Coffee Break: Bayville Loafer

This shoe has a ton of great reviews at Zappos — the consensus is that they are comfortable and don’t really require breaking in — and to me it looks like a much more affordable version of the very popular Gucci loafer that’s super in right now. It’s $115 at Zappos and Nordstrom, and although it’s $180-$208 at Amazon right now, their prices can change anytime. MICHAEL Michael Kors Bayville Loafer

Here’s a lower-priced version from 6pm.



  1. Cross Country Move :

    Helping a sibling with a cross country move (from California to the midwest); how do you decide whether it’s worth it to pack the furniture of a 1 bdrm and move it vs. finding a local store and buying? Also, if stuff is left behind, how do you decide if it’s worth it to rent a furnished place vs. unfurnished? Lastly, is there a job title for someone who is in the new city who helps to coordinate the move that he could search for online? For example, ideally, he would pick out places online, someone could go see them and send real photos; he could pick out furniture online and the person would coordinate furniture delivery/set up, plus cable/internet set up so he could just walk into his new apartment and it’d be done. He’s moving with pets, so it’s tricky to live in a hotel for weeks while trying to set it all up on his own.

    • Anonymous :

      Unless he wants to go shopping immediately, I’d move stuff. Otherwise, giving away and starting over (if it’s more than a small u-haul) can be a lot of time in a new city/new job. And storing it means you just have to deal with it later.

      And with moving with pets, I’d find an unfurnished corporate rental from a big apartment community (try for 6 months) that allows pets. Are there no people sibling’s age at new workplace? I’d ask them where they moved when they first moved to the city. Every city has that place — it may be vanilla, but you want a safe and in-demographic place as a jumping-off place for new city.

      Unless he’s a high-level executive, no one is likely to do all you listed for him. The internet does half of it already.

    • I wouldn’t move with absolutely no furniture, regardless. It might take longer than expected to get new stuff and living on the floor while that happens doesn’t seem worth it to me. But if he’s paying for the move (and I’m assuming he is) I would decide what size truck he can afford and base decisions off what fits in that truck.

      Also keep in mind moving expenses for a move that big are tax deductible if he’s moving for work. Buying new furniture isn’t.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Don’t ever move without a bed, or you’ll end up sleeping on the tile floor of your empty apartment in a sleeping bag for two days. It’s not fun.

      • Get a simple sleeping pad at REI. Lot cheaper than shipping a bed and you can re-use it forever.

    • Anonymous :

      Very few ppl want to rent furnished places. In LA, those are the rentals that languish for ages on the listings. The exception of course being ultra high-end.

      I would definitely move stuff.

    • Anonymous :

      You can rent furniture from places like Cort, but unless you’re only going to be somewhere for a few months, it’s better to buy your furniture. I’ve rented an unfurnished apartment and rented furniture separately, when I moved somewhere for a few months.

    • Best Coast :

      I think it really depends on the quality of his stuff. If he’s living with ikea/target furniture, it would probably cost him just as much, if not more, to move it than to just start over with all new stuff. If he can find an apartment remotely, then he can get into town and get a mattress and box spring from Costco right away, then buy the rest of the furniture over time. I did a cross-country move of a one bedroom, and the cost of the uhaul, gas, hotel rooms and meals along the way faaaarrrrrrr exceeded the cost of the items I was bringing and if I were to do it again, I would just start all over with brand new stuff.

      • +1 Depends on the quality of the furniture. It’s generally not worth it to move IKEA or Target items especially if he has access to those stores in his new city. Moving furniture is expensive and those items
        may not fit into the new place. I have no personal experience but have heard that pod deliveries are cheaper than moving vans. Air mattresses are much better than they used to be too.

    • Unless your sibling will have a big car in the new city, I’d bring the furniture. It’s really expensive to have everything delivered.

  2. Can a single and a non-single truly be friends? :

    For those of you with spouses and/or kids, I’d love some insight into maintaining a friendship with a single kid-free person. It seems people typically assume gaining a spouse or kid makes that person too busy to remain friends but I know many single people who fear intruding into family time or being the only single person at a couples’ event and such. I hear a lot from the single person’s side but would love thoughts/experiences from the other side of things!

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I am married with a child and several of my best friends are single. We hang out alone sometimes and sometimes with my family and it has never been an issue at all. To be honest, I have never given it any thought until just now! That being said, I was coupled when I met them, but the kid came later.

    • Anonymous :

      I hang out with my single friends and it’s my chance to hang out without my partner! I’m with my husband all the time so its not “intruding” on family time. I may feel different once our baby is here, but I’ll probably just bring her as a tag-along.

    • Anonymous :

      Love single friends! I had a small group of 4 girlfriends and we used to do brunch regularly. I was the first one to marry/be a mom and I LOVED having a space that wasn’t married/mom stuff. They’re all partnered/moms now but we’ve managed to keep our low quota on the mom talk.

      It’s great if single friends want to come along. I wouldn’t necessarily think to call up a girlfriend to come along on a family hike but if she saw pictures and said ‘let me know next time you go and I’ll come with’ – I definitely would. I sort of default to assuming that single/childfree friends are going to be bored doing family hike type stuff but maybe I should invite anyway.

      • Invite anyway! A lot of people feel weird inviting themselves, and single people like hikes and family stuff too.

        • Baconpancakes :

          Yes! I really wish my friends with kids would invite me for things like hikes and zoo outings. Every time I’ve tried to invite them to something (even kid friendly stuff), it doesn’t work with their schedules, so I stopped asking, but I know they do have dinner and go to the zoo and aquarium and park, and I wish I could get invited sometime and see my friends.

        • Anonymous :


          I was always a little hurt when I had so little time with my married friends (ex. an hour for lunch), and then they said goodbye so they could go the park with the kids. I would love to go to the park with the kids!!!

        • I’m married without kids but this happens to me, too. I would be happy to go out with a friend and her kid(s) (gives me an excuse to do fun stuff that I would otherwise look like a creeper doing by myself), but I’m never invited. I think my friends assume I don’t want to be around kids since I’ve been married for a long time and don’t have any. For those who have kids, remember your childless friends can always say “no” to an invitation if they don’t want to hang out with your kids. But also don’t assume that one “no” means we don’t want to hang out with kids; we may legitimately be unavailable.

