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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 192 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: ‘Ivie’ Stretch Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Kate Spade New York 'Ivie' Stretch Sheath DressOooh — I love this stretch sheath dress from Kate Spade New York. I like the origami details at the neck, and the precise little pintucks along the waist. I think the pink color is fun (and would be lovely with a gray sweater or blazer and silver accessories) — but note that it also comes in a simple black. Even better yet: both colors are part of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale (see my other pics for the sale here and here). The dress is currently $249, but it will be $378 after the sale ends. Kate Spade New York ‘Ivie' Stretch Sheath Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2) P.S. Note that they are adding new, online exclusive items to the Nordstrom Anniversary sale every day — look for the big purple bubble that says “New Today!” P.P.S. I'm just seeing some comments from yesterday re: the site taking forever to load. Is this a new thing or has it been happening for the past 2 weeks or so? (We've had some caching software turned off for about two weeks while we tweak it — it speeds site loads time.) If this is a problem newer than that, though, please tell me about it (what browser /version you're using particularly). Thank you!

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Pretty cute, though I’d probably go with the black. My first shipment from the Nordie’s sale arrives today!

  2. DC cleaning service

    Any recommendations for a DC cleaning service? Looking for someone to do a thorough new home cleaning in the Adams Morgan area, and then probably biweekly cleans. Thanks!

  3. preg anon

    Love it! I have a pink dress like this that I wear all the time (when not pregnant – sigh) with nude shoes. I keep the jewelry pretty understated because the dress is loud on its own.

  4. Anon

    The situation: I’m 5 weeks pregnant and have a higher than average risk of miscarriage. No nausea so far, but I’m already dizzy and exhausted and putting in maximum effort just to think straight. I have a Very Important Oral Argument scheduled for mid-September that will require a lot of prep and will be very difficult and stressful. (I’ve never done one before and this is very high stakes.) There is someone else who can do the argument if necessary. This person normally does these arguments – I am only doing it because of a special circumstance – so it wouldn’t be a problem for the other person to do it.

    The question: Should I give up on the idea of doing it? If so, when should I tell the other person?

    • mascot

      The first tirmester is rough. It gets better. I assume that doing this argument is important for your career and that someone thinks that you are capable of handling it even if you aren’t convinced yet. If you delegate it away, will you be disappointed come mid-September when you are further along and feeling better? It’s almost 2 months away, I’d say that it’s too early to take yourself out of the game.

    • Anonymous

      You’ll feel different every day between now and mid-September. Don’t give up hope! I would talk to Other Person about 2-3 weeks before the argument if you still feel you can’t do it.

      • Bonnie

        Please do not wait until right before the argument to decide. I don’t think it’s fair to drop this on someone 2-3 weeks before. Can you talk to the other person and tell them that you’re having some medical issues and may need them to take over? At least then you’d have a feel from them as to how much prep time they would need.

    • Anne Shirley

      First, I think you need to discuss this with your doctor. The calculus changes a lot if it’s worry about pregnancy versus a doctor saying this makes it more likely you will miscarry.

      Second, given an ok from the doc, I don’t think you should give up on this yet. It sounds like a major opportunity for you. And the other person who frequently does this won’t need as much prep time. Folks in my firm who are often arguing tend to really gear up a week in advance. I wouldn’t wait that long, but in mid-August have a conversation about how you’re feeling with that person, if you’re still worried, and see what timeframe works for them.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. Talk to your doc. Go to bed EARLY. Get Zofran if you get nauseated. See how you feel at the end of August. I wouldn’t give up before then!!!

        • OHCFO

          +1 on the Zofran for the nausea. Don’t settle for less. I had HORRIBLE (black box, class action lawsuit style) side effects from the Reglan that my insurance required I try before the Zofran. Zofran was the difference between me being able to work and having to take medical leave until the morning sickness subsided.

      • mascot

        Def. discuss this with your doctor. Risk factors for physiological reasons like how your womb is shaped, age, etc (something you really can’t change) are probably much different than you need to keep your stress level down as much as possible in order to keep your blood pressure in check. Good luck and congrats.

    • Partner Anon

      Congratulations!

      I was in your shoes once and didn’t have any feasible backup (my practice group had just left and I was halfway through something that I wouldn’t have been able to handle while transitioning firms). If I had had someone there who could have taken over for me, I would have levelled with that person (perhaps erring on the side of “medical” issues since I was worried that disclosing the pregnancy would have negatively impacted an imminent partnership vote along with the group exodus) and have volunteered to do a lot of argument prepping with them and a lot of moots.

      While I get the don’t-leave-before-you-leave pressure, I feel that my ultimate responsiblity is to run things so that the client is covered at all times as best as you possibly can. That may mean putting someone in place who’s most likely to cross the goal line (and you are ready in case that person has an emergency). And ifyou don’t go that route, perhaps making sure that they are really keeping up with you in case you need to bow out will keep unexpected surprises to a minimum on the work front (so make sure that client knows you and X will be preparing and will decide who does the argument as the argument nears so that they don’t feel blindsided).

      At any rate, for me, it was my first pregnancy and I did the best I could with everything. But I think of how my Army and medical friends do things (with a lot of redundancy and people who bow out when it is their time to and someone else steps in and things are OK) and with it had been that easy.

      It’s harder to be specific without knowing more about your medical condition. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, so I was bleeding actively some days and it took a lot time to stop being completely unraveled.

    • Traditionalist

      If you haven’t read Lean In, maybe consider it. She speaks specifically to her terrible morning sickness and related pregnancy issues while continuing on her career path.

    • RR

      By mid-September, you will be in your second trimester and likely to be feeling much better. Honestly, if it were me, I would not have someone else do the oral argument, but you have to listen to your gut on this.

    • another preg anon

      Definitely don’t give up. Could the argument possibly be adjourned for a few weeks so you’re safely in your second trimester? This is an important step in your career and opportunities for oral argument do not come up so frequently. I am currently 8 weeks along and will probably have an argument when I’m 8 months preg. I’m excited to do it, have someone take my picture, and show it to my child to show how kick ass you can be even when pregnant.

    • Anon

      OP here,

      Thanks everyone. To answer Mascot, yes I would be very disappointed if I delegate away and have to sit and watch someone else do it. Of course I would also feel horrible if I lost the pregnancy and thought that maybe I could have saved it by working less.

      I think I will launch myself into the prep as best I can, keep the other person in the loop on my prep, and reassess a month before the argument. Unfortunately, my first doctor visit isn’t until three weeks before the argument, so I think waiting to talk to the doctor would mean cutting it too close.

      The potential complication is an endocrine disorder, which can have a miscarriage rate as high as 50%, although mine is fairly well controlled by my medication.

      • Partner Anon

        Can you not get your Dr. to give you extra scans to check for a heartbeat? You should be able to get a TVUS to verify the heartbeat starting very soon and that may be reassuring that things are OK.

        My SCH appeared at 5.5 weeks and I was a regular there for monitoring / reassurance scans (on that and the 3 subsequent pregnancies) during the first trimester.

        • Diana Barry

          +1. If you are high risk they should be getting you in for appointments much sooner. I had to call a few times to get in with my last one – for whatever reason their system didn’t bring me up as high risk even though I had been there before – but my first appt was 5.5 weeks, then one at 7, then one at 10.

