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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 256 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: One-Button Jacquard Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Helene Berman Jacquard BlazerWow — I love this jacquard blazer from Helene Berman (who I generally think of as making interesting, quality coats at an affordable pricepoint). I love the nubby jacquard, the lemon-yellow lining beneath the collar, and the slightly contrasting way the pattern is laid on the front flap pockets. They have it styled in a very summery way (even though it's only available for pre-order!) — I'd try it with some dark burgundy (pants, shirt, or both) for fall. The blazer is $248, available in size XS-L. Helene Berman One-Button Jacquard Jacket If you're looking for a plus size version, try this geo print jacquard jacket, under $100. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Comments

  1. Ellen

    Yay Kat! This is a VERY Beautiful Jacket, and at $248, it really is NOT that pricey for the HIVE! I think this would look great with a White or Blue Pencil Skirt. BTW, I saw a beautiful set of Prada Shoe’s on exhibit at the Cooper Union Design Museum up on 91st Street and 5th this weekend. They looked like a car’s tail-light’s. Did any one in the hive see these PRADA shoe’s? I do NOT know how expensive they would be, but they were SO cute, kind of like my neice’s sneakers that have flasheing lights on them (but for ADULT’s, OBVIOUSLEY!!!)

    Anyway, I wish the HIVE a great week! It will be a busy one for me in Court, with 31 case’s on the docket. I walked in to work and did NOT sweat at all! This is goeing to be wonderful for all of us after a VERY hot summer! FOOEY on heat!

  2. Anonymous

    Ideas for a lightweight, breathable bathrobe to use for getting ready at the gym?

    • Anon

      …why? I can’t see how this would fit in. I dry myself with my towel, then wrap it around me, then get dressed. Sometimes I do makeup etc while partially dressed (ie dress but no tights, or cami and skirt but no blouse yet) if it’s especially warm.

      • Anonymous

        Not the OP, but gym towels are too small for my ample size, leaving me uncomfortably exposed, and do not just wrap around, tuck in, and stay up.

        • Anonymous

          This reminds me of my high school gym class…

          We had to take swimming every year. They gave each student one, small, threadbare towel when you walked into the locker room. You took off your clothes, and tried to wrap the towel around yourself and then had to walk back out and get in line and wait to be handed an official gym swim suit. The towels were so small they didn’t wrap around your enter body, and you couldn’t cover both top and bottom. So you had to choose, based on your own personal insecurities that day.

          So you had this gaggle of high school girls of all ages, sizes, bodies, and insecurities, half naked, cold….standing in line… Waiting one by one while the pool lady checked you out one at a time and decided what bathing suit size to give you. While everyone was watching….

          We weren’t allowed to bring our own towels. We complained. The gym teachers laughed at us…

          I hated gym.

        • Anon

          Ah, my gym doesn’t have towels so I have my own massive ones, so I feel properly covered up. I can see why you wouldn’t in a gym-issue towel. My mistake!

      • JayJay

        And because she wants to wear a robe, so more power to her?

        OP – I love the Soma short robes that are the Cool Nights fabric. I use those all summer getting ready at home.

      • anon

        Also not OP, but I hate trying to do things with a towel wrapped around me. Maybe I just never figured out how to do it right, but it never feels secure. Its one thing if it falls off in my bathroom at home… but not at the gym please.

        I put on my clothes at the last possible minute- no opportunity for them to get dirty, and everything is dry.

        • Veronica Mars

          That’s why I love my target one, it has velcro across the top so it stays secure. I use the gym towels to dry off and this just coverage while I fix my hair/makeup.

          • Anon Midwest

            I have this same style from target and it is my go-to for summer out of the shower wrapping.

        • Jitterbug

          Same here, I never figured out how to tuck a towel securely.

          OP, if terrycloth feels too heavy, Victoria’s Secret has some cute, cotton ones you could look at.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        When I showered at the gym, I used a robe. Even if I was in a separate changing stall. It kept me warm. My gym has the AC bumping and even after a hard work out, going from hot shower to cold air is a shock. I’d dry off and put my robe on. Then I would blow dry my hair and do my make up. Then I’d get dressed.

      • LAnon

        There is a woman at my gym who wears a light bathrobe to get dressed and every time I see her, I think how smart she is to bring the bathrobe. Not weird at all

    • Anonymous

      Not a robe, but I use a turkish towel for this purpose. They are super thin but absorbent and dry quickly. They tend to be large enough to wrap around me – and I am plus size. I got two at Costco for about $40.

    • Anonymous

      Second on the light waffle robe. Perfect for getting ready at the gym. I bought two so I could trade out as needed and not worry about not having one when it needed to be cleaned.

  3. DC - Cleaning Company Recommendations?

    Hi! Could you please send any DC cleaning company recommendations? I need a company to deep clean the kitchen and two bathrooms. How much time that does normally take, and at about what cost?

    Thank you!

    • Bonnie

      Now we can return the things that fall apart. I’m surprised Nordstrom would want to collaborate with them given their declining quality.

  6. Tile/tracking devices

    Does anyone use a tile device and, if so, how specific is it? For example, the little dot on “find my iPhone” just says its in a general area, not which room of the house. Does tile hone in better? On a related note, is there a GPS locator you can use for a person that’s not an iPhone? Specific issue is elderly family member likes to walk outdoors an hour a day but has had a fall and refuses a smart phone but would wear a garmin etc so need to be able to track it.

    • Anon

      There’s quite a few of these types of devises if you google something like GPS for Alzheimer patients.

    • Pep

      I have a device called TrackR (similar to Tile) and it is a complete waste of money. Well, my BF’s money – he got involved at the KickStarter stage and gave me a few.

      • Jdubs

        Agreed. Bought TrackR during kickstarter and they were garbage in less than a month. Love the idea, but they never worked.

    • big orange drink

      I have a tile and have had mixed results. It’s great for finding my keys (I ping the tile on my keys from the app on my phone) but I have found it worthless for pinging my phone by pressing the tile attached to my keys. I have bluetooth turned on on my phone but the tile works less than half the time, even when it is range. Maybe I’m doing something wrong but I’ve looked at my settings and the directions several times and cannot get it to work. And my phone goes missing a lot more than my keys. YMMV.

      • Nancy Raygun

        I use it to ping my phone and it seems to work well, so I’m not sure what’s up with that. I like using Tile though. My husband and I used to spend way too much time looking for keys so this is a life saver.

  7. What Would You Do?

    Obviously this question is very know-your-office specific, but curious about how the Hive would handle this?

    I live in the Northeast and have been planning a trip to Alaska next Spring, returning on 5/31 (dates are set, it’s a group going).

    Over the weekend I got a Save The Date for a good friend’s destination wedding in California. The wedding is 6/10, so I’d probably leave on the preceding Thursday (6/8) and come home the following Monday. Our group of friends is far-flung around the world and would allow a lot of us to catch up at one time.

    If finances weren’t a real issue (just extra saving for the next several months) and you had the time available at work, would you go to both or back out of one (likely the Alaska trip)?

    Anecdata: I don’t work in law, I’ll have about 5 weeks of vacation next year, and spring/summer is my slow season. I’ve never taken two weeks off work, though other people on my team do every year, and even though this wouldn’t be two straight weeks, it would be 1.5 weeks out, 1 week in the office, and 3 business days out.

    • Anon

      Go to both. When you look back you’re not going to regret it, but you will regret backing out to stay in the office.

    • anonymous

      If finances and the extra vacation needed aren’t issues here, I would go to both. You are in an enviable position

    • rosie

      Definitely do it.

      I’ll add–is remote work a possibility for you? If so and you could find relatively reasonable accommodations, you could save yourself some of the flight time and stay on the west coast for the week in between. I would probably look for an inexpensive airbnb or similar in Alaska, do the week of work from there, and then fly down for the wedding.

    • Anonymous

      I would certainly not skip Alaska! But I also wouldn’t take that much time for the wedding. I’d leave after work Thursday and fly back Sunday.

      • What Would You Do?

        I was looking at this. Thursday is probably feasible to do after work though I have to connect in JFK or Boston. Sunday may be harder because the closest airports are 1.5 hours from the wedding location.

