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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 188 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Stretch Twill/Leather Belt, Whisky

Coffee Break· Under $150

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Linea Pelle Stretch Twill/Leather Belt, Whisky Last Call has a ton of fun “statement” belts on sale, including this cool twill/leather belt. For once I love the brown version (although I'd probaby wear it with black anyway). It's marked to $40 today (was $52). Linea Pelle Stretch Twill/Leather Belt, Whisky (L-2)

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Comments

  2. just Karen

    DH and I are going to have three days together in San Francisco next week before a conference (we’ll have Monday through Wednesday). It is basically my only vacation this year, and I haven’t had time to do any planning. What are things we need to be sure to do/see/eat while we’re there? TIA!

    • Merabella

      I LOVE BiRite Creamery (Ice Cream in the Mission) and Zazie’s (brunch in the Haight) in SF. By far the best food I have ever had is from SF – definitely eat everything!

    • In the Pink

      Chinatown

      Alcatraz Boat Tour

      SAturday Market at the Pier (Boccalone there – great salted pig parts as they like to say)

    • R

      Touristy Things:

      Sears – famous for their swedish pancakes

      Eat somewhere random in Chinatown

      Walk up the crookedest street

      See the sea lions at Pier 39, and eat some seafood

      And to echo the above – lots of great food. Eat eat eat!

  3. FP Angie

    Need styling help! I just cleared out my closet (looks so good! feels so good!) and I decided to keep a denim (medium wash) pencil skirt. Should I keep or donate? Not sure how to style it, or if it’s something that’s hopelessly dated. Any suggestions?

    • LizNYC

      My 2 cents: I feel like denim skirts in this wash go in and out of style every 5(?) years, so it might be good that you hang on to it. Worse case scenario: when it comes back in style and you bring yours out again, if it looks dated, then you can get rid of it. I think something like this always works for a super casual weekend BBQ or trip to the park.

    • Ehh

      My first thought was that I had an above the knee pencil jean skirt in high school around 2002. I wouldn’t wear one today, I think they ARE dated… but! Like the above poster said, it could come back. Depends on how much you like it and if it’s a perfect fit, etc.

    • Marilla

      I actually just bought a new denim pencil skirt in dark wash – good for weekends and casual Fridays. I think they’re coming back in as I’m seeing them more frequently now. I wear mine with simple t-shirts or sweaters during cooler weather.

      • jcb

        Me too – just below the knee, dark/medium wash denim pencil skirt. I’ve worn it to work (we can wear jeans in my office), out to dinners and for casual weekend days, with heels, flats, sandals, flip-flops. It’s been a great staple this summer.

        • Marilla

          Mine is from Winners, which is a discount store like Marshalls (in Canada). It was about $25 and I found it totally by fluke as I usually never find anything in Winners – sorry that is not super helpful!

      • cbackson

        I wear a dark denim pencil skirt all the time. But it is a very fine denim, not a heavyweight one. I think a heavier one would still look cute on weekends with sweaters and boots in the fall!

    • Bonnie

      I have a denim skirt that I wear all the time. So long as it’s not acid washed, keep it.

    • Hel-lo

      Agree with the others. It may be out now, but it won’t be long until it’s back in. And it’s not bad for a summer casual look. (I’ve seen a few teenagers with denim skirts over leggings in the last few months, but I’m too mature to pull off that look.)

    • Monte

      Donate. I would donate a denim pencil skirt, and a medium wash denim skirt of any cut, so medium wash pencil skirt would definitely go.

  4. zora

    i was just looking at dresses on Last Call… but i never wear dresses in SF because I am always cold here! Someone make me stop buying dresses!

  5. Famouscait

    I have a question about the news for any of you lawyer ladies out there… I understand that the defense lawyers for Nidal Hassan asked (but were denied) to be removed from his case since he appears to be angling for the death penalty. How, exactly does this “violate of their professional rules of conduct”? That phrase has been used in several news pieces I’ve read, but I can’t find a clear statement as to specifically why the lawyers are so upset. Any insight would be appreciated!

    • LeChouette

      Because he’s basically committing suicide-by-justice system. Lawyers have duty to protect their client’s best interest and they likely feel that death is not in his best interest and that they are in ethical conflict with him as a result of his desire to actively endeavor to get the death penalty and their obligations to help him with a defense.

      • Famouscait

        So from a philosophical/ethical perspective, it really seems like there’s a catch-22 here. From one article: “Under military law, a judge can’t accept a guilty plea for charges that carry the death penalty.” So this guy may believe that he deserves to die or perhaps just wants to, but isn’t allowed to strive for that the way he can for a lesser penalty. This is a fascinatingly sad contradiction.

        Thanks, ladies, for your insights.

        • Criminal Lawyer

          There’s a lot of this backward-ness in death penalty cases. The weirdest ethical issues come up in death cases.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Also, most jurisdictions have a “get out” clause if an attorney cannot effectively represent a client’s interest. This type of clause can allow prosecutors and judges to recuse themselves from death penalty cases if they are opposed to the death penalty.

      The other thing about our professional rules is we are only allowed to withdraw from a case if it does not hurt our client’s interests. It is a difficult position to be in where remaining in the case and withdrawing late in the game both effectively hurt your client.

      The courts usually do not like to force an attorney/client relationship when one or the other is trying to withdraw. There are other ethics issues too. We aren’t allowed to stand idly by while our clients perjure themselves to our knowledge. But, we also aren’t supposed to jump up and down and say “judge, client is going to lie” either. So if we can’ t convince our client not to lie, and we know we aren’t allowed to stand there and watch him lie, we may try to withdraw without telling the court all the reasons why. In my jurisdiction a motion to withdraw that says something like “there has been an irreconcilable breakdown in the attorney client relationship” will usually get you out of a case without being forced to say what it is.

    • KLG

      Rules of profressional conduct vary slightly from state to state, but I assume it probably has to do with their client angling for the death penalty. Rules of professional responsibility usually involve doing what your client wants unless it is illegal or unehtical and also zealously representing your client within the bounds of legal and ethical obligations. In this case, their client is not cooperating with them and is basically trying to get the death penalty so in order to follow his wishes, they have to kind of torpedo his case and not present any mitigating evidence or alternative theories, etc.

  6. BB

    Random Monday afternoon laugh: I got the following link in my Shop It To Me email today, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a model look so annoyed in a catalog shoot. Although, I guess if I were wearing something that made me look that unbelievably frumpy, I’d be annoyed too! (Link below)

  7. Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

    So the guy and I broke up last night. Is it weird that I’m 25% sad and 75% relived? I should have ended this a long time ago apparently.

