ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Mael Pleated Cap-Sleeve Keyhole Top

A woman wearing a white sleeveless top and black trouser

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m always on the lookout for fun, exciting pieces to wear to the office, but sometimes I find a “boring” basic that’s so perfect I need to share it with the world.

This cap-sleeved white blouse from Judith & Charles is one of my favorite styles to wear under blazers. (Yes, a cap sleeve is controversial for some who argue that the sleeve hits at an awkward spot, but my argument is still that they layer well under jackets and sweaters and still give an adequate amount of coverage if you’re hot and want to take the top layer off.)

I would keep this in my closet for those “I have nothing to wear days.” There’s nothing easier than a crisp white top with a blazer and trousers.

The top is $375 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes 0–14.

For a lower-priced option, this blouse is $39 at Banana Republic Factory and comes in XS–XL. (XXS and XXL have sold out, unfortunately).

P.S. Happy Halloween!

In a similar vein to this top, these are some other interesting but sedate tops for suits and more:

As of 2024, some of our favorite dressy tops for work outfits include ones from smaller brands like M.M.LaFleur, Amour Vert, Modern Citizen, The Fold, Tuckernuck, Melloday, and Saint & Sofia, as well as bigger brands like Boden and CeCe. Some great fancier sleeveless tops include options from Loveappella, this wrap top, and this high-necked option from Amazon.

dressy top for work outfits from MMLF; it is a pale pink and has a draped waist detail
M.M.LaFleur
A woman wearing a green silk blouse and green pants
Vince (exact)
dressy top for work outfits - a cropped T-shirt with a wrap at the waist
Modern Citizen
A woman wearing a green long sleeve knit top
The Fold (exact)

Sales of note for 12.5

306 Comments

  1. Just a little brag! My vacuum was making this rattling noise so I took it apart, figured out a nut had come loose, and then put it back together. Everyone I know IRL would look down at me like I’m a disgusting poor for that but I’m so proud I saved my vacuum from the landfill and it literally only took me 15 minutes and tools I already owned.

    1. You have terrible friends if they would think you’re disgusting for doing a minor repair…

    2. who do you know!!? You need some new friends! I would be proud if i had done that too… good on you!

      1. My friends get really annoyed with ‘that environmental stuff’ I think they feel like me repairing things is a criticism on their consumerism.

        1. So weird. I generally wouldn’t share my home repairs with my friends though so for all I know maybe they feel similarly ;).

        3. Reminds me of when I went to a party at my neighbor’s house and his friend lit into me because I have a Prius and solar panels. She started right off about how recycling is a scam, and went on from there.

          2. I feel like recycling aluminum cans is the only thing that provides a positive cash return. Others are good in that if you can recycle a thing at a cost, it may be a cost that is tolerable in terms of keeping things out of a landfill (which also has a cost), sort of like mending clothes or having shoes resoled (or remodeling a house).

            But that is ignoring the larger picture of: those are bad party manners.

            FWIW, I know plenty of people are aren’t eco-warriors who have Priuses because they initially could use them in HOV lanes. I wouldn’t make any assumptions except that perhaps the person you met needs to go back to middle school cotillion classes before she really sticks her foot in her mouth.

          3. No matter whether the person was right about recycling, it’s really rude to go up to someone who is simply existing and start berating them for their own choices.

          4. The recycling thing is super dependent on geography. Seattle had to do a major campaign in the past few years about how they *actually recycle* since the populace had stopped sending in recycling.

        4. I am proud of you! Fixing stuff is not only a great skill to have but by squeezing more life out of your vacuum, you save money and saved it from the garbage. Well done!

        5. I think telling people you’re doing it for environmental reasons can go over poorly since it is SO hard to avoid coming off preachy. Just say you’re proud of yourself for fixing your vacuum! Which you should be!

        6. Different approach: a decent vacuum costs about $300. It took you 15 minutes to avoid needing to buy a new one. Unless your *post tax* earning potential is well in excess of $1,200/hour, it was an exceptionally good use of your time.

        7. So they like throwing away their own money? Setting environmental concerns aside (and I’m on your side in that regard), it’s stupid to just waste money. If they’re that wealthy that they will happily toss out appliances without even trying a simple fix, you should insult them by saying “old money doesn’t blow money” and see if they get it. (Kidding, don’t insult your friends.)

          1. It’s true, but I think if you ever had to be that frugal as a necessity, it feels different from doing it for thrift.

    3. 1. that is super cool. vacuums are my arch nemesis; i feel like I am constantly struggling with helping them stay in good shape.

      2. agree that you need new friends if they really would look down at you like you’re disgusting poor for being an effective adult human.

    4. Wow I can’t believe people would think that’s something poor people do. However, I grew up middle class where being self reliant and doing everything yourself was a very very prized attribute.

    6. Oh geez, you need better friends. I have a solid net worth and HHI, but fixing appliances is really one of my greatest joys. Go you!

    7. I’m jealous!!!! That’s extremely impressive in my book. I feel kind of helpless with household repairs. Maybe that’s how your friends feel and it comes across as judgment? Either way, nicely done!

    8. Well done! I’m not great at fixing things but I’m good at making do/creative solutions. And I also mend things. My favourite jacket has a split at the elbow seam and I’m going to do some visible mending and keep on wearing it. A set of sheets had a small rip, and I mended it. And I fix the holes in my son’s school trousers. I just think it feels silly/wasteful to get rid of things b/c of a small hole.

    9. I love it! I’ll share a similar brag – I’m feeling proud because I took a pair of my daughter’s shorts that got a huge rip in the seam to the tailor to have them repaired – I could get her another pair at the thrift for $1, which is less than this repair will cost, but I felt like it’s the sustainable choice because it will keep the ripped pair out of the landfill a bit longer, plus I’m supporting a local service business.

        1. She may not have time or supplies or confidence that her mending will last as long as a tailor’s. Plus she’s giving a local person money to do something that is less wasteful.

          1. My teen daughter would probably complain about my handiwork – I’m not bad at simple sewing but a real tailor would do a better job at almost anything.

        2. Why does it matter to you?
          She wants to pay a tailor to do it, that’s all any of us need to know.

      2. Wooooh! Amazing I’m so proud of you. We should have weekly repair brag threads where we can talk about the awesome things we do to save our items.

      3. Yes to this. I have a $300 wool rug from TJ Maxx that I love. It costs nearly $300 to have it cleaned by the nice couple who run the rug-cleaning business. I would much rather give them $300 than give it to TJ Maxx for another rug,

    10. Fantastic! We actually own 3 vacuums we found in the trash, 2 of which are Dyson stick vacs that I absolutely cherish.

    13. We repair as long as we can before we replace, and not for environmantal reasons, it just makes the most sense financially.

    15. what!! I LOVE that you’re saving things from the dump and using things as long as possible and also being a badass fixer of things with all the skills. even if I could buy another vacuum I’d much rather fix the one I had. Good for you!!

    16. Everyone I know IRL would look down at me like I’m a disgusting poor for that

      Is this true? Or is this a story you made up in your head?. I know my share of rich folks. This seems like the fever dream of an insecure person, not a thing anyone, let alone everyone, has every expressed to me.

      1. It’s not some invention of my mind! Last time I brought up a repair I did (I fixed a hem on a skirt that had fallen), I was asked if I did that because I “couldn’t afford to buy a new one?” Uh no I just wanted to save a beloved garment.

