Workwear Hall of Fame: Kendra Scott ‘Elisa’ Pendant Necklace

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1. My mom has Alzheimer’s. She is completely incompetent (think losing huge checks that come in the mail, ordering expensive home repairs that my parents’ home doesn’t need, and spending hundreds of dollars taking out near-strangers for dinner when they “help” her with something).

   My dad is disabled and immuno-suppressed. He is her punching bag. Two months ago, when he couldn’t take it anymore, he flew out here to stay with me. The dream of every single 30-something woman. My mom continues to spend, spend, spend and to crow about how great she is doing by herself. Her doctors refuse to declare her incompetent.

   I live 1500 miles away from my parents’ home. I work an 80 hour a week job. At this point, the only solution seems to quit said job – maybe TODAY – and move in with my parents to be a referee and caregiver. I have two single young and (for these purposes) worthless brothers.

   I’m also terrified of spending down my savings to support them and then being penniless and single when I follow in my mother’s footsteps in 20 years. Shocker: nobody wants to date a thirty-something single parent of two disabled senior citizens.

   I was going to get promoted in 2 months. I am so sad and defeated and angry that this is going to be my life for the next ~25 years, after I worked so hard to put myself through school, etc. I am bitter that I’m not married, with the luxury of “going part-time” at work or some such nonsense or letting my DH help make this more manageable. I love my parents but I feel like their mule.

   Is there an option I am missing? They don’t have any money and I have some money but no time and the distance is too great.

   1. No, no, no.

      Do not sacrifice your life for this. There has to be a better way. Get your brothers involved, find a social worker, take a week or two to get the lay of the land if you must, or even a longer FMLA leave, but do not give up your whole life to do this. No, no, no.

      Especially, don’t let your brothers off the hook!

      1. If it were me, I’d have her declared incompetent if possible, sell the house, and put them in whatever facility the proceeds will pay for.

         1. Bring them to you. You keep your job, make them move. Not easy, but do-able.

            1. Note that if you move them close to you, their care will absolutely fall to you instead of your brothers. It’s just how it works. This stuff is really hard to manage from afar.

      2. Seconded. If your parents have any money, then that needs to be the first defense against anyone being penniless. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but you CANNOT handle this alone and you shouldn’t even try. These are real diseases and problems and they need big solutions.

         1. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Have you considered hiring a probate/ guardianship attorney? They would be able to start the process of getting her declared incompetent as to ‘person and estate,’ or just estate only. In most states, a neutral guardian ad litem is appointed to investigate everything, including finances, and recommend whether or not the person is competent. The GAL can also determine the person is competent as to ‘estate’ only, which means someone else takes control of the finances. Even if docs say she is ‘competent,’ any decent GAL will look at the spending pattern and determine she is incompetent at least as to estate. If she is declared incompetent, a court can order that the finances be turned over to a 3rd party (company, usually) for management, so it won’t necessarily need to be you holding the purse strings. The 3rd party can also deal with things like selling the house.

   2. I don’t have any advice for you but just wanted to say i was sorry that you have to deal with this. No matter what, don’t forget to take care of yourself during this time.

   3. Why won’t her doctors declare her incompetent? You need to tackle that. Do NOT give up your career for this.

      1. this. get a second opinion for sure. erratic and irresponsible spending should be enough to invoke at least some level of financial control

      2. I am sitting here practically screaming at my computer! PLEASE! Do not quit your job! Please don’t!

         Do whatever it takes to have her declared incompetent. Sell the house. Use the proceeds to move them both into a specialized facility. If there are not enough proceeds, start discussions with your brothers about how you are all going to share the cost of support.

         And also, I am so sorry. You are in a tough spot. It is so hard to feel like you’re doing it alone – and even more so when you have siblings who are in denial or checked out. I am so sorry.

      3. I’d suggest going with her to a doctor’s appointment. Also, consult a lawyer (ASAP) about getting healthcare and financial powers of attorney. Then you can make some decisions about how to proceed while also have some ability to direct the situation. If you really want to go the legal incompetency route, have the lawyer discuss with you what that entails.

   4. Don’t give up your career. That is not the answer at all.

      If I were you, I’d take a week or two off work (“emergency family crisis”), fly out to where they live, meet with a geriatric social worker to help you get things sorted out. There are a lot of options and resources available, and there can be consequences in terms of what your parents qualify for (medicare, medicaid, etc) if you start paying their expenses or move in with them. Before you do anything or make any long-term decisions, meet with a social worker and/or elder law attorney so you are going into whatever you decide to do with all the information, aware of your options and their consequences.

      1. FWIW I’ve had a sort of similar crisis with my idiot alcoholic spendthrift doomsday prepper dad when his second wife died– I completely jumped into the “OMG MY LIFE IS OOOOOVEEERRRR MY DAD IS GOING TO DIE IN A GUTTER UNLESS I FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIM” narrative, but that was all coming from a place of panic and anxiety during a very stressful time at work. Of course this sh&t only happens in the middle of tax season. Anyway, long story short, he ended up finding a good place to live, and now, more than a year later, everything is fine.