    • Anonymous

      Is this a new guy? Or the one that broke up before? Either way, Im sorry for the sad part, but if you are that relieved it is surely for the best. Onward and upward!

    • emeralds

      I felt like this after breaking up with my most recent boyfriend. It’s completely fine to be relieved, and I think that’s how you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you made the right choice (not to say that everyone has to feel that way). Breakups suck and are hard, but that doesn’t mean that there’s some script you have to follow where you must be at least 50% sad about it.

    • k-padi

      I’ve felt like that before–I was literally crying from relief at the relationship finally being over. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

      I do it too, but try to avoid beating yourself up for not ending it sooner. I keep a mental list of reasons why I hadn’t ended it when I should have–wanting kids, wanting to be “done” with dating, fear of losing our community of friends, I was following advice to settle with Mr. Good Enough instead of Mr. Right, etc.

    • Ellen

      This is the way I felt with Alan. Releived that it was over, but sad that I did NOT have a boyfreind any more. Don’t worry, tho, there will be another man for all of us, me, a Barshevsky, and you, a Frankenweather, both honorable name’s.

      I have figured out that there is no MR. Right, but I do NOT want a Mr. Right Now, either, b/c they just want for me to take my clothe’s off, and when I do, they are out the door after sex, and will NOT marry me. Even Mr. Sheketovits, who professed his LOVE for me, just wanted me for sex. FOOEY on Mr. Sheketovits! I hope his new girlfreind is on to him, b/c she may be giving him good sex thinkeing that he will MARRY her, but trust me, he will NOT, onley find another woman to have sex with afterward once the current girlfreind wants to get MARRIED.

      Wait for a decent guy to show up, and do NOT worry about it. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and even tho alot of them smell a little, you can find a fresh one that will not stink. YAY!!!!

      • DC Summer

        “There are plenty of fish in the sea, and even tho alot of them smell a little, you can find a fresh one that will not stink. YAY!!!!”

        lolololol

          • cbackson

            Yeah, she has her moments. Post-Hurricane Sandy, her posts were all subtly informative with regard to where you could donate/volunteer for hurricane relief. Let it never be asserted that Ellen does not TOTALLY HEART NYC.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

      Thanks ladies (especially, oddly enough, Ellen). It was the same guy. We were trying to work on our stuff, but we came to the conclusion that we want different things.

    • Jordan

      Dan Savage: DTMFA and go date one of the other 5 billion men on the planet. But I was really sad for about 5 weeks. You are not those feelings. You will be okay.

    • Veronique

      Not weird at all. I stayed with my first love long past our expiration date and, after the initial rush of anger, the major emotion that I felt after I found out that he was cheating on me was relief.

  8. First home

    Hi all,

    So, my SO and I are discussing buying our first home together, and we have heard some positives about using a credit union for the mortgage (and first off, going to them to try getting pre-approved before we serious begin the home hunt). One of the local credit unions (in Chicago) says that membership won’t be a problem for those looking to buy in the area. I was wondering if any of you have any experiences with credit unions, good, bad, and helpful, to share?

    TIA!

    • Not a lawyer but...

      am curious — what are your legal rights if you and your SO buy this place and then you two break up?

      Dealing w/real estate is often a thorny issue for divorcing couples. I don’t know if it’s more difficult if a couple is married vs not-married.

      But my bigger point is, I’d be cautious about buying a property with someone I wasn’t married to (or had the equivalent commitment with, even w/o all the legal paperwork.)

      • Anonymous

        Her legal rights are that she’s co-owner of a property. I’m not sure what your question is . . . one can own property with people that they are not even in any sort of romantic relationship with. You have a deed to the property and a co-obligation to pay a mortgage.

        • mascot

          The concern is still valid though. Yes you are co-owners of the real estate, but that doesn’t necessarily contemplate joint ownership of the contents, it doesn’t contemplate who paid for the bulk of the downpayment, that sort of thing. It’s worth having some agreements in place in the event of dissolution.

        • Anonymous

          it is waaaay more of a pain to be an unmarried co-owner of a house than to be a married owner. A marriage means a divorce is necessary to get out of it. That means a court looks at all the financial aspects of the marriage- assets, vacation homes, regular home, who makes more, who paid more, who paid the utilities, etc. The absolute worst breakups I have seen have been the unmarried house owners. Worse than my friends who divorced. (Just talking about financial aspects, not the emotional tolls of divorce and breakups)

        • Anon atty

          One thing is that a co-tenant’s legal heirs are the co-tenant’s next of kin. I wouldn’t want to co-own my house with my partner’s mother and/or sisters if something were to happen to him. I’m sure he feels the same way. Can you (if that is what you wish) own as joint tenants with right of survivorship?

          My neighbor had to buy out his partner when they split up. Luckily, he could afford to even with declining property values. Not sure that egalitarian earners could afford to do this.

        • Not a lawyer but...

          The question seems pretty straight forward. What’s not clear is why there’s an undercurrent of offense or huffiness in your reply.

          There are differing legal rights for people who are married vs not-married. I don’t love that myself, but they exist and should be considered in the decision whether to buy a property w/an SO. I’m not trying to cast judgment on the OP for not being married, just raising another angle for her to consider.

    • k-padi

      I wouldn’t tie myself to using a credit union for a mortgage. I used to be a member of a credit union and I am a member of a small, private bank. I bought and refi-ed my house and, for both, I ended up using a mortgage broker to get the best rate, lowest closing costs, etc. The bank and the CU were about the same in terms of rate, fees, etc. but the broker had far better deals.

      I left the credit union mostly because I didn’t need those accounts anymore after breaking up with a live-in boyfriend. I chose to go solely with my bank instead of the credit union because the bank was lower drama. During the recession, my bank got bought up twice and ultimately bought itself back with 3 tiny news releases on their website. My credit union not only bombarded me with almost daily emails and offers (“Buy a house!” “Buy a car!” “Open a small business!”), they also tried to convert itself into a bank, requiring a member vote. Ultimately, all I had to do was vote and send in my ballot but there was a whole grass-roots campaign with its own emails and pages of reading and a website and news articles. It was just sooo much drama.

      • Wannabe Runner

        I have an account at a credit union, not a mortgage though. They’re pretty much like a bank, except there are restrictions on who can be a “member” i.e., customer, they have some different restrictions about their ownership, and they have different regulations on what they need to do to support the local community. For my CU, you only have to be a resident of my state to be a “member.”

