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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Plus-Size Puff-Sleeve Shift Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

There are a number of really cute Calvin Klein dresses right now at Macy's, including this plus-size puff-sleeve dress, which looks really lovely. I like the slight flare to it, and while I usually don't like a high neckline like this, I think it looks flattering on the model. I also like the puffed sleeves, which wouldn't be the best if you're always freezing, but you could layer a pashmina or ruana over it, or just wear it in warmer temperatures. Others you might want to consider include this ruched sheath dress in emerald; this dress with a cool ruffled collar; the pictured sheath dress in regular sizes, which has more of a flare and less of a sheath look; a seamed scuba dress that's getting good reviews; and (in plus sizes) a cute sleeveless wrap dress with pockets. In general, you can find lots of nice things, and they're all around the same price. The pictured dress, which comes in 14W–22W, is $139 full price but is marked down to $117 right now. Plus-Size Puff-Sleeve Shift Dress

This Old Navy dress is a more affordable option in sizes 1X–4X for $42.99; H&M has one in sizes 0–18 for $34.99.

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419 Comments

  1. What are your favorite little-known benefits of Amazon Prime?

    Over on Cap Hill Style, Belle called out $5 magazine subscriptions on Amazon Prime (print or digital!). Maybe I’ve been living under a rock, but I had no idea. I download my free Amazon Prime First Reads book every month, and save them for airplane reading on my iPad. I’m sure there is so much more I’m not taking advantage of.

    1. If you live near a whole foods you can get free delivery of groceries through Prime Now. Prices are expensive for normal stuff like bread/millk/eggs, but you can get the organic/free range varieties, and the cost is not any more than it would be in Whole Foods. And they deliver it straight to your door. The only real downside is the app is difficult to navigate. But if you buy the same stuff every week, then it saves your orders.

    2. PrimeNow restaurants just started in my city – inexpensive delivery fees for takeout for Prime members.

    4. Prime wardrobe! You can order up to eight items at one time, have 7 days to try them on, and then only pay for the ones you keep. So, you’re charged $0 up front. I did this recently for shoes for a wedding when I knew I wasn’t going to have a chance to go to the mall and I really like that you’re not charged when you order. So I got about $800 worth of shoes at my house to try on, decided on the pie I was going to keep, and was only charged for that one. For friends who are moms, they’ve liked it for back to school clothes shopping when they’re not sure exactly what size their kid is and now they don’t have to drag them to the store.

      1. As a warning, I have had some real issues with Amazon Wardrobe. On 2/5 orders I’ve placed (and the most recent two), I’ve gotten a message 4-6 weeks after returning the items saying that they did not receive half of the items and that I would be charged for them. One order was shoes, and the other was bras, so the amount I was going to be charged for was several hundred dollars. After a series of emails and chatting, customer service did eventually take the charge off my card, but I was in a situation where I had absolutely no way to prove that I had returned the items. If I do this again, I will take a photo of the box prior to sending it back. Also, there did not seem to be any pattern as to what showed up as not being sent back, i.e., a few shoes from one box would be missing but others would not be, etc.

        1. I’ve had the same problem. My last Amazon Wardrobe order (in November) was missing half the items I had ordered, and even though I immediately reported it and sent a picture, they still charged me for not returning the items I never got. They eventually reversed the charge, but it took a few days of chatting with various customer service representatives as I was slowly escalated through their system.

        2. Oh jeez. I was the poster above and I haven’t encountered any of these issues (or heard about them from friends who use this service on a regular basis), but this is good to know and be aware of.

  2. Is this correct?

    — If you and your intended make around the same amount of money, you may end up paying more in taxes if you get married.
    — If you and your betrothed have a significant difference in income, you’ll save money in taxes if you get married.

      1. Similar, Is it possible to live with a partner, without signing legal marriage documents, and pay taxes separately or is it a default that after a certain period you are defacto common law and are obligated to file together?

        1. I believe that depends on the state, and it has to do with property and inheiritance rights, but from a federal tax perspective you’re not married unless you’re married.

        2. Some states, e.g. NJ last time I checked, do not have common law marriage. PA does. And then there is that full-faith-and-credit thing. It’s complicated and fact-sensitive. But you get things via property law and employee benefits as a spouse — inheritance rights, perhaps health insurance for free (or cheap).

        3. In addition to common law marriage, there’s case law that if you “hold yourselves out as married” you can’t file as single for the tax breaks, even if you never signed a marriage license. I know someone that had a 200 person wedding and refers to her spouse as her husband, but never got legally married, because she wanted to avoid the marriage penalty. She’s legally on very thin ice.

          1. You can always file married filing separately… but that is SO very rarely beneficial. I only have 1 friend that does it because her husband has a ton of law school loans and she doesn’t. I’m still suspicious that it is the best way to file for them.

          2. Filing separately might possibly be advantageous if the husband is eligible for PSLF and/or if the spouse with loans can deduct the interest when filing separately but not jointly. But I am eligible for PSLF and could deduct the interest when filing separately, and it still makes more sense for us to file jointly and not even bother with PSLF (on IBR with our joint income there would be nothing left to forgive after 10 years). Especially since it turns out that PSLF is a sham anyway.

          3. +1 to 11:35. This is what we are doing. Husband and I have huge income difference (he makes far more than I), I am aiming for PSLF. We run the numbers both ways every year, but it’s always been cheaper overall for us to file separately because my monthly loan payments are so much lower this way.

          4. +1 We filed separately for several years because my loans were on IBR, and DHs weren’t but he still had huge payment (Doctor+Lawyer) we then went back and amended to joint for a few of those years and got several hundred back in refunds, mostly because you can’t deduct student loan interest if you file separately. It’s important that you amend your state return at the same time as well, or your state may find out and send you an angry letter demanding lots of money

    2. Yes, but with W2 income. There are other tax advantages to being married like higher capital gains exemptions.

    3. Yes.

      The Tax Foundation has neat graphics about this, with explanations as to why this happens.

    4. Generally, yes. It’s the result of the bands of each tax bracket for filing jointly are NOT 2x the band of a single earner.

    5. Previously, yes. But the TCJA was supposed to fix a lot of marriage penalty issues for all but the highest of earners. But I haven’t done my taxes yet (and with SALT deduction limitations, I’m not sure how it all will go). I hope to be better this year b/c the marriage penalty blows for dual earners.

        1. Yes, I’d be interested in learning more about this if anyone has articles to share

          It hasn’t quite applied to me yet because my husband out earns me by 3x (blasted!) but I’m always curious how our taxes shake out. By layperson observation, I do think we benefit by MFJ.

        2. I just did a bunch of research on this, and, the marriage penalty was indeed vastly reduced with the new tax changes.

          1. Actually, that is entirely situation dependent. For me and a number of my clients, the marriage penalty is actually far higher.

    6. It really depends, mine didn’t change at all. Currently, you’re most likely to be hurt if you’re eligible for the EITC or have kids. Run the numbers or look at some of the graphic mentioned above rather than worrying needlessly. For most childless people, it won’t be a big deal.

      1. The penalty was several thousand dollars a year for us even before we had kids. It’s less of an issue if both spouses are already paying a high marginal rate, but I was not.

    7. I always thought what OP said here is right, but my husband and I got married when I was in Big Law making around $170k and he was a grad student making $25k and we still got hit with a whopper of a marriage penalty – we owed over $10k that year. The discrepancy was huge, but maybe I earned enough that it was still a penalty, not a benefit? Or maybe it was more of a state tax issue (we were in CA)? I don’t know, but it suuuucked.

      1. What you owe at filing is not necessarily equal to the marriage penalty. It’s possible you weren’t withholding enough to cover your taxes as single filers.

      2. What anon @ 10:56 said- my husband & I each make about $150k/yr and even w/ zero exemptions we still have to withhold an extra 1k a month and still always owe money. Every year I try to get closer to zero, but every year something happens that throws us out of wack (usually good stuff like us making more $).

        1. I have to repeat what the prior poster said. What you owe at the end of the year is a function of your withholding and your income. If you want to look at whether you’re paying a marriage penalty, you have to look at total taxes paid, from your final tax returns.

        3. This is our situation too. Each earn about 150k. We each have our withholdings set at Single, No exceptions, and and extra $150 per paycheck and we still end up owing money.

    8. That’s been my experience. My husband and I are both high earners and ended up owing $10k in taxes the first year we were married. Not sure yet what the effect of the new tax legislation will be.

  3. I left my corporate job and apartment recently. I’m going to be self employed for the duration of 2019, but I can’t decide where to move. I’m not attached to any area because I moved around as a child, and my college friends spread out. I need to make a decision quickly because the instability in my housing situation is paralyzing me from getting anything done. I prefer east coast over west coast, just for reference. I don’t have any unique hobbies or interests. I’m just looking for a decent place to live in for the next couple of years. Where would you recommend for someone in their 20s? (I’ve been thinking about New Hampshire because taxes are low and some areas are a quick drive to Boston. I haven’t spent much time there, though.) Thanks in advance!

    1. Portsmouth NH is a great little city – a semi-college town (near UNH), historic, right on the coast, accessible to Boston, and not crazy expensive.

      But, having lived through New England winters most of my life, I might go somewhere warmer if I could pick up and resettle anywhere.

      1. Weird, I feel like everyone is moving there and it wasn’t on my radar until the last few years. I have friends there who love it. Not the OP, btw.

        1. I know one couple that recently moved from DC to New Hampshire and one that recently moved from New York to Vermont. One more and we’ve got a NYT Style section trend piece! I’m on the west coast and as far as I’m concerned all those tiny northeastern states are the same ;)

      2. Freaking LOVE Portsmouth. It’s small for sure, but amazing restaurant scene, lots of great things to do that are in easy driving distance. I live in metro Boston, but am 45 mins from Portsmouth. It’s a traditional New England winter so make sure you’re ready for that if you’re coming from warmer climates, but you’ll get all four seasons for sure.

      3. I love the scenery in New Hampshire, it’s definitely beautiful. But I lived in Manchester (largest city in NH) briefly and really hated it. It was a very conservative, blue collar environment and honestly seemed quite hostile to professional women. I was harassed more in my 6 months there than in the rest of my life combined (and I’ve lived in Boston, California, Seattle, Chicago and several smaller Midwestern cities, so I have quite a few data points). Maybe Portsmouth is very different, but living in Manchester really put me off the state.

        1. Weird! I work in Manchester and have felt zero hostility towards professional working women. I’ve been hesitant to move out of state because of how progressive it is. How long ago was this?

          1. 15 years ago, which I didn’t actually realize until you asked. Gah I’m old! So hopefully it’s changed for the better.

    2. I think this depends on what you like and how much “stuff” you want near you. I’d consider someplace near Nashville or Chattanooga (friends live there and love it), Charlotte (or nearby-ish Greenville), maybe St Petersburg, or Providence.

    4. Does your self employment require meetings/ phone calls with people on a specific coast? NH isn’t really a “quick drive” to Boston- but there is no income tax. If you own property, your property taxes are higher. Portsmouth could be fun but I’m not sure what kind of scene there is for 20-somethings. If you don’t like the cold or snow, or winter activities (snowmobiling, skiing etc) I’d avoid NH and head south. Maybe live in a vacation area for a while where commuting would be a pain. Martha’s Vineyard/cape cod if you like MA, outer banks, Hilton head, etc.

        1. I love Portland Maine and would totally move there if I had the chance. It’s a great small city with a fun scene and I believe you can take the train to Boston. Weather is not good though.

      2. You don’t have to own property to pay property taxes. I imagine the cost of rent would be just as much higher to account for higher property taxes.

    5. Raleigh, NC or similar. If you are self-employed and presumably making the same amount of money anywhere, live somewhere inexpensive.

      1. I think OP needs to take into consideration lifestyle. I recently had to go to Raleigh for personal reasons and as a female, vegan, atheist, environmentalist I could have not been less welcome.

        1. Yeah, Raleigh is great if you are exactly the type of person who is happy in Raleigh. I’m not.

        2. That is so funny — I have tons of family and school friends in Raleighwood and there seems to be quite a lot of fellow travelers that you are missing. A lot. Your tribe is there, but it looks like you all haven’t connected.

        3. Huh. I have a friend who meets that exact description and is very happy living in Raleigh.

        4. OTOH, I am all of these things too and was perfectly happy living in Durham (although as my comment below indicates, I’m even happier now in Baltimore).

          1. Baltimore- I am all these things and love living in silver spring… but if I was totally off the hook for 12 months, I’d definitely go international, or to hawaii. :)

        5. Head less than 25 miles to the west and meet your people: Durham and Chapel Hill!
          I worked in Raleigh for about a year and it was lovely but yes, a different vibe. Not better not worse, just different. Durham/CH is more my speed, as I possess similar out-of-place characteristics.

        6. You aren’t imagining very hard — I can think of a lot of places where you’d be a lot less welcome.

      2. Raleigh is not as inexpensive as you’d think. Durham is still a bit cheaper, though, and better for 20-somethings.
        And anonymous at 9:35, sorry you felt that way. We’re actually a very blue area (though, yes, in a red state); most of my friends are pretty far left and fit a lot of those labels. You’ve just got to find your group.

    6. Baltimore or Philly? Both are relatively low-cost cities – Baltimore is cheaper than Philly, but both are way cheaper than DC/NYC/Boston – which are on the Northeast Corridor. When I moved to Baltimore from the South, I was pleasantly surprised by how much easier having that train connection made my life.