         It was very upsetting at the time, but things are okay now. And things will be okay again for you. You are probably just so overwhelmed that you aren’t thinking clearly, and just need a break to get things figured out.

   5. FWIW I’ve had a sort of similar crisis with my idiot alcoholic spendthrift doomsday prepper dad when his second wife died– I completely jumped into the “OMG MY LIFE IS OOOOOVEEERRRR MY DAD IS GOING TO DIE IN A GUTTER UNLESS I FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIM” narrative, but that was all coming from a place of panic and anxiety during a very stressful time at work. Of course this sh&t only happens in the middle of tax season. Anyway, long story short, he ended up finding a good place to live, and now, more than a year later, everything is fine.

      It was very upsetting at the time, but things are okay now. And things will be okay again for you. You are probably just so overwhelmed that you aren’t thinking clearly, and just need a break to get things figured out.

   6. Thanks for the responses ladies.

      1. My brothers just…can’t. What can I ask them to do, relocate? Quit THEIR jobs? I’ve broached the subject of money before – 1 brother is barely scraping by and the other makes MORE money than me, no student loans, etc., but he just says he can’t help every time. Meanwhile he takes multiple international vacations a year, season sports tickets, etc. He already avoids me because I try to get him to spend more than Christmas day at our parents’ house every year.

      2. Incompetence. My dad thinks her doctor doesn’t want to face her wrath. Also, she is quite the actress. She will not let my dad go with her anymore to doc appointments and my dad has sent long emails to the doctor(s) documenting her decline that clearly go unread or un-heeded. Her primary doctor mentioned putting her on a cash allowance years ago and she bit his head off. So he put nothing in writing and things roll merrily along. Also, just having her declared incompetent will take months and thousands of dollars…I’ll have to quit my job just to get that done.

      3. Their house is crumbling, large but low value, and in an area where it could take years to sell. My dad is in denial, has spent about $100k on “needed” improvements in the last year “to do things the right way” and thinks he will get a princely sum. My mom throws a MASSIVE temper tantrum if anyone mentions selling the house. She insists my dad can buy a second house to live in. “All our friends [[who made much more money than you, mom]] have second homes.” Money discussions are completely futile with her. She quickly defaults to “but I HAVE money” – yeah, mom, 3k in a checking account.

      I hear you ladies on all these things – have her declared incompetent, sell the house, etc. — but

      1) I can’t attend to those things while working; and
      2) Proceeds from the sale of their house might be enough for 2 years of assisted living for her only.

      1. Then when the house is sold and the money is gone (with whatever your father gets to keep as the community spouse), she goes into a Medicaid-paid nursing facility.

         Take a couple weeks of leave. Figure out what you need to figure out. Live with the idea of being the front-line person, on site, with a different job. Don’t make any decisions before you take this two week period.

         I’m sorry to say that the options really are as bad as they seem in this situation. These issues get very little attention but bankrupt middle-class families fast. Even worse, the horrors of the situation tear the families apart.

         1. This.

         2. If you work 80 hours per week, even one or two weeks of leave (vacation, FMLA, whatever) will be SO productive. Leave your father where he is with a nurse or even friend to check on him and go take care of your mother in person, by yourself. This is so, so hard – I know, I’ve been there. But stay calm, meditate, and you can do this.

      2. 1. Brother #1 – have him call regularly and indicate repeatedly that he trusts your advice/supports your position on items 2/3/4 below. Send Brother #2 a short but pointed email about how he is putting all this on your plate and it is not fair and he needs to step up – expect that he will ignore and continue as he has been.

         2. speak with a geriatric social worker to determine your options on the medical front – can be done over the phone. Medical issues will have to be worked out without help of current doctor.

         3. Do not discuss financial matters with them at all – hang up if they try to talk about renos/cheques etc. Make it meeting with credit counsellor – them and you – a condition of any discussion on financial matters

         4. Look into your family leave options to deal with this. Take leave but don’t quit unless you want to quit for other reasons.

      3. Can your dad move the money somewhere she can’t get it? It sounds like there must be m0ney somewhere, if he’s spent $100k in the past year.

         1. Can your dad divorce your mom as a means of taking away financial access? That way, she might only be able to piss away half their collective savings.

      4. You can tell your brothers that you are practically at the point of quitting your job over this but that it isn’t really a viable option and they need to step up and tell you what they can do to help.

         For brother #2 can you tell him that if he can’t help by being there can he at least help with behind the scenes (making phone calls, etc) or by footing the bills? Not to be a jerk, but lay the guilt into him, and if he doesn’t take it, then you pretty much cut him out as a lost cause and he doesn’t get a say.