        • Anonymous

          I vote suck it up. It might mean getting up early Sunday, but taking 1.5 off, then next week 3 days off, is a lot. And to people at your company may just read as “oh don’t bother she isn’t around for like 3 weeks.”

    • Anonymous

      Go to both.

      In five year no one at the office will remember if you were back for one week or two weeks or a month in between these trips but you may regret missing out.

    • Wedding travel strategy

      Trying again–accidentally posted outside the thread. I’d probably go to both but try to minimize time off for the wedding. I currently live in California with most of my friends and family in the Midwest or the Northeast/Mid-Atlantic and my standard wedding travel is a red-eye on Friday night with a return taking off between 5 and 7 pm and landing around 10pm Sunday.
      If the wedding travel dates are set in stone for some reason, it would be trickier for me, but I’d probably do it anyway. I like weddings, they’re important to me, and I’d be willing to assume that whatever damage I’d take at work for a one-time inconvenient vacation schedule would be minimal and outweighed by my hard work the rest of the time.

    • H

      I would do both. Especially since it is a slower time and you’ll have a week in the office in between. They both sound like great opportunities that don’t come around very often.

    • Anonymous

      I would definitely go to both. You don’t have to take time off to go to a Saturday wedding in California from the East Coast. I regularly fly out Friday night or first thing Saturday and fly home Sunday night on a red-eye and don’t miss any work and still have almost 48 hours with my friends. But in your shoes I would probably take at least one day off (not sure about three though, that seems a little excessive right after a vacation).

    • Bonnie

      Go to both. You’re going to regret catching up with far away friends if you don’t go.

    • Libra

      I’d do both, and fly home between if remote work isn’t a thing in your office. Depending on what part of California, the flight from Alaska is still going to be pretty long. Alaska is really far up there. There might even be better connections to California from the north east, depending on the details. I personally would take the three days off for the wedding rather than red eyes, but that’s just me because I like sleep and don’t do it on planes very well.

    • Fishie

      Could you group the 2 trips to save yourself some travel time? If you are on the west coast after the Alaska trip, would it make sense to stay an extra night in, say, Seattle (and have some time to catch up on work emails) rather than fly back east and then back out west? I’ve done stuff like that with conferences/vacations where I will stay an extra day on vacay or somewhere in between when it is near a conference I’m headed to and spend that day doing a little catch-up work.

      • Fishie

        Oh duh, just saw your last sentence. Never mind my previous comment then. With a whole week back in the office in between, I’d just go.

    • Meg Murry

      Do you trust your boss or have a mentor you can trust? Have you already submitted a vacation request for this time off, or are you senior enough that you don’t need to submit a request but just put it on a calendar, etc? I would ask whether your plan is reasonable or whether there is some other circumstance you are unaware of (like all your counterparts booking vacation at the exact same time) that would make this unworkable.

      I’d say that a workplace that offers 5 weeks of vacation is the kind of place that is going to be more understanding of this kind of thing than most. However, if I were you I’d consider limiting the second trip to only missing 2 days – either find a flight that leaves Thursday after work or Friday morning, or fly back Sunday night instead of Monday.

      Is most of your work independent, or would you need to hand off a lot of work that would have to be handled in your absence? I think it also makes a big difference whether clients, customers or other departments would need to wait on you or whether you do independent work that can be mostly paused while you are out.

  8. First Year Anon

    I would go. Everything you are saying is pointing to this being a good idea. What is the hesitation?

  9. TO Lawyer

    I’m planning a cocktail style birthday party for myself and I think I’ve figured out what I’m doing for a signature cocktail etc. but I need help with food! Any suggestions? I’m definitely going to do a cheese board but besides that, I’m drawing a blank.

    Bonus points for things that are super easy. I don’t want to try out something complicated for the first time on my 15-20 closest friends…

    Thanks all!

    • adfs

      Hummus, pita bread, olives, dried tomatoes

      Stuffed mushrooms

      Spanakopita (sp?)

      Nachos (not sure how formal this is?)

    • Anonymous

      Cheese board.

      Veggies and dip tray.

      Platter of meats and anti pasta like things.

      Whatever hors doeuvre you can buy frozen and bake easily.

    • Anonymous

      I would just get a bunch of those frozen apps you can heat up in the oven, like mini quiches, spring rolls, meatballs, etc. Throw in a veggie platter and the cheese board and that sounds like a good time to me.

      • anon-oh-no

        I’d go with stuff that doesn’t need to be warm. you don’t want to be even heating stuff in the oven during party.

        You can do cold apps suggested by other commenters. If you want more protein, add some shrimp skewers. or to tuna tar tar (there is an ina garten recipe that is super easy to make you serve it in a big bowl with rice crackers) Beat and goat cheese skewers are also delicious.

        • Nati

          I find most of those frozen apps (mini quiches, etc.) need to be heated initially, but then are good at room temp without any fuss for the duration of the party. They’re good hot and still good after being out for a while.

          • Baconpancakes

            Seconded. Costco (or TJs, a bit more expensive) has tons of great apps that you can just heat up and serve. They’re basic, but delicious.

          • L

            I was looking to do this recently and couldn’t find mini-quiche at my publix. Any suggestions on where to find for future?

      • Anonymous

        You can get marinated mozzarella and cherry tomatoes from Costco. Consider using heirloom and/or yellow tomatoes.

    • PJ

      Crostini – thinly slice french bread, brush with melted salted butter and olive oil and lightly toast on cookie sheet. Then top with something like the following:

      Cream cheese with pepper-smoked salmon and capers.
      Guacamole with diced crisp bacon or pancetta.
      Goat cheese with roasted peppers and fresh basil.
      Mascarpone with pancetta, thinly sliced dig & balsamic vinegar.
      Goat cheese with watermelon pickle & piece of a peppadew pepper (from olive bar at Whole Foods or similar super market) – there are amazing. Every time I serve them, they are a big hit. I usually order the watermelon pickle off Amazon as it is hard to find in the store.
      Quince paste and a slice of Cotswald cheddar cheese

      You can really use anything.

    • Bonnie

      Veggie tray, cheese tray and frozen apps. I usually tweak the cooking directions enough to cook them all at once and they taste fine even when they’ve cooled. I’d also add something sweet like cheesecake bites or mini brownies or cookies.

    • Libra

      Does your coctail choice suggest any theme? Tequela based drinks would suggest Mexican inspired, absinth based would suggest French, etc. Just an idea!

    • Fishie

      Ina says something like 1 hot app, 1 you “made”, and the rest stuff you can just put out. What about Trader Joe’s cheese straw crackers, bowls of olives, nuts, crackers, and tiny mozz balls, cheese board, charcuterie (in my world that’s some salami and provolone presented artfully on a plate), 1 hot app (in my world that is something from TJ’s freezer section), and a dip?

  10. Wedding travel strategy

    I’d probably go to both but try to minimize time off for the wedding. I currently live in California with most of my friends and family in the Midwest or the Northeast/Mid-Atlantic and my standard wedding travel is a red-eye on Friday night with a return taking off between 5 and 7 pm and landing around 10pm Sunday.

    If the wedding travel dates are set in stone for some reason, it would be trickier for me, but I’d probably do it anyway. I like weddings, they’re important to me, and I’d be willing to assume that whatever damage I’d take at work for a one-time inconvenient vacation schedule would be minimal and outweighed by my hard work the rest of the time.

  11. Anonymous

    I’ve decided to host a Halloween party. This is my first real ‘adult’ Halloween party outside of college as I have just skipped Halloween for a few years. What are good ideas for this? Are the finger cookies and the bubbling dry ice punch too kiddy? Or is the norm to go as kitsch as possible?

    • Anonymous

      Who cares what the norm is? If you want to do kitsch, do it. It’s your party – throw the party you think would be fun.

    • mascot

      We host a big party every year with kids and adults and we go all out. We don’t go super scary because the kids are still young, but seems to genuinely enjoy our kitsch decorations. For food, we serve a mixture of normal foods and some themed foods- ghost cookies, pop rocks in the drinks, pumpkins made from mandarin oranges with green bean stems, etc, graveyard cakes, etc. I think too much kitsch in the food can make it unappetizing (the puking pumpkin dips for example) so I’d rather put a little bit more into the decorations.