    7. The only thing I’d add to your list of considerations is how willing you’d be to stay in this new place long term. I feel like we put a lot of roots down in our 20s/early 30s, sometimes unintentionally. For example, if you met a long term partner and a big group of friends down there, you might end up wanting to stay even if your career goals didn’t align.

    8. I live near Portsmouth, NH, in what is generally known as the Seacoast area of NH. NH has no income or sales tax, but there is property tax. Depending on what you like to do, there’s the shore in summer and skiing in winter and hiking most of the year. Portsmouth and Durham, where UNH is, and Dover, which is very near Portsmouth, have lots going on, as do many of the smaller cities in the area, but you do have to do a little searching to find some things. Lots of farmers markets, even in the winter.

      There’s now a train to Boston, as well as express buses from Portsmouth. There is not a lot of local public transportation, but there is one bus line and UNH has a bus service that I think everyone can use.

      Weather is typical New England weather. The southern part of the state does not get as cold or as much snow as the northern part, for the most part the weather is pretty similar to Boston, maybe a few degrees colder. Snow is expected and the infrastructure to deal with it is in place–I used to live in Philadelphia and the amount of snow that would close Philly is dealt with quickly up here.

      The summers always have a few weeks of hot and humid weather–over 90 degrees with over 85% humidity. Because a lot of the housing stock, both houses and apartments, is older, there are many non-air conditioned apartments. Just something to be aware of–a window air conditioner will solve the problem.

      Making friends is easier if you have a job and can meet people that way, but there are trivia nights at many bars, and other events that can bring you into contact with people. If you move here, check out the local library–most have a variety of activities for all ages, and you can meet some interesting people. And there are plenty of volunteer opportunities, from animal shelters to libraries to museums, that would also offer a chance to meet people and make friends.

    9. St. Petersburg/ Tampa- surrounded by water and top rated beaches, tons of young professionals, lots of art and entertainment, and a booming culinary and craft beer scene

  4. I like this dress but don’t understand the length. It would look so much better on the model (and me) if it were 2-3” longer.

    1. I also don’t understand why it’s called a shift dress…. isn’t it A-line? Can shift dresses also be A-line?

      1. I think shift usually means less fitted than a sheath, so less waist shaping. But yeah, I usually think of them as pretty straight up and down, not a-line.

  5. Looking for advice about screen-induced headaches. I’ve been getting headaches from computer usage. I got glasses 18 months ago to try and solve the problem, did nothing. Then I discovered Night Shift and began using it on my computer 100% of the time. It solve the problem! Headaches went away, and I felt so much better. But in the last several weeks the headaches are returning, despite continuing to use Night Shift. It happens only on days when I’m working (sitting in front of a computer for hours). Does anyone have any advice based on their experience?

    2. I get these and night shift really helps, but doesn’t solve the problem. You could see a neurologist for chronic headaches, but you’ll probably have to wait until you’ve had them longer. I’ve tried lots of drugs and botox, which also help some, but haven’t made them go away either.

    3. After 18 months of the same glasses you probably need your prescription updated. My eyesight deteriorates a little every year. Also make sure your eye doctor knows that you do a lot of computer work.

    5. My eye doctor just wrote me a prescription for specific computer-distance glasses, which I’m getting with blu blocking lenses. I was referred to an ophthalmologist for a different potential issue, and he swears this will be life changing. I’m still waiting on the glasses to be made though, so I’ll let you know. But, definitely talk to your eye doctor, because there are different options.

    6. Also consider your ergonomic situation. I thought I was getting screen-induced headaches until discovering that I needed a footrest and more frequent standing-up breaks from the computer.

    7. you can also get a coating on your glasses to block some of the blue light that comes from most electronic screens – ive found it gives the glasses a bit of a purple flash in the sun but its well worth it. Agree – its time to revisit your eye doctor to see if you need the prescription updated as well.

    8. Somewhat related–please go to an eye doctor and verify your eye glass prescription is correct. I have been having what I thought were screen-induced headaches for the past months since it only manifested after a few hours on the computer. It turns out that my glasses were made with a different prescription that was stronger than what I needed. I have been wearing glasses for over a decade and never thought to question this but the relief was immediate when I looked through the proper prescription.

    10. I agree with all of the comments about eyeglasses and blue light coatings but I also recommend seeing a dentist to see if you could be grinding your teeth at night. That ended up being a major part of my problem that was then exacerbated by sitting and staring tensely at a computer all day. A night guard has greatly improved my daily headaches. I also was able to turn off the overhead fluorescent lights and bring in my own warm-colored light bulbs which makes a huge difference.

      1. What version of night guard did you get? I was at my dentist this morning getting impressions made for my night clenching. The dentist told me she, too, gets headaches from clenching and suggested I get the NTI one (not the full upped guard). Hope it helps.

  6. If you were starting a blog, what would you blog about? Has anyone here started a blog just for fun? I commented last week about needing a new project to focus my energy on and someone suggested starting a blog. I think this could be a good creative outlet and a way to practice my writing, but I’m not sure what to blog about. I enjoy crafts, fitness, real life gardening, and learning generally but I don’t think any of those things individually would hold my interest enough to create a whole blog about. Suggestions?

    1. My husband has ha a few and they center around a big project he’s done: building a sailboat, restoring an old car, a big DIY home reno. Enough people follow him that he makes a couple hundred dollars in ad revenue every few months, which he likes.

    2. Blog about all of those things!

      I blogged back in the aughts, and wrote about anything that caught my attention, from Supreme Court cases, to travel, to law school basketball games. It made for a far better blog than a single-issue blog.

    3. I have. One was in grad school to document the process, talk about researching, conferences, the work, whatever random thing inspired me in the field, etc. in a way that made the material accessible to the lay person. My goal wasn’t to get a ton of followers or monetize it. Last year, I started one that filled a gap in what I wanted to read, where the content was whatever was interesting to me, topics varied from horticulture to fashion to finance. It was a ton of work and super fun, I still occasionally post. As a sideline, it worked as a writing sample for something else. I learned to monetize and get a ton of followers requires a TON of work–interacting with other bloggers is hugely important (they spend hours daily doing that), having multiple social media channels that work together, regular, frequent content. If your goal is fun, I suggest do what I did for the second one, and write about whatever you want.

    4. The main advice I see for new bloggers is to write about what you know & love. The combination of crafts and gardening sounds like a natural fit to me! Start with a modest goal like 1-2 posts per week?

    5. I started a blog several years ago about fixing up my old house, I wish I had followed through on it beyond maybe 10-20 posts. If I were to restart, which perhaps I should, it would certainly be a lifestyle blog – I garden and do a lot of canning, baking, cooking, read a lot of books, and travel frequently, so I would write about that.

      Conversely, if there’s something you really enjoy, you could start a blog about it and make it a point to get out and explore for things to write about. In my city, there’s a girl who goes around and tries all the different coffee shops and writes them up on her blog – she writes about the coffee, yes, but she also details the atmosphere, is it well suited to work or meet with someone or have a date, what the wifi password is, where to park, everything. It’s a nice resource when I’m looking for a place for a coffee date.

    6. I love blogs that explain how to sew something. Like, “OK I’m trying to put this collar on this dress.” and then “Ah, ok, now I understand why I’m supposed to do this before that!” etc. With lots of pictures.

  7. I have a reportee that is so blah. She’s a one trick pony; but I acknowledge she is good at that one thing. She lacks incentive and I feel, often acts like a petulant teenager (I think she’s in her late 40s, I’m mid 30s and ‘look young’). We’ve had a reorg and I have her in a new position (her old position no longer exists) where she’ll have to expand her repertoire but I’m not sure if she can handle it and I’m worried things will tank on her end. (I’ve had her work on similar projects because I needed the help and she doesn’t go beyond, see what needs to be done and do it she needs to be micromanaged or told every single step, which is exhausting for me. I’ve also heard from others that she once reported to that there were ‘personality conflicts’ and that she was difficult to work with.) I’m keeping her on because she’s been in the company longer than me, she seems to want to do the work and I need someone in that role and I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I really don’t like her (not as a person, I don’t know her in that way, rather as a worker). Tips? Advice?

    1. Manage her. Give her goals and if she doesn’t meet them, coach her. If it goes way south, put her on a PIP.

      Proactively ask her where she’d like to grow. Maybe she wants to move out of your dept and you can tee that up in the long run.

      2. Anon 9:32, you’ve just taken my anxiety about dealing with this person from 8 to 1; thank you for the solid tips. She wants to be where she is; I gave her the choice because of the seniority.

    2. I’ve never been a manager, but I’ve been managed plenty. I’ve been called a rockstar (currently!) and I’ve been a bum (missed targets and been fired ). The biggest changes happened when I had bosses who believed in me. Frankly, my current boss believed in my when he arguably shouldn’t have (after some disappointing assignments). Feeling capable and positive leads me to do great work. If you have any reason to believe this woman can deliver good work, be kind and positive. Start with the idea that she can handle the work and then present yourself as a resource. Hopefully, she’ll surprise you!

      1. I’m super kind and positive & definitely started thinking she could do the work. However, I’ve seen she sometimes can’t or wouldn’t and lacks professionalism that’s the prob, hence the challenge.

        1. Just a thought, she might need some direct coaching or feedback on how to be more professional/what is not professional. I’m sure it’s hard to do but it may make your job managing her easier, and would benefit her as well. I don’t hear this in your tone but have heard it from other managers in the past–it might help if you can pull apart whether she “deserves” the help/coaching/feedback from what will most benefit her (and thereby, you). It’s all about managing the situation to your benefit, not just penalizing her for being a meh employee.

  8. I accepted a new position and as a reward I decided to splurge for the Cuyana Zippered Tote in burgundy (based upon high recommendations from this website). I also had it monogrammed (which I knew was a risk because then I can’t return it). Unfortunately, it came last night and the color is nothing like the picture online. I’ve looked at it in multiple different lights and it is just brown. There is not hint of the deep red undertone that’s shown online. I wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t exactly the same as the website picture, but it’s nothing like the online picture (and I’ve looked at it on multiple computers and my phone). Am I just out of luck because I had it monogrammed? Anyone have experience with their customer service?

    1. You should give them a try. I haven’t had to return anything but it’s certainly worth a call.

      FWIW I have the same bag same color and I really like the burgundy! Have you looked at it in natural daylight?

    2. I’ve been looking at their bags too… I am not crazy about the colors available (just by looking at them online). Can anyone comment on how the lighter colors hold up? I had a light colored leather bag and it ended up getting marked looking dirty very easily.

      1. I have been carrying the structured tote in the stone color for 8 months and the exterior doesn’t look dirty at all. The interior needs cleaning, though.

      2. My bone colored everyday back is amazing. I don’t necessarily treat it delicately, either. Looks great after a year.

      3. I carried the light stone color from May to November every day and plan to use it again this spring. I have one minor mark on the bottom and a pen mark on the inside, on the bottom. Otherwise it looks basically new. I also carry a few of their accessory bags in blush, and they’re new-looking as well.

    3. I think you should definitely call them and see if it’s a possibility. FWIW, I saw the burgundy in person (dark outside, well lit in the store) and thought that it was also too brown for the shade of burgundy that I was looking for. I haven’t looked at it in natural light though.

    4. I have the same bag in burgundy and it definitely has no hint of brown. Are you sure they sent you the right color?

  9. Vent: Any other people affected by the shutdown feeling like they are reaching a breaking point? We are very fortunate to be OK financially, for now, but the stress and uncertainty is a killer. And of course, I really feel for those who are unable to pay bills right now, and especially for those who won’t receive backpay (contractors, people whose businesses rely on feds, etc). This is no way to run a country! *generalized howl of rage*

    1. Argh, I am so sorry. I wish I could do something to help – I feel stressed and helpless and I am not affected by it personally.

    2. I’ve been in similar situations, extended union strikes, and it is so, so stressful. I think uncertainty is what purgatory must feel like. It’s hard, just keep hoping, exercising, take the opportunity to do stuff you don’t normally have time for, and read. Fingers crossed the situation is resolved soon!

    3. Will you get backpay, even though you haven’t been working? Of course I get that those that are still working w/o pay (like TSA) will get backpay. But I wasn’t sure about those who aren’t working, will you still get backpay even though you haven’t been working? I’m sure it hasn’t been a picnic for you, but it sounds kind of nice to have a few weeks off with pay even if the pay has been delayed (for those who have the savings to sustain it). I’m sure I’ll get screamed at for this comment…

      1. Yes, in the past even those who are furloughed have gotten backpay. (Another reason why this is so stupid.) At first it was kind of nice to have time off, but the novelty has worn off. It doesn’t feel like much of a vacation when you can be declared essential at any time to handle an urgent matter, so you can’t really go anywhere or plan more than a few hours in advance. And then the question of how long will this continue? Could it really be months? A year? We will have to start dipping into savings soon. Should we book our trip to take the kids to see their grandparents or hold off on spending the money on the plane tickets? Should we do important but not strictly emergency home repairs or wait? Should we be eating lentils and rice every night?

    4. I’m sorry too. Even though our do-nothing Congress probably won’t help, have you called your representatives or written an op-Ed for the local paper or something? Sometimes personalizing the shutdown helps drum up the critical mass.

      I want term limits for Congress yesterday.

