ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Print Fit & Flare Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This navy dress has a floral print that doesn’t come off as being too spring-y. Eliza J makes some really lovely fit-and-flare dresses, but sometimes they’re a bit too short for work. This one looks like it hits right at the knee and has bracelet-length sleeves, making it a great choice for the office. I like to wear these types of dresses with a slim-fitting blazer on top to balance out the proportions of the wider skirt. Print Fit & Flare Dress This dress is $118 and available in sizes 0–18 at Nordstrom. A couple of plus-size floral dresses that don't scream “spring” either are from Draper James. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

311 Comments

  1. If you could choose your own ideal hours for work what they would be? * Let’s assume you still have to work 8 hrs a day.

    What would your ideal office set up be?

    1. It really depends on your lifestyle and sleeping preferences. At this point in my life, I would choose 9 to 5:30 or, if I didn’t have to factor in half an hour for lunch, 9:30-5:30. I’m not a morning person, but still want to get done with work soon enough to do fun things after work.

    4. Conference calls from home early in the morning, take a break to get ready, show up in the office between 9-10, leave around 5. (6 or 7 if super busy)

      That’s my schedule. If I couldn’t do the east coast concalls from home and have it “count” toward my work hours, I’d be very unhappy.

      I also avoid a lot of peak traffic, at least on the way into work, by doing this.

      1. I am kind of like this. I usueally start my day working from home at 7:00, after takeing my shower, I start doing billing while watching the Today show, but then I leave for work by 9:15 when the show gets kind of airy, in order to make sure I am at my desk calling cleints and reviewing the law for court before 10 am. I then work straight through until 12:00 noon, when I take a 1 hour lunch, and think about my cases. At 1:00, I come back, get a coffee, and then get back to my breif writing. I work straight thru until 3:00, take 1/2 hour to go over my cases with the manageing partner, and then work for another hour until 4:30, when I walk home, sometimes taking calls on my iPhone. I am home by 6, after stopping to get some dinner, and then turn on the iMac while watching the news, but continue to think about my cases and plan strategy, often
        not finishing my work until 8, when I watch TV. So I can easily bill many hours this way. When I go to court, often 2-3x per week, I go directly from home b/c I do not want to have to carry things all the way in from home; instead I take the 6 line to Foley Square, or if I must bring my papers with me, I just UBER it from home down there. I can get out of court by 2:00 pm, and in those cases, I just go home and use the rest of the day to synopsize my day’s work for the manageing partner, billeing all of the clients for their or per sturpes share of the time I spent portal to portal. It is exhausting, but until I get married, I must continue in my legal role at the firm b/c no one else can do what I must do. YAY!!!!

    5. I work 8:30-4:30 and that’s perfect for me. I like leaving earlier in the evening so I have more time at home.

    6. I don’t think an 8-hour workday is my ideal at all. My brain is pretty much done after 6. I work 7:30-4:30, which I chose because it gives me more time with my kids in the evenings. So I guess that’s my ideal, but the downside is that I have a hard time getting as much sleep as I need. I never get 8 hours during the week.

      1. Six is my ideal. I can go hard for six hours but after that I’m coasting (I do not work in Law).

      2. I’m at a job that expects hard brain work for more than 6 hrs a day, and I’m not really productive at day. I’m wondering if it means I’m not cut out for the job, which would be sad because I really really like it and it’s a great opportunity.

    7. Mine are pretty ideal already. I work 8-4:30 and come into the office 3-4 days a week and work from home the other days.

    8. I like mine pretty well at the moment – 6:30 a.m. – 4:30 p.m. (I take a full hour for lunch every day). However, if I could shave an extra hour off the end and leave at 3:30 p.m., that would be fab. I am moving into a new position soon which will likely cause me to be here later (boooooo), so I will shift exercising to the morning and come in a bit later. I would so much rather work early – my brain is far more productive!

    9. I can get my work done in 4-6 hours most of the time and the remaining time, I usually do school work (master’s) or surf the internet. My ideal day would be 9-3.

