Tuesday’s Workwear Report: ‘Akira’ V-Neck Sheath Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Oooh: love the little details on this black sheath dress, like the angled seaming and the toned panels. As part of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale (see our full roundups for workwear and shoes), it's currently marked to $329, but after the sale it'll go back to $498. It's available in sizes 2-16. Lafayette 148 New York ‘Akira' V-Neck Sheath Dress
Two lower-priced options are here (regular and petite) and here; here's a plus-size alternative.
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 1/22/25:
- Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
- AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
- Ann Taylor – All sale dresses $40 (ends 1/23)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
- Boden – Clearance, up to 60% off!
- DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
- Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Following up on some comments from yesterday —
For those of you who dye your own hair, which brands have you had good or bad luck with? I’m switching from having mine professionally done to just doing it at home, but I’m not sure which brand to try out. TIA!
My mom uses Naturetint (available at most healthfood stores) and it looks really nice. She goes to a very shmancy salon and they always ask where she gets her color done because it looks so good.
I said this yesterday and I will say it again…if you don’t want dye dripping on your sink, floor, shoulders, etc., I highly recommend the L’Oreal Preference Mouse. It’s much easier to apply, and it doesn’t “strip” my hair by making it crazy dry and stringy–it’s gentler. The color stays well and I get a lot of compliments.
I was terrified of coloring my own hair. I had gone to a salon every 8-12 weeks for years. But then, all of a sudden, I was down to every four weeks, and if I was a week late, I looked really gray. I realized that I couldn’t afford visits that frequently.
I am a huge convert to at-home color. It’s so easy and convenient. I usually get up just 40 minutes early one day a month and it’s done. It saves so much time and money–I am shocked I didn’t do it sooner.
FWIW, I have medium brown very curly hair, with red undertones. I color my hair a straight brown and it persists in being auburn because of my undertones. Get the mouse. It’ costs about $15 but it’s way cheaper than stains all over your bathroom. Trust me.
I do mine at home and use Feria pretty regularly because I think they have the most vibrant reds. I may be switching over to Naturetint though based on the comment above (only because I am trying to use plant-based, etc., where possible, not because I am unhappy with Feria).
My suggestions, as a person who has been at-home coloring on and off since about 1995, are to go to Sally’s and buy at least two color application brushes (small and medium in width), grab a bunch of old towels to lay across your sink and floor and to wrap your hair in after you rinse out the color, and get a glass bowl for color mixing that you don’t mind dedicating to coloring. I never use the bottle applicator and have found that I almost never get color anywhere with the brushes. It does take some practice though (see old towel comment above).
Home color is pretty easy as long as you don’t try to lighten your hair too many shades or do something super drastic (unless that’s the look you are going for)!
I use Feria medium auburn to dye my medium brown hair. It works great. Although I have short hair, so I assume it’s a lot easier than long hair…
Oh! You reminded me of another suggestion I have. If you have long hair, part your hair normally. Then, using clips, split it into two (or four) sections. I split mine down my side part from my forehead to the back of my neck, then I split those two sections in the middle so that there is a bottom layer and a top layer. I clip the top layer on the top of my head and start with the roots on my bottom layer. I apply to the roots using a brush on the top of the bottom layer (this is hard to describe – I need a graphic), then use a wide-tooth comb to pull that first layer up and move down towards my neck, little by little only doing the roots. Once the roots of the lower layer are done, I move to the top layer starting with the roots on the top of my head. Once my entire head’s roots are done, I brush the remainder of the dye on the rest of my hair. Once that is done, I clip everything loosely until it’s time to wash!
Seconding the Preference Mousse recommended above. I think it’s probably the best at home hair dye. A very close second is Garnier Nutrisse Nourishing Color Creme, which I find has really great staying power if I care for my hair properly and is easy to apply without staining my whole body/bathroom.
GUYS. Check out P-Middleton’s engagement ring.
haha i thought it looked kinda like a class ring or something. Its so bulky.
Yep. I think it looks rather masculine with the angular style of the halo, and I think the beauty of the center diamond would be shown more effectively and sparkly as a solitaire. But my taste in jewelry runs to the simple (my e-ring is a solitaire alone) and I assume she loves it!
Gorgeous. I love that art deco style. I can’t wait to BaubleBar and all the rest make the cheap knockoffs so I can wear a $20 version and rock it, tacky-chic style :)
Me too. I ink it’s beautiful.
I don’t like it. Too chunky. And I feel like it looks a lot cheaper than it is because of the setting. I think the same size (4 carat, according to all-knowing Daily Mail) diamond in a solitaire setting would look a lot bigger. But to each their own, and I assume she loves it.
I really like it, but I agree that the center stone doesn’t look that big.
I think when your diamond ring is the size of a quarter, you stop worrying about whether it looks cheap.
Stunning.
I just want that cream colored dress she’s wearing in the photos!
She’s smart, wearing bridal white to show off the ring for the first time!
It’s kind of tacky and honestly, I wonder if a ring that big and bulky gets annoying.
How is it tacky? Because it’s bigger than yours? I’m sure she will cope with the size just fine. It’s significantly smaller than her sister’s ring and K-Mid hasn’t lost a finger yet. Why must we be so catty?
I love it! I ‘m not sure it would work for my lifestyle, but I think it’s gorgeous.
Out of curiosity, does anyone just not like jewelry much? Or only like very simple jewelry?
I don’t like jewelry. I only wear my wedding band and watch day to day.
I don’t even like the wedding rings. Or I need to get just a simple band for summer when my fingers get super-swolen. In the winter / my freezing office it’s fine. I find myself going without on weekends (and my e-ring is not Pippa-fancy, it seems a bit odd when I am wearing very casual clothes).
For weekend errands, gym time, taking my kids to sports, etc., I bought and wear a Qalo ring. Super cheap, can choose any color you want, and when my fingers inevitably swell from being hot, they don’t get painfully stuck.
I like these! How does yours fit? I am not sure of my ring size (6? 6.5? one was an antique that I had stretched). Should I order a 7 or an 8 (to fit over giant knucks and swolen summer fingers)?
I ordered my normal ring size (8) and it fits perfectly. When it swells, it stretches enough that it’s not uncomfortable.
I’ve thought about getting one of these, especially for the gym. I usually take my wedding band off and stick it in one of the zippered pockets on my lulu pants.
I wouldn’t say I “don’t like it” but I never wear it, except for my (small) engagement and wedding rings. Partly because I would rather spend my money on other things and partly because it’s just one more thing to do in the morning. Choosing and putting on my outfit is time-consuming enough without adding in jewelry (can you tell I’m not a morning person!?)
I like very simple jewelry, e.g. simple pearl earrings and my wedding band, which is a small platinum band with forget me nots engraved into it. My sister, however, loves bigger! flashier! jewelry and constantly tries to have me more wear flash and brighter colors. Its just not me though.
I’m not a jewelry person–I in fact do not have an engagement ring or wedding ring. I have a $25 ring off Amazon I wear occasionally, but usually I forget.
I just can’t justify the cost for something I will most likely lose; I lose my keys 18 times a day and I have bought 1-100 cubic zirconia studs and yet cannot find a single pair, so I am grateful I didn’t spend a lot on jewelry.
I’ll wear statement necklaces and earrings, but they are the Charming Charlies/Bauble Bar variety.
I like very classic, simple jewelry and I’m all about quality over quantity. Sometimes I’ll wear a fun statement necklace from JCrew or wherever, but most of the time I wear stud earrings (real gold or silver, real gemstones or pearls) and maybe a simple necklace.
This is me! I didn’t even choose to get an engagement ring. I have my wedding band and thats it. No ears pierced. Its just not something I think about putting on everyday or am drawn to spend money on.
Same here- I actually have a fair amount that I’ve ben gifted, but I never think about wearing it or want to spend money on it
I don’t have an engagement ring either–I think Pippa’s is beautiful but i would never, ever wear it.
I wear my wedding band and engagement ring, which are both pretty simple, and some gold hoop earrings. I wear longish necklaces occasionally. I rarely change my earrings because my hair hides them. Bracelets get in the way when I’m typing.
I love jewelry but I deeply despise earrings. I have to re-pierce my ears every time I want to wear earrings, which makes me hate them even more.
Ouch! I’m the opposite, though – I love earrings and have way too many. The rest of my jewelry is pretty simple – I wear my wedding band, a funky right-hand ring, and usually the wooden bangle my husband made for me. I never wear necklaces – for some reason they look silly on me, or at least I think they do.
I love them in theory! Idk if my ear lobes are too close to my neck? Or maybe I’m oversensitive there? I just cannot STAND to have anything touching my neck immediately behind or under my ear. I wear most necklaces with no problem, though.
I like it on other people but not on me. I never wear any jewelry, not even a wedding band. I have somewhat sensitive skin that is easily irritated, so that’s part of the issue. And since I never wear it, I feel like it looks weird on me.
I love jewelry!!! I tend to wear my watch, my wedding ring, some version of interesting gold stud earrings, and a necklace every day. I have some larger earrings and necklaces that I’ll wear if I’m dressing up outside of work. I like Alexis Bittar a lot, and also frequent a local boutique that has a large selection of independent jewelers.
I don’t spend more than $300 for any one piece because I do lose jewelry from time to time, plus I just don’t think that expensive but boringly designed fine jewelry looks any better than cheap knock-offs. I prefer the $100-300 range where I’m still buying real metals and stones, but with more dramatic or interesting designs. I don’t understand the appeal of plain diamond studs or the like — they just have zero visual interest to me.
I’m a mid-law associate who’s been sort of dreaming of moving to an in-house position, ideally in the state that my husband and I would love to live. Today I’m flying to that state for an interview tomorrow for an in-house position at a great company. So, this is exciting, but I’m also incredibly nervous. Advice for how to gear up for a job interview, especially one that involves a transition like that, would be appreciated. I feel like I need a theme song to get pumped up, too, but am coming up blank!
Cheesy and old, but the Carly Simon song from Working Girl
Most anything by Bon Jovi
For your theme song, check out Vienna Teng’s “Level Up.” Good luck — you’ve got this!
Haha, I like the theme from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt! It always gets me pumped!
In the same vein, Everything Is Awesome from the Lego movie always gets me pumped :)
Females are strong as h3ll!
Work That by Mary J. Blige. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXAK9nVBI3M.
“Perfect Day”, the song that played over the opening credits of “Legally Blonde”, gets it done for me. Also “My Shot” from the “Hamilton” soundtrack.
Flo Rida, “Club Can’t Handle Me.” Good luck!
If you watch the Mindy Project, the song at the end of the series premiere (Bad Girls by MIA) always pumps me up, but maybe it’s the context where she kicks a33 delivering a baby after a bit of a rough day.
Yes! Bad Girls is my pump up song too!
All I Do Is Win by DJ Khaled. I know all the words to that “song”.
You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the replies!
I’ve been playing Lizzo’s Good As Hell all the time — makes me want to strut into a the room and take over.
I don’t get short-sleeved sweaters. Can someone explain/affirm my opinion?
I’ve got a couple of short sleeve and (one sleeveless) tops that are called “sweater” tops and they are a thicker knit or made out of a merino wool blend. I like them for layering pieces under jackets and such. It doesn’t get all that cold where I live so I don’t always need full coverage on my arms. I also think some of the thicker knits hang a bit better.
Agree. I even hate 3/4 sleeve sweaters. I work in a freezing office and I want a sweater that will actually keep me warm. I’m not warm if my forearms are exposed.
In Texas, they’re practical in the fall and spring. I can see how if you actually need warmth, they’re not the best choice.
In Texas here, and short sleeve and 3/4 sleeve sweaters are a basic staple of my “transitional weather” closet. I get a good amount of wear out of them in the “winter” too (read: when it’s been 30-50*)
+1.
They look cute, but I don’t buy them. Wool makes me itch, so short sleeve or sleeveless wool/wool blends don’t work for me as layering pieces. A long time ago, I had a few lightweight cotton short sleeve v-neck sweaters. Those were nice.
I hear you, but I live in SoCal so they’re a great option for me when it’s warm but January. Depending on the style, they’re also great for layering.
I usually go for 3/4 length sleeves rather than short sleeves. I have short arms and, inexplicably, long sleeves are always far too long yet 3/4 sleeves hit at just the right place. I also don’t like fabric around my wrists for typing purposes.
I have a couple of short sleeved very light “sweaters” but they’re either a very thin cashmere or knit. They’re good for layering under jackets when it’s chilly out; longer sleeves tend to bunch.
Ha! I have long arms and go for 3/4 length because it looks deliberate, while long sleeves hit just a liiiiittle too high on my wrist bone so it’s super awkward looking.
