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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Sometimes you just need a basic machine-washable blouse that goes with everything, and this top from J.Crew really delivers. Wear it with skirts, trousers, jeans — it doesn’t matter. It’s always going to look great. I bought it in both “dark evening” and ivory, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be wearing both once a week.
The blouse is $89.50 full price — but today you can get 50% off — at J.Crew and comes in sizes XXS–3X.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
SSJD
Love the model’s necklace.
Seeking input on hostess gifts when traveling abroad. I am visiting Chile and will meet up with a work colleague who has offered lovely home hospitality as well as touring guidance and companionship (she and her husband will join my husband and myself). Any thoughts on a good hostess gift? It needs to be travel friendly (not liquid; not heavy or breakable so no candles). Here at home, my go-to hostess gifts include wine, candles, Stasher bags, nice wooden spoons, and beautiful French dishtowels. Those latter items could work in this instance, I guess. But are there other things people really want from the US that make nice hostess gifts? Please share your good ideas.
Anon
We have cousins in Chile who my parents visited several times. I don’t know your colleague’s lifestyle, but I can tell you that our cousins do not need any material things from the US. Their lifestyle in Santiago is wonderful. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bring a gift, but I can’t think of anything quintessentially American (and made in the US) that would make a better gift than something you’ve already suggested.
Anon
I would bring maybe a box of super fancy chocolates or wine, and send flowers after.
Anonymous
I would go with the spoons and dishtowels…
Former Parisian
Just buy some nice wine, chocolates or flowers locally. Unless the hostess requests something specifically that can only be bought in the US, most stuff is now available to buy worldwide and may actually be nicer in Chile. No-one really wants anything from the US.
Cora
It depends where you are, I have just been asked to bring specific books and electronics on a work trip . . .
Anonymous
Food from your region in the US. I think something brought with you shows advance thinking and appreciation – which is the point, not the gift itself. This could be an iconic item from your hometown or something more mundane, like chocolates from your favorite local candy store.
Seventh Sister
One of the stores in my neighborhood sells fancy dishtowels and a few other items with a map of the town on them. The design is cute (sort of like old New Yorker covers). They also have some smallish coffee-table books about the region which might be a nice gift.
Anon
I am not aware that there’s anything desirable and hard to find that is associated with the US broadly (I feel like USA is an outlier in this respect), but sometimes when traveling it can be fun to bring something that is local to you (if you live somewhere with an amazing coffee roaster or chocolate maker, or have some local specialty like maple syrup).
anon
This is my preferred approach, but traveling internationally with food gifts can be hard given that some countries have agricultural quarantines/prohibitions on the bringing certain items in. I learned this the hard way in Australia (which is particularly strict, I know).
Anecdata
Chile is also very very strict on agricultural imports (because it’s fairly geographically isolated & almost functions like an island) so double check anything food related
Anon
Good to know, thanks!
Anon
Bourbon barreled maple syrup would be my go-to in this situation.
anon
Can take them out to dinner at a nice restaurant?
OOO
+1
Anon
I would avoid any type of food – it’s just a pain to cross borders with it regardless of the published rules. You could do a piece from a local artist – in my area, they make beautiful ceramics. Personally, I would treat them to a fabulous dinner or excursion on the trip and have flowers sent to their home.
Cerulean
Something locally made, like a serving plate or linens would be nice.
Anonymous
I usually schedule delivery for flowers and a card the day after I visit
Acorn
The necklace is also from JCrew: https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/accessories/jewelry/metallic-chainlink-necklace/BS719?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=burnished-gold&colorProductCode=BS719
Runcible Spoon
I have found that a coffee table photo book of U.S. national parks and/or Ansel Adams photography or something is will be a good reminder of your work relationship, is something they can proudly display at home or at the office, is uniquely American, and is unlikely to cause offense. (It also works in situations where there may be a language issue.) It is a bit heavy to carry, but compact, so it can fit into checked luggage. Don’t forget to pack a gift bag and some flat-folded tissue paper for the ceremonial gift-giving.
Anonymous
When we visited our au pair’s family in Brazil we brought Jiffy cornbread mix, maple sugar candy, a can of New England clam chowder, and a small loaf of cranberry bread. The parents had never been to the U.S. and even if they didn’t like any of the items, they were are distinctly American and they had fun trying them all. I’m a New Englander so that might be more regional than national, but still not items commonly found in Brazil.
Anonymous
What do you guys do with rotisserie chicken meat? Just found a bunch of it in freezer I had forgotten about, all (dry) white meat
Anon
Old stuff from the back of the freezer, I would throw away.
Anonymous
Same. That’s not going to taste good.
KJ
Chicken noodle soup. Build a vegetable base and just toss it in at the end.
Anon
Add it to a pasta or green salad to make it an entree.
Anonymous
If it’s not freezer burned, throw it in some soup.
Anon
My freezer is good, and stuff that’s been in the freezer a long time is typically still good (this wasn’t true of my previous fridge so I know this varies). I’d use rotisserie meat in a soup or chili. A lot of grocery stores have “Hatch green chile” in jars these days; it’s amazing for a white chili w/rotisserie meat and a little chicken broth, garlic, and cumin. I eat it like that, but my sister melts in cream cheese for some more richness and that is also pretty good.
Ellen
You can make chicken soup out of it if when you thaw it out, it doesn’t stink like a dead squirrel. But I would err in favor of throwing it out or giving it to the city in their recycle bins. I do not like to eat bad food, and there is all to much of it these days in the restaurants, which just throw everything into their soups and call it fresh! I call it garbage that we eat b/c we are to lazy to make it ourselves. So it’s up to you. If you have a husband, see if he will eat it. But if not, right into the City Recycles bin! YAY!!
go for it
Add to pasta sauce. Let it sit a bit to absorb.
anon
My experience is that frozen cooked chicken doesn’t hold up well. I tend to save it for when my dog (who has a delicate stomach) has to be put on the chicken and rice diet. I will care if it’s dry, but he does not.
Anonymous
I would make tacos/quesadillas (I like the hatch chile idea) or throw it in with a can of Glory canned greens for a makeshift meal. Mixing into some beans would also be an option. I’ve had it stay edible for a good while in my freezer, but this is something I’d probably make for just myself.
Gail the Goldfish
This chicken posole recipe: https://www.publix.com/recipe/chicken-posole
anon
I agree that I would throw away the forgotten freezer find.
However, my favorite thing to do with rotisserie chicken in general is homemade chicken fried rice.
Anon
I’m not eating “forgotten” food from the freezer ever. Best case I’d thaw it and feed it to my dog, who would be delighted.
Anon
That’s a little insensitive.
Belle Boyd
Chicken casserole
Shredded chicken to fill a 9×13 baking dish
Mix 1 can cream of mushroom soup and 1 cup sour cream and pour over the chicken
Salt and pepper
Make 1 box of Stove Top stuffing per box directions and spread over the chicken/soup-sour cream mixture.
Bake at 350 until hot and bubbly.
Easy! My friend calls this comfort food at its finest!
Anonymous
Oh, on that theme–poppy seed chicken. My mom used to make it all the time when we were kids and I had totally forgotten about it until this moment.
Anonymous
I had blouses like that in the 80s and 90s and found them annoying. Love the color, though!
Anonymous
They don’t like you either!
Anonymous
Yes, I’m sure they found me just as annoying, lol
Anon
Question specifically for high-risk people or spouses of high-risk people: have any of you decided to drop COVID precautions and “go back to normal?” I’m questioning whether I might. I’m pregnant now and our child will be in daycare, so our risk is going to HAVE to go up no matter what, and I want to travel and do fun things and not mask in indoor settings. I do travel and do fun things now (hiking, skiing, mountain biking, etc. – COVID-safer outdoor activities that have let me have a life), but I want to do things like take a long flight without the inconvenience of masking or eat indoors at a restaurant. We also want to make local parent friends (and local friends of ANY kind – we moved just before the pandemic and only have a few tepid friendships with colleagues in our local area). There is some evidence to suggest that for my particular high-risk condition, the risks of negative outcomes might not be as bad as initially believed (there is some risk, to be sure, but there’s risk in everything). However, my doctor said (blithely) “keep masking, it’s probably best.” Has anyone else weighed this kind of decision-making? Have you done any compromise approaches (e.g., only mask again during surges?) I wouldn’t make any changes until after pregnancy. Thanks in advance.
Anonymous
Not a spouse but a parent. The examples you gave have vastly different risk profiles. A play date with another family is much less risky than a long haul flight. We still mask in crowded airports but not on flights. At least a couple people have been masked on each recent flight as well.
Before a play date, just mention you are high risk and ask if anyone has been exposed to Covid recently. You can always not attend or attend masked if they have.
For restaurant dining – go at off peak times so it is not crowded. Mask until your food arrives etc. There are ways to keep your increased risk lower. It’s not a straight mask/no mask.
Anonymous
and sit by the door!
Anon
I got Covid one of the first times I did indoor dining, even though I wore a mask and only took it off to eat. It’s definitely not foolproof :/
go for it
I mask in bus terminals, airports, and on planes and always have (even pre-covid) because I prefer not to
catch stuff on any fun trips! It is an inconvenience I can deal with.
OP
+1
Yeah, I always mask on planes/airports/major travel scenarios. I’m high risk and traveling to a big family funeral over several days pretty soon. No way do I want to be the one who picks up COVID and helps spread it to all of my elderly relatives in one place. Never mind get it myself, honestly. I just heard from my neighbor when she returned from her last funeral, COVID rapidly spread to almost half of the attendees. It is what it is.
I know too many people who have flown somewhere and gotten picked up COVID and had to cancel trips/cruises etc… even if they weren’t that sick. I mean… it’s a plane ride. You’re not missing a lot of quality time life/socializing on an airplane.
