Coffee Break: Pressed Flowers Tissue Weight Wool & Cashmere Scarf

Pressed Flowers Tissue Weight Wool & Cashmere ScarfI’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: A nice thick and soft office pashmina can be helpful in so many situations, particularly in fall weather when it’s hot one day and cold the next. Nordstrom always has a nice wool and cashmere option for $99, and they have a bunch of fun prints this year — I’m really not a floral person but I dig this “pressed flower” one. Don’t worry that it’s called a scarf — it’s 28″ x 80″, which is actually bigger than the “oversized wrap” pictured here. The point is that it’s thin enough to wear as a scarf OR a wrap if you want to. It’s $99. Pressed Flowers Tissue Weight Wool & Cashmere Scarf

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  1. Rug Shopping :

    Anyone want to help me find a rug? I am looking for an oval, braided rug, approximately 9 by 7, in a cream and slate blue color palate. It’s for my son’s nursery, which is mostly cream (cream rocker, cream crib, light walls) with slate/stone grey/blue curtains and a navy nightstand and dresser. I don’t want the rug to be too heavy/dark but would like to incorporate some of the blue, so I’m leaning towards slate and cream instead of navy for the rug.

    I’d like to stay around $200 or less. The “NuLoom Handmade Casual Solid Braided Light Blue” rug is almost exactly what I have in mind, but everyone seems to be out of stock in anything close to 9 by 7. I have found a few that look similar but cost closer to $500, which I feel sure is not necessary. I’ve tried rugs USA, wayfair, overstock, the usual suspects. Any help is appreciated!

    • I feel like if you can’t find a rug on Wayfair then it doesn’t exist!

    • LL Bean has what seems like a perfect match for you, but it’s $400 on clearance and after coupon code FALL20. Link to follow.

      • Click on the 7×9 size to see the clearance Gray Marled color.

    • Can’t shop for you right now but Home Depot has oval braided rugs in a lot of colors.

    • Anonymous :

      Slightly over budget ($300) but otherwise meets req’s

      This one is $265

    • Anonymous :

      If you decide your budget is higher ($400 ish) you can get someting custom here.

    • has a pretty good filter.
      There are at least 4-5 options in the low $200s here:—to-250/shape_name–Oval/size_rug–6-x-9-Ft.—7-x-9-Ft.-/query/braided/nqrw

      • $189×9-contemporary-area-rugs

    • Rug Shopping :

      This is so helpful! Thank you guys so much– man I love this board. I appreciate you ladies!

  2. Kids or not? :

    I recently read an article about the actress Gabrielle Union’s struggle with IVF, she’s lost a number of pregnancies. In past interviews she had said she didn’t want children, but after being in a relationship and becoming a step-mum she changed her mind. I know someone else in real life who had the same sentiments, but changed their mind after spending time with their S.O.’s kids, she now has a daughter. This got me thinking about whether wanting kids vs not wanting them can sometimes be as a result of where you are in life, e,g. maybe being in a relationship that feels secure might.It could also be financial stability for instance. I’m one of those people who feels really ambivalent about kids, currently single too, so reading this made me wonder whether the feeling is also based on my current life stage and whether that might change if I was partnered. Thoughts? Also has anyone been there before i.e. didn’t want kids but changed their mind later, would love to hear what prompted the change. Thanks.

    • That was me. The change was 1) getting older (even though I hated when people used to say that – for me, it was more about becoming secure in myself, which really didn’t happen until my 30s) and 2) meeting the right person when I was older. I was married in my 20s and vehemently did not want kids with him.

      • I want kid’s but I also need a HUSBAND to support us! I am NOT getting any younger, and my prospect’s are NOT bright, given the men in NYC are NOT interested in supporting me and children. HOWEVER, the men have ABSOLUTELY NO trouble askeing me to have s-x with them, and they do NOT even care if I leave my top on. I really do NOT understand men who just want to live “in the moment” without any respect for me and my needs. They just do their thing and roll over and then get dressed and leave! FOOEY on them!

    • Threadjacking to share my personal conundrum about this because it’s so relevant…

      I spent my 20s very confident that I didn’t want children. I was 29 when I met a really great guy and was delighted to discover that he also did not want children – to the point that he has had a vasectomy.

      Flash forward three years, and now I’m less certain that I don’t want kids, and the frustrating thing is that a significant part of the reason for the change is that I love my boyfriend so much and something think about how I would love to see him as a father and have a family as part of our life.

      So now I’ve gone from being quite certain I don’t want kids, to wondering if maybe I do want them, but knowing that part of the reason I want them is because of the relationship I’m in, and knowing that the relationship would end if I were to decide that I really did want to have children. My boyfriend and I have talked extensively about this; he continues to be very certain he does not want kids.

      Basically, I feel like I’m in a very weird catch-22. Seems silly to end the relationship because I *might* want kids, because it really is wonderful in nearly every other way. Right now, we’re sort of taking things as they come – at this point, I’d rather stay in the relationship than give it up for a theoretical different family that I’m uncertain if I even want, but it is really difficult for both of us to wonder if I might feel differently a year or two from now.

