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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Merino Wool Milano-Knit Rowing Blazer

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This preppy knit blazer is right up my alley. It’s got a classic, but not boring, look with the contrast piping, and the soft knit makes it a cozy topper for a neutral outfit.

I would love this over a grey or navy sheath, or paired with a white blouse and dark ankle pant. It would also be a great monochromatic look paired with a dark red sweater underneath.

The blazer is $187 at Brooks Brothers (marked down from $268) and available in sizes XS–XL. Merino Wool Milano-Knit Rowing Blazer

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

338 Comments

  1. Gift ideas for dad? Requirements:
    – not food (Have already done a big gift basket and sent fruit)
    – can physically purchase

    Dad is 63, owns his own business, works largely from home and has for some use (so doesn’t need new office setup stuff), is in the process of moving in with his girlfriend and between the two of them they have like 8,000sq ft house worth of furniture for their new 1800 Sqft place. His main hobby is boating/fishing (mostly saltwater) likes live music, reading typical Dad Books, hiking/nature, outdoorsy stuff.

    We have already gotten him life jacket whistles with his boat’s name on them, a consumable basket, and two books. I realized when wrapping that I bought him the same two books a few years ago ;).

    I usually either go in on something with my siblings (new tv because he was too stubborn to replace his tiny one, a stereo thingy I don’t understand for his music all around the house, etc), or tix to a live show or other event we know he’d like. That’s obviously out this year. I also used to be able to get him clothes or misc household stuff but his new girlfriend is all over that and they don’t need another spoon in their current setup :-).

    I don’t want to impose any household decor type stuff on them as his GF has better taste than I do anyway.

    Ideas?? We didn’t do a family photo this year or I’d have it framed for him. We could do $$ scotch but that seems like such a cop-out. Boat gifts are often the best gifts as it’s his man-cave, but after 40+ years of boating he really has most everything in terms of accessories.

    1. Every family dynamic is different, but if you already sent him a gift basket this year, can that be it? If he has a serious girlfriend, “couples” gifts like gift baskets etc. may be more appropriate now that she can cover the more specific gifts?
      I’m confused about if the life jacket and books were this year? If so that seems like plenty along with a gift basket.

      1. +1 seems like a cop out but some people really have everything. My dad is similarly hard to buy for and he was thrilled when I sent him massive grass-fed steaks for Father’s Day in lieu of a gift I would have agonized over. Go figure. You have my permission to buy some fancy scotch and call it a day.

      2. If you feel like you haven’t spent enough or need a little “more” what about fish themed things that are not the expected stuff? Like – a 6 pack of Dogfish IPA. Gift card to favorite sushi place. Spice blends that would be good for cooking fish (like for blackening)?

      3. +1, what you have gotten him seems like plenty to me especially given the “things/needs” dynamic described.

      4. I just do those nice steaks and seafood for my dad and his lady friend. They have everything they need, and this is the year in particular that a nice steak dinner would be appropriate to ring in the New Years.

    2. A nice shaving kit. Tickets to a zoom wine tasting or restaurant gift card. All of the ingredients for a drink like an old fashioned. Good luck – dads are hard!

    4. I have family members that have everything they could possibly want/need and then some. So I make a donation in their names to a charity every year. They are more appreciative of that than any physical gift I’ve ever given them.

      1. +1. My parents’ birthdays are both the week after Christmas, and I’ve been doing gift for Christmas + donation for their birthdays for years now.

      2. +1 Over the years I’ve definitely gotten away from needing or wanting more stuff. I would really appreciate a charity donation instead.

    5. My dad is a similar age and has also worked from home for years – I got him a combined pen pot and wireless phone charger (from a list on Wirecutter of things to buy people who WFH) for his early December birthday and he really likes it.

    6. It’s a book, but for a nature enthusiast I like Buzz by Thor Hanson. It’s a really engaging non-fiction book about bees. Could be combined with some nice honey, or an insect hotel for their garden (if appropriate for neighbourhood, nobody is allergic etc).

    8. I’m kind of excited about the random thing I got my Dad this year – a boot warmer. He doesn’t have one and was asking a little bit about husband’s earlier this year, and he does a lot of outside stuff so I think he’s going to get tons of use out of it. Since your dad likes boating/fishing and hiking/outdoorsy stuff – his boots probably get wet sometimes and a boot warmer will dry them and make them toasty warm. My husband has hand a boot warmer forever to dry his boots and I always thought it was unnecessary, until I used it one day and realized that warm boots in the morning are HEAVEN. We specifically put two plugin in our coat closet in our new house so that we can each have our own.

      1. Also I think you can definitely buy this in a store – if not a department store, an outdoor store like Cabela’s should have one.

    9. I know you said he has a life jacket, but does he have a solid, well-stocked, unexpired first aid kit? Flares expire, band-aids get crunchy, etc.

    10. Donation to the local conservancy that protects his favorite fishing or hiking place?

  2. Today, there will be a few minutes more daylight than yesterday. And tomorrow, another few minutes . . . . We will get through it.

    1. This is good to know. I want to add that yesterday, I saw an older man on 86th Street who looked a bit scruffy. I felt bad for him, so I handed him $10. He smiled and said something to me in what I thought was German that I told to Myrna. Myrna showed me this excellent app on Google (translate.google.com) that allowed us to translate it.
      He said:
      “Du lieber Himmel! So eine schöne junge Frau!”
      which translates into:
      Good heavens! Such a beautiful young woman!

      That nice man (and Google) made my day, so I thought the hive would also appreciate this. YAY!!!

    4. Thank you.

      And there will be a day, if you look for it, sometime in February, when the winds are just as cold but the sun seems a little brighter. And things will get better faster from there.

    5. And thank goodness for that!

      To make you all chuckle, I am tired enough this morning to have read the email subject “Beware of Increased Scam Risk Due to COVID-19” as “Beware of Increased Santa Risk Due to COVID-19.”

    6. I actually love winter, but I hope this message is helpful to others. It has to be super tough to experience seasonal affective disorder this year of all years.

      1. Agree- reading this message actually gave me a real pang of sadness, since I like winter and love the short days that make it easy to see beautiful sunrises and enjoy quiet evenings (summer is not so pleasant here). But sympathies to those of you struggling right now and hope this helps.

      2. This is the message that I’m glad to see today–that I’m not the only one who enjoys winter, shorter days and cozy evenings! I actually find spring and summer quite challenging (is there such a thing as reverse seasonal affective disorder)? But for those who struggle in the winter, I am so happy for you that you have long, warm, sunny days coming your way.

      3. I love winter and get SAD so it’s a mixed bag. I love longer days but cool weather.

        So, Iceland in the summer, pretty much. Although I also loved Iceland in January.

    7. The solstice is one of my favorite days of the year for this specific reason. I also make it my personal new year’s day, because regardless of how humans count days, the solstice will still happen.

      1. I like to light candles before sunrise, burn a piece of paper with a few wishes written on it, and pour out a shot of whiskey for the new sun. Bit silly maybe, but I like the tradition.

    11. Many, many years ago one of the older partners in my law firm sent out the following memo to the whole firm. This was back when memos were Xeroxed and hand-delivered into everybody’s in-boxes. I still remember it:

      “Congratulations! Our cursing the darkness has been successful! For the next six months each day will have more daylight than the last. Well done.”

      Thanks for the reminder.

  3. I would just like to thank whoever it was on here who recommended Home for Christmas on Netflix! It isn’t something I would have picked out on my own, but I watched the entire first season last night. I needed this right now. :)

      1. Me too. I was worried they’d go for a cliffhanger and was so glad they didn’t.

    2. You’re very welcome!! Someone else here recommended it to me last year and it has been great!

      1. There is a recap, but it is MUCH more satisfying if you watch season 1. Otherwise the end of season 2 is a little out of left field.

    4. I want to watch this too and I looked into it last night based on the recommendation here – are the subtitles going to be annoying?

      1. No, I didn’t find them annoying at all, but my friend who accidentally started it with English dubbing reported that THAT was annoying/distracting.

        2. My Netflix defaulted to dubbing, not sure if it does that for everyone. As a person who is Very Opposed to dubbing for most purposes, you lose so much in the dubbed version, go for the subtitles!

    5. Same here! Hubby and I watched the whole first season last night and loved it!

    6. For those who enjoyed Home for Christmas, Rita on Netflix is a Danish show about an… unconventional school teacher with a similar sense of humor that came out a few years ago. Not at all Christmas related, but a fun watch!

  5. Has anyone here tried Overtone hair dye?

    I am wavy/curly with medium-dark brown hair with some grey, between chin and shoulder length. Looking at the rose gold, pink or purple. In terms of haircare, I follow the Curly Girl Method.

    1. I tried it and it did not cover or really adhere to my gray. I have dark brown hair and I tried espresso for brown hair. It looked nice and vibrant on my browns, but my grays came out an orangey-gold color that looked brassy to me. It took a while to fully fade out, at least a month with washing every other day.

    2. I bought the rose gold, since the highlights last done in February were not looking good. I used it once, and it was intense. The highlights didn’t take color evenly, so I had some really bright areas and others that weren’t. The overall effect wasn’t bad, just a little odd. I found it didn’t cover my gray at all. It might have if I had used multiple applications.

      They recommend that you get the clarifying shampoo to use before using the color conditioner. It really dried my hair out and gave it kind of a fragile feeling. I used a lot of very heavy conditioner to get it back to curly.

      I wouldn’t buy it again, because it didn’t meet my goals, but it might be exactly what you are wanting.

    3. I tried the golden brown and it made my hair like… hayley Williams in Paramore in the early 2000s red. I wasn’t impressed and I really wanted to like it.

    4. I have similar hair and did Overtone’s purple for brown hair. I loved it. My greys turned out a different color (a brighter purple as opposed to the more muted/dusty purple over the brown) but it covered them just fine and created a highlight-like effect that I thought was really pretty with my waves. I found it pretty moisturizing, although I will admit my day-to-day hair routine probably doesn’t include as much conditioner as it should.

    5. I’ve been using it for the past three or four months. If your hair is dark, you should expect that it won’t really show up unless you lighten it first.

      I first tried the “Rose Gold for Brown Hair”, and found I didn’t really like the color – it tended towards being a peach shade. I have recently been using the “Pink for Brown Hair” – this is a very vibrant magenta/pink (a bit purplish).

      My hair is naturally a dark blonde/light brown. I have parts of my hair lightened (balyage), and the color really only shows up where it has been lightened. I really like the look of the pink/brown mix, and having the balyage means I
      don’t really get harsh roots as it grows out. I have the ability to pull my hair back so it looks mostly brown on zoom calls – you can still see some pink, but it takes away the “OMG Check out my hair” factor.

      I was my hair twice a week and redo the color about every 3 weeks, as it fades pretty fast (in that time it looks faded, but doesn’t disappear). Wear gloves because it will stain, despite what they claim.

    6. Yep! Been using it for years, and it’s been my sole source of color during the pandemic (I haven’t set foot in a salon since January). I love the rose gold for brown hair, and I’ve used the purple for brown hair but found it too dark, so I recommend mixing it with either pink or red to lighten it a bit. Right now I’m rocking a gorgeous mix of chocolate brown and extreme red.

      The one thing I’ll note is that it’s not really formulated to cover grays, and they’re very up front about this.