      2. Not the OP. I have had some people look down on me because I do a fair amount of my own car repairs (usually saving myself $500+ per afternoon of work, in addition to having enough high level knowledge to not get taken to the cleaners by unscrupulous mechanics).

        It’s not my insecurity – it’s theirs. It’s not the rich people doing it (they appreciate my tenacity, if anything); it’s the people who want to cement their position as “not middle class” by crapping on anything remotely blue collar or frugal.

    18. Go you! I’m impressed!

      I remember when I figured out how to repair my washer. It was a $7 part that saved me a $150 home visit + the inconvenience of waiting around for a repair person. A lot of this stuff isn’t complicated to repair and YouTube is a wealth of information.

    19. Good for you! When I managed to replace my own kitchen faucet I told EVERYONE and changed my social media avatar to Rosie the Riveter.

      You need new friends, my dear.

  2. I need help figuring out what to wear to my firm’s holiday party this year. It is in early December on a Saturday night in the Mid-Atlantic. This year we are holding it at a local Alehouse on the private second floor. Previously we held the party at the local country club and the attire was always formal. The invite did not come with any suggested dress code. FWIW, I’m plus sized and carrying extra weight in my stomach after giving birth to my second child six months ago. TIA!

    1. This is definitely a situation to ask a couple of coworkers what they think the dress code is/what they plan to wear. Could be anywhere from jeans to formal.

    6. I’d say velvet is your friend. It’s easy to “pass” as cocktail or more casual. I would do velvet pants and a dressy top or a velvet dress in a conservative cut.
      Maybe something like this in the black: https://www.eloquii.com/products/velvet-mini-dress-with-wrap-skirt/1084712.html?cgid=ZQ_Dresses&dwvar_1084712_color=4474658

      Or this: https://www.dillards.com/p/vince-camuto-plus-size-long-sleeve-velvet-twist-v-neck-long-sleeve-sheath-dress/517304243?sku=8490845&googleShop=Y&srsltid=AfmBOoqLMWfuVe_oq9NtL-nZS44Bky3oU7nxlUSWPjPAh6g1sidpzzMJiOw

      Or this is cute, too:
      https://www.dillards.com/p/adrianna-papell-plus-size-stretch-velvet-short-sleeve-tie-neck-dress/513582407

      Dillards also has a perfect velvet jumpsuit if that’s your jam (I’m too long-waisted usually)

      Maybe a little dressy–I’d pair with booties: https://www.dillards.com/p/eliza-j-plus-size-long-balloon-sleeve-v-neck-velvet-burnout-dress/517062292

      Oooh—or Eloquii has this really pretty pencil skirt that could be paired with a dressy blouse : https://www.nordstrom.com/s/velvet-pencil-skirt-plus/7590673?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=930

    7. Did an admin send out the invite? If so, try emailing that person to ask – not the whole listserve :)

      1. This is seriously like a vendetta someone has, lol. “My name is Inigo Montoya. Polyester: you killed my father! Prepare to die!”

        1. Not the original poster. I often regret buying polyester: it smells and doesn’t age well.

          1. Believe me, I think we all get it by now: some people really, really don’t like polyester. Repeating the point over and over doesn’t necessarily recruit more people to the cause.

          2. This is a fashion blog. I’m not trying to recruit anyone to the cause; I and the OP are simply expressing an opinion on an item of clothing. If you don’t want to hear commentary on clothing, maybe this isn’t the place for you.

          3. The polyester defenders here crack me up. I don’t like it, and I’ll certainly complain about it. I don’t get butthurt when people talk about not wanting wool or cashmere in their sweaters. I don’t understand why other people not liking polyester makes you so defensive. Is your father a plastic bottle or something?

          4. Anon at 2:37 – LMAO. Calm down. I love it when people here get prissy mad about the smallest things, it’s very entertaining and all, but it does make me wonder what happens in your real life when something genuinely upsetting happens? Do you just, like, absolutely lose it? And if so – are there videos posted somewhere I could watch?

      2. I’m with the OP that polyester should cost lots less. It’s like plastic. It’s made from oil and cheap cheap cheap to make and so so bad for the environment. Also will melt and give you terrible burns in a fire situation (worse than natural fibers). And as a personal gripe, it’s always full of static cling. We are over using cotton, wool and silk, but we can buy classics in those fabrics and wear them out. I personally avoid polyester if at all possible esp at that price point.

    3. And yet that is what seems to be out there. I thought I’d peruse Me & Em yesterday and it all seem to be viscose. Which I can’t recall if that is better or worse than polyester, but it’s not what I expected at that price point (for <$100, I could get a polyester dress from Banana Republic Factory that I could throw in the washing machine and dryer). At least polyester doesn't shrink or pill. But I'm not here for it. I used to thrift and ebay / posh to save $ and now I am doing it b/c it's just better fabrics.

      1. Yeah I think this is just how things are now? A few years ago I could reliably find 100% cotton sweaters just about anywhere for under $50, even at bargain retailers like TJMaxx. Now even the expensive stuff is polyester and acrylic. I’m buying things that are mostly cotton and rayon/viscose, but blends are unavoidable at my price point.

        1. What is a rayon / viscose blend even like? Is it hearty or the sort of thing that must be dry-cleaned and gets water spots if you run out in the rain and scorches under even a low-heat iron? I don’t want clothes that are unlikely to survive a full day with me.

          1. Sorry, I wasn’t clear. I’m looking at blends that include cotton, rayon and viscose. Usually the mix also includes polyester and nylon. I think the nylon helps with making clothes tougher.

          2. As a knitter, I agree on the nylon. Sock yarns are almost always 25% nylon for this reason.

      2. I liked “Jerusalem: A Biography” by Simon Sebag Montefiore. It’s a series of short stories spanning from the earliest recorded history of the region all the way to the present time, pretty much. It’s easy to skip through to the periods you find most interesting and really helped me understand the overlapping layers of history and why the area is so important to different groups.

        1. Sorry I don’t know how this ended up here, obviously was meant for the poster below.

    4. Yep. The race to the bottom in women’s fashion seems to be affecting all of the price points now. It’s getting harder and harder to find nice things.

  4. Boden. I’ve been eying Boden for years and finally ordered a couple of blazers and a top in petite. I’m petite, very petite like I’m built on a smaller scale than your average person. 5’1”, 30DD, 33.5 inch hips. Well, the petite blazers were laughably too big. Ok in the shoulders, way too long in the arms (despite petite sizing) but somehow cut for a Kardashian level of pear shapedness. Which I didn’t realize I’d have to account for in a blazer. Oh well, back to Ann Taylor, I guess. I totally feel like I’m just sized out of most brands at my height/weight. You can only tailor down so much…

      2. If a poster said that a brand’s larger size offerings did not work for her, would you also snark? If you wouldn’t shame a cusp-size or plus-size poster for “buying clothes that are too small”, why is it ok to do to someone who is petite?
        People come in different shapes and sizes. For those who are on the edges of or slightly outside commonly available sizes (whether that’s the lower or higher end), finding clothes that fit can be hard. There’s plenty of people here who I’m sure appreciate the review. If it’s not for you, just keep scrolling.