        • Anon

          My doctor doesn’t usually do the first visit until 8-10 weeks, but I just called and explained the situation and they were able to fit me in at a different location two weeks earlier. So that will give me the chance to talk with someone before the one-month mark. Thank you for the suggestion.

      • Anne Shirley

        Perhaps I’m missing something, but call you doctor and make an earlier apt? Because you need medical advice?

      • dancinglonghorn

        Wow- I’m a high-risk pregnancy patient and my doctor will ALWAYS get me in the same-day that I call. They should absolutely not be making you wait for scans, visits, and labs. I would have some strong words with your doctor.

        In my opinion, if this is a real high-risk situation, your doctor should be 100% responsive to you. (FWIW, my risk factor is PCOS and endometriosis)

  6. L

    Today, I dressed very casually. And then I got to the office and realized I had an appointment that wasn’t on my calendar. Awesome. Lunch time run to CVS for makeup. Anyone have a favorite drugstore brand of foundation?

    • TK1

      I like the Maybelline mousse one. I can’t remember what its called, but it gives great coverage.

    • NOLA

      I don’t have any suggestions for specifics but I’d recommend getting something lighter where the color doesn’t have to exactly match. Or something where the color adjusts to your skin tone.

    • Veronique

      The L’oreal BB cream is really good. Decent coverage, but more forgiving if the color match isn’t perfect.

    • L

      Awesome, thanks ladies! This is what I get, but I had planned to lock myself in my office all day and write. Whoops!

    • L

      You ladies saved me!! They were completely out of the Loreal BB and I couldn’t find a decent mousse match, but the Photo Ready BB cream looks awesome. Dare I say it, better than the BB cream I was using. So thanks!

  7. Romey

    I really like the dress! Love the color and I also want to get more sheath dresses. I don’t want to pay that much for it though ugh. :(

  8. Anonymous

    Has anyone used the CVS generic brand of white strips (the knockoffs of the Crest ones)? Do they work?

    • P Funk

      My DH used them before our wedding and they worked about as well as my Crest ones. He found they irritated his gums less than the Crest as well, though YMMV.

    • Lola

      I use the generic brand of the Aquafresh white trays and I think they work just as well. I used to try the Crest strips (or similar) but found the trays stayed better and did a better job.

  9. AMB

    Love this happy pink! I am wearing a neon coral shell from Ann Taylor today (with grey cropped pants and a white and grey cardigan) and it’s helping keep my mood up as I deal with multiple annoying requests.

    • Ellen

      Me too! I love the color of this sheath dress and the high neckline virtually ASSURES that Frank will NOT be able to see anything to stare at. YAY! Now I just need to loose about 8 lbs so I do NOT have a tight seat for him to stare at my tuchus!

      Sam is texting me to much. Every time I look at my I-phone there is ANOTHER message from him. I have to tell him to slow down b/c it is beepeing all the time and the manageing partner is wondering what is wrong with my I-Phone. I think I have to turn the SOUND down or leave it in my LIT BAG.

      I am heading to COURT this afternoon for a calendar call. I have 15 cases to report on and the judge has NOT seen me for 2 week’s. I think his clerk wondered what hapened to me last week, but I had NOTHING to update the court on and all of the motion’s were NOT returnable until TODAY! YAY! I am wearing a very nice suit and it is a little less hot, but I think I will still be sweateing, so the manageing partner said I could take a CAB to court, and NOT the subway!!! YAY!!!! The last thing I need is to be schvitzing all over the place with my mascara running down my face. That is mascara that the manageing partner insist I wear in front of the judge, but NOT something that I would wear on my own. I also have new shoe’s from Anne Klein, which I got on SALE over the 4th of July weekend. They are a little tight, but I will be abel to wear them.

      Wish me well b/c I am now going to tell the Judge I will soon be a partner! YAY!!!!!

      • Mulva

        Yes, you need to look your best, and that does not include sweating. Give Sam a try before rejecting him because you are not getting any younger. Who cares if he’s from the UK. The royal family just had a baby so why can’t you with him? If Prince William is any yardstick, those Brits are not shooting blanks!

    • anon

      +1 for coral! I’m wearing a bright coral cardigan with white and blue pinstripes and cream cropped pants and it is also keeping my mood up as I take on someone else’s workload in addition to my own this week

  10. DC Wonkette

    TJ: What is the average broker fee for DC? I’m selling a place and just got a quote at 6% which seems quite high to me. Apparently this information isn’t something real estate companies will post unless I request a quote, so I’m relying on the hive for this one…

    Thanks, ladies!

    • Partner Anon

      6% is standard unless it’s a discount brokerage. I have heard that some prestige brokerages go above 6%.

      The 6% gets split b/w the buyer’s and seller’s brokers though, so you wouldn’t be expected to pay the buyer’s broker on top of that.

      • AIMS

        6 % is standard in NY. You could see if you could negotiate a reduced fee if the buyer doesn’t have their own broker (so instead of receiving 3% for a co-broke situation, your broker would get, say, 4% if buyer is not represented). Most buyers use brokers though since it’s basically a free service.

    • Diana Barry

      FWIW, in Boston broker fees have mostly come down to 5% from 6% about 10 years ago.

    • mo

      6% is “standard” in San Francisco, but half the agents we interviewed would have taken 5%. Definitely worth negotiating.

  11. Anon

    I have officially given up on J.Crew. We are DONE professionally.
    They have, as we used to say, jumped the shark.
    I see matronly grandmother-types picking through the sale racks and buying things for themselves more than any other demographic. The styles are uninspiring and the quality is barely above Old Navy. No more.

    Any recommendations for brands of clothing that last the season and don’t look frumpy would be most appreciated.

    • goldribbons

      I just tried the sale dresses at White House Black Market and have been extremely impressed at the high quality, good fit, and interesting pattern/cut/shape! I stuck with the sale rack and got 3 dresses, each under $100.

      • PollyD

        You know, I have to chime in for WHBM, too. The models on the website always look kind of sultry, but they have good stuff. I bought a faux wrap dress from them that I love, and my first ever pair of white pants (which I also love) came from WHBM. Shipping is reasonable (about $5 flat fee, I think) and you can return to the stores. They seem to run true-ish to size, meaning my 5’3.5″, about 122-124, 32D self usually takes a 4 in dresses, jackets, and pants and a small or extra small in tops, depending on how drapey the top is. I also just received a pair of ballet flats from them and they seem pretty nice (also true to size – I usually wear a 7 and the 7s fit).

        Quality of the clothing seems good, too. The aforementioned dress is a nice heavy jersey and the white pants are not see-through.

      • Baconpancakes

        I forget about WHBM, but I used to love them back when I actually shopped in stores instead of online. Thanks for the reminder!

      • SoCalAtty

        Love WHBM! I just got the most recent mailer and I want every single dress in the catalog. I think well over 1/2 of my closet is now from WHBM…including jeans!

        If you are on their email list, you get 5% off, and if you make an appointment with one of their stylists I think you get an extra 3% off? They are always having sales and coupons, and finding the right sales person helps too – they can pull just from the sales rack for you or from all over the store, and are pretty good at sticking to your budget. I’ve been really happy with them.

    • Partner Anon

      That’s funny, since I think they design for lithe teenagers.