    5. Another furloughed fed here. I feel very lucky that I’m okay financially and I feel terrible for colleagues that are dealing with financial stress right now. Regardless of political preferences, it’s appalling to me that our government is forcing its own employees to turn to food banks or loans to cover basic living expenses. People used to think working for the government was a great place to be, but it does not feel that way right now.

    6. I’m another furloughed fed and the stress is actually making me ill. I’m doing all the right things, getting exercise (walking, yoga, weights), eating well (well, running down my freezer and pantry), seeing friends, etc., but I’ve had a non-stop headache for days. I have 32 years in and lived through the Clinton shutdown as a new mom/mid-career employee, so this isn’t my first rodeo. We’re fine, money wise, and we even weathered two unexpected expenses in the past month. But the not knowing, and too much media is wearing me down. I’m also disgusted at the way those working are being treated. We have a sizable Coast Guard base locally, and it’s an abomination that they are being used the way they are.

    7. My husband is a fed- not furloughed *yet* but his dept hasn’t been able to give them a good read on when they are going to run out money- could be next week, could be 2 months from now (which I think is insane, how are operating costs not quasi known?). Yes, it is infuriating not being able to plan anything. Especially since my job is also having some issues and we are having a baby in a few weeks. We left big-law so we wouldn’t have to deal with job uncertainty… and yet here we are.

      1. Not to freak you out but if your baby is going on your husband’s insurance, find out now how to do that if his dept is shutdown when you have the baby. I’ve heard of people unable to make a life-change to their benefits during shutdown because there is no one working at HR. I would hope there would be some kind of work around like calling the insurance company directly but you need a plan!

        1. Thanks, good looking out– we are on my insurance for now… but my company is having mega issues and we’ll find out next week if we get to keep our jobs/salaries/insurances. Jesus F Christ, this all couldn’t be happening at a worse time.

          1. Even if (please no) your company has major troubles, you should still be eligible to take COBRA to cover you and baby (+spouse if already on plan) until you have an opportunity to assess the best option.

    8. Me! I’m a lawyer at a regulatory agency and I can’t help but worry about what is happening while the regulators aren’t looking. I’m also really concerned about the work that I’m not currently allowed to do piling up…

    9. My husband is the fed in our family and I’m really stressed. He’s taking it in stride so far. I’m one of those people cursed with too much empathy and I’m really stressed for some of our close friends. One is working unpaid and his wife is on unpaid maternity leave. They can’t access their dependent care account and they have to keep paying daycare costs for their older kiddo to save her spot. The waitlist issue is why mom’s on unpaid leave until the littlest one gets off a waitlist somewhere. Dad’s working through the shutdown so it’s not like mom can just go back to work early.

      Also, there are some federal jobs that really pigeon hole people where there isn’t really much of a private sector equivalent to fall back on. Air traffic control for example. Some high up law enforcement people make a lot of money but don’t have degrees. There isn’t much there for them to quit and go to. Coast Guard can’t even quit, they are under contract. It’s a total cluster and giving me a ton of anxiety.

      We are lucky that my husband’s agency found extra funding but it is running out very soon. It has been on a week-to-week basis which I feel like has added to the stress because everything has been so up in the air. We stopped most discretionary spending right after Christmas. I have a good job and my student loans are paid off so if we cut our spending we should be okay on one salary for awhile.

      I feel this is going to have some major economic impact at some point soon for the country though. His agency just had to cancel a major training. That’s 100’s of employees canceling hotels and flights. Delta said they are losing millions from cancelled gov’t travel.

      The biggest issue to me is that the country hasn’t felt the pain of the shutdown. They don’t realize how widespread it is. That is because essential workers are still working. Almost every federal law enforcement agency is under Homeland Security. Imagine if they all just stopped working. If the TSA stopped working. If the FAA stopped working. We are seeing the pain more from the TSA because those are lower paying jobs and employees can quit and go elsewhere. Some also don’t have the money to get to the airport everyday anymore.

      I also worry about how long it will be until someone is compromised. Part of having security clearance is having a sound financial holding. They don’t want you susceptible to bribes. Yet the secret service has worked for a month without pay. At what point will a federal employee be vulnerable to corruption?

      At the same time, some agencies are still being hard @sses about ethics rules. Telling them they can’t accept free meals or anything over $20. That they can’t work a second job without approval and if the person that makes that decision is on furlough, to bad. They have to make ends meet somehow. This is callous.

      1. I posted above- I wonder if our husbands work for the same agency/are the same person (lol). Just wanted to say I feel all of this as well.

    10. Yes. Increasingly bitter and trying not to show it because I’m pretty senior and supposed to be a leader. Financially we are ok (spouse is getting paid +emergency savings FTW). But my more junior staff don’t have the same kind of cushion, and are the sole earners in their respective families. More importantly, I am wonder why I had been so proud for the last 19 years to be a public servant when the public generally just thinks I’m a bloodsucking lazy person doing no good for the country. No way to show them, of course, since I’m working for free. I left a sweet private sector gig, earned a graduate degree, and took a 47% pay cut to do this because I though the work was interesting and valuable. Pride + stability was greater than the private sector financial rewards in my calculus. Turns out I still suck at calculus.

    11. We are also financially fine- knock wood (I was screwed the last long shutdown and got my financial act together and now am in a two income household) but yes the uncertainty is awful. I’m heartsick for our maintenance people and the people who guard our building though. They make so little money and we are in a HCOL city.

      I also just figured out that we wont necessarily get back the sick and annual leave we should have accrued which is so so so small in the grand scheme of things, but is still salt in the wound.

      1. Are you sure about the sick/vacation accrual? I could have sworn that I read you guys would still get it. My company has a stated policy in how many hrs you can be unpaid before vacation/sick stops accruing (about 6 weeks). I’d love to see a link if you know otherwise- it matters to us for the aforementioned babyleave above. Thanks!

        1. We definitely stop accruing. You lose your accrual for any pay period in which you hit 80 hours in a non-pay status. Whether we will get it back along with backpay probably depends on the bill that is passed.

    12. So true! I am exhausted by the anxiety of whether I’ll be called into work as essential or the shutdown will end. DH is genuinely confused by my anxiety, thinking I’m living the ‘good life’ being off work and basically on vacation. Sure, it’s nice that I have time to clean the condo and meal plan. But my ambition isn’t to make awesome lasagna, it’s public service. And I hesitate to spend money or do activities to fill my time when I’m borrowing from our emergency fund to pay our student loans and mortgage.

    13. Right there with you. All the more stressful that I have to go to work and incur transportation costs.

  10. I have two MM LaFleur dresses that don’t fit anymore, and I’m not sure what to do with them. Anything else, I’d put in the Goodwill box and be done with it, but these are some of the priciest things in my closet. Any idea if I’ll get enough money back selling them to make it worth it? And if so, where? I’m not on social media, so just posting on Insta/FB isn’t an option.

    1. I have never found re-sale to be worth it, especially when you consider the value of your time. Donate to Dress for Success or something similar and take the tax deduction.

      1. It may not be “worth it” in the sense that you’re talking about, but I’ve started selling on Poshmark and found it to be a really fun hobby that also ends up making me a little bit of money. I just checked and MMLF dresses there seem to go for around 50-100, depending on style/condition. You might check it out if you’re at all interested in reselling.

        I also think there’s a pretty active B/S/T group on Facebook.

    2. I buy gently used clothes on Poshmark and Tradesy. I’ve sold on Tradesy before and it is a pretty easy experience.

    3. Women have sold clothes here. Get a burner email and a PayPal account, then post what you have.

        1. Does Poshmark pay you in cash? Or do you use it to buy other stuff on their site?

          1. You can choose: check, direct deposit into your bank account, or credit to spend on the site. I’ve always done direct deposit and it’s been seamless.

          2. Cash, iirc from my use of it.

            I’m thinking of using ThredUp for the things I’m getting rid of that I want to make sure someone else uses, but I have no time/inclination to sell for decent money.

    4. There is a super active MMLF resale group on FB, started by (I believe) a poster here. I have bought from there with no problem and things seem to sell quickly.

    5. I have bought almost all of my MM LaFleur items on Poshmark. Normally items go at about 50-75% of retail (depending on uniqueness of the item). For MM items, this is quite a bit of money…

    6. Could try your local “nice” consignment shop. I shop at a few “nice” consignment shops every couple of months.
      Good luck!

    7. I paid $120 for a NWT MM La Fleur dress on Poshmark recently and thought it was a great deal. I’ve listed a few items – they take 20%, so if you sold a dress for $100, you’d make $80.

  11. Question for those who struggle to fall asleep: do you ever take an over the counter medication to assist? If so, what has worked for you?

    1. DH takes melatonin and swears by it.

      If you haven’t already tried this and want to go the non-medication route, I find that I fall asleep more quickly after a warm bath before bed.

    2. DH takes melatonin and swears by it.

      If you haven’t already tried this and want to go the non-medication route, I find that I fall asleep more quickly after a warm bath before bed.

    3. At various times I have taken Z-quil, melatonin, and ambien (obviously not otc). I’ve also tried tea, meditation, warm baths, etc. Z-quil worked the best for me. After a particularly bad bout of insomnia my PCP recommended I see a sleep doctor. He in turn recommended The Sleep Solution by Chris Winter which I found it quite helpful. I still take ambien when I travel but at home, I can now usually fall asleep without assistance.

    4. ZZZZQuil is my go-to. (It’s whatever makes NyQuil help you sleep, but without the cold and flu meds.)

    5. I’ve tried them all (Zzzquil, Benadryl, Advil PM, melatonin, etc.) and none of it worked as well as an Rx + therapy for my anxiety + meditation.

      Do you meditate before bed? You might try a guided bed time meditation as well as an OTC. I wouldn’t want to take any OTC other than melatonin on a regular basis.

      I’m having renewed issues that none of the above is helping with, so I am off to acupuncture to give that a shot.

    6. I do a cup of chamomile tea for evenings when my brain just won’t shut off, and it really does help.

      I’ve got friends who also do the melatonin – especially when travelling to new time zones.

    7. My therapist (MD) so psychiatrist too has recommend Ambien CR to me – it is Ambien Continued Release, so you stay asleep, don’t get those weird Ambien sleep walks people used to on the regular Ambien.

    8. If you’re comfortable with it a dropper of CBD oil is very helpful for me. I have friends who are completely sober, can’t even stand the scent of alcohol, in recovery and take it comfortably.

    9. A drug alternative suggestion: I have been using the Calm app – 7 Days of Sleep (free) and 21 Days of Sleep (Premium) programs and they have really been working for me. They teach you why you have issues falling asleep whilst soothing you and calming your mind – I am falling asleep within 15 mins of doing one of the sessions, when before I was tossing and turning with a racing mind for 1-2 hours before I eventually dropped off. Might be worth trying to teach yourself the skills for being a good sleeper. Everyone’s circumstances are different of course, you have to find what works for you :)

    10. Do you take magnesium? I find my sleep quality (and it is easier to fall asleep) improves. I take the one called Calm which is a powder you mix into hot water.

    11. Cannabis gummies (or other edibles). It’s been life changing for me. (It’s completely legal in my state and I just have to walk a couple of blocks from my house to the nearest retail dispensary.)

    12. Olly sleep gummies have worked for me and my husband. They have melatonin and chamomile in them and you can the cheapest at Target, though you can also find them at Whole Foods.

  12. I’m already so over today. The weather has been HORRIBLE for days (extreme cold and heavy snow) and I just wish I was in bed instead of spending an hour getting to the office. And then the first email I see this morning is from someone claiming he couldn’t do a task I had asked him to do because he didn’t receive the necessary information, which I sent to him yesterday afternoon. It was satisfying replying to him with proof that I did indeed send him the information. But now that task still isn’t done. Aaaggghhhh.

  13. Tell me about traveling to St. Thomas. I’ve never been to the U.S. Virgin Islands and I’m planning a beach getaway in March. Give me all the recs! I like beach relaxing, good food, hiking/outdoor stuff, yoga. I’m usually an airbnb traveler and don’t like all inclusives, but I could be convinced!

    1. I honestly didn’t love St. Thomas. It seemed like you really had to spend ALL THE MONEY to stay on the nice beach and the more affordable options (still very pricey) weren’t great. Renting a car to get to other beaches might have been an improvement, but that was more work than I was looking for as a solo traveler.

      1. St. John is a short boat ride from St. Thomas and is amazing. Also part of the US Virgin Islands. (I’m not sure about the status of St. John post-past Hurricanes though).

    2. My recommendation for traveling to St. Thomas is….to go to St. John instead. It’s a quick ferry over from St. Thomas and you will have a much better time: St. Thomas is crowded, busy, expensive, traffic, etc while St. John is quiet, small, tranquil, with beautiful beaches. Great snorkeling, hiking, eating, super friendly locals. Easy to travel via taxi. Most of the island is US National Park. I’d recommend one of the ecotourism “hotels” (Concordia). Prices will be high, of course, in March. Best beaches in my opinion are Cinnamon, Waterlemon, Hawksnest and Maho.

    3. My parents spend a lot of time in st croix, which you might consider. They always VBRO a gorgeous house and have an easy time making friends. It’s super, super casual. A couple years ago, the last time I went, there was yoga on the beach in the morning at a bar in cane bay.

