Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Lightweight Wool Peak-Lapel Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A reader recently wrote in looking for a hot pink blazer because the color is part of her company’s branding, and I had just seen Allie at Wardrobe Oxygen talking about a hot pink suit at Banana Republic, so I quickly wrote back to recommend that one. I also took a quick look around online and saw that pink blazers are kind of a hot item right now — there are a lot of them out there. (We featured a flamingo one from J.Crew a while back.) If you’re looking for one yourself, this comes in regular sizes (0-16), tall (2-16), and petite (00-14), and it’s wool, which is nice. It’s also got a matching pant (Ryan Fit and Logan Fit). This blazer is $198 full price. Lightweight Wool Peak-Lapel Blazer

A more affordable option: this $51 blazer comes in sizes S, M, and L — and there are some lucky sizes here and here. Here’s a plus-size option (also available in petite, plus petite, and regular sizes).

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  1. Conference attire :

    I’m speaking on a panel at a financial service conference in a few weeks in a Southern city and am not sure what to wear (I’m from New York). I think a suit would feel too stuffy given the organization.

    Straight leg black pants and a structured top? Or the pants with a silk blouse and blazer? One of those blazer vest things I see everywhere and purchased along the way? Is it safer to go with a sheath dress?

    Just hoping to look sharp and not stick out like a sore thumb.

    Thanks in advance!

    • Nylon girl :

      Hi from a Southern city! Sheath dress or dress pants and blazer. Feel free to wear colors or an interesting necklace. You’ll be great.

      • Ditto from another southerner. Particularly ditto on the colors and interesting accessories piece.

  2. youtube/internet exercise programs that you guys love? Ideally yoga / mat pilates / or just good fast workouts with free weights. Looking for stuff to do in the morning before I head out.

    • I really like the Yoga by Adrienne videos. They tend to average just under 30 minutes.

    • I like Yoga with Adriene but I’ve also heard good things about Bad Yogi

    • Yoga with Adrienne – lots of videos for different lengths of time, skill levels, and workout goals

    • Melissa Bender Fitness

    • BabyAssociate :

      Blogilates, I’ve started doing the 30 minutes full body pilates workout every morning.

    • Fitness Blender and Popsugar Fitness

    • Rebecca Louise on youtube – its mostly pilates type workouts.

    • This is my all-time favorite, it really gets the job done: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3320EhbImLY . I also like Blogilates

    • Thanks for all the recs. I tried out one of Yoga by Adriene’s vinyasa flow videos and I like her style. I will try out all the rest too because I need variation!

    • JuniorMinion :

      Fitnessblender! (I think someone mentioned this above). I have purchased one of their FB30 8 week programs (think it was around ~$10) which is 30 minutes a day planned out for you. I really like it.

    • I like Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. About 20 minutes with cardio and weights. I also agree with the recommendations for Yoga by Adrienne and I like the old school Windsor Pilates videos. They are on youtube as well.

    • I’ve started doing Forte fitness, which is like the Netflix of fitness. There are a bunch of different instructors on there with different types of classes.

    • I just started PilatesAnytime. it’s $18 per month and has a mat, fusion, pilates for posture, barre, etc. I like it so far.

    • Anonymous :

      Love love love Yoga with Adrienne. I’m doing her 30 day challenge now.

    • Oh so anon :

      Ballet Beautiful!

  3. In-House in Houston :

    I really like this blazer. BR has their “Friends and Family” sale starting tomorrow where you can get 50% off up to 5 items but you must have a coupon that was sent to you from one of their employees. I think I might use one of my 5 on this jacket. Wish it was a little less “hot pink” and more raspberry.

    • FWIW, I have a hot pink blazer and get compliments on it every time I wear it.

      • What do you wear it with?

        • I mix and match it with a variety of things, but generally stay in the white, black, and grey color families.

          I have paired it with a white top and black bottom, white top and grey bottom, black and white polka dot top and black bottom, white top and dark jeans on casual Fridays, with a black and white herringbone dress, and with a light grey dress which has a pink windowpane.

          • All of these outfit combinations sound awesome with the pink blazer!

          • Thanks! I also have hot pink Minnie pants, which I pair with most of the same tops and a black/grey/white blazer.

          • I could see it with cobalt, purple, maybe pastels like aqua/light blue …

          • newbinlaw :

            since you seem great at this – what would you style with an oxblood and black open front blazer? The problem is that it includes black, so I have trouble with it. I guess I could do black top and pants but that seems like a lot. Maybe white top black bottoms? I have only worn it with a black dress but I love it.
            I also have a light blue blazer and am going to take your advice on the pink one for that!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I love this blazer. The color would be perfect on me, but alas won’t fit.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a hot pink moto jacket sort of blazer thing, and I love it. I wear it with navy or black trousers.

  4. Anonymous :

    Ladies, are trouser jeans out? I still have a pair and love them but afraid they may be too dated. Thoughts??

    • Anonymous :

      IMO, trouser jeans are one of those items that are never really “out” even if they aren’t totally on-trend. If you style them in a modern/classic way, you’re good to go.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. They’re out in the sense that they are not super on trend right now, but they are a classic that is never really out.

    • BabyAssociate :

      I’ll respectfully disagree with Anonymous above. Must like my feelings on bell sleeves, I was never a fan of trouser jeans when the were on trend and definitely think they look dated now. But to each their own!

      • +1 I think they are the new mom jeans now that mom jeans are in style ironically. I never liked them in the first place though, but they read as very dated to me.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes, definitely out.

    • what about skinny jeans?

    • Wide legs/flares in general are coming back in, so I don’t think trouser jeans look dated. May not be perfectly on-trend, but I am also of the opinion that they never really went out. I’m thinking specifically of the Logan fit pants at BR as I say this.

      I have two pair and still wear them, or at least am wearing them again now that I fit in them. I’m full through the hips and appreciate the fuller cut through the leg. I was/am a fan of the bootcut jean.

      • I keep hearing that flares are coming back/are back (and I’m thrilled!) but I still see mostly skinnies for sale.

    • No, they’re not out. In fact, for some women, myself included, trouser jeans are the most flattering cut. I’d rather wear trouser jeans and look and feel incredible than wear skinny jeans and look and feel like crap but be on trend.

    • I think as long as you keep your overall look updated, you should wear whatever jeans look best on your body. For some of us (pears), a slightly wider leg/boot cut/flare is much more flattering (slimming for me). They look best with a bit of height/heel though.

      • I’m a pear with short legs and I have given up on flares entirely… they make me look silly.

        • “Flare” may be too much width for you. But a wider opening at the ankle/shoe tends to work well. Each of us has to find the right width.

          • Yeah, the right width for me is somewhere between straight and skinny. I have somewhat thick calves but tiny ankles, so I’d rather go tight.

    • Great podcast on why jean styles are (or are not) ever changing. https://www. bloomberg. com/news/articles/2016-08-09/material-world-skinny-jeans-are-killing-the-fashion-industry

  5. What has a man (preferably one with the potential for romantic interest) done that has most impressed you? Or what about him most impressed you?

    • Anonymous :


      • +1

        I tell my husband often that his kindness and thoughtfulness are the most important things he does for me. It’s probably more flattering to hear that he’s sexy and smart (which he is), but his kindness touches me more deeply than anything else.

      • Senior Attorney :


    • No screwing around or playing games. Just being honest and up front about his feelings and interest in dating me. I don’t suffer game playing, “does he like me?” nonsense, or bullshit gladly.

      If you want to date me, say that. If you love me, say that. If you want to marry me, say that. My husband did say all that. It impressed me. Here we are 15 years later.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        Yeah, this. I am a direct communicator and appreciate the same from my partner.

    • A super specific scenario but a few years ago, my Christmas trip home was suddenly cancelled. So I was stuck 7,000 miles away from my family, living in dorms, and eating cereal for dinner most nights. I had been on one date with my now husband and he invited me to spend Christmas Eve (our second date) with him and his siblings. There was no concern about playing it cool, just an act of kindness.

      Makes up for our first date where he didn’t want to be presumptuous by walking me home and implying he should come in so he jumped on a bus, abandoning me in the middle of town. Incidentally, he was so flustered that he got the wrong bus and had to get off two stops later.

    • I was a freshman in college and my grandfather died. A guy that I had only known for three weeks gave me his car to drive home (several hours away) because I didn’t have one. No questions asked – just here are the keys to my car come back whenever you’re done with it. We weren’t dating and hardly knew each other (although there was definitely an attraction). Fast forward 13 years and he’s now my husband!

    • First Year Anon :

      Rented a zip car to drive me home after late dates so I wouldn’t have to go home alone late at night.

      • TorontoNewbie :

        Before dating, flew to a different city to help me apartment-hunt because I’d been broken up with two weeks before and he didn’t want me to do that alone. I insisted on paying for accommodation and he didn’t complain about sharing a room in an incredibly sketchy hostel with no shower even though he was making more than enough money to get his own room in a real hotel. Also, turning me down because I wasn’t over the ex. We’re married now.

    • I has been dating this guys for months and always avoided talking about my family (I come from an interesting family). Obviously he picked up on this and one day took me aside and said without any prompt There’s probably a reason why you haven’t talked about your family and that is fine. I am interested in you and you only and I know you will open up when you feel like it. I just don’t want to worry about this while we are getting to know each other.

    • He did woodworking as a hobby, and asked if he could make a violin for me.

      I’m a violinist.


    • Referred to me in casual conversation as a woman rather than as a girl.

    • I was having guests stay for several days and was feeling pinched for time and stressed out about cleaning the house before they arrived. I came home from work to discover that he had gone to my house during the work day, changed out of his work clothes, cleaned my bathroom, then changed and went back to work. All without telling me! It was the best gift ever and a huge relief.

    • Senior Attorney :

      In addition to his kindness, which was revealed over time, I was unbelievably impressed when he invited me to dinner at his house for our second date and it turned out to be a sit-down dinner for eight, cooked by him, featuring the good china, the good silver, and a homemade apple tart!

    • Under a month into dating, a guy helped me do 17 loads of laundry (basically everything washable that I owned) at his apartment building to get the smoke smell out of them after a fire at my place. Fed me dinner while we did laundry. Let me sleep (actually sleep) at his apartment.

      I married the guy.

    • One of the reasons I married my husband is because he always does exactly what he says he is going to do (and also because he’s intelligent, hardworking, super cute, and hilarious). In the beginning of our relationship, if he said he would call me on Wednesday, he would call me on Wednesday. If he invited me out to dinner, he chose the restaurant, offered to pick me up, and made reservations. I never wondered if he was going to text me or ask me out again; I just always felt so sure about him and felt that he was so sure about me (he would often ask me out on another date, including with a day of the week and a possible activity, before the date we were on even ended). He was so consistent and true to his word, and that went (and still goes) a long way with me. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t occasionally surprise me (he does), or that he doesn’t forget to run the dishwasher from time to time, but I love that I can always count on him.

