Holiday Weekend Open Thread

98 Comments

1. Went to look at the featured shirt but bought this matching skirt and top set instead: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vince-camuto-graphic-boxes-scuba-knit-crewneck-top-regular-petite-nordstrom-exclusive/4043193?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=1739
   Unlike Kat, I may have a stripes problem and need to resist. ;-)

   1. I love the pattern! But is a scuba knit essentially wetsuit material? Or is it something else? Is it hot under a blazer?

      1. It’s like a thicker ponte.

   2. My name is N.C. anon, and I too have a stripes problem.

      I recently rotated back in my striped handbag from Target, which always draws comments when I wear another striped article of clothing.

      I regret nothing.

2. Teach me sensitivity, please. What’s the appropriate response when you are married with a child and your single friend whom you love dearly tells you that she is sad that she is single.

   I want to tell her I sympathize that she doesn’t have what she wants, but I don’t want to sound like I pity her. She’s a wonderful and interesting person whom I highly respect.

   1. You’re a good friend for considering this. I think this article has a pretty good overview of how to be present and demonstrate that you recognize and accept your friend’s feelings: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance

   2. Sara Eckel just had a good piece about this:
      https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2015/09/02/when-i-was-single-smug-married-people-drove-me-nuts-then-i-became-one/

      Just listen to her. Empathize if you can – not having something that you wanted/is important to you is painful, as I’m sure you know – and ask questions. If she’s expressing her sadness to you, now is probably not the time to tell her that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. You can be sorry to hear about her sadness, or sorry that she feels that way, without pitying her (I think).

      1. Especially when the upsides presented are minor, like eating cereal for dinner or hogging the remote.

   3. Pour her a glass of wine and ask your husband if he has any great single friends.

      1. +1000

   4. Good advice here. Another suggestion is to use the comment as an opportunity to suggest a girls night together. It could be a nice way to support your friend and make her feel less alone.

   5. I am the sad single person. There isn’t really a good response IMO. Nothing you can say will make her less sad about it. However, I have found that the least infuriating thing to hear is, “I care about you and I don’t like it when you are sad. Is there something we can do together that would cheer you up?”

   6. Acknowledge that is must be really difficult and try to go out with her if possible. Dinner, drinks, movies, etc. Don’t tell her how hard it is to be a wife and working mom.

3. I’m single too–so take this with a grain of salt: I would point out the positives in her life. Tell her to appreciate the life she has now, and to keep dating, meeting people so that eventually she meets someone. I don’t know if this can come across as patronizing or lacking in empathy for some people but it’s what I try to do for myself.

   1. Gah, I’m single and I do not always love it when people do this to me. I mean, its ok sometimes, but it gets old. It feels patronizing and also feels like people are invalidating my feelings- like I can’t/ shouldn’t be unhappy that I’m single. It’s one thing when I try to focus on this myself, its another thing when someone else does it for me. Like, oh, wow, keep dating, I didn’t think of that.

      I think single women have gotten so used to frantically repeating the party line of “I mean I know I have great friends and great family and a great job!!!!!!” when we’re really just trying to express a normal desire for an emotionally intimate romantic relationship.

      Here’s my advice- when you respond to her with empathy, watch to see how she reacts. If it seems like she just wants a listening ear to express her sadness/ desire for a relationship, don’t try to distract her by telling her her life is great. If she seems like she’s cheering up and getting pumped up when you remind her life is sweet, keep on with that.

      1. This.

         1. Single too. Here’s my answer: ask HER what helps, and listen to the answer.
            Like the above few commenters, I hate hate hate it when people try to go all silver lining on me. If I’m sad/miserable/struggling, none of that helps, and it makes me want to get away from that person for the next few months. But, the commenter who says she is single likes it. So, that is an excellent example of: don’t project what works for you onto someone else. Find out.
            My personal favorite ‘safe’ answers: that sucks. can i help? if so, how?
            and offering to do something fun together. not ‘talking it out’ to focus on the unhappy things. enjoying a few moments in life. can usually not go wrong with takeout food.

      2. THIS. I have an awesome life as a single person, but it is entirely normal to want to have an emotionally and physically intimate relationship in my life.

