This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Bright colors! Enough of this gray, drab, slushy weather, what we all need are bright, happy colors before the snow and ice bury our spirits entirely. (Or so says your NYC-based blogger.) This silk blouse with satin trim seems like a great piece to straddle the seasons — I'd wear it in the spring with lighter colors (winter whites, light grays, maybe a pop of yellow or red) and in the fall with darker colors (navy, possibly even a brown, a dark charcoal pant with a dark purple necklace). It's 50% off, too: was $328, but is now marked to $164 (sizes 4-14 still left). Samantha Top
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Randi
I posted this on another thread but I think it was too late to get noticed:
We just got word that we have a training budget again this year. Does anyone have recommendations for business / management/ leadership organizations that offer good training other than the American Management Association? I’ve got a list of options from its offerings but wanted to see if there was anything else out there interesting. I’m open to online learning either on-demand or scheduled as well.
Thank you!
Randi
Ellen
Yay! Splurge Monday’s! I love silk blouse’s and color’s now that winter is grippeing us so tightly about. FOOEY on Winter! FOOEY!
As for the OP, I am NOT sure what kind of training you want — the manageing partner ocasionally teaches for the AMA on management topic’s includeing busness ethic’s, but if you want LEGAL topic’s, and you are in NYC, I recomend one of the local Bar Associations. The manageing partner has been talkeing about trying to get some judge’s together to put on a program about WC law, but so far nada. He figure’s out it would be great for busness if our firm’s name were up with alot of WC judge’s b/c then all the companie’s would come flockeing to us for busness. YAY if it ever come’s off.
Right now, our onley conection to the bar association is the manageing partner’s freind, who send’s us blank CLE forms we can keep in our desk drawer just in case we ever need to prove we have enough CLE credit’s. Since we just got audited by the IRS, the manageing partner asked me to check to see how many difernet CLE’s we have in the folder b/c we could get hit by lightening twice with another audit, but I do NOT think so.
Myrna think’s Willem is a littel to formal and does NOT think I could live in Belgum as his house frow. I am not crazy about this, but he is the onley one that is interested in Children and in setteling down NOW, and that is important to me, tho going to Belgum is not my idea of a great place to be. Mabye Paris or Rome, but Belgum? I do NOT think so. Is there anyone in the HIVE from Belgum who can tell me it is OK for a young American to go there and get MARRIED to be a house frow?
I spoke with Grandma Trudy, and she said I need to have children very soon, even tho I am a profesional, she had mom when she was onley 22, and she was considered OLD back then. She pray’s for me every night that I will find a man to MARRY me and she is willing to teach me how to do what Willem wants for his wife. I am not a big cooker or cleaner, but I can be a mother to our children and I supose I could learn to cook and clean, but that mean’s I would have to give all of this up. FOOEY!
Andrea
Ellen, don’t go. Give Sam and his weenie another chance. There are surely other guys for you as a newly minted partner. Do not go to Belgum.
Cb
I can answer an Ellen question. YAY! Yes, Ellen, you could be a huisvrouw in Belgium. It is a lovely place to be a young, American huisvrouw.
Cb
Unless he’s Walloon, and then you’d be a femme de foyer.
BB
Where are you located? I’m in the Boston area and we had a really good presentation training firm come in.
Randi
I’m in Orlando but depending on who else doesn’t use there training money, there potentially is opportunity for me to get extra to cover travel.
I’m actually in IT but it doesn’t have to be IT specific training, leadership, management, etc are all things that they would consider acceptable.
Or if anyone has taken classes through the American Management Association, do you have recommendations for ones to take or stay away from?
Thanks so much,
Randi
DC Wonkette
I’m doing a leadership course now through ICF International, and I’ve found them to be outstanding compared to other courses I’ve taken in the past. They are good at customizing to your organization.
Anon
I highly recommend Mary Munter to teach Management Communication. She can tailor what you need–how to lead a meeting, how to make a presentation, etc. She’s very helpful and very hands-on.
Interview outfit help
So I posted last week about getting a last-minute second interview for a job and about how I was wondering if it was okay to wear the same suit twice. I didn’t get the job, but they invited me to interview for a different (and better) position there. I’ll have interviewed with somewhere between 25-30 people by the time this next round is done (they do it all in one day with tons of interviewers and there is no overlap with the other job I interviewed for). Is it okay to wear the same suit for a third time? The only person who will have seen it all three times is the HR lady. I know I need more than one interview suit, but I’m a recent grad and I thought (based on what I was originally told) that I would only have one in-person interview with this company. Thoughts?
Interview outfit help
I should also add that when I was there, tons of the interviewers were wearing jeans or other casual clothes, including senior level people. I’m just adding this because I wonder if it means I could consider wearing suit separates or something like that…
Brant
I think it’s fine. Wear a different shirt, different jewelry, and maybe a different jacket. Assuming yor suit is just a dark solid and not like, grey pinstriped, I think you’re fine.
Brant
Jacket meaning coat, not suit jacket!
preg anon
Agreed. No way anyone will remember what you wore, unless you wear the exact same, unique shirt. But just a navy suit? Nope. Feel confident and rock that interview!
Susie
Actually sometimes it’s in the interviewers notes to help them remember who’s who. ;)
Interview outfit help
That’s what I’m afraid of – notes on the HR lady’s legal pad saying “Interview outfit help, black pants suit, teal shell, black flats with silver embellishment.” If I wear the suit again, I also have to wear the same shoes because they’re the only ones that are both professional enough for an interview and the perfect height for the pants length. I can wear a different shirt and jewelry, of course, but I’m afraid I’ll look too similar still.
Anon
Definitely don’t worry about wearing a black suit and black flats multiple times. Nobody will notice, and even if they do, who would possibly care? Truly, nobody cares that deeply about your sartorial choices.
Talbots haul follow-up
Agree that it’s fine. I read somewhere that the President has 5 suits. So hail to the re-wearing.
NbyNW
Wear the same suit and shoes. Wear a new blouse/shell and different jewelry. You’ll be fine!
Talbots haul follow-up
I recently ordered a jacket-skirt-pants-dress from Talbots in their seasonless wool. I have liked Talbots in the past because they do offer lots of pieces that will all go together (Banana does in theory, but not often the full line-up like this and many, many sizes are often sold out). You have to order a lot these days, since many business pieces are online only.
Jacket: I went with the one-button since I prefer a shorter length. Lovely. It would have helped to have had the pieces in the store since the two sizes I ordered were both too big in the bust. So: going back, but with regrets.
Sleeveless sheath: Would have required some alterations (too wide under the armpits, easy to fix), but I didn’t really need it once the jacket didn’t fit.
Skirt: They had already sold out of my size (and just my size it seems; all others are in stock), so ordering around didn’t work.
Pants: Unlined! My skin is probably oversensitive to wool, but otherwise they were lovely and I would have kept them despite having no jacket if only they were lined. Hey Talbots: I hope you’re reading this!!!
Silk blouse: lovely, lovely. I got a small black graphic cube print that really works with all of my other clothes (mostly black or tan). Bigger than I expected, so reordered in two smaller sizes.
Overall: I wanted this to work so badly. I think they may have done a JCrew and gone more towards vanity sizing (6s usually fit me, but many just felt way too big on top, like swimming-in too big — maybe they are looking at a woman with a figure-8 figure?). Good quality. Very, very happy with the blouse (am sure one of the replacements will do the trick).
TCFKAG
If you’re looking for another alternative to the J-Crew, BR, Ann Taylor suiting…
I recently ordered a suit (jacket, dress, and pants) from Jones NY and found that the sizing was a little like Talbots (in other words, I’d order down) but with a slightly more modern cut than my Talbots suits. I would strongly recommend. (I believe the pants are lined, but don’t quote me on that – check before ordering.) I got them on a 50-60% off sale (or something like that) and got all three pieces for under $150. Unfortunately, the skirt was out of stock in my size or I would have gotten that as well. All in all, a big thumbs up. I’ve already worn the dress and jacket to a couple interviews and will wear the pants suit as well once I get my act together and get them hemmed a bit.
Kontraktor
(Sadly?) most of my clothes are from Talbots. Between the fact that I can fit in the skirts and pants off the rack and the generally decent quality of the clothes, I almost don’t like buying elsewhere. At least with Talbots, they still commonly use wools, silks, linings, thick materials with good construction. Their quality is superior in my mind to Ann Taylor, BR and even JCrew, whose materials just seem to be getting thinner and thinner (even though full price dresses will run $300+ in many cases, ugh). With the sale prices, you can get pretty good deals. I also like there isn’t a TON of turnover; if I see something one month, I can be fairly confident it will be around for a few months so I can watch the sale price. I feel at places like BR, they seem to get new stock constantly so it’s hard to follow an item for a long while and try to get it.
The downside is that sizing in some of the pieces can be erratic (sizes run the gamut for me in anything other than skirts and pants), and don’t get me started on their horribly inaccurate inventory system, slow shipping and lack of free shipping (even over a high minimum). Some of the styles also are a bit granny so you do have to be careful assessing fit.
Amy H.
I tried to order some of Talbots’ seasonless wool suiting 3 or 4 years ago, and had the exact same problem — I could not deal with the unlined trousers! Even though the jacket and pants both fit, and the fabric and color were lovely, back they all went.
I haven’t bothered trying again because it seems they don’t line ANY of their trousers now except possibly wool flannel (which is too heavy a weight for SF weather).
TCFKAG
I absolutely ADORE this shirt and this color is one of my favorites – but I’ve seen a *lot* of shirts in this style lately and even for silk, I still think this is a bit steep (I realize its still early in the week so the prices are high, but for this price I’d like it to be a bit more unique or refined, you know?)
I do like, however, that it’s not sheer. I’ve been seeing a lot of 100% silk blouses that are beautiful, but end up being sheer (I even own a couple – I think under a suit jacket that its fine for a day when I’m not having an important meeting or something.) But I’d love a couple of blouses like this, made in silk, that aren’t sheer. Maybe that explains the difference in the price?
