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Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Blue Crossbody Bag: MZ Wallace 'Lizzy' Nylon CrossbodySomething on your mind? Chat about it here. The crossbody trend continues to go strong, and I like this one from MZ Wallace — it looks lightweight and large enough for your regular wallet. (Some of them are too small for more than your phone and lipstick, honestly!) This looks like a great bag for weekend errands and other casual outings. It's $345 at Nordstrom. MZ Wallace ‘Lizzy' Nylon Crossbody Psst: happy MLK day! If there are any good sales we'll round them up; in the meantime we'll see you on Tuesday. Here's a great quote from the man himself: “Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.” (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

254 Comments

  1. I get that people use cross-body bags for hands-free ease. Sometimes, things don’t stay on my shoulders, even my cross-body bag. On a recent ice skating outing with my wobbly children (at a place with no lockers), I resorted to an LL Bean fanny pack that seems intended for day hikes (so it holds a lot of snacks as well as purse items). It was fantastic! Gracefulness was more Tonya Harding than Nancy Kerrigan, but it was completely awesome for functionality.

    1. Well yeah, I can’t imagine anyone skating with a cross body bag. Strange that there were no lockers.

      But I assume you’re reporting this because you had a moment where you thought, hey this fanny pack is great, I’m going to start wearing it all the time! And you want to ask a bunch of internet strangers if that’s ok.

      And the answer is no, it is not ok.

      1. For me, bum bags would be totally fine when worn by someone in charge of small children. It’s functional! But any ‘fashion’ ones look silly to me; it’s a functional item so just own it (like hiking boots)

      2. Fanny packs are coming back! They are totally okay.

        But, you should probably be a quasi-ironic early/mid-20s hipster/want to be fashion icon to pull it off though, otherwise you’re just a mom with a fanny pack.

      3. The North Face Roo fanny pack was actually fairly popular gameday attire among sorority girls at my big football school about 10 years ago (not a Southern school so there was no fanny pack + dress going on).

    3. I’m in favor of running belts for times like these – it goes under your clothes, so if you wear something looser-fitting, no one is the wiser!

  2. Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open Threads. This schlepper is cute also, and in NYC, you MUST have a cross body strap, especialy when you are walkeing on the street b/c there are peeople that steal your handbag’s if they are NOT secure by running by you and grabbing on the strap. My freind Rita lost a Coach bag and bruized her knee when some guy grabbed hers on 96th and Lex just as she was goeing up the stair’s from the Subway, and he ran right by her. FOOEY! It is very dificult to look cute and be safe in NYC under DeBlazzio’s regime. I say bring back Bloomberg and stop and frisk. DOUBEL FOOEY on men that steal purses. DeBlazzio also is taking the HORSE Carrages off the Street. TRIPEL FOOEY!

    I am bakeing apple pies tonite and bringing them to mom for her birthday. I hope she appreciate’s all my hard work, even tho it is no good for our tuchuses. YAY!

    1. I concur. My sister had her laptop bag (with laptop in it) stolen from her as she was waiting for a local train at West 4th Street. This is normally considered a safe stop in an OK neighborhood, but thieves travel the subway too, and they grabbed her bag and jumped on a northbound express. She was unable to provide a decent description to the police, as there are hundreds of miscreants who look alike that prowl the subways in search of helpless victims like her. She had all of her class work on that laptop and that had to be replaced at her expense.

  3. What nice things can I do for a friend who lives far away whose mom was just diagnosed with terminal cancer? She is someone I think of as a very close friend (we’ve been friends since middle school, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, we get together every time we’re in our hometown at the same time which happens ~once a year), but we don’t really talk much in between getting together. We exchange emails once in a while, but not regularly. She hasn’t been sharing the news widely (her mom was diagnosed over the summer and she told me when I saw her over the holidays and said she hasn’t really told anyone else). I know her mom relatively well but am hesitant to send flowers because I’m not sure I’m supposed to know she’s sick (my MIL had cancer and was incredibly secretive about it and didn’t want anyone outside of immediate family to know, so maybe I’m overly sensitive about that issue). My friend lives overseas so going to visit her isn’t really an option, otherwise it’s something I would strongly consider. Would love ideas for how I can be there for her without calling/texting regularly since that’s not our relationship (and would be complicated anyway by the fact that she’s not in the US).

    2. I would send her a card to let her know you are thinking of her and then text a little more frequently then you normally do just to check in with her. I have a similar friend (close, but geographically far away) and I feel like I really leaned on her when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. We hadn’t skyped with each other much before this, but it was nice to be able to talk to her about everything. She was very good about talking about other stuff too when I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

    3. Flowers are not the right response here. Sending a heartfelt note to your friend saying that you are there for her is the right thing to do. Do it via email or snail mail, but just let her know that you understand that she might need you. Flowers are nearly macabre–people send flowers at death and it’s weird. Don’t send flowers.

      If you were close with her mom, and it’s OK to let her know you know, a really nice note about a fun time you had together, and that she is in your thoughts.

      I say this as someone who dealt with a terminally ill mom. No flowers.

    4. I also find flowers macabre. Except the 1-800-Flowers Happy Hour flowers that are shaped like alcoholic beverages. Those are the flower I sent to friends in crappy situations – floral martini, floral margarita, even the floral beer mug. They’re so fun.

    5. I experienced something similar, though with a friend with whom I am normally in contact pretty regularly. I sent her random packages once in a while of things for her (sounds like that might not work for you, since your friends is overseas). I also made a conscious decision to email and text more. I didn’t call, since we don’t talk on the phone that much (maybe once every month or so), and because that requires the person to be ready to take your call right then. I tried to email and text about random things, not just “how’s your mom, how are you, thinking of you” etc., but more things that could lend some normalcy to her life. She lived with her mom during this time and was one of her primary caretakers, so that may be different in your situation too. She also told me that it was really stressful to her that people wanted to help with meals (which she said would be great) but that they would make it complicated, like asking what everyone wanted, trying to coordinate times for drop off, etc., and she said, “All I want is someone to tell me, ‘We’ll drop off dinner at 5’.” So I ordered food for them – I am in a different state so couldn’t just drop something off – like the Zingerman’s reuben sandwich box – and said, “Dinner tonight/tomorrow/ is on me” so she knew to expect it but it didn’t add any extra work. I also sent some Harry & David fruit baskets/snacks because she told me she didn’t feel like she was eating healthy enough and was stressed that she was gaining weight and feeling out of shape since her life was so taken up.

      Anyway, just some ideas for you. She basically wanted to know people were thinking of her but in ways that did not create extra work or stress for her. She was tired of people asking “what can I do” because that was more work. And then, after her mom died, it was important to continue reaching out – most people drop off with their support at that time, but it’s when it is really needed. Anyway, my $.02, which were in part influenced by me asking another friend whose mom passed before I knew her what was helpful/harmful to her in that situation.

      1. Yes agree on food. I have found delis with takeout nearby and ordered gift certs for them, told them it was at counter waiting. They loved it, could pick up whatever wanted. Make life easier not harder. Not everyone has time/emotional energy to talk it out. Flowers could be awful depending on person… it’s not a congrats or mourning. It’s dealing with illness. Best answer: ask her. Ask her what would help and listen to the answer. We don’t choose this option enough.

  5. I’ve had many friends (and read tons of news stories) about people moving from SF/bay to Seattle. Is it really paradise without the horrendous cost of real estate in SF? Am I a dunce for not making the move?

    1. I have friends who have moved from the bay to Seattle (and other places, including Austin TX and Raleigh NC). My friends who have moved there enjoy it, but I don’t think it’s that similar. For one thing, the weather is very different (especially compared to the south bay) so if the perpetual sunshine is something you love about the bay area, Seattle could be tough. If you like the bay area and can afford to live there, why move?

    2. I live in Seattle, but have not been to SF. From what I’ve heard, real estate is slightly less bonkers than SF, but still pretty expensive/full of bidding wars. I went to an open house this weekend down the block from my house, and the agent there said that they had already had 4 pre-inspections and were expecting lots of bids. This house was 3 beds, 2 baths, in a nice but not super desirable area, and the house was listed at $525,000.

      WA doesn’t have an income tax, so a similar salary from SF to Seattle goes farther up here, which is also a positive. I love being close to mountains and ocean, and I have a decent commute that doesn’t have terrible traffic, but I lucked out in having a reverse traffic commute.

      If you’re in tech, there are lots of opportunities. If you’re considering it, come visit Seattle, preferably in the winter so you expect the lack of daylight and short days. I don’t think its necessarily a paradise, but it is a nice place to live!

      1. So do you think the 3/2 for $525k is expensive? I can’t tell from your comment. That house is half the price of what it would cost here, if not a third.

        1. It’s a little more expensive in my neighborhood, which is mostly smaller houses. I don’t know what the final sale price after bidding will be. I would guess it’ll end up being around $600k. In a more desirable neighborhood (closer to downtown), the same house would probably go for $800-900k. That seems expensive to me, especially for first time home buyers to save up the down payment.

          Basically, I’d guess rent and housing prices are about half what they are in SF, based on my very limited knowledge of neighborhoods and cities in SF. I think you run into a lot of the same issues in the real estate market, with lots of bidding wars, all cash buyers, and buyers waiving contingencies to make their offer more attractive. There is not a ton of supply. If you’re interested in more of the nitty gritty, Seattle Bubble and Seattle Curbed are both blogs that discuss the local real estate market.

        2. My take having house-searched both SEA and SF is that it is 3-6 times cheaper here depending on location for comparable places. I know that’s a wide range but it’s definitely more than double. Eg I sold a 4-bed walkout penthouse condo in a downtown popular neighborhood here for $600k. Would be somewhere from $1.8-2.5 million in SF. My current house $550k would be hard to say, where can you get 100ft of waterfront in a charming craftsman in a good school district down there? At least a few million. I have long thought it’s more ‘democratic’ here in the housing market because the geography enables more views- more water bodies, more mountains = more housing with cool features.