:) And I wear long sleeves as 3/4 length sleeves because my arms are incredibly long. I have never been able to buy anything off the rack that is long-sleeve. This means getting suits and coats made.
They’re dressier than a t-shirt.
I love short sleeved sweaters! They just offer more variety to my work wardrobe. And you can wear them all year which is a plus.
I wear them under suits on cold winter days. They’re not as bulky under a jacket.
Thanks all. Still on the fence, but perhaps my mistake is assuming they are being marketed as summer wear (since I live in the South). Appreciate the styling suggestions!
I have a couple of lightweight short sleeve (just above the elbow) cotton cardigans that I wear over sleeveless tops or dresses to make them more work appropriate and so I don’t totally freeze in the AC in the summer. They also help give my summer wardrobe some dimension. I live in a place that isn’t always super hot in the summer.
1) Sleeves
2) They’re not effing see-through (sorry, raging about this lately)
Hi Ladies – I am not in the legal field but know many of you are and have a question. I have a friend who is in Big Law here in NYC. They are up for partner after having failed to make it in the past. Is anyone aware of any sort of career counselor or coach that can be hired that can work with someone in this position to help them manage the process and advise them? I know of coaches that specialize in this type of thing in my field, but I don’t have a strong network in the legal field. Thanks for any ideas or recommendations!
Probably not what your friend wants to hear, but a career counselor won’t really do anything for someone. It’s a highly political process and you really need to have a powerful partner pulling for you. Being a great attorney is sort of a minimum requirement, but there’s way more to it than that, and no external career coach is going to be able to a candidate manage the internal politics of it.
If you’re up again, it’s maybe a good sign that you weren’t suggested to start finding a new home and have been allowed to stay that long. But not making partner can mean a lot of things — usually it’s not YOU, it’s that you don’t have a 7-figure book of book of business (or are indispensible in a “can handle things if you have a heart attack and are out for a month” sort of way). Hard to say. Also hard to say w/o any omnicient / benevolent person giving all relevant candid feedback (and then it may be firm-specific: I am an AmLaw 100 partner, but wouldn’t make the cut at Wachtell, which I am 100% OK with). A coach, without the data, may not be able to help much.
I agree with those comments. I think this is a situation where the candidate knows what they have to do, but needs someone that they are accountable too. Again, I 100% see all the red flags here, but my question is: are there any folks that have expertise in coaching in this area and industry? Thanks again!
In DC, Kathy Sparrough at Davis & Chapman was (maybe still is) an outplacement person that firms use when they are managing out people they like (so you are a good worker and a good person but not going to make partner). I think that she is very expensive though (so if a firm send you to her, it is a sign that they want you to have a soft landing; not everyone gets sent). She is more of a psychologist who understands lawyers needing to grow their careers in a different direction than a person who is going to make you into a law firm partner though.
Thank you! I looked her up and passed along the info to my friend. I really appreciate your response.
Yes, not in DC, but your friend should contact the Lawyer Whisperer. She’s a HH and career coach, and knows the law industry cold. I am sure she’d work via phone.
Thank you! I looked her up and passed along both her column and business website to my friend. I appreciate your help.
Agree with the above comments but recommend Nan of Rapid Evolution. I did career counseling with her at a turning point in my legal career, and she was extremely helpful. All over the phone.
Thank you Anon. I passed along Nan’s website to my friend. I really appreciate your recommendation.
This might be too little too late for your friend but I’ll suggest it because it’s an awesome program.
WilPower is a year-long program by Leading Women in Technology designed to help women take the next step in their career. It’s awesome and they started an NYC group.
I did the program in Palo Alto. It gave me an instant network of women and I learned a lot about the soft skills needed to move forward in my career. They are in the middle of the year long cycle right now but they will be starting again in January.
This won’t work for my friend as it’s a He, but this might be a useful group for me! Thank you for the recommendation :)
Anyone else getting a ton of spam calls lately? I’ve always gotten them occasionally (maybe once a month or so) but now I seem to be getting at least 2-4 a day. I’m on the Do Not Call list. I block the number each time it happens but it doesn’t seem to be doing much. Any advice for how to stop this?
YES, it seems like they’ve really picked up in the past month. I downloaded the TrapCall app for iPhone. It’s like $10 a month but it unmasks those “No Caller ID” numbers and blocks them. 100% worth it.
A lot of legitimate calls come from No Caller ID so I’d be careful with that. Around where I live, any call from a gov’t agency comes up that way. Does it block it totally or give the caller your voicemail?
It only blocks calls completely if you add them to a specific list. It lets the first call from a particular number through, which you trace by declining the call. It allows you to receive voicemail.
Yes. I’m pretty sure they’re from the DNC/related groups. You donate once, they bother you for life…
Does anyone have a recommendation for a hair stylist in Boston? I just need a cut and some sort of style I have long brown thick hair. Would prefer someone who is comfortable picking something he or she thinks would look good rather than me giving detailed instructions. I had the best guy in DC but haven’t got it cut since I moved and it is looking real bad. My preference is near south station but I’ll take all recs. Thanks!
Yes. Jacquie Early in Brookline and J. Early salon. She’s exactly what you need. Lovely British lady, will tell you what will work with your face, style, how much time you want to put into it. I LURV her. Secret Boston (FB group) also has a ton of recs if you search.
I love my hairdresser. I actually followed her from salon to salon in the Back Bay and then eventually out to JP. Laila at Station 8 Salon.
I think you might like Charles Maksou at Che Maksou Salon. He’s VERY talented and self-directed. Also not too far from South Station. I went to him for a while years ago and loved my haircuts from him during that period. (I ultimately left because he was too big a personality for me and too expensive.)
Another recommendation is my current person, Gio at Mario Russo Salon on Newbury. Also very talented. Gentle personality. Listens carefully but somehow manages to make my hair look more modern than I can even express I want.
Has anyone had their tubes tied or some other elective procedure done to permanently prevent pregnancy? In a perfect world, my husband would get a vasectomy but he won’t even take aspirin for a headache so elective surgery isn’t on the table for him, regardless of how minor it would be.
My gyn doesn’t seem to really listen to me, so I’m planning to switch anyway. She keeps pushing an IUD. I want something permanent. I’m 33, my husband is 36, and neither of us has ever wanted kids. I’d love some advice on how to approach a doctor about this and what options there are.
Oh and I don’t really want an IUD because my sister expelled hers and a friend wound up with an ectopic pregnancy while she had hers. That’s too many bad effects to people close to me for me to be really comfortable with it. I’d rather just continue taking a pill every day.
If you can’t find someone to tie your tubes and you don’t want an IUD, may I recommend the implant? I’ve had no side effects and it’s good for three years. Not a permanent solution, obviously, but my body flat-out rejected an IUD and at least you wouldn’t have to think about BC for three more years. That would put you up to 36, when doctors might be more receptive to elective tube-tying. Which, to be clear, is all BS, but a quick google bears out my friends’ experiences with elective sterilization. (ugh.)
I’ll look into that too. Thanks!
I love my implant – had it for over a year now and no drama at all. And, as a bonus, it’s completely stopped my periods (had constant spotting with my previous pill).
That is my current issue with the pill. I know the IUD can stop that too but didn’t know that about the implant.
I could be way wrong, but I believe ectopic pregnancy is still a risk if you have your tubes tied. Definitely ask your doctor.
On the Mirena website, Bayer advertises some sort of permanent sterilization device. I haven’t looked into it, but maybe you should.
No advice, but man, you’re nicer than I am. Woman have to put up with so much more pain than men (even if you exclude childbirth, we have, what, about 400 periods? plus paps and mammograms). My husb is getting snipped the second we’re done having children.
I totally wish he would and we’ve discussed it but it is so consistent with who he is (never ever takes medication, doesn’t ever drink caffeine even, and basically has to be dragged kicking and screaming to the doctor if he’s seriously sick) that I’m just not even that upset over his feelings on the subject.
Why would he have to take medication? It’s done under local , takes like 20 minutes and if he doesn’t want to take aspirin afterwards he doesn’t have too. And the alternative is for you to have major abdominal surgery under general? You should be getting one heck of a present for this.
I can see your point, but note that tube tying isn’t done under general. I had it done with an epidural and I have some friends who had it done laproscopically (sp).
Not OP, but it seems he has general issues with taking or doing medical things, not the snipping per se. His not wanting the snip seems on point with how he treats other medical procedures/interventions. Why are his opinions on medical procedures/interventions any less valid than hers?
Yeah that wouldn’t fly with me. He needs to grow up.
I have a coworker who got snipped on his lunch break.
My husband’s entire visit to have his done took about 30 minutes. Most of that was waiting in the waiting room. The entire procedure took about 5 minutes or less. He took it easy for the rest of the day, and didn’t do anything majorly active the next 2 days and then was back to normal after that. He was a little sore but never in any pain.
My husband offered to get snipped because it’s a much less invasive procedure for men than women, and has a faster recovery period too. And he has a needle phobia.
I haven’t. I had had children, but had something happened to one of them, I might have wanted the option of more children.
DH was pro, his friends were pro. When our youngest had passed the 2-year mark, he suddenly was worried about shrinkage. And then decided that he was very catholic (but just about this). So no V for him.
Your husband needs to grow a pair. Getting a vasectomy is a way less big deal than having your tubes tied.
I agree. I don’t think this is about the relative pain sensitivity of the parties. If you could each get a procedure under local anesthesia, it makes perfect sense to me that you would do it instead of him. But general anesthesia carries a huge risk and there’s no way would I put anyone – myself included – through that risk when there’s a much less risky option. If he won’t do the vasectomy, I would rely on non-permanent birth control, which can be extremely effective, especially if you use two methods.
I’ve heard that a lot of doctors are resistant to giving women of childbearing age access to permanent contraception. I have a few friends who have considered it and they’ve struggled to find doctors that will really discuss it with them. I don’t have any specific suggestions, but I think it’s BS that doctors don’t trust women to make that decision for themselves. Good luck and I hope that you’re able to find someone who will work with you on this.
I agree but at the same time I recognize that a lot of people are in the never ever camp and at 35 change their mind. Not everyone of course, but enough that it makes them afraid to do it. I wanted permanent BC in my 20’s but assumed no doc would do it. Now at 34 I’m actually TTC. I’d still be happy if I couldn’t have a kid. I don’t absolutely have to have one. But no I do actually want one and I never thought I would.
Your experience is so common and why many doctors won’t do it until post-35.
I do hear where you’re coming from, but it’s still not the doctor’s decision to make. Women are people. We can live with the results of a medical intervention that we elected to have, just like everyone else–saying “Well, other women have changed their mind!” is not, IMHO, grounds for taking elective sterilization off the table for all women.
The person who does my hair won’t give perms. I respect her personal autonomy on this.
Equating reproductive health care with a hairstyle does not strengthen your case.
Isnt it exactly the dr’s decision? you can’t make a person do something.
It seems so silly to me. If I tell a doctor I want to get my tubes tied, I’m told “You’ll change your mind.”
But no one says that to a woman TTC or already pregnant. Why si one life decision taken more seriously than another?
(sorry for the rant, I fought this for YEARS before I found a doctor who would actually listen).
+1 million
If you have a baby, you aren’t going to go back to the doctor to tell them how horrible they are and that they didn’t adequately warn/inform you of the risks of having a child to take care of for the rest of your life. The doctor assumes you educate yourself of the risks of parenting on your own. (I mean, maybe you should, but I don’t know any lawyers that would take that case).
If you undergo a permanent, optional procedure with risks (such as those from general anesthesia), there is a chance you will blame the doctor for agreeing to perform the procedure without educating you about all of the risks or the permanence of the procedure (even if they actually did). Some doctors may not want to take that risk or may not want to deal with the insurance fight. Should they feel that way? Probably not and there are probably a million releases they could have you sign. That said, you can’t force a doctor to perform a procedure.
Hi, are you me? I was 32 when I started shopping for a gyn who would be willing to perform this procedure on a married, but childless woman. I couldn’t find one. I did, however, find a gyn I love. She put my IUD in and I haven’t had any trouble.
Keep looking for a doctor.
I’ve known since I was 10 that I didn’t want children and I started asking about permanent contraception when I was 19. Every doctor laughed at me and told em I’d change my mind.
I finally found a doctor at 27 who actually listened and reviewed options with me. I had a bilateral tubal ligation a few months later (“months” because my insurance company tried to not cover it due to my age–my doctor helped me fight it). So happy I kept looking!
You aren’t in NYC by any chance, are you? I’d love the name of your doc if you are.
This was in Philadelphia, so maybe not too far? I highly recommend her.
She is very kind, listens well, non-judgmental and actually took my concerns and questions seriously.
I’m going to try to find someone in NYC but might reach out if I don’t have any luck. Thanks!