    • I’m married with two teens and all my best girlfriends are single and child free.

      It helps that I’m not friends with child free people who think kids are icky. My friends didn’t exactly want to change diapers but were always happy to attend birthday parties or come to dinners at my house.

      My end of the bargain is making myself available. I do stuff with my friends that doesn’t involve bringing my husband and kids along. Regularly. Honestly, there’s nothing better for a stressed out mom of preschoolers with a demanding job than happy hour with some good friends where you talk about ANYTHING BUT kids!

      • Marshmallow :

        +1 to the “my end of the bargain” thing. No kids yet, but I try to make myself available sans husband for girls’ nights. And if something conflicts with a family obligation, I follow through on really rescheduling instead of just saying we’ll take a rain check.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m married with a 4 year old. I’ve maintained a friendship with my best friend since childhood who is not single (anymore) but childless. What has helped is that she is willing to initiate contact more than 50% of the time, and she is willing to hang out with me and my kid (and sometimes my husband). We also really love her husband. I am happy to see her without my child or husband – thrilled really! – but I can’t always offer to do that and maintain marital harmony on my end. So her flexibility really helps. Otherwise most of my social time is spent with friends who have children the same age as my son, so it is social time for him too. I just don’t have a lot of free time when I don’t also need to be entertaining him.

      • pugsnbourbon :

        My husband and I are childless by choice. We are very good friends with a couple who have two young children, and the flexibility you mention is key! It’s much easier for us to go to their place, and I don’t mind hanging out with her kids at all (they’re adorable and funny). I had to get over the sense that I was “inviting myself over,” but we value the friendship and we make it work.

    • Anonymous :

      Well, my husband and I had a single friend who also popped by around 6 pm, surprised to see we were eating. Feed them and they will come!

  3. Share Some Hope, Please? :

    Many of us here seem to struggle with having feelings about being a certain age and not married (either never married or divorced). Any stories of awesome things that happened to you because you weren’t married young or because you married/partnered after age 30?

    • Anonymous4 :

      I don’t quite meet your qualifications, but I will still chime in. I married at 28; still significantly later than most of my friends who married in their early 20s, right out of college. Because I married later I had the chance to complete my MA on campus rather than work around the stresses of spouse and children. I was able to travel to both England and China for work for extended periods. I made really excellent girlfriends I would’t have made time for if I were in a serious relationship. I was able to work my dream job – which paid practically nothing, but gave incredible opportunities for my future.

      I have greatly benefited from the experiences I had a single in my 20s – I’ve done things that many people in my rural, small-town community haven’t. I also feel that when marriage and children came along I was able to enjoy a sense of calm and wisdom I didn’t have had my life gone according to my plan of getting married young. There is hope!

    • Anonymous :

      I had a list of friends lined up to come to the hospital and tweeze / pluck if I fell into a coma. I might have been a spinster in a coma, but a girl’s got to have her grooming done.

      There’s friends, and then there’s coma-tweezer friends. I am a rich woman in the friends department.

      • TO Lawyer :

        I have friends like that, and someone recently asked me if I regretted not getting married earlier (had it been an option) and my answer to that is always no because I don’t believe I’d have the amazing group of female friends that are ride or die.

        I love the coma-tweezer label!

        • Anonymous :

          Girls, you MUST discover the lovely Tinkle face shavers!!! Much easier and safer than plucking!

      • Marshmallow :

        Just LOLed at this. I have a small group that I designate “best friends,” but now I’m pretty sure I need to call them “coma-tweezer friends.”

      • Never too many shoes... :

        I usually call them my “will help hide the body” friends, but coma-tweezer is so much better!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I was able to move across the country to NYC because I was not partnered in my mid-20s. I’m not doing exactly what I’d hoped career-wise, but it had always been a dream of mine to live her for at least a portion of my life. I really do love living here.

      Granted, I could have moved with a partner but it would have been much more difficult to make the decision to do so in the first place. I just had to decide what I wanted and then make it happen without considering anyone else.

    • Anonymous :

      I didn’t meet my husband until I was 31, and I had my son at 35 and have no regrets about not starting earlier. Particularly having children greatly limits your flexibility. I was able to complete several artist residencies that I now can’t do in my 30s, as well as hobbies, exercising, travel, … really, don’t rush! I think I started dating in earnest only in my very late 20s and early 30s, around the same time I lost 85 pounds, started exercising, took an outward bound trip to Costa Rica… These are not necessarily things I couldn’t have done with a partner, but would have been hard with a child, and even partnered it is harder to be selfish and just do what you need/want to do without compromising.

      • artist in another life :

        This is off topic, but can you talk to me about your artist residencies? I’ve always thought I’d love to do that, but really don’t know where to start and would love to hear a first hand experience.

    • Moved half-way across the country, bought a condo, started a board game club (still going strong), was able to take care of a terminally ill parent because I didn’t have other family responsibilities, started running and lost 25lb, bought myself an insane piece of jewelry that I love because why not and found the confidence to walk into any room and start a conversation with anyone there. I got married at 38 and wouldn’t trade a single year of my singledom, and the happiness and lessons it brought me, despite being very happily coupled now.

    • I don’t think mine are off the charts amazing, but they are good for me (maybe not for you).

      I have been vacationing for several years by myself as a 30+ single person and it is AWESOME. I can do whatever I want, stay wherever I want, eat what, whenever, and wherever I want, etc. I take day trips when I feel like it, and I don’t have to worry about traveling to see anyone else’s families at the holidays. I am generally the only person I have to take into consideration when making plans (be it for dinner, a weekend, an evening, etc.), and it’s lovely.

      I also love that I can decorate my house however I want, renovate when and if I want, leave clothes around or be anal retentive, either one is fine because there is NO ONE there to be irritated by it. :)

      If I want to go out on the weekends, I go out! If I want to stay in, I stay in!

      • I LOVE traveling alone and doing whatever I want whenever I want. I traveled by myself some in college, but now (and for the past 10 years) my only alone travel is for conferences and work–obviously, it’s not quite the same, but I still love those opportunities.

