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I've gotten a few requests lately to address “career hiccups” — how to deal with failing the bar, being awkward with coworkers, making a huge mistake — and I think this is a great question. So: let's discuss.
For my $.02, I think that YOU are the biggest hurdle to get over after a career hiccup. You can say the right thing in the moment and after the fact, and coworkers either accept you or they don't — but until you forgive yourself you'll never be at the top of your game again. I remember a time in my career when I started a list of all the screw-ups I'd made, slight or otherwise. As in, an Excel spreadsheet (because that's how I roll). And you can sit there and say, objectively, “Kat, that is crazy,” but in the moment it made perfect sense to me. Let's remember everything I ever did wrong, in a sort-able chart! (Let's just say this idea didn't work out for the best.)
One of the quotes I think of often is from Eleanor Roosevelt: “You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” I think, for most people, your mistakes leave their mind once the issue is resolved. If someone else is dwelling on one of your mistakes, the best way to get over it is to do better and show improvement — which is hard to do when you're still apologizing for and punishing yourself for something in the past.
Another great quote, this time from Emerson — I have the magnet form of this on the front of my fridge: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
Readers, how have you gotten over career hiccups in the past? Have you ever worked with someone who had a career hiccup — how did it affect your opinion of them, and how did they regain your good graces? (Have any other favorite quotes to get you through the rough times?)
Psst: we've talked about the imposter syndrome before, as well as when low self esteem affects your career.
January
The point about getting over yourself first is so important, I think. I was no-offered in the great summer recession of 2009 and took it (and the subsequent long job hunt) very hard for a long time. Eventually it turned out fine, and I ended up taking a job with a firm that had offered me a summer position in law school — so, in other words, I ended up in roughly the same position I could have expected to be in pre-recession.
So, that’s always my story now – to prospective job candidates, to law clerks looking for a permanent position, to people who have failed the bar – it’s going to be okay. It may take time. It will likely take longer than you wanted it to. But these bumps in the road will eventually be just that – bumps.
Seriously, get over yourself.
I don’t even know if this qualifies as a career “hiccup,” but I was the most junior person invited to my company’s conference (we host all our big clients for an all-expenses-paid booze-soaked-“business development” type thing each year). Everyone was drinking–hard–all week long. We were at a dinner with a bunch of clients, prospects, etc, all C-suite level. I had been drinking wine and someone told the punchline of a not-that-funny-but-we’d-all-been-drinking-so-it-was-hilarious joke and I spit my wine out while laughing all across the (white, of course) tablecloth and even onto the guy across from me.
I was *mortified*. I was probably the least drunk person around, but people saw. My drinking was certainly a factor, but it was 85% just terrible timing. Luckily, the person that took the brunt of the spit-wine was a coworker of mine, the head of sales, who was actively doing tequila shots at the time.
I learned so much on that trip about how to behave at these booze-soaked events– everything from when to call it a night (and when to stay up late at the bar getting deals done) to how far over the recommended dose of excedrin you need to go to show up to your 7am presentation.
ckm
At my first “real” job, I got hammered at the company Christmas party and threw up in my date’s car after he carried me out of the party. THANK GOD i changed fields/states/industries/careers but it still haunts me to this day.
Women Lawyers News
Great topic and great thoughts – love that quote!
It’s (really really) easy to fall into the trap of overanalyzing all sorts of moments from the day. It’s also easy for it to seem like a big deal right after it happens and obsess accordingly, but after a little time goes by it seems silly that we ever gave it a second thought. Of course, to Kat’s point, in the moment it makes all the sense in the world. So, unless there is some reason to dive into a mistake or other issue asap (e.g., there’s a time-sensitive correction), try making it a habit to set it aside and revisit it. Chances are, you’ll forget about it or decide it’s not as big a deal later on. Just like we proofread documents better after we set them down for a bit, we can “proofread” our mistake/issue better after a little time, if we even need to. (Sometimes easier said than done!)
Plus, obsessing over mistakes, past the point where there’s something to learn from them, is a huge waste of time. Think of how much we could get done in that time. It’s also mentally/emotionally exhausting. You can end up so drained that you’re not giving another task 100% of your attention.
The even harder thing is to remember to stop and acknowledge the amazing things we do every day. We could do 100 awesome things in a week and don’t take note, but we remember the one little mistake that didn’t matter all that much in the end. If we can get into the habit though, it’s a good balance for when things do go wrong.