    4. I 100% agree with the suggestions to just go to St. John instead–or at least for a day trip.

    5. Oh hey! I just got back from St. Croix yesterday, and absolutely loved it. Stayed in an Airbnb, and all the beaches are lovely and free. Plenty of hiking, kayaking, and yoga, and amazing snorkeling. Buck Island has one of the world’s most beautiful beaches, too. 100% recommend.

  14. Saw an article this morning about a teacher who is wearing the same dress every day for 100 days to promote sustainable fashion and it inspired a question- if you had to wear the same dress every day, what dress would you choose? Her choice was short sleeved, gray button front dress from a sustainable fashion company. Photos showed she added scarves and jackets for winter and an apron when doing messy activities in class.

    1. Years ago at a thrift store I found a black, jersey/modal, elbow sleeve, knee-length (with pockets!) shift dress that was made by H&M (the Divided label had been cut out). I wore it at least once a week for years. If I could find another one of those I’d buy it an wear it forever. SIGH.

    2. My Patagonia Bandha twist front dress that I got at Goodwill a zillion years ago. That thing is indestructible, can be dressed up or down and I get compliments every time I wear it.

    3. I have an ancient navy blue faux-wrap that I bought at dressbarn when I was all of 18, but it gives me the waist I never had and I’ll wear it till it falls apart. So probably that one. Also, I love the apron idea.

    4. I could do it but it would be separates, not a dress. In fact I basically did this during my 4 years of 75% travel. Black pencil skirt, black flowy top, different toppers (jackets or structured cardigans). No one noticed! Ever. I actually had multiples because i wanted to be clean. But they were the same exact pieces.

      1. This is basically me with pants. They probably notice on me – I am short and fat, but they complement my scarves and jewelry and sweaters &tc. Short sleeve button shirts are great to throw over the shirt, too, like a jacket or whatever.

  15. I’m planning a trip to the Caribbean, and want to find some fun but inexpensive resort wear / swim suits. Any suggestions on stores/brands? I only take these sorts of beach trips 1x a year at most, so I don’t want to spend a ton of money. Thanks!

    1. If anyone mentions Cupshe, don’t do it, unless it is through Amazon Prime. I ordered some last year, they didn’t fit, and the customer service was horrible. They don’t want you to return things and will make it horribly, horribly difficult. They have some cute stuff, though. Later I saw that some of it is available on Amazon and Prime-eligible. If there are free returns through Amazon, then maybe go for it. The sizing is wildly inconsistent, but the pieces I kept have held up okay for the limited use you’re mentioning.

      1. I’m so surprised you feel this way. I got 6 suits from them last year. I love them all and thought their quality was really good for the price. I’m at a lakehouse almost every weekend in the summer doing water sports so I’m pretty hard on them, and they have held up great. I tell everyone I know about them and my friend ordered some, wanted to return some, and they offered for her to keep them all and issued her credit instead of her mailing them back. Sure it’s not the best refund policy but I’ve seen worse and their prices are so good I think it’s worth it.

        1. They offered me half store credit not to return the pieces and generally kept trying to talk me out of it. I had like a week and a half of emails back and forth with them where they kept trying to negotiate something that would net me less than the purchase price to keep suits that didn’t fit. They never offered me the entire purchase price in credit. They also warned me rather rudely that if anything seemed off about the suits they wouldn’t accept the return anyway, to the point where I suspected that they’d go out of their way to find something altered about them. The hassle is so not worth my time.

    2. check out the Jcrew and jcrew factory clearance sections – theres some amazing steals in there and i’ve always been happy with the quality of their swimware

      1. Target is bomb, esp if you need larger sizes (they have so many great ones, I order 1-2 online per year).

      2. +2 for Target. Only place I’ve been able to find reasonably priced suits that cover my rear.

      3. Yep, I hit up Target before my annual winter beach vacation and pick up swimsuit, coverup, hat and sunglasses. Doesn’t run more than $100 total.

    4. Yep, I hit up Target before my annual winter beach vacation and pick up swimsuit, coverup, hat and sunglasses. Doesn’t run more than $100 total.

    5. For cheap suits, it’s Old Navy over Target for me. J.Crew if you can find a good sale. The swimsuit I always go back to, though, is one from Boden.

    6. If you are willing to dig through the website, ASOS has a huge selection of swimsuits and resort wear in a good range of sizes and styles (retro, modern, clubby, etc).

      Also, I ordered a few very cute cover up things on Amazon for like $12-14 a pop before my most recent vacation and was pleased with the selections. They’re typically not sized, but are designed to be drapey and should fit sizes 0-16.

    7. If there’s a Tommy Bahama outlet near you, I would go to it, pronto. Usually lots of cute stuff at MUCH cheaper. I have 4 pairs of the same pants from them and the same dress in 3 colors that I have used for every beachy-type trip for years.

  16. Thoughts on this before/after makeover article?

    https://www.boredpanda.com/before-after-makeover-stylist-konstantin-bogomolov/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=BPFacebook&fbclid=IwAR1sSrltxYuyNSKCautV9ToEPkGXZkhhjPLFo7AjNIRh6LcudzhIhz7ZrIs

    (I think this really helped me to understand how a hair cut or hair color change can dramatically change someone’s appearance… but I do think that many of the outfits in the befores were more job appropriate than the outfits chosen in the afters!)

    1. It’s like watching The Americans — that you could make Keri Russell mousy, homely, and awful looking is a testament to what bad hair + bad glasses can to to a beautiful woman. And for real people — when your eyebrows vanish, that is not a good look.

    2. Holy cow, those are some transformations. The “after” clothes are pretty hideous though. And I see the hairstylist thinks that every woman needs a short choppy haircut. I remember the hair guy on What Not To Wear also subscribed to the same theory.

      1. Haha I think all the clothes are pretty bad. Guess there’s a reason Russia has never really been known for their style. Would love to know if there’s a Russian version of C-rette, and what kind of clothes they discuss on it.

    3. I actually think the “after” outfits are more work-appropriate. The transformations are incredible, but the styling is too … shiny? … for my taste. The hair is also very “done” in a way that doesn’t seem practical for everyday life–all blowouts or curls that take forever and collapse the second you walk outdoors if there is any humidity at all.

    4. I laughed out loud at the comment on the nuclear physicist one: “Well, thank god she’s pretty and stylish now. I mean, before she was just a nuclear physicist…”

      2. I also giggled at that comment…they look very good but the style is very Eastern European which isn’t my personal fave.

        1. That was actually one of the looks I kind of liked and wondered if I could pull off – the idea of leather leggings under a dress that has some sort of high slit.

    5. I would love to see a makeover series where the “after” required the same or less day-to-day maintenance than the before. It’s amazing what a haircut and clothes can do, but if it takes 15 minutes to achieve the “before” look and 1.5 hours to achieve the “after”, that’s not terribly useful except for special events.

      1. Yes- I know that for me I can look much better if I put product in my hair (pixie cut) and swipe on some dark pink lipstain and mascara (maybe some very light pink eyeshadow), and that’s about all I do when I even do that. Anything that involves multiple eyeshadows, contouring, etc. is not sustainable for me. Maybe for others, but I’m not going to do it every day. I think these makeovers are probably a lot of daily work.

        1. None of that makeup looked terribly difficult. Slap some lipstick on and call it good. And most of those haircuts looked pretty low-maintenance too.

          1. Every single one of those women was wearing concealer, foundation, eye makeup, lipstick, mascara and blush or contouring at a minimum. It’s fine if you want to do that every day, but 7+ products plus the time to apply them should not be the minimum requirement to look professional imo.

    6. Was the point of the clothes to even be office wear? I don’t think it was. But this is pretty neat to see!

  17. Can anyone recommend warm gloves or glove liners to wear underneath mittens while skiing? No leather please. I went skiing a few days ago and wearing just my mittens (Columbia brand, very warm) left my hands freezing.

    1. I like North Face’s etip line — they’re reasonably warm but not super thick, so should fit comfortably into a mitten.

    2. I like really thin, stretchy knit liner gloves. The cheap stretchy gloves at Target will work fine.

    4. I wear winter cycling gloves (Castelli with Windstopper) under my skiing mittens.

  18. I’m online dating and started dating someone I really like so far, though it’s early. He seems to be very into it too but said from the beginning that he wants to take things slowly, that he’s not dating anyone else now but that we should both feel free to date other people until we had a discussion about it, etc. I feel good about the way things are going, but I have certainly been painfully wrong about this before.

    Someone else who seems great just messaged me. I’m definitely into guy 1 but don’t want to put all my eggs in that basket (done that before). Do I say something to guy 2 about the fact that I’m seeing someone or just go into it as though I am, from his perspective, a blank slate?

    1. My two cents is that there is no harm in having a date or two with guy 2 and figuring out if he really is great or just seems great. And no need to say that you’ve been seeing guy 1 at this stage.

    3. No, you don’t need to mention it. He thinks you should date other people and take things slowly. You have no commitment from him. So you don’t need to bring it up to the new guy. Definitely date other guys because you might find someone who actually does want to commit to you.

    4. I guess I’m the outlier, but assuming your conversation with Guy #1 was a while ago, I would touch base again to see if he still wants to be dating other people or if he’s interested in moving forward with an exclusive relationship since it sounds like that’s what you want. Of course if you talked to him about this last week, don’t bring it up again and just move forward with guy #2. But if it’s been a while, I would revisit it.

      1. Only do this if YOU are so smitten that it’s what YOU want. Otherwise, date away until you meet someone you can’t imagine living without. It’s not the guy you’re dating’s decision, it’s yours.

      2. I don’t know…it sounds like he was the one who initially spelled out that it wasn’t exclusive or serious. I feel like it’s on him to bring it up if that’s not what he wants anymore. Otherwise she’s in a position to keep asking. “Now are you ready to commit? How about now?” I don’t like the power dynamic there.

        OP, I think you’re free to go out with Guy 2 without saying anything to either of them.

          1. Sounds like guy 1 is waiting for someone “better” to come along. If he didn’t want you dating someone else you would know by now. I would drop # 1.

    5. I think your question is whether you should say something to guy 2, not whether you should say something to guy 1, right? Definitely do not say anything to guy 2. First, you are under zero obligation to tell guy 2 that you are seeing other people. He already knows that. It’s assumed that when you’re going on first dates with someone that you’re also going on dates with other people. It’s really nbd.

      Second, what do you expect him to do with that information? I’m trying to imagine how I would feel if a guy said that to me. Like, why are you telling me this? are you wasting my time? is this some manipulative bs to try to get me to compete with some other person for your affection? or are you trickle truthing me and really you’re in a relationship? Frankly if a guy was so into someone else that he felt the need to tell me about it, I would not go on a date with him. And if I was already on the date I would walk out.

    6. Date around a bit. Guy number 1 made it clear he may or may not want a relationship with you. Guy number 2 may have potential. Your instincts to not put all your eggs in one basket is spot on. No need to tell either of them unless they bring up exclusivity. I always think don’t BE exclusive until you are exclusive.

  19. Numerous folks here have recommended reading the Five Love Languages and I finally read it yesterday (thanks gov’t shutdown!). It’s so clear to me what my husband’s love language is (acts of service) and why he gets frustrated when I don’t do certain things. And mine is quality time, which we clearly don’t get enough of.

    A great read, thanks to those who suggested it.

    2. I loved that book. I have an unusual for a woman love language which is the physical – I don’t feel loved or appreciated unless my husband is grabbing my butt in the kitchen. I know my husband’s is also acts of service. We both feel super weird trying to write mushy cards or notes or say flowery things to each other. It feels like we are portraying actors on TV or something. The book was really helpful in figuring this out.

      1. There is a hilarious ‘I’m Sorry’ episode (S1E5) about spouses trying to use the other spouses love language and being totally awkward.

  20. I’m in my mid 30s and super single (as in not really dating, no relationship in almost 3 yrs). I’m good at this question when someone is being a jerk but I’m struggling with how to handle it when my happily married friends ask out of concern and out of a desire for me to find the happiness in a relationship that they have found in their marriages.

    I’ve tried pointing out the things in my life that make me super happy but they remind me that those things and a relationship can happen simultaneously. I know they’re not wrong about that. I am open to dating if I met the right someone, but the other things I do bring me joy so I haven’t made dating a priority (which is also largely why I haven’t been really dating). I’ve tried, “I’m open to it but x, y, z are my priorities right now!” and they remind me again that it’s not either/or and they see this as me not seeking out everything I deserve in the world. It’s so clear their good intentions and their kind hearts, I’m just not sure how to handle this without the snark or silence I use when jerks ask me this in a judgy tone!

    1. They need to knock it off. You do not owe anyone an explanation about why you are single. It’s like you asking them when they are having a/another kid, which is not your business at all. This is not their business no matter how much they are trying to portray pity as concern.

      I would be honest and tell them you are fine with how your life is right now and you don’t want to discuss it any further. Rinse, repeat. Although, I used to snark with my friends being it was annoying AF. No one asks me anymore so I consider it a win!

      1. Actually, it’s more like asking “why are you married?” Which is unheard of.

        I recommend the book “27 Wrong Reasons Why You’re Single.” It’s more substantive than it sounds. She points out that coupled people get all kinds of respect and privacy about their relationship decisions, whereas single people are subject to endless questions and speculation.

        1. Ahhh yes, thanks for the better analogy. OP, maybe start asking them Monday’s question in response?

    2. “Why do you keep asking? I can’t help but feel you think my life is defective every time you ask, and I have to justify why i’m fine. And I’ve explained several times how my approach to relationships is different than yours. Please stop asking that particular question.”

