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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 58 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Stellato Flat

Coffee Break

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M.Gemi Stellato Flat | CorporetteWe featured these pointed-toe loafers a while ago — which seem sleek and cool and a nice update — and now I see that one of M.Gemi's new styles is very similar, but at a much lower price point. They're available in hot pink, light blue, white, and black, and come in at $198 — nice. M.Gemi Stellato Flat Here are flats with an even lower price tag, these come in wide sizes, and these are available in both narrow and wide sizes. (L-all)

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Comments

  3. getting over

    This is a long post: How to get over past hurts? I have been struggling to get over pain from things that happened in my childhood. Therapy is always suggested on this site and I already tried that. I come from a family where I felt loved. However, my parents marriage was always tension filled, at least to me. At 10 I somehow told my mum that my father was cheating on her. I don’t know how I knew this and even though I knew he was unfaithful at that young age, I always thought it was some confused memory. But she confirmed it to me about a year ago and it sent me on an emotional roller coaster. I have memories of her crying alot especially when one of my younger siblings was an infant. Apart from the marriage tensions money was always an issue. Dad either wasted it and at other times, he just seemed to be broke, which meant unpaid electricity bills and straining to pay school fees in high school (it’s not free where I studied) and college for my siblings and I. I’m now in my mid thirties, my parents are still struggling financially and can’t really retire. Even though we have been blessed in other ways. I deal with alot of anxiety frequently. Because of other difficulties in my life I have also been depressed. Overall I’m finding it difficult to be optimistic about life and sometimes I wish I could fix things for them, but I know I can’t. I would appreciate hearing from people who have dealt with these kinds of stuff in their lives. Also suggestions for books and other resources that can help me move on. Thanks.

    • Ellen

      Super Hug’s to you. It is very hard NOT to be scarred when as a child you witnesed family stife, and your dad cheating on your mom. There are probabley smarter women then me with better personal experiences, but I can tell you just from reading your post that you are VERY articulate, and therfore able to deal better then most who have gone thru similar circumstances.

      My cousin Ivan’s family has alot of alchoholism in it, and with it comes the same type of strife. Husband’s and wives who cheat on each other (under the veil of alchohol) and having no money b/c they spent it on alchohol and women other then their familie’s. That, BTW, is why Ivan took my schrunchies, shoe, and pantie’s — not because he needed them but b/c he was taught NOT to respect personal property. You do NOT suffer from that maladie. FOOEY on Ivan for that, I supose, but he IS family so I am being nice to him.

      In your case, just perservere and know that you are doing great and will amount to alot more then you think. You have risen from humbel beginning’s to become the woman who can deal with adversity, and you have ALL of the HIVE cheereing you on. So go for it, and NEVER look back at the past. It is on to the future for you with MUCH sucess to come. That is how I do it, so you can to! YAY!!!!!

    • Anon

      If there was any substance abuse involved, al-anon meetings are great. Or their books if there is no meeting near you.

      • OP

        There was no substance abuse involved, thankfully. That is part of the reason I find it so hard to understand.

        • Anonymous

          I’d recommend therapy too, based on this comment – there doesn’t need to be substance abuse to have a lot of anxiety/depression from a tumultuous childhood. Have you tried multiple therapists?

        • Been there, done that, it's better now

          OP, I recommended this book in my longer comment below, but seriously, you sound like three years ago me – read “Adult Children – The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families” by John & Linda Friel. I think it will help you a lot.

    • Anon

      Things that have helped me:
      – individual therapy
      – everything written by Brene Brown

      • CountC

        Yeppppp. OP – I know that you said you already tried therapy, but I think it is worth trying again with a different therapist who uses different techniques. I think this is the type of thing that is really challenging to move past on your own, without professional help.

        I wholeheartedly recommend all of Brene Brown’s books also. She has an art therapy e-course that you could look into also.

    • Been there, done that, it's better now

      For a second I thought I wrote your post, but like three years ago.