I do still eat at some restaurants without a mask, try to eat outside when able or off hours.
oops
Sorry – I’m not the OP on this thread.
Anon
I guess I feel like if you’re high risk, the benefits of continued masking probably outweigh the risks. We were fully masked indoors (including no indoor dining), but otherwise living life normally from spring 2021 to summer 2023 and it was fine. Not being able to travel and see friends during the pre-vaccine stage of the pandemic hugely affected my mental health, but wearing a mask on a long flight and dining outdoors didn’t really bother me. We did eventually stop masking after we both had extremely mild cases of Covid (we both got it from removing masks briefly indoors or on planes to eat during travel — masks work!), but I have no regrets about masking for as long as we did and I wouldn’t hesitate to continue masking if I had a high risk family member. We also had a kid in daycare, who never did get Covid that we know of (and definitely never infected us) so while I agree that group childcare is a high risk activity, getting Covid from it isn’t a sure thing and I’m not sure it makes sense to abandon other precautions just because of a kid in daycare.
Ellen
I got covid and am on the mend after a week. Whoever gave it to me should learn to cover their mouth when they sneeze. Ptooey on him/her/it.
No Face
Daycare and later school will bring a huge number of viruses into your household because the kids are with each other for hours and hours most days of the week. I basically don’t get sick any other way. The precautions you take elsewhere won’t even matter that much TBH.
Anon
This right here. Just be vigilant with what you can: hand washing, hand washing, being alert to changes in anyone’s health.
Anon
Agree as to most viruses, disagree as to Covid. I think maybe because Covid is so transmissible in general (you don’t get flu from dining 20+ feet away from someone with flu) and comparatively less transmissible in kids?, but both my husband and I got Covid for the first and so far only time from travel, despite having kids in daycare and school. Covid is the only illness I’ve gotten in >15 years that didn’t come from one of my kids.
Anon
I got Covid several times via daycare. I work from home and don’t go anywhere. :(
Anon
Yes, I’m not disagreeing that it’s possible for adults to get it from daycare via their kids, but I think (unlike other viruses) it’s very common for adults to get it from non-kid sources so I don’t think it makes sense to give up on other precautions just because you have a kid in daycare.
Anonymous
Why don’t you go anywhere?
No Face
We got COVID from daycare unfortunately.
Anon
I was curious if Covid really is less transmissible in kids, but I’m not sure that is true? Or maybe they thought that at one time, but the opinion changed? At least my cursory Googling has that opinion: https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/public-health/study-sheds-light-sars-cov-2-transmission-homes-kids#:~:text=Although%20younger%20children%20had%20lower,COVID%2D19%20in%20their%20household. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2783027
Anonymous
we definitely got covid from our elementary-aged school kids. the whole idea that it wasn’t transmissible was just politics because they needed schools to open so people could go back to work. plus virtual learning wasn’t working.
Anon
We’ve had covid 3 times in the household, each time from school or camp. I work in a government office, go to a courthouse multiple times a week, and take the subway, never mask anymore (though I wash my hands A LOT) yet each time the covid clearly came from school or work. I haven’t been sick in years except when it directly came from school or camp.
Anon
I’m high risk, not immuno compromised. I’m continuing to mask indoors and avoid crowded areas. I’m one of those people who do not find masking inconvenient though, and have masked through cold and flu season for ages. I am finding that more and more places are upgrading their air filtration systems. I went to get take out a few weeks ago and the owner of the place was showing me the new filters they are putting in, and saying he hopes it brings people back to eat indoors. My husband stopped masking a while ago, he found it to be a burden.
Anon
I’m not high risk, but spent my whole life getting sick almost every time I flew somewhere. It’s ruined so many trips, and resulted in several bombed job interviews. Wearing a mask on the plane and in the airport seems like a tiny inconvenience compared to all the time I’ve wasted being sick. That doesn’t mean you have to wear keep wearing a mask for everything else too. Balance the situations where exposure risk is highest, though unfortunately day care is the big one you won’t be able to control.
anon
I’m not high risk, but do wear a mask during air travel. The one time I didn’t mask while flying, I got horribly sick. Not covid, but some other type of cold/flu bug.
Anon
Same, I’m not terribly worried about Covid but I continue to mask on planes. I don’t want to get sick (Covid or anything else) on vacation and have the trip ruined.
Anonymous
This. I will never stop wearing a high-quality mask on planes, trains, and public transit, or in theaters. Even before COVID, I was starting to wonder whether I should start masking on planes because I would inevitably catch something that turned into weeks or months of bronchitis.
Restaurants are the difficult thing for me. It’s a high-risk situation that is low-reward for me (we can eat outdoors 9 months of the year and get takeout the rest of the time) but is very important to my husband. The only time we caught COVID was on a vacation where we were masking everywhere but restaurants, and I really didn’t think those few indoor restaurant meals were remotely worth the massive disruption to our lives that 2+ weeks of testing positive for COVID caused.
The other big issue in my family is masking at school and at work. My daughter stopped masking at school this year because she was getting ignored during class discussions. This is a legitimate issue and most of her classes are very small so the risk is somewhat lower. I am not thrilled but her decision seems like a reasonable risk-benefit calculation. My husband is returning to the office early next year and has stated that he will refuse to mask, even though he’ll be working in a giant open space with hundreds of people and no cubicle walls. I don’t think his decision is fair because if he brings home the flu or COVID he will spread it to the rest of the family. On the other hand I mask for large in-person meetings, large choir rehearsals, small meetings and rehearsals where anyone seems sick, etc.
All of this should be read with the understanding that my family is at moderate risk for severe disease and complications. If anyone in the house were high-risk I’d demand masking without exception.
Anon
I’m high risk and the one time we had COVID, in May this year, my husband brought it into the house. I got the sickest, of course. That’s like a duh for me – I’m taking immunosuppressants, what did you think was going to happen? I was sick for three weeks.
He does all the grocery shopping and always has. I was WFH the other day as he was headed to the store and I said, “hey I’ll tag along.” As we’re nearing the store I asked him where his mask was and he finally admitted he doesn’t wear one at the store. It’s some sort of peer pressure thing for him. No one else is wearing one (in his opinion) so he feels awkward being the guy in the mask. I told him he was putting the opinions of strangers, who probably don’t even notice whether he’s wearing a mask or not, ahead of his wife’s safety. And I also pointed out once we were in the store that plenty of people were masked, including the staff.
He tells me he’s wearing a mask to the store now. I’ve decided to believe him. For now.
Anonymous
This is my husband. More concerned about what other people think than about his wife’s safety. Also somehow believes that caving to peer pressure makes him independent and doing what I would prefer makes him henpecked.
Anon
I don’t know what you can do about this, but it sounds like a very difficult situation. I’m sorry.
Anon
I’ve definitely wished that I could, but things don’t seem to have changed enough for my risk factors that this appears to be a genuine option yet. Drawing the short straw w/my condition would also prevent me from traveling and socializing, but while feeling awful instead of while feeling okay. So I figure if the world is not back to normal, acting like it is won’t make it so.
But I definitely do more things when transmission is low (though we only really have wastewater to go on now), since life is all about playing the the odds. I confess that while I dislike masking, I don’t think masking in crowded, indoor public spaces is that big a deal and plan to do it forever on transportation and when shopping or in crowded theaters. I haven’t gotten sick with so much as a head cold since I started masking, and this has really improved my quality of life and even calmed down some of my autoimmune stuff quite a lot.
For now I’m thinking of it a bit like a boil water advisory. I would be enraged if after years of a boil advisory, I still had to boil my water. But my rage wouldn’t lead me to just stop boiling the water one day and take my chances. Until indoor air is clean and/or transmission levels are low, unmasking in public spaces indoors means breathing air that I have good reason to think is infectious. So far I haven’t woken up one day and felt that today is the day I want to do that!
If it were one and done, I might feel differently, but immunity clearly doesn’t last all that long at least with high transmission and mutation rates, so how many times am I willing to roll the dice on serious complications or pushing my condition from manageable to refractory (which is one of the risks for me)? I know people w/my condition who did relatively well the first and second time around, but not the third time around. So I wish it were otherwise, and I know people are working hard on getting us to a better place (with sterilizing boosters, variant proof boosters, improving indoor air quality, a new Evusheld, etc.), but my impression is that we’re really not there yet and that’s consistent with my doctors’ advice.
So for now I’m still socializing outdoors (I’m lucky to live somewhere with enviable weather) and masking indoors until things start looking better. This does make it harder to build relationships with low risk people, but by the same token, it’s strengthened my relationships with other high risk people and people with very high risk kids.
Anon
Thank you, this is helpful to think through.
Anon
+1 from another high risk person who adjusts her precaution level as the outbreaks ebb and flow.
Anonymous
+1; the most recent data I could find has an 11 percent risk of long Covid for the current variant for the general population. But we know that there are higher risk levels for people with the listed preexisting conditions, and some of us have more than one of them; I have 3. So I am still being careful.
Anon
I thought that planes have been found to be relatively safe given the significant air filtration – it’s the crowded airports that are the greater risk from travel, no?
Anon
I’m skeptical. Planes are better than other indoor environments, perhaps, but it’s nothing approaching outdoor air and if there’s a sick person nearby it’s still a very significant risk. Anecdotally, we’re pretty sure my husband got Covid from a plane flight where he was mostly masked but took it off for maybe 20 minutes to eat. There was a person who was clearly sick directly across the aisle from him.
Anon
This is correct. But they don’t start filtering until they take off. So it’s most important to mask in the airport and while boarding and deplaning. But I’ve also read all the epidemiology papers for all kinds of outbreaks and the filtration mostly helps prevent whole plane infections. If there’s a sick person within a few rows of you, you’re still likely to get sick. Plus the dry air makes your nose cells more susceptible to infection, so I figure it’s easier just to keep my mask on (I’m one of the people who posted above about how I used to always get sick when traveling).