      • “leave clothes around or be anal retentive, either one is fine because there is NO ONE there to be irritated by it” love this!!

        I do miss knowing that when I put something down it would always stay there unless I moved it, and there was literally no chance that I wouldn’t be able to find my g*d d*amn mixing bowls because SO hid them when emptying the dishwasher.

        OP, I don’t have anything especially different from what everyone else has said to add. Though I am happily coupled now, I would not trade my years of doing whatever the eff I wanted whenever the eff I wanted, from when and where to travel; to how and how much money I spent or saved; to whether to get a dog and then later a cat; to what city to hunt for (and then take) a job in. All of those decisions were mine and mine alone and it was great.

    • Anonymous :

      I really loved being single. I was able to travel, participate in a time-intense and travel-intense hobby, work hard enough to have a net worth of $1M(!), own a SFR, remodel the SFR, sell the SFR, buy my dream condo downtown, and work on becoming the best version of myself.

      I met the man of my dreams 4 years ago in my mid-thirties. Luckily, he’s as independent as I am. I’m planning to take two months to pursue my hobby in a remote part of the world without him. I will miss him.

      Being single into my 30s has made me a better girlfriend.

    • Anonymous :

      I have done the awesome things, and I don’t feel any pressure to get married because of social norms, but I am at the point (38) where I am just TIRED of being single. I’m sure there are more adventures to be had and more things to explore about the me-ness that is me, but I’m TIRED of doing it alone. So tired.

    • I wish I had a GREAT story to tell, but not being MARRIED at age 35 has proven to be a BIG dissapointement to my ENTIRE family (and me). Grandma Leyeh gave me $50,000 a few years ago thinking I would be married and spending it already, but I lost my boyfreind (voluntarily), and have NOT found a new guy to date, let alone mate with. FOOEY!

      BUT I do have 1 good story. I did make Partner at work, which Dad helped me do and that has given me financial security. Dad has figured out a way to defer income for me until I am age 59 1/2, so I can then stop working and retire unless I get MARRIED and then I will stop working earlier. In either event, Dad says I can NOT touch the money until age 59 1/2, which is along way down the road. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Still Single at 36! :

      Took a job on the other side of the country, worked SUPER hard and built a net worth of over $1M, supported family, and have twice accepted invites to move to another country for 3-4 months with my company…both times my boss asked on a Monday if I could fly out that Saturday. Never could have done that as one half of a couple. Then while I was living abroad on those assignments, I traveled EVERY weekend and did/drank/ate whatever I pleased.

      Pro tip: If my experience is indicative, an attractive young(ish) female can walk solo into the poshest and/or most popular restaurant in any given foreign destination, dressed for business, and be seated immediately. Even at the places where they normally insist on reservations 2 or 3 months ahead! Last year I went to Maui and ate dinner every.single.night at the most popular (reso-only) spot on the island because I was alone and they always have room at the bar for one.

    • My mom married at 38, had me at 39 and my sister at 41. She got to travel and explore the world and have adventures that would have been more difficult if she had had kids earlier. Both my parents were super ready to parent when we came along and I had a great childhood. The only sad thing about this time frame is my kids (who I don’t yet have) might not get a lot of time with my parents as active people.

    • So late, but:

      Moved three times, across three provinces for jobs that keep getting better, travelled with friends and solo, bought my own Kitchen Aid because I could. Met my now husband at 33, married at 35. So so glad I spent a lot of time on my own to deal with my own stuff and learn to be alone and be brave enough to stop putting up with [email protected] and take risks. I was able to work insane hours the first ~5 years of my career so that now that i’m starting to leave at a reasonable hour, i’ve got the credibility to let it not be a big deal.

    • I got divorced at 27, moved to a new city, started a new career, and built myself a new community. I had the opportunity to live with my sister for a few years, which was just such a gift, and she’s now one of my closest friends. I had my own “year of yes” where I said yes to all sorts of amazing travel adventures, tried new hobbies, and met a ton of new people. I moved jobs aggressively and worked much longer hours than I would have if I’d still been married.

      I was able to really focus on creating the life I’d always wanted for myself. I became much more confident, competent, and comfortable in my own skin. I then met my now-husband who was attracted to this new, awesome version of me. I was 33 when we got married and haven’t felt like I’ve had to compromise who I am or what I love doing in life. Of course, there are normal compromises to living with someone else and operating as part of a team, but I still spend lots of time with friends, still travel without him sometimes, and I am still pushing hard professionally.

      Bottom line, my life is immeasurably better for having had that time alone and having gotten (re)married in my 30s.

  4. Anonymous :

    Didn’t i have a Steve Madden version of these in 8th grade (circa 2001)? I know trends cycle…

    • Haha, I was just thinking about those Steve Maddens from junior high.

      and that is why I LOVE THESEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • anon in SV :

      I had the exact same thought and those exact Steve Madden shoes.

    • I totally had these in the 90s (not Steve Madden, probably Nine West) and I’m not going back.

      But I do have these (in all black)

      I’m just calling it evolution.

    • Anonymous :

      Yup, except mine were Franco Sarto…

    • KateMiddletown :

      +1,000 I went to Catholic school and had about 10 varieties of these from Target and the like throughout my 4 years. I can’t do the toe box shape.

  5. Matchmakers? :

    Is it bad that I wish we could match-make for each other? I’d bet many of us have friends or brothers or the like who would be perfect for another one of us! Wonder if there’s some way to do it that’s not creepy or putting someone’s personal info out there too much!

    • Anonymous :

      Yes. In particular if you have a man person between 32-43 in northern NJ who has a good job he likes, gets along with his family, wants kids, enjoys European travel, and doesn’t hate church I would be an awesome SIL.

    • Anonymous :

      I used to throw lots of parties and I do have one wedding to my credit where they wouldn’t have otherwise met.

      Paging Shots, Shots, Shots!

    • TO Lawyer :

      Anyone know eligible men in Toronto? I would be all over this

    • Amelia Earhart :

      I would be a million percent on board with this.