      Boden? DVF? Akris?*

      * FWIW, ebay just auctioned off Patty Hewes’s wardrobe from Damages and it seemed to be 75% Akris.

      • Mountain Girl

        I love Boden. I got a catalog in the mail yesterday and flipped through every page last night. A couple of my absolute favorite items are from Boden.

      • Monday

        Interesting about Patty Hewes’ wardrobe. Especially for the first 3 seasons of Damages I seriously suspected they were using the same raw materials for all of the professional characters, men and women. All the suits, shirts and ties seemed to rotate through each of them, with no distinction for character differences or job niche.

      • Brooklyn Paralegal

        Shut UP seriously? Not that I have the money to afford it, but Patty Hewes is arguably my favorite female television character of the past 10 years. Damages was SO good.

        • Partner Anon

          Yes — for all I know it may still be there. Just look for Akris 6 and Akris 8 and see if it is some fundraiser service auctioning off the Damages wardrobe of Glenn Close. I couldn’t figure out if they were doing the rest of the Damages wardrobe or anyone else’s, but it was fun to look at the items.

          It was still expensive but impressed me how much a jacket can do to firm up a look.

          #TeamAkrisInMyDreams

  13. Me

    TJ: I just recently learned that my husband is an alcoholic. He told me when I first discovered this two weeks ago that he could handle it by tapering off his drinking. Yesterday, I discovered that his tapering plan didn’t work, which he now admits. I feel completely duped and deceived, and now he wants me to trust him that he will just stop drinking, cold turkey, and when he resumes a few months down the road, it will be in normal, social amounts. He has zero self-discipline, and I have no faith that he can do this without seeking professional help. Trouble is – I have no idea what that would be. Does he need to go to AA? Does that really work? Do I need to go to Al-Anon? Do we hire a counselor? I’d appreciate any advice . . . I never saw this coming and feel completely lost for how to deal with it.

    • theirway11

      Sorry about this. I’d say all of the above. AA, Al-Anon, individual counseling, couples counseling…addition is serious business.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. An alcoholic, unfortunately, CANNOT just stop drinking now and resume later in normal, social amounts. They have an addiction and (in every case I’ve seen) it really ends up being all or nothing. Has he admitted to being an alcoholic? Or does he feel like he is just drinking too much? What steps has he taken to stop, outside of telling you that he will?

      I think the first step is to get into counseling, both individually and together. It sounds like he is not recognizing that this is a major problem (which it is). No rehabilitation solution will work until/unless he does. AA can work for some people, and others don’t find it as helpful. I recommend you get a counselor who has some experience in addiction, and has some insight into the resources available in your area.

      • KLG

        “An alcoholic, unfortunately, CANNOT just stop drinking now and resume later in normal, social amounts. They have an addiction and (in every case I’ve seen) it really ends up being all or nothing.”

        I absolutely agree with that sentiment. You should absolutely check out Al-Anon and counseling for yourself. At the end of the day, it’s up to your husband what he wants to do. AA and a substance abuse counselor would be a good place for him to start. At the end of the day though, there is nothing you can do to help your husband unless he wants to stop drinking.

        I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

      • Em

        Yeah, I think this is true, and moreover, it’s something addicts have a really hard time recognizing. They believe that they can pick up drinking in moderation at any time, but that doesn’t mean it’s true; they can’t.

    • Anon

      I am not going to ask you what city you are in because you probably want to stay complete anonymous, but on the off-chance you are in Atlanta, I recommend Deanna Rees as a counselor who specializes in substance issues and relationships.

    • Anon

      First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks – make sure you lean on your own support system & take care of yourself.
      I grew up with an alcoholic dad who wouldn’t admit he had a problem for many, many years & have a few friends/acquaintances working through their marriages w probs due to alcoholism – just saying take this fwiw, not like I’m an authority or something.
      1) highly unlikely (impossible IMO) that alcoholics can return to social drinking – your so is in denial about that. Still thinks he’s “in control” of it. Nope.
      2) also highly unlikely he can stop w/o professional help &/or a support system. AA is a good start, as is talking to a doctor about therapy recommendations & medication
      It’s going to be a long process but at least you guys are on the first step- recognizing there’s a problem

      • Me

        Thanks for all your responses – that was kind of my instinct- that it’s very unlikely that he can stop drinking for any meaningful period of time and resume later without excess. (That’s not to say it hasn’t been done: I’m sure someone has, but that person would have to have a great deal of self-discipline). I have located an Al-Anon program and will try that. Unfortunately, we’re not in Atlanta, but I appreciate the suggestion of a counselor. Will try to find someone who specializes in addiction in our area.

        • AIMS

          I would actually argue that it cannot be done. If someone is addicted, they are addicted. The minute they have alcohol, even if it’s chocolate cherry cordials, their body chemistry changes. Alcoholics can’t do NyQuill, they can’t do wine, they can’t have “just a sip.” There are some people who have periods of heavy drinking without being alcoholics. They may black out, they may throw up, they may make dumb choices but they can cut back and be fine. Those people aren’t alcoholics. If your husband truly has a problem, even saying “I’m sure someone has, but …” can create problems.
          I would compare it to cigarettes, except in reverse. There are lots of people who smoked a bit in college or high school. They can have the occasional cigarette when they drink and not smoke for years after. Then there are true addicted smokers. They cannot have two drags or they’ll be back to a pack a day in no time. Alcoholics are like that last group. And until someone recognizes that there is no “just a bit” or “just this once,” it won’t get better.

      • Godzilla

        Hugs and rawrs. Depending on where you and/or husband work, you may be able to take advantage of your EAP.

    • AIMS

      That’s really rough, I’m so sorry. You have every right to feel duped and betrayed. But I agree with the others. Addiction is an all or nothing proposition. He has to admit he has a problem and that the only solution is 100% abstinence. I think AA and counseling work for some people and don’t work for others. One common problem with AA is that it’s a bit too religious/doctrinal for some people. Anti-depressants like welbutrin (sic?) can help, esp. with the early stages. Ultimately he has to make the decision. I would seek counseling for yourself meantime. And if he doesn’t get help or continues to relapse, you have a decision to make, too. I have a bit of an unfortunate family history with this and for me, it would be an absolut dealbreaker. But everyone is different and some people do quit successfully. The only other thing I would ask is how did you just learn this and what do you mean that you “discovered” it? I assume you mean his drinking has been problematic and he just admitted he has had a problem before, but just wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing something else.

      • CPA to be

        My dad was/is an alcoholic too, and I completely agree with AIMS on two things:

        1. My dad drank to self-medicate for a severe anxiety problem. Often times drug and alcohol addicts are self-medicating for some underlying mental issue. Quitting drinking isn’t just about quitting drinking, it’s about being honest with yourself and seeking appropriate medication and mental health care if necessary.

        2. The decision you have to make for yourself– you don’t mention having children, and I hope you don’t. My mother always believed that she shielded my sister and me from my father’s drinking and that we didn’t know anything was wrong. I knew what was happening by the time I was six years old, and had a terrifying and awful childhood because of it. I look back on that time in my life and the only thing I see is fear. Please, if you are planning to have kids with this man, make sure this is all ironed out before you get to that point. Not just for their sake, but for yours too.