4. Question for the hive that I’ve been contemplating: my husband and I like to go out, especially on Friday and Saturday nights. We love to go to a nice restaurant, have a few glasses of wine, and a nice chat about the week. However, we are both fairly light eaters – I will often have only a salad, and he will often have an appetizer or soup as his main course. We typically go to nicer places, and I can often tell that our servers are irritated that we’re not spending much money (although we do usually have 2 glasses of wine each). Part of me has sympathy for them – I used to waitress and I know that a “cheap” table, especially on a Friday or Saturday night, is frustrating because you’re counting on higher tips those nights, and we’re basically taking up space that could be generating a higher tip. Should I be leaving a higher tip, percentage-wise, to make up for our light dining? Or just stick with a standard 15-20%?

   1. Interesting, and not sure what the answer is, but on the other side my partner and I often do a similar thing, but flipped. We usually order food (usually a starter to split and two entrees, no dessert), but no wine or drinks. I would imagine our bills could actually be similar to yours. Would that influence your thinking at all? Am I similarly under tipping?

      1. I am also an ex-waitress.. the difference is that people having food and no alcohol usually turn over pretty quickly. How long does it take to eat a starter and a main? 2 hours max? People who linger over a few glasses of wine, nibble at a starter, have another glass of wine.. they can occupy a table all night.

   2. I wish I could edit or delete – I actually realized while I was typing and submitting this that I had basically answered by own question. I’m not really obligated to leave the higher tip but I know the wait staff would really appreciate it, and it would ease my conscience, so I should just leave the higher tip. When I was waitressing, I always swore I would be a generous tipper when I was fiscally able to do so, so I should stop overthinking and just do what I think is right for me! :)

      1. Yeah, don’t overthink it.

         My husband and I frequently split entrees and generally up the tip accordingly.

         I will say that from my waitressing days, my LEAST favorite customers (even worse than the children who dumped glasses of milk on the tables and parents who didn’t even pretend to apologize or clean it up) were the customers who would order a single glass of white wine each and sit around chatting until welllll after closing time, keeping me there for a fifty cent tip. As long as you’re not that person, you’re fine.

   3. Personally I would either sit at the bar, or go to more of a small plates type restaurant – but otherwise yes I’d tip more generously to make up for not getting an entree.

   4. Yes absolutely. Together you’re eating a salad and an app. That’s well outside the customary norm. If you don’t want to tip more sit at the bar.

      1. Well, a salad, an app and $60-70 worth of wine. But yes, I think I agree with the general consensus that it is nice to leave an inflated tip in this situation.

         1. Wow. You pay twice as much per glass of wine as I would pay for a bottle. I think if you tip 20% on the wine you’re in a good place. If you tip $1 per glass you are not tipping enough.

   5. My husband travels a lot for work – enough so that I frequently end up out for dinner alone. I order similarly (couple glass of wine, but just an appetizer or salad for food). My rule of thumb is that if a server is visibly frustrated that I’m not spending what they deem sufficient money, I tip around 15%. but when I get a server who acts happy to serve me regardless of what I’m ordering, I definitely tip more (like 25%) in appreciation.

      1. Yeah, this is actually one of the most frustrating parts – even when I leave a good tip, usually the server has been pretty crummy for the entire meal because they assume they won’t be getting much of a tip. It’s frustrating to not get any benefit for leaving a good tip except for them to come over and coo “Ohhh take all the time you need,” after they’ve seen the tip on the check. And it feels SO tacky to say “Don’t worry, we’ll still tip you well!” as we’re ordering.

         1. I’m the eating alone poster – Generally, if I have a crummy service experience multiple times like you describe, I stop going to that restaurant. If one server does it, it’s a server on an off night. but if multiple server in the same place treat me less well, the restaurant itself is a problem. I now have a rotation of about 4 places I love, there they know me at least by sight if not by name, and they take fabulous care of me when they see me come in alone.

         2. Stick to a couple of restaurants where you can become a regular known to tip generously despite a small-value meal ticket.

   6. I would tip higher, maybe up to 33%, bit not higher than that.

      Try going out early or later, e.g., before 6:30 or after 8:30 so the server can have another cover during the busy time.

