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We've talked in the past about “my lips but better” tinted lip balms and as the weather gets (slightly) warmer I find myself reaching for that old stalwart, Clinique's Black Honey. So, first, a whole-hearted recommendation for it: it's affordable, it's the perfect light wash of red, it's not too sticky or drying or annoying, and ultimately it's just that perfect weightless lip balm with a hint of color. Second, some Qs for the readers — what are your favorite makeup stalwarts that you reach for, year after year? For those of you who like MLBB tints — what is your holy grail product? Pictured: Clinique Almost Lipstick
{related: beauty empties — the products we finish and buy again and again}
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2019 Update: We're adding this tinted balm to our Workwear Hall of Fame because after years it's still around and getting rave reviews.
As of 2024, these are some of our favorite MLBB tints (“my lips but better”) — a super easy office makeup look! Also check out this $20 option from Amazon; it's a great Dior Addict Lip Glow dupe. Other recent favorites, both very affordable: this NYX gloss, and this Peripera glowy tint.
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Housecounsel
This is a truly amazing product. I just wish it didn’t disappear so fast.
Housecounsel
Oh – and the products I buy again and again include Nars blush in a name I am not typing out because moderation, but you know it. I am never without a Bobbi Brown stick foundation.
Aggie
That blush and the balm with the same name by Nars are in constant rotation for me.
Anonymous
Same. I’ve bought “that” color in the duo with Laguna bronzer probably easily 5-6 times. I am also very loyal to my undereye concealer (also Nars – creamy porcelain) and power (It! CC powder). Mascara changes every time.
The original Scarlett
From a buzzfeed article, this is a perfect dupe
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000P1A7O8/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00
Anon
My products that I buy over and over:
Trish mcevoy mascara (tubey 4 lyfe!)
Laura mercier sheer lipstick in healthy lips
NARS stick blush the multiples in g-spot
Stila liquid liner
SSJD
A few months ago there was a thread about what you read to get you in the mood for gardening. I cannot find the thread–can anyone direct me to it by date? Or share a few titles if you don’t mind rehashing the topic. Thanks.
Anon
Not something to read – but check out the Dipsea app. I haven’t subscribed yet but I’ve been enjoying the free stories. There are only 3 or 4 available for free though. So far so good!
Ellen
I think there is no one right answer to get into the mood, other then to make sure you are able to stomach looking at a guy without his clotheing on. Also, it does not hurt if he has clean teeth and does not smell, especialy if he wants you to do stuff. Finally, you want to make sure he satisfies you first, b/c most men I have been with are only interested in taking care of themself, and when that is over, they roll over and over, and poof, that is all. FOOEY on them, b/c I get virtually nothing out of all that, and you MUST train men to take care of you FIRST!
anon
I’m the rare person who can’t wear Black Honey. It is weirdly harsh against my skin tone, even though it’s a lightweight lipstick. My forever go-to lip color is Loreal Infallible in Sangria. On me, rose > red.
nutella
Saaaaaaame this looks so ugly and brown on me.
Anon
Yes, Black Honey looks horrible on me. I am very fair with pale skin.
Anonymous
Same. Black honey looks kind of goth-like (to my eye) on me. I need something that’s much rosier.
Lisa
Ditto. MLLB for me is Bare Minerals Matte Lipstick in, wait for it, Boss.
Anon
It looks terrible on me and I am a light-skinned indian person.
Anon
I’m so surprised by these comments. I’m about as pale as can be (like if foundation comes in a 00 rather than just a 0, that’s my shade) and I have bought and not worn black honey more than once because there’s just not enough color. I simply cannot imagine anyone looking goth in it. It’s hardly there!
Anonymous
This is also my experience, as a fair skinned brunette; Black Honey has no more color than plain Chapstick on me.
anon
Okay, so I’m a giant color and makeup nerd– those of you who it looks brown on have too cool of a skin-tone for it, and should be wearing cooler toned lipsticks for a more harmonious look.
And our individual body chemistry affects how lipstick looks on different people, which is how two people with similar coloring can look different in it. I “eat darkness”, so a lipstick color that looks vampy and dark on someone else looks more medium on me. I also don’t find black honey to have much color that sticks around.
Also: there is no such thing as a universally flattering color and it makes me super mad whenever a makeup company says that. No, we can’t all wear ruby woo. I have soft coloring and features and when I wear it, I am totally lost and you would see lipstick before you saw my face. Someone with strong, high contrast features will look much better in a color that bright. /soapbox
anon
Totally agree that there is no such thing as universally flattering. I’m a light-skinned brunette, with skin that leans toward the cool side. I don’t have much contrast in my features. Black Honey absolutely looks goth on me; I have no doubt that it barely shows up on others!
nutella
That’s the funny thing – I’m solidly olive-toned but and wear pinky-brown colors but this lip color just doesn’t have enough pink in it and ends up looking … really ’90s and dated and somehow old on me. (Not in the goth/vampy/dark way, just in the brown-everything way.) But yes, I agree with you that no color – or even formulation – is “universal.”
Anonymous
Does anyone else find Clinique products too vivid? I bought one of those blush sticks and it’s way too bright. If you have the same problem what brand do you favor instead?
Shoes q
Question to budget shoppers. I used to go to Macy’s about once a year and get two or three pairs of shoes that would last me the year and sometimes beyond (sandals, boots, loafers). I’d buy athletics shoes separately on an as needed schedule. I have lately (last 3 years?) found that the shoes only last a season at best. Most of the time, they look terrible by mid-season already and need to go to the cobbler. I have found this to be the case despite spending more and more on shoes ($40 a pair 10 years ago, $100 a pair now). I am sick of trips to the cobbler, sick of looking for shoes and sick of my shoes looking like crap. What should I do?