      • Anonymous :

        If you stay, you are never having kids. Is that okay?

        • Most of the time, I’m totally okay with that. But sometimes it’s not okay. I just don’t know if the “not okay” times are significant enough to outweigh the rest of the time. At present, they are not. But I worry about the future.

          • Pretty Primadonna :

            Not only does it mean you are never having kids, but you are never having kids because someone else has made the decision not to. You are not in an enviable position. I hope time brings some clarity to your situation.

          • The vas does not mean that you will never parent if that is something you want. There are lots of ways to make a family — vas reversal is an actual thing, you can get pregnant by sp*rm donation, or you can create a family via adoption.

            The question is whether your SO is open to a mind change if you change yours and whether that is a dealbreaker for you or not. Only you know that answer.

          • Anonymous :

            Yes, this. My good friend’s husband had a vas after two kids with his first wife. She died, and later he married my friend. They just had a kid via IVF with his sp3rm.

      • Baconpancakes :

        I was in a similar situation, but my ex saying he definitely didn’t want them added to the reasons we broke up. My SO, on the other hand, is not super enthusiastic about them, but is open to the idea, and I love that this is a decision we’ll be making together, because it means I’m not tied to any decision right now, and if it ends up not happening, we’ll both be ok.

      • Anonymous :

        This is FWIW anecdata. I have two friends – including my best friend – who were ambivalent about having kids, but married men who did not want more children (both men were older and had older teenage children already). Both of my friends say they are fine with what they chose, and I believe them. They have very full lives, travel a lot, have plenty of money, etc. I think it’s totally possible for someone who is on the fence to forgo having children, and it works out fine. Not sure I would say the same about someone who was absolutely sure they wanted kids.

        And for the OP – I would not read too much into Gabrielle Union’s situation. I can say, having gone through fertility treatment myself, that there’s a weird phenomenon with treatment where once you start, you feel obligated to keep going until it’s successful. No matter how many disappointments indignities you have to face. Many people I know who have gone through treatment told me they also felt that way. It’s either being pumped full of hormones, or the fact that treatment is so awful, it’s hard to imagine stopping it until you get a baby. In any case, I hope she stops soon because I had two different reproductive endocrinologists tell me doing more than 5-6 IVF cycles was strongly linked with later breast, ovarian and uterine cancer. It’s highly unlikely that if 8 cycles haven’t succeeded, the 9th one will. I imagine she’s been able to keep going this long because money’s not an issue.

        • shamlet96 :

          Agreed on all this. given the number of IVF failures she’s had and her age, if I were her, I would proceed to donor eggs, or consider adoption. But that’s JMO.

        • This is me. I was ambivalent at best about kids (love being an auntie, both biological and of my friends’ kids, but unsure I wanted the commitment myself).

          I married a fabulous man who was certain he didn’t want them. I thought about it long and hard, and decided that my life would be just as full (in different ways) without kids.

          I’ve been married for six years this month, am 32, and don’t regret it. Especially after seeing the lives and resentment that many of my friends have toward their husbands after kids, I’m not willing to risk it.

      • AnonZ I was in this position 3 years ago. Spoiler, I broke up with the boyfriend, but not in the end because of kids. I can’t say whether your relationship is like mine, of course, but what ultimately happened for me is that the spark of an idea and of confusion in my head about ‘should i have a kid’ turned out to be a conceit for ‘what should my life look like and is this my best possible life?’. 3 years ago, I certainly thought I was living my best life – boyfriend is/was wonderful in many ways. But not all the ways I needed to live my best life – for me – the life I could imagine. I still am ambivalent about kids and mostly leaning toward no, but for me this question in the relationship was like inner me trying to get me to listen to other questions. Wish you the best.

    • Anonymous :

      Definitely didn’t want kids until I met DH, then decided I wanted a child with him. I know several other people with the same story. I think it’s pretty common. We still waited a while by choice – we met at 24 and married at 26, I am now 33 and pregnant with #1, who will probably be an only child (but I never say never especially when I don’t really know what parenthood is like).

      • IP Associate :

        +1 – this is me. Met DH at 18, married at 26, and now pregnant with my first at 33. I was adamant about not wanting kids my whole life (honestly I still don’t really like kids when I meet them), and although my DH wanted them, he was fine with my decision. Then at 32, I decided that I actually did want kids, probably in part because I knew my DH would be an amazing father. I’m ecstatic about meeting my daughter and we will likely have 2!

    • Anonymous :

      I was ambivalent all through my 20s. What changed was (1) getting older – friends started having babies and I was around kids more, it didn’t seem like a random abstract thing that ‘real adults’ did, (2) meeting DH – when I daydreamed about our future, there were always kids – early Christmas mornings, loud thanksgivings, school plays, summers at the cottage. I didn’t think like that before him, (3) realizing that while I’m not a fan of the baby stage, unless you want to adopt – that’s how you get kids. I wasn’t a baby person – I still don’t really like babies other than my own.