        But I like it as well as other banks I’ve had personal accounts with…

    • mascot

      I have an account at a credit union, not a mortgage though. They’re pretty much like a bank, except there are restrictions on who can be a “member” i.e., customer, they have some different restrictions about their ownership, and they have different regulations on what they need to do to support the local community. For my CU, you only have to be a resident of my state to be a “member.”

      But I like it as well as other banks I’ve had personal accounts with…

    • Susie

      I was not a member of a CU when I buying my house, but ended up getting my mortgage through one. This was because my county had a middle income downpayment assistance program, and order to take advantage you had to go through the CU. I didn’t notice any difference whatsoever between that and a bank, in face I still don’t know what the difference is. I think when I got the mortgage they linked it to a no fee checking account which I never funded.

    • eek

      They can be good, but look at all your options, fees, and see if either of you qualifies for special programs. It’s really common for mortgages to get sold, so if it’s important to you that your mortgage not get sold then make sure you have a clear answer on that. My mortgage has been sold 4 times and the first time it was sold was such a PITA because GMAC reported me as being delinquent (2 months after date of sale) even though I had the paperwork stating that my loan was sold and the account was paid in full. Now, I am with Bank of America and they both own and service my loan. They just knocked off 2% off my interest rate, so I can’t complain :)

  10. Anon

    Just found out that one of my secretaries (we’re in a center/pool system) is being laid off. It’s so awkward – I don’t know what to say or do. I will also be transitioning to a new secretary (who I will share with 3 other attorneys, no more pool) and am looking for advice in how to make that a smooth transition.

    • TBK

      Tell her you’re sorry to hear she’s leaving (but don’t sound pitying — the tone should be more like you’d use if you’d heard she was leaving for another job) and, if you can honestly provide a good one, offer to be a reference for her. Again, if you think she’s good at her job, think if there’s anyone you know who might be a good lead for her and offer to put her in touch. This is a bit different if she’s being let go for performance reasons, but given the restructuring of your secretarial system it sounds like this might be purely economic? Even if it’s a true lay off (and not a firing) she may feel like people don’t like her or think she’s bad at her job. If you think she’s done good work, I’m sure offering to help with the job search (by being a reference and by introducing her to your contacts) will help her feel better about herself.

  11. Anonymous

    What does the hive think about wearing anklets at the office? Like a thin gold or silver plain chain?

    • Susie

      I don’t think they’re part of formal work apparel, though personally I don’t wear anklets anywhere.

    • Anon

      I don’t think they’re part of formal work apparel, though personally I don’t wear anklets anywhere.

    • Anonymous

      I wonder if these answers change if the anklet has cultural or religious significance (I’m thinking it’s maybe analogous to the situation where people have mentioned it’d be fine, even in conservative workplaces, for me to have a nose ring, because I’m Indian).

      To be honest, this wouldn’t bother me, though I can imagine it would look slightly out of place, especially with nylons/tights. But I don’t think it’s inherently unprofessional.

    • Senior Attorney

      I tend to think anklets look pretty déclassé. I wouldn’t wear one at the office unless the dress code were very casual indeed.

      • Anonymous

        so very casual = lower status? I am confused about the declasse word. (sorry english is not first for me)

        • emeralds

          No, very casual does not necessarily mean lower status. I understand Senior Attorney to have used déclassé to basically mean “cheap/low-class/unprofessional.” It’s not the word I would have chosen myself, but I think she was trying to say they’re the kind of thing that would be okay in high school or college, but not for a professional woman working in a business-casual or business-formal environment. And FWIW, workplaces can definitely have very casual dress codes, but still be high in status, like Google or other Silicone Valley-type tech places.

        • Taylor

          I remember when everyone wore them all the time, underneath the nylons. Outdated, maybe but not cheap or low class. :(

      • Ugh

        Even if the dress code were casual, it looks very Jersey Shore. I know because I grew up there and have taken pains to avoid looking like Snooki at the office.

        • Anonymous

          Do you look like Snookie out of the office? I feel like one doesn’t accidentally look like Snookie, the giant hair and orange glow with crap tons of makeup is clearly a cultivated look.

          • Not a lawyer but...

            Yes, but the point is not what people look like outside the office. People can look however they want outside the office.

            To the earlier poster’s point, it’s exactly what Snookie would do if she was going to an office. I can imagine her keeping the hair a little more controlled, and plastering less makeup on, but still getting the dress code wrong by wearing a skirt suit with an anklet. They just look out of place in an office setting.

        • Nordies

          In light of the comments suggesting that anklets are passé, I would like to say that I believe they are coming back in trend. Or at least, some people are trying to make them trendy again. However, this is not a look I will be sporting anytime soon and definitely not at the office.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      A little kid in my neighborhood made me this cute pink and purple anklet with elastics. I completely forgot I had it on (I wear it to walk my dog in the morning because he is outside waiting for the camp bus and gets excited if I have it on). I got into work and was standing in my boss’ office and I kept seeing him glance at my ankle. I was wearing a dress, pumps and blazer and had totally forgot about the anklet! I pulled it off and said I had forgot I was wearing it from the morning. He laughed and said “well it matched your outfit so I thought it was intentional but a rather odd choice.” We then moved on. Point being, male boss noticed and was distracted by my anklet. Albeit, purple and pink and made of elastics.

  12. Susie

    This is the second time I tried to order from macys dot com and both times my order was cancelled because they claim they couldn’t verify all my information. Then I have to call them up and confirm the information (which was correct all along) and then they rebook the order, causing a second hold on my credit card. So annoying!! I may just give up on them.

    But I found this blazer http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/kasper-petite-jacket-seamed-waist-blazer?ID=896036&upc_ID=31476760&Quantity=1&seqNo=1&EXTRA_PARAMETER=BAG, and I love the defined waist I can’t seem to find very often. I’m not sure how versatile the chocolate color will be, has anyone seen a similar style elsewhere?

  13. Famouscait

    Help! Need some internal-job-politicing advice:

    I just found out that I have a half day (8am – 1pm ish) interview set-up for an internal job opening. Yay!! I think this confirms that I’m the frontrunner for the position, based on how my org interviews/hires. However, my boss doesn’t know I’ve applied for this job, and I really don’t want to tell him before I have accepted an offer. Complicating matters:

    – Our VP knows I’ve applied, because he encouraged me to. Again, my boss doesn’t know this.
    – My co-worker just moved to a different internal position less than a month ago, so my move would leave my boss w/o a team.
    – My potential new boss works somewhat closely with my now boss, and we all work within the same suite. New boss agreed I could tell now boss “when the time was right” or some such vagueness.