    7. I’ve used the Extreme Purple. I have light brown/dark blond hair. Before I used Overtone, I had purple put in professionally, so she bleached my ends. The purple takes well to those and none at the top/where I don’t have light hair, so it gets the gradual effect I’m wanting. It is kind of extreme at first, but fades with each wash, especially if you don’t use the maintenance shampoo.

  6. Midlife stoutness question . . . This is where I wish my OB were older than I am (mid 40s), but they keep moving / retiring on me. About half of the women in my family are really thin until menopause and then just thicken up as they age (in a healthy way — good BP, no T2 diabetes, hearts and cholestorol are OK, pretty regular walkers, etc.), but probably gaining a size a decade (but they live into their 90s). The rest are pretty size static. I wonder, how much size change is just a normal part of aging (menopause, hormones changing, maybe joints stiffen, much more time devoted to older/younger family members)? They are all from a generation that never went to the gym, but liked being outdoors and walking, but never owned gym attire or anything more than sneakers, so that may factor in a bit (although no one goes to the gym now).

    1. It’s harder to lose/maintain weight in menopause, but not impossible. I assume there is a combination of lifestyle and genetic factors that determine whether women gain weight later in life or not.

      1. My Mom agrees. While Dad says that Mom always had a tuchus, Mom said she gained about 30 pounds since Myrna and I were born. Mom has been in menopause for years. Mom has a high cholosterol for which she takes pills and exercises every day by walking and doing yoga at Mrs. Schlussel’s house.

      1. I think “changes in perimenopause / menopause” would be a good discussion topic from someone who has been there and has peers/friends doing it. Like how there are a bazillion pregnancy board and even a ‘rette Moms page, but no menopause boards or page. It’s like the great unknown. Maybe there is a menopause and perimenopause reddit (what to expect when the baby factory is expecting to shut down???)?

        My fear is becoming dry, like the Sahara. My mom had it (hysterectory following fibroids and years of heavy bleeding) and that was a side effect of that. So no woman alive in my family has actually gone through menopause. I’d probably talk to my OB about it — who else would there be?

        1. There is an ob/gyn who is very active on twitter and semi-famous, Dr. Jen Gunter. You should check her out. I believe she recently wrote a book (or something?) called the Menopause Manifesto. I don’t know if it will answer your specific question re weight but it might help with some general questions.

          1. Jen is the best and also a witty friend. Years ago at our elementary school, we did book donations for a fair. Of course, the parents vetted the books before placing them out at the auction. In our bags and bags of book donations, we got about four medical textbooks on the female anatomy. Although it was never confirmed, we figured it was Dr. Gunter’s donation and kindly set them aside. :-)

      2. Because OBs deal regularly with women before, during, and after menopause and might have medical or anecdotal information to share?

        1. Why then an older female obgyn, who would presumably only have the advantage of speaking of her own personal experience, which is basically useless to extrapolate?

          1. A OB of 50+ probably has sisters / friends / colleagues who are in that range, plus decades of experience. Unless I’m a teen / college student, I don’t really want a freshly-minted OB. I want someone who has been there, done that, and written the treatise (and yet isn’t about to retire).

          2. Again, for heaven’s sake here. This is like asking why you’d go talk to an oncologist if you had cancer. Ob-gyn is the specialty that deals with this.

          3. I’d rather rely on someone’s education and training than whether they gots lots of cousins to chat with.

          4. Why not rely on both? An OB has book learning, but I’d like to see a couple of decades of practice + lived experience. I wouldn’t go to a gymnastics coach who’d never done a backflip.

          5. “Presumably have the advantage of speaking to her own personal experience?” Presumably she’s also completed med school, seen hundreds or thousands of patients, and stayed up to date on the medical research in her practice area.

          6. I don’t know, I’m young, have cancer and specifically asked each oncologist I interviewed how many young cancer patients they have treated. I have different lifestyle considerations in my 30s than a patient in their 70s. I’m working full time and running after young children. We need to schedule appointments that work with my meeting schedule and I’m not driving across town for a lab draw at the hospital if I can get it done at a clinic closer to my home. I insisted on the reversal of my ileostomy prior to starting chemo because it was completely unacceptable to not be able to lift my children for another nine months. You what to know what sucks? A two year old plopping down on your lap for story time and busting an ileostomy bag.

            These are all considerations that were unique to me as a cancer patient in my 30s that are not as concerning to retirees in their 70s. They all look at me funny as I work from my infusion chair while they’re having social hour, because where else are many of them getting in person socialization in a Covid era?

            I respect an OP who is looking for an obgyn who has more experience with menopause and can have a deeper discussion on the topic. My stoma nurse personally wishes all her surgeons could personally experience having a stoma so they’d be more considerate about where they place the damn thing.

          7. Walnut, I’ve been thinking about you! Hope everything is going as okay as possible for you and your family.

          8. This is a funny discussion to me because I’ve only had male OBs. I saw a female gynecologist as a teen but switched to an OB with my first pregnancy. I never thought “hmm should go with a woman because this guy has never had a baby” Seems the same for discussions of menopause. A doctor doesn’t need to have gone through it in order to counsel about it.

          9. Yeah, but after meeting some of the (few) men in my med school class who went into OB/GYN I tell all of my women friends to always have a female OB/GYN.

            Always…

        2. For something like this, I’d want the doc that has had decades of experience and countless patients.

      3. Oh good lord, ob-gyns of both genders get asked about perimenopause / menopause-related issues and symptoms (including but not limited to weight gain) all the time. How odd to ask “why would an ob-gyn help you through this.”

    3. I think this is pretty normal? Certainly, continuing to have a healthy lifestyle will help, but even then, I don’t know that most people can avoid it entirely. Even the thin women I know tend to be slightly thicker around the middle in their 50s/60s/beyond (lean limbs, more of a rounded belly).

    4. I have read that this pattern of weight gain is statistically correlated with longevity. It’s probably just good genes.

      1. (Maybe I don’t understand how “thick” you mean, but remaining slim in old age is actually considered less healthy than putting on some weight.)

        1. Is that true? I’ve read that it’s even better to be underweight than overweight, but that was independent of age.

          1. Yes, they have different BMI ranges for geriatrics, with a higher target range, and being underweight is actually worse than being overweight in geriatrics (obesity is still bad though!).

          2. Yes. Older people who have a few extra pounds are more likely to survive a long illness where they can’t or won’t eat.

        2. My mom is underweight, and it concerns me greatly. She’s now 65, and while she’s enjoyed very good health throughout her adult life despite her terrible (i.e., insufficient and disordered) diet, I am worried about what will happen if she gets seriously ill. She has zero weight to lose.

          I don’t know if my rambling makes any sense, but I would love to be able to see a model for what “normal” aging looks like, and my mom is just not going to be that person. :(

          1. It sounds like you’re saying she’s underweight on purpose, but is it possible she also has low stomach acid (which can lead to poor appetite and strange eating habits)? As a young person with low stomach acid, I eat much better without the nausea and indigestion of low stomach acid, and it distresses me a little how infrequently it’s diagnosed or treated in older patients.

          2. I mean, I suppose that’s possible, but she’s had issues with disordered eating for as long as I remember. And she wasn’t always as slim as she is now. When I was a kid, she was petite but within normal range. Now she’s flat-out noticeably underweight. I don’t know what conversations she’s had with her doctor about it; this is a closed-book topic with her, unfortunately.

          3. Understood. My mom is very proud of being thin unlike all her disappointingly average 6/8 daughters. I also just have to let it go.

          4. Yes, looking through the women in my family (and I have a whole lotta aunts in my giant Catholic family), I see far more with unhealthy habits or relationships with their bodies and food than healthy ones. My mom is a bit more restrictive than I think she should be (this has gotten worse in recent years, I don’t remember her being this way when I was a kid), but I’m very, very grateful that I was blissfully unaware of it growing up and that neither she nor my dad has never once made a single negative remark about my physique or appearance.
            I look to my grandma. She was very active into her early 90s and took long daily walks (although now at 95, she has some vision and balance issues that impede that), has always eaten a varied diet (but always indulged on special occasions), and is very outwardly focused, not appearance focused (although she loves to dress up, she just doesn’t obsess over it), and has lots of friends and a positive outlook on life. I mostly credit the last part for her good health and resilience. She amazes me.

          5. I have a very thin, elderly MIL and she has very, very disordered eating behaviors. There isn’t a lot any of us can do at this point, she’s pretty resistant to anyone telling her what to do about anything.

    5. You don’t have to keep the same eating and exercise habits as your family if you don’t want to, which is a huge factor in all of this. It’s not some genetic inevitability. There are lots of factors that could be in play – hormones, insulin resistance, thyroid, sarcopenia, etc. It may help to talk to a dietician rather than an OB if you are looking to lose weight. There are certain things to consider, like a low carb diet may work better after menopause.

    6. Around 50, my waist just seemed to start thickening no matter what I did. I’ve always been a straight up-and-down type of build anyway, never had much of a waistline, but it just seemed to shape-shift independent of weight fluctuations.

    7. Both my grandmothers live until 95. They said they did not gain weight with age, but the weight shifted from their hips/bottoms/legs to their midsections. They became less pear and more apple if you will. I’ve noticed the same body type with the older women at the gym and my 70 year old mom; they have thinner legs and rounder middles. However, for my grandmothers, once they reached about 85, they started losing weight over the last 10 years of their lives (probably moving from about 125-130 lbs down to 110-115 lbs). They just stopped being very hungry.

      1. This is me (but I’m not 95!). I have gained a size in my 20s (hello, restaurants and working long hours), then again in my 30s (hello, again, no time to work out + even more restaurants and convenience foods + 8 hours a day in a chair), and it looks like I’m on track to do that in my 40s also (so, OMG, I am never going to be NOT shopping at this rate). My wait is within 10 pounds of what it was when I got my drivers license at 17. I can tell I am more mushy / less lean, and maybe that is it. I don’t really want to lose weight, but I do want to draw a line in the sand until I’m 50/60, if that is possible (although those are the menopause years I guess, so who knows).

    8. I went through menopause in my late 20s after chemo therapy, so it wasn’t a gradual process – I was fine, took chemo, and then never regained ovarian function.

      I gained 15 pounds during the “menopausal” phase that I could not lose through any amount of diet/exercise. When I started hormone replacement therapy I dropped the 15 pounds within 3 weeks and have kept it off with zero effort. My body shape is very different now despite being the same size – I was always pear shaped, and now I carry much more weight in my upper body.

      Anyway, I used to think a lot of menopause symptoms could be controlled with lifestyle but it turns out that’s not the case. The hormonal changes of menopause have a lot of follow on effects, even if you are young – joint pain, bone loss, muscle loss, etc. I exercise so much more than I did pre-menopause (5x a week vs. 1x a week) to keep my bones health and minimize joint pain. But I look more out of shape now because it’s so much harder to gain muscle.

      There’s so much more to menopause than size change also – I experienced hair loss, libido changes, loss of skin elasticity, depression, etc. etc. It was rough! I’m not looking forward to the day when they want me to come off hormone replacement therapy.

    9. I have a sturdy grandma who lived to 101. She went from being a pear to being a bit stout. She worked a small farm, so the stout was not lack of exercise. I have gone through menopause and my shoulders broadened, my chest got larger and nothing else changed, but it gives me the sense I am heading in the same direction. Having seen her longevity, and not being some crazy fat phobe like some on this board, I am not worried about it.