    • Happily married to the man of my dreams and I still don’t want kids. I love seeing him be a good pet parent, but I still am certain I don’t want human kids

    • FWIW, I don’t like other people’s kids for the most part, but I love mine fiercely. If I lived in a different decade, I’d have eight of ’em.

      • same! Except I like other people’s kids, I just don’t want to babysit them.

        • True on not wanting to babysit also. I graduated from that around the same time I graduated from moving people in exchange for beer.

        • I don’t mind the babysitting – I get my kid fix and hand them back at the end of the night.

          • +1. I am your kid-friendly child-free friend babysitter. Ask me — I’ll watch your kiddo and let you have date night.

    • Eh, I spent most of my twenties thinking I knew everything about everything, like a lot of twenty-somethings. That included being absolutely certain that I didn’t want kids.

      Then a couple of things happened. My sister had my nephew and I adored him (and still do). And then, even though this seems counterintuitive, my coworker and his wife lost a baby at birth due to a heart defect missed in all screening tests, and decided to try to get pregnant again right away. My heart broke into a million pieces for them, and it dawned on me that I would feel heartbroken if I never had kids. It’s hard to explain how those things are connected but it was a huge change in the way I thought and mostly felt about motherhood.

      And even though it’s a lot of work, and a pain in the butt, and sometimes absolutely heartbreaking, I love being a mom.

      There’s a kind of love that is particular to a mother and her children. Even with how much I adore my nieces and nephews, and love my husband, and love my mother and sister and friends, it’s different with your children. In hindsight, I think this was the inkling I was feeling when my friend’s baby died. I’m so glad I didn’t miss out on it. It changed me fundamentally as a person.

    • My husband and I were both very ambivalent. We got married young and had a lot of growing up to do. Then all of a sudden I was about to turn 30, we were both in good jobs, and I started thinking about it more. My mom waited til she was almost 40 to have kids and I knew I did not want to be that old, so it was kind of now or never.

      What really tipped me over the edge was reading Bringing Up Bebe. It turned out that the idea of having a child wasn’t what was turning me off, the idea of having to do (publicly perform?) the extremely intensive style of upper middle class American parenting was what was turning me off. Reading about an entire country of people who did things differently was very eye opening and encouraging.

      Anyway, we decided to go for it, I got pregnant immediately, and have a 3 year old now. We’re one and done. It’s pretty great and I’m definitely glad we decided to go for it.

      • +1 to bringing up Bebe. I think I had this idea of what parenthood would look like, based on what it looked like for other people. Once i let go of a lot of expectations and made my own rules parenthood looked much more desirable.

        • Thanks for this rec! I just put a hold on BUB at my library (all 5 copies are checked out right now!).

      • Interesting. I’ve been wondering recently if I feel the same way–that what I really dislike is a specific parenting culture and family life? It came up because DH and I were entertaining the possibility of moving abroad, and I found myself imagining some “maybe” scenarios that involved kids for the first time ever. I’m not thinking of pursuing that particular fantasy, but I may pick up this book!

    • I have always wanted children (to the extent that I had one as a single parent by choice). In looking at my friends, I have seen this play out multiple ways: (1) Friend who never wanted children, married for a decade a man who also did not want children; wonderfully happy together and still no desire to have children; (2) Friend who did not want children, married man who was ambivalent. He decided he really wanted children, they had child, she was so happy she had two more; (3) Friend who did not want children, married man who was ambivalent; married 10+ years and still no children. Still wonderfully happy together; (4) Friend wanted children, married man who wanted children. She changed her mind, they ended up divorced and he is now married to someone else (who is currently pregnant). I know so many people who were very sure at 25; some of them changed their minds as life happened and some did not.

      In other words, this can play out so many ways. You might decide as you get older that 20-something you has changed (which is OK); you might decide that 20-something you had it right (which is OK). Either way it is perfectly normal to have some regrets for the path not taken. Only YOU can decide your path. My only warning is that if you are 35 and having a hard time making a decision, realize that sometimes the failure to chose is a decision in itself and try to make peace with that.

    • Anonymous :

      I absolutely believe it’s situational. I’m single, mid 30s and am meh about having kids. I certainly don’t want them by myself, but would consider it with a partner if the timing worked out. I have been around kids my entire life (younger siblings, cousins, as a babysitter, etc) and I like kids and would be open to raising one. But I also like my relatively low-stress life where all I have to worry about is myself.

    • Anonymous :

      my former therapist told me most people are somewhat ambivalent about having kids.

    • Tangentially-related in that I always assumed I would have kids when I was younger, and I’ve gone to team “no kids” as I’ve aged. I grew up in the South, so kids were assumed, but around age 15 I started to be ambivalent, and by the time I married my husband at 22 (yes, we were really young), I was in the “probably not” camp. He was also ambivalent, mostly because he also grew up in the South and assumed kids were just the next step after marriage and buying a house. He’s now in agreement about “no kids”.