    10. My ideal is what I have – 8:30-2:30 in the office, home with my kids in the afternoons (I’m 75% FTE). Before I went officially part time, I did this schedule a few days a week and did some work on those days after the kids were in bed. I had no free time, but I still think I preferred that to a 9-5 in the office.

      1. This is what I would do and flex the other 10 hours. So maybe I’d work late one or two nights, or maybe I’d do some on a lazy Saturday afternoon, or maybe I’d get in early each day on a given week. And I’d be doing my damnedest to get closer to 35 hours a week so I’m only flexing 5 hours.

    11. Current setup is 8-5 with an hour for lunch (although I work through that many days). My ideal would be 7-4, or even better, 7-5 four days a week with a three day weekend.

      1. 10-6 with an hour for lunch 3 days a week, 8-5 with an hour for lunch 2 days a week when I’m offsite. So 7 hour days 3 days, 8 hour days 2 days.

        I tend to work all day on my offsite days and less so on my regular days.

    13. 8-4:30! I’m 9-5 right now, but having that extra half hour at the end of my day would be huge. I swear, as soon as 5 o’clock hits in NYC, the subway knows it’s time to run delayed.

    14. Composting question! Does anyone living in the Arlington area compost? I live in an apartment building and wonder if there are places to drop off composting – have heard that some farmers markets in DC that take compost!

      1. On the Hill, but we ended up just hiring Compost Cab to come pick up our compost once a week. It turned out to be more than we could manage to bring it to Eastern Market or to the community compost place. I’ve heard that some Whole Foods collect compost.

      2. https://recycling.arlingtonva.us/residential/yard-waste/composting/Food Scraps Drop-Off at Earth Products Recycling Yard

        Food scraps are collected at 4300 29th St. S. in two green organics carts at the yard’s scale house, at the top of the hill. Food scraps can be dropped off Monday through Friday, 5 a.m. to 9 p.m. and Saturdays from 6:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. Available to all Arlington County residents.

        Not accepted: larger scale drop-offs from institutions and facilities.

        Deposited scraps are processed in an on-site, in-vessel composter, with the results made available to the Department of Parks & Recreation for landscaping projects in County public spaces.

    16. I currently have a lot of flexibility, and my in-office days are structured different than my in-home days. I have 2-3 in-office days, which are usually 7-3, followed by some time wrapping up loose ends in email etc. in the evening. Telework days are usually a constant stream of work from 8-4, with some time answering phone calls or quick emails in the evening.

    17. My brain shuts down midday and revs back up in the early evening, so I’d split the day and do 8-11 and 2-7 which allows for evening activities and middle of the day activities like exercising, meeting friends for a long lunch, doing errands that can take a long time. I think this would work well for employer too because I’d have to take less time off work for life things (like doctor appointment, taking dog to vet, CLE trainings, etc.)

      2. My brain is on a similar schedule. Staying in the office when I’m at my smartest doesn’t work for me because I’d miss seeing my kid, so I rush out at 5 PM now, but it’s disappointing because often my brain is doing awesome at 5, and on some level I wish I could stay and finish what I was doing.

        1. Yeah when my kids were little I wanted to leave a 4:30 or 5 to see them and have dinner/homework/bed routine done before 11. So with kids my ideal was 7:30-4:30. Now, with no kids and no family activities, 10-8 would be better as I’m a night owl. Or 8-10 at home and then in the office until 5. If I was self employed I’d do the 8-11 at home and 2-7 seeing people or meeting.

    18. Calls 7-10 from home and on my way into work. Facetime/meetings 10-3. Another hour of calls on the way home.

      3x WFH days for focused productivity.

      I’ve had this schedule, plus occasional 1-3 day business trips, and it works for me.

    19. My ideal workday is 6 hours. I think most people have about 6 hours of productive time. But since that isn’t your question, I’d say 8:30 – 4:30pm.