          2. reply to Anon also in SEA- don’t be jealous of the insane maintenance and upkeep! it’s been a ride… esp solo… not ordinary in any way, the good times are exquisite in the home, the bad ones are very stressful, scary and expensive!! got an old super charming place knew it had numerous issues. and i lose entire summer weekends to weeding seriously. but I do really love it. somewhat in boonies, but i work in renton, so works for me for now. was a very lucky find despite the challenges- after a 2 yr post divorce search that was very, very bleak otherwise.

      3. Anon- the market is crazy, agree, I had to look for 2 yrs before getting my current home in that range- but the cost is super low compared to SF. My house in 500ks would be multi-millions there. Or in other words, I wouldn’t have a house, I’d live in a crap rented apartment with no view on a major road or other hideous drawbacks. As I did in SF and NY prior. It’s competitive here, but our housing price range is still a huge deal compared to most major cities. On travel I look for fun and it is astounding all over- Montreal, Dubai, Tokyo… Seattle is just still way cheaper than most globally known cities. We are lucky, even though it is a lot, it is relatively way more for our investments.

      1. Wow. That was a simultaneously fantastic and horrifying article. Thanks for sharing.

    4. It’s not the Bay Area, but real estate is still pricey and pay for lawyers is typically below market (and significantly below what you’d see in SF) with a few exceptions, even at large firms.

    5. For me, yes it is. I lived in NYC, SF, Miami, DC, etc. I came here 10 years ago and love it. I have my own lake house with a separate studio, treehouse etc. It’s ridiculously awesome. For a price that would be insanely unreachable elsewhere, half-million range 1.5 yrs ago. The weather is fine for me. I have a community that’s much closer and warmer than in the bigger cities (were for me). I weigh leaving, because of the jobs in Silicon Valley, but between the income taxes and housing, would have to consider those short-term moves only. My lifestyle quadrupled when coming here and it’s hard to imagine going backwards without a really good reason. Seattle’s not perfect- transit is the worst part, it’s dysfunctional- but that’s most of America. Most of it is fantastic. The culture and outdoors are outstanding. Feel free to email or even come up on and get in touch if you want to check it out! At least in tech there is a ton of work here right now depending on what you do, so in some ways it’s a right place and right time scenario, CA has that too, just double or more the cost. Recruiters here are starting to try to keep pace with CA- it’s a spillover competition thing- so on balance it is on par subject to specifics of course.

  6. I’m wedding planning and after the rambling, noncoherent answer I just gave to a wedding vendor, I realize I need a better, more concise answer to the question “how long have you been engaged” and to the question I’m sure will come once we start telling people (or I start wearing a ring), “how did you get engaged?” I don’t have a concise answer because there really isn’t one–BF and I have been together forever (like more than a decade) and, being the least romantic people on the planet, at some point decided we should get married and in order to do that, we had to plan a wedding, but there was no grand gesture or definite “hey, we’re engaged’ moment. How do I concisely respond without sounding rude (Because “a while” sounds a little curt to me) or prompting a million followup questions I don’t really feel like answering every time?

    1. When did you get engaged?

      Respond with when you decided to start actively planning a wedding

      How did you get engaged?

      We decided it was time!!

    3. Why can’t you just say you’ve been together forever and finally decided the time was right? People ask for crazy proposal stories, but the lovely realness of this is something you should own, not wave away.

    4. My partner and I have been together for 7 years and when the time comes I will likely be in the same boat you’re in now. My suggestions:

      1) “How long have you been engaged?” How long have you actively been planning the wedding? That’s probably the easiest time frame to give.

      2) “How did you get engaged?” “There was no big moment; we just decided now was a good time for us.”

    5. In that case, I would use the point from when you started actively planning your wedding. Perhaps the date when you set a date, or made the first concrete plan or reservation, or got a ring. Something like that. It’s not like you have to celebrate that date, or will get asked it again after you get married. My husband and I had been together forever before we got engaged, and while he did actually ask me with a ring, it was not even remotely romantic (we were sitting on my couch…) and I absolutely knew it was coming that day. I don’t even remember the date.

    6. For when – just pick a date, or say “about a year (or two)”. Family can get the same answer, or the long rambling one (depending on how much you want to share).

      For how – “Nothing flashy, just a conversation about formalizing the status quo”.

    7. I’d just say “We’ve been together x years.” in response to “how long.”

    8. I think the best response depends on why they’re asking. If they’re just making small talk, I agree with the commenter above who says to make up a date and go with it. Pick a memorable one like an anniversary so you’ll remember it, and if they ask about the details that makes fudging a backstory a little easier too.

      If they’re asking because it is somehow relevant to the service they’re providing (building a wedding website and need to write the “how it happened”? trying to figure out timeline for when things should be done?) then I agree to say when you started actively planning.

      1. I hope no one is actually hiring someone to write their engagement story for their wedding website.

        1. I hope not either, but I was struggling to think of why this is “need to know” information for anyone so the examples are a stretch. I assume it’s that they’re just making small talk, so the first paragraph would be the applicable one.

          1. OP here: No “need to know” for vendors, but I’m sure some family will think they need to know every detail, whether they do or not, and then proceed to silently judge for the lack of exciting details.

          2. Unfortunately true. For those people, I’d make up an incredibly elaborate story just for fun and to test how gullible they are.

      2. Yeah, I got a few side-eyes when people realized I didn’t have/want an engagement ring. And I’m sure we got judged for not having an Exciting Proposal Story, but…IDGAF really. Everyone has a wedding opinion, it seems, so if it wasn’t this, it’d be something else. Just do it your way. Side-eyers will side-eye.

    9. Had the same issue! No proposal, we had just talked about getting married for a while and finally decided to actually move ahead with it. Also no engagement ring. I got pretty used to just answering, “We talked about it over Christmas and decided this was the right time.” And when asked for a proposal story, I pretty much said the same: “We talked about it and decided this was the right time.”

    10. I was in the exact same situation as you. My responses were as follows:

      Q: “how long have you been engaged”
      A: “Since December” (which was when we set a wedding date)

      Q: “how did you get engaged?”
      A: “Oh, we’d been talking about it for a while and decided we wanted to get married this summer” (we didn’t do a ring or a proposal, so there was no “story” so to speak)

      I give similar responses to anyone who asks about the proposal or the ring (“oh, we didn’t do a proposal/ring”).

      I was straightforward and low-key about it, and everyone acted like it was normal. But, yeah, I sympathize with the difficulty at the beginning before you’ve figured out exactly how much information makes sense to give about your thought process.

    11. My husband didn’t officially propose to me until two hours before we got married. I never got a ring – because I did not want one – I would rather have

      1. A fancy Simple Human trash can
      2. A nice trip to Paris
      3. A paid-off mortgage

      We talked about it and then we bought a house together because of timing issues with his divorce and then had to be married before the end of the year for tax purposes (I was unemployed).

    12. As a young child, so excited by all of the big deal Disney movies and the like made over weddings, I asked my mom how my dad proposed. “We were sitting in Taco Bell and one of us went ‘we should probably get married’ and the other one said ‘yeah, that makes sense’. I don’t remember who said it first.” While this was very anticlimactic to me as a young child, I now love that story and hope I one day have something just as boring. If it matches you and your personality, I say just own it.

      1. +1! We decided to get married while loading the dishwasher in our apt. kitchen after a small dinner party. No ring — by choice. We just told people we got engaged over Memorial Day weekend (roughly close).

        (And for anyone who asked, I just said I didn’t want a ring and would rather spend that kind of money on a honeymoon. Which we did!

  7. When I make a reservation for a massage appointment, is it weird to request a massage therapist who doesn’t talk a lot? I don’t like to chat during massages, but I know that’s not universal (for example both my MIL and my DH like to talk during massages). I’ve found myself laying there, naked on the table, wishing that the therapist would just please stop trying to make conversation. And then at that point, I really don’t feel comfortable being straightforward. I’m making an appointment this weekend for a massage at a fancy new spa, so I don’t know any of the therapists and can’t request one by name that I know will be quiet.

    I’m normally a pretty extroverted person who doesn’t mind chatting with strangers, but just not when I’m trying to relax! I just want to turn my brain off.

    1. That seems like a super reasonable request to me. And also it will give the therapist a heads-up that you prefer being quiet.

      1. This! You’re telling the spa what you are looking for up front. You’re helping them out! It’s not weird at all, and the receptionist will be glad for the assistance in making you happy. That’s how fancy new spas get regular customers.

    2. You are paying for a service. Making an easy and simple to accommodate request when making an appointment for that service is not weird at all. You can also say something when you meet the therapist, like when they ask what you are looking for that day (i.e. relaxation, deep tissue etc). I understand not wanting to speak out while naked and on the table, but don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.

    3. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. If you feel weird being straightforward, though, you could ask for a quiet atmosphere instead of making it about the person. “The best way for me to relax is to have a quiet atmosphere; could you please assign me to a massage therapist who can create that experience?”

      1. Thanks for the script! I was having a block about how to word it, but that’s perfect.

      2. I disagree – that could lead to no music rather than her desired request. Seriously, how hard is it to say “I don’t like to chat during my massage?

    4. I think it’s fine to say to the receptionist you’d like someone quiet. And it’s also fine when your therapist asks you in the beginning what areas they need to focus on to throw in, “Would you mind if we kept it quiet during the session? Thanks.” Throw in a joke about talking too much in your daily life if it’s your style :)

      1. This is helpful helpful script too – I’ll keep that in mind to use with the therapist. Adding the joke at the end about talking too much is perfect for me. I don’t know why this particular social interaction has been tripping me up; yay for the internet assistance/reassurance. :)

    5. I have always done this as prefacing it with (in a sleepy, quiet voice): “I can’t wait to relax! I like to zone out and may even fall asleep, but don’t worry I’ll let you know how pressure is and then just sit back and let you tackle those knots!” It sets the tone for quiet without cutting someone off.