        Alcoholism doesn’t magically get better. It just gets more and more awful unless the alcoholic is willing to make a life change. I am SO sorry you have to deal with this. The thing that helped me more than anything was being open and honest about what was goign on. As soon as I started talking to people I started healing. Don’t be afraid to talk to your friends about this.I guarantee that at least half of them have an alcoholic in the family and can relate. And go to counseling too. That was beyond helpful for me in terms of learning how to set boundaries.

        • Hel-lo

          Great advice.

          To the OP, your husband can absolutely no way no how deal with this on his own. Him telling you that’s what he’s doing is a manipulation tactic. (He’s either trying to manipulate you or himself.)

          I’m so sorry this is happening.

        • Anon for this

          My dad is an (untreated) alcoholic too. +1 to the self medicating. My dad has been treated multiple times for depression and anxiety and instead of continuing with meds and therapy, he prefers to self medicate with alcohol. Not to say every alcoholic is like this, but some are and require more than just kicking the addiction – you have to treat the underlying mental/emotional issue too.
          unfortunately, that requires that the alcoholic really wants to do it. you can’t make them. Go to al-anon and/or counseling for yourself, it will help (you at least).
          My sympathies.

          • ohc

            Another kid of an alcoholic father, and I agree with everything that’s been said so far: your husband will not be able to handle this on his own, he will not be able to resume drinking in moderate amounts, and you will likely both want to seek out counseling or other support mechanisms.

            Just to add to the bummerfest, remember that there is some evidence that alcoholism can be inherited–so if you are planning to have children, think about how you’ll teach them about alcohol and other addictive substances.

      • Me

        No, I literally had no idea. I mean, I knew he had a glass of wine with dinner, and I thought that was all he was drinking. But it wasn’t – he was hiding it from me and drinking late into the night or on weekends. I first discovered it two weeks ago when I found his stash of alcohol in his closet. Then yesterday I arrived home and found him drunk – but the only thing that gave it away was the way he talked. Had I not really been listening, I may not have noticed. I can’t believe he hid it so well (or that I was paying so little attention).

        • KLG

          Functioning alcoholics are absolutely a real thing. Not everyone is a stumbling, blathering drunk. Don’t beat yourself up about not having any idea.

        • L

          I have nothing constructive to add except this, you can’t blame yourself. Plenty of addicts hide their problems very well from everyone, including their spouse. Be strong and remember that you can’t make another person change.

        • anon fr 11:13

          agree with what everyone else said, just adding:
          1) this new info indicates he is in denial that this is a serious problem; hiding it is often hiding it from himself as much as it is hiding it from you.
          2) the psychology today website has a good search feature where you can narrow down to those who take your insurance & are near you. you can ask do brief phone interviews to find a good “fit” before making an actual appointment
          3) re: 2), that’s for you – making appts or otherwise trying to get him to do things *for you* instead of because he’s ready to change will likely lead to frustration and disappointment. alcoholism can often be the bully in a family, bullying *you* into warping your own needs, boundaries, and perspective. please take care of yourself!

        • L

          Oh, I do have something constructive to add. Take away his keys (in a manner that keeps you safe).

        • Anon for this

          I’m the anon for this from above. My dad is also high functioning and manages to hold down a job. Many of his friends and acquaintances just think he is “fun loving.” Only those who have lived with him for decades recognize the extent of the problem. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Its almost impossible to figure this out on your own when the alcoholic is high functioning and successful/practiced with hiding it. My dad also had/has a secret stash and only drinks a few in front of us, then many more in secret. Moreover, he’s not a falling-down drunk. He doesn’t slur his words, he doesn’t pass out. If you know what to look for, you can tell from his emotional state, but he’s not like a cartoon drunk, even after 15 shots. I’m rambling, but what i’m trying to get across is: this is in NO WAY your fault, and you absolutely should not waste any time berating yourself for not realizing it sooner.

          • Me

            Thanks Anon – and I’m sorry about your situation with your dad. That has to be frustrating, particularly when his friends and colleagues don’t have any idea the extent of the problem and probably enable him to some extent without realizing it. I appreciate the reassurance; I keep looking for how I might have caused this, but he can’t identify anything and we both realize that he has a really addictive personality generally.

    • Anonymous

      I would suggest he goes to AA and/or an outpatient rehab. You yourself can seek out a counselor or a support group to deal with living with an alcoholic. He can’t just go back to drinking in “social amounts” if he’s an alcoholics. If he wants to stop being an alcoholic, he can never drink again in his life. Most likely he will have relapses. He most likely needs professional help. Best of luck.

      • NOLA

        I just went through a really bad couple of years with a friend/colleague. It was so sad to see her just flush her personal life and career down the toilet. She went to outpatient rehab and she immediately began relapsing when it was over. She was terrified of trying to have a life/job because any stress would send her back to drinking. She went to Hazelden last year and ended up staying in a residential facility longer and then in a sober house. Even then, she was so afraid to leave that structure. She ended up divorced and not working at all. At one point, I had to convince her not to quit her job immediately just so she could go to rehab on our health insurance. The upheaval caused tremendous difficulties at work that we are still feeling. I can’t imagine going through this with a loved one. Do whatever you can to get help for him and yourself. So sorry you’re going through this.

    • SoCalAtty

      I’m so sorry you are going through this!! Many, many members of my family are alcoholics, included my mother, who passed away from complications from her drinking in 2010. I second everything everyone has said so far. He can’t do it on his own, and he can’t ever resume drinking in social situations.

      He MUST go to some form of therapy – not just AA – and, once the current drinking is stopped, he has to keep going on some form of regular basis. Outpaitent rehab can be good, but sometimes inpatient is necessary. You should probably see your own therapist, someone different from his.

      You probably shouldn’t keep any alcohol in the house, either. It is going to be just too much of a temptation for him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Alcoholism is a terrible thing and I hope he is willing to make the change for you. Most importantly – take care of yourself! You didn’t do this to him, it isn’t your fault (it ISN’T!!), and there is nothing you can do to stop it or prevent it. Do not sacrafice your life for his addiction – I did this for my mom when I was younger, and put my self through a lot trying to “stop” her from drinking. They have to want to do it for themselves….

      Good luck, and do keep us updated!

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry that you and your husband are going through this.

      My husband is an alcoholic. We have been together for 13 years, and he quit drinking 12 years ago. I second what others have said about seeking counseling for yourself, seeking counseling for him and a support network for you both. The initial days of him quiting were rough, and it was a complete change in life for both of us. We no longer went out to bars, and I stopped drinking too. We spent many nights at home together in those early days. We completely changed our “scene” and started doing other fun stuff that had nothing to do with drinking. I think he went through a bit of depression as he was reacclimating to life without drinking. My husband (then boyfriend) went to AA once. It just wasn’t for him, but he did receive counseling. I remember it being tough on me, going through it, and I needed the support of our friends and family as I was primarily the one on the front-line.

      In the twelve years since, there have been times where he/we have tried to “drink socially.” Inevitably, we end up pulling back and not drinking. We have and allow no alcohol in the house (even though it frustrates some of our relatives). Over time, I have hit a point where I am completely ok with not drinking, at all. My husband and I are completely up front about it with friends, family and colleauges: “we don’t drink.” We are also very open about it with each other. I check in with him before events (weddings, etc.) and reconfirm that we are on the same page.

      All these years later, and in hindsight, I am so incredibly happy that he quit drinking. It was a rough time (6months? and a couple timese thereafter), but it made us a very strong couple. We have a wonderful life together and are very happy.

