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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 293 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Karen Kane Sheath DressThe Bloomingdale's Friends & Family sale continues (through 4/7), with a lot of great things on sale, including this cute Karen Kane sheath dress. I like the high neckline, the cap sleeves, and the fun blue/brown/black/white print. I actually love it styled with brown shoes; I might add a long cardigan and a long gold necklace. It was $108, but is now marked to $49.14; use code FANDF at checkout to take another 20% off and bring it down to $40ish. Karen Kane Sheath Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

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Comments

    • Ellen

      +1 I agree!

      I love BLOOMIE’s and I love Fruegel Friday’s! Great selection, Kat! The high neckline is what I need to keep Frank and the Manageing partner from stareing at me, tho it may still be a LITTEL to tight in the tuchus for me. FOOEY!

      My dad did not like that the manageing partner want’s to make me a JUNIOR partner, like I said yesterday. He said for $30000, I should be a FULL partner b/c I do all the work myself. My dad also want’s to see the book’s before he shell’s out $30000. Dad says he think’s the manageing partner wants me to pay for his new BOAT, but I said that I did not think so, b/c Frank told me the firm has NEVER been on FIRMER FOOTEING!

      I can’t wait to get back to the City tomorrow. I am bored SILLY up here. Even tho workeing from home is very easy, there is NOTHING TO DO IN CHAPPAQUEA and I have SO much free time and I am getteing behind on my case review’s which are in the office. I have to file 2 breif’s by Tuesday, so that mean’s I either go in SUNDAY, or workeing my tuchus off on Monday. Because I want to go with Myrna to see her sister Sunday, and eat STEAK, it look’s like I will be workeing my tuchus off on Monday.

      Also, I have to figure out what to do about fish breathe. I get 2 text’s a day now with picture’s! I think he think’s we are dateing b/c he has never probabely had a girlfreind before and I have not told him to stop. I supose workeing for the park’s department, he has never dated a lawyer, but as a professieonal gal, I sure do have to put up with alot of stuff just b/c I am so nice. I also have to figure out what to do with Ed’s freind, b/c he I hope has marital possibieleitees, and I want a BABY soon!

  2. LackingLuster

    Has anyone else tried the Instyler? I bought the version that QVC sells on a whim last week. I’ve been using it all week and my hair has never looked so good. I can go three days without washing my hair with this thing.

    • 312

      Intriguing! Would love to hear what you like about it… especially as we enter into frizzy hair season!

    • LackingLuster

      It’s essentially a rotating curling iron where the clamp has bristles. The one from QVC (Milana, it’s called) is coated in ceramic. It essentially makes my hair (in between shoulders and chin, with layers) look like it does after a good blow-out with a round brush at the salon, with lots of volume and some bend at the ends of the layers. I have the 1.25 inch barrel, but it comes in .75 inch barrel as well. You comb a section of your hair smooth, clamp it between the barrel and the bristles, and it rotates as you move it along the hair. Then you just twist your wrist a little at the end if you want noticeable bend. It would probably be good for ladies who want straight hair without the flat, flat-iron look which just makes me look greasy. Because of the bristles and the rotation, there’s no crease. It comes with a training guard so you can get close to your scalp without burning your head. I don’t know about the original one, but I’ve bought from QVC before and they have a 30 day return policy, no questions asked, plus you can get it on 3 easy payments. From past experience, if you return it within 30 days, you have only paid the first payment. So you can test it for around $40 or so. It makes my hair very shiny. I don’t have curly hair, so I can’t speak to that, but I have a TON of hair, and I can do my whole head in about 10 minutes. It’s pretty forgiving. With 1 baby and 1 toddler, my minutes for doing hair in the morning are limited.

      • L

        I also have this and love it. It’s really amazing. I have curly hair and I like that it will still leave some curl but no frizz.

    • AnonAZ

      What is your hair like? I have fine but very curly hair, and have been a little skeptical of this thing, given that it otherwise takes a professional 90 minutes to blow my hair out straight.

      • LackingLuster

        My hair is thick with a bit of a wave if it dries naturally. For a salon blowout, it probably takes about 30 minutes. For an at-home blowout, 10-15, depending on how particular I’m being.

  3. Anonymous

    Anybody have a great idea for a hostess gift for a baby shower? I’ve received so many lame ones over the years, I’d really like to get an awesome one for my 7 hostesses. My budget is probably $30 or $40.

    • Anonny

      Well, since you think the gifts you got were lame, can you articulate why you think they were lame and use that as a guideline of what NOT to give?

      What would you have preferred to get? (Also, note that what you’d like to receive is not necessarily what other hostesses would like.)

      It also depends on whether you know these hostesses well (or not.)

      • Anonymous

        Well, sometimes it was jewelry that was totally obviously not my style, like they hadn’t even put a second worth of thought into it. One time I got a cheap notepad and a $5 Starbucks gift card. It’s mostly that the honoree didn’t think of my style at all or just bought something totally cheap and not that useful. I don’t want to sound ungrateful or greedy – that’s certainly not why I threw the shower. I just feel like by the time I am spending hundreds of dollars on the shower, you could do a little better than a $4 notepad and a $5 gift card.

    • Brant

      stuff I’d like:
      – truly heartfelt note- honestly, I’m not throwing you a shower because I want a tchotchke. I’m doing it because I love you and parties are fun. Maybe pair with a bottle of wine?
      – mani/pedi giftcard?
      – spa card, if it’s within budget
      – tickets to something? If this is your first baby, maybe invite all the hostesses (if they live close) to a ladies night type thing.

      stuff i would not like:
      – “i enjoyed my shower so hope you enjoy yours” themed basket of $40 shower stuff…UNLESS you happened to buy ultra luxe stuff you knew they’d like.
      – umbrella UNLESS you bought me a top of the line awesome one and I were a commuter lacking in umbrellas (which, as it happens, I am)
      – wristlet
      – most jewelry

        • NOLA

          Me, too! And I have 4 of them – one in my car, one in my house, one at the office, and one in my rainboot bag. Definitely not a big non-compact umbrella, though. So few people have space for those.

        • Jules

          Umbrellas are nice to have, and it would go with the theme. I’ve got a Galleria umbrella with a late 18th century Paris street scene and I am unreasonably happy to use it when it rains. It folds down but opens up to a good size. The same brand has some beautiful large flower prints; the prices are in the $25 dollar range for folding umbrellas (I also want the gerbera daisy one.) Link to follow.

          Re mani/pedi: I’ve never had either (and haven’t worn nail polish since maybe junior high) and wouldn’t use a gift card for those, although I know I’m in the minority. I also am sitting on a massage therapy gift certificate because the therapist’s office is too far and I keep forgetting around to it. If you do something like that, make sure your friends will want to use them.

      • Maddie Ross

        I did mani/pedi giftcards for my shower hostesses and I think they were well liked. I figured if nothing else, it wasn’t something they needed to store, wear or show off and if they really were uninterested in using it (and who among us couldn’t use a free pedi?), they could re-gift.

        • NOLA

          I’d always be happy to receive a mani/pedi giftcard, although I did have friends give me one for my birthday at a local spa and, whenever I called, I could never get an appointment. I finally gave up and spent the whole giftcard at the spa’s shop on Christmas presents.

      • Darby

        I love a mani pedi, but I have a very specific place I go for a basic one (in the price range you’re) talking about so I wouldn’t likely use a cert from a random place. Just a caution on what sounds like an actually useful/nice gift.

      • Anonymous

        I love a mani pedi, but I have a very specific place I go for a basic one (in the price range you’re) talking about so I wouldn’t likely use a cert from a random place. Just a caution on what sounds like an actually useful/nice gift.

    • Anon in NYC

      No experience with baby shower hostess gifts, but I gave personalized gifts to my wedding attendants specifically because I thought they’d appreciate that more than jewelry that wasn’t really their style (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’ve never worn any of the bridesmaid jewelry that I’ve received).

      So, here are some things that you could consider: a gift card to Starbucks or a french press for a coffee lover (similarly, a teapot and some loose tea for friends who prefer tea), a gift card to Amazon or Barnes & Noble for your friend with a Kindle/Nook who loves to read, an Edible Arrangement (I received one of these once and it was awesome), fancy lotions, bath salts or candles (only if you have a friend who is actually into that sort of thing), a gift card to a gym/spa that she likes (for example, if she likes spin classes you could give her a gift card to the studio she goes to)…

      Hope some of those work for you!

      • Brant

        This is what I did for my wedding attendants as well. The one that like cooking got a fancy knife for her gourmet set, the one that liked books got a kindle, one of the guys got premium cigars, one got a scotch sampling kit, brother got home brewing stuff, etc.

    • babyweight

      Personalized notecards. I love stationery and find it’s been a well received hostess gift.

      • Darby

        I love these. I saw some really pretty notecards that can be personalized on Rifle Paper Co ‘s site recently.

      • S

        Just as a counterpoint, I never use notecards and personalized stationery because I never send things by (snail) mail, preferring email or phone calls etc. – and so do my friends.
        I’m also very practical so usually dont appreciate aesthetic value in these kinds of things unless they are extremely functional. So this would not be a good gift for me.

        I think the lesson is that you really need to know your gift recipient(s).

    • mlc

      For my wedding shower I did pashminas for each of the hostesses- I picked a diff color for each that I thought fit their style. It went over very well.

    • TCFKAG

      So, I feel like a bit of a pusher, but this is another thing that Etsy can be good for. One really cool thing on there is you can get these really nice clutches that might all match on the outside but then have customized interior linings – like say if you were getting one for me you might get one with polka dotted lining. Or skulls. I don’t no – something fun and quirky that fits each woman’s personality?

      Fun way to get kind of matching but still customized gifts?

    • SA

      Some that I’ve loved:
      Candles, one friend gave me one for hosting her wedding shower, matches my decor and much more frou frou than I would pick but not breakable for my house of little kids. Another friend gave me a large jar candle also for hosting a wedding shower, but it was around the time my daughter was born and was the same color as her room and had a wonderful fruity smell

      Another friend gave me a set of 4 dessert plates from a trendy store. I would have never bought myself dessert plates and have been happy to have them

      Two other times I’ve gotten flowers delivered, once the day before the shower (fab because I used them as the table centerpiece) and once after, which did feel like a nice thank you.

      • notalawyer

        OTOH, as someone who does not care for scented products, any gifts of lotions, candles, etc. will go directly to Goodwill.

        I would like flowers however

  4. General Hospital

    Does anyone know what is typical of hospitals re relationships b/w co-workers (specifically dr in specialty area who interacts with but probably doesn’t directly supervise an ICU nurse)? There is some concern that one / both spouses of these two showing up on site (to verify “working late” claims — this has started a little bit) and making a scene and some indications that co-workers of the nurse may be making a complaint re her being absent from her station from time to time while being with the dr.

    I used to be involved with some HR functions (in a completely different industry though) enough to counsel one of these nitwits as to the myriad reasons to knock it off and instead of the whole moral issues, which is the province of other parties, a less inflammatory area I’d like to stress is that one / both of you may be disciplined or fired and/or have license issues and/or ruin your professional reputation in a small community. I will probably only have one good opportunity to do this and don’t want to say something that isn’t true or get my bluff called (does this stuff happen all the time?), but to me this has such a huge opportunity to blow up that I’d like to instill some white-knuckle fear in people before they both get sacked.

    • Anonny

      Maybe you need to let them carry on idiotically and get sacked.

      And then they’ll be a most illustrative object lesson to all the rest. Might be more effective that way.

      • KC

        It’s not clear to me, are you either of their supervisors? If not, I think this is the sort of scenario where you have to let the official HR/management channels do their thing. If it’s affecting your work product, document that, but otherwise I’d leave it to their individual supervisors to discuss their job performance with each individual.

