Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Stretch Tunic Pencil Sheath Dress

273 Comments

1. Any advice/tips on sciatica pain relief? I have a loved one that’s 2 weeks into pain that keeps him from doing anything but sleeping and working. It is awful to see someone usually so upbeat and lively in this much pain. TIA

   1. Get him to physical therapy, stat! This isn’t something to mess with with or let linger. Sometimes you need a Dr referral, depending on network/state/etc. I had this pain during my first pregnancy. It was debilitating. PT three times a week for a few weeks got it under control and I was able to decrease frequency later. Best of luck!

      1. Also, until he can get in I would recommend ice and maintenance doses of a pain reliever he can tolerate. Get one of the expensive large back ice packs (worth every penny), use it more at the lower back/tail bone area. The pain can travel down that nerve, but the source is higher. If he is in that much pain I would advise against trying to start any SI exercises without a professional’s input for fear of further injury. I remember there were some that were not recommended when I was at the very beginning most painful stage.

         1. http://www.amazon.com/Chattanooga-ColPac-Therapy-Polyurethane-Over-Size/dp/B000QFZRNE/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1453473529&sr=8-2&keywords=Colpac

      2. Definitely PT, and see if you can find someone who also does Active Release Therapy. That technique has made my sciatica bearable.

   2. Thank you both for your suggestions.

   3. Lots of good suggestions here.

      Is he self-diagnosing? Then he needs to see a doctor. His primary care doctor first (can help with some general pain control recs), then a general neurologist. If you know a good neurologist, you can jump to that. Not a surgeon (ortho, neurosurg). After a careful assessment by a neurologist, then referral to PT. If the neurologists are booked up, ask to be put on a cancellation list, or call 1-2x per week to look for a cancellation to get in sooner.

      Meanwhile, try cold packs or hot packs. Start with tylenol. If doesn’t help, try an anti-inflammatory. Read the directions and don’t take more than directed. If his pain is still bad when he sees the doc, they should prescribe him a neuropathic pain medicine while he is getting this under control with PT (ex. Neurontin, Cymbalta etc… they all have cheap generics).

      He needs to sleep, or this will make the pain worse. If he is mood is not good, this will make the pain worse and should be addressed.

   4. Does he have a disc injury? Has an MRI been done or has he seen a orthopedic RN or PA or Dr? I started getting sciatica and back pain and after a month of being blown off by my normal doctor, went to an orthopedic RN and got a MRI and found out it’s because I herniated a disc. The things that have helped have been PT twice a week and acupuncture (I was skeptical, but it provides about 2-3 days of definite pain relief so I don’t care how it works, I just go). Also helpful are heating pads, moist heat (e.g. hot tubs), cortisone shots (through the doctor), tramadol shots (painkiller shots into the area) or just oral painkillers (I use aleve).

      If it is a disc injury, it should continue to improve (slowly perhaps) but it WILL improve. If after a few months-a year it doesn’t improve, surgery would likely be suggested. Good luck to your friend!

   5. I wouldn’t necessarily do this exercise without talking to some type of medical professional to understand the cause of the pain first. But, my pain was because my sacrum was out of place, pushing a disk out of place that was hitting my sciatica. My home exercise I was prescribed involves laying on my stomach, pushing up into essentially the cobra position but using just my arm muscles and not my back muscles to do so, high enough that my hips become slightly raised. Then repeat 10 times, almost like doing lazy push ups. I had to do this 4 times/day, then 3, then 2, and now just as needed. For me it really helped but I had a very specific issue to address.

      I’m also a big fan of ART chiropractors though I know they are disfavored by a lot of people here. A friend and I got the same injury at the same time doing different things. I went the chiro/pt route. He went the MD route. He got drugs and an MRI but no real relief. (Steroids and pain killers). His took about 2 months to resolve, mine was resolved in about 3 weeks. YMMV of course.

2. $23 seems too cheap for a dress that wasn’t made by someone working in pretty dubious labour conditions. I’d like to be proven wrong, but that price feels too low to be anywhere near fair to half of its supply chain.

   TJ. Someone suggested yesterday that if you feel like a kid playing dress-up in a suit, to wear it around the house until you feel comfortable. I change jobs about six months ago and went from a very casual office to the business end of business casual. I still feel like I am playing dress-up in my suits all the time. Anyone else felt that? Any tips on how to get over that feeling?

   1. Embrace it. I love the dressed up feeling of a suit or a particularly fabulous dress. :)

   2. I don’t think feeling like you’re playing dress up is a problem. They did a study with people and put half of them in white doctor’s coats and the ones that dressed up in the costume performed better at the task. Can you use the costume to your psychological advantage to be better at your job?

      1. Hmm. Well, feeling like I am playing dress is a problem in that I feel less confident when I am wearing that I think are not ‘me’. I’m sure more confidence in a suit, but I feel more confident in jeans.

         Perhaps a denim suit is the answer.

         1. Can you find ways to make a business look more “you”? Fun shoes, or colourful jewelery, or a simple, fuss-free hairstyle might make the difference.

            1. Yeah, I think that’s the challenge, making a business look more ‘me’. I think jewelry is a good place to start.

   3. I got over my “dress-up” feeling by getting some things I could wear with suits that felt very “me”, especially jewelry and the blouses I’m wearing underneath. For example, I have a Kate Spade blouse that has a print of little foxes on on it that goes well with one of my suits; I think the blouse is very cute and fun, and something I also wear with jeans and heels for happy hour, so I always feel like myself when I’m wearing it.

      I’ve also made a habit of getting a few pieces of trendier jewelry that I think are fun and “me” from places like Express. Wearing a suit automatically makes your outfit so much more conservative that I think it makes it easier to wear bright colors or statement jewelry without feeling overdone.

      In short, you probably feel like you are playing dress-up in a suit because the whole thing is so far removed from what you would usually wear. We express ourselves a lot through our clothes and it can be disconcerting to feel like your clothes identity has been taken away. If you can find a few things that helps you preserve your “clothing identity”, you will probably feel less like you are pretending to be someone else or playing dress-up.

      1. Yes! My ‘clothes identity’ has been taken away. I’m walking around looking confident and feeling mute. I need to figure out how to express myself in ‘suit language’. Jewelry and fun prints are a good place to start. Thank you.

      2. OMG — I have a fox print blouse, too. From Land’s End though. I adore, adore, adore mine. And it’s in my favorite colors.

   4. Time. I have been in a business formal work environment and felt like I was dressing up for the first year or so. My personal style was much more quirky. Truthfully I haven’t brought much of that into the workplace, bright colored or patterned accessories is about it. After awhile the more formal, boring if you will look, started to feel just like “going to work me”.

   5. Do your professional clothes really fit you and look flattering? If not, I suggest some tailoring may help.

   6. I bought this dress in two colors on amazon – when I needed to return them because they were at least two sizes too small, it was a mess. They ship out of China. So the seller volunteered to refund me 30% of the cost and suggested I keep them and use as gifts for friends or resale. I took them to resale because it was clear that the vendor did not want to go through the return (internationally) and neither did I.

      The quality is poor in person; I guess not so on the television screen. And those zippers on the hips do nothing for anyone who is an hourglass shape (I’m an extreme one) or a pear.

      Think twice. The adage that if it seems to good to be true …”

      I fell for it because of all the press on these being worn on television.

   7. I like that feeling, sometimes! I say to myself, “OK, I just went from Pajama Idea to Consultant Idea!”
      Like going from Pajama Barbie to Consultant Barbie to Astronaut Barbie – you can do anything with the right accessories!

      Seriously, I say this to myself in my head on at least a weekly basis.

3. Immediate TJ: Has anyone struggled with being able to verbally express love (not “I love you,” but frequent/daily “you bring joy to my life because . . . /I can’t love you more because . . ./I’m so happy you are in my life because, etc.)? Or feeling it differently than your partner (fairy tale type love vs. more reserved but still present love)? I struggle with experiencing love in the same way that others do and it’s a problem in my relationship in the sense that I am not meeting my partners needs. I love my partner, but he says he does not feel from me in the way that he needs and wants to. I am trying to be more conscious of expressing it verbally or in writing, but it’s not natural for me and never has been honestly. I am in therapy and am working on vulnerability and breaking through this barrier, but would appreciate any stories or tips in this regard.

   1. Have you taken the Love Languages quiz with your partner? There are a lot of ways to express love other than verbally. He may think he need to hear love, but he may find out that what he really prefers is an act of love or physical affection.

      1. Thank you. We have. His top two at 9 each were words of affirmation and acts of service. We are LD for now, so acts of service are a little harder.

         1. Feeling connected to your partner is ALWAYS hard in LDRs. Even for people who are really good at verbal affection. It’s great that you’re working on this issue and I hope your partner appreciates that effort.

            I’m a words of affirmation person and I’ve had a couple of LDRs. Here are some things that worked best for us: make time to talk over Skype every day if possible; be more responsive to texts; initiate more contact (i.e., get in the habit of saying “good morning, love” or “how’s your day going” or “I miss you” every day, put it in your calendar if you need to); send random stuff that reminds you of your partner – a news article, a funny anecdote, a picture of a building with cool architecture, it really doesn’t matter what it is, it just shows you’re thinking of your partner and want to involve him in your life.

         2. Words of affirmation are relatively easy. Thank yous (even for things you wouldn’t think of: Thank you for taking out the trash, thank you for doing the dishes, Thank you for being such a great sig other, Thank you for helping me do this or listening to me on that) and appreciation (I love how that looks on you, you smell nice, it’s sexy when you do… etc.)
            This is the primary romance that my relationship with my husband is built on! We’re not big into gifts, etc. We’d rather snuggle up at home most days than go out for a fancy dinner. But every day we communicate our love and appreciation for each other. We have other friends that are more the fairy tale flashy romances. But they also tend to have a lot of flare ups.

