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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I always like a good sweater blazer or jardigan, and this one from Talbots looks really promising. It comes in a ton of colors in all four size ranges (regular, petite, women's, and women's petites) and is handwashable. If you're on the shorter side, reviewers note that the sleeves and jacket run long, so you might want to try this one in petite. It's marked down today to $111-$126. Merino Sweater Jacket
(Don't forget to check out our recent roundup of how to build a work wardrobe at Talbots, as well as our roundup of the best jardigans for work!)
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Is it totally crazy I want this coat? https://emersonfry.com/collections/shop-all/products/vegan-leopard-coat
I don’t own anything leopard. I am 31. I am also pregnant so maybe not the most practical purchase. Its really not in my wheelhouse but I want it!
Talk me in to it or out of it!
Never too many shoes...
That is stunning. I love it.
Anonymous
Honestly, it’s beautiful. Her stuff is well made but tends not to be too tailored in the waist, so you could probably wear it now unbuttoned and get it tailored to fit later on.
AIMS
I love it. I think this is the kind of thing you don’t wear all the time but that you can have in your closet for decades to pull out when the mood strikes. FWIW, I bought a coat with a similar silhouette and huge fake fur collar last year, mid pregnancy, and do not regret it.
Anonymous
When I was pregnant and so sick of my boring maternity clothes, all I wanted was something fabulous like this! I totally get it. And I think you should buy it! You’ll always remember your pregnancy when you wear it. Plus you can wear it all fall, even though pregnant, just by leaving it open. DO IT.
Anonymous
I love it, I wish it was in my budget. Leopard coats are very classic imo.
Housecounsel
I absolutely love the coat and I think you must have it.
Anon
FWIW, I don’t think the average person on the street would be able to tell that it’s fake and you would therefore get the judgment of wearing a fur coat. Maybe that doesn’t bother you, but something to consider.
Anonymous
+1. It’s beautiful but I would give serious side-eye to someone wearing it.
Anonymous
Huh, my general assumption for “prints” is that they are all faux fur. Maybe I am not in an area where people have real leopard or zebra or whatever coats, but they do have a rabbit/mink/etc.
BabyAssociate
+1, aside from Paul Manafort’s ostrich coat, I assumed all “exotic” furs I see out and about are fake.
This is a gorgeous coat!
Anonymous
Manafort’s jacket was so ugly it would HAVE to be real.
pugsnbourbon
Counterpoint – because real fur is so expensive and controversial, I assume any coat like this is fake. If the person wearing it just got out of a Mercedes or Town Car, I might peg it as real, but it’s rare that I’m even paying that kind of attention.
anon
Same. I might suspect a subtle fur collar or lined gloves or something was real, but I don’t see a real leopard print coat as something that a “normal” person wears for those reasons.
HSAL
This is curious to me – would people actually think a leopard coat was real leopard? I could see that with other types of fur, but I had no idea “real” leopard skin was a thing, clothing-wise.
Anonymous
Same. It would never cross my mind this was real, and I live in the south where real fur coats are super common.
Anonymous
+1 – it’s an endangered animal (at least some subspecies) and it’s not farmed like other fur sources are. I assume most animal prints (cheetah, zebra, giraffe, etc) are not real.
Anonymous
huh – There’s enough leopard print stuff out there that I don’t think the average person on the street thinks that anything leopard print is real, so I would disagree that this is an issue. Especially since leopards aren’t raise for their fur (like mink, etc.), I don’t think most people would have the expectation that anything with leopard print would ACTUALLY be leopard skin.
Housecounsel
I never assume a fur coat is real fur unless I’m home in Chicago, the coat is long and mink and it’s really, really cold. I would never guess this one was real.
Anonymous
I see a ton of leopard print stuff, but not fake fur. And frankly, I just don’t see fur coats in my city. On the rare occasion that I do, I assume it is real (since they are not a fashion statement that people I know want to make, so why buy one unless you were the type of person who wanted a real one).
Maudie Atkinson
I’m probably not the best respondent for this, as I own and love three real furs, but the pill on that is too dense and velvety to be mistaken for real fur.
Anon
I was going to comment on this. Leopard fur is not this fluffy. Honestly if someone thought this was real Leopard, I’d question whether they had actually ever seen a picture of a live one.
Anon
Hahaha no. I would never in a million years think this was real fur.
Is it Friday yet?
It’s gorgeous! I’m 34, and if it were in my current budget, I’d buy it (thanks a lot for the vet bills bad horse). Just wear it open while you’re pregnant – it looks like it’d be pretty forgiving on a post-partum body as well.
Anon
It is stunning.
If you got sick of it, you could resell it for a lot of money.
lsw
BUY IT, I love it
Anonymous
Love! Leopard is hot right now too.
Anonymous
I’ve never heard of this brand, but just bookedmarked it! I especially love the India collection.
Senior Attorney
Holy moly I love this so hard! I have one that is similar from a year or two ago and wear it all the time.
And I agree that nobody in their right mind would think a leopard coat was real.
Coach Laura
I love it too. Totally not in the budget and as a short person, this would probably look too long on me. I’m thinking of sewing a swing coat or cape in fake leopard to wear out or on the weekend – fun!
Anon
A family member is thinking about transferring colleges. She’s planning to apply to a few schools and has looked at their requirements and relevant statistics. One of the schools has a list of courses that must be taken before transferring. There’s a course on the list that her school doesn’t have a parallel for. Should she still apply? It doesn’t seem like the list is of requirements is flexible, but we’re not sure if it ever can be.
Anonymous
She should try to take the class at a local community college. But if she can’t take it she should still apply.
Anonymous
Totally.
Anon
She can ask the admissions office. I suggest pulling together relevant information, presenting everything very logically in the email, and asking about potential workarounds.
OP
Great suggestion. I’ll share this with her!
Anonymous
She should figure it out herself! By calling the admissions department on the phone and asking what to do.
OP
Definitely! I will not be reaching out to admissions. Just wanted to see what would be reasonable in this situation.
Anon
I think email would be preferable because she can attach things like her current university’s course catalogue and give a comprehensive explanation of why there’s no equivalent course. If you call up, you might get someone who thinks the solution is to tell the flake kid to take whatever the equivalent course is.
s
There may be an equivalent they will suggest. Also, don’t let her be dissuaded by folks warning she’ll lose credits. (This was my biggest fear.) When I transferred, I actually gained. I had a women in lit class that was part of a “January term” (month-long class taken for pure interest–folks took things like animation) into credits of a legit English class.
Hope it works for her. My transferring was the best decision I ever made. I went from a small liberal arts college without a lot of opportunity to a large state school. The school had a fantastic newspaper (other school didn’t) and I’ve gone on to a career in journalism that would never have been possible.
PerpetuallyModerated
Yes, she could probably take the course at another college. In grad school I was missing a prerequisite for the program I was accepted into. The university didn’t care, they accepted me and recommended taking an online course at another university to fulfill the requirement. Surprisingly they recommended an unaccredited online university even though it was a prestigious program – they didn’t really care as long as I learned about the material. I would advise her to contact the department and ask if they had any recommendations about completing course requirements.
Belle Boyd
If she takes the classes at another college, have her make sure with the school of her choice that the credits will transfer BEFORE she signs up with either school. This will save her a ton of $$$ and hassle.
When I was in college — the branch campus of a major university (and many moons ago, too, so things may have changed, but live and learn and preach the lesson) — quite a few friends of mine went the “take the basics at community college and transfer to branch campus route only to find that quite a few of their basic class credits were not accepted so they had to re-take those courses again (with a much higher price tag attached.) Even students enrolled in the engineering program at the branch campus that had to finish their degrees at the university’s main campus were told that some of their engineering courses did not transfer (and these were courses supposedly within the university!) You can probably imagine how pi$$ed off people were!
Rule of thumb when transferring — find out, make sure, double-check, even get it in writing before doing any kind of transferring or signing up for classes… Your wallet and sanity will thank you later.
NOLA
She should look into taking the course at another university online. A friend of mine did that when she had unmet prerequisites for vet school.
Anonymous
Ok, this is a total brag but I can’t do this IRL. Last night DH and I ran the numbers and we hit $1M in net worth. We’ve been working towards this goal for a while (like over 8 years when we first started tracking) but our target was 5/2019.
We don’t have massive salaries, and we hit our goal early *despite* a period of unemployment, a layoff, a change in jobs from FT to PT, and having 3 kids instead of the 2 we’d thought we’d have when we set our goal.
We had a bit of an impromptu celebration last night and now I have a headache ;).
Anonymous
Wow, congrats! Does this include your house or is it just liquid assets? (It’s impressive either way, I’m just curious). Getting to $1M with our house will take years but seems doable, but getting to $1M in just retirement assets is kind of unfathomable to me, especially with kids in daycare. And we just have 2!
Anonymous
Definately includes our home. But I don’t assume any appreciation since we bought- just what we paid less what we owe on the mortgage. DH (rightfully) argues we should include fair market value of our house but I’m both too conservative & too lazy.
We spend an astronomical amount on childcare. We have 3 under kindergarten age. Fortunately (?) we had our 3rd right as we made our last student loan payment so it was more or less a wash. We stared with $120k in combined student debt. So not nothing but not $400k either. And we are not lawyers and definately not drawing biglaw salary, we just gradually got better jobs and saved diligently along the way.
anonner
yes yes tell us more OP! brag away. I have a vague goal of net worth in my head for *SOMEDAY* (which won’t happen soon with law loans and house) but I’d love to know your personal metrics and how you calculated.
Anonymous
Not OP – but what are your goals? When are you targeting getting there?
annoner
Goals would be to pay off 1) junk debt in the next 2-3 years (HELOC, CCs, etc). 2) $150k of student loans in 15 years 3) maintain home equity and grow savings/retirement wealth along the way?
I’m DINK (31 yo) with spouse now, we haven’t really planned out the children situation yet. Which I assume throws a Gigantic Wrench into financial plans.
But just thinking out loud and writing down intentions kind of makes it feel possible! maybe millionaire-worthy at 55-60 yo? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anonymous
Definately includes our home (total net worth). But I don’t assume any appreciation since we bought- just what we paid less what we owe on the mortgage, which is about $200k. DH (rightfully) argues we should include fair market value of our house but I’m both too conservative & too lazy.