      Don’t linger like you are eating three courses. Let your table turn over for other customers. An exception is if your server already has an empty top in her section.

   7. I don’t think you need to leave more money by virtue of the fact that you eat light. By that logic a person who does not drink also should leave more money. That said, you should leave a good tip–20%, never less–if you are really worried. I don’t think 15% is considered ok anymore.

   8. Order an expensive bottle of wine if you’re not cheap!! That’ll solve most of the problem and will signal from the get go that you’re not cheap even if you order less food. I think you should aim to leave whatever the average tip is on a two person table at this restaurant if you’re sitting for a while on a busy night, and if you sit longer than average, the tip should go up. Also, I think you should also consider switching where you go. There are lots of places like Pain Quotidien where you can get wine and lite fare. I would feel awkward for sure if I were you. I’d feel less awkward saying “we’ll tip above the check amount – we’re just not that hungry” than I wold sitting there ordering very little on a busy night. Servers make most of their weekly money on Fridays and Saturdays. You’re really doing them a disservice. It’s more than “oh they’d appreciate a nice tip” BC you’re preventing them from making money to support themselves and maybe others.

      1. If she is spending upwards of $60 on just the wine that seems okay, unless it is really a pricey place in which case a different restaurant/bar may be better choice.
         Server incomes/expectations are all over the map. I worked as one through school in several places. I represented them as a lawyer/union rep in New York. There are servers making $3/hour plus tips at places without alcohol and sharing the tips with the rest of back kitchen staff (bad). There are also servers making six figure salaries, working only a few nights a week, at least in New York. They are more than fine. Some are entitled and fussy.Some work much less than professionals and enjoy the ‘creative’ life. Others work their butts off tired and for not enough income/benefits to live comfortably. No conclusions from this but just sharing so there is not a total assumption that all servers at fancy restaurants somehow needs or are entitled to $40 tips for every table (have you done that math, plus hourly wages? You can pull well over a thousand per shift- let’s say a 5 table section gets seated 4 times during the shift, average $40 tip plus wages= $1000). Usually honestly it’s the dishwashers and buspeople that are stuck in the low wage cycle. Slip them a few bucks if you can:)

         1. Do you really think more than 1% of the country’s wait staff is pulling $1,000 on Friday and Saturday night? That’s crazy. Even if some get that much from tables at expensive places, they “tip out” the buss boys, hostess, even dishwashers sometimes. You don’t get that amount a night w/out a team to split the money with. I think a good number of the nations’ wait staff and bartenders inning cities might get $300-$400 a Friday or Saturday night. Try to live on that in a large city with no benefits. No, I don’t think any of them are so rich I can avoid tipping well for taking up their time and a table on a busy night.

      2. I think this is taking it a bit far. I think probably it is advisable that the OP bump the tip up a little bit – like someone suggested above, maybe to 30ish percent – but it seems a little extreme to say that she shouldn’t go to a restaurant she wants to go to because the server might be able to make more money with a different table. If someone is dining alone, they are also taking up a table that could potentially be making more money for the sever, but I would never suggest that they not eat at a restaurant of their choice.

      3. We went out last night and I had all this feedback in mind while looking at the menu. We got a bottle of wine, and three appetizers to share between the two of us. Our bill came out to around $90, on which I left a $20 tip. (Which is about what I would normally leave.) Looking at the entree prices, it looked like most of the entrees there were around $40, so I’m guessing a two person meal with some “extras” (like drinks or dessert) would probably run to around $120 on average, so a 20% tip would be $24. So, I felt much better about my tipping habits – I like your suggestion to compare to an average two person meal, although I would interpret that to be a very “middle of the road” meal, not app+entree+dessert+2 glasses of wine, even though I know that there are certainly some people for whom that is normal.

         Also, it turned out that at least last night, the whole discussion was moot anyway because the restaurant was only about 2/3 full the entire time we were eating – we certainly weren’t preventing them from seating another spendier table.

   9. Is it possible to go out to a nice restaurant on a Wednesday and have a nice romantic evening cooking at home on Saturday?

      1. You shouldn’t have to do that though, you should be able to enjoy a restaurant any night you want to. OP, I think it’s awesome that you’re trying to be as gracious and generous as possible with your servers! It sounds like you’ve found a solution, but it’s nice to see someone being conscientious about others.