    • mascot

      1) Spouses- ask them to leave nicely, ask them to leave again and involve security, ask them to leave via certified letter and indicate that the hospital will take action to ensure that they aren’t disruptive

      2) Speak to the nurse about being AWOL and what that means for her job performance reviews, if she continues to a problem, take the disciplinary action like you normally would. As for the physician, same thing. You don’t have to speculate as to what is going on, in fact you can say, look I don’t know is going on, but your job performance is suffering. If we fire you/take action against your privileges because of professional miscounduct , etc., that could follow you in the future so get your acts together.

      • mascot

        This assumes you actually have some sort of managerial responsibility for these folks. If not, jsut let their supervisor/HR handle this and stay out of it.

    • Anne Shirley

      If your job doesn’t require your dealing with this I’d avoid it with a 10 foot pole. Nothing good cones from inserting yourself into a dubious situation.

    • Healthcare finance professional...anon for this

      Most physicians are not employed by the hospitals where they have privileges so this is an HR issue for the nurse but a medical staff/credentialing issue for the physician (unless, of course, the physician is actually employed by the hospital).

      The supervisor of the nurse is really the one who is going to have to intervene with regard to this employee. There really aren’t any licensing issue with the nurse and, yes, this does seem to happen frequently.

      The biggest area of concern is with the physician. Physician licensing in our state looks at the physician as being in a position of influence over both patients and nurses and, as such, our state looks at this more seriously than just coworkers having a fling. We recently went through this at our facility and it resulted in a investigation of the physician. We haven’t rec’d the results of the investigation at this time.

    • frugal doc..

      Your post is odd…. Typically, there aren’t rules stating “no relationships allowed” among co-workers in the hospital. The ethics police don’t work there. Things like this happen all the time… especially among male docs and female nurses. It isn’t your business. This in no way threatens their ?licenses (what are you talking about…). Of course their co-workers likely know about it, and if people judge them poorly because of this, so be it. Again, this isn’t your business.

      If the nurse is neglecting her job, regardless of the reason, then of course her supervisor should be notified. This is a problem. An ICU nurse has critical responsibilities and negligence is utterly unacceptable. The reason for her negligence is irrelevant, although it may reflect badly on her personally.

      I strongly suggest you focus on your job performance, and not the social antics of others.

      • Anonymous

        Agree- at first I thought you were the HR person but then you said this- don’t want to say something that isn’t true or get my bluff called. Are you a supervisor? If you are just a coworker just stay the heck away from all that. Like said above, if something is affecting your work performance say something but it should be “Nurse A is not around when she needs to be” not “nurse a may be having an affair.”

      • Au contraire

        This is ripe for some sort of sexual harassment drama, which is why many places have rules against supervisors having relationships with underlings (usually it’s forbidden unless disclosed and then they re-arrange things so that evaluations, etc., are done by some one different).

        Bad scenario here: nurse’s co-workers get tired of covering for her and lodge a complaint with a supervisor who disciplines the nurse, who then claims that this was at the doctor’s insistence and who was she to resist since he’s in a position to affect her career (maybe not the case here, but the hospital’s GC and HR may not want to take that risk). Nurse still may get sacked / etc. and sue for wrongful discharge or for exposing her to the lecherous doctor. I predict nothing will happen to the doctor unless in the nurse’s absence something bad happens to a patient.

      • OP

        Ouch. Maybe I should tell the nurses to file their complaint and proceed with discliplinary action then? They were hoping they could scare the person straight and not go that far (it seems that this will blow something up that they were hoping would blow over).

        I wish sometimes that people wouldn’t burden me with things and would just follow official policies. Here, the potential fall-out is so much greater than what seems to have happened (but not with what might happen) that I think that is where the pausing is. Sort of like if a police officer can let you off with a warning you might escape a ticket?

        • Anonymous

          But are you the police officer, or are you just a bystander? That is what is confusing

        • TBK

          Why do you need to tell anyone anything? What’s your relationship to any of these people? Are you one of the nurses?

        • frugal doc..

          You should not be involved. If her co-workers say her work is impaired, they should report her or talk to her directly. But what you are describing really sounds like she is being judged more for the affair and the “potential fall-out” (what the heck…) then her work.

          If you really cared about her, you would not be trying to “scare her straight”. This all sounds bizarre and high school.

          This is a hospital. If patient’s lives are at stake… and this is in the ICU so patient’s lives could be at stake… she must be reported immediately. If you are not involved as a colleague or supervisor and you haven’t witnessed the neglect, you must instruct those who have to report their concern. If they are just gossiping about her and judging her, then I suspect they will hesitate to report her…. and happily ask you to take care of it. We still have no idea how you even relate to this scenario in the chain of command, which makes it all sound very bizarre.

    • Anonymous

      I think you should probably stay out of it, too. But I can see this creating workplace issues. For example, I work in an in-house legal department for a major company. One of the lawyers (female and married) started a relationship with one of the paralegals (also female). I don’t know the details, I just know from observation/rumor, etc. But I think it went south, and the paralegal left the job. She is a major loss to the department. The lawyer would have been less so in my opinion, and I think it would have been more appropriate for her to go, as the person in the superior role and who, I suspect, actually started the whole thing and also ended it. She’s obviously got a LOT of ethical issues, so I’m not surprised she didn’t do the right thing. But I do wish that some superior had gotten wind of this and fixed it so we could have kept the best paralegal we’ve ever had. I didn’t have enough info to say anything, though, and didn’t foresee the consequences.

      • anon for this...

        It is a tricky situation. You may worry about power dynamics, but in my experience working in hospitals for the past 20 years there are A LOT of young female nurses very eager to get involved with the doctors on the staff. This is very open, and can be quite incestuous within departments…. some more then others. Some of these women are very blatant about trying to catch a successful husband, and many are much younger then the men they pursue. Most are not naive, and know very well what they are doing. Some of them evolve into very successful and happy relationships. It is the way of the world when men are perceived as successful/financially well off/highly employable.

        While I avoid all relationships in the workplace because it has shown itself to be the smart thing to do as a woman when you want to be respected, my experience in medicine has also led me to be discouraged about what what my male peers are looking for in a relationship. In the vast majority of cases, it is not a female colleague that is their equal… but it is the less sophisticated young nurse. And sometimes, I don’t blame them. Sometimes I would love a young, supportive, less stressed out, doting “male nurse” to take care of me…. ;)

  5. anon

    After a lifetime of being a pear shape, I am apparently now an apple. Thank you, middle age. I don’t know how to dress for an apple shape. I ordered a cute wrap dress from Ann Taylor that I thought would be flattering, fitted at the waist, flared skirt, surplice wrap, and it looked awful on me, but it’s exactly the kind of style that would have flattered my old shape. Any tips on dressing to flatter an apple shape? I’ve actually lost weight, but only in my hips, my waist stayed the same size. I need to relearn all the rules, dang it.

    • Suzer

      I carry my weight at the waistline – hello love handles/muffin top!

      I like slim bottoms (ankle pants, skinny jeans, pencil skirts) with tops with volume – blouson, wedge sweaters, cocoon sweaters, flowy blouses, etc. I feel lucky that look is in right now. When the clingy top/wide leg pants look is in I really struggle.

      • Monica

        +1. I, too, am an apple. I have found that circle skirts (out of the office, of course), and straight leg pants with a heel flatter my shape. Structure is your friend, IMO.

    • Clearly Speaking

      Welcome to the age of” What The Hell Did Gravity Do To My Body?”

      Repeat this with me: Skim, skim, skim. Now is when clothing that just skims over the body is going to be your BFF.

      You want to avoid anything that is body conscious like the plague. On the other hand, anything that is bulky or adds volume will amplify the body like the dickens. A line skirts will be your friend. The hem can be as nearly slim as a straight skirt, but with flair that results from skimming over the bits best left camouflaged. The length will depend on your height, overall build, and if you still like your knees or not. Aiming for a slender spot – the knee or below the fullest part of your calf – will create the sleekest line.

      Flat front pants are a must. Preferably with a side of back opening. Again, we want to avoid adding bulk over the “menopot” so fly fronts, pleats, etc. are out. Ditto with high or very low waistlines. A slightly lower waist may work for your figure – this is an area you will have to experiment with to find that sweet spot that doesn’t make things look bigger than they are. Kendall Farr recommends about an inch or two below the belly button.

      Not tucking your tops in – if you do so now, you may have to learn to love them left out. Not too long on the length – you don’t want to create a horizontal like across the widest part of your tummy (or tush). Tunic (mid-thigh) length may be a bad idea, as well, as it may visually make your legs look shorter.

      Layering – a lighter color jacket over a darker top and bottom do something on the order of magic as far as creating a slender look. The top layer must skim, not add more bulk or width, to work, however. Anything that nips in just a little be at the waist (or where our waist used to be) will be best.

      And of course monochromatic dress, fluid fabrics (as opposed to bulky, tweedy ones), and when wearing pants, keeping pants, hose (if any) and shoes, about the same color creates a very long lean line.

      I am in the same boat and am learning to navigate this storm myself. This is just what I can think of off the top of my head. Google will reveal a lot more information, but there are some conflicts – like the wrap dress and empire waist. They are supposed to be “all that” but obviously, as your wrap dress demonstrated, not for everyone.

      hth

  6. Tall ankle/crop pants?

    Any tall ladies have tips on ankle or cropped pants that come in tall sizes? I love slim ankle pants but look like a dork when they’re too short. I need at least a 29-30″ inseam for ankle pants and right now can only find talls at gap.com. Any sightings?

    • mintberrycrunch

      I actually ordered some from Old Navy the other day and was pleasantly surprised at the weight of the material. The pair I ordered was too small, but I definitely think I’ll try a bigger size. I was surprised that they had so many options in Tall – I also ordered a maxi dress that was pretty nice for $25!

    • LLBMBA

      The J Crew Paley pant comes in tall. I am not tall, but ordered the tall anyways so that I could get them hemmed exactly where I wanted. It’s a dress pant though – not sure if that’s what you’re looking for.

    • Tall

      I sometimes find that buying regular slim pants in normal length works as “cropped” on me.

      • KC

        This is what I do for skinny pants. For a slightly more cropped dress pant, I like the JCrew cafe capris in tall (they come in some great bright colors).

    • anonypotamus

      I am tall (though don’t always need a tall size) and recently ordered the minnie pant in stretch twill from J.Crew in tall – it is a 29 inch inseam. Ideally I need about a 28in inseam, but this allows me to have it hemmed up rather than have my tailor struggle to let the regular ones out 2 inches. I think J.Crew has tall sizes in most of their pants, both causal and dress.

    • Pippi

      I buy talls at the following stores: Gap, Banana Republic, JCrew, Ann Taylor, Ann Taylor LOFT, Victoria’s Secret, Land’s End, JC Penney (lots of people don’t know that Penney’s has tall sizes in all sorts of things, like blazers and panty hose), and higher-end designer clothing tends to run tall.

  7. Haircolor help

    Considering getting blonde highlights for the first time and not sure what I should be looking for in a stylist. Or what happens during the coloring and how to take care of it afterwards. Can anyone share their experiences?

    I have light blonde hair but it is naturally dark at the roots and underneath near my neck. Will highlights help it lighten it up while still natural looking? I am absolutely don’t want any stripes or obvious chunks of color!

    • layered bob

      I also have blonde hair with a dark underlayer. I do balayage, which helps with the stripes/chunks problem inherent in highlights. It’s expensive but it grows out really well and looks, as far as I can tell, really natural if I tell my colorist to use a light touch. Definitely recommend.