  8. Insurance drama, because of course.

    I got into a car accident on Wednesday, and now of course I’m dealing with the insurance companies. Looks like my insurance carrier believes it’s the other driver’s fault, which is awesome, but when we called the other driver’s insurance company today they couldn’t find any record of her. Her car isn’t registered in the state she lives in, and her name isn’t associated with any policy with the carrier she mentioned. And the officer didn’t get her policy number (I did ask “don’t I need her policy number?” but the officer insisted I didn’t and I know better than to argue with an officer of the law). What could be going on here? Will she get in trouble for fraud since her car isn’t registered/insured where she lives? What might happen if the insurance carrier she claimed to have can’t find a policy associated with her registration number?

    At least all the claims reps I’ve spoken to so far have been really nice.

    1. My state requires uninsured motorist coverage – do you have that? Assuming she truly isn’t insured, I would assume that would be your only coverage.

    2. truly worst case, you probably have uninsured motorist coverage. It’s required in many states.

      They may first try and contact the other individual in case she has new or different insurance information. In an accident once, I wrote down the wrong carrier because I forgot we had recently switched (and both companies had similar looking cards). Either the police or the other party contacted me for insurance information which I provided.

      Another thought- is it possibel she was driving someone else’s (ie her mothers/grandmothers/friends) car and gave their insurance card (maliciously or even heat-of-the-moment-brain-fart) and didn’t mention it?

      I get easily flustered so in each of our cars, we have a sticky note on the registration card that says “TAKE PHOTOS OF BOTH CARS AND ALL PAPERWORK, GET CONTACT INFO” as a reminder.

      1. I do have that, thankfully. I didn’t even consider that she might have switched insurance, but a police officer filled out an information exchange form with the registrations we gave him.

    3. Argh, what kind of incompetent officer was that? After 3 car accidents in 3 years (none of which were my fault), I now have a little form in my glove box where I can fill in all the blanks and make sure I have all the info the insurance company will ask but I might forget to take note of in the post-accident adrenaline rush. Other driver contact info, car info, insurance info, road conditions, exact location, time of day, weather, traffic, speed I was traveling, speed limit on that stretch of road, witnesses, etc. I highly recommend it!

      I hope at least you have the other driver’s true identity! This really isn’t your problem. Worst case, she is an uninsured driver, and you probably have insurance that covers an accident with one of those (it’s required in my state). She, on the other hand, may get in a lot of trouble.

      I hope you are OK, and good luck with everything! If you have no t done so, and this was any more than a minor fender bender, I strongly recommend that you make an appointment with your doctor, even if you feel fine or are just a little sore. If you end up with stiffness that requires PT, it will help you immensely with the insurance claim process for that to have an initial doctor visit on record.

      1. In hindsight I should have asked her for all of her insurance information while we were waiting for the police, but I didn’t have a pen or paper in my car.

        1. Your cell phone works well for this. Take a picture of her plates and insurance card, and/or use the Notes app to type in information and save it. Or e-mail it to yourself if you’re concerned about the Note getting deleted.

          1. +1. I was in an accident a few months ago and just snapped pictures of everything. It was awesome and so easy.

          2. When my kids got their driver’s licenses, that was one of the first things that I told them to do. Take a photo of both cars from several angles (safely, of course) showing the position of the car and the damage and a photo of the other driver’s license and insurance card.

            My daughter’s first accident was caused by her 2nd grade teacher! That was a weird coincidence. My son’s was a hit and run where a bystander left a note with the hit-n-run vehicle’s plate number. (Yay Good Samaritan!) So he took photos of the damage and the note in situ in addition to calling the cops.

    4. Do you have the name and phone # of the person who hit you? Just call her, and ask. Then call your insurance company, and let them take it from there.

      Accidents are very upsetting and it’s easy to get flustered. Try if you can to get all the info yourself. Just take a picture on your phone of drivers license, insurance card, and car damage (both cars).

      1. Honestly, I would not call the person who hit you, directly. I’m not a lawyer or in the insurance business, but I think it’s best in this situation to provide all of the information you have to your insurance company and let them handle it. Your insurance company will need to contact the other driver, anyway, to get her official statement of what happened.

        1. I’m inclined to agree. And I don’t have her number, anyway. I don’t want to harass her.

        2. +1 You have filed your claim with the insurance company, so your work is done, unless they ask for some follow-up information. I imagine they’ve run into a similar scenario and know how to track down what they need.

          1. I have State Farm Insurance. Twice I have been involved with accidents with other drivers where incorrect or misleading information was given at the time of the accident. State Farm made no effort to track down the driver, and asked me to pay my deductible. Since the loss wasn’t large, they were not going to bother with tracking down the other driver. Since I didn’t want to get stuck losing my $500 deductible, I did some searching on the internet and tracked down the driver in one of the cases, and called the driver in the other case. When I called State Farm back with the information I obtained, they were surprised in both cases and acted like I was Columbo or something….

            What the hell, do your job.

    5. See if the police report is up yet and get a copy. More details may be in there.

      She may have been a driving a car owned by someone else (so the owner’s insurance would be what governed). But good that you have UM, UIM coverage (uninsured/underinsured).

    6. I’ve had 3 accidents, none my fault, none where the driver had proper insurance. Twice they gave insurance information but for whatever reason weren’t covered under that information, once the driver had an expired registration, expired license, and no proof of insurance. That driver got a ticket at the scene, which was noted in the police report. In my state, the Insurance policy number is noted on the police report as well. I understand not arguing with the officer at that moment, but you should follow up with the police department. If nothing else, for a copy of the report.

      Your insurance company will handle this, but it’s likely you won’t get your deducible back.

      1. Definitely follow up with the police department. I had an accident where I was not at fault, and the police officer that came to the scene did a terrible job with the report (said rear end collision when it was undisputed head on, not noting airbag deployment, etc.).

    7. I work in the insurance industry and I would let your insurance company handle it. That’s what they are there for and they will have a much easier time. They will either help you resolve it or pay under your uninsured motorist coverage and still try to recover.

  9. I had a weird thing happen in a meeting yesterday, and was hoping for input from the hive on how you all would have handled it:

    This was a fairly informal meeting with mostly internal resources; me, my boss, two people from IT, and a representative from an IT vendor. The meeting went well, and I am about to get way better data from the vendor’s system than has previously been available, so I’m fairly over the moon about the end result. However, I was the only woman in the room, and the vendor rep was an Orthodox Jewish man. He wouldn’t shake my hand, and he barely looked at me while talking, even though the meeting was all about what I need. I ultimately let it go and didn’t try to shake his hand at the end of the meeting to make up for the omission on introduction. But it’s still bothering me a bit.

    I may meet with him again. What would you smart women do in this situation?

    1. I would respect his religious beliefs and interact with him politely to the extent his customs allow. If that means no handshakes and eye contact, so be it.

      1. +1. This is not a guy saying he doesn’t want to do business with you or thinks less of your professional abilities because you’re a women (which would be a problem even if it were a deeply held religious belief). He simply has restrictions about physical boundaries with women like touching and eye contact and you should respect them.

    2. I wouldn’t do business with that company, to be honest. I find the scenario you described incredibly offensive, not just in a modern business environment but also generally in the world. But I am an atheist and a giant bitch, so your mileage may vary!

      2. +100
        .. Soo offensive.
        But then I think organized religion has no place in a modern, civilized society, and that religion is a delusion.

    3. I would ask the company if there is another rep you could deal with, since this guy didn’t seem to want to deal with you. The vendor is supposed to be trying to impress you and they’re doing a pretty terrible job of it.

      1. You understand his religion limits his interactions with women outside his family? It’s not an issue of not wanting OP as a client. If OP asked for a different rep, when this one is polite and knowledgeable, it would be discrimination on her part.

        1. Of course I understand the religious aspect, but I don’t need to put up with what I see as discrimination on his part and the vendor should know better than to offend their clients. If you can’t interact with me, you don’t deserve my business.

          1. Refusing to make eye contact or shake her hand isn’t discrimination (even if he were her boss, which he’s not). As long as he is treating her fairly and working with her appropriately on this matter, I don’t see anything wrong. If he’s saying “I don’t want to work directly with NYNY , can you give me someone else to work with?” I agree that would be a big problem. But I didn’t get that from the OP’s question at all.

          2. I don’t consider it fair treatment. I consider it very rude. It also makes the vendor seem kind of incompetent – like seriously, you really didn’t think you’d ever deal with a woman in a professional context? Yikes.

          3. Of course it’s discrimination. It may be discrimination for a reason, maybe even an acceptable reason, but it is purely because of her sex, so it is unquestionably discrimination.

            I could be fine with the handshaking, IMO, but the refusal to make eye contact or interact with me would be beyond what I would be willing to accept from a vendor. (If it was just sort of awkward about the eye contact and was otherwise interacting with me, I’d probably just chalk it up to awkward.) I support your right to practice your religion as you see fit, but in some cases, that may mean that you just can’t do that job.

          4. Would you have the employer not hire Orthodox Jews? Or just to deal with their own demographic? Where I live, that would be illegal.

          5. @Lyssa – she said he wasn’t looking at her, not that he wasn’t interacting with her. It would be far more troubling to me if he were directing comments to the men and not to her, but it sounds like he was speaking to her, just looking at the ground while he was doing so. The lack of eye contact is just an extension of the no touching thing and isn’t worse than declining to shake hands, in my opinion.

          6. +1. Cloaking sexism behind religion is no good excuse. If your devotion requires you to ignore 50% of your customers, don’t be surprised if those customers go elsewhere with their business.

        2. There is nothing polite about refusing to shake hands or make eye contact in a business setting, religion or no religion.

          1. +1 Religion or no religion, this isn’t a religious setting. If his religion required you to be a different room, would you still be OK with this?