      5. It doesn’t sound to me like she actually has Alzheimer’s. That’s a serious diagnosis with doctors involved. If she’s functioning, healthy, taking care of herself/the house, I’m not sure why you’re thinking of quitting your job and moving for all of this. She’s irresponsible with money, sure, but you aren’t responsible for your parents’ finances.

         1. Yes, this.

            Maybe what really needs to happen is for your dad to divorce her and go into Medicare-funded care on his own once his money runs out.

         2. Exactly. When you said completely incompetent I was thinking unable to toilet herself and at risk of burning the house down. Sounds like the risk is them being poor. Yup. That might happen. Don’t impoverish yourself too.

         3. I have a family member with Alzheimer’s and what the OP is describing were some of the first warning signs in our case that we should’ve picked up on but missed. I agree that the OP should have her mother officially assessed and diagnosed, but I do think what she’s describing can be indicative of dementia for sure.

      6. On the money thing – face her wrath. I’d think your dad can get his hands on the money? Make him DO it. Move it into something that does not have her name on it. Problem solved. Once set up, you can be added to the accounts as well (not credit! Only stuff you wouldn’t later be liable for) to help monitor remotely.

         I did this for my grandparents in the later years. My name was on all accounts, so then if I saw something “funny” I could put a stop to it right there. When my grandpa passed, it made paying off final debts super easy.

         Good luck. The irresponsibility with money was the first sign of my grandmother’s developing dementia.

      7. I know you feel like you don’t have options, but you do. I have been involved cases like this and an attorney group I work with regularly frequently handles issues like this.

         Talk to an attorney, and a social worker. Yes you’ll need to get a different doctor. But a lot of this can be handled remotely – you’ll probably need to go out for a couple weeks, but you can set up appointments and referrals by phone, and then go. Yes it might take time to get everything settled, but not all day every day – you don’t need to quit your job.

      8. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If one of your parents is a veteran, call the VA hospital closest to them and ask for a social worker. I am not kidding when I say the one who helped me with my parent was a godsend.

   7. Welcome to caregiving. I’m in a different situation, in that in my case it is my young spouse, but the challenges can be quite similar. I echo the thoughts to take a couple weeks to go out there and see where things stand – go to doctors with them, find local advocates (a sympathetic doc), tour memory care facilities, go through financials if you can, etc. Then figure out what you have.

      It may be time to sell the house and liquidate their savings for care. It may be time for you or siblings to move there and take care of them. It may be time to hire caregivers for them that they don’t really want, but you know they need. It may be time for you/siblings to leave your job and take care of them, or to decide to fund care resources for them yourselves. (I’m being really honest here – these may be on the table)

      And find your own resources – your dependable friends, online support groups, a local attorney or financial advisor, etc.

      1. Yes- and please remember that there are professionals (like geriatric social workers) who can help you navigate whatever social assistance systems are offered in your state and help your parents that way financially. I would be surprised if you and your brothers had to bear the entire burden without such state assistance. Make it clear to your brothers that their involvement is not optional.

   8. Another +1 for “don’t quit your job, take FMLA and see if you can work something out then”.

      FWIW, if your dad is immuno compromised and has a current doctor, you may be able to get FMLA paperwork filled out initially related to helping him – so you don’t have to start by trying to deal with your mother’s doctors getting paperwork filled out first. Or start with a “family emergency” week of vacation and then switch to FMLA.

      Has she been actually formally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or is that just what you suspect based on her actions? Whether or not she has a diagnosis in hand may make a difference in how you can proceed.

      If she hasn’t been declared incompetent, you may actually be better off if you can get her to sign over medical and/or financial power of attorney now to you or your father. I know you say your brothers are useless, but can they at least help if you give them specific instructions like “I need you to make these phone calls and find out X” or “I need you to come stay with Mom during week Y” or “I need to send Dad to stay with you while I deal with Mom”?

      Also, I’m so sorry you are going through this. My husband’s father is also going through some really stupid and expensive decision making (spending money he doesn’t have getting a roof replaced that totally doesn’t need it and bouncing a bunch of checks to do it, for instance) and his father had Alzheimer’s, so now we’re trying to figure out how much of this is actually dementia and how much is him just making poor decisions (he was never the sharpest crayon in the box, and he has always made impulsive decisions). My poor MIL has her hands full trying to keep him busy all day when she is at work so he doesn’t spend even more money they don’t have or attempt a project that will burn the house down. She is now in the process of deciding if she needs to take early retirement to care for him, and if they can afford to do so – or if they can afford for her not to given how much trouble he gets up to.

      I’d never realized just how difficult the early stages of Alzhemeir’s/dementia truly are, when you have to figure out a way to take away a grown adult’s independence for their own good/sake of the family. It’s rough, and I’m sending you big hugs.