    • PollyD

      When I started getting highlights (and it sounds like my hair color is similar to yours) I was honest with my stylist and told her I did not want to have to come in every few weeks for touch-ups. So she gives me very, very thin highlights that look very natural and grow out almost invisibly. In the past couple of years she’s also started doing “lowlights,” which I guess is darker color, and it really makes my hair look good. Still blonde, but with more dimension and it also looks thicker.

      So, be honest about what you’re willing to do for upkeep and be open to suggestions. Do be aware, though, that red dye tends to fade out very quickly. Something about the red dye molecule being too large to penetrate the hair shaft well (my stylist is very scholarly and I have a science background, so we talk about these things). She mixes in some red highlights from time to time, which is nice, but I don’t go for those that often because of the fading issue.

    • ems

      I definitely recommend balayage as well. I believe it translates to “hair painting”. I will never go back to traditional foil highlights; the bayalage looks so natural. I usually get a partial balayage and it lasts me about 4 months. Just make sure your stylists has been trained in the technique.

  9. Lauren

    Embarrassing question for all you NYCers…

    Where can I buy a fake Goyard tote bag in NYC .. similar to this http://www.justjared.com/photo-gallery/1159001/hilary-duff-goyard-01/

    I’ve never bought a fake bag and yes I know all the terrible things they do and how bad it is to buy them. But I need this bag for a present for my sister. Almost like an inside joke. She will obviously know it is fake and I do not have thousand of dollars to spend.

    So anyone know specific places in NYC I can find this? And yes, I know I am horrible person for buying fake.

    • Anne Shirley

      Walk along 5th between 40th and 30th on a Saturday and swing by the Manhattan Mall- always a ridic amount of sidewalk vendors in the hearld square zone.

    • Anonymous

      Canal Street (or as the high school girls I tutored called it “Chanel Street”). You may have to hit a few places to find something that specific, but you’ll probably find it. Places with backrooms (while sketchy — remember you’re committing an internationally illegal act) usually have higher quality and more variety.

    • Anonny

      You don’t *need* this bag for your sister, and your sister doesn’t *need* this bag.

      I get that it’s an inside joke thing, but let’s not exaggerate the importance of this questionable purchase.

        • Anonymous

          Alright- you are the one asking for illegal shopping advice. I don’t think its mean for her to point out that you don’t need it, you want it. You were trying to head off all the comments about how you shouldn’t do it by saying you need it-but you don’t you just want it.

          • Susie

            You were smart to hide behind an Anonymous handle because you are absolutely wrong here. Buying a knock off purse is not illegal (selling may be, not buying.) The quality may not be the same but nothing wrong with buying a fake for occasional or limited time use!

          • cathy

            Actually this site doesn’t save names anymore. But there is tons and tons wrong with buying a fake. You are participating in an illegal shopping experience (no it doesn’t mean you can be thrown in jail, but you are buying from someone who is committing a crime.) Honestly- its obviously not the worst thing in the world. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with pointing out you dont “need” to buy a fake

  10. preg anon

    My insurance company doesn’t cover the 20-week ultrasound, which my doctor requires. That is BS, in my opinion. Is it worth disputing it because of medical necessity, even though the plan says they don’t cover it?

    • Violet's Fan

      I’ve never heard of an insurance company not covering the first ultra sound. (I’ve heard of them denying coverage for second and third, etc. without pre-certification.) I think it’s completely reasonable to do what you can to get them to cover it. Those things are expensive and it’s worth a shot!

    • Coalea

      No idea how an insurance company might rule regarding an ultrasound, but the 2 times I had doctors provide letters of medical necessity for things (blood test, medication), the company still declined coverage.

    • Anonymous

      i had aetna with baby no 1 and it was covered (obviously policies are different . . . ) so yes, its worth disputing.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Fight, Fight, Fight, even if your time is worth more than the money. It is the only way things get changed. My insurance denied a medicine that was medically necessary for me. They wanted me on another generic that had already failed me. The funny thing was, that generic they wanted me on was 2 times more expensive than the one they were denying that worked. I fought through several appeals processes all the while paying out of pocket for it. I won, got my money back and the drug is now approved not just for me but for everyone else in the state.

      So many people don’t have the ability (intellectually, personality, time wise) to fight insurance companies. I feel like those of us that do, that realize they are doing something wrong, have a duty to fight it for us and everybody else. If the fighting starts to impact your own health, by all means, let it go if you can afford to. But, if you are healthy enough to fight it, I really think it is worth it.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          One other idea – if your policy is through your employer, get your agent and HR person fighting for you if you are willing to have them know the situation. In mine my HR person was so appalled that he told our agent that if the company didn’t fix this situation (and a few situations other coworkers were having) that our company would be finding a new insurer when the contract was up. The agent then got scared he was going to lose our business too and also put the pressure on the company. The more people in your corner complaining, the more likely it is you get a better outcome.

          Also, save the threat to report them to the state insurance commission as an absolute last resort. Once you threaten that, they will probably get their lawyers involved and stop talking to you.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          My first sentence apparently disappeared from my post. Weird. Anyways, I said thanks. :)

    • Maddie Ross

      Talk to your doctor about this. My insurance only covers one ultrasound a pregnancy and since I’d previously had a loss, my doctor insisted on doing an early dating ultrasound at 7 weeks (and frankly, I would have paid any amount out of pocket at that point to quench my anxiety), but he wrote a specific prescription for my anatomy scan ultrasound to have it covered. They have state it’s a medical necessity and give it special coding, as opposed to just a normal scan, and then there’s a better chance of coverage.

    • EB0220

      Weird – that is the big, important anatomy u/s. Did they already cover one earlier?

    • JJ

      Definitely fight this. The 20-week anatomy scan ultrasound is used to determine long term viability and to make sure everything is developing correctly. As far as I know (based on anecdata), it’s routinely covered by insurers. I would have your doctor provide a medical necessity letter and see if that gets you anywhere.

    • Brant

      Is it how the provider bills the u/s? If it’s billed as a “checkup” vs “anatomy scan to check for neural tube defects” it may get rejected.

      I used to work for Aetna’s medical management department. The anatomy scan is standard care and it SHOCKS me that your policy won’t cover it. Any reason that might be–like you’ve had a bunch before and hit your limit? Even policies that ONLY cover one u/s cover the anatomy scan–that’s the “one”.

      • Brant

        should add, regardless of the situation, get your DR to do a medical necessity pre-auth. get a case manager at Aetna. Get a full copy of your policy and see what it says for maternity benefits–most policies just say “standard care” and you have to push to find out what that is. Be a pain in the you-know-what. What you’re asking for as not unreasonable, unless there are details you haven’t shared.

        Also–how did you find out? Was the scan done and rejected? If so, your options are a bit different since you’re now fighting for coverage retroactively.

      • hoola hoopa

        I was also thinking that this is probably a error in billing, either code or timing. Call Aetna and find out why it was denied, then have the doctor revise the charge.

    • Kim Kelly

      That is ridiculous. As someone above pointed out, the 20-week ultrasound is when you look to determine appropriate skeletal and organ development, and it is a standard of care. Your doc’s office (or employee assistance program) could maybe contact insurance for you?

  11. anonymous

    Hi wavy-haired Corporettes! Does anyone have any shampoo/conditioner recommendations for dry, wavy hair? I usually use Aveda’s Go Curly line, but am trying to pinch more pennies if I can.

    • rosie

      Costco’s own brand of shampoo and conditioner. It’s sulfate free, not tested on animals, and smells and works great. I have a lot of thick, curly/wavy hair that can be on the dry side. I think it is $7-9 for a big bottle.

    • CKB

      My hair is curly – but loose curls that do not last to second day hair. I use all drugstore, inexpensive products in my hair. First, my shampoo which I only use every other day is Live Clean moisturizing shampoo ($8)- I’m not sure if this is only in Canada? On the days I don’t use shampoo I ‘wash’ my hair with Suave naturals conditioner ($1). I have 2 conditioners that I alternate – Aussie Moist ($4) and Garnier Fructis for color treated hair ($4). Finally, for styling I use equal amounts of the Suave conditioner and Garnier Fructis styling cream, which is a little heavy for my hair (thus the conditioner added to it). Nothing I use costs more than $10, and it works for me.

      I’ve found with curly hair it does take a lot of trial & error to find products that work, and then sometimes they stop working for no apparent reason.

    • SJ

      I actually didn’t like the CostCo stuff but I have a crazy sensitive nose. I use Tresemme Naturals Moisture shampoo and Redken Fresh Curls conditioner. I bought some liters of Redken for CHEAP but I’m thinking when I run out, I’ll try the Tresemme conditioner too. I think the I paid $6 at Target for the shampoo?

  12. Anon for this

    Regular commenter going anon for this. I’m a relatively junior in house lawyer who moved to a new department in my company within the year. My department consists of my boss, a lawyer who is in charge of a variety of functions, my coworker, who is not a lawyer but is extremely experienced in my new specialty area, and myself, who officially has one specialty but also works on a variety of other projects. My coworker and I work together pretty extensively, and she was the primary person who trained me on my new specialty (no previous experience).

    We have been working on a project which has dragged on for quite some time, due to the business team. Originally we were doing separate contracts from Product A (me) and Product B (coworker), but they were then merged into one contract (mine) and she would send me the changes to her terms. Whether by design or oversight, I have not always been included in project conference calls that would have been informative but not directly relevant to my duties. Yesterday my coworker told me that CW and Boss were on a call yesterday where major project changes were announced. Boss asked CW to work with business team to finish the contract based on call, and asked me to let her know if anyone asks me for further changes so that she can coordinate it. I kind of feel like Boss has cut me out of the contract or that this means that my boss doesn’t think that my performance was adequate, but it could also be b/c CW has tons of experience in this area and therefore knows what we’ve done in the past. How should I react? Should I say something to Boss and/or CW or ask either why I’ve been demoted from project?

    I am not in the same location as either, so any communication would be via phone or email. I’m also on a call with CW and business team this afternoon, and will have more clarification about the business changes then.

    • Susie

      I’m also pretty junior, in-house in a new specialty group. I find that I do sometimes get pulled into projects for some portion but do not participate in all meetings. My boss (who I have the advantage of working in the same office with) is pretty clear about the learning curve/expectations and my career progression. I wouldn’t be too concerned if this is the first time this has happened. I would just email my part of the project to your CW with a note saying let me know if you need anything further from me.

  13. Matilda

    You guys. My Amazon package full of Iron Fist shoes came last night, and I now own a pair of peep-toe heels with ribbons and TEETH. I am so FREAKING EXCITED.

    I am also going to break an ankle, but so. worth. it.

    In other news, I’m trying to avoid doing too much soul searching into why the first recommendation I’ve bought from this site was an April Fools’ joke…

    Happy Friday.

    • TCFKAG

      I believe the reason is because you’re awesome. And can move chalk with your brain and no one gets to question what shoes are on your feet.

      If I saw someone on the street with those shoes from April 1 I’d probably tackle them and give them a hug – but I’m notably strange.

      • Matilda

        I’d hug you back. :-)

        Seriously, I’m going to wear them to a roller derby after-party this weekend, and I cannot WAIT. (Except that now I have to fit a pedicure into my schedule someplace.)

      • Jules

        Well, you have to love a post that includes the phrase “roller derby after-party.”

          • Matilda

            Thanks. :-) Seriously, go to a roller derby bout — after-parties seem to be universal, and the audience is usually invited. It’s a good time!

