ByKat G Hours Updated
Comments 414 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Niko Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

What is your favorite MMLF dress, ladies? We've featured the Masha, the Annie, the Taylor, and the Etsuko before, for sure, but I think this is the first time the Niko has caught my eye. It looks a bit short on the model, and the product page notes that it is “petite friendly” — so perhaps this isn't a great option for the taller ladies who want an at-knee hem.

I do like the faux wrap V, though, the three-quarter length sleeves, and the fact that it's machine washable.

There was a dark green version that is almost entirely sold out, but the indigo (pictured) has a ton of sizes left, sizes 0-16. The Niko Dress

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

414 Comments

  1. Going to Greece for 10 days in April; after experiencing dragging my suitcase over miles of cobblestones in Italy (and in deference to the hills and steps in Santorini), I’m considering avoiding a rolling suitcase, in favor of a camping/internal frame backpack.
    1. What size bag would you recommend? I’m thinking 55L should be enough; I’d say I’m a relatively light packer.
    2. Any specific bags that you’ve had good experience with? I’m not eager to get an Osprey (or anything in that price range), because that seems too expensive for how I’m likely to use this bag.
    Also: 67 days until VACATION!

    1. I bought rolling luggage on that could be converted to a backpack for a trip to Europe that involved planes, trains and automobiles. I personally found the backpack option very useful for getting on and off of trains, but the rolling option was totally fine for walking through the streets. Amazon has a nice selection.

    2. I took a big rolling suitcase to Santorini and it was no big deal. You leave the suitcase at the hotel, it’s not like you need to wheel it around every time you want to get some food or go see some sights.

      1. Agree, in Santorini, our hotel picked us up at the ferry in a van and drove us up to the door. Gently, 55L is pretty big and I would find it unwieldy, plus you’d have to check it vs having the option to carry on. For 10 days in Greece in good weather, I’d personally be packing into my carry-on roller with packing cubes and large zippered tote, which worked for 14 days in the fall Germany and 10 days in Scandinavia in the winter.

    3. 55L should be more than enough if you’re a light packer and willing to downsize a bit more if required. I’ve done 10 days in a colder climate with 40L no problem.

    4. Are you staying at a hotel in Santorini? If so, a man will carry your luggage. This is a universal service. I used my regular carryon sized roller all over Greece and was fine.

      1. +1. I’ve been to both Italy and Greece, and carrying my own luggage was way more of a pain in Italy. In Santorini it’s all set up so you don’t carry your luggage anywhere.

    5. I travel with a Kelty redwing 44L, which has an internal spine that you can remove (which I do, for ease of stuffing into overhead bins), and have easily and fashionably done 10days in Europe that way.

    6. I’m a fan of camping backpacks for long trips and wish I could get away with it for business travel! I have an old Jansport frame backpack that has served me very well on several trips, including a month-long European trip. Not sure if they are still as good, but I have been quite pleased at the price/quality.

    7. I have a Kelty internal frame backpack, what I think became the Coyote 70, that I use for international travel. I love it. I did 6 weeks in Europe with it years ago, plus extensive travel in West Africa. Recently, I’ve also done two European ski trips with it, carrying all my snow gear (but not boots or skis). If I could look polished in it for business travel, I would use it for that as well. I’ve never had to gate check it, and it’s easier to port around than even my Away roll-aboard, which I love. I also find the bag as a whole very intelligently designed. The compartments are well positioned and useful, and the top pack detaches for us as a separate day sling.
      This is to say–while you might not need it for Santorini for all the reasons folks describe above, I think it’s worth considering if you see other trips like the Italian one you took in your future.

    8. I know you said no Osprey, or the like, but I bought an Osprey for a trip to Europe and I have used it on every single other trip I have been on since. I LOVE not having to check a bag. I feel like I am getting my money’s worth many times over. You might be surprised by how much you will use whichever backpack you decide on!

    9. I traveled around Europe with a backpack one summer, and I found it very challenging to unpack and repack when moving around – it requires full repacking each time you move. There are ways to get around this (packing cubes, thinking ahead to make sure what you’ll need next is on top), which I would recommend if you do this, but it turned me off the concept.

      If you’re set on a backpack, would suggest one that opens like a suitcase. I believe there used to be an REI brand one, but Osprey and Timbuktu and others have reasonably priced options.

    10. Thank you all so much for the thoughtful advice. With the many personal trips I have coming up, I think the big backpack is the right answer for me. Maybe I’ll splurge on an Osprey!

      1. Do it – Ospreys are amazing! I have a small one I’ve used for a few years skiing and carried hundreds of feet up a multi-pitch rock climb, and it still looks new. Also, they have a lifetime warranty so if you ever have any issues, they’ll replace the bag, even if it’s in like 20 years.

      2. Agree w/ “is it friday yet?” – do it! I have their 65 litre transporter bag and it is by far the best thing I bought last year. Fits into overhead compartments really well, is lightweight, holds a ton, and has nicer straps than similar north face/patagonia bags. It’s replaced every other bag I own.

        1. Love my Osprey. Go into REI and get measured for your back. I’m very tall, and turned out to be between a S and XS, which was not available in all the Osprey backpack models. This makes a huge difference in comfort. I first bought a size Small backpack and something just didn’t feel right. So I brought it back to REI and switched it out for the XS size (REI has such a great return policy). Problem solved, and smooth as butta

    11. I never had issues with rolling luggage in Europe, so confused by the comment (but I travel by car and park next to the lodgings). That said, I have Fjallraven Abisko 55l backpack which was just enough for a 3week trip to Patagonia and all of my friends who borrowed it loved it as well (esp because it can be loaded from the top but also from the side).

    12. I have this backpack in black and its been surprisingly useful: https://www.ebags.com/product/ebags/mother-lode-tls-weekender-convertible/143101?productid=10183337#productFeatures I often take it to NYC rather than my carry on wheeled bag because I take the subway and its easier to get up and down the many steps into the stations.

      I also have this duffle in the 90L version, but they do a 60L version. It’s pretty good but not as easy to carry as the above backpack, but even at the 90L size that was still doable. https://www.rei.com/product/118813/rei-co-op-big-haul-90-duffel

  2. I never bought MMLF dress but I have 2 British options that have won me over. Both cater for the professional woman.
    First one is Winser London, practical and uses synthetics but the dresses travel well. This is what I use for day to day and business travel.
    Second is more expensive called the Fold London. They use more noble fabrics and offer tailoring if the dress needs alteration. They are my power dresses as I can’t afford Roland Mouret. I tend to wear styles that the French refer to as “stricte”, so more pencil style longer length dresses than suits, think Jessica Pearson from Suits. I wear these for public speaking or SteerCos when I know s*** is about to go down and I need every ounce of confidence as the execs rip through my slides

    1. +1 – I just bought two things from the Fold on sale and they are both really gorgeous and well made. The sizing was pretty spot on. I’m a size 6 in most ‘designer’ clothing, size 2-4 in mall brands (2 in cheaper brands, pretty solid 4 in brooks brothers/JCrew suiting) and the UK 10 fit well with a tiny bit of extra room which is fine as I don’t like my work clothing to be skin tight. Really gorgeous lining, nice seam allowances for tailoring. The dress was long and I’ll need to tailor it up and the sleeves were perfect (I have oddly long arms, so this was a nice bonus!). I 100% plan to stalk their website for sales in the future!!

    2. I paid a long visit to the Fold in the fall too. The clothes are gorgeous but generally fit long. I’m relatively long-waisted but short overall and I found a lot of the pieces were very long on top, to the point where some of the proportions (eg where the peplums or waist details were hitting) looked weird. The arms were all super long on me, but that’s pretty normal.
      I bought one dress which required some tailoring but looks gorgeous! And a pair of trousers. There is a tweed shirt on the website now which I’m seriously considering…..

    3. I just looked at those two s*tes and now I want all the things . . . perhaps I need a trip to London . . .

      2. If you decide to come, I’ll happily share more of these brands. Warning though, they are not pocket friendly. I feel like most of my disposable income goes there … sigh

        1. Houda, I would love to hear about other similar brands! I have a trip to London coming up next March…

          2. I love Hobbs as well and plan to try on everything that they have in stock at Bloomingdales in NY in my size when I get there this summer . . . and to buy everything that fits.

            Gonna need an extra bag . . .

  3. What little things bring you joy at work? I’m in a total slump at a job that has become a dead-end. I’m actively searching for a new job, but in the meantime, I’m looking for ways to perk up my day to day. One random thing that’s been giving me a little boost is changing my desktop background each month to a pretty picture that reflects the season. Currently it’s a field of pink flowers for Valentine’s, and as a reminder that eventually spring will get here! Would love to hear simple ways you make a blah job a little better!

    1. – Get out of the office during the noon hour, even if it’s just to take a walk around the block.
      – A travel mug filled with my favorite home-brewed coffee.
      – Build 10-minute breaks into your day to take a walk, grab some water, or chat with a coworker. Resist the urge to use your breaks for going down the internet rabbit hole.
      – Having a small plant on my desk has brought me a surprising amount of happiness.

    3. Hang in there, I’ve been there. When I was in that position I found it helped to lean way out and stop actively caring about the things that used to give me major work anxiety. Plus long lunches, leaving early on Fridays, etc.

      Also I only drink fancy loose leaf tea at work, and drink it out of a mug I love.

    4. I always look forward to “tea time”. I have a cup of my favorite earl gray mid-morning, and either a jasmine green or turmeric ginger depending on my mood and caffeine needs mid-afternoon.

    5. I make a list of the non work things I want to accomplish and make progress on something from the list every day — before or after work or at lunch— so I feel like I am making progress in other areas of my life.

      1. +1 If you can afford it, I highly recommend Bose SoundSport wireless headphones. It makes me feel like i’m in my own little world.

    7. After seeing photos of a colleague’s new office (across campus) that looked so pretty and uncluttered, I decided to unclutter my office, get rid of paper files that I no longer use, take old stuff that I needed to let go of (and not feel guilty about) out of my bookcase and put a few more decorative items in it. I also bought a lamp this weekend and metal mesh baskets to contain some of the little notebooks and office supplies. I still need more lighting to be able to go without the overhead light. I’m thinking about a torchiere. But I feel so much better about walking into my office!

    8. I have a little oil diffuser in my office, and sometimes will diffuse eucalyptus or a “focus” blend to change up the environment. Noise canceling headphones also help me find a happy place when I’m grumpy or need to escape from office nonsense.

    9. I bought “cute” non traditional things to hold office supplies: inexpensive but pretty juice glass to hold pens, a pretty printed tiny bowl to hold paper clips, etc. They’re all very inexpensive pieces but they make my cube feel more “me” and less sterile office. Also they make me happy since they’re in my favorite colors.

      1. Same- I have a cup from target with a quirky face. Also, just generally upgraded office supplies (if you can trust people won’t take them) make me smile to use on an everyday basis.

      2. I got a magnetic sheep that paper clips stick to from A-zon and I love it, it’s so cheerful. I also have a Himalayan salt light, a happy light, and several plants (that don’t need light, because I don’t have windows).

        1. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07D2M2H86/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05__o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

          And I just bought this post-it donkey while pulling up the sheepie link, haha – https://www.amazon.com/Morris-Donkey-Desktop-Dispenser-Holder/dp/B002QXPG94/ref=pd_bxgy_201_img_2/130-2885777-3882452?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B002QXPG94&pd_rd_r=2cc9b877-2ee0-11e9-9957-433caa8705eb&pd_rd_w=CN8fr&pd_rd_wg=1UBcI&pf_rd_p=6725dbd6-9917-451d-beba-16af7874e407&pf_rd_r=C3M423HMCS2Q7PCEXGXX&refRID=C3M423HMCS2Q7PCEXGXX&th=1

      3. Same. I got a Glassybaby as a gift a few years ago and it’s my pen holder. A container that held a plant a client got me was repurposed into my paper clip holder after the plant died. And the bulletin board behind my desk is covered in work-related fun stuff- Christmas cards from colleagues, notes from clients, tickets from work events.
        I also have photos of my dog, parents, and grandparents on my bookshelf and cute file boxes instead of plain mesh boxes. I also have a desk lamp.

    10. Particularly now in the depths of grey winter, I find brightly colored office supplies give me a subtle boost.

  4. I got a raise yesterday! I negotiated and asked for a range and they came in at the low end of the range, but it’s still more than I thought I would get, so I’m happy. I’m really glad I asked for more. That’s one lesson I have learned during my career: ALWAYS NEGOTIATE. I’m also getting a better benefits package!

    Of course I’m looking for another job right now because this organization is failing (they really want me to stick around though).

  5. Friends with curly and wavy hair. Do you notice better results with a diffuser? I’ve been air drying, but I’m wondering if I should pick up a blow dryer.