   9. Move your parents to you. Not necessarily with you. If they have a house now, you should be able to sell that house and by a smaller place near you with the money. Easier said than done, I know. My parents are not yet to the point of needing assistance but they are elderly and I have made very clear to them that they will be coming to me, not be to them. Every time I’ve moved, I’ve told them about the elder care places I have found near me or the price of single story homes, retirement communities, etc.

      Second, you have to play chicken with your siblings a bit. They aren’t stepping up because you are. If you have to, explain it to your parents. Tell them that you are going to need some help from your brothers and they are only going to help after you have said no once or twice too. Why do they get to say no and you don’t get to? Say no and stick to your guns beyond the point of it being uncomfortable. One of them will likely cave. Then you can step up to “help” or wait to help at the next crisis.

      Could your parents take turns living with each of the three of you? That’s what my high school best friend’s family did with grandma. There were four siblings and each one took grandma for three months of the year. In your case it is four months but a lot more manageable than 12 months.

      My coworker’s mom recently passed away. She was doing most of the work and her sister wasn’t helping at all. One day, my coworker just drove mom to her sister’s house and said “I need a break, she is staying here for the weekend.” Left her mom there with a suitcase and came back on Monday. The sister made it work.

      But, this is also a know your family situation. My Aunt is mentally ill and was not able to help in my Nana’s care. My dad tried to push it, thinking she was faking the extent of her illness. My Aunt ended up doing some pretty awful things and she was telling the truth that she couldn’t help with elder care. She really couldn’t care for herself.

      1. You hit the nail on the head with the “chicken” idea. Your brothers aren’t stepping up because you’ve made it abundantly clear that you will even if they don’t. Make sure that they change that assumption and fast. This is a team effort.

      2. I’ve also heard of people setting up a weekly or monthly conference call with all the siblings so that everyone can be on the same page at the same time. Instead of bringing it up ad hoc with your brothers individually, setting up a regular time to talk through what is currently happening and options for moving forward and then splitting up responsibilities could be helpful.

         I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ll echo the chorus that none of you should quit your jobs for this. That just doesn’t seem feasible. Your parents are in the middle of serious money issues and you have some savings, but you’ll have no income if you quit. What will you be living off of?

         1. Many many caregivers end up impoverished bc quitting their job is the best/only option. FYI

   10. +1 for “don’t quit your job.” I’m going to advocate that you put your own oxygen mask on first right now. It sounds like you have a ton on your plate and are understandably overwhelmed. It is near impossible to make solid, rational decisions while hyperventilating. Take at least a few days off to take care of yourself first and foremost: sleep, exercise, eat healthy and disconnect from this for a few days. Do you have a therapist to help YOU? If not, find one now.

       Once you have put your own mask on, it will be easier to see your options, and you do have options beyond quitting your own job to take care of your parents. You may need to take time off of work to take care of this, but you don’t need to quit your job. You have options that I think many of us can see here, but they are so tough to see when you are overwhelmed and on the front lines.

   11. I am so sorry you are going through this. Caretaker strain is not to be underestimated, and I know that you are overwhelmed, but please don’t quite your job right now. I’m an elder law attorney, and it sounds like there are several things going on and you have a lot on your plate.
       Here are my suggestions:
       Take FMLA (for your dad or mom, it sounds like either situation could warrant it).
       Call a geriatric social worker, talk with them about options.
       Go to a doctors appointment with your mom-if your mother’s doctors aren’t being responsive to her health and safety issues, its time to see another doctor.
       Go to an elder law attorney (BEFORE you list the house). It may be in your parent’s best interest to keep the home–especially if one or both of your parents could need long term care (in many states a home is an exempt asset, but if the home is sold, the proceeds must be spent on care).

       Re-evaluate after a few weeks whether its time to make job changes. There are different programs that could help your parents, depending on where they live. You can also look into life care planning, providing a team approach to elder planning.

       Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You know your family dynamic, so loop your brothers in as you feel appropriate, but this is not your burden alone.

   12. Do you have an EAP at work? If so, that should be your first call and they can help coordinate how to find a social worker, etc. If not, I can only second (third? fifth? seventeenth?) the recommendations to take a leave to figure this out and do not quit your job. Good luck!

2. For those of you in cubeland:

   Blowing your nose at your desk?
   (a) Acceptable. No one enjoys hearing it, but we’ve all got to do it sometime.
   (b) Unacceptable. Discretely wipe only and go to the rest room for actual nose blowing.

   Brought to you by current office drama.

   1. A

   2. It’s OK to blow your nose, but (1) don’t leave your used tissues all over your desk, and (2) prominently display hand sanitizer on desk and let people see you using it.

   3. (C) Sometimes acceptable. If it’s a cold and you should be at home and not at work or it’s a chronic issue, quit that nonsense. If it’s allergies and the person has taken allergy medication and it’s just a stop-gap measure, and it isn’t going to chronically persist (like my cube neighbor and his incessant throat clearing), then I have a lot of sympathy.