  14. Today is a good day

    We often spend a lot of time on this site addressing topics/seeking advice about problems. Well, today I am simply posting about my happiness. Today is a good day. Its friday, my birthday, and i’m temporarily lifting my months long shopping bad to anjoy an afternoon with a nordie’s personal stylist. Having dinner with friends and a weekend with family. My kids got me beautiful flowers and my husband got me beautiful jewlry (both unexpected!) Work is picking up and, while i miss my family (parents and brother/SIL/niece) that lives far away, life is very good right now.

    • Anon in NYC

      Great! I love hearing about other people’s happiness. I’m going through a good period too. Work has slowed down for me, which means that I can see my husband and dog, exercise, take the time to prepare healthy food, read books, and watch tv. I’m very content at the moment, which is a wonderful feeling.

        • Anon in NYC

          She’s a mutt that looks like a teddy bear. I’m flipping back and forth between re-reading Harry Potter for the umpteenth time and also a book that Sydney Bristow recommended on here (The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women). I just bought Lean In and the Defining Decade as well, so those are next on my list. I guess I’m feeling a little introspective these days!

    • NOLA

      This is awesome. So good to hear about things going right. Have fun and happy birthday!

    • Cb

      Happy Birthday too you! What a nice day to spend your Friday! I had a bit of a rough day and spent the afternoon wandering through the shops just to give myself a bit of a break.

    • PHL Anon

      Thanks for posting this – it is a great reminder to stop and enjoy the good things in life. It sounds like you have a wonderful weekend ahead. Happy Birthday!

    • Me Too

      Girl, today IS a good day! I was feeling really happy this morning too, so I am glad that you are also! Happy birthday to you!

      I’m feeling happy because I’m wearing a dress that looks really cute, my husband who is lawyer just closed two deals so now he doesn’t have to work this weekend for the first time in a while, I’m on the verge of making a positive job switch, and I just feel really good about everything today! Yay for us!

      • Today is a good day

        This is fantastic. I realized not too long ago (sometime between baby no. 2 and my mom getting sick i think) that taking time to “smell the roses” or enjoy the small things (or insert your own cliche) really does help. For me, it has helped my enjoy the good days much more, but more importantly, it also has helped make the bad days much easier to handle. Even a picture or something to remind me of a good day or happy place often does the trick, if only for a minute or so.

      • CKB

        I’m having a great day today too – got final travel approval for training I was invited to in Paris, and I convinced dh to let me stay one extra day for sightseeing (he works, and we have 3 kids, so this is very generous of him. If it wasn’t Paris I wouldn’t have even thought about staying another night).

        Not to mention it’s Friday & in 10 days we’re going to Disneyland for a family trip.

        Now, if the sun would shine it would be pretty much a perfect weekend.

    • Anonny

      I’m delighted for you! What a lovely post. My hope is for everyone to feel a bit of happiness today.

    • S

      Happy birthday! Today is my toddler’s second birthday! It feels like an important day for ME and reminds me of all the things in my life that have changed for the better in the last two years.

      I woke up today in a bad mood because of not getting enough sleep, being sick, and my DH waking me up from deep sleep to ask a question that could have waited till morning (AND extended the conversation with “how are you feeling?”)! But your post makes me feel a little less grumpy and better about the day, thanks. :)

  15. Anonymous

    I have the stomach flu, but I had to come into work this morning for meetings that have been scheduled for months. I feel so awful and I’ve already taken a bunch of OTC stuff, but I still feel absolutely terrible. And I haven’t eaten/been able to keep anything down since Wednesday afternoon, so I think I feel even worse. Any tips to get through my morning?

    • Leigh

      If you can, try to drink a little Gatorade or water. Part of your feeling horrible may have to do with dehydration. I went through a month where I couldn’t keep anything down (lost 20 lbs in one month), and the only thing that saved me was eating saltine crackers, drinking water, Gatorade type drinks and 7-up/Sprite/Sierra Mist. I consumed those things knowing they would probably come back up, but it usually helped the nausea abate for a while and I was able to stay hydrated.

      Obviously you know your body better, but I think sipping on something to keep you hydrated may help.

    • O.

      I was in this same situation earlier this week. It sucks. If you have time, go to the doctor and get a Zofran injection. It relieved my nausea very quickly. Hope you feel better soon!

    • SA

      Hugs. I think I have strep. Super sore throat, body aches, fever and glands that are bigger than my jaw. I was planning to go visit some clients today but emailed my boss that I was sick and would do it Monday. She replied very snottily (well on email, but I take everything from her to be very snotty) Are you taking PTO? I’m not. I have too much work to do, and I work from home. Argh. I should have said nothing.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      You need electrolytes but the sugar in Gatorade is likely to make you feel worse. Get the clear, unflavored, name brand Pedialyte and try to drink a whole bottle (slowly) today. Generic is fine if it is all you can find but I think the unflavored name brand tastes better.

      You can take over the counter less drowsy Dramamine to help fight the nausea if you can’t make it to the doctor today.

      Try buying full fat, full sodium broth, microwaving it and sipping it out of a cup. You want to find a way to get some calories, fat, sodium and sugar into your body without actually eating.

      If you can hold that down, try applesauce and smushed up bananas.

    • ohc

      I had food poisoning earlier this week and am at my first day back to work today. Seriously considering giving up and going home–I just feel too weak/nauseous/not myself to do anything. Any chance you can leave once the meetings are done, or is it an all-day commitment?

      If you’re stuck for the day, agreed on hydration. Keep yourself warm, too. Good luck–feel better!

      • Anonymous

        Success! Meetings are over, I’m heading home to my bed and some apple juice and saltines. Ugh.

    • Anon

      Nausea meds from the doctor made a world of difference for me when I had the stomach flu this winter. For electrolytes, Powerade Zero doesn’t have any sugar so that worked for me. Sugar will not do you any favors in minimizing the oh so pleasant side effects of the stomach flu. My stomach doesn’t handle sweet drinks well anyway (even artificial sweetener) so I watered it down to only 25-50% Powerade and it still helped. Whatever you do, you need fluids fluids fluids!!

    • Anon

      Please stay home. You are probably contagious. I doubt you are so important that you can’t miss the meeting or call into it. This behavior drives me batty.

  16. Cb

    I’d like to do an office treat on Monday before heading off on holiday. Anything you’ve made recently that was particularly delicious? Need to feed about 20 people?

  17. TCFKAG

    So – ever since that article was in the Princeton whatever about how college girls should nail down men in college because god forbid they wait until after college to meet a man (or whatever) – I have seen article after article in every major and many minor news sources about how women should or shouldn’t marry young. And it has just been driving me furiouser and furiouser (I know – not a word). Because god forbid we measure our lives by things other than our marital choices. Why is this something that this much digital ink needs to be spilt over? I haven’t seen a single article over whether MEN should marry young or not – because of course men are defined by so much more than the success or failure of their romantic lives.

    (Note – I actually don’t have a hard or fast opinion on early versus later marriage. I think they can be successful either way. And I think people can have successful careers either way. Though I certainly think the idea that the only way for a “smart” woman to lock down a man her “equal” is to get him in college is a load of bull. But that’s neither here nor there.)

    Okay – rant over. Maybe. For now.

    • Anonymous

      It’s interesting – I got married young, a year after college, and I know so many of my friends who are having a hard time finding a guy out of college, particularly lawyer friends, even though that’s what they really really want. I think there are a couple of facts here that are indisputable: women who want to have children do not have the same timeline as men, and it is easier to meet a man in college than after college, simply based on availability and the time to devote to it. Now, I don’t think you should rush into anything, or feel like if you didn’t meet him in college, it’s too late. But I do think women shouldn’t necessarily have the attitude, oh I’m young, I just want to have fun, I am not ready to settle down, I’m just messing right now, etc. Because you don’t want to miss something that could be great. It’s not like you need to have finding a man at the top of your list, but you don’t want to be closed off to the possibility and then regret it.

      Does that make sense?

      • Equity's Darling

        I think the frustrating part for me is that it is annoying that women’s lifestyles seem to be the most common target for social commentary recently- between lean-in and Princeton mom, I’m failing on so many levels, even though I’m a 25 year old lawyer with a good job and lots of potential (and a slaming nail polish collection, if I do say so myself), and thus ostensibly, nothing is wrong with me or my life (at least so far).

        But with this commentary, I feel so anxious that I’m a) single, and b) not “leaning-in” to a sufficient degree. Most men my age, on the other hand, are coasting along, and would be told to have fun and enjoy their youth, if they were in my situation. Which is partially why none of the men that I meet who are within 3 years of my age are dateable. Why does the social conversation get to make me feel like crap while guys don’t get the same pressure?

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, I see your point for sure. It sucks. Every decision by a woman gets judged. I’ve had friends tell me they couldn’t have gotten married when I did because they would have missed out on all the fun things in life. My husband and I have travelled the world, gone out with friends, both gotten professional degrees, etc. I don’t really see what I’ve missed, and I thought that was pretty judgmental and rude.

          I met a great guy when I was young, and I saw no point in waiting. We are still crazy about each other. The fact is that you should get married when you meet the right guy. My comment above was just about people who will ignore the right guy when he’s standing in front of them because of some sense that they have forever to get married.

          • Carol

            Do you know people who’ve actually lived by the creed of time-for-fun-not-ready-to-settle? Because I don’t. I can’t think of a single person I know who, if they met someone with whom they could have a long-term relationship, would decide not to enter into that relationship because “it wasn’t the right time.” I don’t know anyone who dumped an SO because they “wanted to play the field.” I know only people who haven’t met the right person, and people who were in long-term relationships that faded rather than stayed strong, hence ending in singledom rather than marriage. I’m glad your college sweetheart worked out for you, but most people’s don’t. (And for what it’s worth, my parents didn’t meet in college, and neither did any of my aunts and uncles, or even my grandparents, for that matter. And yet there are a f*ckload of cousins today, and plenty of happy marriages.)

            Personally, I certainly dated in college, but I didn’t meet someone I thought I could marry until I was 24. We got married at 28 (two years of dating, one year of living together, one year of wedding-planning). Is that late? Should I have just married the best guy I could find at my alma mater? And what if I hadn’t met this guy, and I were still looking. Would I have done something wrong?

            Yeah, there are benefits to getting married on the earlier side. But just because you want it really badly doesn’t mean you’ll get it. And just because you didn’t get it doesn’t mean you did something wrong. (And if you don’t want it, that doesn’t mean you’ve made a bad or wrong decision.)

            In conclusion, I will just note that women who have their own careers and marry on the later side (31 rather than 21) are more likely to stay married than those who marry earlier and don’t have careers.

          • Em

            Carol, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about this discussion. I don’t know any women who met someone they believed they’d be happy with and didn’t marry him (or her) because they didn’t want to get married yet. (I do know women who married people they didn’t think they’d be happy with – and weren’t – because they felt like they should.) The people I know, myself included, decided they’d rather be single, and then make their best efforts to enjoy their lives as single, then marry someone who they didn’t think as right for them. I think that’s a choice that’s threatening to some people, and that’s the genesis for these articles rather than the actual reality of the situation.

          • Anon

            I don’t think it’s that people aren’t marrying guys that they would already see themselves being happy with and marrying. I know a lot of girls who dated all through college, but kept it very very casual, because that’s what they thought the hookup culture required/they thought that showed their independence. A lot of my friends in college kept their relationships casual enough that they never would have reached the point of being like wow, i want to build a life with this person. It’s not at the point of marriage that I saw girls pushing it away, but at the stage of an early relationship where they felt like they weren’t “supposed” to settle down with one guy when they’re 20.

          • 23 in DC

            I agree with Anon. I recently graduated college, and almost all of my females friends were committed to keeping things more or less casual while in college. I have 4 best friends from high school, and 3 of them still probably wouldn’t be caught dead in a relationship for longer than 6 months. Most of my female friends have gone on to take high stress, high pay jobs right out of school and all they want to do on the weekends is watch tv and maybe make out with some guy they’ll never see again on the dance floor.