         3. My SO is a big words of affirmation guy. I’m not, but I’m fairly verbal and communicative and love saying “Thank you” to people so it usually works out for us. I also take cues from what he does (look at HOW he “speaks” his love language) and try to respond in kind in a way that works for me. My SO makes up silly little songs and nonsense tunes about how much he loves me and that I’m so wonderful and such. So I try to reciprocate and especially if he’s a little down about something I’ll make up a silly song about how much I love him. He also really appreciates little notes and cards. Even if I just say “I’m so thankful you’re in my life” he always holds onto those and hangs them up in places we can both see them (we live together). Especially if you’re LD, he might like getting little postcards in the mail – even if you just say “thinking of you!”

   2. I suggest reading the Five Love Languages book. It may help you and your partner understand how to explain to each other what makes you feel loved. For example, some people respond to physical affection. Others feel loved by giving/receiving gifts.

      1. Thank you. I have read it, but I am going to reread and also look for specific articles about loving a partner who experiences love through words of affirmation.

         Words of affirmation rank very low for me, which explains why he feels his extensive words of affirmation do not get through to me (e.g., when we have a disagreement, I do not give a whole lot of weight to the expressions of love he has given me via words of affirmation).

         1. Words of affirmation is my lowest ranking love language, but my SO’s highest, so I’ve been working through the same thing for the last 10 years. I still can’t handle starting a conversation with “I love you because X” because it feels contrived to me, but it’s way easier for me to voice my love response to things already happening around me that to list things I love in the abstract. I focus on thanking him in the moment for big and little things he does for me (this is part of my efforts towards general gratefulness as well). I also try and add “I love that about you” when I get a feeling of love for him as we’re are talking about other things (eg. SO: “My co-worker seemed so surprised that I offered to drive him to the airport, but I’d do that for anyone.” Me: “You really would. I really love that about you.”)

         2. I’m a words of affirmation person and these can be more than about your love for your partner. I like things like”I’m proud of you!”, “It sounds like Person Y really appreciated Action Z”, or that type of thing.

         3. Thank you, these are all very helpful tips.

            1. +1 to Davis. My SO has told me he wants me to say more supportive things. And from how he is with me it’s sometimes as simple as: Me: I was thinking of trying that new yoga class this weekend SO: That sounds great! What a good idea!. Whereas I’m much more likely to say things that he perceives as negative, but I feel are logistical concerns (SO: I was thinking of trying that new kettlebell class this weekend Me: Really? you know we have that brunch thing with your cousin? Will you be done in time? Won’t you be tired after the XYZ thing we already have planned?).

   3. Maybe it would help to think about why you love your partner. For example, I love that my boyfriend is truly an equal partner in terms of chores. I really appreciate it when he unloads the dishwasher at my place for instance so I make a point to say that I love the fact that he does X.

      This maybe sounds meaningless but I’ve heard that the strongest relationships are the ones where partners express appreciation for each other so I try to verbalize why I love my partner and appreciate the little things he does for me.

      1. It’s sometimes hard for me to do this because I tend to focus on the negative things, like his concerns in this regard and it clouds the good things. Very good tip though and I will definitely try to separate his concerns from his expressions of love and focus on the latter.

         1. So, is the problem that you actually just don’t love him all that much? Cause that’s fine. You don’t have to make this work.

            1. I guess I struggle with what love is? I want to make him happy, I want to be a part of his life, I want to come home to him at night, I want to tell him everything before I tell anyone else, I think he is sexy and smart, we talk about serious and meaningful issues, I like that he is open with his emotions and feelings, and I think he makes my life better. Do I have to feel gushy for it to be love? I don’t think so, but maybe I am wrong.

            2. I think if you’ve told him that and he is still concerned you don’t love him that is a him problem.

               I’m reminded of the line from Fiddler on the Roof, paraphrased:
               Do you love me? Do I what?!? Do you love me? What are you talking about?!?! . . . 25 years I clean his clothes, 25 years my bed is his if that’s not love what is? Then you love me! I suppose I do.

            3. “I guess I struggle with what love is? I want to make him happy, I want to be a part of his life, I want to come home to him at night, I want to tell him everything before I tell anyone else, I think he is sexy and smart, we talk about serious and meaningful issues, I like that he is open with his emotions and feelings, and I think he makes my life better. Do I have to feel gushy for it to be love? I don’t think so, but maybe I am wrong.”

               You don’t have to feel super gushy- but have you told him these things? Relationships don’t have to be hearts and flowers all the time!

            4. You know, I really like that list. If I were to make a list about a partner, that is what I would like it to sound like. I am also not the gushy/mushy type – about anything. I don’t have a movie/song/book I absolutely *LOVE* and will go rapturous over.

               If it was feeling mushy, I might write a Dr. Suess type poem (I’m thinking Green Eggs and ham here) rather than a flowerly sonnet or quoting Byron.

               But then I’m from Minnesota – we’re not raised to be gushy and overly emotive.

            5. Anon at 10:06, heatherskib, and mpls – I have told him those things. Perhaps not often enough, but I have told him I appreciate him and why before for sure. He says he knows I love him and that he believes me, but he is really upset and not feeling like his needs are met because I do not feel love the same way and that I don’t express it the same way.

               Perhaps I need to date a Minnesotan. :)

         2. Maybe the problem is more that you have trouble seeing your partner’s positive attributes rather than an inability to express love. Negative thoughts about your partner can easily erode your relationship, so perhaps some exercises to help promote positive thinking about your partner will help (something like a gratitude journal about your partner?).

            1. This is an excellent point. I have been meaning to write down at least one thing each day that I love about him or that makes me feel loved, but then we keep fighting about this and it makes it hard for me. I will better dedicate myself to carving out the time to do this every day and make myself do it whether I am feeling it or not, as I have read that just doing it can change how you feel.

            2. My comment got eaten I think. This is a great point and I have been meaning to do this, but each time we fight about it doing it gets harder. I will make this commitment whether I am in the mood or not, as I believe it will help change how you are thinking about it, no?

            3. If you have problems with speaking it, maybe a get a nice journal to keep in a shared space for you two to write nice things and love notes to each other in? Then if someone needs a reminder of good things, or that they are loved, they can go back to the journal and get a reminder.

   4. I don’t really express love verbally that much. I mean, I will say I love you maybe once a day but nothing more eloquent than that. That’s just my way and how I communicate. I figure, I’m responsible for expressing how I feel in a way that is honest and natural for me. it would feel enough for me to be it would feel inauthentic for me to be gushier.

      Is the problem that you feel more than you are able to express? Or is it that you were style of communication doesn’t seem to match what your partner needs to hear?

      1. I think it is the latter. He had a prior relationship that was quite bad, in which his partner never expressed love/words of affirmation to him and did not fulfill his needs in that regard. He is afraid history is repeating itself.

         1. Girl. It is not your job to fix his baggage. And I think instead of trying to change yourself you should be telling him that. “I love you. This is me though. I don’t do mushy. “

            1. I did say that at the beginning of the relationship. I do think I can at least try to speak his love language better though. If I can’t and it doesn’t work, so be it, but I want to give it a shot, you know?

   5. “You bring joy to my life because . . .”

      Vomit.

      This isn’t a pathology of yours you need to fix. You two having different needs doesn’t mean you have issues.

      I get that people have different needs, but I think sometimes people use their needs as a sword. He’s feeling disconnected so he blames you for not using special enough words, and makes you feel like you have issues. Ummm nope. You’re just not a 13 year old girl. I think you need to explore why you are both in a relationship that is long distance where you’re having trouble communicating.

      1. Thank you for this perspective as well. I will absolutely think about your point.

         1. I would just add that communication and empty love tank issues are different. It’s easier to get them confused b/c your SO’s primary love language happens to be WOA. So make sure you’re distinguishing between the two (general communication problems vs. empty love tank).

   6. I sympathize. My husband and I are similar. He’s very good with words and that’s how he expresses himself while I struggle to do so through words. Instead I show my love by little acts like rubbing his shoulder when I walk past him or kissing the top of his head when he’s working at the computer and I walk in the room. I also do things like make his favorite treats on a pretty regular basis because it makes me happy to make him happy in that way. That kind of thing doesn’t translate to long distance though.

      What’s worked for us is actually talking about the differences and working to understand what the other person means. He’s learned that I mean “I love you” when I touch his shoulder. I’ve learned to embrace what he says to me even though I have trouble expressing myself verbally in the moment. Sometimes just being aware of the difference can be enough. Neither person’s method of expressing themselves is inherently better or worse.

      1. Thank you!!

      2. I’m your husband in this scenario, and 90% of the time, it does work to translate my BF’s unrestricted willingness to rub my shoulders into flowery language in my head. Sometimes, I do crave actual words, though, and we’re struggling with that a little bit. Mostly it’s when I’m insecure or upset that I feel the inadequacy.

         I know he’ll never write me a love poem, but it would be nice to actually hear that he loves that I’m silly or he thinks it’s amazing that I can make creme brulee or whatever it is that he likes about me. I think that’s the problem – I know he loves me, but I’m not actually sure why.

   7. I am right there with you! I have this challenge AND also a SO whose Love Language is words of affirmation!

      My advice:
      – read the book “Remember the Sweet Things” – it helped inspire me to keep a tiny notepad where I could jot down small things that I love about my SO. Doesn’t have to be a constant thing but every few days I would think back on the past couple days and try to write a few things down.

      – figure out if there is a way you are more comfortable expressing yourself. I felt like I would just get tongue-tied when I tried to say “affirming” things, so I started writing little notes for him. I also keep an eye out for sweet cards at Papyrus. The list of “sweet things” helped with the note writing. Sometimes I give him the notes and sometimes I write him a note and then read it to him, which he really likes.