   4. (a) for sure. I’ve stepped out of meetings or ducked in the bathroom to blow only occasionally, when I have a cold and “a blow” can sometimes turn into a surprise 10-tissue-fest when one sinus decides it’s done being clogged.

   5. We all have office’s except for the assistant’s so this is a bit off topic, but we DO have regular meetings in our central area. There, we sit and share food, and discuss legal topics with each other. The manageing partner has told everyone he does NOT want peeople to pick their noses at these meetings, so that is close to haveing a rule NOT to blow our noses at the table either. Frank does not follow that rule, and he alway’s picks his nose in his office when lookeing out at my office. So I think it should be determined like we do. Step away if you are going to blow (or pick) your nose, and if you have to sneeze, do it in a tissue, not in your hand, which you use for grabbing potatoe chip’s and dip. FOOEY!

   6. (A) – For sure. I have asthma and allergies and even with medication, if I left my desk to blow, I’d spend all day in the bathroom. Sorry if I’m bothering you, but I am on all the meds I can be on, and that’s where I’m at, so co-workers need to deal. (I have my own space though–not a cube.)

   7. A, with certain “if” scenarios (IF you have a terrible cold and non-stop sniffles and sneezing, do not come to work). But, general nose blowing and/or the lingering days pre- or post-cold, absolutely 100% fine.

      I would very much like to hear more about said office dramatics!

      1. Yup. A with caveats – if the person is really sick, just go home, or if you have the option to work from home the person needs to do that.

         But no, expecting someone to go to the bathroom for every nose blow is not going to happen – but sitting at your desk blowing 10 times in a row is also rude, that is definitely “get up and go to the bathroom or take a sick day” time.

      2. Short of my deathbed, I’ll be at work. If my company or client want to prevent that, they need to give me actual sick leave and not just a couple meager weeks of one-pot “PTO” a year.

   8. Obviously A. Sniffling all day is unacceptable. Blowing your nose is a normal human thing. It’s like pooping in the toilet. Yeah, it’s not awesome to be around but folks gotta deal.

3. Any advice on project management certificates? I’ve been in a sales management position with a lot of technical project management experience for six years, so I think I’m good as far as the experience requirements goes. I’d like to move to a Project Manager position and I’ve been looking at the PMP certification specifically. I don’t know anyone whose done it before…
   Is that actually useful?
   Do hiring managers want it?
   How hard is the exam?
   Any recommendations for legit online programs? There’s one I can sign up for through my alma mater, although the class itself is administered by a different entity.

   1. If you’re a reasonably smart person (and of course you are, or you wouldn’t be posting here!) the PMP exam is not difficult. You do need to study, and it’s absolutely helpful to take a prep course (I used RMC, and highly recommend it) but it’s not like taking PhD Qualifying exams or anything.

      I took a 5-day prep class, filled out my application and got that approved immediately (there’s an education component to this which my prep class fulfilled), studied for 3 weeks and passed easily – I finished up with 20-30 min left, and took my time during the exam. My background is in Engineering (BS/MS) but that’s 20 years behind me at this point.

      I think having your PMP is useful (at least in the US), in that it shows that you’ve got some basic level of understanding about the project management process. But it’s not as if recruiters will suddenly be bombarding you with job offers.

      1. Great – this is what I kinda expected and was hoping someone would say. My husband recently took the master electrician exam and a good friend just got done taking all of the CPA exams, so I’ve been surrounded by people taking HARD tests lately…logically I knew that it wasn’t the case here, but just wanted to make sure.

         I have to take a course to fulfill the thirty-something hours of project management education required, so I’ll take the prep class anyway. I’ve always been good at taking tests, so not too worried if it’s how you describe it. Thanks for the reassurance!

   2. I am in DC Metro area in a management job. PMP is required for job candidates very often and almost always a must for project managers.
      I’ve had my certification for several years. Had some relevant experience and training prior to the exam, and my employer paid for the prep class and exam. The prep class was in-person and excellent. Among other things, our trainer recommended taking the test as soon as possible after the exam, so all the information we crammed is still fresh. It’s been a while and I don’t know if the prep company still exists or offers online training, so cannot recommend a training provider.
      The exam is very hard. I’ve always been a great test-taker, am generally very smart, and prepped hard, yet tested “proficient” on most sections, not advanced.
      Which brings me to your first question. PMBOK is not closely tied to workplace reality, you cannot figure things out (on the test) based on common sense, and it’s not been very useful to me apart from making me more employable.
      YMMV.

4. My catch all drawers in my kitchen are a mess. How do you keep these organized?

   1. Baskets? I use plastic baskets (or I guess trays) to keep things corralled.

   2. I don’t think a catch-all drawer is meant to be organized. Doesn’t everyone have the one junk drawer in their kitchen?