    2. My curls don’t hold their shape and go all frizzy when I blow dry, so I always air dry. The blow dryer also takes forever because my hair is so thick. But if you’re going to blow dry, definitely use a diffuser.

    3. the best thing for my curly hair has been going to the extreme on diffusion and getting a bonnet hair dryer.

    4. Ok, I’m in the rabbit hole on this. You should look at the curly hair subreddit. There is so much information and I’m never going back. But JUST on the diffuser question – yes, better results, but mostly because my hair otherwise takes 5 hours to dry.

      1. There are also a zillion curly /wavy Instagram accounts with good diffuser tutorials.

    5. YES. My hair actually looks better with a diffuser because the roots have more body and aren’t as weighed down. I wrap mine in a t-shirt or something for about 10 mins in the morning while I get partially ready and then use a diffuser to dry to about 50% upside down, but only with the lowest heat and wind setting. It doesn’t take too long to finish air drying after that.

    6. YES. More Volume & definition – a bit frizzier but I will never have frizz-free hair regardless of what I use or do so not going out with wet hair is a good tradeoff for me.

    7. I plop with a T-shirt first then I diffuse to 50% dry on low which locks in the shape and frizz and prevents dropping but allows for less heat and less active drying time.

    8. Yes. Diffusing makes a huge difference.

      I just splurged on a Dyson hair dryer with a diffuser, which cut the drying time for my long, thick curls from 20 minutes to 5. Five!

    9. I literally tested this out this morning! I have wavy hair (halfway between 2b and 2c type). I hate wearing my hair wet to work and somehow I made it to 30 without ever considering a diffuser.

      I dried my hair about 75% dry, the remainder was dry by the time I got to work and I applied a little shine serum at work to calm the frizz. It took 5 extra minutes and I think my hair looks better than air drying alone – more definition and volume. I would probably dry to 60% dry next time and use a different product. I used my air-dry product and I think it would be less frizzy if I used something else in it.

    10. I absolutely love my diffuser for my coarse and wavy hair. I have the Solano Universal Finger Softstyler that I bought on Amazon. It’s the one my stylist uses and it’s been awesome. I towel dry my hair, apply curly spray and cream, then diffuse my hair for about 5 minutes. I find that diffusing my hair for a few minutes right after I get out of the shower and apply my products helps to shape the curls enough to air dry the rest of the way.

  6. Am I the only one who can’t wear MM LaFleur? I’ve tried several Bento boxes, and I returned everything. The proportions where off for me (hour glass but long waisted). I love the look, and I’d like some pretty statement dresses, but nothing worked. I also felt like the quality was generally not what I expected for the price point.

    1. I found that going to a popup and just trying things on in a lot of sizes was the only thing that worked for me. I was happy to find some washable dresses that I could wear at industry conferences. I feel like they have paid for themselves via the washability alone. [So: not interested in dry-clean or dry-clean-only things. I want just the washable ones.] Now that I have a sense of sizing, I might order more (but just ordering, not doing a Bento).

      1. Second this. I’ve had much better luck with pop up shopping (or there is a permanent store in Chicago that I’ve been meaning to hit up!) Bentos have been a bu$t for me. For MMLF, I’ve found that the things I think will be cute on and what actually looks nice on me are totally disconnected — so it’s easier to try a bunch of things on and figure out what works.

    2. I’ve tried it, and it fits fine. But it just seems very overpriced to me for dresses that are not lined. I can find something similar at Nordstrom or Macy’s for half the price.

    3. I haven’t tried anything from MMLF recently, because the quality was subpar when I did in the past. I’ve had clothes from target and loft hold up much better.

    4. I am very long-waisted and own several MMLF dresses. On everything but the Annie, I’ve had the side seams and darts tailored to lower the waist. The Annie looks fine without alterations, even though the waist of the dress is at my ribcage and the skirt starts to flare around my waist. MMLF seems to be less short-waisted and less curvy than most other brands, so I’ve found it easier to have altered to fit.

      I miss tall sizes.

    5. I also cannot wear MMLF dresses as the waist proportions are all just wrong. The very few dresses I have found that fit correctly were far too short for work and the seam allowance is not cut correctly.

    6. I found the tops cut oddly small— no place for either my shoulders (I swim) or my chest, even if I went up a size. I found similar jardigans at L.K. Bennett and those fit fine.

    7. Same. I’ve been to several of the popups and even ordered a few dresses (including this one) before deciding they just really didn’t look right on me and returning everything. For what they cost, I want them to look really good with minimum tailoring. I did find one dress that looked great, but it was sleeveless (I am trying to avoid sleeveless dresses at the moment) and sold out in the color I wanted. I’ve given up on them and still trying to find my perfect work clothes brand.

    8. Other than the Sant Ambroseus jardigan, everything else there has been totally blah to me. Dresses are not made of great material and I can always spot them in the wild. The Boden Ottoman Aurelia from a few years ago came in great colors, is lined, washable and generally a much better garment than any dress I’ve seen in the pop up, store, or bento.

    9. I’m not a huge fan. I have the Etsuko which is a good work staple, but I had to size up due to muscular arms and shoulders – so it’s wider than I want at the waist and hips. I then bought a few more items off Ebay/Poshmark but haven’t been wowed – the sizing always seems a little off for me and very hard to predict – after the Etsuko, I sized down and of course the next thing I bought was so skin-tight you could see my belly button. They do occupy an interesting space in the workwear market, but I’m less excited about them than I was a few years ago and don’t really try to track down their pieces any more.

    10. I like my stuff from them. I particularly like the Masha dresses as I am tall and they run long. I also like the greenpoint skirt. I find them well made for the price. I am in their additional sizes range and they are nicer work clothes than I can generally find offered in my size.

    11. I love my stuff from them. I own the Etsuko in almost every color as well as a few tops, a few dresses and a jardigan. I love the non-dry clean factor. The fit is really flattering. And there’s none of the bell sleeves, exposed zippers, gawdy bright colors or other trendy non-sense. Cons: Sizing isn’t always consistent. And I have had hems that need to be resewn a couple of times–that’s a big beef to me given the price point. But overall, I get a ton of use and the simple styles and traditional colors have made for a lot of versatility. Cost per wear has been really great.

    12. I loved some earlier designs and think this brand still has a lot to offer in terms of a flattering, fitted-yet-not-too- tight look, and that many items are washable. I probably wear the Foster pants once a week and they’re washable, so the initial price doesn’t seem bad at all. More recent styles don’t do it for me, though.

  7. Any recs for a cheap living room rug? We have a gray rug in here now, and it is SO dirty (dogs, gross). We are going to list our house soon, so I want to buy something cheap to replace it that will look nice showing but that I am not necessarily going to keep once we move, because who knows. Where can I get something for $100/$150?

      1. Yup, I bought one recently from All Modern, which is a Wayfair sight. It is fantastic. Especially for your purposes. Get one of those trendy pre-worn looking rugs and it’ll be perfect for concealing the dog hair.

        1. +1. I have a cat and lots of cheap Wayfair rugs. They aren’t as nice as some fancier brands but are easy to wash and can be replaced guilt-free, and they have a ton of choices for design.

    2. I’d start with Lowes, Home Depot, Overstock, and Wayfair, although you may have to go up a bit in price if you need an 8×10 or larger. Since this is a temporary fix, you may also want to look at indoor/outdoor rugs as they tend to be cheaper and would hold up well to your dogs.

      1. +1. We got several 8×10 rugs from Home Depot (maybe Lowes?) years ago and they are still going strong despite kids/dogs.

      2. Co-sign!! I get most of my rugs at Lowes. They last forever, are a great price, and get tons of compliments.

    3. Has anyone tried those ruggable rugs that are supposed to be machine washable that facebook keeps telling me about? I’m intrigued. They look pretty, and are pretty reasonably priced.

      1. there was a chat on the mom’s site about these recently. people seemed to like them

      2. I have one! Think it looks pretty good but haven’t washed it yet. A small spill cleaned up super easily. Overall, I recommend it.

    5. I have a Wayfair rug that I bought for less than $150 and it still looks great, five years later. Target, Lowes and Home Depot also might have good options.

      1. I got an indoor/outdoor rug from JCPenney 10 years ago and it’s still holding up beautifully, and was all of $80. They have some steals on home furnishings if you hit the timing right.

    7. I got 2 awesome rugs at target (1 is actually indoor/outdoor that I used indoor) and they were both less than $100. I have a 3yo and figured I didn’t want to spend a ton on something I’d feel bad throwing out in a few years because it’s a mess. Cost Plus World Market, Home Depot & TJ Maxx are also good for various rugs that aren’t insanely priced.

    10. If you want it to not stain, avoid rugs made of viscose or viscose blends. Viscose can spot even when plain water touches it.

    11. Ikea! I got an actual wool rug there for what Target was selling synthetics for.

  8. Any recommendations for Banff? In March. Places to eat and also things to do. Staying at the Fairmont. Coming from a warm climate.

    1. We went for part of our honeymoon in June a few years ago, so most of my recommendations on things to do won’t be applicable, but here are a few recommendations:
      * Banff Ave Brewing Co – decent beer, board games, and pool tables
      * Morraine Lake/Lake Louis – Walk around the Lake – it is beautiful! (We kayaked)
      *Banff Upper Hot Springs – it’s a natural outdoor hot spring that is surrounded for gorgeous scenery

      Restaurants: Bear Street Tavern (great pizza) and Juniper bistro (great brunch).

    2. Simplynailogical, a youtuber recently went to Banff over Christmas. It looked magical. Google Simplynailogical vacation for the video. It should give you some good ideas of activities and such. They went dog sledding, hiking, skiiing, and ice skating. Also, went to a hockey game in Calgary if thats your thing.

    3. Spa the Fairmont is amazing. I preferred the pool there over the actual hotsprings.

  9. I would look to eat less meat and cook at home more, so I’ve been looking for good and easy vegetarian recipes. But I’ve been having a hard time finding recipes that are for main dishes (instead of a side), relatively easy to make, and healthy (e.g., not a huge pasta dish with lots of sauce). I don’t have the time or desire to cook something that is going to take an hour to prep, looking for meals more in the 15-30 minute prep time.

    Any suggestions for cookbooks or websites with good vegetarian recipes?

    1. I would look for Chinese recipes. My personal favorite is Madame Wong’s Long Life Chinese Cookbook but there are lots and they should all have good veggie recipes. The one thing I would flag though is that they often involve a lot things cut into chopstick-friendly pieces, so actual prep time depends a lot on how speedy you are with a knife (or how you feel about buying things pre-chopped).

      1. My favorite chineese cookbook is Pheonix Claws and Jade Trees. But, there are more meat dishes than veggy ones. HOWEVER, the veggie ones are amazing. My favorite is to stir fry some greens (any greens will do) in oil garlic and white pepper. Its deceptively amazing.

    2. Roasted vegetables are going to be your friend on weeknights. Google ‘vegetarian sheet pan dinner’ for some contenders.

    3. I would try quiche or frittatas. I don’t follow recipes for mine but others will probably have recs.

      1. +1 for eggy mains – Skinnytaste has a number that are tasty, high protein, and light

    4. I find the vegetarian recipes on Budget Bytes to be pretty good. Currently I’m loving the black bean avocado enchiladas (which may have been recommended by someone on this s i t e) — you have to bake themfor a while, but the hands-on prep time is only ~15 min.

      1. +1 for Budget Bytes (it was probably me that recommended it!)…she just did Vegetarianuary and put up loads of new recipes. The black bean quesadillas got me through college.

        1. Another +1 for Budget Bytes. I recently made the winter lentil stew and loved it. She just did a whole month vegetarian challenge so there’s lots of options there.
          My go-to vegetarian meals are: rice and beans; mujadarra, and a quinoa/cheddar/broccoli bake. I’ve been making it for so long I don’t use a recipe and don’t remember where it’s from but a quick search will probably find it somewhere.
          More generally, Mexican dishes tend to be easily made vegetarian–think refried beans and black beans.

    6. I don’t have any cookbook or website recommendations, but here are some of my heavy hitters:
      -shakshuka
      -stir fry, made with precut veggies (grocery), frozen brown rice (TJ’s), and eggs
      -sauteed/roasted/grilled vegetables over TJ’s frozen quinoa duo with chickpeas and feta
      -red lentil dal (red lentils should cook in < 20 minutes) and rice
      -pasta made with lentil penne and vegetables (plus a salad)
      -eggs baked on corn tortillas in the oven (in a ring of beans/cheese to hold the egg in) with salsa, guac, etc on top after it's done

        1. It’s based on this recipe, but baked because it’s way faster and just as good: https://smittenkitchen.com/2008/07/huevos-rancheros/ . I usually cook the tortillas a little in a pan because I like them a little crispy and then put them on a foil-lined cookie sheet sprayed with a little oil. I ring the tortillas in cheese around the edges, add canned black beans to the cheese rings, crack eggs in the middle of each one, and bake somewhere in the 375-425 range for about 10 minutes give or take. I poke the yolks with a fork to check the consistency.

