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Workwear Hall of Fame: Long Pocket Cardigan

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Update: This pocket cardigan is marked down to $59 in the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale (sizes XXS-XXL only).

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Long cardigans: yea or nay, ladies?

I have a million springy jackets and for some reason I keep reaching for my long cardigan from Halogen, which I first bought so many years ago that I wore holes into it, and then replaced last year thinking, well, this will probably be out of style but I like it so why not. But gauging from the number of colors and top reviews at Nordstrom it's still a hit on their site.

I like that it's versatile, has well-placed pockets, is soft, and is the perfect weight for 50-60 degree weather. Nordstrom has it in lots of colors in regular and plus sizes.

2019 Update: We’re adding this long cardigan to our Workwear Hall of Fame because it's been around for years, comes in a bunch of different colors, sizes, and fabrics and always gets rave reviews! 

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331 Comments

  1. I’m a hard no on long cardigans, especially for the office: they look like blankets and can look really awkward with skirts.

    1. I”m a hard yes on long cardigans. I wouldn’t wear them in a business formal office — unless they had spectacular drape and cut and hung beautifully. But for my casual office, they’re superb.

      1. I’m the same. I’m in a business, leaning upper end of biz casual, office, and they work well on my 5’7″ frame.

      2. I like them too. I enjoy pairing them with a knee-length dress (usually something swingy) that hits at about the same point as the cardigan.

      4. Hard yes too, in my very casual office. Frankly, the just below the hip length is very flattering on long-waisted me (much more so than the length of a cropped jacket). Care is definitely required, though. Of the two I have now the first looks sharp, fits well, and, with a belt, looks structured and put together. The second has been relegated to home use (and possibly will be out the door soon) because it looks like a sloppy bathrobe. (I think a lot has to do with the structure of the shoulder and the weight of the fabric. The sharp cardigan is a fairly thin knit, a bit thicker than most merino wool. The sloppy cardigan is very thick fabric and has a huge collar, causing it to droop…

      5. If the fabric is the right drape and thickness, then I wear the longer cardis with dresses. I’m in a super casual environment, and the longer cardi does casualize my dresses— the way the longer cardi creates movement with some of my dresses creates a summery look. I just bought a utility jacket in a rose pink at old navy, and I plan to add this to my rotation of toppers, along with an older anthro soft motto jacket, and a casual olive jacket.

    2. I agree that they tend to look like your are trying to get cozy on your sofa, especially on short people like me they can be too casual

    3. Interesting, I think long cardigans look much better with dresses than short cardigans. I agree that some can look like blankets, but they work great in my business casual office.

    4. I’ve seen them done in a way that’s professional, and I like cardigans like this that go to just above where the pocket ends on this one (so longer but not long), but cardigans like this overwhelm me and I feel like I’m wearing a bathrobe.

      1. +1 I’ve had a couple of long cardigans that Ioved for the weekend but never felt comfortable wearing them at work. Definitely gave me the bathrobe vibe.

    5. I don’t love long cardis on myself, but I like the look on others. I have narrow shoulders in comparison to my lower half. Something about the balance just looks off. I feel super sloppy in long cardigans.

    6. Unpopular opinion, I’m a hard no on cardigans, period. Long, short, medium, whatever. Just say no to cardigans.

      3. But then… what do you wear? I mean, do you have a “third” piece? Is your office more formal? Tell me more.

        1. In the office: if I need sleeves, a blazer. If I’m already wearing long sleeves on a more casual day, I’ll use other accessories to complete my look. 90-100% of the time, I have a blazer at the office with me. Casually: denim jacket, utility jacket, vest, blazer, statement necklace, scarf.

          1. Exactly this list too. We are casual so my topper is often a denim jacket or a Barbour vest. Not for fashion but warmth, but I do like them better than a cardigan. If I need to style up more, a cute blazer.

        2. I wear a lot of blazers, even with jeans. I don’t think it looks too formal if I wear a less formal top or jeans. I also have some jardigans that I like. I just think that cardigans look terrible on me because they have no structure.

          I also will sometimes consider a pretty scarf to be my third piece, especially if it is more of a statement scarf. My office is business casual (much more toward the casual end), and I do look slightly more dressed up than most others, but I’m ok with that because I like my clothes.

      4. I don’t like cardigans, but my office gets cold and is too informal for a jacket every day so I wear them all the time. If there are other informal options, please share. I would love to get rid of all my cardigans

        1. I’d do ponte blazers in fun colors instead of ones with suiting material, denim jacket, faux leather biker jacket/moto jacket, utility jacket.

        2. Big cashmere scarf for the win. Many ways to drape it, warm, and looks (& feels) great

    7. I am a small but busty petite and I just bought one at Loft yesterday. It’s on the sheer side and less bathrobe-y. Figured I’d try out the trend. I’m not quire sure whether it works for me, but I bought a green one that I thought I’d try with black top and skinny-ish pants. Not sure if I’m sold on it, but I needed more cardigans for summer in the office.

  2. Don’t like long cardigans, never have, never will. I’ve bought 2 at different times and never worn them so I won’t buy any more!!!

    Footwear question: recommendations for dressy sandal (probably) to wear to my college reunion? Last time dress code was wedding minus – like c-tail dresses but not quite as dressy as a wedding, if that makes sense, and I wore a French Connection skater dress and espadrille sandal wedges (similar to the Sofft Pahana). I still have those shoes and could wear again but am wondering if there’s a more current option? TIA!

    2. I’m at a wedding this weekend and planning to wear a clog sandal – specifically the Moheda Betty. I think it will be a casual sandal once it’s been worn around the city for a summer but as they’re new they still look smart.
      (I’m wearing a gorgeous Tencel dress from Thought and have bought a scarf that picks out the yellow in the print)

    3. I really like my Sofft “Innis” sandals and they have them in different colors, including silver. They’re super comfortable but also look nice with dresses.

  3. For the people who said they did sprint triathlons yesterday (and others who Multisport), do you wear a gps tracker/watch? If so, which one? If no, what do you use to track? I am getting into more serious cycling, plan to do my first Duathlon next week, and plan to start swimming soon. But I’m not hardcore Ironman training or anything. Right now I use my phone, but that won’t work when I add the swimming. I planned to get an Apple Watch, but now I’m considering Garmin. I’ve read reviews, but I’d like to hear from real people how they use tech (esp people who aren’t professional or semi-pro athletes and still keep a day job).

    1. I’m the poster from yesterday who started sprint triathlon training six months ago. I don’t use any devices, partly because of cost (there’s already so much other tri gear to buy!) and partly out of privacy concerns. I’m particularly concerned about the trends of health insurance companies buying wearables data.

      Maybe that’s a little paranoid, but since for the most part I’ve been pretty happy tracking my progress informally with pen and paper, I haven’t bothered with it.

    2. The most popular options among my friends are the Garmin Fenix (men), Garmin 735 (women), Garmin 920 (non-Iron distance – not as long of battery life).

      I don’t track much of anything and use a 3 year old Garmin VivoActive and heartrate monitor strap when I remember to wear it.

      There are plenty of other devices out there, but even a basic Polar HRM is sufficient for tracking gains.
      dcrainmaker.com is the best place to read reviews for wearable tech.

    3. I wear a Garmin 935 and love it! I’m no hardcore Ironman, just a weekend warrior doing sprint and olympic distance races locally. I love how seamlessly you can transition from one activity to the other and how customizable every screen is to perfectly suit your needs/wants and then all the data you get when it uploads to your phone. It does way more than I will ever find a use for, but I still don’t feel like I’m under utilizing it, if you know what I mean. I got mine about a year and a half ago and it still works perfectly and has a really long battery life (with normal training and some casual wear, it easily lasts a week). It is also really tough and doesn’t scratch or dent when you bang it against things.

    4. I don’t swim (yet, per the tri convo yesterday), but I love my Garmin. I got my first one last fall, after having been on Team No GPS Watch forever. I was also happy with informal tracking; did not want to feel like I was a slave to the computer overlord on my wrist; and was worried I would go way too overboard with strict tracking, since that is a big trigger for my not-a-problem-in-my-daily-life-but-still-have-the-brain-weasels history with disordered eating. But then I was training for my first marathon and borrowed my fiance’s Garmin for a couple of the 18+ mile runs, so I could keep an eye on pace.

      And I had to admit that the thing was freaking useful. I got my own a few weeks later, since I couldn’t steal his for race day since we were both running. I do wear it for most runs/bike rides/hikes and like that the app makes it easy to track and record things; I also found that I liked having the heart rate data. I’ve successfully resisted the urge to really care what it says about my pace while I’m running, unless I’m doing a pace-based workout. And it’s really useful to just be able to go out and run, instead of having to always map out a route for X miles ahead of time (I never run with my phone). I do not wear the Garmin in my daily life, though, since I found that things like the step counter and calorie counter in the Garmin Connect app made my brain go a little squirrely.

    5. I do not do tris, but I swim and am an ultra runner. I have a running-aimed Suunto Ambit Run. It’s not great for swimming (not designed for it), but there are lots of Suunto models out there that do many of the same things the Garmins do. I would check out reviews for both Garmin and Suunto and see which meet your requirements. Battery life is one of my biggest concerns because after hours and hours on the trail, I don’t want my watch to die. Lots of ultra runners have backups, but that’s probably extreme for your needs!

      The whole point of this was to encourage you to check out the Suunto models side by side with the Garmins!

    6. I have a Garmen Fenix 5S, which is excellent for running and swimming. Figuring out how to use the swim settings takes a bit of doing, but once you understand that, it’s very handy especially if you’re doing structured workouts.

      Frankly, no wrist-based solution is great for cycling , but if you’re just planning on doing shorter tris (and not getting into cycling as a standalone sport), it’s probably fine. If you do get into cycling as its own sport, or if you decide to do longer tris where you’ll have long training rides, a bike computer is a huge help for a variety of reasons, including navigation – the Elemnt Bolt is my favorite (and is on the cheaper end as bike computers go – $249).

    7. The Garmin 935 is a good compromise between the Fenix (very expensive) and the 735 and 920 models (shorter battery life). For sprint distance, any of the Garmin multisport models would be good, but battery life becomes more of a consideration when training for or competing in ironman races. I have an Apple watch and the battery life is poor.