Anon
The air circulation systems are fairly good, but they’re not on unless the plane is in the air. When you’re all crammed on their boarding or in the jetway, it’s really bad. And if you’re next to a person hacking up a lung, all bets are off even with the best of air filtration systems. It’s really the proximity. You wouldn’t be sitting that close to a stranger for hours in any other setting.
Anon at 10:25
Thanks for the helpful responses (and appreciate the lack of snark, this was a genuine question!) – I am going on my babymoon in a couple months and we have been talking about whether or not to mask as it will be a long haul flight to Europe. We were for sure planning to mask in the airport, but will now plan to keep them on until the plane is in the air.
No Problem
I’ve been curious about this kind of question for awhile, as someone who is admittedly not high-risk (I am probably medium risk due to multiple autoimmune disorders). The Covid virus has changed a lot from its initial forms, and is now a largely upper respiratory virus that causes cold-like symptoms and only rarely more serious symptoms. Why do high-risk individuals still treat it as the boogeyman it was in 2020? There are tons of other bugs out there that will make you more sick than Covid will in its current form (us common people have names for influenza and RSV and EBV but there are plenty more)? All of these viruses were also out there before Covid came on the scene and sent thousands (millions?) of people to the hospital every year. Were you also taking these precautions before Covid? Surely you were, because those bugs were also very dangerous to you in 2019. I know so many low- or medium-risk people who have gotten pneumonia after common colds – this has always been a possibility from common colds and no doubt more of a possibility for high-risk individuals. Or is it something else about Covid in particular that (in its current, less virulent form) that is different that I don’t understand? Yes, long Covid is a slight risk (much lower if you’ve been vaccinated), but the scientific community is now waking up to the fact that post-viral disease is more common than once thought. Help me understand this.
Anon
Start your own thread. Wrong place to muse on whether high-risk people are just being paranoid.
No Problem
I actually don’t think they’re being paranoid if they’re very high risk. I’m just wondering if they were similarly paranoid before Covid, because there were and still are plenty of other bugs that can make someone high risk very sick.
Anon
I’m high risk but not immune compromised. I don’t consider myself paranoid. I’m cautious. I have masked during cold and flu season for over a decade. The biggest issue is that people with colds and flus are easy to spot and avoid, people with Covid are not. Prior to Covid, no one said anything at all about my masks, post Covid, I have have people coming up very close behind me and deliberately coughing on me because it’s oh, so funny.
No Problem
Ugh, I’m sorry people are jerks and cough on you. I’d be so tempted to take a deep breath, lower my mask, and cough right back on them. But I’d probably find myself arrested after doing that, so…
What do you mean by not being able to tell that someone has Covid? Do you mean the period between infection and symptom onset, which does exist for all colds and flus as well, or do you mean something else?
Anon
You said you don’t think we’re being paranoid if we’re high risk, but then you ask if we were similarly *paranoid* before COVID. Please work on how much you judge other people. No one is masking @ you.
Anon
If you’re not high-risk, this thread is not for you.
Anonymous
Anon @1:35, you are correct about my poor word choice. I typed too quickly and didn’t reread what I wrote. I apologize. “Cautious” would have been a better word, as someone else used above.
Anonymous
Are you serious? One issue is attack of the vascular system. I’m high stroke risk after a brain hemorrhage. A cold or pneumonia aren’t threats like that.
No Problem
Is the vascular risk of Covid still ongoing? I knew that was a significant risk with the original strain and is actually what caused most of the early deaths before it was identified as a risk, but have not heard of it still being an issue with omicron.
Anonymous
Yes, blood vessel inflammation and clotting are “still” issues, especially for those with underlying health conditions relating to brain (like me) or heart.
Anonymous
A quick Google will literally show you this. Or do you just prefer to argue that it’s all just paranoia because it doesn’t fit the narrative you want?
Anon
I think the post-infection vascular risk (embolisms, strokes, etc.) was considered somewhat pronounced with Omicron (though that may also just be a stats thing since there were more post-infection people).
Anonymous
plus the fatigue – people are still getting long covid. i’d rather not get that, so i wear a mask in crowded places and definitely would on a plane or other place with bad airflow. i work from home so it isn’t that big of a downside to me, but i can see how the analysis is totally different for, say, my cousin who works as a hairdresser – even though her risk is higher it’s a bigger pain to wear the mask constantly so she just does’t.
Anon
Some high risk individuals were never actually all that high risk for the kinds of acute hospitalizations that people were getting back in 2020; the bigger risk for some of us has been the risk of spiraling complications from the pre-existing condition, and for some of us, this hasn’t actually changed much since 2020 (it’s nice that the vaccine lowers infection risk for a little while, but that doesn’t seem to last long and vaccine efficacy is lower in a lot of high risk conditions).
As for other contagious bugs, this virus is way more contagious, so the precautions we took before were effective for all a lot of other stuff but not for this. Based on the level of PPE required to prevent transmission reliably, this is more like avoiding TB or measles than it is like avoiding flu, RSV, or EBV, if 1 out of 50 people were actively infected with TB or measles. It looks like we’re doing something new and different but we’re still doing what we did before: taking the precautions necessary to avoid infection, but now avoiding a more contagious infection which involves different and more extensive precautions (because of highly contagious airborne transmission that is also frequently presymptomatic).
Characterizing current strains as just URIs isn’t really accurate for anyone though; that’s more about the immediate symptoms of acute infection. Vascular outcomes remain a big concern, and no one really knows yet who is and isn’t high risk for post-viral cardiac events which are still contributing to all cause mortality. I don’t want to downplay post-viral disease from other conditions at all, but we’re currently looking at more red flags than there are with conditions that aren’t known to infect the thymus or the central nervous system. When we’re already at elevated risk for things like cancer because of immune suppression, it is not really comforting to know that scientists are still debating how much repeated infections may increase that risk. There are a lot of unknowns and ongoing debates about what 10 and 15 year outcomes might look like, and while it may make sense for healthy people to bet on their good health in the face of those unknowns, for people whose health has let them down repeatedly already, that may seem more foolhardy.
Anon
I think you’re missing how survivorship bias and pre-existing immunity are part of what have made it seem as though it’s “just a cold” these days. People who haven’t had it yet and don’t have reliable immunity are more likely to encounter 2020 outcomes (even if there aren’t a lot of such people to show up in stats). Our knowledge about virulence is also always retrospective and new mutations arise regularly. We’re not aware of much selection pressure towards lower virulence (Delta was a lot more severe than previous variants, for example).
Anon
Pre-existing immunity is definitely a big factor, but the vaccines give you pre-existing immunity too! You don’t have to get it “naturally.” I had Covid for the first time this year and it was indistinguishable from a head cold or allergies for me (and I have an autoimmune disease and was knocked on my a$$ by swine flu in 2009). I’m sure Covid would have been brutal for me had I gotten it pre-vaccine, but the vaccines work even if they don’t fully prevent infection.
I also think there are studies that independent of pre-existing immunity, Omicron is less virulent than previous variants, so it’s not ALL about pre-existing immunity.
No Problem
Yes, but I think the Anon you are responding to is also saying that the vaccines don’t work for everyone (correct me if I’m wrong). But I also remember reading that this is a really tiny percentage of people for whom vaccines have little or no effect.
I still think one of the weirdest things of this whole pandemic are the people who apparently got Covid and were completely asymptomatic. I believe this was mostly been attributed to those people having some amount of immunity due to prior infection from related coronaviruses that cause the common cold but it still seems bonkers to me.
Anon
“The vaccines work” is the kind of statement that’s clearly true but also kind of excludes people who aren’t mounting a vaccine response because of their level of deficiency or suppression, or who weren’t able to complete their series because of their level of fragility. People are in all kinds of different medical situations and still living life!
Anon
I didn’t read “People who haven’t had it yet and don’t have reliable immunity are more likely to encounter 2020 outcomes” as just talking about the extremely small group of people who can’t mount an immune response. I thought she was saying anyone who hasn’t had the virus is at seriously increased risk, and I disagree because so many people have strong protection from the vaccines. And there are now several additional therapies available to the seriously immunocompromised for whom the vaccines might not be enough.
Anon
There has been a study of people who take the immunosuppressant medication I take. No antibodies were detected by 4 months after vaccination. The vaccine does not give everyone pre-existing immunity. Just because covid was mild for you doesn’t mean it will be mild for everyone. That’s pretty myopic thinking.
Anon
It’s not myopic to think vaccines reduce illness severity dramatically in the vast majority of people. That’s been proven many times over. If you have a condition where you can’t make any antibodies, you’re an exception but most “high risk” people aren’t in that category. Lots of people are high risk based on health conditions but still benefit enormously from the vaccines.
Anon
Also if you’re immunosuppressed you can get the vaccine every 4 months. So even if protection wears off quickly, you still get significant benefit from it.
Anon
Okay, but sometimes people fall within the tiny percentage. Small percentages of large numbers are still a surprising number of people sometimes! COVID is still a leading cause of death in vaccinated people for a reason (like Dr. Walensky says, it just doesn’t work as well for people who have four or more comorbidities!).
And while overall the vaccine dramatically lowers risk of being hospitalized with or dying from acute COVID infection, which is great, it hasn’t been shown to lower all the risks of infection for every high risk condition. Studies found that fully vaccinated people w/my condition don’t have lower risk of complications from their pre-existing condition compared to unvaccinated. It’s still better to be vaccinated because of the acute risks of dying from COVID, of course, and to lower odds of infection. But the risks of acute COVID were actually lower to begin with for some of us than the risks of worsening the pre-existing condition. So the goal is still to avoid infection. This is another kind of exception vs. not producing antibodies that public health barely acknowledges, but a lot of people are trying to manage this situation. And when combining the vaccination fade rate with immune escape, the track record on avoiding infection altogether hasn’t been as great.