    • Mrs. Jones

      I’ve hosted an adult Halloween party for many years. I don’t think you can go wrong with kitsch. Although most of my food is normal, Pinterest has tons of creepy food ideas. My favorite are pigs in blankets that look like severed toes, and a cheese ball that looks like a pumpkin. You can also buy black vodka. I also suggest karaoke or a psychic; both have been very popular with our friends. And spooky music and a fog machine outside your door.

    • Anonymous

      I keep having flashbacks to Madonna’s Met Ball outfit when I read “adult Halloween Party.”

    • lost academic

      As an adult party always been a big hit for us. Epicurious has good menus and innovate recipes that aren’t’ all desserts for these things.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I host one every year. Kitsch is totally fine! Encouraged even.

      I typically go with a general theme and fit food into that. One year was candy corn theme so I tried to stick with foods that fit the color scheme or could be served in triangles. Thinking of an Adams Family theme this year so I might be looking for creepy looking food.

    • Meg Murry

      I think it’s fine to go as kitsch as you want to, but that if you aren’t really into that kind of thing (or discover halfway through that the “easy” Pinterest project is actually a total pain or doesn’t actually taste good) it’s perfectly fine to just go with normal party food that isn’t Halloween themed.

      As long as you don’t completely run out of food or booze, I’m pretty sure everyone will be happy (and if not, well then forget them).

  12. Anon

    Can we talk about Clinton’s illness and the fallout? How big of a deal is this for her campaign? I can’t believe the coverage and how this seems to be playing into Trump’s hands.

    • Anon

      Can someone update what the news is saying about it – as I watched nothing but sports all weekend. All I know is she passed out at the WTC ceremony and was later said to have pneumonia. Are people making this into a – oh she has something REALLY wrong with her – theory? Are they reporting that 2 of her senior staffers also have pneumonia – so clearly it’s somehow going around and thus not so odd that she caught it from people who she’s likely with 24-7?

    • Anonymous

      I find the coverage especially infuriating because Trump hasn’t released anything about his own medical situation beyond that one letter that sounded like it was written by Dr. Nick from the Simpsons.

      • Anon

        Or like a little kid who tried to write his own excuse/permission slip from his parents to give to his teacher.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I read that Trump is going on Dr Oz soon to discuss his “personal health regime.”

        • Anonymous

          Isn’t Dr. Oz Muslim? If he is, I’m super embarrassed for Dr. Oz that he agreed to this.

          • Anonymous

            He is, but he’s also a Republican and a known enthusiast of pseudo-science and medical recommendations that aren’t accepted by the real medical community. I’m sure he is enthusiastic about having Trump on his show; he’s not being forced to do it.

    • Anon OP

      Basically, the coverage is making it seem like it’s a bigger deal than I think it is. IMO, the standard for trump is so low that all he has to do is show up and not implode and he gets mountains of praise, while Clinton is accused of a vast health conspiracy. I don’t blame her campaign for keeping it quiet if she thought she could power through. She can’t win. If she came clean up front, trump would say hey, there’s proof that her health is failing.

      I’m just infuriated and also terrified that the whole trump “pivot” is actually working.

      • Anon

        I think you’re right the Trump bar is sooo low now that if he shows up, stands on stage, and doesn’t drool on himself — people/media thinks he did well. Whereas no matter what HRC does/doesn’t do, she can’t win. Why doesn’t she come forward with a dr. statement – not just a campaign statement – re pneumonia (if she hasn’t already) and why not force the 2 staffers to come forward and talk about the fact that they too have pneumonia and then have a dr. talk about how it’s contagious (didn’t know it was contagious like that but if 2 young staffers have it, clearly it’s going around).

      • anon2

        If she had come clean, no one would have said that it was proof her health is failing. It would have just been pneumonia. But instead, they said oh it’s nothing and then oh it was just hot and then finally said it was pneumonia. You can see why people think she’s lying — they have already admitted they lied twice in this one limited scenario.

        Also, that video doesn’t look like pneumonia.

        Signed,
        Likely Clinton voter

        • Anon

          Yes. It does. Being wobbly on your feet like that is a classic symptom of walking pneumonia.

          Signed – not even motivated enough to vote in this election so it’s not like I love HRC.

        • Anon OP

          No snark at all, but what does pneumonia look like? I genuinely don’t know much about it except that it makes people weak, so doesn’t the video align with that?

        • Anonymous

          Yes, it does. I’ve had pneumonia and fainted as a result of it. It’s also possible pneumonia compounded her heat exhaustion and made it more severe than it otherwise would be. I don’t think they “lied” about it.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Yea, I think the people who are like “there’s no way that could just be from heat+pneumonia!” have never actually had problems with heat. I once straight up fainted from heat exhaustion/dehydration just from standing outside. As a healthy 17-year old without pneumonia. I am guessing I looked pretty similar as friends tried to get me inside.

          • adfs

            It’s medically an exact case of walking pneumonia. Pneumonia + standing outside at a WTC ceremony does not sound like my idea of a great time, especially with all the events she did yesterday. It’s not surprising – antibiotics are great but you need rest to recover from pneumonia.

          • anon

            Yup. I’m a big festival-goer. Every year people get carted out by paramedics because of dehydration. It’s why there’s been a huge push for festivals to provide lots of free water.

        • Bonnie

          I got pneumonia while studying for the bar and it was absolutely debilitating. I looked fine but had zero energy and did get dizzy and fall down.

        • anon

          ‘If she had come clean, no one would have said that it was proof her health is failing’

          No, they still would be saying that. I mean, look around. The inmates are running the asylum.

          • Anonymous

            IDK — I think that you either come out and control the message or you duck and cover and hope that things don’t go sideways on you (in which case, people note that you ducked and wonder about what else you are covering up). Here, they got caught and it probably would have been better to be better and on-message earlier (dehydrated / allergies, oh, wait, pneumonia).

            I’m not a Trump fan, but I think that more people going meh on her affects downballot voting and turnout, so there’s that. Agree that she’s not losing the truly faithful.

          • anon

            I do get your point, but I also think that things have gone so far beyond normalcy in this election cycle that there’s nothing she could have done that would have stemmed the flood of criticism. The conspiracy theories were going strong before, so why think that announcing it “on time” would have produced demonstrably better results? All I’m hearing is “Bengazi! and Emails! and Speeches! Oh my!” on repeat, so I think it’s simplistic to say that “controlling the message” is gonna put the crazy toothpaste back in its crazy tube.

            I also think that it’s problematic to say that she “got caught” didn’t “come clean,” or that they tried to cover things up, or lied, or whatever, when we’re talking about something as personal as someone’s health. Not that it’s per se off limits in this context, but none of us were involved or have any first hand knowledge about HRC’s symptoms, diagnosis, the timeline, et al. I’m not going to sit here without knowing anything about it and accuse her of lying. Further, in all likelihood this will be a short-term illness for her. Not likely something that will affect her fitness as president.

    • cbackson

      Do they really think that people who are planning to vote for Clinton would disregard everything that they dislike about Trump just because he happens to not have pneumonia at this exact moment? Like, I care about candidate health probably the least of all factors, assuming I’m comfortable with the VP pick.

      Part of the reason I didn’t vote for McCain in 2008 was that he had a history of poor health, the VP pick was Palin, and I was torn between him and Obama already. I’m comfortable with Clinton’s VP pick, and (like many likely Clinton voters), there is no realistic circumstance under which I would cast a vote for Trump (like, if the Democrats nominated an actual man-eating alien, MAYBE, but then again, if the alien was committed to vegetarianism and was otherwise eligible to run…), so this has literally zero impact on my decision.

      • Anon

        Agree. The people who are making a BIG deal of this aren’t Clinton voters anyway and need one more reason to hate her. That’s great for them but I really don’t think they are converting Clinton voters due to a bout of pneumonia. I guess the “worry” would be the people who are undecided who hate Trump but find her untrustworthy, though I don’t have a sense of how many there are — I mean it’s mid Sept already. How can you not have some sense of which way you lean?!