FYI: Alison Green recently shared this discussion about mistakes (http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2015/06/01/how-to-rebuild-your-credibility-after-messing-up-at-work) if that’s helpful.
TBK
This really depends on the type of mistake and the environment. If it’s a big mistake at work, the best solution is to sit down and figure out (1) what went wrong; (2) how to minimize the damage now; and (3) what protocol etc. you can implement to make sure it never happens again. Take all this to your supervisor and explain calmly each of these three things. On the first item, don’t apologize more than once. Even if it’s really, really bad. And if it’s not catastrophically bad, I wouldn’t apologize at all. When I was younger, I often believed that I should take full responsibility for mistakes that happened on my watch, even if it was someone under me who screwed up. I did this a few times when I was in big law and I don’t think this is the best approach anymore. Unless there’s a wild mismatch between your words and reality, and I mean wild, people generally believe what you tell them about yourself. So if you go in there and say “I completely screwed up and this is awful and I am so so sorry I can’t believe I made such an awful mistake I am so sorry!” your boss will think of you as a screw up. If you instead go in and say (for example) “we’ve produced a number of especially sensitive privileged documents. I’ve gone back through the review and determined that Joe had failed to flip through every page of a certain type of document and marked it for production even though it included privileged information. I’ve talked with Joe and with the whole team about this and [new rule that will ensure this doesn’t happen]. In the meantime, I’ve [mitigating action you’ve already taken to minimize the damage]” your boss will think “well, THAT shouldn’t have happened” but will likely think you’re competent and, I hate to say it, will mostly remember it as being Joe’s fault, even if it was your job to supervise and you failed. (Notice how there’s no apology in there and yet no one would think you’d failed to grasp the seriousness of what happened?)
Other hiccups, like failing the bar, or getting fired, or bigger things are best glossed over. If you find a compelling narrative that explains, honestly but not too honestly, what happened, people will take you at your word. So if you got fired, describing it as not really a fit and a decision on your part to focus more on [other thing the old job didn’t include — like if you’re in law, saying you realized you’d rather focus on policy]. Obviously if you were fired for stealing or something similar that’s not going to work, but run of the mill your work wasn’t so great and you got pushed out? Sure. Just believe the story yourself and you’ll have no trouble getting other people to believe you.
But also, with all of this, you really do need take time and do a self-assessment. What went wrong? How can you fix it? There’s just no need to go broadcasting to everyone that you totally s–ck at your job (even if you do).
anyanony
TBK, this is really helpful – thanks!
TBK
Glad it’s helpful. All advice I learned the hard way.
Hildegarde
This is good advice, especially the part about not apologizing a ton for mistakes that happened on your watch but were not directly perpetrated by you. I need to keep this in mind.
NYC tech
fantatic advice.
LAnon
If I have to own up to a mistake, I don’t usually say “I’m sorry” but instead something along the lines of, “I really regret that I didn’t catch this earlier,” or “I’m so embarrassed that we lost that customer; I really feel badly about this.” I think it comes across as more sincere and mature, and also more aware of the situation – apologizing to your supervisor implies that your actions only affect him/her and puts pressure on them to say, “It’s okay,” or “I forgive you”.
Also, your reaction/ demeanor afterwards can really influence how people view your mistake. I know people who have messed up and spend the next several days acting like a kicked puppy and telling everyone that they can’t believe they did what they did, and I want to be like, “Dude, stop bringing it up!!” If, afterwards, you work diligently to correct whatever can be corrected and move on with the attitude that it was an unfortunate mistake but could happen to anyone, that’s probably what will stick in most peoples’ minds. If you skulk around and make sure everyone knows that you are so, so sorry for being so, so stupid… that’s what they’ll remember.
Christina
Absolutely fantastic advice. Thank you.
Mary Lou Green
I really like your idea of introducing your mistake by owning it and acknowledging your regret. Just “I’m sorry.” can come off as insincere. I agree with Christina–“Absolutely fantastic advice.”
Katie
“Unless there’s a wild mismatch between your words and reality, and I mean wild, people generally believe what you tell them about yourself.” That was exactly what I needed to hear today, thank you.