      I just got my 3rd IUD, which will hold me over until I’m 37. I still don’t have baby fever, and I’m pretty strongly committed to not having kids. I hate to say “never” on the off chance that I accidentally get pregnant, but the birth control has been going strong for over 10 years now. We have a nephew, who is very cute, and I’m excited about having more nieces and nephews, but that still hasn’t sparked any sort of desire for kids in either myself or my husband. We acknowledge that we’ll probably have some regret about not having kids at some point in our lives, but we feel that regret is a small price to pay for making what we feel is the best choice for us.

      For both of us, our environment heavily favored kids, but when we started making our own decisions, we realized we really didn’t want to go that route. I definitely think that your environment and partner and life situation affect the decision, but it’s not always in the “I didn’t but now I do” direction.

      • This sounds similar to my story. I want kids less the older I get and meeting my life partner 5+ years ago pushed me further into the “no” category. I can see the allure of having kids with the person you love, but I know when I get those few and far between feelings, it’s just hormones and the societal pressure of “this is what you’re supposed to do/want” talking. When I’m thinking rationally, I don’t want kids.
        I do think meeting the right person for you can change your feelings either way depending on what they want and how you picture your life together.

  3. Real shoes to commute in :

    I’m assigned to NYC for a month. I need real shoes that I can commute and walk significant distances at significant speed in. I don’t always get to change shoes and my feet are shredded (6 bandaids) and blistered from shoes that work in my car-commute suburbs and seemed up to the task.

    I need something with a low block or wedge, but also soft leather (mine tend to be more rigid). I used to have a pair of Tory Burch’s that were like this, but they died a while back (and less than that would be great, $ wise). A smart-looking flat (or nearly flat) shoe would also be OK (no ballet flats).

    When I used to wear hose, this was much less of a problem (and yet I find that foot socs often slip or show, so I’m reconsidering hose as it gets cooler). Once it gets to real tights weather I should be OK, but until then, for a month, it’s time to hit zappos or a store (although absent walking a mile, I am hesitant that anything that is room-tested will still be OK after being street-tested).

    If it matters, I have B width feet (slightly wider on one side due to broken toe) but narrow heels.

    • Anonymous :

      Change. Your. Damn. Shoes. In. The. Office.

      Why you being so weird?

      • Why are you being so mean? This is a relatively normal question around here. Work shoes that are comfortable.

        to OP, check out some of the comfort brands like rockport on zappos. if you have access to mailing facilities you can try a bunch and send all but the winning pair back.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 (Ok, maybe without the tone)

        Whenever people on this s!te have problems/questions about commuter shoes, the answer is to change shoes at your office. Always. The end.

        • Anonymous :

          I really wasn’t trying to be mean, it’s just such an obvious answer. Your walking six fast miles shoes should not be your office shoes.

          • I don’t think anyone is walking 6 miles in NYC all at once. OP’s not walking across all of Manhattan to work. She probably needs something for a long-ish walk to and from the subway, so let’s say ~1/2 mile at a time, and potential lunches and meetings at similar distances. If this isn’t her regular office she may not be able to keep shoes there and lugging extra shoes with you all over town is just as much a pain as walking in shoes that aren’t comfortable (bad back vs. bad feet). As someone who regularly does this, I think OP is totally right to be looking for a comfy pair of shoes she can wear w/o changing.

          • Did she ever mention an office? Seemed like the same issues I have as someone who has multiple court appearances in a day. Maybe read better before you call people weird?

      • nasty woman :

        I truly don’t understand why someone would take time out of her day to intentionally be mean to another person.

      • There are some of us who constantly have to travel btwn clients during the day and it’s really inconvenient to change your shoes for every trip, plus cart around a second pair
        OP, a few ideas:
        – Clarks are the most comfortable heels for me (at a moderate price point since they will get torn up by the sidewalks it’s not worth paying $100+)
        – Rockport for point toed flats. Or even better oxfords/loafer style shoes if you can pull it off.
        – Everlane has an appealing low block heel but I haven’t had a chance to try them yet.

      • + 10000

      • Anonymous :

        This doesn’t work for a lot of people. I go directly to court most mornings so I need commute shoes that are court appropriate.

    • Look into Gentle Souls. There are a few options on 6pm on sale and in general they are super comfy and require virtually no breaking in. Some styles are frumpy but you can find cute ones.

    • I realize these are not cheap, but I think they’re really cute and might work for what you need, especially since they’re also waterproof

      I don’t own this specific pair, but I do own a pair of flat Aquatalia boots that I can walk around all day in very comfortably. This shoe also has enough structure that it would likely do well with an insole if you want to go that route.

    • MandaPanda :

      The Payless Karmen is the most comfortable pair of heels I own. I have tried MANY much more expensive brands (and love them for office days) but for days I have to do a lot of walking I wear these from Payless. Because they are so cheap I have a bunch and don’t worry about scuffing them up.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      I recently bought a pair of SoftWalk Frontier booties after finding them on Amazon. Leather is decently soft, great arch support and a 2.5″ block heel. Definitely buy a full size larger than your regular size and I do think they have different widths available.