      Also, I suggested Thai food on our fourth date, which he willingly agreed to. We went to Thai restaurants and ordered Thai takeout occasionally for nearly a year before he confessed that he doesn’t like Thai food. I felt really bad, but it was also adorable.

      • (former) 3L mama :

        came here to say exactly this. From our very first date (we were 18 years old, going on 11 years ago) my husband made plans/reservations, called when he said he’d call, and was honest and self-reflective about his choices, worries, intentions.

        The Thai food thing is very sweet :-)

        • did you guys get back together?

          (maybe I have you confused with another poster)?

          • (former) 3L mama :

            c, if you’re asking me… you must have me confused! I’m still married to the only guy I ever (seriously) dated.

          • Anon (original commentator) :

            I think you have the wrong person – DH and I have been together for 6 years; no breakups to speak of!

    • I’m late to the thread, but I’ll play. I met a man this fall when he introduced himself through an honest-to-God, handwritten, delivered-by-the-postal-service letter. It was charming and self-deprecating, not stalkery. I did recognize his name, as his ex-wife is in my book club. They are cordial but not friends – her current H doesn’t approve of that – but she still thinks well of him and had their adult daughter tell him about me and insist that we had so much in common that we needed to meet.

      At the time I was seeing someone else but I had a few lunches with the letter-writer. After I broke up with the first guy, the letter-writer and I dated for a couple of months. We were in fact perfect for each other on paper, and he said he was in love with me, but I just couldn’t reciprocate the feeling and in fact went back to the man I’d been seeing before. But that letter remains impressive.

    • Pale Girl Snorkeling :

      I had just separated from my now ex husband and had been dating a new guy for less than a week when he offered to let me stay over at his place as long as I needed because he knew my ex was being really nasty to me and I needed a different place to stay while I filed for divorce. Later that same month he drove me 21 hours (each way!) just to spend a long weekend with my family once he learned it had been several years since I had seen them or been home (bc of the ex). Two years later we’re still seeing each other and I’m finally divorced

    • Ice Cream :

      My husband orders both the M&M and Oreo McFlurries and always has since he learned that I often “pick the wrong one” (talk about craving one, eat one bite, and quickly want the other one–it’s a weird thing I do).

      He does it with all other sorts of things that aren’t his favorite flavors to make sure I can always swap with him. He never fails to let me swap it out, even if it’s something he likes. So I married him.

  6. I’m in graduate school and working on a group project for an intensive class. How do you handle it when other members of your group make consistent grammatical errors in the final product? They appear not to know when they are making errors so I don’t think I can ask them to “proofread more carefully” or anything like that. I would review everything myself if possible, but it isn’t always feasible and I’ve already done that twice only to hear someone say they made last-minute (ungrammatical) changes. I don’t necessarily want to outright say “you guys keep making errors, please stop turning things in without my review,” but I don’t want to get a bad grade and even more so, I don’t want my name attached to their work product in case I ever want to apply to work for this professor. Thoughts on handling this sensitively? And yes…I hate group projects in the school setting where no one is ever held accountable.

    • I think that’s exactly what you say, and what I did in groups in grad school (after some winces and internal freakouts). “Hey, let’s talk about the strengths we all bring to the table! I’m really good at proofreading, and would be happy to go over everything before it gets submitted to check for any typos or mechanical errors,” continued to, “I saw that the last couple of chapters were turned in with [grammatical errors X and Y]. Let’s make sure that we’re turning in final drafts without any mechanical errors.”

      This may not be everyone’s experience, but the worst writer in our group ended up being totally fine with it–he knew mechanics and style were not his forte, and was glad to get his work edited.

    • Instead of saying “you guys keep making errors, please stop turning things in without my review,” say, “hey guys, grammar is kind of my thing, so I think we’d all get a better grade if I give it one last copy edit before we turn it in.”

      This way you’re not criticizing anyone, you’re offering to take on a task rather than telling someone else not to do it, and you’re emphasizing that you’ll all get a better grade if you take on this task.

    • Are you sure that it’s actually affecting your grade? Because as a stickler for this kind of thing myself, I find that often most people just don’t care. Sometimes including professors. Learning to let go and have good enough be good enough is a life-changing skill.

      • (And of course, now that I’ve said I’m a stickler for grammar on the internet, I’m sure I’ve made some mistakes somewhere.)

        • Unfortunately, we’ve already lost points for it once. Grammar really is my thing and I could definitely prevent us from losing points again – it’s just a matter of getting the group to cooperate and not view me as “bossy.”

          • similarly minded :

            You have my sympathy! I usually just explained it would really bug me if we kept losing points for mechanical errors that I could have caught, offered to set aside the last two hours before the assignment was submitted to proofread carefully, and asked that everyone else got me final content changes before then. It really annoyed me that I had to present my skills as a peccadillo, but it helped a lot with group dynamics to be willing to be teased about it.

          • Brunchaholic :

            I agree with similarly minded’s suggestion. Given that a lot of people make regular grammar mistakes they are completely unaware of and that group members just might not care at all, I think volunteering to be the one to do the final proofread is your best bet. Your concern is the final work product and your own grade- you don’t need to be the one to teach/explain grammar to them or to motivate them to care more than they do. Such is life with group projects (at least in my experience).

      • Good grammar is a really important life skill. You are going to be judged by incorrect grammar, and I definitely agree that you should not want your name associated with work product with incorrect grammar.

  7. Should I Stay or Should I Go? :

    I’m a second year associate at a seemingly unicorn biglaw job. Moderate pressure to bill, no real face time, flexible working environment, easy to take vacations so long as you plan ahead, etc. I never wanted to do big law, but here I am. I don’t particularly enjoy the work but am getting substance experience. I envision trying to move to government or nonprofit work in a couple years (loan forgiveness! work I want to do!) after I take advantage of their awesome maternity leave policy for hopeful kid #2 sometime next year.

    However, I just got offered a job at a small firm for half the pay doing work I objectively like. I wasn’t looking – this was offered to me by a former mentor. I’m really divided on what to do.

    Do I continue to bide my time here at unicorn big law so I can hopefully jump ship in a few years to government and do the work I want AND get the public interest loan forgiveness? Or is a bird in hand worth two in the bush – Do I take the job I would like, even though it’s not the ideal situation (less pay with no hope of loan forgiveness)? Honestly, if my loans weren’t an issue, I think I would jump ship tomorrow.

    I’d appreciate any thoughts or insights! Thanks!

    • Anonymous :

      I think you’d be absolutely insane to take the job. Half the pay?!? Why would you even consider it? You’re a second year. You aren’t supposed to love it yet. Use big law to learn and grow so when you do want to move it’s to a solid job.

    • Anonymous :

      How is the office environment at possible new firm? Unless you know that it will be similar to where you are now, I would take flexible work environment and ability to take vacations over loving the work itself. Secondary fertility is an issue faced by many women and with baby #2 TTC planned, I would be hesitate to jump ship unless the work environment at the new place was similar.

      • Further to your point about office environment – getting along with your coworkers is incredibly important to your daily life. You can love the work you’re doing but if you have an insane boss or toxic coworker or chronically lazy secretary, that sh!t will ruin your (work)life. Assuming you get along with everyone in your current job, I’d really hesitate to jump into the unknown unless it’s a super amazing once in a lifetime opportunity, which it sounds like this isn’t.

        And a point about small firms – just because they’re small and pay you half as much, don’t think you’re getting away from ridiculous expectations or billing or facetime. Sometimes there’s more pressure to bill and bring in business in a smaller environment because they can’t afford any dead weight. This is very individual, of course, but I’d do a lot of due diligence in your legal community before joining a small firm.

    • Anonymous :

      I wouldn’t count on loan forgiveness as an option when making future plans. You never know what will happen with that.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 I would say aggresive loan payment via current biglaw job is a better strategy (stay until you pay off or pay down considerably, if possible). Do the payoff before going to government, or wherever else you want to go. It’ll give you more flexibility in the future.

        • Anonymous :

          This. If you can live on the small firm salary, then keep the biglaw job – budget like you’re getting the small firm salary (so you can see what it’s like to live on that) and use the rest of the $$ to pay off your loans. Loans + 2 kids in childcare is a lot of $$ – pay off the loans as much as you can, as soon as you can.

      • I work in tax policy. Definitely do NOT count on loan forgiveness. It’s in the cross-hairs.

      • + a million.

    • I’d absolutely stay. You’ll have a lot oren options from a big firm, which if you hated might be a different story but you don’t. And at double the pay, you can deal with your loans now rather than waiting for loan forgiveness (which is tricky and not guaranteed). If you can live on half your salary now, why not just throw that half toward your loans and have alternative options a lot sooner?

    • Half the pay with no loan forgiveness, and you don’t hate your current job, and you are going to try for #2? Heck no. Stay where you are and take the time to really figure out what you want to do while paying off your loans.

      • Delta Dawn :

        Agree completely. There is no way I would disturb the equilibrium while still trying for another child. Even without TTC, I probably wouldn’t take the other job. It sounds like the only advantage is you would like the work more. But you don’t hate the work you currently do. You don’t know what the tradeoffs would be– would they be flexible like current job? Would you like your coworkers, like current job? And the 50% pay cut would be an absolute deal breaker. It’s too much risk for almost no reward.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I completely agree with all of the above – stay where you are for now.

    • I had a unicorn job right out of school and thought that all jobs would feel decent like that one. They don’t. Do NOT jump ship on a job that treats you well, has reasonable expectations, etc etc. They’re so much more rare than you know.

      • +1 – i had a terribly toxic job right out of law school, and my next job was a unicorn. I’m still here (three internal transfers but same organization) because i know how bad it can be.

    • I have learned that it’s always possible to go back to a job (I’ve done it twice, in two different roles). So I would also think that the small firm job will be there, and if not that one, another one. But keep in contact with your mentor because you never know. Congrats on the unicorn job :)

    • Stay. Use the money to pay off your loans or save for daycare. Spend the time figuring out what you really want to do. FWIW, I’m 6 years out of law school. I was introduced to the work I really enjoy during my second year at a large regional law firm (but not Big Law). A few months ago I left the large firm for a smaller one to do just the work I want to do. At this stage, after paying off loans and having some savings built up, the pay cut didn’t hurt as much, and I was able to find a place where I knew the hours and culture were a better fit for where I am now.

    • lucy stone :

      Stay and get your finances in order. I’m just hoping loan forgiveness makes it to 2019 for me. I’m 8 years in with the government and my work environment is not what it’s cracked up to be – I am here for the loan forgiveness right now and then probably going to jump ship if things don’t improve.

    • Another vote for stay. Even setting aside the finances, I think it’s risky to start a new job when you’re planning to TTC shortly and you know your current job is flexible and family-friendly. There are only two scenarios in which changing jobs right before TTC makes sense to me: 1) new job is the dream job and you can’t imagine passing it up or 2) current job is untenable (pay, hours, conflict with boss, etc). Since neither of these applies, I’d stay.