      I also haaaaaaaate getting that question. Its like I need to explain what’s wrong with me that no one has asked me out. I usually just go with “Haven’t met anyone worth the trouble of dating.”

    3. I actually think these people are being jerks, especially if they keep repeating it. I would never ever say anything of this nature to my single friends. If you want to be kind, I would say something like, “I’ve heard what you had to say and will think about it, but I really don’t want to talk about this anymore. Soo how about them [sports team]?”

    4. “I’m good at this question when someone is being a jerk but I’m struggling with how to handle it when my happily married friends ask out of concern and out of a desire for me to find the happiness in a relationship that they have found in their marriages.”

      Uhhh…your friends ARE being jerks. Asking someone “why are you still single” in so many words is always incredibly rude. And I say this is as someone who is happily married. I might tell a single friend I wanted to set her up if I knew a great single guy, but I would never ever frame it as “why are you still single.”

      1. Agree. I don’t understand why married people feel a need to ask single people this. The answer is probably, most simply, that you haven’t met the right person. A life partner is not something you should settle for. I think you can be as snarky as you want.

    6. I get this from some friends too. They also seem genuinely sad for me which makes it even worse. Like, guys, I appreciate the concern but it’s not helpful unless you have candidates to introduce me to.

    7. Slightly different take: I met my husband through a very, very pushy married friend. I’m glad she knew we both wanted to find someone before making/forcing the introduction.

      If I ask unpaired friends why they are single, it’s because I have a man friend who could be a good match or has expressed interest. That said, I try to phrase it along the lines of asking if they are looking or if they are enjoying life as it is now.

      1. But why do you need to say “why are you still single” to set someone up? I totally get wanting to set your friend up (and agree that is well-intentioned), but why can’t you just say “hey, I know this amazing guy with X, Y, Z qualities, are you interested in meeting him”? That accomplishes the same goal and is a million times less rude.

    8. I find, “Do you have someone to introduce me to?” is a pretty good way to shut this down. People always fumble like, ohhh well DH’s single friends are all disasters…. Yeah exactly that’s why I’m still single! It’s really hard to find a good guy! If you find a unicorn let me know and I will be on it. Otherwise knock it off with the “helpful” suggestions about how I’m just not unicorn hunting well enough.

      I would also say – the amount of energy it takes to FIND a good relationship is way more than the amount of energy it takes to be in the relationship. Married people don’t like it when you say that because “marriage is hard work!” and yes of course it is. But I’m sorry it’s way more time consuming to find time for like 3-5 guys at once, and have to organize meeting them, than to make time to see 1 guy that you live with. It’s also HARD to constantly put your best foot forward with someone who could end up being your soulmate or a serial killer or something in between and which it’s going to be is a total surprise! So yes, while doing the things you like is consistent with being in a relationship, it’s not necessarily consistent with finding a relationship.

      2. As a single person, I LOLed at this. Always looking for someone closer to the soulmate side of the spectrum than the serial killer side but you never know…

      3. Hahaha yes, a total surprise! This is so true. I wish I’d met my person in grad school just because dating is so time consuming and for such an uncertain reward. I know that I’m oversimplifying and that relationships aren’t always sunshine and rainbows, but it’s much more fulfilling after a long day of work to spend 2 hours with your SO whom you love and connect with than on a second date with a guy who you kinda like but who is about to tell you that he really isn’t sure he can commit to anything serious but is down to bang if you want. Joy. Spending time with friends or on exercise or on hobbies or even just lying in the dark in silence–110% ROI!– is soooooooooo tempting in comparison.

        1. Ah, yes, I got one of those recently–doesn’t want to date (or be seen together at social functions) but would love to keep hooking up once a week. Awesome and no thanks.

    9. Try saying this instead “Dating and relationships are not a priority right now. I’ll make time for them when I choose to prioritize these activities/stage of life.”

      It sets the tone that it is a choice and you are unapologetic about it

      Hope that helps

    10. Late so you might not see this, but I’m a single 35-year-old with tons of married friends so I get this ALL. THE. TIME. Second the recommendation to read “27 Wrong Reasons You’re Single,” which is an amazing book and not at all what it sounds like. The bottom line of the book is basically: it’s all luck. It happens for some people and doesn’t for others, and it happens at different times, and there’s very little you can do about it, except try to make peace with the randomness of life. That’s it, the end. So now when married people ask me that question, or try to give advice, etc., I just say I’m single because I haven’t met my person yet, and I’ll get married when I do. If they’re extra pushy I’ll say I’m not interested in settling for someone I’m not in love with, and ask if that’s what they’re recommending…? I’ll also add that I don’t really need any advice, just friendship and support during those times when dating is hard (ugh).

      It all comes from a good place (mostly). Your friends care about you, and it’s hard to see someone you care about not happy (assuming you’re not happy about being single). I try to keep that in mind (and Senior Attorney’s advice to “assume good intentions”).

    11. It’s honestly really weird and not cool that your friends are asking you this (like they think you owe them some sort of explanation for your current relationship status?!?). I’m married with lots of single friends and this would never occur to me to ask. I wouldn’t even ask about dating unless someone brings it up because it seems like it’s better to generally ask about what someone’s been up to and then let them steer the conversation to the stuff they’re interested in talking about. Sometimes people want to talk about dating and sometimes they don’t.

      What I’m getting at is that your friends are being really rude and maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing for you to point that out. Maybe something like the following in a jokey tone: “OMG asking me why I’m single is SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS CLICHE. How about just ask me about my life and what I’m up to and now I can tell you all about the xyz stuff I’ve been doing lately…”

  21. I am in the SEUS and need to go to NYC to a wear-a-suit meeting. I have a non-puffy quilted LL Bean down coat — will it be OK? My other coat is a trench, which has never looked sharp on me (short pear). Wear the LL Bean?

    And are black tights OK with a skirt suit (also black)? Or panty hose? Meeting with finance types who will also be in suits (but probably all men but me).

    1. When is your trip? Our weather has been all over the place. It was 10 on Monday but in the 50’s and rainy tomorrow…
      Black tights are perfect.

    2. Will it be OK in the cold or in terms of formality? For cold, it’s fine. Just take tabs or anvmcsr to everything.

    3. This time of year half of NY will be in black tights. I’d try to wear black tights with black shoes (I’d go pumps over boots for formality) for a cleaner look. Your coat should be fine, the Canada Goose parkas are all over the place this time of year.

  22. Anyone have tips on navigating interviews when you really, really don’t want your current boss to know you’re job searching?
    I’ve used “dr. appointments” and “bloodwork” as reasons – what else? I don’t have kids but I do have an older dog and a finicky alarm system. Generally we’re really flexible w/r/t working remotely but I have usually been a butt-in-seat person, so I’m afraid the change in my patterns is just one big red flag to her. I know I’m lucky to be getting enough interviews that this is an issue!

    1. You don’t need to come up with some elaborate lie or excuse. You have an appointment. That’s all you need to say, you don’t owe your boss an explanation.

    3. If you want to go all-in with a long term cover, could you say your dog is having health problems that means you need to be able to let him out more frequently so you’ll be working remotely more often?
      You could also say you’re having a mild health thing “looked into” – I had a bunch of random appointments for my sinuses when various doctors were trying to figure out why I got sinus infections almost monthly.
      Personally, I wouldn’t do an elaborate cover and just be vague. I’ve also established that I’m usually vague in why I’m going to miss work though, so YMMV.

    4. +1 to what everyone else said also, how many people report to her? Maybe it’s different in a very small office but i have 8-12 direct reports and unless one of them is out literally all the time to the point that they’re not getting things done, it doesn’t really register on my radar when they’re out for appointments, etc.

    5. “meeting a friend” is always good if it’s around lunchtime, or “meeting a friend in from out-of-town” if you feel like stretching it.

  23. What’s your favorite concealer? I need something for acne/redness as opposed to undereye circles, if that matters.

    3. Laura Mercier Flawless Fusion.
      I use it exclusively for redness and acne and its great. The shade range isn’t great though, but if they have your shade I totally recommend it.

    4. The fenty concealer is great, long lasting, but can be a bit dry (a little goes a long way, and a brush helps). It is similar to the kat von d one, but less uh…problematic. I also like the becca concealer in the pot for undereyes, also very very thick so I tend to apply a thin layer. I also find priming the skin super helpful for acne – I need to make sure the skin isn’t flaky, and applying AFTER foundation (or bb cream) also means I have to use less concealer.

    6. Maybelline Age Rewind for low price light to medium coverage (I only have dark circles that it works wonders on. It is lighter weight so blends into my skin without having to also wear foundation).

      For full coverage, and a price to match, Kevyn Aucoin the Sensual Skin Enhancer Concealer. A little goes a super long way. I’m talking the size of the head of a pin is enough for two eyes. I just tap my finger super lightly on the top to get enough for both eyes and blemishes. It’s full coverage so usually needs to go over foundation, unless the skin match is perfect.

  24. Recs for a good, thick hand cream that is hypoallergenic and preferably unscented? I need something I can keep at my desk for my winter dry skin. No preference for drug store vs. Sephora brands. TIA!

    1. Trader Joes Ultra Moisturizing hand cream. When I splurge I’ll get Loccitane, but for at my desk, the TJs one is wonderful. Thick, no strong scent – made with coconut oil, hemp oil and shea butter.

    4. Caudalie Hand and Nail cream. I got some for christmas and love that it absorbs well so my keyboard isn’t greasy. It’s lightly citrus scented, but wasn’t a migraine trigger for me.

    6. I’m not sure about hypoallergenic, but Kiehl’s Hand Salve has literally changed my life. I am not exaggerating. I have tried every hand cream on the market (including Kiehl’s Hand Cream, which I do not like nearly as much). It absorbs instantly and is the only product I’ve ever tried that fixed my scratchy fingertips (they would get so dry they catch on silky fabrics). I keep tubes of it everywhere and carry the mini size in my purse. Someone on here recommended it to me. Completely unscented.

    9. Palmer’s Intensive Relief Hand Cream is fragrance free and is great for very dry skin. It absorbs so quickly that I can get straight on with typing again without leaving greasy fingermarks everywhere – love it!

    10. I don’t know if it meets all of your criteria, but I have very dry and very sensitive skin. The only thing I’ve found that helps is the Aveda Hand Relief.

    11. Neutrogena Norwegian formula. I got the rec here and it changed my life. Never had trouble with keyboard grease as long as I take a few extra seconds to rub it in until the streaks disappear.

  25. My mom took 2 of my kids for the long weekend and it was the most amazing thing ever. DH and I had just the baby and we blasted through our to-do lists, enjoyed grown up food, went to a spicy Indian dinner, snuggled up with wine and movies at night and just generally enjoyed our peace and quiet (our baby is sleeping through the night and not yet crawling, so an easy companion).

    I want to send her a “thank you” of sorts. Is that weird? I did give her cash for gas an incidentals when she took the kids (which i did only because she did all the driving and doesn’t have buckets of money). If it’s not weird, what’s a good thank-you? Flowers? Of course, we said thank you! Last time she took one of my kids they threw up in her car so I got her car detaile- but that’s different ;).

    1. Get your kids to help with a thank you note by helping write it (if they’re old enough), illustrating it or doing handprints etc. I’m sure she would love art from them.

    2. I think it’s sweet, not weird! In similar situations I’ve sent my mother flowers, and she’s always loved them.

      1. I’ve sent my mil flowers after hosting us all too- I’ve offered to have a cleaning person come and all sorts of other things that I know she won’t accept, and I know she loves having us all– but I KNOW it’s a lot to have all of the kids + grandkids over and I think it’s just the thought of recognition that matters in these situations.

    3. Honestly, if she’s not wealthy, I would just insist on paying her for babysitting. I never know what to get my parents in this situation because they’re millionaires and buy everything they want/need, and I send them a lot of flowers and photos of the kids already. But if she’s not as well off, cash is an obvious choice.

      1. I do every so often just send her a check or amazon GC “for all the help you give us with the kids.” It makes it possible to give her money without treating her like an hourly babysitter or without her feeling like every day with grandma is paid babysitting. This would be separate.

    4. My parents do this for us once or twice a month so I try to regularly send them things they wouldn’t buy themselves. They aren’t well off but aren’t struggling so they won’t take money even when they take the kids to the movies or buy them something. I usually just Amazon them something. Sometimes it is snacks or drinks for my Dad or I have even sent the huge jumbo rolls of paper towels and toilet paper (my Mom is practical like that). I find if it just shows up at their house they will keep it and use it rather than me just trying to give them something.

  26. I’ve been struggling with multiple chronic illnesses and trying to work full time while taking care of normal life stuff. I’m slowing getting back to equilibrium and one of the things I’d like to do is cook for myself more vs eating all instant and takeout. My energy levels are really low and its difficult for me to spend more than 15 minutes or so standing, and I don’t see this changing any time in the new future. I used to cook myself elaborate meals all the time and it’s hard for me to think about cooking more straightforward simple dishes. Does anyone have any super easy/low prep recipes they would like to share? This week I made myself meatballs (frozen, baked in the oven), and cooked pasta and heated up a jar of sauce. I’m eating with with greens as a simple salad to add some veggies in. I’m looking for more ideas for recipes like that, one sheatpan meals where I can buy precut veggies to make prep simpler, easy slow cooker recipes, doctored trader joes meals, things along those lines. Recipes or websites are great appreciated as are general “methods” that aren’t quite recipes. For dietary reasons I need to focus more on meat/fish and not beans, I can’t eat anything with heavy cream in it. thanks so much in advance!!