      I know you said you tried therapy and it didn’t seem to work for you, but what specific type of therapy did you try? For me, I found a therapist who specializes in helping people recover from trauma (and that’s what you’re experiencing, the after-effects of trauma, even though you don’t want to call it that because it doesn’t feel like your childhood was “bad enough” to earn that label), and it has changed my life. In particular, my therapist uses a technique called EMDR (I forget what it stands for at the moment), and while I thought it sounded silly when she first described it to me, I have made rapid progress with her using this technique. I’d also second the recommendation for books by Brene Brown, and would add the book “Adult Children – The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families” by John & Linda Friel to the list. Also the books on co-dependency by Melody Beattie – your comment about wishing you could fix things for them tripped my codependency sensors. Lastly, the archives at CaptainAwkward[dot]com – she writes really eloquently about dysfunctional family relationships, and her writings have really helped reinforce the concepts around family boundaries that I’ve been working on in therapy.

      Briefly, some notes from the other side: Since finding the right treatment, I am basically a different person. I am calm, I am more optimistic, I like myself and other people more, and I am no longer embroiled in my family’s lives in a self-destructive way. It hasn’t come without grief – I have cried A LOT during the healing process – but on the other side of grief, there is peace to be found.

      Please, please try to find another therapist – I have been where you are, and I think it would be extraordinarily difficult, if not impossible, to muscle through this without professional help (from the right professional).

      • OP

        Thanks everyone for all the responses. @Been there, yes I do sometimes even feel guilty because I think other people have had worse situations, mine wasn’t “bad enough”. The therapist I worked with deals with family issues, we mainly just talked things through, not sure if there was any particular method or technique involved. However, after seeing this therapist some other family secrets came to light and that’s part of why I am having such a hard time. At one point I was confident that I would be okay and then it was like being hit with a ton of bricks emotionally.

        Thanks for the book suggestions. And based on everyone’s comments, I will try therapy again. Even though this is over the internet. Your support means so much.

    • Hildegarde

      I agree with the others that therapy is probably worth another shot. I don’t know if you are religious or at all interested in religion, but that’s where many people turn to deal with problems like you describe.

  5. SF in House

    A friend is looking into starting a business. Does anyone know of a good resource for evaluating the different ways to hold the business (e.g. LLC, LLP)?

      • coffe crash

        Yes, lawyers, particularly those that work in a corporate or alternative entity group are regularly hired to advise clients on the different types of business entities (C-corp, S-Corp, LLC, LLP, LP, Partnership, etc.). Lawyers can explain the differences between the structures and advise on their pros and cons for your situation (pass-through taxation, limited liability, etc.). Moreover, you’ll have to hire a lawyer anyway to help you create your corporation (or LLC or whatever). You’ll need an articles of incorporation that gets filed with the secretary of state, bylaws, etc. Lawyers draft all of these documents to make sure they include the benefits and protections you want and to make sure they comply with the law so your company actually exists in the eyes of the law. See TV show Silicon Valley episode 4 (titled “Fiduciary Duties”) where founder of company tries to deposit check made out to his new company in his personal checking account. He then realized he needed a lawyer to officially create his company. I died laughing when he asked why he was incorporating his Silicon Valley company in Delaware as any corporate lawyer would.

      • Anonattorney

        Also know that many law firms are now offering flat-rate packages for start-ups. Tell your friend to shop around a bit for a good price.

    • M pls

      Maybe the Sect of State office? Minnesota’s has a good handbook for small business owners that can give someone a primer, but it’s state-specific.

      Or, a lawyer.

    • NYC tech

      I found Nolo’s book “Legal Guide to Starting and Running a Small Business” to be a great overview of this subject. It was very helpful to already have a good background in the topic before talking to a lawyer – made consultations with a lawyer far more efficient because they didn’t have to explain the basics.

    • Snickety

      The Small Business Administration (federal agency) has tons of topical papers on starting a small business, including business structure. That would be a good place for your friend to start.

    • Scarlett

      I’d actually talk to an accountant – they usually have a good perspective on the various tax advantages/disadvantages at a more practical level than lawyers (not that lawyers don’t also have insight, I’d just talk to both) for this sort of thing.

  6. Ella

    I’m an intern and I’m going to one of the senior need house for a barbecue Saturday.

    What should I wear?

    (I’m under 21) what should I bring as a gift?

    • Ginjury

      Modest sundress or nice jeans/ankle pants and a blouse, if weather requires, throw on a cardigan. I probably wouldn’t bring a gift since you’re just an intern, but you can certainly ask him or her if you can bring a dessert or side dish.

      • Maddie Ross

        Before you ask about bringing a dessert or side, is there someone closer to you in age that you can ask about what type of party this is? If this is a work-sponsored party, it’s likely to be catered or otherwise paid for by work and I think it would look rather gauche to ask about bringing a covered dish. If this is just the senior person throwing a small get-together, asking if you can bring something may be more in line.