    8. I have both an Apple watch and a Garmin. I think the Garmin is just better for running, if that’s your primary use. The GPS tracking is more accurate and it tracks a number of things my Apple watch doesn’t (cadence, elevation change, etc.). The battery life is way, way better on the Garmin, too (generally 4-5 days, versus like 12-24 hours with the Apple watch). I like my Apple watch for daily wear as it does pair better with my phone (I have young kids and it is helpful to be able to answer calls on my watch when my phone is in another room and I don’t have a free hand). I also like being able to respond to texts on my watch, not just get the notification. But if your reason for getting the watch is running/tracking related, I strongly recommend the Garmin.

      1. I run a lot and got my first garmin while training for my first marathon years ago. I’ve since upgraded to the forerunner 235 but I also have an Apple Watch. I feel the same way as the poster above. I much prefer my Garmin for all my running for the better data and performance (more specialized) but I pretty much only wear it while on runs. My Apple Watch is great for work/ and just walking around but I see it more as a fun toy than a fitness tool. The Garmin watches also come at a variety of price points with different features which may be helpful too.

    9. Second all the recs for a Garmin Fenix, and consider linking it to Strava if you have genki friends on social media or are interested in joining online challenges.

    10. Thanks all! I think I will go with fitness specific watch at this point and eventually a bike computer (or maybe the other way around). An Apple Watch would be a fun toy, but it doesn’t sound useful for me at this stage of my life (no kids, work from home, don’t text often, don’t have many calendar appointments).

  4. I am a yes on the long cardigan, I usually have a couple and also a couple of vests, just to help vary my usual silhouette.

    1. How do you wear vests? I’ve been considering it, but haven’t figured out exactlt how too.

      1. I like them over either turtles in the winter or sLim cut long sleeve elevated tees in the summer.

    2. I had mens wear style vests in the ’90’s when I was in high school (or was it very late ’80’s in middle school?). I loved them. I was so cool in them.

    3. I like vests too, and prefer them over long cardigans. The lack of sleeves immediately makes shoulders more structured which is my biggest challenge with longer cardigans (in addition to sleeve length and tightness). I have a beautiful black velvet vest with military-inspired metal buttons down the front and on the shoulders that hits above the hip. I can wear it with any jewel tone turtleneck or high neck top over jeans (casual environment) and look super put together without worrying about whether the sleeves are too long or if they actually fit over the sleeves of my base top. I also have a long safari style olive vest that’s about to my knee. I can wear this one with teals or other neutrals (butter, white, light blue etc) over jeans or skirts and look instantly pulled together. I think the trick is: your base layer needs to have sleeves that fit well (not too tight on upper arms), and your vest needs to be tailored in the spot you like your waist to sit at (for me, even though I’m naturally very high-waisted, it’s more proportional to tailor things to nip in at my upper hip bone). I only regret the vests when it’s really cold. I always feel awkward when I have a vest AND a wrap on. I haven’t perfected that look and open to suggestions.

  5. Any recs for a light, not-too-sugary cake that would be ideal to eat with afternoon coffee? I thought the yogurt cake from Bringing Up Bebe would be perfect, but I tried it and it tasted so dense and took nearly twice as long to cook as it said it would. I’m hoping for something light and airy that would be good with fruit. Angel food cake came to mind, but I don’t want to buy a special pan. TIA!

    1. Victoria sponge? Equal weight od flour, eggs, butter and sugar, and bake until golden. If you make cupcakes they would only take 20mins or so in a 180degC fan oven.

    2. I think what you’re looking for is called a Victoria Sponge, but I don’t have a particular recipe to recc’.

    4. I love Speculoos, it’s a belgian spiced cookie. They come under many brands but a famous one is Lotus.

    6. Olive oil cake is delicious.

      There’s another kind of cake with an entire orange in a blender for the batter….

      1. Yes to olive oil cake! I love Smitten Kitchen’s olive oil grapefruit cake, although I can’t find it online so I must have gotten it from her first book.

    7. Smitten Kitchen summer strawberry cake. You can make it with all sort of fruit or even swirl chocolate through.

    10. While it’s not light and airy, Hemsley & Hemsleys beetroot chocolate cake is very, very nice. And not sugary at all, the sweetness is from beetroot and dates, no sugar at all. It tastes like a rich chocolate cake, and both adults and children like it, in my experience. It would be lovely with figs (swap dates for figs in the cake), blackberries, blueberries, strawberries or whichever fruit you like with chocolate.

      Scones are also both light and airy and fruit-compatible, if done right.

  6. The post yesterday about division of labor of chores got me thinking about a doubt I have about my own relationship. I live with a long-term boyfriend, both of us in our mid-30s. We’re not planning on kids or getting married in the short term (both of us have been married before). I’m definitely in the work to live camp: my work is important to me, but I’ve worked to get to a role that’s in my field, interesting, and 9-5, leaving plenty of time for friends, family, and hobbies. My SO is in an adjacent field and has generally pursued roles with prestigious companies and long hours. He earns more, but my net worth is much higher (due to generally being more frugal, doing grad school part time, etc).

    My SO is great about prioritizing spending time with me, even though he’s working 60+ hour weeks. For me, this is important – a big part of why I work a 9-5 is so I have plenty of time to spend with the important people in my life. But this is having costs for our relationship. He hasn’t been able to both spend time with me and stay on top of his share of the chores/lifestyle maintenance things (appointments, etc). Sometimes I think I should take on more chores to make it easier for him to spend time with me – but I’ve very deliberately built a life for myself structured so that I can pursue interests and passions, not handle more of the chores. We already outsource what we feel is reasonable and agreed on this chore split.

    Another issue is that while he hasn’t said anything directly, I can tell that he’s frustrated that he doesn’t have much time to participate in his hobbies. This is particularly acute for hobbies that are shared (we are both training for a marathon this year, for example, but he only has time to train a few times a month whereas I am doing a much more in-depth training program).

    I think he would be happier in a lower hours, less prestige job, but I would be livid if a SO asked me to change my job for them, so that feels out of the question.

    I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Stories from other people who earn less but have higher net worth? Stories from other people with a similar work hours divide?

    1. I have a similar relationship to my work and lifestyle, where I have purposely work a 9-5 so I get to spend my extra time as I please.
      My SO lives to work. To the point where as you said, he neglects appointments and other maintenance. I don’t have any sage advise, so this is just a comment to commiserate.

    2. This isn’t your problem to fix. He’s a big boy. If he wants more time for his hobbies he can figure that out. If you’re both comfortable with the chore split then keep it. I think I’m these circumstances I’d be looking for ways to manage the timing. I probably spend 10 minutes on chores a day during the week and trade off with more time on weekends. Maybe he simply doesn’t have time to train for marathons.

      1. +1 he has made his choices, you don’t sound like you are demanding he spend time with you at the expense of his hobbies. Let it lie.

      2. I agree with this. It sounds like you’re happy with the relationship and the time you spend together. If you want him to take over a specific chore, ask him, but it’s on him to figure out the hobbies.

        Also, I applaud you for pursuing meaningful hobbies and making time for them. Sometimes we see tips on here about how to be productive so you have more time to clean or cook and I’m thinking “how about so I have more time to read or run or ski or hike?” Please share any tips if you have them!

        1. Honestly, the only way I could do this was by getting a new job that is a fairly set 40-45 hrs per week. Other than that, mentally accepting a lower standard for cleanliness and not needing to make gourmet meals every day.

          I have been able to successfully combine some productive and fun tasks. For example, sometimes my friends and I will get together on a Sunday and do a meal swap where we make several servings of a pretty healthy recipe and swap with each other so that we all have around 5 meals for the week but don’t have to eat the same thing every day.

        2. Seamless, frozen stuff from Trader Joe’s, a roomba, being ok with a messy apartment. I’d rather rock climb than cook or do laundry after work, sorry not sorry.

    3. What does having a higher net worth have to do with how he manages his time? Seems weird that you mention it twice.

      2. I took that to mean she’s on track for retirement/emergency savings/loan repayment, so she doesn’t need the 60 hour a week grind to catch up.

      3. I mentioned it because I think for me personally, if our net worths were approximately equal and I was contributing x to household finances and he was contributing 3x, I’d feel like my share of the chores should be higher. Maybe this is me projecting, but sometimes I feel like outsiders wonder why I don’t take on more household responsibilities in light of his job because they assume he is powering our finances/savings/retirement. If that makes sense?

        1. It sort of makes sense, but why would you assume outsiders care? (And why should you care that they care?) And how would outsiders possibly know which household responsibilities fall to each of you? And outsiders obviously don’t know that he’s a spender and you’re a saver, apparently. Basically my point is who cares?

    4. You are not married, so I’m assuming that you are not sharing finances. Therefore, your higher net worth and his higher salary are irrelevant to this discussion. If you were sharing finances, since that you benefited from his longer work hours, I would at least be open to an idea that you should do more chores because he works longer in order to contribute more financially to the family. But, since that’s not the case, you should split chores and let him manager his own time. If he want’s to outsource more so he has more free time, he can spend his money on that.

    5. It sounds like your relationship is working well for now, but it does sort of beg the question about whether you share similar values about the type of lifestyle you’d like to have. You can’t make that decision for him, of course, but if I were you, I would be asking the hard questions about what he wants your lives together to look like in the long run. Because YOU may have a relationship decision to make, particularly if you want kids. I’ve also worked hard to have the lifestyle you’re living, and I can tell you my marriage (with kids) would not work if DH were regularly spending 60 hours at the office. He has a three-month stint every year that does require long hours and weekend work, and that’s hard enough. We bicker a lot more during that time, the strain of solo parenting gets to me, and I struggle with feeling resentment. I absolutely couldn’t do that year-round.

    6. Come to a division of labor that you’re both responsible for. Then let him decide to take on his share or outsource his share (at his sole expense) as he sees fit. Or if you share finances, decide what you can outsource to reduce the burden for both of you.

    7. Money is a red herring. You don’t buy your way out of chores because you make/have more money. It wouldn’t matter if he was spending 60 hours a week on a very lucrative job or if he was still in school and working. The issue is time, not money.

      My personal philosophy is that each half of the couple should have relatively equal free time. You’re a couple, not roommates, the whole point of joining your life with someone is that you help each other to live your best (joint) lives and maximize the time you spend together. That means that splitting chores 50/50 isn’t equitable when one person works longer hours.

      1. Yeah, I think this is the core issue. OP, making a life together means being a team. I don’t mean this to be accusatory, but there’s a bit of a suggestion in your post that you’re thinking of this as “I worked hard to build the best life for me, an individual, and I don’t want to give that up.” But when you build a life together, you do sometimes move away from your individually-best lifestyle to the lifestyle that results in the highest level of joint happiness. For you, that might mean using some of your free time to take care of chores so you all can spend more time together. For him, that might mean seeking out a different job that wouldn’t demand so much so he has more time for you and more time for hobbies as well. I think you guys probably need to think about whether you’re approaching your current and future life as a team, or as two individuals who really love each other. Those things aren’t quite the same.

