Friday night. It was definitely more like shot number 2. I was sore/achy and tired. That’s why I did is on a Friday night after thanksgiving.

7. I am not familiar with this book, but I know of a similar one that I love. It is called What to Eat with What You Drink. It is basically an index of recommended pairings for food and then another index of recommended pairings for wine. I use it ALL the time. It is a wonderful reference that isn’t bogged down with too many descriptions. You can find the info you need FAST. I recommend getting the Kindle version of the book so that you can quickly search it… especially when you don’t have the book with you at home.

8. For people who don’t want to use Amazon – Barnes and Noble has this in stock. I also called my local bookstore but they said they may or may not have it in by Christmas. A clear example of how much harder it must be for local bookstores. I knew that there would be some difference but I have to admit it makes it hard to support a smaller bookstore when there are such delays due to supply chain issues. I placed a hold on this book but if it doesnt come in 2-3 weeks I’ll probably cancel (or get credit back) and go get it from Barnes and Noble.

   It’s a tough spot for everyone. Of course the bookstore wants to be competitive, especially around the holiday time, but based on what the person I spoke to there said they don’t have the economies of scale. I would prefer to support local bookstores but they 1) need to have the book and 2) need to have it at a reasonable price, not 2-3x Amazon as I’ve seen for some books.

   1. And you could work on adjusting your expectations and not assume that everything you want will be available to you the moment that you want it.

      1. Does it make you feel good to be snarky on a completely innocuous post?

      2. 3 weeks from now is “the moment I want it”?

         This book isn’t coming from another country, it isn’t horribly rare – its at a distributor somewhere in this country.

         I could walk into either store right now and in one I could get it and in the other not. They’re about the same price. I’m as bleeding heart as they come, but it is not reasonable to think that a business can run on altruism.
         I like that book store, I don’t mind buying things from there even if they’re more expensive and I don’t mind waiting a bit for them to order books – I think its sweet that they do and that they try and help.

         But, I just checked another larger-but-still-local bookstore and they also have it. So I have 2 options, one chain and one not, to get the book whenever I go to the store, and the smaller bookstore has a wait of a month (bookstore owner indicated it could really be 3-6 weeks).

      3. Diana is shopping in November for a Christmas present. November.

         1. Ummm, what is the matter with that? It’s about 3 weeks away in case you don’t have a calendar handy. And Hanukkah is right now.

            1. I read this as Anon defending Diane.

            2. Wow you are one nasty person.
               Diana specially said Christmas, which is always 25 days into December. I don’t think she’s being needy by wanting to buy from a place that can get something in within 26 days, which is almost four weeks.

            3. How am I being nasty? I’m defending Diana, I don’t see any issue with shopping for Christmas in November and said as much? I don’t understand the person who thinks this is a problem.

         2. What’s wrong with that? I know people start earlier, but if you’re buying in person (not planning on ordering) November or even early December seems fine.

         3. For those who misunderstood my comment at 3:51 PM: Diane is shopping in November and may not be able to get the present in time for Christmas, which is almost four weeks away. Ergo, the nastiness at 3:32 is completely unfounded. Obviously, she isn’t waiting until the last minute, so it’s completely insane to attack her “expectations” of wanting things “when she wants them.”

         4. Well, of course shopping in November for a Christmas present makes sense. I myself was all done by Thanksgiving — my sister and I exchange ideas for our families in September/October and are generally done in November, which allows plenty of time if there are unexpected delays or shortages Who wants to be the moron walking around a mall on December 23, as if Christmas just popped up out of nowhere? How on earth are you snarking at shopping in November for Christmas?

   2. My solution to this is to print a picture of the book cover to be “opened” and then the gift becomes a fun post-holiday “surprise.” I refuse to ding my local bookstore for being a local bookstore.

      1. You’re a better person than I am. If I have to choose between purchasing at B&N, OR not having the book in time for the holiday, thus necessitating another errand to get said book to my loved one? It’s not happening. I feel for the small bookstore and will even pay a bit more if I have to, but I’m only willing to go so far.

      2. This convo has inspired me to look into it more – and several other local bookstores do have it or if not can get it within a week so. I live in a major city. So its not just “being a local bookstore”, its something else.
         Yes I want to shop local. But I don’t have any loyalty to that one bookstore. These other bookstores are also local, and they have my product in a timely manner.

   3. I don’t know about this book in particular, but I’ve had good experiences buying from bookshop.org, which is an online site for a large number of small, independent bookstores. Things arrive quickly – well, they did before the worst of the suppy chain issues – and my tiny local bookstore, which has had to close its brick-and-mortar operation for now, gets some of the money. Bezos gets none.