            I personally just broke up with a very marryable guy because I wasn’t ready for anything that serious and wanted to “play the field” more. I find this attitude very common in my more successful, attractive female friends. Either (or maybe both) that they want to spend some time having fun and dating different guys and/or that they just don’t make the time to date/look for eligible guys.

          • Anonymous

            I got married right out of college, at 22, and am glad I did, because my husband was the right person for me (we’ve been married 15 years now). But at the time, I did feel like maybe I was getting married too young, and had some regrets and “what-ifs.” If I hadn’t been absolutely, totally, crazy-in-love with my husband, and hadn’t felt like he was “the one,” I wouldn’t have gotten married. I think what bothers me about the whole “find a husband in college” argument is that there’s an implication that it’s “now or never” for 21- and 22-year-old girls, most of whom are mentally not ready to make that kind of commitment, and I am afraid some young women might choose to settle for someone they think is OK, because they’re afraid they won’t find a partner later. Maybe that doesn’t happen, and if that is the case, I’m glad.

            From the perspective of the late-thirties professional woman, here’s what I see. The vast majority of my friends from high school who knew in high school that they wanted to get married and/or had kids, did so. Few of us got married straight out of college – for most, marriage happened about five to seven years after college graduation. (I didn’t see many women have trouble meeting men after college, although I think the pool does get smaller – but that’s also dependent on whether or not you are “out there” doing things where you can meet people, or you’re going to work and then going home.) There are some women I knew in high school who are not married, who have said they would like to be if they could find the right person. But they have very full lives, high-profile jobs, they travel, they have friends, etc. and the attitude seems to be, if it happens, it happens. Their lives don’t look bleak to me at all. I think if I was looking at a woman who had gotten married to someone she was lukewarm about at 22 out of fear, and realized years later she married the wrong person for the wrong reasons, THAT would look bleak.

            And to another poster’s point – yes, I am tired of the endless commenting on the personal choices of women. Lean in or don’t. Get married or don’t. Have kids or don’t. Stay home with your kids, or don’t. These are all individual choices and no one else’s business! And what worked for one overprivileged woman may not necessarily work for all women. I think what women really need is for know-it-all loudmouths to shut up, already, and let people live their own lives.

        • Orangerie

          + a million to this.

          Maybe if there were more articles urging men to settle down in their late 20s, it wouldn’t be so hard for smart, successful young women to find someone eligible to settle down with.

        • wintergreen126

          ” I feel so anxious that I’m a) single, and b) not “leaning-in” to a sufficient degree. ”

          This. I’m 27, and I feel the same way. I remember a girl I met on floor my freshman year of college. We were introducing ourselves, and I asked her what her major was. I don’t remember her answer because what stuck out in my mind was what she followed up with: “But, really, I’m here to get my MRS.” I really didn’t think anyone actually thought that way anymore. Then this Princeton mom’s editorial showed up, and I don’t understand WHY anyone would want women to be thinking like this.

          • Anonymous

            A lot of women still do think this way, most of them are polished enough to not openly admit it, though. Let’s face it– look at the work world. It’s kind of grim:

            (1) There are crappy McJobs. You work hard, you get paid crap. Not really a living wage, too.

            (2) There are crappy non-McJobs. They pay a little bit better than living wage, but they’re kind of unpleasant and not interesting.

            (3) There are some great jobs that also take up the majority of your waking hours.

            Most of us who end up in (3) know it could be worse, but haven’t yet found the unicorn that’s a great job that doesn’t suck up all of our mental energy in our waking hours. So, of course, some women, if they think the odds are they’re likely to only be able to land (1) or (2), suddenly, wh**ing themselves out to some man who makes a lot of money can seem less crappy than (1) and (2). Plus, there will always be a core group of traditionalists who will applaud their “choice.”

            It’s always easier to let someone else go out into the hard world and earn money for you. He’s the one dealing with the evil boss, backstabby coworkers, he’s the one staffed on a project with all the responsibility and no power over the other people on the project, etc. Whereas she can rule over the household staff (if there are any), and the children, who obviously are under her authority.

      • Bewitched

        In my case, it was also indisputable that I did not meet a single guy in college who I would have considered for a long term relationship, much less marriage. Maybe it was my school, maybe it’s the fact that women usually mature earlier than men, maybe it was the weather but you know, there’s also the possibility that college doesn’t present you with viable options. I did have a long term relationship in law school, but it didn’t work out, largely because I was ready for marriage and my bf wasn’t. So, these articles make me nutty too since they just presume that the ideal guy is out there and we are somehow ignoring him during college/law school, which is not always the case.

      • a.

        Um, I would have been happy to meet my future husband in college, but it didn’t happen. I had two serious boyfriends, so it’s not as if I was chasing away every man who expressed interest in me with my twin shotguns Career and I’m Just Having Fun…but nothing worked out longer-term than graduation.

        That’s what irks me so much about all this hoopla. It’s not like I (or any other young woman) (or young man, but who’s talking about them) has the ability to point at a college classmate and declare, “Lo, we shall be man and wife!” Maybe it’s easier to meet men in college, and maybe it isn’t, but if you don’t meet the right person in college, you can’t do too much about it. And IDK if it’s a few more years of maturity on my part or what, but my two post-college boyfriends have been head and shoulders above the two college ones in quality, decency, and compatibility.

        • cbackson

          I love this comment and agree wholeheartedly. Fraternity Row at my college was not exactly full of disappointed and rejected young men, slinking away from failed proposals with unwanted Tiffany boxes clutched in their hands.

          • January

            +2. Part of me wonders if the author of the original Princeton letter is just worried that her son at Princeton — whose universe of women he can marry is limitless (!), let’s not forget — hasn’t brought home anyone serious yet.

      • Anonymous

        The problem with my college was that the men weren’t interested in dating, or marriage, or women.

        Then I moved to NYC where the only men interested in marriage/dating were 35-50 years old trying to date 23 year olds. Sigh.

    • PollyD

      This: ” haven’t seen a single article over whether MEN should marry young or not”

      I get so irritated with those types of articles because it seems like they put it all on the woman! I don’t know a single woman who didn’t want to get married when she was asked! I do know lots of women who linger(ed) in long term relationships because the man didn’t want to get married.

      I’d pay good money to see some articles convincing men that they should get married young because then their sperm is healthier and they’ll have healthier babies and be able to play with their kids more vigorously, etc etc. I think these authors live in some strange alternate universe where all women are constantly being asked to get married and the only reason they are not is because they refused. Or are too picky – I love that hypothesis, too. As if men also weren’t picky about who they married, although interestingly sometimes in the opposite direction. I have known several men who are intimidated by successful women and would really rather have someone who doesn’t challenge them, intellectually or financially. Write about that, NYT!!

      • Anon

        I was asked when I was 19 and said no, and we broke up a short time later. This sort of sounds as though if you’re in a relationship and the guy asks you to marry him, that its wrong to say no. I was young, new to relationships and dating (having grown up in a single parent household, it was all foreign to me), and knew that if I had to choose right then, I’d rather be single than marry someone I wasn’t sure about. Could it possibly have worked? Maybe. But I doubt it. Does that mean I was running around “chasing away every man who expressed interest in me with my twin shotguns Career and I’m Just Having Fun” (Thanks, a- I love love love this quote!)? No.

    • Anonny

      A lot of digital ink gets spilled because women’s roles are still very much in transition.

      Transition means there’s going to be a lot of people moving in a lot of different directions. With a lot of competing agendas. Plus a lot of noisy people wanting validation for whatever choices they make.

      There are some people who are legitimately threatened by the progress that women have made and want to nip at women’s heels and sow the seeds of doubt. They’re really uncomfortable with the idea that a woman can find fulfillment in ways other than just focusing on marriage and children. There are some men who correctly recognize that if they could get 50% of the population (women) to all drop out of the workplace, the competition for the best jobs would be well, less competitive and statistically, there’d just be fewer applicants vying for the same job.

      There are also some women who have chosen a traditional role and if that’s what they want, that’s what they want, but a small, very vocal number seem to also want to be patted on the head for it. I think they also perceive that other women are getting some praise/kudos for making different choices, and I don’t think it sits well with some of the traditionalists.

      And when they’re not getting enough head-pats, they take to the editorials to write doom-and-gloom predictions full of sexist, outdated nonsense, plus some dash of essentialist ideas that “men are always hard-wired to do X” and “women are always hard-wired to do Y” one-size fits all crap.

      The people who are truly happy with their personal choices will probably, if asked, talk about them, but they’re generally quietly enjoying their lives, not proselytizing.

    • Yellow

      I think it’s a really interesting article. I met my husband my freshman year and married him two years after I graduated from college. The entire time we were dating, I had friends, family friends, and even some relatives constantly telling me that we shouldn’t be so serious, this is the time in your life to experiment, you don’t know what you want yet so how could you pick a person, etc. It was like they were trying to talk me into letting go of something that was wonderful just because it didn’t fit with their idea of the self-awareness that a 19 year old could have.

      I think the idea that 20somethings are always trainwrecks who can’t make good choices is really damaging and is gaining ground. It’s great people can experiment with partners, career paths, etc. if they’re not sure what they want, but I feel like my generation has started hearing these voices that you can’t make a decision until you’ve literally tried all the options. But you’ll never be able to try everything, so the process of elimination (taken the extreme) can’t work. I have friends who pushed all these great guys away in college because they weren’t looking for anything serious and had bought into the hookup culture, and now they’re panicking and much more likely to settle for a less than ideal relationship because they want kids soon.

      I’m not pretending I know everything about how this will turn out, because my marriage is still young and who knows what the future holds, but I think it’s crazy when I hear people say your 20s is too young to know what you want/who you’ll spend your life with. The best part about marrying someone so young was that we both obviously know that we’re going to be growing and changing over the course of our relationship and we are so excited to get to grow together. Some of the relationships that I’ve seen with older friends hit a bump because they seem surprised when the other person is growing and changing. But you’re never done with that! Just because you married someone at 35 or 40 doesn’t mean that they’re going to stay the same forever!

      • YES!

        + a million. In your same boat. Got the same “advice” from people. Some of those people are still single and panicking and can’t meet anyone.

    • frugal doc..

      Yup… annoying.

      btw, all of my friends who got married very young… to their elite college sweethearts… are divorced. Every single one. That says something.

      btw, all of my friends who got married a bit older to their elite graduate school sweetheart (most marriages closer to age 26-30) are still married. That says something.

      I do agree that when you are young, and at these elite schools, you have social opportunities and exposure to interesting and talented people that is unlike any other time of your life. It is great. Not only that….. but it is the only time when men are your age, and interested primarily in women your age. That’s the truth…. unfortunately.

      • Monday

        But if you marry someone from college because it’s the only time he thinks it’s acceptable that you are his same age, you will continue to be his same age past the point when it’s ok–as his wife! I said it on the earlier thread too, but I would rather be single forever than married to someone who sees me as a rapidly depreciating asset.

        I just wish this particular reasoning was not factored in to the “find someone when you’re young” argument–unless the durability and happiness of your (first?) marriage is totally irrelevant, and it’s just a matter of doing it.

    • Tina

      I hate this because it assumes that women can somehow magically choose when to fall in love.

      Did the experts ever stop and think that maybe some women find someone to fall in love with when they are young and other need more time to figure out who they are and want they want from a partner. Either path can be good but its not like its something that you decide arbitrarily.

      Also, it totally assumes that all women are straight. I *wish* I could get married at all.