Anon
What type of shoes? What kind of brands are you buying? What is your commute like? (Meaning are you walking miles in them daily)
Shoes q
I walk about 2 miles a day (and have done so forever). I’ve bought a few Skechers, Steve Maddens, Sam Edelmans, and more recently Bass&co, Com&Sens and 1. State (generally comfort with a touch of trend brands). It seems they’re just getting worse and worse and look terrible within two months, despite regular polishing. Like, the leather will just start peeling, the heel reveals that it was actually covered with a thin layer of something that came right off, etc. These problems are way more expensive to fix than regular scuffs. And I still have shoes from the 90’s that look great with occasional resoling (from the long defunct Hillard&Hanson brand, as well as Antonio Melani, which unfortunately rarely puts out leather shoes anymore).
Anonymous
Is it possibly the way you walk? Do you touch down really hard or otherwise walk unevenly? Do you have only 1-2 pairs of shoes?
Because I also have Sam Edelman and Bass in my regular rotation and they look barely used. I walk about 3 miles a day and have Sam Edelman and Bass loafers on alternating use all of the last 3 years. I may have to resole and polish my Bass loafers but they are very much alive.
Anon
Shop by quality of the brand not the price. Some brands hold up better, despite being made of similar materials. A crappy $40 shoe is just as crappy as a crappy $100 shoe.
Shoes q
Do you have any recommendations please? How can I tell if it will hold up?
Anon
Bass Weejun loafers. Classic and nearly indestructible.
Housecounsel
Buy better shoes,but last season’s, at Nordstrom Rack. That’s what I do.
Shoes q
OK – thanks for this. I will try it this year! How do I know the shoe is better? I generally look for leather upper, hopefully stitched on at least at the front (which is actually getting almost impossible to find), and a heel that is something other than covered/fake stacked because those wear off in minutes, and, obviously, comfort. What else should I look for?
Anon
I’m the Bass Weejun recommender from above.
For me, it’s a sturdy leather upper, solid sole, preferably stitched. That might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I wore work boots for 20 years before transitioning to an office job. Sneaker-type soles are not good for long commutes or hours on your feet.
Other brands that have been good to me have been Merrell, Birkenstock, Frye and Dansko (though I don’t love the way they construct their heels… once it’s worn, the shoe is done).
For truly heavy use, Made-in -the-USA Red Wing, and the Made-in-England Dr. Martens can’t be beat. On a relative budget, Georgia is good.
Anon
Justine Leconte has a nice series about how to spot quality (shoes, bags, clothes) on her youtube channel – recommended!
Cat
If you’re wearing the same 1-2 pairs daily for 8 months, rain or shine, they are going to take a beating regardless of price point. I expect to replace my daily commuting flats every year or two for this reason, and that’s only 20-30 minutes of walking per day.
Rainbow Hair
Yup. The idea of “if you spend a lot they’ll last you forever” (they say “buy high quality”) is a scam. If you buy a LOT of expensive shoes and rotate between them, maybe. But any shoes you wear every day for months… they’ll get worn out. I just buy cheaper shoes so I’m not sad when they’ve fallen apart in 8 months.
Anon
It can be true that higher quality shoes will last longer AND that wearing the same shoes every day means they’ll eventually wear out no matter how good or expensive they were.
Rainbow Hair
In my experience, with daily wear, “good” shoes last maybe 1.5x, maybe 2x, the time “cheap” shoes last. But I can get cheap shoes for 1/10 the price of good shoes so…
Anonymous
I agree w/Rainbow Hair on the math. I’m sure it would be more ecological or sustainable if everyone got higher quality shoes that lasted a little longer, but it’s far more economical to get the cheaper ones.
Go for it
Shoes for work live Under my desk. Shoes for commuting are much more sturdy. I’ve been using clogs for five years. Recommend Keens too. The Saratoga are good for summer- no open toes to get gross in NYC either
Anon
Buy higher quality shoes.
Interior Design Advice
I have fallen in love with a light cream colored area rug for our bedroom. My partner and I are expecting our first child in December. Is this purchase a silly idea?
anon
For your bedroom? Probably not. Just be strict about no eating if you aren’t in the kitchen. I have light colored carpeting and a 4 year old and it’s fine but we are strict about only eating in the kitchen or breakfast room.
Ellen
I wish you had written this when I was dating my ex. He was such a pig, eating everywhere, and dropping food all over my rugs, staining them and NOT even trying to clean up after himself. A word to all of the ladies– do NOT let men eat food except in your kitchenette, or dining room. Otherwise, your cleaneing lady will just tell you to replace your carpeting. FOOEY!
Anon
If you EVER have red wine in bed (we do – are we crazy?), it’s just a disaster waiting to happen. But that’s the only thing that’s ever been a problem in the bedroom, the baby stuff will hopefully be taking place elsewhere/away from the rug even if it’s in your bedroom. Kids don’t start actively trying to get into your bedroom until about 3 (at which point – you may want to store the rug).
Never too many shoes...
Not crazy – I love night wine.
Anonymous
I mean, could something happen? Sure. We have light carpets though and our dog is a much bigger risk to them then our kids. I don’t think having kids makes having light colored carpets any different really. They show wear more, but that’s not really kid dependent. And most kid messes are either somewhat intentional (marker on the carpet) or gross (bodily fluids on the carpet) and those aren’t less damaging on darker carpets.
techgirl
We have cream carpet throughout the house bar the entry hall and the kitchen (live in the UK where it’s the norm). No kids yet, but we’ve had parties where red wine/beer has been spilt on the floor along with the occasional accidents of coffee and cranberry juice. With a good carpet cleaner on hand, you wouldn’t know.