We spend an astronomical amount on childcare. We have 3 under kindergarten age. Fortunately (?) we had our 3rd right as we made our last student loan payment so it was more or less a wash. We stared with $120k in combined student debt. So not nothing but not $400k either. And we are not lawyers and definately not drawing biglaw salary, we just gradually got better jobs and saved diligently along the way.
Anonymous
Congrats! How old are you guys? I hit it on my birthday last year so that was memorable.
Anonymous
We are 34. Our original goal was to have it done by when we both were 35.
Anonymous
I mean you have to be relatively high earners if you hit $1M in 12 years of work. I haven’t even earned $1M in that time frame. Even if you’re saving 70% of your paycheck (which would be pretty amazing with kids and student loans) you’re earning well over $100k a year… that’s high income to most people.
Anonymous
yeah i’m not seeing how childcare with 3 kids and a six figure student loan debt will leave you at +1M in 12 years with anything under six figure salary
Anon
If you go over to the Mr Money Moustache forums, you’ll know this isn’t true. People save aggressively, have had money in the markets for many years, including the recent bull market that made a lot of people a lot of money, and a good chunk of their net worth is in their physical assets. Also 100k is not really that high earning if its a combined income (each person making around 50k basically) and you’re in a HCOL area. A couple of teachers or even a couple made of well paid executive assistants could make that much.
We get your point that 100k is well above the average family of four income in the country, but that is highly dependent on where you live, and I don’t think comparing to the poverty line is a good or relevant for the women on this blog.
Anonymous
Anon at 10:55 – I don’t see how a family making 100k with 3 in daycare could afford to pay their bills, let alone save $1M. If that is the situation, I hope the OP will tell us how they did it, cause I certainly could use the financial advice
Anonymous
We certainly have a 6 figure HHI. Right now it’s in the high 200s. But over the course of the past 12 years, that’s been super variable (we track that, too). It includes two grad school breaks and career growth.
So for example, I started out from undergrad with a job paying $21k/year and $55k in student loan debt. DH graduated with no undergrad debt, but took on about $70k for grad school. His first job out of Ugrad was $50k/year. I made $55k for a while, then $85k then $110k then $160k then got laid off, then worked part time making $60k. DH made $50-75k in his 5 years before grad school, then took a role making $70k then $120k then got a series of promotions and for the last 2 years has made $200K.
So my point in being in non-law is that it isn’t nothing–>nothing–>nothing–>1L biglaw salary and subsequent step increases. And when we were looking at things last night, we realized that the vast, vast majority of our savings and growth were NOT due to the last few years which have been high income for us and rather almost entirely due to the savings we did when we made much, much less.
Anon
I think they both have to be six figure or close to it. Or they got substantial help starting out, like a down payment from a parent or something. With 3 kids in daycare, I can’t imagine you’re paying less than $600/week unless you’re in a VLCOL area, so that’s at least $30K/year right there. Add a six figure student loan and a mortgage and even super frugal living expenses for 2 adult and three kids…
None of this takes away from OP’s awesome accomplishment, obviously. But for those who are looking at their own net worth and trying to compare, there’s probably some nuances you’re missing.
Anonymous
OP here. We’re in a HCOL. We don’t have the kids in FT daycare because I’m part time and DH has a fairly flexible schedule and STILL spend $2500/mo on childcare. When we had 2 in FT care, it was $2800/mo (neither were infants). We don’t have family childcare help and never have and other than DH getting his parents to pay for undergrad, had nothing like downpayment help etc.
Anonymous
Congrats on providing such a solid foundation for you and your family.
anon
Congratulations! You guys are doing amazing.
Anon
Please brag away! Would love more details on how you hit the goal in those circumstances. Congrats!
Torin
Well done you!
lsw
Hot d@mn! Applause emojis!
Yay
Congrats! When we hit that milestone we felt similarly. Three in private daycare is no joke! You’re providing a great foundation for your 3 kids.
Anonymous
You go girl!
anon
Congratulations! We are about 50K shy of that but are on track to hit it by the end of the year. (assuming a trade war doesn’t completely tank the markets).
We are older than you (about 40) and had 3 years where we were down to one income. But for other people asking, our method has just been to save save save aggressively, from the very beginning, even while we were paying off loans. Max out retirement. Put extra in savings. Every time we get a raise, we increase our “fun money” by a very small amount and put the rest in the bank, doing our best to avoid lifestyle creep.
Anonymous
exactly. I am the OP and this is what we did. We saved into retirement despite student loans, despite competing priorities. It’s taken out before we even can think of using it for anything else.
So for those of you that are early in your career, make that savings a priority. My sister is 31 and just now saving for retirement because she was “too poor” for the last decade. I never would tell her this, but I made less than she did at the time and socked money away the entire time. Yes, that meant a took a “side gig” type job. It also meant I turned down a grad school that was my “dream school” to go to one more local where I could work part-time for a year while also in school.
Anon
The retirement savings is key, especially if you get a match. I was at my first job for 7 years and maxed out my 401k, but didn’t have a company match. I’ve been at my current place for significantly less time, but my 401k is growing so much faster because of the company match.
Anonymous
Congrats! You have massive salaries and are rich!
Senior Attorney
Wonderful! Congratulations!!
Anonymous
Going to a conference that will mostly be engineers/business folks, with some lawyers. The conference has a business casual dress code. Should I err on the more formal side, as a lawyer? What is the khakis + button up + sport coat equivalent for women?
K
You could definitely just do khakis/dress pants and a button down/blouse. You could do a blazer if you’d like, but its not necessary to look formal enough.
Anonymous
Wrap dress. Or some other dress with sleeves if you prefer. Don’t wear a suit.
Anonymous
If it’s easier for you to go formal because that’s what’s already in your wardrobe, then yes, wear that. If your wardrobe is already business casual, then wear that.
I’d say the equivalent is slacks/skirt, non-matching blazer, and a blouse that looks good with the blazer off.
Anonymous
Sheath dress + a cardigan or blazer. I’d also bring a scaft as conference rooms are often cold.
Anonymous
The khakis + button up equivalent for women is…one if the banes of my existence, as a woman in IT! Following!
I usually dress in “family picnic date” clothes- knit dresses, cardigans with detail and nice jeans, etc. Don’t know about lawyers, though.
Have fun at your conference!
Anonymous
I’m a woman working for a tech company (like IBM, not like silicon valley). Wrap dress or similar + sweater or jardigan. Blazer is kind of fancy but can be appropriate.
For clients (health plans), I wear a suit with a more casual to underneath.
Prolific Speaker
I can’t comment on whether to go more formal as a lawyer, but you have a lot of flexibility in terms of what the equivalent of khakis/button up/sport coat is for women. Because there’s no 1:1 equivalent, any of the following are good options: dress with cardigan or soft jacket (for conferences, I like balance – it it’s a sheath dress, I wear a more relaxed topper; if it’s a less structured dress (fit and flare, a-line, etc), I wear a more structured top like a blazer or if I’m feeling fancy a suit jacket); pants and a nice blouse (similar rule – the more relaxed the pants, the more structured the blouse); non-skirt suit (I like either fun pencil skirts or a non-pencil skirt for conferences) and blouse, possibly with topper depending on weather/venue.
Try to find photos from last year if you can to gauge how formal people are. If that’s not possible or you’re still not sure (weird how often the only photos are of men…), wearing a more basic outfit (ie, solid black dress) but fancy accessories can be a good plan. It’s easy enough to decide you’re overdressed and stash your necklace and dressy belt in your bag.
My priority for conferences is comfort – the days are usually long and with a deceptive amount of walking. Also, when meeting new people, I feel more confident when I’m not distracted by how my outfit doesn’t quite fit or the fabric is itchy etc.
kk
I like a solid black 3/4 sleeve dress, pointy flats or low wedges, with a scarf for color/warmth. I can ditch the scarf and add snazzier shoes or earrings for evening events.
Anonymous
I go with pants in chino type fabric but a modern cut, a fun top and a jacket. Flats or low wedges for all the walking.
Vegas Bound for Corp. Compliance Conf.
Not OP, but could anyone recommend a good walking shoe for a conference that doesn’t look like a walking shoe? I’m going to a conference in Las Vegas next month. I know there will be a ton of walking. TIA
Anonymous
I’ve found my Rothys to be excellent for where I need to do a lot of walking or standing but can’t wear sneakers or Keens.
Also, SAS has a lot of awesomely padded and cushioned ballerinas with a .5″ heel that I have also really loved. They have broken away from the geriatric look for a good chunk of what is on the website.
Anonymous
Cole Haan tali wedges? Rothy’s?
Anonymous
+1 for the Talis. I wear them for airports and conferences like this.
Anon
Look at the Rieker brand. It’s German. The Mirjam style is my airport/travel shoe. Lightweight, looks professional, I can walk all over Manhattan in them.
These German ladies are very no nonsense about shoes.
Vegas Bound for Corp. Compliance Conf.
Thanks for the recommendation on Cole Haan tali wedges. I found a brand new pair on Poshmark in my size in navy for $40!! Woo hoo! When I looked online they were over $100. I love Poshmark!!
PerpetuallyModerated
Anything that isn’t jeans will work. I have never seen an engineer in a sport coat – they’ll be in non-jeans and a button up. I wouldn’t wear a blazer for the sake of wearing a blazer, but it’s fine to wear one for fashion.
Anonymous
Or warmth.
Senior Attorney
+1 the a/c can be deadly
Anon
I’d wear a non suit jacket with a knit dress or a short sleeve sweater and ankle pants. Flats with either look. You’re an attorney. It’s ok to dress up more than the engineers.
My sister works in high tech and 20 years ago they made everyone (men and the small number of women who worked there) wear the company polo shirt tucket into light khaki pants to every single conference and industry event. It was almost enough to make her quit!
Anonymous
Vicarious shopping challenge: I am looking for drop earrings shaped like the MM LaFleur Phoebe earrings (not linking to avoid accidental affiliate links), except silver and more like 3/4″ long instead of 1″. My searches thus far have turned up nothing.
Never too many shoes...