      I feel like with this much walking, anything other than a boot or a fancy sneaker is going to get shredded pretty fast.

    • In moderation, trying again.

      The Payless Karmen are the most comfortable heels I own.

    • Real shoes to commute in :

      Aiii — the drama!

      I often have to go from office to client site to other site and then back home, so I can’t easily lug all of my stuff and a pair of shoes. I need a pair of shoes I can walk in that are client-presentable.

      And I don’t worry about the shoes shredding — it’s really about blistering up my poor feet. I guess I’m just tender.

    • Constant Reader :

      Aquatalia, Paul Green, Corso Como. I’m a fast walker who really likes to walk when possible. These are also my go-to “conference shoes.” I have loafers and block heel pumps.

    • Anonymous :

      Can you wear ankle boots or booties with socks? I think it is cold enough for tights now. Or wear hose.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a pair of Life Stride 2.5-inch heels that are great for when I need commuter heels/can’t change my shoes post-commute. They’re on the cheaper side but still super comfortable. Also seconding the Payless Karmen for another inexpensive but comfy option.

    • AlexisFaye :

      This company makes shoes that swing dancers (like me) buy. They mostly have a vintage feel, so maybe not your speed. But they come in a lot of colors, lots of heel heights, and they are comfortable for dancing for 4-6 hours at a time. Ask me how I know. I think you could probably walk forever in them.

      The soles are hard leather, or rubber on some. I own four pairs. They are all amazing. I’m wearing some now.

    • Cole Haan, if the fit works for you. I swear by their wedges.

  4. I love scarves/wraps like this. I have too many so I keep three at the office in shades that will go with everything (basically, one for black/gray outfits, one in a cool toned color and one in a warm toned color)

    They’re great for over air conditioned offices, for wardrobe mishaps, even when it’s raining a little and I have to walk between buildings – easier to just throw one around me and over my head than lugging an umbrella around with my arms full of files.

  5. Diana Barry :

    I was in mo d era tion so trying again.

    Reporting back on my conference in California: you ladies were correct, d ress + blazer and I was covered for the whole time, although there were a lot of people in different outfits (pants, more casual things, etc.). More people had he els than not (I didn’t do he els).

    I was, however, annoyed at the m ak eu p of the presenters (about 80% white guys) and the tendency that many of the older men had to not recognize my presence in a conversation when they were talking to multiple people, one of whom was me, and one of whom was another guy. Argh!

    • Commiseration here. I’ve been to many conferences like this. It’s like the barriers to bad behavior fall away a little when no ones watching. At work, the guys I interact with know me and respect me based on what they know- but at a conference I’m some random woman. Hope you got good info out of it regardless !

  6. Diana Barry :

    Testing, why am I in moderation?

    • Diana Barry :

      R e po rti ng back on my So C al conference: you were correct, d ress + blazer and I was covered for the whole time, although there were a lot of pe ople in different outfits (pants, more casual things, etc.). More people had he els than not (I didn’t do h eels).

      I was, however, an no y ed at the m a k e u p of the p re sen ters (about 80% w h i t e guys) and the tendency that many of the ol d er men had to not recognize my p res e nce in a conversation (when they were t alk ing to another gu y).

    • You’re not, I’ve seen this comment multiple times now.

  7. Anon for this :

    Friend A works at a job with my SO. Friend A has been really unhappy at work just feeling like she can’t win. Even SO has said Friend A is having a rough time. Recently employee B that used to work with Friend A and SO started working with me. Employee B doesn’t know that I’m friends with Friend A but knows that SO works at her old job. To make things even more of a soap opera, Employee B lives with employee C that is still employed with Friend A and SO so employee B gets a lot of gossip from employee C. In conversation today, Employee B casually mentioned to me that “everyone hates Friend A and hopes she quits.” I’m so sad. I didn’t want this information but now I have it. I know that Friend A is struggling. I hate seeing Friend A do everything she can to try to fix how people see her if it is never going to help. I’m going to talk to SO about this too. He is neutral in all of this and likes Friend A but hates all the work issues going on. My question is, if you were Friend A, would you want to know? Nobody wants to hear that everyone hates you but would it be good to hear that nothing you do is going to change this and you should move on? Unfortunately, her job is pretty specialized and it’s not something where she can find another similar job without moving. Employee B’s job was more transferable which is how she ended up working with me. I do not work with Friend A and SO in case that wasn’t clear.

    • Anonymous :

      Sounds like Friend A should be looking for a new job/thinking about looking anyway, so maybe just encourage that?

      You don’t know how reliable/unreliable Employee B is after all so Employee B may not be telling the full truth vs. their own opinion. If she was so hated, wouldn’t your SO have known?

    • Anonymous :

      No. Stop being such a gossip. Don’t talk about it with your SO. Don’t tell Friend A. Tell Employee B you don’t feel comfortable discussing your SO’s office.

      What possible possible reason do you have to share this? So she can go to work every day knowing everyone hates her and there’s nothing to do but quit but she can’t?