      • Wildkitten

        “Do they really think that people who are planning to vote for Clinton would disregard everything that they dislike about Trump just because he happens to not have pneumonia at this exact moment? ”

        +10000

    • CHJ

      It also reminds me of conversations we have all the time around here about whether to go to work sick and try to power through/pretend not to be sick. We always have the sense that as women, we can’t be perceived as weak so we need to show up for that interview/meeting and not show any weakness.

      I’ve certainly had my own moment — about six months after my son was born, I had the feeling that my bosses were seeing me as weak because I wasn’t back to my old self post-maternity leave. I went to work on a day when I was coming down with stomach flu and should have stayed home, and I had to run out of a deposition to throw up in the bathroom. If I was 68 y.o. and running for president and the right wing media was hammering me on having a secret undisclosed illness? You can bet I would have shown up at that 9-11 memorial.

      • Anon

        She had to show up bc it was the 9-11 memorial. Can you imagine the media/Trump if she had not showed up to the ceremony yesterday due to “illness” or even if they had said the illness was pneumonia? You’d get everyone on TV saying — so what, you can work thru pneumonia and the fact that she didn’t esp for something related to 9-11 shows that she’s weak or doesn’t care. It would have been “easier” if it was just a campaign stop bc those can be canceled w/o an entire nation looking at you.

        • emeralds

          Yeah, this was my thought. There was no way for her to back out of that event without being hammered as cold, unfeeling, calculating, can’t even show respect for 9-11, etc. And considering her strong history of support for 9-11 first responders…I honestly think she was trying to move heaven and earth so that she COULD be there to show her respect.

    • Anonymous

      The whole thing is really confusing to me because Clinton supporters don’t care and it seems like many people who dislike Clinton find Kaine more palatable – so if she were to have a serious health problem and die or be incapacitated the President would be Kaine, and how is that a worse outcome? Basically I think all Clinton supporters would vote for Kaine over Trump but there are people who dislike Clinton and don’t dislike Kaine as much, so I don’t see how him potentially become President is that big a deal (unlike say McCain/Palin, where many people liked the Presidential candidate much more than the VP candidate).

      • CHJ

        +1. I would think that most Hillary voters and NeverTrump Republicans would prefer Kaine to Trump.

    • Anonymous

      Agree about the low bar for Trump and I’m very worried about this heading into the debates. If he shows up and doesn’t attack a Gold Star family, people will say he was dignified and presidential and he will likely be declared the “winner” (I’ve heard the person with lower expectations going in almost always “wins” and that is certainly Trump). And I think that – unlike Clinton’s health – actually will sway a lot of voters.

    • Anonymous

      Doctor here.

      She has pneumonia. She is out on the Trail all day, every day, under incredibly high stress, incredibly cognitively sharp. She is approaching 70.

      It makes me tired just thinking about it. She is much stronger than me, and I am half her age.

      She is…. amazing. This is nearly superhuman.

      • Anonymous

        Unless she is desperately wanting to appear superhuman and running herself ragged doing it. If it’s a marathon, not a sprint, then I am worried that she is sprinting. All. The. Time. Not sure that anyone has 4 years of that in them, 70 or not. It’s like I couldn’t be pregnant and have a newborn at BigLaw for 4 years straight + a campaign before that. Something has to give.

    • Fishie

      I am frustrated that the news outlets are making a big deal of this, as though pneumonia is a terminal or chronic condition, or one that impedes someone’s cognitive abilities on a permanent basis.

  13. MommyMonster

    So ladies, we’ve had these discussions before, but now it’s “fall” – what should I be wearing casually to go out to dinner, on the weekends, etc. not to look hopelessly out of date?

    I’m almost back to my pre-2nd-pregnancy shape, with some room left to go to get back to the shape I’m most confident dressing. But I don’t know what’s on trend anymore. And we usually go out with the kids, so I want to be able to bend and move.

    Distressed jeans, cropped jeans, booties? Are we going back to form-fitting tops, or are my “safe” billowy tops still ok? What about to go to a nice restaurant? I’d ask about parties, but it’s been forever since we’ve actually gone to an adult evening event such that I don’t see one on the horizon. But I’m also preparing for a cruise, so I’d like to pack and dress appropriately.

      • Anonymous

        How do you style the lower half? I feel like billowy is easy to overdo and if it hits wrong, makes me look like a set of Giant Thighs (esp. in any sort of skinny ankle pant; doubly so with booties).

        • Bonnie

          I think the trick is that you don’t want the top to be too billowy. It should still skim your body and not be too long.

        • Anonymous

          Go for straight cut jeans (but not boyfriend cut – too slouchy) rather than the skinny – You still get the tailored/low volume look to off-set the high-volume top, but less “HELLO THIGHS” that skinnies tend to give.

    • Beth

      unrelated but how many month PP are you? I’m not quite 2 months PP with my second and looking forlornly at my cute fall clothes that definitely will NOT fit this season. Am hoping my cute winter clothes will fit :)

      • MommyMonster

        13 months postpartum. LOL. We’ve had a really rough year of family medical nightmares, so devoting time to myself really was a challenge.

        Be kind to yourself. I have been much slower to lose weight/inches this time around.

        My bigger winter items fit last year (and my pregnancy pants/jeans – no shame here), but I definitely used the old rubber band trick and wore a lot of dresses/bigger sweaters. Also, I found a lovely tunic sweater from Woolovers that solved most of my problems last year, with bonus points for getting it on sale.

        For work, I wore a lot of scarves over camisoles/button front shirts that I couldn’t button, a lot of cardigans open over camisoles + scarves, etc. It also helped me to have a set of capsule colors to get me through the sizes.

        • Beth

          Oh that made my morning :) I have lost 25lbsc, have 15-20 more to go, and I have set a mental goal of Christmas to at least fit into my prepreg clothes, even if not ideally fit.

          My hands are still really puffy–so much so my rings still don’t fit. Oh well. I have other things on my mind and am chilling out in a nursing tank + open sweater and yoga pants until mat leave ends at the end of Oct

          • MommyMonster

            The not ideally fit is the story of my life.

            So you didn’t ask, but I have some “advice”:

            If you’re not already, make sure you’re drinking enough water. Like 1/2 your body weight in pounds in oz of water, plus another 10 if you’re nursing. It helps me to actually track it in an app. But it keeps my shoes and my rings from being tight and bonus points for better skin and hair.

            A lot of women here have recommended Lindsey Brin’s postnatal fitness, which I have started 4 times with the best of intentions. Her ab workouts are awesome (and on Youtube). But I can’t commit to her 50 minute sessions or anything like that on the little sleep I get and a full time job, and the weights were irritating my wrists. And I HATE bootcamp style exercises.

            I can, however, commit to 20 minutes a day, and the 10 minute solutions videos work for me. I’ve been doing pilates and supplementing with some cardio of choice (Zumba, mostly). The results aren’t fast, but they are consistently improving. And I’m consistent, which I think in the long term is healthier anyway.

            But I hadn’t even thought about exercise until well after my leave ended, and I wasn’t doing much until the baby was not waking up for middle of the night feedings anymore.

    • Frozen Peach

      I’m in a similar spot. I love those tops I’m seeing where two pieces of fabric cross in a billowy front (very forgiving to the tummy area), but I haven’t been able to find them online. Can someone help?

      • rosie

        Not sure exactly what you mean, but if you mean sort of faux wrap, check Ann Taylor. I got several there last year.

      • MSJ

        Pleione faux wrap? Nordstrom has the sleeveless version. MM La Fleur makes a gorgeous luxe version called the deneuve. Sadly neither work for my long torso

    • Anonymous

      In terms of preparing for your trip, I just got back from a cruise yesterday, and while it was still basically summer I saw plenty of flowy tops over white jeans. Also lots of casual to semi-formal dresses for dinner. Some of that may be cruise line-dependent though.

  14. Hair Thinning

    My hair seems to be shedding/thinning at an abnormal rate. I know this is normal as one ages – I was told women typically lose 30% of their hair volume by 30 (which seemed to be pretty true for me). But now a couple years later, it seems like my daily hair shed is 10x what it used to be. Is this normal? It seems like I’m going to have little hair left soon if this continues…

    Any suggestions for how to counteract this? Products, other tips? Thank you!!