What about something like these?
https://www.amazon.com/Florence-Teardrop-Earrings-Sterling-Silver/dp/B003JJ4HJY/ref=sr_1_23?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1537364471&sr=1-23&nodeID=7141123011&psd=1&keywords=silver+teardrop+earrings
OP
Those are perfect! Thank you!
anon
How often do you get rid of workout clothes — specifically, shorts and compression capris? I have a few pairs of running shorts that are several years old that look fine, but have a funky BO smell that I can’t get rid of. Trust me, I’ve tried a lot of different methods and it’s grossing me out, even though I work out alone. Do you just throw them away? Can they be recycled?
Word to the wise: Cheap workout gear is super tempting, but these are the pieces that are holding onto odors and I need to get rid of. The more expensive gear I bought at the same time (mostly Under Armour and Athleta) is still going strong.
Anonymous
Did you try the sport detergent WIN? It’s not like other detergents and has been effective for me.
Anonymous
Yes, that or SportWash or Hex.
Katie
I’ve also had good luck with Rockin’ Green for workout clothes (both the cheap and expensive stuff).
Anonymous
Febreze In-Wash Odor Eliminator is amazing stuff, too. My husband’s old, smelly gym clothes smell fresh. It’s hard to find in stores, so we order from Amazon.
Is it Friday yet?
I keep seeing ads for the Rockin Green detergent soak on instagram – have you tried that? I’m curious if it works as advertised (the reviews are mixed) because I have the same stink problem.
Cb
I don’t use it for workout clothes but do use it for cloth diapers and it gets the stink out.
Anon
If there’s a BO smell that you can’t get rid of, I would just throw them out… and buy nicer ones. My North Face shorts are amazing.
new job who dis
it’s funny, I just went for a run the other day and realized that the pair of Brooks shorts I put on were 10 YEARS old. I wore them in my first 10 mile race. No smell linger, no rips, not falling apart at seams. Just a solid pair of shorts.
yes I was a little horrified. mostly impressed!
IHHtown
Agree, throw them out and replace them with nicer quality items. And nicer quality doesn’t necessarily mean buy 80 or 100 buck capris and shirts. Zella has excellent quality leggings around $40 or $50 retail, and I often find them on sale at Nordstrom or Nordstrom Rack. I generally go higher quality on leggings or anything that will experience lots of chafing (including sports bra) and go the Target route (still not terrible quality) on shirts.
Torin
If they’re so stinky you can’t stand wearing them, that’s when I would try something I know is bad for the fabric to get the smell out, like straight peroxide. If it does ruin them, well, they were already ruined and then I would just throw them away. If that gets the smell out you can use them as lounge around the house clothes instead of workout clothes. That’s what I do with my old running shorts, where the elastic is so loose they fall off if I try to run in them.
Anon Runner
if it smells after washing in vinegar or some other odour-eliminator for workout gear…i think it’s okay to get rid of it.
I get rid of my gear when I find it’s thinning or if I find a better pair of shorts/tops/whatever that suit my needs- more comfortable, has features that work better with my workouts (pockets, mesh, whatever). I find over time my needs change.
Anonanon
Have you tried “stri p p ing them? There is a Laundry Love and Cleaning Science website that has directions. You soak in a mixture of washing soda, Borax, Calgon water softener, and detergent. I did DBF’s wicking fabric shirts and my wicking fabric yoga pants and voila, stink be gone!
Anonymous
tea tree oil and/or vinegar in your laundry
Fishie
+1 a 1/3 cup of white vinegar in every load of laundry.
LAnon
I have found that old adage “sunlight is the best disinfectant” to be true of workout stench. I have much less issue with stinky workout clothes when I put my drying rack outside, especially when it has some prolonged time in direct sunlight. It’s probably not great for the synthetic fabrics but hey, if it’s a choice between getting rid of it and slowly destroying it through sunlight, I’ll prolong their useful life a little bit.
anon sequitur
I have a first round interview with my dream org on Friday, in a field with very structured hiring like government or higher ed. When I applied, I reached out to a contact with a couple of questions. He shared that he was not involved in hiring for the position, but that it had likely been opened for an internal hire. The interview process has tracked with that—they had an unusually quick turnaround with the offer, and extremely limited scheduling availability. I’m almost positive that I’m just being interviewed to fill a quota from HR. It’s disappointing, but it still gives me a chance to get my name and materials in front of the hiring manager so I’m viewing it as a networking opportunity. (Of course I’ll prepare like I think there’s a real chance I could be hired.)
What I want to know is if there’s any way that I can ask about it. I’m leaning towards no, because I can’t think of phrasing that doesn’t sound either combative or overly self-deprecating…but I really want to know. Thoughts? If not, I’ll just go with a standard question about their timeline moving forward and hope they give me something to work with.
Anonymous
I think you should just go with the info you have. I doubt there is a good way to ask your questions. I would prepare and treat it as the real deal, even if you’re sure you’re not in the running. If they like you, you’ll be in their minds if they have another position open up.
Anonymous
No advice, only commiseration. I interviewed for my “dream job” only to find out someone already at the org got the job, so my interview was just a formality and they never intended to hire me.
Anonymous
That happened to me too. Still loved going to the building and meeting the people.
Anonymous
No, you cannot ask them if they are interviewing you to fill a quota no matter how subtle you think you are being.
anon a mouse
If it’s your dream org, you have to take the long view. *This* job may be wired for someone else, but use the interview to raise your profile, meet people, gather intel on the organization and be a perfect candidate the next time.
Then stay in contact with the people you meet (like 2x a year, nothing too frequent) and remind them of your interest. It may very likely make a difference the next time.
OP
That’s exactly how I’m viewing it. I already know just about everyone in the office—I previously worked in another unit at the same organization before moving to another metro for DH’s grad school—but he’s done in May and we’d like to move back. I’m on committees with a few folks, run into them at conferences, etc., but I want it to be clear that I want to move back and work with them.
I was actually one of two finalists for the same position the year before we moved, but they ended up going with the other candidate. The next time a spot opened up, the hiring manager reached out to encourage me to apply, but it wasn’t good timing because DH and I didnt want to be long-distance in our first year of marriage, which I feel like has to be understandable. If I don’t get this job, hopefully I’ll be in a stronger position for the next time something becomes available.
OP
Thanks everyone. That confirms my suspicion that there’s really no way I can ask about it. I’m taking the long view and hoping that in the likely event that this one doesn’t work work, I’ll be in a better position for the next one.
Anonymous
You can’t ask directly, but you can ask them how many candidates they are interviewing or if there are any internal candidates. My preference is to ask the recruiter, and it’s a natural question.
Advice for Admin/New Grad
This summer, my department hired a new grad to fill an admin role. It is truly an administrative job, and we told him that, repeatedly, during the interview process. We emphasized that we needed someone with an attention to detail, who could take initiative and teach themselves with some guidance from us (in house legal). He has been here about a month and is not living up to expectations. From my perspective (youngest on the team — but still 15 years older than the new grad), many of his missteps come from this being his first “real job” v. internship or summer gig. For example, he does not take notes on tasks given to him, he does not search out potential answers (via google) before asking us, we have to follow-up with him to complete tasks. He does not report to me. I’d like to give him a few resources that could offer guidance on how to succeed at this job. This job could be a great springboard to law school — we are willing to give him more substantive tasks if he can show competence with the admin stuff. Any websites or other resources that I can suggest to him? (AskAManager is already on my list). Thanks!!
Housecounsel
You’re kind to want to help. I think the best advice I was given at my first grown-up job was to never come to any boss asking what I should do. I should first figure out what I think we should do, and then propose it to the boss and see if she agreed. This forced me to do my research first, and to be prepared to support my position. Maybe start here?
The best all-around work advice I ever received was from my dad, and it was, “Always do a little bit more than you get paid for, and you’ll always have a job.” I first put this into play as a teenage waitress, polishing brass rails and filling up salt shakers when my tables weren’t full. Thirty years later I am still volunteering for projects not necessarily in my job description. Maybe tell new hire he should always be looking for ways to contribute in his down time?
Anon
Echoing your first paragraph. I was told point blank by my first boss to never ask a question without first proposing a solution/my understanding, and then asking boss/senior person to confirm. Similarly forced me to do some research and put thought into it before engaging.
The other items I think you just tell him pointblank. Bring a notebook to all meetings. Take notes. Point him to a few industry-related resources (I’m in finance and always tell new analysts to scour investopedia or the textbook I hand them before asking me questions, which I am HAPPY to answer, but not if the answer is at their fingertips).
Also, I have interns who came to us this summer and naturally did all of these things. I think it’s not an intern vs. new job thing as opposed to just inexperience in general.
Anonymous
I really like this advice.
Anonymous
He will benefit most from personal mentorship. Can you provide him with detailed feedback on assignments you give him, along with encouragement and guidance–e.g., “Hey, Joe, this is the second time I’ve had to follow up with you to ensure that you completed a task I’d assigned. How are you tracking assignments and deadlines? Can I show you the system that’s worked for me?”
Anonymous
Is anyone giving him really direct feedback, like, “okay take notes so you can remember this later” and “please google things like this before you ask me to see if you can figure them out yourself” and “send me a timeline for your work on this project and send me updates every x days to let me know where you are at.” I think that would be more helpful than generic advice. I would also let him know he is not going to get more substantive tasks until he demonstrates more competence at these admin tasks.
Torin
+1
Anonymous
+1
If he doesn’t know what the expectations are, he won’t be able to meet them.
Anon
Tell him those things! I’m guessing he’s not psychic, he needs to hear them from somebody!
MJ
Buy him the book, “Great on the Job” by Jodi Glickman too.
Anonymous
Another conference attire question – I’m speaking at my first conference (yay!) in a couple of weeks. I’d like to wear a dress but I recently lost some weight and now all my nice, tailored dresses are too big. I’m using this as an excuse to buy something new – up to ~$300. What is your favorite dress to wear to speaking engagements?
kk
I really like the Mm Lafleur Etsuko for this- It’s flattering, comfortable, and the belt/pockets are a great place to hook a mic and stash a clicker/pointer.
LAnon
+1 to kk’s comment – whatever you choose, make certain you think about microphone placement. Typically a structured v-neck (that won’t sag/droop if a mic gets clipped on) is a good idea. And pockets or a feature that the rest of it can be clipped to are crucial.