        3. From high school to present I have gone from one extreme to the other. It’s a misery either way.

    2. I am not petite, but Boden has never fit me at any size I’ve been since Boden was a thing.

      1. Hang on! I love Boden and it fits me well. I’m tall and straight, have no waist at all, little bit of a tummy.

      2. I ADORED my Boden Ottoman dresses. Easy, comfortable, fit me (average height, high waisted, busty) perfectly.

      3. Yep, count me in that group. Everything I ever tried from there fit me SO weirdly compared to similar items from other brands.

      4. I love Boden. I’m tall-ish (5’8″) and curvy. Sorry it didn’t work for OP but it works really well for me when typically nothing else does. I can’t even touch things like Theory.

    4. I am 5’2 with a large chest and it doesn’t fit me either. Neither petites nor regular sizes. I’ve given up.

    5. I purchased identical trousers, just different colors, from Boden a month apart. They were completely different sizes. When I called customer service they said it was because they came from different factory orders, like that’s even a thing. Never again with Boden. It’s not worth the effort.

      1. The different factory orders is a real thing. It happens with every brand and at every price point, because of how factories cut and sew the fabric.
        Presses cut pieces out of huge stacks of fabric and sometimes the fabric shifts slightly during the process which changes the fir of the finishes garment. If you’ve ever cut a stack of paper with scissors you’ll know what I mean.

        2. Yes, but that’s why reputable vendors will have quality control to weed out those garments sewn from fabric that shifted when cut, and send those garments to the “irregulars” or “seconds” market (outlet stores and the like). If Boden shrugs its shoulders and passes off irregular garments as meriting full retail price, then I’m with Anonymous at 9:46 am, not for me.

    6. I want to love Boden and I really loved the Ravello top back in the day. But anything else I’ve tried has never fit me (5’4, somewhat curvy and high waisted size 6ish). I think it’s built for people taller and slimmer than I am, but it sounds like the petite sizing isn’t great either.

      1. I have read that it is for Kate Middleton-shaped people, tall with a long torso. I’m short with a very short torso and can really only wear jackets and some blouses. The dresses from there that have worked are shifts — when you add in shaping, it’s not in the right place for my body.

        1. Huh, I’ve heard it was for short torsos, which might explain why I have a few Boden dresses and tops that worked. I’m very busty but otherwise somewhat rectangular (yet pudgy) and 5’6″. I haven’t found much I like in the last couple of years though.

        2. Nope. I have a long torso and everything from Boden is too short-waisted for me. The “long” sizes are only longer in the skirt, not the waist. All frumpy and dumpy.

          2. Yep. Very frustrating to buy a “tall” size and have it be too long and also high waisted.

    7. The best things at Boden are the dresses, which tend to be drapey and flowy. I find the dresses fit me really well–I have long legs, a short torso, flat chest, and fairly robust shoulders. Sweaters from Boden have also worked for me because they are not too long. Blazers are just…really hard to fit, since they have so many pieces and seams and such.
      Maybe go back and try one of Boden’s jersey dresses in a fun print or bright color–that is really what it does best.

    8. I’m tall, lanky (arms and legs), but short waisted. Slightly curvy waist, not too buxom. Boden fits me perfectly and 80% of my work wardrobe is from there. Their pants are usually not long enough for me, but they fit in the waist.

      I love Boden.

      Also, if you love Boden, protip–they do sample sales along the East Coast twice a year. They’re hard to find the information for, but call up and ask–nothing is over $40 and I have gotten some really lovely pieces for a steal.

    9. Hmm. This wasn’t my experience with Boden blazers. I’m petite and short waisted and my Boden blazers fit me better than any others I have.

  5. I’m looking for recommendations for press on nails as a gift to one of my office assistants for Christmas. Don’t worry–she gets cash too, but this particular assistant puts a lot of value on personalized gifts. So, usually I get her something I know that she uses/likes, but she doesn’t want to spend the money on for great quality. I don’t personally wear them, so I don’t know where to start.

    2. Kiss nails are the bomb and if you go to their website (not drugstore amazon) they have all the updated seasonal designs. Holiday szn is my favorite press-on nail time. I would love if a boss gifted me some!

    3. Another loud voice for kiss nails. I’m clumsy and lift weights and they reliably last 7-10 days.

    5. Static Nails or, if you want something a lot fancier or blingy, nails from the Nailest. Kiss nails are ok, but they aren’t the best in the mid point price range. Static Nails in particular are strong but have a thinness and opacity that looks a lot more natural.

  6. How many appointments would you say it takes before deciding if the therapist is a good fit? I’m on my second this year – therapy was one of my main goals for 2023. I stopped with the first one after about 2 months because I felt like she was content to just let me ramble and didn’t really provide any feedback. Then it took me 6 weeks to find and set up appointments with my current one. I’m about 6 sessions in and I don’t really feel like she hears me – seems to forget major details like the fact that I have a child and some of my biggest stressors are related to parenting challenges. I’m frustrated and don’t know whether to be direct about it or just shake it off that it isn’t a good fit and try to find someone else. I’d like someone who can challenge me and help me understand deeper motivations for my actions, and to help me navigate social relationships better. Are there certain buzzwords I should be using when trying to find someone?

    1. Remembering that you have a child seems pretty foundational. I don’t think that’s something that can be fixed with feedback. I’m sorry, finding the right therapist can feel a lot like dating and it sucks! I had two bad therapists (a couple years apart) before I found one I really liked. The first one was incredibly judgmental when I went in to talk about my drinking at age 23 – going so far as to proclaim my dad an alcoholic because I said he had one (1) gin & tonic most nights. It was not only phrased rudely and condescendingly but extremely irrelevant to the discussion I wanted to have. The second therapist I saw a few years later honed in way too much on my dissatisfaction at work and instead of trying to help me figure out why I felt that way, wanted to help me try to find a new career. After that I finally found a therapist who’s a good match for me. At first I thought she was too nice, but she does challenge me – she just is really polite about it. She will ask me questions so that I am forced to come to conclusions myself, rather than making a proclamation – which to me is a key tenet of being a good therapist. For example, instead of “you shouldn’t drink that much” she’ll ask “what is your goal with drinking that much?” All that to say, I would start looking for a new therapist. I think CBT is a good buzzword to look for but someone else will probably be able to share more about what that is. For me, it’s someone who doesn’t just listen but who asks thoughtful questions and gives me tips and exercises for working through challenging/triggering situations. Wishing you all the luck!

    2. It’s ok to move on! I think 2 appointments is plenty to decide if you like someone.

      1. +1. If you want to give it one more shot, be direct and see if you like how she reacts. But the ones that I have made the most progress with, I liked right away.

    3. One or two, and unpopular opinion but I think therapy is overprescribed as the solve. I think a lot of people would be better off talking to friends.

      1. I am with you. Only certain modalities of therapy such as CBT are demonstrated to be effective, and only when correctly implemented. The vast majority of therapists just charge a bunch of money to chitchat and many say things that are actively harmful.

      2. Hard disagree – based on comments here, at least 75% of people think it’s “not your business” to tell friends hard truths that they need to hear from someone, whether it’s that their husband sucks or they’re making other terrible choices with their lives. A (good) therapist will help people realize these things and then make action plans to solve them.

        2. eh, I don’t think anyone said you shouldn’t give your friends hard truths IF THEY ASK YOU.

          It’s the unsolicited “I’m just being honest” bullshit that is toxic.

      3. Ha, I sought out therapy because I realized I was talking to my friends about the same things over and over, and I don’t want to do that to them!