It’s also a rug, which is easier replaced then a whole carpet. I put a light rug under my makeup table, as I’d rather replace the rug then re carpet the bedroom! I’d go for it.
Mpls
+1. It’s an area rug. You can probably rotate it at least once if you have stains to hide, and then replace it easy enough if it comes to that.
CoastParalegal
I have a Ruggable in my living room and will get one for the dining room. They are $$$ and not plush, but I love being able to wash the dog, kid, wine messes away. They have 10% off 3-4 times a year.
SSJD
Giggle glossimer by Chanel was my lipstick for more than 10 years, but they discontinued it last year (or thereabouts). I have bought two other brands/colors but still miss Giggle. Anyone with a good replacement suggestion?
Anon
Check the dupe directory on Temptalia!
anon a mouse
I like the fresh tinted lip balms. The plum is similar to the Black Honey above. I also like rose for summer. I especially like that they have SPF.
Anonymous
I’m interviewing for other jobs, and I’m feeling bad about my work that will be shifted to colleagues who are already swamped. Tell me not to worry about it? We’re a small team and I genuinely like everyone.
Anonymous
Don’t worry about it!
Senior Attorney
Don’t worry about it. Business is business.
pugsnbourbon
Please don’t worry about this. I know someone who has been in an underpaid, thankless job for almost 10 years because she is so loyal to her supervisor. Don’t be her.
Elegant Giraffe
I’m on the other side of this right now. I get it. You found a better opportunity. Good for you.
Anon
That’s your manager’s concern. Literally, your manager is paid more money to handle things like this.
Anon
+1
Anon
This! So much this! Your company is responsible for filling the space you leave.
Anonymous
Hugs. It’s hard when you’re a caring people and you like people, to know that something you’re doing is going to make life harder for them.
Go ahead and do the job search. Stop “worrying” about it in the sense that it’s not your problem to solve. Be grateful, instead, that you’ve had such great coworkers; it’s a real privilege to be feeling the way you do about the people you work with, instead of thinking they’re so toxic you can’t wait to get away from them. Do your best to wrap up your projects so your coworkers aren’t dealing with chaos. Thank them for being so great to work with.
And remember this: no matter how many times I was told “this place couldn’t function without you,” every time I left a job it did, indeed, continue to function.
Also this: if, when you leave, your role won’t be rehired but instead your work just farmed out to people who already have too much to do, then there is something seriously wrong with your workplace. You staying won’t solve whatever that problem is. Your coworkers will have to deal with that problem, whether you stay or leave.
Niamh
Anyone try to glossier generation g lipstick?
I want to try it but am nervous about buying lipstick online without being able to see it in person.
Debating between crush, zip, and jam. I am fair skinned with auburn hair. Any suggestions?
kk
I can’t wear black honey UNLESS I’m wearing eye makeup. I’m blonde, with blue eyes, and the tint of black honey is too much contrast for my face, without mascara, brow pencil, and maybe a little eyeliner.
My favorite is the jane iredale ‘just kissed’ lip tint- I got a tiny one in a birchbox years ago and it lasted forever- so I’ve been buying one full size near my birthday every year and using it all year. It’s not technically vegan, since it contains beesewax, but it’s otherwise cruelty free.
LaurenB
My sister looks great wearing Black Honey – she has very dark hair (almost black), dark brown eyes and a darker complexion. I’m much paler / fairer-skinned and it doesn’t look anywhere near as good on me.
Equestrian attorney
My go-to is Clinique chubby stick in cherry. I also really like the Make Up for Ever Artist Rouge in “natural red”, but it’s strangely hard to find.
Coworking
Does anyone use a coworking space? Do you like it? I’m transitioning to a work from home job, and I think I will go crazy working from home. My in laws also live with us for several months a year, so I don’t see working from home as being fun or practical.
My reasons for using one are to force myself to wear clothes and get out the house, to be productive, and meeting some people would be a plus.
SSJD
I have been using a coworking space for several months. I found a nice place with a good mix of people and a very nice vibe. It helps me to feel like a person out and about in the world whereas otherwise I’d be in my house a lot. It’s not the same as going to work though, because I’m not collaborating with people here and I’m not building as many friendships. I think it’s much better than just going to a coffee shop. I have learned peoples names, discussed restaurants, babysitters, etc. There is some camaraderie and socializing.
Coworking question
Thank you! This is very helpful and I appreciate it. Do you have a private office or are you sitting in open space? And if the latter, does it get loud?
SSJD
I sit in open space, and I do not have a dedicated desk (though some people do). I sit wherever there is an open seat when I come in that day. That said, it was important to me to have the option of renting a locker/drawer. I keep in it a keyboard and mouse, fleece for cold days, some toiletries, and other things I like to have available at the office. This has worked very well for me.