        And look, I get it – part of my extreme pickiness in dating is that I live an awesome life as an individual and it would take a LOT for me to give up any of the freedom and flexibility I have. It’s a trade-off that’s part of being in a relationship, and so far I haven’t been willing to make it.

        1. I saw some Instragram meme recently that said something like “It takes a really amazing boyfriend to be better than no boyfriend.” It’s a fabulous approach. Cheers to you for being in that place too!

          1. I don’t understand this. Are you saying that women are better off without any boyfriend? If that is what you mean, I disagree, unless the guy is a complete jerk. They do perform a couple of things that we as ladies need, procreation and $ex, even if not good. Since we can’t do this on our own, or with women, we will need to compromise to get a boyfreind and get married and have kid’s with him.

        2. I very much disagree with this and do not at all believe that OP should take on more chores because she has more free time. This is exactly how women end up doing more household and emotional labor than men. OP also created this lifestyle for herself so that she could spend her time doing what she enjoys. What is the point of her great work schedule if she has to spend most of her free time doing her partner’s chores? Her partner is not entitled to a get-out-of-chores-free card just because he works more. He is more than welcome to outsource his half– but not outsource it to OP.

          1. I agree. And if she wants a more long-term commitment with him, she needs to address this at some point.

      2. I kind of agree and kind of don’t agree with this. When I was married, I made a lot more money and also worked really long hours. My ex-husband did quite a bit more chores than I did (though he still had significantly more free time than I did because we outsourced everything we could). We had completely shared finances, and the logic was (1) we’re a couple and it benefits us to have roughly equal free time, and (2) the extra money I’m earning by working more is paying for a really nice lifestyle for both of us. We shared the money equally, without reservation, and no questions asked.

        When you don’t have co-mingled finances, I think #2 isn’t so strong. I live with a partner now but we have completely separate finances, and I don’t think either of us really thinks that I “owe” any of my income to us as a couple to raise our collective standard of living. We have basically equal distribution of chores, though he works long hours 4 days a week, so I pick up some of his stuff those days, and he picks a couple of my things up on the extra day he has off. I can see where I might take on a few extra duties if he was working thaaat much more than me just as kind of a favor, but I don’t think it’s really fair for everyone to have precisely equal free time when he’s the one who has chosen to have a more consuming job.

        1. I see I said he had significantly more free time than I did and later that we had “roughly equal” free time. He definitely had a lot more than I did, and what I meant by (1) above is that it benefits us to have as equal free time as possible.

        2. +1. I agree with this approach with you have shared finances and a long-term commitment. But I don’t think it works before you have both of those. Why should one person have to do more around the house to benefit a second person who works longer hours to benefit the second person’s finances alone?

      3. I mostly agree with this although do think money is somewhat relevant in the sense that I don’t think it’d be unreasonable in a situation where someone is earning significantly less money and working more hours. I’d be super resentful of my spouse if I felt like I was contributing the lions share of the financial support and the lions share of the chore burden.

        Otherwise agree the issue is really time. As someone commented yesterday, I don’t strive for a 50-50 division of labor but get mad if I’m doing chores and spouse is watching tv and try very hard to avoid doing the same

        1. For your first paragraph – I think stage of life matters. I knew a lot of women in law school whose husbands had established careers but a 9-5 schedule, and expected the woman to take on well over 50% of the household stuff because she wasn’t contributing money. I… would not have tolerated that. And fwiw a lot of those women are now divorced because that dynamic didn’t change once she started outearning him. It was never about money, it was about his laziness and entitlement.

          Otoh, I take your point that if he’s in a job that is always going to be long hours for not enough pay, and it’s not a temporary or stepping stone type situation, it’s going to be a real hard sell for me to take on most housework in perpetuity to accommodate that decision.

          1. Absolutely agree with you. I should have clarified that I meant if the low salary/long hours thing was long term. Your example is great, I’d also put a doctor in residency in that category. If it’s temporary, especially if there’s a potential upside later, that changes things

          2. But don’t you think it is inequitable for a student (who presumably isn’t earning any money) to be enjoying her husband’s salary and not contributing her share by doing the household work? I understand that this dynamic can be problematic down the road, when she starts earning. I frankly do think money matters–if she is benefiting from a lifestyle upgrade due to his salary, she should be contributing more by doing more of the household work. (Full disclosure, I am not married, but I think I would feel obligated to “earn my keep” if in this situation).

          3. But the contrast to OP’s situation is she DOES earn her keep. Husband makes more, but OP is worth more. So why should she burn her own free time to create some for him?

    8. Not exactly an on point comparison, but here’s my experience (with the caveat that I count my lucky stars each day that I married the man I did): I work in biglaw and my husband works in house for large bank. Not only are his hours regular and predictable, but his role is such that nothing is an “emergency” and so things that come in at 5:00 are officially “tomorrow’s problem” and his team is very flexible in that he can work from home for a whole day or part of a day and it doesn’t phase anyone. I have a typical and very unpredictable big law transactional practice schedule and everything is basically and emergency and nothing can just wait until tomorrow, etc. My husband, while he males good money compared to national average and even our city’s average lawyer, also makes significantly less than I do. In our house, we outsource several things (lots of dry cleaning, we have a cleaning service and a landscape service, etc.) but he takes on the lions share of everything else (cooking, meal planning, does a lot of the laundry, makes sure the garbage cans are always by the side of the road on collection day, and takes on a great deal of the random service people research and appointment scheduling).

      So, in our house, the person who works less hours does take on a lot more chores. I generally don’t have time for outside hobbies because my schedule is so unpredictable. My husband has a few more and he is able to do all of the above and his hobbies. I do often feel like your SO in that I want to contribute more to the house, but after several talks with my husband we’ve just come to terms with the fact that he has more time to do these chores so he is going to do them. He also likes cooking and really, really, really likes having a clean and well maintained home, so it’s worth the effort to him. He will say, “I was already going to cook dinner, I enjoy cooking and don’t want to eat out each night, why wouldn’t I just make dinner for both of us?” “I want to live in a clean house, why wouldn’t I wipe down the kitchen/pick up random stuff around the house before we go to bed?”

      So, this is what works for us, but I think that is in large part due to the fact that I married someone who both really cares about domestic things and also is really good at them (he’s an incredible cook). If you don’t care that your house isn’t spotless and you don’t mind takeout/you don’t enjoy cooking, then that’s a different story.

      1. Not entirely on point but.. I’m in BigLaw and my SO works in accounting. The best thing for our marriage (surprisingly) was when he had his first working 250+ billable hour months for several months in a row while I was in a slower stretch. Seeing it on the other side – both him seeing what that is like to work and that pace and me seeing what it is like to live with someone working like was a real perspective shift. On the chores front it made him realize that I honestly just don’t have the bandwidth to do anything more than just eat, hopefully sleep and maybe go to the gym on occasion when I’m working like that. It also made me realize that living with someone working those hours in tough.

    9. Maybe I missed it, but have you thought about splitting the cost of a cleaning service? Benefits both of you.

    10. Here is an idea: throw away the ledger. Accept there will never be an equal sign between the $ and hours you both contribute to your shared life. The family is the ultimate commune: to each according to their need and from each according to their ability. If you want a way to do fewer chores, ask for that. If you want more time with him, ask for it. See what happens when you stop focusing on having the exact same contributions down the minute and nickel and focus on what you need and what you can give.

    11. I see a number of responses suggesting you take on more chores because you’re a team or whatever, but you know what else I see all the time around here? My husband/SO/partner doesn’t do his share of the chores.

      You specifically say you don’t want to do more chores because you want to pursue your interests. So don’t. That way lies resentment and discord. Your boyfriend is an adult. If his laundry isn’t getting done or his dentist appointments aren’t getting made, he will need to figure it out. Mommy will not swoop in and take care of it for him. If you didn’t live together he’d have to find a way, so let him figure it out.

      I sincerely doubt men are hanging out with their buddies worrying if they should do more of the dusting because their girlfriend works long hours.

      1. To your last paragraph – but they should be! To me, it’s about being kind and considerate to your partner – and I’m very much an acts of love person. I look for ways to make my SO’s life better. Sometimes that means sending him jokes, or picking up medicine and soup when he’s sick, or putting in a load of towels and sheets when I leave his house in the morning. So yes, I expect him to do the same thing for me. If I’m working 100 hour weeks then there’s a lot of ways he can be kind and considerate. I refuse to date men who are perfectly happy to accept acts of service from me but don’t reciprocate.

        And that’s without getting into the financial part. A few people have said, well if you don’t have joint finances then it’s not fair to ask him to pick up the slack. If I’m making a lot more (and I usually am), I’m paying for most of the stuff we do together. I’ve never had a guy complain about the trips I take him on, or the nice dinners, or front row concert/sportsball tickets. Of course I do those things because I want to, not because I expect something in return. But you can’t say that a romantic partner doesn’t benefit pretty substantially from long hours/high pay.

        2. But the point is he can’t reciprocate. OP is expected to do his chores for him because he doesn’t have time, in order to create more “free time” for him. How is he reciprocating? He doesn’t have time to reciprocate. Reciprocating would just be… him doing his own chores in the first place.

        3. I think that’s what I see as the biggest resentment-breeder, as stated by one of the replies yesterday on the division thread: some version of man relaxing while woman is doing housework. I am very resentful when I go to all these lengths to make our lives, including items specifically personalized to DH, better, healthier, easier, cheaper, etc and I get maybe a “thank you” in return but zero reciprocating acts, and sometimes even obstruction. I.e. I tell DH I am making a batch of breakfast bars on Sunday and for some reason he decides this is the right time to wash all of the dirty crusty dishes from his office at the exact time I need the sink to cook. Of course, he’ll happily eat the oatmeal and will never notice that it took me an extra 30 minutes because I had to wait for the sink. If I say something, he’ll look at me like I have three heads and ask why I’m starting a fight over nothing.

    12. I appreciate all the comments. You’ve given me a lot to think about! I’m happy for now, but I worry about if he can be happy with this arrangement long-term.

      1. That’s not your problem. He’s an adult, he gets to figure out if he is happy with something, not you.

  7. For parents here who restrict or don’t allow screen time, do you notice behavior changes (positive or negative) or differences in attention in your kids when you do so? I’ve been thinking about it for a while and then I saw the new WHO recommendations. I’m curious whether anyone who actively restricts screen time has seen different results from when screens are available or whether the changes are subtle/nonexistent.