        1. Yeah I feel like I spin my wheels talking to friends and actually make meaningful progress in therapy

      4. Yeah, but needing to talk to someone is one of the major reasons to attend therapy! I never felt like a therapist was actively doing anything to “fix” me – but having that person to talk to, who was objective and helped me process my thoughts, made a huge difference.

      5. I’m with you. I think therapy is overprescribed as a solve because it’s really difficult and typically expensive (both in money and time) to find a therapist that is a good fit. It’s a horrible thing to suggest as the best and only solution to people when scarcity makes it really difficult to implement.

      6. I think that’s a very tough thing to say to a segment of the population that tends to be isolated and short on friends. Sort of the friend version of smug married.

        1. Not who you are responding to, but I don’t think one should be equating their therapist as their (paid) friend. Therapy should be about working toward a goal, not just a never-ending relationship trying to make up for a void elsewhere. No smugness in that. Just a genuine concern that folks with that sort of perspective aren’t likely to ever get out of the expensive relationship and be able to connect on a truly equal level with others.

    4. I fired a therapist after three appointments. She’s sexist, ignorant, insecure, and backwards – and I stand fully prepared to defend those statements.

    5. I’m discouraged by this post. I’m trying to help my depressed son find a therapist and he’s away at college. He went to campus services and got some head nodding and “that sounds tough” and quit after three visits. I worry a lot about him. I wish I knew how to find someone who would actually give him advice/coping mechanisms/etc. How do you find that person?

      1. Someone reading might have a suggestion. List the general geographic area. (Note that the rise of telehealth means that he could, for example, be going to college in Duluth but work with a therapist based in Minneapolis.)

        Beyond that, look for a speciality in his area of need – and it’s not a speciality of the therapist has seven or eight areas of expertise. Since you mention depression, I personally would skip the MSW-trained therapists and go for a PhD or an MD (psychiatry).

        The therapist should have an action plan after the first visit.

        1. BetterHelp has some good therapists & he can do it by video or phone. My DIL has had good success & it’s easy to switch until you find the right fit for you.

      3. The best way is to ask for CBT. Also spend the first session discussing goals and the therapist’s plan to get you there.

    6. I think you know in 3-4 sessions. Some words you may look for in addition to/different from cognitive behavioral therapy… solution focused therapy (SFBT) or schema therapy. I would also ask up front in an initial fit session how the therapist defines goals/thinks about progress. I’ve actually had decent luck with using betterhelp for shorter increments of time focused on a specific thing i want to work through.

    7. I think it should take one or two sessions. I had one session with a therapist who minimized my concerns. I didn’t go back. Then I found a great one. She asked me hard questions, I made progress, and I always left feeling optimistic, even if the session itself was difficult and emotional.

  7. Last time I tried cashmere joggers, years ago, they were super soft but so thin, I felt like they were not very flattering – showed a lot of lumps and bumps that heavier material helps smooth out or disguise. Also, the thinness made them not as warm as I need.

    Wondering if anyone has had a more recent experience that is better. It’s a lot of $$ to drop if it won’t be perfect, but as winter settles in, am craving comfort.

    1. I love my MM Lefleur cashmere set but these are not for leaving the house in.

    2. I think using cashmere to make joggers or any type of pants is a poor use of cashmere. Maybe a sturdy merino wool could work, but cashmere is too soft to hold its shape through an average day of sitting, squatting, bending, etc. I have merino wool leggings from minus33 that are warm and do pretty well. And, cashmere is too soft to hide bumps and lumps, etc. Try fleece or merino wool.

  8. It sounds like sausage is traditionally considered a “highly/ultra processed food” associated with negative health outcomes. In your view, does that still apply to higher-quality organic options? I’m looking at the label for these Applegate chicken sausages and I’m struggling to see what qualifies these ingredients as “highly” processed, rather than processed: Organic Chicken, Organic Apples, Water, Organic Honey, Sea Salt, Organic Spices (Including Parsley). I’ve never seen a health organization say “except for organic options” when talking about avoiding processed meats, though. I’d like to continue eating sausage because I find that I feel better with heartier breakfasts that have a protein, but all the dire warnings give me pause. Thoughts?

    1. Sausage (non-organic) usually contains unhealthy preservatives. I can’t imagine why those Applegate sausages would be unhealthy unless they have a lot of sugar in them (I guess).

      1. Nitrites are usually in sausages, lunch meats and other cured meats like bacon. There’s some evidence (trials in mice) they are associated with certain cancers of the digestive system. Since my family is genetically predisposed to those – DNA tested – we have been advised to avoid them.

    2. I read the UPF book and a lot of it resonated with me, but I don’t think it’s a perfect science. I think things made out of whole ingredients are obviously processed but don’t have the additives, stabilisers etc. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good.

    3. Usually the issue with sausages and other cured meats is nitrates, and I quickly google how Applegate gets around this – apparently they use “natural” nitrates found in celery. Is this better or worse than other options? Are nitrates even actually bad? No freaking clue.

      I love sausage and would cut a year off my life for it. But if you are concerned, lots of extremely high protein yogurt options now exist. Are they less processed? Who can say…

      2. Yes this. The issue with processed meats is different from UPF in general and the data are pretty clear that high consumption of processed meats is linked a bunch of adverse health outcomes. If you like them and want to eat them in moderate amounts anyway, that’s fine, but I definitely think it’s scammy the way that these companies pretend that using celery juice and calling it organic isn’t exactly the same as just adding nitrates. I wouldn’t want to support that and would rather eat regular sausage if I were to eat sausage at all (I don’t).

      3. Applegate does not list the celery juice ingredient for the breakfast sausages. It is listed for their bacon and probably other things.

        1. I think that by powdering it they can call it a spice and don’t have to disclose further. I could be wrong, but I don’t think you can get sausage flavor without nitrates.

          1. Some sausages are cured (like Spanish chorizo or salami), but a lot of types (like Italian sausage in the US) are just ground meat with spices mixed it. They aren’t cured at all.

      4. Colon cancer survivor here who is working with a nutritionist. She advised avoiding all sausages, even “organic.” I would focus on getting the protein another way–like trying different types of egg dishes. Or adding protein to a smoothie. It will keep you full just as long but without the high risk. My nutritionist is of the philosophy that everything is OK in moderation except for processed meats (I still eat some beef, sweets, etc.) for whatever that’s worth.

        1. If I grind up some meat in my kitchen and form it into sausages, what makes it different or more processed from if I formed it into meatballs or meatloaf or just cooked it and ate it unground?

          I understand about processed meat sausages, but I’m still going to chew my food and I’m not convinced that a meat grinder is that different from chewing.

    4. Eat the sausage. Processed food is not a bad thing. The ingredient list looks pretty good on that. I would be more concerned about a long list of ingredients that you have to google to figure out.

    5. Yes of course those Applegate sausages are every bit as processed as any other sausage. Perhaps more since they are mass produced and designed to last versus freshly made at the butchers.

      1. Wouldn’t freshly made ones also fall under the umbrella of “don’t eat sausage” from major health orgs? They never list exclusions.

      2. Everyone I know buys some form of mass produced sausage, I don’t know anyone who gets it from the butcher.

        1. Our local Italian butcher makes their own sausages in a few flavors and they are amazing, we buy the pinwheels for cookouts and everyone raves about them. They also sell them in bulk (without the casing) which is fantastic for baked pasta dishes. It is a shame that seems to be a dying option (as are stand alone butcher shops!).