        3. I live in an awesome place where hasidic Jewish men/Muslims are not legally allowed to ask for male public services (doctors, EMT, even the DMV person). Religion is not a basis for discrimination

          1. Your “awesome place” is discriminating against people on the basis of their religion.

          2. Yup. Just like a religious place discriminates on the basis of sex. I choose to live in the place that discriminates against religion, not sex. I didn’t choose my sex, but anyone can choose how to worship their chosen deity. Choosing to worship with sexist, outdated practices deserves all the criticism that it gets.

          3. Uh, no. It’s refusing to permit businesses and public servants to participate in discrimination on the basis of religion.

          4. It’s not discrimination, the services are available for all regardless of religion. We shouldn’t let people force the government to discriminate about who it hires.

      2. I can’t imagine any vendor considering this to be best foot forward, either. I’ve been in vendor situations and I would 100% choose a different one in this case.

    4. I would really struggle with this, and would likely ask for someone else to deal with. Religion or not, you don’t get to treat me unfairly or poorly because I’m a woman. Period.

    5. Did he talk to you, despite not making eye contact or shaking your hand? Or did he talk only to others in the room, even when you were the one asking questions? Have you emailed/talked on the phone and is he responsive on those platforms?

      If he talked to you but just didn’t make eye contact/handshake, I’d let it go. A little different situation (no religious component), but I have a vendor rep who I’ve worked with for a while who barely ever made eye contact with me. It was a little disconcerting at first. But he’s super responsive to all my emails, and as I’ve gotten to know him over the last few years it’s gotten better (or I’ve gotten used to it). So I’m glad I didn’t let it affect our relationship because now he’s a great advocate for me at his company.

      Now if he talked around me and never to me, and wasn’t responsive my emails/phone calls, I wouldn’t work with him. I would either request someone else to work with if I had to work with that vendor, or I would find another vendor.

      1. +1 I think this is the root of it. If he’s able to do his job, with you – and that does mean conversing with you whether online, on the phone, or in person, and does that in a polite and respectful manner, then I think that is fine. If he deliberately avoids your emails, returns your call by calling someone else, etc., then I think you have a problem. I think it is unfair to say that his avoidance of eye contact/handshake is rude or is, at least, ‘not polite’. It may not be what we are customarily used to, but we should respect customs and choices as long as they don’t inhibit our ability to live our lives/do our jobs/etc.

        2. another +1 here. Do I like it? No. If there was a company with an equal product that was also pitching to us, I’d be more inclined to go with the other company.

          However, all accommodations to his religions beliefs are on him/his company, not your business. For instance, if it comes to the point where you would have a one-on-one conversation with him but he can’t meet with you alone (needs a chaperone in the room) – he needs to supply one, you aren’t going to drag someone else along to the meeting soley for his comfort.

          Can you give it a quick test by emailing him a “thank you for meeting with us today, and here is a quick question?” and see if he responds to you, or if he takes some kind of convoluted path (responding instead to your IT department and asking them to forward to you, for instance) instead of directly responding, I think you have your answer as to whether you can work with this rep.

      2. I agree with Laura. If he still listened to you and addressed your concerns, I’d let it go.

      3. That’s the thing that has been bothering me. For the most part, he talked around me and not to me. Like I said, the meeting was about my data needs from his company’s system, but even when I asked questions or made comments, his replies were directed at others in the room, all men. He would address what I said, but not in the same way he would address what other people said. I left feeling that I would have gotten more out of the meeting if I were a man. Which pissed me off.

        Also, he was fine addressing me directly while we were waiting for the meeting to begin and he was showing me pictures of his daughter who is about to marry. So he’s fine speaking to a woman about “womanly” things, but not so much when it comes to business.

        I can’t influence my organization when it comes to using the vendor – this is a huge multiyear contract which touches the entire business. In fact, we’re implementing a new system with the same vendor currently. My meeting was around data from the legacy system.

        1. This right here- the fact he was willing to talk with you about non-businessey things, would be a massive no.no.no. to me. That is straight up discrimination. I would be incredibly insulted.

        2. If your company has a huge contract with them, reach out to someone else from the company and bring up the issue in a calm and balanced way with the rep. They should want to keep a good customer happy and if they’re a big company, it shouldn’t be a big issue for them to give you someone else to work with. It’s not like it’s a small company and this guy is the only one who knows how the technology works, right? There are probably many other people with his job description in your region who would be happy to work with you directly.

        3. This information turns this from potentially someone working around a religious restriction to someone clearly just being a jerk. He’ll either interact with you professionally or he won’t – and if we was willing to interact with you directly before the business started, then the change in attitude has nothing to do with religion. I was on board with doing a little testing to see if this could be worked around and he was going to do what it took, but now I see that’s just not what’s going on here. Case closed. Move on. And if you need to provide explanation about this to his company or to your own, don’t omit those details on how his level of interaction changed.

    6. This is a tough one. My initial inclination is to respect his religious beliefs so long as they don’t interfere with his ability to do his job well.

      But… I have to wonder, does it matter if the root of his deeply held religious belief is that women occupy a lesser station in life (I don’t know this particular man’s reasoning or the reasoning of the Orthodox Jewish faith, but pose that as a hypothetical) or the belief that women should not work outside of the home.. should I be expected to respect that?

      Does his reasoning for not shaking my hand matter if he does his job well in all other respects?

    7. I know several orthodox men (think Chabad) and while they might come off as cold or disrespectful, they are simply doing what they think is right by their religion. I got used to it as I got to know them better. Now I just know how to get what I want whenever we collaborate without crossing any lines, but I don’t change my personality, I even managed to make a strict rabbi laugh very hard.

      1. Agree with Houda. I worked briefly for an Orthodox firm in NYC. Was key to know their rules. They still worked well with women but yes, touching and eye contact is limited. Wasn’t my favorite, but having since done UN work with Middle Eastern reps etc., I like being able to know how to abide by those boundaries to navigate complex deals. I put my preferences aside. It can be awkward. It is what it is, sorry, we aren’t going to change their course. The ones I worked for had private helicopters for their weekend homes. They paid me peanuts. Whatever though, it was a job when I needed one. So yes it’s weird but if it’s good for your career, deal with it and observe what you can learn about dealing with different types. Some people are just as freaked out by overly touchy chatty types- think of it as exploring coping skills with the full range of colleagues.

    8. I had a meeting with a client (brought in by a partner) who is Orthodox. The partner warned me in advance that the client wouldn’t shake my hand. In what was then a timely quip, I joked, “Ok, I’ll just pretend he has Ebola and be grateful.” But I did appreciate that the client said, I’m sorry, my custom doesn’t allow me to shake your hand. I feel like any mature adult should treat the issue head-on, thereby fronting the point and showing that it’s not a lack of respect.

      1. This would have been appreciated. While I understood that he wasn’t shaking my hand because of his beliefs, I would have felt better if he had said something. Also, it wasn’t just that he didn’t make eye contact – I’m used to working with people who are uncomfortable with eye contact – but that he would not speak in my direction. He had to work to look past me to the others in the room, but that’s what he did.

      2. It’s important to understand that we as people don’t know everything about each other. So if you are going to treat someone in a way that is clearly different from the normal you need to explain the behaviour in a polite way. I had a coworker take about a month to explain his prayer schedule and another two months to explain that he was uncomfortable going out to pubs. And you know what? If he had explained where he was vanishing to twice a day and for a third of Friday and why he was so sullen at work lunches his coworkers would have understood what was going on and we would have tried to make him feel welcome. Instead he made a terrible first impression and we all thought he was lazy and rude.

    9. Let’s say he had asperber’s — would you otherwise be OK with him? Like he’s awkward but doing what he needs to do? Or is it his beliefs that offend you?

      If you call his employer and ask for another rep, are you asking the employer to discriminate (don’t send me any Orthodox reps) on your behalf? This doesn’t feel right. If I had a client ask my employer not to send a woman and my employer did that, that would be actionable, no?

      1. Well- that’s essentially what’s happening here, she is getting lesser treatment because she is a woman.

        This is really hard, regardless of how you handle this someone is going to experience discriminatory behaviour based on a specific trait. Given religion can change and being a woman cannot I’m more inclined to suggest you ask for a different vendor rep.

      2. It happens all the time.

        In my industry it’s normal for certain clients to ask for female and/or indigenous workers. It’s also normal for clients to demand more experienced workers or sometimes workers who are reachable on call or on weekends. Within reason these things are accommodated.

      3. Asperger’s is an ENTIRELY different ball of wax. That person might have difficulty with eye contact and other social conventions, but it wouldn’t be because they were consciously making the choice to do so. It’s unfair to those who aren’t neurotypical to lump them in the same category.

    10. Atheist here.

      This is totally an IDGAF situation for me. So he didnt shake your hand or make eye contact bc of his religion, but he was professional and you’re getting what you wanted out of the meeting, business-wise?

      Would you have been as upset if the rep had been Orthodox woman and she’d refused to shake hands with the men?

      1. She did say in another comment she felt she would’ve received better service if she were a man.

    11. I work with an Orthodox Jewish man and would describe our working relationship as quite close. He also does not shake women’s hands and we would be careful to never be alone in a conference room or something similar together. We’ve actually talked about this situation a number of times in the context of being “rude” at work if he doesn’t shake a women’s hand. He treats me as a peer with respect and speaks directly to me. I

      I would ask the company to not work with this rep again, you deserve respect.

    12. I am not interested in working with people of certain views. For example, I had a coworker once who couldn’t stay in the office alone with me so it limited the ability of both of us to work later or early or on weekends. It was awkward and stupid. Given a choice, I would choose not to work in an environment like that. I am no longer at that company. When talking about someone you don’t work with you have every right to say: send another rep. Happens all the time for all kinds of reasons. You don’t even have to say why.

      1. Her situation was less about the handshake and more about what followed.

        Please read more closely when you choose to promote the effectiveness of your blog… Not doing so makes you seem ineffective and inconsequential.

  10. There’s a helpful r e t t e on here who is currently living on Tokyo – just saw your post on my comment from yesterday about food recommendations!