Good luck, I know how much of a pain it is!
KT, Can you share who this is? I’m in Philadelphia & looking for a new gyn.
Sure- Dr. Deborah Schrager
Honestly? Get the IUD.
You’re married to someone who would rather you go under general anesthetic than him have to have a very very minor procedure under local anesthetic. General anesthetic and having your tubes tied is a very very much more significant surgery than a vasectomy. Are you sure you want to go through that for someone who can’t be bother to hold a bag of frozen peas to his crotch while lying on the couch for a weekend.
Also, you can theoretically reverse a V but the reversal options for women are not good.
If I were a DR (after being a lawyer), I would be too risk averse to do this on a younger woman. I get where they are coming from (and where you are coming from, too).
:/ but +1
The subreddit r/childfree maintains a list of doctors who will provide permanent contraception.
Thank you!
I’m not going to defend my marriage to anyone. I wish my husband would be up for it, but he’s not and I accept that.
It doesn’t matter to him whether we go the permanent route or birth control/IUD route. I’m the one who would prefer permanent, which is why I asked. It’s something I’ve been interested in doing since before I was even in a relationship.
Of course it doesn’t…because either way, he isn’t the one taking any steps towards preventing pregnancy.
I’m of the camp where you don’t undergo general anesthesia unless there is a true medical need. So, if you are of the mindset where an accidental pregnancy would be awful, life-altering news in a bad way, and that you would feel compelled to carry the pregnancy to term and keep the child if that happened despite not wanting it to have happened in the first place, then I’d go for the ligation. Otherwise, I’d stick with BC.
Also, not to be all Debbie Downer, but the likelihood that your husband will need medication and/or medical interventions/surgeries increases with age (for all of us), so this phobia is something he might want to address before it becomes a life & death matter?
+1
I don’t understand the disconnect between your husband disliking medical stuff for himself but being okay with you doing elective general anesthesia.
It’s not just binary permanent vs. non-permanent though and it seems that’s what a number of posters are referencing.
It’s more like:
1. permanent no chance of children and major surgery (you)
2. permanent no chance of children and minor surgery (him)
3. permanent retaining chance of children for you together or family/friends if he freezes sperm and minor surgery (him)
4. semi-permanent no surgery and chance of side effects (IUD- you)
You’re going directly to the most permanent and dangerous option without saying ‘that’s what I want’. Your OP talks about that this is want you want because DH won’t take the less dangerous option.
I’m actually disappointed that women are giving you grief over your husband’s decision. Most women would not want a man telling her what to do with her body. It does not matter that a vasectomy is less invasive. It’s his body and he gets to control it. Women would all want the same thing!
+1
Well said!
Thank you. That is an excellent way of putting it.
Your husband is being a selfish jerk.
A vasectomy is an easy, outpatient procedure. I once had lunch with someone who had gotten one that morning. Tubal ligations require general anaestesia and have the potential for huge complications.
Your hubs doesn’t want surgery. Understandable. No one does. But the alternative is that YOU are 100% responsible for contraception (Pill or IUD or tubes tied) and he gets to sit pretty.
I would also suggest that you take some time to look at the feasibility of taking hormonal contraception in your late thirties and forties. My understanding is that the risks of blood clots goes up substantially.
Wait, so that is what people do? Have kids or one partner gets surgery? I’ve never heard of that.
I’d be curious if he’d be more open to getting a vasectomy if you told him that he had to wear a c0nd0m every single time from here on out.
Seriously. Try this. I expect husband would have a vasectomy scheduled within a month.
I have tried that.
It doesn’t work (on him).
But OMG I think it’s a feature / not a bug for me.
Even if he gets a vasectomy you need some backup contraception for at least two months. It stops new sperm but he could still have “one in the chamber” if you catch my drift.
Bridget: that info on using hormonal birth control in your 30s and beyond isn’t accurate. The risk of blood clots with hormonal contraception goes up substantially for those who otherwise are at risk for blood clots, such as smokers or those high blood pressure. For others, not much. I’m in my early 50s and still taking hormonal contraception (upon my doctor’s advice) to control heavy periods.
(Smiles) That’s nice that you think so.
My mom was your age, a healthy never-smoker, when she was put on hormonal contraception for heavy periods. Two weeks later, she was almost dead from a series of blood clots.
Maybe your medical information is not accurate.
I’m really sorry about your mom, Bridget, and I hope she recovered quickly and completely. Given her experience, I can see why you’d be prompted to a sarcastic response by my post. However, along with querying my doctor, I’ve done extensive reading in the academic research on this topic, and the risks are low. I’m not an OB-GYN by any means, but I’m an academic and I understand statistics very well. If your mom’s blood clots were caused by hormonal contraception, then she falls into a tiny minority. As we all know, anecdote =/= data.
My main point to anyone reading this exchange, of course, would be to rely on your doctor’s advice and current research rather than relying on two strangers who are quibbling with each other on the internet!
An anecdote (your own situation) seemed fine when it supported your own beliefs. Why get all snotty when an anecdote undermines those beliefs?
And honey, I noted that it was an increase in risk. How you are then implying that I meant anything other than an “increase in risk” is truly beyond me.
Oh, and I’ve spoken to nurses and physicians about this. They disagree with you. But I guess you’re an “academic,” so I should just sit here and pretend that nothing I say has value.
How adorable, butterkins.
Hey, that happened to me! 28, healthy, never-smoker, started hormonal birth control and was in ER 2 weeks later with blood clots. Turns out it’s a genetic issue (Factor V Leiden) that was triggered by exposure to excess estrogen, not an age issue. At least I got to be the warning bell for all the other women in my family! Given your mother’s experience, you might want to be tested…
Well said, Anon @ 12:13.
My OB told me that the IUD is marginally more effective than tied tubes, so take that for what it’s worth. I never had any problems with Paragard. Turns out I’m infertile, so it’s maybe not a great recommendation for avoiding pregnancy, but I never had any issue with it moving, or causing pain, or making periods bad, or anything like that.
I heard that statistic, too. I think it’s like a tenth of a percent difference, but I’m firmly in No Kids Camp so I’ll take that tenth.
I’m 29 and my husband is 30. We still get a lot of “you’ll change your mind,” so we haven’t started looking into permanent options yet. I like my IUD just fine – a very light, two-day period is pretty sweet.
Assuming my husband would even have the surgery, do men have better luck than women in convincing doctors to do it without having kids? All the guys I know who had it done already had kids.
Much easier for a man to find a doctor to agree because of local vs. general – the two procedures aren’t even in the same ballpark in terms of seriousness. It’s like comparing having a mole removed to having your gallbladder removed.
Yes. Because it is often reversible, the procedure is less invasive, and it is more socially acceptable among men to say you don’t want (to support) kids. Many urologists (almost all are men) would do it without question.
Your husband’s resistance is more common than you might think, but still selfish and hurtful. I would also be very unhappy with such childish behavior. He is going to age and get sick and have serious diseases. He needs to grow up. And he needs to think more about the effects of is behavior on you.
However, I totally respect your desire to be completely in control of your own body, and go for it if it is what you want.
Good to know.
I understand that many people here would be upset and angry by his decision. i get that, but while I’d prefer him to change his mind I’m not angry about it.
only you know the dynamic between you and your partner. Don’t listen to the internets. if you are okay with this, then be okay with it. Don’t let anyone force you to think you should upset.
It’s your relationship- no one has a perfect one. I could never be with someone who didn’t love me more than himself- I would do anything for my spouse and I know he feels the same for me. It doesn’t mean we are perfect we all have our own issues. I do think you should think long about the fact that he has issues with doctors but wouldn’t hesitate to send you in his place- you are his Guinea pig and taking a much bigger risk than he would be.
To 12:13 – phobias are weird things. I hate flying. Full on panic attack. But I don’t worry one bit when my loved ones fly. I know that flying is safe. My psyche when stuck in a tube in the sky doesn’t.
Yeah, because it’s much more reversal than tubal ligation (and also probably because it’s more socially acceptable for men to not want kids).
I had my tubes tied after my second child. They were actually able to perform the surgery immediately after I delivered via c-section. So, definitely not the same situation as you- but, for what it’s worth, I support your decision to have your tubes tied now. Sure it could be something you might regret, but it sounds like you have spent some time thinking about it and it is something you want to do. So do it. My Mother and one of my sisters gave me sh*t about it but I don’t regret it and it was my (and my husband’s to an extent) decision.
Also, if you do have the surgery and you change your mind at a later point- say 5 years from now- you can always do IVF. That’s the easy work around without having to attempt the surgery that may or may not work to reverse the tubal ligation. This was all per my doctor when I asked about my options if I changed my mind down the road. She also indicated that, given my age and medical history, she’d recommend IVF anyway. Good luck!
Did you freeze eggs in this scenario? Can eggs still be harvested after tubes are tied?
No need to freeze eggs. They don’t remove your ovaries with tubal ligation so eggs are still being produced (for lack of a better word) and can be retrieved for purposes of IVF.
Sydney Bristow,
I’m also looking into getting my tubes tied. I’m 42, have never wanted kids, am on my second IUD, and don’t want to deal with IUDs for the next 10-15 years (or whenever I complete menopause). I have spotting, lots of bloating, and irregular periods, and I’m basically finished with implants. I’m well-versed in the options (pill gives me migraines, Mirena is spotting, bloating, etc., condoms are not effective enough, diaphragm is not effective enough and gave me BV, Norplant had the same problems as Mirena but more so, and I’m not interested in trying a copper IUD because I’m sick of implants, same thing for Essure). I live in Minneapolis/St. Paul and got a recommendation for a doctor who examined me, listened to what I wanted, described the three options (titanium clips, cut and burn, or remove tubes entirely), and gave me the number to call when I want to schedule. I appreciated that he didn’t try to talk me out of it.
My assistant (my age, never wanted children) and I were literally just talking about her ligation (cut and burn), and she is so happy that she had it done.
Incidentally, my husband is also Just Not Going to Get a Vasectomy. I’m also well-versed in all the reasons why he should (intellectual and emotional), but ultimately, it’s his body (just like my body is my body) and I’m not going to force him to get an elective medical procedure. I’m not going to hate him (or love him less) for not getting a vasectomy.
Anyway, my two cents.
Thank you. I really appreciate you sharing your experience.
Many years ago I had a bilateral tubal ligation under twilight sedation at age 40 and it was great. I went into a hospital-affiliated outpatient surgery center at 7:00 a.m. and was at home eating lunch by noon. I had the surgery on a Thursday just in case I felt under the weather on Friday, which I didn’t, and was back at my law firm on Monday. I took one Tylenol with codeine as soon as I got home but otherwise needed no pain drugs. My only regret was that I hadn’t done it years earlier. Not having to ever think about birth control again was just.so.wonderful!
To answer your actual question, yes. I got Essure done a few years ago and I regret nothing. It’s less invasive than a tubal. And after a lifetime of being vaguely worried about pregnancy, it was SO GREAT to suddenly be able to uh garden without any fear. I would totally do it if I were you.
I would totally wear a dress like this, although it’s a touch on the boring side. The wrappy-seaming on the front is cool and could be very flattering. Anyone else think that even the sale price is steep for a polyblend?
Is there a reason why similar tall-sized items aren’t included in these write-ups? I appreciate the inclusion of petite and plus-sized options, but as a 5’10” woman, I have a difficult time finding clothing items that are long enough for me. I do watch for sales at certain retailers that offer tall sizes on-line and even work (very) part-time at one of them to get discounts on my wardrobe, but I’d love to see similar options included in these posts for people of my height.
+ 1 million
+1
I think the reason is because there is often not a tall equivalent. A lot of lines make petites and regulars, but far fewer carry talls and regulars. I am a tall, and have resigned myself to having to shop twice as hard to look half as good. And god forbid you are ever a cusp tall. It’s awful. Boden, Talbots and certain longer cut lines are my go-tos. I would spend a ton more via this place if Talls were included, but I think it’s just too hard to rustle up the tall option most of the time.
Unfortunately, I think this is the reason. It would be awesome if we could have one post a week dedicated to Talls, one post dedicated to Petites, one post dedicated to Plus so that as many body types as possible got a fair shake. Even though Kat now links Plus/Petite versions, they’re often not similar at all and there are lots of Tall/Petite/Plus offerings that would be great stand-alone picks.
Yep. The selection is extremely limited and expensive.
Seriously.
Yes, this. But I wonder if much even exists. There also seems to be some assumption among brands that tall = plus-sized, but being tall and not-plus-sized makes finding clothes really hard. I have yet to be able to buy a suit without having it made.
So true. Add in my pear shape, and I’m pretty much a disaster to dress off the rack. I have been loving this midi length trend in skirts because it’s resulted in me being able to find a few that are actually knee-length on me.