It only rarely gets loud. Some people wear earplugs, and though I’m a big earplug wearer, I haven’t had to resort to that at the coworking office. There is a phone room where I go for my phone calls, and there is also a conference room where people go if they are having a conversation for more than a few minutes. If you are sensitive to other people’s typing noises or voices then I recommend noise canceling headphones, ear plugs, etc. The truth is, it’s no worse than when I worked in an office with cubicles/open seating.
anti
My very corporate job sometimes has my teams move to a WeWork for a few weeks at a time. I absolutely hate it. Maybe other spaces are better but it’s definitely a looks nice but not easy to work in environment. Lots of glass and hard floors, no acoustic elements whatsoever – even with totally closed doors and through walls people will talk and it sounds like they are sitting right next to me. And the common area is all open space with loud music and people playing games/not working at all hours of the day. If you like a more relaxed space, that’s probably a good an option, but if you’re more straightedge/corporate like me, it’s hell. Dogs are allowed – while the vast majority are well behaved but there are some that snarl/fight with each other. SO yea. I’m anti and really wish we got to work from home during those weeks. I would significantly prefer a library to this – also note that a lot of public libraries have rooms that you can book for calls, meetings etc – so between that and their common spaces, that may be a free alternative!
Anonymous
Wow. I would hate that! My co-working space is silent, and no one would even dream of playing music. We’re required to use a sound booth for phone calls. People will take food outside to chat, or occasionally the owner chats with someone in the little kitchen area, but you’d have to really tune in to overhear. It’s a lot quieter than a library or a coffee shop, and the energy of a bunch of people focusing makes it easy to stay on task. It sounds like it’s important to visit a co-working space in advance to see what it’s like.
AttiredAttorney
What style/cut of jeans are you wearing to work for casual Fridays or at “dress for your day” casual offices?
IHHtown
I think this is heavily dependent on your own shape, but for me (short long legged pear), very slight boot cut or straight leg. Skinny jeans if I’m wearing a tunic style or other nonfitted top.
Anon
I like lighter-wash straight leg jeans or boyfriend/mom-style jeans and tops tucked in with either style. Also, frayed edges and (subtle) rips seem more current, YMMV on your office of course.
Anon
Skinny, dark wash
Vicky Austin
+1
Inspired by Hermione
This, or black.
Anonymous
Bootcut forever!
Anonymous
I’ve transitioned back to some of my boot cut ones and am so, so happy about that.
LaurenB
The ones that look best on my figure. For me, that’s skinny jeans; for others, it’s bootcut.
Madewell
Dark wash, high-rise Madewell jeans with booties.
Anononon
My husband and I just got back from a vacation where there was a lot of walking and he complained about his feet hurting all the time. He wears converses in large part because he’s had terrible trouble finding shoes that fit. The main issue is his foot is shaped like a triangle – narrow heel and VERY wide toe box. I feel like most shoes are designed to have the ball of your foot be the widest part (with toes going back in slightly, so the overall shape is more like a diamond), but for him the toes are the widest part. He usually ends up going for a wide shoe and even then sizing up, so his toes are not as close to the front of the shoe as they should be. He has big-ish feet to begin with, so sizing up often means going to a 12 or 13 when he should probably be more like an 11.5. Does anyone know of a brand that would be good for his triangle feet? He’s in tech, so he doesn’t need very fancy shoes. Nice looking sneakers or other casual shoes are fine. Thanks!
Anonymous
Johnston and Murphy has wides up to I think 4E.
Idea
I am always the commenter who says, Go to your podiatrist and get custom-fit orthotics. But really. Please do this.
KS IT Chick
My DH has similarly-shaped feet a size or so down. He’s been wearing Merrell low (ankle) hiking boots. The last time, he bought Oboz, and he’s commented how comfortable they are. We’ve found it worthwhile to go to a real shoe store and get him measured, rather than trying to guess at a lower price point.
Anon
Try going to the Walking Company and having a sales associate discuss options.
Anonymous
I would just search Zappos based on his width. I have wide feet and online shopping is generally much easier as wide widths are very hit or miss in stores. A number of decent brands have wide widths for men including Merrell, Clarks and New Balance but if he’s triple wide or higher, there is less selection.
Anonymous
Converse is about the worst shoe you can wear. Absolutely no arch support. Focus not just on width but arch support(or put in some vionic insoles), and it will make a ton of difference.
rosie
Keen, Ecco
Sutemi
My husband with a similar foot shape wears Altras, the Vali with the knitted upper in particular.
OP
Thanks guys. I think chatting with a shoe store associate and/or podiatrist is probably the right move. In the meantime, will also check out the brands above. He’s traditionally looked for wide shoes, but that just means that the shoe accommodates his toes but is huge on the back half of his foot.
Anonymous
Sketchers!
Anon
If he doesn’t mind running shoes for everyday use, Saucony Omni ISO in wide.
Pep
Maybe the Danish brand, Duckfeet? They’re unisex, and offer boots and sandals.
Anon
Your husband’s feet sound like they are actually healthy and how feet are supposed to be shaped. Converse are pretty narrow. (And don’t have a ton of support, but I don’t think of that as a bad thing.) I would research “barefoot” and “zero drop” shoes. They tend to be made to allow toes to splay more naturally. Altra, Lems, Softstar, Vivobarefoot.
Mented
For those readers who are not tan to fair skinned who can’t wear these sorts of products, Mented has fantastic various nude lipsticks that are somewhere between a sheer and a full coverage lipstick. Mented’s entire brand is focused around true nudes for all skin tones (with a heavier focus on tan and darker skin tones). I have three shades and love them all.
JTM
Thanks for this review! I just got one of their foundation sticks and I was curious about their nude lipsticks.
Anon
I’m having some communication challenges in various relationships and I need help handling them. How do you handle differing communication styles in friendships and relationships?
Example. A group of friends mentions in person that they’re interested in traveling together to an upcoming wedding. I send an email to the group suggesting which flights to book so we can all book together. Three out of four people respond right away either saying “I’m in” or “go ahead and book without me.” One person does not respond at all.