    • So, I haven’t done this, but I have a colleague who regularly throws casual dinner parties for the purpose of introducing friend groups to each other. It’s a mixed group of people from church, work, clubs/hobbies, etc. that she participates in, and everyone knows that the goal is to make friends/meet other single people. It’s not like a speed-dating thing, but basically just the mentality that a bunch of people who don’t know each other should come together and make an attempt to talk with someone they didn’t know before arriving at the party. It’s nice because they all know and trust her, so there’s one level of “vetting” out of the way. There’s usually at least a little overlap in interests, so that’s one more reason to make an effort. If nothing else, everyone eats good food and has a nice evening, and if new friendships or romantic relationships result, bonus points! One of my other friends is great about bringing different groups together, and I’ve met some wonderful new friends (no romantic partners, since I’m married) through her. I think creating a space where people come with an open mind is key. It’s not this weird thing where you’re creeping on people, but the acknowledgement that sometimes it’s hard to get out and meet new people for platonic or romantic relationships.

      • Anonymous :

        I did this, and it seems great. At least until two of my really good girl friends started dating two of my really good guy friends. And then they broke up. Now when I want to have parties it has to be divided into factions and it sucks.

    • This is going to sound weird because I don’t know the guy, but does anyone read the blog gin and tacos, or follow his Facebook page? The author, Ed, is a 30-something (I think) poly sci college professor, is cute and liberal, and is always complaining about being single & having a shortage of educated women to date in the Peoria area. Check him out.

    • I wish I had a GREAT story to tell, but not being MARRIED at age 35 has proven to be a BIG dissapointement to my ENTIRE family (and me). Grandma Leyeh gave me $50,000 a few years ago thinking I would be married and spending it already, but I lost my boyfreind (voluntarily), and have NOT found a new guy to date, let alone mate with. FOOEY!

      BUT I do have 1 good story. I did make Partner at work, which Dad helped me do and that has given me financial security. Dad has figured out a way to defer income for me until I am age 59 1/2, so I can then stop working and retire unless I get MARRIED and then I will stop working earlier. In either event, Dad says I can NOT touch the money until age 59 1/2, which is along way down the road. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Not at all! If you know of any whip-smart, kind, witty men aged 32-44 in LA, please send them my way. :-)

    • Anonymous :

      Such a good idea.

      My cousin became a widow very early in life (wife passed from breast cancer). After 2 years focused on raising his kids and figuring out how to survive, he told his close friends (male and female)…. “I’m looking.” He trusted his close friends, and told his male friends… choose someone you think would be good for me to meet, that is also someone YOU would date seriously.

      He is living with a great woman now.

      Then again, she is 10 years younger than him…. The advantages men have….

  6. Lorelai Gilmore :

    These look so 90s to me. I had a pair of stacked loafers in high school that I thought were to die for.

  7. Wowza. I think I owned the matte black leather version in 2002.

  8. Hunting in Boston :

    Email Subject Lines responding to a job posting (with resume, cover, etc.) :

    Do you write something clever/engaging in the subject line? Something to grab the eye?
    Do you keep it simple? like ” Associate Job Posting”

    surely I’m overthinking this, but halp. job searching has run me down. any leads also appreciated :)

  9. I’m a biglaw senior associate and looking for jobs that could be a significant paydrop. Is there anything I should put in a cover letter acknowledging that? Im already at a lower pay rate than is evident from my resume bc I’m on 75% time. And what I’m really interested in right now are legal jobs where I’d actually be working under 50 hrs/week.

    • Acknowledging the lower pay bc I don’t want my resume tossed just bc it’s assumed that I wouldn’t take a pay cut of that amount.

    • No. Lots of us here and lots of lawyers generally make that move. If you’re applying inhouse/govt, they know they pay less than biglaw and they assume you know that too. So you don’t really have to “prove” to them that you would take the pay cut. Maybe it comes up in discussion, but I wouldn’t put anything in a cover letter.

      • Anonymous :

        Agreed. FWIW, I moved from big law to govt and in every single interview they asked me about it.

    • Anonymous :

      Interested to see other replies, but I wouldn’t bother to mention as it’s assumed that you’re looking to leave BigLaw because of the hours and realize that less working time means less money.

    • I think everyone in the legal industry knows that when lawyers leave biglaw they take a pay cut. I would just assume that they know that you know and not worry about mentioning it.

    • WestCoast Lawyer :

      Agree that you don’t need to mention it. I also wouldn’t mention that you are at 75% unless specifically asked. I was in the same boat and once I mentioned it I had to convince them that I really wanted a full time job (which I did, but if I had it to do over I wouldn’t bring it up in the first place).

    • Agreed. Don’t put it in a cover letter bc everyone knows. BUT be prepared for the fact that in many interviews you WILL be directly asked about money. Kind of shocked me when I was leaving biglaw. I found in biglaw, money was never discussed — prob bc there’s no negotiability since your salary is set by your class yr and bc for most people money was no object bc salaries were so high — another 5k didn’t make or break a budget. In “regular” govt and in house jobs — it does come up quite directly.

    • Yeah, I would not mention it, but would have a polite and ready answer if it was brought up. If they don’t bring it up but you do, it could really come off as rude: “I know, I make soooooo much more money than you right now, why on earth would I want to do this?” Some people are in government and in-house that were never in biglaw, so they never had the pay drop and you telling them they make a pittance is not welcome.

      Good luck!

  10. Wooo! I have a pair of Bandolino loafers from a couple of years ago that are very similar to this – I am finally in fashion!

  11. Has anyone ever had a moving service come and pack for you? Any tips on how to best prepare and organize for this process?

    My husband’s company is relocating us, and in order for the moving company to insure our belongings during the move, they need to pack everything. While I’ve had professional movers, I’ve never had anyone pack for us. We have a decent-sized place now (2,000 square feet) and are moving into an even bigger home, so I want to try to make it organized and easy to unpack as possible.

    • Marshmallow :

      No, but I’m super jealous.

      I helped a family member move once and we kept an index of each box in a notebook. Box 1: kitchen utensils, box 2: glasses, box 3: plates, etc. Then we numbered each box. She said it was super helpful in unpacking. IDK if you could get professional movers on board with this system, though.

      • Anonymous :

        I do this. It really helps.