Nonners
This! Why are career-wear blouses and shirts so sheer? I don’t get it. Layers are bearable during the winter, but come spring I want to wear light colors without the need for a cami or tank underneath. Always disappointing to find a gorgeous top that fits perfectly, only to realize that I can’t take my jacket off in public.
preg anon
Yeah, I agree the problem is light colors. I have a J. Crew sheer blouse that is navy with cream polka dots, and I think it looks fine with a solid tank under it (not cami – my tank has thick enough straps to hide my bra straps and does not have a deep neckline). I wear it without a jacket in the fall. I don’t think you would even really notice that it is sheer unless you really are looking.
Susedna
I think so many of those light colored blouses are sheer because their designers believe everything Lucky Magazine says about what’s appopriate for career dressing.
zora
take away their lucky magazines!!!!!!
cbackson
Yeah, BR carries a very, very similar style in silk for much less.
RR
I own either this shirt in a different color/pattern or something extremely similar. It’s a really nice piece. As with all Lafayette 148, the fabric is gorgeous. The fit is a little big through the middle, but I like that in a blouse so it works for me. It works beautifully under shirts and cardigans. Mine has a little hidden button right in the middle of that placket, so no wardrobe malfunction concerns. Not even remotely sheer. I actually paid full price for mine I loved it so much, so this seems like a steal. I may pull the trigger based upon my satisfaction with the other shirt.
s-non
As an aside TCFKAG (and everyone else who helped me shop for rings)! I am currently deciding between the Mimi Ring you posted from the Edward Owl etsy shop (that I would see if she could make for me with a garnet for a deeper color but I really like the style) and the David Yurman Wheaton ring in Garnet. My third option would be to get a less expensive gemstone ring that I found from Blue Nile and also get a simple silver DY ring (trying to figure out which I will want to wear for years). So many decision! Thank you again everyone for all your help!
Polished Pinstripes
LOVE the color on this blouse! And good to know that it’s not sheer. Does anyone know how low the placket on the collar opens, though? It’s always hard to tell from the model. I think it should be high enough to not show anything?
http://www.polishedpinstripes.com
RR
See my post above. I think I have this shirt in a black/white pattern (or an extremely similar one), and it has a hidden button mid-way up the placket, so it’s not too low at all or even in danger.
Anon
I like everything about this shirt EXCEPT the stupid pockets on the chest. Unnecessary, unflattering.
RR
I think I agree. The version I have doesn’t have the weird pockets.
Help!
I’m applying to a job as a second year associate. It’s for a job at a firm where I got a summer offer as a 2L, but ultimately couldn’t work there because it was a split summer, and there were scheduling conflicts (i.e. no hard feelings, it just didn’t work logistically). Anyway, the PERFECT job has been posted at that firm, and I want to apply. I have already talked to a recruiter and will be sending in my resume on Thursday. However, it dawned on me that I still have a few contacts at the firm from my summer interviews. Should I reach out to them instead of the recruiter? Or should I go through the recruiter exclusively? Or should I at least give them a heads up that I’m interested and am applying through a recruiter? The job is posted on the firm website, but they are also using a recruiting firm. HELP!!!
Anonymous
If your contacts are remotely related to the practice area where the job opening is located, then yes, definitely contact them to express your interest in addition to working with the recruiter. If your contacts are say, IP, and the job is tax, I’d probably contact them anyway if it’s a small office but not bother if it’s a large office/firm.
JJ
If you learned about this opportunity through the recruiter, I think it might be bad form to bypass the recruiter completely. I’d let the recruiter submit your resume and then let your contacts know that you’re interested, as well.
ac
This — and you don’t want to be in the middle of a turf war between your recruiter and your contacts.
Law Firm Recruiter
Unfortunately it’s too late to apply directly because it sounds like the head hunter is the one who told you about the opportunity. Like others said, you do not want to get in between the head hunter and the firm/your contacts. It can have very negative repercussions – everything from the firm deciding not to consider your application at all to the head hunter and firm getting into a fee dispute.
For future reference, you should always reach out through your contacts before applying through a head hunter. None of us ever appreciate paying the astronomical fees (25% of your salary) due to a head hunter but we really HATE paying them when you know someone at the firm and could have applied directly.
OP
Ugh well I saw the ad on the firm’s website, but I also saw a posting on a recruiting website. I reached out to the recruiter as a first point of contact to determine whether she thought I was qualified.
Now I literally have no idea what to do.
Anonymous
you have reached out to the recruiter and provided her your resume; you have to use the recruiter now. If you try an end-run around the recruiter, it could make it very hard for the firm to hire you depending on their contract with the recruiter. It’s just not worth the risk. In the future, I would consider just applying directly.
W/r/t your contacts, what is the relationship? are these attorneys you interviewed with for the summer position? If so, I doubt they remember you. Most attorneys interview dozens of summer canadates each year and we are now talking about three+ years ago. If you haven’t spoken to them in the mean time, I would not reach out. If you have a closer relationship (i.e. family friend, friend of a friend), I would reach out and note that you are applying through a recruiter. Otherwise, they will submit your resume and expect to get the referral fee that firms (often) have for employees. This would just create an additional burden/difficiulty with hiring you.
OP
I haven;t actually submitted the resume to the recruiter yet. I’m scheduled to do so on Thursday
Miss Behaved
Ladies, this morning I saw a woman (either still in college or just out) wearing formal shorts. It was at about 8 this morning here in the Boston area (19 degrees, 7 degrees with windchill). She was wearing sage green short wool shorts with cream-colored sweater tights and brown boots. I couldn’t see what the top half of her outfit was because she was wearing a jacket – no hat or gloves, though.
I honestly cannot figure out where she could possibly be going in this outfit. She was heading towards the T station, away from the university. And I passed her on a stretch of sidewalk that had not been shoveled.
Seriously, I don’t get formal shorts. I don’t understand the point of shorts that have to be dry-cleaned and ironed.
Talbots haul follow-up
I kind of get them, but not in Boston when it’s that cold and unshoveled. Here in the upper south where it’s in the 60s for a high today, maybe, if it’s 1989.
Cb
Yeah, I don’t get them. Maybe if you’re 18? Otherwise no.
Wildkitten
I think that young people with very fashionable lives can look awesome in formal shorts.
Susedna
Agree. I remember seeing Nina Dobrev (early 20-something actor) in formal shorts at some awards show or at some interview on late-night TV. It’s something that doesn’t fit into most lifestyles, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fit *anywhere*.
Separately, some people have amazing cold resistance.
Anon
How is it any different from a skirt and tights, other than being more fashion forward? You may not be able to wear it to your office, but that doesn’t make it inappropriate.
Susie
Just no on the shorts and tights! That’s like socks and sandals.
Anonymous
It’s an awesome look, this shorts and tights, and not in a “Mom-jeans/grandma” kind of way. Never will I stop wearing it, never! (European cities are actually full of young peeps “fashionably” wearing the same.) But, then again, I also wear leggings with short shirts. :)
Anon
Totally disagree. You can have shorts made out of wool, at a great length & wear with tights in the winter and look great.
TCFKAG
In addition to everything Miss Behaved mentioned, we’re also supposed to be getting 3-6 inches of snow today.
I am definitely on team “I don’t get formal shorts ever.” I just feel like if you’re going to any event that requires that you wear something with the word “formal” in it that shorts would not be appropriate (I realize they aren’t actually formal like “formal” formal – but even if we called them business casual shorts, I’d have the same problem.)
Ellie
The shorts of a short suit set I have seen so far are all so short that made me just thinking … if I wore a skirt of that length it would definitively not appropriate. Those shorts were all mini-skirt length, some were even shorter that you could mistake them for stretch wool made black underwear with pockets. I think it’s a fine look for several occasions. but in a full suit set I would find them weird for office.
Anon
I think it sounds cute.
Sadie
I think it sounds cute too. Just because she was heading away from the university doesn’t mean she was going to work. Maybe she was going to a shopping date with friends or something.
I wear formal shorts in Vegas all the time, with like a silk tank, bare legs and heeled summer dress sandals. It’s a lot more comfortable for going out than a skirt.
AIMS
Agreed. Wouldn’t wear that to work, but could totally see myself wearing s0mething very similar while I was in school (sadly, my non-work clothes are rarely that interesting nowadays).
Senior Attorney
I think it sounds cute, too. Maybe she was on her way to the airport for a vacatiom someplace warm. :)
Anon
Formal shorts don’t necessarily need to be dry cleaned or ironed, or at least mine don’t. They’re not much different than wearing a mini skirt and they’re not supposed to be part of an actual suit you’d wear to work…
Anonymous
I think the outfit sounds awesome and I would wear it (and probably have worn an approximation of the same). Obviously not to work, but I’d totally have worn it to class or to study or to go for a walk or…
abogada
The outfit sounds cute. Places I’d wear something similar:
-shopping
-out with friends (not somewhere that people are dressing formally, but anywhere that other people are wearing jeans)
-book club
-running errands or going to a doctor’s appointment
-hanging out at a library or coffee shop to read or work
-to the movies
Right now, I have formal shorts that I wear similarly in the summer, but the length is long enough (almost knee length) that I don’t like how they look with tight and boots. If there were a little shorter, I’d probably be wearing them in the winter with tights.
Also, if I worked in a casual office where other people wore jeans and sweatpants and yoga pants and pajama pants to work (my ex used to work at a company like this), I’d probably wear formal shorts and tights to work.
If I were still in school, I’d wear shorts and tights to class.
anonforthis
Ladies, not sure what I’m looking for- advice, commiseration maybe? I also expect to get some criticism but that’s okay. The issue is that my bf (who is great in almost every way) started following the SI swimsuit instagram account today (cue laughter). I know this because I often look at my “following” list to see what my friends are checking out- mostly to get the scoop on cute new baby animal accounts. Anyway, I saw this morning that he started following that account, and my emotions were roughly as follows: 40% disgust, 40% inadequacy, 20% guilt/shame for feeling those things. I already knew that he followed one swimsuit model’s account, but that was from before we started dating and while it bothered me a teensy bit, I barely thought about it. I guess there was something about him starting to follow this account while we are dating that just felt like a slap in the face. I think the guilt/shame factor comes from the fact that we, as women, are told not to be petty about these things, that they have nothing to do with us, and that if it bothers us, it’s because of our own insecurity and not because it’s insulting or offensive or inconsiderate on the part of our SOs.