   3. I mean, you could empty it out, throw away what shouldn’t be in there, put in those drawer dividers they always show in Real Simple. If it’s driving you crazy.
      If it’s not driving you crazy — don’t worry about it.

5. Etiquette Query:
   We received a gift from a former colleague/friend of husband. Before I could write a thank you note, I found out gift giver’s close family member just passed away. Husband thanked gift giver over the phone when we got the gift and attended a memorial service for the relative. But I know this person well enough too that I would like to both thank him for the thoughtful present and offer my condolences for his loss. But I don’t want to just send two cards at the same time because that just seems weird. And one card seems weird too. What should I do?

   1. Send two cards. The condolence card first. The thank you card a few days or a couple weeks later.

   2. I’d write a letter. The bulk of the letter should be a condolence note about the colleague’s loss. I’d close with thank you for her thoughtfulness in general, and in specific her gift. Something like ‘Your friendship has meant a great deal to me over the years. I know it must be far from your thoughts now but I wanted to thank you for the gadget you gave me last month. It’s nice to know that, in better times, you think of me and want you to know that I’m thinking of you now”

      1. I like this wording. I would do a longer message following these guidelines but still in a stationary card. But I don’t ever send letters.

      2. You know what your friends would appreciate most but I can explain why I’m suggesting a letter. First, that it avoids the dissonance of thanking her friend in a condolence card. Second, ‘sending a card’ to me connotes buying a card, signing it and putting it in the mail with no personalization. I’m not trying to dismiss different stationary choices here but rather to urge the OP to write a personal message to her friend.

         1. Oh of course she is writing a personalized message! To me that is obvious.

6. Last month, I asked for and received a raise (hooray!). Today I found out that a colleague is leaving and that instead of hiring someone new, they’re going to split up her responsibilities between me and another person. Is it reasonable for me to ask for another salary bump? I won’t be able to jettison any of my current responsibilities.

   1. Two raises in 2 months? Wait until next quarter, and see what your workload is actually like?
      You can ask, I just think they’d be more likely to say yes in a little while.

   2. Absolutely ask. Your job description is changing and you should be compensated! And if they say no, see if you can set a review date to revisit it maybe next quarter.

7. My boyfriend and I have lived two hours apart since last summer, after I moved for a new position. He’s been looking for something in my city for a few months, and is in the reference-checking phase for job here! He should be hearing back the final word this week. He’s not sure if he would take it because of work/life concerns, which I totally respect. I’ve tried to be as supportive and no-pressure as possible, but I feel like I’m about to come out of my skin: I will be so disappointed if he doesn’t get it, or doesn’t take it if he does get it, because we’re stuck in limbo as long as we don’t live in the same place. But at the same time I don’t want him to feel pressure to accept a job that he wouldn’t be happy in, and would feel so freaking guilty if he took the job and then was miserable. I don’t think he knows what he wants, either. And he might not even get the offer so this might all be completely moot! But I can’t stop obsessing or researching cute new apartments in neighborhoods that I think he would like. Godzilla RAWR for the complications of adult life.

   1. I was in almost exactly your position a few years ago, but we lived on different coasts! It took him 4 months of serious hunting (and I didn’t want to “talk him into” taking any of the jobs he interviewed for – if he wound up hating it, I didn’t want that on me!) before finding something and moving out here. It will be OK!

      1. Thanks, it’s always helpful to hear from people who’ve made it through to the other side!

   2. what work life concern is more important than seeing you regularly?

      1. This isn’t really a fair question. My boyfriend and I are in a similar situation to Emeralds. I know that I could find a consulting job in his city, but I know for a fact that the work-life balance that comes with that work just ins’t for me. In the past, it has seriously taken a toll on my mental and physical health, and I would not take another consulting job, even if it was the only quick way to be closer to him. It’s much better that her partner wait for a job that will actually make him happy.

      2. Having a Friday night or Saturday day free between August and December. He works in athletics, so there’s no way around working nights and weekends, but this would have heavier weekend commitments than usual. There would be other times in the year that are easier than where he is now, but that’s still a LOT of
         Saturday’s. If he’s not willing to take it on, I totally understand and am supportive of that, having turned down a job for work/life balance myself.

8. I’ve been reading a lot about the “side hustle” lately-

   Curious to hear if any of you do things on the side to make additional money. What do you do? Do you use this additional money to pay your bills/debt or for fun things like hobbies and vacations?

   I recently started refurbishing furniture. Sold my first dresser last week!- YAY! Now I have the bug to keep doing more…*sigh* if only there were more time for these fun projects

   1. No side hustle here (no time with a little one + lawyer job), but I just wanted to say that I love that you are refurbishing furniture. I have always wanted to do that (though just for me, not to sell). How did you get started? Any tips?