        2. I do! I live in a neighborhood with a lot of Italians/Italian-Americans, so there’s plenty of freshly made sausage and mozzarella around. Both of which I enjoy!

        3. My local butcher makes all kinds of sausages and I usually buy 4 every time I’m in. Easy meal.

    6. It still has hidden nitrates. I don’t think there is research specifically on natural nitrate sources, but they most likely have the same risk of causing stomach and colorectal cancer.

    7. If you’re up for it, you can just by ground meat and add spices used in sausages. I know this doesn’t help with the need for a link-type of sausage. A quick search will get you recipes. Applegate is a good alternative.

      3. I was going to suggest this, too. I make sausage patties and freeze them and at least I know what’s in them.

    8. Artisenal or a proper butcher’s sausages is the way to go if you want processed rather than ultra processed.

      If you can see specks or fat and there’s a less fine structure, it’s less processed.

    9. I always thought those warnings had to do with what sausage is made from and how it’s made. It’s why I always get kosher hot dogs, but perhaps they’re no better?

    10. I don’t consider sausage a highly/ultraprocessed food unless it is highly/ultra processed. Something like kielbasa is processed because it’s cured, as I understand it, but not all sausage is cured in any way!

      Organic doesn’t have as much to do with processing these days. I know it used to, but now they just made “organic” versions of a bunch of additives, so you have to make sure there’s no organic guar gum or “celery salt” (which is a source of nitrites; it’s like when people refuse to take statins and take “red yeast extract” instead). I think they sometimes hide the nitrites under spices or flavorings (haven’t looked this up recently to see if that’s current). The celery salt products sometimes have even more nitrites, and I don’t think the celery ones are any better (it’s not one of those things like where inorganic phosphate additives are more strongly associated with heart disease than the organic phosphates found in foods).

      I’d stick with fresh, local sausage if you happen to live in a place where it’s easy to find!

  9. What’s the professional name to ask “what the heck are you talking about” to a message asking what the status of XYZ is – when they definitely never asked my team to do XYZ.

    1. i would do it by phone not in email. something like “i got your email…. i’m a little confused?”

        1. Especially if this person is senior to you or has more power in a project than you do.

    3. “As I understand your email, you’re asking for XYZ. That is the purview of the marketing department. I’ve cc-ed Jenni from Marketing on this email.”

    4. If XYZ is something your team is usually responsible for, I’d suggest picking up the phone as a prior commenter suggested. But either way, I think you want something written confirming that you didn’t get the request. Something like “Hi X – I checked our team channels, and I’m not seeing any previous messages about this request. We’d be happy to assist. We’ll need [info] to get started. Typically, these projects take [time].”

  10. Has anyone at VP or senior director level successfully taken some kind of accommodation/lean out temporarily for personal (childs health) reasons, what did you ask for and how did it affect your position in your company and your career after? I need to do it without question, I am wondering what is reasonable to ask for and how to manage it.

    I need to dial the work effort and stress down to focus on my child’s mental health. She is medicated with depression, my boss knows it has been very hard and he has been supportive. Things have gotten much worse with her lately, I need to either find a way to temporarily dial back a lot at work for a few weeks to ahve time for her and to take a bit care of myself because I am completely burned out and breaking down. I lead two teams at the VP level in a small tech company, prof. services (one of 3 VPs). I am wondering what temporary lean out even looks like at this level. It is very hard to not be always on when I am accountable for financial targets and both bringing new business and delivery. Just delegate like crazy? Ask some colleagues to take over some matters? Part time days? Temporary leave? If anyone has been there I would appreciate advice how to do this without tanking my career if that is possible, or should I just lean out quietly and look for a lower level job somehwere…

    Husband is already an equal parent and partner in everythjng and we have made the rest of our life as easy as we can. I am lookimg for solutions specifically at work, if they exist.

    3. If it’s a temporary problem, taking FMLA is your best bet. IME being totally gone is better optically than being half in. People understand leaves but they aren’t forgiving of leaning out. For a longer term issue, it’s pretty tough to stay at your level and not give 100% to the job, your better option is you or your husband moving back down the ladder to an individual contributor role with a lot of flexibility.

    4. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Depression is a beast.
      First question – does your org qualify for FMLA? Intermittent FMLA can protect your job while you need to be in and out for appointments, etc.
      Second question – what are your direct reports like? Are there any that seem eager/ready for greater responsibility?
      Finally – I know someone who went through something similar (high level, small company, sick kid) and they are CEO now. They made it through.
      Wishing you the best – I hope your daughter starts feeling better soon.

    5. Thank you for the kind words. It seems you are confirming what I suspected – temporarily out is better than half in. I am in Canada, not sure what the equivalent of FMLA is here. I could take vacation days including unpaid, I would not.lose my job over temporary leave, but I am just not sure how long it would take.

      2. Also Canadian – have a look around the Service Canada website – I think we have a 15 week part paid leave for seriously ill kids. If not, there may be paid or unpaid leave available through your employer.

      3. Yes, unless all your work is assigned by one person who can control the amount of work you have, you are better off taking leave. Others have no idea what you have on your plate and will continue to ask for things, and it’s really hard to say no because you are temporarily part time when you normally would say yes. And before you know it you are full time without intending to be. If you are fully out, those people will just have to find another solution until you are back.

    6. If you were hospitalized tomorrow, who would you want to lead your team? Take the FMLA and suggest whoever you think is best to do your role on an acting basis. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, the work would still get done somewhere by someone. Prioritize your kid with zero guilt.

    7. If your child is in crisis right now, take off two weeks now. Get a doctors note if you need it. Same as if your kid was in a car accident or had to have major surgery. Stuff happens. Then, with clarity sort out what you need to ask for on an on-going basis and have a real discussion with your spouse about which one of you is going to take leave. Your biggest risk to your career is when you are half way in between – e.g., not out on leave and dropping balls. If you are out on leave, you are just that – out on leave.

    8. I see you are Canadian (so am I). Downtown Toronto lawyer. As a former American, I would take some of what the US folk are saying with a grain of salt.

      Depending on exact industry, etc., there is a much higher understanding of workplace accommodation for caregiving responsibilities. You certainly could try to go off fully, but I’ve also seen more openness to other arrangements. Something worth considering, depending on the specific folk you work with. I know you say you don’t want to disclose the “why,” but I’d suggest that in my experience people are way more forgiving when they understand on some level why you need the flexibility/lean out/etc.

      If it is “just” a few weeks, just let things not get done as well. It will not sink the boat, you are not that important (no offence). Especially in Canada, you can put on your out of office and have someone else triaging your email. I’d also think, truthfully, whether it is a few weeks breathing room you need or a more long-term solution.

      1. +1 to the comment above. There is no FMLA equivalent in Canada, but employers are aware of their duty to accommodate. This can include caregiving responsibilities when you are responsible for the child.

        I would approach your employer with a couple leave or reduced work options that would work for you, and that you think would work for the business. Your employer is required to provide a reasonable accommodation, but not a perfect accommodation. A temporary leave of absence is generally a reasonable accommodation. Avoid, if possible, multiple extensions to that temporary leave as that will frustrate most employers.