    1. Mine don’t get much, and I don’t think it would be possible to tell from moment to moment with the same kids, but I *do* notice that they turn into little monsters as soon as I take away the screen time they have been enjoying, no matter what the agreement was before they started. That sh*t is addictive.

      1. Yeap, this is what I’ve noticed too.

        On weekend mornings we tend to be desperate for sleep (husband and I take turns being the one who wakes up with her) and so we let her watch cartoons while we snooze on the couch… and when cartoon time is over, she’s a terror. We’re trying a new thing of taking her house immediately on weekend mornings, and she’s so much more pleasant when we do.

    2. Yes and for us it is dramatic. We do one movie a week and that’s it. I’m more relaxed on vacation and it impacts behavior, sleep, and focus. My parents were extremely anti TV until we were in high school and I’m eternally grateful.

    3. We have taken breaks from screens (for a 4-5 day period) and I have definitely seen changes in my preschooler. After the first day, he barely asks for TV (or will ask once but move on quickly if I say no), is much more creative with his toys and generally has a much more pleasant demeanor. I am also a better/more patient parent, I think, because I am not relying on screen time to give me a “break” so I am more mentally checked in around my kids. I do tend to give in to TV requests more than I’d like, so these breaks are helpful to give us a reset every now and then. I definitely believe all the research that says screens are bad for kids — especially since the “detox” is rough —…but putting it into practice is not easy!

    4. My son is 3 and gets minimal screen time – usually no more than 5 min. per day. We have a TV but it is very rarely on, as my husband and I do all our TV watching on our phones or iPad after our son goes to bed. He definitely likes screens, but we see virtually no behavioral changes in him when he gets more or less screen time. There are times when he gets considerably more, like when we need to get a project done, but even then it likely doesn’t exceed one hour and he is usually playing and only watching the TV incidentally. He gets to watch a short YouTube video before bed (which is usually where that 5 min comes in) and will shut it off himself when the video is over. I realize we are super lucky in this regard.

    5. We do not allow screen time at all during the week. It makes a big difference with the kids. First of all, they play instead of just sitting there, and second, going to bed is much easier. I’m not sure of the reason why, but the tv really seems to wind them up or something. They are 6 and 8 now, but we have always restricted screen time in some way and this current rule has been in effect for 3 years.

    6. We let our kids (6 and 4) watch about an hour television after daycare, but other than that we have a full ban on screens (iPads, iPhones, etc) from M-Th. They can have a couple hours each day on the weekend and some on Friday night. A full ban on certain days was so much easier to manage than allowing a limited amount of time.

      In my experience, screen time begets screen time. Kids who get a lot of it, want a lot of it. When we cut it off, their interest in it diminished overall. Now, they’ll hand us the device and say they’re done. This was unthinkable before the weekday ban.

      I’ve noticed that when my kids get a lot of screen time, they are easily frustrated and have a hard time regulating their emotions. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like candy – a little bit is fun (and fine), but a lot is unhealthy and ultimately makes them feed bad.

    7. People always seem kind of impressed that my 15 month old has no screen time (except Skyping relatives) but it’s mostly been by default? I think she’s too young to follow the plot of a TV or movie. We used to let her play with our phones, but after she dialed 911 from a locked phone, we decided that had to stop. I think the WHO recommendations are nothing new, fwiw. If anything they’re less strict than the AAP recommendations.

      1. My son is a bit older but we’re pretty strict on screentime and when we do use it, we try to make sure it is interactive. We occasionally watch a song and all do the motions to hokey pokey or baby shark or watch some sort of transport (garbage trucks and trains are particular hit) with him.

    8. We do limit screen time. For the preschooler and older kiddo, no TV shows during the week. They’re a weekend-only treat. The older kid does sometimes play video games with DH, but we cap it at 30 minutes at a time. No screen time of any kind after 7:30 p.m., because it really does affect the older kid’s ability to wind down and fall asleep.

      We have one of those Amazon tablets for kids and omg, that thing turns the preschooler into a monster. We hide it and only use it during vacations.

      I have noticed a direct correlation between screen time and my kids’ ability to play creatively and entertain themselves. I kind of hate screens, TBH. I’ve accepted they’re part of modern life, but monitoring the situation and creating rules to control screen time gets really old.

    9. I think this varies with age. Mine’s 8. We’ve relaxed on daily screen time restrictions. 15 minutes of screens at the end of day after all homework, meals, and house routine is sometimes what my kid wants to wind down. At least half the time, he elects for someone to read with him.
      We see a bigger negative impact on behavior when there are long blocks of screen time (90+ minutes of screens on a lazy Saturday morning). So we allow some screen time and then it’s off to do chores, play outside, etc. Having friends over to play an interactive game (Minecraft, Nintendo) is okay too and they tend to rotate between activities rather than stay glued to the couch. Devices are fine for long car trips, but we rarely allow them when out in public.

      1. We have noticed a similar pattern re: longer vs shorter periods of screen time. Our 5 year old generally doesn’t get screen time during the week (there’s just no time, usually), but if she does watch a 20-25 min show, her behavior is not impacted. If we let her watch a movie on the weekends, her behavior is often not great afterwards (whiny and just generally obnoxious).

    10. Does anyone else find the time based screen time somewhat annoying? I find it weird that all screen time gets lumped in the same category. For example I think there’s a world of difference between YouTube passive viewing and using a creative app like a digital coloring book.

      1. Yes I think there is a streak of puritanical holier than thou parenting when it comes to screen time, and everyone is competing to say how little they give their children. Like, ooh wonderful for you! You win! Do you want a parade or will a commemorative coin suffice?

        1. All the other replies to this post are respectful and non-judgmental and are directly responsive to the OP’s question. Sounds more like a “you” issue.

        2. Eh, some people are smug and competitive about it, but parents have always been smug and competitive about stuff. I didn’t watch much TV as a kid (it wasn’t officially restricted, but the TV was in the basement and I was discouraged from going down there, so I usually found other things to do). I still remember one time during a big argument about something else, my dad’s sister yelled at him about how he raised a “perfect little angel who never watches TV.” I don’t really know if my parents were smug about my lack of TV time or if my aunt was insecure that her kids watched more – I assume probably some combination of both. But it was a real shock to me when I realized that limited TV time was considered a desirable thing. To me, it was just normal life. This was in the mid-1990s.

        3. Whoa I was more asking about the actual guidelines released lumping in all screen time together. And was curious if anyone else had set rules about screen time differently for different types of screentime.

          There are definitely people who are holier than thou about screentime but I didn’t really see that on this post.

          1. We restrict screen time for our kids pretty heavily – only the older one (5 year old) can watch 30-60 minutes on the weekends. The 2 year old gets zero screen time. 5 year old loves tv and would watch all day if we let her. She knows that she is only allowed to watch 1 or 2 episodes on the weekends and she will usually beg for another minute. I hate the fighting over just a minute of tv and sometimes I wonder if we just made screens a part of our lives more, would that help? Sounds crazy!

          2. I don’t have kids, but I feel like screens were not a big deal when I was a kid because (a) they were always on and (b) it was nearly always boring (e.g. the news playing on the tiny black & white TV in the kitchen). Now I’m curious if enough monotone documentaries would help the novelty wear off!

          3. At anon at 2:53 that’s kinda along the lines of what I was thinking. Anecdotally I have a friend whose TV is on all the time but all boring grown up stuff like news or soccer. Their kids seem to have no interest in the TV.

  8. I forgot admin professionals day yesterday! Should I run out and get my secretary a card and gift card on my way into work, and if so, how much? (Biglaw associate.)

    1. Yes, pick something up on the way in to work. How much really depends on your work culture. At my office, associates generally give $100. I’ve heard it is higher at other offices, and I would be inclined to be a little more generous since your forgot (if you were in the office yesterday. If not in the office, then I don’t think it matters since you didn’t have an opportunity to give her the gift)

  9. Managing up…how do you work with a manager that can’t seem to decide anything? My job involves identifying issues in our org and proposing solutions. No matter what I propose, my manager can’t seem to commit to a course of action. The issues I deal with can only be solved if she commits to a strategy and advocates for it with other decision makers at her level (she’s an SVP, I’m a director) so I can’t just go ahead and implement things on my own. I think she doesn’t have the influence she needs with the other SVPs to actually push strategies through, so she just thinks forever about what to do and never commits to anything. It’s incredibly frustrating and I end up in a constant holding pattern. At this point I don’t care what strategy she commits to. I just need her to decide. I’m in communications, if that matters. Help!

    1. You make the decision. “I will move forward with Plan XYZ unless you say otherwise.” And then execute.

  10. DMV ladies – a question about real gardening ;)

    Do any of you know of an affordable garden center with a big selection? I’d even take a really nice Lowe’s/HD with a big garden dept. I’m looking for certain shrubs and I don’t want to pay $45/plant like you do at the boutique nurseries in the close-in suburbs.

    Happy to drive up to 90 minutes from Alexandria. Thanks!

    1. Valley View Farms in Cockeysville was an actual special trip/destination for me when I was a kid in the area. It might be too far north for your preferences. The fact that I remember it 25 years later speaks to its awesomeness. I can’t speak to their prices, as its been eons since I’ve been there. In my MCOL city, $40 is pretty standard for a 3 gal new/on-trend shrub (ie, limelight hydrangea last year. IDK what the “it” plant is this year.) while $30 is the going rate for varieties that have been in the marketplace for a few years. Lowe’s & HD are a little cheaper, but don’t have the first-to-market stuff.

    3. Merrifield Gardens is great. They have a few locations. They are pricier than Lowes/HD but cheaper than the fancy nurseries. They also have a warranty on their plants, which I appreciate.

      I want to check out Earth Sangha, but they have limited hours and I haven’t made it there yet.

  11. Managing up…how do you work with a manager that can’t seem to decide anything? My job involves identifying issues in our org and proposing solutions. No matter what I propose, my manager can’t seem to commit to a course of action. The issues I deal with can only be solved if she commits to a strategy and advocates for it with other decision makers at her level (she’s an SVP, I’m a director) so I can’t just go ahead and implement things on my own. I think she doesn’t have the influence she needs with the other SVPs to actually push strategies through, so she just thinks forever about what to do and never commits to anything. It’s incredibly frustrating and I end up in a constant holding pattern. At this point I don’t care what strategy she commits to. I just need her to decide. I’m in communications, if that matters. Help!