  2. I’m feeling this kind of print lately. I just ordered the Nanette dress in baroque print from mm lafleur. I wear dresses for travel/conferences/presentations and I’ve been noticing how often I get something on my solid color dresses, like a drop of salad dressing, that seems to ruin the entire look. I’m hoping a print will make it less obvious!

    1. +1

      I used to go for solids but after 3 kids I am loving prints, they hide a multitude of sins.

      1. I’m always so confused when people say this. I have two kids and am by no means messier myself than pre-kids…

        1. I think this is a difference in parenting style or morning schedule that results in this. Some parents let their kids kiss and hug them all the time and grab on them, whereas others enforce a strict don’t touch mommy when she says not to touch her rule.
          Or, parents get dressed first then get the kids ready which results in all kinds of mishaps that you don’t have time to correct. When I was little my Mom would make us wear big loose tshirts over our clothes while eating in the morning and I don’t remember her ever letting us have anything sticky or greasy in the mornings after we washed our hands. Food in the car was dry and/or non leaky food.

          1. Ouch, I don’t think it’s particularly nice to imply that she doesn’t let her kids be affectionate with her.

        2. I’m also not messier than pre-kid (kid is 3). I have breakfast with son in my pyjamas, have napkins close by for peanut-butter fingers, and then I get myself and kid dressed before we leave, so ideally any leftover grease is gone by the time we put on real clothes.

        3. Hugs goodbye at daycare or at home when I’m dressed and leaving but DH is dropping off – these often come with runny noses or sticky fingers. When there’s three kids vs. two, you can be holding a kid with each arm and still have one run up to hug your legs before they’ve washed up after breakfast.

          Also, before I’ve changed out of work clothes, I’ve lifted or hugged tired kids who are wet or dusty from playing outside at daycare. Plus I generally have way less time to pretreat stains or get things to the drycleaner immediatel vs. before kids.

          Someone with a nanny who dresses after the nanny arrives and undresses before the nanny leaves probably avoids these problems.

    2. I really like this print, but if the flowers were placed wrong on the chest, I would feel awkward. Looks good in the pic, but not every bolt of cloth is the same.

      1. I have this Nanette dress – its lovely! Plus it feels like I am wearing a muumuu but looks quite spiffy!

  3. Can anyone recommend a gyn in D.C.? Preferably in NW D.C. or Bethesda. I really like my current gyn practice but they started charging a yearly “administrative” fee and since I only go once a year, it’s essentially a large fee for my annual visit.

    1. Just started seeing Dr. Delaney at Friendship Heights ObGyn. She doesn’t deliver babies anymore but I really really liked her for gyn. I don’t think there’s an admin fee. Link to follow.

  4. Does anyone know if there is “best” time of year to go to a dermatologist for an annual skin check? Is it better to go in the summer when all of your freckles and other sun damage spots are their most prominent, in the winter when some of those spots have faded, or does it not matter?

    2. I don’t think it matters, derms should be able to spot anything of concern regardless of if you’re a little tan or not.

    3. You shouldn’t go if you’re about to go to the beach– if they remove something, you have to keep the area covered, and any scarring will be more pronounced if the area gets sun while it’s healing. But other than that, I don’t think it matters.

    4. (Oops posted in a reply thread)

      Composting question! Does anyone living in the Arlington area compost? I live in an apartment building and wonder if there are places to drop off composting – have heard that some farmers markets in DC that take compost!

  5. Has anyone seen the new school shooting ad from Sandy Hook Promise? It was described as “harrowing” in the news article I read about it and I completely agree after watching it. It’s a reminder that all of us should come together (across the aisle) to support sensible gun control as an absolute top priority in the next election and before.