        Just FYI – they may, and can, ask for medical documentation to support the reason for your request. This can be as simple as a note from your child’s medical practitioner saying that they are having a serious health crisis and require additional in-home support for at least X amount of time.

    9. You need to take FMLA. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Talk to your boss and HR. Many years ago my boss took FLMA to care for her very ill father and if I remember correctly she took Fridays and Mondays off for a few months. Her boss worked to move the work around. Decide what you need: half days, two full weeks off, etc.

    10. No personal experience, but years ago my old director’s child made a suicide attempt and he took an extended leave related to that. It didn’t seem to affect his career and he’s now a VP at the same major corporation.

    11. My eldest was in crisis and I didn’t take time off because leadership worked with me. I was the divisional cfo of the technology group.

      Yes it was tough but I’ll never forget how powerful it was to know I could focus on my child and not worry about my career. Of course I worked overnight. It was exhausting.

      As a parent, I caution that depression is often a symptom of neurodivergence. If this is the case, by all means try medication, but my experience with my eldest (daughter with ASD who is high functioning) has been that medication didn’t work but making changes to her environment (small class sizes and highly structured schedule) solved enough of the depression and anxiety that we could use CBT to address the remaining issues.

      1. I wrote this with all the right intent but missed the most important part which is that you know your child needs you. Take the time you need. Our children are our legacy in that they are what we leave on this earth. Your career will be fine.

        Family always comes first. It’s a sign of strength that you have your priorities straight. If you are worried about the finances, if you own your home and are able to do so, before you step out I recommend getting a HELOC in place for 12 months of living expenses. I also really like the suggestion of taking 2 weeks now to get a plan in place.

        I’m so sorry your family are going through this. It’s hard work and a lot of luck by all to come out of it right side up. I hope you guys find success.

      2. I would be wary of anything you find on YouTube. Also, pay attention to the time frame because anything that starts in 1948 is not telling the whole story.

        I submitted a number of links below, but they have been in moderation for a while. Please watch for them.

    3. There’s a vox video called Gaza, explained which I really liked. The new vox series of explainers is surprisingly good.

      1. i hit my quota of free access with slate and can’t get into it but i will look at this one…

      2. Thanks for the PSA. I’ve been trying to make it through the library copy of a peace to end all peace and legit the font is like size 7. I’d pay 1.99 for a kindle version just for the adjustable font!

      1. I just got this from the library. I read a list of important books and wanted to read something with accuracy but they were all 400-600 pages and too heavy for my schedule. The one that I am trying is “The Iron Cage” by Rhashid Khalid, also from my library: His other book is on the Slate list. Jerusalem the Biography’s author wrote a big piece in the Atlantic last Friday that someone posted a link to. The article was fabulous and I learned a lot from it.

        So many books, so little time.

    6. I liked “Jerusalem: A Biography” by Simon Sebag Montefiore. It’s a series of short stories spanning from the earliest recorded history of the region all the way to the present time, pretty much. It’s easy to skip through to the periods you find most interesting and really helped me understand the overlapping layers of history and why the area is so important to different groups.

    8. Beacon Press has made a number of their books about Palestine free (ebook versions obv).

  12. Dude Ranch Vacation Question

    Good morning hive! Has anyone been to a dude ranch on vacation? We are thinking about taking my 6 and 8 year old and were wondering a) if this is a good idea (or too young) and b) if anyone has any recommendations. We are open to anywhere in the US/Canada and are ideally looking for somewhere where we can do the activities together (vs. a separate kids camp). Thanks!

    1. A relative went to Red Rock Ranch in Wyoming over the summer (with kids) and loved it.

    3. Yes, we took our kids a few years back – they were (at the time) 2, 9, and 11. At the one we went to, I think 5 was the minimum age for horseback riding, which was the primary activity. We loved it – there was a lot of stuff that you could do together, but there was also a kids camp and that did have some amazing kids-only activities (like a trail ride up to a ridge for s’mores, an overnight trail ride campout, and a rodeo on the last day of the session). Our toddler was too young for kids camp, but they had babysitting onsite and he had tons of fun playing outside with the off-duty staff who babysat.

      The one we went to was Lone Mountain Ranch in Big Sky, Montana, so you could also take a day trip to Yellowstone with a trained naturalist, which was awesome. It was incredibly expensive, but great.

      1. + 1 to Lone Mountain Ranch in Big Sky, Montana. My very large family went and we had a contest for who would wear the best Western outfit to dinner and it was so much fun :-)

    5. My dad took me 3 years in a row to a place in upstate new york when I was somewhere between 8 and 11. No specific suggestions but I loved it as a horse obessed tween and he had a good time too. iirc there were different levels of rides and lengths on skill and age level.
      There was a program to go out and feed and brush the horses in the mornings for the kids, walking trails with a pond, a small farm, archery range and in door activities.
      We went up in October so there were hay rides and a spooky night ride and halloween activities.

    6. We went to Eaton’s Ranch in Wyoming for an intergenerational family vacation years ago and had an amazing time!

    7. Yes! We went to Lost Creek Ranch in Wyoming this year. Enjoyed by all: 8 year old daughter, my middle-aged and not wildly athletic self and husband, and my in-laws who are in their 70s and active. My husband and I did a ton of horseback riding, my daughter flipped between riding with us and doing kids club activities, and my in-laws probably did widest range of activities including enjoying the spa. The food was great, all meals were together so even if kids chose kids club activities they weren’t sequestered away. The staff was so knowledgeable and kind. Highly recommend!

    8. We went to Drowsy Water Ranch in Colorado and had a great time with our large extended family (the kids were ages 2-10). 6 and up can ride, but there are still activities around the ranch for the younger kids. There were some separate activities, but also family rides and the meals and evening activities were together. We also all went together to a included rafting trip down the Colorado for a day. I thought it was a good mix of separate and family time. The kids often ask when we can go back.

    9. Someone on the mom’s page recently posted about taking kids to a dude ranch for fall break. I forget the name of it, I think it was in Arizona. You might ask there.

    10. Music Meadows Ranch in Westcliff, CO gorgeous location and great for all levels and ages.

    11. We went to Rainbow Ranch in Colorado several years ago. It seemed fine and geared towards families. We chose it because it was close to Antonito, CO which is the northern access point to the Cumbres & Toltec train ride. Best ever train ride and we have been on quite a few.

  13. Anyone have suggestions for workhorse, affordable cashmere (or wool/cotton blends, I guess)? I was hoping Quince would be the solution, but the quality doesn’t seem to be there.

    1. the quality isn’t anywhere sadly. J Crew, Bloomingdales, both thin and lousy. I was debating trying talbots as i know people here say they still do things like put linings and pockets in their pants so i thought they might be better sweaters.

      1. Talbots isn’t awesome but it’s certainly better quality than the Nordstrom house brand. Antonio Melani at Dillard’s is surprisingly good quality.

    3. I saw a headline somewhere recently about sweaters being generally poorer quality than they used to be. I mean everything else is…

      1. I remember when they were densely woven and you could fold them neatly and store them in a drawer and there were no creases. Alas.

      1. I have Everlane cashmere from last year and absolutely do not recommend. Thick and soft, yes, but now pilly and crummy looking after less than 12 months. I get that all cashmere will pill some, but IMHO this is a lot of pilling, and the bigger problem is that the sweater as a whole just looks sort of bedragled and bad.