      Absolutely not.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 Stay out of it. Don’t tell SO anything because that puts SO even more in the middle of it. Don’t say anything to Friend A because it’s never helpful to be told that “everyone hates you.” Tell B that hearing the drama of your SO’s workplace makes you feel uncomfortable.

    • Anonymous :

      Everyone hates you is mean and unhelpful and I wouldn’t say it to a friend. For all you know everyone = B and C and they could have an agenda or be unreliable. If you have substantive intel like her dept is about to do layoffs, share – but personal commentary – no.

    • Anon for this :

      Thanks. I’m not trying to be a gossip. The comment was really out of left field and I did respond to Employee B telling her I’m friends with A and followed up with sort of a “why would you say that?” Kind of reply. she didn’t really have an answer.

      A’s options are limited. I’m making up an analogy, not her actual job or dept. Let’s say she’s a TSA agent and there’s only one airport in the state. Her job isn’t transferable to the private sector. B’s was because B had a different role for the same agency that does have a private sector counterpart.

      I’m asking what to do because A shares work problems with me and will ask “should I do this” or that? I agree that acting like I don’t know – where it is an unreliable source – is best.

      • I would encourage friend A to think about ways of applying her skills to a different type of job. It doesn’t sound sustainable regardless of whether what the gossipy friend said is true.

        • +1

          I’m not saying it’s easy, because it’s not, but you can change careers. Encourage her to talk to a recruiter, or more than one, about ways her experience might be valuable outside of her current field and start looking at other fields. Staying at a job you hate because your current field is limited is a mistake.

      • I just don’t think it’s true that you could work in so specialized a job that you would have no transferable skills.

  8. Anonymous :

    I’ve been taking on an increasingly heavy workload as well as more responsibilities because people in my department keep leaving and they’re not able to hire decent replacements, so their work comes to me. But my pay hasn’t increased despite my asking for it repeatedly. They just keep giving me excuses. I am so sick of this.

    • Frozen Peach :

      Start looking. There are reasons why everyone’s leaving, and you just named a really good one.

      • Anonymous :

        And start saying no to work, or ask how to reprioritize with what you already have. If there are people that are supposed to be doing it, redirect people there.

        And look for a new job.

  9. I had the skype interview today!! I believe it went really well! Should hear in about a week about next steps. I REALLY WANT THIS JOB!!! EEEEK.

  10. Boston Employment Law :

    Can anyone in the Boston Metro area recommend an employment attorney? I had a friend reach out to me about an incident at her workplace, but I don’t know anyone in that practice area.

    • Lawyer Rec :

      Shlansky Law Group

    • Try Shelley Kroll at Segal Roitman, 617-742-0208, Or, if she’s unavailable, try Nicole “Nikki” Decter at the same firm. They both mostly do union-side labor but may also do individual employment law, or someone at their firm certainly does. Your friend can say she was referred by another woman union lawyer in the Midwest.

    • I suggest anyone at Beck Reed Riden. They only do employment.

  11. Baconpancakes :

    Just found out someone I really respected in my office doesn’t vaccinate his kids or get any vaccinations himself, and I’m suddenly questioning his decision-making abilities on all fronts. I would’ve thought getting a JD would force you to learn critical reasoning skills, but apparently not?

    • He probably did use his critical reasoning skills. He came to a decision different from yours.

      • Sorry, but no. You can’t truly be a reasonable person with critical thinking skills and at the same time believe it’s a good idea not to vaccinate your kids.

      • Anonymous :

        Well, then he’s a selfish a-hole. The only people who don’t vaccinate as a matter of principle are people who are either aren’t using their critical thinking skills or have come to the conclusion that the lives of immunocompromised people (including kids with cancer, pregnant women and the elderly) don’t matter. When you choose not to vaccinate your kids you are not only putting their health at risk, you are putting the lives of many other people at risk. It is an unbelievably selfish decision, unless you truly lack the mental capacity to comprehend the science and understand the concept of herd immunity.

        • Anonymous :

          Selfish and short-view, since they are ultimately hurting themselves. The reason the anti-vaxxers can afford to not get vaccinates is because of herd immunity, but if enough people subscribe to that effort, you lose herd immunity. And the anti-vaxxers lose the protection they were benefiting from. It’s kind of a tragedy of the commons, really.

      • Black clothes :

        I call troll on Anon2. No critical thinking skills utilized there. Just willful ignorance.

    • I’ve come to the conclusion that anti-vaxxers are making that choice based on emotion and fear, not facts or logic. Doesn’t make it easier to stomach, but I also wouldn’t waste my breath on proving my point.

      • I think of it like a religion. Using a fact and science based approach doesn’t work with people who believe in magic things.

      • Baconpancakes :

        No, I didn’t say anything, but I did quickly change the topic and then leave the conversation. It’s just… science! Measles outbreaks at Disney! The return of polio! Children undergoing cancer treatments who can’t receive vaccinations! These aren’t things that anyone can argue are ok to ignore because you’re “uncomfortable” vaccinating your kid, contrasted with the miles of study that has debunked the anti-vax claims. I am just aghast at this.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      I had this same reaction to finding out a co-counsel I worked with was a little anti-vaccine.