    10. I just turned 50 late this year and in March, at the start of the pandemic, I lost quite a bit of weight. I don’t own a scale so I’m not sure of the amount of weight I lost, but my waistbands are about five to six inches looser and I received endless comments about this from colleagues at work. My husband and I had an active lifestyle pre covid — walking five to ten kilometres, going to the gym ( I went less often than him if I’m honest). When the gyms closed we continued the walking and added cycling in our neighborhood. After years of staying the same weight— give or take pounds here and there— the cardio (three to five hour bike rides with stops and walks to rest) led to the weight loss. I have fibroid cysts and though I was active and not overweight, the bloating and weight gain cycles were hard— I keep several sizes in my wardrobe for this reason. As I am peri menopausal, I would say that for me, upping my heart rate during exercise really triggered the weight loss in a way that other activities never did. My mom has also gained weight around the middle, and then lost it several times, but she says for her, it is based on nutrition and exercise and her heart medication.

      1. I am 51 and in menopause. I take hormones. I am quite active and do have to eat less than I did before. I would try Stronger U, You get a coach and check in weekly and they tell you how many grams to eat each day of protein, fat and carbs. I lost 10 lbs and have kept it off. My ob also retired and my new one is in her 30s and I like her but I totally understand the frustration. I miss my old one.

        1. I’m interested in checking this out. I eat less than I used to, as we used to go out for lunch once a week pre-pandemic, and we eat so much more at home and take picnics with us on walks ( we do pick up take out here and there, it this is more rare than it was before). I watch what I eat more more carefully now, and I’m more careful with snacks.

    11. I’m in my 50s and have gone from being a noticeable hourglass at all weights/sizes to a more Apple shape. It’s pretty much inevitable for most of us. You don’t see many geriatric hourglass figures.

      Look at the real housewives who are older. They rely on their looks for a living, have every option (surgical, diet, exercise) at their disposal, but still end up with a bit of a post-menopausal belly.

      Strive for health and focus less on looking 25 I guess.

    12. Part of it is shape change rather than weight gain. Less muscle and more fat moving to the abdomen area as opposed to other areas is normal with age. You’d be surprised how many increase in size but stay the same or similar weight. Incorporate more strength, eat healthy, stay in a caloric intake appropriate for your age and activity level, and just change what you wear to flatter your changing shape.
      I categorize this as “something not to really worry about” until you reach an unhealthy weight, which is age independent. Also remember that the healthy “weight range” for most heights has a thirty to forty pound span, so as long as you are metabolically healthy and close to the healthy weight range, I say worry about more serious things. Obviously if this is an aesthetic concern rather than a healthy one, then there are lots of resources to help maintain your weight and muscle mass as you age (shape will change as it will).

    13. Hormones play a huge role in metabolism and fat distribution, so when you lose estrogen during menopause, your shape changes. Like previous posters said, slightly (SLIGHTLY) overweight is preferable to underweight when you get into your 80s, mostly for bone health and to protect against illness, but balance that against heart health. Stay active and keep a good diet, pay attention to your cholesterol and sugars, and you should be fine.
      Also, I would talk with your GYN about this. Remember, even if they haven’t experienced this themselves, they have talked with and treated hundreds if not thousands of patients who have.

  7. Does anyone here have osteoarthritis? In their thumb joints? I don’t have a family history of this and am just in my 40s. It starting bothering me a couple of years ago on maternity leave. The doctor’s office gave me a brace that helps keep the pressure off of a tender area, but said that it’s just a matter of minimizing wear and tear to avoid pain (and that there isn’t much you can really do once you have it). The interwebs talk about obesity and weight-bearing joints, but these are THUMBS, so maybe a random body part to have it in. Welcome to annecdata and advice.

    1. When I have my physical, I am going to ask my doctor about this too. I feel some achiness in my thumbs that actually is a little worse after exercise for some reason. I know that they get strained from using my phone and computer all day, but it seems weird that they would already be an arthritic at my age. Let me know if you hear anything about it from your own doctor.

    2. I do. I saw a hand specialist, who recommended that I try a single cortisone shot to see if that helped, with the warning that it was going to hurt like hell but be over quickly. He said not to do more than one shot, and if that didn’t work, to proceed with surgery. He told me that about 50% of people need the surgery within a year of the shot. That was 7 years ago. I am aware of my thumbs, but not like before the shot, although I am guessing the surgery will be in my cards one day. I wear braces at night, and I am cognizant of all the thumb work involving in scrolling, and using a mouse, and frankly, holding a phone or tablet for much time.

    3. I have it in both thumb joints, worse on the left (non-dominant) hand. I use the brace when exercising. Oral NSAIDs help, but the topical voltaren gel really helps. In Europe you can get the 2% concentration and higher, US is only 1% but that still has some effect. Hope this helps.

      2. +1

        I recommend the topicals.

        I have OA in all of my finger joints. It’s genetic. My Mom had it too. All of my rings slowly don’t fit anymore and you can see my joints are disproportionally large compared with my fingers.

        I gently stretch my joints and try not to overwork them. I am staying away from oral NSAIDs (rough on the stomach), injections, and would never do surgery. Topicals are a good idea, warm soaks/warm packs.

    4. My anecdata is that I had pain in my right thumb joint and my doctor said it was from scrolling on my phone. I modified my scrolling technique and for the most part the pain has gone away.

      1. How did you modify? I need to do this too, but the few minor positional changes I’ve tried haven’t done anything.

        1. Just gave up on thumbscrolling altogether for the most part and switched to Mr. Pointer. It was hard but well worth it.

          1. Heh. And I fully realize that “altogether for the most part” is not a thing.

    5. All the women in my maternal line have early-onset OA, mostly in their hands. My mom’s hands are literally gnarled to the point that she cannot wear her rings, and she’s barely mid-60s. My hands started hurting at least five years ago, and yes, it’s mostly in my thumbs, though I can also see a bit of joint expansion and knobbiness on a few other joints.

      Minimizing wear and tear has been the best option for me, and being aware of my new limits. I don’t usually have to take something, but when I do, it’s just an over the counter icy-hot/tiger balm/biofreeze kind of thing.

    6. Just found out I have in both big toes and my right shoulder. I had a frozen shoulder last year and thought it was just that. Thought my toes might be gout. Not doing anything about either right now. Only found out because of a bone scan to check for metastatic disease. Have an elevated liver enzyme and we think it could be due to a drug for Graves’ disease, but because I had breast cancer we needed to rule out spread to the bones. Thankfully we did. The joys of aging.

    7. I had wrist and thumb pain with both of my babies when they were under 1 (mostly in the 6 mos- walking time period, I believe, when they are heavier but you still carry them a lot). It got better gradually over a few months of them starting to walk/stand independently and weaning. So, if you still have a young baby at home, that can definitely aggravate things. I have never been diagnosed with OA, to be clear- it was probably just regular inflammation/irritation of the joint. Have you noticed any activities that particularly aggravate it? Your best bet is to break those habits. And agree to try to avoid thumb scrolling. When I was having pain, that was an aggravating factor as well.

    8. Late reply but I do have it. It was kind of my first symptom of what turned out to be full blown rheumatoid arthritis, so make sure you get your rheumatoid favor checked (blood test) any time you experience arthritis earlier than expected in life.

  8. Who do you all think Kamala Harris’s replacement will be in the Senate? [And also, Feinstein — surely this is her last term in the Senate, no?]

    1. Agree that Feinstein has done her tour of duty and that it’s time to head out. As for Harris’ replacement – as a non-Californian, I would have no idea who Gov Newsom is considering and the pros/cons thereof. I cannot imagine that most non-Californians would have enough knowledge / information to have a meaningful perspective, but perhaps I’m wrong.

    2. Word on the street is that the pressure is on Feinstein to retire early (her term ends in January, 2025). That way, Newsom, whose political prospects in California look dismal right now, can appoint a liberal and a progressive to the Senate, thus satisfying both parts of his coalition.

      1. I don’t know that Newsom has such a big approval problem, but the latest popularity numbers I find are from the end of Sept, which seems a lifetime ago (I kid.). If he could appoint Katie Porter, that would just be phenomenal. A girl can dream.

    4. It’s Alex Padilla, first Latino senator from CA. Given that 40% of our population is Latino, that seems pretty reasonable and it seems like he’s done a good job increasing voting access as Sec. of State (the main thing I know about him). I kind of want Feinstein out, but I don’t love senators being chosen rather than elected, so I’d really rather not give another pick to Newsom (who I actually approve of, I just don’t think it’s his decision to make).

  9. So, this is the only place I can ask this… Every other place I could ask this of would have people trying to get me.

    Whamaggeden. The closest I have come this year is a story about it on local TV news, but they deliberately didn’t play the music, just the video.

    So I am still in, right? (No one can convince me that this is a Christmas song. It’s a break up song with Christmas in the title.)

    1. I don’t get Whamaggedon because I really, really like the song. And I cannot stand 90% of holiday music.

      It’d be much more challenging to try to avoid Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” … that may actually be impossible unless you eliminate all forms of electronic media from November-January.

      1. Just looked it up and that’s the last thing I’d want to avoid! I love that song, too!

      2. I just looked that up as well. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart? OMG yes, more George Michael please!

        I’m also partial to Step into Christmas by Elton John, which isn’t overplayed like other Christmas songs.

      3. Huh you just made me realize that I haven’t heard a single note of any holiday music this year. Perks of lockdown life, I guess!

    2. I don’t get the hate. It’s pretty much the only modern Christmas song I actually like. As far as I’m concerned, they should play it all the time!

          1. I have to also point out the “Christmas Wrapping” version by Save Ferris. Holidays from a Jewish perspective.

    3. I’m still in too – I think because unlike previous years I haven’t been spending time in cafes, shops, and bars this month.

      1. Whamagedden relates to the ubiquity of the Wham song “Last Christmas.” The idea is that you’re in the game until you hear it for the first time during the holiday season. I haven’t actually heard it yet, only seen a clip from the video without the sound. Ribena is out because she heard it in a TV show. A friend of mine got knocked out this morning because the security station at her office has set it up on constant repeat.

        Another friend rewrite some of the lyrics to describe The Telltale Heart by Poe. It fits and scans really well, but it is mega-creepy!

    5. I don’t know. The first time I came close this year was looking in the mirror when I put on my Wham! Last Christmas t-shirt. Would that count? it was only a visual. *giggles*

      (Until I put on my Christmas list on spotify and deliberately put on Wham! *giggles some more* I’m sorry, but I love the song. Can’t stand the video, though. And I do have and wear that t-shirt.)

      I think you’re still in. :D

    6. Ha I lost on Nov 20ish or so when a short story I read somewhere led me to have a fanfic idea based off the song “Last Christmas” and I went off to listen to the song to refresh my memory.

      That being said, I’ve only heard Christmas Wrapping once this season and I guess it’s because I’m not driving as much as I normally would…

  10. When I told my colleague/friend that my bf and I wanted to go away for a few days, he said we could stay in his second home in a picturesque town nearby while he’s not there. It will save us $400-500 in lodging costs, and though we’re not inconveniencing him by staying in his empty house, it’s incredibly kind of him and I’d like to thank him. When I offered to rent it/pay to stay there, he declined.