    • Rural Juror

      See a doctor, get some blood work. Hair loss is a symptom of a lot of stuff from stress to vitamin deficiencies.

      If it’s just an age issue, Redkin Cetafill products have been a godsend for me.

      • Anonymous4

        It could also be a thyroid thing – so have them run thyroid panels too. Mine stopped falling out when I started on a regimen for underactive thyroid.

    • shedder

      This happened to me in my early 30s and I FREAKED OUT. My dermatologist found nothing wrong with me and was like, oh, you still have plenty of hair!

      Well, I know what my hair used to be like, and this is not normal. I refused to accept it.

      So now I use Women’s Rogaine 5% and whether it’s all in my head or not, I feel like it works. It’s at least decreased the shed, which helps me feel more confident. You do have to use it every single day, which is annoying, but I’d rather do that than feel helpless.

      Good luck!

    • CKB

      I went through this earlier this year. My hair was falling out at unusually high rate and my pony tail was noticeably smaller. I saw my dr about an unrelated issue and after asking a bunch of questions she said it didn’t sound like anything was seriously wrong, but to keep an eye on it.

      It turned out to be stress. I changed a couple of things in my life and the hair stopped falling out as bad.

      Could unusual stress be part of the problem?

      • CountC

        +1 My hair loss was also related to stress. It’s a delayed reaction – I was told about 2 – 3 months after the stressful event but YMMV. I started taking hair and nail vitamins anyway and my hair certainly appears to be growing faster, falling out less, and my brittle nails are a bit stronger.

    • bridget

      Aside from the usual advice to see a doctor, consider adding some extra protein and hair-friendly vitamins and minerals into your diet (supplements are easiest). I have some friends who swear by prenatal vitamins to make their hair thicker and shinier.

    • OP

      Thanks for the responses! I will make sure to talk to my doctor about it at my next annual check-up. It could be stress – I get stressed out easily (typically by work), but right now is not a particularly stressful time. Then again, the unusual shedding has been happening for 6 months at least.

      Appreciate the recommendations for Redkin Cetafill and Women’s Rogaine 5%. I will check those out as well.

    • Dahlia

      Hey,

      I started getting thinning hair around 30. I’m sure part of it was stress, but it was persistent. I also use rogaine 5% foam and I think it helps.

  15. officer

    Any tips about how to be comfortable communicating more directly (especially in potentially uncomfortable situations)? I am great at indirect communication, indicating what I want politely while giving the other person an out, etc…but I am horrible at the direct “I’m not happy with this situation/I don’t want this ” types of communication where you directly have to convey something likely to be unpleasant to the other person. I really stumble at it.

    • banana

      I find that being more direct helps. (I use the phrase “I’m going to push back against this because …” a lot.) Especially at work, people expect different opinions. When I’m indirect it can come across as passive aggressive. I get better results when I’m more direct but very, very pleasant.

    • Idea

      AskAManager has a LOT of good scripts for this. She’s very direct.
      Just repeat to yourself, it’s not personal, it’s business, for yourself and for the other person.

    • Anonymous4

      I actually spoke with a counselor about this. We spent some time role playing – and I found that I just needed a lot of practice at it. I didn’t grow up communicating directly, and I still don’t communicate with my family in a direct manner. I have begun noticed positive things happening when I finally started being more direct in my communication and that encouraged me to continue being more direct. It was refreshing for someone to truly listen, and to respond to my thoughts, and I began to feel more confident about myself.

      Scripts are really helpful, even thinking through how you would express yourself in a given situation – but for me the words always stuck in my throat. The role play made a big difference for me.

  16. sombra

    How do you get a handle on all your membership cards? Separate card case? Is there an app? I hate having a bulky wallet but simultaneously can’t remember to take the out the card I need / plan well enough to be able to do that. At minimum I’m carrying 4 various membership / discount cards. When I can use a phone # like a grocery store I do that, but that doesn’t work with all places.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Android Pay. It takes a picture of the card and stores the barcode so you can just pull it up on your phone and scan it at the store. I don’t use any of the pay features of Android Pay, just the loyalty cards. I assume there is an equivalent program for iPhones.

    • Anonymous

      I have about 20 and have resorted to just throwing them in my purse with a rubber band around the entire stack. I tried searching for a card case but couldn’t find ones that would hold that many, and thought it was a little ridiculous to pay $30 for something to put my smoothie punch card in, so I gave up.

    • Cat

      I take photos of mine and have an album of them on my phone. They’re good enough resolution to scan.

        • Sidney

          I use CardStar too — love it. Seriously reduced the number of loyalty cards I am keeping track of, and reduces the time at the cash register rummaging through my purse to find the one I need.

      • Marissa Russell

        So asking a question is “lurking” now? And the particular question that I asked has nothing to do with the type of coaching that I do, so I highly doubt that I’m going to get a client because of it.

        • Nati

          It may have appeared that way to the poster above because there was no personal context at all provided for the question.

          • Marissa Russell

            Honestly there was no personal context lol. I started thinking of this question this morning and just was curious as to what the responses of the ladies on here would be. I have realized though that if you don’t have a personal story, dilemma, or problem that you need help solving, people are less responsive for whatever reason.

          • Cat

            Marissa, I don’t know how long you’ve been reading here, but this isn’t The View (well, what I remember of The View from 10 years ago as I haven’t watched in awhile…) where you just toss a topic out for discussion… hence the reactions above.

          • Marissa Russell

            Cat, I haven’t even come here for 3 weeks, so I didn’t realize that if you don’t have a personal crisis, people aren’t going to want to hear from you. Trust me, I won’t ask one again because all of this drama over a link (that I haven’t asked anyone to click on) is really not worth it to me. The whole reason I started posting in this community to begin with was because I thought it was generally welcoming and helpful but little did I know I would get dragged over something that I didn’t even know was bothering people with no warning. I think people should actually give you the benefit of the doubt or ask questions for clarity instead of assuming that you automatically have slimy or negative intentions.

        • Anonymous

          There’s nothing wrong with asking a random question, but you’re doing it every single day and it always seems to be a fake question meant to get people clicking on the link to your bl0g, not a genuine problem or question you have. It’s getting a little tiresome.

          • Anon

            +1. I’ve noticed this, too. And I’m sorry to be blunt, but most women here are actual career women who aren’t interested in the modern pyramid scheme that is life coaching/lifestyle coaching/etc. Go be the next Gina Devee somewhere else please.

          • Anonymous

            +1 You know how some of the big bl*ggers or wannabes end every post with a question even when it feels incredibly artificial (“tell me darlings, what’s your favorite food?”). That’s what this is.

          • Marissa Russell

            Honestly you can Google my name and look at my Quora profile and see that I have asked over 500 questions on there. Hell, I even won an award for it. It’s not a gimmick, I honestly just like asking questions and figured that I would get interesting responses from this community. They aren’t “fake questions.” Also, you can’t blame me because people make a decision to click on a link in which I have made absolutely no reference to in my post. I’ve seen links on here before and not clicked. If someone clicks on mine that’s their decision. If I was here daily stating my job and telling people to check out my website, then I would agree with you, but I’m not. The last question I asked on here was what financial mistakes people have made in their 20s. That has absolutely nothing to do with my business. The only reason I post the link to my website at all is because as a business owner I’d be an idiot not to if I’m going to comment on a blog anyway and there’s a designated field that let’s me, but anyone with common sense knows that there is a 98% chance that no one is going to become your client (especially not with my prices) because of comments on a blog. I have much more reliable ways to market.

          • questions

            “That has absolutely nothing to do with my business.”

            So gathering information from your target audience about their concerns and life experiences isn’t relevant to your *life coaching* business? Come on now. You’ve asked a lot of questions designed to elicit life advice from women who have been there.

          • Anonymous

            Ok, so you’re using Quora to drive traffic to your s!te too? I’m not sure how it makes it better, when you’re called out for spamming, to say you spam other s!tes too. People don’t have to click the link, but you’re obviously leaving your comment in the hopes that they do, and not in the interest of furthering genuine conversation here, and that’s what comes across as self-promotional.