    I’ll be staying on what looks like the west side (??) of the Rainbow Bridge, across from the Immigration Regional Office (looking at the map). Adventurous eaters, so really up for anything food wise that comes highly recommended! I definitely want to eat sushi while there but that’s not my #1 priority for an evening dinner.

    1. Hmm. That part of town is a bit meh for food, but it is easy to get to other parts of the city.

      For a very local food experience, go to Shinagawa Station then take the Yamanote line to Shinbashi there are lots of small yakitori (grilled meat on sticks) izakaya restaurants. Cheap, lively, and lots of fun on weekends between 7ish and midnight, when office workers stop there to eat before going home. Just go out Shinbashi Station from the Karasumori exit, turn left, and choose any of the restaurants under the train tracks.

      For foodies, I also really recommend Kagurazaka. It’s the French district of Tokyo, and has lots of great bistros. Clos Montmarte is very good for lunch and dinner (lunch 2000yen; dinner 6-8000 yen), but you need to make reservations. In that neighboorhood, there are also tons of traditional Japanese restaurants (ryotei). Torijaya is a good one, specializing in chicken dishes. Maeda is a small restaurant serving prix fixe Japanese course menus. Really good, around 6000yen pp for dinner, but I think they don’t speak much English so you’ll need your hotel to make the reservation.

      For drinking, in Shinjuku the Park Hyatt has a great happy hour all-you-can-drink deal. It’s a fun way to start a night out and a good place to meet people. Also in Shinjuku, near the Kabuchi-cho area, is a Kyoto-style izakaya called ChaCha-en. Modern atmosphere, really good traditional food. Maybe 6000yen per person? And on the 50th floor of the Sumitomo Bldg in Shinjuku, Asahi Sushi So-honten. 6-8000yen per person, very Tokyo Elegant.

      For a very traditional dinner, in the garden of the Hotel Chinzanso (in Shinjuku ward) is a traditional restaurant called Mokushundo. They serve kaiseki cuisine, and dinner is around 8000yen per person.

      Aaah, feeling pretty hungry now. Hope this helps. Happy travels!!

  11. Hoping to buy a car this weekend. Looking for insurance advice and practical advice: how does a person go about getting insurance without buying the car, but has the insurance quickly enough that she can drive home in her new car? TIA!

    1. Talk to whatever insurance company you want to go with and ask them how they handle it. If end up not liking them or find a better rate after you’ve figure out what car you are getting, then switch.

    2. I excused myself for a few minutes after I decided to make an offer for the car and got a quick online quote from Geico (by far the cheapest for my area/potential cars, I’d comparison shopped before). Then I called and finalized after we’d come to terms and were working through the paperwork. I was kind of uneasy about the whole process before (previous non-driver moving from NYC and getting a first car at 30!) but it was totally easy.

      1. Did your dealer not require insurance to test drive? I’m just asking out of curiosity, because the two I visited made a copy of my insurance before we could go on the test drive. I was upgrading from an older car so I already had insurance, but I’m not sure what they would’ve done if I said I didn’t have a current policy.

        1. They don’t/can’t require it and i imagine the dealers have a policy on all their cars anyway. Like PP, I was from NYC, buying my first car when I moved to Va. When they asked me for my insurance, I said I didn’t have any bc I don’t own a car. No one batted an eye or denied me a test drive.

          As for how you do this — call Geico, give them the brand/model of car you want to buy — have them run the credit check, as the questions, etc. and “set” the policy up. Then before you drive off the lot (or preferably from home the morning before you go pick it up), tell them, you have bought the car, give them the VIN number and they activate the policy and email you your insurance cards immediately. Bc I leased, my dealership wanted to see my insurance cards before I drove off — I had them on my phone. (You can do this even if you haven’t narrowed it down to 1 car. When I called Geico, I had the quote for a Mazda but they told me that if I went with a Honda, Toyota etc. — a similar car, the quote may not just at all or just a few cents).

        2. Interesting. It’s the car that’s insured, not the driver. To test drive, you certainly need a license, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me for insurance information.

          1. Technically, insurance follows the car first, driver second. So if for some reason the dealer’s policy was insufficient, the test driver’s policy would pay secondarily.

        3. Huh. I’ve never had a dealer ask for my insurance card, only my driver’s license. I would think that the dealer would carry their own insurance to cover their vehicles.

          1. Well yes, of course the dealer has insurance on their test drive models. They’d be asking for the driver’s insurance as a secondary policy.

          2. Same – the dealer made a copy of my license before the test drive, but they didn’t ask me for insurance information until I was actually buying the car (since I would need to drive it off the lot).

        4. A dealer definitely *can* require proof of insurance or any other condition to a test drive unless it’s a situation where, say, they only ask for it from women and minorities. Whether it’s good business practice to do so is another question.

          Some dealers will ask for it because they want the ability to go after your coverage for any deductibles or gaps in their policy if there’s an accident. And some are just asking because it’s another way for them to get information about you as a customer that may be useful in negotiating. More often than not, it’s the latter.

    3. My current insurance policy covers any new car I buy for something like 30 days (that has been the case for my car insurance policy with two different insurance companies). I have always just called my insurance agent during a lull in the buying process to give them a heads up that I was buying a new car, though. This obviously wouldn’t work if you don’t currently have a car/car insurance.

    4. Before you go shopping, call whatever insurance company you want to use. They’ll set up your acct, give you an approximate quote, etc. Then once you’ve purchased, call back, give the exact details and they email temporary insurance cards so you can drive away. I’ve never driven away with a new car that same day either so more than enough time to set it up.

  12. I am meeting my new team, at a new company, at a social event, for the first time. I start my job a week later. It’s a cocktail party environment, fancy. I think I have figured out the outfit (which was no easy feat), but am now worried about the conversation. You can’t just talk about work, and I don’t want drinks to turn into a briefing, but more personal topics seem weird, too. Stick to current events? Really high-level family stuff?

    1. A few ideas…
      o. Movies. The Oscar nominations just came out.
      o. Hobbies. I’d only use this if it’s fairly mainstream, like cooking or a sport or something.
      o. Vacations. Part of your high-level family stuff idea. Actual vacations and dream vacations are fair game.
      Don’t stress too much! I’m sure it will go just fine.

    2. I’d start with what group do you work in, what’s your background, where did you go to school and how long have you been with the company type things. If people steer you off into more personal topics, go with it. I think they’ll probably have more questions than you will have for them.

    3. I’d pay close attention to where other people steer the conversation. At my company, for example, work talk is pretty much taboo at work-social events like holiday parties. Everyone sticks to “light” personal topics – real estate, the commute, what kids/spouses are up to these days, the Oscars, new tech gadgets, etc.

  13. Thought on the Fitbit HR Charge? I had a Fitbit Zip and gave up on it after it kept dying frequently. I switched to the Misfit and liked it but recently lost it.

    1. I got one a couple of months ago and love it. I wear it all the time except when showering or charging it because I like it to track my sleep. I have no idea how accurate it is, but I’m always just comparing it to itself so that’s fine for my purposes.

      I am a little disappointed in the way it charges and the fact that my battery has never lasted as long as they say. I’ve been charging it about every 3 days.

    2. I tried it on and found it to be WAY too bulky for my arm. That’s just personal preference of course, but I hated the way it looked and felt. I went with the flex instead – losing the extra features was a good tradeoff for something I could actually stand to wear.

    3. love it. have had it since black friday and wear it all the time. When I wore it to my work the first time, I did get comments as I had replaced my watch with it. However, once I realized that I missed my watch I looked for another solution and I turned to the internet as one does in this day and age. I have been wearing it for months on my ankle and find it to be the perfect solution for me. Its reliable for step count (although your heart rate monitoring may be a little off for the first day or so). I swap it back to my arm once I’m at the gym.

  14. Hi everyone, I’m the poster who asked for your imaginations about how you would design your own engagement ring. Thanks to some comments here (I think Senior Attorney who loved Kate Middleton’s ring), I am really loving ovals! Will be trying some on this weekend!

    By the way, I’ve found it interesting that most of my friends never browsed or tried any styles on before proposal. Maybe that’s just me though, because I have found some styles I thought I’d love to look not quite right once on. ((Shrugs!)) Oh well!

    1. Hooray! And so funny… because of that thread I decided to buy myself an upgraded Kate Middleton/Princess Diana replica with my Christmas money from my parents! It’ll be delivered next week and I can’t wait!

  15. PMP followup question-
    I’ve done a lot of project management with a lot of trial by fire training, but only a little bit of formal training (one 2-day class) While I’m not interested in doing my PMP now, I might want to in the future.

    My boss recently bought Microsoft Project and is asking us to use it. While I’m pretty good at poking around and teaching myself things, and I’ve already done a little bit, is there a class or resource anyone can recommend that would help me learn to use project properly instead of just watching YouTube videos and learning back habits? Bonus if the class counts toward the 35 hours of professional development required, but not 100% necessary.

    1. The Microsoft Office guide has examples you can use to play around with the program. It’s pretty straightforward and good to get a feel for the program. I had to use it last semester in my Project Management class. Which version are you using at your office?

  16. Has anyone successfully come to peace that their current position is as good as it’s going to get?

    I’ve been with my current employer for 10 years. I’ve been promoted a couple of times during that time. As the small organization (we currently have about 40 staff) has grown they have hired more staff with professional degrees (think JD, MD, etc.) for roles that in other organizations would be held by people with bachelors and master’s degrees. It has also been made clear that any future positions that are created will be filled by people holding this particular professional degree, and because I lack this degree I will need to be content with my current role. In my industry this sort of hiring pattern is very usual.

    I know I either need to accept that my current position is as high as I am going to go and there will be limited if no professional growth, or I need to suck it up and leave. But, I struggle with leaving because there are so many other things I like about the organization. Basically, I don’t want to leave, but I’m having a difficult time coming to peace with the fact my future professional growth is almost non-existent where I am.