Ouch! That hurts
any “ottoman fabric” sheath from Boden… lovely colors and tailoring. Word to the wise, some have lower back necklines which probably would require a blazer or sweater…
Anon
If you wear a dress and are doing a TED style talk, please be aware that the sound guy (and they’re all guys) will have to go up the back of your dress to get the microphone cord where it needs to be. This is also the case if you’re seated panel style in easy chairs with no table – this is currently a popular setup. The sound guy has seen it all but I usually now opt for separates having experienced this. I wear a same-color untucked top and skirt with a contrasting jacket with interesting details.
If you’re speaking at a lectern with a mic, no problems.
Anonymous
Oh gosh thank you for this, I wouldn’t have even thought of it. Recommendations on top/skirt combos that work for a seated position? Most of my skirts are pencil skirts and ime that’s not great for sitting.
Anon
Honestly I’d wear ankle pants for an easy chair setup. I just attended a panel conference like this and the lone woman wore a knee length pencil skirt and it was … unfortunate.
Anonymous
I just did one of these sofas set ups and another with bar stools to sit on. Wear pants, hemmed for low heels, so you don’t plummet off the rickety steps leading up to the podium. The waistband can probably hold the mic pack. Also, have a lapel sturdy enough to clip the mike to.
Edna Mazur
Norstrom Ad on my instagram thought I’d like the Men’s Golden Goose Superstar Taped Sneaker. I searched Nordstrom’s site to see if it was real. Not only is it real, it is also $530!!! For what looks like a beat up, dirty sneaker. I lost a little faith in humanity this morning…
LadyB
But have you seen the Maison Margiela Fusion Sneaker for $1,645!?! What the what are with these sneakers?? Does somebody actually buy either of these?
Edna Mazur
I get it. The trend is avant-garde. I am just not fashionably enough.
yuck
Omg. Both of these are so so hideous to my eyes. They look like something I’d throw in the trash over donating to goodwill because they’re in such bad shape.
nutella
Sorry you feel that way about humanity. I love my pair!
Anonymous
lol
Anonymous
I’ve been eyeing Golden Goose sneakers for a few months now. I think they’re super cute.
Anon
I hope you are being sarcastic right now because otherwise I am giving you the serious fashion victim side-eye.
nutella
Nope, not joking. We just have different tastes. Mine are not taped (ugly to me!) and I got them on sale (still expensive, though), but I wear them all the time because they are comfortable. I just like what I like and tend to spend more on things I can re-wear every day (shoes, bags, etc.). Don’t care about your side-eye; I think I look great and am happy with myself.
Anonymama
I have golden goose sneakers also, but the taped ones are a little bit ridiculous, you have to admit.
NYCer
+1. I love my Golden Goose sneakers (they are a women’s version and do not have any faux tape, so obviously not the same as the ones OP posted). I get compliments on them all the time.
Anonymous
Read the one review on the Nordstrom page – it will restore your faith in humanity (if you are a fan of Zoolander)
Torin
Ha!!! Thank you for this.
Edna Mazur
To clarify- the regular Golden Goose sneakers look super cute. It’s the taped, dirty looking ones I am giving the side eye.
Anon
I have kind of a bizarre question. I’m working on a murder mystery novel that will include several different murders that need to be done “professionally” – i.e., it’s supposed to be very hard to figure out the perpetrator. I need to Google some information for how to make them realistic, but I don’t want to have a really sketchy search history (“how to make it look like an accident,” “best poisons to use,” etc.) Is there a way I can do this without getting a visit from the FBI??
Anonymous
Public library computer. But honestly, the FBI is not going to visit you unless you’re a suspect in a murder. If your husband goes missing suddenly, yes, your sketchy search history will suddenly be a huge issue. But if you’re not a suspect, no one is ever going to know you were googling this sketchy stuff.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
Every library I’ve worked at has had me answering weird questions from authors and/or helping them search for things like murder details. Just get the privacy setting on for your browser if you’re at home (Duck Duck Go is good) or go to the library and search away. As a general rule library computers are set to auto clear browser histories, etc at logout. Librarians care a lot about privacy and will be happy to help you.
Anonymous
The FBI is not tracking your search history. This isn’t only an issue if you end up in the middle of a murder investigation. If you’re really concerned, just clear your history.
Anonymous
You can clear your history so you can’t see it anymore, but I assure you can’t just clear your history so no one else can see it!
Anonymous
Go to starbucks and use incognito mode on your browser?
Anonymous
LOL, I love true crime and I often go down a wikipedia hole reading about murders and the death penalty and prisons. Assuming you or I don’t do anything bad, I think we’re ok.
pugsnbourbon
Right? If my wife goes missing I’m sunk.
I don’t think the FBI cares about your search history, but then again I brazenly leave my webcam uncovered so I may not be the best judge of this.
Anonymous
Unless you’re looking at child p o r n or you’re a murder suspect, no one cares about your search history. Certainly not the FBI.
I search death and crime topics all the time. It’s NBD
Anon
If you’re just using your personal computer (vs work computer) I think this is a weird thing to be concerned about. I suppose if you were ever being investigated for a crime you can point to your tangible written product as an explanation for the search history…?
Anonymous
Years ago Writer’s Digest had a series of books like this — I had the book on poisons. Look on Amazon – Deadly Doses and there’s a newer series out called HowDunIt.
anon
just to clarify — clearing your search history and using “incognito mode” will erase the searches from your computer, not from Google’s servers. i.e., if GOOG is sharing search history with FBI, then incognito mode and clearing your history won’t do anything.
folks are likely correct that the FBI does not care about your search history unless you are a criminal suspect. if you are nonetheless concerned about your privacy (not unreasonable!) you can use a more protective search engine (DuckDuckGo), a more protective browser (Tor), or an anonymous computer (e.g. public library).
signed,
someone whose job it is to worry about privacy, free speech, and surveillance
Anon
Thanks all = this is helpful! I think I would be more comfortable using DuckDuckGo and similar – even if the FBI doesn’t care, I don’t need Google to build an advertising profile based on these searches.
DCR
That would be one interesting advertising profile!
Anonymous
I had a funeral home client one time. After weeks of looking up funeral homes and cemeteries for a project I was doing for them, my targeted ads made for a pretty morbid internet experience. I’m happy to be back to shoes and baby stuff.
Anonymous
Too funny. After buying books online for my WW 1 era father, my recommendations from a certain site were slippers and a pipe.
Anon
OMG do you really think the FBI is spending its time and resources looking at every single search everybody does? Unless you actually murder somebody, nobody will see it. And if you do murder somebody, I’m glad they’ll have that evidence to use against you!
Anonymous
Did you go to your 20th HS reunion? What was it like in comparison to what you expected? I had been looking forward to it in part bc I liked HS (though I was a completely forgettable kind of kid) and in part bc our 10th was fun. Now that’s it’s a month away – IDK. We’re 38, everyone is married with kids and I’m single living in DC for a meh job and IDK I guess I don’t want to spend the night feeling bad about myself. Our 10th wasn’t like that at all – people were genuinely happy to catch up but it was the first time in 10 years we’d seen each other and coming from a typical NJ public school, no one expected marriage, let alone kids at 28. Feels like expectations are different now. What do you think? How was yours? Would you go?
Cat
Mine is coming up, but I don’t plan to go (didn’t go to 10th either). High school was fine; I was the smart band geek type kid who had a few good friends and boyfriends, got along fine with classmates but didn’t have a huge social circle outside of school. The good friends I’ve kept up with. Everyone else, not that I don’t “care” about them necessarily, but I’m perfectly content to live my life without knowing what they’re all doing.
Anonymous
as my husband pointed out at my recent 10 year college reunion, if you haven’t spoken to someone in 10 years, are they really that important to you? I think the same thing is true for when you are 20 years out from last being with a certain person/group of people.
Anonymous
OTOH, I moved very far away and my parents moved 2 hours away when I was in college, so I don’t randomly bump into people (but I would love to see them). I miss seeing my friends’ parents and people I grew up with. I love my life and where I live now but it’s like my only connection with my childhood and it brings back everything (like a Proust’s cookie).
If I lived there or when back where I grew up, I’d have kept up a lot more casual chit-chat over the years.
I just don’t show up randomly anymore, so I have to show up on purpose and reunions do the trick for me.
Leah
My husband actually said something similar — why the need to celebrate the anniversary of being released from a government-mandated institution? The only reason you knew those people was because they were the same age as you and you were all required by law to go to school. By that token, why aren’t there prison reunions?
Anonymous
Nice attitude. Some people want to celebrate because they grew up with these people. Sure it was by accident of where their parents bought a home but a shared decade plus history matters to some.
Anonymous
You were brought together by circumstance, but you ended up spending many years together in a formative period of your life. Military units get together for reunions.
Anonymous
You were brought together by circumstance, but you ended up spending many years together in a formative period of your life. Military units get together for reunions.
Anonymous
Yeah I wouldn’t want to go if I were childless. I went to school in the Midwest, so many people had kids at the 10th, but it wasn’t universal and there was definitely a contingent of single, childless people to hang out with. But at the 20th, I think everyone there had children (although not everyone was married – many were already divorced). Kids ranged in age from kindergartners to pre-teens and the reunion activities definitely revolved around the kids.
Anon
I went to my 10-year, but I plan to skip my 20-year for the exact reasons you mentioned.
However, I noticed some self-judgment in your post, and I wanted to tell you to be easier on yourself! I can pretty much guarantee that no one else will be judging you for being single or having what you call a “meh” job. They’re probably all too worried about themselves! If you feel bad about those things, do what you can to feel better or change them, but don’t assume that others will think the same thing.
Anonymous
I always go — I am on my 30th this spring (for a typical NJ school). I am always blown away by how randomly kind people are and also some people have had major setbacks and I feel like their struggles inspire me (and I want to say that: I’m so sorry that that cement truck hit you but I was very proud of how hard you worked at rehabilitation and I am so glad to see you again) (this to a guy who was not a BFF, just a guy in my class). And we have a couple of young widows AND widowers (cancer is a beast) and I want to hug them. It really isn’t about me or feeling like there is a yardstick to measure myself by.
My parents are crazy and even go to THEIR reunions though.
For the win: I am cancer-free, at the present, my parents are cancer-free, I have my health, my family has their health. We are lucky and blessed just by this alone. (and I’m not religious)
Anonymous
Really great point. Almost like real people, rather than social media avatars attended your reunion.