    • Unless it’s half the pay for half the work and the maternity leave policy at small firm is similarly generous to biglaw, stay put and save/pay down loans like crazy. I agree with others that you can’t count on loan forgiveness in the future and it sounds like you have a good gig where you are.

    • Should I Stay or Should I Go? :

      Thanks, all! I appreciate the insight. My husband is just ending a long period of unemployment, so I’m finally feeling free to dream about taking another job after supporting us for a year. I know objectively that I really do have a great gig, but it’s hard not to feel a little bit boxed in when you’re not doing what you love.

      I think I knew in my gut that staying was the right answer, but it feels good to get the confirmation.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        I have a similar unicorn big law job. I also get really good experience with depos and trials, at least for biglaw. And my co-workers are excellent.

        I don’t love it. But it’s fine, and I am good at it. And it offers me enough flexibility, predictability, and very good compensation. This lets me spend time with my family, pursue my (so many!) interests outside of work, and for us to be financially secure.

        I can’t imagine loving any job though. I think I would always be much more interested in my hobbies and family.

      • I agree with the other advice. If you love the work, there are still lots of variables than can make what looks like a dream job, not. I’ve seen many, including toxic staff (even one can make your life miserable) and bosses who do not appreciate you. In Biglaw, loan forgiveness should not be your goal– pay it down while you can.

        On a positive note of advice, if you are not wild about work, branch out. Your state bar probably has one program or another that encourages/provides opportunities for pro bono work. Try that in small bites, and it may give you lots of enjoyment and fulfillment. It will almost certainly increase your work happiness.

  8. dead bedroom? :

    This is probably a question for a marriage therapist but I’m going to throw it out here.

    Married 13 years, 2 elementary aged kids, we both work full time. Life is hectic. My H and I have s*x once per month, lots of times it stretches to once every 6 weeks. Lack of s*x has been a problem with us since the first year of our marriage. He would spend his evenings playing video games (or watching baseball, or drawing–it changes over the years) and I would go to bed feeling angry. Eventually, I would explode and tell him how I want more intimacy, he gets sullen, our relationship gets strained…then I learn to shrug it off and the amount never really changes. I just stuff it down because the rest of our relationship is great.

    We’re back in a video game cycle and I’m ready to walk out. I’ve exploded, I’ve calmly talked about it in phone calls and emails. He responds with, “You’re right. I need to spend less time playing and more time with you.” Then he’ll come to bed that night and slump against the headboard half awake, making ZERO effort. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that??? We’re now in our longest drought without a new baby–10 weeks.

    I’ve noticed that he’s “playful” or in the mood with me when we absolutely CAN’T have s*x. While getting dressed for work. While I’m making dinner and the kids are around. If we’re alone? He’s tired, he’s too full, he feels sick, he has to go to the bathroom (with a book) and stays in there for 30 minutes. It’s also so ridiculously lack luster. The lazing against the headboard, half-heartedly grabbing for me with one weak hand is a huge turn off. While it’s happening, the whole time I’m thinking, “Well, this isn’t good, and this is all I’m going to get until next month.”

    We have a date night tonight. Honestly, I want to text him “Going out on my own tonight. See you at 9 after I pick up the kids,” and just avoid the whole stupid experience. I wish I could find an affair partner. I wish I could rage at him and tell him how little effort he’s putting into this. I wish he would WANT me. I have no idea what to do and at this point I’m so resentful and angry.

    • Anonymous :

      No specific advice but it’s understandable that you feel hurt by his behavior. I would look for a counselor who specializes in intimacy issues. It’s not just the s#x itself, it’s the lack of it and his attitude toward it and how that makes you feel.

    • Anonymous :

      Talk to him. You have a date night tonight, tell him you want to bang after. Tell him you’re into him and you love him and you miss him. Tell him you don’t want to fight about the video games every night, but that you want a date night, video game free, once a week. Calendar those dates for the next 6 weeks. Book a sitter immediately. Give it a try.

      • Anonymous :

        Yep. Be crystal clear. “I want to go on a date with you and have s#x with you every week.” Ask him what he needs to get excited about it — do you watch p0rn together? Does something in particular turn him on? Then tell him this is a NEED, not a want. If that doesn’t work, then book a marriage therapist (once a week).

      • Even better, find a way to bang him before the date, not after. It sounds like night time isn’t his best time, what with the “too tired, too full, feels sick” stuff.

        When you’re not feeling rejected and resentful, try to talk about what would make s3x better for both of you. Counseling may help, but try just talking to each other first.

        This may be me reading into it, but does he help around the home? It sounds like he gets a lot of time for his personal pursuits – drawing, video games, watching baseball – in the evenings. Are you doing all the childcare and housework in the evenings and then getting no action? Because I may need to come over and kick his ass…

        • dead bedroom? :

          He does help around the house, but you made me laugh, so thank you! He cleans the kitchen every night, then he heads down to the basement to do his own thing.

          I end up chasing the kids into the bathtub and wrapping up the evening alone but honestly, at this age, it’s okay. When he hears me herding them into bed he comes up, kisses them goodnight, then heads back down again.

    • I agree, this is something to take to a marriage therapist. I have been there too, although not quite as severe – my husband will mess around with his computer all evening and then when I’m finally laying my head on the pillow to sleep, completely exhausted, that’s when he’ll make a move (ditto to getting ready for work, walking out the door for a workout, etc.). I’ve just tried to repeat “you need to pick a better time, as I’ve said before, your chances of success are more higher if you___”, but honestly, it’s an uphill battle. There isn’t a lot of romance or originality left either; every move is down pat. I do find it helps to go try new things outside of the bedroom to inject a little spark back into it (especially things in the outdoors, which is enjoyable and relaxing to both of us).

    • Someone recommended the podcast “longest shortest time-episode 96” and it gave me some food for thought on how to approach intimacy. It also seems like you have a timing issue and both of you feel rejected when the timing is off. 10pm at night is about the worst time for us- we are both tired. Sneaking around for a quickie? Getting it on before date night starts? Much more exciting.

      • I read a book recommended here (I cannot remember the name, but the one with the “islands” “waves” and “anchors” metaphor) and he emphasized that you have to get attuned to want your partner’s schedule is for these things. It may be that you give him an O in the morning and he does it for you at night. Not saying by any stretch that it is you (this sounds so, so frustrating). The author also talks about putting each other to bed and how to handle it when couples have different schedules.

        • Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin

        • He may just be much more of a morning person. I’m much more of a night person so my thoughts about being intimate in the morning are, “what, no way, I don’t want to do that, I’m sleepy/ frantically getting ready for work/ not in the mood…..oh, OK, now I get how you are at night. ” we try to carve out weekend time.

          • This was my thought too. I think there is a big difference between not making advances at all, and making advances at a time of day when you’re not interested. Plenty of people are just tired at night, it doesn’t mean they’re not into their spouses. Can you wake up earlier so mornings are an option? Or schedule day dates on weekends when kids are at a friend’s house or an activity?

    • If everything else is good, do not write him off. Men these days are so into video games, and as you know, he prefers them to s#x with you. That is not an all bad thing, as there are numerous devices commercially available that are far more effective than a man’s wanker. Yes, you crave intimacy, but you can get that by joining with him when he plays video games. My SO is much the same way. When we first started dating, he was all over me, with s#x being a staple every day we were together, sometimes 2-3x. When we were not together, he would call and we would have phone s#x. To be honest, that could not be maintained, and that actually got boring. You have kids, and that can be a drain in and of themselves. While you’d surely love for him to be energetic to provide you (and him) with s#xueal release, you cannot count on it. His wanker is into the video games, so I recommend you get a s#x toy and bring it with you when you play video games with him. When he sees you getting off with that toy, he may well be more receptive and take over for the toy with his own manhood. I recommend you encourage that by dressing appropriately. I hope all works out with you, but do not give up. He sounds otherwise great. Too many people break up over s#x, and that is not really a reason to do so.

      • In-House Europe :

        This is a troll. Right??

      • I disagree. This poster is not far off the mark. The key is to have your man identify you with pleasurable activities; in this case video games. Having her join with him in the activity of playing video games is something he finds pleasurable. It may be a stretch for her to start getting off in front of him with some sort of dildo, but still, that could rekindle what has become dormant below the belt. It is also possible that he is not interested in her in bed b/c he has another woman, but I rather doubt it. I doubt Laura is a troll; just a woman trying to share her experience with others.

    • Any chance you can plop down with him and play a video game? Ask him to teach you and genuinely show interest? You might enjoy it, and the gesture of goodwill may help your husband want to do the same. I find that dynamic in my marriage. We both get into these situations where the other person is doing something that makes us feel bad in some way (not enough attention, lack of enthusiasm about LGPs, or even just generally not getting along). I find that doing little things like these is WAY more effective than talking about it. I usually feel like DH should know how I feel about things, but if we end up talking about things like this, I try to do it after I’ve made some gesture of goodwill. It helps a TON.

      • I had a relationship once where video games became a big problem. Thing is, I actually liked playing video games at the time. I came to hate them with a passion because he spent so much time with the games. I would beg him to come to bed at a reasonable hour, just hold me, talk to me, LOOK AT ME, but he refused. Against that backdrop, if you had said to me “just sit down and play with him maybe it’ll be fun!” that would be like suggesting I should hop in bed with him and his mistress. Idk if OP’s marriage has gotten to that point, of course, but I want to lend some support in case OP has as visceral a reaction to this suggestion as I would have at that time in my life.

        Fwiw, in my relationship, it wasn’t about the games. It was about escaping from… our life? His life? I never knew exactly. He was unhappy and didn’t know what to do and didn’t have the energy to fix it so he just disconnected. If I joined him in doing one activity, he would either ignore me or suddenly lose interest and move onto something else.

        • dead bedroom? :

          Early on in our marriage, I tried joining him in the games. Results:

          1. My “Hey! Teach me! Ooops I just died!” fun only annoyed him. After 30 minutes he would start yelling things like, “Keep up! Walk over here! UGGGGHHH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” Imagine trying to pick up running because your new SO is a marathon runner. You’re wheezing and grabbing your side, slowing him down, feeling super embarrassed and his jaw is clenched because he could be so much further into his run by now if you weren’t there.

          2. Joining in didn’t mean I pulled his attention back to me. The last thing on his mind was putting the controller down and having s*x. He was only focused on the game, and would continue playing for hours after I would quit.

          3. Now–years later–I find these games childish and ridiculous. Like a mistress? Yeah, I can relate to that analogy! I don’t want anything to do with them. He’s sitting in a corner of the basement (out of the way of kids and family life) in the dark, with a headset, totally immersed in his own world. I could come running down the stairs completely naked with a toy stuck in every orifice and I doubt he would notice, or do more than put this headset on mute and ask what the eff is wrong with me.

          • dead bedroom? :

            I apologize for the toy image, anon. I was flustered from the troll-like advice above and did not mean to direct that at you.

          • anon at 1042 :

            Sorry if you meant me re: troll-like advice. This is how I handle a lot of other marital problems, but from what others have said here, this seems like a different thing, and I get why you wouldn’t want to partake.