    1. I watched it at work and had to close my door for 15 minutes to pull myself together. They are not pulling punches.

  6. Ladies, I’m thinking of buying a used Gucci bag on Poshmark. They appear to be canvas with some leather detail. Does anyone know if the stains can be removed? There are a few I’m interested in for about $500, but wondering if a little soap/water would get rid of some minor stains? Has anyone every done this before? I’ve never paid $500+ for a bag before – probably $250-300 for a Kate Spade or Coach, but always new. And before you tell me the bag is fake, Poshmark has an authentication process where the seller sends them the bag and they authentic before they send it to me. TIA!!

    1. My thinking is, as they are selling the bag, the owner most likely would like to get the most money possible. Best condition, i.e., no stains would ensure that. So, if I were the owner I would get the bag in its best shape before posting. This makes me think the stains would be difficult to remove, and are therefore not minor. I would wait for an item in better condition or save to buy something new.

    2. I would never pay $500 for a bag with visible stains (except maybe on the inner pocket where no one would ever see) or a bag made of canvas for $500. I think your problem doesn’t lie in cleaning but rather in picking better items.

    4. Highly recommend not doing this. I have recently become aware of a world called extreme designer dupes. Factories in China manufacture knock off designer goods that are extremely high quality and pass for authentic designer. They come with the correct box, papers, dustbag, the works. American consumers pay between $300-500, depending on the product. I can understand why someone would knowingly purchase one of these knock offs, but I am also aware that people resell these as authentic, and third party “authentication” such as PM are not equipped to spot the extreme dupes. So, I would say either buy a new designer bag or get a new extreme dupe for yourself.

  7. Hotel air conditioning – it’s either blasting arctic air or off and the room is stuffy. I can never get it right. What do you do?

    I’m a road warrior and I have never figured it out. It keeps me awake at night and uncomfortable lounging in the room.

    1. I usually just turn the AC off completely. I run cold and find that I’m usually fine without AC, unless I’m in Orlando in July or something like that.

      2. Yeah this. As a typical European, I hate AC and won’t turn it on unless it goes above 80 F. I also hate blowy heat, but 72 is my absolute indoor minimum. I find that heat from other rooms is enough to keep my room warm enough in winter even if my heat is off.

    2. Set the air to 70 and make sure the fan is running (either on medium or high) continuously. I, too, travel a lot for work, and after 20 years of doing so, I’ve found that the middle of the night cycling on and off of the AC is more disruptive to my sleep than being a little chilly. Making sure the fan is not on auto has been the game changer for me. Good luck!

    3. I embrace the arctic blast and just bring fuzzy socks and a long sleeved shirt or lightweight sweater to lounge/sleep in. I run warm though so ymmv.

    4. I do my best to book rooms in hotels I know have central air with in-room thermostats. Those hotels with those hulking “window units” are the WORST – I can’t sleep with the noise or cold/humidity.

    5. I basically bring winter lounge/sleepwear. Heavy hooded sweatshirt, fuzzy socks, thick sweatpants and that’s what I wear in the room or sleeping.

    6. Leave it on 68 at night but cover the vents with pillows to smother the sound of it turning on and off all night and the direct air blast.

    7. I either turn it off completely, set it to 73-74 F lowest fan, or do a cool blast before bed and turn it off to sleep.

      I prefer off if it’s a naturalytelser hot place, and on if it’s winter and cooler than 73 in the room without AC as heatsource.
      I bring woolen socks etc all year round, all climates. Hate places without proper duvets.

      1. On the topic of duvets (which I hate) I try to remember to ask for a down-free room (I say I have allergies) because unless I’m sleeping in a room that doesn’t get much warmer than 55 degrees F, I do not need down for sleeping. I hate duvets because they are too hot, but all you have if you take it off is a sheet (or maybe not even a sheet, which, ick ick ick), which is not weighty or warm enough.

        Duvets are the worst, especially down ones.

    8. Sometimes I stop up the sink and fill it up with water in order to add more humidity into the hotel room, or put a wet or damp towel on top of the AC/heat blower.

    9. I’ve watched YouTube videos on how to hack the AC devices in certain hotel chains to try to keep the a more consistent temp.