    In this circumstance, how much do you think is nice to spend on a thank-you gift? I like him a lot, but we aren’t super close and I wasn’t expecting this offer, so I want to do things generously and right.

    He’s a foodie so I was thinking along the lines of nice alcohol/bitters/salt/spices…if anyone has specific suggestions that have been hits, I’d love to hear it! I’m in NYC if it matters…

    1. I would spend about $30-40, not more. It’s a nice gesture but if you spend too much, it became a more like you’re paying him instead of recognizing the friendship gesture.

    2. We own a second home. A bottle of wine with a box of chocolates would be plenty here IMO.

      2. We have a second home. When friends/family use it, we love it when they put something in the freezer for us when we get there next time. Lasagna, soup, etc. Doesn’t need to be homemade.

    3. I’d offer to pay for their cleaning costs and think you’re on the right track with a nice housewarming kind of gift around $100

      1. The only thing to watch out for is if they rent the place to others as a vacation rental, anything you leave will probably get removed after your visit to clean up for the next guests. If it’s just their house, I also second the idea of leaving a gift there

        1. Thanks to everyone so far for their help! It’s just his private home and he doesn’t rent it out. If I can I think it would be great to leave something there for him at his second home.

    4. And it goes without saying, but leave things in the condition you found them, if not better. Unless there is a washer/dryer on site, I’d bring my own linens.

    5. Agree that hiring a cleaning service would be a great thank you, as well as a bottle of wine/champagne/beer (whatever his preference) left in his fridge as a surprise for next time he is there. If he is a foodie, you could also leave some interesting cheeses in the fridge to go with the wine. I would be delighted to come home to that.

      1. Please don’t get anything that’s perishable in the next 60 days or so. It’s a kind gesture but if you don’t get there for some reason, it can go very wrong.

        2. As a second home owner, I strongly agree that you should not leave anything in the vacation home that is perishable. The adage about streets and good intentions and paving comes to mind.

      2. Yeah, this seems like a really bad idea unless you know for sure that he’ll be there in the next week or two. And I don’t own a second home, but I would HATE it if someone hired a cleaning service for my house without asking me first. Don’t go overboard with gratitude, that just makes it weird! Your initial idea of alcohol (assuming you know he drinks) or spices is fine.

        1. +1 to not going overboard with gratitude. It would be so much more appropriate to get a decent box of chocolates from your favorite chocolate place with a nice handwritten note.

        2. I agree with this, I meant offer to cover the cost – most people already have a service they use, definitely don’t go finding one! Also agree on no need to go overboard with gratitude, a gesture is nice. We have a second home too, and my favorite thing is just getting a few photos texted showing me that my friends are enjoying themselves, there’s really no need for more. I do come from OP’s school of wanting to do it right though if I’m staying at someone else’s home, and not knowing the sensibilities of OP’s friend, you can’t go wrong with a bottle of wine/non-perishable gift of some kind.

        3. Agreed, hiring a cleaning service for someone else’s home would be weird. Nice intention with a weird execution.

          Wine/etc. with a thank you note is the best option in my opinion, and really nice.

          1. I don’t think it’s “hire a cleaning service for someone else’s home” as in “find a fresh housekeeper out of the blue and invite her to clean this guy’s house” — I think it’s more “leave money to cover the regularly-scheduled housekeeper who he is going to ask to come in after you leave.” I have had occasion to stay at someone’s second home and that is what they requested, so I did it and that seemed to make sense — it was going to be a while before the owners got back to that area so it didn’t make sense to leave a gift, whether perishable or not. Of course, leave the place immaculate no matter what!

        4. Definitely alchohol. It does not spoil, and it can keep in the bottel there for him. Plus, he can always regift it if he does not like it.

    6. I would send a really nice bottle or wine it whiskey to his home and pay for cleaning.

    7. My sister has a second home that I have stayed at a few times for 10 days or so. I have left a bottle of wine or other liquor in the house, sometimes with other things (e.g., she has nice Pottery Barn dishes but really needed cereal bowls, IMO, so I bought a set – but she’s my sister and I think that’s different). I have also paid for the cleaning service that she uses regularly; I just send her the money (and leave a tip in the house for the cleaners, since I usually know they’ll be coming right after I leave).

      If your colleague is likely to be at the house soon, leave something nice and nonperishable there; if not, give or send him something directly, with a nice note, and offer to pay for the cleaning service.

    8. I would offer to pay for cleaning and leave something small and non-perishable. Don’t leave food in the fridge or freezer as suggested below as if the power goes out, you have created a new life form for them to deal with.

  11. Any tips, helpful advice, or analogies in dealing with colleagues when they’re not doing what they’re supposed to and it impacts you work? Advice for a manager in the same position, especially when the people are much older and senior.

    1. Tell them that COVID not an excuse for non-performance. Just b/c they are older and senior does not entitle them to a paycheck. We had to make a partner retire when he decided he would coast through COVID and return if and when he wanted to. We told him this is a busness, not a social club, and he did not have any billeables for 6 months, so we voted him out. He is 75 so he will be fine.

  12. I posted on the moms site too..
    I have 3 kids under 7 with my husband – we both work full time jobs.  Mine is much more demanding and he’s a very involved, loving dad.  Our 18 month old still wakes up through the night and he takes all of the responsibility for night feedings – I’ve been very grateful.He smokes pot over the weekend, after the kids go to bed. I’ve told him i was completely okay with it given it’s just the weekend – moderation!  He’s been trustworth generally but there were a couple times over the week where I asked if he was high and he said he wasn’t – and then broke down and said he was.  He apologized last time and said he wouldn’t do so again, and said he lied because he was embarrassed.  I got that and totally let it go – i appreciated his making amends. That was about 2 months back.Last night I found him smoking – on a Monday.  He’s already been smoking Fridays through Sundays.  I shouldn’t have said this but I said if he persisted with this, to the point that he’s smoking not just on weekends, we’d have to divorce. If kids were grown – fine.  But this scares me.  I don’t want my children growing up with a dad who smokes pot every day.  Since he was stoned, he didn’t say too much, except he thought I was overreacting. This morning he was furious.  He said my reaction was completely unreasonable and he’s angry with me.  He said he doesn’t drink, he never smokes around the kids (this is all true) and it’s after they go to bed.  He genuinely wants to know what the harm is. Please tell me – is my response unreasonable?  

    1. This is why I am not cool with states legalizing pot (which is still illegal under US law, albeit not an enforcement priority). I would not be OK with stoned dad eating the Fritos every night. I guess b/c I see daily stoned people as people who have let the house chores slide and otherwise aren’t really pulling their weight. Also, b/c in my experience, stoned people start cooking on the stove and if they are the only person up, stoned and cooking, they either forget and leave a burner on or you awake to a kitchen that is a disaster that has plates of random food by whatever the person watches TV on. [There are some people that we will never vacation with again.]

      1. If you’re not cool with legalizing pot, that means you ARE cool with the drug war, which has been one of the most racist, harmful, ineffective, and expensive policies ever enacted in U.S. history. Pot being legal doesn’t mean anyone’s going to make you smoke it or go on vacation with people who do.

        1. Living in an apartment makes second-hand pot smoke a problem. Any smoke is bad smoke. Go outside or don’t do it.

          1. Cigarettes are legal, but non-smoking apartments exist. It doesn’t make it legal in a non-smoking rental if pot is legalized.

      2. what? Is this a rampant problem now? Canada and plenty of states have had legalized pot for years now and there has been no spike in stove fires.

      3. Something should be illegal because you have the perception that people who partake let house chores slide and aren’t pulling their weight? That’s such a weird line to draw. Where is the societal harm? Sure don’t personally be with someone who is like that, that’s a personal choice, but something shouldn’t be illegal because you think it makes them lazy.

      4. Um, drunk people do far, far worse things than people who are high. This is a weird take.

      5. I live in a state where weed is legal and we have dispensaries for recreational use. My boyfriend and I always have a supply of weed chocolate in the apartment, but we only use it sometimes. Usually a Friday or Saturday evening when we can sleep in the next day, we order pizza ahead of time, and we start taking them around 4PM. We don’t have any kids that we’d be neglecting, or pets that need to be let out. We both work hard during weekdays, and we’re (mostly) on top of housework.

        I can definitely see being frustrated if a partner or housemate is slacking on their chores due to weed, or being dumb in the kitchen while high and leaving the stove or oven on, or neglecting their kids, BUT not every adult who uses weed is so irresponsible.

      6. I think you should tell him no more Pot. There can be no half-way on this since you have kids, and you don’t want the kids to hear that their father is a pothead. If he does not stop, you should see a marrage counselor.

    2. Well, since he takes care of the 18|month old during the night under your division of labor, this means he is high while providing childcare. This would not be ok with me. (Also would not be ok if it were alcohol.) The fact that he is hiding his usage and lying about it are also red flags. I think it might be helpful to talk this through with a counselor.

      1. +1 all of these things are issues, even apart from whether “smoking on weekdays” is a morally acceptable thing to do.

    3. I would be upset too if it became a daily thing and I say this as someone who occasionally partakes. I would also be upset if my spouse drank daily, though, which plenty of people do and have no problem with.

      When it comes to smoking pot, there is more research coming out about potential lung damage. Would you feel more comfortable if your husband used edibles instead or is your issue with the substance overall?

    4. The defensiveness is a red flag, along with his embarrassment when you caught him earlier smoking during the week. I get that 2020 has been a whole new level of stress for everyone, but as with any substance use/abuse, if it impacting your relationships with others (in this case you), it should be addressed. If he is smoking to the point of being really stoned (as it would be if he was really drunk), there’s always the chance that kids or other family members have a nighttime emergency that would require a sober, adult response and he would not be able to help or drive if needed. One last thought – you didn’t say if pot was even legal in your state – which if not, is introducing yet another layer of concern.

    5. I think it’s fine. DH and I are both regular pot smokers. We own a house, have two very important jobs and tbh we are more ‘together’ than our peers, we don’t have clutter or mess or dirt in our home. We also don’t drink because of the unpleasant effects so pot is our vice. There is a lot of social stigma around it so we generally don’t tell people and I’m sure they’d be surprised that the yuppies in the beautiful old Victorian use all those balconies to get stoned on. If you compare it to wine culture there really is no difference.

      1. You do you, but wine culture has its own issues, so not sure that’s a great comparison.

        1. As someone who both drinks very occasionally and smokes even more occasionally, I think alcohol is far more harmful to both the user and others (when you look at health impacts, level of intoxication, increase in violence, drunk driving, etc). We just stigmatize them completely differently, which I believe was this poster’s point.

      2. Wine culture and mommy-needs-a-glass-of-wine-at-book-club and rosé-all-day covers up a lot of suburban mommy alcoholism, which is really no better than what’s being described here.

      3. It’s not about the pot. It’s about the lying and the potentially being intoxicated when caring for small children. Parenting is a 24/7 job and at least one parent needs to be sober enough to care for the kids, so parents need to communicate about when they are consuming intoxicating substances whether it’s wine or pot.

        1. Do you really consider yourself unfit to parent after two drinks? Because a little weed can be the equivalent of that. I can personally say that every parent I know has more than two drinks on occasion and considers themselves just fine to parent. They aren’t visibly drunk but they probably shouldn’t (and don’t) drive either.