      • Me

        Wow – that’s really inspirational. It sounds like a rough period of adjustment, but congrats for your success in 12 years of sobriety. I’m hopeful that we will get to that point, but we both have a lot of work to do to get there. Part of it, however, is what he chooses to do; he’s very stubborn anyway, and I know I can’t make him decide to get better. I hope he makes that decision, as I’d like for us to stay together, particularly for the benefit of our child. As for all you children of alcoholics — wow, I’m listening. It didn’t occur to me that my child may be picking up on his drinking, but I now see that as a serious possibility and one with real consequences, even though he’s never been abusive or ill-tempered, and I wouldn’t expect him to become so given his general personality. But hearing about the impact it can have on her is. . .well, sobering, to say the least. Thanks to all of you for responding. I feel a lot less directionless.

  14. DVF Question

    I impuse-sale-bought a DVF Reina dress that is really cute. Now I think I need something to wear it to. But what? I think it would be good for brunch or a shower, but my life is work and going to the grocery store and dealing with preschool children. Can it go to church? To work on Friday (I’m 5-4, so it’s not short on me)? To the park? To the grocery store until I get a life?

    • downstream

      In my experience you have to create opportunities to wear things like this. This could work for dinner, an afternoon stroll, weekend drinks, etc. I have no idea about church, but if the dress isn’t so short on you I don’t see why not. You could also wear it to work with dark tights and flats.

    • anonforthis

      maybe you shouldn’t put off getting a life… seriously… life is so short! can’t you go to brunch and take the kids or get someone to take care of them for a couple hours? get your SO (if there’s one around) to take the kids while you get brunch with your girlfriends?

      • DVF Question

        :)

        I watched Valley of the Dolls and found it a bit Bollywood with the sudden bursting-into-song. And then I realized that I loved all of the outfits and then I bought the Reina.

        Mommy needs a c*cktail and maybe a Valium.

  15. downstream

    I bought this dress in black and the sleeves are not cute on me. They don’t look anything like the sleeved do on the model. They stick out way more and make it look like I am wearing shoulder -wings. It could be because I have very narrow shoulders but it could also be that the shoulders on the model are pinned down.

  16. anonforthis

    any recs for psychologists (or, i guess, psychiatrists who do talk therapy) in philly? center city area, preferably through penn, and who take blue cross/blue shield? i have a lot of feelings of insecurity/inadequacy (with regard to relationships and just generally) that i want to explore and deal with.

    • Therapists in Philly

      You should try Dr. Christian Jordal who does couples as well as individual therapy. He is right of Rittenhouse Square. You can find his profile and contacts on the Psychology Today therapy finder website (which is a great source of ideas in general). He doesn’t participate in insurance, but I have found the out-of-network reimbursement to sometimes be better than the in-network copay. Of course depends on the details of your plan. Good luck!

    • ohc

      A dear friend had really positive experiences with the Women’s Therapy Center, though I don’t think there’s a Penn affiliation.

      If you are a Penn person, there are also resources through Penn directly–try the EAP if you’re faculty/staff, and I’m sure there’s a comparable network for students.

      • Diana Barry

        No place exciting – it is a summer place close by – but on the ocean! :) My parents will even be around for part of the time to help with child care! :)

  18. Tired Squared

    My company is switching health insurance, and I’m trying to decide between the “traditional option” ($3000 deductible, co-pays, 80% coverage post-deductible) and the high-deductible with HSA ($3000 deductible, no co-pays, 100% coverage post-deductible). I can’t figure out why the HD/HSA plan would be cheaper than the traditional one, but it is. I’d love to hear your thoughts, ladies!

    • Mpls

      I would double check what each plan has in terms of coverage – I’m also trying to figure out why you would even offer the “traditional” plan if the HSA plan has those parameters.

      • Tired Squared

        Exactly! The only thing I could think of is that there would be higher up-front costs with the HSA plan (like for prescriptions), but if I can afford that, then I’d rather pay the lower premium…

        • Mpls

          Pay the lower premium and put the difference into the HSA. Those things are gold.

    • L

      Look at physician coverage in your area. Also, look at drug costs and generic/brand policies.

      • Meara

        Yeah, it could be under the regular plan, prescriptions are always covered (the usual $x for generic, $y for brand, Etc) while on the high deductible plan they’re part of the deductible. If so, think about whether you would hit that deductible with or without prescriptions–I figured I wouldn’t hit mine normally, but if I had to pay for prescriptions I would get much closer, and the difference in price per paycheck between the plans didn’t make enough of a difference for that.

    • Anon

      High deductible is cheaper because it discourages use of health care by making you pay more when you use it. If you are generally healthy and don’t go to the MD that much, it’s a better deal. If you can afford to pay out the $3K deductible if you did get sick and had to pay it all at once, its a better deal.

      • Tired Squared

        That makes a lot of sense, thank you! I basically go to the doctor once a year for my annual, and have been once every 2-3 years for sickness (ear infection, etc). But annual/preventative services are apparently covered under both policies. This is nuts – I feel like I must be missing something!

      • Mpls

        But to have the HSA eligible be cheaper than non-HSA eligible is weird. Typically HD coverage with HSA is more expensive, because the gov’t regulations that permit the HSA part of it also require that the HD insurance cover specific things – like preventative care and maternity – and has limits on what the out of pocket total costs could be.

        Maybe the company is trying to encourage people to use the HSA plan?

        • NYNY

          Note that even after you’ve met the deductible for the HD/HSA plan, you’re paying 20% out of pocket for services covered at 100% by the traditional plan. That’s why there’s a difference in the premium.

          Also, find out how the HSA is funded. Do you have to accrue funds in the HSA with each paycheck? If you had a catastrophic illness or event at the start of the year, would you be able to cover the $3K deductible if your HSA isn’t full yet?

          • Mpls

            But that’s not how the OP listed the plans, unless she’s got them switched. She has the HD/HSA plan with 100% coverage after deductible.

            I know my HD/HSA plan has a 20% co-pay after meeting the deductible, and you pay the 20% until you hit your max out of pocket, and THEN everything is covered 100%. So, yes, that would explain why it would be a cheaper plan.

    • Hel-lo

      HSAs are a godsend. I’d go for that one. If you’re young and single, and don’t meet your deductible ever anyway, then the option is really between you paying for everything, or you paying for everything at a tax-free rate. I’d pick the second option.

    • Eh

      Maybe this is obvious, but I haven’t seen it mentioned…

      Co-pays on the traditional plan means that when you go to the doctor, you pay something like $30 for generalist and $50 for specialist (that’s just an example how my plan works) and insurance pays the balance of the doctor’s charges. Same with prescriptions–mine is a $15 co-pay for generics and $45 for brand names with no generic available. I’ve never had to pay above the copay, and in two years on this plan, I’ve never actually paid a dollar toward that counted toward the $1500 deductible and my out of pocket costs from co-pays are definitely less than $1500 per year.

      On the HD/HSA plan, your insurance would not pay a dime until you hit $3000. If you see a dermatologist and they charge $250 for the office visit, you pay all $250. If your GP runs blood tests that cost $500, you pay that. I’d run the numbers and see what this might cost you–if you only go for annual and that is covered separately, then HD/HSA may be the way to go and a simple calculation. If you anticipate some dr visits and/or prescriptions, it’s at least more complicated.