The thing is, porn doesn’t really bother me. I don’t want to know about my bf’s porn habits, I don’t want to talk to him about it or share that with him… but knowing that he watches it doesn’t bother me. I watch it too, so that would be super hypocritical of me. And the point of watching porn (at least as far as I ‘m concerned) isn’t exactly to admire the bodies in it… it’s to get off on the sex act itself. Obviously many people prefer to watch attractive bodies performing, but again, it’s mostly focused on the sex.
On the other hand, this feels different in a way. And it bothers me that he would do it publicly- it’s one thing to just look up the pictures online, which would be SO easy to do- but to publicly follow this account just bothers me to no end. And the whole “but he finds you beautiful the way you are, he isn’t comparing you to these women” is BS. It just is. I find other men attractive, yes. And many of those men I find attractive are more “muscly” than my bf, and probably more women would find them objectively attractive than my bf. But I don’t go out of my way to look at pictures of “hot men.” It just doesn’t do much for me. Looking at pictures of “hot men” doesn’t make me want to water my own garden, so to speak… my bf does, porn does, but not just looking at random pictures of “hot men.” So it bothers me that this is so important to him that he feels the need to follow the account on instagram, despite the fact that I could easily see he’s doing it (and, indeed, will often be reminded of it since we sometimes look at instagram together to check out what our mutual friends are doing).
Any thoughts? I would never try to “forbid” my bf from doing anything. But this is really bothering me and it just seems wrong to tell myself that I shouldn’t feel this way.
Anon
I just can’t with this. Get a grip. You are a grown-ass woman in a relationship with a good man and you’re getting overwrought over Instagram?!? How would you feel if he decided you were filling him with disgust for publicly viewing other people’s babies and therefore implying he is inadequate because he hasn’t given you a baby.
If this is seriously a problem for you, cancel your Insta account. Back away from your own crazy.
anonforthis
Um, thanks, that was helpful.
I wanted to add for context that a few months ago I downloaded an app called Lulu on my phone because I thought it would be funny to see if any of my guy friends had been “reviewed.” Well, my bf saw it and was upset about it. He didn’t throw a fit or ask me to remove it, but he was clearly bothered by it and I removed it because I was sensitive to how he felt about it.
Is this really any different?
Anon
Look, find it helpful or not, but what he does on Insta really has no impact on your life unless you want it to.
And I think there is a massive distinction between looking at models and looking at actual people you know.
anonforthis
I guess I see the impact on my life as follows: in order for me to feel comfortable in the relationship, to want to be intimate (sexually or otherwise), I need to feel accepted, loved for who I am, not compared to some unattainable standard, etc. This is making it very difficult for me to feel that way.
anon
Or it isn’t healthy for a relationship for a boyfriend to see pictures of unattainable women all the time. It’s not like his base instinct when he’s looking at those is, “Well, yes, they look good, but they are paid to look good, and my girlfriend isn’t, so then I will think of her as meeting a different standard.” No. Those thoughts are not that rational.
AnotherAnon
If it’s not healthy for someone to see pictures of unattainable women, does that mean that her boyfriend shouldn’t be allowed to watch movies or tv, read magazines, browse the internet, etc? Of course not. I get that it might make the op feel weird, but if that’s the case then she should discuss these feelings with her boyfriend or therapist, if she’s not sure if she’s being overly sensitive about it or not.
anonforthis
also, your analogy is really flawed. we are not at the point where we’re discussing marriage or kids. but he CAN theoretically “give me a baby,” as you put it. whereas I will never look the way the women in those pictures look. Never.
Anon
Well then isn’t it awesome that someone else does? My boyfriend likes petite dark haired olive skinned women. I am tall, chubby, blonde, and pale. Him looking at models has no more impact on our relationship than me looking at Channing Tatum. It sounds to me like the problem is your insecurity that you can’t look like these women but you think you should. And I never think solving your insecurity by asking him to change works.
Anonymous
+1000
One more vote for “this is the OP’s issue.” I get that you’re upset, because we can’t necessarily control our feelings and insecurities, and it’s better to just feel them than deny them, but acting on this is kind of cray. What he’s doing is well within the range of normal male behavior. Millions of men read the SI Swimsuit edition, and it doesn’t make them like their own ladies any less. Just because you don’t like looking at other men doesn’t make his enjoying looking at other women wrong. Human sexuality is a quirky thing.
Also, please don’t forget that those ladies are airbrushed to all He-double-hockey-sticks.
Orangerie
+ 1,000,000. It sounds like you’re just projecting your own insecurities onto the situation.
If he were making comments to you about how he wishes you looked more like the women in the pictures, that would be a problem. He is clearly with you for a myriad of reasons, including finding you attractive. It’s not a crime for him to objectively find other people attractive as well.
TCFKAG
So – as probably many people on this site know – I have a tumblr account and regularly “reblog” men I find attractive (Tom Hiddleston, Chris Hemsworth, Matt Bomer, Idris Elba, you know…whomever.) My husband also has a tumblr account and I’m one of the few people he follows, so he obviously sees all this. He doesn’t reblog hot women, mostly because all of the blogs he follows are weird boring history blogs.
Here’s what I’m saying – being on the other side of this equation – I look at these men as purely aesthetic objects (yes – I’m objectifying them – just as your husband is objectifying the SI models probably). They are so far removed from any sense of romantic relationship that I barely associate them with the relationship I have with my husband. (Beyond him sometimes jokingly saying “yes honey, if you ever have a chance with Tom Hiddleston, you can totally go for it.)
I guess what I’m saying is – you are going to be a LOT happier in life if you can approach this situation with a sense of humor (i.e. “good luck with that buddy”) rather than viewing these distant, entirely unobtainable women as some kind of threat. Because, while yes – your husband probably does find these women objectively more beautiful than you (and more beautiful than probably anyone who reads this blog) – he’s married to you because of a myriad of reasons. One of them is that he *also* finds you beautiful (in addition to probably finding you smart and funny and cool and fun to be around and whatever else he likes about you.) Like, I can find Tom Hiddleston super attractive but I can also find some random guy at a bar attractive – just less so. It doesn’t mean the guy at the bar isn’t attractive, it just means I’m comparing him to a super-human. Its like saying that people who finish 5th at the National Championships aren’t good swimmers because they don’t make it to the Olympics and win gold. They are still good swimmers, just not AS good.
Does any of this make sense or help at all? I don’t know. But that’s how my husband and I approach a similar situation in our relationship.
Bewitched
I think this is the best reply yet. Those women ARE beautiful. I looked at the Kate Upton photo several times last year and I’m not remotely into women. As far as him being able to just look at the website, that’s true, but how do you know that he was aware that the Instagram thing would bother you? He may have thought-she wouldn’t care if I looked at the website, and this is just easier. You could ask him to delete the feed and he probably would, but I agree with TCFKAG that it’s totally harmless so why ask him to? I think better that we all recognize that there are certain people in the world that are willing to completely change their entire lives (food, exercise, the drinks they consume etc) to look that good-but it’s not realistic for the majority of us.
NOLA
I’m not sure how to answer this but I’ll give it a shot. My SO loves my body and constantly tells me how beautiful and sexy I am (even when I don’t feel that way). But he also loves women’s bodies in general. I once bought him the book of SI swimsuit photos that were actually body paint and not clothing – because he was raving about it. And he loved it. He does occasionally comment about how a woman “has a great figure” (he’s older so that’s how he describes it) and I occasionally ask him, when he’s raving about another woman’s figure, how he describes me, because I wonder. The one time I heard how he had described me to another man (who had not met me), he said I was “built like a brick sh!thouse.” I said something to a male friend about that and he said, “well, you are!” I find it amusing.
Don’t get me wrong – porn can get in the way of real relationships but I don’t think the SI pictures are porn. Most women don’t look at hot men like men look at hot women. I sure don’t. But I appreciate the fact that he appreciates women – and especially me. I hope this helps. Not sure if I’m making sense.
Silvercurls
After reading everyone’s responses I’m posting here because, NOLA, two of your comments helped me crystallize my thoughts: your own opinion that SI is not porn; and your explanation that your SO uses the old-fashioned phrase “a great figure” because he is older himself.
I appreciate your distinction between SI and porn. It’s like the difference between classic and common junk food. The former is neither especially nutritious nor enormously damaging in small amounts; the latter—an unholy blend of salt, hydrogenated or animal fat, high-fructose corn syrup, and/or refined grains grown from genetically modified organisms—inflicts indigestion immediately and complete health breakdown if steadily absorbed in large quantities over time.
Your SO seems to appreciate women’s bodies the way a gourmet or a serious cook would indulge in onion rings or homemade frosted brownies: by taking the ingredients seriously even if they are being used, on this occasion, for something more frivolous than nourishing. Contrast this with the food equivalent of porn: a quick fix for a present-tense craving but (to my mind) insubstantial for a longer journey, e.g., generic-brand, shelf-stable dried beef strips or cream-filled, frosted, lasts-for-years-if-not-unwrapped cupcakes.
My own objection to porn is that it takes something serious (the human desire for connection) and reduces it, to, well, frosted cupcakes with a side order of complete disdain for the well-being of the people involved. The more one watches, the more one’s spiritual empathy gets eroded. Like the word choice of NOLA’s SO, my opinion originates in the values and experiences of previous generations. However, I’m not regurgitating 1970s feminist doctrine (“porn is the patriarchy oppressing women!”) or pre-sexual revolution customs (“save it for marriage and even then, don’t enjoy yourself!”). I’m saying that it’s a slippery slope out there. The best way to keep from falling down—and getting hurt, or hurting someone else—is be clearly aware of our own values and limits before we start climbing around. I’m fully aware that not everybody will agree, and that I can’t enforce my opinion beyond my own choices and reactions.