        I also color coded boxes for each room they go into. Just a bunch of stickers of different colors, write the number corresponding to the box and stick on box, have a pad with a description of each number.

    • Empty your garbage cans in advance or they’ll move them garbage in tact.

      • Yup. They will pack literally everything that’s in their path. I left a bottle of wine on my kitchen counter intending for it to be packed separately so I could open it on my first night in my new place. No, it got packed with whatever random kitchen stuff was in the drawer closest to the bottle.

        • Haha, yes, in order to move quickly, they don’t organize, just pack it safely and box it up. I got a manifest of box numbers with a ‘summary’ of what was inside. One box labeled “Christmas decorations,” (which we obviously didn’t open right away) had Christmas decorations and also… a pair of shoes that were also in the closet, but not packed with the other shoes from that closet. We went crazy trying to figure out where the shoes went!

          Pack a suitcase of stuff you need day of and for things you can’t really put in a suitcase but want right away (say, a coffeemaker), pack your own box and mark it up in a special way so you find it right away.

      • Baconpancakes :

        We had this happen. On a trans-Atlantic move. It was… not great.

      • This happened to me, too!

    • Prepare for the contingency that your stuff doesn’t arrive when its supposed to, so pack in your luggage to sustain you several days longer that you plan to be traveling (especially medications, pet food, etc). Also, if there’s anything mission critical to your existence in your new place (like your coffee pot), consider bringing that yourself as well, along with box openers and basic tools. There’s nothing like hunting in a garage full of boxes for the box with box cutter. Or like realizing that you can’t assemble your bed because you have no idea which box has screwdrivers in it.

      Talk to the moving company about their labeling method, this will help you determine what to group where.

      Finally, KonMari the whole house before moving. Not only will they then only pack what you actually want to own in the new space, all similar things will be organized together in your current space, meaning they will get packed and moved together in your new space.

      • Hunting in Boston :

        Yes to all of the above – and to the trash can! on my last company relocation husband was LAZY and a damp towel, fresh from the shower, was packed. so. gross. otherwise – company relocation is so bangarang and enjoy it!

        In addition to KonMari-ing the joint – make a safe room/space where you put your suitcases, etc, things that will not get packed, going with you on the plane, etc.

        When the guys come, it’s a tornado of packing and you should not get in their way. Let them do their thing. Buy them pizza (they will appreciate). and make sure they know where your safe room is where nothing is to be touched.

    • veteran of many moves :

      Many times, as DH and I were military and they do it all. Walnut is right – they will move garbage. How accommodating they are varies WIDELY by moving company. Some listened quite well to what I wanted, others didn’t listen at all, and put stuff from every room into a box if that meant the box would be packed full. One packed the stack of stuff clearly marked DO NOT PACK, but in retrospect I’m pretty sure that was because they didn’t speak English. But if there are things you don’t want packed, it’s best to move them out of the house entirely.

      My quick checklist was as follows: Take all pictures down from walls (some movers would do this for you, most wouldn’t). Remove all personal papers into car. Review company specific list about what they wouldn’t move and get rid of all that stuff (candles, aerosol cans, any partially opened dry goods, any liquids, etc – I’m pretty sure aerosol cans were the only item on every company’s list). Take pictures of valuables like artwork and other easily damaged items to note condition before they’re packed. If you’ve got a garage, prep everything there (small engine equipment, lawnmower stuff, etc.). Note serial numbers of every piece of electronics and valuable. Most movers do this on the inventory sheet, but its good to have another copy.

      They’ll give you the checklist for boxes; pay attention. One set of movers stole the box with all my coats (pretty sure it was to nab the leather aviator jacket, which I happily would have given him for free to get my college marching band jacket back). Movers know what is valuable; I know fellow military families that had movers “lose” entire boxes of longaberger baskets, jewelry, power tools, etc.

      Depending on the size of your house and the packing crew, it’s handy to have an extra person around to help monitor boxes going onto the truck, especially if you have multiple people putting stuff onto the truck.

      Most of my moves have gone really well. Other than the coat-stealers, the biggest problem was when they lost the box that held the hardware to reassemble every single piece of furniture in the house. They had to pay for a carpenter to come out and put everything back together.

      Good luck!

    • I have had this and maybe it’s my personality but there are things like my bras that I don’t want a packing crew touching. I pre packed some things into plastic tubs or sweater summer storage bins so they could just lift the whole thing and put it in a box. Make sure you put things you don’t want packed (like your important docs or your travel clothes) in your car or some place tucked away or it might get packed by mistake.

    • Put anything you do not want to be moved into your car or a locked room. They really will move anything in our their path.

  12. Vacationing with others (besides your spouse/nuclear family) — do you enjoy it or find it to be a hassle? Looking to do a family vacation and as we’re planning, already I’m realizing that our styles vary. For example, I want to go to one place and stay there for 3-4 days, maybe doing 1 side trip; I tend to like to get to know a place well, be in a city/beach town etc. Others think it’s a good idea to stay in a suburb in the middle of 3-4 cities so we can go to 1 city each day — um, except that 2 out of the 4 nearby “cities” are suburbs and we’ll end up hanging at the mall all day and end up spending every day in a rental car.

    Same thing with number of days — I think 4 nights is enough, others want to do 5. Which would be great except I am the only one who does any planning and I’m the one people will look at when they are bored with nothing to do when I can’t come up with what to do on that last day . . . .

    And yet — I don’t want to be rude, and I DO want to spend time with the extended family. Experiences?

    • I would never agree to spend vacation time/money to go on a vacation where any significant part of the time is spent at a mall (assuming you mean a western-style mall; obviously a crafts market or outdoor food market is different depending on where you are traveling).

      Maybe you guys should do a cruise?

      • Yes — I mean western malls in the southeastern U.S. I don’t mean markets in Morocco or shopping in Paris or anything like that — obv I could spend an entire day or more doing that.

    • I wouldn’t do it voluntarily, but sometimes you’re forced into this situation with family reunions etc. You don’t have to do everything together. Make your own itinerary of things you absolutely want to do, and then do them. Agree to meet back up with family for dinner or lunch or whatever, but do not spend 100% of your waking hours with them because you will want to kill them. Ask me how I know.