      1. Does Bookshop give all of the money to a local bookstore of your choice? Or is it something like it distributes all the profits among all the member bookstores? I’ve never understood that, and would prefer that the money goes directly to a bookstore.

         1. I haven’t looked at this closely, but I designate my local bookstore as the one I am buying from when I go to that site, so my assumption is that it gets the money, not the entire group of shops. My local bookstore’s website refers buyers to the bookshop.org site to place orders.

   4. Check out bookshop.org
      You can buy there from many local bookstores. Someone probably has it in stock.

   5. It looks like you got plenty of help with #1, so I thought I’d chime in on #2.

      Shopping locally is very, very important to me. The increased prices have been easier to swallow after I reframed it for myself to be that Amazon is not selling books (or many other items) for a reasonable price. I consider a reasonable price to be one that ensures the goods I’m getting are not counterfeit and that the people making the goods and working for the purveyor are making a living wage. It’s also reasonable to me to want to put money back into my community. It’s not a perfect paradigm, of course, but it has helped me to think about what my dollars are actually paying for.

      And your post inspired me to go ahead and order some holiday gifts from my own favorite book store!

9. All the Peloton love this morning has me questioning if I need one — what’s the difference with Bike+? Can you do other spinning workouts using the Peloton bike (like Les Mills) or does it only work with Peloton workouts? Any deals on the app today?

   1. Bike plus screen can pivot and the system can auto follow the resistance cues. I didn’t think it was worth the extra money.

      You can technically jailbreak the app to watch Netflix, so you may be able to access other spin workouts, but I’m not sure.

10. Regarding the discussion of books, I like to buy used books. I tend to buy them through Amazon because they list many sellers with different books at different prices and in different conditions. I think these sellers are like buying from an independent bookstore, but does anyone know whether there’s a better way to do this?

    1. Abebooks?

       1. Amazon acquired Abebooks in 2008.

    2. I like Thriftbooks.

    3. I use abebooks.com or throftbooks.com but have noticed recently charges by Amazon on my CC, so clearly need to pay more attention to which bookstores I am buying from. It seems like I am fighting a losing battle . . .

       1. Oops thriftbooks.com

       2. Amazon owns Abe books.

          1. And does not own thriftbooks or bookshop :). Those are still legit indie.

    4. I like Thriftbooks. No clue if it’s also owned by some giant conglomerate, I’ve just had really good luck finding what I want at very good prices. I think they’re actually resellers for some large Goodwills and the like.

    5. One thing you can do is pay attention to the Amazon seller names, and then just go to their own webpage if you see a seller that you use often or who has the things you want. Most of the big used book sellers on Amazon have their own pages as well. In the UK, that’s places like WorldofBooks. I don’t think you can do that with the smallest sellers, though. I have sometimes bought used books from Church bazaars and weird little local shops through AmazonUK. These packages come wrapped in brown paper with actual stamps – no Amaz warehouse involved. The downside may be longer shipping or more expensive if you do prime otherwise, but it’s very nice to eventually get small packages in reused materials with cheap postage. Feels much more like 84 Charing Cross Road, if there’s any fellow fans of that one.

       1. That’s a book I don’t need to buy used, it’s sitting here on my shelf!

    6. Powells Books is great for this.

    7. Better World Books!

    8. Alibris possibly?

11. There was a thread this morning about gifts between long-time married couples. My DH and I basically stopped doing gifts for anything official years ago. Sure, sometimes one of us gets inspired and does something for the other, but neither of us are “gift” people. All our money is in a single pot, we’re both quite particular about what we like, and we generally dislike clutter. For my birthday this year, husband took me on a shopping spree to upgrade my workout clothes, with a rough timeframe to buy everything within a month or so to make it “for” my birthday. It was an excellent gift because I would never spend that kind of money on leggings for myself, but they feel and look so much better than my worn-out clothes. The “gift” was “permission” to spend $$$ on gym clothes. One year I gave a him a large gift card to buy nice sunglasses because he always felt weird for wanting nicer sunglasses. In both cases, it was basically the other person acknowledging that you can want nice things and we can afford to have them, so enjoy it!

    We don’t expect gifts for holidays/birthday anymore, we much prefer to go to dinner or an experience, and sometimes we surprise each other randomly with splurge-y experiences. It’s nice because we don’t feel tied to a specific date if something fun and out-of-the-norm comes up. We can just say, “Saw this, thought of you, so I got it for you/us!”

    Our love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service, gifts are dead last on the list for each of us. We had a conversation and determined that we should just de-prioritize it because it was stressful and neither of us liked it. Honestly, after 15 years of marriage, DH much prefers a very focused gardening session that prioritizes his needs over any other types of gifts anyways, so a card + ling3ri3 laid out is an excellent way to make him feel special.

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