      – I will agree with the poster above who took issue with “you bring joy to my life because…”. Part of my challenge was that I was putting pressure on myself to have some sort of grand declaration / flowery language to express my love. You can say small, sweet things like “Hey, I think you are super great! Our phone call yesterday morning brightened my whole day!” if that’s more your style. You may have to figure out the line between “making an effort to speak his love language” and “forcing myself to be someone I’m not”.

      1. I love “Remember the Sweet Things” by Ellen Greene and recommend it to people so much they must think I’m demented. During some really hard years with my SO, I kept a sweet things list in my phone and reading them back on our anniversary is a really nice reminder of how hard we’ve worked and how far we’ve come.

         1. I did not like the book but I still like the idea.

         2. If you liked “Remember the Sweet Things”, you might also track down a copy of “Remember How I Love You”. It’s a very sweet memoir written by Elaine Orbach and features a lot of the short, sweet poems that Jerry Orbach (her husband) used to write her every morning. It’s a short, easy read and very touching.

            1. I would weep forever if I read this (and now I must have it). I love, love, love Jerry Orbach. Since The Fantastics.

   8. This is me! I can’t put my feelings into words. Not sure why. I can say “I Love You” 400x a day but am never more specific and I feel stupid doing it.

      I actually had a boyfriend I was over the moon in love with break up with me for this when I was younger.

      1. Oh no! I am sorry to hear that. I know how you feel. :/

   9. I don’t know if you’ll see this because it’s so late, but I’m a words of affirmation person in a relationship with someone who isn’t.

      For me, I don’t need (and agree that it would be weirdly contrived) to hear things like “I love you because _____.” Instead:

      – tell me you miss me (we’re LD as well)
      – tell me you’re proud of how I handled X work situation
      – tell me the advice I gave you last week really helped you
      – thank me for X

      I want to know that I’m adding value to your life beyond keeping you from loneliness.

      Also be cautious of your words that could come across as criticism. We had a disagreement last weekend over something silly, and I was devastated for days. I was so hurt because I rarely get “good” words from him, making “not good” words carry all the more weight.

   10. read the books by Regina Thomashaur (aka Mama Gena) and Nicole Daedone. In a nutshell: the man wants to know that he makes YOU happy. So you need to get in touch with what you want and figure out how he can meet your needs/help you get what you want. If you are struggling to meet his needs, by expressing love his way or whatever, that’s not really what he wants, even if he thinks it is. hard to summarize effectively–just get the books.

4. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this wonderful Pencil Dress! Dad say’s my tuchus is lookeing better now that I am doing my 10,000 steps. Yesterday, I went into Fairway’s and carried home 2 bag’s of Groceries so that I will have enough food to last out the Blizzard! FOOEY b/c I cannot do 10,000 steps in my apartement, tho I do have the treadmill, but that is SO boring now that Dad moved my TV out of the room for tax purposes. I do NOT understand how I can keep a treadmill and elyptical machine in there and get a tax deduction, but NOT have a TV also. I think the tax rules are SO dumm. DOUBEL FOOEY. I am buying a 24inch TV that I will put in there b/c there is a cabel outlet already so all I need is a cabel box. Dad pay’s the cabel bill, and will probabley notice the extra charge, but I say FOOEY to the IRS on this. I need to be svelte or I will need to buy all new clotheing. TRIPEL FOOEY on that!

   Happy sledding to the HIVE! Do not slip on the ice unless your tuchus is as big as mine! YAY!!!!

   1. ^ This just made my day. Next time one of my clients gets an IRS notice, I’ll be sure to respond to it with “trippel fooey!”

      1. I should have used this yesterday on a Colorado notice I received for a client!

      2. I’ve been skipping Ellen comments recently, though in the past I’ve been a fan. Your comment, though, prompted me to go back and read this one, and “Dad moved my TV out of the room for tax purposes,” is making me LOL at my desk. Thank you!

   2. All this snow shoveling in my future? TRIPEL FOOEY. Right on, Ellen.

5. To whoever recommended this: THANK YOU. It seriously is the best thing ever. Honestly, when I’m having a bad day at work, sometimes I just think “at least I have an awesome water bottle!” and things look better. Sometimes it’s the small things. :)

   1. I started using mine for coffee (it’s amazing) and might buy a second for water now…

   2. Hooray! (My name keeps landing me in moderation, I think). I love my hydroflasks. They may or may not also be awesome at keeping adult beverages cold in movie theaters, if you are so inclined…

      1. Ha ha! That’s a great endorsement for a hydroflask!

   3. I love my hydroflask! I even coughed up the money and bought one for my 7 year old last summer. He was the only kid with a cold drink at camp on the super hot days.

6. Ideas for a long weekend (from upper Midwest) to recharge? I’m looking at April, and looking for a place to do some easy hiking walking, but also a nice setting if I just want to read books all day. Oh, and warmer than upper Midwest. The only idea I’ve had so far is Sedona – I would love to go to the beach but think it may be cost-prohibitive.

   1. Savannah!

   2. What about renting a cabin in Arkansas? There are a ton of really really cool state parks and also super cute little towns. I would recommend anywhere in the ozarks which is rolling mountains, but its absolutely beautiful. I rented a cabin with a screened porch near Petit Jean and it was the most relaxing thing ever.

   3. San Diego or Napa would be my first choices.

   4. Gulf Shores Alabama?

   5. Santa Fe! Gorgeous, great food, and hiking (unless higher trails would still be under snow in April).

7. What are your thoughts on Wolford tights?

   I’ve had 3 pairs of Hue black tights develop runs after 3-4 wears in the last month, and it seems like there must be a better option. Even at $7 a pop from Nordstrom Rack, that adds up fast, and I’d rather not have to go there and buy a bagful to make it through the rest of the winter, not to mention the environmental cost. I started reading reviews, and Wolford Velvet De Luxe 66 seemed to be the recommendation for long lasting (and attractive) tights.

   Are they really worth $49? How does their sizing run, especially for those on the short (5’4) and heavy (size 16-18) side? Would they really last 40 wears or more?

   1. In my experience, Spanx tights wear like iron and you can often pick them up at Rack or DSW. I don’t know about Wolford.

      1. +1. They are about $20ish where I get them (sheer nylons as well as tights) I’ve had several pairs last 5 + years.

      2. I’ve been a Spanx tights evangelist for years but I find the quality to be lower this year for some reason.

         1. They changed them, sadly. My Tight End Tights from years past are still going strong in ways that this’ years’ crop are not. :(

         2. Shoot! I haven’t bought any this year (haven’t needed any new ones).

         3. I was going to ask if anyone else had noticed this. I got one pair at the beginning of the fall and they are great. At the same time, I bought some Assets from Target, which are unwearable because they are permanently creased or unevenly woven and you can see the uneven coloration when I wear them — streaks of dark and light. So I just spent a bunch of money on 3 pairs of Spanx tights and find they have the exact same problem. I’m thinking I will return this last batch, but I had to take them out of the packaging to confirm the problem.

            1. Good to know. Thanks! If I see them on sale at the Rack, I may give them a try.

               (P.S. So sorry about the slow reply – work overtook me.)

   2. Wolford is too rich for my blood. I am clumsy and have velcro accidents and the inside of one pair of boots blemishes some fleece-lined tights. I’ve had good luck (daily wear 5 months / year often for >1 year) with Assets from Target and not-bad luck with regular Merona tights from Target.

      I machine wash in a mesh bag and air dry.

      1. I love Merona tights. I only bought one or two pairs the first time and they’ve lasted 2 or 3 seasons. I go back and forth between hand washing them when I’m not doing a load anytime soon or throwing them in with my dedicates in a mesh bag and then air drying them. They still look great and I’m not too worried if I get a fluke pair that don’t make it through to a 2nd season.

         1. Same. Mine have been champions for 2 seasons now, and at 10-12 bucks each, quite a bargain.
            I am abusive to my clothing.

            1. Oh, maybe I’ll use this an an excuse for a Target run. Thanks for the advice!

               (P.S. So sorry about the slow reply – work overtook me.)

   3. I love their wool tights, but have nothing but bad luck with their nylons. They feel AMAZING, but I literally had 2 pairs that both had runs within 2 hours of me putting them on. Probably mostly my fault though since other people seem to have better experiences.

      1. I’ve never bought them, but they pop up at Winners/TJ Maxx sometimes.

   4. Time will tell. I just bought my first two pairs a couple weeks ago when Bloomingdale’s had them 25% off. I’ve always wanted to try them, but refused to pay that much for them. It’s just too.,… much….

      I’ve only worn them a few times each. When I am wearing them…. honestly, I can’t tell the difference between them and my Hue tights. It actually surprised me there isn’t a bit more elastic in the top of the tights. I am quite pear shaped, and kind of need some control in my “top” of the tights. Not necessarily to prevent jiggling, but simply to keep them in place. I particularly need this or my tights seem to stretch out with time and start falling down. So I’m a little disappointed that the Wolfords don’t have a touch more elastic. And perhaps I made the mistake by sizing up slightly (I am right at the overlap of two sizes). Time will tell.

      Do you think you need to be a little more careful with your tights in general? Wash only in delicate cycle in a delicates bag? Careful to keep your toenails short etc… ? Be very careful when you put them on, no long pulling etc… Sorry to bring this up, but I am not careful and now that I have Wolfords I am trying to be more careful.

      1. Amen sister to spelling out the shape issues. I so hear you! FWIW, I have not had the same issues with Assets @ Target. I’ve never even sprung for the full-on Spanx, since assets do just fine and Target is close to home/work.

      2. I’m not particularly careful with my hosiery – but I do put on my Wolfords with thin fleece gloves (think I read about that on this s*te a few years back) b/c my nails tend to snag on things and they’re just too damn pricey to chance it. I LOVE how the Wolfords feel though – they’re SO much silkier and less frictiony than other hose and I just feel like a glamorous lady in them :)

         1. Thanks for the advice and good luck with your new pairs!

            As for the care, probably. I think two of the runs started when putting them on. The gloves is an interesting idea. I do wash my tights in a mesh back and hang dry, at least.