Being tall and fat doesn’t make it any easier, alas. I had to search three different malls to find a grey blazer that fit me and didn’t make me look like a refrigerator.
Any good or bad experiences with Lifelock? I’m considering it because my replacement social security card was lost in the mail :(
Also, you know what is super fun? If your replacement social security card gets lost in the mail, you have to go BACK to the social security administration and wait all over again to apply for a new one. Broken system!
I have heard not great things about it. There is no 100% foolproof way to prevent identity theft. I pay for Quizzle and get a credit report every month. You can also do a “credit freeze” where you have all the credit bureaus require a password in order to obtain a credit report, which most organizations will do when extending a line of credit. This FTC website is very helpful for what you’re looking for: https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0497-credit-freeze-faqs
I hear that credit freeze is the best option. Credit monitoring just lets you know if you’re info has been stolen and used. Credit freeze prevents it from being used.
The reviews for Lifelock are horrible. Google it.
Suggestions for a birthday present for a 5-year-old boy (turning 5, that is)? Something under about $35 and readily available in stores as I don’t have time to order anything. I have no idea what kids like. Thanks!
A Lego Junior set or two. Or a light saber. Either would make my 5 y-o son’s day.
Lego for sure.
What about a gift card to the local children’s museum, zoo, etc.? Or if you won’t be able to go to the birthday party, maybe a gift card to go to Dairy Queen or something? It’s a fun treat for the kid that the whole family can participate in, and then there’s no worry about getting the wrong toy that’s just going to end up sitting around.
Movie theater gift cards are fun too.
I wouldn’t recommend this unless you know the kid’s family actually take them to the movies. Lots of 5 year olds don’t (at least in my circles)
It’s 100 degrees where I live. My 5 year and his friends love going to the movies.
Stomp Rockets!!!
STOMP ROCKETS. Also pick up a set for yourself because they are so much fun.
I think the answer is always Legos.
Gift card for bookstore so he can go pick out the books himself.
Thanks, everyone! I googled stomp rockets–those look like a winner (and super fun). I like the idea of museum/zoo/etc visit, but it seems like they already have a membership to basically every children’s-related thing in town.
You guys, Melania though? I am torn between feeling bad for her – she’s multilingual, seems to be a good mother, didn’t ask for any of this – and feeling deeply deeply amused.
Nope, no sympathy whatsoever. She married that wackjob.
The blame for the plagiarized speech, however, falls on the shoulders of the campaign team who actually wrote her speech.
I feel bad for her, kind of. She never asked to be considered a paragon of intellect. I also don’t care that she was a model, plenty of people make tons of money for not doing any real work.
By no means a defense of someone who chose to marry Trump, but I must respond to the implication that models don’t do any “real work.” If you are interested, see modelalliance.org which is organizing models to establish fair labor practices in their workplace.
+1. It is not an easy life by any means.
I am not suggesting that they are not vulnerable to or that they deserve abusive labor practices, but walking 90 feet isn’t work.
never eating carbs and keeping your body in a shape where you are booked for shows for me would be significant sacrifices for maintaining a certain career, ie work. A work I’d never choose though, lol.
Can we not put down a woman-dominated profession on the basis that it isn’t “real work”?
My friend worked her way through college modeling.
It was work.
The humiliation, constant inappropriate sexual advances, daily starvation and body maintenance, and stress of income inconsistency, no control over work hours, constantly being judged and critiqued to your face, short career life span….. I’d take working in the library any day.
My friend is a lawyer now. Ivy college and UCLA law all paid for by her own work. No family help. And she grew up as the smart, awkward, tall, poor girl ostracized by most.
The constant workouts, restrictive diets, 18-hr photo shoots, uncomfortable and heavy prosthesis and costumes…that’s all really hard work.
There’s a lot more to being a model than walking 90 feet. Nothing is as easy as it seems.
+1
There’s a lot of manual labour involved in keeping your body looking that way.
I don’t feel bad for her, because I don’t think anyone is blaming her personally. Everybody knows she didn’t write that speech and I think most people are aware she’s simply playing the role of dutiful wife, not actually guiding the campaign (as opposed to say, Ivanka, who is reportedly one of her father’s top advisors).
I refuse to buy anything from Ivanka’s line anymore because of this.
+1
Co-sign. In the beginning, I was reluctant to blame her for his actions. A daughter can’t exactly publicly denounce her father who is running for president. But it’s become increasingly clear that she is not simply a dutiful daughter who doesn’t want to cause him a huge scandal but renouncing him. She is a huge supporter and key strategist, and I think it’s totally fair to hold her father’s awful views against her and boycott her business.
+2
+4. It pains me because I think Ivanka designs practical, affordable, and attractive shoes. (I’m actually wearing Ivanka shoes today that I love and get a ton of compliments on, that I bought a few years ago…and I cringe every time anyone asks where I got them.) I could understand her not actively coming out against him, but I can’t with her support for her misogynistic ferret-wearing father.
Likewise, I hope her shoe designer quite and gets picked up by someone else, but in the meantime I’ve tossed the pair I had.
Like Scarlett, I got rid of the pair of Ivanka Trump shoes I had. The good news is a lot of the Ivanka Trump styles are vaguely knock-offy so it’s pretty easy to find similar styles from other brands.
I’m sad too! It wasn’t just the style – they are also affordable, comfortable, and have worn like iron (and I am hard on my footwear). I refuse to purchase any more from her line, but I also don’t want to get rid of the ones I purchased prior (otherwise I’d have no work shoes!) so I continue to wear them and hope no one asks me who makes them…
+5 She’s clearly a leader in the campaign. On my last shoe shopping trip I kept finding Ivanka shoes that I loved and I just couldn’t pull the trigger for this reason.
+1. It has happened a few times that I have reached out to grab a dress, top or pair of shoes that I liked, only to withdraw said hand when I see the Ivanka label.
Yep. No more Ivanka for me. I’ve seen her actively play dumb when asked about her father’s hateful positions. If she’s smart enough to play dumb, then she knows exactly what he’s about. I don’t support that sort of viewpoint, and I doubly don’t support her not disavowing it. She’s encouraging it.
No more Ivanka for me.
Yep. I love her shoes but I will not support her company. She should know better and be better than to support her monster of a father.
Agreed. I have a few pairs that I wear occasionally, but won’t buy more.
+6
Right on. I’m disappointed in her.
So I thought the speech was fine. Was it the greatest speech ever? No. But she was poised and articulate, and I actually like her as a person. She strikes me as thoughtful and hard working, not the kind of person who was out partying and getting drunk back when she was a model. I also give her props for addressing a national (and possibly world wide) audience with English not being her first language.
I say all of this as someone who can’t stand Trump.
I assume OP is talking about the plagiarism scandal, not the delivery of the speech.
The plagiarized speech she copied from Michelle Obama? Or hadn’t you seen that news yet.
I mean, she speaks five languages. She’s no dummy. People can hate Trump all they want, but that doesn’t make her stupid or a slut or any of the other terms I’ve heard thrown around.
Yes, I agree. And giving speeches is not her thing and I thought she did well considering.
It’s funny: I am really nonplussed that a person from continental Europe speaks many languages. And yet people here think that mangling reading a written speech in Spanish counts as outreach (I can read and speak it, but I cannot listen to a native-speaker speed withouth a lot of “mas despacio, por favors” thrown in).
Ay.
+1. It’s not an exception to speak that many languages, it’s part of growing up there (as I did).
I did see the plagiarism issue but I don’t think anyone could reasonably blame her (blame the speechwriter). I did see criticisms that her speech was canned/not personal enough so that’s what I am referring to when I say it was fine.
I mean, it was canned/not personal enough because it was a plagiarized from a speech Michelle Obama had already given, so I don’t think that is “fine”, although I agree that Melania Trump likely had very little to do with that.
but she went on the today show and said she wrote the speech herself. while I don’t believe that for a second, she is taking credit for it. so give credit (or blame) where its due.
Yes, what anon-oh-no said. She claimed she wrote the speech herself, only reread it once, wasn’t nervous about it because it was her own words, etc. It’s the height of hypocrisy for her husband’s campaign to go on and on about “crooked Hillary” and “lyin’ Ted” and imply that Obama lied about basically everything under the sun, and then turn around and plagiarize from Michelle Obama. The campaign won’t even acknowledge or own up to it. I still think Melania didn’t have much to do with it, and didn’t know about the plagiarism, but she clearly lied about writing it herself.
sidenote: is it not possible to be thoughtful/hard working, yet go out and party and (gasp!) get drunk sometimes?
I mostly just think it’s hilarious that a bunch of Republians were cheering and clapping an Obama speech.
+1,000 They couldn’t find an R speech to steal from?!?!
My problem with her is that she is liar. She said she wrote the speech by herself. She also said in an interview previously that she doesn’t have any childcare help — even Donald had to walk that back, admitting that they have a nanny. I don’t judge the candidate based on the spouse, but my opinion of her is that she is disingenuous and very judgmental of others.
I don’t hold it against her that she says she wrote the speech herself–I’m sure that’s just what she was told to say. Do I like her the way I like Michelle Obama? Not at all, but I think it’s unfair to ask much of her beyond that she show up and spout the lines she was fed. My problem isn’t with Melania, it’s with Donald.
+1 I suspect that Melania has insufficient power in her marriage to take her husband and his campaign team to task on giving her a plagiarized speech to read and insist that they take the fall rather than her.
Apparently she’s also been lying about graduating university for years in order to better fit the Trump image (read: facade). Compliance eventually constitutes culpability in my book.
I don’t know the woman personally, but the lies about: (1) not having Botox or plastic surgery (yeah, everyone lies about that, but come on), (2) having graduated from college (bigger), (3) not having a nanny (give us a break), and (4) saying she wrote the speech make me have a lot less sympathy for her. But if I were her, I would be humiliated and angry at the staff. I also wonder how dumb the people on the campaign were — obviously she must have practiced it in front of many consultants and staffers, and none of them noticed the similarity? I told my husband during her speech “this sounds so familiar.” How would a room of politicos not notice?
Genuine question: how can you tell that she has had plastic surgery? I wouldn’t at all be surprised if she did Botox but I’m not adept enough to figure out what else she had “done”.
I think it was 100% intentional sabotage by the speechwriter(s). You don’t lift 2 paragraphs from Michelle Obama’s 2008 speech accidentally AND drop in a rickroll. I think it was done on purpose to embarrass Trump by Never Trump people within the RNC.
Haha, I love this theory! :)
+1
+2 That is hilarious, I hope it’s true.
I want so badly for this to be true. It hurts my brain less than the idea of someone doing all this in earnest.
The rickroll just takes it into the realm of absurdity.
I feel bad that her speechewriter must have pleagearized from Mrs. O’Bamas’ speech back in 2008. She or someone on the Trump team should have aksed the speechewriter where he/she got those words, and then should have changed enough of them so that it was NOT so obvius! When I take breif’s, I make sure to be carful enough to change a few words so that the cleint’s do NOT know that all I am doeing is changeing the names and date’s. Trump’s speechewriter must NOT have taken the time to do so. I am sure his manageing partner will NOT give him a fat bonus this year. YAY!!!!
I feel bad for her. Like others have said, she never asked for this and she has never before had to seem like an intellectual. She chose a modeling career, probably because she was lucky enough to be tall and attractive. I am not saying she isn’t smart (she may very well be, I have no idea), but she is not used to being put in these sort of positions. I presume she is being told what to do by her husband and his campaign, and just following blindly because she doesn’t know what else to do. That’s sort of what models do in general. (I was a model for many years before going to college and law school. ) And just a wild guess here, but she may be in a marriage with an unequal balance of power.
But at the same time, she did make the choice to marry Donald Trump. And the lies about her education, etc. are just annoying.
This is such a first-world problem, but I keep waffling: TV in the bedroom, yea or nay? It takes up a lot of room, it’s unsightly, I like the idea of the bedroom being more unplugged, I’m not sure we’d use it enough to justify having it…but we own the TV, there’s nowhere else to put it (other than the spare bedroom), and I would kind of like to have a TV where I can flop around watching Say Yes to the Dress while my SO shouts at Halo in the living room.Thoughts?
yea but wall mount it in a cabinet where you can close the doors so you don’t have to look at it all the time.
Good idea that I wish would work: no room on the wall where it would need to go, unfortunately.
Does the spare bedroom have a bed where you can flop around watching your shows? Can that be your no-Halo TV watching space?
I don’t like having TV in the bedroom because I tend to snack/drink while watching TV. I need the bedroom to be a calorie-free zone so I don’t crave a glass of wine when I go to bed.