   10. I never cared if people didn’t order a lot. The issue is when they stay at the table all night.

5. Tailoring question. I have a wool pencil skirt with a zipper that I like, but the rise is really high on me, which looks terrible because I am short waisted. Has anyone successfully been able to have a tailor hem the skirt, including cutting down the zipper? The rest of the skirt fits perfectly, and if I go up a size to have it sit lower on the waist, then it will not curve in the right places.

   1. That sounds like something pretty tricky to tailor: You would need the waistband removed, the top of the skirt cut down, and then the waistband reattached. But the waistband likely won’t fit at that point, because the shaping of the skirt will make that point a larger diameter than the waistband. If you have a tailor you trust, you could bring it in for a consult, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

      Can you wear the skirt with untucked tops? Or does the high waist make it uncomfortable?

      1. Yeah, I was thinking it would be a tough one.

         I could wear untucked tops–it is what I do with a few skirts now–but I do find the high waist uncomfortable. Plus, if I am getting a nice suit, I’d love the option to tuck it in.

         1. Get the bigger size and have it narrowed all the way down.

6. Nightie shopping help, please!

   For health reasons, I can’t wear bottoms to bed. A few years ago, I started feeling “too old” to wear t-shirts to bed so I graduated to nighties. I have some cute ones that are now wearing out and need replacement

   I can’t find anything that isn’t s3x kitten or dowdy grandmother. Help!

   I like soft fabric without decorations and sturdy straps. Sleeveless is preferable to sleeves.

   1. I LOVE nightgowns – pajama pants are unflattering on my pear shape, and I get hot when I sleep so I’d have to remove them anyway. Target actually has some cute modal nighties – some are banded like a shelf bra under the bust (I love these!) and other are loose. All are with narrow or camisole straps, at a length that I find cute but not overly short. they are cheap enough that when the modal starts to pill, they can affordably be replaced.

      1. Josie at Nordstrom (Natoti’s cheaper brand) – sometimes their nightgowns have great bras which is when I buy them up. Also Kohls brand Apartment 9 and Simply Vera Wang chemise and nightgowns.

         1. Oops meant to reply to OP.

   2. Soma.

      1. +1 to Soma. they have some cute ones that are on sale this weekend that are made out of this super soft/cool fabric that I love. They also do cute oversized style shirts in the same fabric. their stuff isn’t racy but definitely doesn’t qualify as grandma.

   3. Eberjey. Seriously. They are the best, as long as you fit in their pretty small size range. So soft, flattering without being overtly s3xy…totally worth it.

      1. Oh no, now I am sucked in and may not be able to hold strong on my shopping ban!

   4. Carole Hochman. They’re jersey with a satiny panel on the back so you slip around in the bed and don’t stick :) They’re so comfortable I go through phases where I won’t wear anything else. I find them every now and again at TJ Maxx, but they’re always at department stores.

   5. Garnet Hill, esp. Eileen Fisher.

   6. Look for Calvin Klein chemises. Many are made out of modal and I love them. Cool and comfortable, attractive without being frou-frou. I wash them with my delicates and hang dry, and they seem to be lasting forever.

7. The jammies mother nature gave you!

   1. These are my faves too.

      1. Friends of mine used to always sleep nude then a tornado hit their house and knocked it off its foundation. They escaped from the house but… never to sleep nude again.

8. I feel sort of silly. My paycheck was higher than it normally is this month, so I spent a good 20 minutes trying to figure out what happened. I assumed first that this was one of those paychecks that doesn’t include benefits (we’re on a 26 payperiod cycle), then that someone messed with my retirement contribution, and then was on the phone with HR and with our paycheck company ….

   turns out that this year (i got a promotion and a much larger bonus than in years past as part of the new package) I make more in salary than you can be taxed on for social security so for the rest of the year I essentially get a “social security tax break” (“break” is all relative…). I didn’t even know this was a thing! It’s like Christmas in September?

   and then i diverted the savings to my daughter’s college fund, because I am a responsible adult. ::sigh::

   1. Haha. I’ll humble brag you right back. This happens every year and I get my social security break way earlier than September! Alas I too have many adult things the money has to go to.