For some people, the limits will include a strong preference or outright requirement that they and their significant others avoid SI or porn or both. (Similarly, some serious cooks prevent their families from ingesting either homemade brownies or a large serving of potato chips 30 minutes before dinner.)
TL;DR: The OP is who she is and she feels what she feels. There may be more or less effective ways to communicate this to her SO, but she doesn’t need to force herself to change her opinions or reactions. Period.
OP, I assume that at some point you’ll say to your SO, “When you do X I feel Y,” and, as Carolyn Hax says, see where the conversation goes next. In the words of Maya Angelou, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” In my own words: Life and people are complicated. Ideally, we all do our best to navigate the nuances with compassion.
anonforthis
thanks for this :)
anon
That would for sure bother me, but then so would p*rn. I’m not really sure I see the distinction.
TBK
Talk to him and tell him what you’ve said here. Admit that it’s maybe a little irrational. Explain that you’re okay with porn and with him looking at photos, but that there’s something here that’s bothering you. Introduce it not in a “stop this right now!” kind of way, but in a “this is bothering me and I’m trying to figure out why — will you talk it through with me?” kind of way. As for looking at photos of hot people, I do think that most women and men are just wired differently. My husband has told me that he’ll just see a random hot girl out walking in the street or on Metro and might later think of her when he’s having his own private garden party. He was surprised that I never think of random guys that way. I think most women are more turned on by situations (which is why most people who read erotica are women) while most men are turned on by images (which is why most people who look at pornographic images — not videos, but just photos — are men).
JJ
Second this advice. Just talk to him. If you’re uncomfortable talking about this with him, that’s a bigger issue that you need to address.
anonforthis
that makes sense, TBK, as far as what men are turned on by vs. women. And I think I knew that in theory. It just bothers me that he would do something I could easily see that could make me feel shitty about myself. Is it so hard to just click onto the website when he wants to look at those pictures? Maybe I am insecure, as other commenters have pointed out. But I think he’s being insensitive as well.
JJ
But does he KNOW that following this account makes you feel bad? Have you told him that? It sounds like you’re assuming that he’s insensitive when he may not even know that he’s done something that hurts you.
January
I think maybe you want to avoid the “I’m right and you’re WRONG WRONG WRONG, you jerk!” approach and just talk to him. He may not have realized when he followed the account that you would take it as a slap in the face. He may very well be content to look at the website without your knowing about it (I’m assuming this is an acceptable compromise?)
We all have our things. If he’s a good partner, he should be able to deal with yours. Just talk to him.
TBK
I agree. I’d also add that if you talk to him, you might find out (you will almost certainly find out) that your boyfriend thinks you offer a lot more than just your looks. I’m 99% sure that you’re not physically as hot as the swimsuit model photos. But clearly most people don’t choose their SOs based on looks alone. My husband has a thing for a certain TV actress. He thinks she’s gorgeous. I would be surprised if he thought I was as physically gorgeous as she is. But if he had his choice between being married to me and being married to her, he’d pick me in a heartbeat. He first started talking to me when we met because he thought I was pretty. But he kept talking to me and then asked for dates and eventually gave me a ring because of my sense of humor, intelligence, skill in the bedroom, respect and affection for his family, ability to challenge him when he needs a kick in the pants, empathy when he’s had a rough day, etc. And now, when I look like a whale and have crazy stretch marks on my belly and can’t move without looking like a stranded turtle, he loves me even more because we’re going to be parents together. And thinks I’m beautiful in a way totally different from the way he thinks the TV actress is beautiful. Maybe your boyfriend knows all the reasons he loves you and why he thinks you’re far more beautiful than the models because of everything he knows about you and everything you’ve experienced together, but you just need him to put that in words, which is totally okay. Just don’t assume your worth is only your looks (and don’t blame media etc. for making you think that — you bear some responsibility for realizing what’s just fantasy, e.g., swimsuit models).
Senior Attorney
Look, can we step back a minute and entertain the possibility that he never in a million years linked “subscribing to the SI instagram feed” to “making my girlfriend feel shitty about herself?” Especially if he knows you are okay with him watching porn, I think it’s a pretty big leap to “he’s being insensitive” here.
Really truly I think the best course of action here is to work on not feeling shitty about the fact that there are professional models in the world and that guys like to look at them, rather than making this a Big Ol Thing in your relationship.
anonforthis
that makes sense, as far as what men are turned on by vs. women. And I think I knew that in theory. It just bothers me that he would do something I could easily see that could make me feel shitty about myself. Is it so hard to just click onto the website when he wants to look at those pictures? Maybe I am insecure, as other commenters have pointed out. But I think he’s being insensitive as well.
Anon
Seriously? He has no idea that this would make you feel this way. His actions do not have anything to do with you. There is no way he could anticipate this kind of reaction because it’s really sort of out there. Men are attracted to swimsuit models. It’s why this swimsuit issue exists. He’s a sexual being. Be grateful for that. I suggest you really think about where your “line” truly is. If he’s breaking the rules by looking at women in swimsuits, you are probably putting him an untenable position.
WestCoast Lawyer
+1 Men (most of them at least) don’t spend hundreds of dollars on beauty products and hours reading magazines and blogs about how to lose 10 pounds, get our hair to be straighter/thicker/curlier, etc. I don’t think it even occurs to them that there is a connection between looking at totally unattainable fantasy images and our self-esteem. In fact, I imagine they would be a bit confused by this since women’s magazines (Self, Glamour, whatever you read) typically show pretty similar images – I know, you are going to try to make a distinction, but to a guy they are all minimally clad skinny women with great hair.
Maybe the analogies to guys checking out hot actors are not totally apt, because women aren’t usually as visual as men and most of the women I know don’t spend that much time looking at pictures of scantily clad men, but what about the hopeless romantic comedy if that’s your thing? Would you expect your bf to feel like by watching those with him you are setting a standard he can never live up to?
Anonymous
No.. he is not. This is seriously crazy. There is no “maybe” you are insecure.
Anita
I sometimes think of other men I’ve seen during sexual situations. It has nothing to do with my attraction or lack thereof to my husband. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Anony
When Will and Kate got married, I was a little sad. Because that meant I couldn’t marry Will and be a princess.
Oh yeah, at the time I had been married for 4 years to my wonderful husband. And I had never been to the UK.
To quote Anita above “It has nothing to do with my attraction or lack thereof to my husband.” Just wanted to throw that out there, too.
January
I think TBK’s advice is the way to go. Forcing yourself to “get over it” is not going to work.
I haven’t been in a long-term relationship, so I have no idea how I would actually react if presented with this situation, but I think both that you are being too hard on yourself (for having feelings) and that you are taking his interest in the SI swimsuit issue too personally. I think it’s totally plausible that he’s following this Instagram account because he wants to look at the pictures, and not because he finds you inadequate in some way. But you may have to bring up with him that this bothers you to get any resolution. Good luck.
eek
Girl, I have to say: just take a step back and be rational. He’s with you and he’s into you. But he likes to look at pretty people. And that’s ok. Those women are PAID TO LOOK GOOD. THEIR JOB IS TO LOOK GOOD. It doesn’t mean you’re inadequate. It doesn’t mean that bf isn’t into you. Is it tasteless and tacky in a sense to do that publicly? Yes. But he’s a guy. Let it go!!!
Although I will tell you–obviously mention it to him if it bothers you that much. But also remember that it will sound a little cray cray. You need to look deeper at your insecurities with yourself and with the relationship. To me this is definitely signaling something deeper.
Anonymous
+100000.
Talbots haul follow-up
And with photoshopping and sans makeup, the models probably do not look like the models.
anon1
But the point is, that’s not what he’s thinking. He’s thinking of how hot those women look, and then he’s looking at his girlfriend, who doesn’t look like that.
anonforthis
yes, exactly. to put it in super gendered terms: how would my bf feel if I subscribed to a magazine that was all about hot men who made tons of money and were really well-endowed?
Talbots haul follow-up
I think that that’s called being a Lifetime Movie Channel addict. And it is fiction. If you like it, have at it. But if a guy told you not to b/c it made him feel inadequate, what would you do?
Lordy — we are tied to screens at work and then they bring us so much misery in the free time that we have left.
cbackson
Honestly, lots of women read romance novels starring heroes that are hotter, better-endowed, smarter, richer, and more emotionally supportive than their husbands are. That’s often a significantly higher degree of emotional engagement than is a few minutes looking at a swimsuit model, and the object of the attention is just as unattainable/nonexistent (because, as noted above, your boyfriend is never going to have a shot with a SI swimsuit model, and in real, pre-photoshop life, an SI swimsuit model doesn’t look like she does in the magazine).
If my SO ever told me that my reading habits made him feel bad because he’s not a six-two, ripped, brooding reclusive duke who was a hero in the Peninsular campaign but has now retired to his vast estates to engage in scientific research and anachronistically progressive land reform efforts, I would feel like this was mostly a him issue, not a me issue.
TBK
“because he’s not a six-two, ripped, brooding reclusive duke who was a hero in the Peninsular campaign but has now retired to his vast estates to engage in scientific research and anachronistically progressive land reform efforts, I would feel like this was mostly a him issue, not a me issue.”
cbackson, you win. This is awesome. I think “anachronistically progressive land reform efforts” might be my favorite quote of the day.
AIMS
I was going to stay away from this one, but cbackson, you totally pulled me in with the brooding, reclusive duke — I can never resist a duke!
And seriously, my watching Magic Mike no more impacts how I view my SO than him picking up a SI issue impacts how he views me.
RR
Slow clap for you cbackson.
Baconpancakes
cbackson, can you recommend any specific romantic fiction? Because I, too, would love to read about a six-two, ripped, brooding reclusive duke who was a hero in the Peninsular campaign but has now retired to his vast estates to engage in scientific research and anachronistically progressive land reform efforts.