    1. Soups are good because they’re chopping (can do sitting at the table) and then just throw in the pot.
      Crock-pots are good – can prep the night before, then put into the heater in the morning.
      If I were you…. you don’t say if you’ve had kids, but your limitations sound very similar to new moms with not a lot of time and energy. It is HARD to get back into the swing of cooking – not going to lie. Try breakfast-style meals first – eggs and bacon are great proteins, and you can throw veggies into the eggs and make an omelette. If you want more protein, try scrambling the eggs with cottage cheese. Smoothies are good too – I know no heat involved, but they’re definitely making stuff that is healthy!
      As you progress, decide if you want to cook a lot on one day or evening in the week, and heat it up all week, or if you’d rather focus on one dish at time, say a meat/entree one night with frozen veggies, and then the next night leftover entree with a “new” side dish.
      I like thescramble dot com and their related cookbooks and also savingdinner dot com. My point is – take it easy and slow and focus on “family friendly” meals for “hurried moms” because I feel like that is your energy point, even if it’s not your exact lifestyle.
      Good luck.

      1. I am not a new mom (or a parent at all, single and live alone) but that search option is a really good idea, thanks!

    2. there’s a Mark Bittman cookbook called “Kitchen Matrix” that I find really useful for figuring out what to do with a random ingredient or how to make something similar to what I already know how to cook, but with a different flavor profile. it’s laid out very visually. some of the recipes are more complex then what you want, but it could be good for ideas! (especially if you don’t like the style/flavors/food profile of the many easy food blogs that rely on things like instant soup mix, but still want food that’s easy)

      1. Not OP but I will check out that Mark Bittman book!

        When we’re in a particularly busy or stressful time, we get really simple with our meals. I’ll make a batch of rice and a roasted chicken on Sunday, and then mix that with steam-in-the-bag veggies during the week. I don’t have a recipe for chicken but a method – chopped onions and carrots in bottom of the roasting pan, chopped celery and carrots in the cavity along with any herbs you’ve got, liberally brush outside with melted butter and pat on salt + pepper.

    3. Emily Henderson is posting a soup every sat on her blog- when I’m not pregnant & puking everything up- making a huge hearty soup (for me lots of veggies and lots of beans) on Sunday and having it in the fridge for quick portions to eat throughout the week is a lifesaver.

    4. My easiest “recipe” formula is shredded rotisserie chicken + bottled sauce + veggies/starch. So, chicken + thai curry sauce + a bag of stirfry veggies + rice. Or chicken + bbq sauce + rolls + salad. Or chicken + salsa + lettuce and cheese + tortillas. Or chicken + Indian-style curry sauce + frozen spinach + rice or naan. You can get a huge bag of pre-shredded chicken at Costco, or cook a massive amount in a crock pot one day, shred, and freeze in smaller bags so you can pull one out of the freezer when you need it.

    5. One of my favorite slow cooker meals is sooo easy and yummy in this weather:
      2lb of sirloin (you can use more or less)
      1 cup of heinz chili sauce
      1 packet of onion soup mix
      1 bottle of beer (I tend to go with ambers and light beers, but I doubt it matters)

      Stir the chili sauce, soup mix, and beer together in a bowl, pour over the sirloin. About 6-8 hours in the crockpot on low. When it’s done, remove the meat, shred it with two forks, pour however much sauce you want over it (it’s pretty salty). Eat on its own or over rice (instant or in rice cooker) or mashed potatoes (almost always bought premade at the deli counter). Throw together some greens or a veggie as a side, and it’s a great winter meal. I usually freeze the leftovers.

      1. Love this Ina recipe. It can also be baked in a 450 degree oven for about 10-12 minutes.

        1. Yes, I should add that I don’t grill it, I cook it in the oven at 400 for 16-18 min.

    7. Google “kale sausage beans Cup of Jo.” That recipe has become a weeknight go-to for me and could NOT be easier.

    8. I saw a super simple baked chicken recipe online several years ago that is still my go-to meal when I really don’t feel like cooking. Turn the oven to 375. Put some chicken (I use boneless skinless breasts) in an oven-proof pan or dish with sides (like a glass baking dish). Mix together about a 1/3 cup of mayo and about a 1/4 cup of grated Parmesan in a small bowl (sorry I don’t know the measurements, I quit measuring a long time ago). I add salt, pepper, pre-diced jar garlic, and cajun seasoning to the mix also. Smear the mix on top of the chicken. Put it in the oven–I don’t even wait for it to finish pre-heating– and set a timer for 40 minutes. It may not be done right at 40 minutes but check on it (cut open or thermometer) then and let it keep cooking in five to ten minute increments if needed. I usually steam some broccoli to make it a whole meal and might add some rice if I feel like I need or want a starch that night. I affectionately call it Mayo Chicken even though I hated mayonnaise for a large portion of my life and still only really like a tiny bit on certain sandwiches.

    9. I also have multiple chronic illnesses, and I work full time and have 3 kids.
      Because of my illnesses (all autoimmune), I am currently doing the Autoimmune Protocol diet.
      I’ve been doing a lot of AIP compliant sheet pan dinners. If you google AIP sheet pan, lots should come up, and they don’t have beans or dairy. Even if you don’t have autoimmune issues, these recipes are whole food based and nutrient dense.

    10. I keep a variety of last minute proteins and last minute sides/vegetables in the fridge and freezer so they’re ready to go when I don’t feel like cooking. All of these take none or minimal cooking and don’t spoil quickly. I get all of this at Trader Joe’s:

      Last minute proteins:
      Grilled balsamic chicken breast
      Chicken sausage
      Smoked fish (hot smoked salmon, trout, mackerel)
      Salami
      Frozen dumplings/gyoza
      Frozen shrimp

      Last minute sides and vegetables:
      Various shredded vegetable slaw mixes (takes a while to go bad)
      3 pack of red/green/yellow peppers
      Pre-cooked steamed beets (mix them with the TJ carrot ginger dressing)
      Sweet potato (wrap it in a wet paper towel and microwave it)
      Dolmas (in a tin near the olives)
      Frozen mixed green veggies
      Frozen cauliflower rice “stuffing”
      Frozen cauliflower fried rice
      Frozen rice or quinoa
      Frozen chimichurri rice

      Sample meals:
      Chicken breast with frozen cauliflower rice “stuffing”
      Chicken sausage and frozen mixed green veggies on a microwaved sweet potato
      Hot smoked salmon with beets and slaw
      Dumplings with frozen cauliflower fried rice
      Salami with dolmas and sliced pepper

      I also recommend buying some sauces from Trader Joe’s. Some of my favorites are the Carolina BBQ sauce (vinegar-based), soyaki, yuzu kosho hot sauce, the vegan pesto (even better than regular pesto and keeps for a long time) and the carrot ginger dressing from the refrigerated case.

  27. I’m going to DC in a couple weeks for work. Any recs on things to do (that are open w/ the shutdown) or good food to eat? I’m staying near the Zoo but am open to taking the metro to other areas.

    1. Late, hope you’re still checking. The Lebanese restaurant down Connecticut Ave from the Zoo is excellent. The Phillips Collection, near the Dupont Metro, is private not federal so unaffected by the shutdown, and is one of my favorite museums. If the weather is good, the walk from the zoo area down to the Dupont Circle area is lovely, and there are lots of great restaurants and shops there, including a wonderful bookstore/café, Kramerbooks.

  28. Not really sure what my question is. My organization is spread over two offices – I became the interim director of one of them in November because the main director went on maternity leave and the interim director quit. I had the most seniority of those remaining. I am applying for other jobs, and have been since before I became interim director, mostly because I am overworked and underpaid here. However, I feel bad that my office will be pretty screwed if I leave, because my organization always promotes from within, and neither of the other two staffers left could take over as director, because they are both too inexperienced. We are also severely under-staffed at the moment – we are trying to hire, and I am in charge of that too. I feel guilty about the state I would leave my office in if I left right now – understaffed, in the middle of the hiring process, with no director to hire from within. Talk me out of feeling this way, I suppose?

    1. If they wanted you to stay, they would pay you properly and you would have the appropriate resources. You are leaving a bad work environment, not leaving because you want to slight everyone on purpose. You have to do what’s right for you because I can guarantee that they would lay you off if they needed to.

    2. Are you in the US? If so, I wouldn’t worry because by the time you start a new job the director on maternity leave would probably be back

      1. Not that this should be a concern either way. It just seemed unlikely that you would actually leave before she came back assuming normal 12 to 16 week maternity leave when she has been out since at least November

    3. I’m not going to talk you out of your feelings, because feelings rarely respond to that. You’ve probably already tried to talk yourself out of these feelings. Instead, acknowledge that they exist, tolerate them, but don’t let them stop you. Your office may very well take a hit when you leave, but they will recover and move on. That’s what offices do. It may very well be hard for you to see people you care about and work you care about take that hit. But you’ll survive those feelings, the people will survive those feelings, and you’ll move on. IF the work or the department can’t survive, then that’s not your fault. You certainly, absolutely, don’t want to be the one supporting and propping up a department that will collapse without you there. That’s a recipe for unending stress. No reason to do that to yourself unless you’re a business owner or something.

      1. I have found over the years, with many amazing directors and terrible directors, that none of us are irreplaceable and the work will go on…. do what’s right for you 100%.

    4. Nobody is irreplaceable and your company would likely not extend you the same courtesy if they needed to get rid of you for whatever reason.

  29. I want to get a new camera bag before an upcoming trip, but I’m having a hard time finding what I’m looking for. It needs to be a cross body and not scream camera bag. Ideally it would be canvus, not leather. I would like it to be big enough to hold a DSLR, a guide book, my wallet, and my phone. Any recommendations for specific bags or companies to check up?

    1. Peak Design. I have the backpack, but I think they have cross body bags as well.

    3. I went on a camping trip a couple of years ago and wanted a camera bag that didn’t look like a camera bag. I ended up buying a soft sided lunchbox at an outdoors store. It was perfect! Padded (technically insulated, but same effect), held my DSLR, maps, wallet & phone, had a couple of outside pockets for organization, and didn’t look like something valuable/worth stealing. You can get all kinds of different styles and sizes and they tend to be far cheaper than camera bags. You can also use your own strap if you don’t like the one that comes with the bag.

  30. Has anyone tried the Maggie Q “Morning Complete” drink that is all over FB and Instagram? She’s so gorgeous, but what she says makes sense and seems to be backed by science (am I naive? probably). But wondering if anyone else has tried it? TIA!!

    1. I looked it up and it’s incredibly expensive and I see no credible scientific evidence to support this specific product. It seems like a fiber supplement with some extra things thrown in? I doubt it’s bad for you, but you could take some psyllium husk and some probiotics for much less money.

    2. If it’s been sold via FB and Instagram, I would 100% not believe any of the claims made about it. It’s probably an over-priced laxative.

  31. Does anyone use organic feminine products? I had a reaction to a brand I recently switched to (and that I read had changed their “formula”), and though I’m in perimenopause I still need to use something occasionally. I read in the NYT that a man had recently developed a severe allergy to polyethene, which is used in most major-brand products, and I wonder if that’s what I need to avoid now.

    And yes, I’m seeing my gynecologist next week. I just wanted some product recommendations. Thank you.

    1. By feminine products do you mean pads or something else? I am so super sensitive to pretty much anything against my skin and the only pads I can tolerate atm are the hospital maternity pads. I know a lot of people hate them, but they are mostly cotton and just don’t seem to cause the irritation that other things do. Also, not to get in the weeds- but having some hair helps vs being more groomed helps for me as it creates a buffer for me.

    2. I’ve been using washable pads and I really love them. I use cloth diapers for my little guy so throw them in with that laundry but if I didn’t, I’d just rinse and throw in my normal wash.

      1. I do the same, wash in the normal laundry on cold. I’m super allergic to plastic so can’t use the regular store brands, and the organic stuff is mostly just paper. I buy from Mama Bear Baby Wear on Etsy and she will do custom color selection or custom lengths etc, use cotton thread if needed, etc.

    3. You might be a good candidate for switching to a cup. I started using one about four months ago and am not in love with it, but I think it’s because I have a somewhat heavy flow so I have to empty it more often (including overnight) than most women. On my medium to light days it is awesome–I only have to mess with it every 12 hours. It may be great for you if have a somewhat medium or lighter flow. It does seem to be easier on the inside of my va*ina because it doesn’t absorb the way tampons do. You might also consider switching laundry detergents, if it’s an external issue versus internal.

    4. Yes. Not because I think they have to be organic, but because they’re poorly regulated and badly under researched, so I prefer to apply the precautionary principle. And I always need the minimally irritating versions of everything else.

    5. I switched to Sustain tampons and pads (pads probably not as much of an issue). Organic and cotton, without the plastics that are in a lot of other brands. It does change the absorbancy and makes leaks more possible if you aren’t always on top of things, but not so much that I can’t deal with it. They have a subscription model where you can just have them send x boxes every month or every other month of whatever combo of absorbencies you need, which is handy.