    • Senior Attorney :


      On a science-related and happier note, today is Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s birthday. I heart him.

    • I agree. This would make me question a fellow attorney’s judgment. For me, law school changed the way I think and look at problems. But, the more attorneys I meet, the more I realize JD can just be a degree for some.

    • My son is vaccine injured. Not just my opinion but the medical opinon of his imminologist, other doctors. Not everyone can handle the current vaccine schedule and vaccine makers are immune from suit. Did you know that the lead author of the medical study showing no link between autism and the MMR vaccine has admitted that there was a statistically significant link but that he was directed to manipulate the data? The link was most significant for African American boys. If you are open minded enough to watch vaxxed, streaming on Amazon, you might learn a few things not covered by our pharma controlled media.

    • Anonymous :

      I almost died after the regular infant immunizations. I was in the ICU. Because of this, my mom got a religious exemption (we went to a UU church), and I didn’t have any vaccines until I went to college. My college made me get them. I am very pro-vaccine. It honestly horrifies me that I could have been Typhoid Mary. I’ve researched this issue and feel that the benefits outweigh the risks, even as a child who was injured by vaccines. Anything has side effects for a small segment, and I was in that segment. That doesn’t mean we should do away with vaccines.

  12. Ethics quandary :

    Attorneys, what do you think of this situation? A colleague at my office has a client who was sued in another state no one in my office is licensed in. Said colleague, who has never answered a complaint before, did some research and answered the complaint with affirmative defenses based on that state’s law. The client filed is pro se. Colleague handled serving it on the opposing attorney and is actively trying to engage the opposing attorney in settlement talks (I don’t think opponent has responded). All of this is at the direction of a partner.

    • Legal Aid Lawyer :

      Nope. Nope. Nope. They’re not licensed and I wouldn’t be surprised if this comes to the attention of the Court due to the settlement talks.

    • I mean, I wouldn’t do it. Because it’s probably the unlicensed practice of law. But is this really your problem?

      • It might be my problem. Colleague has asked my advice several times and although I’ve been carefully with phrasing and my written record, I’m terrified of being roped into a serious ethics issue

      • Previous response stuck in mod, but I’m asking because I’m afraid it could be my problem. Before I understood the gravity of the situation and fully knew what was happening, I helped my colleague. I’m literally losing sleep over it.

        • Anonymous :

          Under most states ethical rules, associates get a lot of cover when the partner directs them to do something. The fact that you didn’t know all of the circumstances weighs super in your favor. This is not something for you to lose sleep over. If this sort of thing is a regular practice though, you probably want to look for another job.

        • Anonymous :

          Does your state bar have an ethics hotline you can call to ask for help in figuring out the issue/what to do? That consultation may help calm your mind enough to sleep.

    • Anonymous :

      They should have gotten local counsel first and then pro haced the out of state guy as soon as the answer was on file. But especially early in the case with a cost sensitive client, people take shortcuts. I see the research and ghost writing as more problematic than the settlement talks though, depending on the type of case. Settlement tends to involve a business solution or monetary payment to resolve a dispute – a lot of times you don’t really need to engage the legal issues to make the lawsuit go away. Unless it’s a special type of case that requires court approval to settle, or it’s a murky legal issue, I don’t see a problem with helping a client find a business solution to a dispute.

      As an aside I’m not sure how this situation is materially different from practice in most big firms, which involved an out of state partner running the show and a very junior associate acting as local counsel who’s basically a glorified paralegal just getting stuff on file. Personally I think pro hac rules tend to unfairly disadvantage clients who can’t afford to pay multiple lawyers to handle relatively straightforward disputes.

    • Why wouldn’t this attorney find local counsel to associate with and file under local counsel’s name and/or get admitted pro hac vice? That seems like a much safer way to go about this business without risking unauthorized practice of the law issues.

      • No clue! I posted yesterday about this same boss who disregards ethics and retaliates when I bring them up

        • Anon Lawyer. :

          Okay – so, as I am sure you know, the law is a teeny, tiny, group of people who know all about each other. We immediately google opposing counsel or ask around about “what’s this person like to work with,” etc. I am positive that other people at other firms in your bar know about your unethical partner. And his reputation will likely get attributed to you. You know this, but you don’t want this unethical reputation.

          Do what you can to distance yourself, and start looking around for a new job. It can be really tough to shake a bad reputation.

  13. Anonymous :

    I love this outfit for the weekend.

  14. Anon sister :

    I recently found out my sister is pregnant. We don’t have a very close relationship nor do we live near each other. Apparently the rest of my family thinks I’m upset because she’s pregnant and I’m not (no evidence to back that up, DH and I are still undecided about whether we want kids) and I also get the sense that I’m “not excited enough” for her. Do I need to try harder to be excited for her?