MU JD
cbackson FTW!!!
anon
There is a lot of judgment going on here. I think the OP is perfectly rational in feeling the way she does – not cray cray. My husband doesn’t look at this type of stuff, and I wouldn’t want him to. I get that different relationships are different, but that doesn’t mean you should just this woman for not wanting this type of thing. I mean, seriously. This group can be so accepting of so many things, and this is the one you judge for???
I do not think it is healthy for your husband to look at unattainable women all the time. I just don’t. Sure, my husband sees swimsuit models incidentally, but I would not want him bombarded with women who have flat abs, etc., even if it is their job. That is irrelevant to me.
Anon
I agree with this. Different relationships for different people. I wouldn’t be bothered by the SI model thing as long as it was a part of a wide range of interests. My husband likes attractive female atheletes over models but he doesn’t comment on it in my presence (electronically or not) because he doesn’t think it’s respectful to me (I’ve never complained about it). He think shows like Matchmaker Millionaire are degrading to women whereas I love some junky tv. I hate the propogation of the idea that all men love p*rn and talk about hot models and stare at random women – it’s not true.
OP needs to figure out what she’s comfortable with in the context of her relationship. If it’s not what the BF is comfortable with, then maybe he isn’t the right fit. Different relationships for different people.
Susedna
+1000
“Different relationships for different people.” OP, know that blowing it out of proportion will not help, but succumbing to the pressure to be the “cool gf” and mindf-ck yourself into not being bothered by something that truly bothers you is also not helpful. There really is a middle path for most things, and this is one of them.
hoola hoopa
+ another 1000. “Different relationships for different people.”
FWIW, I’ve never been comfortable with it and I got the same harsh response from other women when I’d bring it up. It was an issue with a previous relationship and now I’m in a relationship with a man who feels the same way.
I also second anonymama regarding approaching it with him.
anonymama
Yes, the OP should definitely bring it up with her husband if she is that uncomfortable with it. But she should also realize that it is pretty normal and that many women are not bothered by it, and approach it within that context, rather than in the context that he should have known, and he is purposefully doing something hurtful to her.
Because, realistically, he already is “looking at unattainable women all the time.” The girls in yoga pants walking down the street, women at the gym, maybe coworkers or the girl at the coffee place, not to mention the advertisements every time he checks the sports scores on SI or ESPN. He already sees women who you think are more beautiful than you all the time, everywhere. But I see it more as if you were looking at pictures of adorable perfect puppy dogs, or babies, all the time… would that mean in any way that you go home to your own adorable dog, or baby, and think it is less adorable or lovable? Even if it is not always (or ever) as perfect as the puppy in the picture?
It does seem that what bothers you the most is that he is doing it out in the open, sort of “in front of you,” at least virtually. It’s totally fair to let him know that, if it makes you feel in some way like he is checking out other girls while you are right there next to him. And seems like it would be a pretty reasonable request for you to make of him (that he have it hidden so you don’t have to see/think about this part of his viewing habits).
PolyD
I kind of agree to tell him it makes you uncomfortable, but be prepared to discuss why. I myself enjoy looking at the SI swimsuit issue, and I’m no swimsuit model! They are beautiful women on beautiful beaches, but they’re not really “real.” So much effort and photoshopping has gone into those pictures (seriously, just watch America’s Next Top Model sometime to really see the miracle of Photoshop!). Plus, as others have said, it’s their job to look that good. And your BF may not be comparing them to you in a bad way, or at all! There have been many times where my boyfriend has shown me a picture of a woman in an ad and said, Gee, your legs look like hers/are better than hers. He may be a bit delusional, but I think that’s part of being in a good relationship – you see the beauty in the other person.
This may make you feel even more insecure, but remember that cheating does not always involve a “hot” other. I hate to bring up Bill Clinton, but the women he cheated with (or was accused of cheating with) were certainly not swimsuit models!
So talk about it with him, but also work on yourself, for yourself. You will be much happier when you accept that you are beautiful and enough and pictures of other beautiful womenare no threat to you.
PolyD
I kind of agree to tell him it makes you uncomfortable, but be prepared to discuss why. I myself enjoy looking at the SI swimsuit issue, and I’m no swimsuit model! They are beautiful women on beautiful beaches, but they’re not really “real.” So much effort and photoshopping has gone into those pictures (seriously, just watch America’s Next Top Model sometime to really see the miracle of Photoshop!). Plus, as others have said, it’s their job to look that good. And your BF may not be comparing them to you in a bad way, or at all! There have been many times where my boyfriend has shown me a picture of a woman in an ad and said, Gee, your legs look like hers/are better than hers. He may be a bit delusional, but I think that’s part of being in a good relationship – you see the beauty in the other person.
This may make you feel even more insecure, but remember that cheating does not always involve a “hot” other. I hate to bring up Bill Clinton, but the women he cheated with (or was accused of cheating with) were certainly not swimsuit models!
So talk about it with him, but also work on yourself, for yourself. You will be much happier when you accept that you are beautiful and enough and pictures of other beautiful women are no threat to you.
Miz Swizz
I had to bust out my phone and check out the SI instagram account before I weighed in on this and I didn’t find it terribly objectionable. It’s not terribly different than the magazine itself. So I must ask, would you be mad/hurt if he bought the magazine?
You are absolutely entitled to your feelings and if it bothers you this much, you should say something to your bf. But before you do, I think you need to explore what specifically bothers you about him following this account so you can articulate it to him.
anonforthis
yes, a magazine subscription would bother me equally because it is something I would see around the house. it isn’t private, like his porn-viewing habits, whatever they are.
it bothers me because it’s not even attempting to hide that what gets him off is a standard i can never meet. that doesn’t make me feel comfortable or loved in the relationship.
Anon
It would make you feel more comfortable and loved for him to have a rich secret porn life than to see a swimsuit issue in the house? Yup. Definitely not his problem. Does he have sex with you? Does he seem to enjoy it? Then what gets him off is a real live naked girl on his bed, one he knows and loves for so much more than her body.
TCFKAG
But presumably (hopefully) you ALSO get him off. And I really, really hope that just seeing a picture of a model in a swimsuit doesn’t get him off like, right away, because if he looks at it at work that would be super awkward.
You are the woman he is with. The woman that he loves. The woman who ACTUALLY gets him off. Him sometimes looking at pictures of pretty ladies doesn’t change that in the slightest.
But I guess I also agree with the many commenters who have said that you should talk to him about this. But I would emphasize the effects it has on YOUR self-esteem during the conversation (use I statements as much as possible) – I think that’s the path most likely to lead to a healthy conversation. If you just go right in with “I can’t believe you’re looking at women in swim suits in a forum where I can see” – I don’t think you’re going to get the same result.
Anon
And to add to TCFKAG, my SO routinely tells me how physically attractive I am. But he also tells me how awesome my brain is, how much he loves my cooking, how I’m a good, considerate person, etc etc. There are a LOT of reasons that he’s with me, not just that he’s physically attracted to me. And sure, no doubt, he finds some SI models and other women physically attractive, and I wouldn’t expect him to pretend that I’m the only physically attractive woman in the world (bwhahahahahah ahahah hilarious, not a chance), but I know that I’m the total package for him.
anon-oh-no
why are his porn-view habits private? do you mean just when he’s partying by himself? because you said you watch it from time to time. so why not watch it with him? and why all the need for secrecy?
Ellie
Kind of, I can understand your situation and I would not brand this as totally irrational. I was in a similar situation once, but reversed. I’ll be honest – I’m a hobbyist artist, and Art is really important to me and my life. I draw and paint men, those that fit my artistic vision of what I appreciate about the male body. My drawings are very “detailed”, though not explicit. Though I do separate Art and life, I won’t deny my Art shapes my view of real men I meet in my life. Years ago, a guy who tried to date me told me he wanted to call it off because my paintings and how I do them really bothers him, that he feels ugly compared to the people in my Art and he will never look like them. While I wasn’t really into him and if not for my paintings we two would never have gotten together – it is true nonetheless: this is something that some people would feel uncomfortable about and I was completely oblivious of it at the beginning. I’m not comparing you to the guy I met once but I just wanted to point out that before that experience, I would never have thought this could happen, that someone could be bothered that you like to look at pictures of human bodies you find attractive yourself.
I think the advice given by someone above is really spot on – if you feel uncomfortable about that, you should talk about that in a non-confrontational way. Like I was years ago, your BF is probably not even aware of your discomfort.
New Atty
I dated a boy that knew one of the models on the most recent issue. I can attest that in person she is absolutely gorgeous and very sweet. (I find the fact that I have met some of these people makes it such that it’s harder to hate/snark on them, if this helps you.) But I never felt threatened by the fact that he actually knew a model, because here was a boy that could actually date a model (theoretically as he knew her) and didn’t. And no, I don’t look like a model or like her. Fact is, some guys can think something is beautiful but not want that for their lives. Unless you think that he is always comparing you and saying he wished you looked like a model, I don’t think this is as problematic as it seems. There are a million reasons to date people, looks are but one, no? I have met some men that are gorgeous or very rich, it doesn’t mean that I’m disappointed I’m not dating them and that each boyfriend isn’t as good as a model. I love all types of artwork, but that doesn’t mean that I want all types of art work in my house. (In fact, some of the art I have in my house is not even the type of art I see when I visit the museum.) Be glad that he is dating you for many reasons (looks presumably being one of them), because if it were just about looks, then I’m not sure I’d want someone who valued only that. After all, looks will always, always, always fade, that’s why he doesn’t date these girls but looks at photos frozen in time. A real live girlfriend, though, will become smarter, more loving, more charming, more everything amazing in real life. THAT’S the point.
CKB
+1 “some guys can think something is beautiful but not want that for their lives”
There are lots of things that this qualifies for me too. Like all the beautiful pictures of desserts out there. I LOVE dessert, but I know if I eat too much it makes me sick, and I don’t want to weigh the pounds & pounds more I would weigh if I ate all the desserts all the time. And it would probably get expensive. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy looking at the pictures. Food porn. And then I go home and eat a Fudgee-O. Looking at amazing pastry photographs does not prevent me from enjoying my Fudgee-O.