    7. Pinch of Yum has a ton of options for meals that are super easy to prep. I’d recommend a crock pot or instant pot if you don’t already have one so you can make meals that are super hands-off.

    8. Indian food? I am in love with an Indian Instantpot cookbook that is mostly vegetarian.

    9. The New York Times just posted a list of quick vegetarian recipes. I cook primarily vegetarian, mostly beans (very quick if using canned, longer but hands off if using dried—I usually use my Instant Pot). My favorite cookbook is Deborah Madison’s Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone. I also use a lot of online recipes. Try Smitten Kitchen’s pizza beans for an easy crowd pleaser.

    10. Do you have an Instantpot? I think you can make beans from dried in under 30 minutes. I do it on the weekends because I can’t be bothered during the week. Beans are really versatile – I’ll make burrito bowls, salads, quick soups, etc. One of my favorite soups is a parmesan broth with white beans and kale. I make the broth once a month on a weekend and keep it on hand in the freezer – it’s like making chicken broth but use parmesan rinds instead of chicken bones.

    12. Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian. It’s a beast, but well-organized (and all-inclusive). I highly recommend.

    13. My husband and I made Mark Bittman’s vegetarian couscous earlier this month. We found it in his cookbook The Best Recipes in the World, but here’s a link from a blog–http://whatimadefordinner.blogspot.com/2006/02/bittmans-vegetarian-couscous.html. I would add an extra can of chickpeas if I were to make it again, just to increase the protein and make it heartier.

      The vegetable stew was delicious over couscous, as the recipe calls for, but we ate leftover stew alone as a side dish one night and over some brown rice for lunch one day.

      Also, I love Deborah Madison’s Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone. There are some great, creative recipes that can be used as main dishes–some quinoa salads, goat cheese enchiladas with mole, some delicious soups. She has amazing flavor combinations and sauces, so her recipes always turn out even better than they sound.

    15. Second the recommendations for Budget Bytes and Pinch of Yum. Budget Bytes just recently did four week vegetarian challenge with lots of main dish recipe ideas.

    16. My favorite Indian cookbook is The Best Ever Indian Cookbook by Mridula Baljekar. Indian food tends to have lots of protein rich veggie dishes. Mung beans have changed my life and lentils dripping in flavorful curries are wonderful.

    17. Vegan Planet by Robin Robertson.It was a favorite reference book for the best chef I’ve ever met, and neither she nor I are even vegetarian.

    18. If you have an Instant Pot or other pressure cooker, I recommend any of Lorna Sass’s cookbooks. Most of hers are focused on vegetarian recipes. I particularly like her clear detailed directions. They are also foolproof.

    20. Follow @ healthyish on insta. They feature lots of meatless mains, and I have loved lots of them, even when I didn’t think I would but gave it a try anyway

    21. Serena Wolf at Domesticate Me has lots of veggie-heavy or strictly vegetarian recipes. I’ve never made anything bad using one of her recipes and lots of them have become staples for me. In particular, I like her Roasted Cauliflower Soba Noodles and her stews/soups. Her recipes with meat are also pretty easily adapted to be vegetarian.

    22. Check out thevegan8[dot]com. This recipe for slightly spicy (or very spicy, as you choose) is from the new cookbook, I think, not the website; it is very fast and easy and delish. Also, unlike a lot of soup recipes, it doesn’t make an enormous pot, if you’re single and don’t want to eat the same thing for 20 meals. I brought some of this soup to my law partner recently and she made it the next week, she liked it so much. I’m planning to buy the cookbook.

      https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/food/one-jarred-ingredient-makes-this-lentil-soup-almost-effortless/2018/11/26/1213d2a0-edc6-11e8-8679-934a2b33be52_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.0d0f7d3286d8

    23. It’s late to comment on this thread, but I’ve been vegetarian for a very long time, and also dislike cooking elaborate meals on the regular. Last night, I made a Mexican “stew”– onion/garlic sautéed in olive oil, then added one large can of hominy, one large can crushed tomatoes, two cans of beans (I had pinto and black), along with a little bit of vegetable broth. Also put in a packet of Frontera Mole sauce, some salt, and some chili powder. (If I’d had a second packet of mole, I probably would’ve skipped any other spices…)

      Served with grated cheddar on top, with avocado, a dollop of sour cream, and some pumpkin seeds, along with a warmed tortilla. This took maybe 20 min to prepare — I basically chopped some onion and garlic, but otherwise just opened things and dumped them in to the pot. And even my 8-yr old ate it. Eventually.

  10. I have a problem where I feel like everyone thinks I’m ugly, socially awkward, and stupid. It’s basically like I feel like I’m a middle school aged girl. I’m 30, and I really do very well on all the above counts. At least I think I do and have data to support that. Regardless, how do I rewrite my internal narrative so I don’t feel like everyone looks a me as though I’m inadequate? I’ve tried logic, and I’m a logical person to a fault. And that doesn’t change this feeling.

    How do you rejigger your baseline thoughts about yourself to be less negative?

    1. Cognitive behavioral therapy. This isn’t just a quick self-care fix. You are engaging in cognitive distortions and a therapist trained in CBT can help with that.

      1. I agree that this sounds like something CBT can help with, especially since the data and logic don’t support these negative thought patterns.

          1. In terms of therapy, I’d start by looking for a therapist who does ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) and/or IOT (insight oriented therapy).

          2. I mean, what if you ARE ugly and socially awkward? And people do think you’re not that bright?

          3. That’s what I meant! My experience is CBT therapists will insist that these are just imaginary negative thought patterns even in cases where they’re accurate and justified conclusions. I suggested ACT and IOT (which I’ve personally only ever experienced in the context of DBT) as better alternatives if you do have good evidence that people think about you this way and want to work from there on what that means to you.

            CBT is great at addressing a negative thought spiral that’s not well founded in reality. It can be badly counterproductive when similar thoughts are accurate and triggered not by a chemical imbalance inside the mind but by other people’s actions and words.

          4. (Other people’s ongoing actions and words. If it’s past memories with no current evidence, like the middle school feelings the OP mentioned, that’s CBT relevant again.)

    2. Cognitive behavioural therapy! Either with a therapist, or just with a book like The Anxiety and Worry Workbook.

    3. Therapy to get to the root of those thoughts, Brene Brown, and positive affirmations (sounds cheesy, but you’ve got to retrain your brain to think good thoughts).

    5. I used to have the same issues on 1 and 2 but an acute awareness of how smart I am.
      What worked was using the baseline of the one thing I like about myself (my brainpower) to start a positive narrative. Then I moved to self-affirmations on a post-it note that I would repeat to myself several times loudly in front of my mirror as I get ready for work “I am worthy of love” “Good morning pretty woman”.
      Then I tossed money at it by upgrading my clothes and wearing things that fit me so well, I just couldn’t stop grinning.
      I started telling people that I am socially awkward and a late bloomer so they have to take everything I say with a grain of salt. Everyone says “you? nooo” or “You are just blunt, and your honesty is refreshing”
      Sometimes it is worth voicing your concerns to others to get the reassurance but don’t overdo it or you’d be fishing for compliments or worse, might end up getting a nasty response.
      The combination of self-talk, people telling you otherwise, and enabling yourself will make it better.
      Also I’m sure someone here will mention CBT but I have no experience with that

    6. I’ve been sort of evangelical about this lately, but meditating has helped me to deal with invasive thoughts. I went to therapy for about 6 months, fwiw, but I wanted something to help me keep up those skills that didn’t cost $250/hour and take time out of my week. Daily guided meditation has helped me keep on top of this.

    7. I used to feel this way a lot. As I’ve progressed through my thirties, the feelings have lessened. Here’s what has helped me:
      – Therapy wouldn’t hurt, but I’d also recommend diving into Brene Brown’s stuff, particularly The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought It Was Just Me, But It Isn’t. Unlike most self-help books, hers are at least research-based.
      – It sounds hokey, but exploring different types of personality tests have helped a lot with self-acceptance. You can’t take them as gospel, but they can be useful in highlighting patterns and tendencies.
      – But really, therapy could be very useful for figuring out why the problem is happening in the first place. Personally, I still carry around some residual effects from being rejected by peers in my formative years. Since I grew up in a small, rural town with not many options for making new friends or finding a new crowd, the experience sort of warped my sense of feeling accepted. Feeling like a middle-school girl is sooo familiar to me!

      Good luck!

    9. I get intrusive thoughts, about my looks and other things, and while I have tried much of the above- what ultimately helped me was a low dose of prozac that I take when I start really obsessing (for me, it’s usually correlated with a certain point in my cycle). I would try CBD oil as well, except my job is subject to drug tests by the fed gov and I’m not willing to risk it.

    10. Write down positive affirmations daily until you believe them. Sometimes I have to write them 5 times in a day but they really do help.

  11. Do you believe in the concept of a dream job? It could be that I’m heading into middle age and can’t legitimately claim to be a young up-and-comer anymore, but my so-called dream job really has nothing to do with the actual work. Just give me low stress and the ability to feel like I’m actually accomplishing something. It’s possible that I’m in a stage of life where I’m working to live, not living to work, but the dream job concept seems totally foreign now. I’m still doing fine by all accounts — in fact, 22-year-old me would be pleased with where I’ve ended up, but I have no idea what’s next or what would help me feel a spark in my career again. Can anyone relate?

    2. I agree with this. The job itself can’t exist in a vacuum. The people you work with can make or break it.

    3. Nope. I’ve always worked to live. It’s a silly American concept we are brainwashed with.

      1. +1 I dream to not work and be able to hang with my pets, do my hobbies, and stay in my pjs. I have yet to come across a job posting for that position.

      2. Agree- at the end of the day, even if you generally like what you do, you are most likely working for the benefit of someone else. The only measure is whether there is enough benefit for you to also stay and do the work. I say this as someone who literally has the best job I could imagine for myself- and yet, I’d still rather stay in bed and sleep most days and totally would quit if I won the lottery.

    4. I stopped believing in a dream job after I got a job that I loved and was really, really good at – but working for a person who was (literally) sadistic. When I woke up every morning in a cold sweat, knowing that someone in a position of power over me enjoyed seeing me suffer and would spend his day trying to make it happen, I stopped caring about a “dream job.”

      1. Ohhh, so much this, to the point where I ran from the industry entirely, which is never what my 22-year-old self would’ve imagined.

    5. I have sort of leveled out in my career, so I can relate. It feels weird not to have a next rung to strive for. I am trying more community involvement to see if that brings back the spark — a non profit board. The staff is really earnest and that’s refreshing. I don’t think it’s my path though, so I will be watching this post for other ideas.

    6. This may be awfully petty, but does anyone else hate the advertising campaigns for MMLF? I feel like the copy is always telling me what it feels like to be good at one’s job…as if I don’t already know. I find it patronizing. And the Bento box thing? Yuck, a bento should come with tasty Japanese food inside, not clothes. Is there anyone else out there who finds MMLF’s brand hollow and patronizing?

      1. I don’t care for the fake-sounding “quotes” they use. The store near me has some quote about “I’m heading into a $200 million negotiation and need to look like I eat bullets for breakfast.” It’s all a little too “girlboss” for me. Not enough to stop me from buying if I were interested in the clothes, but the price point seems too high for the quality.

        2. Yeah, some of their branding annoys me, too. Not everyone is in a dream job, but their branding seems to imply that their customer is in her dream job (without necessarily reflecting the difficulty of, I don’t know, having a job).

    7. If so, I sure hope that professional eternal-puppy-cuddler-on-a-beach-with-endless-and-consequence-free-pina-coladas is a job.

    9. I’m of the belief that your dream job is the one that best serves your life. Maybe I aim too low, but I’m always grateful that my job allows me to work with awesome people, have health insurance, think creatively, leave the office for court, have every other Friday off, and never check email on the weekends. The subject matter isn’t glamorous,but all in all I feel like I’m living the dream.

      1. That’s not too low of a bar! Embrace the happy! What I wouldn’t give for better (i.e., group) health insurance! (Actually, there’s an easy answer there–I won’t give up working for myself :).)

      2. Thank you for this great reframe. I try to remind myself of these same great perks of my job whenever I feel down about my career.

    10. I believe this is a very healthy viewpoint. I’m of the generation that was raised on “do what you love, and the money will follow,” and that you should love your work. I’m kind of convinced that these messages were created by some corporate board to convinced people to devote their lives to work. They are so unrealistic for the vast, vast majority of people.