      • TO Lawyer

        I like this point. Aside from the heteronormativity of all the articles, you can’t magically choose when to fall in love and when that relationship will lead to marriage. Honestly, a lot of my close friends are getting married right now and part of me feels inadequate that I’m in an imperfect relationship that does not appear to be heading to marriage any time soon, if at all. But as much as I try, I can’t control that.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I read this too fast and thought it said applesauce. I think it is going to be my new go-to compliment.

          Applesauce.

      • anon

        I’m straight and married, but the first thing I thought of when I read about that Princeton letter was – this out of touch mother is assuming everyone is straight!

    • Anne Shirley

      Im loving the assumption that we’re all sitting around deciding when to get married, as though mist people don’t make that decision when they find someone they want to marry.

    • Kanye East

      It takes a special kind of smug @$$hole to impose their life choices (and their heteronormative assumptions) on society at large.

      • Also in Academia

        +1000 to this whole comment string. If I’d gotten married at the “right” time it would have most certainly been to the wrong man. Instead, I got married when I wanted to — I met the right man. And you know what, if that hadn’t happened, or had happened at a different time, my life would look different but I’d probably still be loving it. The idea that this is all under our control is laughable!

      • Anonny

        Indeed. Reading Ms. Patton’s op ed piece made me realize that the real intent of that letter was to brag about her going to Princeton and brag that she got one of her kids in Princeton, too. The advice thing was just the coating on the bragging pill.

    • Matilda

      Mostly I just hated the implication in the letter — which I’ve seen repeated in a lot of the media fall out — that there’s only one way to be happy, and that that way necessarily involves falling in love and getting married and, presumably, 2.5 kids and a picket fence or something. I’ve spent WAY too much time being told that I should be in a relationship because the person giving me the advice “just wants me to be happy” — as though my friends, dogs, cat, career, novel-in-progress, travel, roller skates, and so on aren’t making me happy. I don’t think we should be telling ANYone, male or female, regardless of age, that she or he can’t be a complete person unless she or he is attached to another person. I have nothing against love and marriage and family, and I’m cheering on everyone who’s found happiness and fulfillment there. I just wish, sometimes, that they would keep in mind that not all of us are searching for the same things.

      • Em

        Yes! It’s time we start coming up with new narratives about happiness for women that don’t all revolve around men (some will but those aren’t the only one).

        Listen – 10% of men identify as gay; many fewer women do. Women live longer than men. More men are in prison. Even if every single woman in the world wanted nothing more than to get married to a man and have children, the numerical fact is that some of them won’t. We need to figure out how we can have happy, wonderful lives if we fall in that group.

      • cbackson

        Yeah, you know, I do wish I had a significant other. But I’m also aware that I’m living in one of the few phases in history when a young, single woman could have full control of her economic life, and much of the time I’m too busy feeling amazingly lucky about the great opportunities available to me, and the tremendous freedom that I enjoy, to feel sad about my lack of a man-friend.

    • Nellie

      When I read the Princeton article, the main thing I thought about was much I wanted to have a real boyfriend in college but nobody dated. It was hook-up central. Especially for guys, sleeping around was much more socially acceptable than having a relationship. The idea of someone finding a potential spouse in that environment is laughable to me. I’ve been out for a while, but I seriously doubt that real dating has *increased* since my undergrad days. Maybe Princeton is another planet, but I suspect that 20-year-old dudes wanting casual s#x is pretty close to a universal phenomenon.

      • January

        +1 to this, too. I love how the Princeton mom seems to believe that all of the men at Princeton are there looking for wives, and it’s only the women who are getting in the way. All of this hoopla completely ignores the fact that getting married is, in fact, a two-person decision.

    • downstream

      This is how I take the marry-young articles:

      Many of the comments (like Carol, above) say that they don’t know a single person who held off on having a serious relationship because it wasn’t the right time. But that assumes that serious relationships just fall into people’s laps. They don’t. You don’t magically meet one person and the long-term relationship just miraculously works out. I met my husband in college and we married young for our demographic (we were 25). There were a million opportunities for us to break up, and many times when it would have been easier to break up than to stay together, but I knew a good catch when I saw one and I made it work.

      That is how I take the get-married-young articles. Not that you should settle for whoever happens to be around when you graduate college, but that you should be willing to sacrifice and make things work younger than you’re trained to do. It’s about your attitude, not the circumstances. For instance, I could have gone to law school in a different city than my current husband intended to live after college – I was 21, and who was to say that I’d marry this guy, why should I sacrifice for a guy even if I was going to marry him, and living in San Francisco seemed awesome – but I didn’t, because being with him was more important than living in another city. So maybe another person in my position would have been more cavalier about the relationship and moved across the country, and that person wouldn’t have married my husband (and might still not be married). That is what the articles are cautioning against.

      Is this “settling”? I don’t think so, but maybe some people do – and that is the audience the article is intending to reach. Be willing to sacrifice younger, because the quality guys do not come along that often. And by the time you’re willing to sacrifice to be in a long term relationship, the number of quality guys may be pretty small.

      • TBK

        Um, downstream, you said in like half the space what it took me a novel to say (even down to specifics like moving for law school or not). Thanks :)

    • TBK

      A few thoughts in response to the many great thoughts above:

      1) While I agree that not everyone meets a great marriage candidate in college, I wonder how often it’s not about meeting The One at a particular time, but instead about needing more time to be ready to meet someone. I can speak only for myself, but I will tell you that I had some issues in my teens/20s that completely got in the way of meeting anyone. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that about six months after I started therapy to deal with those issues, I met my husband. And when I say “issues,” I’m not talking about anything extreme. Just the “my mom taught me men were lying jerks” kind of issues.

      2) I think sometimes there’s too much of this magical thinking that it’s all about the “right” person coming along. The story women tell each other is that the right one just hasn’t come along and one day, s/he will and that person will immediately see everything that’s wonderful about you. Sometimes true, but if you try at anything for awhile and aren’t having any success, there’s nothing wrong with stepping back and looking at what you’re doing that might be interfering with what you want. (Yes, you might not want marriage, or a relationship, or a relationship with a man, or whatever, but if you do want that, there’s a point where it makes sense to take some ownership of the process and see what you can do to influence your chances at getting what you want. You’d do that if it were some other goal, right?) This doesn’t mean “go be fake,” but to make sure you’re being the best version of yourself you can be. There’s no harm in doing this, but I think there’s so much pressure to not be “that” kind of Rulesy, old fashioned, “just need a man” girl that some women (especially highly accomplished women whose mothers were Second Wave pioneers) are insufficiently willing to act like a relationship is something to actively try for, and wind up being overly passive.

      3) No, I don’t have any friends who ended great relationships because they just wanted to have fun or focus on a career, but I have seen many people in their 20s (me included) see the end of a relationship to be inevitable because it conflicted with something else the person wanted to do. I couldn’t fathom basing the selection of my law school on another person’s needs or desires (yes, I was in a relationship when I applied to law school and, no, I wasn’t in one by the time I arrived on campus). I know people whose relationships fell apart while they were working overseas. Do I think young women shouldn’t work overseas just because it might delay marriage? No. But I do think that a lot of early 20somethings have no problem doing something that is likely to break up a relationship. The relationship doesn’t end immediately. It often goes into one of those drawn out long-distance things (which I have also done, see, e.g., law school above) but ultimately ends. And the couple doesn’t say “I chose my career over marriage.” They say “we just weren’t right for each other in the long run.” The question, of course, is whether the “not right for each other” led to them being apart or whether being apart led to them feeling they weren’t right for each other. But many young, highly educated people do prioritize career and exploration over marriage. Whether it’s bad or good is highly individual and what’s excellent for one person may be terrible for another.

      4) Men do worry about this, they just aren’t as likely to write articles about it (how many of these “women, do this or that about marriage” articles are written by men? not many.). My husband recently said he really wished we’d met younger because he wishes we’d had more time to grow up together. Many younger people don’t have it in their heads at 20 that they should be thinking about marriage, and therefore they don’t think about it. Being older (late 20s, or early 30s, say) has the advantage that you’ve grown up, know who you are, know what you want, and are more mature in how you handle interpersonal stress. But being younger means that you and your spouse build memories of living in that terrible cheap first apartment, or sleeping in sketchy hostels overseas, or dressing up a chair as a Christmas tree because you can’t afford a tree. Both have their advantages.

      5) A man who waits until he’s 40 to marry can still have as many babies as he wants. This isn’t true for women. It just makes things different if you’re a woman who wants to get pregnant.

      • downstream

        I want to echo the idea that men do think about this – my husband and I are the same age and we got married at 25. I wasn’t pregnant and he was just as excited to get married as I was. I definitely wasn’t settling and it’s not like I was so amazing that he had to lock me down. You shouldn’t assume that all guys are into only hooking up (as one commenter above did) or are looking to get the milk for free for as long as possible. Guys want commitment and companionship just like girls do. But the guys who value commitment and companionship in their 20’s usually don’t stay single into their 30’s.

    • Anna

      I got married right out of college, at 22, and am glad I did, because my husband was the right person for me (we’ve been married 15 years now). But at the time, I did feel like maybe I was getting married too young, and had some regrets and “what-ifs.” If I hadn’t been absolutely, totally, crazy-in-love with my husband, and hadn’t felt like he was “the one,” I wouldn’t have gotten married. I think what bothers me about the whole “find a husband in college” argument is that there’s an implication that it’s “now or never” for 21- and 22-year-old girls, most of whom are mentally not ready to make that kind of commitment, and I am afraid some young women might choose to settle for someone they think is OK, because they’re afraid they won’t find a partner later. Maybe that doesn’t happen, and if that is the case, I’m glad.

      From the perspective of the late-thirties professional woman, here’s what I see. The vast majority of my friends from high school who knew in high school that they wanted to get married and/or had kids, did so. Few of us got married straight out of college – for most, marriage happened about five to seven years after college graduation. (I didn’t see many women have trouble meeting men after college, although I think the pool does get smaller – but that’s also dependent on whether or not you are “out there” doing things where you can meet people, or you’re going to work and then going home.) There are some women I knew in high school who are not married, who have said they would like to be if they could find the right person. But they have very full lives, high-profile jobs, they travel, they have friends, etc. and the attitude seems to be, if it happens, it happens. Their lives don’t look bleak to me at all. I think if I was looking at a woman who had gotten married to someone she was lukewarm about at 22 out of fear, and realized years later she married the wrong person for the wrong reasons, THAT would look bleak.

      And to another poster’s point – yes, I am tired of the endless commenting on the personal choices of women. Lean in or don’t. Get married or don’t. Have kids or don’t. Stay home with your kids, or don’t. These are all individual choices and no one else’s business! And what worked for one overprivileged woman may not necessarily work for all women. I think what women really need is for know-it-all loudmouths to shut up, already, and let people live their own lives.

  18. JMDS

    My family is throwing a 65th birtiday dinner for my father at a restaurant. It is going to be a small group in a private room.

    Wondering if anyone had tips to make the dinner a bit more special and personalized?

    Thanks!

    • Ashley

      Here are some ideas you could do:

      1. Order personalized napkins (just do a google search and a lot of online vendors will pop up). We had personalized cocktail napkins at our wedding and it adds a nice touch!
      2. Perhaps you could ask all guests to send you pictures of them and your dad, and then you could put together a photo book and the guests could write messages beneath their pictures and you could give it to your dad.
      3. Definitely balloons and a cake.
      4. Ask the restaurant to print personalized menus with “Happy birthday [dad’s name]” at the top.
      5. Without being corny or over the top, you could do a theme if your dad has a particular hobby or something (fishing? cowboy movies? sports? etc)

    • rosie

      Will guests order off the whole menu, or did you pre-select several options for each course? If it’s a shortened menu, can the restaurant (or you) print special menus that say “[Your father’s name]’s Birthday Dinner” or something like that? Are you getting his favorite cake for dessert?