Anon
“if you’re high risk you can get the vaccine every 4 months”
no you can’t. Have you tried? I’m high risk and it’s available to me twice a year. I used to get Evusheld in between, but it’s not around anuymore.
Anon
Yes, I have high risk family members who get the vaccine every 4 months. I’m sure the situation is different in other countries, but in the US it’s very simple – you just go into a CVS and get it!
No Problem
This is actually very helpful, thanks. For most of my friends and family (myself included), our first bout with Covid was within the last year with the omicron variant and we’ve all had cold-like symptoms. But we’ve also all been fully vaccinated and boosted and I assume have pre-existing immunity from those because we’re not immune compromised, even if it’s been several months since the last shot.
Ellen
If your pregnant, definitely stay away from people, b/c you can get it from people who aren’t even coughing and spitting or chrachtzing. Dad told me to wear a full face mask on the train, and I got one from CVS.
Anonymous
I’ve been treated for cancer and am still under my 5-year point but I’m not in active chemo or radiation. So I don’t know if I still technically am high risk. My husband takes immune suppressants to manage Crohn’s disease. I try to minimize exposure. I have to attend conferences every couple of months for my job. I mask in airports and on the plane but not at the conference itself since having conversations is important to my effectiveness. I also participate in dinners with prospects and clients at these events. But if I have any say in where we’re eating, I’ll push for outdoors or at tables that are nearest to open windows. When I’m not traveling for work, I still mask at the grocery store or when doing other shopping, avoid indoor crowded events (if I did go to the movies or such, I would mask), I eat outdoors at restaurants, I book my hair appointments for weeknights vs. crowded weekends, and I have kept vacation time in driving distance (partly though because I have a new dog who I don’t like to be away from). I spend a lot of my free time on weekends hiking and always have. I still haven’t had Covid, and I attribute that to keeping up with vaccinations and masking. I’ve had a colleague or two come back from the conferences with Covid and I suspect it’s been just as much a factor that they were in crowded airports unmasked versus attending the event. I could just say Covid is inevitable since I have to travel for my livelihood (I’m a speaker at these conferences), but I think it’s still important to minimize risk wherever I can and try to limit how many times I will eventually get it. My former boss has long Covid. It has entirely broken his life. He’s a published author who was in an executive position and was one of the most driven people I know (difficult job while writing fiction and doing speaking tours in his free time). Now his brain fog, headaches, and tiredness are so bad that he has difficulty processing language at a very basic level and has had to retire early. He no longer reads and has difficulty following conversations. His wife has a foot out the door since she is frustrated and exhausted with being a caregiver. If it can do that to someone healthy, I don’t want to see what it will do to someone not.
Anon
I am high risk. I still mask for air travel because it’s the worst (particularly boarding and deplaning), but will eat indoors with friends. Nothing has stopped me from making new friends, even during the highest precaution times. In fact, I’ve made new friends since 2020.
Anonymous
I’m high risk now and was high risk before COVID and I reverted back to my pre-COVID level of precautions a long time ago. Like almost 2 years? My pre-COVID precautions were:
1. Masking in super crowded public places (e.g., subway, airport, Costco)
2. Washing my hands religiously
3. If I go to a party, out to dinner, etc. I text my friends attending in advance to ask if they or their kids have been sick recently
4. On an airplane, I wipe everything down with clorox but don’t mask
oops
Huh… your #4 surprises me.
Why not?
I’ve only flown once this year, and sat right next to someone who was sick and coughing the whole flight. Thank goodness I had a N95.
Anonymous
I think the way to think about this is where most of your risk is. Frankly, I believe most of your will come from daycare. For example, you might guess that 90% of your risk will come from daycare and 10% from your adult life. Masking will only address the adult risk. If masks are 30% effective then you are reducing your COVID risk by 3% by masking in this scenario. That may be worth it to you or it may not. (And, keep in mind, I’m making up numbers here.) I think the stronger strategy will be to ask your doctor if you can get vaccine boosters more frequently.
Anonymous
I am not high risk, but my husband is both high-risk and immune compromised. I still mask anywhere there will be crowds, on transit, and hospitals, and in the couple of work meetings I have had to attend in the last three years where I’m in a crowded board room. I haven’t masked at group dinners, but I’ve only had about 10 indoor meals since March 2020, and all of them are important for my career. I WFH otherwise. My compromise is then I mask at home for around 5 days until the window for transmission is likely to have passed. Haven’t traveled by plane, and have only traveled for funerals.
when I actually had Covid this spring, it cost me about $8k in extra costs to isolate from my husband for the 17 days I needed to, so I am not eager to have that happen again
Anon
$8k to isolate for a little over two weeks?? Even if you moved into a hotel it shouldn’t cost $500 a night.
Anonymous
LOL. Remember my husband is high-risk? He needs 24 hour care, which I normally do 14 hours of. Try lining up 17 days of 24 hour care for an adult on no notice in your house when somebody has had a Covid exposure. ($35/hr). Then we ads in my hotels. And it would’ve been even more if we did not have access to a free beach house for part of it for me.
anon
Ugh…. I’m so sorry.
I was the caregiver for my disabled father, and it kept me up at night thinking about what would happen if I got sick . It would have been impossible to hire and train a caregiver because much of my Dad’s care was personal/medical. I would have had to hire nurses at a minimum around the clock. My plan was going to be just continue to be his caregiver, and have both of us N95 masks/use gloves etc…
Anonymous
Yeah. If any piece of this plan had fallen apart, that was what we were going to do. I felt really fortunate, and really fortunate to have the resources to do it this way, and again, if we have to.
Anon
Hi risk, here. I have been thinking about this for a couple years now, and I use these two analogies to think about it:
BUDGET: I have an exposure budget. My exposure budget is lower than low risk people’s budgets, but we each have one. If I want or need to spend my exposure budget on activity X (in your case, maybe, daycare), I will reduce my exposure in other areas of my life (working from home or socializing outdoors). All of this, of course, against the knowledge that one 5-10 minute unmasked interaction with an infectious person is enough to infect me.
LAYERS: We use a bunch of layers to protect us (vaccines, masks (N95 or KF94, well fitting, consistently), meeting outdoors, not going to restaurants or movies, asking people to test before we meet if we are going to eat/picnic with them and therefore take off our masks, going to doctors who mask and use HEPA filters in their exam rooms, using Envoid nasal spray). If in any context I want to not use a particular layer (ie, when I go to the dentist, I cannot mask the entire time), I use as many other layers as I can (I used Envoid and I wear my mask every single moment that the dentist’s hands are not in my mouth).
My goal is to protect against both acute infection and long COVID because I don’t need a lifetime of cardio or other chronic health issues.
I hope this helps you think through it.
anon
Not me, but my mother fits your bill. Pre-COVID, she would mask while traveling at her discretion, avoid crowded stores during peak flu season, etc. She’s returned to that level, as COVID is now similar to the threat that an ordinary cold or flu poses for her.
Anon
I think one thing that stands out to me is that masking as a courtesy feels very different than masking because you really don’t want Covid. It’s not at all inconvenient to me to slap on a mask for the grocery store if it’s required by my county, but what does feel inconvenient is being on a plane for six hours and trying to make sure that I’m not drinking too much so I’m not putting the mask down too much and that it fits well and that I’m being cautious at all times. THAT is exhausting. Plus putting on and taking off N95s sucks. I can see why people want to give that up.
Anon
I am the high-risk person above who talked about budgets and layers. My life improved a lot when I found a KN95 that fit me well. Once I had a supply of those, it was a lot easier to mask/unmask when coming upon other hikers on a path, for example, because they have ear loops instead of head straps.
I am definitely masking because I really don’t want COVID (to your point).
Anon
+1 to KN95s. If I had masked before COVID I would probably have only been in a surgical mask, which isn’t much, and is less comfortable than a KN95 because it’s touching the lips all the time. KN95s just weren’t widely available here in the US, or at least weren’t on my radar.
I like my packs that are in pretty colors. I match my outfit & got a compliment from my doctor yesterday (who was also masked).
Anon
Do you have any recommendations for good ones? It’s always really hard for me to find a good KN 95.
Anon
My advice is to: (1) only buy them from legitimate sources (Grainger, the 3M site, the Honeywell site, etc) to avoid fakes, and (2) buy one of many different brands until you find one that fits your face snugly and comfortably. It took me a long time, during which I kept wearing the N95 ones that we always kept in the house for wildfires. Also, consider KF94 ones that are made from three panels sewn together because they might fit you better, especially if you have a small face.
Anon
If you are high-risk to COVID, are you also high-risk to other viruses? My first child started daycare at 7 months (during COVID) and was sick ~50% of the time. I caught about 50% of what he had during that first year (some of which – all non-COVID – made me pretty sick/out of comission, and I have no underlying health conditions). I know you probably already know this, but you may want to consider a nanny if you are high risk to other viruses, too.
Anon
Yes the daycare illness thing is real and awful. I had croup, flu, RSV, strep and probably a dozen colds the first year. It does get better and now my elementary age kids and I almost never get sick, but the first year of daycare is brutal and (anecdotally) it’s worse if you weren’t a daycare kid yourself.
Anon
Listen to your doctor.
High risk family here and still masking. Very little hassle compared to getting sick, hospitalised, long term effects or worse.
Anon
Looking to buy holiday cards from Minted and every year I forget: what’s the best discount they offer? They’re 15% off right now, but I have a feeling I’ve jumped on that in past years only to miss out on 20%…
Anon
I get their annual discount package around now, it comes with some extras and 20% off but you pay something for it.
Cat
They’ll go up to 20% off later.
Anonymous
If you’re willing to wait, they usually have a black friday offer that’s 30% or better.