      I’m happy if I have a job I don’t hate to go to every day, with people I like, that allows me to pay my bills and travel and not worry about money much, and leaves me enough time to do the thinks I love as hobbies.

    11. I know. I kind of giggle when I read that. Because dream job is still a job and it’s still going to suck Monday mornings and probably a lot more often than that.

    12. My dream job would be to take my kids to the beach everyday and somehow be fully engaged yet sit sipping a drink under a cabana at the same time. So, since that is impossible, I feel like my current job is just fine. I really enjoy the work, I believe in the mission of our organization, I like my coworkers, the pay could be better but is more than adequate for my low cost of living state, and my schedule is flexible and allows me to have a life outside of work.

    13. I totally relate. I’m a super pragmatic person, so maybe this is why I feel this way, but I don’t really believe in lofty romanticized stuff like soul mates or dream jobs, and I never have. Neither has anyone else for the vast majority of human history.

      Real life is great, but it’s also a grind filled with other people going about their business with their own lives and agendas, which may disagree with my own. I enjoy my work. I like taxes. I don’t work soul crushing overtime anymore. I get to have a comfortable lifestyle. I’m content. Am I in a “dream job”… uh…. no? Maybe? I don’t know.

      My husband is one of those “follow your dreams!” people who thinks everything should be some kind of higher deeply fulfilling thing, and as a result he’s miserable a lot of the time. I just don’t care about that stuff. I go to work to do a thing and get money. I’ve done all kinds of jobs and I like this one because I get to sit in a nice office and type numbers into a computer while listening to podcasts. I don’t really think that I’m helping people, except when I call the IRS, and that’s only because most people are too scared to call the IRS, so I can feel like I did something to ease someone else’s anxiety. The “dream job” concept is just not a big part of my life.

      1. CPA Lady, if you do taxes, you are definitely helping people. It’s really nice to be able to hand someone smart, knowledgeable, and nice a stack of papers and have them make sense of it all efficiently and with a greater sense of certainty than if I tried myself (which would involve probably 10x the time, which I’d spend really unhappy).

    14. I love my job. Like truly, I often wish there were two of me to do what needs to be done–not because I want to offload stuff but because it’s stuff I want to work on and there are not enough hours in the day.

      I keep the sparks alive by pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone a lot. Speaking events in my field are a ton of work, but I always come back feeling a bit more excited about what I do. Even just attending education often gets me looking at things with a new eye. So stepping out a bit helps a ton in staying excited. I also get a lot of enjoyment out of researching in my area–finding out about new technologies or practices and testing them out. Staying up on what’s current and experimenting keeps things fresh.

      I also try to focus on areas I like. One of my first bosses said how every job has joy and then the other stuff that’s just the crud you have to do and that the secret is trying to balance as much as you can away from the crud. I’m one of the go-to creatives at work, and I’ve become that because I’ve always stepped in and helped design things or write things or suggest different visuals–even when it hasn’t technically been my job. Continually pushing to things I enjoy through the years has helped shape the position where I am now, where I’m formally charged with creative direction. As I’ve focused more in that area, “crud” like project management has gotten less and less. So maybe some of it is looking at what you can do to get more in balance with what you enjoy.

      And the last big thing that’s key is that I have a lot of autonomy over my work. I was fortunate to be in a high Wfh situation and have leveraged that for substantial flexibility at jobs ever since. These days I go in 1-2 days most weeks. That keeps me still socially connected, while most days are freed up to focus on what I’m doing without all the office gossip and drama.(And dog time and PJ time.) I work long hours but not every day and a lot of it is when I’m in a zone and not because I have to.

      If I won the lottery I’d take off like anyone else. But I don’t know if that would be a long term thing. I’d have a hard time finding mental stimulation. I genuinely feel most alive at moments I’m creating something or sharing something I’ve created. I feel lucky for the moments where I get to experience that right now. I’d be sad to leave that.

        1. Digital media. I work for a publisher where my job is split between 1) product development (I’m the person who oversees taking new software/capabilities for a spin and determining what and how to make into products we can sell to our advertisers 2) ) marketing thought leadership for our advertisers (I oversee a website, newsletter and have a column in one of our magazines and 3) creative strategy (folks trust my eye and branding expertise, so I am part of the team guiding anytime our company is doing something like redesigning websites, developing new logos for new publications, creating new templates for emails, etc.) My job sort of grew out of my love of new technologies and my background in traditional journalism.

    15. No, i don’t believe in the concept at all. It smacks of a quest “perfect” and life never lives up to that. My best jobs have had some bad elements to them. And even the one job I had that was my dream job when I took it, became an ordinary job, and then not a dream.

  12. I haven’t made a new friend since college (I’m mid-30s), not for lack of trying, and yesterday I heard one of my colleagues tell someone (when he thought I was out of earshot) that I’m the dullest person he’s ever met. I know that guy is a jerk, but he’s sort of right. I don’t think I’m a dull, boring person when you get to know me, but I have a really hard time showing any kind of “personality,” especially in group settings. After years of practice, I think I’m decent at making small talk, especially one-on-one, but I’m not funny or charismatic at all and I can tell people try to avoid getting into conversations with me when there are other options. I’m especially bad when I join groups where everyone already knows each other, which is most of my social network at this stage of my life (work, daycare parents). I’ve never once been able to fit in and “click” with an existing group, and I’ve made my only close friends in situations where everyone was new (high school, college, etc.). Once I get to know someone well, I believe I’m a good friend (I have a handful of close lifelong friends and a spouse who think I’m hilarious and fun) but I just can’t get to that point with many people and never have been able to. Any advice? I feel like a lot of the advice about social awkwardness is about overcoming shyness and learning to mingle and that’s not quite my problem.

    1. Do you need new friends? I have a few close lifelong friends and great DH, I don’t really worry about making new friends. I enjoy chatting with colleagues at work or other daycare parents about hobbies/weekends plans but I don’t feel the need to transition these people to ‘friends’ that I hang out with outside of these contexts.

      And office guy is just a jerk to be trashtalking people behind their back. That has nothing to do with you.

      1. I should have mentioned that my close friends don’t live anywhere nearby. So I would kind of like more of a village here, both for practical reasons (emergency backup care) and emotional ones (having people to do things with as my kids grow more independent and need me less).

        1. I think I am probably similar to you (and I have tiny kid/s so my patience for small talk/bs is about at a level zero atm- even with people I love and want to spend time with). I’ve really enjoyed participating in local groups on fb- I have gotten to know a lot of the people irl through various meetups the group’s offshoots hold (1 of which I organize), and while I wouldn’t say we are bffs, it definitely has given me the sense of community I miss. Key for new relationships for me as an introvert is lots of small interactions over time that eventually build themselves into something else.

    2. That’s kinda of me too. I’ve had to accept that when I think I’m being chatty and open, people read it as extremely reserved. I lean on my strengths. I’m very thoughtful, caring, and interested in other people. I’ve made new friends by sharing cookies or delivering a meal when they’re recovering from child birth or remembering they just went on vacation and asking about that. I’ll never be at the center of the popular crowd, but slowly and surely I’m able to develop relationships. It takes time and a lot of hard work for me and a lot of rejection- you have to be willing to say “hey olaydate at the park Saturday morning? I’ll bring the coffee” often.

    3. This may sound corny, but the best way to make friends is to be a friend. Something that one of my friends did when we first started hanging out was to just invite me to do things. Whenever I texted her that I was coming, she would always reply with something like “yay!” or “I am so glad that you can make it.” It was a really nice touch that made me feel like she was genuinely excited to see me and that I wasn’t just a pity invite. I guess I am saying that you might need to be proactive and invite people to do stuff with you. If that is too much, ask someone for their advice about something. People are usually flattered to be asked their opinion about something they’ve got at least a tiny bit of expertise in. Good luck! And that guy at work was very rude, there is no excuse for saying something like that.

    4. I think this describes quite a lot of people (including me). Making friends as an adult is hard. You just sort of have to keep trying. Try things that aren’t likely to attract groups of people who already know each other. Art classes, exercise classes, go to the same gym at the same time of day.

      Once you have a handful of acquaintances, I find that being a planner helps with deepening those friendships. I sort of hate it because I’m always worried that no one will show up to my events, but people always do (and usually bring friends) and they’re always happy to have something different to do that someone else organized. I start with things that require minimal planning that I wouldn’t mind doing with just 1-2 people. Like, live music at a local brewery/winery. People can come and go, they don’t have to buy tickets, and it’s totally fine if only 1 person shows up. I’ve tried to organize wine & paint events (and similar) but people flake on actually getting their tickets and then the event sells out. I’ll let people know that I’m doing something cool like that but be prepared to go solo. If someone wants to come then great! If not I’ll still have a good time on my own.

    5. That dude is a Grade A *sshat. I feel you though. I’m sort of the opposite – I’m extra-extroverted, but I’m in sales and have to find a way to connect to all types of people and make them want to talk to me. I’ve learned one really important thing: people will think they had the greatest conversation ever with you when they did most of the talking. So, instead of trying to lead the conversation, I try to be curious about them, keep a few probing questions in my back pocket, and hope they’ll flip into story mode.
      Breaking into groups can be hard for introverts and extroverts alike. To get in with my closest girlfriends now, who are my old college roommate’s friends (we all happen to live in the same city) I had to sit back and just roll with them for a while before I got a lot of their idiosyncrasies. When they make an inside joke, instead of just laughing along and letting them go, I’d pipe up and say, “ha, there must be some sort of interesting story there!” and they’ll usually relish rehashing the tale and telling you how it came to be.

    6. Your colleague is a jerk.

      Also, it’s really OK that you’re not the life of the party. You have a husband and friends who think you’re pretty wonderful as is. I do think it couldn’t hurt to be proactive with the people you feel a spark with, in terms of inviting them to low-key gatherings and making a point of chatting when you see them. Most casual acquaintances just aren’t going to blossom into deep friendships, and that’s OK.

    7. Try meet-ups or other gatherings specifically designed to bring together strangers with a common interest. You’ve identified when you’ve been able to build those bonds – that’s a key. Now use that knowledge to get into situations where you can do that.

    8. I wonder if you are actually just being reserved, so that jerk thinks that you are dull just because you are not sharing the interesting things that you do/think. FWIW, I was pretty dull after years in biglaw because I just never had time for any hobbies/didn’t keep up with stuff so I felt like I had nothing to talk about. Now, I both do things I find interesting, so I have something to talk about (my hike this weekend, my upcoming vacation, the new recipes I’m trying, etc) and am better about being willing to share basic things with co-workers/random acquaintances. I’m still not going to open up about my dating life or family life to those people, but I will share about things that are not as personal.

      Also, I think it is just incredibly hard to make friends as an adult. I live in a city that is pretty transient, but still very much struggle. I’ve made a couple of close friends from a prior job and met some people at an event and developed friendships (but I think that is more because one of them is very outgoing, and kept inviting me to things). But I think the common advice to go to meetups and exercise classes isn’t very helpful. I have some people I see repeatedly at meetups, for example, but I wouldn’t necessarily call them friends – I’m not calling them up to see if they want to do something on the weekend, but just see them at events. It’s hard because your life is not structured in such a way that you are spending the vast majority of your time surrounded by people at the same stage of life, who are also looking for friends, and who all have lots of free time.

      1. Re: your first paragraph, I think this is a big part of it. My natural tendency is to keep individual conversations going by asking people about themselves, as someone mentioned above, so I rarely find myself sharing much about me. Which is fine – I don’t need to talk about myself – but that contributes to people not feeling like they don’t know me or that I’m boring. And I definitely tend to be reserved in group settings, especially when everybody in the group knows everyone else better than any of them know me.

        1. If you’re concerned about being perceived as dull – and it’s totally fine to give zero f*cks about that perception – then you need to allow yourself the vulnerability of being authentic with the people you work with. Crack the joke that you hear in your head but don’t say out loud. Mention the things you like or don’t like. When you ask someone about their weekend, volunteer a little information about yours. You can be choosy about who you start sharing with – not that guy, for example – but start with a few people so you begin to feel like you have allies.

    9. Ok so this is not you, but I was trying to think what makes some of the people I work with “dull” or someone I can’t imagine a friendship with.

      1) they are all business, only going to the break room to get coffee or whatever, minimal eye contact or interaction

      2) when I or someone else says “how was your weekend?” or some other inane chitchat, they say “fine” with no elaboration, and don’t ask me or the questioner something similar in return

      3) when we have office events like a birthday cake or something, they show up, have cake, and leave

      Overall, I just think of someone uninterested in office culture or friendships, which is fine. If you don’t want friends at work, that is totally an option. But if you do want friends at work, I think you have to force yourself to be more outgoing. People are not going to make the effort to get to know someone who is harder to get to know unless they see something there.