   5. I bought the Velvet de Luxe 50 version this past winter. They’re much silkier than Hue, and they’re more consistent in color, so you don’t have the sheer knee/darker ankle variation. I do think they run small/short. I was in the middle if the size range for size Small, but much preferred sizing up to Medium. Completely agree with the previous poster who mentioned that there’s not a lot of elastic at the top, but then again, I haven’t had any issues with them stretching out or falling down. They’re very comfortable.

      I wash them in a lingerie bag with my regular laundry, and hang them to dry.

      My second favorite brand is DKNY, if that helps. I also have several pairs of Spanx tight but haven’t been super happy with them. They snag and pill too much IME.

      Have you checked out the reviews at The Sweet Home? They’re very helpful.

      1. Sweethome is what made me consider shelling out what seems like an obscene amount for tights ;) Thanks for your thoughts!

   6. If you want black, the opaque from J Crew are fantastic. I’ve had many pairs for 4+ years.

      1. Thanks! Yup, just black. I’ll look into the J. Crew tights.

   7. Related but off topic, my engagement ring snags my tights and its annoying.

   8. My Wolford tights (not wool) feel thicker/ higher quality, and are more opaque than cheaper tights I own. I was disappointed, however, that they pilled severely where my shoes rubbed them, so that I now have to make sure those pilled spots are always inside the shoe, which my cheaper tights do NOT do.

      1. Good to know, thanks!

   9. Can anyone comments on Wolford tights for tall, lanky women? Tights are really hard for us. I am looking at the size chart on Nordstrom, they are recommending a medium for my height and weight. I have two issues with tights: bagging on my stick-like lower legs (esp. around the ankle) and the crotch not quite meeting my crotch. I prefer the bagging issue to the crotch issue if I have to pick one to have…

8. Okay ladies- give me the best career advice you’ve ever gotten!

   1. When you grow and develop your talents, the company grows stronger as well.

   2. Lean In: Think of your career as a jungle gym and not as a ladder.

      1. What does this mean in terms of decisions I should make?

         1. When you are making decisions about changing jobs or taking on new challenges, remember that moving laterally or even down can still open up new routes to career achievement.

         2. Carnivores and roaches prevail?

            1. Hahahah, thanks for my morning laugh :)

   3. This one is from my mom – always try to give yourself options (I suppose in business-speak, exit strategies). It sounds like you are looking for your first post-college job? Let’s say your goal is to work for a few years before applying to law school. I’d be looking for an opportunity that both (a) would reflect well on a law school application (doesn’t have to be in the legal industry!), AND (b) provide opportunities for advancement even if you later decide to bail on the law school idea — therefore mitigating the risk that you would feel trapped by your “right now” plan in the future/feel like you had wasted several years and having to start over.

   4. Learn to fight without spilling blood.

      1. Amen. This. Just this.

   5. “Be a sponge”

   6. Save as much money as fast as you can so you can retire at 30, which is the approximate age you’ll realize you want to do something completely different with your life. – Me (and that money mustache guy)

   7. “The further you go here, the more you’ll see how f***ed up it is at the top”.

   8. This is more specific than most – but, in self-reviews, identify “areas of improvement by gaps in knowledge/experience that you are eager to address, rather than deficiencies in personality/work style. I.e. – “I would love to gain experience in Y area” or “I think X is so interesting and would love to learn more about it” or “I’ve noticed that M has a great ability to do X, I would love to work with her and learn” – in other words, all super positive and all couched in terms of your eagerness to expand, and NEVER actual negative things about yourself that an employer can latch onto and use against you. YMMV, but with an employer who had a tendency to set employees up for a fall, I found this EXTREMELY useful – and even now that I work somewhere not like that, I continue the approach and find it useful. There’s no need to plant a seed in an employer’s mind about a “problem” you have.

      1. Yes: candor is not your friend; candor is for your friends

9. What does everyone think of the comments by many people that Oscar nominations don’t reflect enough diversity?

   Disclaimer: I’m a woman of Colour (not African American) and not from the US

   I think that the nominations for this year reflect the strength of the performances. Can’t speak to 2015 when I thought David Oyelowo should have been nominated but this year, I think they pretty much nailed it.
   That said, there is (or seems to be) much racism in US society in general but I don’t think the Oscars are guilty of that. I realise my view may be politically incorrect and welcome your thoughts.

   1. I was wondering when this was going to come up on here.

      Disclaimer – I am a white female from Canada.

      I haven’t seen the films, so I really can’t comment on the strength of the performances for the ones who were nominated vs. the ones who weren’t – but demanding nominations for what MAY be inferior performances doesn’t seem to be the right thing. To me, the issue is opportunity – if there were a proportionate number of stories to tell that feature people of colour there would be more people to deliver outstanding performances and secure a nomination. But stomping your feet about not being nominated just misses the point.

      1. +1. The nominations are all white (and will continue to be white-dominated) because they reflect the industry. If there were changes made to the stories being told, the directors being chosen to tell those stories, we might see more diverse nominations.

   2. I think you are right that the Oscar nominating process alone can’t fix the entire hollywood system of not having enough high quality parts played by African-American actors – which is a problem of screenwriters, casting agents, production companies, etc. But, I find it unlikely that there are just no good black actors and that’s why we always have white nominees, so I’m glad the oscars are looking to fix it. I didn’t see it but a lot of people say that Michael B Jordan should’ve gotten a nom for his part in Creed.

   3. Something else to consider here is that people of color are less likely to be considered for roles that may end up being Oscar-worthy- like high profile films and things like that. “Access” if you want to call it that for women and minorities is still limited, and there are a lot of actors in Hollywood who talk about this.

      1. I think about this a lot. I live in the SE US, so when I go through my Eudora Welty phase and write the novel and the rights get picked up, it will have some black/white diversity, but not other sorts of diversity. When I go to NYC, I see different diversity and on the West Coast / Southwest, still more diversities.

         Does the overseas audience factor in much? Not at all? The most diverse movies I see are action / military ones (Lone Survivor, Fast & Furious), but they aren’t Oscar-worthy roles for the actors.

         1. I’m a woman of color in the US, not African-American, and it does really make me feel like I don’t belong that the “default” setting for everything is white with some “diversity points” awarded for including black people here and there. I guess that helps a little bit, since I’m half black, but I tend to identify more with the other half (that’s not white) and I find the way we think of diversity to be too much “what bucket do you fit in?!” Anyway. All this to say that it would be great to represent people from a range of different backgrounds.

            1. I’m also half and half of two races, and I also hate the “what bucket do you fit in”.

               Neither of my parents get it, and none of my friends do, but my sister does- I think it’s a unique perspective on being a minority.

            2. My French heritage is mixed (thanks, colonialism) and I never know what to say re the bucket. So I say “I’m from New Jersey” and get some trash talk about Jersey Shore and I counter with threatening to flip a table on people. Olive skin, yo. I could be fron anywhere (b/c my genes are apparently from everywhere).

   4. You’re missing the point. No one is saying the awards shouldn’t be merit based. People are upset that minorities and (and women, generally, to be honest) don’t get more meaty roles that are Oscar-worthy.

      1. Agreed. Also, I found yesterday’s New York Post cover hilarious.

         1. haha love it

      2. Also – I don’t believe that all the merit in film lies with people with white skin….the ‘merit’ argument is hard to sustain, it’s actually a reflection of what we valued

   5. I’m white and I think it’s unfortunately all too common that people of color get nominated in when portraying traditional movie roles (butler, maid, slave) but not otherwise.

      I wish the Oscar boycott wasn’t a thing though. A better approach would be for everyone to go and talk nonstop about the issue when on the red carpet or when presenting. It’s a huge tv audience and a greater opportunity to be very public with the issue.

      1. I think there aren’t a lot of non-butler/maid/slave roles that black actors get cast in. And it seems like the Oscar boycott is getting a lot of people talking!

   6. I wonder if the Academy members who have voting rights are a bunch of old white men, and whether it’s more about that fact than inferior performances. That’s my guess. Sort of like why there are not that many managing partners who are women, gee maybe it’s because mostly men get to vote for managing partner.

      1. No need to guess. That is absolutely true.

      2. You can google the demographics, and that’s right on the money as to the breakdown.

         1. More of a rhetorical question than real one, but thanks for the confirmation!

   7. Eh, the Oscars aren’t the ultimate arbiter of the “best” performances and movies. There are so many terrible movies and sub-par performances that get nominated for Oscars. They are just another cog in the Hollywood marketing machine. The concept that the Academy is a neutral body that just selects based on quality is just inaccurate. I also feel like the Oscars are becoming more and more irrelevant, especially given the rise of television as the superior medium for storytelling.

      Anyway, my point is that I disagree with your main premise. I don’t think the 2016 nominees reflect the “strength of the performances.” I think they reflect the movies that are typical Oscar bait and come from studios that do a good job marketing for awards. Also, I 100% agree with the concept that increasing diversity needs to be built from the ground up. Story selection, director selection, casting, etc. All of it. And the Oscars are the perfect lens through which to see the lack of diversity in action.

10. Does anyone have experience with weight gain after coming off an elimination diet (gluten, plus some other specific foods)? (note when I say diet I mean the things I eat, not diet as in a weight loss diet). My Dr had me on an elimination diet for half a year to try and help find a diagnosis (we did tests before, during, and after). Once I got a clean bill of health and an all clear to come back to regular eating, I put on 10-15 pounds in about 3 months. I told my Dr and she said that was good news because it means my body is absorbing all the nutrients from the previously eliminated foods. But…. now I am heavier than I have ever been in my life (am now ‘overweight’, was always ‘normal’ before). I feel like I eat really healthily, exactly the same way I was eating before the elimination diet (lots of veggies, lean proteins, no beverages other than water, and grains). I am wondering if this sudden weight gain is typical after coming off a diet like that, and will the weight just stay forever or gradually shed off as my body adjusts to my regular diet again?