    10. I actually really like the room being cold at night, it feels good to bundle up under the covers.

    11. Thanks all for the replies and keep them coming! I’m definitely going to try the continuous fan thing. I don’t know why it never occurred to me.

      At night it’s the cycling on and off and being cold then hot then cold that keeps me awake.

  8. Any recommendations for really warm plus-size coats? It would need to go up to probably 2x or 3x. My lovely mom is moving up to Wisconsin to live near us, and her SEUS winter coat will not cut it. She’s retired, so it doesn’t have to be “professional,” but bonus points for cuteness! Probably up to $400 is ok.

    1. Universal Standard has a puffer coat that’s cool. Lands End and LL Bean tend to have good options. Eddie Bauer used to be great, but I’m not sure how their plus sizing goes. I’ve seen good options on Nordstrom lately too.

      1. +1 – Lands End will do it for Wisconsin and their plus size options are usually pretty good.

      2. Yep, my warmest coat is a LE puffer. It has a tapered-in waist and is really cute, despite it’s puffiness.

    4. I really struggled to find something in plus that was super warm without being frumpy. Highly recommend a puffer from the brand Via Spiga if you can find one.

    5. The coat you want is the Eddie Bauer Sun Valley down parka. It has an extremely windproof outer shell, and is great down, and is tight enough that the cold doesn’t jump in from under. It was my go-to coat on the most frigid Boston days (zero, negative F temps) and I cannot recommend it highly enough. OTOH, my Land’s End duffle coat did not have a very windproof exterior and so it was not as warm and it “hung wide” through the legs so the cold jumped under it. EB has sales of about 30% until the holidays, and then they get closer to 40% or 50%. You may not be able to wait until Thanksgiving in Wisconsin–depends on the year. GL!

  10. Two things- first, I want to credit this board for me not taking on the “office parent” role when it was my admin’s birthday several weeks ago and I was out on maternity leave. The other woman in our group who normally would have done this has moved to a different job, so it was just 4 guys who were not the ball. I separately took my admin out to lunch so she could play with the baby (this was after her birthday when it worked for both of our schedules), so I still got to treat her. But it took a lot of restraint to not send a text saying, “don’t forget Admin’s birthday!” leading up to it.

    Second, has anyone done a spa weekend with girlfriends someplace they like? Looking into this for next year maybe and crowdsourcing suggestions. It would probably be 6 people, and we’d want to cap prices around $400 a night so sharing rooms means around $200 a night. Also people are all over the country, so near a sizable airport would work well.

    2. Keep it to the Midwest, which is super cute for getaways. I’ve enjoyed weekends with friends in downtown Chicago, Galena IL (outside of Chicago), Indianapolis, Memphis, and Dallas. Those are pretty centrally located with a decent amount of flights in and out. Savannah was cute too, but it was way too hard for our CA friend to get there so she skipped.

      Next on our list is Door County WI, Deadwood SD, and Mackinaw Island in Michigan.

      1. Only Chicago, Indy, Memphis and Dallas have major airports. The rest are at least a couple hours from major airports. Mackinac specifically is almost impossible to reach by air. You have to fly to Detroit, drive five hours, and then take a ferry.

        2. Galena is cute but 2-3 hours from Chicago, so prepare for that if it interests you. Kohler Wisconsin would be a similar drive and has a really nice spa.

      2. The Indy airport is super easy to navigate and an uber into town is $20-30. As far as the spa scene here … I don’t know that it’s super great. There’s French Lick. but that’s 2 hours from the airport.

        Cincinnati is another city with a major airport ~20 min from downtown. Again, maybe not the best spa options, but there’s plenty to do there for a girls’ weekend.

    3. Phoenix has all sorts of spas and a great airport. Should be lovely now that the heat of summer has passed.

  11. Hi! Long time lurker here but now have a question. Looking for a pair of dress booties I can put orthotics in. Ideally under $600? I’m travelling to NYC in a couple weeks so anything available there is a bonus. Thanks!