      I would start with things like asking people about themselves – people LOVE to talk about themselves! Maybe after you have that relationship with someone you could say something like, “I’m going to get a coffee, want to join me?” Less formal than a lunch invitation.

      I’d try to find common ground – so maybe try to make friends with another mom of small children.

    10. I have moved to four very different cities in the last 8 years (in my early 30s now), am single, childfree, and almost all of my close friends from hs/college/professional school live a plane trip away. I try to visit every one or host them/meet up every 2-3 years (which means I’m traveling or hosting about once a quarter) but we frequently talk on the phone so my life is not empty. I also am pretty involved in my community. I am an introvert who does well in social settings, mostly because of a decade of going to all events alone or as an odd-number wheel. I feel better and do better when I’m connected to a community and people, so I invest a lot of time in meeting people. Here are some of my tips:
      – Join a group that regularly has new members. For example, Junior League, female {profession} of {city}, cause you care about, fitness class (preferably when one starts, or at the start of the spring classes/whatever). They want you to join and/or stay but you’re probably not the only new one. Many groups will have “new member” sessions for a few weeks so you’ll meet others in your shoes who are generally eager to connect.
      – If you join an existing group, look for people on the fringes. I have found some wonderful friends in shy people or other newbies who aren’t in a ‘clique’ yet.
      – If you don’t like talking, or aren’t comfortable at first, invite people to do things where a lot of talking isn’t required. Meet for a movie. Or yoga. Or a volunteer project like Habitat.
      – Read the art of the gathering for when you host.
      – Learn how to ask people follow up questions. Echo above – people generally to talk about themselves and if you ask the right type of questions and learn when to ask them, they will tell you a lot and like you because you are a good listener. You have to occasionally share a fact or “I went to Mexico last year, I had the best ___ at ___. What is…[ask them something]” so they don’t think you’re a stalker but honestly most people don’t notice if the conversation is 75/25 balanced for the first few conversations. Get their email/number and follow up it was nice to meet them, ask if they’re going to the next event, if not, you can suggest an activity.
      – Remember everyone feels awkward or not up to it sometimes. I have attended several hundred gatherings by myself – marketing events, galas, weddings, etc. I left a happy hour a few months ago because I was tired, didn’t want to invest in meeting new people, and was annoyed that none of the event organizers thought through how to connect new faces to current members. It happens.
      – Only change your focus and efforts if you want new friends! People can tell if it’s genuine. If you are happy and whole in the relationships you have, don’t listen to the jerk and let his (incorrect) opinion sway your life.

    11. You’ve received good advice but I’ll add this: a constructive action you can take to become more interesting is to occasionally chat with people. Ask what they are interested in, how they spent a weekend, what their favorite part of a conference is, etc and then try to find one thing to add to that. I am an introvert but was raised by a really outgoing father who coached small talk well. Honestly, it is like a muscle that needs exercise, meaning sometimes I feel out of practice if I am not doing it enough but it comes back. Good luck.

  13. I have short legs, and a long…cr0tch to waist area. When I’m sitting down, I look like I’ll be much taller than I really am.

    How do you describe this shape? Is it short-waisted or long-waisted or something else?

      1. This is me, 100%. Combined with enormous knockers and an extreme figure, it is challenging. I am routinely over 170 lbs but wear a size 8 at 5’8″ (even at my heaviest when I venture over 180 and wear a size 10, no one believes it). I have a small waist and my bra band is a 30/32 but I wear a GG/HH cup. Nothing ever fits me.

      2. I think this is me. My waist and the bottom of my ribcage are practically the same thing. Not sure my rise is super long, maybe just longish. I also have, like, no waist at all anyway. Sigh.

    2. If you have a big distance from the bottom of your ribcage to your hipbone, that’s long waisted.

    3. Sounds like you have a long rise and possibly a long torso. My waist is close to my boobs/ribs than it is to my hipbones. So I have a short waist, but a longer rise. My overall torso length isn’t that long either.

      1. Yep, long rise and long torso. You could be short or long waisted depending on where ribcage sits compared to waist. I have this body shape too – at 5’8” I am taller than 6 foot tall people when seated and high waisted pants never get near my actual waist.

    4. Long-waisted = above-average distance from shoulders to waist. Long rise = above-average distance from waist to crotch.

  14. Shot in the dark: Does anyone have any experience living and/or working in the Jackson, MS area? I have a possible opportunity for work that could advance my career quite a bit, but am nervous about the relo to the area. I’ve always lived in more urban/suburban areas. I am married with a baby. DH is supportive and would possibly become a SAHD. Basically, it’s a dream job, but not a dream location. Looking for any advice/experience with the Jackson area in particular, or with this type of move.

    1. My husband is from Vicksburg and we visit his dad there frequently. There are some nice people of course but you could not pay me to live there. It is the deeeeeep south. I am way too liberal and hate the weather.

      1. I don’t live there, but travel there a decent amount for work and concur with this. And I live in another part of the South. That said, I would consider it a decent sized suburban town. The metro area is about half a million people. Downtown is pretty sketchy. The nice suburbs seem to be to the north of town (Madison is the only one I’ve spent any time in. It seems like a generic nice suburb town)

    2. I’ve been, and it is the THE SOUTH as the poster above said. My husband is an academic and for many years had to apply to jobs nationwide every couple of years. Generally universities are located in bigger cities or college towns that skew liberal, so we didn’t worry about applying to colleges in states that weren’t otherwise appealing (Texas, Georgia, South Carolina etc). There were only two states I prohibited him from applying to completely and they were Mississippi and Alabama.

      1. My husband taught at Mississippi State, and its not liberal. And of course Ole Miss is Ole Miss

    3. If you have never lived in the South, especially the deep south I think you may be in for a shock. The status quo in the deep south is working dad and stay at home mom. If I were you I’d worry about making friends since you are not going to be the norm. How old are your kids and where do you live now? That will play into the discussion as well.

      1. We’re in a midsize Southern city now. My family is from the deep south, so I don’t think I’d be in for a shock culturally. Our baby is under a year old.

      2. +1. I live in Indiana, which is culturally southern-ish but far less southern than Mississippi. Outside of certain narrow circles, we feel like pretty extreme outliers as a two working-parent family. My daughter is one of 3 kids in a class of 24 that doesn’t have a SAHM. I’ve literally never heard of any family here with a stay at home dad and I’m pretty sure if one moved here, they’d be treated like circus freaks. I personally think SAHDs are awesome, but I don’t think you should underestimate how hard this transition will be when your family setup is so unusual for the area. It will make you “different” in a very obvious, significant way, and the south is generally not so good with different.

      3. I disagree with this. I’m the poster below who’s lived in Mississippi. All of my friends in Jackson – and everywhere else in the state, for that matter – have two-parent working families. That’s true for the professional class of doctors and attorneys and that’s true for the more working class people I know. The only SAHMs I know are women who stayed home for a couple years while their children were young.

        1. Agreed from the poster below living in Jackson now. I do know a handful of SAHMs but they are definitely not the majority.

    5. Black woman here. Partner from the Jackson area. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10ft pole. And I’m from the Deep South, so I get it. But wow wow wow I would sooner die than try to raise a kid of color in Mississippi.

    6. I don’t know – I think you can find your tribe anywhere and Jackson has a growing community of open minded people trying to make big changes. If the job is amazing and you visit and are interested, and don’t have anything holding you back, I’d say go for it. Some Pros: Low cost of living, lots of opportunities to get involved in a meaningful way in public life, close drives to gulf coast beaches, a few hours from New Orleans and Memphis… Jackson isn’t a terrible place to live (caveat – I’ve never lived there myself but do have a lot of relatives who do which is where I learned the above!).

    7. I lived in MS for a few years. The saying that “Mississippi isn’t a state, it’s a country club” is true for a reason. You can meet any white, upper middle class person anywhere in the state and they are no more than 3 degrees of separation from any other white, upper middle class person anywhere else in the state.

      In your shoes, I’d go just to experience something new and different – that’s how great life stories are formed. It doesn’t have to be forever; it can just be an adventure for a few years. Jackson has quite a foodie scene. The culture in the Delta is worth exploring. Ole Miss’ football tailgating is on many “things to experience before you die” lists. You’re right there near New Orleans, and that’s a frequent weekend spot for many people.

      As for schools, your options in Jackson are Jackson Academy or Jackson Prep. That’s just kinda the way it is. Though your baby may not be school-aged if you’re only there for a while.

      Politically, the state goes like much of the nation: lower class whites love Trump because they like the narrative that they’ve been wronged; upper middle class whites are aghast at how undignified he is and many formerly Republican women will tell you in private that they preferred Hillary; and African-Americans and professors/artists/etc are liberals.

      Mississippi will creep into your heart. It’s languid and lush and the people are friendly and the food is divine. It’s a special place, for sure.

      1. I know this is supposed to be selling Mississippi but it sounds absolutely ghastly to me…(Except for the food. I would visit for the food.)

    8. Regular poster here but anon for this since it would pretty obviously out me. My husband and I are both from rural Mississippi and have lived in the Jackson area for about 3 years. We’re happy, and Jackson is the only place in Mississippi we would consider living, but I know several people who have moved here from other states (both in and out of the South) that have had a hard time adjusting. Some things to consider….Living in Jackson proper is almost impossible due to rising crime, high property taxes, and terrible infrastructure. But there is virtually no commute from any of the surrounding suburban areas, and the public school system in Madison is generally regarded as one of the best in the state. Also, St. Andrew’s is an excellent, but expensive, private school option for PreK3-12th grade. My husband and I are liberal and have many like-minded friends but this is certainly a deep, deep red state. No glossing over that. There are two private colleges and two HBCUs in Jackson that offer lots of community events and there are opportunities for touring Broadway shows, a good local theater, a symphony, and the like. The International Ballet Competition is hosted here every 4 years and the newly opened civil rights museum is excellent. We love being so close to NOLA, Memphis, and Birmingham but flights in and out of Jackson are challenging and limited. The cost of living can’t be beat and we’re lucky to have family close. I’d say Anon at 10:47 is spot on in her descriptions.

  15. Quick update: mixed results, so far. I am feeling much more hopeful about my ability to change my life because I have stepped away from a deadend relationship that was obviously failed. I joined Match, which may have been a mistake, but I took advice from friends and I’m trying, but so far nothing is happening. A few guys have messaged me or liked me, but messaging is not going anywhere. It’s either “what’s up” with no more substance, or I message them and get radio silence in response, or the guy who seems to be misinterpreting everything I say. Not sure if it will pan out better, but I feel like I have taken a step to the promise of something/someone new. This whole thing is scary and I feel constantly like I’m doing it wrong and I am getting absolutely conflicting advice from well-meaning friends, but trying to keep my head on straight.

    1. Maybe avoid online dating if it’s not working for you right now. A friend who ended a 10 year relationship last summer recently met someone in a couch to 5K running course. She said it was nice to be able to chat with him weekly without the pressure of it being a ‘date’ until it was clear that there was chemistry and he asked her out. Pick something you’d like to do anyway so even if you don’t meet someone you still have fun learning to do the activity you’re interested in (painting/running/rock climbing/art history/whatever).

    2. Online dating sucks! You aren’t doing it wrong. It won’t work overnight. You’ll gradually figure out what works for you and what apps you like. And while you’re doing that I highly recommend something where you’ll be interacting socially with men on the regular. Wine tasting club? Social dancing? Volunteer commitment? I’ve found it fruitless in terms of meeting men to date but somehow it keeps me in an open friendly state that’s been conducive to dating.

    3. I just wanted to say that I’m cheering for you! Great job for putting yourself out there and stepping away from your past relationship. I always enjoy reading your comments on here, you seem super thoughtful and fun, can’t wait to hear about a guy who deserves you.

      1. Thanks so much! My girlfriends keep telling me that someone will come along who will appreciate me for how loving and badass I am, but this sure is hard. I just keep thinking that putting myself out there and being open to someone/something new will open up my possibilities, even if it’s not Match.

    4. My advice with online dating is only respond to people who reach out with a real message hat indicates they read your profile and are interested in you. It means you won’t be on there all the time, but you won’t waste your time. All those “hey, what’s up” are just spam/someone messaging everyone hoping something sticks. No better than a bar. It takes a while, but if you’re selective, it can be great. You can reach out too, but I had far less success that way (lots of actually dating others leave their profiles up), but follow the same rule – send a real, considered message.

      1. That’s what I’ve been trying to do. It’s only been a little over a week, so trying to keep my expectations in check.

        2. Omg…I have been online dating for literally YEARS. You need to seriously lower your expectations!

          1. Ha ha, yeah, I know. It just feels so weird. I also have never really “dated” so this is all really new to me and I totally feel like an a-hole with a lot of these guys.