    1. Maybe put it on the table with the other options. “If we can’t decide on one of these options by x date, Y will be the result.” Get agreement no one wants Y and then build a schedule that eliminates pieces or outright options as you get closer to x.

      1. I also think at a certain point (as appropriate) it’s ok to point out that there are truly no bad options. Instead of focusing on perfect, it reframes to there is no risk of “wrong.” From there, focus starts to be on eliminating which are least best and not achieving an amorphous and unattainable “right.”

    2. Are you giving her lots of options or a recommendation on a single option? I’d say your job is to analyze all the options, choose one to recommend, and present it to her. If she has concerns, you can respond and choose a different option if necessary. I’d stop putting her in a position to make these decisions.

    3. Thanks for the advice. I could (and do) say “The issue is X. The options to fix it are A, B, and C. I recommend A.” But I need her not only to say, “OK, let’s do A,” but also to go tell the SVP of sales, HCD, research, etc and say “We’re doing A. I need you to blah blah blah.”

      She doesn’t. I’ll say “I recommend A.” She says “Hmm.” Nothing happens. I follow up. “Have you decided to go with A?” “Hmm.” No action. I follow up again, and by this point Issue X has turned into Issues X, Y, and Z. I’m ready to give up.

  12. Looking for recs for a getaway in the northeast for the Fourth of July! We’d be leaving Stamford CT Thursday July 3rd at night and returning Sunday July 7th at night.

    We like light hiking, breweries or wineries, pretty nature, music, and good food. We’d prefer a short drive. Cost isn’t an issue. Also, we love all-inclusives but not sure if there are any in the area?

    Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

    1. Porches Inn in North Adams MA. Not all inclusive but lovely.

      The Sagamore or Mohonk Mountain House are great classics if you’re truly not concerned about budget.

    2. Does it have to be a drive? If you’ve willing to fly, I’d do a long weekend in Portugal!

    3. DH and I went to Rhode Island around this exact time last year leaving from Hartford. We stayed in a town halfway between Providence and Newport and had a great time doing hiking, going to museums, art galleries, wineries, and waterfront dining in both towns. Easy trip, low maintenance planning and driving.

      Stowe, VT is also a great getaway that time of year and would check off all your boxes, but is obviously a longer drive. If you went into that area, also check out Shelburne, VT for Fiddle Head Brewery and there is a great winery right across the street. Great area for hiking and kayaking. Will not be as hot as CT in July.

      1. If you do end up going to Vermont, Shelburne Farms is a fun visit and the hotel and restaurant are lovely. There are some fun things to do in the Burlington area.

    4. The Villa at Saugerties is AMAZING. Not all inclusive, but it does include breakfast and on some Saturdays they have dinner. It was honestly one of the most relaxing weekends of my life.

  13. I’m 8 weeks pregnant, exhausted, and my brain is mush. Any tips on how to power through and get my work done without dropping the ball entirely? I want to just crawl under my desk and take a nap.

    1. Walks outside during the day to wake you up, and help manage any nausea. Drop the ball on anything not essential (partner does all housework, etc.) and give yourself permission to crawl into bed the minute you get home or spend all evening on the couch. Also, crawling under your desk for a nap is not necessarily a bad option, if your door closes!

    4. Fresh air helps, if you can take short walks or just go outside for a bit.
      I drank very cold drinks to help keep me awake, too, plus those ginger candies that have a kick to them.

      1. Seconding all of this.

        I consumed a lot of this frozen mint lemonade a local shop had. It was cold and sour and perked me up.

    5. I went from being a tea drinker pre-pregnancy to a (one cup) coffee drinker during pregnancy. I was just soooo tired, and when I researched the science I was comfortable doing it.

  14. Question about admins day – how much would you have recommended I give in a gift? I gave a gift card to a store I know my assistant likes. She is an assistant to I think 7 other lawyers. I’m a second year and just started here a few months ago. Around how much would you have given?

    2. It depends on office culture. In my biglaw office, $75-100 would have been the norm. In other offices, it tends to run higher.

    3. Small law office here and it is more of a token gift and not cash. We are expressly prohibited from ever giving cash. I got mine a GC for a pedicure at the place behind my office because I know she goes there often. Another assistant got a plant for her garden. The firm also buys them all lunch.

  15. Is black suede seasonal? I had always thought it was, but I have noticed a lot of shoe companies, like Margaux, have many of their shoes only available in Black suede and not black leather. I have also found myself reaching for a black suede heel I have (Everlane suede V heel) occasionally this month even though it’s April. Like, I’m currently wearing them with a long-sleeve black dress.

    1. Suede used to be for winter and patent for summer. (Which is ironically the opposite of what you need, weather-wise, but it had to do with the chemicals needed to process the leather in the heat/cold, not which made sense to wear. I SO wish I could find where I read that – my gg-grandparents, etc all worked in the leather industry in upstate New York, and I’m pretty sure I read it in one of those local history books.) But that’s all gone out the window now and wear whatever you want at any time that works for you. Black patent has always felt Christmassy to me, even though it’s supposed to be for summer, so…

    2. Not an answer to your question, but have you tried Margeaux shoes? Do you like them?

      1. Not yet! It was more a comment on the fact that when I was searching for normal black flats, everything seems to be suede (Margaux) or matte (Rothy’s).

    3. Suede is the trendy finish for year-round wear right now. But black suede still feels too visually dark/heavy for summer to me!

  16. We purchased a home a little over a year ago. The home had a newly remodeled kitchen, which was one of the selling points. In standard disclosure questionnaire asking sellers whether they are aware of any work done without necessary permits, they answered no. Well it turns out they should have gotten a permit for the kitchen but did not. I discovered this myself while researching house history in county records; no one else is aware and forcing us to remedy this. With the possible exception of the sink faucet not being low-flow, I am not aware of any code violations in the kitchen.

    What would you do? If I were to make a claim against the seller for nondisclosure, what would my remedies be?

    2. Where do you live? Permits are a very big deal somewhere like, say, New York. Permits can be NBD in the south, even if the local code says you need one. And it’s possible that you might think the kitchen needed a permit from reading the local code, but that a local official would say it’s NBD because it’s just cosmetic, etc. (Speaking from real life experience in Virginia, where the code says X, and the county official said don’t worry about it.)

    3. I always heard that not having permits would make it difficult to sell the house (due to mortgage company concerns, possibly), but it didn’t seem to make a difference to your sellers. My friends had done a basement bathroom without a permit, but fortunately for them, the buyers wanted an all cash sale so nothing ever came of it.

    5. So I would probably keep silent, if I were you. If you do any future work, pull the necessary permits. Rely on the sellers questionnaire if you were to sell. But that’s just me. I think this is really, really common.

    6. It might be very difficult for you to prove that the sellers were “aware” of the permit requirements.

  17. Can anyone recommend a travel thermos/bottle for bringing cold brew coffee to the office everyday? I want to be able to just throw it in my bag and be reassured there are no leaks and I want it to be as lightweight as possible. Only need to take 12 ounces.

    1. The Thermos brand tumblers are really good. I’ve been using them for years and have zero desire to try anything else.

    3. zojirushi tumbler! I am obsessed. I have bought them for all my family members who are also obsessed now. I use it for hot and iced coffee. I have never found another with a cap that’s so easy and secure.

    4. Contigo! No leaks and the lids have a lock so they can’t accidentally be depressed in your bag.

      1. Contigo or Hydroflask. I’d always used Contigo but someone at work gave away their hydroflask and that thing keeps cold brew ice cold all day- including keeping ice frozen. The lid snaps really securely and I’ve never had a problem.

        1. Yes to both of these brands. The only thing I don’t like about hydroflask is that the condensation on the underside of the lid drips every time I take it off.

          1. I use the flip top lid and haven’t had a problem. It snaps into place so it’s secure.

  18. I had the fillings this morning that I asked about a few weeks ago. I’m glad they’re over with but they weren’t nearly as bad as I had feared. I took your advice to play a podcast to help drown out the drill and I found it also helped for the scratchy bits of ‘normal dentistry’, which I’ve always hated. Thanks everyone for the wisdom!

  19. Any podcast recommendations? I listened to Last Seen and The Dream (possibly my favorite, ever) based on recommendations here. I have a stable of true crime podcasts I like (Crime Junkie, Criminal, Murder Squad, My Favorite Murder), but I really need something new!

      1. That’s a NYTimes one, right? I think I remember hearing a preview on The Daily, thanks!

    2. I’m listening to Last Seen right now and recently finished The Dream based on recommendations from here. Have you listened to Over My Dead Body yet? That one was good but frustrating. Going in a totally different direction, I also enjoy Mothers of Invention.

      1. Yes, I listened to Over My Dead Body…in one day! Wow, Mothers of Invention looks great, thanks!

    3. I’m really into “Imagined Life” right now. It tells the backstory of a famous person in second person narrative but doesn’t reveal their identity until the very end.

    4. Ridiculous History, Forked Up (the Thug Kitchen podcast), Two Dope Queens, the Wondery Series – Dr. Death, Over My Dead Body, Bomber, The Drop Out (Elizabeth Holmes/Theranos), American Scandal, Stuff You Should Know, Sooo Many White Guys.

      1. Thank you! Forgot to include The Drop Out, loved it. Dr. Death is the one I just couldn’t get into, but maybe I need to go back to it.

      3. The Dropout was great!
        For additions to your true-crime stable, I like All Crime No Cattle (Texas murders) and All Aussie Mystery Hour (Australian true crime/weirdness); and Teacher’s Pet (follows a single case in Australia).
        For non-crime, I LOVE This Podcast Will Kill You and 99% Invisible.

    5. I just listened through The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, which is a BBC podcast that adapted an HP Lovecraft story into a sort of true-crime podcast format. It was sooo good! Highly recommend.

    6. We have similar taste – have you listened to Uncover NXIVM – that’s the best thing I’ve listened to this year – about a woman who gets in and out of a cult, but the fascination is how “normal” she sounds and how “corporate” the cult is. Also on my list, Cold (although it’s a little drawn out and could be done in fewer episodes, about a cold case murder), Happy Face (about the daughter of a serial killer). I have Who the H*ll is Hamish on my list (a Dirty John type scammer story).

    7. I’m listening to Decoder Ring right now and thoroughly enjoying it. It’s a deep dive into one particular cultural thing — Baby Shark (why is it so viral? what’s its history? what’s the context?); Truck Nutz (who is the target audience? who buys them? who is the butt of the joke?); con man stories (whyyyy do we love them so?); etc.