  20. Gross income

    What constitutes gross income? For ex., my position’s salary is around $80K, but on my taxes my income is listed as $70K. I think that’s my income after my retirement and pension fund contributions. But is it my gross income? I am trying to apply for a housing lottery for gov’t assisted middleclass homes and there are income caps that DH & I would meet if we’re talking about income listed after contributions, but not if we’re talking pure listed salary. Can I put down the lower number from our taxes or must I go with stated salary? TIA.
    PS: Apologies if this is a dumb question. I feel like this is something I should know but I can’t quite say that I do.

      • Mpls

        This. The income after the 401k and pre-tax deductions is your taxable income. But gross is everything you earn before anything is taken out.

    • DVF Question

      Is it “adjusted gross income”? That is what is on the bottom of the front of your 1040. A lot of this is keyed off of tax-related things. If it isn’t AGI, you may need to look up a few rows on your tax return. It should be spelled out somewhere (and if not, the people administering the program should be able to tell you what they want). Usually it is income – “stuff,” but I wouldn’t assume if they aren’t using standard terms.

    • Eh

      This is not true. “Gross income” is generally a catch-all, but it does specifically exclude certain things as provided by statute, such as 401k contributions and the value of employer provided health insurance.

      Taxable income differs from AGI in that it’s after itemized deductions (or the standard) and personal exemptions.

      In any event, I think the OP needs to ask the housing authority what *their* definition of gross income is. They probably have a line number from the 1040 that they can tell you.

      • Eh

        Sorry, that was meant to be a reply to Mpls. Got the ‘posting too quickly’ error and put it in the wrong place on refresh.

  21. Anonymous

    Because I’m in a traveling mood, but I’m budget-challenged at the moment –

    If you had $2,000 and 2 free weeks, where would you go? What would you do? How far away would you go, and how long could you make that stretch?

    • Anne Shirley

      Nova Scotia. I’d drive up, find a tiny rustic cheap place to stay, and spend my time hiking and reading and taking deep breaths. I think I could just about squeak it out if I was very budget conscious on the ground.

    • Merabella

      partly depends on where you are. I would definitely look into renting an apartment at your desired location vs. getting a hotel room – that way you could cook your meals to save additional $$. And is the $2000/just you or does that include SO/friend going with you?

      You could also look into a cruise – super cheap right now because of all of the hullabaloo – but most of the time safe – and all inclusive…

    • Equity's Darling

      I’d book the cheapest flight to any European city and stay in a hostel, I could definitely make $2K work for 2 weeks, particularly if if was smart about food (farmers markets/street food) and taking advantage of free museum days, etc. Assuming an $800 flight (you might find cheaper…Canadian flights are not though), leaving $1200 for 14 days…let’s say $40/night in a hostel, which is a pricey one and if you get a single room, that leaves you ~$50/day spending money. I’d probably cheap out on food and spend lots on museums, but I’m sure others would go the opposite way and have a reasonably nice lunch and wander the city instead. You could have way more spending money if you did a dorm in a hostel for like $20/night. I basically did most of my exchange in Europe this way and I was totally content.

      I would say somewhere in Asia if you can find a cheap flight, because once you’re there, it can be verrry cheap, from what I’ve heard.

    • gouda

      Turkey! I went in January and had a wonderful time. Istanbul really is Paris of the east. The flight was cheaper than flying anywhere else in Europe ($550 in the dead of winter). My hotel, in the heart of Istanbul, was ~$45 a night (although was a walkup). I took Atlasjet (Turkish Southwest) down to Izmir to visit Ephesus. I wish I had spent an extra day in Izmir to see the synogogues (which has to be arranged in advance). I did go to Pamukkale, which was incredible, but missed Cappadocia, which I regret.

      • Equity's Darling

        Did you do turkey on your own? I want to go in April I think, but I’m a solo female traveller and I don’t know whether I should be doing it with G Adventures or if I can go on my own? Or another recommended your group perhaps?

        • Equity's Darling

          Recommended *tour* group.

          And I have never seen flights that cheap to Turkey, I wonder whether it would be cheaper to fly to the US or London then book another cheaper flight from there…

        • TO Lawyer

          I’m actually dying to go to Turkey too – it’s apparently amazing. Check Turkish airlines – sometimes they have decently priced flights or so I’ve heard.

        • Ru

          I went to Turkey last May with my sister but I would have felt totally safe alone. No harassment, very modern with amazing historical architecture. It is SUCH a wonderful place. We mostly stayed in Istanbul but we did a day flight down to Ephesus for $60 USD per person. YES, THAT’S THE ROUND TRIP FLIGHT COST. We paid ~$600 per person roundtrip from JFK to Istanbul in May 2012 via Turkish Airlines.

          The museums and the shopping there are UHMAZING. YOU MUST GO.

        • bgo

          I did Turkey on my own. On the whole it was a great experience, however, be prepared that you could have some bad interactions with men. I will say the days of that trip I had the best time were days I was with a group tour (which I did for Pammukale and Ephesus) and the day I had a private tour guide in Istanbul (pricey but SOOOO worth the money – both in having a male guide and his incredible knowledge of history and art I was not as familiar with.) The problem I found in being alone in Turkey is that 1) it is such a rarity there that it makes you really stick out and people comment on it all the time and 2) it isn’t somewher you can just “grab a drink at a bar” (which is what I tend to do traveling alone- which I do for business at least 2 weeks a month). I did have two very unpleasant experiences with Turkish men in public places where I never thought I would have a problem. But, it was an incredible trip and Istanbul is an absolutely amazing city. I also spent time in Antayla on the coast (which is gorgeous) and rented a car and drove to some towns a bit inland from there – now that attracted a LOT of attention, though again not really negative in that area, just curious and a total cultural difference. Just be prepared that traveling in Turkey alone is very different from traveling in the UK or most of mainland Europe alone. But if you dress appropriately, and stay in a safe area and safe hotel, and generally keep your wits about you- you will be fine:)

        • Anon

          I did Turkey with a group of female friends a few years ago and loooooved it, but there was a *lot* of street harassment and a few incidents of being groped on the street or on public transportation. I was alone in the city for a couple of days and did not venture out at night by myself at all. Two of my friends were on a bus alone with the driver and an attendant and the driver left the established route and took them to a deserted area. My friend called someone she knew in the country and put him on the phone with the attendant. The friend told the attendant to take the women back to a highly trafficked area and threatened to call the police. My two friends were fine, but it was a very scary situation.

        • gouda

          I went with a friend but stayed a few days after she left. I felt safe, but salesmen in the tourist area are definitely hard-sell, which I found annoying. (People would walk beside me, strike up a conversation, and try to lure me into their shop. In retrospect I shouldn’t have responded to their initial conversational volley.) I had more problems with salesmen when my friend left, but I had also gone into full tourist mode with a backpack and sneakers, which probably made me look like an easy mark. I got an unsually good deal on the tickets, mainly because I went in Janaury.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Agreed. Turkey is wonderful! Not sure on cost because I went with a school program in college, but it’s a really great place to visit if you can do it for cheap.

        Depending on my mood/level of stress at work, if I had 2 weeks and wanted something calmer than site seeing somewhere, I’d probably just go sit on a beach in the Caribbean somewhere and do nothing. Vieques, perhaps, which can be done super-cheap.