          • dead bedroom? :

            Not at all! I was apologizing to YOU because it looked like I was lashing out at you. I was fuming over Laura’s advice.

          • Anonymous :

            I think she was referring to Laura and Vi

      • Spoken like someone who has never dated a guy who loves video games…

      • FWIW, I am married to someone who loves video games. At times the video games (or, really, the underlying depression and anxiety) were a problem in our relationship and in other aspects of his life, and OP’s description would have been completely accurate. I did try playing with him and actually enjoyed some games quite a bit, but it didn’t solve the intimacy issues.

        After receiving treatment for anxiety and depression, and probably just maturing some, DH can play certain video games as a way to unwind without getting too wrapped up. He avoids the ones that are too easy to get swept up in. I also play some games with him, and we enjoy doing that together for a couple of hours a couple times a week. (I only play turn-based strategy games that don’t require any skill or hand-eye coordination.)

        • “anxiety and depression” BINGO – this was the underlying problem in our household.

          I also tried playing games with him before he went to the doc. The only thing that was remotely successful was two player Plants vs Zombies on Xbox. I’m video game challenged, but would manage to plant things, whereas he would zoom around the screen and do whatever fast clicking activities needed to go on.

    • I think this is probably an issue for a marriage counselor, but one thing I will mention is that I am typically only in the mood for an LGP when I wake up in the morning. After the kid goes to bed, I just want to relax and watch TV or read a book. And I find middle-of-the-day LGPs to be such a time suck. Can you “get dressed for work” 10 minutes early, to have a quick party?

    • Been thinking about this lately and honestly think we (the general society “we”) don’t think reasonably about how s*x should happen for busy people. Two people with busy schedules and different s*x drives and tastes are supposed to spontaneously be interested at the same time and then it’s supposed to be amazing every time? This seems way unlikely to me when I actually think about it. I know calendering it sounds un-romantic, but I think it’s more logical and less likely to lead to disappointing s*x. You might try it.

      It also sounds like y’all aren’t getting a lot of quality time together outside of s*x either. anon @ 10:42 suggested you try playing video games with him, and that’s not a bad idea, but I personally have tried and just can.not.get.interested. SO and I have instead taken up playing board games together about once a week. I don’t think it matters so much what you do together as that you focus on spending time together alone and doing something you two both enjoy that’s not s*x, in addition to the s*x.

    • Have you talked about this in person? You say you’ve exploded and you’ve calmly talked about it over the phone and in emails. I’m not seeing, “When we were both calm and relaxed, I sat him down and looked him in the eye and told him the lack of intimacy is destroying our marriage. We both need to put in more effort immediately. I will commit to doing XYZ and I am asking you to give up video games for 30 days, come to bed with me at X:00 p.m. to cuddle – even if we don’t do more – and get up early to shower together and eat breakfast together twice a week.” Or whatever your list is.

      • Oh and also – the initiating-when-we-can’t thing has to stop. Presume good intentions, maybe he’s legit in the mood then. But I had an ex do that as a manipulation tactic or maybe just immaturity. He seemed to really enjoy claiming, “You never want to when I do!” Dude you can’t get up an hour later than me and poke me with it when I’m walking out the door then act all sad that I have to get to work. If you want it in the morning then get up earlier.

      • dead bedroom? :

        I had a serious in-person talk with him, in the fall. I won’t say it was 100% calm because it was me saying, “If this doesn’t change, you WILL lose me,” but we were both seated in chairs on the deck and the kids were asked to go to their bedrooms while we talked.

        There was no real action plan that we agreed on, though, and maybe that’s where I messed up. I just said it needs to change and left it open ended. I assumed that talk would lead to him becoming more creative.

        The Wrong Time Initiating stinks of a manipulation tactic. If the kids spend the night at Grandma’s–he isn’t playfully pulling at our clothes in the morning. If he’s working from home and I come home for a lunch break, he doesn’t make a move for me. On our (very rare) date nights, he treats me with more of a formality. He won’t grab my hand, give me a hug, etc. These things only seem to happen when the kids are around or otherwise “safe” times that sex can’t happen. Or maybe I’m crazy and reading too much into it. I’ve been dealing with this for several years and I’m probably becoming paranoid.

        • Re: manipulation tactic, think about how he acts when you say no. Does he throw it in your face during discussions about intimacy, does he act like you’ve rejected him, does he turn it around and make it your fault? That strikes me as manipulative. But if he doesn’t do any of those things, maybe he’s more flirtatious when there’s no pressure that it’s going to happen.

        • I don’t think you’re paranoid. In my marriage, I am the person who is never interested in s*x. I won’t initiate, but during “safe” times I might try to be playful or affectionate. I wouldn’t say it’s a manipulation tactic on my part, exactly, but I want to show love and affection to my husband without initiating. I feel like if I do that stuff during a time where we *could* have s*x, it will inevitably lead to a conversation (argument) about not having s*x, and both of us will be disappointed and feel rejected, etc. So, yeah, maybe that’s a little manipulative after all.

          • Anonymous :

            Yes, it’s very manipulative. As someone in your husband’s position with my boyfriend, it’s cruel.

            Instead, if it’s been awhile (like 1 month) since I had an orgasm, he gets me off first then I do what he wants be it cuddling or more than cuddling. If it’s been more recently that I got off (like the previous weekend), then I have to respect it when he says he just wants to cuddle or be affectionate.

          • Anon4This :

            Just to defend anon @ 12:36 here, I’m also the person that is less interested in s*x and the flip side of being accused of only being affectionate during “safe” times is being terrified 24/7 that showing any type of affection will be construed as initiating and result in this alleged manipulation being thrown in my face when it was never intended to be that.

            I think this thread is demonstrating that relationships and s*x are complicated and influenced by many factors. Calling someone manipulative and cruel for offering her perspective to a person that is asking for advice/insight seems unnecessarily harsh. Here’s a thought: some people that are genuinely less interested in s*x in general but truly love their partners feel racked with guilt over it.

        • I feel your pain. I’m dealing with similar complex issues in my own marriage. One thing I’ve found is that your partner is attuned to the words that come out of your mouth and they can be hurtful, even if you are only saying them because of well-deserved frustration. Telling him “you will lose me” in an angry tone pushes him away. S*x isn’t just about the physical, it’s about your relationship too. Your angry behavior, which is perfectly understandable, might be making it worse. You need to talk about what you both need and work together with love and respect on finding possible solutions. I know it isn’t easy, but you need to start there.

        • My ex-husband used to do that – initiate only when I was running late for work or other times when it was NOT gonna happen. Because that was safe, he wasn’t going to actually have to follow through. I found it infuriating. Sorry, dude, you don’t get partial credit.

    • “He’s tired, he’s too full, he feels sick, he has to go to the bathroom (with a book) and stays in there for 30 minutes. ”

      – Sounds like he needs to visit the MD.
      – Seems like he’s also avoiding. Perhaps something MD related.
      – What was it like before you married/had kids. Is there a drastic change or maybe it was never that frequent.

      Lots of other good points made here re timing, counseling, talking. Good luck

    • Senior Attorney :

      I’m sorry you’re going through this!

      If you are into self-help books, you may want to check out (the unfortunately named) Dr. David Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage” and others. He is a marriage counselor who basically focuses on sex first when resolving relationship issues. At one point he was doing weekend workshops, although I don’t know if that is still happening. (Yes, apparently so: http://passionatemarriage.com/ )

      Good luck!

    • I attended some s3x positive lecture where the speaker said that men have high testosterone in the morning, it ebbs out around 2-3pm, and is completed depleted at night. This means that they usually want to kick it in the morning, the best time for a woman to enjoy a dude is 2-3pm, and at night, he’s way too drained due to low T levels. So maybe scheduling midday parties on a weekend? Hire a sitter to take the kids somewhere and do the do.

    • Can you try taking it out of the bedroom? I know it is harder with kids but if they are asleep for the night, and he’s down in the basement, could you go down there and initiate in the chair where he is playing video games? and stay there throughout the act? It sounds like you are both craving something different than rote routine. It sounds crazy but if you do some really out of the ordinary things, they may end up reciprocated. Try an HJ or a BJ while he plays video games. Then see if he will pause and finish you off. This isn’t forever, just to break the dry spell.

      • This is a pretty good idea, but the thought of doing him with a BJ after he’s been sitting down in the basement sweating and rocking back and forth playing video games for hours is hardly appealing. I insist that my guy shower before I head downstairs for any kind of treats.

    • I’m guessing that your husband is self-partying during all that alone time in the basement.

      That said, it can be hard to make the first move on an angry, resentful spouse. Have you tried making the first move at a time of day where he is usually into it?

      I am not saying this is your fault, at all, and your relationship may be too far gone if you’re just mad at him day and night, but it’s worth reaching across the bed a few times.

      Basically, I don’t hear anything about you initiating in a loving, secksy way. I hear you saying you get into angry discussions about his lack of initiating, which is hardly conducive to anything other than mediocre, obligatory secksytime.

      I know how you feel. I want to be wanted too, and I’d prefer my husband did all the initiating. But, this just in, he wants to feel wanted too, so he prefers I initiate. It can be frustrating, but I find that whomever initiates, once you’re back in a pattern of having parties regularly, it’s easier and less awkward to start a new session the next day.

    • Have him tested for low Testosterone. It’s a real, treatable condition. One of my closest friends and her fiance and working through it now, and seeing some improvement with treatment.

    • dead bedroom? :

      I scheduled an appointment for individual therapy next week, and I’m waiting to hear back from the same office about a time for marriage therapy. Reading through all this, I’m realizing that I need to get some help/perspective and I’m out of ideas for how to fix this.

      Lack of s*x has been a problem since a few months after our wedding with me always wanting and him just…not. I need to figure out how to process that without feeling resentful, unwanted, unloved, and then withdraw even more. But we’re also a couple with weird baggage–he had an affair with a coworker 8 years ago, and even though we got through it that will always be with us. For me to jump in an initiate takes a lot, because I tried to jump in an initiate back then and it just brings back all sorts of junk. So if he’s feeling like he has to do all the “work”–well, yeah, he does, because I’ve been burned before.

      (No, I don’t think he’s having an affair now. He was mean and withdrawn during the affair. Now he’s just tired and withdrawn but still pleasant. I don’t suspect an affair.)

      All that to say–I’m going to therapy. And we’re going to therapy, and I’m going to tell him tonight.

      • Dang yo. Hugs and rawrs.

      • Thinking of you. This was hard (and a similar cycle was a sign of trouble in my now-former marriage, but I wasn’t brave enough to say anything).

      • I don’t have anything constructive to add, other than that this sounds like a really tough situation and I’ll be thinking of you. Many hugs.