      1. +1 to Decoder Ring. Also good is Household Name (“brands you know, stories you don’t”).

  20. I’m being filmed tomorrow for a small segment that will be shown at a conference. It’s me in a chair in front of a green screen. Any tips for how to look my best? I don’t love how I look in pictures. Wear extra makeup? Any particular way to lean? Etc.

    This is being filmed by colleagues in my finance industry, not film professionals.

    1. Don’t wear stripes or checks! And make sure the camera is above your chin (found that one out the hard way in a similar video…)

    2. Avoid a green or blue that could blend in with the green screen.

      Wear extra makeup.

      Do not slouch.

    3. Don’t wear green! You’ll look like a floating head!

      Also, because the mic may be able to pick up every little sound, don’t wear jewelry or fabric that makes noise when you move. Film professionals can edit this kind of noise out or adjust the mic for it, but people without that kind of experience or knowledge can’t.

      1. Does dark green like spruce cause a problem or is it just the green screen color? I was going to wear a navy jacket with a very dark green blouse (mm lafleur didion in Alpine)

        1. Don’t wear any green — what they do when they put the image in the video behind you is edit out ALL the green in the video. The reason they use green is because it’s not a color found in skin pigment, so it’s universally easy to remove from the image. If you wear a green blouse and they remove all the green from the image, it’ll look like you don’t have a shirt on under your jacket! Go with another color.

          Best suggestion I can give is go with a color that is very flattering and warming to your skin tone to set off the harsh effects of whatever lighting they use. Professional videographers know how to adjust lighting to make you look good. Non-professionals are going to need all the help they can get!

          1. Dang it. That warming color is either a green or a blush pink on me, both of which are going to make me look nice!

            I’m going with blue I guess.

  21. The thread about about kids and screens reminded me of something I wanted to ask here – On multiple occasions, I’ve had friends tell me that they can’t have XYZ app (like Venmo or Amazon) because they’re afraid their kid will access it and spend money. The first time someone said this, my kneejerk reaction was, wait your kid uses your phone??? They were so surprised that I was horrified by this prospect. Then I get the, “you’ll understand when you have kids…” lecture. I’m so confused by this, I can’t imagine handing over my phone to another human to do as they please. Is this normal and I’m totally off base?

    1. I also don’t have kids so can’t help with that aspect, but I do occasionally get “b u t t” dials, Snapchats, or IG Videos from one of my friend’s kids!

    2. My son is 10 and sits next to me in the front passenger seat as I drive, and yes, I frequently hand my phone to him or he takes it for some games or texting family or yes a couple of his friends that have phones (4th grade!) He has learned 1 password, I changed it, he’s learned this one but I haven’t changed it yet. He’s pretty trustworthy, I don’t think he’d even snoop through texts or photos or even think to at this point. When he asks me things in the car, I tell him to Google it. We talk about not spending real money in video game world.
      Hope this helps.

      1. He does not come in to the women’s bathroom with me. I probably wouldn’t purposely give him my phone to take into any bathroom with him….

    3. You’re not off-base. My 3.5 year old doesn’t get to hold my phone on her own unless she’s facetiming with family, but even that’s recent. My husband has some games on his phone if we need emergency entertainment, but he’s with her when she uses them.

      Aren’t there app/system protections you can turn on to avoid accidental purchases and the like? Although I suppose when my niece was 2 she ordered a movie on the hotel tv when my brother and SIL were trying to pack up. The hotel wouldn’t refund the charge because they said it was impossible for it to be an accident, despite the fact that it was ordered less than 20 minutes before they checked out.

    4. I let my kids play with my phone and my youngest once ordered a whole season of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Amazon because I forgot to turn off one-click ordering haha! Now at 8 and 10 they have tablets and use those instead since they can download games and books.

      1. +1. It’s a no-go for me. My kid has access to the ipad when we are traveling, but only for apps and shows I have downloaded specifically for him, not while it’s connected to wifi.

    6. Yes my kids are older and they still grab my phone for things, even though they have their own phones. Like if we are driving I may ask one of my kids to pick music or navigate to an address using my phone.

      When they were younger and we had something we had to sit through, like if they were with me at the dmv or something and it wasn’t kid friendly, or a long wait at a restaurant, for sure I’d hand them my phone and let them play an easy game like two dots or 1010 or something.

      I am not a PHONES ARE EVIL person through. Phones are a tool, just like computers. I have never been a luddite about tech – this generation grew up with smart phone technology available to just about everyone and their adult will be smart phones and more.

    7. Of course my kid uses my phone. And I’ve seen many other kids use their parents’ phones. Esp if parents are trying to enjoy dinner and distract a child in a restaurant.

      1. Isn’t there value in teaching a child how to sit through a meal without using devices? I mean, obviously a 4 year old can’t be expected to sit through a multi-course fine dining, but assuming you’re taking your kids to normal fmaily restaurants, it doesn’t seem like devices are necessary. (Note: I realize some kids have disabilities, there are exceptions like when a kid is very tired but you have to go to a restaurant anyway, etc and so I don’t judge individuals I see doing this. But as a routine parenting choice for a developmentally typical child it doesn’t make sense to me.)

          1. I agree. Although if you let your kid do this without headphones or the sound off I will definitely side eye you.

        3. Yes, there is value. Anon at 11:34 the world won’t end but your child is missing out on valuable lessons in patience, social skills, delayed gratification, and more.

          1. Your screen name should be busybody. Let other people parent their way. It’s not your business.

          2. LOL Mrs. Jones literally put it on an internet board for the world to see, so…yeah not sure how I’m “meddling or prying.” Sorry if you’re upset by someone pointing out that screen time instead of socialization is not a great thing for child development.
            Also we should actually all be concerned with how kids are raised, but that’s a different topic all together.

        4. When I was a kid, casual restaurants put coloring pages and crayons out for the kids.

        5. I do think there’s *value* in keeping the screens put away in restaurants, and instead trying to engage with your child, or give them an activity like a coloring book, word search, maze, the kind of stuff they put in kids’ menus – ideally, it’s probably good to do a bit of both. BUT I’m not gonna tell other people how to parent their kids, because I don’t have kids, I can only imagine how frustrating parenthood can be, nor am I a child development expert.

          That said, I super don’t blame anyone for whipping out the tablet when the wait for a table was grueling, the food is taking forever and the little one is extra hangry. In that case especially, do whatever you need to do to preserve everyone’s sanity, as long as it doesn’t bother nearby diners.

    8. Have you met children? They just reach out and take any phone they can. You seem oddly out of touch and judgy about this.

      1. Eh I didn’t read this as judgmental as a legit question. I don’t have issues getting my kiddo a tablet but no I don’t hand over my expensive phone with lots of important stuff on it. I don’t judge parents that do this but I absolutely don’t. It has nothing to do with not letting my kid have screens and everything with me being super protective of MY screen.

      2. Yeah, but don’t you have security on your phone to unlock it? I have biometrics and a password.

    9. Yea, I hand my kid my phone a lot, but I am almost always right next to him so I would notice if he was doing anything on it that he shouldn’t be. He is 3 now, so this may change. My sister and her husband give their kids (age 2 1/2 and 5) their phones unsupervised all the time.

    10. I don’t let my kid play with my phone because my phone is expensive and I don’t want her to break it. Like, if we’re playing with an app that has face filters, I’ll let her swipe and tap sometimes, while I hold it, or yeah she can hold the phone while facetiming family, and sometimes she sends her friends (my friends) long strings of emojis, but I wouldn’t trust her if I just handed it off to her! I’d be less concerned about her buying something and more concerned about her dropping it in a bowl of cereal.

      1. Same, I’ll look at pictures with my two and four-year olds, but they don’t get to hold it. Not because I feel strongly about screen time but because I don’t want them to break my very expensive toy. We manage to get through dinner with crayons and paper, but I envy the parents that bring ipads to restaurants. We’ve managed to avoid it so far, and I feel that once we introduce electronics at restaurants, we can’t put that toothpaste back in the tube.

    11. To the first part of your comment, the iPhone has a feature called “guided access,” which keeps the child from moving from one app to another (until a password is entered he/she cannot leave that app), and also permits you to disable certain portions of the screen within an app. I suppose this also goes to the second part of your comment — if I have the feature in use, my kid is not free to do as he pleases with my phone. He can use only the app that I’ve decided he can use.

      I don’t see how giving my kid my phone to play an age-appropriate game at dinner is any different than bringing toys to a restaurant as an amusement/distraction, as our parents did when we were young, but I don’t judge those who have decided this isn’t a good option. You do you, boo.

    12. It used to surprise me, because I wouldn’t want a kid or really anyone who isn’t me messing with my phone. But then I realize that hey, we played those super basic phone games (like Snake) on our parents’ phones when we had to sit and wait for stuff, right? And I can’t be the only one who played those games on Nick.com on my mom’s work computer when she had to bring me to the office. I think it’s normal to let kids play mobile games when they have to wait for something. I mean yeah, a book is probably better for them in those cases, or some kind of coloring activity, but a book would be better for me on my commute but I sit there watching TV shows on my tablet! I think sometimes you gotta keep your kid entertained to keep the peace, and if your phone is the only thing you have on you, that’s gonna be the thing you use.

      I do think phone companies should maybe develop interfaces that hide certain apps behind an extra passcode so little Brayden doesn’t play with Venmo!

  22. Does anyone have a neck firming cream they like? Or other products for that specific area?
    I am nearing forty and have noticed some crepe-iness in my neck. I think my skin is otherwise ok. It is the one area that truly, really bothers me and feels like it is aging ahead of the rest of face.

    1. I have been using the Gold Bond one from the drug store and am impressed with the results.

    3. I really like Strivectin. If you’re a Costco member (or knows someone who is) they sell this in a 2 pack and it’s a real deal (when it’s on sale I buy 2, 2packs which lasts me the year). I’m pushing 50 and noticed some crepe-iness in my neck and this cleared it up! I’ll be using it every night for life.

  23. I think I have an anxiety hangover – is that a thing? I had an extremely stressful three week-period in March, with all my usual physical hallmarks of anxiety – stress-crying and heart palpitations. I was able to sleep through the night, however. All the craziness ended a few weeks ago. The heart palpitations continued, but stopped when I switched to decaf coffee. But I can’t sleep through the night! I’m so frustrated because I can’t identify any external triggers – work is not stressful, everything with DH and family is fine. My new (6 months old) job has lost some of its shine, but nothing that makes me think I need to think about leaving soon. The only thing I can think of is that my body is still perceiving or bracing for a threat – but how can I make it stop? I’m back to yoga 3X/week but maybe I need up it to 4? Unfortunately, the not sleeping leads to a non-yoga cycle because I’m too tired to get up for class. Any other ideas?