    • KC

      A few ideas:
      -Personalized centerpieces – photos of your dad, items related to his interests/hobbies
      -Can you arrange for a special dessert to be made (or bring one yourself) – maybe your dad has a favorite cake or dessert his mom made for birthdays growing up?
      -Have the guests write down memories related to your father in advance, and either read them aloud or compile cards to put into a guestbook to commemorate the evening

      • JMDS

        Thanks ladies. It is a pre-set menu, but I will ask if they can print his name on top. We are going to do a cake and I am thinking about making one of those shutterfly photo books and giving it to him at the dinner.

        I like the idea of personalized centerpieces and am going to look into that.

    • just Karen

      Get small bottles of champagne (we did little bottles of Cava for my Mom’s birthday one year – even smaller than splits) with ribbons around them at each place setting as a party favor. Definitely second the ideas for a photo centerpiece, personalized menus, and special cake as well.

    • BlueToo

      Hi Cb, it seems like you haven’t mentioned anything about your boyfriend recently – if it’s because you don’t want to tell the internets, obviously that’s fine! but I just wanted to say I hope everything’s okay with you.

      Reading about the beginnings of the relationship resonated with me because similar things were happening in my life at the same time.

      • NOLA

        Not surprising since a few people here got on her about mentioning him too often.

        • BlueToo

          The internet is a funny thing… Well anyhow, I send sisterly solidarity.

  20. This little piggy...

    Any recommendations for a podiatrist in DC/NoVA?

    I have what I think is an oh-so-glamorous corn on my baby toe that doesn’t seem to be going away and is getting more painful, even in sensible shoes.

    Dr. Melissa Smith has good reviews on Yelp, but she’s booked up for the next six weeks.

    Thanks!

    • Katie

      I went to a Dr. Sheldon Laps in Dupont Circle when I was having some plantar fasciitis and needed cortisone shots, xrays, and eventually, orthotics. I was able to get in quickly, he and his staff were very professional and polite. I very highly recommend him.

    • Pest

      Dr. Ian Beiser at 1145 19th St. He did my bunion surgeries. He is excellent.

    • jesseves

      Dr. Stephen Kominsky at Mid-Atlantic Podiatry on Massachusetts Ave. I was having tremendous foot pain last February and he got me walking without pain (and without surgery) in time for my 87 mile trek along the UK’s Ridgeway trail in May.

  21. PollyD

    This: ” haven’t seen a single article over whether MEN should marry young or not”

    I get so irritated with those types of articles because it seems like they put it all on the woman! I don’t know a single woman who didn’t want to get married when she was asked! I do know lots of women who linger(ed) in long term relationships because the man didn’t want to get married.

    I’d pay good money to see some articles convincing men that they should get married young because then their sperm is healthier and they’ll have healthier babies and be able to play with their kids more vigorously, etc etc. I think these authors live in some strange alternate universe where all women are constantly being asked to get married and the only reason they are not is because they refused. Or are too picky – I love that hypothesis, too. As if men also weren’t picky about who they married, although interestingly sometimes in the opposite direction. I have known several men who are intimidated by successful women and would really rather have someone who doesn’t challenge them, intellectually or financially. Write about that, NYT!!

    • Anonymous

      Actually, the NYTimes did, about men in China, but the same could be said about the US.

  22. San Diego Tips?

    I am heading to San Diego next week for a work trip that I am extending slightly to go sight-seeing. Any tips on what to do this time of year?

    • Senior Attorney

      Balboa Park is awesome — it has beautiful gardens and a whole lot of wonderful museums. Old Town is great for eating and shopping. The Gaslamp Quarter, ditto. If you like theater, definitely catch a show at the Old Globe Theater, which is a wonderful outdoor venue. I have had good luck getting single tickets in great locations while in San Diego for work trips.

      Have fun!

    • F in SF

      I love Coronado – check out a restaurant along the coast. Also, rent a bike and explore the boardwalk.

    • Special Snowflake

      Coronado Island, Gaslamp quarter, Pacific Beach boardwalk, Old Town for Mexican food. All very touristy, but fun.

  23. TCFKAG

    If anyone’s interested – the silk pleated blouse that was $91 on Thursday is now $45 over at Brooks Brothers. So…yeah. Its now coming my way. :-P

    • Anonymous

      Sold out in my size, but the bow jacket is calling my name. Any advice on sizing? Also, any advice on whether I’d eventually be able to get a matching dress? Does BB use the same fabric for their jackets, dresses and pants from season to season? I’d love to score a matching dress on similar sale down the line.

    • BB

      Yay! Thanks so much. I was wavering and with the extra 50% discount, I pounced. By the way, a tip if you guys didn’t already know. If you have a Brooks Brothers near you, call them and get them to ship the item to the store for free (and then you pick up). It saves you at least $9 on shipping if you don’t spend enough to get to their minimum for free online shipping.

      Also, thanks to the poster to mentioned that the white version is way too sheer. I did the blue one instead as I hate having to wear a cami under suff.

    • cm

      Thank you!!! Just purchased in both colors (I’m an every-day-cami-wearer), as well as a handful of other items on awesome discount. Made my week!

  24. Anon Thinking of Divorce: Update

    A few weeks ago I posted about how I was thinking of leaving my husband, and I got all kinds of good advice from the Hive. I thought I’d come back and let you all know that I went out the following weekend and rented myself an apartment, and tomorrow is moving day. The Mr. was shocked and it’s been a long month with me sleeping in the guest room waiting for the new digs to be ready, but I am confident I’m doing the right thing and it’s for the best. I have wonderful friends who are helping both emotionally and logistically, which helps a lot. Honestly the worst part is the guilt about leaving the Mr. in reduced financial circumstances, but he had plenty of chances and he will be fine in the long run.

    Anyway, just a note of thanks, especially to those of you who shared your “been there, done that, lived to tell the tale” stories.

    • Jo March

      Big hugs and lots of support your way. You’re likely through the worst/most intense of it now and you will feel *so relieved* when you are out and in your own space.

      I totally understand about the financial guilt – my ex expected that I would be the main income earner once I finished law school, but instead, going to law school gave me the confidence (as well as the perspective on how bad things really were) to finally leave after years of unhappiness. He also had many chances to do things differently, and didn’t. It’s hard, but it sounds like you really did the right thing. Best of luck!!

      • Anon Thinking of Divorce

        Thank you! He’s gone to a hotel for the weekend so I can move out in peace (on my dime!), and I feel relieved already! Can’t wait to get to the new place and breathe the air there!

    • Anonny

      Why is it that the people on the receiving end of these things always act shocked?

      Is it real or feigned? I mean, was he really so delusional that he thought he wasn’t a crap-husband? Especially since you almost left a few times and then he proceeded to slide right back to the crappy behaviors that he KNEW got you upset enough to think about leaving in the first place?

      I really wonder — I sometimes think that these people like your soon-to-be ex-H live in a cloud of self-delusion to avoid ever having to take responsibility for being a crap spouse. Either that, or they’re lying to get sympathy and avoid accountability for the damage they ultimately bring on themselves (and others.)

      • Anon Thinking of Divorce

        I know, right? When I told him I was leaving, the first thing he said was “I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry! And although he purports to be devastated and wanting to patch things up, not once in the past four weeks has he actually made any attempt to talk about what he might have done to cause this, or what he might do to fix it. (Which, I hasten to add, is a blessing because I. am. done.)

        I vote “cloud of self-delusion.”

        • Anonny

          You have my admiration in all of this.

          You really tried, and tried, and tried, and now, you’re doing what you can to save yourself. If he wants to slowly drown by himself, there is no force on earth outside of him that can prevent it. No point in your drowning with him.

          You’re doing something so very hard and brave. I hope the rest of your life is good and rewarding and fulfilling. :-)

    • Hilda

      Good for you!

      It’s time ALL women stand up to abusive husbands and boyfriends who use us economically and/or sexually and then toss us aside when they get tired of us or find someone else to use.

      We are empowered also, says Sheryl Sandberg (tho she’s not the first one) and we should not ever have to depend on men for anything. In fact, with technology being what it now is, we no longer need men to procreate, as we can get artificial insemination from anonomous donors. Even the sex act itself can be pleasurable without men, using mechanical implements that can be purchased inexpensively at places like Babeland, and unlike men who mess our beds up or stink up the toilet, there’s no muss to clean up on the sheets and there’s no pee on the floor to have to clean up after they leave.

    • Violet's Fan

      I’m eight months out from something similar and have never been happier. In my case, my three kids were involved and now that the dust has settled, they’ve never been happier, too. Congrats for making the decision – that was the hardest part for me!

      • Anon Thinking of Divorce

        I’m glad it’s working out for you and your kids! I am looking forward to being eight months out and having the dust settled!

  25. Leigh

    How do you ladies deal with friends/acquaintances that are trying to recruit you for their Multilevel Marketing schemes? I’m so sick of dealing with these people, but I want to be nice.

    • Senior Attorney

      “Wow, that sounds interesting! Unfortunately I have too much on my plate to get involved in that, but good luck with it!”

      Repeat ad infinitum as necessary.

      • Monday

        I feel like this might invite more invitations later–pretending to be interested and citing an excuse, even if it’s vague. This sounds like a situation where you need to be pretty direct–“I’m so sorry if I haven’t been clear about this already, but I don’t plan to participate/am not interested. Thanks anyway.”

    • Anonymous

      Blanket policy – I don’t attend if I don’t have interest in buying. It’s not personal.

    • Brant

      oh, BARF. I just decline all invites and invite that friend out to lunch or something to make it clear it isn’t personal, it’s just a conflict. I don’t go because I’d never buy. Sooooo not my scene. I’d rather write my friend a $50 check than have to go to one of those parties.

      As you can tell, I’m destined to be “that parent”- the one that buys an entire box of chocolate bars so I don’t’ have to schlep my kid all over town trying to peddle them off. Hopefully I’ll come up with some life lesson to teach my kid by then, like maybe donating all said candy to a sports team or something.

      Signed, Antisocial Scrooge.

        • Middle Coast

          This is what I did for three kids – asked how much they expect to raise per kid and give that amount in cash. It was pretty much a new concept when I first did this 20 years ago and I had alot of push back, but I made it clear I was only willing to make a cash donation, I would not sell anything. It got easy as time went on, I was “that” mother. Seems like they were pissed they do not get “bonus” gifts for selling x amount. Tough.

      • Leigh

        Yeah, I was afraid of that. This one isn’t a party, but the advice above is good for those situations. I got a text yesterday from someone inviting me to her house to ‘learn about her business’ and to hear what she’s doing. It’s an MLM, and I am just not interested in even wasting my time to go ‘learn’ about it. Thankfully I’m busy for this one, I just know if I give any indication that I’m at least ambivalent about it, I’ll continue getting invites and having to create excuses.

        • Senior Attorney

          In that case, then yeah. Just say “I’m happy for you but it’s not anything I’m interested in. Nope, not even enough to sit with you and learn more. Good luck with it, though.”

    • Mountain Girl

      I made a early career decision to not attend or purchase from any of these companies. After a couple of years of saying no to every party and gimmick nobody asks anymore.

    • SA

      This is touchy for me now. I hate the selling parties. If I want a new spatula I’ll buy one, I’m not interested in buying it from your living room. Clothes and makeup too. If people want to get together with friends, invite me to do stuff. Lately a good share of my social invites have been selling parties. I’d much rather meet friends out for a glass of wine.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I usually have fun with the people once I’m there. I enjoy seeing the goods though I know it is all marked up crap. I usually just buy one low end piece as my “cost of admission” and enjoy the time with my friends who all seem to love these events. I keep my complaints internal and vent about them later to ladies like you all!