      • Good luck! My H and I have been in counseling for this issue for years. He is not into videogames, but is just never in the mood and actively turns me down all the time at any time of day, no matter what I try. We otherwise get along really well. We have been working through his depression in our counseling, and while he is more affectionate now, our frequency has not increased. Overall, I still think counseling has been helpful for us. I don’t think s3x will ever be as frequent as I’d like, but I now understand that his lack of interest isn’t his lack of attraction or caring. He has different issues with intimacy, is fighting depression, and generally is less interested in s3x than I am. Understanding that makes me feel less broken, so I can focus on everything else that is good in our relationship. Definitely try couples counseling.

      • I’m really sorry to hear about what you have been through.

        Definitely therapy.

        You have been more than patient.

  9. Recruiters Help! :

    It’s Job Hunting from yesterday…I have searched the archives but didn’t find an answer exactly on point.

    What are people’s opinions on the value of legal recruiters? I found one that works with people like me (background, etc.). I am trying to make a move that will be tough- and he acknowledged that, but said that it’s within the realm of possibility and definitely worth a shot. I know they do NOT want you submitting behind their backs, but part of me feels weird if I don’t try to hustle for a job myself. I also know recruiters take a fee so I assume firms would prefer resumes from the candidate themselves. But this guy knows this market better than I do and I think he may be able to help me in ways I cannot do it myself.

    Have people here found recruiters to be better than doing it on your own? What about firms that say on their website that they don’t take applications from recruiters- in my mind, I should be free to apply to those directly and not ‘violate’ whatever unofficial rules there are with recruiters.

    Any help would be appreciated!

    • Anonymous :

      Any job you find on your own, you can apply to directly. Any job the recruiter finds/tells you about, you need to use the recruiter (or not apply at all). You can absolutely keep looking and applying on your own. Many firms have a once-every-6-months policy, where if you’ve applied in the last 6 months, the recruiter can’t submit you (and vice-versa). I find I get more interviews when using the recruiter (NYC) but I don’t have a new job yet, so jury’s still out.

      • Recruiters Help! :

        Yes, so long as I can keep noodling around and find jobs I can apply on my own, I think it will be fine. I just don’t want to be tied to a person who wont be working 100% for me all of the time (understandably).

  10. London Recs :

    I will be in London for the remainder of this week and all of next week. I’ll be busy working on weekdays, but will have the weekend free.

    What would you do over a solo weekend in London? My interests include art, walking around cool neighborhoods, cute cafes and trying to be healthy between crazy weeks (fitness class recs??).

    Staying near St Paul’s Cathedral. Thanks!

    • I just like to wander through Southbank, stopping for a coffee or tea and popping into the Tate Modern. If you’re up for a fancy tea, Senior Attorney and others (I think) have gone to Sketch which looks amazing!

      • Senior Attorney :

        Sketch was the best!! Just make sure you make a reservation!

      • I was at sketch yesterday! Def. make a reservation for the pink room, and check out the restroom while you are there! Carnaby street (right around the corner) has some neat shopping, and hit all the big department stores – Harrods, Fortnum & Mason, etc. There were 2 big bookstores on Picadilly that were great. I was super excited about the British Museum but found it really boring. Victoria and Albert sounds cool.

    • Anonymous :

      the borough market! super close to St. Paul’s (just across the bridge) and it has so much awesome food!

      • I’m desperate to check this out, it looks amazing! My in-laws are weirdly into chain restaurants and I can’t eat another overpriced meal at Prezzo or Cafe Royale.

        • I am not that familiar with London at all (except I know I love it), but last time I was there I was working out of my firm’s London office which happens to be across from St. Paul’s. And I wandered over to the borough market for lunch on both days, and it was literally the best. ever. Try the fresh pasta places, and also Pie Minster (mini savory pies and mash, and they have veg options!!!)

          • Borough is great! It’s also easy to get to on foot.

            Museum wise, perhaps the British Museum or the National Portrait Gallery if you haven’t been? They often get overlooked in my experience.

            And if you like bookshops, Hatchards on Picadilly.

          • Anonshmanon :

            Seconding the National Portrait Gallery! Also the Victoria and Albert Museum, it has art in the form of furniture, clothing, basically all things design. All the museums mentioned so far are free, too!

    • Go to Paris for the weekend!

  11. Anonymous :

    How can I politely decline clean up duties after Board meetings? I work at a nonprofit in a director level position, and I attend bimonthly Board meetings along with our Executive Director, her assistant, the bookkeeper, and the administrative assistant. None of our managing attorneys (who I’d consider to be in similar director level positions) attend.

    After each meeting, the 3 women (minus our boss) begin to clean up after the Board members: from throwing away discarded plates and emptying the trash, to putting leftovers in the fridge and even washing the serving utensils and platters by hand.

    I do not like to participate for several reasons. One, I speak with Board members after the meetings because that’s an essential part of my job. I attend the meeting to do a scheduled presentation, and I often field individual questions from them or want to schedule meetings with them one on on. Two, practically I wear my nicest suits for these meetings and do not want to splash soapy water on my dry clean only clothes while handwashing at the sink (this has happened). Three, and I kind of hate to say this, but I feel that the Board members will not take me seriously if they see me as an assistant cleaning up.

    The 3 women who clean are all in their 50s and 60s. I’m half their age (early 30s). At the last Board meeting, I left about 10 minutes after it ended because I had another event to be at. I didn’t help clean. The next day, these 3 other women commented about me skipping out and not helping clean. I gently reminded them that, as I mentioned the night before, I had another event after the meeting.

    I understand its a long day when we work 9-5 then have a Board meeting 5:30-7:30 or 8 PM, and an extra set of hands helps with cleanup, but I really don’t like doing this. Is it too late? I’ve been at the organization 2 years, and I’m really fed up with it. Any suggestions?

    • Anonymous :

      I meant “Two, practically speaking, I wear my nicest suits”…wish there were an edit button!

    • tell them that as assistants, it’s their job to clean up, not yours. that’s ridiculous.

      • blunt, but this. When I started as the assistant, yes it was my job to clean up. When I got promoted and we hired a new assistant it was no longer my job and I only helped when I knew it was a big meeting with a lot of clean up. Now that we don’t technically have an assistant, we typically wait until we’re all done hob-nobbing with the board, and then clean up as a group (executive and program staff).

    • Yes. Hire staff to clean up. It ain’t their job either.

    • I work in finance. I am entry level financial analyst. After board meetings, I am expected to clean up along with my coworker (also a woman) and my boss (also a woman). Her boss and the other board members (majority male, only one other woman) do not help out in anyway. They stay and talk while we clean and then leave to do their own business. I deal with it but I know I was not hired to pick up dishes and put food on the table. They combine my role with an administrative assistant/busboy. At least the other woman also help.

    • We could be working at the same nonprofit. I am struggling with this as well, although both female directors and assistants are the ones cleaning up. The only way I have avoided clean up duty is to have a meeting directly after when I can duck out early or I strike up a conversation with a board member and walk them out to the lobby.

    • lucy stone :

      This is garbage. I’m on a few non profit boards and we clean up after ourselves at the meetings. Your board should be doing the same.

      • OP here: I agree. I also sit on 2 boards, and we clean up after ourselves.

        My employer’s Board is primarily male attorneys. Sigh.

    • Why are you not using disposable everything? Why is anyone doing dishes at the office after a long day of work?? If someone wants to save the leftovers for their person consumption, great, but otherwise toss them in the trash.

    • Why is everyone so super polite? I’m sorry but I’d just say – sorry I wasn’t hired to clean up, I barely do it at home, I’m certainly not doing it at work . . . . Too aggressive? If you want to soften it – add – I suggest we get disposable plates/glasses and then everyone can walk their own plate to the trash and the janitors can take it out when they get the trash.

      • Bad for the environment

        • Right and having the women do the dishes is MUCH better for workplace morale, than the harm caused by 7 paper plates some 80 yrs from now.

          I stand by my comment — I’d just give a look and say – I barely clean up at home, I’m not likely to do it here . . . .

          • Nope. 7 paper plates add up. It takes one drop of water at a time to fill the ocean.

          • Get off your high horse, and also, please be realistic. Plenty of places carry recycled, compostable paper goods now. The OP should volunteer to buy some of these environmentally friendly paper products (with company funds, of course) so there’s no need to do dishes after the meeting.

            OP,I worked in a non-profit and more so than any other place I’ve ever worked, there were these weird things people did for no good reason just because they’d always been done that way. Some of those things seemed to be kept around specifically so some people could feel like virtuous martyrs, sacrificing for the greater good. If you want the situation to change, you need to change it or it never will.

          • Delta Dawn :

            Workplace misogyny adds up, too.

          • Wildkitten :

            Y’all. Maybe it’s an *environmental* non-profit in which case aversion to paper plates would make sense?

        • In many areas of the US disposable plates are at least as good for the environment (depending on what kind you chose) than using water (and energy) doing dishes (again, depending on your dishes-doing habits).

          • Anonymous :

            There is literally nowhere that this is true. It takes energy, uses water and creates CO2 to cut down trees and/or reuse materials to create the paper plates which must then be trucked to the store.

            “Making enough paper for one plate also uses about 8 gallons of fresh water, which means your 10-plate dinner party uses 80 gallons, without washing a thing. Running the dishwasher for one load uses much less water, between six and 10 gallons.”


    • Stop having snacks.

    • You don’t need to justify or explain yourself. Just…leave when the meeting is over. It’s not your job, not your problem.

    • I would ignore the assistants and do whatever the men do when it’s cleanup time. For sure. What a ridiculous situation.

      • Also, I’ll tell you a story.

        My department used to have pot lucks for various holidays. We don’t all have the same reporting hierarchy, but we do have job rankings, and I’m the most senior person in this extended department, not just the most senior woman.

        All the assistants are female and they are the organizers of the potlucks. For the thanksgiving potluck a few years ago, two of the assistants came by my office and said “we put you down for the turkey. Can you make a turkey at home and bring it in?”

        I said, “What are the men doing?” The assistants said “they’re chipping in for pizza.” I said “I will do what they’re doing. How much do you want?”

        They were (and probably are) pretty annoyed with me but REALLY? I’m going to make a whole turkey and lug it into the office?

        • This is bonkers!

        • Minnie Beebe :

          I actually just gave some related advice to a group of younger women who are running a women’s committee here… the last meeting they held, they all baked homemade cookies for all attendees (mostly men) to eat at the meeting. I cautioned them to be really, really careful about taking on traditionally female duties at the women’s committee meetings– they should want the meeting to be remembered for the quality of the discussion and not their baking skills. I pointed out that no man would bake cookies for a meeting! Having cookies is not inherently a bad thing (I love to eat them, to which my waistline can attest) but for pete’s sake, just go buy some at the grocery store. The dynamic is completely different when you’re just opening a box from whole foods!

          A reasonably talented baker who NEVER brings baked goods to the office

        • Not a turkey - or a turkey-maker :

          Oh, for the love of…

          I don’t get this, I really don’t. At my last job,we had an admin that used to get up at 4 am on the days we’d have all-hands meetings and make homemade cinnamon rolls. It would have been a nice gesture, had it been done out of pure altruism. Instead, she used it as an opportunity to get attention and subtly shame the rest of us for not making similar gestures. She also used to go around making sure the men had refills on their coffee during breakfast and tsk-tsking when other women wouldn’t help her wait on the men. She was not old, either; this was a woman in her late 40s.