    1. Yes – this is a thing! (In my experience, at least.) I get migraines, and very frequently, during the period of actual stress, I’m fine, no migraines. But a week after the stress dies down, I might get several. My Dr. told me it is normal for this to happen after the stress has ended. Something with endorphins or adrenaline (or something to that effect) leaving the body – they will sustain you during the stress but then afterwards your body experiences a sort of let down.

      Anyway, maybe try a sleep-time meditation app. I use Calm when I’m experiencing nighttime restlessness and literally fall asleep three minutes into the meditations every single time.

    2. It sounds like you need a vacation. :) Even a weekend getaway and maybe a hiatus from technology.

    3. Oh, it’s totally a thing. I’m notorious for coping FINE during the actual stressful event, then falling apart when it’s over. Stop trying to find a “reason” and accept it for what it is right now. That’ll take some of the mental pressure off. Take some time off work if you can; even 1-2 days to just rest and recuperate may do wonders for your state of mind. If you can’t do a yoga class right now (understandable), try a yoga app or something you can do at home before bed.

      1. +1. Don’t fight it, and it’ll reduce more quickly. Get wound up, and the anxiety will just stick around. Ask me how I know.

    4. Are you getting enough nutrition to support the kind of stress you’ve been through? I don’t think it’s normal for either current or recent stress to cause these kinds of symptoms.

    5. I don’t have clinical anxiety, but I’ve had something similar happen – intense time at work coincided with personal/emotional bullsh-t, put my head down and powered through the work stuff only to start having disturbing dreams about the emotional thing literally the day after the deadline. Your body and brain are just catching up. Take good care of yourself. I second the suggestion to do yoga at home if you can. I like the Down Dog app and YouTube is of course a treasure trove. Hugs to you!

    6. Have you tried intense cardio? I find it’s the only thing that actually gets me out of my head and calms me down when I am very anxious. I like spinning.

    7. Yes, in my experience it’s totally a thing! Unscientific things that may or may not have helped me cope:
      – 5-minute meditation sequence (guided) on the hour, every hour
      – Dragging myself to yoga even if I haven’t slept and am tired (unless I slept <4.5h, in which case, God help me) — I usually feel somewhat better after
      – Talking a walk outside at a set time
      – Travelling over the weekend; interestingly, if I'm in the middle of sleep issues I tend to sleep better in a completely new (preferably relaxing, dark) setting
      – Taking a day or two off if I can swing it
      – Vitamin B complex, magnesium, and vitamin C and D supplements on a regular basis
      – Eating "clean" food (mainly salads and vegetable soups for me with a protein thrown in, no alcohol or caffeine, less sugar)
      – Switching off all electronics at 11 pm and trying to go to bed early (easier said than done)
      – Reading a book of short essays before bed
      – Soothing audiobooks (that I already know the plot to) on sleep mode, if I have trouble falling asleep
      – Gentle, not-painful full body massage/spa session
      – 15-minute lukewarm bubble baths

      I've googled and came across the term "adrenaline fatigue" — I don't know if this is actually a thing amd it doesn't seem to be acknowledged from a medical standpoint, but the symptoms you describe (and I experienced) come close.

    8. This is a thing! You need to complete the “stress cycle” so your body realizes it’s not under threat anymore. Cardio, heavy weights, punching bag, primal screaming. Yoga isn’t cathartic enough for this.

    9. This is absolutely a thing. I would focus more on sleep and nutrition than yoga, as long as you’re getting some exercise (especially if it’s your standard amount). Maybe find something that is helpful to you for winding down in the evening like a book or meditation if you’re having a hard time falling asleep. I also don’t think it’s a terrible idea to force the sleep with a medication right now (but of course ask your doctor). Sleep is one of the most important aspects for emotional regulation so it makes sense you need more of it. I have had one bout of recurrent acute anxiety and getting sleep meds right was the most helpful piece (not the only, of course) of getting things back under control.

  24. There was a thread a few weeks back with recommendation for longer running shorts. I can’t find it, but could anyone else help?
    Thanks!!

  25. Thoughts on Joe Biden’s 2020 video that was released this morning? I found it very refreshing.

    1. I just can’t stop thinking about what a different world we’d be living in if his son hadn’t died.He’d have run in 2016, won the primary and won the general election. Trump would just be a footnote in American history. Ugh.

      1. I actually don’t think he would have run in 2016 against Clinton. The party had lined up behind her, and I can’t see Biden choosing to challenge her.

        1. He has said he would have run in 2016 but he was too grief-stricken and not in the right headspace for it. The party lined up behind her because the sitting VP wasn’t running and she was the next “in line.” (I like Hillary, fwiw, but I think Biden would have beaten her easily.)

          1. I agree with Anon at 11:17. I think his son certainly provided a very compelling “out” (I mean, I am not questioning his grief, I am just saying I don’t think he would have run in 2016 at the primary stage given the clear Hillary support).

          3. I though I read something back when Gore was running that a sitting VP has almost never won?

      1. Ditto, but my dream team is Biden/Doug Jones. I think Jones is someone whose service the country needs, but is unlikely to win another term in the senate.

      2. I’m hoping for this too – as much as it guts me to see two white guys up there again. I want Trump and his entire administration out of there, especially Pence.

        1. Yep. I would prefer Biden/Warren, but of any of the white guy candidates I like Buttigieg the most. I just want the orange monstrosity out. If he’ll leave….

      3. Yep, I think Biden/Buttigieg would be great. They’re both pretty moderate though, so he might be better off picking someone who espouses more of Bernie’s idea (though obviously not Bernie himself – he needs someone young, since age is one of his biggest issues). My dream ticket if electability were not a factor is Biden/Harris, but I’m concerned about the county’s ability to elect a woman of color, even as VP.

    3. I adore him. So many people my age are like ‘NO OLD WHITE MEN,’ which I see in theory, but I maintain: I don’t care who wins as long as it’s a Democrat. I’d even vote for Bernie, although I don’t like him. But I love Biden. The book about his son was beautiful and moving. I would love Biden/Warren, Biden/Buttigieg, maybe Biden/Harris?

      I really like Warren, although I don’t think she’s electable because people are complete se*ists (mod), and I also like Buttigieg but I’m somewhat concerned about his electability as a gay man. I have no problem with it, at all, but people like my grandparents do (“I’m fine with gay people, I just wish he wouldn’t shove it in our faces,” my liberal but 85 year old grandfather said the other day. So, be gay, but don’t show it) and we need that vote.

      1. There are reasons not to like Warren that don’t involve sexism. I’m a bordering-strident feminist and I don’t like her. She got a lot of stuff about the financial crisis wrong, intentionally, because it played well to audiences. She is smart enough to know better but went the populist way. I don’t respect her at all because of that.

        1. Do you like Bernie? Obviously there are conservatives and moderate liberals who aren’t on board with the Sanders/Warren policy platform who dislike her for reasons that have nothing to do with her gender. But if you like Bernie and dislike her, sorry, sexism is the answer. They largely share policy objectives and she is smarter and articulates them better.

          1. I despise Bernie Sanders – he harnesses anger and misogyny just like Trump does, but for somewhat different ends.
            Elizabeth Warren is a smart person who has gotten some really bad campaign advice, IMO. If she were the nominee, I’d certainly vote for her, even though I don’t plan to vote for her in the primary. Sanders would present a dilemma for me because it would be a tale of two Trumps in my book.

        2. Not voting for her for reasons like that is, of course, understandable. But for a lot of people who aren’t looking at it that intently, “she’s not likable,” “I just don’t like her,” “I don’t know why, but she just doesn’t make me feel like she could be the President” are the reasons they’ll use and I do think that is sexist reasoning. I didn’t mean to say there were no valid reasons people wouldn’t vote for her beyond that (or that there were no valid reasons to not vote for Hillary), but we saw so much of the above reasoning in 2016 and I see it happening again with Warren.

  26. Regular poster, anon for this, and feeling very sensitive, so please be kind.

    I’m pregnant, not married, working in biglaw. Pregnancy is early and only recently confirmed, so I’m not telling anyone yet, but when I do, I suspect I’m going to get some questions about the baby’s father. Some might be mean-spirited or nosy, but I suspect most will just be things like clients or colleagues from other offices saying, “Oh, I didn’t realize you were married!”

    Any advice on how to handle in a way that doesn’t invite further conversation but isn’t overly harsh? Like I said, I recognize that many of these comments will likely be well-meaning and I don’t want people to feel knuckle-rapped in that situation, but I also want to minimize the degree to which I have to discuss my relationships/reproductive choices.

    (I am planning to continue the pregnancy – I’m older and have wanted a child and am financially able and personally willing to do this as a single mother – so no advice needed in terms of those options.)

    1. If someone says “oh, I didn’t realize you were married!” I’d probably just say “Nope, not married” cheerfully. It’s pretty rude to ask follow-up. If people do ask follow-up, I think you can just say “I’m doing this by myself” (if you feel that’s a fair characterization of the situation). Honestly it’s not unheard of for older women to have children on their own with a sperm donor, so I don’t think you’ll really need to get into any details about the baby’s father.

        1. Thank you! It’s not how I expected life to go, but I am slowly moving from freaked out to excited + freaked out. And I guess most expectant parents are a little scared, right?

    2. “The father isn’t involved but I’m delighted to be having a baby!”

      Or “actually I’m doing this on my own, and very excited about it!”

      And to any follow up questions “I’d rather not get into the details thanks.”

      Congratulations!!!!

    4. Congrats~ embrace this surprise.
      I agree – cheerily respond “nope, not married”.

    5. Congratulations!

      Give a big smile and say, “Mr. Right never came along, so I’m flying solo on this!”

    7. Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your responses – they’re making me feel much less nervous about this particular piece of the situation.

    8. Single mom by choice and I’m very excited about it!

      This is what my friend who conceived by donor sp*rm did. She really didn’t want to get into the specifics with coworkers.

      Congratulations!

    9. Congratulations! I had a baby on my own too. She is now 18 and about to graduate high school and move away to college. Most people were polite enough not to ask about the father, and when they did, I would just say it was just me and her. Most people wouldn’t inquire further.

      1. Single Big Law associate chiming in to say 1) congratulations and 2) go you! It’s something I’ve thought about and haven’t reached a decision on. I’m impressed and a little inspired.