    When my coworker left, our boss told her that he would have liked to have known in advance that she was interviewing (of course). But this was more for his best interests, not hers…What to do? And if I don’t tell, what in the world do I ask for a half day off for, when I have a legit doctor’s appointment the next afternoon?

    • Anon

      Go on the interview and say that you have an appointment that morning. Does anyone really pry into why?

      • Famouscait

        Unfortunately, they do pry. And I’m already freaked out about the doctor’s appointment, as it’s my first OB visit…

        • Senior Attorney

          I would consider changing the first OB visit to the afternoon of the interview and taking the whole day off.

          • Famouscait

            Great minds think alike, but the office didn’t have any availability.

        • TBK

          What about asking for the time “to deal with some personal issues”? Would your boss pry into that? And if your boss did pry, what if you said “I’d prefer not to discuss it at this time”?

    • Wannabe Runner

      Of course your boss would like to know if you’re interviewing.

      But that does not mean you need to tell him.

      • R

        Seconding this. Just because your boss wants to know, you do not need to tell him. He would not tell you about confidential layoff discussions.

        My general feeling is that you have to own your career and make the best moves for your future, just as any company would make the best moves for its future. Your career decisions should not be impacted by a coworker’s career decisions or timing.

  14. Anne Shirley

    Fingerlakes or Hudson Valley for Labor Day? Coming from NYC, priorities are relaxing, pool, nature, and good food. Or other good destinations?

    • B

      Fingerlakes had great food. It’s a bit further up, but I really enjoyed it.

      I also liked the Catskills for the relaxation w/ half the distance.

  15. Jeans Help

    After two years of avoiding it, I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to do some major jean shopping. I hate shopping for jeans even more than bathing suits. I just find all of the different cuts, washes, rises, etc so difficult to make sense of online and i really hate in-person shopping.

    Ideally I would love two pairs of jeans – 1 pair of black jeggings/skinny jeans and 1 pair of med or dark wash straight or wide leg jeans. I’d like both to be 33″ ish long and medium rise. I am a size 8 and pretty straight up and down. Hopefully each would be less than $100 but I would be willing to pay a bit more if they were truly amazing.

    Any ideas on where to find these magical jeans?? I am open to ordering a bunch online or spending a day traipsing around a mall (live in a major city near all the stores) but would appreciate some guidance on how to approach this hunt. thanks!

    • eek

      Where do you live? If you’re in DC, I had a good experience at the Denim Bar (I’m pretty sure I had to pay for the alterations). I just went in and said exactly what I was looking for and they brought me a bunch to try on. I believe Nordstrom does free alterations on full-priced jeans but I don’t know if that’s just limited to the length only.

      • Jeans Help

        I am in Philly but do travel to DC periodically. This store concept seems exactly what I am looking for. Anyone know of anything similar in the Philly region?

        • Cat

          have you tried Charlie’s jeans (I think they have two locations now – one in Old City and one more Center City)? A friend claimed she walked in, they looked at her and brought her two perfect pairs.

          • Jeans Help

            I’ve walked by their locations a million times but have never ventured in. I’ll have to check them out after work one day.

          • anon

            When I lived in Philly, I went to Charlie’s for this exact reason. And if you can get out to the burbs, I would recommend a day at the KOP mall – Express (surprisingly good jeans), Levi’s, Nordstrom, Lord & Taylor, Loft.

            I got a pair of skinny Calvin Klein jeggings that I love in theory, but in practice, they are now more gray than black. I also have a pair from Target that I love that are pull on (shh, don’t tell anyone!).

    • k-padi

      Agreed re: jeans shopping. There’s too many choices!

      Honestly, this is the kind of thing I would use a personal shopper (many places offer them for free) or just walk in, find a salesperson who knows what they are doing, and be upfront: “I’m going to buy 2 pairs of jeans today. Will you help me?” I had good luck years ago doing this at a Lucky Store but now my stylist at Nordie’s makes sure I have nice jeans.

      • Jeans Help

        I shop Nordie’s a lot online but I can’t deal with how their stores are laid out by like “style zones” or some other classification system I can never quite grasp. I think I might have to break down and try one of their personal shoppers.

      • Katie

        +1 for Nordstrom. I hate jeans shopping, too, and with their help, I walked out in 30 mins with two great pairs of jeans for about what I would have paid at the Gap ($60 each).

    • Bonnie

      I love Joe’s jeans, straight leg and honey cuts. If you have a last call near you, they normally have hem in your budget.

    • Wannabe Runner

      Honestly, I love Gap jeans.

      I find that limiting myself to the changing styles and washes at Gap makes jean shopping so much less overwhelming. Knowing that I’m going to go try on jeans, and Gap is the only place I’m going, make it palatable.

      If there’s any you like in the store but they don’t have the wash/cut you want, they can order it online for you.

  16. Anon

    My husband’s best friend died this weekend from an apparent overdose. Does anyone have some suggestions or resources for me to help him get through this? He does have an EAP and I’ve encouraged him to talk to someone about this, but I’d appreciate any thoughts on helping him cope on a day to day basis. Thanks much for any help.

    • k-padi

      It might be too soon to talk about it. When my best friend died, I was in shock for over 6 months.

      Everyone grieves differently. For now, take his lead and let him grieve. Grief came in waves for me so one minute I would be fine and the next I’d be a complete mess. It manifests itself weirdly–so expect requests that seem random. Over the next few weeks, plan some activities out of the house to help him return to “normal.”

      • Anon in NYC

        +1. I’d also think about how he handles other tough situations. Does he like to be left alone, does he lash out, does he like/hate physical affection when he’s upset, does he need time to process things, etc. This is obviously on a much bigger, more awful, scale, but I’d take general, broad cues from those situations.

        I’m so sorry.

    • Anonymous

      No real suggestions, but we lost a close relative this year the same way and it is so difficult so I just wanted to say how sorry I am. If your husband is comfortable with this, my one suggestion would be to be somewhat open with sharing the cause of death. We were in our family and we were surprised (although saddened) to hear how many people had similar stories. The people who have lost someone the same way are going to be the people who are most likely to give just the kind of support you need because they know what it’s like. It’s tempting to cover up something like this, but it can often be more helpful to be honest and get the support that comes with it.

    • Houston Attny

      I’m so sorry to hear this news. I know this must be shocking and I think recovering from the shock may take a bit of time.