Furnish my house, please
I am looking for furniture for the small living room in a new place. I don’t have anything, and need suggestions. Any ideas for sofas or sectionals would be appreciated. I would like something well-constructed and comfortable and expect to be in this space for a long time. I am overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin.
anon
Are there any furniture stores in your area where you can go look at stuff in person and sit on it? In my area there is a Macy’s furniture showroom, Ashley Furniture and Big Sandy.
Anon
Room & Board
Anon
Seconded. They have tons of stuff that works for smaller spaces, and many of their shelves/cabinets/side tables can be made in custom sizes. I have one of their sofas and after 3 years the fabric was tearing in ways that I thought were more than normal wear and tear, I emailed them pictures and they said it wasn’t normal and not up to their standards, apologized and replaced the sofa (and gave me a choice of fabrics, I got a different one but same color). The replacement sofa has been great for several years now.
Anon
Oh and I’ve also bought a lot of R&B furniture used (mostly through AptDeco) and it’s all held up so well. I feel like I’m not going to need to replace any of it for decades, if ever.
Anon
CB2 has a lot of furniture designed for smaller spaces.
Runcible Spoon
Armless Axis sofa or sectional from Crate & Barrel, if it will fit. Armless is a neat trick to reduce the length of seating in a small living room, e.g., slipper chair. Alternatively, Room & Board offers relatively small, modern yet classic-looking sectionals in the York line, with narrow tuxedo-style arms that still support a coffee mug on top. Good luck!
Anonymous
Joybird makes “apartment sized” furniture and has a 360-day return policy i think. very happy with the elliot apartment-size chairs we got a few years ago.
https://joybird.com/search/?category=products_jb4&q=apartment&filter=*
Acorn
We got a sofa from Joybird that’s very high quality, but the customer experience was a NIGHTMARE. At one point I was calling every single day right when their “office” opened, and no one ever picked up. This was in 2021.
Anon
I also had a terrible experience with Joybird CS. I will never order from them again.
Seventh Sister
Room and Board is a good starting place, but don’t write off finding a local furniture store, especially if they make custom pieces. There was one in our area that made really lovely, solid-wood stuff for about the same price as Pottery Barn stuff that (at least at the time) was mostly MDF.
I know a lot of people think IKEA stuff is all terrible crap, but some of it is really pretty solid and it all seems designed for apartments or smaller houses. Especially when my kids were little, there were so many pieces of “normal” furniture that seemed made for the 2500-square foot house in the suburbs and were completely unworkable in my urban tract house.
Couch
make sure to measure all doors and pathways – I learned the dimensions of my apartment building’s elevator.
I would pick two places, with showrooms if possible: tradional brick and mortar and one internet darling. and then just pick. I went with one of the best selling couchs at Macy’s, with matching Ottoman that can make it a sectional or be coffee table.
Furnish my house, please
Thank you to all who responded for your suggestions.
Anon
My ex stopped paying alimony and support. I sued to get him to pay but he is only putting 100/month on 40,000 arrears (raided my retirement to keep afloat for years). That means I likely delay retirement and he may retire or die still owing me money. What sort of lawyer can help in that event, when he has no salary to garnish? He makes good money but spends it faster than he makes it and if he retires, I may be last in line to get anything (he has a new wife’s and now more kids in diapers with her; I’m 50). Family law still? Or at some point do I get to leave family court and just be another creditor?
Anon
Speak with your divorce attorney. They can put you in touch with the right kind of litigator. If he is making any money at all, it can be garnished before it even gets to him.
Lily
If he makes good money, why can’t you garnish his wages for a whole lot more than $100/month? Don’t understand. How much he spends is not relevant, it’s how much he makes that should be relevant. But I’m not a family lawyer so what do I know.
Anonymous
Have you taken him to court to garnish his wages? If not, why not?
Anonymous
Man, this board really doesn’t understand that some people aren’t W-2 employees. The OP said he doesn’t have a salary. Presumably, he has his own business or freelances. That doesn’t mean she can’t get an order, but it’s administratively more difficult to enforce.
Anonymous
Nor do they read very carefully. The post says he won’t have a salary when he’s dead, not that he doesn’t now. And it is clear the OP has been to court and the $100 is what he was ordered to pay. She’s trying to figure out what to do when he dies still in arrears, not asking how she can garnish now. That part is done though unsatisfactory (but might be subject to reconsideration/modification at some point, depending on state law and changes to his income).
Anon
Honestly, I’d just give up and make your own money. I get being angry, he probably should pay you, etc etc but the legal fees and stres of it all wouldn’t be worth it to me. You’re only 50, you have time to lean in at work and make good money yourself.
Lily
What makes you think she doesn’t make her own money? She’s worried about delaying retirement because they had to “raid” her retirement account to stay afloat (because ex wouldn’t pay child support, or perhaps for debts incurred during marriage).
Ex is responsible for financially supporting his offspring. Period.
Anon
40,000 isn’t a debt most people can just forgive without it mattering financially. I don’t see why she can’t make her own money (as you say) and still work on getting the debt collected.
Also if he’s been ordered to pay alimony, that might mean she’s behind in retirement savings due to caring for the household and really needs what she’s owed.
Anon
If my energy is split between focusing on my job and pursuing a high stress alimony situation, I’m not going to be as good at my job. I’m also not going to be able to move on and put that marriage in the past. I think 40k is easier to replace on your own. Divorce is expensive because it’s worth it and I think a clean break is better for mental and financial health. I’m not saying it’s right that he raised their retirement, but it happened and I’d leave it in the past and focus on building up my own net worth without the drag of that whole situation.
Anon
TIL I can just work harder and suddenly make $40k more.
In all seriousness, we don’t know what kind of job OP has and whether that’s realistic. Maybe it is! Maybe she works for the state government in a position that’s pretty static and can’t change due to insurance or a pension.
There are a lot of things I’d let go, but this isn’t one of them for me.
Anon
You need to stop. Under no circumstances should someone just forgive a $40,000 loan and you’re talking out your ass.
Anon
Circumstances widely vary and in no way should she expect a full 40k recovery after paying legal fees. Half that if she’s lucky enough to recover anything, which is questionable at best. I think she can easily replace 20k through her work (many here are actually highly compensated or could be) or a side job or whatever. Being right isn’t always the best strategy for success.
Anon
But it’s not just the $40k of back debt, it’s also all future collections, right? Giving up on collecting could be a loss of hundreds of thousands over her lifetime, that’s nuts to me!
Also empathetically disagree that everyone here is very high-earning or could be. Can we PLEASE stop equating smart and high-achieving with rich?
Anon
A woman who has raided her retirement fund to keep her family afloat when her ex didn’t pay court-ordered support is likely not one of the higher earners here. Please don’t tell anyone it’s “easy” to find an extra $20,000 or $40,000 in earnings. That is so smug.
Anon
$40K is about half of what I make in a year. I’d love to hear how it’s easy to replace!
Anon
It’s more than 70% of what I make!
Anon
I didn’t read this as working enough to replace $40k either over night or in some amount of time. More that OP might move on to accepting she’s never going to see this money and through her time and mental energy into providing for herself as much as she possibly can.
Anon
This is what I would do, and yes – it sucks – but the less you have to feel dependent upon him, the better. I would make an effort to garnish his wages directly from his employer to go towards arrears but beyond that it might make sense to cut your losses and either make more money now or figure out how to live cheaper in retirement.
I took on a lot more debt in my divorce that I likely should have but it was worth it to me to feel in total control of my future, rather than having to hassle my ex to have him make payments, etc. I took on a couple side gigs and paid down that debt aggressively and boy did it feel great to be able to complete sever myself from that part of my life.
Anon
Child support obligations don’t just go away because he doesn’t care to pay. I know someone who couldn’t renew his driver’s license due to back payments. The state can be very aggressive-as they should. Telling her to just give up isn’t fair when there are many options to force him to pay or suffer real consequences.
Anon
This!! I thought in some states you could even go to jail if the debts got bad enough?
Anon
Family law attorney; garnish his wages stat. A child support agency can even withdraw funds from his bank account in certain circumstances.
Anonymous
This is true! The state DOR seized an old account that my ex-husband was still listed on due to him owing back child support to another woman. Fortunately, I was able to get my money back and close the account.
No Face
+1 if he has income, talk to an attorney about garnishment.
My dad pulled the same crap after parents divorced, including complaining about the expenses of having a new SAHW and young kids. Garnishment solved that problem and our financial situation improved drastically.
Seventh Sister
In some states, the state agency that handles child support is really great about this stuff. Talk to a family lawyer if you can find one.
Anonymous
Garnish. The wages are garnished by the employer before they hit the bank account. So it doesn’t matter how fast he spends. Like if his biweekly salary is $4000 and your garnishment is for $500 then only $3500 will actually enter his bank account in terms of money he can access.
What’s faster is to seize assets. Does he have a car in his name?
Sunshine
Call a divorce lawyer now. I think you can have IRS tax refunds garnished.
If you list where you live, someone here may have a name for you.
Anon
Definitely talk to your attorney from the original divorce/any family law atty! My dad did this nonsense with my mom, putting his business in his new wife/affair partner’s name and having 2 new children with her while ignoring the kids he already had. He owed like $60K+.
My mom got his tax refunds garnished, and eventually the state took money directly from his bank account.
My siblings and I are late 30s. She is currently receiving garnished Social Security payments to make up for the back child support that he started owing when we were teenagers. Sadly he never paid for half of our college as the Court mandated.
RiskedCredit
Damn straight they will garnish tax refunds. That’s how I got a good chunk repaid.
RiskedCredit
I was in this boat with my nightmare situation. I got paid out because I walked him through how to get the covid tax credits and then put a garnishment in place.
I’m well paid but I’m also not here to do all the work raising the children, paying for them in full while he sits back being ‘fun dad’.