          1. Yeah, I think there’s a lot of hyperbole here. Smoking one joint is probably equivalent to 1-2 drinks, but we all know (or are) people who drink 1-2 drinks a night and who are still good parents and humans.

          2. Where did you get the idea that I consider myself an unfit parent after two drinks? I don’t consider myself unfit after two drinks or a little pot but I definitely let my husband know if I’m drinking/smoking and if I’m still good to take care of the kids or not. The other parent needs to know so they can be aware if the person who is drinking/smoking has misjudged their levels.

            DH and I regularly have wine and a little pot on occasion. I’ve taken care of my kids during nighttime wake ups while a little buzzed but I’ve NEVER hid or lied to my spouse about wine/pot etc. He lied so she has no way of knowing how high he is or isn’t because how can she trust him to be truthful about how much he used?

          3. Well, I think he lied out of shame and because OP is threatening to divorce him over what he probably views as a minor thing. I don’t think it was okay to lie, but there are two sides to every story and the story should probably be worked out in a couple of fair conversations and/or couples counseling.

      5. +1 to everything Anonymous at 11:02 said. I don’t smoke but my partner regularly smokes, has a very important job with no diminished capacity, has the best memory for details of anyone I know, and I know most people who don’t know would be very surprised to learn that he does. We’ve been together for many years, he’s occasionally quit for long periods of time without telling me and I’ll go weeks without noticing. In my very personal firsthand experience of observing both the affects of alcohol and marijuana, alcohol is by far more significant. There are also levels to getting high just like drinking – one drink =/drunk, a couple hits is not the same as totally stoned on super potent weed. Most people don’t recognize because it’s not normal to us. We’ve normalized alcohol and we have knowledge of the different levels; pot has these different levels of intoxication as well.

        As the partner of someone who smokes, the real red flag in OPs post is the relationship dynamics going on. My partner has always been very open with me, but I also don’t judge him or ask him to change his behavior. I’m his partner, not his mom. The big difference in our relationship is we don’t have kids, so I can’t speak to that. But the one piece of advice I would offer to OP is to try and figure out if your judgement is coming from a place of real actual harm/knowledge of how your partner is acting while high (and level of highness) or if it’s coming from the societal stigma?

    6. Your response is NOT unreasonable. I do think it’s fair to say that there is a big problem here. It wouldn’t be cool for your husband to be drinking while parenting on the regular, and it’s not OK with pot, either. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

    7. I think it’s unreasonable to go straight to, “get a divorce” if this is the first conversation you’ve had about his increased use. I don’t partake, and I generally dislike that my partner does regularly. He knows I don’t like it, so he doesn’t do it in front of me, doesn’t talk about it, etc. It only comes up if we’re about to go pick up some dinner and he is unwilling to drive, that’s usually my cue that he had something. I think there’s several issues, lying to you about his use being the biggest one. The second is whether his use is impacting his ability to be a good father, husband, worker, or general adult. My alcohol intake increased significantly during covid. I used to have maybe a glass of wine or two on the weekend, but during covid, it became an almost-nightly ritual. One glass of wine is not going to make it impossible for me to function, doesn’t impact my ability to make healthy choices the next morning, and doesn’t turn me into a person that is belligerent or giggly or any other extreme behavior. But it’s not the choice I would usually make, and we both know that in normal times, I would not drink so much. I would be pretty frustrated if my partner made comments every time I poured a glass of wine. I’m pretty conservative when it comes to p0t, but even I recognize that my partner taking a hit or two of it is not going to make him incapable of staying home and being a reasonable person (again, it would be totally different if he was trying to drive somewhere or do dangerous activities). The influence on the kids is a different issue, and if we had kids, I probably wouldn’t drink in front of them so often. All this to say, you and your husband need to have an actual conversation about this, not him lying and you threatening divorce after what sounds like one conversation.

    8. You’re right that you shouldn’t have threatened divorce and you should apologize (if you haven’t already). It sounds like you don’t really want a divorce, you want him to curtail a bad habit. Focus on the actual issue, don’t derail with threats.

      It may help to think of weed like alcohol. Personally, I wouldn’t be thrilled about my SO drinking every night, but if it was just one drink I wouldn’t say anything. I’m not his mother. As long as it doesn’t impact me or our family, I try not to criticize. However, if he’s obviously drunk/high – which it sounds like he has been at least a couple times – then that’s a big problem and you’re right to address it.

      The actual harm is that he’s taking care of your infant at night while high. He might miss signs that are easy to miss – like the baby stops breathing during the night. He’s not available for emergencies. And he’s also not available for you – when do you two have your own time to relax together and bond and ahem other things? He’s disconnecting from you so he can go get high. Maybe you can suggest doing something together in the evenings?

      1. My understanding is that today’s weed is really potent. It is hard to say what is the pot equivalent of “one beer with pizza,” which I do not see as a problem, and downing a bottle of wine in one sitting. One beer with pizza and I’m OK with you watching an 18 MO kid. Downing the bottle = child protective services might get called. No to mention — are the kids getting any second-hand smoke? That would not be cool.

        1. Some weed is really potent. Some weed isn’t. You can totally see this by visiting any dispensary or even a dispensary website. It’s just like alcohol percentages from your example.

    9. You’re going to get a wide range of responses on this so I’ll add mine.

      Being high on pot, for a lot of people who are regular smokers/partakers, is not like it’s portrayed in the movies where people are weaving around slobbering on themselves and jonesing for munchies, and shouldn’t be driving a car or taking care of kids. Most of our friends who are regular or semi-regular smokers are their same responsible selves after a joint (or a few hits, or an edible) – just more relaxed. The same way many people are after a first or second glass of wine, the drinking of which is perfectly legal and very encouraged by society. We have several friends who smoke or eat edibles more days out of the week than they don’t (it’s decriminalized in our state and there are dispensaries everywhere) and they are still responsible people who can hold down demanding jobs (several own businesses that have multiple employees, etc.), serve on nonprofit boards, take care of their families, etc. I find it incredibly amusing that people here and elsewhere have zero problem drinking half a bottle of wine a day, or being on daily pharmaceutical drugs that have a much stronger altering effect on psyche and behavior, and then have such a problem with people smoking pot/eating edibles. It’s a plant, people, and please read up on the reasons why it was illegalized in the first place before you bring in the “well, but it’s illegal” argument. Alcohol was illegal once too, for similar reasons. Too many people took those “reefer madness” videos we saw during Just Say No rallies in elementary and middle school in the 80s and 90s waaaay too seriously. If you still think Nancy Reagan had a point you need to update your mental information repository about drugs, especially marijuana.

      So OP, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do here but I personally think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than is warranted. I do agree that the lying about being high was not okay but at the same time, I am going to point out that blowing up at someone for telling the truth tends to make them lie the next time they’re questioned. I think it would be good to sit down, ask your husband to be honest about how much he’s using pot and explain you are not going to blow up (and hold to that), and then renegotiate the ground rules about how child care, etc. gets done. Threatening to divorce him over pot use is an overreaction and probably not going to get you anywhere, or at least not anywhere you want to go. Smoking pot/eating edibles is no longer the exclusive purview of stoner losers in flannel shirts who live in their parents’ basement. A lot of people have figured out pot is a great alternative to pharma drugs or alcohol and use it the same way people use those substances – and also things like running, shopping, gambling, gossiping on the Internet, scrolling through Instagram, etc. As stress relief. Consider trying it yourself, you might like it.

      2. She was fine with him smoking 3/7 nights a week so she’s clearly not Nancy Reagan. As posters down thread have said, the issue is not the smoking. The issue is agreeing to something, breaking the agreement, lying, and then getting mad at OP for calling him out.

        2. I see your point about Nancy Reagan, but if this was super reluctant and begrudging, I can also see how he might feel policed or parented. His behavior is bad, but I think “rebelling” is a common (bad) outcome when someone feels like a partner is trying to assert authority (and this dynamic may be inadvertent when there’s so much general societal authoritarianism aimed at the vice).

          1. so it’s okay to agree to something with your partner and then go behind their back and ‘rebel’. That’s pretty shitty behavior. They agreed on when he would smoke pot and he didn’t come to her and say they should talk about changing the agreement, he went behind her back. Lying in a marriage is not okay.

          2. I said it is NOT okay, but it is also not surprising. If my husband were all up in my business about some minor vice (I don’t know, Candy Crush or something), I would not necessarily feel (emotionally) like he was entitled to an honest answer if he was drilling me about it. It’s not good to lie, but when you feel like your boundaries are being stepped all over, it can feel like setting a boundary.

    10. Actually OP, I think we need a little more info. How “stoned” does your husband get? Is he on couch lock, barely able to tear his glazed eyes away from Scooby Doo as your child plays with knives, or is he a little buzzed but behaving otherwise normally? There’s a big difference and I think you need to be proportional in your reaction. You wouldn’t want to hammer someone who had one glass of wine a night as a “drunk” or “unsafe around kids,” would you?

    11. I guess I want to know more what your particular concern is and how impaired he is. Pot is legal in my state. I occasionally have a low THC gummy at night. It is the equivalent of having 2 drinks in my opinion. You wouldn’t likely say someone is an unfit dad because they had two drinks, would you?

      I do see a distinction between edibles and smoking though. Smoking is much worse for his health and the scent can impact other family members.

      The lying to you is certainly an issue but is there a disconnect here where for example you say no substances at all and he finds it unreasonable? If so, that’s the bigger problem you need to dig into together.

      I understand the downstream posters point about a child needing a ride in an emergency but the same is true for alcohol and many parents still get tipsy together on a Friday night after the kids go to bed. I’m assuming they have a plan B like an Uber for an emergency. Heck, adults could need a ride to the hospital just as much as kids!

      1. I think this is a good point. I certainly don’t know any parents who refuse to take a sip of wine on a Friday night because their sleeping kids might suddenly need to go to the ER.

      2. DH and I both drink and smoke but we are never too intoxicated to drive at the same time. Either he or I use more or less depending on whose turn it is. If you’re too drunk to drive, you are likely too drunk to parent and at least one person needs to be able to take care of the kids. And I know we’re not alone in this because when we get together with friends, we often chat about who has an overnight sitter, or if it’s the mom or dad who is ‘off duty’ and free to drink/smoke that night.

        The idea that parents are sitting around both getting drunk after their kids go to bed has absolutely not been my experience either here or with DH’s family/friends in Europe where alcohol is a larger part of everyday life.

        1. Part of the distinction between commenters is likely their risk tolerance driving. I personally wouldn’t drive after 2-3 drinks but I feel non-impaired enough to parent my children. If another person feels fine driving after 2-3 drinks they can consume that and still be “on-duty.” There is legally drunk and actually drunk which are two different things based on your body size, how much food you have eaten, etc. One strong martini and I might be over the legal limit to drive even if I feel perfectly fine.

          1. Adding to this, if you’re driving your partner and kids somewhere and you and your partner both agreed 1 drink was your limit for the night so you could be sure everyone would be safe, but then you secretly had 3, lied and said you had 1, and drove anyway, that’s not ok at all. It may or may not be below your personal safe consumption limit, but it is for sure above the safe consumption agreement you had with your partner. If you disagree with your partner about the limit, you should have a conversation, not lie to them so you can do whatever you want.