    6. I stalk Brooks Brothers for their silk/wool shawl neck sweaters to go on sale. I also find Lands End and LLBean very good for thick cotton/wool sweaters. The LLBean fisherman sweaters aren’t particularly soft but they are probably some of the warmest ones I own.

    7. I haven’t looked in a couple of years, but Bloomingdale’s had a house brand of cashmere that I liked. And it usually goes on pretty good sale around Thanksgiving and of course after Christmas.

      Lord and Taylor had good house brand cashmere, too, but I don’t know if they exist anymore. Macy’s house brand (maybe Charter Club?) was decent, too.

      I wonder if men’s lines have better wool?

      1. Agree on looking for Vince on sale. The brand sometimes has very excellent sales– I got a beautiful cashmere crewneck at one of their “vault” sales for $99 last year– and mine have all worn beautifully. The cashmere is thick, has not pilled, and they have been bedrocks of my winter wardrobe.

    9. I’m like a broken record on this, but Uniqlo. Not necessarily the cheapest, but nice and not too bulky.

    10. Try Naadam. I have two cashmere sweaters from them that are thick, soft, and luxurious. They’re not quite as cheap as Quince, but the quality is much higher.

    11. My best cashmere is from Land’s End. I have cashmere from Eileen Fisher, Nordstrom house brand, J Crew, Macy’s house brand, and Neiman Marcus, and the Land’s End is still better. Eileen Fisher comes in a close second. The others are a very distant tie for the bottom.

    13. Uniqlo. My MIL works in textile importing for high end apparel companies but for herself she buys Uniqlo

    14. I’m wearing a James Perse cashmere sweater I picked up at the thrift store and it’s in perfect condition. I may be making assumptions here but since I bought it second-hand I assume it’s been used and aside from the general soft/fuzzy look it looks great. However, full price I think it was like…$300 or something.

      1. James Perse cashmere would be much, much more. I’ve been extremely disappointed with quality and sizing– across the board, not specifically cashmere– with them recently. I used to have more JP than any other brand but I’ve stopped buying. Secondhand (the older, the better) is the way to go with them.

  14. Solve a disagreement for DH and I. Last weekend I went to a bachelor e t t e party. I was the only person within driving distance, so I offered to buy food, booze, and other things that arent air travel friendly (disposable plates, decorations) and everyone could pay me back. I’m struggling to figure out a fair ask considering all the leftovers that I took home because no one else could take them. DH thinks I should split almost everything (except things we’ll throw out or unopened plates/cups/napkins that we’ll use), I’m less certain.

    The pricier items fall into three main categories: 1) things we wouldn’t have bought ourselves but will probably use (ie expensive cheese and Veuve instead of Kirkland brand champagne); 2) things we cannot use and will dispose of (ie meat, we’re vegetarian, we’re trying to give it away but will have to toss anything past its expiration date); and 3) things that we don’t like but could in theory use, like the bride’s favorite wine, which is expensive, we actively dislike it, and it’s not standard-to-me like a Chardonnay that I could in good conscience give as a hostess gift even though I don’t like it – it’s going to sit in our house until the bride’s next visit. I agree with DH that we can ask others to help cover 2 but we’re disagreeing about 1 and 3. It’s about a $400 difference between our two approaches. I totally get why DH is pushing back on us paying $400 for stuff we don’t want, but I feel like the other girls won’t be super happy about chipping in for food and wine that we get to keep. What do you think is fair?

    1. I think you’re overthinking it. Just split the total cost among the number of attendees. Getting to keep the leftovers is your compensation for doing the work of buying and transporting all that stuff.

      2. 100% don’t make this weird just split it up evenly for everything that you bought.

    2. What would be the additional cost per person if you split the extra $400? To me, I would split category 1 but not category 3, and I would still regift the wine as a hostess gift. (Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean that someone else won’t).

      1. I don’t feel comfortable gifting unusual wine that I actively dislike. If it were something like an oaky Chardonnay that is perfectly fine if not everyone’s cup of tea, and I know the hostess (or enough of her guests) likes oaky Chardonnay, that’s one thing. But to my knowledge I have never met anyone else who drinks this wine, and everyone who tried it at the party made a face and discretely dumped it down the drain. I’d feel pretty embarrassed to bring That Wine to a party.

        3. You can give it to someone you don’t really like? Jk, but seriously I think you’re overthinking it a bit. I’m coming at this from the perspective of someone who doesn’t drink and never knows anything about the wine I’m giving, but I’m sure you can give someone this wine. Even if they don’t drink it, whatever.

      2. I responded separately but forgot to add – it was 12 people including the bride so it’s split 11 ways.

    3. Oops used a bad word. Trying again: I think you’re overthinking it. Just split the total cost among the number of attendees. Getting to keep the leftovers is your compensation for doing the work of buying and hauling all that stuff.

      1. +1. This wouldn’t bother me if I were a flying bridesmaid in the least because it would save me the hassle of buying stuff after landing and figuring out what to do with it later.

        1. Agree. I have never in my life questioned the person who the bought stuff on what I owed. Just tell them what their share is for what you bought.

      2. +1 I’ve split expenses like this before and it never even occurred to me until right now that technically the host got to keep the leftovers and therefore should have been a credit.

        If you’re getting into the nitty gritty of credits for leftover supplies, then you should really bill for your time shopping for all the items as well. Which of course is insane, and you should not do any of the nitty gritty.

      3. +2 with a caveat. It’s a bit of a know your audience thing; is everyone fairly well off and this wouldn’t be a hardship for anyone? Is this level of quality foods normal for your set or did you go overboard? (IMO Veuve for a bach party is unnecessary and it’d be kind of annoying for me to see all sorts of spendy snacks, though I wouldn’t outwardly complain).

        But, if you’re attending a bachelorette party and agreed to this task delegation at the outset then you also have to expect to split the cost.

      4. I agree. You did all the extra work of shopping and dealing with leftovers so you should get to keep them. I’m pretty cheap, and this still wouldn’t bother me if I were one of the other people attending. I’d just be glad it wasn’t going to waste and that I didn’t have to deal with it.

    4. I’d split it all and I don’t think anyone is going to question you about leftovers.

    5. Split the total. You did the work to get it there and make it easy on them. That stuff isn’t worth $400 and if it is, someone could check a bag home on a plane.

    6. I think you are being ridiculous! These were things agreed to and purchased for the party that would otherwise be in the trash. Deduct the unopened champagne if you want and send them a venmo request.

    7. In this case it sounds like you vastly overestimated the amount of food and supplies you would need. I agree with you that you should just absorb the $400.

      2. Fwiw everyone agreed on the shopping list and quantities. The Veuve, for example, wasn’t my request but I didn’t object nor did anyone else.

        1. Yeah, I hope your friends aren’t the kind of Ugly Cheap that would make you absorb expenses for leftovers after you did ALL the legwork, and they agreed on it! Just split everything and send out the email. Don’t think about it for another moment.

        2. Definitely split it!!

          I have been burned by people asking for a LOT of extra stuff because they weren’t the ones buying it. (Mom who once asked me to buy 4 dozen eggs for a recipe that ultimately needed 5 eggs – I’m looking at you. I gave away two dozen, ate a bunch of omelets, and still threw out a bunch.)

          Their inability to accurately judge what would be needed isn’t your fault.

        3. OMG I was already on team “split the total” but if everyone agreed on the shopping list and quantities, DEFINITELY split it all and do not consider this for another moment.