    1. I think this is to be expected. You eliminated a giant category of foods that are typically associated with weight gain. Now you are eating them. Unless you tracked every single bite during and after the elimination diet, you’re probably consuming many more calories than before.

       If you want to lose the weight, eat less. It may fall off over time, but that would be because you’ve gradually adjusted and aren’t eating as much.

       1. Also, your metabolism may have slowed in the past 1.5 years, and you didn’t notice because you were doing the elimination diet.

       2. And if you are eating more carbs now, some of that weight is water weight because the body needs more water to process carbs.

11. I posted a little while ago about going alcohol-free for the month of January. I’ve been filling my weekends with workout classes to keep me motivated, but I won’t be able to get to any of them this weekend because of the snow. My normal blizzard routine involves copious amounts of drinking – either at a bar within walking distance or on the couch with Netflix/a good book (if the power’s out). My fiancé will be drinking all day. I know I’m REALLY going to want to drink too. Any suggestions on staying sober during a snowstorm? I stocked up on tasty tea and dark chocolate so at least I have something yummy to sip/nibble. If I give in, though, how hard on myself should I be?

    1. why will your fiancé be drinking all day? that’s not really normal “blizzard” behavior just because you’re cooped up. why don’t you plan some non-drinking activities together (board games, movies, DIY projects around the house, snow shoeing, etc)

       1. That is totally normal blizzard behavior.

       2. Agreed.

       3. + to all day drinking not really standard blizzard behaviour. And I’m from a part of Canada where we get a lot of blizzards.

          Decluttering, getting caught up on laundry, baking, cooking (including and cooking and freezing meals to use on days when you get busy), movies, books – all can be done without alcohol.

          1. I think drinking all day is normal blizzard behavior in places where you very very rarely get blizzards. In Canada if you drank all day when you got frequent blizzards, when would you do your laundry? But in DC where it only snows this much every 5 years, it’s like a snow day for adults, and we break out the wine.

             1. +1 Everyone on Long Island is hitting the liquor store on the way home from the supermarket to buy bread, eggs and milk (what are they making? French toast?)

             2. Anonymous, haven’t you ever heard of snow day french toast? we got this every snow day growing up (in a state where we got a snow day maybe once a year).

             3. I know plenty of snow-day day drinking adults! Where blizzards are somewhat rare, it’s definitely something people do. I plan to clean, then have wine, and try my hand at painting (a snow scene, duh), and then have an evening FT bathtub date with my SO (with wine).

       4. Beware the baby boom that comes 9 months after most blizzards.

          Signed,
          Mother of October Baby

          1. This made me LOL at my desk =) GREAT tip!

             And I’m with the poster about “blizzard drinking” or as I call it “an adult snow day”! If I wasn’t going to partake in the festivities, I’d likely drink coffee half the day then seltzer. Board games, movies, reading, basically anything that I don’t have time for during a regular day.

       5. Agreed, day drinking just because there’s a blizzard isn’t really “normal” and certainly isn’t required. Is your fiance the type to day drink whenever there’s a day off, holiday, nice weather, first day of spring, by the pool on a saturday? This sort of day drinking for the sake of it lifestyle was really common when I was in law school and still persists for some of my friends in their late 20s/ early 30s, but is gradually becoming less and less sustainable. There was a time when I might use a snow day as an excuse to do some day drinking (but never by myself, only with a big group of friends), but now I prefer not having a 2 day hangover and enjoying stuff sober.

          1. Yup. To me this is something I did in my early 20s and the I grew up. Not that I don’t drink during the day but I’m just not interested in a lifestyle that involves all day drinking just because it snows. I got other stuff to do and it’s not healthy.

          2. Yes, the kind of drinking you describe is common in our friend group. I’ve just found that it’s not sustainable for my weight/health. I’ve gradually put on about 40 lbs since 1L (I’m a mid-level associate now). I eat healthy and control my portions, but the weekends are my downfall. We go out to eat, I order something healthy for dinner, but then 2 glasses of wine in, I’m snacking on the bread and chips on the table, not putting aside 1/2 my meal like I’d planned, ordering dessert, getting late night snacks, drinking more throughout the night, then day drinking at Sunday brunch… it’s a caloric disaster. I exercise enough to maintain my weight but not to lose weight with this lifestyle. So I figured I’d take a break from drinking to try to show myself real results to stay motivated to eat and drink less.

             1. What about changing the lifestyle? I can’t brunch every weekend any more.

             2. As I’ve gotten older I’ve switched to ordering a non-alcoholic drink at the beginning of the meal (sparkling water/diet coke), ordering an appetizer to start and an appetizer for my main. That way there’s no having to put aside 1/2 because the appetizer portion is smaller. I don’t even look at the entree items on the menu. I generally have a glass of wine with my main (appetizer) and then a glass when others order dessert. Helps my wallet and my waistline but I don’t feel like I’ve missed out.

             3. I would love to have this lifestyle.

       6. Absolutely normal blizzard behavior.

    2. I’m doing the Whole Life Challenge and it’s been going really well and I’ve been losing weight. But for the Blizzard weekend? F it. I’m going to drink wine. (I’m also going to listen to the Chalene show on how to lose weight on the weekend – I suspect she’ll say I should spend my blizzard weekend meal planning for the next week, which I will also do.)

       1. Can’t wait to read this Reflection ;)

          1. +1

    3. Do you live with your fiancé? Can you be somewhere else?

       Are you giving up alcohol because of calories or concern about drinking too much?

       If calories have a glass of wine and enjoy. If drinking too much ask your fiancé not to drink and explore why snow = drunk all day.

       My blizzard routine will involve reading, netflix, making soup and hot chocolate, and having a glass of wine with dinner. Not drinking heavily all day. If you’re this worried about it I suggest you stick with your plan and try.

       1. My concern is mainly calories. I make a lot of sacrifices of time and money to workout 5 days a week and I’m pretty sick of not seeing the scale move. I figured maybe if I cut out alcohol, I would see a difference.

          1. Whoops meant to post this under “OP.” Also, yes, I live with my fiancé and, no, I am not going to vacate my house to accommodate his drinking. But I’m also not going to kick him out. I mean, someone has to shovel the driveway. (I kid, I kid.)

             1. Does he know how important this is to you?

          2. I think you then need to ask yourself why your options are all day drinking or nothing at all. And why your solution is cutting out alcohol instead of managing all of your calories.

             Personally, I love WW for this. I can still have a glass of wine or even two on a snowday, but I can’t do it everyday and I can’t also eat whatever I want.

             1. In Gretchen Rubin’s Habit book she says that some people are abstainers and some people are moderators. Some people do better if they have one square of chocolate. I need to have zero chocolate, or eat the whole bar. For abstainers, its much easier to have no wine than it is to have a single glass, and the WW idea of having one glass is not helpful at all, it’s harder.

             2. I don’t get the Gretchen Rubin view of the world. So what, you’re never going to eat a square of chocolate or a glass of wine again? Or you’re going to resign yourself to starve/binge cycles? I feel like it’s incumbent on all of us to figure out how to deal with moderation (with the understanding that it’s okay to not always be moderate) or we’re consigning ourselves to a life of iron self-control that will inevitably falter and leave us angry at ourselves.

             3. And now I have a new book to read during the upcoming power outage. Thanks!

             4. I get the Habit thing, but how to you define Habit? My snow day Habit is just that: for snow days. My usual Habit (bean burrito for lunch) is for the 5 days a week I am in the office. My brunch Habit is my brunch Habit (when it happens).

                My when in Vegas Habit is . . . none of your business

             5. @Cat – if you don’t get it, it’s because you’re a moderator. For me what it means is that rather than having one glass of wine every day, I’d rather have no wine during the week, and a couple of glasses on the weekend.

             6. I guess my confusion was a definition thing. I would view what you describe as moderation and planning never to drink again as abstention.

             7. To the Cat above (the one who doesn’t get Gretchen Rubin) — I don’t know why I’m so possessive of my name here, but I’ve been using it for the past several years and would appreciate you choosing a different one to avoid confusion!

                FWIW, I am DEF not a moderator. And my plans for the blizzard include a mix of the healthy (using the new exercise equipment we got off Craigslist!) and not-so-healthy (cheesy yummy lasagne goodness tomorrow, with a lovely bottle of red).

             8. To Cat above- I think you just don’t get abstainers.

                I’m an abstainer, and moderation doesn’t work for me. And yes, when I realized I ate too many bagels 5 years ago, and it was a waste of calories for something I could live without, I just decided I don’t eat bagels any more and I haven’t had one since. I don’t want to have a single piece of chocolate. It doesn’t satisfy me and I want to eat ALL THE CHOCOLATE. Instead, we don’t have chocolate in the house, and if I happen to see it, well, its not an option for me to eat so I don’t even really want it or think about it. It’s way easier for me to just take things off the table completely than to impose artificial limits on the amount I can have. (I’m not some kind of terrible houseguest, this really doesn’t cause problems when I’m visiting people because its pretty rare that people will say “the single thing I am serving is bagels” and my rules aren’t crazy restrictive- I just eliminate the few foods that I find I have difficulty controlling myself with. I’m looking at you nutella…)

                It works really well for me, and helps to keep me at a weight and figure that I’m really happy with, even during times of stress. My boyfriend is the same way, so between the two of us we largely have a junk-food-free home and its great not to have temptation around.

    4. My comments are in moderation, but I think drinking during blizzards is totally normal and a special occasion where you can decide to break your no-drinking rule if you want to. You could always add a no drinking week to February to make up for this weekend.