        • questions

          And that you’ve posted questions like this several days in a row now, with a link to your page. It feels like you’re doing brand research on commentors here for use in furtherance of your business, rather than asking as a part of a conversation.

          I’m not invested either way… just saying how it comes off.

    • all about eevee

      Just wondering – why does anyone need a life coach, anyway? I don’t understand this as something someone should pay money for on a weekly or monthly basis. I would rather take that money and go to therapy.

      • Nati

        Yup, me too.

        OR talk to my mom, grandparent, or friends or a professional mentor in my field. There is a lot more value, in my opinion, in talking to people who know me personally (and have for a while) and who can actually make recommendations that make sense on that basis. Or people who are on the same professional path as me who can help connect me to others who might be of help or be part of my personal/professional support system. I don’t see why I would pay a stranger to coach me?

      • Anonymous

        I can’t think of life coaching without thinking of Paris on Gilmore Girls bringing her life coach with her to Yale.

      • Wildkitten

        I used a career coach when I was job searching and it was really helpful to have someone to help me organize my thoughts so I didn’t burn out all my friendships with my need to talk about my job search.

      • Marissa Russell

        Well since you ask, therapy is about dealing with emotional baggage from the past and coaching is strictly present and future-oriented focusing on goal attainment. It isn’t interchangeable with therapy and we don’t sit around talking about your feelings. It’s all about a plan of action. It all depends on what your issue is whether you need one or not. If it’s a generic coach that claims to help you with every issue under the sun, you can probably do without them. If it’s someone who can help you solve a specific problem like helping you grow a 6-figure business, helping you become a better public speaker, helping you become more assertive, and so on, I wouldn’t write it off because the title of “coach” sounds taboo, because your friends, family members or coworkers may not be equipped to help you with that particular issue. People choose them over friends and family members because they want an unbiased perspective. Granted, it isn’t for everyone. We turn down clients all the time in this industry because sometimes it’s just not a good match for the client.

        • Bonnie

          That’s utter BS. Therapy is not just about the past. In fact, cognitive behavioral therapy largely focuses with how patients currently deal with problems and provides skills to change ways of approaching issues.

        • Senior Attorney

          Speaking of good matches, I feel like if I were your personal life or career coach I might tell you that you are not coming off the way you would like to come off on this site, and rather than defending yourself and continuing to do the same off-putting thing, you might want to either go someplace where what you do will be a better fit, or think about adjusting your comments on this site to better fit the little culture we’ve developed here.

        • all about eevee

          But what does a coach DO that a client can’t just do for herself with some goal-setting printables off of Pinterest?

          • Way back in the this-site day....

            They teach you love and fabuliciousness, I think?

          • Cat

            oh man, thanks for the giggle. I just searched to find that post again and that was 4 years ago! I see from google that Rebecca Hulse doesn’t seem to have changed much… calling herself an Access Consciousness Facilitator.

        • Anon

          Yeah, big no.

          I’ve been seeing my therapist for more than two years. Yeah. We talk about the past. But more often, it’s what’s going on right now and how I can best deal with those issues. It’s not just “feelings.” She’s helped me get through: an abusive relationship and attempts to get out of it (and the eventual “Boy, BYE!”!!! :D), a sexual assault, getting a job, figuring out where I want to be in a few years and the type of person I want to be, and a million other things. She is objective and unbiased and doesn’t come off as self-promotional like this.

          Maybe, instead of condescending actual, research based methods of self-change, you should get a “life coach,” (or a therapist….) yourself and figure out your “personal brand.”

      • Bewitched

        I don’t understand how someone who seems to be in their 20’s or early 30’s could help “coach” me in my career. Ok, so I guess coaches take some online courses. Great. Unless you’ve worked your way up the career ladder to the c-suite of a multi million dollar company, I honestly can’t see how a coach would help a successful career woman. OK, if you don’t have a plan of action, yes, you are probably not going to get there, but do you need a $175/hr coach to tell you that? Honest question.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I’ve considered a life coach for my ADD. Just to give my husband a break really. Friends and family can burn out on being your sounding board (or the people that have to remember everything) all the time. I’ve tried therapy and it was great for getting over a traumatic event and to help with anxiety issues. It really has been useless for my ADD. I think a life coach is someone who could help streamline my processes. Help me organize my home life and my work life. I haven’t done it but I’m open to it.

        • all about eevee

          Do you take medication to manage the ADD? I ask because medication is the only thing that has ever helped my husband.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            I did. I’m off of it for a bit for medical reasons. Thanks for asking though. I think the medication help me get the processes in place I needed to successfully adult. Even though I’m off it now, I am still using those processes. I occasionally screw up. I missed a chiro appt today despite the office’s reminder and having it in my calendar because I forgot to put in the 3o min prior pop up on my calendar. I got engrossed in my work and forgot what time it was! But, it hasn’t happened in months so, improvement!

      • Senior Attorney

        Similar here: That I was raised by wolves and that for the longest time I thought that it was normal for people who supposedly love you to be mean to you and tell you you’re not good enough in various ways.

        And this last one has taught me that I must be pretty awesome after all, because two days ago I married the most awesome man on the planet. ;)

        • brokentoe

          Congratulations indeed – I hope this is the start of a long and happy union. :)

        • Anon

          This first paragraph unfortunately resonates with me. BUT now I recognize this! YAY!

          Congrats on your second paragraph, and all the best to you :-)

        • NP Mom

          I am still smiling over the description of your wedding. Congratulations & best wishes to you & LH for a long happy life together!

      • Anonymous

        +1

        Or I guess in my case, my parent’s marriage and their avoidance of divorce… and the fallout.

    • ToucheHere

      What piqued my interest was a person posting with a woman’s name… that seems to be an indicator for trolls lately, what with Cheryl, Geri, etc. So I clicked before I posted. Glad I did — I’m sure you’re an overachieving chick, and you have a lot of potential here, but we don’t post links to our sites around here.

  18. Laid Off SO

    My fiancé just got laid off. I posted here a month or so ago about his anxiety that this was coming. He’s a 38-year-old lawyer and this is not the first time this has happened to him. He was in this job for about 18 months, and before that was unemployed for about 6 months.

    Financially we are fine – he would be fine on his own for at least 6 months, but we could survive on my income alone. But I am feeling really anxious about what a challenge this will be for us. We were not together during his last lay off, but it was apparently a really dark time for him, with deep depression. I’m scared he is going to get depressed, feel aimless and bored, etc. Things are generally strong and supportive between us right now despite a lot of external challenges, like his dad being very sick. But to pile this on top is just a bad hand for him. It sucks.

    How can I support him during this time? He is typical male, with a blow-able ego and an idea of the guy being the provider. I want to be the best partner I can be for him right now, without letting his upset consume me or our relationship. We are in pre-marital counseling so we’ll definitely talk about it there. Just looking for general tips as to how to navigate this.

    • Anonymous

      Encourage him as much as possible to keep up a daily routine – get up and have breakfast with you. Maybe go to Starbucks or somewhere for breakfast together and then he can stay and use the wifi to do some job searching?

      Is his lay off performance related? Is it worth meeting with a career counselor to think of other types of law related jobs he might be interested in if private firm life isn’t for him?

    • Anon

      Is it just bad luck (which is very very possible so I’m not doubting) or is there some similarity between the last job and this job such that these jobs may not be for him? Is law what he wants to do or is there something else that he’d rather be doing? If you are both financially comfortable, perhaps you can encourage him to explore some other area?

    • AB

      When I was laid off, I appreciated when my husband helped me brainstorm the direction I wanted to take, so I could think out loud, “would I like job XYZ?” I didn’t want him to push me or check up on my job search — I had it taken care of. I liked having someone in my corner to bounce things off of in a non-judgmental way.

    • Anonymous

      He needs to get to a doctor/therapy ASAP. He clearly has a lot of issues to deal with before he can look for and start another job. He may need to re-evaluate what he wants to do, career wise, and he may need someone from the outside (that isn’t you….) supporting him through this.

      I sensed in your prior posts that he needs medication, or a change in meds if he is on some already. Perhaps a new doctor for a second opinion, as he needs much better teaching on anxiety reducing techniques.