Anonymous
I didn’t go. (My 20th was this year, too.) I got talked into my 10-yr reunion and felt meh about it. There was no one I was excited to see. I got married later than everyone else in my class (apparently), and did not want to have the same five-minute conversation (where do you work? are you married? do you have kids?) 50 times. I just didn’t see the point.
As a counterpoint, another friend of mine went to hers and reconnected with a (platonic) friend who lives in her suburb, so she was glad she went.
Anonymous
My school hasn’t had any reunions, but honestly all my best friends are my friends from high school so I don’t need a reunion to see them!
Anon
I’m 36 with a similar life to you and, in my experience at these types of things, your old classmates will see your life as wonderfully exotic. You live in the big city! You get to do whatever you want because you don’t have kids! You get to travel whenever/wherever you want! You get to garden with whoever you want!
The key is telegraphing that you’re excited about your life, even if you’re not. And ironically, I’ve found that faking that excitement actually makes me feel really good about myself, where I’m actually able to step back and see my life through others’ eyes. So yes, I would go to the reunion and treat it as an excuse to buy a killer outfit and make a conscious attempt to view my life as awesome.
Anonymous
I went when I was feeling down, and it provided a vivid reminder why I worked so hard to leave that rural community, and made me feel more confident in my choices.
Anonymous
I’m single, no kids by choice, but I love my life as it is. I still am not going because I am not real life friends with anyone from HS. Aquaintances with a few via social media, but nothing significant enough for me to want to pay and drive two hours to see them.
We had an informal 10th that was meh. It was the HS groups standing together drinking in a bar.
Belle Boyd
I went to mine. My friend talked me into it.
Meh.
Nothing really changed from high school. All the cliques were still hanging out together, all the cheerleaders still snubbed everybody else. There was a lot of juvenile BS going on — people changing name tags around so you didn’t know who was who. I went to a very large high school and had over 750 people in my graduating class. I didn’t know a lot of them unless they were in the band, so trying to figure out who people were, especially with wrong name tags, was a royal PITA.
I’m on Facebook, as are most of the HS friends I choose to keep up with. When the invite comes this year for my 30th reunion, I’ll pass.
PS – I was single and child-free for that reunion and I’m still that way. I don’t see either fact changing any time soon. The baby ship has sailed and I’m still in port. I’m happier when I’m not in a relationship and not dealing with man drama. Don’t let being single/childfree be an issue or dictate your happiness. Things will happen when they happen and until then, LIVE YOUR LIFE ON YOUR TERMS! If other people want to judge you because you’re not married or haven’t popped out a kid or three, that’s their issue, not yours. Life is too short to live according to other people’s rules. Isn’t that what we all hated about high school anyhow?
Anon
f%&$ no. I would not have remembered anyone’s name.
anon
How do you break things off with someone after 3-5 dates? Text? In-person? It’s easy after 1-2 dates, and after a relationship of course you’d do an in-person breakup, but the 3-5 date zone is weird.
Anonymous
Text.
Shopaholic
I usually just text in these circumstances.
Anonymous
Depends – text is fine if that’s how you’ve been communicating. If you’ve been talking on the phone regularly, then phone – but I wouldn’t initiate a first ever phone call just for this. I think in person is too much.
Anon
Definitely just text.
Is it Friday yet?
Yup, text. Maybe a phone call at most if you think that would make you feel better.
Anonymous
Texting is fine.
Anon
Text is fine, or phone if you have been talking on it. But don’t make them get ready for and excited about a date just so you can dump them.
And thank you for doing this. I recently had a guy ghost on me after 5 dates, and it hurt. I get that he doesn’t want to see me anymore, but he could have at least bothered to tell me that.
Worry about yourself
Text is fine, especially if that’s how you typically communicate. You’re not in a committed relationship and still in “I’m not feeling it and don’t want another date,” territory. You only need to do it in person if you’d already had “the talk” and had agreed to be exclusive.
Anon
As someone who got married before texting became the only way to communicate, I just want to say how interesting and surprising it is to read these comments. I am imagining breaking up with a guy over email and it just makes me laugh uncomfortably. But I also think I’d have gone on a lot more dates if breaking up was so matter-of-fact, so definitely this is a good development in human courting.
Purse suggestions?
I need a new purse. Something with structure and a zipper of flap (no totes). I need it to fit my 13-inch Macbook air and a small lunch. I need something classical but not too boring (I’m in-house in tech, so not super formal but I still attend closing etc where I need to look respectable). Budget is around $500. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
Cuyana? They have a couple satchels that would fit the bill.
Anon
I ADORE my Cuyana Large Hobo. Laptop might just barely fit, but look at their other products. Amazing quality, no crazy logos.
Anon
What color did you get? I’ve been looking at Cuyana but was wondering if the lighter colors show dirt, smudges, etc.
Anon
The bone color. It’s held up super well. No dirt shows at all. Using it daily since January.
Anonymous
I’ve been looking at the Cuyana trapeze satchel
Anon
That is my object of lust at the moment. Or their regular satchel. Either would work.
38
I had a freakout this week. I’m 38 and everything feels so DEFINED. I can just see how the rest of my life will evolve and there are no surprises or exciting possibilities left. I’m single and dating but no real prospects, my job is solid and fairly satisfying but not my life’s calling or anything, and I have solid roots in my city, which is nice but also feels very final. How do I face the future with hope and optimism when it feels like I worked so hard to build this stability and now it’s kind of… boring?
Does this have anything to do with my age? 40 suddenly feels really close. I don’t look like a cute 30-yr-old anymore.
Already in therapy and will bring it up this week!
Anon
Life is what you make it. It’s only going stay “boring” or on that path if you want it to. I have had the same experience and dug deep and realized it wasn’t the stability that was boring, but the seeming lack of “purpose” – I felt like I wasn’t contributing or making an impact on the world in any way. I stuck my neck out to try new things and make some kind of impact – got a hobby, traveled more often, started learning a new language, got a little with BBBS, volunteer at my church and city shelters, joined a board for a cause I love. My life is fuller now (pretty busy), and I’m not just living for me but actively making my community a better place, however small, and I still do what I personally enjoy.
cbackson
So here is the great thing about being 38 with a solid financial situation and no family responsibilities (which describes me too): you have an enormous freedom to change your life if you want to. Yes, you built this stability, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep it. You can change jobs. You can move. You can take up a new hobby, become obsessed with it, and develop goals entirely outside your work life that you’re really enthusiastic about (erm, the last one is me). I know you feel locked in – because you’re very established in your life right now – but you’re not.
Women like us enjoy a freedom and level of self-determination that is probably close to unique in human history. Our foremothers didn’t have full legal rights; their ability to earn their own money was constrained; they couldn’t travel freely or own their own homes. We can do all of those things and, because we don’t have the familial responsibilities other women of our age do, we’re more free to embrace the adventures that are possible because of them. It sounds to me like you need an adventure – whether that’s a new hobby or a slightly outside the comfort zone vacation – to help put you back in a mental space where you envision possibility and where your ability to dream is switched on.
anon
“Women like us enjoy a freedom and level of self-determination that is probably close to unique in human history.”
Love this.
Scarlett
100% this. And life will continue to surprise you.
it me
34, married, children, and about once a year feel exactly the same. I think it’s the age and watching people around me slowly solidify as well. Whenever I get this urge I do something age inappropriate like get really really into Twilight fan theories (Bella/Alice OTP!) and/or pick up a new hobby that completely upends my self-definition. This is how I ended up with a sewing machine and a bunch of backpacking gear.
Anon
Usually when I feel like this it’s a sign I need a change of some sort, like a new sport or hobby or to take a class or to decide to learn a new professional skill or just network more. Surprisingly small changes have made me feel better in the past.
I also try to reframe thinking of this stability as boring, to something like “I got all these things in order so that I can decide to do new things if I want”. Like, it I was struggling to find full-time work in my field, that would limit my options to take on new adventures.
Anonymous
I’m almost identically situated but can’t recall feeling like this. I’m single and no kids, which means I can change my life at any time for any reason I want to. It’s awesome! I also have fun hobbies that introduce me to new peolle. Which I think is exciting and fun. I also go on at least one vacation a year to a new place, also fun and exciting! Plus, I go solo which means I can so whatever I want. To me, single no kids with disposable income is really freeing. I only have to support myself and my pets. Sure, my life is defined TODAY, but I can decide to change it to tomorrow!
I hope therapy helps!
Squiggles
I will be getting that way in a month: always happens the week leading to my birthday! I will be 38 this year. I don’t feel like I am currently 37.
The last couple years have been rough and I haven’t lived for me in months (taking care of other people/ waiting to chat with a surgeon to see if an issue can be fixed) and I am feeling stagnated. No relationships, a good job but advancement is hard, love my house but have no close connections to anyone in my community (this is because I grew up moving every few years). Try to get out more but the social anxiety doesn’t help.
I think once some of the hurdles pass, I can make plans and improvements. But that in-between is rough. Maybe finding a therapist would be a good thing for me. Sounds like it helps/helped you.
Anonymous
You find something you love and look forward to. For me, it’s travel. I’ve also picked up photography (related to the travel). I take 2 big trips a year; I love planning them, researching, thinking about all the fun things I’ll do. When I get back from each trip, I get to look over all the fabulous pictures I took, edit them, and have them printed. I’ve even sold a couple. It’s pretty cool to see my art in bars and coffee shops around town. And my house and office are filled with my pictures, so it’s a constant reminder that I have a rich and fulfilling life. I wouldn’t be able to do any of that without my solid job and the freedom of being single with no kids.
And your comment about being “cute” – I really enjoy the respect I’m treated with now that I look older. I’m finally treated like a Real Adult not some flighty little blonde chick. I get better service in fancy restaurants and shops, and I don’t have gross guys constantly nagging me.
Leah
That’s so cool! How did you end up selling your photos? Just walk in and pitch to small businesses?
Anonymous
Just word of mouth. A friend was opening a bar and wanted pictures of one of the places I visited. Then other people saw the pictures and asked if I had more.
anon
Also 38, married with kids, and feeling the same way. Mostly, I just feel tired. Too tired to start over with a new career, and even hobbies/fun stuff just sound like more work. I’ve worked my tail off to get to a point of stability and feel sort of blah about everything. I think it’s partly the age, honestly. But boy do I feel like a spoiled brat admitting any of this, because objectively, my life is good.