    • Pregomama

      This may not be an issue since it was his BEST friend, but I know when one of my DH’s good friends died, I had to gently push him to actively grieve/participate in the mourning process. They had been close for years and Friend had just moved across the country so they didn’t really connect as often as they had previously. But an example was DH sort of closed off and didn’t think he “needed” to go to the service because it was 10 hours away. I told him I wanted to go (I did–but I also knew it would be good for him to go), but we could skip it if he wanted. He agreed to go, and was SO glad he did–he got to see friends and family and mourn together. It would have been too easy for him to compartmentalize and move on had he not gone down there.

      For your DH, I’d suggest getting him to participate or help the family in any way he feels comfortable.

    • Monte

      On the flip side of Pregomama’s comment, I don’t think there is nothing wrong with compartmentalizing and moving on if that is his MO. Not everyone needs to process and grieve the same way, and forcing someone to grieve in a particular way does that person a great disservice. If your husband is otherwise emotionally healthy, let him do what he needs to do, make it clear that you are available to talk and to find resources if necessary, and then back off. He may cycle through the stages of grief quickly (and more than once), get stuck on one, or realize he needs time to process on his own before he moves on. There is nothing wrong with any of those, so long as he is able to move through his day.

    • Anon (OP)

      Thank you all for your thoughts. I hadn’t thought of the time frame, or that he might not be ready to talk yet. He is quite involved with the family (and will be speaking at the funeral), but he has a lot of anger right now that I worry about. Thank you, also, for reminding me that he might seem/be fine at one point, but not the next. He usually is so strong, but every once in a while I realize he’s a delicate flower to be protected (not that I would ever tell him that, lol).

      I know I’m posting my thanks late, but I really appreciate what a caring and helpful community this is.

    • SA

      My bff was killed by a drunk driver. I didn’t want to talk about it either, I just needed my husband by my side being sad.

  17. Pregomama

    What to wear advice needed. I am almost 8 months pregnant. I work in a business casual sector, and my office is business casual. I also work from home a lot, so I have about 8 total maternity work outfits, all in various spectra of business casual– think wrap dresses, black trousers with short sleeve button downs/sweaters/dressy tunic type shirts. I did have to do a few client meetings while pregnant, but they were all back when I was able to wear a suit jacket unbuttoned.

    Back in June, I met someone a conference (dressed in said business casual maternity wear, actually), and he called me up afterward saying he was very impressed with me, and would I be interested in getting to know some of his colleagues (who are based in an office near me) to see if there would be a fit for me at the company. We chatted a bit about my maternity leave/ returning to work plans, and I let him know I had an interest in at least continuing to chat, but I would not be interested in or available to consider make a move until January or so (see: 8 months pregnant!).

    ANYWAY–all this to say, I have a lunch meeting set up with one of his direct reports tomorrow. I am just now realizing she may show up in a suit, but there is no way I’m running out tonight to buy a suit for this lunch. Our industry is “suits for Very Important Client Meetings and Interview Only,” and I’m banking on this being just a casual lunch meeting versus an outright interview. I’m certainly not bringing along a resume or anything–I mainly plan to spend my time interviewing HER about the company, since I’m not even sure I want to consider leaving my current role.

    Am I way off base here? Even if you were expecting me to show up in a full suit, think I could get a pass on a wrap dress and flats given the ENORMOUS belly and dazzling personality? (Especially since I apparently impressed her boss so much that he is making her come talk to me?)

    • Batgirl

      I personally think you can get away with anything you want at 8 months. If you have a black dress, that may look the most professional.

      • Pregomama

        I have a black dress, but it is the least professional (it’s a jersey material and well worn/washed). I was thinking either a wrap dress or black pants, a long black/white/red patterned shirt (has to be untucked) and a sweater/cardi. I like the pants idea because it makes the flats less of a cop-out…but I’m not too psyched about putting on heels in the 80 degrees and rain expected for tomorrow and traipsing around the city.

      • Hel-lo

        +1 to Batgirl. Wear what you have that is clean and looks ok. Flats are totally fine. No one ever dings a woman who is obviously very far along in her pregnancy for not wearing a suit.

    • Samantha

      I will cast a dissenting vote here and say that (1) it IS an interview, just in a lunch setting, and (2) when you are very pregnant and interviewing is when you want to look the most professional, to counteract the impressions people can tend to form based on your appearance. Even if you’re still trying to figure out if you’re interested, even if her boss almost came out and said he’d like to hire you, it’s still an interview.
      However, I’d hesitate to buy a suit too in your place. But is there any way that you can wear a blazer unbuttoned, with the black pants and flats? I know you said it’s late in the pregnancy, but the blazer need not be button-able, at all. A cardigan just looks more casual and especially if its drapey, emphasizes the belly more? Even a blazer with the wrap dress I think would give more structure and therefore more formality. And the flats are absolutely fine.

  18. Batgirl

    I may be too late for this, but has anyone tried Ipsy? What’d you think of the products?

    • lizm

      I get the GlamBag and it’s been great so far – I like it better than BirchBox because it comes in a reusable pouch every month which I get so much use out of, and usually comes with a full-sized product. Had to tweak my settings once or twice but getting a fun bag every month makes me really happy.

      • Charlie

        I’m late replying to your late question. I had ipsy for almost a year– I enjoyed it. I loved getting a bag each month and they bags have been so useful for keeping my growing collections of samples and make-up organized. You get more full size products than you do with birchbox. Some of the brands are ones I had never heard of and might be a little lower quality than birchbox/sephora level (but still above drugstore level), and many of the other products were bb/sephora level. I really enjoyed. I recently quit and I find I miss it and might have to re-subscribe.

  19. emeralds

    Is it insane that I’m thinking about getting a nose ring? I’d only wear a very small, simple diamond stud. I’m currently in grad school, and while I do have an internship, my office is very casual: jeans are fine for everyday wear, and while no one has a nose ring, there are plenty of extra earrings, and one (much) higher-level administrator has a wrist tattoo, which is usually hidden by long sleeves but peeps out occasionally. So I don’t think anyone at work would care. The earliest I could be job-searching would be the spring, but hopefully I’ll get an extension at my internship and be able to stay through 2014. So. Thoughts?

    • Pregomama

      What industry/ job type? Do you expect your post- grad school employer to be as casual as your internship?

      • emeralds

        Student affairs, on the more artsy-feelingsy side of things. The most formal it could ever go is business casual. Nice-casual seems much more the norm.

    • Anon

      Don’t do it, unless you want a permanent hole on the side of your nose that will look like an enlarged pore for the rest of your life.