Ellen
Kat, this is SUCH a thoughtful p’osting topic! And I agree with January, who alway’s sounds so articulate! I also agree with what Elinor Rosevelt said–she should know that people don’t pay attention to you as much as you do to yourself. She also knew–I think — that her husband Franklin was fooleing around with his secretary. But it did NOT stop her from being a career success.
Personally, I too had a VERY rough time of it. Even tho I was very smart in college and went to the same law school, I did NOT make law review and was NOT in the top 1/2 of my class. So job lead’s were really NOT there for me and I had to start out w/o a real law job. I served LEGAL process in NYC where the men were more interested in my tuchus and boobie’s then in me doieng my job right. Many times, they did NOT even serve the defendeant’s but threw out the pleeding’s and just had the affidavit’s NOTARIZED by the same guy on 34th Street, so they could get PAID.
I did NOT like doeing busness that way, and it was dumm luck that I bumped into the manageing partner in an elevator. He was impressed with my legal skill’s and had me interview with him and other’s at his firm for a job. It was rough at first b/c I never took a class in law school about WC law, tho I was a moot court participant. He recognised that I could be good on my feet, and took me to court where his freind, the judge, liked me. As a result, for many year’s I have been doing my own littiegation, and arguing without the manageing partner even comeing down any more. I have also gotten new cleint’s for the firm, which benefit’s MY bottom line. So it can all work out for us in the end. Now if I can ONLEY find a rich guy who will MARRY me and buy me a home in Chapaqua, I will reciprocate by having children for him. YAY!!!!!I need to do this quick before my egg’s go stale. FOOEY!
January
Gosh, praise from Ellen! I’m blushing.
August
I am in this situation right now though my ex-manager was the one messed up which impacted me big time both in professional and personal life. I am trying to get over it, but it is just very hard as I suffer from the impact every day.
Rachel B
I took a horrible job in 2008. I was on a small team and my coworker was determined to “run me out” of the organization. Instead of addressing her behavior head on/early on, I let the stress impact my performance and kept screwing up. I was on the verge of being fired, but thankfully found my current job before I was dismissed, where I’ve been promoted to senior management.
The biggest takeaway for me from that experience was: Not everybody notices, and not everybody cares (Saying it another way: People form their own opinions about you). My relationship with my manager and closest team member was sour. But other people on my extended team saw me as helpful, funny, skilled, etc. enough to serve as peer references and share job leads. Some people shared my opinion of my terrible coworker and manager. Some people didn’t. I think that if I had fixated on apologizing for my mistakes or bad mouthing my terrible coworker, I wouldn’t have been able to rebound professionally as well as I did.
Anon
I failed the bar.
My husband had just been relocated to a fly-over state; I had had to give up family, friends, and lifelong dreams to move to the land of cookie cutter houses and strip malls. Worst of all was that my husband wasn’t even there – at the last minute, he was farmed out to another office in a third state for the summer. So here I was, in a new state without a single friend, enduring Barbri with all the small-town folks who’d known each other since elementary school, trying to unpack boxes and create a home at night. I was bitter, angry, depressed, and so deeply sad. There were days I could hardly get out of bed.
And when my scores came in in November, and I failed by just a few points, I was…resigned. I had expected it. Telling my boss wasn’t as bad as I feared. My coworkers gave me a small gift to cheer me up and all told stories of bright people they knew who’d failed. My friends from back home told me of all the bright people they knew who’d failed.
Failing isn’t the end. The toughest thing was forgiving myself. I failed, essentially, because I couldn’t get my emotions under control. But that move was one of the most emotionally difficult things I’ve ever gone through. I don’t know too many people who could have passed while going through that (there’s more backstory). Once I forgave myself, gave myself permission to say, “that was a really difficult time in my life,” it was ok.
And I promise this, other students failing the bar, for whatever reason: if you fail, you’ll learn about so many more people who’ve failed but never mention it. People who failed the bar multiple times, people who failed the CPA exam… There are lots of those people in the world. And the “grown-ups” you encounter – your boss, your teachers – they’ve been around long enough to have known plenty of these people. Failing isn’t as rare as you’d think. You will be totally fine after this, promise.
Cookie cutter
It’s unsurprising to me that the people from the land of cookie cutter houses and strip malls were supportive of the new person in town and her career setback. Fly-over states have a richer culture than you might think.