The spare bedroom is the only room in the house where my boyfriend has permission to use his favorite organizational system, e.g., piles of clothes everywhere. It is not a place where I want to spend a lot of time ;)
Then it can be his Halo room too. Set up the TV and game system in there.
Nah, his TV setup is way nicer than the one in the bedroom (which is also his, it’s just been on loan to me for the last year). It wouldn’t make any sense to put it in the guest room.
I wouldn’t want a TV in my bedroom but we have only one TV for our entire house. We have iPads and computers that I can watch TV on if my husband wants to use the real TV for video games. My home office computer monitor is actually as big as our TV. If we did get a second TV, I’d probably put it in the basement or guest bedroom. I like having my bedroom be a peaceful, screen-free zone.
True about the laptop/tablet option.
Absolutely not.
I feel like that should be my response, which is why I’m so surprised that I’m actually considering it.
I vote no no no. It’s one of the best things we’ve done for our marriage. We watch TV every night in the den and then go to bed and talk while we are decompressing. I have a feeling if we had a TV in our room, we would turn it off and go to sleep, losing all of the talking time.
So valid and one of my main concerns. SO probably wouldn’t watch it too much, since he has some, ahem, specific preferences regarding screen size, HD features, sound bar, etc., but I wouldn’t want to get into the habit of having it on mindlessly every night.
As someone who had their SSN given to someone else the only thing I can do is monitor vigilantly.
whoops. wrong location (SSN reply above).
I want to chime in an say the bedroom is the only place I had for my tv when we moved in together and I like it for the am when I get dressed and am not tempted by it at night, so if it’s where you have space, it’s where you have space.
Nay. It’s so unhealthy for sleep, and way too tempting. I’d put it in the spare room- if you really want to watch TV in bed move in there.
I am pro-tv in bedroom. I have to have background noise, so it’s nice to have the TV on when I’m cleaning or writing on my laptop in bed (a terrible bad habit, but whatever).
And I like snuggling in front of the TV.
You could put it in the spare bedroom. Then you can still watch your stuff (unless your home has guests a LOT), and your bedroom stays unplugged. Guestroom could be a little private space for you.
We have our spare in the guest bedroom. I really wanted our bedroom to be a screen-free place and this has worked very well for us.
The guestroom is my boyfriend’s little private space, unfortunately. So far I basically have control over the organizational and cleanliness standards of the rest of the house. I have no grounds to complain.
It depends on your needs. I like having a TV in the bedroom because I watch the news every morning while I get ready. I don’t want TV at night while I get ready for bed, so it’s not an issue for me and it would never affect my sleep. It’s nice when I’m sick to be able to lay in bed and watch crap TV (when my kids aren’t clambering all over me).
Same here, I love TV in the bedroom. I get the sleep argument but don’t really watch it at night. I love being able to curl up in bed in the weekends and watch movies or junk shows. Just because it’s there doesn’t mean you have to have it on all the time.
No.
Even if you don’t have sleep problems now, they commonly develop with aging. And bad sleep hygiene habits such as watching TV in bed can make sleep worse over time.
We have one but hardly use it – only when my husband and I are really set on watching different things, which is rare, or when one of us isn’t feeling well. TV right before bed can mess with your sleep, so if you feel like you’ll be tempted to do that, I’d vote no.
We have a TV in the bedroom (against my better instincts) but to my surprise, we hardly every use it. It was great when I was sick and just wanted to rest and veg out. If my husband wants to watch it late at night, I use a sleep mask and he uses wireless headphones so it doesn’t disturb me.
Our bedroom is pretty big and the tv is pretty small, so it’s not obtrusive. If it dominated the room, I might feel differently.
Okay, I think based on all of the comments here I’m going to have to go with no. It can sit in the guest bedroom and never get used. I just don’t think we (I) would use it enough to justify it lurking in the corner, and I don’t want more temptations to get away from my treasured bedtime reading routine anyway.
You know, the danger for me is that the TV actually makes it harder for me to get out of bed in the morning (because it’s just so comfy to watch GMA in bed…). So there’s that, too.
I guess I’m the only one who genuinely loves watching TV in bed. I much prefer it to the couch. I really love my bed though. I eat in there often, too.
When I work from home every now and then, my highlight is literally eating lunch on my bed. I love it.
We used to have one in the bedroom and never used it. It was our old TV, so massively heavy and took up a ton of space and was generally an eyesore.
If you occasionally want to watch something separate from SO and it’s the logical palce to put it, go for it. I have one in my bedroom simply because it was the only place to put the spare tv, but I almost never use it. We don’t have cable, and I don’t have a netflix-enabled device hooked up to that tv, so the only thing I can watch on it are over-air stations and DVDs. I’ll watch a DVD if I’m in the bedroom ironing for a while, but it’s super rare that I lay in bed and watch something.
Quick TMI question. I recently started working out again. Fairly light cardio. Walking a few miles a day. I have some GI issues that my doc is already treating. However, I’ve noticed since upping the cardio, I poop way more the next day. Like multiple times and things are ….. less firm. Trying not to be too gross. I’m wondering if my condition is acting up and I need to call the doc or if it is normal to have an increase in the poop department when you work out more. Can you give me Anecdata?
Doesn’t surprise me. I find when things are NOT working correctly getting up and walking helps. regardless of anecdata, if you have issues you’re seeing a doc for, let them know because they can help you adjust either way.
Cardio definitely does that to me. I don’t know if it’s related to your condition, but when I do cardio regularly (ha!) I definitely stay more…regular.
Same! Although I get the feeling WHILE I am on runs (pun intended).
Call your doctor. Pooping might be from vigorous cardio, marathon runners suffer from it, but a few miles of walking is an unusual trigger.
I think what you’re describing is pretty normal. My husband works out a lot and experiences something similar. I think it comes from dehydrating while working out, and then quickly rehydrating. But if you have known GI issues, then definitely consult a doctor.
Normal, IME.
Normal.
Exercise is good for your bowels in this way. It pushes things along and is a treatment for constipation, which only gets worse with aging (and with a lot of our current diets).
Maybe you were constipated before and didn’t realize it? Maybe now with exercising you hydrate better which also helps constipation.
This happens to me too. Running causes GI issues for me–cramping and diarrhea, specifically. My doctor told me this is not an uncommon reaction, especially in people who already have some bowel issues. I found taking psyllium husk in the evenings helped some, but was not a bulletproof solution. Imodium the night before you plan on running can also be useful. These days, it’s really only an issue if I go longer or faster than usual. Good luck!
Haha. I laugh because this is totally normal but have had so many female friends ask me this.
When you work out, you increase your metabolism. You may also eat more. Both are going to make more poo, and probably intestinal gas as well. I think about the body as engine, and you are just running it faster when you work out.
Thanks everyone! This is why I asked. I didn’t want to call the doc and have him be like “duh, basically biology yo.” I’ll keep an eye on it and if I see any other issues I’ll call in. If no other issues, I’ll just bring it up at our next appointment.
Tell your doctor. I have GI problems and while it’s not a big deal that movement causes increased frequency and urgency it is a factor that they should be aware of. Why on earth wouldn’t you report a changed GI symptom? Even if you think (!) you know the cause?
Hi all! Would love the wisdom of the Hive on this one. What would you do? I am single, mid 20s (with a mountain of student loan debt), junior associate considering a few different job opportunities. I am one of those sillies that struggles with uncertainty and I would appreciate you ladies’ perspective. I welcome all advice and critiques. Thanks!
Option 1: Quintessential big firm life in a practice area that is well respected and has good exit options in an OK city on the east coast. Great mentors, but the firm itself isn’t great in terms of lifestyle and it underpays slightly relative to market.
Option 2: Big firm that pays market, in a great city on the west coast with fantastic people, but the practice area is more risky (i.e., if the industry fails, could easily be out of a job, whereas the practice group with option 1 is recession proof). Doubtful as to whether there is real partnership potential for anyone there, unclear whether the exit opportunities are as interesting as option 1.
Option 3: In-house in a cool niche area in the same OK city on the east coast as option 1. Pay is 70% of what I’d make at a firm and that delta would only increase as I grew more senior. Better hours than options 1 and 2 (I could actually make social plans for a change!) but some challenging personalities to manage (and are unavoidable). I think I could go back into private practice as long as I didn’t stay in house too long.
Which would you choose? Assume the logistics of moving and taking another bar exam is a non-factor.
Option 2 or stay where you are. I wouldn’t sign up for big firm life without market pay, so hard pass on one. Option 3 is problematic and you know that. So Option 2, or stay where you are and keep looking.
Is staying where you are not an option?
Ha – critical detail I left out. I’m at one of the options and could stay. :)
Ok, which one are you at now?
I’d go with Option 2. I wouldn’t choose Option 3 because I think going in-house too early stunts your growth as a lawyer unless you’re in a huge in-house legal department with resources akin to firm resources. I wouldn’t choose Option 1 because I think accepting below-market compensation early on in your career can have lasting negative impacts on your compensation over the course of your career.
Same.
In Option 1, is “OK” city on the east coast LCOL (at least relative to great city on west coast in Option 2), which would offset being paid under market? If COL is about the same, I would go with Option 2 and throw everything you can at your student loans. I agree that I wouldn’t sign up to be paid under market (adjusted for COL) for Big firm life. I also wouldn’t sign up to manage “challenging” personalities in-house.
Question: what do you mean by “below market”? Does it pay less than firms in other cities (NYC, DC), or does it pay less than firms in your own city?
How much is below market?
Would the pay bump on the West Coast be enough to cover the higher cost of living and higher taxes?
Where do you want to live?
We have an flight across the country coming up in a few weeks. Our two girls are very allergic to dog (which itself is so sad as I am a huge dog person). I’ve already called the airline to ask about pets and they have confirmed there are none but is there a precedent of who gets their flights changed if there is one last-minute?
We were on a flight from LA last week and didn’t note there was an emotional support dog sitting on the lap of the “dog parent” and the girls broke out into hives. We asked and the flight had confirmed there was not one. We went to the front of the plane which helped but it was really too late.
Just curious how other people have dealt with a situation and would like to offer any tips.
What’s your treatment regime for the kids? My daughter is highly allergic to cats and we go visit my MIL who has a cat once a year. Cat is mostly outdoors and we stay in the house next door. Our Ped recommended taking over the counter children’s Claritin for one month prior to travel to low histamine level in blood and continue Claritin for the duration of the visit.
We haven’t had any issues. I recommend this approach as even if there isn’t a dog on the flight, you could end up sitting next to someone with dogs that has dog fur/dander on their clothes.
Do you have a note from the doctor? Perhaps take pictures of your child breaking out in hives and show that as a demonstration of how bad it gets? The problem with allergies is that some people’s reaction might be sniffles whereas another person has their throat close up. Most people when they hear dog allergy will think the person will sneeze and thats it, so you will have to prove to the airline you are not being overdramatic.
Can they wear masks?
Ha- most likely my 1 and 2 yo wil not tolerate a mask :)
I think children/parents of children with a serious allergy are expected to carry antihistamines, epi-pens or whatever else is required to keep the child safe in case they come into contact with their allergen while out in the wider public.
+1 You can’t expect the rest of the world to accommodate your child’s allergy.
I hope you never know the stress of having a child with a life threatening allergy.
For heaven’s sake. No need to be snarky. It is completely legitimate to say that it’s easier for one person to change than for everyone else to change.
I have flown with my pet. He gets a pet ticket that costs about $100 each way. I try to book direct so that it’s less time in the carrier for him. If asked, I would move to a different part of the plane. But a different flight is a non-starter, for the simple reason that it’s stressful for my animal to be in the carrier (with limited food/water and no access to a litter pan) for a longer time.
Advice? Be proactive. Antihistamines. Wipe down the seats beforehand. If there is a pet on board, ask to be moved to a different flight.
I actually think this is more about teaching the child to manage their own allergy, especially if it’s life-threatening. When they are in school, visiting a friend’s house, at overnight camp, away at college, they will need to know how to take care for their safety as they won’t have a parent to do it for them.
I was reacting to Anon at 10:55 not lawsuited at 10:25.
It’s a fair general comment but OP’s kids are young. It is incredibly stressful to travel or do anything with children too young to verbalize when they are having symptoms. A 1 year old or even a 3 year old will have a hard time articulating that they are experiencing throat swelling. Allergic reactions are not always external. While parents have a responsibility to take precautions like carrying epipens etc it is also helpful if people don’t take the attitude expressed by Anon at 10:55 that the world should do nothing to accommodate. Like if the kid next door is allergic to peanuts, then use birdseed and not peanuts in your backyard bird feeder. You’d be surprised how many people are not willing to accommodate at all and expect allergic children to be kept in their rooms.