    5. Agreed that drinking all day does not seem like normal blizzard behavior.

    6. This is starting to read like you are either an alcoholic or have an eating disorder, though I doubt either is true. Why should you be hard on yourself? Why should we tell you how hard on yourself to be? It’s ok to have a lazy day once in a while and it’s ok not to. Do what you prefer. Also, shoveling two feet of snow is good exercise. You can come shovel me out if you’re really desperate to be moving around. :)

       1. +100. Either way is normal as far as I am concerned. The only thing that wouldn’t be normal is if taking a cheat day would somehow cause you to backslide into regular drinking. If not, do what you wanna do, it’s a snow day!

    7. I personally don’t drink during the day because if gives me a headache every time. But if I could handle it, the thought of cuddling up on a snowed-in day with a consistent light buzz actually sounds pretty good to me.

    8. FWIW, drinking all day was normal blizzard behavior for me (and my friends) pre-kids.

    9. I am a hardy New Englander, so I may be more blazee than some, but you can absolutely go outside in the snow! Bundle up and have a snow fight, take any pets out, meet friends for sledding etc.

       Alternatively, do yoga, read a book, watch a movie, go shopping for ingredients for an elaborate meal or dessert) that you will spend the afternoon cooking…make bread from scratch, give yourself a mani/pedi, start your taxes…I could keep my self sober and busy for days! Except…I have toddlers so I will be watching Frozen on repeat and begging them to come in so their tiny fingers do not fall off after 60 minutes of rolling in the snow.

       1. Nope nope, not in this storm – not just snow but winds over 30 MPH. Store shelves are bare. Power outages likely. Ugh.

          OP, I feel your pain. I would try to make beverages that you don’t normally drink, even if they have calories (because it will still be less calories than if you binge ate/drank). Kombucha is my new fav beer replacement if you have time to go get some . Hot chocolate with super-rich cocoa too.

          1. This is prime Kondo time then if you’re not drinking. I would not recommend doing a Kondo purge while drinking (OTOH, I probably wouldn’t regret an over-puge of the junk I probably wouldn’t miss in 6 months, joy-sparking or not).

             1. Exactly my plan! I’m not drinking this weekend either, and with potential outages (although DC power lines are under ground), I’m cleaning out all my old clothes and sorting them. Plus extra kitchen stuff, etc. I have two big bins, one for textile recycling and one for Goodwill. Good luck!

                *It also helps if your fiancé drinks stuff you dislike. I hate beer, so while I’m alcohol-free he decided to do that over wine so I’m not tempted.

             2. My snow plan to is to drink and Kondo. YMMV.

12. SpamTest123

13. Hive, if you knew you were going to have some time off between jobs/life obligations, what would you do? Travel, take a class, complete a certificate – anything else I should be considering? What would you do if you had ~ 5 months free?

    1. Hike the Appalachian trail (or similar long distance trail elsewhere).

    2. Middlebury Language School!

    3. I bought an unlimited yoga class at a studio and did yoga every day. It was pretty great. I also worked part time to save up some money for when I was going to be moving/starting my new job. It worked out pretty well for me, personally.

    4. Assuming I had the money for it, lots of travel and horseback riding. Assuming I didn’t, I’d just spend a lot of time reading. And swimming if it’s warm.

    5. I’d start writing the novel I’ve been composing in my mind; start to work on a new skill I’d love to have but don’t usually have time to do (play an instrument; take up water coloring; learn to swim better; learn to pick locks or drive a race car ;-); learn a language); go on a creative or spiritual retreat so that I have time out of every day life to think about the big picture things I never get to consider in busy daily life (you’ve got the 3-year-old and one on the way, right?); visit old friends and shore up friendships I’ve neglected b/c of busy-mess: spend time floating through my favorite museums. Id consciously fill up my own individual self goals, and only then think about cooking lovely meals for my family, etc., because as a working mother with small children, what I find gets shoved out of the way first when things get busy is the mother’s intellectual extracurricular interests and friendships. It’s such a luxury to be able to follow that little flame of curiosity about something.

    6. Assuming no Budget constraint or family to take care of, I’d travel. For me, that would be Antarctica, South America, etc. All are at least 24-36 hrs away from my country. I’d also learn to ski.

       If $ are an issue, I’d learn a new language. Learn a new sport.

    7. Travel – one long trip and then a few shorter jaunts to see friends and family who live in states I never seem to get to. I’d also focus on redecorating certain areas of our house. I always want to refresh our bedding, redo our bookcases, replace some furniture items but it’s not a priority for me and so I never seem to find the time.

    8. Get my dive master certificate in The Phillipeans! Cheapest way I have found to get 2 months unlimited scuba diving!

    9. Live on a sailboat (depending on the season).

14. Does anyone else hate calling customer service? I always feel like the only way to get any sort of resolution is to be a B, otherwise you just get brushed off. And my nature isn’t one that forces that, so I hate always having to be the person who is like “can I just talk to your manager, because you can’t help me with what I want”.

    1. Oh totally. If something isn’t urgent, I far prefer to send an email — I explain the problem and my proposed (reasonable) solution, and have had a great success rate!

    2. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

       I take care of my disabled father. Most of my calls are to insurance companies and medical billing offices. The number of hours I spend on hold waiting to speak to an agent…. and then to speak with a supervisor can easily surpass my vacation time. I’m not kidding.

       The number of mistakes, terrible customer service responses, inefficiencies are just staggering. Some days it makes me want to shoot myself. So much wasted time. So much wasted money.

       I’ve tried every approach….. Firm. Nice. Angry. Persistent. None works better. Sometimes the customer service folks just have no idea. They make things up. They say they will change things, and don’t. They say they will call back and never do. Sometimes you can’t figure out who made the mistake… the insurance company or the billing office. Often, both make mistakes. Their goal is simply completing the call, asking you at the end if you have any more questions….. but not solving the issue.

       I am a physician, and I have difficulty sorting through these customer service nightmares. I know very well what to do. It would be impossible for a disabled, elderly man to do what I do. And it is only getting worse.

       I am definitely treated worse on the phone because I am a woman. I am treated worse by other women customer service agents than male agents. And I often get treated even worse when I tell them I am a physician. Power trips I guess.

       1. This. This. This. I am an attorney. I know how to be and advocate. I also have a chronic illness. I have spent countless hours dealing with the same. In the end I usually get the result I want but I just can’t imagine an elderly person dealing with it and it just makes me so sad. I usually get the wrong answer 5 times before I get the right one and most people would stop after 2. Likewise, some of the stuff I deal with for my clients is infuriating. With car accidents, sometimes bills don’t get paid right away and they get shipped off to collections. The hospital then reports a “zero” balance because they don’t own the debt anymore. So when I’m trying to help a client get her bills paid off after receiving a settlement I can’t even find those bills or I’m getting told there are no more bills. Some clients really want to pay it off even if there isn’t a lien, just for the moral obligation and we literally cannot figure out how to. Then two years later they will get a demand letter from some random law firm on the unpaid bill.

          In another case, a car insurance company, a health insurance company and the client all paid a bill in full. The hospital never said “oops, we were triple paid, here is your money back.” Only when I was reviewing the hospital’s information on an unpaid lien related to another medical bill did I find the triple payment and force them to correct it.

       2. This is a terrible hell. So sorry you have to deal with this regularly.

       3. Goodness, I relate. I am the caregiver for a disabled mother, an otherwise elderly father, two centenarian grandparents, and a severely disabled sister. My mom and grandparents don’t speak English and don’t speak a common enough language where they can press 9 to get someone who speaks that. My sister can’t communicate due to her disability. My dad speaks English well enough to get some things done on his own, and is actually decent at taking care of stuff.

          I am a biglaw associate. When my dad started having some health issues, I had to take FMLA leave and then move to a reduced hours schedule (for what seems permanently). I am surprised how much time is taken up by calling so many places and waiting on hold so much. If it wasn’t for that, I probably could have remained on my 2000 track instead of 1800, even with other caregiver responsibilities.

    3. Everyone hates calling customer service. Everyone.

       I get best results when I am friendly but firm. I explain the problem and my preferred solution, and escalate as needed. Two frequent phrases are “that’s not acceptable,” and “I know that you aren’t responsible for this, but I’m not happy with the solution you’re offering.”

       My husband is a little scared of me when I make those calls, but he recently went through some consumer hell and started applying my methods. It worked for him, so he may be a convert.

       1. As someone who worked at a call center just out of college, “friendly but firm” is perfect. It’s an awful job with high turnover, and they generally have people on the phones with very minimal training who are still expected to be able to perform. I always type notes about the interaction (time, date, rep I spoke with, conclusions reached, any relevant reference numbers) and let the person on the other end know what I’m doing so my pauses while typing aren’t weird.

          Letting the rep know that you realize something isn’t their fault (and is likely due to a crappy policy, unresponsive higher-ups, inadequate training, etc.) can go a long way. You basically just have to persist until you get what you want and document the heck out of it.

          Escalating to a higher-up can help, but I’m always sure to let the manager know that I’m escalating the call due to a bad setup on the company’s part and NOT due to bad service on the part of the rep (unless, of course, that’s true). Steeling yourself for a long call and being respectful of the human being on the other end of the line can go a long way. And yes, it does suck.

    4. I maintain a Twitter account 98% to make “complaints” to companies/utility company. This obviously doesn’t work for every situation (health insurance being a good example) but it’s pretty effective. I usually couch my tweet as a “Hey @company, I usually LOVE Product ABC so I was so sad when my last order arrived smashed/never came/developed a hole the 2nd time I wore it. How can we fix this?” and they’ll usually send me a message with an email contact. It also works remarkably well with flight delays/cancellations.

15. Just need to vent a little to people to understand

    My cousin and I both went to law school and we graduated 4 and a half years ago. We both got jobs on biglaw. My cousin just quit biglaw this week.

    He married his girlfriend after he graduated from law school. She works for the government and according to records people in her position make $45,000 a year. Since they got married they have been living on her salary alone.