Emmabean
Oh my gosh this seems all kinds of crazy! And very immature. You really need to pick your battles and save it for something that actually matters! First I would suggest that you do not take this personally. It was in no way an attack on you. He definitely did not think about how you would feel when he pushed the follow button.
I try to reverse things and put myself in his shoes before I decide I’m upset about something and going to make a stand about it. I would like to be able to follow any Insta or FB page I want, so I would afford him the same. And for the record, that app thing you downloaded sounds much worse than simply following an insta account. I’d be mad if my husband downloaded that, don’t care about insta accounts.
locomotive
Apparently this is a very polarizing question! OP, personally, I would feel uncomfortable like you, and my feelings would probably be a little bit hurt. But I agree that it’s not a big deal and well within the context of normal behavior that isn’t meant to be hurtful, and I also check out dudes of the opposite sex, etc. I think if I were in your situation, the main thing would be that it would be a public thing that I would see (e.g. you see if your friends on instagram like things). A similar situation would be that I totally understand and accept that my bf checks out other ladies (as I check out other dudes occasionally), BUT it it makes me feel bad if he is obviously checking out other ladies in front of me and making comments. So it’s the sort of thing where personally, I feel like it’s more respectful of your partner if you don’t do it in a public/obvious way, but it is a very harmless thing.
That being said – I also agree that people have different levels of what they’re comfortable with and that’s all okay. I think it’s ridiculous that you are being attacked and called ‘crazy’ for this discomfort – you are NOT CRAZY. It’s not like you freaked out at him about this- it is something that makes you uncomfortable and you are trying to figure out why that is. That’s totally okay. If you do talk about it with him, continue to do it in a calm, logical fashion and acknowledge that it is how you reacted emotionally and you are trying to figure it out. Having emotions is not a bad thing. Acting without thinking about why you are having them can lead to really volatile relationships – but it’s okay that you feel certain things!
Silvercurls
Yes, this topic gives some of us much to ponder.
Wildkitten
This is a solid rebuttal of the Princeton Mom column that was going around last week: http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/02/princeton-mom-vs-the-facts/283880/
pickle
Love it! And thankful every day that I didn’t marry my college boyfriend.
espresso bean
Great article… and then I made the mistake of reading the comments. Note to self: NEVER read the comments on an article about women or marriage.
Baconpancakes
The Atlantic rebuttal is solid and factual, but the Washington Post blog is hilarious: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2014/02/14/extra-straight-talk-for-single-ladies-on-valentines-day/
Botox in DC
So, I’m in the DC area and am thinking of getting Botox–in the forehead, where I have been starting to get lines for the last few years. I’m 30. I can’t really afford huge outlays, but I’m hoping that a few units in the forehead every 6 months might make a bit of a difference. Anyway, I was wondering:
(1) Is where I get Botox important? I don’t have a regular dermatologist, and I’m curious as to whether it’s a simple, standard-procedure type thing that I can just get a Groupon and go somewhere, or if I should look for someone “good” through recommendations, etc.
(2) And if there is variation as to quality, any recommendations in the DC area?
Anon
Think I am going to make the jump too. How much should it cost?
Wildkitten
I like Todd Perkins M.D. in DC. I haven’t gotten botox yet, but I’ll go to him for it when I do. I was quoted $300 every 6 months for forehead botox, though I assume it may differ per person depending on what you want done.
Romey
I have posted questions about botox before, and funny I was just googling it this morning. I made a consultation appointment at my derm’s office. From the little research I have done, and also just for my own peace of mind, I would only go to a derm or a plastic surgeon – NOT a medical spa or a nurse. At my derm’s office, the nurses/assistants aren’t even allowed to administer the botox, only the dermatologist. I am 30, have a wrinkle in my forehead and also between my eyebrows. When I talked to my derm about this before (maybe 8 months ago) she said it would be $240. Not bad! I mean that is less than getting a facial every month for 6 months.
For ladies who have gotten it – does it get rid of existing wrinkles?
Anon
How do you tell the difference between an unwinnable situation or a situation where you’ve been set up to fail, and failing just because you didn’t handle it the best way and another person could have been successful? My current job is one where my biggest project just seems impossible to me. I haven’t been given the resources I need. My attempts to use creative channels to get those resources or information have failed. The project is seriously behind the timeline, and isn’t turning out as well as it should. I feel like I can see what it would look like if it had been done properly, but I can’t see how I could have made that happen given the roadblocks I’ve encountered. I also can’t see any way around these roadblocks that I haven’t already tried. But then I worry that I’m going too easy on myself by blaming the situation when the truth is that I just failed at this and there were solutions I just didn’t see. How do I tell the difference?
Susedna
This sounds like an awful situation. Do you have any mentors or more senior colleagues you trust? Perhaps they can see a solution you don’t see.
Also, what is going on with your manager? S/he sounds incredibly …absent from all of this. S/he should be aware of what’s happening, trying to help by offering resources and guidance, and if worse comes to worst, shielding you from as much fallout as possible.
Anon
Don’t get me started on management. It’s one of the most disfunctional offices I’ve ever seen. My own supervisor has no understanding of what I do and has terrible people skills. I avoid involving her because she just alienates everyone and makes my job even more difficult. The boss above her simply doesn’t want to know about problems. She only ever wants to hear good news. She also will make something a “priority” for the whole division, but will only hold one person accountable for completing that even if that person needs other team members’ expertise to complete the project and those other team members are unwilling to help because they won’t get any credit for helping and also won’t get in any trouble for not helping. I have no authority to make anyone do anything, but can’t finish my work without input from others, and others are unwilling to help because it would mean delaying their own work. So there’s zero incentive for them to give me the information and expertise I need (I have tried to do the work without them and I simply don’t have access to the data I need and am not allowed to have access to it, plus it requires some financial modeling skills I just don’t have and would require special training for me to learn). I feel like I’ve been set up to fail, but I also worry that’s just an excuse and I just didn’t work hard enough. But I can’t see what else I could have done. I just don’t want to be that person who blames everyone else for their own failures.
Susedna
Wow. You have my commiseration.
But…given your description that this scenario has happened before (manager’s manager makes a project a priority, assigns it to one person, etc.) I’m thinking, perhaps other priority projects have crashed and burned in the past.
If so, did any of those people assigned to the project get fired or demoted or anything meaningful? (Yes, I know it’s soul-sucking, but the immediate impacts are to the wallet and not to be understated.)
If all you’re going to get is a verbal beat-down for failing this project, but no firing or demotion in the near-term, then, at least you have a little more time to go find another job. This sounds terrible all around.
Anon
Would you wear this shirt tucked out to a business casual office? I hate tucking shirts in.
BB
Yes, the hem is finished and it doesn’t look freakishly long. I usually don’t tuck shirts because I’m short-waisted and it makes me looks dumpy.
CKB
I would if I were wearing it with pants, but i think I’d have to tuck if wearing it with a skirt. And ftr, I also hate tucking shirts in.
Girls Gone Mild
Hi, Any tips on being bi- sexual in the work place? So far I’ve just sort of treated my dating life like I would any other, ie only sharing relationships as they become serious and treating it matter-of-factly (oh my girlfriend and I ate at that restaurant last week, etc) and adopted the label of sexuality that I had at the time (in a long term relationship with a woman? Lesbian. In a long term relationship with a man, totally straight). This worked because I was for the last several years in a very serious long term relationship, that I thought was “the one”. Alas, it was not and I am now dating again and headed towards what(fingers crossed) could be a really good relationship with a person of the opposite gender as my last partner.
If this relationship gets serious enough that I would feel really weird NOT talking about this person on my life (ie have to lie by omission when talking s out weekends, holidays , etc), how do I best acknowledge this relationship? I really, really want to avoid any conversations about my sexuality in the work place. I am way past the need to discuss this for my own reasons and have absolutely zero desire to talk about my sexuality with my colleagues in an effort to help them through their whatever process. (Upon learning that I am bi I sometimes get questions like but how do you stay monogamous, who do you like sleeping with better, if you could like anyone, how do you know who to like?). I don’t mind answering these questions in a limited way in my personal life if they are asked genuinely, but have NO desire to get into ANY of these conversations at the work place.
I am tempted to just drop it into a convo with a friendly colleague one day and keep trucking. Any tips for making this go as perfunctorily as possible.
For context, I am in a major us city at a smallish firm practicing in a nice area. I have started to grow my own book of business and don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect to make partner in threeish years. I practice in a particularly male sub industry though so my colleagues skew older, so I am pretty distinct when I got to national conferences, etc.
I also have a rep for being kinda a tough person, so smart ass replies I can have in reserve totally welcome!
Also, one note, I really, genuinely like my colleagues and think they like me. So, I am not going into this thinking it will end terribly by any means or that they are in any ways “bad” people, I just want help making this potential transition as smooth as possible. TIA!
TCFKAG
I would treat it like you’ve treated your past relationships – just drop into conversation “my boyfriend/girlfriend and I did this this weekend.” And if anyone questions you about it, I’d simply say “I’m bisexual.” If you really don’t want to talk about it, keep your answers short and to the point and, I think importantly, act as though its entirely normal and you’re surprised that they’re surprised.
And if they ask inappropriate comments, I’d go with the ‘rette favorite of “Why do you ask?” Its a great way to shut down people who are being overly nosy or prying into your sex life.
TCFKAG
My comment is in moderation, but here’s what I said.
I would treat it like you’ve treated your past relationships – just drop into conversation “my boyfriend/girlfriend and I did this this weekend.” And if anyone questions you about it, I’d simply say “I’m bis*xual.” If you really don’t want to talk about it, keep your answers short and to the point and, I think importantly, act as though its entirely normal and you’re surprised that they’re surprised.
And if they ask inappropriate comments, I’d go with the favorite of this site “Why do you ask?” Its a great way to shut down people who are being overly nosy or prying into your s*x life.