      1. Was constantly on Pinterest looking for decorating inspiration after a recent move. Saw lots of fun refurbs on there and figured- I can do that! Picked up my first piece at an estate sale. After lots of googling different techniques, styles and paints I decided to give it a go. Made a few mistakes along the way, but luckily shabby chic is all the rage these days, so just “distress” wherever you had a whoops moment ;)

   2. Can I say how much I hate the side hustle concept? let’s call it what it is – employers don’t pay enough for people to work just one job and have a decent lifestyle anymore. A side hustle is a cuter name for a second job.

      1. I think that’s sometimes the case, and should be considered, but I from what I’ve heard discussed as “side hustles” in general (and here esp.), it usually sounds to me like people are trying to monetize what they do for fun anyway – like throw pottery, or refinish furniture, or decorate small spaces, etc. I think you’re right that the verbiage definitely stems from the idea of having to take on multiple projects to make ends meet, but – esp. for purposes of this web community – has taken on a slightly different meaning, I think.

      2. I hate the term “side hustle”, especially when it’s like you said and it’s a necessary second job for more income.

         That said, I also know quite a few people that do a side gig like what OP is talking about as a way to be able to afford their hobbies, especially things like crafts that require a large outlay on supplies, or friends that become yoga teachers or ski instructors, etc so they can spend money on equipment. But most people I know that do that pretty much still lose money, just barely break even or are basically working for less than the equivalent of minimum wage once they add up the cost of supplies and the time they spend doing it.

         1. I hadn’t thought of it as a “side hustle” but four years ago, my husband and I left “the big city” and I left biglaw and we bought an old farm house and land in my home state. Last year, after finishing with the baby-making phase of our lives, we started turning our old farm into an actual farm. We both work full-time, but now we board horses, have cattle and chickens. Like you said, we “make money/lose a bit of money” that we turn right back around into the farm, which is our hobby. We aren’t doing it for the money but because it is something we both enjoy and want for our kids. However, at 5:30 a.m. when I am schlepping water out to the cattle, I might paint a less rosy picture!

            1. Betty, this sounds like a version of our dream. Any way we can get in touch so I can learn more about how you did it?

      3. To some degree it makes me think of more pressure to be optimizing (and monetizing) ALL of your time. Like you are a slacker if you don’t what to have multiple revenue streams coming in.

         FWIW, most of those who refer to a side hustle don’t strike me as doing it for the money – it’s either a way to be an entrepreneur, get a business started with the intent of transitioning to it long term or monetize a hobby, like mentioned below. If people needed a second job, they’d get something with a more stable revenue stream (waitressing, retail, etc.) And then they’d usually call it a second job.

      4. This. That’s also what kills me the most about the MLM thing. At least in my peer group (I’m younger- late 20s), all of my acquaintances doing MLMs aren’t long-time stay at home moms or moms who want to drop out of the work force, or bored retirees, they’re young professionals that really just need extra money, or people who have struggled to find lucrative, stable employment with their B.A.’s. The ones that break my heart the most are my teacher friends. They work killer hours and provide such a service to society and yet, unsurprisingly, still feel cash-strapped. I can see how something “easy” like selling R+F products to make some extra cash would be really appealing. One of my teacher friends works concessions at sporting events and concerts to supplement her salary.

         Selling cool stuff you make is one thing… scooping popcorn at 11:00 pm when you have a full time, degree required job is another.

         I’m a biglaw attorney so the tiny amount of extra money I could make from a “side hustle” would absolutely not be worth my very limited free time (again, unless it was something like selling art I made where I got pleasure from creating the product itself). I’m lucky.

         1. I have a teacher friend in her mid 50s who bar tends at live music venues Thursday-Saturday to supplement her income. It makes me so mad/sad. It’d be one thing if she really loved live music and the scene, but being in your 50s and hauling bags of ice and dealing with drunk idiots until 2 am 3 nights a week is probably not what she expected to be doing when she got her teaching degree.

         2. Not coincidentally, almost everyone I know who does MLM is a teacher. Jamberry is a popular one on my social media.

   3. This isn’t strictly a side hustle as most people would imagine, but a hobby of mine is using credit card rewards / maximizing techniques to rack of miles and points that I would otherwise never amass to fund international trips sometimes in business/first class and cover some of the hotels too. For example, my first big trip since I started 1.5 years ago is this week, going to Japan for 2 weeks, flying out economy, flying back first. Next year I’m taking my mom to hong kong for a week, I was able to cover travel for a wedding last year, etc. Travel is something I really like to do, but don’t necessarily have the salary for, so this hobby works out for me.

      1. Tell me more. What sites did you use to get started?

         1. The subreddit called churning for the credit card aspect and the forums of flyer talk for the travel aspect, primarily. And a lot of general googling!