        As for dress, I’d probably go modest sundress and sandals (not flip flops), as that could be dressed up or down depending on the rest of the crowd.

        ETA – if you want to bring something, nice chocolates or chocolate covered strawberries are good in my opinion.

        • Ella

          It’s hosted by him and his wife, so I think it is truly a backyard barbeque

          • anon-oh-no

            I think a box of chocolates or coffee is a nice alternative to wine (obviously a no, given your age)

            And you may know better, but the fact that he and his wife are hosting does not mean its not a catered event. Many folks (including myself) have parties at our house catered, including BBQs, depending on the size.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      What to wear – nice sundress with sleeves (or sleeveless but with a very light sweater or similar to create “sleeves”). Alternatively, a short-sleeve top and non-jean ankle pants or capris would work. Either way, wear flats (heels + lawn = bad times).

      As for what to bring for a gift, flowers for the hostess?

      • Maddie Ross

        I don’t know that sleeves are a necessity, esp. if you’re in an office where sleeveless is pretty normal for a workday. I may lean away from strapless, halters or even spaghetti straps, but I think sleeveless is totally fine. (Though depending on where you are, you may well want a cardigan for the evening.)

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          Ah yes, I should’ve specified – if sleeveless is ok in the office, it’s ok outside of the office.

          I’ve always worked in conservative offices, so sleeveless has always been a no-go for me personally.

        • Anon

          I agree that, for a backyard bbq, sleeveless (not spaghetti straps or strapless) is totally acceptable. Particularly if you are anywhere hot and humid – it was still almost 90 degrees at 10pm last night in Atlanta, and will be for weeks – I would melt in sleeves at a BBQ.

  7. hair product build up

    Is there a way to strip product build up on hair? I finally found a shampoo routine that’s working for my dandruff, but I’m getting build up. I’ve tried clean products – my hair looked great but my scalp did not – so I’m hoping I can do a periodic strip. Vinegar rinse or something?

    • Diane Lockhart

      My stylist recommends using baking soda. Take a tablespoon or so, add water and make a paste then add your shampoo, work it in to your hair and scalp and leave on for a moment or so, then rinse. It does great job removing product build up. Only use it occasionally, say once a month, because it does dry out your hair. Be sure to use a good moisturizer to offset that.

    • BeenThatGuy

      1/3 cup baking soda with 4 tablespoons of water. Mix it until it’s a paste. Massage into your hair; ends first. Leave on for 15 minutes then wash as normal.

      Test first if using on recently color treated hair.

    • KinCA

      I like the Neutrogena Anti-Residue shampoo a lot (it worked better than other, more expensive clarifying shampoos for me). I only use it once every 1-2 months, because it’s pretty drying, but I always notice a huge difference in my hair whenever I do.

    • Anon

      May I ask what you used to get your dandruff under control? I have the hardest time with that.

      • OP

        Neutrogena T-Gel with occasionally swapping Selsun Blue (every third wash or so). Not glamorous or exotic, but I have really persistent dandruff (Ugh!) and it is keeping it at bay for now. I find I have to change it up every couple of months, though, so I guess that’s really my tip.

        My hair has gotten gross, though. Thanks for the suggestions, folks!

      • Snickety

        I used to have a lot of trouble with dandruff (along with dry hair/scalp, frizz, lack of shine). These issues were all completely resolved after I switched to sulfate/sulfite free shampoo and conditioner. WEN type except I just use a drugstore brand.

      • Emily

        Nothing worked for my dandruff for over 15 years until a dermatologist prescribed a liquid steroid you apply to your scalp, and now life is wonderful (when I keep up the routine). She also added kero-something shampoo to use in conjuction. Much better than the prescription foam I was prescribed before.

    • AIMS

      I think a vinegar rinse actually works great. Plus it makes hair extra shiny.
      You could also try alternating the dandruff shampoo with a clarifying or even just gentle shampoo to prevent the problem from happening in the first place.

    • Anonymous

      I can tell you what *not* to do: Shake baking soda over head. Pour vinegar over head. Squeeze your eyes tight while the 6th grade science volcano on your head does its thing. Common sense, I have it, I swear.