TCFKAG
I would treat this just as you’ve treated past relationships – mention the person you’re dating casually in conversation and if anyone asks explicitly about why the person is of a different gender, say “I’m bixxxxxxx” in a very casual way. As though you’re surprised that they’re surprised. And for any prying questions, I’d go with the old stand-by “why do you ask?” Its the best for shutting down inappropriate lines of questions because it makes people actually THINK about what they’re saying.
(Sorry for the weird formatting, both of my last two questions got caught by the mod-bot
Anon
I would actually reply to “How do you stay monogamous?” with “Interesting question – how do YOU stay monogamous?” and then watch them stammer.
But I’m a b*tch.
Wildkitten
I cannot imagining anyone remotely professional thinking that is an okay question to ask in a workplace.
Girls Gone Mild
You would be surprised. I think (or I want to think ) that these questions come from a reasonable place of “oh, wow, here is this totally ‘normal’ seeming woman who I actually know, let me ask her this question I’ve always wondered” (sorta like your gay friend in the same vein as your black friend). But, ugh, I am not here to be your sassy gay friend, I am your colleague. Google those questions just like the rest of us do.
Senior Attorney
I think that might be a great response: “Uh, I’m not here to be your sassy bi friend. I am your colleague. Google those questions like the rest of us do.”
Or “I’m sorry, but my term as Bisexual Public Information Officer expired last month. So I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to help you with that.”
DC Wonkette
I’m all for being up front, but you can also default to the “partner” term and just leave it vague.
Sarabeth
So, I’m bisexual but have been in a relationship with my husband for six years now, so this doesn’t come up for me as much anymore. When it does, however, I usually don’t say “I’m bisexual” but rather “I date/dated/am interested in both men and women.” I can’t put my finger on why, but that phrasing has always seemed a bit more natural to me, and to invite less curiosity into my sex life. Maybe not bringing up the label makes people less likely to see me as the representative of all bisexual people?
Blonde Lawyer
I like this. It puts the emphasis on relationships as a whole, not just their sexual parts. The word “bisexual” automatically makes one think of “sexual” and sex. I think saying that you are interested in or date both men and women doesn’t make ones head shoot straight for the “sex” part.
roses
Exactly this. The reason that our orientations come up in the workplace at all is because it’s appropriate to talk about who you are in a relationship with, not who you are sexually attracted to or your sexual history. If the gender of your partner, either past or present, comes up in conversation, let it come up – and if someone has the audacity to say “but I thought you were [straight/gay]?!”, feel free to correct them and say you date both genders (or don’t care about the gender of your partner, if the case may be).
Anonymous
As someone who struggles to keep up with the personal lives of my (very well liked) coworkers, I can completely imagine myself wondering – and on a dense day even asking – this, and the “I date men and women” response is exactly what I would be looking for. I don’t want to question them about their sexual orientation; I just want to know which pronouns to use when referring to their partners.
PDXK
I’ve handled this the way TCFKAG has above. I’m in the firm queer affinity group, which means that there are plenty of times when I’ve dropped into conversation that I went to this or that Lambda event, and after my long-term male Ex and I split, I brought a woman to a firm event that I was dating for a while and just sort of…let it be? I haven’t felt the need to come out formally to most people, and it’s worked so far? I don’t treat it like it’s news/an issue and so far no one at work has either. Also, I’ve found that the “awkward bi questions” haven’t come up at work basically ever (it’s usually in a purely social setting that I run into those), but I may just be lucky.
The only awkward bit was after the aforementioned firm event having everyone be SO VERY WELCOMING about my ladydate. Partners called me specifically to tell me that they HOPED WE HAD A GOOD TIME and that she was SO LOVELY and we were SO CUTE, and it was a bit over the top, all things considered, but I think it came from a good place?
IT Chick in MN
I’d basically follow the advice given. When it is appropriate, mention the new person in your life. Offer no explanations. If someone feels obliged to ask you “is ‘Chris’ a woman?” or “is ‘Chris’ your partner?” cheerfully reply “Yes!”. Then move on. This is how I’ve handled being a lesbian in the Midwest for about fifteen years now.
For me, the key is that it is NOT a big deal, it isn’t anyone’s business to know more than that. If I refuse to make it a big deal, anyone trying to do so is going to look like a twit. :)
New Homeowner
Hi ladies, my husband and I recently purchased a condo! We are first time homeowners. We are closing in April. My question is……should I wait until closing to buy furniture, or should I wait until at least the appraisal is over? I don’t want to buy all new furniture and then God forbid the deal fall through, but since furniture can take a while to deliver, I also don’t want to be living in an empty house for 2 months. We are getting essentially all new furniture and also leaving furniture in our current apartment for our subletter.
Advice welcome and appreciated!
Dulcinea
Personally, I would buy just a few of the essentials and then live in the house before geting the rest…you need to get a sense of where the outlets are, which direction the doors open and how much clearance they need, what will fit where, how the sunlight comes in a different times of day, etc., to see how you will really use each space and what kind of pieces you really want.
New Homeowner
Definitely. My question was more along the lines of do you buy items for the new home BEFORE you close, the concern being what if the home doesn’t close for whatever reason. Would I be jumping the gun if I ordered a bed and couch prior to our close date?
TO Lawyer
I think so – I would be a little more cautious and would probably wait until it closed. However, I would definitely go shopping and decide on what couch/bed etc. you wanted so you can order it as soon as your condo closes. Have fun!
anon-oh-no
i didnt want to live in an empty house, so once we got through the initial inspection/atty review period, i went out and bought everything . . . . and it was all delivered and in place when we moved in. it was great.
this was also our second time buying. it probably would not have worked so well the first time — i.e., we used some rooms (and therefore furniture) way more than we thought we would and some way less. But i knew this going in to the second house.
Senior Attorney
I’m with Dulcinea. When I bought my first house I was so excited I ran out and bought a bunch of furniture before we even closed, and then when it was delivered it didn’t exactly fit the way I expected it to. I know it’s hard to wait, but you will have to live with that furniture for a long time and in the scheme of things a few weeks or even months is no big deal.
As for your other question, there are worse things than living in an empty house for two months, and one of them is being stuck with a bunch of furniture from a real estate deal gone bad. Get yourselves an air mattress and have fun camping out!
New Homeowner
Thank you ladies, I appreciate your advice!
Senior Attorney
And I forgot to say HEARTIEST CONGRATULATIONS!!! Buying your first home is a huge deal!!
New Homeowner
aw thank you Senior Attorney! My husband and I are thrilled. Just hoping that all goes well with the appraisal…
Anonymous
Wait until closing. It ain’t over ’til it’s over, and I’ve known many instances where closings are significantly delayed or fall apart altogether (for example, the current owner didn’t complete required repairs, had a change of heart, etc.).
It’ll be a paid having very little furniture for a while, but you could go ahead and shop now and just wait to pull the trigger until the keys are safely in your hands.
Blonde Lawyer
Yup. I had a delayed closing on the first home I purchased. The moving truck was already on its way with a bunch of my furniture when things got derailed. Luckily, since the sellers had already moved out and the issue was a technical legal document one, they gave us permission to have the furniture dropped off in their empty house even though we had not yet taken possession of it. If they hadn’t, we would have been totally screwed.
KLG
Same here. Our closing kept getting pushed back and then they required a second appraisal, etc. In our particular circumstances, it was no big deal, but we did end up closing about 2 months after we had anticipated doing so.
SoCalAtty
Seconded! Wait until closing. Anything can happen. Seller can get cold feet, a meteor can fall on the house…use your imagination. I’ve seen some absolutely crazy things happen right before closing, and IF (not that it will) something went south, you’d had to be stuck with a bunch of purchases.
Anon
Yes this!
One of my good friends was just in a situation where closing did not happen because the home burned down. Seriously. And the stupid owner had let her homeowner’s insurance expire so now she’s homeless, not getting a settlement and has nothing to sell. My friend is still in her house, hadn’t packed yet and hadn’t bought anything new. Just wait until closing is complete.
anon a mouse
Whatever you are buying, buy in cash. Do not put it on a credit card even if you plan to pay it in full, and DO NOT open a new credit account for the furniture. They will pull your credit again right before closing and if anything has changed, it could seriously hinder your ability to close.
Even better, shop as much as you want now, but wait until you have closed to buy anything (and double-check all your measurements).
roses
Sorry, but the first paragraph is not good advice at all. Unless buying furniture will cause you to pay your credit cards late, having a higher balance on your card with an otherwise good credit history will make almost no dent in your credit score. Your credit card gives you an extended warranty on your furniture, and you can use the company as leverage to dispute the charges if the furniture companies are uncooperative about replacing defective products.
But you do have a good point on #2 – best bet is to wait till closing.
Anonymous
However, they do consider your credit card payments in calculating your debt-to-income ratio. Buy on your credit card, but if you are close to the top end of your mortage limit, pay it off before the month closes so that you do not have a large payment due on your card.
New Homeowner
Good points roses and Anonymous. I asked our mortgage broker guy and he said that it would be fine if we did buy furniture and pay it off b/c we’re already in a good DTI ratio position. But in any case, I think the only thing we might buy before close (but after the appraisal) is a bed. We need a new bed anyways so God forbid something happen with this place, we’d just use the new bed anyways.
Dulcinea
Question about headband curls….. So I have been experimenting with curling my hari with headbqand cruls. I am going for soft, long, loose curls. Right now I have tight bouncy Shirley Temple style ringlets.
Last time I tried brushing the curls out the result was a massive frizzy mess (my coworker said I looked like Hermione Granger, which she meant as a compliment, but not the look I am going for!).
Today I didn’t brush but I tried taming them with some morroccan oil and John Fried cream, lightly combed through with my fingers. I like today’s result better than the frizzy mess but the curls are still too tight/bouncy and don’t look very natural.
Any tips welcome! I have long medium think hair, very slightly layered.
tesyaa
Have you tried setting your wet hair on very large rollers (not hot rollers), and leaving to dry?
Sadie
wider headband?
Curly Sue
(Accidentally hit report instead of reply — sorry!)