    1. How long do you have to go before retirement? I’m in a similar situation but I have a fairly short time to go so I am cultivating outside interests and definitely sucking it up. (My position is high but not as high as I’d envisioned when I was younger and ambitious.) If you are only 10 years into your career, though, I think you should look into either getting the degree you need or looking elsewhere.

      1. Probably another 25 years. I’m 17 years into my career (I’m almost 40). The degree in question would take 4 years of full-time schooling and I’d probably need to borrow 100-150K to get the degree. As the degree would only be useful with my current employer it doesn’t make sense for me to spend that time out of the work force (part-time isn’t really an option for this type of degree) and take on more student loans. It’s one of the things that I know long-term I should leave, because three of four years from now it will be even more difficult, but I keep hoping I can find some sort of peace and accept the situation so I don’t have to leave.

        1. I don’t think it’s the best idea to give up on advancement less than halfway through your career. Seems like your gut is telling you something you should probably listen to.

        2. On the other hand, there are a whole bunch of people in this world for whom their job is just what they do during the day. The most important parts of their life are outside work. Is that an option for you? Hobbies? Travel? Family? Sports? Is there something you can do to fulfill yourself outside your job so that the professional status quo becomes okay?

          Also: What’s the big downside to leaving?

          1. The biggest downside is the reduction in time off (I get about 50 days of PTO), and leaving good friends and the familiar. My family lives in Europe so having a good amount of time off is important (although I definitely don’t need as much as I have). While I have hobbies and great friends my job has always been the primary source of satisfaction. That is why I struggle because while I know many people would be satisfied with a decent stable job with so much PTO, I just feel like without advancement I’m going in circles.

          2. Leave. I was in a similar situation 13 years in. I made a huge jump and went to a higher position but in a different industry. I have never been happier. I feel like I am more creative and productive than Ive felt in a long, long, long time. It’s like a huge breath of fresh amazing air has come in and made me feel alive. Was it tough leaving the familiar? Not as hard as I thought after a month or so in. I still catch up with work friends I want to from time to time-and now it’s almost better because I’m out of the thick of things. If generous time away is important (to me, it was work at home flex) don’t count it out before you even get to see what’s out there and negotiate. I got flex that I didn’t think any where else would match. Don’t sell yourself short. You don’t have to be a lifer. On a practical note, you also will be giving yourself a broader base to work with should you ever need another job–perhaps something changes at the current company over time that you don’t like (bad leadership, change to a bad boss, shift in amount of work). Coming with more experience (and at a higher level elsewhere) would make you more marketable over the long haul. I wouldn’t discount this current stability vs. long-term better security aspect. And fear of change shouldn’t be more important than shining to the level you’re capable of.

          3. Wow that would be hard to give up. On the other hand I can’t imagine going in circles for the next 25 years.

            Any way to chip away at the degree part time?

          4. Sadly no. It’s not a degree you can do part-time (think similar to med school). And I suspect even I could spent the next decade earning the degree the goal post will have changed. I just don’t think it’s a practical option.

    2. Since you’re a loyal employee, is there any chance your employer would consider paying for or loaning you money for the degree? They may value you enough to do so. Re: loaning, the money could be forgiven $X per year over Y years of continued employment with the company.

      1. I have a similar career dilemma that I posted about downthread. In my mid 30’s, in a job that’s great right now with adequate pay and lots of time off and flexibility, but with no opportunity for advancement or significant raises. I know the fear–it’s a great job now, but will you still feel that way in 10 years, 20 years, etc?

        In your situation, do you have an alternative path in mind? If you change companies could you still wind up being passed over if you don’t have the right degrees? Basically, you know Plan A is the status quo–what are your possible Plan Bs?

        1. If the go to another company I would not be passed over because I do have this degree. I may be passed over for other reasons but not that. If I stay in my industry it will probably mean a cross country move, which adds to the fear of leaving. I could find a job in a different industry bit I’d probably take a 25-30% salary cut (and I’m not making big bucks now).

  17. Yay! Glamour’s February How They Dress on the Job actually featured a Goldman Sachs exec, and showed her lovely but basic sheath dress, cuff, heels combo, NOT culottes and a cropped sweater.

    1. I have to take a look at that. Every time I read a “how they dress on the job” or other professional dress story in a magazine, Pinterest, etc., I always wonder if the writer has ever in her life worked for a professional, non-fashion related organization. How to dress for an interview does not include open toe 5″ platforms and a denim jacket.

  18. My mother is in the hospital. She will be fine but her immune system is weakened. One of her attending aides wears a face mask, we learned today it is because she did not get her flu shot. I don’t know why. I don’t think a face mask would necessarily protect my mother from the flu. She has the shot, but I understand there is a small percent chance she could still get it. I also saw this woman in the hall, and she had taken the mask off her face. Would you ask for another aide?

    1. Calm down. The hospital requires her to wear the mask so she does not catch the flu from patients!

      2. This is not why they make health care workers get the flu shot or wear a mask – it is exactly for the situation faced by OP’s mom – a weakened immune system makes someone more likely to get the flu. OP’s mom has had the flu shot but other patients may not have. A healthy person may not get sick from the flu if they are lucky but they could nonetheless pass it on to their patients. Protecting the healthcare worker from getting it from patients is a nice bonus and helps with absenteeism but it is not why the flu shot and vaccination in general is mandatory in some places for health care workers it is because health care workers deal with vulnerable populations who either cannot get vaccinations or are at a greater risk of serious complications if they do get sick.

    3. If your mother had the shot it shouldn’t really matter, but it’s strange that they let people decline the flu shot and still allow them to work there.

  19. What’s the best way to acknowledge a colleague/mentor’s impending divorce? I don’t want to seem insensitive by ignoring it, but don’t want to put her in an awkward spot by saying the wrong thing (“I’m sorry”?) or making it a topic of conversation if she would rather avoid it. (I don’t know the details, and am not close enough to ask, but am very surprised.)

  20. My colleague is 25. Whenever she speaks in a meeting, she very nearly whispers. She speaks at normal volume other times. It has the effect of undermining everything she says. She’s new in the field, so I understand she’s afraid of asking a dumb question, but I wish she’d speak up for herself! Advice on how to mentor her on this? (I’m a decade older, but not in a position of authority over her.)

    1. I might say, “That was a great idea you had today! You’ve really got this. But, you should speak up a little more – make sure everybody can hear those good ideas of yours. I know it can be intimidating, but your ideas are really smart.” I might also relate back to a personal story about being afraid to speak up in meetings when I was in her shoes, and that she’ll get more comfortable.

  21. My husband, our toddler and I are planning to move into my grandmother’s old apartment (we are in NYC). She and my late grandfather, who lived there for 50+ years, were very heavy smokers of cigarettes and pipes, although my grandfather passed away 10 years ago and my grandmother these days smokes maybe a few cigarettes a day all out on the terrace. According to my favorite search engine, there are still toxins in the surfaces of the apartment, and we should be very afraid of thirdhand smoke. However, I don’t see much about the quantifiable risk of thirdhand smoke (and aren’t there some levels of toxins everywhere?), or how to obviate it. On the message boards, it seems like people clean the surfaces and rugs and maybe get an air purifier, and that’s it. I would love any actual knowledge and/or anecdata you may have about risks and reasonable actions to take in this sort of situation. Thanks!

    1. Would love to hear responses to this as well! My husband and I (also in NYC) are hoping to buy out a neighbor’s apartment at some point in the future to combine with ours, but his apartment smells like smoke (even though he mostly seems to smoke outside). We’re thinking of gutting it when the time comes (some of which we’d do anyway – to get the floors to match ours, etc.), but if there is some simpler solution, I’d love to hear it! :-)

    2. Painting the walls and ceilings should help tremendously. Also get rid of or thoroughly clean any carpets.

    3. I bought a house many years ago that reeked of smoke. I painted all the walls and ceilings, refinished the wood floors, and replaced the window coverings. That totally took care of it.

    4. There are special paint primers that are specifically for smoke. Nicotine stains the walls, and these primers will cover that as well as make it so the smell does not continue to seep out of the wall boards.

    5. I moved into an apartment where the previous long-term tenants had been heavy smokers. A thorough paint job (walls, ceilings and every part of closets) totally got rid of the smell for good.

    7. Get everything super-deep-cleaned, replace any objects that can be replaced (curtains, window treatments, rugs, furniture, etc.), and then prime the walls and ceilings with primer specifically designed to deal with smoke residue and paint it. Also, if the floors are wood, get them refinished.

      I grew up in a house with a parent that smoked, and my parents kept the house from smelling “smoky” by using special primer and re-painting the parts of the home where smoking was happening frequently (like, once a year), and by covering the wood floors 80% with area rugs and changing out the rugs frequently.

  22. Does anyone know of a good Optometrist in the DC area? I am in the Capitol Hill area, but wouldn’t mind going anywhere in the DC area, as I wasn’t happy with the one I went to recently. Just looking for recommendations.

    2. Before I moved, I liked ‘see clearly’ which has several locations – I went to the one in McLean because it was close to work

  23. Apologies in advance for a long post: I have a very first-world career dilemma and need some advice from other women with professional careers, particularly in academia in law. Here’s the scoop:

    I am an attorney who also has a business and engineering background. Law was a 2nd career for me, and I was able to practice in a large firm with a practice group that handled cases in my technical area of expertise. After a few years, I got burned out on the big firm hours and took an opportunity to go into academia (3rd career).

    I LOVE the work of being a professor–not just the teaching, but advising and mentoring the students. I have a rather unique contract that doesn’t require me to do research and allows me to keep a small solo practice on the side. I love that I essentially have no “boss” and can work when and where I want to (other than showing up for lectures of course!). With breaks and summers off, I only work about 8 mos out of the year, and even during those months it’s maybe a 30hr/week job. In total, I work about 1000 hrs/year.