        • emeralds

          I also want to know this! I’ve had a few friends cycle in and out of having nose rings, and none of them have ever mentioned that (and I haven’t noticed it on their faces either).

          • Brooklyn Paralegal

            This is not necessarily true. I took my nose ring out recently (about 2 weeks ago) after wearing it for over 2 years, and I can’t even notice the hole anymore, so I’m doubtful that anyone else can.

        • Joanna Toews

          I can. My nose ring hole hasn’t shrunk since I took it out almost a decade ago. It does indeed look like an enlarged pore… a barely noticeable enlarged pore.

          I’m thinking about getting it repierced, actually, since I work in a relatively permissive workplace.

      • Anonymous

        I had a nose ring for 8 years and I don’t have a hole. The nose ring has bern out for 7 years or so.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m jealous that you can even consider it. I really want one myself, but I work in various biglaw offices where I’m sure it wouldn’t fly (although technically I’m not an employee of the firms). If you think it would be ok at your office then I say go for it! I know lots of people with them and honestly when it’s a tiny stud I didn’t usually notice it at first.

    • Monte

      I have/had one. I too have the never closing hole despite not wearing a ring for ages, but I don’t regret it, and will probably try to reinsert it soon. I wore it regularly through school and my BigLaw job (including interviews) and it wasn’t an issue — I stopped wearing it when I apparently developed a metal sensitivity that made it more of a pain than it was worth. But the small stud was never an issue at my job, and like I said, I hope to find something that works relatively soon. You can take it out if it stinks, and at worse you have a small hole no one will ever care about.

  20. Thankful for internet anonymity

    It might be too late in the day to do this. I wasn’t planning on it but I’m reaching the end of my rope. Shortest version: I posted about 2 weeks ago about the end of my live-together relationship. Three days after, there was a death in my family. SO came to help out but wasn’t really all that great, which sealed the deal for me and the breakup is back on (Friends reference). SO wants to get me back – which won’t happen, but its messy and we’re still living together. In an act of drunken weakness I saw an ex this weekend. He’s been chasing me for years and it seemed there was always this connection (I’ve posted about this before too), and one that got away-ness, on both our sides. 2 days later, Ex contacts me to tell me he’s not ready for this (hello, neither am I, ex-SO is still living in my apartment). Even though I feel similarly, it’s still a sucker punch and I feel terrible. What were the last years of chasing me?? I felt so terrible I led my ex-SO on a little and gave him some false hope. And now I feel more terrible – he doesn’t deserve that. I also saw an old flame (and just friend) for lunch and felt better about myself. What is wrong with me?? I have never thought of myself as someone who measures myself on mens’ opinions. I hate myself right now. Work is insane right now, I can’t leave, and I just can’t keep it together anymore. Between the exes, the mourning, and work. I’m really losing it in the office right now. I don’t know what to do.

    • HappyHoya

      I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that will really help you feel better, but I am sorry to hear about the death in your family and all the additional stresses you’re going through right now. Try to cut yourself some slack while you’re processing all these emotions.

      • Not a lawyer but...

        THIS. Definitely cut yourself some slack. You’re under a tremendous amount of pressure from all directions.

        I just hope you have a quiet space, some oasis away from your ex-SO, away from demanding coworkers, and away from everyone who wants something from you, so you can just regroup and process everything in peace.

    • Anon in NYC

      Hugs. You’ve had a lot of emotional upheaval in a few weeks.

      1. Can you leave the office now? Go home, go to a girlfriend’s, go to your parents, get a hotel room. Wherever, just avoid the live-in ex and any other exes. Cry your eyes out, watch bad tv, eat ice cream for dinner. Actually, a hotel room sounds really awesome. You can soak in a hot tub, get room service, and not have to think or talk to anyone.

      2. You are not defining yourself by what other men think of you. You are under a lot of stress right now and are trying to find comfort by feeling wanted. This is normal. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

      3. What you really need right now is some rest. A good night’s sleep and some relaxation will do wonders.

    • cbackson

      You’re reeling and you’re not yourself. Release the need to judge yourself right now. It sounds to me that what you need is time for some self-care (I hate that phrase, but it’s sometimes appropriate). Is there something that always – always – makes you feel good? Time with a particular friend, a special activity, a movie, a restaurant? You need to nurture yourself and get back to you.

  21. Potential Marathoner

    I have a question for those of you that do any sport that requires a lot of time to train- I really want to run a marathon. I’ve done a few half marathons, and I’ve found the training to be relatively time consuming, and it seems like a marathon would obviously be even more so, which is deterring me a little bit. How do you balance achieveing your athletic/sport goals with working long hours?

    • anon

      I ran a marathon as a second year associate. What really helped me was being in decent shape when I began the training – it is time consuming, but it was especially helpful not to be completely destroyed by the long runs on the weekends. Since you’ve already done a few half marathons, you know how your body is after double-digit runs. I followed Hal Higdon’s novice full marathon plan and it worked really well for me – I just always planned to be running on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I fell into a rhythm pretty easily, and the midweek runs did not take up that much time. It was also not a big deal to miss one of the midweek runs from time to time. You can totally do it if you want to!

    • Cornellian

      I guess I thought making the jump from half to full marathon would be easier than it was. I guess I basically just imagined upping the mileage on my long weekend runs and leaving the rest the same. That doesn’t work. Your overall mileage on other days needs to go up as well, or your long day will never get easier, in my experience.

      I think how workable a marathon is with your job is in part dependent on how you respond to really long runs. I got to the point where I could do a 10 or 12 mile run and have a pretty normal day, but I never really got to the point where a 15 mile run wouldn’t wipe me out for all of Saturday or Sunday. Since I use weekends to catch up on non-work things if I’m nto at work, it would be really hard to lose those hours. If you have an easier time after long runs, though, it may be easier for you.

      Another idea: cruise trail running boards for distance training ideas. Ultramarathoners have packing miles in down to an art. I had success doing two long days back to back on weekends (Maybe 15 road on Saturday and 5-8 trail on Sunday morning). It wipes your weekend out, but those 5-8 miles on trail (worth maybe 8-10 on road) are much harder and seem to “count” more in your training, if that makes sense. Other trail runners would doing 5 miles of road hills, THEN our 8 miles road, then finish up with 5-10 road to push miles in to one day, but with breaks for food and stretching and such in between.