      2. I’ll be the voice of dissent here. I have been using only Bumble for a while now so I’m in charge of the initial convo. I gave up trying to be witty on a first contact–I end up getting too invested and it’s too much effort to put in when it’s all a numbers game. I really prefer idle chit chat at the very beginning anyways and want someone to be able to strike up a conversation somewhat easily about their day/weekend/the weather/whatever comes to mind. Good to know I may be limiting myself, but my point is not to totally discount the boring intros. My typical first message is: Hey, John! How’s your weekend going? It’s not that I’m not interested and I rarely message more than one or two new people each week, it just feels somehow creepy to inquire about the details of their profile–even though logically I totally know that’s the point of the profile!

    5. I haven’t lived there, but I have traveled there frequently. I’d say Jackson is surprisingly metropolitan for its size. There’s a decent food scene, including some vegan/vegetarian offerings. The music scene is pretty heavily blues-focused but is more robust overall than comparably sized cities I’ve lived in in the Midwest. There’s a double A baseball team.

      As with every single town or city in the Deep South, I’d hate to have to make decisions about sending my kids to school. The choice is very often between a poorly funded public school or private school with a largely white student body. Private schools were often created as a direct response to desegregation, so that’s… not great.

      The mayor is a young, African-American activist and is pretty fantastic at both governing and at addressing some of the more profound issues affecting citizens. Your Congressman would be a Democrat, but your Senators would be. a couple of elderly racist white people.

      1. Oh,man. that’s so clearly in response to the poster inquiring about Jackson, MS. So sorry!

    6. Don’t worry. There are plenty of guys out there, and all it takes is one. I would not expect it to come overnight, either b/c on line is very difficult when all you have is a picture and a bio that is staged. If there is anyway you can meet guys in person, that is easier, but there are NOT that many places, even in NYC. I am still looking, and I too am of quality stock and have a good job and have a couple of good years left to have a baby, so keep trying, b/c that is what I am doing. YAY!!

    7. Commiseration! I’d try a couple different apps, Bumble and Hinge have worked better for me as of recently. I paid for Match for a while a few years ago and while I had a few OK dates off it, it felt slowwww. The key is consistency, I try to take a break mid-morning and swipe/message for 10 minutes. It doesn’t happen every day, but maybe 4/7. Yesterday, for example, I swiped a few minutes until I matched with 4 guys on Bumble, sent out 4 messages, and got 2 replies back which turned into really nice conversations through the afternoon/evening. I try not to go on at night unless I’m talking to someone, I’m always harsher on myself when I’m sitting at home with my cat swiping.

    8. Also want to add- have a friend that you trust look over your profile and give you constructive feedback on the picture/info you posted. I had a friend (male so ymmv) that has a specific sense of humor and although I know how he is in real life and find it charming, if I saw his profile just online I’d never message him and be super turned off. I helped him tweak it and he had much better success. He did end up finding someone on match and got married to her a few years later.

    9. Internet stranger sending you best wishes!! I had a similar question recently and it gives me some virtual strength that you’re trying new things and sound hopeful about a different future. I’m so happy for you. I don’t online date but hear that it takes time. I decided to try to be more open and as a result had one of the weirdest dates I’ve ever had last week – not weird, inappropriate/open-mouth kissing/violent kind of stuff that I hear about, more weird like totally not what I expected. I was able to laugh about it because I had a friend to call the next morning who reacted how I hoped (“he What?!”) and because I know that new things take time. And because of people like you who are also out there, trying new things and growing past old relationships! Kudos to you!

      1. Wait. That came out wrong. I’m not happy for you that online dating feels weird/messaging is weird. I’m happy for you trying new stuff and open to change and UGH sorry it came out wrong!

        1. It’s totally fine! That post was pretty funny. I’m trying and it’s only been a short time. We all just need to support each other!

    10. One more comment on this. I met my husband on Match 5 years ago (I’m 55). I was on Match for about 6 years off and on. I would get discouraged, get off and take a break, and then try again. I also worked with a dating coach, Evan Marc Katz, either in a group class or just reading his blog. I learned a lot. My husband winked at me and then I responded to him, not much effort, just said hello and we went from there. I had learned from Evan that men get a lot of rejection, so it pays to take a step toward them. Good luck! I hope you find someone as I did (but on a much faster time frame).

      1. Thank you! I just think it’s weird that I guy liked me and, after I looked at his profile, I liked him and messaged him and I got nothing back. Why bother liking someone if you’re not interested in even answering a message? I guess I just don’t get this thing… the weird thing is that I was in the loft at church that Sunday and I swear I thought I saw the guy in the congregation. But he bolted right after church so I couldn’t tell. I’m just trying to tell myself that I’m putting myself out there and that’s better than not. A friend of mine (in a much higher income bracket than me) is meeting with a matchmaker! I just don’t know about that – it’s an interesting thought, though.

        1. Not sure you’re still reading this, but I finally came to the place where I spent most of my energy on guys who responded and very little time or thought on guys who don’t or drop off somewhere in the process. (In turn, I occasionally dropped out early when I wasn’t feeling it and didn’t sweat it.)

  16. Shoe shopping help. I need some flats or sandals that look decent with dresses/skirts but are comfortable enough to walk miles in. Looking for some shoes for a sightseeing vacation. I have a narrow heel. If sandals, I don’t want any straps between the toes as those just tend to rub a blister on me. For reference, my best-fitting pair of flats are Frye (but don’t have enough cushion to be comfortable on long distances). Anyone seen anything recently that might work?

      2. I wore those Mariannes on a sightseeing vacation last summer and just purchased a second pair last week in a different colour! They run half a size long. They are amazingly comfy but you need athletic sock liner thingies in them if your feet tend to get sweaty. They have held up well too, I brush the white sole with toothpaste and an old brush when they get too dingy.

    2. I was going to suggest Frye sandals actually- I walk miles and miles in mine despite the fact they aren’t the most padded, they are the most comfortable sandals ever.

    3. I don’t think sandals are made for walking miles in, honestly. Or at least they’re not for my feet. (Thin, high arches, narrow heel).

      1. YMMV, of course, but I’ve been able to trek miles in uneven cobblestones in my Naot Kaylas. Same foot shape you describe. I have the “biscuit” leather version, which sort of disappear onto my feet; they were comfortable out of the box.

    4. I don’t know if huaraches are still in, but I have a Naturalizer pair from a couple years ago that are super comfortable and still going strong.

      1. Do those really have enough support for a closed shoe?

        I usually opt for Xero sandals (no support, barefoot style), but I max out after 3-4 miles and need support after that.

        1. It’s really easy to add more support to these since the insole is removable. Added insoles are able to sit well without any extra bulk if you swap them out.

          1. Oh, awesome! They look so low profile that I didn’t realize that was an option.

          2. I’ve tried insoles and haven’t been able to get one to fit. I guess I need to size up in my Rothy’s to be able to add an insole, but what kind have you had success with?

          3. I’ve always had success with the half insoles that have heel and arch support but don’t go the entire length of the flat.

    8. My Birkenstocks are more comfortable then my running shoes when I am walking all day. I live in NYC and feel adequately chic in Gizeh’s during the summer, but I am Park Slope-adjacent so my sartorial standards may be skewed.

  17. Looking for Copenhagen recommendations. I’ll be traveling alone. Is two nights long enough to see the city? Any recommendations for hotels, restaurants, etc.? Is Tivoli worth seeing or is that a more kid-oriented atmosphere? I love strolling through gardens but I don’t really love crowded amusement parks. Also, and this is sort of embarrassing, but I don’t know how to ride a bike. Is that going to be a problem?

    1. You don’t need to ride a bike, I’ve been to Copenhagen several times and never used one. I wouldn’t say Tivoli is a must-do but there are some nice gardens there and I enjoyed walking through it (I also dislike amusement parks).

    2. Rosenborg gardens are a must. If you’re into modern art, you’ll love the Louisiana Museum, which has great indoor and outdoor spaces, but it’s a half-day trip once you ride the train up and back. I didn’t ride a bike when I was there at all, the bus system and train are really easy to navigate and the city is super walkable. I only stayed 2 nights and have a huge list of things I want to go back to do, so in my opinion, spend as much time as you can!

    3. If you want to see everything, no, 2 nights is not enough, but you can certainly see a lot and get a flavor of the city.

      Lodging: I stayed at the Generator hostel, as I was backpacking solo, but had a private room. Reasonable rate, great central location, clean, had my own en suite bathroom & shower, stylish, quiet for a hostel, and very cool central areas for lounging.

      I’d recommend skipping the mermaid statue, I found it (bluntly) boring and a waste of time.

      I loved: Christiansborg palace, the Round Tower, Sandeman’s free 3 hour walking tour, my day trip out to the Kronborg castle, Fredericksburg Slot. A few churches, too. The Tivoli was closed, I went in February.

      Have fun! It’s a fantastic city and I recommend it all the time.

    4. What time of year?

      I think two days is perfect (and hotels are so expensive that if you wanted to spend more days there, I’d recommend staying across the sound in Malmo, Sweden, and taking the train in every day). Tivoli has a nice summer concert series (I think many of them are free?) if you’re not feeling the amusement park part. Biking is not at all mandatory, though it’s fun to see how popular it is (walk around the outside of Copenhagen Central Station to see all the bike parking! It’s more bikes than I imagined the world had.) Torvehallerne food hall is great – Broens Gadekøkken is also good, though more international food and can get very crowded at times. It has a great view of Copenhagen though – if it’s a nice day out, their patio would be a great place to enjoy a glass of wine.

      There is a museum of design – I’d check it out. It’s a surprisingly nice place to cafe hop as well.

    5. We stayed for 4 nights and did a couple of day trips which I really recommend. But 2 days should be okay for Copenhagen itself depending on what you want to see. We walked everywhere except to the day trips (which are Kronborg castle, Louisiana Museum, and Frederiksborg Castle).
      We liked the King’s Garden near Rosenborg Castle, the Kastellet, the Botanical Garden, and the Royal Library. We stayed at Wakeup Copenhagen which is basic and modern. Be sure to try their open faced sandwich “smorrebrod”

  18. Is anyone else frustrated by the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries being first? Just heard on the news this morning that former AG Eric Holder is giving a speech at Drake Law School in Iowa and it made me cranky. The 2020 election is probably one of the most important ones in our nation’s history – on the level of the first election after George Washington and the election after the Civil War – and it’s going to be mostly decided by a few thousand people before the rest of us even have a chance to weigh in. I understand that Iowa and NH have laws on the books that require their primaries to be held before anyone else’s…which just seems patently unfair to me.

    1. I am from Iowa so I think it’s awesome :) And I think saying the election will be “mostly decided” after the Iowa caucus and NH primary is a bit of an overstatement. But yeah, I generally understand the complaint, especially since Iowa and NH are not demographically representative of the US.

    4. You’re overestimating the importance of the early primaries/caucuses and of this election.

    5. I don’t know, I kind of appreciate that a bunch of Coasties are forced to talk to Midwesterners early in their campaigns once every 4 years.

    6. Sorry, your argument just don’t hold water: elections are about money. The Iowa and NH caucuses have very little to do with picking the President, but they do help weed out candidates who can’t raise money and organize. If you want a particular candidate to be the nominee, you can donate to them today. Start organizing in your own community/state for them, and get other people to donate to them. In today’s world of modern news, you can hear and watch basically every speech they make, so while only a few people vote on those first caucus days, the vast majority of the funding they get is national. An organized candidate with solid funding will be moving on past Iowa to many more caucus and primary nights.
      Plus, it’s become an American tradition, and what’s so wrong with that?

    7. Here’s something that I think is often over-looked: People in Iowa tend to take their role very seriously. I lived in Iowa for 8 years and have lived in several other states. The caucus requires that you spend several hours on a cold, dark night, sitting and debating with your neighbors. At mine, people all seemed to have met or at least heard the candidates in person. (One man at one of mine said “I don’t speak for anybody whose hand I didn’t shake.”) It’s a big deal, much different than the “I like his ads” kind of approach that I’ve seen in other states where I have lived, or the “bop in and vote for 5 minutes any time over a couple of weeks” way it works in states with early voting.
      It’s not perfect, but media is cheap enough that it gives smaller names a chance, the electorate is engaged and educated to an impressive degree, and it is not the litmus test it once was.

      1. Yep, I’m the Iowan who commented above, and people do take it very very seriously. Most of my friends go to at least one townhall and try to meet as many of the candidates in person as possible. I think people who don’t live in Iowa don’t appreciate how invested most Iowans are in this process.

        1. I’m so happy to hear that people take it seriously. It gives me such hope that we will be able, as a nation, to figure a way out of the current mess.