   2. I love the social security tax break! I used to spend it on contractors to maintain/remodel my house. This year, it will likely be spent on my supplemental property tax bill. Boring!

   3. Lol, what about this is not a humble brag?

      1. The part where it’s not humble.

      2. I guess in that I posted beause I was feeling pretty silly harassing HR about monkeying with my 401k…thought others on this site might find it entertaining.

         –someone that busted her @ss since undergrad to get to this level 10 years out (non law)

         1. No ones saying you didn’t bust your ass. But I don’t go to cocktail parties and start telling people what I make or how rich I am, not sure why you would here either. But gold star for you for being so rich and not even realizing it

            1. Oh geez, this is a bit harsh. We talk about what we make and tax consequences and investment strategies for rich people all the time on this blog.

            2. This whole thread is pretty harsh. Congratulations on a (nice) spacey moment. I’m always freaked out the opposite will happen. Yay to women doing well!

         2. because i learn from them! I would totally be the person trying to figure out what happened.

            I didn’t realize that happened…can I ask when that break happens? (Like, what income level do you have to have?)

            1. This is the first I’ve heard of it. I guess I would get my break later in the year but it should happen… I’m guessing once you make >$90K for the year or whatever the cutoff is.

   4. Yay! So nice to hear a positive win for the working ladies! I want it too. Cool.

   5. If you didn’t increase your withholding due to raise/bonus, and if it puts you in a higher bracket, you may need to set aside some money for taxes. Just saying.

      1. We gpt a huge refund last year and have a billion and a half deductions this year (new house), and another kid. We should be close but not way off, says the accountant. But a great heads up.

9. Good job!

   Merry Xmas!

   Now I give you permission go buy one nice thing at the Nordstrom’s sale for yourself if you want to….

10. Foundation garment advice needed

    I am tall and entry-level plus sized. I have a less than firm mid section. I usually wear skirt separates to work, and in the warmer months wear a spanx type garment under the skirt to prevent chub rub (thigh chafing.)

    I just bought a couple of pretty sheath style dresses but I now realize that my spanx type garment is creating a pretty visible indentation in my middle that interferes with the drape of the dresses – even though they are mid-weight ponte and not tight on my midsection, the waistband line of my spankypants is clearly visible – again, because I’m a bit “fluffy” in the middle.

    What undergarment would you suggest wearing in this situation? I’ve tried the high waisted spanx but because I’m tall (I guess) they just roll right down from my bra line, which is incredibly annoying to deal with all day.

    1. I bought a spans type thing that had straps, but not a bra, so on the front, it went up to my bra and sort of blended in with it. It helped with it not rolling down from the top. However it didn’t have legs, but a skirt, which ended up rolling up!! So I need to find the top of this type and the bottom with legs, which would solve the problem. Not sure if such a thing exists or not, but I’m on the lookout.

    2. There are so many different shapewear options. Go to a nice department store and try on what they have.

       1. If you want to hold in your middle, I like the TC tank tops. You might try them layered over jockey skimmers like S suggests.

    3. Go for less firm and make sure the size isn’t to small. Jockey skimmers are perfect for this. No constricting while providing a barrier.

    4. I’m not plus size, but even when I was pretty thin, Spanx still gave me a muffin top, even if I bought them too big. I wear regular, non-control top pantyhose or tights, sometimes with the waistband cut off. That works the best – it smooths everything out a little without squeezing everything up and into a muffin top. Otherwise, maybe try the Spanx camisole or a leotard-like garment that doesn’t stop at the waist.

11. Where is Ellen? I hope she’s got proper birth control as guys really will not care after they’ve done the dirty deed with her!

    1. Are the trolls trolling each other? Is this peak troll?

12. Hi Ladies!

    Great news- I just got a position in Boston! I’ll be moving from the Great White North down to MA in several months.