          You also say above that it would be split 11 ways, which is less than $40 per person. I would HAPPILY pay that to be the person not to have to schlep everything around and deal with leftovers. Send the email or Venmo request today and never think about this quandary again.

    8. How much extra do you have? Could you have returned the alcohol? Everything would either have been thrown out or returned if all of you were flying in, so if you bought a reasonable amount and there were some leftovers, then I think it’s totally reasonable to split everything. As a guest, I would just be happy that it’s not going to waste. It’s always hard to determine exactly how much to buy and you did the group a favor by buying everything, so I wouldn’t expect you to pay for the extra.

      The only circumstance where I may feel differently is if you way overbought expensive items like wine / Champagne that wasn’t opened. A few bottles, sure that’s normal, but if it was tons of extra bottles I would be annoyed that you bought so much upfront. Ultimately though if this was the case, as I’d probably still split it and just grumble to myself and chalk it up to something that can happen when someone is buying for a large group.

      1. +1 I came here to say return anything that’s unopened/unused then split the new total between the attendees.

        1. I would never ever expect my friend who did all the legwork to return the unopened stuff instead of just using it herself. And I’d pay my share. You may have responded before OP posted above, but this is doubly true in my mind when the attendees all approved and agreed on items and quantities beforehand.

    9. Split the total cost. You could also mention you have leftovers if anyone wants those, as you can’t use them.

  15. Has anyone noticed a decline in interest in gardening with their partner as a result of age? I recently turned 40 and have almost zero interest in gardening, including while gardening (it’s one thing not to be in the mood, but entirely different not to be able to get into the mood). I’ve been on the same birth control for 20 years, no kids, no unusual stressors, no changes in anything other than getting older. I mentioned this to my gyno and she didn’t think it was related to anything other than couples just have normal ups and downs, so I figured I’d crowdsource this and see if anyone else had similar experiences or if it’s truly just something that happens (and then hopefully goes away!) after a while.

        1. Huh? Average age for beginning perimenopause is 40-44, with some women starting to see symptoms in their mid 30s. Source: Mayo Clinic website

        2. A majority of women start perimenopause around ages 40-44. Some women even start in their 30’s.

        3. Many women start perimenopause by 40. I started around 36. (I’m mid-40s now and still have regular periods, to be clear. Perimenopause can last for 15 years before your periods stop.)

    3. I am thinking that the same birth control that was a good fit in the past may not be a good fit heading into perimenopause. I’ve had perimenopause type issues since I was young because of an endocrine condition, and definitely had 0% interest on birth control.

    4. I wish this would happen to me. We’re about your age and DH has zero drive now. He swears nothing is wrong. I’ve asked him to get his hormones checked but he won’t, he just keeps trying different vitamins (???). I feel like it would be so much easier on me if I had no drive too. My drive has dipped in the past year or so, but I’m not sure if that’s due to age/hormones or just the constant rejection.

    5. Absolutely, for both me and DH. We at least are open and joke about it, but it’s often the last thing we feel like doing. No one talks about it though. Age, peri, whatever, so much pressure to be 30.

    6. +1. This is my DH and me who are early 40s. Our relationship is still fantastic and we snuggle a lot, but neither one of us is that interested in gardening. Although, if we start, we get into it. It’s more like neither of us thinks to start.

    7. This happened to me in my late 30s. I’ve since had two kids and am now in my mid-40s, and it sadly has not gotten better. part of it is the exhaustion of FT work plus young kids, I’m sure, but I always previously had a pretty consistent interest in gardening with my partners (current and past) and it just kind of…disappeared. Idk what to do about it tbh. I should be clear and say that my DH’s interest has not waned so I feel particularly bad about this situation.

  16. Catching up on the past weekend’s posts. For the poster looking for corduroy pants, check out Gap’s “High Rise Corduroy Vintage Slim Pants”. They’re slightly cropped so the “regular” 27.5″ inseam was the perfect full-length pant for my short-legged self–no hemming was needed to wear these with flats or sneakers Woohoo! Otherwise, it looks like they also come in “long” 29.5″ inseam and “tall” 32″ inseam.

    I’ve been loving the olive green ones and just ordered both the maroon and navy blue ones over the weekend.

  17. Outsourcing some handbag opinions–I like luxury handbags and I’m looking to buy another one when I’m in Europe later this year. I already own a Ferragamo Top Handle, which is great for formal occasions, but I’m looking for one that’s more “every day” and doesn’t look totally out of place when paired with jeans and casual dresses.

    I was set on the Celine Triomphe in Chestnut, but recently came across the newly released Miss Dior bag and really love the pink color. I’m going to see them both in person, but wanted to throw it out to the hive and see what spoke to people.

    (Admittedly, I may love the Miss Dior so much because it reminds me of the Miu Miu Confidentiale, which I had a chance to buy and passed over–it’s since been discounted and I still trawl second hand sites looking for it)

    1. The Triomphe is classic but I see it around a lot in NYC, if that matters. I haven’t seen the Miss Dior much, and the pink color is fun and different if that’s your thing. Personally I would go for the Triomphe, but I get the sense that the Miss Dior might be a better fit for you.

    2. I think the Miss Dior is not a casual bag. It’s super cute but I don’t think going to fill the particular void you’re looking for. Have you thought about a Dior Bobby?

    3. I much prefer the old Celine box bag to the triomphe but i have an aversion to the new celine.

      Loewe has a few options including the bucket bag which i think serves the same purpose but in a different format than the ones you cited. if you want the old miu miu you should just look for a second hand one. save the search on fashionphile/rebag/ebay

  18. Have any of you ladies done NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) before or doing it this year? I’ve written for fun for years but trying the challenge for the first time this year!

    1. I’ve done it a few times! Won’t be able to this year, but I’ve always had a good time. The community resources are great, and the time boxed goal helped me just churn starting content out rather than obsessing over closing plot holes and figuring out every little detail, which is what always drags me down.

      Good luck! Keep us updated on progress.

    2. How fun!! I usually do something for NaNoWriMo, though usually not exactly writing 50,000 words. Last year I finished the 2nd draft of my novel. I think this year I’m going to focus on short stories and do the “Bradbury Challenge” for a month where I’ll read one short story, poem, and essay per day and write 1 short story per week.

      Good luck!

    3. This question seems to get asked every year so you might check archives if you don’t get a lot of response today.

    1. I got them, too, but found that they’re REALLY long. Like just under my bustline long. Unfortunately, they’re going back.

      1. I think they’re worth hemming but yes, they run long. Good for us talls – finally!

    2. I have a c@cktail attire wedding to go to at the end of December in a warm climate and can’t decide what to wear. Would these pants look good with a sparkly halter top? I’m quite tall so the length might be great for me.

      1. The length might be great. It all depends on how you want the fabric to drape. These are knit and are of a dense stretchy material, so they’re going to drape differently than, say, thin woven silk velvet pants.

  20. I have worked my whole decade+ career in government, and for the first time have gotten a message from a recruiter that is actually somewhat interesting. But I’ve never talked to a recruiter before and I’m not sure what kind of questions I should ask at this stage before deciding whether to apply. It’s a private small or medium firm (I’m not sure). I’m happy where I am, but the compensation would be 50% more than I’m currently making and I can work remotely several days a week, which is intriguing.
    Would appreciate any advice on what to ask.

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