Actually, some sirlines will not serve peanuts if a passenger has a severe peanut allergy. So there is a precedent for airlines accommodating allergies
Unfortunately, in this case, your daughter’s allergies fall behind other disabilities. Emotional support animals and service dogs are protected–they do not take into account if people have allergies–they cannot ask the person with an ESA or service dog to switch flights. If you say you cannot fly on a plane that has an ESA or service dog, they will likely say you need to book another flight. At this point, most allergies aren’t considered a verifiable disability by the ADA.
Further, even if there is no dog on that flight, there likely was right before, and they don’t do thorough cleanings to rid the plane of dander. So all you can really do is try to ensure there aren’t pets (but assume there will be a service dog). Go through an allergy injection regimen, make sure they have their prescriptions and bring an Epi-pen.
(I am truly sympathetic to this. I have a service animal for my seizures, and when I worked in an office, I had a coworker horrifically allergic to dogs and it was tricky. We made it work by working on different floors and using different entrances/bathrooms, but if we had been a smaller office, it would have been awful.
And I have run into people with allergies on flights who have gotten really upset–which I completely understand–but I can’t be without my pup, either. The ADA currently sides with me, and I know that sucks, but I don’t know what the alternative would practically be. )
Also-when you call and ask about pets–the can tell you if pets are booked in the cargo hold–they have no idea how many ESAs or service dogs will show up. So that’s really no help.
Most ESAs sit in the lap, so they don’t require a special seat, and if possible, service dogs owners typically choose the bulkhead seating for extra room if they have a large dog, but we are not required to notify the airline ahead of time.
I just roll in, and, if questioned, show the airline the documentation from my doctor noting my medical need for the dog.
I usually book an extra seat for my pup for extra room so she can lay down comfortably, but most do not.
This is good to know, KT. And thank you for your very insights.
Listen, everyone, not asking to be so divisive here. I am not sure what the regulations here so please be mature with your comments.
OP, this is not exactly true. Emotional support animals are required to be registered with the airline 48 hours in advance and while it is true that there is no limit to the number allowed on the plane (like there is with pets), the airline does know shortly before the flight how many will be showing up. “Real” service dogs like KT’s can just show up, but, in my experience at least, the vast majority of in-cabins animals are either pets or emotional support animals, not service dogs. Of course there is a chance you will get a service dog on the flight, but that’s pretty rare. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen one on a plane in 20 years of flying 25K+ miles a year, but I have seen tons of pets and emotional support animals. I would definitely call again within 48 hours of departure to confirm there are no pets or emotional support animals.
Emotional support animals have this right? I thought it was just service dogs…
On flights and housing, ESAs have the same rights as service dogs. It’s just they can’t go into stores, malls, public areas like service dogs.
“On flights and housing, ESAs have the same rights as service dogs.” This is false. ESAs have more rights than pets on flights and housing, but they do not have the same rights as service dogs. There are specific laws that grant them rights to flights and housing and they are not covered by the ADA, which is much more expansive. For example, an owner of an ESA can be asked for proof they need the animal (i.e. a letter from a psychiatrist) while a blind person with a service dog cannot. There are lots of differences between the rights of ESAs and service dogs, even in the places they’re allowed by law.
I know OP is asking about domestic flights but just as an FYI – KT’s comments are service dogs/ESAs may not may not apply to international flights. In Canada, allergies are disabilities when they are severe enough to impact daily life, OP’s child would meet the criteria. Usually, but not always, first to book is accommodated and other is changed to different flight. Or first to check in if no notice prior to check in. Accommodating conflicting disabilities is one of the hardest things for customer service to navigate so know your rights/responsibilities for sure.
^Good point. I haven’t done much international travel with my dog and don’t even want to try and figure out the intricacies of what some country’s consider a disability and what they don’t.
The airline sets the policy. So if you are flying to Canada on United or American Airlines, it will be the same as flying United or American Airlines domestically and they follow the Americans with Disabilities Act, which recognizes ESAs and does not recognize allergies as a disability.
Of course, if you are flying on Air Canada, that airline’s policies will apply and would be based on the laws of Canada.
This isn’t accurate. If you are offering a service in Canada (air flights) you have to follow Canadian discrimination laws.
I really doubt that reasonable accommodation would extend to eliminating all animals and animal dander from the flight, even in Canada. My friend is deathly allergic to peanuts, and she is not even guaranteed a peanut-free meal by Air Canada, but is allowed to bring her own food onto the plane and a large number of epi-pens onto the plane.
Reasonable accommodation is also the standard used in Canada. Air Canada accommodates by asking passengers seated around the allergic person not to consume peanuts or peanut products. (passenger’s row, one row in front and one row behind). They also do not serve peanut products as a part of their inflight meals or snacks. That’s reasonable.
My comment was in reference to Anon at 10:52 saying that if you depart from Canada that the airline follows the rules of their country of registration when that’s not accurate. If you depart from Canada or arrive in Canada you have to provide reasonable accommodation for persons with disabilities per Canadian law- which in some cases includes people with allergies.
Same as all airlines flying into or out of Europe have to follow EU financial compensation rules for delays whether it’s British Airways or American Airlines doesn’t matter.
I’m Canadian too, which is why I referenced reasonable accommodation. I’ve travelled with my above-mentioned friend on Air Canada and they could not guarantee her a peanut-free meal, and certainly did not ask the people in the rows around her not to eat peanut products.
I saw someone carrying a PIG in O’Hare Airport last week. It was being carried in a lady’s arms around Terminal 3. It wasn’t wearing any special vest or anything, but I was wondering if it was an Emotional Support Pig. What a surprise it would be to end up sitting next to a real pig on your flight.
OMG, I love pigs and I would die of happiness if I was seated next to an “emotional support pig.” I’m aware most people would find it super gross though.
I took a picture. I thought it was adorable, but then again I didn’t have to sit next to it.
I have an emotional support animal, and the official rule (though rarely enforced from what I hear) is that you have to register the ESA with the airline at least 48 hours in advance or risk not being able to fly with the pet. Airlines also require you to tell them about a pet in advance (on some, like United, you have to buy the pet ticket when you buy the human ticket). I would call the airline inside the 48-hour window and confirm there are no pets or ESAs on the flight. If they tell you no at that point, and then there is one, I think you have a good argument that the person with the pet or ESA should be moved to a different flight.
I will tell you that in practice airlines will not say boo to ESA owners. I don’t think this is right – particularly if the ESA owner hasn’t registered at least 48 hours in advance as required by airline policy – but it’s pretty clear airlines are terrified of getting sued. I’ve flown extensively with both a pet and an ESA and the experience is totally different. When I fly with a pet, I’ve gotten hassled by gate agents and flight attendants about everything (including the size of her carrier, whether she fits in it, whether the top can be open to let her head out, etc.). When I’ve flown with an ESA they have said nothing to me, and they normally don’t even ask for my ESA prescription, although they are legally allowed to do that. ESAs can go on a persons lap, while pets must strictly remain in carriers (and many flight attendants won’t even allow a pet to stick their head out of the carrier). I believe if you confirmed 48 hours in advance there were no pets on the flight and someone showed up with a pet, they would bump that person. But if someone showed up with an ESA, they probably wouldn’t because they fear the ADA so much.
So the policy is kind of a misnomer. It just says it’s “recommended” to contact the airline ahead of time, not that you have too. They caution that they may not be able to accommodate you, particularly if you have a large dog, not that they won’t.
So because the policy is so wishy washy, most don’t.
American Airlines says you “need” to contact them 48 hours in advance to fly with an ESA (not a service dog, those are exempt). I always have. I don’t believe they would turn you away if you didn’t tell them in advance and showed up at the ticket counter with an ESA (see: fear of getting sued) but I believe it’s unfair to people with allergies not to let the airline know in advance so if someone like OP calls and asks they can give her accurate info.
Interesting-I’ve never seen that said by any airline. I don’t know if that is enforceable really because of the ADA.
Of course it is. It’s a reasonable accommodation to allow you to bring a dog but require minimal advanced notice.
The relevant rule for ESAs is not the ADA. Emotional support animals are NOT service animals within the meaning of the ADA and are in no way covered by that act.
ESAs are included in the Air Carrier Access Act (and a housing law that I don’t know much about), which is why they only have to be allowed on planes and by landlords, not restaurants/stores/etc, and the ACA specifically allows airlines to ask owners for the ESA prescription and to require it 48 hours in advance. United and many other airlines have the same policy. It’s not unique to American Airlines, although I am not sure how much any of them enforce it.
“The final rule limits use of emotional support animals to persons with a diagnosed mental or emotional disorder, and the rule permits carriers to insist on recent documentation from a licensed mental health professional to support the passenger’s desire to travel with such an animal. In order to permit the assessment of the passenger’s documentation, the rule permits carriers to require 48 hours’ advance notice of a passenger’s wish to travel with an emotional support animal.”
(None of this true for service animals, which are covered by the ADA.)
KT, I wish you wouldn’t spout off so much about the law regarding emotional support animals because you have no idea what you’re talking about and have given people lots of misinformation, both today and on previous threads. Emotional support animals are covered by two specific laws: the Air Carrier Access Act and the Fair Housing Act, which gives them specific rights on airplanes and in housing situations. They are not considered service animals within the meaning of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) and have no rights created by that act. My understanding from your previous posts is that you have a service dog that assists with a non-psychiatric medical issue, which is not the same thing as an emotional support animal. Service dogs are covered by the ADA and have a whole different (much broader) set of rights than emotional support animals. Even on airplanes, where both kinds of animals are allowed, the rules pertaining to them are different, because they are created by different laws. Airlines legally can and do treat emotional support animals differently from service animals.
– a lawyer with an emotional support animal
I’d probably give them a Claritin or Benadryl before the flight as a precaution and then ask at check in and again at boarding about any dogs. If there are, they will certainly know at that point and you can ask to be seated as far as possible from the dog in question. I’m not sure if the rule is the same for all airlines, but I remember a friend who flies with her dog telling me that only 2 are allowed on any one flight (maybe even 1) so you should be able to be seated far enough away on a standard plane.
^That’s true if people are flying with small pets as carry-ons, not for ESAs or service animals. There is no limit for how many can be on a flight–I’ve been on planes with 6 or 7 others (we were all attending the same medical conference)
Use Claritin or Aerius not Benedryl as Benedryl can make some kids drowsy/slurry and that makes it harder to tell if they are having a oral implicated reaction which would require an Epi-pen (mouth/tongue swellling) or if they are just drowsy from the Benedryl.
Thanks for this. We had been doing Benadryl as there was something in Claritin that was making the younger child have nosebleeds. Will try Aerius- hopefully with better results.
There’s also a higher than package directions therapeutic dose that you can give for each of these. Talk to your doctor. Our safety plan is regular Claritin dose before flight, two epi-pens per child in flight (because each epi can last about 20 minutes and sometime when it wears off you’ll get a rebound). Generally need to budge 45-60 mins for a flight to emergency land. If they have had the regular dose already but still start to react in flight then you can add medicine to get to the therapeutic dose (be careful to include the pre-flight dose when calculating) if you don’t have concerns that would warrant Epi – e.g. just external hives (I presume you know the Epi rules).
And don’t take medical info from the internet – talk to your doctor about flight safety planning !
I’m sorry but this makes me sad. This child is running out of solutions to the point of nosebleeds and hives!
As a hives sufferer, Zyrtec is really the best OTC for hives. The reason is something to do with pharmacology and the histamine cycle…
Me again. In a pinch, ice is really great for soothing the pain and burning of hives.
A friend has a kid with a peanut allergy. The family notifies the airline and get to board first. They throughly wipe down the seat and surroundings to get rid of possible crumbs. And of course trying to get a seat with a good distance to pets/ESAs.
SHEESH, What is the deal with Emotional Support Animals? What ever happened to being an adult and dealing with your own problems. This seems like a thinly veiled attempt by pet owners to avoid cargo-checking their pets.
You can take cats and many small dogs as carry-on pets, though. My pet dog flies about 10 or 15 times a year. Registering your animal as an ESA just screws the airline out of money, because you have to pay a fee to bring a pet but not an ESA. It doesn’t change what a co-passenger with allergies would experience.
Doesn’t it, though, if the pet is on the lap?
It sounds like OP’s daughters’ allergies are so severe they would have problems even if the animal was in a carrier. Airlines will always re-seat someone with allergies away from the animal. If you’re so allergic that you’re going to have a reaction to a pet 30 rows away, I doubt it makes much difference if it’s in a carrier or not, especially since airline pet carriers are typically open-air to allow the animal to breathe. I also usually put my small pet dog on my lap under blanket and haven’t gotten too much grief about that even though it’s technically not allowed (I generally ask my seatmate first if it’s ok, and would definitely put her in a carrier if my seatmate wanted me to for any reason, including allergies – and I suspect many people with ESAs would do the same unless the animal is specifically there to treat anxiety due to flying).