Anonymous
set aside an evening and take some mushrooms
Anon
What’s your favorite Meal Train meal for someone who just had a baby? No dietary restrictions.
Anon
Quiche. It freezes well, can be microwaved, can have veggies, and you can eat it for every meal.
If you’re into cooking, the Smitten Kitchen Spinach Sheet Pan Quiche is a bit of a pain to make, but is good, and you can cut and freeze individually wrapped servings.
If you’re not, most grocery stores have pre-made quiche in the deli.
Anonymous
A salad with protein (salmon, chicken, etc.) We got so many heavy casseroles and lasagnas. I like those foods, but they got really old and I was craving greens.
Anonymous
Breakfast- bagels, waffles/pancakes (these freeze well), individual egg muffins/quiches, fruit. Things that can be quickly assembled and eaten one handed.
Anon
Healthy!!! And I’m not at all a health nut at all. I just got so many cakes, sweet treats, pasta/carb-y things and salty stuff. I seriously just wanted a platter of cut fruit (not filler melons, either – like berries, pineapple, mango!).
The best meal I got was mixed greens, quinoa, asparagus, chicken, and edamame all individually wrapped with some sort olive oil and lime dressing. All cut up and ready to toss over mixed greens whenever we wanted it. The best snack I got was a container of trail mix that I think came from whole foods – one handed, grab and go protein for the win.
Anonymous
+1 million health foods and especially fruit. One of my dear friends bought a carton of clementines and peeled them all, and brought those over. I almost cried.
+1
This is why I love the Whole Foods family meals! That is my go-to.
When I was recovering from surgery, I appreciated the thought, but really could not stomach the casseroles/heavy dishes (not what I ever eat and definitely not my type comfort food–grew up immigrant family). My very American husband thoroughly enjoyed all the heavy starch dishes, ha ha. But I so appreciated greens and healthy foods!
Anonymous
Budget Bytes has a list of 10 freezable meals that are delicious. The jambalaya is my favorite.
I’ll also add my favorite super-easy casserole recipe (which I haven’t had in ages because my husband doesn’t like things called casseroles): 1 lb hamburger, cooked; ~2 c elbow noodles, cooked; 1 can tomato soup; 1 can corn; shredded cheese. Throw the first four ingredients and about half the cheese in a casserole dish, stir, cover with the rest of the cheese, and bake for about 20 minutes. You can add a lot of stuff to this, like onions, tomatoes, etc.
PerpetuallyModerated
Soup, chili, or curries. I order white disposable paper(ish) quart containers off of Amazon. Can freeze for later or refrigerate.
Anon
Oh this is a good suggestion within a suggestion – don’t give the new mom Tupperware/Rubbermaid whatever containers she has to worry about getting back to you. Especially since lots of cultures dictate that you can’t give it back empty.
SC
Roast beef or pork tenderloin + rolls and fancy mayo for sandwiches + salad. We received this meal, and it was my favorite. We’ve been using it for meal trains ever since.
Second favorite was rotisserie chicken + sides + caesar salad + cookies from Fresh Market.
If I want to do something extra, I add in a snack — trail mix (good for late-night nursing sessions), fruit salad, or chips and guac.
Carine
Recently, chicken gyro salad from Smitten Kitchen was a hit – grilled chicken, greens, veggies, homemade tzatziki and pita on the side to stuff it in. I also added some kind of prepared salad from Whole Foods, with orzo maybe? For dessert one of their giant fruit tarts and a bottle of champagne.
Ina Garten’s recipe for empanadas in Make it Ahead was well received, with a walnut and shredded carrot salad (recipe is NYT, I think, and worth buying walnut oil for!)
Whatever I make, I like to include healthy muffins that freeze well for a breakfast option. My picky kids love these: https://www.melskitchencafe.com/healthy-oats-and-applesauce-muffins/
One of the best meals I received was a giant container of homemade chicken soup with noodles on the side to add as needed, a simple green salad, and chocolate chip cookies.
Chelle
Looking for salary advice. An internal client in my company wants me to take over an opening in their group and have upped the title so it would be a promotion. I’ve heard they do 3% raises for lateral moves, but have no clue for vertical moves in the company. I know based on GlassDoor it would be about a 15% raise. Meeting with Talent Acquisiton tomorrow, any tips for how I discuss this? I don’t want to take on a huge increase in responsibility and not be paid market for it.
Anon
How do you estimate the salary range for a position when you don’t have enough information in the current area? For the types of positions I’m looking for, I know that people at my old company in the Boston area were making about $64K (and that was considered good for the industry). I’m now in the Bay Area and I assume comparable salaries are higher; my one frame of reference is that a similar job at a very small nonprofit here offered $60K, so it seems like private sector should be more like $70K or more. Do you think I can give a range starting at $70K based on the limited data points here?
Bewitched
I would use a cost of living calculator (online) to see what the comparable $64K from Boston would be in SF. I would imagine much higher than $70K! It’s a minimum of $1800-$1900 month just to rent a studio apartment-the cost of living is much, much higher in the Bay area.
Anon
With those limited date points, I would probably give a range with the bottom point being $75k. But some of that is personal preference. I would rather lose out on a job then feel I was underpaid.
anon a mouse
This is a perfect use for GlassDoor.
Anon
Unfortunately. Glassdoor is so far all over the place that it’s really hard to tell what’s actually realistic.
good body dysmorphia
In my mind, I am 19 and willowly.
In real life, I am 48 and while trim, not going to be mistaken for a model. Grays are visible. Face skin is making me thing about . . . some sort of anti-gravity serum around the jawline.
Yet when I shop (internet), I order for my 19-year-old self and visualize things on her. The few times I’ve shopped in person to try on things, it’s almost like invasion of the body snatchers (who am I? how to people see me? what is with those spider veins and broken capillaries?).
I don’t think I’m on the road to mutton-dressed-as-lamb fashion victim status (that ends wearing hotpants or cut-off jean shorts with a Foxy Grandma sequined tee). But I feel like I’m adrift.
Is it just me?
Anonymous
I totally do this too. I send a lot back.
Anonymous
For me, it’s OMG I don’t look hot in this at all. Return!
[And I should look hot. I’m 19 and smoking, just like the model.]
Anon
Do 19 year olds really read this s1te?
Anonymous
Edited to add: In my mind, I am 19 . . .
Vicky Austin
I’ve been reading since I was 21, so it’s unlikely but not a huge stretch.
Anon
Reframe your thinking and dress for a 30 year old version of you.
Anonymous
My mind does this like “What would Queen Letizia wear”? Even though the Queen is closer to 50 than 30, she looks like a sharp grownup (so what a lawyer should look like IRL).
Anonymous
How about moving to brands that are more sophisticated and shopping them online? I made a list of brands to try when I hit 40 and figured out which ones work on my actual body. If I shop them I don’t end up in the cycle of endless returns.
Anonymous
Like which brands? The only thing I know that skews older is St. John (which I don’t think I’m old enough for) and Chico’s (not ready for boxy menopause-wear just yet (maybe it’s just my local store’s windows)).
Help!
Anonymous
I’m 30 and looooove St John Sport.
Anon
And I’m 35 and have loved Chico’s for a long time! But then I’m very petite and boxy looks great on me. And I am very partial to bright colors and safari print. I just wish they stopped with the vanity sizing, ten years ago I was in their size 1 and now I’m in 00… I guess I’ll have to find another over-the-top embroidery brand in another ten years :)
Anonymous
I like Elie Tahari, Jaeger, J. McLaughlin, L.K. Bennett, Lafayette 148, Tucker, and Trina Turk.
Anonymous
Fyi Guerlain gold face primer does the firming you are looking for.
Yeah, I’ve recently developed this misshapen idea of what my body looks like. I keep thinking i’m an hour glass when really i’m a pear with a beer belly. :/
Anonymama
Hah, I keep trying on sheath dresses that used to be so cute on me, and now they make me look like I have a healthy beer gut or am 4 months pregnant. Sigh.
Anon
A few websites/brands to try:
Halsbrook
The Fold
Hugo Boss
Elie Tahari
I’m sorry, I can’t help with casual clothes. I’m still struggling to figure that out as well!
Anonymous
Has anyone bought anything from Amour Vert? I am getting non-stop ads for them on social media and I hate to say it, but I think the ads are working. Can anyone speak to quality?
lsw
I only have one item from there, the Angela Surplice top, but I love it so much I’m considering buying it in other colors. I think it’s expensive for what it is (jersey) but it fits gorgeously and it’s so comfortable I want to wear it all the time. It’s a great work top.
Anonymous
I have. I think the Tucker silks are of better quality, at a similar price point. I do like the sweaters, though.
Anonymous
Yes!
I have a gorgeous silk dress from them and a wool sweater dress. I adore both of them and there is a blue print that sold out that I stalk on e-bay. Do it!
Lise
yes, I bought two dresses from them and love them! As a caution, one of them got a hole almost immediately, but they quickly replaced it and I haven’t had any other quality issues.
Anonymous
I have one of their striped shirts. I adore it. It’s like pajamas and is holding up well despite being so soft and thin
Gut check
Partner moved in with me three months ago. It happened unofficially. He just happened to be over more and more and so brought increasing amounts of his belongings to my place and now he is here every night. I’m happy about the arrangement in all ways but financial – he has never asked to contribute to the rent.
He owns a house in the suburbs of our city, which only costs him $400 a month. He rents to tenants who cover his mortgage, so he only pays bills. My rent downtown is $1,800 a month. Now that we are living under the same roof, I think we should both be spending similarly for housing costs each month.
I proposed he contribute $500 towards rent. That is $1,800 divided by two of us, then I have subtracted from $900 the amount he puts toward his house. We both make almost the exact same amount of money.
He was shocked I asked. Am I overreaching?
cbackson
Does he admit that you are now living together or in his mind is he still just staying over sometimes? If he acknowledges that you’re living together, I don’t know how how he can justify paying less than half (not $500). Unless you’ve combined finances and your name is on the deed to his house, you are basically subsidizing his mortgage by only asking for $500.
If he is still thinking of this as “staying over sometimes,” then you probably need to get on the same page about that first.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
+1.