      Meanwhile, I also like the idea of encouraging a routine. Sleeping, getting up at a regular time is a very very important thing that usually falls by the wayside when you are depressed. Getting up with you, perhaps taking a walk with you outside after dinner every day so he gets out. Getting exercise in his every day will also help his mood.

      He will not be success in getting a good next job and succeeding at that job until he is able to get a grasp on his mental health issues. This may be a blessing in disguise. Focus more on this then looking at the next job right now. He has time. It’s worth it.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I remember your previous posts too. This isn’t a general “how do I support my SO through a lay-off” question. He needs to address his mental health issues before he can try to address his job situation.

    • Idea

      Call on the rest of your/his support network — esp. because his dad is sick. Any other parents that can help out? Any siblings? By “help out” I mean can he call them during the day at lowpoints or just to ‘check in’?
      He can apply for unemployment, right? That’s a good first task.
      Definitely focus on mental health, along with career counseling, networking, etc. You can only do so much to help him. Let him know you trust him and have confidence in him — his trust in himself and his decision making is likely shot.

    • Anonymous

      What do you think the unemployment is related to? A bad job market? Temporary positions? Or something innate to him, inability to work in a team, take criticism, bad attitude? I married my husband in 4 1/2 years ago, and in that time, he got let go twice. Each time he claimed it wasn’t his fault, and he also experienced depression with sleeping in super late, not helping around the house, not cleaning-which I came to really resent because I’d be working and come home to a husband in PJs with dirty dishes everywhere. It was everyone else’s fault but his. He was always able to find a job within a few months, so the financial struggle wasn’t too bad, but it took an emotional toll. It became clear to me that it was him. We tried couples therapy, which didn’t work, and we are now getting a divorce. Clearly his unemployment wasn’t the only issue, but it was a symptom of his inability to accept criticism and cope with life’s challenges. I wish you the best! Just be careful. You can love someone, but if he isn’t going to take steps to rise to the occasion, then the relationship may not work no matter what you do.

      • Anonymous

        This 100% describes my ex, except it was 10 jobs over 11 years, with months in between each one. It was never his fault and thus he didn’t fix the issues that caused the layoffs. Really unfortunate, but this is one of the biggest things that killed our marriage – well, and the things that made him a bad employee also made him a lousy spouse.

  19. anonymous

    Help. I have MBB interviews over the next couple of weeks. I’ve worked really hard preparing, but… I’m getting sick. What are your best get over cold symptoms fast tips???

    • GCA

      Spicy hot clear broths – pho is my go-to comfort food when I’m sick. Lots of water, tea, honey, and sleep. If you’ve done all your homework, the best thing you can do to be prepared at this time is probably lie in bed and catch up on your back issues of the Economist and New Yorker! Good luck! Hopefully you can get back to 100% before interviews start. The interviews themselves will probably be stressful and long, and you don’t want to risk becoming sicker.

    • Anonymous

      Sleep. Taking sambucol or eating elderberries supposedly helps shorten the time of sickness with the flu, so possibly it would have a similar effect on a cold.

  20. UTIs

    I’ve been getting frequent UTIs, even though I do all the things my doctor tells me to do — pee right after gardening, wipe front to back, taking probiotics, etc. This has never been a problem for me in previous relationships, but my current gardening partner has, uh, a large … hoe? Shovel? Hose? ANYWAY, whatever terrible tortured-metaphor name you want to give it, it may or may not be relevant. But there’s something different going on here, because this has never happened before.

    Obviously I am going to go to the doctor yet again, but I wondered if any of you had experienced this problem of regularly recurring UTIs and if so, whether there was a successful fix you/your doctor found that I should ask about.

    • Anonymous

      I found that having him shower thoroughly (front and back) before gardening kept my UTIs away. I also added wet wipes to the bathroom for cleanups after #2. Keeping the “hoeing”(?) portion of the evening shorter helped. If he’s taking >30 minutes hoeing, my risk of UTI gets much higher.

    • Anonymous

      Make sure you use enough lubricant and take D-mannose. It come in pill or powder form, the brand I use is called Now. I usually take ~3 pills before and 3 pills after. Works perfectly for me.

      • Anon Midwest

        The D-mannose is honestly a wonderful recommendation. It helped my similar problems with my partner.

      • Anon

        Thirding the d-mannose. I take it every day. It’s a type of sugar (not metabolized like glucose or fructose so it won’t give you a sugar crash or yeast infection) that attaches to e-coli and flushes it out. You have to be consistent and take quite a lot of it, but it’s a taste free powder that mixes with water.

    • Been there

      First, my sympathies. I went through something similar with my husband this summer. It was miserable. A few suggestions: Cranberry or D-mannose every day. Drink a full glass of water 15-30 minutes before gardening so you can really empty things out after (but hopefully you won’t have a full bladder during). Keep yourself well-hydrated in general, and don’t wait to use the bathroom if you need to go (which I have done and is just cooking the infection). If you feel that first slight feeling of a UTI coming on, drink tons of water and up your vitamin C. Also, check the lube you are using. Anything oil based can help spread the infection. When you speak with your Dr., ask the protocol for when you have a UTI. I found out that if I started Uristat or something similar, they could not do the rapid test thus prolonging the amount of time before I could be treated.

    • JuniorMinion

      Yes – I have had 35 including one that went to my kidneys. I would recommend you see a urologist to rule out anything potentially harmful to your health, but some women are just susceptible. It can often be related to your particular anatomy. The only thing I found that completely got rid of them was taking a low dose of macrobid every day but I am obviously not going to do that forever. A couple of insights I have gained in this process:

      1) Make sure its not just a recurring version of the same UTI (aka how I ended up with a kidney infection). Some drs are hesitant to bring out the big guns, but sometimes it takes 5-7 days of Cipro / Levaquin / Macrobid to really completely get rid of it. Sometimes they can compare your most recent labs to your previous labs and see if its the same type of bacteria
      2) Take some sort of a urinary health supplement – Azo has one which seems to have helped me while eliminating all the sugar of pounding cranberry juice
      3) Spend as much time underwear / bottomless as possible. I know this might not work for everyone but sleeping in a nightgown / naked without bottoms seems to have reined in my down there issues
      4) If you get sweaty / work out, take those pants off immediately post workout
      5) Be cautious wearing tight jeans / other non breathable fabric for long periods of time
      6) Just generally try to take good care of yourself
      7) Make sure the garden hose gets rinsed / cleaned before use and that if there is any backdoor action that you stop and rinse again in between / make sure there is no cross contamination (no judgement, not implying anything here – just interested in your health :)
      8) Make sure on a regular basis you are drinking enough water and your pee is light yellow to clear (ie doesnt get to that dark yellow / dehydrated place). Continually keeping my system moving / keeping myself hydrated seems to help

      I haven’t completely eliminated the problem, but it seems to wreak less havoc on my life now than when I wasn’t practicing as good self care.

      • Nati

        I second suggestion 1. I’ve had recurring UTIs and recurring strep throat infections that needed more powerful antibiotics.

    • GirlFriday

      Sorry you’re going through this – it really sucks. It seems like previous posters have some great suggestions, but what worked for me was drinking A LOT of cranberry juice (I’m talking the super sour, cold-pressed, not from concentrate, no sugar added, 100% juice) and more frequent gardening, which is a bit counter-intuitive. Honestly, I think my body just needed some time to adjust (although it probably would have done so faster if I stayed hydrated). It will get better, I promise!

      • Nati

        Is there a brand you can recommend for the juice? I always just see the very sugary stuff in stores.

        • GirlFriday

          Just Cranberry is my favorite. I can find it in my local grocery store (in TX) but Whole Foods should have it for sure. Not sure about TJ’s but I would think they’d have it too. Good luck!

        • Anonymous

          D-mannose is the active ingredient in cranberry juice, so you can use it instead of the juice, if you can’t find it. It’s cheaper/more concentrated to take the pills.