    11. Following with interest because I’m hoping to go the same route very soon and I too work in biglaw and am wondering how to handle questions.

    12. I’ve thought about having a kid on my own, and have worried about what I’d tell people. I decided my go-to response would be “It’s actually just the kiddo and I!”, or “It’s actually just the kiddo and I, and I can’t wait to meet the little one!” (to convey that this is happy news), or “It’s actually just the kiddo and I, well, and my parents and sister and my best friend and everyone else who is SO excited to meet the little one!” (to convey that lots of people are ok with this and they should be, too:-P).

      1. “The kiddo and me.” Sorry to be pedantic but that’s my #1 grammar pet peeve.

    13. I know this response is coming late but I hope you see it. :) IME as a woman who has been in your shoes, most people will not ask you about your marital status. Especially if they don’t know you very well. They will say congratulations and move on. If they do….I like the response “nope, not married” and change the subject to how excited you are to meet the little one.

  27. We’re going on a family vacation to Colorado in late June. We’re planning on going to Estes Park and maybe a day trip to Colorado Springs to see family — but otherwise we’re really flexible. Any must-do, must-see activities in the Front Range area? I’m lukewarm on going to Denver; we’ve been there, done that. Thought it might be fun to stay at one of the ski resorts if they offer summer activities. Would love to go whitewater rafting, but I think our youngest may be too little for that.

    1. How young is your youngest? I’d say that age 5-6 could handle an easier river, although of course you have to do what you feel comfortable with and what the rafting company recommends.

      1. Not in the Denver area, but I haven’t seen many whitewater rafting companies with an age limit that young. Most are 8+ and I’ve seen 12+.

      2. My daughter did whitewater rafting near Breckingridge at not quite 5 with DH, while I stayed at the rental house with our then 2 yr old. I heard it was a very easy river and she had a good time, although she was kind of cold. Other activities we did that trip were visiting a silver mine, going to a wild west style dinner, easy hiking around the ski mountain where we stayed, taking the ski lifts up to the top of the mountain to do the activities for kids at the top of the mountain (e.g., trampoline style jumping).

    3. If you are going to Estes Park, read the Shining!!! And then go stay in room 217 at the Stanley. The tour is fantastic! Also dumb and dumber was filmed in the bar–“We’ve landed on the moon!!!”

    4. My husband and I got married in Estes Park last June. Go to the magic show at the Stanley and eat at the dumpy little breakfast place in the shopping center directly below The Stanley. Their food is SO GOOD.

  28. I’ll be in Phoenix for several weekdays in May. I’d love to take an outdoor run/walk/short hike (maybe an hour?), and plan on having at least one morning and one evening on my own. So I’ll probably have at least one brunch-breakfast and one dinner on my own. Budget for meal by myself is $100, no dietary restrictions. I’ll be Ubering in Phoenix. Any suggestions for classic/cool Phoenix spots to eat or take a short jog/hike?

    1. I just went to Phoenix earlier this month.
      Breakfast at Eggstasy was v good.
      Dinner at North Italia was v good.
      Hiking at Sonoran Desert Preserve was v good. It might not be worth going for just an hour though.
      Enjoy!

    3. I’ve done Camelback Mountain and Estrella Mountain Regional Park on visits to the area. Depending on your home base a short visit is do-able.

    4. Late to reply, but my all time fave spot in Phoenix is Richardson’s Cuisine of New Mexico. Not fancy, but hits the spot, at the prickly pear margarita is not to be missed.

  29. Are pastel sneakers like “the thing” this year? I need a new pair of light walking around sneakers, and every brand I’ve looked at (NB, Nike, Ryka) has a full palette of washed out pastels. I want bright colors! My current ones are bright blue with pink accents. Any recs for brands that have brighter palettes? Also, I’m looking for sneakers that are more like minimalist running shoes, not Converse/Keds type canvas sneakers. TIA

    1. Consider going to a “real” running store, even if you’re looking for walking shoes. Let them know what you’re looking for. I feel like the actual running and athletic shoes are different from the fake normcore fashion shoes.

    2. I’m not sure what size you wear, but I am able to buy kids NBs and they always have fun bright colors (although hot pink, purple, and orange may not be your jam).

  30. Has anyone consigned furniture on C h a i r i s h and if so, what was your experience with selling and/or shipping? Tips?

    I have an inherited solid maple dresser set from the 1940s I’d love to sell off, either as a set or individually, as the pieces are too bulky for our small place. But unfortunately it’s traditional Queen Anne style and not MCM, so I doubt I’d get many takers on Craigslist or FB marketplace.

    1. I haven’t tried to sell anything on there, but I heard a great Business of Home podcast with the founder. They are very picky about what they list, and it sounded like they do a good job of handling the details for things they are willing to list.

  31. So I’m looking for a round 90″ diameter tablecloth for an approx 60″ round table and am finding it pretty difficult to find something reasonably priced. Any recommendations? I’m looking for either machine washable in a natural fabric (linen/cotton) or oilcloth (2 kids) or, ideally, both. I don’t like busy or traditional patterns, unfortunately.

    Also, I know there are sewers on here. I have no skills but my mom does and might be able to help if this would be something simple, any ideas if this would be worth attempting and if so, where to find large enough fabric?

    TIA!

    1. The easiest source of large enough fabric may be bed linen – I’m thinking of a heavy 100% linen which would make a lovely tablecloth.

    2. FWIW, I don’t do a ton of upholstery sewing, so I might be off on this. 90″+ wide fabric is going to be pretty difficult to find. Most upholstery fabric I’ve seen tops out around 60 or 70 wide. Obviously, you can put two pieces together if you don’t mind the seam. The other thing that would be a pain for me though is trying to cut and hem a circle. You’d need like a giant protractor, I think (but again, not something I’ve done, so maybe there’s a better tool here).

      Could you get a square tablecloth instead? Easier to find and also to sew (although you’d still have the problem with the fabric not being wide enough)

      1. Agree with this. Also doing a nice looking hem in the round takes skill, not a great job for an amateur.

      2. Thanks, this is what I was suspecting. Readymade it is…

        Hoping not to do a square as I think it would be too short in some places and too long in others…

      3. You could mark a 90 inch circle by folding fabric in quarters, then marking with a fabric marker tied to a 45-inch (plus hem allowance) string that you anchored at the corner.

    4. Ballard Designs for readymade. You can also buy fabric by the yard and piece it on the sides. So run the main width across the middle of the table, and you’ll have half moon shapes that you’ll need to piece in on the sides. Use fabric glue or iron-on hem tape.

    5. US King size flat sheets (super king in the UK). It seems like IKEA will only do flat sheets in sets (why?) in the US, but if you’re in Europe, any Swedish brand (IKEA, Ahlens etc.) do duvet covers and sheets in an appropriate size to use for a 90 inch circle.

  32. People have discussed books about productive arguments before – does anyone have any recommendations? DH and I have gotten into a weird spiral where our biggest argument is about how we argue and I want to snap out of it and come up with a better way forward. Thank you!

    2. I’ve suggested this before, but I’d recommend Stop the Fight!: An Illustrated Guide for Couples. It sounds corny, but my partner and I both found it really helpful for understanding why we react certain ways during arguments and how to have productive discussions when we disagree.

      We are both pretty aggressive/assertive/argumentative people (two lawyers…) and it was especially good for that dynamic. This is a small thing, but it is also very gender/sexual preference inclusive, and doesn’t start with the assumption that couples are male/female and dominant/passive.

  33. Interior design question: if you had a guest room with walls painted soft-yellow (probably about like Benjamin Moore Calla Lily, maybe a touch more muted), what would you decorate/use for bedding? Ceiling is white.

    4. I would do white bedding, and then for throw pillows/decor, either tropical-feeling with turquoise and lime, or softer with pink and red.

  34. I need curtains. I have a very wide (almost 7 feet) window, but it’s only about 70 inches, give or take, high. Wide curtains don’t seem to exist in a 72 inch length. The window is set in a way that full length curtains absolutely will not work (nor will any 84 inch, etc)

    I read all of the stuff about getting twice the feet of curtains that you need for the width to make it look right, but to do that I need like 13-14 feet of curtains. Is it best to just buy 3 or 4 52 inch curtains? I think that’s probably the best solution unless anyone knows of any wide, short curtains.

    Also, I don’t know what color to get. I’m in an apartment that is all white. Just, massive amounts of sterile white. Which is fine, it’s airy, but I don’t want white or off-white curtains. However, I’m not sure what color to get. I have a light grey couch (looks like grey linen, Ikea’s Karlstad from a few years ago). I have a dark red, vaguely Turkish area rug, and a yellow Ikea Strandmon chair (sun yellow). It doesn’t sound like it goes together but it works with accessories (largely in plum and multicolored pillows). But I don’t know what curtains would match. I absolutely cannot afford Pottery Barn/Anthropologie, as much as I love the look of their curtains. What would you do?

    TIA!

    1. Could you elaborate on the way the window is set up? Might have some suggestions! Also a nice ivory linen always works.

      1. It’s about couch-height off the ground, with a windowsill that’s wide enough for a cat to sit on (weird description, I know). It’s two separate windows, right next to each other, but with one single track for blinds (vertical slat blinds- I’m going to hang the curtains over the slat blinds track because the blinds are truly, truly awful). The left edge of the window is about a foot from my front door, which is part of the reason that full length curtains wouldn’t work.

    2. Ikea has some inexpensive panels that you can use iron / hem tape with, so you could get enough for the width and hem them to the right height.

    3. Take the curtains to a tailor. Either to sew curtains together to make them wider or to ‘hem’ too-long curtains.

    4. I had to hem the living room curtains I purchased because I needed a length that just wasn’t available (I think it may have been around 68-70 too?). There’s a radiator directly under the window, so the curtains couldn’t be longer than the window. I found some great options at Target, and ended up buying a patterned curtain there. I liked the designs at Wayfair, but the ones I ordered looked really cheap in person so I returned them. I liked a lot of the designs at Ikea, but there weren’t a ton of color options and nothing went really well with the colors in my living room. You can get some kind of a pattern that incorporates red and yellow and plum, or you can get plum or something that matches your other accept colors.

    5. The way I think about interior decorating, must have read this somewhere, was 3 parts: walls, furniture, floor. You want at least to be a neutral for your eyes to rest. If you have 2 neutrals, the 3rd will really stand out as a statement. So if you have a gray couch, that’s a neutral, right? Red rug is bright and it sounds like you have a lot of colors in the room to bring it together. So I’d go for another kind of gray texture for the curtains.

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