      2. Yes, I’ve gone to Iowa to campaign for several candidates, and I would wholeheartedly agree with this assessment. Please remember, too, that Democrats are caucusing for Democrats and Republicans are caucusing for Republicans. I have seen zero “I’m caucusing for the other side to try to muck things up”. So while you may not think the state overall elects candidates of your party, that doesn’t really translate into how the individual caucuses vote for a Presidential candidate.

  19. Thoughts on the reports that Klobuchar is harsh towards staff? She does have high turnover, but I seriously suspect sexism. No one wants to work for a tough female boss even when they’ll do it for a male. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she’s tough and demanding, but I would be surprised to hear that she’s truly abusive.

    Also, I fear for how many sexist comments and versions of “I’ll vote for a woman, but not her” this time around. Sigh.

    1. I feel very torn about it. She sounds worse than just “tough” or “demanding” to me, if the reports are true she seems verbally abusive and someone that would be truly unpleasant to work for. I worked in Big Law for 5 years and think I’m pretty good at managing high expectations and demanding personalities, and the stuff that’s been reported so far is worse than anything I encountered in Big Law. That said, there’s obviously a HUGE double standard and I suspect this wouldn’t be a story if she were a man.

      And yes, all the Bernie bros who swore they’d love to vote for a woman, just not Hillary, have now rejected Elizabeth Warren because of the Native American business, Kamala Harris because of some stuff she did as a prosecutor, and now Amy Klobuchar because of this stuff. So yes, definitely shades of “I’ll vote for any woman! … who isn’t actually running.”

      1. goddamnnit Bernie and Bros Co – GO AWAY BLERG

        (that’s all, just wanted to get it out)

        1. I feel the same way. My finest current contribution to civility is not screaming in the faces of Bernie supporters while standing in line for coffee or whatever hipster item I’m purchasing at that point. Oh, there was no difference? Hillary is going to win anyway? Thanks a lot, jackass.

      2. I understand that Bernie bros are annoying, but I thought, statistically, Bernie supporters did end up voting for Hillary.

        The Bernie supporters I personally know are currently hopeful about Kirsten Gillibrand. I’m sure that sexist Bernie supporters exist, but they seem way, way more prominent online than in real life.

          2. I assume we’re all just trying to find someone we think actually has a chance at beating the incumbent? I personally think that excludes every woman candidate. And even if Bernie were otherwise electable, it’s starting to look as though being Jewish counts against candidates again in 2019. It’s discouraging.

          3. LOL, I’m Jewish (not very religious though) and I find Bernie off-putting for many reasons but one of them is that he seems to have no pride in his Jewish heritage and never brings it up. It feels like every other candidate is always talking about how they pray and go to church, and Bernie never talked about his faith (or even his culture) at all. It’s hard for me to believe anyone who isn’t a Neo-Nazi finds him too Jewish to vote for, but I guess it’s possible.

        2. I personally know at least five or so white guys who supported Bernie and voted for Jill Stein or didn’t vote in the general election. They all live in my Midwestern home state, which was very much a swing state in this election, so it’s not like a guy in CA or NY who can stay home knowing that his vote won’t affect the election.

          1. My cousin was a Bernie bro Jill stein voter. It somehow still felt sexist to me. Maybe because it seemed like he voted against Hillary rather than for stein?

          2. A vote for stein was a vote for trump. They were really saying “I’d love to vote for a woman as long as I’m absolutely sure she won’t win”

        3. But I think it’s an unconscious s*xism, not an overt “women are better than men.” It’s like they can’t parse out why they like Magic Grandpa who is promising legal weed and free college rather than Some Old Woman who reminds them of their mean mom who sides with their girlfriend about dividing household chores.

          Thanks for letting me vent.

      3. +1 that’s my frustration as well. The lesson of 2016 was “they will vote for any idiot before they vote for a woman.” We ignore that lesson at the peril of the nation. Just run some combo of Biden Beto brown (Bernie? Booker?) and save the dang country, please.

        1. Not Bernie. You can’t overlook the Republicans (many of whom now identify as conservative independents or ex-Republicans) who despise Trump but who absolutely can’t stomach socialism. My dad is one. He would vote for Biden enthusiastically and I believe would eventually get on board with Booker or Beto. I’m 100% sure he will never cast a vote for Bernie. He’s obviously just one person, but I think he represents an important voting block in the Midwest.

          2. We really do exist! I’m an anti-Trump midwest moderate Republican with a crush on Joe Biden. Would vote for Beto as long as he never takes us to the dentist again, and I think Cory Booker is the real deal.

      4. I find it unbelievably sad, but I think the fact that it’s not just coming from right-leaning sources looking to smear every Democratic candidate – it’s been reported on by BuzzFeed, HuffPo and the NYT – is pretty damning. However, just as you say, would it be a story if she were a man?

        1. I’m late to this discussion, but I don’t completely buy that it wouldn’t be reported if she were a man. Didn’t I read an entire book (Fire and Fury? The Trump books are blending together in my mind) and multiple articles about Trump being an impossible boss with high turnover? One of the Klobuchar articles said staff was coming forward because they thought her administration would be as messy as Trump’s and that sounded reasonable to me. I agree that the women are being critiqued more harshly and held to a much higher standard than the men who are throwing their hats in the ring, but I’m not sure Klobuchar is explained by sexism (as I thought when I first clicked on the articles about her as a boss).

    2. I’m keeping an open mind. If the reports are true, it’s a big problem for me. But in general I try to not make my mind up quickly. I’d like to learn more about all the candidates.

    3. I live in Minnesota. I appreciate what she’s done for us in the Senate, but it’s been an open secret in Minnesota that she is … beyond not nice. My foster sister was treated very harshly in a criminal case because the treatment brought Klobuchar good press. The judge in the case pushed back multiple times and flatly refused a couple of demands. I held my nose and voted for her versus the Republican, but I’m very uncomfortable with her candidacy.

        1. So you’re saying she’s also very ineffective? Because Selina Meyer is pretty incompetent, in addition to being foul-mouthed.

          1. I am not that familiar with the show, and I do think Sen. Klobuchar is effective. I understood the comment to be related to the level of ridiculousness related to interpersonal dynamics. So perhaps it’s more accurate to say “scenes” rather than “entire episodes.”

    4. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about abuse as it sounds like she was raised in a home with an alcoholic father. Abuse would be more common in that environment.

    5. I live in MN, used to be in politics, have spent time in DC, and the rumors are true. I have not worked for her but know people who have, smart, capable people I have a lot of respect for, and it’s well-known in DC that she’s monstrous. The turnover stats in a town that sees a lot of natural turnover point to the truth. Even my much younger sister, when looking for an internship a few years ago, remarked that she wasn’t applying to her office because “everyone says its the worst place to work”. This isn’t a case of “she’s just a demanding boss and is percieved worse because she’s a woman”.

      1. Agreed. I worked in the Clinton WH, was screamed at by Rahm more than once, and have worked in BigLaw for many years. I also know her and some of her former staff. I think the stories that haven’t come out yet — about the types of personal tasks she has (allegedly) made staff do — are the thing that are going to end the candidacy.
        I always view allegations like this as having some basis in sexism. (And remember that Hillary’s own emails demonstrating her warmth and care toward aides meant basically zero.) But in this case, Amy has made a series of bad decisions in ways she has treated her staff and in the things she has asked of them, and I think this will sink her, either in the short- or in the long-term.

        1. +1

          In BigLaw for 20 years and I can remember one person who threw things. This is going to sink her. Not b/c of sexism, but b/c do you really want a thrower running the country when there are non-throwers you can pick instead?!

          1. To be fair, if Trump throw a binder at a staffer, it wouldn’t be in the Top 100 craziest things he did that day or possibly even that hour. I know ideally we want someone sliiiightly better next go round, but I also think the “we need a better leader than this” kind of statements are a bit problematic, given our current leader.

    6. OP here and ugh. It sounds like everyone has heard that she really did cross a line (from varied and legitimate sources). This is so disappointing because she looks like a really strong candidate otherwise and I won’t be able to totally ignore this.

  20. Husband is only child and in his 40s. MIL visits for a long weekend every other month. (FIL is deceased.) Husband visits w/o me about 3 x/year, and I go along 1-2 x/year. (We don’t have kids.)
    In her home, MIL often wears a shirt and underwear for lounging/for sleeping. It seems odd to me when I’m there, but it’s her home. Sometimes the shirt is from a pj set but other times it is a sweatshirt — it is never a longer sleep shirt designed to cover the bottom half.
    In our home, MIL does the same thing. On the most recent visit for MLK Day weekend, MIL sat on our couch with her feet up on the couch in a shirt and underwear.
    I think this is weird. Husband says she would be offended if we gave her lounge pants or a sleep shirt as a gift. (For the record, she has both already.) She is 75, so his take is that my being weirded out for a total of 3 weeks/year is a minor thing given that she will likely only be able to visit us for another 5-10 years at most. He says he understands why I think it’s strange but that we shouldn’t say anything. What do you think? Am I just a prude who should keep my mouth shut?

      2. I think she was trying to imply that he’s a momma’s boy. But I thought it was an odd detail to include too.

    2. No real advice, but this would absolutely bother me as well. What happens when people stop by?

      1. I presume that the woman either puts on pants or does not care. I am curious as to why it would bother you?

        1. To see my mother in law’s private areas in only panties?!? Come. On. Srsly? You think this is normal?!?

          1. “Private areas”!? Is she wearing a string thong? Do you never go to a pool with your MIL? Normal underwear provides as much coverage as a standard swimsuit bottom.

          2. And yet waltzing around in normal underwear is not socially acceptable and neither is wearing only a swimsuit bottom if you aren’t swimming adjacent.

          3. It may not be socially acceptable but freaking out about her “private areas” seems kind of dramatic. They’re covered by underwear!

      2. No one has ever come by when she’s been pantless at our house. Though maybe I should text the neighbor? :) Thanks for posting — the pantless thing has been odd to me but the feet up on the couch last time were just a bridge too far.

        1. I’m confused. Was she wearing shoes? Why is putting feet on the couch an issue?

        2. Ummm you were bothered by feet up on the couch (what is a couch for, if not putting your feet up?) and not the old lady in her underpants?

        3. I think your thing about feet honestly just reveals how uptight you are generally. You need to relax. It’s a few times a year.

          1. It’s not about the feet — it’s that if you are sitting with knees bent and feet on the couch, there’s a lot exposed. Hopefully that makes sense.

          2. Oh ok so you’re cool with feel on the couch just not in that state of undress? That makes sense to me. I read the post and was like, wait are there people who never put their feet on the couch??? My feet are on my couch like 99% of the time I’m sitting there.

        4. I don’t think you’re being too uptight. It’s not ok to insist your son and daughter in law view you in a state of undress.

          I imagine that this is an abuse/power thing. She violates a social norm, then acts victimized when you ask her to stop. Often these people will care about their image to outsiders, so yes I’d call the neighbors. Tell them it’s ok to come in without knocking and see if she runs for a bathrobe.

    5. I wouldn’t love it but I would leave it alone.

      I also think it’s fine to gift a nightshirt as long as it’s not obviously 100% different from what she wears. Something similar to what she wears just slightly longer. Like a tshirt style nightshirt that’s more mid thigh length vs a maxi-length nightgown. I would package it with other bedroom/bath stuff though like bath bombs, sleep mask etc.

      1. I disagree regarding the gift (although the rest of your gift idea sounds lovely). Do not give people passive aggressive gifts. Gifts should be given because you think the recipient will enjoy it, not because you want to passive aggressively tell someone they should wear something other than what they’re wearing. That said, I think OP could have an honest conversation with MIL and, if it seems appropriate, offer to give her some nice loungewear so that everyone can feel more comfortable.

        1. I agree. You deal with this by talking to her, not by giving her a passive-aggressive “gift” that she clearly doesn’t want and has no use for.

    6. “Please put pants on.”

      That simple. Don’t ignore it aminute longer. Don’t explain beyond “I’m not comfortable hanging out with you without pants. Please put them on.”

      This is objectively insane. Don’t apologize or negotiate or worry about her reaction. “Shrug, pants are a must here” is allyou need.

      1. It is not objectively insane. You are objectively ignorant if you think there aren’t different levels of acceptable nudity/undress in different families

        1. If you arent comfortable with a guest in your home not wearing pants, you get to tell them to put pants on.

          1. but it’s not just her home and her DH is comfortable with it. Anoon at 12:35 didn’t say you can’t ask someone to put pants on but it’s not reality to say that it is ‘objectively insane’ that close family members might be something other than fully dressed at home.

      2. I don’t think it’s objectively insane but I do think you need to put your foot down. The tack to take is that house rules include pants — don’t bother arguing about what’s objectively right or wrong here. Your house, your rules, her pants. But you need your husband to buy in.