So we send another email the next day asking her to let us know if she’s in or out. No response. At the end of the day, we say, let us know if you’re in or out by tomorrow because flight prices are going up. Still nothing.
Finally we just book. Then we see her in person a few days later and she just… doesn’t mention it at all. Starts talking about something totally different and acts like we never contacted her.
Saying something seems like it would be calling her out on going MIA. But isn’t she the one being weird for initially expressing interest and then just ignoring repeated emails to opt in or out?
Example 2. New Bumble guy seems to want to text on and off all day while I’m at work. We’ve been out once. I just can’t muster the energy to talk to him when I barely know him. I find it exhausting. But I feel like I’m being a jerk if I don’t match his level of contact and enthusiasm. I’m thinking about just saying, “Hey, I’m away from my phone a lot during the day” or something so he doesn’t get offended. And it’s true! I am just not that available for nonstop texting about how I’m doing. I would be available if we were more emotionally invested. But not yet, not after one date. At this point I just want to know when we’re going out again!
I guess I just need scripts for how to deal when people are either too invested or not invested enough in whatever kind of communication is happening.
Anonymous
Example 1 – shrug – is this a big deal? She was probably busy and didn’t notice the email/figured not replying made it clear she wasn’t interested.
Example 2 – just say “Hey, I’m away from my phone a lot during the day” – nobody texts constantly all day long. Tell him you’ll text back after work. Not a big deal.
Anon
#1, I think you handled it fine. Her behavior sounds a little odd but if it was a one-off thing I’d assume it was something she didn’t want to talk about (like a sudden budget crisis) and I think moving on and pretending it didn’t happen isn’t *that* weird. Fine for you and the other friends to go ahead and book the trip, as you did.
#2, I don’t think you did anything wrong here either. If he wants to text all day every day after one date, he might not be the guy for you. Seems fine to say you’re away from your phone all day, especially if it’s true.
Anonymous
Example 1 – seems weird but you did your diligence on trying to include her, so I’d just let it go and not worry.
Example 2 – I think you can temper the communication but letting time go by before responding (4-5 hours or even the whole work day). If you want to keep getting to know him, you’ll figure out if your texting styles are incompatible.
Elegant Giraffe
I think you’re being a bit more technical/black-and-white about communication than most people are. For the first situation, idk I guess she decided she doesn’t care if she flies with you or not…so the rest of you should just book the flight you like. She doesn’t seem like she’s giving it much thought so no need for you to either! For the second situation, maybe he doesn’t care if you don’t respond. Does it bother you if he sends you updates on his day? Maybe reply once at lunch and once in the evening and that’s it. You’re not being a jerk. I wouldn’t address it at this point with him but YMMV.
Anon
+1 OP, you are WAY overthinking both of these scenarios.
NOLA
There was a guy who kept trying to text me during the day and I was too swamped (at that time) to even respond beyond that I was too busy to chat. I texted him back on that Friday night and he didn’t get back to me until Sunday morning, when I was in rehearsal. I had a crazy busy Sunday and, like you, couldn’t muster the energy to chat with someone I barely knew. I finally told him that I didn’t think our schedules were compatible. I just have no time for that. Not sure what to say about the friend. I guess she didn’t care enough, so you just move forward with plans without her.
Anon
With example number one obviously her non-answer is her answer. Why would you call her out on it? You got a very clear answer from her.
Anon
I’m not the OP but because it was a bit rude of her to not respond. Not terrible, but still, she could’ve responded that she wasn’t interested, especially after someone else on the thread did just that.
Anon
I like the Wellpeople lip tints.
anon
Any recommendations for a date night dinner during a weekend in NYC? Anything but steak! TIA!
Ms B
Dirty French if you want scene, Esca if you do not, and Jean-Georges or Momofuku Ko if you are feeling spendy. I hear good things about Le CouCou, but have not been there myself yet.
One of my best date nights ever in NYC with The Hubs: french fry walk – we hit Pearl Oyster Bar (shoestrings with lobster roll), Pommes Frites (Belgian with dipping sauces) and The Breslin (triple fried, with assorted pork items on the side). Lots of romantic strolling between locations.
Anonymous
For as long as I can remember, I somaticize stress. Headache, stomache ache, body aches…all from moments of crisis, which makes it harder to work and causes more stress. Any tips to avoid this?
Anon
Yoga. Meditation. Frequent massage. Anything body healing. I have this problem as well and if I don’t manage stress well, it causes some serious health issues. Autoimmune issues, etc. I have had to move to a less stressful job for the sake of my health. My therapist seemed to make it sound like some people are just more somatic and we can try to alleviate it as much as we can, but there is only so much you can do.
Denver
Looking to meet somewhere for a girls’ weekend in July, coming from Denver and New York. Any thoughts?
Anonymous
Chicago? Bourbon trail KY? Wine country Virginia?
Anon
Bourbon trail!
Anonymous
Toronto or Chicago? Both have solid theatre scenes and great restaurants
Anonymous
Chicago. Easy cheap flights from both places.
Anon
What’s your priority? Food, alcohol, scenery, etc.?
Denver
This is all great! Thanks all. No real priority, but already had been thinking of Nashville, New Orleans, or Chicago. Just semi concerned about the heat in all those places in July!
Anon
Chicago is nice in July – the lake keeps things really breezy, and even days in the mid-upper 80s are comfortable, imo. Nashville and NOLA are a different story.
NOLA
Not New Orleans in July.
Rainbow Hair
Nashville? Louisville?
Anonymous
Nashville may be a popular response, as it’s mid-way, but it will be hot as you know what in July.