The garnishment process was handled by my lawyer and I detached myself from the process. It’s very straight forward because you have a written legal agreement and he hasn’t followed it.
You do need to set yourself up with a plan so you don’t end up having to raid your 401k. Couple of other items to note, I’m not sure of your situation but in this type of situation a 401k loan is always a better idea. The penalty and taxes on your distribution is horrible, adding further insult to injury. If you do a loan against your 401k, you can repay it back and there are no penalties or taxes payable.
You definitely need to look at your career. I’m a lone mother and I’ve really focused on making sure I have maximized my income because I can’t rely on him.
RiskedCredit
I forgot to add that I took out life insurance for $100,000 which I pay. It’s term insurance so about $60/month. The term is until my youngest is 26. I figure all 3 children should be through college and working.
Anonymous
Ignore all the advice to do the thing you’ve already done. Contact a creditor’s rights attorney to discuss your rights upon his death and how best to secure your claim. But note that this advice might change if he moves or the law changes, so this would be more of an intellectual exercise now. Also confer with your family lawyer about what circumstances would provide you an opportunity to modify the current support order to allow for faster repayment of arrears
Anon
Is he, like, going to die imminently? I don’t know why OP is so focused on that and not getting money before he dies.
Anon
Yeah, unless this man is in hospice care (which I’m guessing is not the case if he has a new wife and kids in diapers?) I don’t understand why there’s so much fixation on him dying. Try to get the money now!
Anonymous
She has already sued to get the money. The family court ordered him to pay $100/mo. Maybe eventually she can get that changed through another family court action. And if he stops paying, maybe she can garnish him then (through another family court action). But her mind is wandering about the future because right now she is getting her money in dribs and drabs and realizes he will probably, one day, die without having fully paid her. As I said, this is a thought exercise because that is way off and circumstances like where he lives and what he owns may change. But if he is in compliance with the court’s order on the arrears payments, she is not going to be able to get any of the garnishment relief repetitively suggested by every other response here.
Top for Family Pictures?
Anyone seen an amazing top or sweater that would be great for pictures? I have family pictures coming up in a few weeks and am using it as an opportunity to refresh my wardrobe a bit. We have not committed to colors or exact style, just that we will be fairly casual – likely jeans. Pictures will be outside.
Anon
Talbots has some extremely cute fall tops of late. Recommend.
Anonymous
I would look at Bloomingdales, Rails, and Faherrty (and I think selections from the last two are sold at Bloomingdales).
Anon
A casual dress will photograph a lot better than a top in jeans. Tops are fussy and move in weird ways and so do jeans. I’d get a midi dress with sleeves and some flare so you can move around and still look good.
Anon
Agree completely. Jeans do not photograph well on anyone.
Anon
I disagree. It really depends on your body shape. I’m tall and relatively slender but have a prominent stomach, and look several months pregnant in casual dresses. I look way better in jeans. It’s really body-dependent.
NaoNao
Some absolutely gorgeous and unique sweaters featured in this article: [add internet w-w-w to this] marieclaire.com/fashion/sweater-trends-winter-2023/ I especially like the featured ones in the pics used to illustrate the types and the “Andersson Bell Cropped Argyle Knitted Sweater”
Cerulean
Sézane
NYCer
+1. But I agree with an earlier poster that I would also consider a dress over jeans and a sweater.
Anonymous
that boden sweater from a few days ago (featured here) would be cute or that wearever top
NaoNao
Extremely low-stakes question for the ‘Rettes:
I bought two strands (7″ each) of Halloween colored mini string lights. After stringing them along my porch last night, they look…amateur at best.
I’m wondering if anyone has some ideas on how to string outdoor lights in a small space (without a huge hassle and without scary ladders) or otherwise use them so they look “cute” and not “I give up”.
Details:
Front porch is small–probably 8′ x 5’ if that, and it’s a balcony in an apartment building with a roof overhang. 3 walls and a waist high railing, with a cutout for the “front” staircase going to and from the other units. One two-plug outlet available.
Options: maybe over a carefully arranged dry-log display in my fireplace, on my decorative indoor faux trees (I have about 4) or used like a garland in some way?
Link to image of layout and balcony here: https://i.imgur.com/W68Lyt3.png
They are very cute and I’m into Halloween decor this year so I want to use them to their max advantage.
anon
I would probably do them around the railing.. biggest thing that makes lights look off is uneven spacing, and not being pointed in same direction. I would spiral them around the top handle of the porch railing. Alternatively, can be really cute to do along the ceiling walls and swag them in arcs (i would think you could do that with a step ladder, not a super high one). Using command hooks to help anchor at various points keeps them a lot neater, especially the end points, they make ones specifically for lights.
anon
You need more lights. 14 ft of lights to get an 8 foot span is not giving you the density of lights for the look you want. Buy another two strands (at least) and wrap the lights around the balcony.
Cat
Density is what matters- can you focus on wrapping just a column, or just around the door)
Anon
Maybe wrap the lights around a fake leaves garland to fill them out more?
Anonymous
Shopping help, please! I really want a pair of trendy square-toe ballet flats in metallic silver, with or without a strap. The problem is that I have narrow feet. Ideally I’d take a narrow width; once in a blue moon I can make medium width work with some extra padding. Every pair of square-toe flats I’ve found only comes in medium width and the reviews say they all run wide. Has anyone found a pair that runs narrow?
anon
Closest match I can find, the silent d mary jane flats at anthro comments on them indicate they might run narrow.
– not exactly what you are looking for.. but the bella vita has a mary jane in champagne color, comes in narrow. Not the square toe though either.
– The sam edleman mary jane, i find they fit narrow. Doesn’t come in silver.
Anon
Maybe check Saks Off 5th? Some of their brands run narrow to begin with.
Champagne Problems
My friends have a very, very sick baby in the NICU who was born very early with lots of complications. At this point there is still a question of survival. We’ve sent money in the gift card form they’ve specified and we’d still like to get them a baby gift with baby’s name or birth date on it. And anything else that might be welcomed for mom and dad in this situation. Can anyone advise what might be a good keepsake baby gift in this case? I welcome ideas for the whole family, too. Thank you.
Anon
I wouldn’t do that. If they want a keepsake they can get one. I think that kind of gift could be very triggering.
Anon
I agree completely.
Gifts for the rest of the family seem good, though. I would hold off on getting items for the baby or keepsakes until her condition is stable/known.
Anon
+1000
Anon
+1. Also, is this really a “champagne problem?”
Acorn
I think it’s just her username.
Champagne Problems
No, it’s not – this is just the name that’s saved into my browser for all my comments
Anon
My immediate reaction was “please don’t do this” so I’m glad others had this reaction too.
Also I don’t think “champagne problem” means what you think it means…
Champagne Problems
Sorry, this is just my always username.
Anonymous
If the baby doesn’t survive, how will getting a personalized keepsake feel when it arrives? I would tread really carefully.
Anon
No keepsakes!!! Send a Doordash gift card.
Anon
Is it possible to record the baby’s heartbeat? There are some products that do that and put it a bear or something.
KS IT Chick
Bondheart is a company that lets you record a heartbeat and save it to a small pendant. They have options for bracelet or necklace. It uses a cell phone app to record and transmit the heartbeat.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t do this, ever, and especially not for a baby that is alive and struggling in the NICU.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this, especially for a baby that is currently alive but struggling in the NICU.
Anon
I’m going to disagree with the recommendations against personalized gifts. I have lost a child. Things that were hers with her name on them are very special and sentimental to me. It would not have been triggering at all, and in fact when she was sick and in the hospital, I did receive gifts like this for her. I appreciated them so much.
But realistically a toy or a silver rattle is probably the last thing the parents need right now if they’re asking for gift cards. So I would direct all funds to that for the time being just because it seems to be the thing most necessary to the parents’ survival right now – it takes a lot to ask your friends for money, so things must be really tough for them.
Champagne Problems
Thank you for this perspective. This was my thinking too, but I am seeing a lot of people advise against it, so I won’t be the one to provide these types of gifts to the family (unless they say so). I appreciate the advice to focus on the money ask. I am so sorry for your loss.
Anon
+ 1 to it taking a lot to ask friends for money. When I recently had a baby in the NICU for weeks, I never wanted to ask for gift cards when people asked if I needed anything. It was a blow to our finances to pay for hospital parking and restaurant food for weeks, but it still didn’t feel appropriate. Honestly, the whole experience convinced me that asking someone what you can do for them is stupid – maybe it’s just me, but I always said I was fine. They people who just brought over food or sent gift cards were really appreciated.
I disagree about getting a keepsake. I would not have wanted that in this situation, but I think it is highly personal. Some people would love it, some would hate it.
Seventh Sister
The “paying for hospital parking” bit always seems like an insult after injury to me, especially for people who have loved ones who are going to be at a hospital for weeks or months. It’s one thing to have a nominal parking charge for short periods of time, but it just seems cruel to say, “Oh, you want to stay in the NICU with your sick baby and your spouse wants to come by after work? $25/day, please. The healthcare executive’s powerboat isn’t going to gild itself!” If I ever win the lottery, I’m going to the hospital and asking if I can be the Parking Fairy Grandmother.
Anon
<3
Anonymous
OMG yes. Especially in places that don’t really need to be charging for parking. I live in a very suburban, car-oriented town, and the hospitals charge for parking in their decks. Like I understand there is a construction and maintenance cost to parking decks, but agree it just seems cruel.
No Problem
I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope your baby is doing much better.