  32. I’m getting overwhelmed by my partner’s cluelessness and need to vent. I think he honestly doesn’t realize the amount of mental and physical work that some of what I do entails. He gets home at 6:30 every day, and by then I already have a dinner recipe picked out and started. I asked him today if he had any suggestions for dinner and he said « homemade pizza from scratch ». Ummm… buddy. What??? I know we have a new Kitchenaid mixer, but even still this is a meal that takes a minimum of two hours to make (between picking up toppings, chopping toppings, making dough, letting dough rest for at least an hour). Like? Does he not have any idea how much work this is on a weeknight? He is spoiled af. How do I make the work I do known? He comes home to risotto and all sorts of from scratch meals, without realizing the work at all.

    1. Tell him “great, have fun making it” and let him see for himself how much work it is.

      1. But if I stop cooking and planning meals, we will not eat homemade or healthy meals. We will eat takeout. Or we will eat convenience food. I don’t necessarily mind cooking because I am also really doing it for my own benefit knowing the alternative, but I need him to be less clueless. It’s not a restaurant, and I think reasonable people know this, even if it’s their division of labour includes them cooking the meals.

        1. He’s an adult, presumably an educated one. He can figure it out. Let him plan, shop and cook for a few meals a week. Stop mothering him.

        2. Good grief, you can cook homemade, healthy meals that aren’t risotto or pizza with homemade dough! Marinate a piece of chicken or fish, throw in the oven with some chopped vegetables tossed in olive oil. It takes <10 minutes of prep. And again, use your words. Tell him how much time it takes to cook dinner and ask him to take on some other household chores because you do 100% of the cooking. If you can't communicate, you can't really blame him.

        3. As a long time married person- I think you are being a little unreasonable here and making yourself a martyr (I say this as a fellow regular martyr & my husband calls me out on it, and he’s right). You can either let him do his thing and deal with the results of that, or do your thing, your way, and deal with the work that entails. Maybe make some nights his to plan & do & some nights yours to split the burden… or plan the week’s meals in advance.

          1. Exactly. You cook regularly, he doesn’t, you asked what he wants, and he told you. Just tell him homemade pizza has a lot of steps, prepare something else or pick up a pizza if you want a break tonight.
            I get it. I can definitely be a martyr. My family loves to say, “Mommy is the busiest person in the world.” while rolling their eyes. What can I say? I like a parade to celebrate my contributions. lol The truth is that both my husband and I do a ton of things but we tend to segregate duties so it is easy for me to say, “I do all the laundry. As in ALL of it for 20+ years. I’m also the clean up girl.” but that would not be the whole story since he cooks dinner most nights and does most of the kid driving.

        4. Tell him you want him to cook and you don’t want to eat takeout or anything unhealthy. I mean, what’s he going to say?

    3. So…stop? I feel like people will jump all over your partner, but I really think the problem here is you. If you don’t want to be making these elaborate, fancy meals on weeknights don’t do it! Make something simple or tell him you’re tired of cooking and ask him to handle dinner.

      2. Yup. It’s invisible to him because you let it be invisible to him.

        Time to renegotiate your division of labor.

    5. Yup, the obvious answer is to let him make dinner once in a while. Also, there probably is some underlying tension here that makes hard to communicate, but remember you are always allowed to say no to “suggestions”. If my partner asked me to do that, I would be like “HA – yeah, no way that’s happening on a week night. You’re welcome to try it if you fell like it!”. Hopefully, he should get it.

    6. “Honey, that’s a 2-hour-plus weekend meal. I like pizza, too – do you want to pick one up, or get the dough and sauce and stuff ready-made from the grocery store?”
      I too like cooking for my sweetheart – try narrowing it down. You asked an open-ended question, he does not have any idea what he said wrong.
      Try cooking together? This is my dream. My sweetheart does NOT feel the same way sadface emoji

      1. But this is the thing, I want him to sort of have figured out (as an extremely smart adult living in the world) how unreasonable it is to respond « homemade pizza from scratch » to a question like that. It just comes across as so aloof. I don’t want it to be my job to make him less spoiled and clueless about basic life realities, like « I work for a living and anything involving homemade dough or specialized equipment is not good for a weeknight ». When we were dating, I didn’t realize how clueless he was. Because « pizza night! » would’ve been a fun romantic date idea and not super tone deaf. I have to remind him that some of his expectations are unrealistic so often that I’m starting to feel harpy.

        1. While generally yes, I would agree it’s silly for an adult to not know that it takes too long to make homemade pizza on a weeknight, it sounds like you really set yourself up for problems by catering to him too much when you were dating. Of course if you thought homemade dough was a “fun romantic date night” when you were dating, he doesn’t understand why it’s not workable now! You have to use your words and TALK to him. I don’t know why you expect him to be a mind-reader but you feel there’s no burden on you to communicate.
          Also even if he is a lazy entitled dude, you can’t change him. If you have a conversation about cooking and tell him what you can and cannot cook on weeknights, and he still keeps asking for elaborate meals, your options are: 1) accept that you’ll have to tell him “no that takes too long” every single time he requests something fancy, or 2) leave. There is no #3.

        2. Make him make all his suggestions with you. Don’t start the hard parts until he gets home. Once he sees the time invested he’ll realize the absurdity of his suggestions. The issue is what other people have mentioned (that you really don’t have to do this) and that he has no concept of what these items take. You can’t expect him to know how hard it is to make homemade pizza from scratch until he does it, and that applies to everything. I actually suggest putting the cooking on him a couple times a week, but stipulate it must be healthy. He will see the effort you are putting in once he sees it for himself.

        3. It sounds like he has never cooked much. If so, how in the world would he have figured out the logistics of meal planning, shopping, nutrition, and making food? It takes most people years to get the hang of all that. People are not mind-readers. If you don’t make the effort of communicating what you expect, then it’s unreasonable on your end to expect him to magically know.
          Early in our relationship, DH said that he will happily pick up take-out, frozen pizza or whatever, but that he has no interest in cooking. Sometimes I insist that we combine the pizza with a salad. I still end up doing most of the cooking, because I care more about what we eat and our budget, but he sees the work I put in and takes over other chores. You need to talk about this.

        4. How do you ever expect him to learn this if you never tell him? Presumably your partner is not psychic. You need to be an adult and use your words, before this all turns into irreversible resentment.

        5. Okay, then this gets into a “price of admission” vs. “dealbreaker” analysis.

          Yes, at some point he needs to be educated about what cooking involves and that may well be a reasonable price of admission. But if he resists being educated and continues to be tone-deaf and spoiled and unrealistic, then maybe you decide at some point that it’s not a reasonable price of admission and it becomes a dealbreaker.

          But as Anon at 12:20 says, there is no #3.

    7. Apparently, he doesn’t realize how much work it is to cook a meal from scratch. Why would he? You do all the work when he’s not home. Stop being the only one in charge of meals. He can help meal plan. He can go grocery shopping. He can help cook when he gets home and/or be in charge of 2 meals each week.

      1. This. Have a conversation about dividing up chores. I suspect this is more than just cooking.

        This reminded me of that video that was circulating on fb awhile back. The guy told his wife “honey, I just put my clothes in the basket and the next day they are magically washed, folded, and put away. It’s amazing!”

    8. I’ve been having this disagreement w my husband recently.. I like cooking and his job is a lot busier than mine (resident so after work he also still needs to study) but have such a hard time with breaking up chores at home. He doesn’t know how to cook, which is partially my fault because I liked doing it so he never had to learn, and he was always so much busier it was easy for me to do it with all my free time. But now, if I’m super busy it still falls on me. I meal prep a ton. If you always cook, ask for recipe suggestions the week before and put together a meal plan on Friday, grocery shop on Saturday, cook on Sunday. If he has more time on the weekend, make him grocery shop and chop up veggies. I totally understand wanting to have nice meals, so if you want to keep them, change your planning. Idk how you can pick a recipe, grab ingredients and cook all after dinner. I’d be exhausted too!

      2. Second meal prepping. I make the menu plan on Saturday, ask my husband what he wants to eat and he gets input then. I go to the grocery store on Sunday morning and spend a few hours prepping breakfasts and lunches for the week on Sunday afternoons. He doesn’t cook, he has never cooked and he has no desire to learn. I’m okay with that because we have a system where he gets to make suggestions and I’ll add them to the plan or make a note to make that the next week.

      3. We have a similar situation but in reverse. DH is a much better cook with more available time but being responsible for dinner 7/7 nights is a drain. We meal plan for three weeks at a time. I cook twice a week (M/Th), we order in once (F) and DH cooks four times a week (T/W/S/S). We plan to what we cook best and if I know a certain day will be busy then it might just be pasta and a jar of pesto but if we meal plan then we can ratio out the quick/easy dinners so we don’t get sick of them.

    9. Neither my husband nor I particularly like to cook. When we were first together, I did a lot of the cooking and tried to make complicated meals multiple times a week. It was exhausting, especially after working all day, and just made more dishes than anyone wanted to deal with.

      Now he takes care of most of the cooking and kitchen-related work. We keep things very relaxed: once or twice a week, he will make a big meal (like chicken pot pie or instant pot barbecue). The rest of the week, we eat leftovers or really easy meals like spaghetti and frozen meatballs. We talk about all of our different chores/stuff that needs to get done all the time and we’ve realized that we’d both rather eat simple meals than deal with all the work that goes into more complex ones.

    10. If he’s anything like my partner, he legitimately does not know that homemade pizza from scratch takes two hours. If he gets home at 6:30 after you’ve done the cooking, he might not be learning how long things actually take. Not saying that makes it ok, but this may be coming from a place of genuine ignorance. I do agree that this kind of ignorance is often born of being “spoiled” (i.e., never having been responsible for making one’s own dinner) and that it’s incredibly frustrating. I echo other comments in saying that he should be in charge of making dinner sometimes, but more than that, he should understand what goes in to complicated cooking. I took this approach with my partner and it worked surprisingly well: On a weekend or other night when you have time, have him pick a recipe to make. Whatever he wants to eat is fine, but he finds the recipe and does the grocery shopping. Then, he does the cooking. You instruct/help/advise, but he does the work. In my case, I just sat in the kitchen with a glass of wine and answered questions like “when it says dice the carrots, how small is that?” He was amazed at how much work it was to cook a full meal (eyeroll). Then, after he was done cooking, I asked him to take account of the leftover ingredients and find a recipe to use them up (since this is what I do when I meal plan). We made that recipe the next day with the same approach and repeat the whole thing periodically. Now, he isn’t going to make risotto from scratch anytime soon, but he knows what kinds of things are difficult or easy to do and he’s picked up some basic skills to actually be useful in the kitchen.

      1. I like this approach a lot. My ex and I had an unusual agreement about cooking and dishes. Whoever cooked also cleaned up. I would of course help clear the table and do the table dishes but if he decided he wanted an elaborate meal with a million pots then he got to clean it up. He slowly got the hang of making meals that were more streamlined and I did most of the cooking (and therefore cleaning) so it worked out alright. He also knew not to request elaborate things during the week because I would just say “no, choose something else.”

        But I also think you are trying to convey that this is about more than just meal planning and cooking. I think the approach can be the same. Have him help regularly (even if infrequently) so that he can recognize how much work you do. If he never does the work, and has never done it before the marriage, he’ll likely never know.

        Finally, I hear a bit (but really not much) of a martyr tone. That is on you. My mother was/is a huge martyr and it was/still is hard on me. I cannot be around her if she is cleaning and we still butt heads about how she should clean her house (no housekeeper does it well enough but she gets tired of spending her weekends cleaning… okay, so?? compromise?). Anyhow, it might be worth some self reflection to keep that in check on your part. It will make your tone less defensive when you ask him to help for the sake of him understanding what all you do.

      1. Idk I think if one person gets home much earlier (which it sounds like OP does, if she’s usually finished cooking by the time he gets home) then they should take primary responsibility for cooking. Otherwise it cuts into your couple and leisure time too much. And personally I’d be (and have been) pretty cranky if my SO was sitting around doing nothing for an hour and then expected me to start cooking as soon as I walked in the door. When I was living with a guy who got home at 5/5:30, he took care of dinner every weeknight.

    13. It sounds frustrating to feel like you do a lot and it is not appreciated. But just from what it says here, it seems like you are mad at him for accepting what you are offering, like, home cooked complicated meals and taking menu requests. Did you ever ask him to cook one night?

    14. Me and DH have ongoing disagreements about dinner every few months similar to this. They would generally end up being DH grumbling about something minor that would make me really upset bc I’d put a lot of time and effort into making something like risotto. I meal prep now, so if DH wants something else during the week, he just does it himself. He has also started to realize that it is more expensive/less healthy (and wastes food) if he eats out more, so he has started to come around more to eating the food I make. (This has been an ongoing process during the 5 years we’ve lived together.)

    15. Start cooking at 6:30 when he gets home :). Seriously, though I do want to be helpful. I think a lot of happiness comes from managing our expectations. Your dude might never show his appreciation for homemade meals the way you want him to. You will have to decide for yourself if you still want to keep cooking for him or if you find out another way to keep yourselves from starving to death. I cook at home during the week because I like to cook, it is a hobby for me as much as it is part of staying alive. I’d still cook even if my husband didn’t do the dishes because it is something that I enjoy doing. You probably can’t change your husband, but you can change how you approach the evening meal.