SC
I’ve been to Nashville in August, and it was better than New Orleans in July or August. Nashville was hot (maybe 85-90 degrees), but not humid, and we spent a lot of time outdoors for the 3 days we were there and enjoyed it a lot. Maybe we just got lucky that particular weekend?
Honestly, I’d vote for Chicago or Minneapolis or Asheville. Then Nashville. Not Nola–all my family and I do in July or August is go to the pool and complain about our AC bill and dream about vacationing anywhere further north.
Anon
I live in Nashville. You got lucky that weekend. It is consistently hot and humid here in July, but it is not *always* hot and humid, like it would be in NOLA. I also think it is something that depends on where you are coming from– 85-90 + humidity does not seem like a lot for someone from the South but would for someone from the Northeast/PNW.
pugsnbourbon
Cincinnati – airport is a Delta hub, Reds games are fun, surprisingly pretty, funky neighborhoods to explore, and Over-The-Rhine is walkable and fun nightlife.
Denver
Chicago it is!! Thanks all. :)
bellatrix
I’m almost embarrassed to say this because I’m much older than their target demo, but Glossier’s Generation G lipsticks are great for this. I wear Like (“a light, cool pink”) and it’s just a shade or two darker than my natural lips. Casual but polished. It’s matte but not drying, which is perfect for me.
Marriage question - Who is the cow NOW? :)
Someone on the earlier thread from today was cautioning against letting her boyfriend move in without a marriage proposal. The catchphrase ‘why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free’ was referenced.
I am a single, relatively high-earning and financially secure woman. If anything, the men I have dated have driven home the idea that I have little to gain and a lot to lose by getting married (community property state) – irrespective of whether children come into play. Having a man around the house is lovely – but not at the cost of my finances and freedom, doing more housework, etc. – so if a man wanted to get engaged/married as a condition of his moving in with me, I would thank him for his company and show him the door.
At what point does the man become the cow? At what point does marriage not make sense for an independently successful woman?
Monday
Great question. Another factor I will throw in is age and/or medical problems. I have noticed sometimes that with older couples who are dating, a legal commitment is more in the interests of the man than the woman if he is older and likely to require care by a spouse at some point. A younger, healthy woman may want to live together without taking on that degree of responsibility, especially if she feels used in that dynamic.
Anon
Call me crazy, but you get married because you love the person and want to build a life with him.
Signed, yes, I earn more than my husband and have more earning power (attorney versus professor)
Ellen
I agree. I do not look at men as the cow, more like the saddle that we use for our needs. Women do not need to marry men to get s-x, but we do need men to help support our families when we stop working. So there still is some need for men, but not as much as when we women did NOT work outside the home. Now that we do, we can really be selective if we want a guy to have s-x with each and every day, which is not that much of a draw to me anymore.
Anon
I think you’re projecting. Yes, that “cow milk” analogy is old and sexist. However, some people are not only a bit more old fashioned, even the most progressive person is perfectly sensible in wanting engagement or marriage before moving in with someone – they are giving up their home, their solitude, in some ways financial security (ex. if they share a lease or mortgage). The fact that you think someone requesting that of you is a horrible thing to the point you’ll break up screams commitment or financial insecurity issues and indicates why you’re single. Chill out and get thee to therapy.
Senior Attorney
I think the cow in any given relationship is the person who wants to be married.
And P.S. it’s possible to get married and contract out of the community property laws.
Vicky Austin
No Bull(s) Allowed.
Anon
Or… why should you buy the bull when you can get gored for free
anonshmanon
+1. The person who is more keen on being married has to be the cow in this analogy. It seems like you are looking at marriage mostly from the legal/property aspect. That doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t commit emotionally to a partner if you ask me. Just be prepared others to place various meanings into the idea of marriage.
Anon
I didn’t want to live together before marriage because I thought it would make breaking up too difficult. I’m loyal to a fault and pretty lazy. If change is complicated, I go with the status quo. I didn’t want to live together until I knew it was forever. In my case, we lived together post-engagement pre-wedding for about 6 months since I had to move to his state anyway and at that point, paying two rents was crazy. We closed on a house right before our wedding. My “old fashioned” rules rubbed off on my husband and we decided we’d wait to move into the house (as in sleep in the house) until after our wedding/honeymoon. It was actually so great. I have such fun memories from that time period and the anticipation we had of really starting our lives together.
Anonymous
Why buy a pig and clean the sty just for a little sausage?
:-)
Ellen
VERY little sausage! Fooey! I do NOT even like sausages, even if they are Koshered! :-(
The original Scarlett
I always preferred why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage ….
Anon
Do you care if your husband has female friends? Do you insist that he copy you on communication with said friends? My husband is having a fairly technical private email discussion with his cross-country female friend of about 10 years (they are in the same industry; we’ve been together for 15, for reference). I was aware and fine with this until she sent an invitation for an event to my entire family but through him. I know her well, she has my information – why not include all parties on the invite? Am I crazy overreacting? Or am I crazy blind that I’m allowing this friendship? I do trust him completely, but my feelings are hurt and I’m so lost :(
Anon
My husband has female friends (close work colleagues who have become friends) and I’m fine with it. He obviously doesn’t copy me on communications, since half of them are about work stuff that would be weird. I do think I have different boundaries for opposite sex friendships than a lot of people here. I wouldn’t be ok with my husband discussing anything s*xual with a female friend, or venting about issues, however trivial, in our relationship. Frankly, I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about him discussing this stuff with ANY friend – I’m a big believer in the idea that in a marriage, anything in the bedroom and any relationship issues should stay between the couple – but it would be a much bigger issue if he were oversharing to a woman than a man. I also wouldn’t be comfortable with him sharing a hotel room with one other woman without me there. I’ve been called a prude for that here, but most of my real life friends feel the same way fwiw.