    • ismay

      Take a look at the Run less Run Faster program – it is on runners world (google it ). I adapted this to my purposes when I trained for and ran a marathon in my fourth year of running, and having run abu to half-marathon doistance before but never raced one. I never wanted to or liked running too many days or too many miles per week. So I ran 3 x a week, with my long run an an evening after work (worked up to 2 x 20 miles). This is very different from most but it is what works for me! Two other short runs (4-6 miles) were also weekday, either track, tempo or hills. I cross-trained by hiking on weekends and swimming 1-2 x a week – I find cross-training is key. It worked well; the marathon felt easier than expected. Varying surface with some trail and some beach hard packed sand was also good.

    • Susie

      Sorry this isn’t terribly helpful, I just accept that the training is going to take up a huge chunk of my time and plan accordingly. I go to the gym in the evenings anyhow even when I’m not targeting a race, but during training I give up some of the other workouts I like to do (like kickbox and spin) in favor of running, and then on weekends schedule around long runs. It is a big time commitment and there’s really no way around that.

    • Monte

      You have to cut out a lot of other things, including a social life. You will give up Friday or Saturday nights out to get in your long run the next morning, and depending on your program, you will be going straight from work to bed so that you get in enough rest for your weekday runs. (I love the Pfitzinger program, which calls for midweek long runs of 10-13 miles, which is a fair time commitment for the average runner — not all programs incorporate this.) In reality, I took a break from marathons because I wanted to enjoy my friends on the rare nights I wasn’t at work…YMMV.

  22. anon

    I need some quick resume pointers, please – updating my resume for the first time in nearly four years. At the time I was less than 3 years out from law school, so I still have my education at the top and law school jobs/internships listed, making my resume over two pages. I know that the one page thing is not a requirement, but I think that it’s probably time to take off work that I did prior to graduating law school and move my professional experience to the top, education to the bottom. (I did not have a lot of job experience prior to law school that is pertinent to the jobs I am now applying for.) Am I on the right track here?

    many thanks – I trust the opinions here!

    • Anon in NYC

      Yes, that sounds right to me: professional experience up top, education towards the bottom. Try to condense as much as you can so it fits on one page.

  23. Ferragamo

    I just purchased my first pair of Ferragamo shoes (the regular leather Vara). What do I need to do to take care of my nice, new shoes? And should I be concerned if they are a little roomy? I definitely couldn’t go smaller, so it’s just a matter of adding a little padding once they stretch, I think. And should I keep these as “indoor only” or can they handle the city streets?

    • Anon

      I have a pair of Ferragamo Varas and a pair of Carlas, both in patent leather, and they have both stretched quite a lot. They were slightly too snug when I bought them and now they are just a tiny bit too big, so if possible, you might want to swap yours for a smaller size.

      I had a shoemaker add a rubber topy sole to the bottom of both of my pairs which has helped to protect them, and most of the time I only wear them indoors. I’ve had them for 3 years now, wear them constantly and they still look perfect.

  24. Brooklyn Paralegal

    Hoping this isn’t too late. I posted last week about my recent swings in emotion post-engagement. Even though the wedding won’t be for a while, I was fully hit by the reality of just how expensive weddings are. I keep reading online about women that have done beautiful weddings on a budget, but it seems so impossible to me. Did anyone here get married on a budget of $15,000 or less, if you’re willing to share that? I’m so overwhelmed by the thought of shelling out $10,000 just to feed our guests, and my parents can help out a little, but don’t have enough to cover a whole wedding.

    • Nonny

      I wasn’t around last week so didn’t see your original post, but first of all, congratulations on your engagement! I’m sorry to hear you are going through an emotional rollercoaster right now.

      I’m not married yet but starting to think about my wedding (sometime next year) and am also looking at costs, etc. Yes, it can be overwhelming seeing how much a “wedding” costs. But I put “wedding” in quotes because we have these preconceived notions these days about what a wedding must include. You don’t have to have the fully decked out heritage ballroom. You don’t have to have a 5-course sit-down dinner with live music and dancing, and cocktail reception in advance. You don’t have to have a videographer. A lot of people just seem to expect these things because so many people have them these days.

      So what my fiance and I have started to do, which is helping us, is to sit down and talk about what is actually important to us on our wedding day. We are nixing the rest. For instance, we’ve decided we would actually prefer to have a wedding lunch or afternoon tea, rather than the full-blown dinner. If it is a possibility for you to not have all the “wedding” stuff, maybe it would be useful for you to go through this process with your fiance as well, and decide what is actually important to you and what you want YOUR day to look like. It doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s wedding day.

      Good luck! It’s not easy and I’m sure I will have just as hard a time when push comes to shove.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the thoughts! It’s somehow a lot easier knowing that I’m not the only one that has to deal with this. I know it totally feeds into the whole wedding industrial complex, and I’m angry at myself for being suckered by it, but I felt almost like I was doing it wrong, being stressed out and worried about money. I’ve been making a list of things that I know really matter to me.

        Congrats to you as well, and good luck planning the wedding! And of course, if you have any planning stress in the future, there’s someone here to empathize!

      • Cynthia

        Hope this lands in the right place (first time posting)!

        We went extremely cheap. Got some nice clothes for the both of us, went to town hall and had a cousin do our marriage, then ate out afterwards with the family.

        Overall, cost us less than $600 for everything including extra certificates.

        We didn’t want to mess with all of the planning and money, just having seen two weddings that cost into the $20k range. It wasn’t what we wanted and everyone was happy.

    • Anon

      I did a wedding on a budget along those lines. It was in a midsized city (the most expensive catering option was I think $45/plate) in a friend’s backyard, during the day. I wore a dress that wasn’t marketed as a bridal gown (although it was floor-length and white), and it cost less than $1K. DH wore a regular suit, not a tux. We didn’t have a lot of the typical wedding crap, including wedding party, wedding favors, fancy floral arrangements (just bought a small bouquet for each table, from Trader Joe’s I think, or some local flower place), videographer. My mom made me get my hair and makeup done, but honestly, I wish I hadn’t. We got a local band to play, and they weren’t too expensive. We were able to rent all the supplies from one place (a tent company that also did tables, chairs, floor, dishes). We had very low expectations (neither of us is into event-planning), and we were pleasantly surprised by how nice the wedding was. Partly because it was outdoors, partly because it was “different” from all those big-city nighttime event-space weddings. Of course, we were lucky that the weather was nice.

      I think if you want to do a cheap wedding, you are going to have to figure out which of the “needs” you don’t actually need. You can’t have a “typical” wedding on a below-market budget, although you can have a very nice and enjoyable wedding that people remember.

    • lucy stone

      Yes. We did pay close to that for food and alcohol, but that was by far our biggest expense. Some moneysaving tips that worked for us: Costco for reception centerpieces, Vistaprint for invitations,not adding on all the extra frills like chair covers and monogrammed favors.