    At first 100 of his salary went to paying off all his student loans (his wife went to school part time while working full time so she has none). After that they banked 100 percent of his salary and whatever was left of hers. They have just bought a home outright and they don’t have any debt. He quit biglaw and now does advocacy and charity work, much of it pro bono. They are continuing to live off her salary because my cousin does most of his work for free or very little payment.

    I have still not paid off my student loans and I hate working in biglaw. I so jealous of my cousin (and his wife). They live modestly now and lived like papers before. I know they sacrificed and scrimped and saved for almost 5 years.

    I’m not hating on them at all. My jealousy is a reflection of how I wish I had what they have and didn’t have student loans to pay off still. My cousin is a hard worker and is passionate about helping people. His wife is lovely, she made all of it possible and she is a great person. I just needed to vent and get this out because I don’t want to spoil their happiness and make it appear like I am bitter towards them.

    1. *paupers. Not papers (on mobile using a new device that I am not familiar with)

    2. That is really frustrating. Can you use them as inspiration and figure out a way to downsize your life and upsize your loan payments?

    3. Take a deep breath…

       And think…. You can do this too! It is not too late.

       You DO have what they have. You are extremely young. You make a crazy amount of money in a well respected job that is training you for many options for when you leave. You can buckle down and do the same. exact. thing. that your cousin did.

       Go for it Anon. Think about what is TRULY important to you in life. Start simplifying. Save your crazy high income and stop throwing money away. Check out Mr. Money Mustache.

       You can do this too. You are so, so, so, so lucky!!!! You are learned early in life there is a better way.

       Now DO IT!!!!

    4. I understand totally! I think the solution is to re-evaluate how you’re doing things, and find a few changes that would make your financial situations more like theirs – you’re probably also a hard worker and lovely person, so if you’re not happy with your situation, take tangible steps to change it!

    5. They sound like lovely, interesting and down-to-earth people. But your loans don’t make them better people by comparison, nor does their frugal lifestyle make your lifestyle regrettable. If you’re unhappy with your loan progress, changes can be made to get you a little further ahead. Basically, you do you.

       1. Human resources is not your friend, either.

          On a related note, yes, you’re not paranoid, sometimes management is against you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

          It’s ok to leave and move on.

          1. Oops. Sorry. Wrong thread, obvs.

    6. Maybe use them for inspiration? Pay yourself a salary of $45K/Year – or less as you are one person and they were two. Bank the rest – might take you longer than five years but you’ll get there.

       1. Right, there are people who have the same amount of loans as the OP who have salaries of around $45K per year. Hedonic adaptation is easy to fall into, but a person doesn’t have to upgrade herentire life such that has to continue to work at BigLaw to pay your bills.

          BigLaw earnings + modest expenses = a fast track to huge debt repayment and/or savings

          Mr. Money Moustache’s blog has a story of a former BigLaw attorney who retired at a young age.

    7. I’m confused as to how she made all of this possible? It sounds like they did together, not her alone, after all, the money they saved was the money he earned in biglaw?

       What exactly is your vent? Do you feel like you’ve been spending irresponsibly, or that you’re at a disadvantage being a single income household as opposed to double?

       1. Thanks for the replies everyone.

          I have been thinking about ways that I need to change my life because I do agree that I need to make a change.

          When I was pointing out how hard working and lovely they are I just meant that they are nice people and I am happy for them. I don’t feel inferior to them, I just want to change my life so I can have as much freedom to do what I love like they do, and I am working towards that goal.

          To Anon who asked how she made it possible; my cousin was terrible with money and financial management. I love him but it’s the truth. Had it not been for his wife taking control of the finances and showing him how to manage, save and be thrifty have no doubt that he would not only still have his student loans but even more debt on top of that.

    8. Not sure if this helps, but living like a pauper is not for everyone. If you are happy with you life, own it. But you do say you need to make a change? What sort of changes are you thinking about?

16. Why did it take me so long to re-discover this cheap, easy, painless method of hair removal?

    I am now shaving. It is awesome.

    Fair skinned, dark haired. All my life I have struggled with hair issues on my face. I have tweezed, bleached, removed hair with that painful “spring” thing etc… Almost every day. Tried waxing many times and just got awful skin damage or pimples/ingrowns and just looked like a hot mess.

    I just got the “Tinkle” facial razors (disposable) in the mail. Bought like 12 of them for $7 bucks.

    Awesome.

    But I still hate how women are now expected to remove hair to clean up their brows, upper lip, elsewhere on face, underarms, arms, hands, stomach, nipples, privates, legs, feet ….. I blame the internet. I blame internet porn. I hate this waste of my time and money. It is absurd.

    But I love my Tinkle!

    1. My facial hairs are mostly pale to white but wiry, so in profile you can see the hairs sticking out. I shave too, but not all the time. Sometimes I just live with the hairs for a while.

       This may be too TMI but I’ve finally decided to let my “down there” hair be. I had too many issues with ingrown hairs and finally after one got pretty badly infected I said forget it. Bare can look s exy but bare with a big purple pustule in the middle – not hot! So I gave my husband fair notice and then stopped doing anything. To his surprise he really likes it. He keeps saying how soft everything is. I encourage anyone with sensitive skin / ingrown issues to give it a try!

       1. Ugh, “fair notice” to your husband? Heads-up – being the boss of your own body is already completely fair and you don’t need to apologize to or seek permission from your husband to make changes. If you do in your relationship, especially for something as fraught as beauty demands on women, that’s an issue. If you just misspoke, then pay no mind to this…

          1. “Fair notice” means I told him. I didn’t ask his permission. I didn’t expect him to like it because he has expressed his preference for minimal to bare in the past. I’m happy he does like it, which was the surprise thing, but it wouldn’t have changed my decision if he didn’t.

          2. I don’t think giving notice is the same as an apology or seeking permission.

          3. I’m on board with Anon/OP. My husband can choose whether or not to shave his beard. It’s his body. But I sure want a heads up if he’s going to make that drastic change. I love that beard.

             I hate how people on this site are so quick to call out “issues” in other people’s relationships.

             1. i have the same problem and am currently getting electrolysis treat which seems to be working–too early to tell, but the hair definitely takes a long time to regrow. had the same problems with shaving, waxing, etc/did all the proper treatments, but still kept getting nasty ingrowns. glad you found a method that works for you!

       2. How do you tend to approach the issue of pubic hair? We’ve honestly never had the conversation.

    2. I am of a super hair ethnicity. I have always stuck with shaving (including my forearms….ick) and a few plucks on the eyebrows/face. I have never found shaving very burdensome.

17. I live in Berkeley and work in SF. We have all been encouraged to work from home as much as possible for the next two weeks as our office is right in the middle of Super Bowl City.

    I will probably work from home 100% during this period.

    However, whenever I work from home for more than a couple of days in a row, I start to feel frumpy and kind of stir crazy. Any r ettes work from home full time? How do you handle the complete lack of human interaction? I find myself striking up conversations with the mail and UPS carriers!

    I can’t really get out and about during the day as my schedule is pretty conference call heavy.

    1. Can you get out for dinner? Or run to a cafe for your morning coffee? I would get stir crazy too.

    2. Get out and about before and after work. Take a walk around the block before starting the day. After work, go to the gym, the store, meet a friend, etc. There doesn’t have to be a compost lack of human interaction. Enjoy working in yoga pants, taking all of your calls on speaker, a 0 minute commute, and a full kitchen for lunch. You really get used to it.

    3. I know you said your schedule is conference call heavy, but is there a way you can schedule the calls all together? If you can do all the calls in the morning, that frees up your afternoon to work from a coffee shop or similar. I know when I worked from home, interacting with people was crucial. I would break up my errands just to make sure I got out of the house every day (so instead of going to the store, the library and then the post office, I’d go to the store on Monday, the library Tuesday, etc)

    4. I”m in Berkeley too! Let’s get lunch!

    5. I worked in Times Square in Manhattan when they had SB events there and it really wasn’t too bad. Of course that may just be because working in Times Square is always bad and most people use public transportation. But maybe you will be able to get to the office a few days to get out.

    6. Pretend you have Skype calls every day and do your hair and makeup and wear a great shirt and sit somewhere you feel smart.

       I used to do this for my job interviews that i thought were going to be Skype calls– and then they weren’t, and I was sad, because I’d put in so.much.effort. (I was completely unemployed at the time so trust me! This was a LOT of effort!)

       1. I’m in Berkeley too and WFH full-time. Here’s what I do: before I start the day (at 6am), I go to get my coffee. If you can, walk there, so you get the day going with some movement. I also pick one conference call a day during which I don’t have to really take notes, and walk around the lake (in a perfect world, sometimes it’s just to College Ave and back). That way you get a few steps in and some fresh air. Once I’m done with work or can take a break, I get my groceries for dinner/lunch for the next day, or meet a friend/go to the gym. For me it’s key that I go through some type of routine, so shower, get dressed etc. Otherwise I’d end up living in my PJs.

          1. Something wrong with living in ones PJs? ;) I WFH full-time and only wear PJs and gym clothes most days!

18. Need advice on looking for a job while pregnant.

    I have recently started talking to recruiters and my network to look for a new job (needed to wait until the new year in order to get my bonus from last year). However, I recently learned that I am pregnant (still very early). I could keep looking for a job but it is not going to be easy while being pregnant and continuing in my current job. Also any new job will very likely require us to relocate because of the industry I am in. I have been looking forward to quitting my current job for a year now and have mentally checked out for the past two months.

    With our new family on the way I am torn: should I continue looking for a job and risk losing out on maternity leave? Should I suck it up and stick it out in my current job for another year? Just the thought of doing the latter is making me sick to the stomach (it is a consulting job in one of the top 3 firms, lots of travel, high stress), but I feel like even if I get a new job it might be a short sighted move if I go on maternity leave 6 months into the job and end up unemployed.