I’d go with a wider headband or a looser wrap of your hair around the headband. I’ve also tried starting the wrapping in the back and working toward your face (so the tighter curls are toward the back of your head instead of around your face). That takes some practice, but I found that to be a good way to tone down the LOOK AT MY PRECIOUS CURLS effect.
M
I am LOLing at the “LOOK AT MY PRECIOUS CURLS” effect – best. descritpion. ever.
momentarily anonymous
1. Wider headband
2. Don’t put your hair in the headband curls until it’s almost dry. I use headband curls for second-day hair, so my hair is already dry. I run some water in my hands, dampen my hair a bit, and then put my hair in the headbands. The effect is longer curls/loose waves.
Silvercurls
No advice re styling but I love your description of “medium think hair!” It’s a perfect description for when your mind is only functioning at a so-so level. :-)
hoola hoopa
Tell me more about this headband curl thing…
Hair Product Help
I have fine, curly hair and I’m really struggling with what styling products to use. So tired of wearing my hair up at work!
I have the Devacurl conditioner but I don’t like the gel. I was using an Oragnix (drugstore brand) weightless mouse but I can’t find it anywhere anymore so maybe it was discontinued? I find that suggestions for curly hair often focus on thick style hair and are too heavy for my hair. All style product/tools tips VERY MUCH appreciated.
Anonattorney
Matrix Biolage Hydro Foaming Styler, Medium Hold Mousse – you can get it off Amazon, or at Walgreens or Rite Aid
I put it in when my hair is very wet, scrunch up, and diffuse for about 10 minutes. My hair doesn’t end up crunchy at all. I love love love it.
JM
I like Mixed Chicks leave-in conditioner (which I apply to wet hair and then scrunch, as you would with a gel). Sometimes they sell it at Target, but you can also order it off Amazon. I find it’s lighter than the Devacurl gel.
I also like the Devacurl “set it free” mist. I put 5-6 spritzes in my palm, rub my hands together, and scrunch. I do this on dry hair mid-day to touch up when my curls are starting to frizz. I’ve used this on second-day hair too, and while the curls have usually fallen out to waves by the second day it makes my hair smoother overall.
M
I find mousse too light and gel too heavy so I use Kenra Curl Glaze Mousse – http://www.amazon.com/Kenra-Classic-Curl-Glaze-Mousse/dp/B00481PTDU
MJ
I have ringlets which are frizzy without products. I also have fine hair. I really like Tresemme Climate Control Mousse. It’s not crunchy at all but has great hold. It’s my favorite drugstore mousee by far. Try mousse for curly hair–stylists always want you to do gel, but you don’t have to. Also, if you want to try something really off the wall, try Kevin Murphy SuperGoop. It’s like rubber cement, but is magic on your hair. I love it, but it’s pricy and comes in a small container. Hope that helps!
TBK
Does anyone have a good method for organizing online passwords? I’m terrible and use the same one for multiple purposes, which I know I shouldn’t do. I feel like I could organize it all if it was just, say, bank account, credit card, gmail. But then you have all these sites that require passwords and often require very complex passwords even for things where I feel like “meh, there’s nothing I care about here so if someone hacked me it’s not a big deal”. I used to have one less-secure password I’d use for all the random sites, but now they all have different requirements (use at least one number, use one capital and one number, use three capitals and two numbers plus a symbol and it has to be 6-8 characters, use three capitals and two numbers plus a symbol but it has to be 9-12 characters). Mostly I wind up forgetting all of them and having to have passwords resent to me all the time. Is there a good way to handle this, use good infosec, and not have to request resets all the time?
Pink
So this may be a bit odd, but I keep the same 2-3 passwords for all my accounts and vary the security levels based on requirements/need. To keep track of them (at least the important ones, I use a codeword that only I would know to save it–sometimes the codeword recalls a name or a word in a foreign language, or number). I figure that unless the person really knows my past, what i’m thinking or all my secrets, they can’t crack the code since it could be any foreign language, any of my past and present “pets”, or any number that the code evokese.
Dulcinea
I think the real problem is not with people guessing your passwords, but with hackers using code cracking software to try a bunch of random combinations of letters/numbers.
The more complicated your password is, the lower odds that a password cracking software will guess it.
IE, there are only so many possible 8 character combinations of the 26 letters of the alphabet in the world, but there are way more potential combinations when you add in variables such as upper/lower case, numbers, and symbols. So one in a million vs. one in a billion, for example.
Tuesday
I use (and really like) LastPass, which is a password vault. It can generate random passwords for you, then you save them into LastPass and it auto-fills them for you, so you really don’t ever have to know them. Also, you can specify that it has to be between 6 and 8 characters long, contain at least one number but no special characters, or whatever other criteria sites demand.
There are a (very) few sites that don’t play well with LastPass, but you can always open your vault and copy/paste what you want.
You do have to have a very secure master password (mine is more than 20 characters).
I wrote out my master password and put it into the safe deposit box, so DH can get to it if he needs to.
Tuesday
Also, I record my answers to the “security” questions in LastPass. I usually give “wrong” answers, because all the things they ask are usually pretty easily discoverable. So, for “pet’s name” I might put 123456, and for “high school mascot” I might put “Fred”.
Tuesday
Also (last time, I promise) — congrats on keeping the babies cooking. I haven’t been around much lately, but I did notice your update.
Susedna
Here’s my method.
I keep a list of my acconts in a specific order: (example below)
Ebay
Vanguard
Alexisbittar.com
Ally
Then, I pick a song. I don’t write down the name of the song, and it’s one whose lyrics I know really well. For this example, let’s use: “O Little Town of Bethlehem”
O little town of Bethlehem —–> OltoB —> password for Ebay
How still we see thee lie ——> Hswstl –> password for Vanguard
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
etc.
I also substitute certain letters with numbers; it’s up to you to pick which letters you will know to sub with numbers.
When I need to change the password, I change to another easily remembered song.
Calico
I use KeePassX for this and am happy with it.
momentarily anonymous
This system. http://lifehacker.com/184773/geek-to-live–choose-and-remember-great-passwords
Blonde Lawyer
iphone app secret saver.
IT Chick in MN
I’ll second the recommendation for LastPass. I pay for the premium so I have access to all my passwords on my phone as well. They have made some good strides in usability in the last 6 months or so.
Sometime people will point out that they were hacked at one point. However, they store all your data encrypted, and it is encrypted before it leaves your computer or device. So yes, hackers got in, but they did not get anyone’s password.
I need to follow the example of Tuesday and put my master password in a safe deposit box.
Departing co-worker gift?
Anyone receive (or give) any great job departure gifts? I’m trying to find something appropriate for a co-worker who is leaving us for greener pastures (which is great–this isn’t a bad feelings kind of departure) and I’m in charge of the gift hunt for the office.
Everything I’ve found looks lame (clocks, glass engraved things) and I’m not sure what are nice, thoughtful things for someone who’s not retiring or into cheesy, overpriced, and unnecessary things. Departing co-worker is a early/mid-30s lady executive (wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve outed myself because she’s reading thissite). Thanks in advance for the wisdom of the hive.
Famouscait
I love paperweights. I received one from a job I left that is on my desk right now. Useful, thoughtful, and a nice reminder.
NYNY
When I left my last job, they gave me a silver bracelet from Tiffany. It wasn’t my taste, but I exchanged it for a necklace which I wear all the time and which often makes me think of my former colleagues.
hollis
wow, you guys are really generous. i never received a departing gift from anyplace i’ve worked, even though i’ve always left on good terms. i think a group lunch is nice and anything at all is just icing on the cake.
baseballfan
Something relatable to the job, if possible, is really nice. I left a job where my responsibilities basically involved global project management, and received a globe on a stand that rotates in sunlight (something about magnets within it that makes it work). It’s really cool and was engraged with my name, the firm name and years I worked there. I have it on my desk at the new gig and everyone who comes by comments on it. It’s a great remembrance.
Anon
Has anyone ever been to Bolivia on vacation? My SO and I are considering going there for about 10 days in August or September. I know it isn’t a relaxing vacation spot, but we’re both ok with that. Any recommendations? We’re also considering Colombia (but know it would be a very different trip) but are still sort of leaning towards Bolivia.
IT Chick in MN
I’ve been to Bolivia on a volunteer trip. It is really a lovely place, with lovely people. There are two very different areas of Bolivia, the mountains and the lowlands. Normally, I would recommend the lowlands. Unfortunately, they are suffering from record flooding which isn’t expected to recede until at least April. So, if you decide for the lowlands, make sure you have some good conversations with your hotel/service provider to understand the conditions.
In the lowlands, the beef is AMAZING – grass fed, on a par with Argentinian beef. Chicken is expensive and rarely good. I’m most familiar with the Trinidad-Benin area. Nothing particularly touristy but beautiful country and lovely people.
La Paz is gorgeous, but be prepared to acclimate and deal with altitude issues. The vague memories I have of my afternoon wandering around La Paz are great, and I did some great shopping there.
hellskitchen
My job requires me to head out several times a day for meetings with clients and partners. Most of these meetings are a few blocks away from work or at most a very short cab ride. I have ruined a couple of pairs of boots walking in the slush and piled up snow, and find myself in need a new pair of snow/rain boots that are water resistant, warm, clean easily and look relatively presentable. Something like the Lands End Commuter boots but those are out of my size. Has anyone come across boots similar to these in style and affordable? Thanks!
IT Chick in MN
I recently picked up a pair of Propet boots, the Chermona style. I needed something which was comfortable for walking, wanted something that didn’t scream snow boot, and water resistant. I am just thrilled with the boots. They come in wide widths, up to 2E. They are remarkably comfortable for walking. They are warm (even during the really frigid temps), yet don’t seem too warm when I’ve worn them at the office too. I wouldn’t wear that style with a skirt, but they do just fine with pants.
hellskitchen
Thanks! These look like a good option for me.
Ginjury
What about these?
http://www.dsw.com/shoe/totes+kim+snow+bootie?prodId=303816&category=dsw10cat120044&activeCats=cat10006,cat20173,dsw10cat120044