    12. I think there’s a danger when so much social stigma exists that he will feel bullied. So it’s just going to be a sensitive topic no matter what. It seems clear that he’s self medicating or otherwise struggling with control around this. To me this falls very squarely into “in sickness and in health” territory. I think the fear is a bit disproportionate; these are really not normal times for anyone. But even if the fear is warranted, is it actually that much worse to grow up with a dad who smokes post every day, as compared to a dad who is zonked out on Xanax or Seroquel or Ambien because that’s more socially acceptable?

      1. I’m going to push back a bit on this comment because you can be prescribed xanax for anxiety and if taken appropriately, when you are anxious, you come down to normal, not “zonked” out. There is a lot of stigma about taking medications for mental health and one is that anyone taking any is “zonked.” Not the case.

        Though, I agree prescription sleeping pills could be a better comparison.

        1. I think Xanax is a useful tool and agree its effects should make someone feel normal, not sedated. But I have also definitely seen people really, really spaced out on Xanax. There are also studies that have concluded that Xanax taken appropriately as prescribed leads to serious impairment while driving, for example, even when the drivers feel like it’s helping. That doesn’t mean no one should take Xanax for anxiety; it’s actually a lot safer and less impairing than a lot of other options. But maybe you are right that at this point, the stigma building around benzo usage is approaching the stigma about pot anyway, so that it’s not a helpful comparison for making a point about stigma and self-medication.

      2. Is the problem really the substance use, or is the problem that he’s repeatedly lying about it? If OP’s husband is suffering from addiction (which seems like it could be the case), he needs medical care, not for OP to enable his unhealthy behavior.

    13. I feel like the bigger problem is that he’s struggling right now and leaning pot to cope. You may want to address the underlying issue-which might be that your arrangement isn’t working so great for him.

      1. This was my first reaction. If it was a working mom being saddled with the majority of childcare, we would have jumped to this point a lot quicker. Being the primary caregiver at any time is not fun and very stressful, and even more so during these times. I know I would get defensive and resentful if my husband had approached whatever (seemingly reasonable if out of character) coping mechanism I created when I was in the husband’s shoes here (primary caregiver saddled with the hardest parts…) even knowing we discussed that work division and it was what was needed and happened. I think more grace, concern, and empathy is needed here. Apologize for threatening to divorce him over this, to start.

        1. Using an out of character coping mechanism in a time of stress is different than using an out of character coping mechanism that you specifically said you wouldn’t use and then repeatedly lying about it, though.

    14. You get to have whatever dealbreakers you have, but… I agree that you went from zero to 60 pretty quickly.

      Also, keep in mind that if you do divorce, he’ll likely be smoking more and he’ll be in sole charge of the kids during his custody time.

      1. Deciding whether to get divorced based on whether you can control his behavior around the kids isn’t great, though.

        2. A lot of marriages are based on one partner being afraid of the other partner being alone with the kids for extended periods. Why do you think a common time to divorce is after the youngest kid finishes high school? My kid’s safety means a lot more to me than my own happiness. Not saying OP should be worried about that in this situation but being able to influence or not influence a partner’s behavior is definitely holding a lot of marriage together.

        3. No, but getting divorced because you don’t like his behavior around the kids, only to end up with him doing those behaviors around the kids with you not around, doesn’t seem to make a ton of sense either.

          1. That just seems like it’s shunting all the responsibility for the husband’s behavior onto OP. She shouldn’t have to stay married to someone she can’t trust just to try to have more control over his behavior. If this is a serious enough issue to warrant never wanting him alone with the kids, it’s better to do that without him than to try to do that and manage his behavior while staying married (and therefore all kinds of legally liable) to him.

          2. anon you seem very very naive about the level of bad behavior that a parent has to demonstrate in order to lose custody. If she leaves, it is extremely likely that he would have tons of time with the kids without another adult present. Pot smoking without say, driving while impaired, is not going to do it. If he is a very involved Dad, the most she might get would 50-50 custody. That’s a lot of time that he is alone with very small children and without another adult to intervene if he gets high.

          3. But the reality is unless the behavior is something CPS involvement worthy (which this does not seem remotely close to), she does have more of an ability to control/monitor/mitigate his bahavior while being married to him. It’s just how child custody works.

          4. I get that divorce and custody are kind of a mess and he’s likely to get custody. I have no qualms with someone making the decision to protect their kids by staying in a less-than-ideal marriage. But I don’t think it’s great advice to tell OP that divorce is a bad idea and she needs to stay in a marriage with someone she can’t trust simply because she can’t control his behavior if they are divorced. She can’t control his behavior in the marriage, either, which is part of the problem–he’s lying to her and not holding up to their agreements about smoking.

          5. Nobody wants to feel controlled by their spouse or pressured into agreements that are well characterized as control. It’s not okay that he’s lying, but it sounds like he’s struggling, and the whole dynamic sounds unpleasant and unhealthy. I agree that concerns about the safety and welfare of the children sound like a red herring if it’s fine for him to have custody, just not to defy his wife.

          6. She can’t control his behavior but if married then she is in the house with the kids to keep them safe vs. post divorce and they are alone with him.

          7. To be clear, I’m not telling her not to get divorced. Just pointing out something she may not have considered, seeing as how this seems to have come to a head rather suddenly.

    15. I had a similar issue with my ex husband but with drinking. He was secretly getting drunk every single night — a 6 pack of beer every night when he was drinking just beer, or half a bottle of liquor (whatever the size of the bottle — he would drink at least half, or the whole thing if a small one). Semi-regularly I would wake up to him throwing up. If there was some sort of emergency, he would not have been able to handle it or help me handle it. With 3 kids, if something happens and one needs to go to the ER in the middle of the night, and the other parent is too high to either go or stay home alone with the kids? My ex refused to quit drinking for years and I was afraid to leave because I didn’t want him to have our child solo while drinking, and I didn’t trust him to not drink when he had the child, even if it wasn’t all the time. Our marriage was a disaster. Eventually I started photographing/videoing the evidence of his behavior, and he (correctly) guessed that I was collecting evidence to get solo custody in case of divorce and finally agreed to get help. After he significantly improved, I divorced him. I don’t know if he drinks ever now (he didn’t for a few months before I left), but it’s been a few years and everything’s been fine with our kid so far — I live a block away so I’m always nearby in case of emergency, and she has several ways to reach me. He keeps it in check I think because he knows I would fight him for custody if there was even a hint of trouble. My life is much happier, but I needed a lot of therapy to deal with incredible stress of the whole thing.

      I’m not a pot smoker and no one in my life is, so I don’t know how to scale my experiences to your husband’s behavior. But smoking almost every night, hiding it, lying about it, are all signs of addiction (physical or psychological) and I agree with you that it is a problem and I would deal with it ASAP as best as you can. Good luck OP!!

      1. This is why you have to sleep with a man before you decide to marry him. If he’s a drunk, he will be like this one was, either throwing up or pissing all night. He also could be a dry drunk. That is how you catch him. In my case, my ex drank right in front of me so it was hardly a surprise when he would be sloshed and pissing all over the floor in the toilet. That is why I sent mine packing years ago and I’ve never looked back!

      2. I think your situation is vastly different. For most people, pot takes the edge off (like having a glass or two of wine). It doesn’t lead to the sort of behavior your ex exhibited.

    16. You both get to have your own ideas and opinions about what is reasonable behavior. Hopefully they end up being compatible.

      1. When you have small kids, you can’t rely on being ‘hopeful’ that your co-parent isn’t high or drunk. Parents need to communicate with each other about pot and alcohol use.

      2. They need to both honestly communicate their opinions, come to an agreement on boundaries, and then follow that agreement when they are the parent on duty.

    17. My ex did this secret consumption/lie about it/act embarrassed while caught/promise to do better cycle many times before I left him. Turns out his addictions (to alcohol and nicotine) were far worse than I realized when we were together because he was good at hiding it most of the time.

      I didn’t understand why he lied and used in secret, because it’s not like I or anyone else was judging him for drinking and vaping. We had ground rules that we both thought were reasonable: after drinking at a party, whichever of us was driving would use a breathalyzer; any money spent on vapes/booze for either of us had to fit in our fun money budget; don’t drink or vape around kids. When he started talking about “needing” nicotine to cope with stress, I gently told him I was worried about him and suggested he talk to someone. He did, then claimed he had joined an anonymous group and was quitting entirely (not something I ever asked or suggested he do), but was lying about all of that so he could continue using without me knowing.

      Reading your post, OP, the thing that concerns me isn’t the weed or whether it’s objectively reasonable to smoke on a Monday night. It’s the fact that he’s lying, that he’s angry at you for not being cool with him breaking an agreement you both made (no smoking on weeknights), and that he alternates between seemingly agreeing with you about substance boundaries and being mad that you expect him to follow the boundaries you set together. What does he really think about weed usage while parenting? Can you trust him right now on this topic? Reasonable people can disagree on the exact amount of alcohol/weed/etc. that is appropriate when parenting, but reasonable people do not attempt to lie to their coparents in order to do what they want even though they know the other parent isn’t ok with it and then try to manipulate them into feeling like the bad guy for not being chill with a sudden uncommunicated change in behavior.

      1. “reasonable people do not attempt to lie to their coparents in order to do what they want even though they know the other parent isn’t ok with it and then try to manipulate them into feeling like the bad guy for not being chill with a sudden uncommunicated change in behavior”

        This times 1 million.

    18. i’d say the SECRET drug use is a bigger problem than the occasional pot use. you need to know when another parent is drinking or smoking or otherwise f’ed up so you can be a more present parent. also, lying.

    19. On the one hand I feel like the day of the week doesn’t really matter, as long as he does it while the kids are in bed, but I would worry about always being the one sober parent capable of dealing with kid-related issues at night. What if one of them gets sick in the middle of the night?

      The one thing you’re definitely allowed to be upset about is the lying! He lied about being high, that’s an issue and could potentially lead to bigger problems and trust issues. The last thing you want is to leave him in charge of the kids while he’s secretly stoned.

      I’d probably say “I was okay with this when it was a weekend thing, but now that your smoking is bleeding into the work week and you’ve lied to me about being high, I’m getting nervous, about your ability to control your usage and whether I can trust you to be honest about your level of intoxication. I also don’t want you setting a bad example for the kids, and I don’t want to always be the one sober parent at night if one of the kids wakes up sick.

      1. I just don’t know any adults with kids who smoke pot who couldn’t still handle a kid getting sick at night. Pot simply isn’t that incapacitating for most people most of the time, especially regular users. My husband was once third on call at work and ended up having to assist with a huge technical issue at 10 pm after smoking and he made it through fine, although he said it wasn’t fun. Are there really people who are getting SO stoned that they are dead to the world and their family’s needs? It doesn’t sound like that’s happening with OP if she had to ask him if he was high or not.

        1. We don’t know precisely how high OP’s husband is getting because he’s lying about his usage. Maybe it’s a manageable level right now, but will it stay that way? We don’t know, because OP’s husband isn’t being honest about his usage and isn’t adhering to any of his agreements about when he will be sober.

          If the issue is really that OP’s husband thinks he can get low-level stoned and be fine, he should initiate a conversation about it, not lie, hide it, and get mad that OP is worried about him and the kids when she finds out.

        2. +1 it’s so abundantly clear most commenters here have no experience with pot and have no reality based frame of referece to form their opinions from, but they’re sure to tell OP how awful the devil’s lettuce is.