          Ladies, if we do not put a stop to this type of nonsense, it will continue indefinitely. OP, cleaning up after people is not your job; don’t continue to do it.

          • Never too many shoes... :

            This exactly.

            As for that turkey story…I literally can’t even.

  12. Anon for this :

    I have a question about settling/passion in relationships. I would say the vast majority of my long term relationships have been with lovely people but there’s not a lot of heat and passion. There’s definitely chemistry but it’s not like we’re ripping each other’s clothes off. Whereas, I’ve had casual partners and that’s definitely the case.

    for all the coupled ladies here, do I have to choose? I have a pretty high s3x drive and really enjoy it (I’ve broken up with guys before when the s3x isn’t great). But it just seems like the guys I meet who have the potential to be partners don’t light my fire…

    I’m interested in your thoughts on this!

    • Living on nonprofit salary :

      I struggle with the same thing. No advice. My FWB and I have crazy chemistry and wild s*x. With “real” relationships, it’s nice but I’m not super into it. I wonder if it’s my subconscious telling me that I’m not ready to settle down.

    • I had great s*x with a guy who was totally not good long term. I am now with someone that I really enjoy having s*x with but it is not nearly as passionate and often. I think the first guy, part of the reason why it is good is because you aren’t in a couple- no stability, so the tension of ‘when will we hang out next? what does he think of me?” feeds the feelings of excitement. I think over time it just isn’t as exciting either, and also the busier I am/the more exhausted I am the less I care about it being wildly passionate. I think it’s pretty rare to have it all.

      • +1. I posted yesterday about mediocre LGPs with my husband. I’ve never really done anything casual, but I think part of the reason it was so hot for us in the beginning was the whole “what does he think of me?” thing. Like, the relative emotional instability compared to now fed the excitement. Also, I think the lows were lower at the time too. If he didn’t want it, I’d feel rejected. Now it’s not a big deal. I guess I generally focus on what’s missing now, but the reality (for me anyway) is that part of what made it more exciting before is that I had less of an idea of what would happen next. That’s way less true when you’re in a committed relationship or married.

    • I’m kind of curious about this, too – especially for women who say there wasn’t a lot of chemistry with a partner, or there wasn’t at first. Was there at least conversational chemistry?

      • Ime yes, there has to be good rapport, but this is so individual. Think about your really good friendships. The first time you met, did you know you’d be good friends? Did you feel like you’d known each other forever? Or did it take some time to warm up? You’re you and you form connections the way you form them. Doesn’t really matter if it’s with a friend or a romantic partner.

        • I’ve experienced both in friendships, so… actually, that’s a helpful way of thinking about it. Thank you.

    • anon for this :

      I feel you. I posted on the weekend thread about the pros of singledom that I missed the sex I had with some of my exes. My DH is a wonderful partner in so many very important ways, but I’d give him a B in bed. It’s fine, everybody enjoys themselves and leaves happy, but it’s extremely vanilla and sometimes I get salty about the fact that my DH isn’t excited about trying new stuff. Come on dude, your hot AF wife is trying to be a non-frightening level of spicy–give me something to work with other than “Well, I guess we could try that, if you wanted to.”

      Whereas I have definitely had my share of spine-melting, insane, creative, A+ sex–but all of it was with guys who were wildly unsuitable in terms of geography, personality, values, communication, substance abuse problems, and/or ability to not commit felonies.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Your final paragraph is *hilarious* and rings mostly true.

      • +1 to your last paragraph. There is something about “bad boys.” (Of course, as I got older I realized that there were more important things that I wanted in a spouse and my husband is really good in bed, but there was something about those guys. . .)

        • For me, it’s that they really DGAF, which means I too DGAF, which is such a nice feeling and tends to make me much more relaxed….about everything.

      • + 1 to your last paragraph. hilarious and true in my case, anyway.

      • What was great about s*x with those guys? was it that you just felt a lot more attraction, or something more concrete like adventurousness and trying new things?

        • anon for this :

          I’m very attracted to my DH, and we had our share of fireworks back in the beginning. By now, he’s familiar–there’s no level of “oh wow, I get to have sex with this hot new guy!” It’s “cool, I get to have some sex with my husband, that will be very similar to the last four times we had sex and the next four times we have sex.” I’m the adventurous one in our relationship, and I wouldn’t consider myself out there at all; he’s happy to keep having the same sex. We did Mojo Upgrade together for Valentine’s, and there was literally one thing he wanted to try. One. Everything else was “Well, if you want to?”

          There’s also the level of DGAF that Anonymous at 11:17 mentioned. Do I care if the hot German guy I met in my hostel in Europe thinks I’m a whore because I talked dirty and we had sex in a semi-public place? Nope, never seeing him again, do not need to be able to look his mother in the eye at Thanksgiving, zero inhibitions.

          And I want to be clear, I love my DH, and having B sex was a compromise that I made with open eyes. It’s worth it to me for everything else that he brings to the table.

          • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

            Pretty much all of this. But I never really cared about sx that much to begin with. I do so many other things with my husband that are as much fun or more fun than having sx.

          • Anonymous :

            Today I Learned about Mojo Upgrade, which I will totally be taking with my husband ASAP! Thanks Anon!!

          • Just wanted to chime in to say, “This x 1,000”.

            There are so many things that I need to “be” for my husband that sometimes it’s hard to turn that part of my brain off and the “fun” part on. I also care a lot about my husband’s opinion of me. Whereas that super hot yet completely unsuitable guy you’ll never date for more than 8 weeks? You can be “fun” all the time.

    • You can have passionate s*x in your LTR, you just need to find the right person. It took me many men, after my divorce, to find the right balance of what I need in the bedroom and what I need “in the street” (for lack of a better term haha). I put myself in the category of very far off the edge of normal in the bedroom, but I’m a soccer mom and corporate gal on the outside.

    • My husband is a great partner and father but we also have great, rip-yer-clothes-off LGPs. It is possible to find both. Unless what turns your crank are bad boys, chronic responsibility-avoiders, married guys, or people who are otherwise bad for you – if that’s the case, I would think about why that is. Because bad/dangerous guys generally do not end up being great long-term partners.

      If sex is important to you, don’t compromise. I know a lot of miserable people in unhappy relationships that are unhappy because one partner isn’t getting their needs met. The big unspoken secret of my marriage is that our compatibility in the bedroom has carried us through a lot of tough times. S * x isn’t everything, but if it’s important to you,you probably won’t be happy settling for someone who is just okay at it.

      • Anon for this :

        OP here – thank you for this. I’ve never been in a super long-term relationship with kids but typically I’ve dated men with much lower drives than me and I think if it gets that boring/standard/infrequent 1 year or 2 in, I have no hope long-term. I’m still hoping to find both but I haven’t had much luck yet…

        Also thanks everyone else for all your comments and perspectives. I feel like this is not a topic I can crowd-source opinions on IRL so I appreciate this!

      • +1,000,000

    • I was a serial online dater and not necessarily the type to wait for the third date, so I had lots of experience to compare. My experience was that the best parties were indeed with non-suitable long term mates. I just enjoyed them for what they were.

      I met my husband on one of these dates and we had an immediate emotional connection. I was not a first date Frieda with him but I couldn’t contain myself on the third date so I led him to my bedroom and we had very… mediocre party time.

      However, as we continued to date, parties got better. Like, way better. Best of my life better. In hindsight, he was nervous and the third date was kind of early for him (I am such a ho!)

      We have been married now for a number of years and parties are less frequent (we have teenagers and extremely busy lives, and the usual marital spats interfere as well) but when we do get down to business it’s pretty decent for a couple of oldsters. When I get really mad at my husband and think about leaving him, it’s the physical that keeps me here. I’ve even said to him, if we ever got divorced, we’d be one of those divorced couples who falls into bed with each other all the time.

  13. Boxtox or not to boxtox :

    I’m 46 and been thinking about Botox for a few years. I have an 11 between my brows from concentrating — computer work, reading, and so in. I notice it’s there all the time and makes me look unfriendly. But I struggle with the notion of injecting poison into my face for appearances purposes.

    Can anyone here share their experiences and thoughts about Botox?

    • If you struggle with the notion of injecting poison into your face for appearance purposes, then don’t do it. You absolutely do not have to do it if you have any hesitations whatsoever.
      I don’t have these struggles, I do a lot of things for appearance purposes, Botox is just one of many such things. I am 32, I’ve been getting it done every 3-4 months since I turned 30. I absolutely love it and only wish I started earlier.

      • I’m 30. Can I ask, why did you start doing it so early? Do you have any deep wrinkles already? Or is it purely preventative?

        • No wrinkles, preventative.

        • Oh and by the way 30 is not early at all.

          • +1 – I’ve been doing it preventatively since my early 30s as well & it works best if you do that. I have very minimal lines and end up only needing to get botox about once a year. I think it’s a personal thing. For me, it’s bang for the buck – I care about how I look and I’m willing to spend some time and money on it. There is no cream out there that will do what Botox does. It’s also not “poison” – if you look into this, this a complete misnomer. It’s not for everyone though and I certainly don’t think anyone “needs” to do it, especially if it makes them uncomfortable for whatever reason. If it’s something that you want to do, it’s a safe way to get a great result quickly. And it’s pretty painless, too.

      • +1 Don’t try to convince yourself based on other people’s experiences if you don’t want to do it. Just because I love it, doesn’t mean you have to!

        I am 37 and have bad 11s and have for years. I have been doing Botox for three or so years now just in that area. I love it. I dye my hair, I wear make up, I work out, I wear clothes that are flattering . . . I do a lot of things that enhance my appearance. Botox is just another horse in the stable. However, you are of course free to borrow from Amy Pohler and say, “Good for her. Not for me!”

        • Boxtox or not to boxtox :

          Yep – I do these things too. But somehow the Botox makes me uncomfortable but yet I hate my elevens. Thanks for the feedback.

          • It’s a decent chunk of change to spend on something that makes you uncomfortable. Trust me, I hate my elevens too, so I get it. Maybe schedule a consult with a plastic surgeon who works with fillers and see if he/she has any other suggestions?

          • I use a magical infomercial product called Instantly Ageless (the only thing I have ever bought from an infomercial and only because they have youtube videos where you can literally see the stuff working, and it was on The Doctors (I know, I know)). I bought it for my undereye bags, which it eliminates (!), and I also put a dab on my 11 area. That being said, I don’t have full-on 11’s, just a small crease on one side. Anyway, the chemical is supposedly natural and it’s not permanent obviously. Maybe worth a shot.

          • Minnie Beebe :

            Supposed to be a comment for Anonymous at 11:14 am, but we can only comment a few levels deep, but is Instantly Ageless that stuff that gets dabbed on to some lady’s eye bags one one side, and then tightens everything up as it’s drying? Does it really and truly work? How much is it? Can you say what the chemical in it is?