      3. “Objectively insane” strikes me as a bit of an overstatement. My dad sleeps naked and would like to lounge around in just underwear too but we make him wear pajama bottoms in public areas of our house, because we have a young daughter and men’s underwear tends to reveal things. But if we didn’t have a young daughter I’d probably let it go. I wouldn’t be uncomfortable seeing my MIL in her underwear, it’s nothing I haven’t seen in pools and women’s dressing rooms.

      4. Underwear is designed for beneath clothing or to be seen by an intimate partner. Full stop.

        In my experience this is agressive behavior meant to push boundaries. She knows it makes you uncomfortable but then does it anyway.

        1. Anon @ 12:55, you are failing to see that there are clearly different view points to nudity and underwear within families- as many people here are stating… so it’s not that clear cut. If it doesn’t bother the husband, it’s likely he grew up with a different set of views on clothing.

          1. What I’m failing to see is what’s at stake for the husband and mother in law. I get he’s not grossed out, but the op is. How is it better for her to be forced to look at this than for the mil to be asked to just put on pants? Or a robe? Or a nightgown?

          2. Well, he wants his mother to feel comfortable in his home and to be treated like family not just like any old house guest. Presumably this is normal for his family and this is how his mother is most comfortable, since she behaves the same way in her own home. This isn’t normal in my family and I wouldn’t be super comfortable with it either, but I understand what’s at stake for the husband – making his mother feel comfortable in his home.

        2. It’s not aggressive behavior to have different family norms in different families.

          It’s common to dress differently within the family home. The same way women who wear the hijab will often take it off within their own home, many people have different norms how they dress in the family home vs. outside the family home.

          Passive aggressive stuff like inviting the neighbors over doesn’t change the situation. Like of course she will wear different things in front of strangers vs. her own family.

      5. +1 to “Please put pants on.” I’d maybe ask husband to make the request a few weeks prior to the next visit. It’s totally reasonable not to want to see your in-laws in their underwear.

      6. Thank you – how hard is it to say “please put pants on” …..this is a ridiculous debate and why haven’t you already asked her to do so?

    7. I think this is something you have to let go. I can see it being an issue if you had young kids and they were starting to model her behavior, but since the only people in the house are adults I think it would be kind of you to recognize that she’s 75 and this isn’t a hill to die on.

      1. Young kids are naked or in various states of undress half the time too. This wouldn’t bother me with kids either, but I know people have different views on it. There’s a funny scene in one of the first episodes of blackish where they discuss different family views on this.

    8. I come from a family that is very cool with nudity and states of undress/undies are normal w/in my immediate family – but I don’t think my mom would do this in front of my husband… however, meh, I’d just leave it be personally, not worth fighting over imho.

    9. Ugh. I can see why you are weirded out. How long has this been going on? If it’s been years, I kind of think you have to suck it up. If you haven’t been married long, then maybe you can say “I’m sorry and I know it’s prudish of me, but when I was growing up we always were required to wear pants and it just makes me uncomfortable… would you mind terribly indulging me and wearing your sweats in the living room?”

      But… typing it out I realize there’s really no diplomatic way to say it, is there? So… ugh. And also? I am gobsmacked that there are so many commenters who wouldn’t be bothered by this.

      1. +1

        I think as a society we should agree to wear pants when we are guests in other people’s homes.

        2. And that’s a reasonably line but this is family, not just a guest, which makes it different to me.

          My husband and brother in law hang out in their boxers all the time in our various homes when we visit (we live far away so there are always sleepovers) and it just does not seem like any deal at all…why is a woman in her underwear so different?

          1. If she were wearing boxers (basically short shorts), I bet it would be ok. But MIL lounging in her underwear. Sorry, but yuck

          2. My family is the same. As long as everyone’s as covered up as we would be on the beach, that’s covered up enough for family. I don’t have strong feelings about it, and it would seem weird if it were always just the one person, but I think some people on this thread need to be more realistic about how family traditions can vary.

          3. It may not be. I’d be extremely uncomfortable to see my husband’s father or his brothers hanging out in their boxers. I’m actually more OK with seeing my MIL or SILs in their underwear, although I think it’s entirely appropriate to ask guests to wear more than their underwear in the public areas of your home. (And anyone who does not live in the home full-time, even a family member, is a guest of that home–except maybe college kids.)

            We vacation with my MIL one week each year, and she always throws a robe over whatever she sleeps in when she comes to the kitchen for coffee and breakfast. (She gets dressed in real clothes later.) OP, if your MIL is for some reason opposed to pants, maybe she’d be OK wearing a robe in the public areas of the house?

          4. Because you’re comfortable with it and she is not. Full stop. Also – you see your BIL in his boxers? I have to tell you if no one else will – OP’s reaction is by far the more expected reaction. Most people don’t see non-blood relatives in their underwear or are comfortable with it. And before you make some false equivalence between boxers and shorts 1) boxers have an open flap and you are one wrong bend from seeing his whole privates 2) underwear shows a lot more than boxers.

          5. She’s the blood relative of OP’s DH. Blood relative vs. non-blood relative distinctions are not relevant after marriage.

    10. I think it’s perfectly reasonable of you to request that she wear pants in your home. I would be very uncomfortable around anyone other than an SO who is in that state of undress on the regular. I even expect an SO to put on more than boxers to chill in the common areas.

      1. “I even expect an SO to put on more than boxers to chill in the common areas.”
        To me, that’s crazier than a pantsless mother in law!

    11. You are not a prude, that’s weird. But I don’t know if it’s worth the trouble to fight her on.

      1. This is SO far out of line. I am genuinely shocked that not everyone is appalled. I don’t care if she is 75 and a relative. In our house, you wear pants.

    12. This would bother me so much. People should wear pants.
      I was just complaining about my MIL but at least she doesn’t do this.

    13. I’m so confused by so many things. Like, how was your first reaction anything other than, OMG I’m so sorry I walked in on you changing (… in the middle of my living room)! I’ll be in the kitchen until you’re decent! Oh you just don’t wear pants around the house? No please put on pants like rn thx.

      But I think this is something you have to say the first time it happens. Not like… the 100th. At this point I think you’ve kind of established that this is acceptable. It’s your house so you can certainly change the rules, but I think your conversation with her should reflect that. “I know you’re more comfortable not wearing pants at home, and I really did try to accommodate your preference, but it turns out I’m just not comfortable with it. I’d appreciate if you could please cover up more in common areas.”

    14. OMG you are a saint and I would never have put up with this even once in my house! You need to wear pants when you sit on the couch, full stop!!!

  21. The deal is dead. Inspection uncovered some major systems (boiler, water heater, AC, sewer pipe) all needed immediate replacement/meaningful repair. Probably $20k of work. We were only holding firm on the boiler/water heater unit ($9,200) and not event going after the other stuff, and the guy is refusing to negotiate or get his own opinions from his own vendors. He insists the home is in tip top condition. It’s a truly great home that just had sub-average ongoing maintenance by the 30-year owner. We are so upset, but I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right decision. We were already paying top dollar for our budget/comfort level and for the house relative to market value (heck, we were over paying and we knew it).

    His strategy is to take it off the market now and relist it in May “with all of the flowers blooming in the yard” at a higher price. He’s delusional, but you do you buddy.

    There will be more. This was a great gut check on what we can afford vs. what we want to afford. We don’t have any pressure to move and can enjoy our currently low mortgage in the interim by saving a ton toward the next forever home that comes on the market. Thanks to the hive for your constructive advice!

    1. At least in this situation you will never wonder what-if! Kind of best of all worlds (except for the world in which you got a perfect house).

    2. Bummer. You’d undoubtedly have found other stuff after you moved in. Next.

      We lost out on a house for similar issues (in our case, foundation work needed, so $50-$100k) and just like your situation, the sellers wouldn’t budge. I think they were insulted that we thought their beautiful home needed any improvements at all. So we walked away, and a few months later bought the house we are in now. We had regrets for a while, even would drive down the street and look at the lost house once in a while, but then we saw the trucks arrive and start working on the foundation, and they were there for months, so we know we dodged a bullet. (Months of foundation work >$100k, no question)

      You’ll find your home. You really will.

    3. If I remember correctly, you don’t consider your $100k commission as part of your salary or budget. If you are still planning to move, I would really consider putting that amount away for your down payment fund. The cost of the house seemed reasonable to me if you considered your commission, and this would be a way to keep your monthly costs down.

      1. This is 100% the plan. We did decide to go ahead and replace our pool liner at the current home because that would come up in an inspection for sure if we tried to sell… and if we’re here for this coming summer we really just need to do it. That’s $5k well spent so that karma doesn’t come around to us when someone comes to inspect OUR home. Otherwise, we’re saving anything above my $100k base so that the next home is a little more comfortable financially.

    4. You dodged a bullet. I bought a 2 year old home that meticulously maintained. We did a 5 hour inspection that found nothing. A couple months after moving in, our AC completely broke. A freak thing. It was under warranty. NBD. But the point is — Inspections don’t catch everything. Imagine what you *don’t* know about the house. Potential disaster.

      1. I feel like it’s murphy’s law that something large scale MUST break within a few months of buying a house, no matter the original state of the house. We had a huge leak that destroyed a bathroom- at least the insurance payment let us remodel the bathroom.

  22. What’s on your Los Angeles/Southern California bucket list? After living here a few years, I’m moving to another state. Before I go, I want to make sure I see all the sights! I’ve done all the touristy stuff and have no interest in things like the Third Street Promenade. Tell me your favorite restaurants, secret tours, and historical sites.

    1. Biltmore hotel and the murder mystery
      A walk on the elevated walkways downtown on a gorgeous day
      A Pasadena craftsman architecture tour

    2. Both Getty museums, of course
      Union Station — LA Conservancy does really great tours, then take the Gold Line to Chinatown and have lunch at Homegirl Cafe
      Gamble House in Pasadena if you love architecture (also in Pasadena: Huntington Library and Gardens, Norton Simon Museum, lunch by the pool at the Langham Hotel)
      Edison Nightclub downtown
      Perch downtown for brunch
      Peterson Auto Museum
      Korean Spa Day — I like the Olympic Spa because they have a great cafe right in the spa
      Grand Central Market
      I haven’t been to the Broad Museum but I hear it’s great, and the Otium Restaurant right next door is fabulous, if very expensive

    3. Inbtwn Venice and 3rd street there is an adorable little street called main street (park near Urth Cafe). It’s much more low-key than either surrounding tourist destination.

      1. Also, dtla- go to central market, angels flight & the bradburry building. There’s an organization that does walking architecture tours and I had a really great time doing one (just yelp it & it will pop up). The victorian houses on Carroll Street. If you are around when the lotus’ bloom in echo park, it’s also fun to go to. Old Town Pasadena (& the rose bowl flea market). Eat lots of chopped fruit w/ chile from road side stands. :)
        I’m a native angelino living on the east coast and these are the things I miss.

          2. Please feel free to keep adding! I’m loving all these suggestions. I’ve done a few (Edison, Rose Bowl flea market, Angels flight, lots of fruit stands) and now I’m planning to do some of these great ideas – Korean spa day sounds fun, architecture tours, Carroll Street, Union Station and Homegirl Cafe. Keep’em coming!

    5. Biased, bc I am from there, but go tidepooling in Palos Verdes, have a drink at Terranea, and stop by the Cabrillo museum in San Pedro to see all the sea creatures in a really cool, intimate setting.

      1. Assuming Cabrillo hasn’t changed much since I was a kid going on field trips, I recommend an umbrella as protection from seagull droppings.

    6. – eat at King Taco
      – eat Korean BBQ
      – eat at Norms
      – tasting menu at Bazaar
      – cocktails at bungalow
      – cocktails at shutters
      – wine at Malibu wines
      – bike from Torrance to Venice on the beach bike path
      – hike in Palos Verdes
      – take a day trip to Catalina
      – Black Rabbit Rose magic show
      – see Jay Leno at Hermosa comedy and magic club
      –

  23. I recently accepted a new job and am in discussions about my start date. I would like to ask for 2 weeks beyond my 2 weeks notice to decompress from the situation I’m in now, so that I’m refreshed and ready to work when I start the new job. Is this a fairly normal, reasonable ask? I’m so grateful for the job I don’t want to flub anything up. Past jobs have always been a clear “We need you to start ASAP” situation, where I knew not to ask for additional time.

    2. It’s fine to ask for longer, but if they say they need you sooner I would do it, even if it involves giving less notice to your current job so you have some time to decompress. Better to tick off the ex-employer than the new one.

    4. yep, normal to ask and normal to be advised they need you right away…..I ended at former employer on Friday and started with new employer on Monday….I had one weekend and it worked out fine. Would have been nice to take 2 weeks off but very often doesn’t work out that way. What are you decompressing from? Starting the new job will certainly be a healthy distraction….

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