          1. Did you even read any of the responses? Tons of people referenced being pot users or having a pot using spouse. Clearly the primary issue being the lying and lack of communicating about breaking their agreement.

          2. There’s only one comment about weed itself being bad, the rest are about lying or abusing substances in general.

        3. If he’s lying about when he’s using, is it such a stretch to think he might lie about how much he was using/how high he is as well?

          ‘adults with kids’ is super broad category. OP has three kids under 7 including an 18 month old. That’s vastly different than a parent with a 12 year old.

          1. The point wasn’t that he was lying (that’s a separate problem), but that she had to ask to find out if he had used. That suggests it wasn’t obvious and that he wasn’t passed out on the couch, completely unrecognizable as a husband and parent.

          2. it’s weird to focus on the asking if he used part. Wouldn’t someone always ask that? Like if I come across my husband passed out on the couch, I’m not just going to shrug and assume he was drinking/smoking on a day he doesn’t usually. I’d try to wake him, ask if he was okay and asked if he had a drink or smoked so was passed out from booze/pot or if he had a medical issue of some kind. I’m not sure what kind of pot user you are if you think the intoxication levels are ‘totally fine to care for kids’ and ‘passed out on the sofa’, there’s a huge gulf in between those, especially when you have three small kids, and it’s totally reasonable for OP to ask. It’s like the least controversial detail in the whole post.

          3. My point was that if he’s too incapacitated to parent, you’d know. I think a lot of the responses on this thread are a big leap from “smokes when kids are asleep” to “bad parent who couldn’t respond in an emergency.” I think most pot-smoking adults would still be able to respond completely fine.

    20. My husband and I have 2 young kids. I work part time, he works full time in a very demanding job. We have been together since college and always smoked. I don’t do it much these days, just a little bit on special occasions (its become an election night tradition after 2016…). For me, it’s because I am the one who usually gets up with the kids and it makes me feel kind of groggy in the morning. Also, I snack a lot and would gain weight if I did it regularly since I’m not a kid anymore. My husband, however, does it pretty much every Fri/Sat/Sun. We basically had the same arrangement you guys had, except flipped whose job is more stressful. I’ve “caught” him doing it on weeknights before and we’ve bickered a bit but it’s worked out. He gave it up for a year once and he definitely realized it was a coping mechanism, and that he should probably develop better ones. He did, but when he has really stressful days, he still wants to smoke. I prefer it to alcohol, personally (we rarely drink anymore). He used to have a beer or two after work on the regular and, honestly, this is better. In a perfect world he would go for a run or something healthier and maybe he’ll get there one day, but it’s 2020 and we’re just doing the best we can.

      I think you overreacted in the moment, but in an understandable way. You’re human. You need to reflect on how much you care about it, what your hard lines are, what you think is making him do it more, and then you need to talk to him (while sober) in a more calm, open way. With the goal of understanding where he is, why is he doing it more than he used to (or has he been doing it this much for a while and just didn’t get caught?), what he thinks about it. Just approach with curiosity and kindness and talk it out.

    21. To be honest, I wish my husband would smoke weed more often. I don’t like it for me because I tend toward anxious/paranoid when sober, so weed just brings that out in me. In my husband, it just makes him more relaxed, loving, creative, and fun. He tends toward grumpiness sober, and that for some reason goes completely away with the weed.

      I like my wine and he will often share some with me at mealtime. On wine, he’s more grumpy and tired and irritable. On wine, I’m loving and fun and relaxed.

      My point is, people react differently to different substances. We do have kids, and I’d trust my husband to patent our kids while slightly high 100% more than while slightly drunk.

      What you need to have an honest conversation about is exactly how impaired your husband gets. Would he agree to one hit only on a weeknight? Would you feel differently if it were wine, and if so why? Have you seen any lack of responsibility in his parenting during this period where he has been sneaking it?

      I think you both have issues here. Your husband is behaving childishly, sneaking things behind your back. On the other hand, you’re coming across as controlling, authoritarian and “my way or the Highway.” This is not a sustainable pattern. You both need to let down your walls and communicate honestly, openly, and less judgmentally. You have to appreciate that your husband is a different person than you are and ways to celebrate that rather than trying to mold him into one of your minions.

    22. My dad smoked and GREW throughout my childhood, when it was all very much illegal. There are pictures of me and my siblings driving our Big Wheels around his enormous pot plants that he cleverly disguised with large fake flowers – attached with pipe cleaners. This was in the 80s when Reagan had helicopters flying around looking for people like my dad to arrest.

      I had no idea he smoked, because it was all after our bedtime. To this day I have not smoked once. My brothers smoke on rare occasions. And our dad was an awesome dad:)

  13. Are Sorrels worth the hype?

    I’m in the upper Midwest aka frozen tundra and I can’t imagine wearing a wedge heel on ice. That said, I’m starting to like some of the flatter styles. I need something that can go with jeans now that we are more casual, walking at least 3 blocks to and from the parking garage to my office. I don’t want to look cute but fall on my a** – but I’d love to have a shoe that works all day instead of pulling shoes on/off.

    (Yes, my employer requires me to report to work in person for my knowledge job, I have looked for other similarly paid work to no avail, I have an office with a door and will be spending every holiday alone this year).

    1. The wedge Sorels are really cute, but I’m with you — I wouldn’t dare wear those on the ice! I have a pair of Sorel snow boots and like them a lot. I’ve had them at least 4 years and they still look brand-new. With a pair of wool socks, they keep my feet warm even when I’m playing in the snow with my kids. In fact, I have now asked Santa for a pair of out ‘n’ about boots. If/when I ever return to the office, they would be good communting shoes when I don’t need a full snow boot.

    2. My Joan of Arctics are trusty, I haven’t fallen in 3 years (knock wood), but they are a huge pain to get on and off, and I’ve noticed that when doing things like walking my dog they get noticeably heavy. When they kick the bucket I’m getting a shorter style like the Caribou that will hopefully feel lighter.

    3. I have the wedge ones with the zipper recently featured and love that I can wear them into the office and then also into and out of stores running errands in the snow. Well at least pre covid. The tread is amazing! And they’re waterproof. I wouldn’t shovel in them or anything haha.

    4. I have had my classic Sorrels for 30 years! Had to replace the felt liners once, but that is it. I wear them for walking the dog, going to the store, etc. Really warm and wonderful boots.

  14. This may be too random for an answer here but given the diversity of interests here, figured I’d ask. I started learning Arabic once we went into work from home/stay home orders this year; I’ve kept it up for 8 months now. I am at a point where I’m mostly thru all the lessons in the app I chose. I find the most limiting thing right now is that I need more vocabulary. Is anyone aware of anyplace that sells Arabic vocab flashcards – preferably digital? In school I definitely was NOT someone who could learn by writing words on index cards so I’m fairly certain that won’t work now either. Yet in the last 20 years with phone culture and constantly swiping our phones when bored, I feel like this could work yet when I google around I don’t see anything like that. Yes I realize speaking with native speakers is a big part of language learning — that’s on deck for the new year I think to get weekly speaking lessons.

    1. Have you searched around on Quizlet? You can make your own flashcards on the app, but you can also search things that others have made. I’m not totally sure about their support for Arabic language though – they definitely have most of the European ones.

      1. +1 for Quizlet. Their mobile app is great and they have such a huge user base that I would be surprised if there weren’t Arabic materials on there. You can also import from other formats to quickly make flash cards out of a list or spreadsheet of vocabulary words.

    2. al-Kitaab was a book series that started with letters and then moved on to reading. I used it ~15 years ago. They were starting to add CDs and videos to the lessons then, so I imagine they are more advanced/digital now.

      Also, even if you have no interest in religion, I found some Koran readings with an oral part as well as the text (with all of the vowel markings) also super helpful as I progressed.

    3. Fellow Arabic student here. I recommend Anki, which is a site that does flashcards for just about anything you want, but which seems to be primarily used by language students and med students. There’s a bunch of lists for both MSA and various dialects. You can set how many new words you’d like to learn each day.

    1. Thank you. It’s been heartbreaking to see people I know take healthcare workers for granted. One of my uncles, who is currently in quarantine (if he’s bothering to observe it) after being exposed to COVID by a home health worker, had the gall to blame the home health worker because “who knows what he does in his personal life” while said uncle has been gallivanting around like there’s no pandemic. It’s one of many reasons I’m dealing with anger towards him, even though I’m worried he’ll get it now.

      1. Your uncle sounds like he could be a heartless a$$hole. Meanwhile the home health care worker is coming around to help wipe your uncle’s a$$ and being paid a pittance to do so. There is no evidence the home health care worker is doing anyting outside of COVID guidelines while your uncle clearly is. I suggest you show your uncle this p’ost so that he can evaluate whether or not he is a heartless a$$hole.

    2. Thank you for this. As a healthcare professional, not currently on the front lines but with many friends who are, it makes me a little sad there are so few comments on this thread.

      1. I blame the comments on the need to click a link and general covid fatigue. My husband is a healthcare worker who just got the vaccine today- very happy day here! It has been better the past few months, but I will never forget the spring surge when PPE supplies and testing were limited. So much anxiety and fear. I have never seen him My heart goes out to the families in the article.

    3. This is heartbreaking. Maybe I’m more in tune with it because of the number of healthcare workers in my family, but it is amazing that people aren’t thinking of others (healthcare plus elderly plus nursing home residents plus those with cancer and asthma and diabetes and heart disease) at risk. All my relatives report an acceptable level of PPE. My son is an MD at another large university urban hospital and is working the ICU about half time, the other time in his hospital rotation. So he is also exposed, though he doesn’t do intubations in the ICU like daughter is exposed to. An then there’s my younger brother who is an ER MD at a third university hospital where the ICU is over capacity and the new ICU created is over capacity. He also has a blood cancer and has 35% chance of death, given that particular blood cancer. He should get his shot today, I hope. But still he will be at risk for a while. And then my sister, who is a NICU nurse and while she is protected mostly, there is a chance that a parent will bring covid into the NICU when visiting. And, rightly, she has not been given the vaccine yet but should get it in early January.

  16. For those that have decided to get Botox/filler/cosmetic procedures (thinking along the lines of laser treatments, microneedling), do you set a budget or plan your spending in any way on this? And if so, how? I’m in my early 30’s, and realized I could easily spend close to $20,000 on this stuff over the next decade, which seems excessive. (Yes, I already have the basics of Retin-a and Spf covered).

    1. I’m 44 and care deeply about my skincare routine. I spend between $4-5K a year on products, treatments and Botox. It’s within my personal budget, I enjoy it and I feel and look great. But you can tailor a skincare routine to any type of budget. There are products and services within a wide price range. Find what works for you.

      1. +1. Am 40, and I plan to spend maybe $2.5k on skincare this year. Am doing between 1 and 3 laser treatments (depending on how long it takes to get the results I want) and possibly Botox. I have the money set aside in savings for it.
        I spent $800 on 3 microneedling treatments this year, and am happy with the results, but it only treats texture and not pigmentation so am looking forward to the laser.

    2. Obviously if it’s something you want to do, you will need to incorporate it into your budget. $2,000 per year doesn’t seem excessive to me but the question is whether it fits your priorities.