      • Anon

        Be careful with cranberry though – I took cranberry pills against recurring UTIs and it turns out it can be very irritating to the bladder, and I was having UTI symptoms but tested negative for bacteria – probably had some form of interstitial cystitis and it was made worse by the cranberries (and anything citrus-y). If you have a sensitive bladder, definitely do d-mannose but also look into Vitanica’s Bladder Ease supplement. Those two, plus daily probiotics, have helped me a lot.

    • Hildy

      Take a daily Vitamin C pill – a nurse advised me to do this after I was getting repeat UTIs for awhile and they instantly stopped, it’s something to do with the acidity of the v*g*na.

    • lost academic

      Are you SURE it is a UTI? There are other types of infections you can have that feel somewhat similar but are related to a new gardening partner – there are just new microorganisms you have to get used to. Making sure you’re telling your doctor that it’s a new partner and getting a physical exam is important. Ask for an exam if they don’t’ suggest it.

    • Anonymous

      Go see a urologist. I had a large kidney stone and my only symptom was recurring utis (5 in 3 months). I’ve been on cranberry pills and lithotripsy and I’ve been uti free since.

  21. Newbie question

    How do I get email notifications for follow up comments to my post? Right now every time I select “notify me of follow up comments” I get a notification for every post.

  22. Betty

    Any recommendations for opaque, black tights? I checked for past posts and the recommendation was Commando but that was in 2011.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      I love Spanx brand tights – whether you also like them will depend on your tolerance/like of control tops. The tights are not as tight/shaping as a normal pair of Spanx, I would compare them to a pair of control top pantyhose. Like smoothing but not actual squishing.

      They are not cheap (although not as much as Wolford, for example) but they wear like iron. I buy 5 pairs and wear a pair each day all winter to work. I have two pairs from 3 years ago, two pairs from 2 years ago and added a pair last year. I wash cold in the machine, hang dry. Sometimes machine dry when SO forgets.

      • Anonymous

        My experience with the Spanx tights is that they are a bit shinier than I like – not obnoxiously so, but a little. The commando tights are much more matte. I also love the wide, non-constricting waistband on the commandos.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I generally love Spanx too. I’ve been buying them for years though and feel the quality last year was just not the same. I’ll probably give them another chance this year if I have to replace another pair. They just don’t wear as much like iron as they used to, in my experience.

    • anon

      I am not the Fleece Tights person, but the West Loop brand of tights at Walgreens (not fleece lined) are very opaque and wear so well. I have had them last three winters of heavy use and they are not expensive.

    • lost academic

      Got some blackout tights at Kohls, holding up really well. I got some fleece ones for winter but they really lack the elasticity in the fabric I need.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I try to buy my tights at least one size larger than the chart says on the package to keep them even more opaque. I generally like Hue and Calvin Klein tights.

  23. Anon

    How do you deal with stretches of time in your life when nothing goes your way and you fail at everything you try? How do you deal with the situation where you envisioned your life to be something and it turns out to be completely different and there is nothing you can do about it? I am in such a situation now and I have been telling myself that this will pass and life will be better again..but some days are difficult than the others.I feel completely aimless and just don’t know why I am living.

    • Alyse

      Cheer up. Yes, today may be bad, but tomorrow will be better. Who knows? Tomorrow you could win the lottery, or even a date with a cute guy! Whatever is getting you down today will go away soon, and you will be left with a pretty woman who has so much going for her. If you are religous, and can deal with the tedium, go to confession, or see your minister. Once you find out what is wrong, you can fix it, and the minister should not be judgmental.

    • lawsuited

      Based on the way you describe your situation, I would go and see a therapist. It may be that talking through and reframing some of this may change how you feel about the situation even if it does turn out to be true that you can’t change the situation.

      • Meredith Grey

        +1. The second I read your post I thought: Therapy. From someone who was extremely skeptical and averse to what I perceived as “needing help” to navigate what other people probably consider “normal every day struggles,” after 3-4 sessions I’ve noticed a remarkable difference in my outlook and tolerance for that feeling of everything is F’d/why is this happening?!

    • Anonymous4

      I would agree that sitting with a therapist or counselor for a few sessions might be helpful. It might be worth a discussion with your GP to make sure you don’t have a Vitamin D deficiency or other medical issue that is contributing to depression or anxiety.

      I was feeling this way due to both medical conditions and life situations and while working on my medical issues, I did meet with a counselor a few times. He recommended being more intentional in a job search, and since doing that I’ve begun to feel proactive and a bit better about life in general. The act of taking steps to change the untenable parts of my life situation have been good: sorting out what I can and can’t change (ie, I cannot magically get a new job, but I can actively search, network and apply; I cannot bring a loved one back from the dead but I can create special ways to remember that loved one that lead me on a path of acceptance of the loss), figuring out what steps will help me change what I can, and then taking those steps.

    • Wildkitten

      Therapy is very helpful. Reframing your situation is clutch. You might consider a low does of an anti-depressant – those help a LOT with my “feeling aimless.” Also realize what you can control and make choices based on those things (however small they are).

    • Idea

      It happens.
      I highly recommend the therapy. But I also recommend some of the exercise taught by my therapist — gratitude. Seriously. Start with 1 thing – a person, a place, a “could be worse” even.
      Also identify your feelings in the present time and moment. Not your ruminations on the past, not your anxieties about the future. But right now — about right now.
      Take care of yourself. Have something to look forward to.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’m worried about your last sentence so I’m just going to put this here and urge you to call if you think there’s any possibility you might hurt yourself: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

      Therapy, yes, for sure. And I just kept telling myself during the bad time that every day I made it through was one day closer to something better. And I kept repeating “the only way out is through” every day, multiple times a day. And eventually I was through and out, and you will be too.

    • Jimmyk

      I have gone through some difficult times in the past few years. I lost both my parents and my mother-in-law. What I like to keep in mind is that life has the good parts and the bad parts, there is nothing you can really do about that. They go hand in hand and I find it helpful to know that this is the story for every single person, probably every single living thing in this world and always has been and will be in the future. Your experience, not matter how terrible, isn’t unique to you, and it has to be accepted as basic fact of life. This also means that you, like many other people in this world can be okay despite how difficult it might seem right now. There are solutions out there to guide you through this rough patch because there is no one out there who hasn’t needed it time to time.

      You are strong enough to deal with it. Find whatever support you need. Get a therapist, talk to friends, and family.

    • AnonInfinity

      Oof. I am here, too. I’ve recently started therapy and a low dose of antidepressants. I am having more frequent ok days (rather than all terrible days), so I think it’s helping. Please seek help. At a certain point, venting to my friends and husband just wasn’t cutting it anymore.

    • Maizie

      Sorry you’re in Miseryville! I’ve been there too. I also take a low dose of antidepressants.

      Re #1 (frustration and failure): When I was unemployed for 3 years* I just kept. going. with occasional breaks to be cynical and bitter. (To be fair, I was looking for a unicorn job: professional, part-time, and close to home.) I was deeply fortunate in being able to make positive contributions in non-work ways, as a family member and as a friend. Sometimes that’s all you can do in life is just. keep. going. It stinks and it’s not fair, but it happens.

      Re #2 (life turns out very differently than expected): A very wise woman once told me, “Sometimes what you want to happen doesn’t happen.” So you react unhappily for a while and then manage to make peace with the disappointment of missing a desired experience–or of receiving an unwanted, unhappy experience. After a while, I found it easier to accept the disappointment and move on rather than to keep on expending tons of emotional energy via grief, anger, frustration, jealousy, or self-criticism. I could not change my circumstances; I just made myself exhausted. (The idea of Radical Acceptance is one of the most important things I learned in therapy. You don’t have to LIKE your particular situation, but if you don’t accept it you’ll just be like the dog who keeps leaping against a closed door. You don’t get anywhere.)

      There are still spots of sadness in my heart about various Hoped-for Things That Did Not Happen, but my regrets don’t flare up daily or keep me too busy for other constructive and/or enjoyable activities.

      Good luck. Sorry for this cliched image, but I hope the sun comes out from behind the clouds for you soon.

  24. papapanda

    Its been two weeks since the company I had a great interview at said I’d hear back. I followed up twice, no response. I get I probably did not get the job, but it’s just common courtesy to respond to a follow up. I really wanted this gig too, so doubly GRRRRRR.

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