For me, if someone is staying over at my place 3 or more times a week over a 3 week period (or me staying there), we’re basically living together and should be contributing payments to whoever’s place has become the main domicile.
This is same reasoning I gave to my roommates/tenants whenever their BFs tried to move in – 3+ nights a week means you are basically living together and rent should be renegotiated
Anonymous
My. S.O. and I split core expenses, adjusted for who is currently making more. Who that is has varied over the years.
Anonymous
No. Kick him out he is a user.
Anonymous
Yeah, I meant this is really weird. It makes me wonder if he doesn’t have ulterior motives. I’d research what it would actually take to kick him out if necessary, and or evict him.
Anonymous
I don’t think you are overreaching to want to split expenses in a deliberate and equitable fashion. Everyone does it slightly differently. I didn’t combine finances with my husband until we were married. When we were living together before that, I paid the rent and utilities for our place and most of the groceries. He paid for eating out/entertainment, upgrades of things like tvs, furniture. etc. He also contributed the bulk of our down payment when we bought our house post marriage from money he’d saved while we were dating. But, we had deliberately made the decision to move together and were both certain that we wanted to get married so we were comfortable with the arrangement and would uphold our bargain.
Sounds like y’all need to have some conversations about finances.
HSAL
Um, not at all. In fact, he should paying more than $500. He’s got renters. It’s not a situation where he’s just staying at your place most of the time but could go back home whenever he wanted. He lives with you, he splits the rent.
emeralds
WHAT? Lady. He should be paying you $900/month and half of utilities. Period. The end.
If this was a shock to him for any reason, kick his a** out. What was his end game here? Freeloading off of you indefinitely? That is not an acceptable response for any adult. Boy bye.
Senior Attorney
This this this.
Anonymous
yaaass!
Anon
Nope, you are totally in the right. And I’m shocked that you would be ok with so little. From my calculations, he would be paying $900 a month and earning equality in his house. And you would be paying $1,300 for a rental you both live in. I would want at least $800 a month in rent.
anon
So, does he realize that you’re actually living together, or does he think this is just a long-term slumber party? His attitude is weird, to say the least.
Anonymous
No you’re not overreaching, if he’s living there he should contribute equally to shared living expenses (given equal salaries). I’m not sure why you only asked for $500/mo. He has tenants who pay his mortgage so that wipes out his $400. And barring extenuating circumstances I also wouldn’t give him a “discount” for whatever bills he pays there. He needs to either raise the rent, get different tenants, or sell the house if he truly can’t rent it for enough to pay all bills plus ~10% for repairs etc. If this is just a matter of him being nice or passive or something, then no that does not excuse him from contributing equally to your shared home.
Vicky Austin
Nope! He pays or he leaves.
anne-on
I’d be shocked he’s shocked and would SERIOUSLY reconsider co-habitating until you have a discussion about living together, what it means to you both, how you’re going to split bills/shopping/upkeep/etc. I have seen waaaay too many girlfriends just assume that the guy moving in meant they’d be engaged soon, but the guy was so not on the same page and it led to such issues down the road.
It is perfectly fine to put the breaks on him living with you until you are in agreement on basic things like how to split up the bills/chores/etc.
Anon
BOY BYE
Anonymous
Something like this happened to me with my last relationship. He just sort of gradually moved in until he was staying there every night and had moved all of his clothes/toiletries/everyday stuff into my house. We even had arguments about closet space because he felt he was entitled to half the closet even though he only used 1/4 of it at most. Oh and he insisted I had to get the most expensive cable package because sports. The only difference was he still owned his house and resisted getting it rented – I assume so he would have somewhere to go if it didn’t work out.
I tried to talk to him many times. He reasoned that I would be paying basically the same amount even if he wasn’t living there so why should he have to pay half. He offered to pay for groceries – that’s all he ever paid for. At first it was because he still had his house. Then when he (finally, after much foot-dragging) got renters, he had debt from fixing up the house. Then when the debt was gone he finally came clean that he didn’t think it was fair that he had to pay anything because it wasn’t like he was costing me that much more by living there.
Anon
Wowwwwwwwwww. I’ll never cease to be amazed at how entitled dudes can be.
Anonymous
Bye Felicia
Anon
Many years ago my boyfriend moved in with me, to the house I owned – or rather, the bank owned it and I was paying a hefty mortgage. He didn’t want to pay half because he wasn’t going to own the house when the mortgage would be paid off, and then he didn’t want to necessarily pay half the utilities because he wanted to pay a set amount every month.
Reader, I married him.
I really did. But not before telling him that night that I wasn’t his mother and he was welcome to continue living in his crappy apartment.
Unfortunately in your situation, the lummox has already moved in. You kind of missed the moment where you could say maybe moving in isn’t such a great idea. But you are certainly free now to say, you have until October 31 to either pay half the rent and utilities or find another place. And this $500 business is garbage. HALF.
MNF
It’s not clear if he’s renting his full house or if he still has a space there for his own use – in other words, is he only renting half of a two family? If so, I could see how he says he’s not living with you. In my mind it’s like domicile, you can only have one and his might still be his house. IF that’s the case, I agree you need to decide if he’s actually living with you now and talk about it at that point.
OP
His whole is practically being rented. It has three bedrooms and he had two roommates while he was living there (his friends, who are a couple). They used one room as their bedroom and one room as their den and he used the other one. Now that he’s moved in with me, the couple also uses the third bedroom too. I suspect that he is worried about raising the cost of their rent to reflect the fact that they are using the whole house, because they are his friends. But…why should I be the one subsidizing their rent? This is all becoming clear to me…
Anonymous
yeah, you need to have a DTR when it comes to living together… I understand how it can just happen lazily, and it feels very natural, but in truth it’s a big step and involves a lot of conversations. Including one about money/rent/spending
and equity for each partner!
Anonymous
They have an entire extra room that they’re using, of course they should expect to pay more rent. They’re probably surprised he hasn’t asked yet but they’re not going to be the ones to bring it up – because why should they. This really isn’t a difficult conversation for him to have with them.
And you’re absolutely right, you should not subsidize their rent or his conflict aversion.
Curious – what did he say when you asked him to pay rent?
Worry about yourself
“Woah dude, hold up, either we live together or we don’t!” and make very clear distinctions between the two. Living together means he’s there every night, the stuff he uses on a regular basis is at your place instead of his, and most importantly, he shares the expenses (and housework), living separately means he’s only at your place 2-3 nights a week, most of his stuff is at his place (he has some things at your place but carts things back and forth) and he doesn’t share expenses. People who basically move in but refuse to share expenses are trying to have their cake and eat it too, and that’s not cool.
Duckles
I would be shocked– you aren’t living together; he still has his own place. In every relationship I’ve seen the guy stays over as a convenience to the woman, so I’d never consider asking him to pay rent. He isn’t between apartments staying with you to get a free place to stay (and even when my past Bf DID stay with me for six weeks between apartments, I didn’t charge him rent because he was my BF and I was happy to have him there, not looking for a roommate to save costs)! Once you are actually living together with one residence for the two of you it’s an appropriate conversation.
interviewing
I’m in the final round of interviews and I have to go two separate days next week (1o am Wednesday and 10 am Friday). Is there a way to do that without raising suspicions or do I just…raise suspicions? Both should be brief so I’d just need the morning off.
Anonymous
I would just say an appointment, there are tons of different kinds of appointments which require time off. Think realtor, broker, doctor, eye doctor, dentist! Lots of times you need to follow up in less than a week.
Anonymous
When I was interviewing for my last job I went through this, and I agree the best thing is just to say you have an appointment and you’ll be leaving at x time. Don’t make it into a discussion or conversation.
Boston cleaning service
Any recommendations for a cleaning service in the Boston area (Somerville)?
Yes, I know I can google – but i trust you all!
Anon
I’ve been using AA Environmentally Safe Cleaning for my Boston home for years. A friend in Somerville just started using them too and is pleased so far. Good luck to you!
Cookbooks
PQ Cleaning and Organizing. They are based in Medford. We used them when we moved to do a final cleaning, and they were fantastic. Cosmina is super nice. I think they do regular, scheduled cleaning, too.
Anonymous
So I’ve noticed Costco carries some high-end skincare products at great prices. Is this legit? Or is it all expired/potentially knock off?
Torin
It’s legit. Their stock isn’t consistent though. Sometimes when they sell out of something they stop carrying it.
Alana
I’m not sure if they responded to customer complaints, but the Aveeno sunscreen is now SPF 30, not 15! (not high end skincare, but someone here brought this up once)
Anonymous
We JUST joined the Costco train, but it is totally overwhelming to go there on weekends (basically the only time we are free). Do you ever shop online with Costco? Thanks.
Anonymous
I shop online. I hate the instore experience but my key instore tips are
1. Go rarely and buy a lot when you do. We make a trip about 4 times a year to stock up on garbage bags, toilet paper, paper towels, various dry goods.
2. Go specific – we also go twice a month just for produce. They have the best produce in our area. We go directly to the produce section, get what we want and leave. It makes the overcrowding more bearable if you’re only there for 20 minutes.
They are building a new bigger one in my area so I’m hoping that will ease the overcrowding. I love that unlike Amazon they actually pay their workers a decent wage and have reasonable hours.
Anonymous
It is legit and some stuff sells out really quickly. Costco has really high end things for great prices if you look. I got a Coach bag for less than half of retail.
Anonymous
I think they have been hit with lawsuits for some of the high end stuff.
Torin
WTH? He thinks he just gets to live with you for free? Of course he should contribute to the rent, or expenses, or whatever you both agree is fair. In no universe is zero dollars fair if he is a healthy working adult.
Frankly I think what you’re asking him to pay is less than what I would. Husband moved into my house that I own before we got married and in that circumstance I did not think it was fair to ask him to pay half of my monthly payment because I was building equity. But you’re renting, so, personally, I would ask him to pay half.
Anonymous
+1 my initial response was what the actual F.
Monday
That was my thought as well. You’re being extremely generous to even take his mortgage payment into account, since no equity that he builds in his house goes to you (as he is the sole owner). I’m shocked that he was shocked. I also don’t like the combination of unofficially moving in and expecting not to pay anything….