    16. You guys just need to meal plan in advance, preferably on the weekend. Playing “what’s for dinner” when you’re both tired and hangry is not a recipe for success regardless of who’s cooking. Be sure to include a schedule in your meal plan for who’s doing what when and how long it’ll take. Like, if he wants pizza on Tuesday night then maybe he makes the dough on Monday while you’re cooking Monday’s dinner, then you can make the pizza on Tuesday. I also prefer to grocery shop once a week, but if I must pick up something during the week then I do it on my way home.

    17. I’m an accomplished home cook, as is my husband. I do not think “homemade pizza” and automatically assume some sort of two hour ordeal. We both use recipes that take that long or longer. But he has a deep dish pizza thing that starts with a homemade loaf of sour dough from the freezer and I have a grits-based crust that both result in a tasty pizza in a 45 mere forty five minutes. Sometimes we buy lovely garlic naan from our farmer’s market and throw together flat bread pizzas with whatever’s handy and are ready to eat in 15 minutes. I think you’re being a little unreasonable here with the “how dare he not know what foods are and are not complicated!” because there’s a really wide variation there. If you’re going to insist on making everything yourself from scratch, you may be happier working from simpler recipes and/or using ingredients you’ve frozen or canned yourself.

      1. I’m gonna need more information about a grits-based crust. I love grits probably too much.

      2. I do that with naan, too! So delicious. Or, you can make a pan pizza in a big cast iron using the pizza dough from Trader Joe’s in 15 minutes. The longest part is taking the dough out of the fridge and letting it sit on the counter for 20 mins. Keep the toppings simple, cheese + 2 toppings, with some arugula tossed with grated parm, olive oil, lemon and salt and pepper either on top or on the side.
        Agree with planning ahead – I can pizza sauce every summer and it’s my favorite ingredient to have on hand. But, you can also make a pretty tasty pizza sauce by whirring up fire roasted diced tomatoes, garlic, Italian seasonings, some red pepper flakes, a drop of olive oil and salt in the food processor.
        OP, you’ve gotten plenty of advice already, but I think the most important is to stop deciding day-of what you’re going to cook. This seems to me where your biggest stress point is. Devote a few hours to meal prep on the weekend and get him involved with the busywork. Even the most blundering cook can wash and peel vegetables and roughly chop things up.

    18. He’s a grown person. Split the dinner chores…and BTW all others. If he does not know how to cook/chores the best way to learn is by doing.

    19. I fell into this trap early in my first live-in relationship. I got a kitchenaid mixer and said things like “now we can make homemade pizza and pasta!” I love to cook, but no, not from scratch on a weekday. Although, with pizza, the dough is the only thing that takes time, and it’s just the rise. You can make it the night before (or whenever and freeze) and then pizza only takes about 30 mins.

    20. If my boyfriend suggested this, and he might one day because it’s something we talk about making, I might say “that sounds great, but it would take a long time to make, since you need to let the dough rest an hour. That might be better to do on the weekend, if you’re willing to wait for it!” It might be that he legitimately doesn’t know that, maybe he’s done it without letting the dough rest, but that alone isn’t worth getting huffy over.
      Does pre-made dough need to rest? I know we’ve done it with dough from Trader Joe’s, and didn’t let it rest. Could that be a compromise, or is he really partial to the stuff you make at home?
      You could also, in a separate conversation, say that it feels like he doesn’t realize how much work you put into shared meals, and that in turn makes you feel taken for granted which is frustrating, and you’d appreciate it if he could participate more, either help when he gets home, or maybe engage in meal planning, or assist with the cooking on the weekends.

      1. It’s far better if you leave it sit on the counter for 20 minutes or so as a sort of a second-rise, it becomes closer to room temp and a lot more pliable. You’ll get better stretch, a better chew on the crust and be able to make 2 smaller pizzas with it more easily, if you want.

    21. I think you need to tell him that the current system in which you cook complicated meals for him every weeknight is not working. Discuss the various options with him. He could take over cooking a few nights a week, or you could start making things that are simpler, with more ready-made items (I’m thinking of a lot of the pre-cooked or pre-chopped things at Trader Joe’s.). Another option is to stop cooking for him. Seriously. You can make what you want to eat, and he gets to fend for himself. It doesn’t make you a bad partner if you don’t cook for him all the time. Even if the result is that he eats less-healthy things, he’s an adult and it’s up to him to decide what he wants to eat.

      This is how my DH and I handle things: Throughout the week, we each just fix our own dinner, although we often eat together. In the past I’ve tried to cook healthier things for him, and it honestly just makes him miserable, and is a lot more work for me. I’ve accepted that we each just want to eat different things. I make a grocery list on Google Keep on Thursday or Friday, which I share with DH. DH does all of the grocery shopping on the weekend, usually on Saturday morning before I wake up. On Saturday night, we usually go out to dinner, although once in a while I will cooking something elaborate that we’ll both eat. This results in far less labor for me, and we’re both happier.

  33. How often do you see your therapist? I have been going almost once a week since November (a few missed for vacations and holidays) but it just feels like … too much? Do people go once every other week? Once a month?

    1. This is a great topic to discuss with your therapist!
      “I know we’ve been seeing each other once/week, do you think I’m improving and ready to graduate haha to every other week or once a month, or are we ready to set goals, or…. what?”

      For reference I definitely saw my therapist once/week in the beginning (depression and anxiety and life changes). Then 2x/week for like…. years. Then once/month. Then, when needed. Now back to 2x/week for the foreseeable future. We’ll see!

    2. Yes, this is something to talk about with him/her. I went twice a week for years, then stopped, then once a week for a while with somebody new, then we decided I was fine but I didn’t want to quit cold turkey so I’m doing every other week.

    3. I was going weekly when I first started to deal with some pretty intense stuff. Even went twice a week a couple of extreme times. Now I’m at every other week and it’s working quite well. I imagine I could drop down to monthly soon.

    4. Yes, unless your analyst is the kind of practitioner that thinks once per week therapy is a requirement for life, they should be glad to have you gradually reduce your visits. That means they’ve helped fix you!

      My daughter was seeing a teen therapist her sophomore year of high school. It turned out that she felt a lot better once she broke up with her boyfriend (ah, boys) and wanted to reduce the frequency of her therapy visits from weekly to every other week. She approached her therapist and the therapist said “no, that doesn’t work with my business model” this is the sign of a bad therapist! Our primary pediatrician agreed that was very strange and apologized to us for referring us to her.

    5. I was going at least once a week when I was having a difficult time (and sometimes twice a week) but am down to every three weeks. I have a quick chat with my therapist about it when we schedule appointments. I also know someone who was going four times a week for a while–I think they were doing very intense and specific work, we didn’t talk about it in depth. Some people go once a month. It should be customized to what you need and how you are feeling. I’d advise going at least once a month or every other month just to stay in touch, though. I think some of my interpersonal relationships have suffered when I don’t have an easy way to discuss difficult things with an outsider, and I’ve ended up regretting not making it a priority to keep a therapist “in the wings.” That’s me, though, so do what seems right for you.

  34. Any recruiters here? I work as a legal director for a mid-size company in the East Coast. My company just laid off 60% of corporate staff, and even though I thankfully survived, I feel my job security is on a day-to-day basis. I am walking on eggshells. Even though I have been assured that “we can’t recover without you on the team”, recent events make it clear I need to look ASAP. I am going to start applying for positions today, but do I disclose that I am searching because of the layoffs? Or do I pin the search on a long commute? Do I say I am just interested in the role? Help! I have loved working here and love my co-workers, but as a single working parent with no cushion I can’t take the uncertainty. TYIA!

    1. My company is going through a very public bankruptcy, so I feel you- I would just focus on what appeals to you about the new role and how you’d be a great fit for it (after all that’s all they’ll care about). But be ready for a quick and sweet answer if someone asks you specifically about problems in your company (practice practice practice).

    2. I am a lawyer, not a recruiter, but for the kinds of jobs I’ve applied for, I think employers often want to hear why you’re want to work for them more than why you want to leave your previous employer. It’d be fine to say you love your job, but you want to grow professionally in [whatever the new job is], and now is a great time to make the jump because [something related to layoffs].

    3. Tell your prospective employeer that you are looking for growth, to learn new skills and apply current knowledge in a more dynamic setting bla bla and why this new company is the perfect match for both parties. They don’t want to hear you are there only because you are about to get laid off or have a long commute. Companies always want to feel special and are always looking for go getters.

    4. I think massive layoffs is a pretty good and understandable reason to be looking. Don’t mention the commute!

    5. I would start with the positives about the new job – I’m looking for growth, new challenges, etc. When I was changing jobs, I had a few interviewers who didn’t just accept that answer and really dwelled on why I wanted to leave previous job (because my old boss was a psychopath, but I said something vague about my job moving in a direction I wasn’t happy with and found a few true but more innocuous-sounding things to name as examples). Don’t bring up the layoffs in the first answer, but I think it’s ok to mention in the second answer – just don’t make it the focus on your answer and swiftly move back to discussing the open position. Definitely practice beforehand.

    6. I don’t think it would be a turnoff if you cited layoff-related concerns for leaving. We see candidates like this all the time, they haven’t been laid off yet but they’re worried, and figured it doesn’t hurt to look. I might, as others suggested, stress the positives that attracted you to that particular job, and only bring up the layoffs if they ask why you’re job hunting or why you’re willing to leave your current employer.

  35. Wise ladies! My mom and I are planning a trip to Vegas this spring. What does one do with a mid-60s mother who is not super mobile? Neither of us are into gambling. An adult beverage somewhere chill would be nice. Any and all suggestions welcome: sites, shows, restaurants for all meals. happy hours, etc. We’ll probably stay on the strip.

    1. All the shows! If your mom is a Baby Boomer (which she is) she will adore The Beatles Love show by Cirque du Soleil at the Mirage. The Aria is a spectacularly lovely hotel with a nice bar in the lobby for people-watching. Have dinner at the Bellagio and get a ringside seat for the fancy water fountain show.

    2. If neither of you smoke, definitely seek out smoke free casinos. The drink and chill idea sounds nice but when I was just there in November it was impossible to enjoy myself when the smoke in the air was making me sneeze and cough and have a constantly runny nose.

    3. My non-gambling parents enjoyed seeing shows and taking a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon.

    4. I just went to Vegas with my mom in the fall for her 65th birthday. I’m there a lot for work and my in-laws, but it was pretty new to her and the rest of my family.

      We saw Love, the Beatles Cirque du Soleil show and Penn & Teller. She really wanted to see Love because she is a Beatles fan, and it was very good. Penn & Teller were fun. Everyone raves about Celine Dion if that’s up your alley.

      There’s no limit on food options of course. Depends on what you and your mom like to eat. Had a very good meal at Jardin at Encore. I’m a big fan of Yardbird at the Venetian, Scarpetta and China Poblano at Cosmo, Harvest and Jasmine at Bellagio. The Bellagio has an art gallery I like as an escape from the madness.

      If not super mobile – and my mom is mobile but not a big walker – you’ll want to strategize your hotel to be central to where you want to go. However, cabs and Uber/Lyft are plentiful and I think the monorail is kinda fun. Keep in mind there is a fair bit of walking just to get to a front door of the casinos from the hotel towers.

      I’m in Vegas a lot, so feel free to email me at crossedpaws10 at the g mail if you want to ask anything else.

    5. The best way to see the Fountain Show at the Bellagio is from the balcony at the restaurant across the street – I think it was Hard Rock Cafe Casino, not sure if it still is.

      1. Maybe you’re thinking of “Mon Ami Gabi” in the Paris? Yes that terrace is a great place to watch the fountains and the restaurant is nice and surprisingly affordable too!

    6. The Neon Museum, Titanic exhibit at the Luxor, Turell exhibit above the Louis Vuitton in Crystals (get tickets in advance), and Hoover Dam are all cultural ideas.

      For food, Lotus of Siam, Tacos el Gordo, Eggworks, and DW Bistro are some good off-strip options that you can drive to (so less walking)

  36. I’ve seen a few post variations on here about donating clothing but leaving the bags in the car, at the door, etc. for weeks at a time. I discovered last night that Nordstrom will donate for you! I haven’t looked into what charities they use (looks like in store donations go to Goodwill but the mail in donations go straight to specific charities). The mail in option seems convenient.

    https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/content/clothes-donation?sp_campaign=narvar_111111_giveback1022019&sp_medium=transaction&sp_source=email&utm_campaign=narvar_111111_giveback1022019&utm_channel=email_tran_ret_p&utm_medium=transaction&utm_source=email

    1. Nice! Is there a way to get a receipt for tax purposes? I would likely choose the mail in option as getting to a Nordstrom store is just as difficult as getting to a Goodwill

  37. Can anyone here give some kind of a range for salary for academic advisor positions or career services positions? This would be for prestigious law school in a HCOL city.

    1. I’m at a top law school, MCOL city. For admissions and career services – assistant / associate directors are in the 60K range, directors are in the 80K range. Hope that helps!

    2. An academic advisor at Northwestern makes about 80K with 10 years’ experience. That’s not the law school, though.

  38. I want reasonably priced, cotton, crew socks with a fun pattern and low cost or free shipping. This is proving elusive – any suggestions?

    1. MeUndies has them! I ordered one pair, $12, free shipping. They’re very warm and comfy.

    3. I get mine at DSW on impulse buys – I want to say the brand is HappySox or something like that?

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