        • +1 – you said what I was trying to.

        • Anonymous :

          It works really well for me, but some reviews are terrible so YMMV. I think I am probably a prime candidate because I have smooth, delicate skin. When I first put it on it literally makes my bags vanish and then within a few minutes, they settle back in a bit, but they are the eyebags of a 25 year old, not a 65 year old (I’m 37, with genetically awful bags). I don’t remember the name of the ingredient but it is apparently a natural paralytic. I think The Doctors episode (on youtube) talks about that. I get about 4 days out of one packet of the stuff, so it’s not expensive at all.

    • Botox Lover :

      If there’s something you don’t like about yourself, why wouldn’t you change it? Life is too short.

      I Botox every 3-4 months for the last 5 years. I am more confident and feel better with it, than without.

    • I’m 31 and got Botox for the first time about a month ago. I am a very expressive talker, and I move my eyebrows a lot, so I already had three significant horizontal lines all the way across my forehead. I had the same concerns as you– why am I putting poison in my face? And paying this much for it? Why aren’t women allowed to look old? Why do I feel like I have to do this? And I hated, hated the process. It didn’t hurt at all, but the whole time, I had this sick feeling in my stomach like something was wrong.

      But. Then. I realized how much better I felt about my forehead. They also injected the 11’s area, which I understand they have to do to keep everything equally distributed. I didn’t really worry about my 11’s but now notice they are also gone. My face looks SO MUCH BETTER. I no longer feel like I have to have bangs stretched across my forehead (“botox or bangs,” as I heard a friend once say).

      Anyway, I was concerned but now I love it. I’ll do it again.

    • I mean, who cares if you look unfriendly? If you want to try it, you can. It wears off and you move on with your life. You don’t *have* to do anything. It honestly annoys me that women have to look young and friendly but men are allowed to age. FOOEY.

      • Boxtox or not to boxtox :

        Yes — this is it! I keep thinking about my 3 year old niece and would I want her to feel bad about looking older when she is my age. I had my 11’s but the side effects of Botox scare me too.

        • I get botox for migraines and I honestly HATE that I cannot move my eyebrows. I miss having an expressive face. The injections are painful af, I don’t care what anyone says. I would never get them if I didn’t have a serious medical need for them. The effects do wear off (which equals more chronic migraines/tension headaches for me). But I think it’s also okay to be shallow. Do whatever makes you happy.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      I got Botox once. I felt like I couldn’t express myself the way I wanted because my face wouldn’t move the way it usually does. I am pretty laconic (understatement), and I learned the hard way that I use facial expressions a lot to communicate. I couldn’t express myself the way I wanted, and had to talk more, which I hate.

      It’s not for me, but I am glad I tried it to make sure.

    • I’m younger than you but don’t Botox for the same reason. (Just throwing it out there that not everyone does.)

      Semi-threadjacking: what I would love to do something about is the sagging around my nose and mouth (I’m a super expressive person too.) That’s not a Botox issue I don’t think; does anyone have any miracle anything for that?

  14. You have an easy out – you’re outside the room talking to the board members! Just go away after that. Honestly, I am an assistant, and I would never expect someone whose job indicated that she should be off interacting with the board to help with any cleanup. I think they just don’t see your true role, so you’ll have to enact it for them. “Sorry, I needed to follow up with Big Wig about XXX”. End of conversation.

  15. Canary Islands :

    DH and I are going to take a vacation in May/June and we’re thinking about Tenerife or Gran Canaria. Any advice on accommodation? Must see/do activities? TIA!

    • I love Tenerife but you need to realise them at the Canaries are not anything like North American typical holidays. The resorts can have a majority “tacky” feel but with some nice “classy” areas. It can only be 50 yards between nice areas and crappy areas.

      Also note that Gran Canaria is a less developed (but not necessarily in a good way) and some of the main resorts aren’t braw. But I will declare a love of (the classier areas of) Costa Adeje in Tenerife. From one hotel I like if you turn right you get to a “cheap and (not so) cheerful area whilst if you you turn left you get to a higher class area with designer shops and nice bars.

      Also, the star rating isn’t necessarily the same as in America. Don’t expect huge rooms etc.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Unrelated to hotels, but Thistle, I love the word “braw” and hardly ever hear it here in Toronto. When I lived in Aberdeen though…

      • Canary Islands :

        Thanks! I don’t really know what “some of the main resorts aren’t braw” means but I’ll check out the Costa Adeje area.

        • Never too many shoes... :

          It means like nice or good – ie. the resorts aren’t really fancy or well kept.

        • Oops. Braw is a Scottish word for good.

          If you are looking for quiet, 5 star then look at the Del Duque area. Avoid anything nearer the Bougainville Playa or San Euginio areas and be careful about some companies advertising remote places like Playa Pariso as Costa Adeje when they are really 15km down the road.

  16. Not Becky with the Good Hair :

    I’m adopting a dog soon (tomorrow!). She’s an owner surrender and I really don’t have much information about the dog’s likes / dislikes / habits. Anyone have any suggestions on how to make the dog’s transition to a new home as smooth as possible? I know it will be an adjustment for her, even coming from a home instead of a shelter. I’ll have the dog’s current food, but other than that, I’m looking for ideas.

    • If the dog has a bed/leash/toys or any other items that they are currently using, ask if you can keep those with the dog. It helps if something smells and feels familiar.

    • Be patient. It takes dogs a while to fully acclimate so she may not show her full personality at first. Allowing her some downtime and a safe space she can go when she needs a break can help her feel at ease. I also found that some dogs are site-specific for house training and that they don’t always transfer the rules to the new space. Until she adjusts to your entire house/apt as her den and knows not to soil it, she may have some accidents. I’d start slow with giving her freedom and pay attention to her signals (you may have to show her the door. get a bell to ring, etc). Enjoy your new pal!

      • In-House in Houston :

        Just be patient with her. It’s going to be adjustment for both of you. In general, praise her when she does something good…anything good. If you catch her doing something wrong, correct the behavior immediately otherwise she won’t understand and it’s just plain cruel. One thing that has really worked well for me is an empty water bottle with a few rocks or pennies in it. When you catch her doing something wrong, shake the heck out of it and it’ll make a serious noise that will scare the crap out of her. For my dog who barked at dogs on TV (even cartoon dogs….he’s that smart) all I do is reach for the bottle and he’s quiet. He’ll still run up to the TV, but he doesn’t go berserk.
        And bless you for adopting her. You are my hero.

    • This is probably a little goofy, but the day I brought my rescue dog home I actually took her shopping at the pet store. I laid out several bed options and let her “pick” which one she wanted by climbing into it. I did the same thing with a new toy. When we got home, she spent a lot of time in the bed and cuddling with the toy for the first few days while she got adjusted because she felt comfortable there and knew those things were “hers”.

      • This is so sweet!

      • Brunchaholic :

        This is impossibly adorable. You sound like a really kind person.

      • Anonymous :

        I did the same thing with the street dog who adopted me. She picked out a bone to chew one (which is how a lot of dogs deal with stress), a toy to play with, and a bed to sleep on. She was sort of terrified of the store because she had never been inside before, but one she figured out what we were buying she warmed up to the idea.

    • Can you take off a few days when you first get her?

    • Wildkitten :

      DAP (Dog Appeasing Pheremone). It doesn’t always work but it’s worth a try. Toys for her to chew. Kong stuffed with snacks. Variety of treats. Stuffed animal to snuggle and or chew. Towels for snuggling and also incidents. Nylabone dinosaur chews. Antlers. Yak milk chews. I’m so excited for you :-)

    • Not Becky with the Good Hair :

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I want to give her the best chance at being happy right away. I’m planning on working from home the first few days she’s home and I’ll be able to go home during lunch to check on her. Does anyone have one of those pet monitoring cameras? Is that over the top?
      I’m so excited to have a little wiggle butt boxer of my own!

      • I have a pet monitoring camera from Amazon and I love it! My brother got one too. Highly recommend for the peace of mind and under $100

      • In-House in Houston :

        Yes, I have the Petzi! It’s the best! You can talk to them and you can throw them a treat. If you happen to check on her and she’s being destructive you can stop her and throw her a treat to distract her, although you don’t want to reinforce bad behavior by giving her a treat. I got mine at Sam’s at Christmastime for $120. https://www.petzi.com//

      • AnonMidwest :

        What, You’re getting a boxer!!!! Yipee! rescue boxers are the best. In addition to the above recommendations, I’d suggest three types of toys, a ball, a stuffie and a rope type. Boxers tend to have some strong preferences and that will give your new pup a chance to find their favorite.
        I’d also add for your sanity – blankets, get all the blankets, paws, shedding fur, the occasional drool bubble. It helps with everything.

        • And a defurminator, since boxers are starting to shed winter fur. Moderately expensive, but so worth it.

          And maybe a harness, a regular leash, and an extendable leash.

          And fill the Kong full of peanut butter. Harder to get out than treats, and will take the boxer longer.

          Lifetime of boxers.

  17. Which menstrual cup do you use and why?

    This is not revolutionary technology….. so I should just get the cheapest, right?

    Anyone get more UTIs after they started using the cup?


    • I did get more UTIs and it’s why I stopped using the cup eventually. I had a DivaCup, but that wasn’t really out of choice – they were harder to find back in the day.

    • Diva cup. Just seemed like the best option for me after researching. They all have slightly different designs, so no, I wouldn’t just go with the cheapest. I did not get more UTIs after I started using – not sure why you would?

    • On that note, I got one several months ago (not the Diva Cup, something a little cheaper that I can’t recall the name of) and I sort of hate it. I like not being so wasteful and it’s more comfortable, but I find it leaks more often than not, no matter how I fold/put it in, and it’s very, very hard and messy to get it out. I’ve been trying to decide whether or not its worth it to try another cup, but I would be really annoyed if I bought another one and just had the same problems. Any thoughts or suggestions?

      • I think every person’s cycles are a bit different. For me, I have to wear my cup every day because I am on progresterone (acne) and so my periods are crazy unpredicatable with spotting all the time.

        So I wear it every day, and when my substantial bleeding starts, I wear a thin pad as well just in case of overflow. You will have to figure out how many times a day you need to empty during your heavy days, and it may just be that you need to empty a bit more frequently. It is also possible that one of the slightly larger cups may give you a better seal, with less leaking.

      • You need to try another cup. They are differently shaped and you can find one that works for your body.

      • Anonymous :

        You are not alone. I hated my Diva Cup too. I used it for a year before buying some tampons. It leaked no matter how I folded it, how I placed it, how many times I checked the seal with my finger, or how many times I rotated it. Even after trimming the stem as much as I could, it still hurt while it was in position.

        I chalked it up as a life lesson and was so relieved to switch back to tampons.

    • Diva Cup. I love mine so much. Used it for over 10 years now and haven’t had to buy tampons once. I’m not prone to UTIs and I haven’t had any while using the cup. I’m not sure why you think the cup would cause UTIs?