Bewitched
Can someone help me vacation plan? I’m looking for a destination for our family which includes 3 active young adults who will not want to sit still. Prefer Christmas week but that is SOOOO SOOO expensive that now I’m looking at 12/31-1/6. Leaving from East Coast. My first choice is Hawaii but cannot find airfares under $1000/pp and my budget is max $600. We have been to Costa Rica and don’t want to go to Florida. Where would you go?
Anonymous
Tulum!
Anonymous
Is skiing out? Santa Fe/something in the southwest might be good even for non-skiers.
Anonymous
If Zika is not an issue, Argentina.
Anon
Are you looking for a beachy destination? How about Aruba?
Cartagena
Cartagena!
Anonymous
Belize
Anonymous
Ditto! Belize is great, easy, and I felt safe while traveling.
Anonymous
Peru — only a 6 hour flight from the East Coast and tons to do! Or really anywhere that has a good deal on airfare in South America since it will be summer there. I’ve been to Peru, Colombia, and Ecuador and loved all 3. IME Chile, Argentina, and Brazil have had higher airfare, but if you can get a good deal those would all be great options too (though farther to travel for just a week).
Anon
Just something that hit my funny bone this morning.
My local symphony (SF) is having a College Night, where they promise you can “snap a pic” in front of a green screen, “snag some swag”, and enter a drawing for an awesome pizza party with your friends. And, of course, they have craft cocktails.
It’s like your embarrassing dad trying too hard in front of your friends.
Worry about yourself
Oh lord, free stuff and pizza for college students? And cocktails?? How horrible, thoughts and prayers.
I don’t know about you, but the organizations in my city that do college nights get a ton of students who are just excited to do something fun on a budget, and yeah, maybe get some free stuff. The “cool kids” are free to do their own thing.
Senior Attorney
Haha reminds me of a comedian on the radio in Los Angeles many years ago who did voices/characters, and one of them was the dorky youth group leader who was always talking about the great parties they had at the rec center featuring trail mix and Orange Bang.
anon
That actually sounds awesome. I’d be all over symphony and craft cocktails. Most of us have moved past thinking that the band and orchestra are uncool.
Anon
Right. I think college night is a great idea. I just got the feeling that a 50 year old (like me) was writing the ad trying way too hard to sound young and hip.
Standing Desks with Floor Mats
Those of you who use standing desks with ergonomic floor mats, how do you navigate footwear? I just got a standing desk and realized that I can’t wear heels of any kind without wobbling all over and possibly puncturing the mat. Do you just wear flats constantly? Trade shoes whenever you leave your desk? Something else?
Anon
I take my shoes off when at my standing desk. Otherwise, I think you have to wear flats
Anonymous
I stand in my bare feet. I probably should wear flat shoes but oh well.
Torin
Flats. Which I actually usually still kick off. You can’t really see my feet from the door.
BabyAssociate
Slippers!
Anon
Ooh I love this pick. Swackets are my jam.
Anonymous
My boss is annoyed at me because some of his buddies did not receive a mass email sent out by our organization; they didn’t receive it because they opted out of receiving emails from us….happy Wednesday.
Anonymous
ugh!
Anonymous
Inspired by the above – how much physical space do you let a guy occupy in your house when you’re not living together? My BF has a drawer, some closet space, and half of my counter space in the bathroom. He’s asking for another drawer or two (so almost an entire dresser) and more closet space. I’m a little gun shy about letting him basically move in without actually moving in and paying bills – and I’m not ready for him to move in yet. Where’s the line between spending a lot of time together (usually at one person’s house for convenience) vs. de facto living together?
Anonymous
I had a drawer and a toothbrush and my type of breakfast food in the fridge/kitchen. And a pillow b/c his were floppy gross things.
anonshmanon
How much space do you have at his place? What does he need all that space for? When I was long-distance with now-DH, I had one drawer.
Other OP
I’m the OP from the other thread. I think this is a great question and I’m following with interest. Please repost in the evening thread if no one sees this here!
Anon
Yeah that doesn’t sound like he just wants more closet space. My guess is he’s trying to do the gradual moving in together thing. He might sense you’re not ready yet and this is his way of trying to make it happen without freaking you out.
Why don’t you just tell him that you’d like moving in together to be an actual decision rather than just something that happens gradually. And that you’d like some more time living by yourself before you’re ready for that. That’s an easier and more honest way of getting at what’s really going on, rather than just pushing back on his request for more space.
Another anon
There was a year where me and my now-husband were de facto living at each other’s places before we actually moved in together. We had toothbrushes at each other’s places and that was it… It was too hard to keep track of my stuff if I was leaving some of it there. Way easier to just pack a bag.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, my husband and I called it “living together in two houses.”
Worry about yourself
Before I boyfriend and I moved in, I didn’t keep anything at his place – not clothes, not a toothbrush, nada. A big part of this was because he had roommates, and I wanted to respect their boundaries just as much as his, by not even remotely becoming the partner who slowly and stealthily “moves in,” had it been his own place maybe I probably would have kept the essentials that never left my overnight bag between visits, but it would never occur to me that someone should get their own drawer in their SO’s dresser (though it makes sense, and I don’t judge people who do that!)
This is definitely a boundary issue, and frame it as trying not to blur the line between living together and just having him sleep over every now and then. A drawer in your dresser is plenty of space, he can make do.
Torin
The only things I’ve ever kept permanently at an SO’s house was a toothbrush and some of my preferred soap in the shower. I’ve never understood why I’d want to leave, for example, clothes there. What if I’m at home and I want those clothes? That said, I only wash my hair a few times a week so I’ve never had to schlep hair-fixing-tools. If I had to maybe I’d also have wanted to leave a hair dryer or something.
Long winded way of saying: it sounds to me like you’ve given him quite a bit of space and I don’t get why he’d need more.
Anon
Tell him that! That’s a conversation you need to be able to have with him.
Anonymous
I kept a toothbrush, shampoo bc of dyed hair and one pair of PJs. Everything else like a change of day clothes I brought over with me. Pretty much same on his side, he would bring what he needed. Sometimes I’d buy cold brew and keep it in the fridge. But I’m totally shocked at the creeping move in stuff that’s been on here today, ESPECIALLY with the “I live in the cheaper suburbs or further away but I should be able to crash at your more expensive downtown place CONSTANTLY” situations. Ugh. If we were consistently spending time at a more premium place instead of my cheaper place I’d want to chip in for rent or at least utilities. The wall of people.
Worry about yourself
Right! For a year I was living in the suburbs and my boyfriend was in the city, but I made sure to respect the fact that it was *his* place, and his roommates’ place, and I crashed there one night most weekends, and sometimes once during the week if I absolutely needed to, but that’s was it for the most part. I wasn’t giving him money for my stays but I was always offering to pick something up for dinner on my way to his place, and if he’d asked me to chip in for utilities I wouldn’t have put up a fight about it.
(in hindsight, I should have at least treated him to brunch every time I was the one asking “can we turn on the AC tonight”?”)
Glassdoor Info?
How much stock do you put in Glassdoor reviews?
I have a phone interview with a company in a different city (one we are open to relocating to), so I’m doing some research on them. On paper, and from the recruiter, they seem great – well-respected in the industry, do great work, etc.
Looking at Glassdoor, they have ~30 reviews. While mostly positive (average rating is 3 stars), a recurring theme is low compensation, little opportunity to move up. For reference, one of the reasons I’m searching for a new gig is lack of opportunity. Usually with Glassdoor, if I see 1-2 really bad reviews, I assume that is more of a personal vendetta. But I see these mentioned throughout the majority, spanning back 5-6 years and as recently as this summer.
Anonymous
I would pay attention to it but use it as an opportunity to ask some carefully worded questions if you get to a 2nd or 3rd interview and do more research. Some of this can be very specific to department and experience level. E.g., the nonprofit I work at pays entry level people poorly, and due to its size, has limited advancement opportunities, particularly at more senior levels. But senior staff are compensated at standard to generous rates. So there is not a lot of turnover among senior leaders, and there is among junior people.
anon
next to none. There are just way too many variables, beyond the fact that it’s not a representative sample. How big is the company? Are these people in the same position? How long were they there? Were they well liked? What were their skill sets? What do they mean by “opportunity for advancement?” Does that definition match yours? Did they work with the same people as you will? Did they advocate for their own advancement? Obviously explore it in the interview, but you’ll just never know from glassdoor.
Anonymous
I leave GlassDoor reviews and post my salaries. I am dead honest, but keep in mind that you are reading a review from ONE person’s experience. I take them with a grain of salt because you never get to hear the other side of the story.
Asking about opportunities to advance is natural in an interview, so you can ask about it then and gauge their answer as you see fit. Re: comp, unless they are asking for a range, let them come in with their offer and negotiate to where you are comfortable and if you can’t get there then it’s not the right position for you.
AnonForThis
Looking for advice on dealing with random “extra projects” that I keep getting handed. I’m happy to pick up things that I’m actually good at but reviewing legal documents, making misc. business models, economic modeling etc are not those things because I am not an attorney/economist or FP&A person. I understand that I should be happy that the “extras” that get thrown my way are fun/challenging but i have more than enough projects in my actual job function and have neither the bandwidth nor the inclination to keep getting spread thinner and thinner
Anon
Make a list of all the things you are working on. Assign completion hours and timelines to all the things. Take your job description if you have it. Highlight things that are indeed in your job description. Make sure in-scope items add up to a full week. Highlight in a different color all out-of-scope items. Add them up. Take to boss and say: Green items are my job and take 40 hours a week. Red items are not currently officially a part of my job and take another 30 hours a week. Please be aware that I really love the opportunity to work on red items but am not able to dedicate the time required to get it done. I need you to help me: either give me a resource whom I can train on a portion of the green items, or find someone else to do the red items. Unless your boss hates you, this will work.
Raise Negotiation Tips?
I have my first ever meeting to negotiate a raise tomorrow. I’m going to be moving up in the company from an entry level job to a step up from that, plus taking on a couple other responsibilities. Any tips on how to handle this and make it go well? I’ve researched “market rate” for the position and I’d like to get a 30% raise to be in line (on the low end at least) with what is standard in our area. Does that seem fair?
I’m really anxious!!! I’ve never had to negotiate a raise before…it was always just set by my previous companies/bosses…
Anonymous
I have one of their striped shirts. I adore it. It’s like pajamas and is holding up well despite being so soft and thin