    One more thing: I am international so I can’t just quit and sit at home. I need to be employed in order to stay in the country and even to switch jobs (work visa rules, sigh).

    Would love to hear anyone’s advice on this – I am utterly confused and scared to make the leap in either direction.

    1. since you say you would likely have to move if you change jobs, I’d be more inclined to stick with the the current one. Since you don’t care about staying there forever, push back as much as you can on the things that you don’t like – like travel and working long hours. For instance you probably wouldn’t want to travel in your last trimester.

    2. Keep looking, see if it works out. If it does deal with it then. If it doesn’t don’t quit.

       1. + 1million. Lean into everything.
          I got a new job when I was 8 months along. I was able to negotiate a flexible start-date. I basically felt like I had a paid maternity leave because of the unemployment status, actually.

    3. I relocated and started a new job from 6-8 months pregnant. It was horrible, exhausting, incredibly difficult and absolutely worth it. Trust your gut and if the right offer comes along, take it. Keep your opportunities open.

       1. Thanks all! Really appreciate the advice. I’ll keep looking.

    4. Having worked at one of the top 3 consulting firms – in the US at least (for most positions) they give you a period of time where they continue to pay you but let you search for a job? They also have a pretty long and generous maternity leave policy?

       1. Yes to both, but I can’t have both due to the timing. If I want the maternity leave, I’ll have to stay in the job for another 7 months. If I take the option of paid-job-hunt-time, I’ll get a job but will have to go on maternity leave, in the new job, literally months after joining.

          This conundrum is kinda what prompted my question…

          1. Part of the conundrum (that I missed) – I’m not sure whether a new job will give me maternity leave when I have been in the job for 6months or less.

19. Any LA-area ladies interested in a meetup in the near future? There was a group of us doing monthly happy hour/brunch for a while but we haven’t gotten together for a while and I miss it! I’m thinking downtown LA or Upper East Side (Pasadena). Maybe Saturday, Feb 6 for brunch or happy hour Tues Feb 2 or Thurs or Fri Feb 4 or 5.

    Any takers? If so, post here and/or email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail and let me know your preferences re date and location.

    1. I’d love to meet some LA ‘rettes – I was so disappointed I couldn’t make it to the last meetup! I could do a Saturday thing in Pasadena, but would be limited to downtown on weeknights. Sometime the first week of February sounds great.

    2. I’m new to the LA area and would love this but I have friends visiting that week – would the following week work?

    3. I am open to meeting up! Downtown would be hard for me on a weekday though.

    4. Oh man, I’m in town this week. I’m planning to move back in a few months, so keep the ideas coming. I’m in Pasadena as well, so I’d vote that way…

20. So stressed.

    I am drowning. I have a job that I like. Heck, it’s pretty much my dream job. I’m helping people, I use my brain everyday, and there’s enough prestige to feed my ego. But the environment is so TOXIC. The “dictator” is ruthless and possibly bipolar, and micromanages to the point of pushing everyone to the brink of insanity. There are spies running around, reporting back to the command center. There are people here who’s job is basically to be “the muscle,” and bully everyone around, creating a fear based culture.

    Multiple people have had to take medical leave or some sort of time off to tend to their stress based ailments. I don’t want to be one of them. I thought I would be able to just hunker down, do the work I love, and let the stress roll off my back. I was wrong, and it’s starting to seep in. I am stressed and constantly worried that I’ll be fired for not responding to an email fast enough or wearing the wrong color one day.

    But I think what pushed me over is a recent, sudden illness in the family. The stress and worry that came along with that plus the job is just really getting to me. Yesterday I sat in my office on the brink of an anxiety attack. I’m hoping it’s all temporary and I’ll bounce back.

    I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, commiseration, or just to vent. But. UGH.

    1. Sounds like the work you do is the dream, but the company…not so much. Update your LinkedIn (you can turn off updates to your profile so no one knows!), get in touch with the recruiters who’ve contacted you in the past, and get out of there! No job is worth your physical or mental health. No. Job.

       1. +1

    2. Here’s some commiseration for you! It sounds awful!

       And some advice: Can you take some leave time to deal with the family crisis and get your feet back under you?

       1. I would LOVE to, but it’s our busy season right now. And by busy I mean anxiety riddled, and nothing else in the world should matter because the sky will fall if any of us stop. [it is so ridiculous, I know]

          I have a great immediate team, who has been covering for me as I’ve needed.

          Thank you for the commiseration!!

          1. The sky will not fall.

             I broke my arm really badly one time and was off work for several weeks. Guess what? Sky didn’t fall. Nobody is indispensable. Take care of yourself.

          2. +500 I left this job. The sky falling was fear #1 instilled in me by my old manager/people who drank koolaid. But you know what, it didn’t. And people were floored… FLOORED… I took medical leave for 2 weeks but I did, and the sky is still where it was before I took the leave.

    3. I just left a job that was very very similar to what you’re describing. Loved the work, the company generally and my immediate supervisor but the other people, conflicts, etc were *toxic*. I finally quit when it got to a point where it was affecting my health.

       FWIW, I’m in a job now that is just “ok”. The work is fine, the people are fine, the highs are not as high and the lows are not as low. And I don’t regret the move at all. Because at the end of the day I fall asleep more easily, I don’t have to drink a bottle of wine to calm my nerves and my job is just a job now.

    4. My opinion? Life’s too short for that much stress. I know we have this assumption that a stressful job is “better” in a lot of ways because it reflects prestige, or hard work, or a certain level of importance. But stress SUCKS. I have dealt with anxiety and it is seriously debilitating. It just completely ravages your body.

       I was in your position and this is what I did: I saw my doc and got prescriptions for anti-anxiety medication. I saw a behavioral therapist who gave me concrete ways to manage anxiety and stress (breathing techniques, physical therapy, etc.) I changed my diet so I made sure I was eating lots of protein and drinking lots of water. And then I found a new job. You know what worked the best? The new job.

       You can certainly manage the stress and continue working in your current job if you decide that it’s worth it. But you can also have a very fulfilling, wonderful stress-free (or at least, less stressful) life doing something else.

       1. This type of job really shouldn’t be so stressful. It’s just the dictator who creates it, and certain followers who enjoy the power trip.

          But, you’re right. There’s more out there. I’ve been considering calling my doctor for an appointment. I will probably call for an appt next week. Hopefully the sky stays put.

          1. I’m a litigator, so I expect to experience some stress at work and, I have a track record of dealing with stress really well. However, my mindset is that in litigation, I’ve already got enough opposition coming from outside the office, I shouldn’t be fighting battles on 2 fronts because of internal office drama.

             I worked at a firm with a toxic environment – the managing partner trapped us in 3-5 hour long meetings many times per week sabotaging your ability to complete work (the purpose of the meetings were usually to interrogate us about whether we were speaking about her behind or back, or to “rehabilitate” us if an overheard comment had been reported to her), required us to come into the office for meeting about peripheral administrative matters on weekends with an hour’s notice, once forced me to miss a court date because she insisted that I stand and listen to her admonishments rather than leave to attend court, refused to approve expenses (like cheques for issuing court documents with limitation periods) if she was angry at you, called at 3am to tell you about an idea she had, threw things at an employee’s head multiple times while I was there, and one Friday sent all employees a letter saying they were fired and then called the people that didn’t show up on Monday to scream at them like a banshee. It was the worst. It was the absolute worst place I have ever worked, or could imagine working. I was crying every day, and having panic attacks at work, in the car, at home.

             Things came to a head when I went on vacation for 5 days (my first vacation in 2 years of working there) and I came back to find that my caseload had been doubled. When I expressed that I wouldn’t be able to service a caseload that large, she told me, “that’s what happens when you go on vacation, I needed to talk to you about your caseload and you weren’t here”. I was so stressed about the caseload that I basically stopped sleeping, and my SO forced me to go see my doctor. My doctor immediately wrote me a note to be off work for a week, prescribed me sleeping pills, and told me to use the week to go to talk therapy. I went to talk therapy 4 times that week and began to understand that I needed to get out. Within a few weeks, I’d found a new job and was handing in my resignation.

             That was almost 2 years ago now, and I’m so happy now. I don’t dread going to work, which 2 years ago I would not have believed was possible. It can get better. Take the time you need to plan your exit strategy. In the meantime, lots of hugs to you.

             1. wow. I wonder if they’re related.

                So happy things are better for you!

    5. My husband left this job to check himself into intensive therapy (9 am – 3 pm) for 2 weeks. I had to get the mother-in-law to help me with the kid. We are STILL recovering from this incident – my school-age kid asked me today which of Daddy’s crazy bosses was my favorite.

       NO. A child should not feel the ill effects of a parent’s job like this.

       Please, please take care of yourself first because only then are you useful to your family.

       1. I’m so sorry to hear this. I wish you and your family the best.

21. This is probably going to be very hard for us to pull off, but my husband and I are considering taking a “babymoon” to the Florida Keys in mid March. I think we probably have to act fast (this weekend) to find places to stay etc. if we actually want to make this happen. Does anyone have any suggestions for places to stay or things to do? Any advice is appreciated!

    1. We did a babymoon in Key West and enjoyed our stay at Jasmine House. Not the most magnificent ever, but reasonable and nice.

       We spent the money to go out to Dry Tortugas Natl Park. It was not worth the time or money we invested. I also got really seasick (unusual for me) and could not take any medicine for it due to the pregnancy. To the contrary, we loved the beach at Fort Zachary Taylor. I also loved the Hemingway house tour.

       The runway is super short when you land. Prepare yourself for that and enjoy!

    2. I spent a few days at Tranquility Bay Resort in Marathon. It is a lovely, small resort with a beach, restaurant, tiki bar and three pools. If you want to fly into Miami or Ft. Lauderdale, Marathon is an hour closer than Key West. We did a day in KW, but that was a much more partying type of place, which may not be best for a babymoon.

Comments are closed.