    • Stay in the bigger city/beach town where YOU want to spend your vacation. From there whoever wants to can head out to the suburbs every morning (chances are they won’t). I say it’s better to do it that way than in reverse (staying in the suburbs and heading to the city) bc chances are your suburban family is comfortable in the suburbs — so they’ll be content spending an entire vacation in suburbia, going to the city maybe once and you’ll be bored and resentful being stuck there.

    • Anonymous :

      No advice, just sympathy. I’m dealing with a similar situation. I took a vacation with my mom several years ago and it was just SO AWFUL that I never want to do it again. She wants me to go on vacation with her again and I just…. don’t want to. And I feel horribly guilty about the whole thing because she’s lonely, etc. But she booked a place (through her timeshare) that I don’t want to go, during a month I am not as easily available, and is giving me “first right of refusal” but I feel like a jerk if I say no.

    • I’ve traveled a lot with different friends/family members, and I’m usually the planner. Usually it works out great. One time it did not. We all had separate itineraries, and we discussed before how we each had different desires for the trip. Some days we were all doing the same things, though. The problem came from the fact that one person wanted to adhere strictly to the itinerary, to the point of skipping meals to make up time. Others were more flexible, and wanted to explore new opportunities that came up.

      Stay in the city/beach town you want, as the planner you get that perk. I would say having a list of different activities for each day can help, so some people can drive to a suburb while others explore the city you’re in, and you all meet up for dinner or drinks. If most people decide to skip the suburbs while one still wants to go, you could still have problems, though.

      • I have planned several of these types of trips, and my position is that, as the planner, you get certain prerogatives– like staying in the city instead of suburbia. Don’t make it an option, and make it clear that if anyone objects they’re welcome to take over all planning duties.

    • The only ways I will vacation with anyone besides my husband are when we stay in one place where the activities are right outside (beach, mountains, cruises) or when I know a place well enough that I don’t feel any particular pressure (city I’ve lived in but like to go back and visit, touristy city I grew up in) or maybe if it’s a free trip to a great place (hasn’t happened yet).

    • Sydney Bristow :

      My large extended family does a big trip every 2-3 years. It includes my grandparents, my parents, all my siblings/step-siblings and their nuclear families. This year that will be 15 people total. Actually this year, my in-laws are joining us for part of the time so there will be 17 but they are staying at a place separate from us.

      My parents usually pay for the entire trip for everyone (despite us trying to contribute!) so everything is really up to them. Most of the time they pick generally what the trip is going to be (cruise, ski house, etc) and when it will be. This year my dad proposed either going to Yellowstone or to the resort town where we grew up going skiing and now spend some Christmases and proposed the month. We decided to time it to see the solar eclipse this summer and the majority of us found it more convenient to go to the resort town so we sort of decided that as a group.

      Aside from the cruise we took one year, most of the time it is up to everyone to decide when they will be there. This summer we are renting a giant house and my parents, me and my husband, and possibly my grandparents will be there the entire time. Some of my siblings can only come for a few days. When we are there, everyone can do what they want. A group of us will go see the eclipse, others will hike, etc. We try to coordinate group dinners at least a couple of times.

      I guess my suggestion is that if someone is in charge of planning, they should just pick something and let everyone else decide how much they want to participate in that way. Or if it isn’t really a single person planning you could always poll everybody and do what the majority wants.

  13. I’m heading to the dermatologist soon. Can anyone tell me how a full skin cancer screening / mole check goes? Like I do have to get full-on naked? All at once, or section by section? Or is there some sort of gown situation?

    • I am usually naked except for my panties. The doctor spends a lot more time on areas that are regularly exposed to the sun, so she parts my hair and goes over my scalp a centimeter at at time, but only takes a brief glance at my butt. It’s relatively quick and painless but it’s good time to bring up anything you have noticed that is bothering you. Most likely it’s nothing, but she will make a note of it and measure it in order to see whether it has changed next year when you come back.

      My family derm found a stage 0 melanoma on my husband, for which I will be eternally grateful. (Stage 0 meant it hadn’t spread and could just be cut out)

      • Same – my derm gives you a paper vest/sheet to drape and “wear”, but honestly, it’s easier just to not wear it as you’re standing up/turning around for them to inspect you.

        It’s not the most fun thing in the world, but it’s quick and painless and you’ll be glad you did it when it’s over.

      • This has been my experience as well. I had a dermatologist when I was in my late teens who actually just asked if there was anything underneath my panties I wanted him to take a look at and when I said no he didn’t look. My current derm gives me a paper robe to put on over my panties, which she moves to the side as she goes over my skin section by section. I actually find the robe kind of silly and don’t really prefer it. It’s so clinical the nudity doesn’t bother me.

        Full screening takes … max 10 minutes? Then if there’s anything that needs to be removed for biopsy (which has happened to me a few times but not every time) they can usually do it right then with a razor and a local anesthetic. This takes no more than another 5 minutes. If they biopsy it (takes a couple weeks) and it comes back as abnormal, you may have to go back and they will cut more skin off.

        • May I ask the dumb question of how you know whether to go to a derm? Is this something that most women should do every year or so? or only if you notice something on your skin?

          • Go every year, even if you don’t notice anything.

          • I’m going because I’ve had a mole removed in the past and now I’m noticing some other unusual skin markings. I should go every year, especially because my mother has a history of squamous & basal cell, but this is my first full screening as an adult.

            Probably everyone should do it every year; it’s at least as important as a pap smear but somehow not as typical. Exhibit A: me.

          • I believe the guidelines are to go every year after you’re like 30 (or something like that), per my regular doctor. I was supposed to go earlier since I grew up in Florida, but I just went for the first time last year (I’m 36). Super easy and very quick.

          • I’m incredibly pale (more than one non-white friend has remarked that I glow in the dark) and have been going to the derm for skin checks since I was 12. The recommendation I’ve always been given is to get checked once a year, and make an appointment specifically if I notice something funky. I’ve not always followed that recommendation because of moving around quite a bit, but multiple doctors in multiple cities have said the same thing so I think that’s standard.