    I’ve just started looking for a place. I’m working at MEEI so I’m hoping to find a condo or apartment that is walking distance to the hospital. I’ve looked at Zwillow, etc, and there doesn’t seem to be a lot.. is a broker the way to go? Does anyone have recommendations for a rental broker? Should I expand my search to other neighbourhoods? I’m a singleton and work long hours so proximity to work is key for me, but I also hope to enjoy the city. I’ve heard its an amazing place to live! Obviously want to live in a safe and convenient neighbourhood, but when I came for the my interview the hospital seemed to be in a very established area (perhaps too established for my budget! hah!) I’m happy to live in a tiny studio (I live alone and don’t spend much time at home). My ideal would be to pay under 2k a month, but I could do 2500 or so. Is this too low to find a decent place in that area?

    Appreciate any tips anyone can give!

    1. You need a broker. Nearly all Boston leases run 9/1 to 9/1. Since you’re off cycle inventory will be really low.

    2. My friend used stephanie peters from goldfinch realty and really liked her, and got a great place in Cambridge.

       Have you checked craigslist? I’m seeing a good amount in that area – do you have other requirements you are looking for? I think you can get a place under 2500 as long as your must have list isn’t big.

       http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/fee/5183604576.html

       http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/nfb/5172337427.html

       http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/fee/5181176622.html

       http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/abo/5208227590.html

       Hoping to make a similar move myself this year, just waiting on the getting a job part. Good luck!

       1. Thanks cc! I came back to look at your moderated response and these all actually look awesome. I hadn’t checked craigslist and I am surprised by how many places in my budget are on there! Thank you for the links!!

          1. Craiglist is pretty big for apartment hunting in Boston, but its still good to have a broker help you navigate the waters. Glad you liked them- I picked ones I would like :) Good luck!

    3. Oh i must be in moderation cuz I included links. stephanie peters from goldfinch realty (and goldfinch in general) was highly recommended to me

    4. Awesome! Thanks for the advice.. I will look into a broker and will try those suggestions! I really appreciate it!

       I’m actually not a nurse and I’m well into my career so I don’t think rooming will work for me. Thank you for the thought though!

    5. I don’t think you’ll find anything under $2k anywhere near Mass General. I pay just under $2k for a nice one bedroom in a managed apartment complex in Quincy.

       You should probably start looking in Somerville, West Cambridge, Brighton and Brookline. Look for places close to the T.

13. I might need to repost this tomorrow, but does anyone have recommendations for a great pen?

    I’m talking about pens you can find at regular office supply stores/drug stores/on Amazon. Not expensive. I’ve found random pens that are great, but most of them have been acquired randomly (ex: bank pens) and I don’t know how to buy more.

    I feel like using a great pen makes any writing task 1000x more enjoyable so I would love any “holy grail” pen suggestions!

    1. I wouldn’t say this is holy grail, but I like the Papermate Flex Grip Elite, which I’m betting I bought on Amazon – retractable (because I tend to lose caps), comes in fine point blue, not very cushiony or padded, but also not heavy or slick to grasp.

    2. What kind of pen are you looking for? I do not like pens that you have to press down on at all nor pens that have a small flow.

       I really like two kinds of pens

       1. Felt tip – Sharpie Pens are by far my leader in this category
       2. Super Inky/Pens that flow really well
       Foray Rolle Rollerball Medium, wow does the ink flow nicely, but sometimes it can flow a little too well and can flow through paper. This doesn’t bother me, but if you write on two sides of standard printer paper a lot, this could be annoying
       Pilot V Ball Pure Liquid Ink – always flows nicely, but not as heavy of a flow. Also easier to find usually

    3. Pilot Precise extra fine tip has been my favorite pen for years.

    4. Uni-ball Stick Fine Point Roller Ball Pens are my favorite. They are ask basic as a pen can get, but right very well, and can be found anywhere. I buy them in black, blue, and green.

    5. http://thesweethome.com/reviews/college-school-supplies/#pen

       When we interviewed pen experts with more than 17 years of combined experience writing about writing tools, they all agreed on one thing: The uni-ball Jetstream is the best pen for almost anyone. It’s pretty widely available, and it creates one of the smoothest, quickest-drying lines you can find. It won’t bleed, it won’t skip, it won’t feather. It will dry indelibly—and so quickly that left-handed people can use it without worrying about smudging.

    6. You can get cheap Lamy fountain pens. Entry level around $30 plus cartridges. I love writing with a good fountain pen.

14. Pilot G2

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