In this situation, I think it’s a little weird that she didn’t include you on the email, but I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it or see it as a reason not to trust him.
Housecounsel
I think you’re crazy overreacting. She sent an email invitation intended for your entire family to him because it was easier. I would read absolutely nothing into this. I can’t imagine “insisting” that my husband copy me on any communications, with anyone. You say you trust him completely, but something sounds off to me – not with his communications but with your reaction to them.
Anon
+1. Most of my husband’s female friends don’t have my contact info, but even if they did, if he’s closer to them than I am, I leave all the social coordinating for him. I don’t need to be cc’ed on it if I’m invited (and frankly as the person doing most of the social coordinating in our relationship, I love when I’m not involved every once in a while).
Anon
Maybe I’m taking out on him my frustration with her? I’ve been fairly accommodating and had her as a guest for multiple days on multiple occasions. For standard reasons, the brunt of hosting is on me. Possibly that makes me feel like I deserve the respect/ acknowledgement of being a contributor to this friendship with a simple email cc? I clearly don’t even know how I feel about this.
Anon
I get it. I’d feel a little slighted in your shoes, but not jealous at all. You can be hurt that she didn’t contact you directly without thinking there’s anything improper going on with your husband. I think the “Or am I crazy blind that I’m allowing this friendship?” question in your OP is a bit of a red herring and people are going down the “you have no reason to be jealous” path when what you’re really saying is you’re hurt that someone you thought of as a friend didn’t reach out to you directly.
Anonymous
Nope, all of those are problems with your husband not her. If you don’t want to take on the burden of hosting deal with the issues in your marriage not her.
Anon
Agree those are husband problems. “For standard reasons” what does that even mean? That your husband won’t help you host? That’s a you and him problem, not a her problem. Tell your husband to grow up and pull his weight.
Anon
I think it would be very weird if any men were expected to share hotel rooms with female coworkers. Beyond that, I don’t think you can keep your husband from talking about his relationship and life with his friends. I would draw the line at the details of one’s s3x life because to me that is private, but that’s sort of a facet of picking the right person to be in a relationship with – someone who has the same feelings about privacy that you do.
Senior Attorney
This. I trust my husband to be appropriate in his discussions with all his friends.
I have occasionally been irked when an email invitation to both of us is directed only to him, but that’s almost entirely because he’s not as on top of the calendar as I am. It wouldn’t occur to me to be jealous and I can’t imagine feeling “so lost” over such a thing.
Anonymous
Do I care? No. Although to be honest my DH has grown apart from his two closest female friends since he married me and they each got married as well. He definitely communicates with them individually though (each individually and then the 3 together in a group text). I have been copied on emails where all 6 of us (the original 3 friends and each of the spouses) have made plans together, but I would think it was weird to be copied if their husbands weren’t. I’m not checking up on him any more than their husbands on each of them.
Wow
Yes, you are seriously overreacting.
I often send an invitation to only one person in the family, making it clear that the whole family is invited. I don’t do this if I’m sending an email but if I’m sending an invite through Paperless post, I do this because 1) the more email addresses you have to send, the more you have to pay and 2) I don’t want both parties to RSVP and be double counted, so I always send to the person in the family I know better.
anonshmanon
This. Have you never received an invite that includes your husband, but wasn’t addressed to him?
Ellen
I would be carful of his female freinds who have had s-x in the past with your husband, as they occupy a special place in his heart, if only b/c he has seen and done stuff with them that others have not. Otherwise, it’s fine. I have male freinds I have never had s-x with and wouldn’t want to, so females who are now with them should not care, but some do, primarily b/c I am still attractive, and they see me as a threat, even tho the thought of me haveing s-x with their men is really gross to me. FOOEY! But we must live with our friend’s limitations, including jelous girlfreinds.
Anonymous
To be 100% honest I don’t love it but I trust him. He works primarily with women. And sometimes goes for runs at lunchtime together. One work friend gave us a lovely gift after our baby was born. Things that would make me uncomfortable would be frequency of contact – like is he distracted by his phone/texting a lot and evening socialization that excluded me. I wouldn’t be crazy about him going for a drink in the evening because that’s time away from our limited family/couple time. Popping out to a coffee shop for lunch together doesn’t bother me in the same way.
Vicky Austin
I don’t think that’s anything to worry about. She invited you to the event! That’s not the action of somebody who has something to hide from you. Take five, twenty minutes, an hour to be mad and sad, and when the time is up, move on.
Anonymous
Sounds like you’re overacting. Seems normal to extend an invitation to a group through the person you know/speak with the most.
Anon
Oy I’d be in such trouble if my friends’ wives didn’t let them have casual emails with me. I work in a male dominated field (math related) and have texts and emails going constantly with current and former coworker friends that are both friendly and mathy. Your insecurity over this is ridiculous.
Housecounsel
I have a friend who thought it improper that a woman sent her husband a game request on Words With Friends. If this is infidelity, I’ve been having an affair with another friend’s husband for years, and improved my vocabulary to boot.
I do understand feeling slighted when you’re the hostess/social director.
Anonymous
You’re friends with Karen Pence?!
Housecounsel
That’s hilarious! No lunches or business meetings and no Words!