    There are two bad things about the professor job: the pay, and the feeling of becoming stagnant and unfit for any other career. Obviously I don’t make the big-firm money as a professor, but I make enough to pay my bills and have a comfortable life. Because my university is public and its faculty is unionized, I know exactly how much money my annual raises and possible promotions will get me, and my pay will stay pretty level if I stay in academia for life. I make about $80K/yr right now, with nice health benefits and a pension (a comfortable paycheck in this midwestern city for what is essentially a part-time job). In maybe 10 years or so I might make $100K. I’m in my mid 30’s.

    I would never, ever go back to doing litigation in a big firm again. However, I’ve recently been offered the opportunity to move into an in house counsel position, doing transactional work in the area of my technical expertise. It would be interesting work to me, but I would be back in a corporate 9 to 5 job. I’d be in a legal department with a handful of other attorneys, but no one else in my area. It’s a relatively senior position too–reporting directly to the chief legal officer, and with the kind of visibility I would have loved when I was working in the industry when I was younger. It’s a good sized and stable company–no worries there. The pay is great ($160k/yr), and the idea of working in business again is appealing. I’m told that it’s generally a 40hr week with occasional deadlines and such. It is also a longer commute (about 40 minutes, compared to my current 20 min commute).

    I am torn between continuing in academia or taking this opportunity to move. I feel like this economy, where my field is booming right now, is the ideal time to make a change. I also feel like if I stay in academia too long, I’ll become unfit for anything else–and I’m not sure if I am comfortable with that even though I love the job. With my current job, I feel almost semi-retired with all the time I have to pursue my own hobbies and interests–which is sometimes awesome, and sometimes a little boring. I will be able to start drawing a pension in 25 years (when I’m 60) but I’m not saving much else. On the other hand, I’m at a point where a lot of my “lifestyle” expenses are already set–my partner and I own our house, cars, etc. and are happy as is with our material possessions–so making so much more money in the corporate gig would allow me to ramp up retirement savings and other investments, and possibly retire early (if I’m not still having fun working).

    My last concern is that I can be somewhat of a workaholic–that’s how I got burnt out working for a big firm. I have a tendency to prioritize work over other aspects of my life and really throw myself into my career. I’m fortunate with my academic job that it is so flexible and so little work that I can still be a workaholic without having other aspects of my personal life suffer. In the back of my mind, I worry that I might become a workaholic again in a corporate job.

    I’d love to hear from other ladies who have spent time in academia or in in-house counsel positions. What do you love or hate about it? What would you do with this 1st world employment dilemma? I love my current job but I’m so afraid of stagnating in my career at a (relatively) young age. Your collective wisdom is much appreciated.

    1. I’d go back into industry for a while. You can always go back to academia if you get burnout, but staying in academia reduces your options if you ever get bored there.

    2. If academia seems attractive you can also consider administrative roles. Your business experience could come in handy for some. Being in academia doesn’t have to mean stagnation. Sometimes opportunities come because one looks for them

    3. I just moved from a government litigation position to academia for less money. That said, the amount of increase for a 9-5 gig is amazing. Take it!

    4. Have you considered university administration? Pay can be great, more pressure but I doubt anything like a big firm (until you get to the highest levels, Provost, President, etc.). Same awesome perks to professoring.

    5. I’ve never been in academia, but have spent the last 15+ years as in-house counsel in a senior role like the one you describe. What I love most about my job is the ability to combine the practicality of business with legal advice every day. Counseling and mentoring my business clients is a huge part of my job and keeps it interesting without big firm hours or burnout. In-house practice has a lot to commend it.

      1. Cashew – can you tell me what industry you are in and whether you’ve moved around in the same company or have stayed in the same company for 15+ years? I ask because I was in a great in-house position once and was laid off after 2 years, and I found that my story is not that uncommon – companies merge, get sold, downsize, etc. everyday. I’m at biglaw again but am still pining for the work-life balance I had in-house.

    6. I think a key factor is whether or not you plan to have kids. 9-5 with a 40 minute commute means that with daycare drop off you will be gone 8-6 daily M-F which is a lot less flexible that what you have now.

      Is there an opportunity to expand your solo practice right now? You’re currently working 30 hours a week. The new job would be 40 hours plus extra commute of 20 mins . If it’s an extra 20 mins each way that’s an extra 40 mins daily or 3 hours a week so you’re looking at 43 work devoted hours for $160K vs 30 work hours for $80K – I think you need to look at your after tax take home on the additional money to see if it’s worth the additional hours for you.

  24. Does anyone have a review of W3ll People Expressionist Mascara? There’s a deal going on at costco, but I’ve never heard of it. Amazon reviews are good but I trust you guys more.

    1. I received a sample in one of my Birchboxes and I really like it. I’m pretty picky about mascara as my skin is oily enough to make ANY mascara start to smudge and spread. I like to use this one to get a very pretty, open/bright-eyed, but natural look. I feel like this mascara stays put and really opens up my lashes without looking too fake or clumpy.

  25. Any more tips/threads on good Northern New England (read: cold and wet) commuting professional wear?

    I walk about a mile to work, and I don’t like to change choose at work (in a public government building).

    I ordered a pair of La Canadienne boots, but I’m still searching for: warm but professional tights/legwear, other affordable but professional warm, waterproof footwear options. Any dressy boots or other waterproof footwear recommendation? My fleece-lined tights pill so quickly.

    Also in search of more comfortable but professional tops to wear with pencil skirts and over sheath dresses. I have two of MMLaFleur’s “jardigans”, but I’ve nearly worn them from wearing them so often. Looking for something fitted and professional, but less stiff than a blazer.

    1. Use a sweater shaver on your fleece-lined tights. It removes the pilling perfectly.

    2. I used to wear fleece tights over my regular tights and then just take those off if I got too hot at work (my office was freezing so I didn’t always). Long coat + tall boots (or snow boots once it became slush of dirty snow/salt) + double tights was how I survived my walking commute in Boston for many years.

  26. I have of friend of nearly 30 years (we met the first year of college; our 25th reunion is this summer) who no longer feels like much of a friend, and I need help figuring out how to handle the situation – am I over-reacting to normal change over time? Do I need to cut a busy mom more slack? Do I need to get over my petty feelings and look at the big picture? Do I need to cut her loose and realize that we don’t have the same interests? I’ve been stewing about this situation for awhile.

    The back story: I moved from one coast to the other after college in larger part b/c of the influence of Friend, and interest in the city we moved to. Initially we shared an apt., then we went our separate ways, each left the area for grad school at various points and returned. After each living in various places around the city, we now live about a mile from each other. I was there when she & her husband got unofficially engaged. When her kids were born, I was like an aunt to them, included in family gatherings. I know her extended family, who lives locally, well.

    Our birthdays are within two weeks of each other, so in college we always celebrated jointly, a tradition that continued after we graduated…. with gaps when one or the other of us lived elsewhere, that tradition continued up until last year.

    Last year, she didn’t wish me happy birthday, and demurred when I invited her (several times) to go out and celebrate jointly. It was painful to invite someone I consider to be a BFF out and be repeatedly rejected with no explanation. I finally dropped it and figured the tradition was over.

    This year, I bumped into her on the street around the time of her birthday, and the first thing she said was “We’ll have to get birthday drinks soon! It was a crime that we missed it last year [like it was my fault when I asked her repeatedly?]” Ok, so the tradition is back on. She emailed shortly after about an unrelated matter, and concluded with “I hope to get drinks soon.”

    I wrote back about the other issue, and suggested some possible dates for the drinks. No response.

    My birthday rolled around. No birthday wishes – and an email declining to help with a small favor I had asked about a couple days previously.

    I was hurt by the fact that she had known the date of my birthday for more than 20 years, and suddenly forgot it, and wasn’t able to return a fairly small favor, when I had helped her with the same thing two weeks previously (something that would likely take <30 min.).

    As I type this, I realize that it sounds very high school-ish. And that's how I feel: like I chasing around a popular girl, trying to get her to be my friend. I don't know if Friend is a popular girl, or not. We've been friends for ages, always had a good time, supported each other through ups and downs, and now….I feel like she's being almost gratuitously mean, to request drinks but not follow through on setting it up, and to email on my b'day declining to help, and not even mentioning my b'day.

    We have quite different lives: she is a stay at home mom, currently trying to launch a writing career; I have a demand FT job that requires fairly frequent travel (every other month or so), as well as a preschooler. In general, I think we've been good about respecting each others choices, but in the past few years, I have felt judged about the tradeoffs and outsourcing I do to keep a busy dual career household afloat.

    So, if I feel judged, and she doesn't respond to my invitations, do I say Sayonara to the friendship? Do I step back? Am I being overly sensitive? I can't seem to get perspective on this situation. I just want my BFF back!

    1. I don’t think you have any choice but to take a step back.

      Before you do, though, you might want to have one conversation with her along the lines of “Friend, I can’t help but wonder whether I’ve done something to upset or offend you? I’ve been trying to connect and it doesn’t seem to happen. If there’s a problem I’d love to work it out.” And see what she says/does. Maybe she’s mad about something that can be fixed.

      Otherwise, I guess it’s time to say Sayonara.

  27. I would take a step back. My oldest friend and I had a rocky patch after she started to have children. She never responded to calls and generally became uncommunicative. It hurt but I let it go for a few years. Then I got an email from her saying she hadn’t been a good friend and explained how over whelming she had found having kids and a career was (at this time she had had 3 kids in 5 years). So we made a pact. I would do the heavy lifting now and she could do it later when I was having a rough time.

    I think there is real value in taking a step back. Some friendships do end. Not every friendship is supposed to last a lifetime, but others will repair themselves.

  28. Looking to travel to Canada to take advantage of cheap flights and low Canadian dollar. Looking at Mayne Island, Montreal, Kelowna… Can someone suggest some awesome Airbnbs and locations for week long trips? Looking to go somewhere beautiful. Open to big cities, small centres, basically anywhere beautiful. Would like to see things, eat good food and relax. Not looking to shop, go to the opera or do anything fancy or intense. Not into outdoor sports but some nice light hiking would be great.