  9. Salary question

    I’m in the final stages of interviewing for a junior lawyer position at a very small public interest law firm in a medium-sized northeastern city (less expensive than DC or New York). I’ve been asked what my salary requirements are, and I just don’t have a sense of what the range is for this kind of position. Does anyone have a sense of what would be reasonable? Thanks in advance!

  10. Wedding Timing

    My fiance and I are starting to get serious about wedding planning. We both live on the west coast, my family is on the west coast, but his family is all in France. Most of his family and hometown friends will not be attending, even though they are invited. It will probably be limited to his parents, their SOs, and maybe an aunt/uncle/cousin. Of course, it’s a wedding and anything can happen in terms of who comes, but we’ve been told attendance will be low. So, we’re planning on doing 1 ceremony/reception where we live in April or May next year and then are planning on doing another reception in France and then tacking the honeymoon on to that one. I anticipate my parents, brother and his SO, and maybe a few close friends would attend a second wedding in France after attending the local one. For lots of reasons we are not doing just one in either country and it is not an option.

    Has anyone done anything similar? I am thinking that the local one will be about 85-100 but have zero visibility to the size of the French one. I believe we will have no input in the French one and will basically just show up. What is enough time between the two? What is too much time? Is September unrealistic in terms of cost/tiredness?

    • Emily

      You do whatever you want and works for your. A friend did a DC wedding one weekend and a California wedding the next weekend for the two sides of the family then honeymooned in Hawaii.

    • coffe crash

      My best friend who lived on the East Coast married a guy from Australia. So similar distance issues to what you have. It was cheaper for them to have 2 wedding receptions than having any friends or family pay for travel. The first wedding was on the East Coast. Her family and friends attended. I was the maid of honor. He had just a best man that flew in from Australia. Afterwards, they honeymooned in Hawaii. Then they went to Australia and had the second wedding reception. She wore the same dress and had a completely different set of bridesmaids (his sisters, etc.). No one from the states (including her family) attended the Australia wedding. I almost went, but had to back out . Anyway, it worked really well for them and was very smart financially. Especially because otherwise they would have put a huge financial burden on their friends and family to pay for travel 1/2 way around the world.

    • new anon

      We’re doing a similar thing, though the wedding itself (last summer) was larger than yours will be and the overseas reception likely won’t involve any of my family or friends. As may be obvious from that, we’ve got almost a year between the two events, which has seemed to work out fine. We’ve waited so long for a variety of reasons out of our control (other people’s work and travel schedules, mostly), and I think are billing it as a sort of combo wedding reception/first anniversary thing (I’m not part of the planning, which is what I wanted, but the general outlines of the event are: it’s a party, I’m not wearing my wedding dress, and there’s no ceremony/vow renewal/whatever). If the outside scheduling stuff had worked out differently, we’d likely have tried to put the events closer together, and I think that would have been fine too.

      I found putting on a wedding to be hugely stressful, but honestly, if you’re not planning the second event, I don’t think you really need a heck of a lot of rest between. Last summer was basically just a sprint for me–I graduated from law school, moved across the country, took the Bar, and got married in the space of three months, with all the usual summer stuff (mostly other people’s weddings, none local) thrown in–and it turned out fine. Frankly, it might have been nice to get all it done in one big fit of hard work and joy.

      • Wedding Timing

        Good to hear. We had originally thought about doing them more back to back, but were sort of put off by the prices of a peak season European honeymoon. Maybe something to consider again, though.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      One of my friends had a wedding/reception in the UK, where she was living (along with her husband’s family), and then had a big party/reception in her hometown in the US a few weeks later (either on her way to or from her honeymoon, I can’t remember) for people who couldn’t make it over. I think some friends from law school who had family in another country did something similar. So yes, I think it’s doable.

  11. coffe crash

    I forgot to add (sorry for the long reply) but I attended a wedding in France between an American and Pakistani (they decided a place half way between their two hometowns was the best option). It was one of the best weddings I’ve ever attended. They rented a chateau in Lyon. The ceremony was in the garden. The reception was in the wine cellar. It was about 34 people. And the French caterers had no idea about the American customs of favors or a guest book. Fortunately, I spoke French and had wedding planning experience, so I was able to coordinate the caterers and the facility. Both bride and groom commented they are not sure what would have happened if I didn’t happen to be a guest that day. So I recommend you find a bi-lingual wedding planner to help you.

    And more specifically, best friend had about 3 weeks between US and Aussie wedding. Wasn’t something she wanted to drag out, as it would become a chore if too much time in between.

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