Anon
I’m the mathy person above. Your words with friends story made me laugh and reminded me of a situation I had like that with one of my female friends’ husband. He friended me on Facebook and started commenting and making total dad jokes on everything I posted.
I thought it was a bit over the top but didn’t think much of it until I saw her at a social gathering. She said, “can I talk to you about your friendship with my husband on social media?” I immediately thought I was in trouble. Then she said, “I’m sorry he’s such an embarrassing nerd. Feel free to ignore him.”
THAT is a good friend!
Anon
Aww that’s pretty sweet :)
Elegant Giraffe
I think you’re overreacting or there is more information that the rest of us don’t have.
Anon
“Do you care if your husband has female friends?”
No, and I hope he does. In fact, we met through one of his female friends (who is also my friend). I had a problem with one particular woman, but that woman basically said that she would go for my husband if she weren’t married *and* has a rather weird history of inappropriate relationships with married men.
“Do you insist that he copy you on communication with said friends?”
HELL no. If I were at the point of asking to be copied on communication, there would be so many other problems that it wouldn’t actually solve anything.
Gail the Goldfish
No, and definitely not. It’s not infrequent amongst our friend group, male and female, that someone only sends invitations to one-half of a couple. I wouldn’t read anything in to that at all, other than perhaps laziness.
Anonymous
I think it would be pretty weird to send an invitation to a whole family to all the individual members of the family.
I’d be a better friend to a lot of men if “communicating in any form without supervision” didn’t so clearly make their partners uncomfortable.
I don’t worry about my husband’s friends. If I were worried, in my relationship that would be the tip of an iceberg that would need addressing far beyond “stop texting her.”
Vicky Austin
Oh yeah, +1 to your first paragraph. You’re attending as a unit, husband is the unit representative she’s closest to, boom, done.
Anonymous
Could one of your love buckets be empty? Could it be that your love language is quality time or words of affection and you feel like she is getting more than you are?
My husband and I semi-regularly talk with our first spouses about our formerly-shared pets or to share stupid memes we know the old spouse would appreciate, etc. We both also have colleagues/old friends we’ve known for years that we text/message with sometimes. It’s NBD.
Anonymous
You’re crazy overreacting. You’re telling me every time you’ve invited one of your friends and her family to a party you’ve also personally invited her husband? Absurd. You clearly don’t trust him. No I don’t make him copy me and I’d leave him if he asked me to.
Anon
I mean yeah, if I’d stayed over at her place for 10 days a year with her husband explicitly rearranging his office space to make sleeping accommodations for me and taking on the majority of housework and childcare so I can enjoy the company of my friend, I would sure as hell include him on the invitation (at the very least to make a good impression so he’d be willing to do it again), doubly so if the party involved international travel with said children and I had multiple email threads with his contact information, all containing exchanges of similar nature. I can see that the details potentially matter on this one.
Anonymous
Omg you’re way out of control. Fix your marriage. She ain’t your problem. Maybe handle your internalized misogyny at some point.
Anon
Omg you’re way out of control. Fix your marriage. She ain’t your problem. Maybe handle your internalized misogyny at some point.
Anon
I think everything is so dependent on who each of the people are. I have way more male friends than female and many I met through my husband or my male dominated field. One of my husband’s friends is very handsome and the two of us have a ton in common. For that reason, I use some caution that I don’t with some of the other friends. If I see a funny meme he’d like, chances are my husband would like it too so I text it on a group text to him and husband. If I were in his state solo, I would get a hotel over staying at his place, just to not tempt fate.
Other male friends, I do not find at all sexually attractive and I take less precautions. I’ve actually shared a hotel room with one of them prior to an early morning hike. Another, I crashed at his place during a bad snowstorm and slept on the couch rather than commuting home.
That said, I am making a real effort to try to connect more with the wives of my male friends. I could certainly use more female friends. In reality, this is hard because most of them have kids (we don’t) so the guys tend to come over to hang while the wives are home with the kids. Yes, I can see why that in and of itself is an issue too.
Anon
I vote overreacting. Wanting to be CC’d on communication makes you sound like a micromanaging boss, which I doubt is the dynamic you’re going for in your relationship.
Explorette
From what you have said here, I’d go with overreacting. There might be more going on that we don’t know/ didn’t pick up on from your post. I don’t think it is at all weird that an invite would be sent only to one person. This happens all the time in my life. The idea that someone would insist on being copied on communications between friends would be a sign of serious mistrust and other major problems in the relationship.
Anon
OP again – thanks everyone. I think Anon @ 4:52 is correct – I’m lumping things together. Primarily, my feelings are hurt that this person who (I think) should care about and consider my opinion is not including me on communication that involves me and our kids. Secondarily, I’m feeling a little left out (which I guess is a type of jealousy, but not the romantic kind) that the conversation between them apparently isn’t just about math-things. Which I guess is what friends are for and I should get over it.
Anonymous
1- you’re being a dramalama she literally invited you
2- maybe you need more friends!
Anon 4 this
I am possibly too late to get feedback but I need some help!
I am a middle manager and today got some feedback that a bunch of the staff got together to say that I am hostile, they are afraid of me, they don’t learn from me, etc. my boss told me that while she thinks a lot of this is not what I intend we need to figure out how to work on my delivery in order to change the perception. Do you have any resources (books, videos, etc) on how to change this? Sometimes when I meet with staff I don’t know how to find the middle between “we are under a lot of pressure and need to deliver” and “oh you’re right, I totally made up that deadline and it doesn’t matter that we didn’t do any work for the client”. Also, I used to work for someone who did not set a good example of this so I don’t have someone to emulate and my boss is not local. Thanks!