            I don’t know what what age people that don’t glow in the dark are supposed to start going but if you’re worried about something and you have health insurance, just go.

          • Sorry to be clear, make an appointment specifically meaning even if it’s been less than a year since the last check.

          • KateMiddletown :

            Ask your primary care provider if you don’t have anything bothering you.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      Thank you for asking this. Pale with reddish hair and plenty of childhood sunburns … my check is overdue and on my list for 2017.

      • The husband with the stage zero melanoma is also a redhead with a history of sunburn. Go!


        FIL with no remarkable sunburns (never an outdoors guy/kid) and not pale/red headed at all is battling Stage IV melanoma right now.

        And, if they remove anything – – make sure it’s tested. I thought this was standard procedure, but evidently it’s not. His stage 4 is being linked to something that was removed because it was unsightly, not because it was discolored/malformed/otherwise concerning. It was removed 5+ years ago so today they can’t scientifically link his soft tissue melanoma to that mole, but they’ve exhausted all other sources.

        Giant sigh. This is so, so preventable AND treatable if caught early.

        • I guess I didn’t finish my thought. Had they tested it 5 years ago, it would have showed up as cancer and it would have been likely Stage 0 or I, with a way better prognosis and nearly guaranteed treatment/cure.

    • When making an appointment do you just say that you want a body scan? Or cancer screening? Mid 30s here and I’ve only gone to the derm for acne.

    • My dermatologist has me wear my bra and underwear with a cotton hospital gown open to the back. He looks at my body section by section (I have a history of abnormal moles, “precancerous”). He spends a lot of time on my back (where most people wouldn’t notice abnormal moles or changes to them) and lifts the bra straps to view beneath. I shift the gown so he can see one side of my stomach, then the other, and I lower the gown so he can see my chest. Then I have to stand so he can look at the backs of my legs. Honestly, I’m pretty modest and I feel like the whole thing would be easier without the gown. My dermatologist is male and always has a female nurse present with him. I would have to tell him if I suspected anything underneath my underwear or bra cups since he doesn’t look there.

  14. TUMI sale :

    Just noticed a sale on Tumi here:

  15. WestCoast Lawyer :

    I know I’m missing something here, but how do you put a jacket on over a 3/4 sleeve sweater? If the shirt was long sleeved I’d just grab the cuff and hang onto it while I pulled the jacket sleeves on, but I can’t do that with a 3/4 sleeve and the sleeves always bunch up in the arms of my jackets.

  16. Hey ladies —
    I had an epiphany today. I haven’t been at my job long. And when I’m in the office I hate it and I’m miserable. However when I get to work from home on Friday I love it! So I realized I want to work from home and it’s being physically in the office that is stressful. Not just because of the pain I get in my back (I see a chiropractic therapist weekly) but also the nuances of office politics and also being chained to the desk 24/7. I’m actively now looking for a remote job however – my current job is in tech at a well known company. It’s a great position and I haven’t been here long. So I guess I feel guilty? But I also want to do what’s best for me. Also worried about what my partner will think since he’s very happy about this job salary and position wise… due to debt we need to pay off from school about $120k combined. He has a Phd and I have 2 masters. Thoughts?

    • See if you can get your employer to agree to let you work from home one or two days from week, and then see if you like it. It’s not for everyone. There are advantages to working in an office.

    • Anonymous :

      Why do you find being in the office stressful – is it just that it’s new? Your chair is uncomfortable? Maybe you can get an ergo evaluation done at your desk. Honestly a lot of companies are fine with their employees working from home – I would probably stick it out for a year and then ask to increase your home time. Whether you work from home or not, you’ll still be working at a desk and will still be involved in office politics.

      • I already have worked for a company full remote in the past in a different field. So I know I’ll be at a desk & involved in politics. What I am trying to say is — having experienced both I realize I really don’t like working inside the office. I have a long list I won’t get into of why it’s stressful. No – changing chairs doesn’t work and for me – staying a year to me isn’t a viable option. Time is precious and I’m not one to stay somewhere because it’s a social norm..

        • Anonymous :

          Why not ask to go to a full-time telecommuter status, if you like your job? I guess it’s a little weird to quit what you say is a great and well-paying job. Without any reasons, it doesn’t make sense.

          • Did you even read my post??? I said there are ALOT of reasons. But maybe to indulge you I’ll tell you directly they have a lot to do with emotional issues that I discuss with my therapist! That’s primarily the issue.

          • Anonymous :

            Maybe your therapist can help you figure out a way that you can feel comfortable asking your employer about the possibility of full-time telecommuting (since it sounds like you may be having trouble getting the courage to ask that question)? In a lot of workplaces once the initial newness wears off plenty of people work from home, and it would be a shame to quit a great job when you don’t have to.

          • Thank you for this HELPFUL post. You read and understood the simple dilemma. I will definitely consider that method. I didn’t know how I could go that route without divulging more than I’m comfortable with to my employer.

          • Anonymous :

            Did you even read her post? She means why quit without even asking to go full time remote.

          • Anonymous :

            Lo, you’re being rude.

          • No. I’m not. Nothing I said was rude, crass; unkind, berating nor belittling or even wrong. I asked a simple question in response.

          • Also – using the word “weird” like she did to describe someone problem is the definition of rude. Really do not like people who quickly jump into conversations only to point fingers. Which is rude :)

          • Anonymous :

            Lo, chill. You don’t have to tell your boss about anxiety, and you’re being rude here. “I really like working from home. Can we expand from one day a week to four a week at home and one here?”

          • You chill. I was not rude at all. Stop projecting. You are the one who is rude. Telling people “chill” is rude and condescending.

          • Anonymous :

            You were really aggressive, accused her of not reading your post, and yelled at her in all caps. That was rude.

          • Anonymous :

            haha not to mention the passive-aggressive comments in the other replies below about people being ridiculous. I was only trying to help, Lo. I promise. Sorry it’s such a touchy subject for you, but if you ask for peoples’ opinions you should have an open mind. Sometimes going out your comfort zone and asking a question you don’t want to ask can pay off.