  17. My cleaning service etched my marble floors. I don’t want to blow it out of proportion but also they should know better than to splash something acidic all over marble… what would you guys do? Wait until after the holiday and complain/fire them? I don’t want to ruin anyone’s holiday but it is pretty annoying.

    1. I would fire them in a heart beat. But my house is my pride and joy, it is perfect so if someone messed up the marble it would be a very expensive repair.

    2. Idk anything about caring for marble, but any time my cleaning service has damaged something, they pay for it. What is the cost of repair? Have you asked them to pay? If it’s enough to go to homeowners insurance over, you can bet your insurance company will go after them if they don’t pay voluntarily.

      Whether you fire the service is up to you, but you’ll probably get better results if you give them a chance to make it right.

      1. The cost of repair is perhaps an attempt to rebuff and then replacement, which is thousands of dollars – is that something her insurance would cover? I doubt she is wealthy. I’m not sure what the line is between justified and unreasonable, it’s not really something that is easily fixable.

        1. It sounds like you might need to report this to your homeowner’s insurance, then. You’ll have to tell them that your housekeeper did it. They will likely subrogate against her/her insurance.

    3. The cleaning people themselves may be underpaid and receive very little training. I assume the cleaning service is insured, and certainly you should ask them to make it right through their own insurance. I’m a homeowner and I have had many kinds of floors, but unless I had my own marble floors, I wouldn’t know not to use acid.

      1. Agree with this. Had no clue about how to care for marble. Unless you specifically said the floors were marble and not to use anything acidic, I don’t think you have a claim against her insurance. Tons of ceramic tiles are made to look like marble these days. If you have specific requirements, you need to advise your cleaning service.

        1. Anyone with any basic familiarity of building materials (like a house keeper) can easily identify marble from tile. When your job is literally cleaning things, the expectation is you know what chemicals to use when you clean things.

          1. Haha, no. Cleaning is considered an entry level job, whether that’s fair or not. Cleaning services charge a lot but don’t pay the workers well, and don’t train well either. Unless you are employing white-glove cleaners, assume they know nothing. That’s one reason why the service has insurance. Also, with respect to acid, a lot of people like green cleaners like vinegar which is acetic acid, so cleaners have been gravitating to those.

        2. I can tell marble from marble looking tile by touch, but I consider myself an obsessive in this field. I would not expect a cleaner to necessarily know the difference. When I had marble tile in a bathroom, I specifically instructed each new cleaner about the tile and what to use and not use on it.

        3. Yeah, I don’t think “we didn’t know what material it was and didn’t bother to ask” is a defense against any claims against the cleaning service.

          1. Homeowner did not advise surface required any particular treatment may be though. It’s not that they didn’t know what it is, but ceramic and porcelain are much more common materials so unless OP was using a high end service, I would think it makes sense to mention the marble when discussing the work they will do.

    4. Honestly I think this was on you to mention up front. Cleaners can’t be expected to be able to identify every material they come across, so if your floors are delicate enough to be seriously damaged by normal cleaning products I think you need to inform them of that.

  18. I have an etiquette question that may seem obvious to others but I’m a little lost. I sent out e-cards for the first time recently. To my surprise, a lot of people responded! Some just said thanks, some said I hope you’re doing well/how are things/etc. Do I respond to these emails? Or is that like thanking someone for a thank you? Also, should I be responding to ecards that other people send me? I haven’t in the past because wouldn’t respond to a physical card in the mail (I add the sender to my holiday card list, though), but now I’m wondering if people think I’m rude.

    1. IMO, you certainly can use it as an overture to reconnect with people, but if they only sent a “thanks, hope you’re well” you don’t need to feel an obligation to respond. I think people are desperate for connection more this year than ever.

    2. I get texts every year when I send out Christmas cards (stuff like, “Thanks for the card!” or “Loved the card!”, etc.). I always respond because it just feels weird not to respond. I will say something like, “I’m glad you liked it– hope you’re doing well!” Sometimes it leads to a longer conversation and sometimes it doesn’t. I figure the point of sending a holiday card is to connect with people, so I’m not going to just drop the communication when someone else reaches out and it’s pretty low effort to exchange a pleasantry.

      For your second question, I don’t think you should necessarily be responding to the e-cards or other cards you receive! I think the e-card is in the same vein as the physical card, so I’d just apply all the same rules, personally. I do send a quick text about a card every now and then if I feel compelled but definitely don’t send communication about all of them.

  19. I apparently hurt my right hip/back/side by sitting on the couch (doh). It’s been a little over a day and I’m still sore. Nothing hurts to the touch, it feels like muscle soreness, but I can’t seem to sufficiently stretch whatever muscle hurts. I get some temporary relief when I do yoga or walk, but the soreness comes back like an hour later. I’m currently pacing around the house trying to get work done and apparently terrorizing my cat in the process. Is this just what it is to get older (I’m late 30s)?

    1. I would consider this worthy of medical attention–not because it’s serious, but because it may be so easy for an expert to suggest the thing that makes it better quickly. My hospital sends videos of the recommended PT exercises for minor things like this (I don’t have to go anywhere to work with a physical therapist).

    2. You can look into telehealth with a physical therapist who may ask you to move certain ways and report on the discomfort (and watch you doing so for clues as to what is going on), and then provide you exercises that may help.

    3. You should treat it with heat. A heating pad or a hot bath with Epsom salts can do a lot.

    4. I’d use advil (800 mg every 8 hours) as it can be used as a muscle relaxant. I’d also use a heating pad (/blanket/hot water bottle) to try to relax the muscle. I also sometimes foam roll or tennis ball roll. If it doesn’t feel better by tomorrow I might try a teledoc appointment (to avoid 12/24, 12/25).

    5. A bunch of people on this board don’t like chiropractors, but I love mine and would absolutely go in for this and he would fix it in one session and I wouldn’t see him until I did something else. I practice yoga and am generally really in tune with my body too, so I notice pretty quickly when I’m getting sore and get into him right away. A few weeks ago I could tell my hip was out of line but I also had stomach cramps all weekend. I didn’t think they were related at all, but made an appointment for the hip. Yes my hip was super out of line, and turned out my stomach cramps were directly tied to it – my core muscles were contracting to try and keep my hip in line. After the appointment my cramps were gone.

      I swear, you just have to find a good chiro and it’s life changing.

      1. I also have a sports chiro I use this way. I think the problem with chiropractors is just that it’s the wild west. I see the guy the local university sports team uses, and he fixes me up in one go and then I don’t go back for months or years until something else pops up. This was after becoming frustrated with approaches that relied more on braces, orthotics, and me doing exercises (the chiro tells me to exercise, but I don’t always follow through if I feel fine, whereas I didn’t feel fine even if I faithfully did my PT’s exercises). I would try to find a DO who does adjustments if I had something more serious to address, but for these small things that come up, I’ve been pleased.

    6. If it lasts more than a couple of days, see a doctor. I like sports orthopedists because they are focused on getting you up and running again.

    7. See a physiotherapist. They are specifically trained to address muscle issues.

    8. At the beginning of quarantine, I thought I had a muscle issue as well in my hip/back/side out of nowhere, and it turns out it was a herniated disc in my spine. The PT blamed it on the chair I was sitting on and sitting so much more than I do when I’m going into the office. I spent a month thinking it would go away with enough heat/ice pack time, but it just got worse. I finally gave in and went to PT and the pain went away amazingly quickly. Some relief after just one session, a ton of relief after a couple, fully healed after about 4-6 weeks.

      1. Also, the yoga poses I was doing to try to stretch out the painful “muscle” (i.e. where I thought the pain was coming from) turned out to do more harm than good, so would definitely recommend talking to a PT or doctor sooner rather than later.

        1. Any chance you can share what yoga poses were a problem? And where in your spine the problem disc is located?

          Asking because I am dealing with a similar issue, but my amazing sports medicine doctor who was helping pre-pandemic left the practice and I have not yet found a replacement, so I am trying to take it easy until I find someone new. Yoga sometimes helps, sometimes hurts, and I have not yet narrowed down which poses are the issue.

  20. So grateful and excited that I got a new job and negotiated a six-figure salary! I have been underpaid for a long time and was feeling discouraged about my earning potential, so this was a much-needed boost of confidence! I feel the work will be fulfilling and will make a difference. I believe I will have good work-life balance!

    5. Congratulations! That sounds like a wonderful way to end 2020 and a great start to 2021!

  21. Ugh…I was really hoping the replacement for Kamala Harris’s Senate seat would be a woman.

    1. I hear you but it’s huge to have a Latino representing California. Now if Feinstein would just retire and we could get a younger (Black) woman in her seat.

    2. Really? I was really hoping the replacement for Kamala Harris’s Senate seat would be someone competent.

      1. Haha love this. The identity politics in the dem party just show how corrupt and useless this woke stuff is. Having fun burning money and watching your tax base flee, California. At least a minority represents you!

        2. I’m glad you find this funny, but wanting women in government and in discussions where decisions are being made that will affect them isn’t “identity politics.” It’s wanting your nation’s government to actually reflect the nation’s population. There are currently 74 male senators and only 26 female.

          “Women belong in all places where decisions are being made.” – Ruth Bader Ginsburg

    3. Yes, I just posted in the thread above. 40% of Californians are Latino and we’ve never had a Latino senator, so this is a pretty big deal. I would have been happy to have a woman also, but CA has been represented by two white women for decades now, so this is actually one place where I’m okay to be giving up a seat to a man.

    4. I don’t know anything about Padilla and would have liked for a woman to take the seat as well, but if Padilla is the best person for the job, that’s good with me. My beef is more with unqualified men being half as good but twice as popular, not the fact that qualified men should still have opportunities to serve.

      1. Son of Mexican immigrants, got an engineering degree from MIT, been doing a fantastic job as Secretary of State making it super easy to vote in California. I’m all for more women too (and the next one better be a woman), but this isn’t a bad pick.

    5. I was hoping for a black or Hispanic woman so disappointed as well. The gender ratio is so off in the Senate and this just worsens it.

  22. Thank you to all of you ladies who responded to my post “Marriage help?” yesterday. Your comments helped me to see what I already know in my heart – I’m not happy and this situation is unlikely to change. However, I feel a lot of guilt about hurting my husband by leaving and he is trying to work on improving the situation but that hasn’t really changed my attraction to him. Also, I’ve considered moving out but I am terrified of being on my own. I’m a big law atty and am very worried about my job security as we went through a round of layoffs a couple months ago.

    Can anyone recommend a therapist that might be helpful to discuss these issues? Thank you.

    1. We can’t recommend a therapist until we know what state you are in; very few are allowed to practice across state lines.

    3. +1 to Psychology Today and if you are in California I know somebody great who will do sessions by Zoom. Hit me up at seniorattorney1 at gmail.

      1. I forgot to put the therapist ink to Psychology Today. You can find a therapist right where you live; they all are very happy to work with you, tho it will cost you to deal with them, as they are professionals that deal with cases like yours. Most, tho not all, are women.
        https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

    4. Marcie Schulman (google her and she pops up). She is amazing and worth every penny (I am fellow biglaw). She does a quick consult and also offers an intensive 2 hrs session if you need that ( I did) and it was scary to carve some me time for myself (told my deal teams I had a medical appt) but amazing. She does great teletherapy too (during covid). I am grateful for the person who posted her name here previously. She also understands women in high stress jobs.

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