Not my best week
What do you do when you seem to be having an off week? I’m a 2-3 year associate and my boss is pretty great. He has let me take the reigns on some deals, and I work directly with the client. Some things he asks to see before I send, and some he does not. In the past week or so, I’ve made a few mistakes. They were not huge mistakes, but they did require me to go back to the (same) client and have to re-obtain signatures/disclose my mistake, and obviously that never looks good. This has maybe happened once before in my time here, but twice in the past week. I apologized to my boss for the first one, but the second one, I was working with the associate above me who talked to my boss about it. Moving forward, I plan to reach out to my boss or a higher level associate to review documents I send out if I am even semi-unsure. But still, I have been hating on myself all week now about this. Should I reach out to my boss again and say anything?
TBK
Nope nope nope. Fix the problem. That’s it. Reaching out only serves to make YOU feel better, but it doesn’t actually do anything for your boss. LAanon is right that saying “I’m sorry” is usually a bid for forgiveness. You get forgiveness by not making the same mistakes again. So if having someone else review the work is the solution, do that. If you aren’t sure that that will fix it, find another solution.
bridget
Define “hiccup.” The stuff about a faux pas at work, occasionally making a mistake, etc., I think are best dealt with before the mistake, i.e. if you are a generally thoughtful, polite, hard-working and competent person, one thing is going to be seen as a bad day, not as a personal failure.
Failing the bar? Take it again. When you’re 70, are you really going to care if you practiced law for 45 years or 44.5 years? The only people who really care are the ones who have never gone to law school.
Michmash
I Have this exact Emerson wuote above my desk and read it every day as a reminder that stuff happens but tomorrow is a new day.
Anonymous
I have failed the bar, been fired (twice, sorta) and had a malpractice claim filed against me (the first firing was for the malpractice mistake – they let me find another job, and the second firing was for when my second job found about the malpractice claim – I had switched to his firm before it got filed and got served at work. Trust me, it was an awesome year). I took a step back, realized I was in the COMPLETE wrong profession and wasn’t committed, had awesome and supportive friends and parents (also, real talk, saw a therapist and got on some anti anxiety meds), and now am a VP at a company doing something I like and am committed to and life couldn’t be better. On one hand, take mistakes with a grain of salt, but if its a pattern, its worth looking into. Also – everything, and I mean everything, works out if you just keep on keepin on.
Anonymous
Oh, one more thing. Best advice I can give – talk to people ten years older than you who have been around the block. Everyone your age will either act smug bc its not them or panic and mean well but be really unhelpful. I was in a volunteer org with women much older than me and their “it happens” attitudes probably saved me from jumping off a bridge.
Asideralis
Anonymous, how did you figure out which field fit you? I’ve been out of school for two years and feel like I don’t fit this at all. I’m not sure I’m meant to be an engineer.
Anonymous
Many things a) I made lists. Lists of why I didn’t like my old job. Lists of what I wasn’t good at. Lists of what I was good at. Lists of what I liked to do in my free time. Lists of people who liked me and had been supportive of me (for those pity party days). The lists helped activate my brainstorming and paint a picture of what I wanted and to remind myself I DID have marketable skills – sometimes its too easy to spiral and think, if I’m not good at this, I’m not good at anything.. b) Asking trusted friends. What do you think my skills are? What do you think I should be doing? This really pointed me in a great direction. c) I bought What Color is Your Parachute and made myself read it every night for twenty minutes. d) just scrolling through jobs without reading their requirements. What caught my eye? Then, I would look at what that job entailed and ask myself why it had gotten my attention. It really is a process and I was sort of forced into it, but it’ll come. Another former ex-lawyer friend of mine (who is now on her fourth, VERY successful career) also reminded me – you have 40 years to build your career, you don’t have to be 1000% right each time you switch.
Anon2
Hi Asideralis,
I felt the same way in engineering (that it/I wasn’t the best fit) for quite a while, but I no longer do. What have your engineering experiences been like? Work environment is huge. I am currently still working in tech, and I love it. I got my PhD in engineering a few years ago. I realized that for me the most important thing is my relationships with my coworkers. I want to feel like I’m part of a team, appreciated, and doing valuable work. The actual work is secondary. Different organizations have different cultures. Changing organizations/companies – but not careers – was good for me.