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Diva Cup and I love it… for what it is. (Like, no period would be preferable, but if I have to get it, I’ll go diva cup all the way.) I get bizarrely bad cramps for like 3 minutes after insertion, but then I can forget about it for hours.

      I am very prone to UTIs, but as long as I stay hydrated it’s no problem with the diva cup. I guess I could imagine it being a problem if it’s somehow putting weird pressure on something? I don’t know, but in my experience that hasn’t been a problem.

    • Wildkitten :


    • I am pro Diva Cup (and like commenters above say, they are not all the same). I bought one 10 years ago and have never looked back, and yes, I literally still have this same one. In my experience, they have never leaked if used properly and I don’t have to worry about TSS if I leave it in all day.

    • Softcup, the disposable ones.

    • Don’t remember what brand, but I’ve been using it for about 5 years and I’ve never had a UTI. Wish I started with the cup earlier.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I dove right in with the Diva and it was super uncomfortable for me. Not flexible enough and too big even though I got the one for people who haven’t had kids. That scared me off for awhile but when I tried again I did some research and picked a smaller, more flexible cup. I got one from Intimacy. It is the one that folds up like one of those steel travel cups for camping. Once I found that one I haven’t looked back. Definitely do some research on what you think you might need.

    • Diva cup, no UTIs. When I go to the bathroom, I pee, dump the cup, and then pee a little more to make sure I’m 100% empty. I also go to the bathroom frequently in between, and always wash my hands before removing it.

    • Lena cup. Once I got the hang of it, I loved it. Can’t imagine going back to tampons. I have never gotten a UTI while using the cup.

  18. In house at small company :

    I’m going out to lunch with my boss today. He is retiring at the end of the year. I have absolutely no idea whether there is an expectation that I apply for his job when he retires or whether I would look silly doing so. I know that my colleague who has a few (maybe 5) more years of experience is going to throw her hat in the ring. Any ideas on how to ask what the expectation is without seeming overly aggressive, completely out-of-touch or naive?

    • Can you ask generally what the company’s succession plan is for his role?

    • Why not just flat out ask? “Hey, so can I get your opinion on something? Do you think it would be reasonable for me to throw my hat in the ring for your role once you’ve retired? ” And go from there. You might get some insider knowledge about their thought process for hiring his replacement.

  19. Romantic regimes :

    I read a fascinating column on NYTimes about ‘romantic regimes’ and cultural differences between different various regimes. (I dislike the authoritarian overtones of the word ‘regime,’ but I’ll adopt the author’s use of the word.)

    What kind of regime do you live by (or under)?

    Link to follow

    • Romantic regimes :


      • Wildkitten :

        Regime of choice when I’m single. Regime of covenant when I’m not.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I’m Regime of Covenants all the way. Which explains why I lasted 15 miserable years with a malignant narcissist. I wasn’t going to quit. But as Dr. Shrink once so astutely observed, the problem was I thought I was playing doubles with him and he thought he was playing singles against me. Regime of Covenants only works if both parties exercise good faith and fair dealing, as it were.

        I do think you have to exercise some Regime of Choice behavior in order to find a partner with whom to have a Regime of Covenants relationship. Because you have to be sure you end up with a partner who has that “we” consciousness.

    • I’m just posting to note that I can’t easily think of anyone less qualified than David Brooks to pontificate on this subject. Dude needs to stop working out his own issues in a national publication – it’s not entertaining, and it’s also not good advice.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 I didn’t think it was possible for him to be more obnoxious but the election has given him a second wind.

        Incidentally, on Match.com in my area there is an active profile with his picture. Cracks me up every time.

  20. I’m helping a friend with her local city council re-election campaign. A community member, a man neither of us know, seems somewhat obsessed with trashing her. She got divorced recently and struggled to pay her mortgage because she kept the house in the divorce, and her business wasn’t going that great due to the stress (I imagine). A legal notice was published, but she cured the foreclosure, got more business, and is doing ok now.

    This random man is obsessed with “proving” she lost her house. In which she still lives. He’s called her cell, texted her, and FBed her. She’s blocked him because he was completely harassing her about how she’s unfit and irresponsible with her finances and thus a bad elected official.

    He’s written to the local paper, which has interviewed my friend and decided not to write a story about her. He constantly comments about her on the local paper’s FB and comments section. She is somewhat frightened about the level of obsession especially given that the pre-foreclosure notice was published last summer.

    I looked this man up and found that multiple creditors have sued this man for debt. Additionally, he was actually killed someone while drunk driving nearly 20 years ago. I’ve suggested that my friend confront him, except in what venue? Online? Post screenshots of his own consumer debt issues as well as the news article about this accident? Call him up and say stop harassing her or she’ll write to the paper herself about the harassment with his own history?

    Her strategy thus far has been block and ignore,w hich only seems to have escalated in that he’s now constantly writing about her in public forums (believe me…this “friend” isn’t actually me. I wouldn’t want to be a local politician after seeing the pettiness involved!)

    • I can’t see confrontation being useful in any way. I think she should continue to ignore him. The minute he knows he’s got her (by her confronting him), it will escalate even more.

      • To add, I doubt he cares at all what people think of him and therefore, exposing whatever skeletons he has in his closet won’t do anything but ramp him up even more. Internet comments are always nasty – I’m not saying it’s correct, but I don’t think that engaging with him will making anything better. I want to say she should go to the police, but I am not sure if there is anything actionable here.

      • +1

        I understand your friend’s concern with this level of obsession, but it doesn’t seem to be getting him anywhere. The local paper doesn’t see a story there. If she were to get into a fight with him online, I rather think they might start seeing a story.

    • Don’t confront – it could be dangerous for your friend and would feed into this RL troll. You could absolutely make sure local police are aware of it, if it starts to look like stalking or more than just an angry citizen making their opinions known, there could be other avenues to make it stop (not a lawyer, not sure what your local laws are). Since he’s a private citizen, you can’t exactly send out a flyer with all of this info, so I’d just sit on it.

    • First comment is stuck in moderation for some reason.

      Short answer: don’t confront, it could be dangerous & even if there isn’t anything the police could do, your friend should make them aware of it. Who know’s if this guy’s done this to other people and has a history of violence.

    • Totally agree not to confront. She is doing everything right.

      I am upset for her though. That’s really awful.

      Honestly, some days I really hate the internet. And smart phones, as I watch my 10 year old niece…..

    • If he’s calling her cell and texting her. I would contact the police and force them to take her report. Even if she can’t yet file a restraining order, its important to start building a record.

      This is harassment and she does not have to tolerate it.

      • This. Do not confront him, he will not stop, he will escalate. Involve the police and keep a record of every contact he makes with her.

        • AnonymousFriend :

          This. This situation is textbook from “the gift of fear” by Gavin whatshisname – Beck? de Beck? Carolyn Hax mentions this book a lot.
          Involve the authorities. Now.
          Do not confront AT ALL. Stay AWAY – online, in person be protected.

    • Jeez, I’m so sorry for your friend. I would be really scared if someone became obsessed with me like that. I agree that at this point it doesn’t sound smart or safe for her to confront him. I don’t know that there’s anything actionable here, but she might want to contact the local police department anyway and find out if there is anything that can be done. Perhaps right now it’s just documentation, but those sorts of things might be able to lead to an order of protection down the line.

      • Wildkitten :

        Definitely document, but be thoughtful about taking action. Women running for office can be portrayed as hysterical if they get restraining orders during campaigns (or even afterwards) because of the assumption that politicians should be responsive to their constituents and women should be nice to everyone.

        The patriarchy sucks but we haven’t smashed it yet, and winning elections is one of the good ways to get smashing.

    • Does she have any funds for a PR rep who can deal with responding to this guy’s comments?

  21. Sloan Sabbith :

    After the Incident that Shall Not Be Named, I brought my least-favorite pair of black pants to the office today.

    Might as well recognize that something will probably happen again…

  22. They go low, I go low :

    If it was me? I would create a fake Facebook account (using the excellent Reddit and 4 chan developed resources on how to do this safely) and every time this guy posts about my friend, I would post links to the information I’d found online about him. Ditto with comments on news sites. It’s not traceable back to either of your names and I bet he’ll stop, after his own dirty laundry gets aired.

    Come on, folks. If the presidential election taught us nothing,it taught us that these types of irrational harassers are not going away. Not responding doesn’t help or do anything. He will keep going after her and using her non-response as “proof” she did something she wants to hide. Once he sees some blowback, he may back off. But it can’t look like she’s the one fighting back – so use slimy tactics against slimy tactics. Sorry, but I’m done taking the high road against bottom-feeders. It hasn’t worked and it’s not going to.

    • +1 This isn’t even going low. Going low would be making up lies about him, or calling his employer to offer this information, or standing outside his kids’ school to yell that their dad is a murderer, etc. Obviously, don’t do that. But responding with facts (even anonymously), when he initiates a post? That is fighting back, but it’s hardly fighting dirty.

  23. Gail the Goldfish :

    New block of Hamilton tickets for NYC are on sale, for those looking. Finally got some of the cheaper mezzanine seats–it’s a random Wednesday 9 months from now and who knows if I’ll actually be able to go with work, but I am pretty confident I can resell these if I can’t.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Ha! You just gave me the best idea! Lovely Husband has a milestone birthday in late October and I think I will whisk him away to the Big Apple for the weekend featuring Hamilton! Thanks!

    • Thanks!! Is there an easier way to search besides checking each date individually?

    • Anonymous :

      ugh. there are literally no standard tickets left. why does this happen? isn’t there some way to prevent people from scalping tickets? like, can’t they just require you to show ID when you enter the theater? it’s so unfair.

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        If it turns out I can’t go, I’ll sell you mine for face value

        • Anonymous :

          did you buy the $200 kind? my email is lily gr becker @ google’s mail (no spaces). feel free to email me if you decide not to go!

          • Gail the Goldfish :

            Yes. They’re not until next January though, but I’ll hang on to your email just in case

    • Anonymous :

      THANK YOU!!!!!!

    • Anonymous :

      I wonder how many of the tickets were bought by people who are actually going to see the show, and how many were bought by scalpers. Arrrrrrrrrgh.

      Delayed response to the thread from the other day about what you miss most about being single: I miss being able to make a split-second decision to buy very expensive theater tickets without discussing the dates and the cost with my theater-hating husband.

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        I, uh, may not have discussed it with SO first and just impulsively bought them… But I’m calling them his birthday present, so that’s fine, right? (he is luckily not theater-hating, and I did tell him months ago “if a new block of tickets is released and I can get some, I am”)

  24. Legal Aid :

    Thanks for all the kind comments after my client was a misogynistic jerk on Friday.

    Our social worker talked to him today- social worker is a man, and the client told him how great and wonderful and amazing he is even though he said the EXACT SAME THINGS.

    I get called a c*nt and the guy gets told “Love you, brother.” Ain’t that the way it is. F sexism.

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