      2. That’s awesome! I am so overwhelmed by this concept, but hope I can soon figure it out.

         1. There is a definite learning curve. It took me about a year. I picked this up from a buddy of mine and I actually became more of a niche expert in redemptions that didn’t overlap with his – which is great because if either us need help, we can ask each other.

            What you save in money you spend in time. But I’m a little more flush in time than cash, so, I enjoy it. You have to be careful though or you can dig yourself a credit card hole.

   4. I think I will out myself to the select few here I know IRL..I am a law librarian during the day and makeup artist on the weekends. I just do a maybe 5-10 weddings over the summer and it is enough to get some bills out of the way, pay for my certifications and well BUY MORE MAKEUP. It’s a hobby that turned into a great gig.

   5. Exactly as Anonymous said above – my “side hustle” is just something I do for fun: dog sitting. I don’t have time to have a dog during the week (I’m a lawyer), but I love dogs, so I take them in on weekends through sites like Dog Vacay and Rover. I don’t really earmark the money and it’s not much anyway, but it probably is enough to fund one extra long weekend vacation that I wouldn’t otherwise take.

9. Just in case there are additional thoughts here — Help me get energized for a networking event, please? It’s a happy hour tonight — at a law firm being thrown by an industry/specialized legal group. I posted last week and was convinced to go, as I used to practice in this specialized area in NYC yet no one in my new city in that space and I really miss it and would love to get back in if the opportunity arose.

   I’m dreading/nervous about going though. I’m bad at chit chat and don’t know anyone else attending this so it’s not like there’s a buddy to hang out with. It’s 6-9 pm. I need to caffeinate beforehand, right?

   Reply

   1. One trick that helps me is to go into it with the mindset that my goal for the night is to help at least 1 person with something. So I talk to people and listen for a situation where I could give some advice, or hook up a contact, or point out a resource. By taking my focus off myself and what I want, and re-directing it towards other people, I can relax and make more genuine connections. And that allows good things to happen for me too, because I’m not coming across as forced and needy and aggressive.

      1. I love the idea of going into it looking for someone to help!! I’m going to use that in the future .

         OP, one thing you could do is prepare a few talking points- read up on some industry news, or quirky local stories or what have you. Personally I have a tendency to babble on about myself/my work if someone asks me a question ( because it’s something I am knowledgable about and therefore easy to discuss! Plus type A me feels I am obligated to give Complete Answrs) so to prevent this, prepare some topics to transition to and ask the other person about and also be knowledgable if someone else brings it up, so it’s not all a The Dulcinea Show.

   2. And also, really — stop telling yourself you’re bad at chit chat! Google “how to make small talk” and have a few conversational openings ready to bust out. I guarantee you that you are suffering way more today, getting all wrapped up in dreading it, than you will at the actual thing.

      1. I hope you’re right — will report back tomorrow!

10. I just read the thread from this morning, and wanted to say I was in the same boat you are a few years ago! Have you had the full blood work for recurrent pregnancy loss? I assume you have since you’re seeing an RE, but what seemed to finally help me (although its impossible to know for sure), was to start taking a daily low-dose aspirin after the blood test revealed I had factor V leiden, which produced absolutely no other symptoms in my life.

11. Any advice on how to convince your SO that they need to cut a toxic family member out of their life? He knows that this family member is toxic, knows that he feels like s&&t after dealing with her, but just can’t do the last step and cut her out. I’ve offered to do it for him, but he’s just not quite ready to pull the trigger. I just want to kick him over the edge, but know that it has to be his choice.

    For context, this is his step-mom who makes it fairly clear that she doesn’t like him but we still have to deal with her and his father passed away when he was a teenager.

    1. You don’t. You can’t make other people do what they don’t want to do. You can simply listen and accept how they feel.

       1. This. People are not improvement projects.

          He’s a grown man. Back off.

    2. It’s his thing, you’ve probably done all of the convincing that you can do and now he just needs to come to his own conclusion. Even if he feels like crap after talking to her I would just say “well, you know how I feel about her” and leave it at that. Nagging will only cause more stress. You can’t micro-manage a SO’s family relationships.

    3. You don’t. Tend your own fences not his. Which means you get to decide how much you’re willing to see/discuss/hear this person but you don’t get to run his life for him.

12. I own and love a similar necklace I found on etsy for $20. The ship name is LoveYourBling. I love it so much that I’ve been giving it as gifts to my sisters, cousin, and just yesterday to my stepmom for Mother’s Day.

13. Attire for weekend night dinner at a legal conference is described as “resort casual.” the conference is in a vacation destination. Would a DVF wrap dress work? (The neckline is not problematic on me.)

    1. I rarely think you can go wrong with a DVF wrap dress. I’d say do it. Especially if it is colorful/has a fun print to fit the resort/vacation vibe.

14. I hate the term “side hustle

    1. I definitely prefer back pocket dream! or goal.

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