It really kind of breaks my heart that you didn’t feel able to ask for gift cards when people asked what they could do for you. The American taboo against talking about money is really strong, I get it, but people ask because they want to be helpful and don’t know what other people have already contributed. Or whether you need something this week that you didn’t need last week, because some circumstance has changed. I think we would all be better served if we can practice and utilize a phrase along the lines of “it really wasn’t in the budget to pay for weeks of hospital parking and so much restaurant food when we haven’t been able to be home to cook because we’ve been at the NICU, so if you’re able to contribute to our parking fund or a gift card for food delivery, we would really appreciate it. Thank you so much for asking.” If I heard this from a friend I would absolutely contribute what I could and quietly let other friends know (if you gave me permission to do so) that this was an unmet need so you could get more gift cards and cash for parking without you having to have this conversation more than once. I hope you’re never in this circumstance again, but maybe it helps someone who unfortunately finds themselves in this situation in the future.
Anon
It probably also depends on the age of the child and circumstances of the loss. I have a friend who lost a preschooler to cancer, and she loves personalized things with references to things her kid loved, which is not surprising because the family had many happy memories together before the child got sick and even while she was in treatment but still in good spirits – of course she loves being reminded of her child’s happy days and their happy family memories. But I think when the family has never had the chance to make any happy memories of the child and the child has never lived anywhere but extremely sick in the NICU, a personalized keepsake is unlikely to be a welcomed gift.
Anonymous
I want to chime in and say the a friend of mine lost her son soon after he was born and she gets really upset when people speak about him and don’t say or remember his name. I don’t think your instincts were wrong even if you decide not to buy a keepsake.
BlueAlma
I’m sorry for your loss, Anon. Thank you for weighing in.
I have lost a child too and all the vehement anti-keepsake comments are bizarre to me. I was grateful for any nice thing people did for me, and I treasure things with my child’s name or given specifically to him. If the child dies, the parents won’t forget him or her, and they won’t be bothered by being reminded of the child’s life. I would do a small stuffed animal with a bunch of gift cards. I often held a stuffed animal when I could not hold my child.
Anon
We’re in a club no one wants to join. I’m sorry for you loss too. Hugs.
anon
Omg don’t do that. If survival is in question, that is really not the right move. If survival expected, depending on the complications (feeding tubes, for one…), normal baby clothes won’t fit right most likely if they’re even needed at all. Baby likely won’t be able to have any lovies or blankets with them. Anything like that will just be a reminder of what they don’t have.
Food, money, logistical help at home (other kids? pets to care for? lawn mowing? meal train? other mundane help?) – that’s the only appropriate route right now.
Anon
This is crazy. You wrote “there is still a question of survival” and you’re thinking about buying them a gift with the baby’s name and birth date on it?! If the baby dies, will you add the death date?! This is so tone deaf and cruel. Wait until the baby survival is secure then send a personalized gift. Wow.
Anon
Yeah this post made me literally gasp when I read it! I can’t imagine doing this of the baby’s survival is in question.
Anon
I’m the poster above who lost a child. If the child doesn’t survive, he or she was still dear to his or her parents. They love their child now, they don’t start loving their child only when survival is ensured. They loved their child in the womb. It’s not like they’re not going to want to remember the baby if he or she doesn’t make it.
Not just my own situation, but one of my friends had preemie twins and only one made it out of the NICU. I sent her personalized blankets, one for each twin with his name on it. She said to me then and has said to me since that I’m the only one who sent anything for ___twin’s name. She was really happy to receive the blanket and has sent me pics of the surviving twin in his brother’s blanket.
Anon
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is so helpful.
I was a poster who (politely!) commented above that I’d send gifts for the family but not a keepsake for the child who’s in the NICU. My reasoning has always been that I don’t want something I give to cause more pain to the parents, though I do always make a point to ask about the sick child by name and if the child passes away, I will send cards and texts on birthdays when it feels natural. Your experience and the one you talk about here make me think in a different way. Thank you very much for sharing.
Cerulean
This is harsh. A lot of parents who have lost children have personalized mementos in remembrance (see a response above from someone who has been there). I think it’s a lovely thought, but it might not be the right time or OP might not be the right person to do this.
Anonymous
This right here – I think it takes a special relationship or kind of person to be the person who gives this gift. I think carefully about whether you are that kind of person. And really then you would want already know if this is an appropriate gift or not
Anon
+100000.
raindrop
I can’t believe the harsh replies to a commenter looking for advice about how to best support and honor her friend. Honestly, people! It’s so helpful to read a reply like the one from someone who has actually lived something akin to this horrible situation. Everyone’s perspectives and feedback on this is valid, but can you please deliver them in a humane way? Also flaming someone for their normal username is . . . beyond. Champagne Problems, thank you for thinking of your friend and trying to make the most kind and appropriate gifts for their situation. That is kind of you.
Anon
I read here basically daily and have for years and don’t recall ever seeing this username. Many people populate the name field with a relevant name when asking a specific question, so it’s not crazy to think “champagne problem” was a reference to the situation. And she didn’t get “flamed.” Not every disagreement is “flaming”! People just pointed out this might not be the best gift and this situation isn’t a champagne problem. There were no personal attacks.
Anon
Agree with this. I never saw this user name before. I think it’s a horrific idea to put a birth date on a keepsake for an infant struggling to survive.
Anonymous
Agreed. I’m no expert on this but from what I have heard from people who have children that have died, they still like to talk about them and remember them. It’s not like a keepsake is going to be the thing that prevents them from forgetting their child died. It is a way to honor the fact that this child does now exist and is deeply loved.
Cerulean
Absolutely. I think it’s far worse to not acknowledge their baby at all than to make a thoughtful gesture that isn’t just giving money or a gift card.
Anon
My friend lost her five year old child. She asked for donations to an org that records children’s heartbeats for their parents. If my kid died, I wouldn’t want Things Remembered stuff, but I would listen to his heart for the rest of my life.
Anon
There is not one single response going above and beyond to flame.
Cerulean
12:04 comment and its reply are, IMO
anon for this
My nephew was a micropreemie who spent 100 days in the NICU. Focus on doing everything you can to lighten the load for the parents. Gift cards for meals, gas, Uber (there were times my sibling was honestly not in shape to drive). If you are able, cleaners for their home, lawn mowed, plants watered, that sort of thing. Laundry done for them, errands run – let me put groceries in your fridge, what can I get you from Target, etc. If there are other kids- take them for dinner or an overnight. A platter of fruits or other healthy snacks for the NICU staff – those people are angels on earth.
Anonymous
i agree with everyone else that a keepsake gift is a bad idea at this point. is mom sleeping at the hospital sometimes or trying to nurse the baby? is she pumping? that can lead to a lot of downtime so maybe get her an itunes gift card so she can watch movies or something while she’s pumping?
Anon
Cash, be that GCs or a check. The medical bills for my friends’ baby’s NICU stay were $2.9M. (Rare condition.) Their insurance paid, but they have the cadillac of insurance plans – your friends may not.
Anonymous
+1 NICU parent here, bills were well over $1 million for about a 2 month stay with almost no complications. Insurance is great but we paid out of pocket max for 2 years (because pregnancy + NICU stay spanned health insurance plan years), not to mention all of the unexpected expenses that come along with having a baby in the NICU (parking, gas, eating at/around the hospital, lots of extra pumping parts) and after (extra time off work, lots and lots of follow up appointments with specialists who may not be super close, added complications/expense to find childcare that works for your child).
I know a lot of NICU parents and some love keepsake type stuff and some absolutely hate it and have massive PTSD and never want to think about the NICU ever again and that’s parents whose child ultimately ended up being fine! I would advise against a keepsake gift in this scenario since it’s impossible to know how the parents will react/feel.
anon
If they have other children, buy toys for the children that do not require the parents to play with them. Think the little people toys for toddlers, magna tiles for elementary, etc. Those kids are also having a big disruption to their lives.
Anon
I think something with the baby’s name is fine, it’s the inclusion of the birth date that feels off to me when the child is struggling for survival and may not live more than a few days or weeks. It feel like you’re just waiting to bookend it with the death date even though I know it’s not intended that way.
Anon
This is a really good articulation of why I thought the keepsake was not a great idea. Something with just the baby’s name seems much more appropriate to me.
Anon
+1
Anon
As a former NICU mom, I really, really advise you to hold off on anything for the baby. What your friends could use right now is support; your gift card is lovely, and you could send meals or food so they less to worry about.
Anon
No keepsake gifts. Not appropriate here. Send your love or food items.
Anon
The sense of authority from all of these responses is really blowing my mind. I don’t think most of these people responding so definitively have ever been in this situation. It honestly makes me really sad for these poor parents and anyone else who has gone through this if so many people think it’s inappropriate to honor a child who might not survive.
Anon
It’s not that it’s “it’s inappropriate to honor a child who might not survive” it’s that it’s a weird way to do it and the wrong timing. The parents’ focus right now is on trying to keep their child alive. They’re under a huge amount of stress, probably not sleeping or eating well and potentially facing daunting medical bills. Things like food, cash/gift cards and words of support will help them much more right now than a blanket with their child’s birthday on it. There will be time to memorialize the child in the future.
Anonymous
+1, it’s the timing and type of gift combined that’s inappropriate. No one is saying the child shouldn’t be honored.
OP, sending my love to your friends and their baby.
Anon
My sister in law lost her premie baby 3 days after birth, and as did a friend. I don’t think it’s that uncommon of an experience such that people don’t have an opinion on it. Prayers for your friend and the baby, OP.
Anon
I’ve been in this situation. Although it’s only my experience, it does give me a non-theoretical way to think about this. This is absolutely not about not honoring a child. This is about timing. For me, a baby gift would have been tremendously hurtful, even if the intentions were good.
Gift for birthday party?
Suggestions please! I was just invited to a small birthday lunch for someone who refers clients to me.
He is early 60s, loves to cook, vegetarian. No hobbies that I know of. Not sure if others will be bringing gifts but seems rude not to, so trying to think of something small. There is a particular farmers market/gourmet store that I know he loves, so I could get a gift card, but I hate to give something with a dollar amount on it. Help please!