    • Girl in the stix

      Well, you could always try to interest them in AMWAY. Or invite them to take Christ as their personal savior (no flames please, just kidding–it was a running joke a long time ago that the latter line was good way to end a bad date without hard feelings)

      Be honest, tell them no, and that’d their sales pitches were harming your friendship–if they continue, then you know how much your friendship means to them.

  26. Becky

    Any suggestions for a weekend in Napa? Driving up early May from San Fran with SO and it’s the first time for both of us there. I love my wines and have done wine tastings all over the world except in CA. He says he wants to start enjoying wines too so this trip would be intro to wine 101 for him. We have looked into group tours, private tours and just having someone drive our car but there are so many choices. I am thinking one day in Napa and one day in Sonoma. Any suggestions of how best to see the wineries and if there are absolutely must visit wineries.
    Thanks!

    • Orangerie

      How much are you looking to spend on transportation? If you want to go the private driver route, I can’t say enough good things about Woody’s Wine Tours. He the funniest, friendliest, most attentive driver in the valley. If you have a specific list of wineries to visit he is more than happy to arrange for that, but if you don’t want to plan the entire day out he will create the itinerary for you.

      On the cheaper side, I’ve had good experiences with Beau Wine Tours. I believe it’s $125/person, which doesn’t include your tasting fees but does include a catered lunch from The Girl and the Fig (which is served picnic style at one of the wineries you visit). The limo will pick up from most Napa hotels, but I do know that they are only willing to pick up from 2 hotels in Sonoma, if that affects your hotel plans.

      I haven’t been to a winery yet where I absolutely hated what I drank, so my favorites list is based more on atmosphere:

      – Domaine Carneros (absolutely gorgeous chateau with an amazing view)
      – Frog’s Leap (friendly & conversational staff, cute grounds to wander around)
      – Honig (lovely outdoor seating area, young & unpretentious staff)
      – Artesa (modern architecture & fountains, great view from up on the hill)
      – Trefethen (beautiful property, cozy tasting room)
      – Swanson (they serve chocolate with their tasting flight… no further comments necessary)

      • Orangerie

        Argh, not enough coffee this morning.

        He IS the funniest, friendliest, most attentive driver in the valley.

    • k-padi

      If you are a real wine snob, skip the tours. They tend to go to the tourist-y vineyards with the not-great wines. Either pick a DD or hire a car.

      If your husband is a wine newbie, I’d recommend starting at Cakebread for their “In-depth Educational Tour and Tasting (appt only–fills up so make reservations now).

      Then, my favorite Napa-Valley Stand-bys are: Schramsberg (bubbly), Chateau Montelena (winner of the Prix de Paris in the 70s), and Frogs Leap (no real reason–I just like their wines and the tasting experience). If you want amazing wines, Larkmead (or another cult vineyard like Pride Family).

      That’s 5 vineyards–a big day. My favorite lunch is, honestly, the V. Satui BBQ (in season) (just steer clear of their wines). Otherwise, there are a bunch of grocery stores (picnic!), Gott’s (greasy burgers), and restaurants (BTW, Redd is my favorite).

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        Good choices, k-padi! I love Schramsberg. Also, if you have time, watch the movie Bottle Shock before going to Chateau Montelena. I like some of the smaller, more family style wineries too – Arroyo Winery and Lava Vine are great. Both are very close to Calistoga.

        • k-padi

          Thanks! Arroyo has delicious wine–I really like the “Nameless” blend! I’ll add Lava Vine to my list of wineries to try.

      • Anonymous

        Frogs Leap also has a chicken coop with a rooster named Fabio. That alone makes it worth the trip in my book.

    • KinCA

      So jealous – Napa is one of my absolute favorite places in the world! We’ve done private tours with “A Limo & Wine Tours” twice – we absolutely loved them the first time we used them but were mixed on our experience the second time, so I’m not sure if I’d recommend them again. I know people who have done the group wine tours with Beau Wine Tours and had a great time.

      In terms of wineries, these are my absolute favorites:
      -Bremer Family (by appt. only) – a small, boutique winery that does tastings outside on picnic tables when the weather is nice
      -Chateau Montelena – gorgeous grounds & the winery that technically put Napa “on the map”
      -Fleury Winery (by. appt. only) – the tasting experience is not terribly fancy but the wine is incredible. Typically the winemaker or his son is doing the tastings and they are super fun & knowledgeable.
      -Robinson Family (another by appt. only) – super small, family-owned boutique winery. You tour the caves & get an inside look at the wine-tasting process, and even to get to hang out with the winery dog. We loved it.
      -Duckhorn – gorgeous grounds and lovely seated tasting room.
      -Whitehall Lane – I loved the way they do their tasting (you pick 4 or so wines from a list of 8 that interest you). We ended up doing our tasting with the winery chef & had an awesome conversation about wine/food pairings.
      -Domaine Carneros – Gorgeous view. It was a little crowded/touristy for my liking, but the friendly, sweet staff made up for that.

      In terms of restaurants, I’d recommend Gotts’ Burgers (a must) and Grace’s Table in Napa. :)

      Have fun!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the great responses. A friend raved about Domaine Carneros so that’s definitely on my list. I hadn’t figured out how lunches work for the day so thanks for including those suggestions. If we have our own driver, it sounds like we can bring a picnic lunch or stop and pick up something and then take to certain wineries with patios and dining space. I am so excited for the trip and to finally get to Napa! Anticipation makes it so much easier to get through the next month.

        • KinCA

          Yeah, if you have your own driver, they’ll take you somewhere for lunch (typically Gott’s or a deli/grocery for sandwiches). Tours typically start around 10 AM and go from 3-5 PM, so it’s a long (and fun!) day.

    • F in SF

      I liked castello di amorosa – it’s a reproduction of a Tuscan castle so a bit cheesy but very picturesque. Also consider a vineyard bike tour – it’s not too physically demanding and the vineyards are oh so pretty.

      • SoCal Gator

        My stepdaughter works at castello di amorosa and while I have not been there myself, she posts pictures from that winery that are just gorgeous. They are set up well for visitors and put on a good tour.

    • Anon in NYC

      Do some research ahead of time on some of the wineries and vineyards mentioned – one of the things that caught me by surprise was that so many Napa places required reservations for tastings!

      My two recommendations: Larkmead and Stony Hill (both of which require reservations).

      • k-padi

        Thanks! Because you like Larkmead, I’ll add Stony Hill to my list too. I’m thinking a trip to Napa is in order now that I have 3 new vineyards visit–Gargiulio (recommended by 7×7 and I’m intrigued), Lava Vine, and Stony Hill.

        • Anon in NYC

          Stony Hill is a great vineyard! Just a note – they’re mostly whites, although they’ve recently introduced a cabernet and they have a syrah. We discovered their wine at The French Laundry. They served us their Riesling (which we normally don’t like) and it was so delicious that we wrote down the name so we could find it again.

          One of the owners gave us a short tour of their barrel room / barn, and you have to walk through the family house and backyard to get there. You can definitely imagine the family bbqs in the summer. We tasted wine on the family’s patio overlooking the vineyards, just chatting with this woman in her 70’s-80’s about books. It’s an adorable vineyard – I hope you enjoy it!

  27. Anonymous

    Argh. I’m so frustrated. We recently had to cut back a consultant’s pay due to cash issues. We negotiated a new compensation agreement for him where he is being paid in equity instead of cash. I wouldn’t have blamed him for walking away, since, you know, money talks. But he stayed on board but seems to be responding by voting with his feet and not. getting. anything. done. We will have calls (takes forever to schedule), he will agree to do X, Y and Z and then drop off the radar. Won’t respond to phone calls, emails, nothing.

    Right now I’m coming up on a hard (USGov) deadline and I need a part from him which he agreed to do last week and get to me on Monday. I’ve emailed and called and had my boss email and call to zero response and now I am scrambling the day-of to revise everything so that his part is no longer necessary. I just feel like this is so unprofessional – if you don’t want to work for no cash, fine, totally understandable, but don’t say you will be working and getting things done, and then disappear and leave other people to scramble.

    And yeah, we should get rid of him but there are political reasons for keeping him on ATM that I’m not in control of.

    • SA

      What a pain. How is it that not responding is an option? I have two people I’m working with right now that are taking that route. Not ok.

      • Anonymous

        I agree. Say you will do something, say you won’t, who cares, don’t just go radio silent.

    • Anonymous

      Its unprofessional not to respond- but I just want to point out that many people dont have the option to just walk away if their job changes in a way they don’t like. He had to say yes to the equity or else quit right? So he said yes and is now probably desperately looking for something else.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, it was a take it or leave it kind of offer — but he is currently consulting to 3-4 other companies (who are/were paying him more than we were) so I think he’s okay cash wise (who knows?). I recognize that it sucks to get your pay converted to equity – but if you’re going to “take it” in a take it or leave it scenario, then you have to actually *do* the job, since you took it.

      • SA

        And I get that, but he agreed to do the job, he needs to do it.

        While I way typing my first response one of the people ignoring me responded. It’s been over a week. Think her ears were ringing?

    • Miss Behaved

      I’ve been dealing with something similar. We had to let one of our contractors go. We notified him in January and he left in February. We’ve spent the last 2 months trying to fix his mistakes. Once he learned he would be leaving, he made a mess of the project. It was supposed to be implemented 2 months ago, but we’re still working on it. It’s been a disaster.

    • MJ

      If the equity has time-based vesting, I would change it to milestone vesting at the next possible opportunity. If not yet Bd approved, then you can say that’s how the Bd wanted to structure. Also, technically, IRS 422 does not allow equity for non-service providers, so if he’s not actually working, the grant should be cancelled. I realize that does not help with the non- performance, but…you want to protect the integrity of the rest of your plan, so perhaps a sternly worded letter stating that the grant will be cancelled if he does not perform would be best. Also, remember that equity only works as a currency if it has value (cash or perceived). It may be thAt consultant feels your stock is worthless and is not prepared to work for “free”, no matter how much equity you throw at him.

    • Anonnc

      Yeah, I see the point of the article, but it bugs me that people perpetuate the idea that the $$ taxed at the marginal rate are all from the woman’s earnings and that child care is a cost that reduces women’s earnings. Within the family economic unit, childcare should be thought of as a cost that reduces both parents’ earnings and the marginal tax dollars should really be considered to be paid by both in proportion to their relative earnings. About five years ago, when I was a newly-minted mom, someone (can’t remember who but it set off a media firestorm a la “Lean In”) wrote a series of articles challenging working moms to stop thinking this way and take the long view (i.e., sure, in the short term, your family might only be foregoing $16K per year after taxes/childcare by having you stay home with kids, but your long term earning power will take a huge hit by being out of the workforce). I didn’t buy in to all of the arguments the author made, but that particular argument really struck me. In any event, I now am a total bore and work this into the conversation whenever the topic comes up.

      • momentsofabsurdity

        I agree with this. The notion that the entirety of the childcare $$s should come out of mom’s salary when we are talking about the “cost of childcare” is a bit silly. If Husband makes 90K and Wife makes 45K, then their combined in come is $135K. The childcare expenses should rightly come out of that number, not directly out of the wife’s salary portion. Yes, you could say, “but if she didn’t work, you wouldn’t need childcare” but I agree with you – that’s a short term viewpoint, not a longterm one.

      • AnnonFoo

        There was a book was called “Feminine Mistake” by Leslie Benette a couple of years ago with similar arguments.

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