Ouch. Really?
While some people do abuse the system to take their pets, for some people with mental illness, anxiety and other disabilities, ESAs provide a real benefit. While they’re not task trained like service dogs, they do give their persons a therapeutic benefit, helping them get through really difficult times.
My nephew is autistic and his ESA is a life-saver. His pup keeps him calm in situations that would otherwise be extremely difficult for him.
Listen- some people do need their support system- be it a therapist, support animal or otherwise. There are probably people who abuse the system, and people who genuinely need this support.
We were moved to the front of the airline which did help a lot. Luckily this isn’t a life or death situation for my kids but let’s give people with some special accomodations the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone is abusing the system.
Option 1, because of the mountain of student loan debt. Until that is paid off, you want to make sure you have as much job security as possible and very good exit options. Since you describe Option 2 as being a risky practice area and Option 3 is in-house and probably doesn’t have the same exit options as a top firm, I would go with Option 1.
There are a number of dresses in JCrew final sale that are lovely. I don’t shop there enough so I don’t have the courage to order online without the option to return. Local store doesn’t have it. Le sigh.
Yaassss! I ordered the tweed dress with lace cap sleeves and the neon tweed moto jacket. Awesome sale on popbacks.
Check this logic:
I called the local store. I can exchange, though not return, final sale items. They don’t give store credit (store-to-store, depends on sales person but this is generally against policy), so you have to exchange the final sale item the same day you bring it back.
So, if I get the final sale item and exchange it for a regular, non-sale item that is returnable…. can’t I get my money back?
ETA: I know thise policies inside and out at Loft, AT and BR. I like JCrew, but don’t shop there often enough to know how to get around some of these policies. Any regulars out there have advice?
I think you can always exchange the exchange if you don’t find something that day that you actually want to keep.
Also, I’ve returned final sale items at JCrew Factory without issue before for full money back.
Do you have an American Express card? You can use return protection for this if you don’t like the dress. They may ask you to send it back, but I’ve rarely been asked to do that and usually donate whatever item it is (I feel weird throwing it out?)
This just seems ….wrong to me. Would never do.
I am still thinking about the This American Life episode last week about the outlandish returns people make to Land’s End, taking crazy advantage of their generous return policy. Examples included slippers worn for decades, thread-bare shirts, and wet/stained camping equipment. All accepted and cash given back.
One of my college roommates was crazy rich, and regularly would buy a new dress from Nordstrom for each fraternity formal/party, and then return the dress/shoes the next day after wearing them.
What? This is very different than buying a dress and returning it. I pay a membership fee to Amex every year and this is an explicit protection that they advertise. This is the EXACT REASON for return protection. I’m not talking about buying something then making a false insurance claim that it was broken or stolen. They sell it AS return protection.
*It was LL Bean actually. I loved that episode.
I don’t, and I don’t like this approach.
You certainly don’t have to do it, but there’s nothing sketchy or to “dislike” about doing it because there’s no questionable ethics behind it. It’s an advertised benefit of the AmEx product.
Look, that’s what American Express markets. It’s why they charge a larger fee to the merchants and charge fees to the cardholders. OP wouldn’t be doing anything shady. She’s purchasing the item in good faith, and she’d be using the purchase protection in good faith according to the terms thereof (presumably). Not at all the same as buying, wearing, and returning a dress. I think it’s a good suggestion.
I see your point.
You think this is really what AmEx is going for?
To each his/her own.
uh. yes.
https://www.americanexpress.com/us/content/card-benefits/return-protection.html
Yes. Exactly. It’s coverage beyond what the merchants provide. They want you to have it. Really. They want you to. For realsies.
After being out of undergrad for ~6 years, I think I know what I want to do with my life: genetic counseling. I have a business background and know I will need to get a few science classes under my belt, which I am looking at doing through a local community college. I’d be applying for Masters programs next year.
I started talking about it with my direct manager this morning. Obviously I’d take as many night classes as possible to minimize impact on my work, but I wanted to get his thoughts on working around it if I had to take a class during the day (the campus is across the street from my office). And He kind of poo-pooed it (but then said she wouldn’t stop me?). We have flex time and he doesn’t generally care what we do as long as we work our hours in.
How would you proceed now?
Ummm what kind of fantasy world are you living in? Be grateful you didn’t get fired when you announced your plans to leave your job, take your night classes, and stick with that. I find it absurd to feel entitled to leave a job to take classes during the day.
I wouldn’t say you’re entitled or live in fantasy world, but this does come off a bit out of touch.
Your manager is not going to be okay with you taking time off or changing your schedule to accommodate day classes to pursue another career. That’s just not realistic. You are lucky she didn’t show you the door.
I would take your night classes and keep your plans quiet, honestly.
+1. Agree that you don’t necessarily come off as living in a fantasy world, because I did exactly what you did and it went very well. I was in a fairly flexible workplace, was a valued employee (not to say you aren’t) who was the only one on my team doing a particular set of tasks which could be done independently and on flex time without issue, and was clear that I would take evening classes whenever possible (in fact took classes for a couple of years before I got far enough into the academic program that I simply couldn’t take all evening classes). I assume it helped that I always made my hours and effectively gave five years’ notice. I would have been prepared to leave the job if it became impossible to meet their needs. My management team became my biggest cheerleaders along my path to a new education and career change. However, I was clearly fortunate and I think you simply learned that your workplace is not the same dynamic. As others say, keep your head down, take your classes, and do your thing.
Not necessarily entitled if it’s clear the current job is a stepping-stone kind of role. Some jobs (hello, most – who’s speaking from which privileged white-collar world now?) aren’t designed as careers.
This is why people hate Millennials.
Except that we have no idea what kind of job she has- if it’s a clearly transitional job, or if she’s overqualified for the position- it may very well be a job that is an understood jumping off point.
Yep. I was the assistant manager at a coffee shop for four years in my mid 20s. My boss was completely supportive of me openly taking classes to become a CPA, including making minor tweaks to my schedule to allow for days when I had to take a midterm or final at a proctored testing location, because the job was clearly transitional.
hahahahaaha
I’m surprised your manager had the relatively calm reaction he did – you need to know that announcing that you want to take college courses during the work day in order to get a new job would not go over well at all with most bosses.
But your question was how to proceed now. I think I’d go to your manager and explain that you realize it was a big ask and somewhat out-of-touch and that your first priority is making sure your work continues to be done well and on time. Then take the courses at night.
Also, see what else you can find out about genetic counselling – I have doubts that a few science night classes will be sufficient?
Agreed, the idea of someone this casually treating a genetic counselling career gives me shivers because even if I can fire a horrible counsellor I’d still have to go through the process which would be horrendous on top of the reasons why I need the genetic counselling to being with
I understand wanting to flesh out the feasibility of attending grad school while working, but you should have waited until you were actually in. No one goes to their manager and says “I’m thinking of getting pregnant, just a heads up.” If you want to keep that job, do whatever you possibly can to take classes at night.
Ha! I did. Not exactly that but I worked for a very small firm with a big case load, no coverage and no defined maternity policy. I needed to know if I’d have a job when I came back. I’m one of those people that could go either way on having kids so my job’s reaction was going to play a part in my decision. I didn’t say I’m thinking of getting pregnant but I definitely said we need a maternity policy here and we need more coverage in case someone needs leave. My boss very quickly put 2 and 2 together and said “do you have something to tell me???” I said “nothing yet but thinking about it and need to know what that would look like here.” I actually think if you are in a state with zero protections for maternity leave and if you are the family breadwinner, it’s the responsible thing to do. I wouldn’t be having a kid if I had no job to pay the mortgage with.
These jobs are quite competitive and require a lot of knowledge. A few “science classes at a community college” wont quite cut it. It will be difficult to get a good job if you don’t get into an excellent Master’s program.
If your business background includes strong math/statistics so that you can be well versed in statistical genetics, that could be excellent and would make you more marketable.
I strongly recommend you contact a local individual working as a genetic counselor, and see if you can talk to them about their background. And then take a vacation day, and shadow them.
Great field though, with potential for growth.
I actually don’t think it’s crazy to do this and it would probably go OK at my company. I think it’s all how you approach it though. Did you say “i want a totally different career and I’m going to need time off?”. You really could’ve kept the night classes quiet and then approached the day classes if necessary. Saying “i might need time off during the day to take a class totally unrelated to this current job” isn’t going to go over well. Let it die down for a week or so and then approach the conversation again from a better place. Affirm that you aren’t looking to leave the company anytime soon.
Can we elect him instead? Please? At least we’d be entertained in a good way.
The resurgence of the “Colbert Report” Steven was the highlight of our night last night.
Does anyone have a recommendation for a hairdresser in Boston? Id prefer someone who can recommend something that looks good. My hair currently is overgrown and has absolutely no style. I had a great guy in DC but haven’t cut it since I moved (over 7 months ago, whoops!) Would prefer to be around South Station but will take all recs. Thank you!
DH and I just got back from a lovely wedding out of state. DH was the best man and as such, one of the things he was asked to do was make sure “everyone got tipped” at the end of the night (bride and groom gave him the $). I was so suprised since at our wedding (about a decade ago), I *know* we didn’t tip anyone. I’m wondering if this is vendor-specific, venue-specific, or if we were stingy (or this B&G were more generous than usual)?
Our venue was a set amount per person, which included tax and tip. This included our day-of coordinator, bartenders, servers, etc. We did not tip anyone affiliated with the venue on top of this flat rate we paid to the venue, since we assumed tip was included (bartenders put a tip jar out, I assume).
Our photographer was an independent woman; we paid her what we agreed to contractually and did not tip. We served as a reference and got her several clients. Our DJ was independent and we paid him our previously negotiated rate. I believe we did give him an extra $100 or so because he brought his wife along (we got them both dinner of course, and he asked if we would be OK with it in advance- I think her mom lived in the same town we married in) and she actually served as a secondary coordinator- this wasn’t something we asked for but it was a big help! ). We have also served as a reference/referral for our DJ over the years. I got my hair and makeup done at a salon, so tipped the stylist there.
At the wedding we just came from, the B&G rented the venue but hired out caterers and bartenders. All servers and bartenders got a tip from the B&G at the end of the night (bartenders also had tip jars out). The DJ was independent (ie not “Joe from Dan’s Party Possee”) and got a big tip (10% of the fee). The hairstylist was ind pendant and from her own salon, and was given a big tip on top of her “come to the hotel and do everyone’s hair and makeup” fee, which was IMHO high enough to include tip.
Thoughts?
Yes, it’s stingy not to tip, but your wedding was in the past so there’s nothing you can do about it now. It’s completely normal to tip servers, hairstylists, etc.
even though the venue we went with specifically called out in the contract that the rates included a tip (and this was a long time ago but I’m pretty sure it included the amount- like “includes 18% service gratuity”). Do the servers/bartenders not see that?
Not sure where you got married, but there is a “service charge” at most of the wedding venues in my area of around 15-20% and it does not go to the staff/servers. It’s basically an additional fee for the venue. So we tipped the staff on top of that .
Yeah, we tipped everyone–coordinator, servers, bartender, caterer, photographer, hair dresser, makeup person–I thought that was pretty standard.
But your wedding is over and done, so I wouldn’t worry about it.
I got married last month.
I tipped everyone. Our venue was one of those where you have to bring in everything yourself (tables/chairs/dishware, food, dessert, servers, tent, etc) – nothing is provided except the space. We tipped all servers, bartenders, our wedding coordinator, hair/makeup, photogs, musicians, florist, site coordinator, etc. Everybody. I know tips are suggested not required, and that a lot of people say that an independent vendor doesn’t need to be tipped (as in our florist owns her shop, so we “shouldn’t” have had to tip her), but I don’t like that approach. You rendered a service, you rendered it well, and I’m going to tip you.
I got married 5 years ago – pretty low-budget affair, DIY decor, etc. I wasn’t sure how many staff people would show up from the catering company, so I think I took $400 in $20 bills with me in an envelope and gave it to my MOH. End of the night, my tipsy self took the envelope back and made it rain on those attendants. There weren’t that many. I was a popular bride.
We took our wedding planner’s lead on this one and she suggested who we should tip and the amount we should tip. And most people got tipped pretty nice.