Anonymous
I would do a vegetarian sauce/spread/jam or basket of those from the place he likes.
I say possibly basket because I don’t know if they sell stuff in 8 cup or 1/2 cup sizes.
Runcible Spoon
A very small gift basket? Containing grapes, crackers, cheese, olive oil and balsamic vinegar? That can serve as a combined host/hostess gift and birthday gift, so if nobody else brings a birthday gift, you may call it a host gift, or a token of appreciation. This is a situation where it truly is the thought that counts.
Anon
Fancy olive oil, vinegar, interesting spices or something else consumable from that store?
Anon
Penzey’s spice gift boxes are great quality and useful. I usually make my regular orders for stuff I use when they have specials on gift boxes just so I have one or two around for this kind of thing (I know lots of cooks).
Duckles
As a vegetarian who just got a Penzey’s spice box yesterday, +1! Pick the fun/less usual blends since he may have staples already.
FP
What about a new cookbook? Local honey or jam? A fall gift bag/basket with some caramel and treats to go with fresh apples?
OOO
Ask the gourmet store to put together a gift basket for you
Anon
Fancy cookbook.
Gift for birthday party?
Thank you very much!
black sneakers/ white soles
Are black sneakers with white soles over? My pair are nearing end-of-life and I’m wondering if they should be replaced or there is another standard casual black shoe (and what it is).
Anonymous
You mean like the black Nike sneakers with white soles that were ubiquitous several years ago? Yes, those have been over since the Before Times. If you want black sneakers, go for platform Converse or On Cloud.
oldladylawyer
not sure what the answer is but i was wondering the same thing, i have a pair of vince sneaker like shoes with a white sole and was debating whether they looked dated.
Anon
Slim, low profile lace up sneakers are in this season – eg, Adidas Sambas.
Anon
Chunky sneakers are still very much in.
Anon
Black converse would fit the bill and still be trendy
Anon215
I was just notified that I will be traveling for work next week; flight involved after many years of not flying. My luggage is not appropriate for my new role (think beat up/outdated). Since it’s a 2-night trip, I’d like to venture into the world of carry on only. Question: How strict are carry on size requirements these days? I’m flying American and will most likely be again. The hardsided carry on I’m looking at may exceed American’s width requirement by a half inch. I’m flying with my supervisor and want things to go smoothly (e.g. no gate check). I’m not a lawyer, but American’s website states “Shouldn’t exceed 22 x 14 x 9 inches”, not “must not exceed”.
Anon
Normally on US-based carriers like American exceeding the requirements by a half an inch won’t be a problem. European carriers tend to be much stricter. Do note though, that you may have to gate check if the plane is small (some planes don’t fit standard-sized rollaboards in their overhead bins) or if you’re in a later boarding group and the overhead bin space fills up. I’ve been on several recent American flights where the bins filled after the people with status and airline-branded credit cards boarded, and there was no room for anyone else’s bags. If you do have to gate check, it’s not anything to be ashamed about and your bags will be fine.
Anecdata
in my experience, few (think – maybe frontier or spirit) airlines care to nitpick carryon sizes of you’re paying for a carryon or have the (more expensive) tickets that include one. Airlines are much more likely to force you to check size and charge you if you exceed the “personal item only” size
So all you really need to worry about is – will it fit in the bin? and width is probably the dimension least likely to be a problem.
Practically though – gate checking it isn’t going to be a big deal if it does happen. Sometimes the plane just runs out of overhead space, even when you’re within the size guidelines
No Problem
The answer is that it depends. I was on a random flight once years ago where some airline person arrived at the gate when we were ready to board and they announced that every person would have to make sure their luggage fit in the carryon size box thing that they keep near the gate. And much more recently I’ve had a gate agent make me do it on a separate flight because they thought it looked too big (it was not too big and fit in the box thing just fine). Just buy a carryon that meets the requirements, even if it’s not your first choice bag.
Anon
What are you looking at? They can be pretty strict but I think a lot of the planes are now configured so that carry ones are turned on their side like a book on a shelf, so it’s not as tight a squeeze.
Anon215
I was looking at Target’s Hardside Carry On Suitcase – Open Story as a quick fix. I’m travelling PHLORD, so not a large plane.
Anon
That should be fine! I have similar luggage I bought from Target (and according to their website, the specs are very slightly bigger than the one you linked) and have actually flown from Philly through O’Hare on American many times with it.
Anon
That should be fine! I have similar luggage I bought from Target (and according to their webs!te, the specs are very slightly bigger than the one you linked) and have actually flown from Philly through O’Hare on American many times with it.
anon
Caveat: I don’t fly regularly at all. But I flew on 4 American flights last month and every single one of them was gate checking hard sided bags. The planes were the tiniest panes I’ve been on and I’m not surprised typical carry on luggage wouldn’t fit. DH and I were using backpacks that we could smush under the seats in front of us. If I was flying, I wouldn’t assume that I could carry on hard sided anything.
anon
If you are going from a small airport to Philly, they will likely gate check everyone’s wheeled carry on. For the ohare flight, you may get a stickler gate agent and maybe not. Why risk it? Go to tj maxx and get one that fits.
Anon
I fly Philly-ORD regularly on American and standard size rollaboards normally fit in the overhead bins. It depends on the plane and how it’s configured, not the route. The same route can have multiple different types of aircraft. If you can look up the plane for your particular flight you can get more info. Generally if the plane has a first class cabin you should be good. It’s the tiny planes without first class cabins where they’ll gate check everything.
Cat
If it’s the regional jets yeah they will gate check basically everything because the bins are smaller than standard size, but for the standard 3-3 economy configuration American is generally not too picky unless you’re in one of the final boarding groups where the bins have filled up.
anon
What’s the quote from Dickens? “Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery.”
If you are investing in a new bag, it doesn’t make sense to base the purchase on a hope that the requirements aren’t strictly enforced. Just save yourself the trouble and buy something that’s a half inch under instead of a half inch over. I say this especially since you haven’t flown recently and will likely be boarding late in the process when the bins are mostly full.
Anon
Generally if you work for a company with an American Airlines Corporate Travel Agreement, you can board in group 4 and avoid the full bin situation.
Anon
I’ve been on American flights where the bins were full before group 4. There are flights where half the plane is platinum or higher. Probably not an ORD flight, since ORD is such a United hub, but if you’re flying AA hub to AA hub like PHL-DFW at the beginning or end of the week, yeah, most of the plane will have status.
Anon
I fly quite a bit, 1 week a month pre-covid, and I have only had to put my carry on in a bag once in my life. That was pleasure travel on Frontier, to ensure the “free” bag fit. I’ve flown maybe 5 times since covid, same deal, no one checked.
You will be fine with a half inch! Have a great trip!
Anon
*put my carry on in a box, not a bag. The box measuring thingy!
Anon
For an in-house counsel position, when and how do you ask about the hours expected? I get the idea that in-house positions vary greatly in time commitment.
I’m looking to leave a firm bc I don’t want to be on call 24/7 and want more reasonable hours. 9-5 is unlikely, but 8:30-6 would be amazing. I’ll take the 1/3 pay cut for that but I have kids and I need to see them.
Anon
When you interview with others at or about the same level, and they ask if you have any questions, ask how they’ve handled the transition from firm to in-house and hope they respond, “I work 8:30-6 and take 4 weeks of vacation every year; I love seeing my kids.”
Anon
Yup. If they’re not gushing about the work-life balance, it’s a red flag IMO. You take a big pay cut to go in-house, most people expect a big increase in work-life balance in exchange.
anon
I would ask the team you will be working with during whatever interview round that is. And I would pose it as:
– What time zones are everyone in?
– Do you hold regular team meetings? How often and how long are they?
– What does your schedule look like?
I think you’ll get more actionable information this way. The time zone one is really important; be wary of teams that are spread across 4 or more time zones if you are looking for business hours.
Anon
Tread carefully here! A lot of in-house lawyers HATE the implication that they work less/not has hard as lawyers in firms. For whatever reason, busy-ness is still sometimes seen as a badge of honor.
In my experience, the best thing to do first is to pay attention and see if the lawyers you meet seem happy. Then note if they say anything about how much they work. One of my former GCs would tell people in the interview that he worked just as hard as he did at a firm. You’ll at least know that the expectation might be there. If everyone seems happy and no one proactively says anything that might indicate otherwise in the interview, I think you can ask them to talk about what it was like transitioning from a firm to in-house. Some people come right out and say the hours are a lot better. You can also ask things like the pros and cons of that particular working environment or ask about “work life balance” or something similar. I hate that you have to talk around it, but I’ve had 2 in-house jobs and neither would have appreciated someone coming straight out and asking about the hours.
Obviously if you know someone there, it’s possible you can contact them on the side and try to get a real-talk perspective. I gave those opinions all the time, even to people I didn’t know well (I would have said all the same stuff to my boss’s face).
Anon
Different take: busyness for the sake of busyness is the worst. You get paid for 8-5 hours and are expected to be available law firm hours.
Anon
Agree.
Anon
I totally agree! But I’m just saying the two GCs I’ve worked under don’t have that perspective.
anon
I am in-house and hire a lot of people. I ask my team to proactively describe the workday to candidates (and I do it myself during my interview with them), but if no one raises it I encourage saying something like, “I’d love to hear about a typical day for you – when you get started/wrap up, how much of the day you spend in meetings vs working on documents, how much time you spend in external negotiations, etc.” Present it as a holistic question about what the workday is like, but definitely include hours in part of the question.
Personally I absolutely understand that part of the value proposition at my company is a much more livable work life, so I have no problem talking about this very explicitly, but I recognize that not everyone is that way. (I am also happy to tell people that I take all my vacation and that I fully expect that work is not the #1 my priority for my team members.)