    1. DH and I honeymooned in western Canada over the summer. We stopped in the following places: Victoria, Vancouver, Kelowna, Banff, and Calgary. I wasn’t fond of Calgary at all, but I really enjoyed the other places. We only stayed in Victoria one night, so I feel like we didn’t get the full experience, and there was so much to do in Vancouver. Banff and Kelowna were both beautiful and very relaxing. Banff would be great if you want something outdoorsy, and Kelowna would be great if you just want to have some great wine, good food, and just relax. If you go to Kelowna, I’d recommend staying at Lakeshore Bed & Breakfast.

    2. I would fly into Vancouver – visit Victoria + Tofino. Fly Vancouver to Calgary – visit Banff/Lake Louise (spa at Banff Springs Hotel is great) then fly out of Calgary.

      East Coast option would be fly into Toronto + tour city + drive to Algonquin for glaming/hiking + quick stop in Ottawa then Montreal – fly out of Montreal.

    3. Banff/Lake Louise is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. And Vancouver is one of my favorite cities.

  29. Any tips for mattress shopping? We were disappointed with our last purchase (major brand latex pillow top) within two years (but couldn’t return it because we didn’t buy the accompanying box spring). I don’t want to regret this purchase two years from now. It seems impossible to discern quality and durability, and the pricing model drives me batty. Thanks in advance for any tips or recommendations!

    1. I have no tips. I think mattress shopping is a very opaque process. I bought a Stearns and Foster mattress right before the New Year and I like it so far although the reviews I found online were very disappointing. I did ask the sales rep to take $200 off the price, which he agreed to do readily (possibly because it was right at the end of the year but it’s worth a try). I know I don’t like memory foam so I wanted a traditional spring mattress. The mattress was delivered and I am sleeping through the whole night now, so that’s been a big change. I am currently unhappy with my pillows so am trying out different types of pillow.

    2. My best friend just bought a Casper (only available online – she bought through Amazon but you can also buy direct). There are a could online mattress brands that are specifically seeking to address the issues you indicate as far as the buying process, and they have very liberal return policies. Might be worth checking out – she is extremely happy with her mattress, though its only been 3 months.

  30. Another question for the lawyers in the group. Is it at all possible to land a career law clerk position after several years of practice if you didn’t clerk during or immediately after law school? I’m a litigation associate at a large firm. I’m looking for a job that doesn’t require the insane hours I’m working now, and I’ve been thinking about applying for a law clerk position that I expect to open up in my area this coming year. Money isn’t a huge issue. I actually love the research and writing aspect of my current job, so I’m thinking a job as a law clerk might be a decent fit. But I’ve never clerked. I took summer associate positions at law firms each summer during law school and started working for my current firm straight after graduation, so I don’t even know if a judge would consider my application. Thoughts? Am I just too old to make this kind of a switch?

    Also, if I were to apply, any ideas on who to use for recommendations? It’s been years since I’ve met with any of my old law professors, and I’m worried that word would get around if I ask coworkers or ex-coworkers.

    1. Yes, you can definitely make this switch. Lots of people do. But what about just testing the waters with a one or two year clerkship to see if you like it before you make the full commitment? Clerking can be pretty isolating and boring (depending on where you clerk, you might end up seeing a lot of the same kinds of cases). If you pitch it as a one or two year deal, your firm might support that. Then you can ask colleagues to write you letters of rec. If you decide you love it, you can then apply for permanent positions (or even more short term clerkships until you find a permanent gig).

  31. Recommendations for a fee only financial advisor in Chicago? I know someone who needs to be walked through basic financial planning and investing less than a million dollars in vanguard index funds. (It’s through an inheritance, so a suddenly very different financial situation that this person had before. It’s not me :)

  33. I realize this is a total #firstworldproblem kind of thing…but here is my question for the hive…I’ll be turning 40 in another few years, and DH has started asking me what I’d like to do. For his 40th (next month) he is having a big party in his hometown, which will allow him to see all of his family and 90% of his friends. I on the other hand do not feel the need for a giant party, especially since my friends are family are scattered throughout the globe. Instead, I was thinking of trying to organize a girls weekend away in a neutral location – like maybe Iceland as it is halfway in-between Europe and the US? It would be during the summer so I realize I’d be asking a lot of my friends to travel there, but many of them are lucky enough to have the resources to be able to do so. Is this a crazy idea? And if not – any suggestions on location? :) TIA!

    1. That’s similar to what I’ll be doing. Haven’t decided the location yet but will be going to an exotic destination with a few girlfriends

    2. It’s a cool idea, but you have to steel yourself to not be disappointed if very few (or even zero) people can come. Even if they have the financial means, scheduling, time constraints, and family/ other commitments can get in the way. If you’re comfortable with that possibility, then plan on! It sounds like a fun trip.

    3. It sounds awesome, just be understanding if people can’t go because of budgets. Iceland is expensive. And as Aunt Jamesina said, even the ones who can afford it may have other commitments. If there are any people you really have to have there, I’d recommend checking with them about date and location before announcing it to a wider group.

    2. I’m here. My new firms gives us NO holidays except the really mandatory ones like Memorial Day, Labor Day and Christmas. One of the few things I miss about Big Law is having pretty much all Federal holidays off.

    3. I’m here, and happy to report that after Wednesday’s accident on the way to work, and having working from home through the end of the week while my car was in the shop, I finally got my car back and managed to drive all the way to work without incident this morning! And while there’ve been some snafus in dealing with the insurance companies, it looks like I’m meeting with a rep tomorrow to get reimbursed. Although I am slightly worried they’ll try to talk their way out of paying for the repairs. Is that a thing that happens? I’m new to this sort of thing.

  35. I’m traveling to Toronto this week for work. Any advice on getting to the downtown area from the Airport/estimate of what a cab would cost? Do taxis accept credit cards?

    One meeting I’ll be going to is in the North York area. Is public transit the easiest way to get there from downtown?

    Sorry for the hyper specific questions – this is my first solo trip! TIA for your help

    1. You can take UP from the airport, it’s a train link that was built recently, it’s convenient, it goes to Union Station. From Union, you can subway to North York if it’s close enough to one of the subway stops, but otherwise, I’d uber/taxi.

      And yes, most taxis accept credit cards, but some get fussy about it, they prefer cash.

      1. Nothing drives me nuts like a cab driver who gives me shit about paying for a ride, however short, with my card. I rarely do it any more because of this.

        1. Where I live, cab drivers will lie and say their card readers are broken. Which is illegal, nowadays you need to have a working card reader in order to drive a cab. If you threaten to report them for driving without a working reader, or tell them you don’t have cash so you’ll need to get out and find another cab, the card reader magically starts working perfectly!

          Honestly, I prefer ride sharing services like Uber and Lyft because you only pay for those services with a card. But at the airport, or any place with a line of taxis at the cab stand, it makes more sense to just get in one of those if you can.

    2. I agree on the Union Pearson Express train recommendation – it takes 25 minutes, is less than a cab would be to downtown and takes you right to Union, where you can subway anywhere from there.

      If you do want to cab, there are flat rates to everywhere in the city from the airport, so going all the way downtown is probably around $55 – check the chart in the car when you get in. Airport taxis will definitely accept credit or debit cards. Sometimes if you hail a cab, they give you a hard time but its getting less and less, I find.

    3. A cab would be around $50. There is a public transit link (express bus down a highway until you get to the nearest subway) but it likely takes a long time. UPX might be your most convenient option.

      For getting to North York, depends where the meeting is. If it’s along Yonge, subway is definitely convenient. The other side of the subway line is slightly less convenient since the stations are a little more out of the way. If you don’t have the appetite for taking the bus from the subway, I recommend uber (way cheaper than taxis here).

  36. I will report again on tomorrow’s thread but looking for some advice on wording.

    I am being laid off from my current role, but have a bit of notice. I am planning to spend the next six months long-term job searching, enjoying my severence pay, and waiting for the birth of my 3rd child (due in June).

    As part of the terms of separation, I am transitioning all my accounts/relationships, which will equate some really aqkward calls “hey, i’m being let go, here is so-and-so, my replacement who hasn’t figured out how he will restructure the team yet so we don’t know who will own the relationship’s contact info”. I plan to do this professionally of course. HOWEVER- I also want to let these vendors know that I will be actively looking for short-term consulting work. Nothing in my terms of separation prohibit this, and, in fact, it would likely result in more business for my soon-to-be-ex employer. I’m having trouble thinking of the right flow/way to phrase this all. Have come up with:

    “[Org] is doing through a major restructure and as a part of that, my last day will be XXXX. For urgent matters during the transition period, Bob will replace me as your senior point of contact and as always, you can reach out to Suzy or Linda for day to day matters.

    [either as separate paragraph or as reply to their email about how sorry they are to learn i’m leaving once i send the above]

    On another note, for the next few months I will be looking for short-term consulting engagements should [you/your org] be interested in outsourcing any of the research related to [project i know they are working on that has stalled and I have experience with]. Here is my personal contact info __________.”

    this would be more or less the same script via phone, if I go that route vs email.

    Ideas?

    As an example, this would be as if I were the head of marketing, and these vendors did outsourced marketing work for me. The nature of the consulting would be about helping those businesses improve their marketing skills and be more attractive to companies (like my soon-to-be-ex), not doing anything that would replace the relationship between my soon-to-be-ex company and theirs.

    1. I’m sorry you’re being laid off. I was laid off in March and it was hard. So happy you have a plan!

      The wording of your email sounds good. Do you think you should read your severance agreement to make sure you can solicit their business? If so, that’s awesome just don’t want you to lose that benefit.

      1. Yes, both myself and my lawyer have read it. I’m good as long as my work doesn’t negatively impact my existing company.

    2. I know you’re confident that it is legal, but would it make sense to send the two emails separately? Maybe:

      email #1: your script, copying Bob/Suzy/Linda/your boss

      Follow up email — even forwarding email #1 — dropping off all of the CCs and adding your second paragraph.

      I think it can all be done together in a phone call, but it’s a little messy combining the two messages into an email.

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