    • Lynnet

      Maybe look into getting a flight plus hotel? When my husband and I went to Japan, we were able to get a flight plus hotel for two weeks (in Osaka) through expedia for less than the cost of the flight alone. It was about $1500/person at the time, although I wouldn’t recommend trying to do two weeks in Japan with only $500 for food and spending money.

    • LH

      If you’re traveling alone or if the $2000 is for a couple/family, I’d do a desert southwest driving trip. I’d fly to Vegas from the bay area, which is cheap (<$200 per person at non-peak times), and drive from there. I'd go to the Grand Canyon and a bunch of National Parks in Utah, particularly Bryce, Zion and Arches. I consider myself fairly well-traveled but its a part of the country I've never really been to and all of those places are beautiful. Of course a few days in Vegas are a must (I inexplicably love Vegas, even though I don't drink or gamble). Hotels there are cheap (assuming you avoid holiday weekends) and you can get great deals like free buffets or gambling money thrown in as part of a package.
      If it's $2000 for one person and you have a friend/SO to split hotel costs with, I'd do at least 2 and maybe 3 Hawaiian islands (Big Island, Kauai, Maui are faves in that order). From California, we can get flights there for as little as $300 if you wait for a good deal to come around and don't go at a popular time (summer, Christmas, etc). Hotels for under $200 a night should be doable, which works out to $1400 each. I guess that doesn't leave much for food and activities, so maybe go for only 11 or 12 nights.
      It depends a lot on what area of the country you're in. If you're in the east, Hawaii is probably cost-prohibitive but you can get tickets to Europe for around $500 (or at least you could a few years ago, when I lived there) so I'd do that.

  23. Anon

    Financial related TJ: how do those of you with a spouse/partner share and keep track of your various financial/insurance/etc related accounts? My husband and I have merged finances, but because we married later in life, we have quite a few accounts. We’re struggling with the best way to keep track of the identity and log-in information for all of these accounts (plus email accounts insurance info, etc in the even of an emergency). We have no issues sharing all of this information with each other, and both of our names our own accounts where it’s feasible (but not always possible, school loans for example). My husband is not crazy with writing down all of the information in one place (which I understand) but we are both leery of using an online password manager long-term (both security and longevity concerns). Does any body have any suggestions? TIA!

    • Snowy

      I don’t know, but would love to hear what others say!

      It seems there is only so much you can combine- we have all our rolled-over-IRAs and other investments with one brokerage firm (so at least the separate accounts are linked), but of course each of our employers uses a different one, so that’s where our current 401(k)s are.

      We are buying a house and getting all the money in one account from several different accounts was harder than you would think. I wish I’d thought more about combining accounts or at least linking them earlier!

    • B

      Maybe this is old school, but I keep it all in a spreadsheet (f0r myself, with code words for the actual passwords that will prompt me to the right phrase/number combo). I use a mix of personal info and foreign languages spread between a few languages to help me keep it “coded.”

      • big dipper

        My parents do this. They have a set of 10 varying things that they use to form passwords and each has a code word. It’s obvious to them what the code word means, but it wouldn’t be to another person.

        In terms of passwords, I highly recommend the “1 rule” password system. My BF recommended it and it’s great. You’d never struggle to remember a password again. Also, he changes the passwords regularly by simply updating the rule.

        Link: http://lifehacker.com/184773/geek-to-live–choose-and-remember-great-passwords

    • Diana Barry

      We have accounts in 4 places. Regular bank for checking and my DH’s business accounts; Schwab for taxable investments, 529s, his retirement accounts, and my rollover IRAs; Fidelity for my 401k (can’t be moved); and Capital One (used to be ING) for emergency fund. The Capital One account barely earns any interest, but it is better than zero.

      If you have legacy accounts (IRAs and 401ks from old employers), you might think about rolling those over to Schwab or Vanguard, someplace with low fees. You can consolidate that way. I find Mint to be helpful, also, because it lets you see all your accounts in one place.

    • rosie

      We have a password manager, 1Password (I think this is what it’s called). You have a master PW, and then once unlocked it will log you into whatever websites you’ve put in there with the correct login and PW.

    • Anon

      I would write them down and store them in a safe place – maybe a safe? The quality of password managers vary, not all are secure, and I find them to be a pain to deal with. You’re much more likely to get hacked than someone is to physically be in your house looking for passwords.

    • Hel-lo

      Check with an Estate Planning attorney. I just got married and we met with one, and updated our wills. They will often have suggestions about managing your digital accounts, too.

      My husband and I started using Mint.com. It’s super handy. You can put in all your accounts (including the value of your house/mortgage!) and it keeps track of your budget for you. I was doing it in Excel before, and while Mint isn’t exactly as flexible as my own system, it is simpler, and I can get my DH to use it, and it doesn’t take as much time.

  24. wood floors TJ

    To owners of condos/houses with wood floors: Do you wish you had refinished the floors before you moved in?

    We have the opportunity to do so, and feel like we should take advantage because of the hassle of moving all our stuff/covering vents/putting up sheets to block doorways/smells like polyurethane for a week/etc.

    However, the floors aren’t terrible, and I’m wondering if it’s worth it? How long have you waited to refinish yours? The house is about 45 years old, and all we know is they haven’t been refinished in the last 7 years.

    • tesyaa

      If you have kids/pets who will scratch the floors up, you may regret spending $$$ on refinishing floors that are not terrible as is. My father always tells me to wait on cosmetic home improvements until the kids are out of the house. (It’s taking a while).

    • RJ

      Probably worth it. The previous owners of our house had done it, and now 4 years later they are looking pretty shabby again. One of my big regrets after moving into our house was not taking care of things like paint, replacing carpet, etc that are so so so much easier before all the stuff gets moved in, so anything you possibly think you might want done in the next couple of years, go for it now!

    • anon prof

      I’ve redone them both places I bought before I moved in. In my current home, I redid them after 8 years (2 kids and 2 cats = enough damage to make it worth redoing for me). It’s something that is super hard to do after you’re already in the place b/c you have to remove everything, it stinks, there is dust everywhere and you realistically can’t go back in for days. Much much worse than repainting the walls. I’d do it before moving in if you can.

    • Nonny

      If you can afford it, do it before you move in. Once you have moved in all your furniture and yourselves, you won’t ever want to do it again. If the floors aren’t bad, it might just mean that the refinishers have less work to do and charge you a bit less.

      • In the Pink

        +1,000,000

        we do our own renovation work which means we live in the midst of it all. So bloody hard to paint rooms, redo flooring or change flooring because of furniture in the house.

        Do it first, even if you have to delay your move-in. Worth it. Many companies will charge more or simply will not move any furniture.

        • Betty

          Yes! We are in the midst of redoing the hardwood floors in our main living area ourselves, including our kitchen. It is a pain to live in the middle of it all — including that we had to turn the gas off to move the stove, and our toddler got sick in the middle of it all, so…. one week later no progress on the floors and cold shower for me every day. I just keep telling myself that it will be worth it.

    • Anon

      If paying for it isn’t an issue and they look a little worn, do it now. You’ll never feel like refinishing them once you’ve moved in.