    • You might congratulate her, and send a gift when she registers, but I wouldn’t force yourself to “be excited” if you’re not. It’ll just come off as inauthentic.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Babies are strange! I love my sister and even usually get along with her, but when she told me she was pregnant I don’t think I was *excited* for her? I saw that she was happy and excited, and that made me happy for her, but it was so foreign and strange for me that “excited” just wouldn’t be how I would describe it. If you’re kind and congratulatory (and as warm as is appropriate), you’re doing fine.

    • Anonymous :

      Well what you have done? If she told you and you just said “congrats” and moved on and never brought it up again then I agree that’s a somewhat unenthusiastic reaction. But I don’t think you need to be jumping up and down and squealing or anything.
      Gifts are an easy way to demonstrate enthusiasm so if it’s not a financial hardship, you might get her something small and sentimental now (like a beloved children’s book) and then a larger more practical gift off her registry before the baby comes and then maybe a gift for her (like food delivery or a nice robe) when you visit for the first time after baby. Being generous with the gifts is an easy way to demonstrate enthusiasm.

    • Anonymous :

      Idk have you done anything? Sent a card? A gift? Offered to host a baby shower? Flowers?

  15. Anonymous :

    A good friend is having a baby soon and I need to get her a gift. Her registry is small and mostly sold out. All that’s left are really cheap, unfun things (like n*pple cream) and big furniture items that cost way more than I want to spend. She has plenty of space in her home, but has emphasized that she doesn’t want physical gifts beyond what was on her tiny registry, which I think is code for “give me cash/gift cards” but I really don’t want to do that. I”m not a big fan of giving cash or cash equivalents to begin with and feel especially annoyed about it when the recipient is much better off than me, which this friend is. I want to celebrate her baby, but I don’t want to just transfer cash from me to her since she has way more of it. I’m looking to spend about $50. Is a gift basket of a graphic onesie (with a message the parents will get a kick out of), a few board books and a cute rattle an appropriate gift? All babies need books and clothes, right? And I have no reason to believe she’s received tons of those as gifts (there were no books or clothes on the registry).

    • blueberries :

      Did she say use the words “physical gifts”? I didn’t register because a) I feel awkward asking for presents and b) I lived in a small apartment, so didn’t have space for much. Your gift basket would have been lovely to me. But I do think the exact words “physical gifts” is code as you described.

      • Anonymous :

        She deliberately set up a very small registry and has told me she did that in the hope she won’t receive many physical gifts and people will just give her cash instead. She did the exact same thing at her wedding a couple years ago, and I complied and gave her cash because I knew it was what she really wanted. But I’m more annoyed at the notion of having to give cash here. I think partly because the gift is supposed to be at least partially for the *baby* so I want something the baby will use and enjoy (even if he wont’ remember it) & cash is entirely a gift to the parents. Also, my friend was 30 when she got married so I believe that she really didn’t need cookware and bedding at that stage of her life. What she really needed was money for a down payment and I was happy to help her with that goal. But now she has the house and the cash request seems slightly greedy, plus this is her first baby and I know she doesn’t have hand-me-downs so surely she needs *some* physical stuff whether she likes it or not.
        Mostly I’m kicking myself for not getting at the registry ASAP and buying one of the few items in my price range while they were still available. Ugh.

        • Anonymous :

          Just FYI some 30 year olds do still need nice cookware and bedding…

          • Oh, I know some do — I’m just saying that my friend told me she didn’t and “I want cash because I don’t need traditional wedding gifts” was easier for me to get on board with than “I want cash because I don’t need any traditional baby gifts” …because nobody has baby stuff on hand until they have a baby, but many people have plenty of pots and pans and towels etc by the time they get married.

    • Yes. Your gift sounds great – thoughtful, since it includes an inside joke/humor for the parents, clothes (practical!) and books – my baby’s current favorite teething toy. Don’t stress it, I think it’s perfect :)

      • Also, I wanted to mention a very thoughtful gift someone got us (we didn’t do a baby registry). She got us a $50 gift certificate to the jcpenney portrait studio. Not my first choice for getting newborn or major baby pictures done, but it was perfect for in between milestones (ex: our baby was 6 months at Valentine’s Day). We got some cute pictures and memories for free :)

    • Money is fungible, so fifty dollars that you give goes into an account that will pay for baby stuff, as well as all their stuff. Even if she has space, she may not want a home cluttered with baby stuff, that’s not your decision. It’s easier and what she wants, so just give her the cash so she can by diapers, baby wipes, and the tons of practical but ultimately disposable stuff that people need to buy for a baby. Also, I don’t think that the friend is more well off than you should change your gifting decisions, that is just a happenstance and should not be used to judge your friends baby gift preferences.

  16. Re: baby gift, if you go this route, definitely get the clothes in a bigger size (6+ mo). So many people give newborn or 3 mo, and if baby is at all on the big side then s/he will quickly outgrow them. It’s nice to have a stockpile of clothes to grow into.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      Yes! I like to give people a pack of diapers the next size up from a newborn – for that uh-oh, this doesn’t fit moment.

  17. Anonymous :

    Kat, what’s with the screwy post times this week?

  18. Best blog online fashion shopping for women

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