      • afjsdafdi [jsdsfa io[jo :

        I do understand what OP is saying about the office being stressful but working from home is fine. My office has hoteling so it’s a whole other can of worms, but generally I get startled easily and really prefer to sit with my back to the wall, fluorescent lights really bother me after some time, I just need some fresh air and to move around a bit after a while, it can be loud and distracting. I just don’t like having to be “on” all day and feel “watched” by coworkers – even if I know it isn’t so.

        A lot of this would be eliminated if I had my own office, but in the meantime . .

    • Best of luck! I work remotely full time and absolutely love it. It allows me to focus better and to manage my time so much better. People often offer thoughts on the matter along the lines of ” oh, I could never do that” or “do you just do laundry all day?”. I don’t listen to these people if I can help it!

      • Same here! Working remote gives me laser focus but at the office I’m constantly stressed, and distracted. Even people talking too loudly or staring at me can be anxiety inducing. There’s something about sitting on your porch or at the dining table that for me makes me work 100mph with no distractions. People can be ridiculous frankly and do not understand the complexity of this issue so I try to pay it no mind.

  17. I’m looking for a recommendation for a lightweight duffle bag with sturdy zippers. I’m looking for a weekend trip size. And it’s for my teenaged son, so nothing too girly.

    The key is sturdy zippers. He had a samsonite one which wasn’t cheap, but the zipper split open and dumped his stuff everywhere on a school trip, which he did not enjoy!

  18. Sloan Sabbith :

    How do you keep yourself fed when you’re sick? I’ve been on and off sick since before Christmas.

    I’m not eating very much, but I have to keep my calories up. I’m so tired that even standing in my kitchen completely wipes me out. I’ve been eating higher calorie stuff less frequently, but that’s obviously not an ideal situation. There’s been a lot of take out and pizza delivery, which is also less than ideal. Soup is fine, but it doesn’t fill me up.

    This is when living with my parents seems ideal. In every other way, no. But I have dropped almost ten pounds in a month (yeah, my doctor knows. They’re kind of at a loss) and I’m miserable.

    • Anonymous :

      If you don’t have anyone who can cook for you, delivery. Pasta, lasagna, pudding, Boost shakes, macaroni and cheese.

    • Can you order Indian or Thai food? When I’m sick I just order a lot of red curry, rice, and sweet and sour soup, enough to last at least 2-3 days at a time eating leftovers. I have it in my head that the spiciness helps, not sure if that is true.

      Lasagna as mentioned above. Spaghetti and meatballs. Macaroni and cheese.

      What type of food do you like to eat?

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Okay, delivery and easy stuff it is. It sucks because I’m eating like crap and it’s expensive, but I have to eat and no one to cook for me.

      I think spiciness does help, anon. I’m more of a pho person, myself, but it’s on my list of options.

      • Anonymous :

        get organic chicken + garlic + rice (if you don’t already have them) – maybe delivered by wholefoods/amazon/safeway/local posh grocery store.

        bring them to a boil, then simmer. add salt to taste.

      • You need calories and fuel! Drink your boost and eat your cheese.

    • I had bronchitis over Christmas and I’ve now had the cold from he11 for 5 days. I just ordered pho and imperial rolls from grub hub. I feel you. Also, I’m so sick of wearing leggings and a long sweater – aren’t you?

      • (although, to be clear, I have never accidentally lost weight in my life!)

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I am so tired of it. I’ve been kind of struggling through work, since there’s no indication it’s viral (chronic illness flare up? Unsure) and I’ve just been wearing my comfiest work clothes every day. Looooooots of fleece tights (including under pants).

        Losing weight accidentally isn’t super fun, half of my clothes aren’t fitting.

    • Whenever anyone in the house is sick, we make a big pot of avgolemono. Maybe try thicker soups?

    • If you have half an hour where
      You feel well enough, try the premise section of the grocery store. Pricier than DIY but cheaper than take out. You can also do frozen meals (eg lean cuisine) for pure calorie purposes. Sandwich meat? Peanut butter or Avocado toast?

      I have a similar issue in that I’m [email protected] which means LOtS of calories and very little time to cook while being sleep deprived and nursing. Avocado toast has been my breakfast/lunch/dinner some days.

    • I’m in a similar boat right now. I have a terrible cold (sore throat, bronchitis, sinus infection, fever, chills), but I’m having a biopsy tomorrow so I can’t take anything stronger than tylenol. It’s miserable. I’ve lost 5 pounds in 3 days.

      I picked up a bunch of homemade soups from my supermarket, and fresh squeezed juice. I made a big batch of chili last month and it’s in the freezer. Those plus tea are what I’m living on. Unfortunately, the tylenol prescription will continue for 2 days after the biopsy, but I’m going to my parents on the weekend so hopefully my mom will take pity on me…

    • KateMiddletown :

      This is probably what Uber Eats is legitimately used for! And FYI Brueggers bagels does all their soups in a Qt size, so even though it’s not super nutritious I lived off their chicken noodle when I was sick in college. (+ they sold day old bagels for like $1 a bag.)

  19. Skin check? :

    I have not had my skin checked in a while and should probably go — I’m Mediterranean and wear spf everyday, but still would like to go for all the reasons stated in the above threads.

    My question is – I am getting married in May and am wearing a strapless dress. Is it …wrong to wait until after the wedding to do an appointment? If I have something removed, I wouldn’t want a scar. On the other hand, if there was something wrong that required removing, I would want it removed and treated asap. As I’m writing this, I am thinking I should just schedule it now. Thoughts?

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      Well, if derms in your city are anything like mine, they book months out for a full body skin check (as opposed to your standard 10 minute acne appointment), so I’d just go ahead and see what their schedule is now.

    • I would just try to do it ASAP. Normally, any scarring from a biopsy fades pretty significantly after a few months (I have some that are a few years old that you can barely even see now). I wouldn’t go within a month of my wedding or honeymoon, in case you need stitches, but other than that, you’re fine.

    • Just do it now. My husband almost always gets moles removed when he goes in for his skin cancer checks, and most of the scars are hardly noticeable.

    • KateMiddletown :

      Schedule now, you won’t likely get in for a while, and unless it’s urgent you won’t get a procedure for a while (at my office they schedule biopsies separately.)

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