    • mascot

      We didn’t. We have oak hardwoods that are scratched but still have a 95% intact finish on them (floors are probably 10 years old). With a small child and two dogs, it didn’t make sense to spend the money on floors that would be damaged again within the week.

    • abogada

      I had my wood floors refinished before I moved into my new house a few months ago, and I’m soooo happy I did. The floors were not in great shape though – super scuffed over large areas and in every room, and they were stained a color I didn’t particularly like.

    • Charlotte

      To-o-o-o-tally do them before you move in. We had that opportunity and took it, and even though 4 years later with two little kids, they are dinged in some places (mainly the kitchen and eating area), there is no way we’d ever consider it after moving in. We did it mainly because we wanted to change the color from the ’80s/90s kind of yellow to more of a mid-tone brown. I would like my house significantly less with all that yellow around.

      Others have talked about paint. We did that, too, in as many rooms as needed it, and that was helpful, too. But if I had had to choose one pre-move cosmetic thing only, it would still have been the floors.

    • OP

      thanks for all the tips! The point about kids/pets actually makes me more likely to want to do it now- we shouldn’t have little kiddos running around banging toys on the floor for another 2+ years, and our cat is outdoors/in the basement 90% of the time.

      Cost is a bit of a hold-up, as nearly all our liquid assets will be poured into the downpayment. We have some extra cash for move-in expenses (agreed, we’re definitely getting rid of the moss green walls in the living room!!) but dropping another few thousand dollars on refinishing the floors is not ideal. Theoretically our air conditioner could break the day we move in (or whatever) and we’d like to have cash around for those sorts of things, now that we’re going to be homeowners!

    • anon

      I have owned a hardwood flooring company for the last 10 years. I would do it before. It would be much easier than doing it later on. And second of all, if you use a water-based finish, it dries within an hour, and there shouldn’t be much of a smell at all, especially after a couple of days.

    • AN

      Yes! I just did a 5 yr facelift of our place including re-varnishing the wood floors. Do it now while you have the chance.

  25. Anon

    Anyone a patient of Dr. Michael Warren, an obgyn in Manhattan? Looking for any reviews. TIA!

  26. nice cube

    can anyone recommend a primary care physician in DC? why does this city full of intellectuals have the worst medical care?!

    • Anon

      OMG, seriously. I have had the worst time. What is it with DC? I go to the GW medical faculty. I get bounced around a bit when doctors leave, but I appreciate having everything in one integrated system (e.g., there’s a patient portal that has all the results of every test that any doctor in the system has ever ordered for me). I see Drs. Boinest and Coe right now (I think one is actually my doctor but they’re in the same practice and so I usually get whoever has space in her calendar). Dr. Boinest can be a little brusque, and Dr. Coe often seems to have some inside joke I’m not quite getting, but I like them both and they both seem very competant (I have no real way of knowing — I’m a lawyer with no doctors in the family). Also it’s really easy to get a referral to a specialist (since they usually have someone in the system already) and all the labs etc. for getting tests are pretty centrally located.

    • Bonnie

      I’d love a recommendation too. It seems like so many GPs are not taking new patients.

    • DC Wonkette

      I recommend Dr. Lisa Kaufman — very straightforward and easy to talk to. DH (pre-H) switched to her about 6 months ago, so hopefully she is still accepting new clients.

  27. Hollis

    Last week I posted about my need for some kind of organizing system to keep my bathroom counter tidy and I found it, ordered it, and am thrilled with it. Let’s just hope things stay neat. This is a great system for people who don’t have counter space because it fits on top of the back of a toilet seat as well.

    • New Bride

      I’d be worried about bacteria getting on the back of the toilet seat. Someone told me once to store your toothbrush 6 feet away from the toilet in the bathroom, and I’ve been worried about that ever since.

      I also hated that commercial a few years ago where the woman was wiping the counters with a raw chicken. It was an ad for Clorox wipes. The raw chicken was to indicate that your counters aren’t as clean when you wipe them with the wet sponge. You better believe I ran right out and got some Clorox wipes.

      • Veronique

        I always keep a sponge that I use for dishes and a cloth that is only used for cleaning in my kitchen. Both get disinfected regularly. It can be as simple and inexpensive as zapping it in the microwave for a few minutes or throwing it in the washer/dryer. When used with antibacterial spray (as necessary) it’s so much better for the earth and my wallet than disposable wipes.

  29. Anonymous

    Pregnancy TJ. 11 weeks pg here and I have a lot of questions. I’m under 30 and not sure if I want to do the 1st Tri Screening test. Did any of you do it? Why/not? Also I’m worried about gestational diabetes, for no reason other than all I’m craving is chocolate chip cookies. I know gestational diabetes is very serious and I feel like I should forgo all sweets for the next 7 months (but that thought makes me so sad!). Ideas/thoughts? Thanks ladies.

    • Anonymous

      You either have GD or you don’t. Risk factors tend to align with risk factors for Type 2 diabetes (BMI, etc.) I don’t think eating chocolate is going to doom you.

      We planned to keep both our kids no matter what the genetic tests told us, so given that info, our doctor said testing didn’t have all that much benefit. I do have one friend whose test revealed that her child had a strong likelihood of being born with Downs (I think?). But her baby was fine; she thought the test caused her unnecessary worry. I have another friend-of-friend whose genetic tests revealed a serious issue and chose to terminate—she found the testing helpful for that reason.

      Good luck!

    • ML

      I did the testing. I ended up being very glad I did- it provided some peace of mind. My best friend didn’t do the testing because she knew she was keeping her baby no matter what. I think that makes a difference- if the tests reveal something serious, is termination an option? Even if not, some people find it helpful to know so that they can prepare in advance/plan to take more time off, etc.

      Don’t worry about GD. There are tons of things to worry about in pregnancy…GD, preeclampsia, genetic defects, preterm labor, its basically endless. If you get freaked out about it too much at 11 weeks you’ll be in for a long ride. Eat as healthy as you can, have the occasional treat, and try to keep your weight gain within the recommended parameters. If you go outside of that, just talk to your doctor and she can tell whether you need to cut back or not. Even if you do get it, its not the end of the world. Just do your best!

      • Joanna Toews

        I agree with ML. I know people who wouldn’t have terminated no matter what, but they did the first trimester screening (which lead to diagnostic testing)… and the DID find out about some potentially serious complications. Basically, there were some heart issues that the doctors operated on right after delivery. (I don’t know the details.)

        But it’s up to you. If you’re the type of person who likes to know everything they can ASAP, then it would be a good idea. If you’re the type of person who just gets stressed out with too much information, maybe not.

        Best of luck with the GD!

    • Bizzyb

      I’m a little past 11 weeks, and have the screening scheduled over the next 2 weeks. I’m 35, so my odds are a little different than yours, but the primary reason is that I’m just a worrier and would rather know. I’m not sure if we would terminate based on the information. If this test looks good, though, I’ll probably forgo the amnio, even though the screen isn’t 100%. Given that there’s zero risk with this test, as far as miscarriage, it seems like an easy way to go. The numbers vary in different places, but it’s something like 85% accurate as far as true negatives, with a 5% false positive rate.

  30. Lululemon

    I don’t own any lululemon products and would like to get some….any particular recommendations? is it worth the price?

    • Aon

      No. They are yoga clothes. The stuff I have gotten from Target is largely just as good. You’re paying for a name.

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