    • New Bride

      I highly recommend the A Practical Wedding book for this. I adored that book, and there are lots of wonderful ideas for cutting costs.

      My husband and I also bought “Budget Weddings for Dummies” or something like that from our local B&N. We weren’t sure we wanted a “budget wedding” but it got us thinking about what to expect, and what we could cut.

      We also did the exercise of listing our top three things we wanted. We both picked music, although we had a really tough time finding a local band that we could agree on. (We have very different tastes.)

      I also highly regret getting makeup and hair professionally done. My hair looked horrible (although everyone was very nice and complimented it anyway), and the makeup for my bridesmaids just looked weird. My MOH’s hair was flipped to the side and hairsprayed in a very weird way. I really like the way my friends look in their everyday lives – not all weirded-up. Same with my mom.

    • Brant

      We did our wedding for 20k, but we had plenty of room to cut if we had needed to bring it down to the 15k.

      Think long and hard about your guest list. If you can get it under 100, you can absolutely keep the wedding under 15k. Think also about what’s most important to you. Summer weddings will cost more than winter. Saturdays will cost more than Fridays. Cities will cost more than suburbs. Plated dinner costs more than buffet-style. A professional photographer costs more than having a friend take your photos. Flowers from the florist cost more than having your bridesmaids assemble the bouquets. In fact, you don’t actually need your bridesmaids to carry flowers at all.

      Anyway…unless you’re hoping to have a wedding for 300 downtown, you can make something memorable happen for under 15k.

      • Anonymous

        Our wedding was around $15k. It was an evening affair at a gorgeous country club in May on a Saturday, and we booked 4 months out. I bought my dress online for $800 w alterations. Got my hair done too. We did an open bar during the happy hour, but wine/beer only during dinner and afterwards, and the champage toast. We had 105 guests, targeted 125. The catch was we did it in an upscale town where we both went to college, about 2 hours from us. I don’t feel I missed out on anything I wanted, which was a traditional wedding.

      • Brant

        I should add that my dress was mayyybe $500 (bought a very high end wedding dress second hand), and DH wore the tux he already owned. His groomsmen all also wore tuxes (those that didn’t own rented). You could easily find a wedding-appropriate gown for <$500. We didn't do limos to/from anywhere–just had friends and family with nice/antique cars move us around. We didn't do favors or anything like that. DH and I wanted letterpress invites, so we semi-DIY'd them, outsourcing the printing to someone on Etsy and doing the rest ourselves.

        • Brooklyn Paralegal

          This is so incredibly relieving to me! Thanks for the tips, everyone. I just ordered A Practical Wedding and will be reading it cover-to-cover when I get it on Wednesday, I’m sure.

    • P Funk

      An even later reply to your post! I just got married this April. We spent about 20k on our wedding for a little over 100 people, but we are on Long Island, which is a high cost for everything area, let alone weddings. I agree with everyone’s posts and recommendations for A Practical Wedding. Another resource I found to be really helpful was the book Bridal Bargains. I checked an old copy out of my local library then bought the new version (<$10 online) because I found it so useful. There were great tips and vendor resources on ways to shave costs. I was able to get my dream dress for $800 from an online vendor and had a family friend who is a tailor do alterations. I ordered my flowers online for a fraction of the cost and put together non-floral centerpieces, the list goes on and on…all from ideas between APW and BB.

    • anon

      I just got married, so I understand where you’re coming from with the astounding costs of weddings. Staying under 15,000 will be very hard, unfortunately. You will need to get creative and cut significant things out of the equation that don’t matter much to you. You might have to keep it a small, intimate gathering (something I wish I had done — it would have been so much less stressful!). You might also have to schedule it for an off-season time or during the week. You could also schedule it in the evening after dinner so you don’t have to serve everyone a meal (just finger food instead during the reception). If you don’t do any of these things, you’ll have to get creative with DIY stuff, although even that can be expensive and can require a lot of time and research — such as doing your own flowers, doing your own hair and makeup, and not having a DJ, etc (but even the cost of these things will pale in comparison to the food at the reception, this is really the big cost). I also recommend the book A Practical Wedding. It’s the best and will help you feel hopeful and happy about it all and remember what is most important. Good luck! If I were you, I’d just keep it small. You’ll be less stressed out and can enjoy it more and you won’t pay as much.

    • Joanna Toews

      I have friends who spent around $8-10k. We spent around $20k but if we had to do it all over again, we would have spent less on the stuff that didn’t really matter.

      Our hindsight-being-20/20 “didn’t really matter” stuff:
      – flowers and decor
      – entertainment
      – favours
      – attire and hair styling

      Our “did matter” stuff:
      – booze
      – food (quantity, not quality… keep the people fed!)
      – convenient venue for the guests

      We could have gone a lot more overboard, though. Two excellent resources I wish we’d paid more attention to: The “A Practical Wedding” blog and Miss Manners’ “Guide to a Perfectly Dignified Wedding” book.

    • LH

      Not sure if you will see this reply, since its late but my wedding was also around $15K. It was in an resort town in Maine that is probably expensive compared to a lot of places but probably cheap compared to NYC. Things we saved on: no booze except a champagne toast (it was a daytime wedding and neither us nor our immediate families drink), ceremony in the same place as the reception for a small fee ($5 per chair), not having a lot of people (120 invited, 80 came), had a Sunday wedding for religious reasons but it meant we got a $1000 discount on the reception room rental, my dress was under $1k and didn’t need alterations (I actually was willing to spend more on this but found one I loved for about $800), husband’s tux rental was free with our 5 groomsman tux rentals, and my bridesmaids and I did each others makeup.

      Beyond the rental of the reception room & catering costs (sit-down plated meal) which I believe were around $10K for 80 people, the things we spent money on were: 1) my dress (~$1K), 2) flowers including my bouquet, bridesmaids bouquets, corsages for the guys and parents/grandparents, a chuppah decorated with flowers, and small flower arrangements for the ceremony and reception (~$1K) – this is expensive given how cheap our wedding was, but I love flowers and our florist did an amazing job so I thought it was worth it, 3) a DJ for both the ceremony and reception (~$1k) – I thought this was a ripoff but our options were limited in Maine and it was important to me to have an awesome dance party, which we did (even without booze!). Other things were mostly $500 or less including our officiant, our cake (a basic one was included with our rental but we paid a few hundred dollars to have a fancier one), hairstyling for me and my maids, and save the dates/invitations/programs.

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