I think she was pretty insulted with her tip (but she screwed up pretty badly the day of and never apologized so thats what a tip is – for good services)
I think the unofficial rule is that you tip anyone who is not the sole owner of the business. For example, we tipped at our venue to cover the serving staff, bartenders, etc., but we did not tip our photographer because he was a single business owner. I didn’t tip the make-up artist because she was also a sole proprietor, but if we had gone to a salon, I would have tipped the artist there, presuming she was an employee who did not own the business. The idea is that, if they’re the business owner, they’re building the costs that would typically be covered by a tip into their services, but if a person is an employee of the business, they don’t get to set their own prices. The tip helps to mitigate that discrepancy in my mind.
that’s what we went with back at our wedding, so the photographer owned her own biz, no tip. We made a donation in the name of the person that did our ceremony (minister) on top of the church fee. This wedding I don’t know if they tipped the JP- DH didn’t have that assignment.
We also didn’t tip those that fell into the “all inclusive” $X PP rate we were given, since we were told it included tip.
The wedding we were at recently was more of a rent-the-venu-BYO-everything, so I definitely see why those people (bartenders/caterers/servers) were tipped.
I’m obviously not going to hunt people down 10 years later, but genuinely curious if we were being cheap/oblivious or if this was just a different set up / different situation
I think you’re right that it’s a different set-up/situation. Now that you mention it, I think our restaurant venue did include an 18% gratuity in the contract, but I think my dad might have given them a little more after they allowed us to continue to use the venue 30 minutes past our official end time.
It sounds like if your friends were bringing in everything it would make sense that they would have to tip delivery drivers, bartenders, etc. I could even see needing to tip the DJ, photographer, or musicians if they were sent through a larger company. (However, my husband and I also do some work as freelance classical musicians, and it’s not uncommon for us to receive a tip in addition to the agreed upon rate even when we book the event directly. I guess YMMV.)
I got married 10 years ago, and while it was handled by my father, I know we tipped some people, but not others. For instance, I know we tipped the minister in the form of a contribution to the church (at his request), and tipped the servers, bar-tenders and coordinators at the reception site. I know we tipped the band in a lump sum, too, as well as provided food and items not requested on their rider. I know we did NOT tip the florist, cake baker, or photographer. Those were all separately negotiated prices and to me do not require a “tip.”
I got married five years ago. I tipped the hair and makeup people, just like I would if I were going to the salon for a regular appointment, but I did not tip the servers, DJ, florist, cake maker or photographer. The venue included a service charge so I assumed that took care of the servers and the DJ, florist, cake maker and photographer were all business owners who set their own price and I thought you don’t tip the business owner (just like you don’t tip the owner of a hair salon). I’m surprised to see all these responses saying you are stingy for not tipping.
Same. I just got married a year ago and we only tipped the hair salon. Tips were explicitly included in my venue (we had no venue charge as members of the country club). Why would I tip the photographer for doing her job when I already paid her $2000?
Totally off topic but I am really struggling with my parents lately. My youngest sister (who has always been the baby and treated like a princess) is a drug addict. Lately she has been on a real downward spiral. My parents just keep bailing her out, forgiving her, giving her money, and enabling her. It is SO frustrating to watch. They are incredibly stressed and depressed and I’m so worried about them, but they don’t listen to me or my advice.
Is there anything I can do??
I have dealt with something similar (not as stressful as being a full blown drug addict, but close)- I don’t think so. I used to get SO MAD (and still sometimes do) at how they handled the situation- for me, it was more watching them just yell at her instead of trying to find productive ways to stop the behavior. Being mean to someone doesn’t make them want to change…but anyway, I don’t think there is anything you can do. Your parents will never listen to your opinion as more important than their own because “she is their daughter” and “you cannot understand”.
I think the best thing is to disengage as much as possible. I stopped wanting to know the stories. I stopped asking. I got some physical distance from the situation which has made my life 100x better.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. You’re not alone.
Yes, I think I have to be more proactive about disengaging, you are right. I rarely see my sister and we are not close, I’ve pretty much checked out of that relationship. But I’m my parents’ main support during all of this so I hear all the stories.
Honestly, probably not. They need to get their on their own.
Yes, this has been my experience. I have a twin brother. We both went away to university in different cities and within our first year a mutual friend of ours drove three hours to have coffee with me. We weren’t even very close and that was my first warning that something was up.
What was up was that she needed to tell me about the alarming behaviour of my brother’s she’d witnessed over the course of months. Him doing drugs. Him getting kicked out of bars and clubs because he was so out of it/violent. Etc. I tried to share the news with my parents but they were in complete denial, even when he pocket dialed them and managed to have a coke buying session recorded on their answering machine or had a prostitute who stole his phone call them at 3am one night.
The result was that, when he was pushed through a window in his residence and almost bled to death before being transported to the hospital, it was my problem. And so were all other emergencies like that. I still resent them for it. Luckily my brother resolved his own issues and now we, as a family, pretend it all never happened.
So I guess what I’m saying is I really sympathize.
Sorry, this posted before I was done!
I wanted to add – you are in my thoughts and I know how hard it is when you’re trying to go about your own life while constantly worrying about someone else’s. I was debilitated by stress and got really sick (shingles, etc.). If I could go back and do it again, I’d realize that I couldn’t change my brother or parents, but that I did need to change my own reaction to the situation. I would’ve found therapy and emphasized self care. But I was in my first year of university and just trying to survive.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much.
No real advice. I am a recovering alcoholic, and truer words have never been spoken. I have never been arrested, never suffered any professional consequences, or ruined any relationships because of my drinking. However, I have done some insane, reprehensible things while drunk. The thing that made me finally get help was the realization that I wanted to stop but I literally could not stop drinking. It was reflexive, to buy booze, drink it all, and then go buy more. To stop at a bar on the way home from the bar. I finally counted how much I was consuming, and it came out to about 40-50 drinks per week.
Your sister won’t get help until she wants to get help. I realized it was time to get help when I would go to bed and hoped that I wouldn’t wake up. I wanted to erase my brain and my body and I just wanted it all to stop.
I would have them listen to this podcast which I listened to yesterday and totally gave me new thoughts on how to care for family members with intensive needs: http://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/483855073/the-problem-with-the-solution Specially the last story.
My other recommendation is to hire a therapist for her team of support. Everyone that is involved in your sister’s life should go to the therapy meetings to come up with a plan of action. Have the therapist give their input on what the best decisions will be to help your sister. Enabling isn’t great, but going cold turkey with support provided also isn’t great – so find a therapist to help coach your family through these complex steps. Your parents are probably not trained to handle this situation, so turn it over to a professional.
Thank you for the podcast link. I really wish my parents would see a therapist or go to Al-Anon (I have suggested it many times) but they just won’t.
Sometimes saying that its not therapy for them, but its seeking out help for the person is a good way to frame it. I don’t get why parents think they need to be an expert in this area and handle it alone. They took their child to a doctor when it got sick, they took them to a music teacher to teach them violin, they found a tutor to help them prep for their SAT- All throughout their life they have found support from experts. Your parents are not expected to be an expert on how to fix someone’s addiction problem, but they could consult with an expert. Try phrasing it that way and see if you will get more success.
No?
Tell your sister you love her.
Find out about rehab programs she is eligible for in her area. Offer to take her.
Get her hooked in with a counselor or social worker so there is one person outside of the family for her.
Take her to a AA type meeting. Once.
Go to the AA type meeting for siblings. Just you.
+ 10000
You have to do something for yourself. Otherwise the stress will ruin your life.
If you are thinking about doing a intervention or something like that, read the book “Love First” by Jeff & Debra Jay. Some friends and I had to do an intervention recently for a friend of ours who had spiraled out of control with drinking and pills, and the book gave us a frame of reference to be able to have the intervention be an outpouring of love and concern for her, rather than trying to force her into anything. She’s been in rehab for the past month and is doing extremely well.
Therapy or Al-Alon for yourself.
Yes, this is all you can do. You can’t control your sibling, who has an addiction, and you can’t control your parents, who are co-dependent. All you can do is control how you interact with them. That’s what Al-Anon is for — family and friends of alcoholics. It’s extremely helpful. There is a lot that you will have to internalize and, quite frankly, you need to learn to let go of certain expectations you have for your family.
Is there a support group that you could join for friends/families of addicts? Perhaps encourage your parents to do the same? As a parent, it probably seems impossible to get comfortable with idea of letting your child hit bottom.
following. My youngest sibling has become a textbook alcoholic. I just saw this sib recently (though they still live with my parents) and was SHOCKED at how bad it was–and how much denial my parents are in. When I brought it up with my parents, they made it clear they see this as a “phase.” Sib is 30, has a very part time job (maybe like 15 hours/week? Had a second job but stopped working there), has had several DUIs and lost their license (commutes to PT job via bus–>train), no car, no savings, medical debt due to inures from one of the DUIs, and goes clubbing 2-3x/week. Parents’ theory is having sib live with them enables them to “keep an eye on things” when in actuality I think it’s SO MUCH WORSE. Sib drinks all day long and it’s either that my parents are really stupid or in complete and total denial. Maybe both.
I’m right there with you. I’m really shocked at how badly my parents are handling this. It’s just complete denial and putting their heads in the sand while hoping the problem somehow magically resolves itself. My sister also has no money, can’t hold onto a job, has been in hospital, etc etc etc…and yet.
So frustrating!!!
My favorite recently is that I found out sib is still on my parents’ cell phone plan. If left to their own devices I guarantee that cell phone bill would not get paid due to either lack of funds or lack of ability to keep on top of payments. How is this person supposed to figure out consequences when mom just pays the bill and asks for $15 “when you have it?”
And hospital bills! After the DUI that ended with a hospital stay and many broken bones, mom was the one sorting out insurance. I get needing an advocate in the tricky healthcare system, but mom went above and beyond and negotiated rates, sorted out insurance, etc. Now sib has no idea what kind of coverage exists, how to manage ones’ own bills, etc. “We can’t have [sib’s] credit ruined over this.” Uh, yeah we can.
I’ve had that exact same conversation with my mom. She pays my sister’s credit card!! Omg. It makes me want to scream.
My parents and twin are in this cycle too. As I mentioned above, my twin is now (mostly) on track and able to hold down a job. However, my parents are so scared of him returning to his old ways that they continue to pay his rent and cell phone bill and give him “allowances” for entertainment. He manipulates them and only really visits when he wants money. They tolerate it because deep down I think they know if they stop cooperating they won’t have a relationship with him. It’s sad but I just choose to reframe – I’m lucky that I can support myself and that my parents know that and give me the trust and autonomy that’s normal for someone who’s almost 30.
Nar-Anon meetings for your parents. They are for family members of the addict, just as Al-Anon is for family members of alcoholics. It’s very helpful to listen to other people describe how they made the same mistakes that you are currently making to jolt you out of your enabling behavior!
Disengage. You can’t change your parents, you can’t change your sister. They each will have to do that on their own, if they choose. I have told my parents that I have essentially “unsubscribed” from my sister and the endless drama. Unless there is an action item, some tangible thing I can do to help, I don’t want to hear about it and I will not discuss it.
I’m working on eliminating filler words from my speech. Has anyone else tried this and have tactics to recommend?
I make sure to do this when I am in court or in depositions so my radar is on during these scenarios. I think it has helped me in my daily life too.
Speaking slowly. Get used to there being a second of silence (no, it’s not awkward!). Force yourself to be deliberate in what you say, eventually it will become more natural.
+1 to speaking slowly. Listen carefully to yourself and pay attention. In the beginning it will feel odd to leave those filler words out but eventually it will seem more normal.
Hey anon, I’m really interested in this. But could you clarify for me what you mean by filler words? Are you talking extra adjectives? Extra “that”s? This probably sounds silly and naiive for me to ask. But thanks!
Yeah- stuff like ok, um, so, like… I’m sure there are others. “Like” is probably the worst offender for many people, although I say “so” a lot where it grammatically or otherwise serves no purpose.
Got it! Sorry, my thinking about this initially was more so written fillers. I have more issues with those!
I second the advice above. Before you speak, just take a breath, think about what you want to say, and take your time. When I was a teenager my mom used to point out when I was using those filler words, and as much as I hated it, it got me out of the habit of using them very young. Now I just take a pause if I need to rethink what I’m saying instead of throwing a word in there.
Record yourself and then listen to it and count the number of times you use a filler word. For me, it was an embarrassing number of times and really made me more committed to slowing down and thinking of what I wanted to say before just filling space with filler words.
Memorize Michelle Obama lines.
Too soon?
Is there a place to sell/give away bridesmaid dresses? I have one that I will never wear again but that hasn’t been altered in any way. It’s from David’s Bridal and a “fast ship” so I assume it’s a relatively common size/style/color.
It isn’t the right look for a prom dress, or I’d drop it at a prom dress charity. Any ideas?
Do NAS items come back in stock before the sale ends? So much of what I wanted is sold out now, and I don’t have a card so I have to wait until the end of the week.