    1. No advice, but I read that as “put artichokes in” and was both confused and entertained by the idea.

    2. Generally, orthotics can fit in most booties. I’d take them with you when you go shopping to get an idea of the fit/comfort.

    3. I put inserts in my Aquatalia booties three years ago, and they’re the most comfortable pair of shoes I own.

  12. its a gloomy day where i am, so for something fun – what is the most useful/interesting thing that you’ve learned from reading this site?

    1. The whole “dealbreakers, price of admission and things that are dealbreakers but you really hope will change” in a relationship concept. I am not doing the wording justice and can’t find the exact wording now, but I think this is true and I remind myself of it when my husband does something that isn’t 100% the way I would do it or approach it.

      1. I agree with part of that, but I’ve seen Senior Attorney essentially suggest that NOTHING can EVER change about your partner and that has not been my experience at all.

        1. I believe that things can/will change, and 75% of the time it is not a change for the better.

          OTOH, pessimists are rarely disappointed with how things work out.

        2. I think the point is that you can’t force someone to change and you shouldn’t go into a relationship wanting/hoping to change someone about a person. I don’t think she means that people can’t change, just that people have to want to change on their own. That’s how I interpret it anyway.

          1. This. Too many people continue in relationships hoping that their partner will eventually change in a certain way.

          2. Yes, that’s what I mean. Certainly people change but only on their own terms.

            Q: How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
            A: Only one, but the lightbulb has to really WANT to change.

        3. Yeah “people are not improvement projects” is a cute saying, but I think changing (behavior, not fundamental personality characteristics) and compromising is part of being in any relationship. Frankly, it would be a red flag if someone had no willingness to change certain habits that bothered me.

          1. “People are not improvement projects” applies to other people, while “willingness to change” is a quality that someone has internally. You can’t make someone want to change, but if they have a willingness to change, then you should be able to tell them what you need and work with them to figure something out.

          2. That’s where I’m coming from. If my partner refused to help me do something a certain improved way because “he does it differently,” that would be a sign I’m with a jerk who can’t compromise or see other points of view, not a sign that men can never change ever.

          3. I think there’s a lot of room for nuance with these ideas. I interpret “people are not improvement projects” to mean, don’t fall into the trap of maintaining a relationship that with issues where you’re thinking “the/the relationship would be so great/sustainable/healthy/perfect if only he (or she) would/was [X]” where X is something significant and difficult to change. ..especially where there’s no desire to change. The example in my life that sticks out is desperately wanting my brilliant (ex)boyfriend (early 20s) to live up to his academic potential, do better in school, transfer to a better school that was closer to me–set himself up for success, in my view. He simply was not trying to change in a way that I thought was valid (and his approach wasn’t producing results). That caused a lot of problems. (Not saying that my approach was right at all….He got it together and is now a robotics engineer.) As opposed to, “we need to work on our communication, when partner does Y I feel like I’m not being heard…” or “dishes get cleaned in a timely fashion.” <–that's basic growth and compromise.

    2. Someone on here said “don’t mistake nostalgia for regret” and that has helped me a lot in a variety of times in my life when it’s time to move on.

    4. That managing my finances is my responsibility. In my circle, it seems that everyone is relying on their parents’ advice for this. While my parents try very hard to stay informed, as immigrants they just have different problems, worldview, and risk tolerance. In fact, the whole concept of risk tolerance, with real-life examples, I learned on this board with great interest. It allowed me to understand other people better. And I also learned about the Boglehead guide here, thank you smart ladies.

    5. Lots of stuff over the years, but particularly recently I’ve been thinking about how someone said that you don’t have to do forever what you decided for yourself at 22. (Something like that — in fact, I think that person had read it somewhere else, too!) Considering leaving law and as a lifelong goody-two-shoes-perfect-student, it really kind of tackled the self-imposed thought of that I “have” to stay in law. Very much appreciate the advice I have received from everyone here over the years :)

    6. If you think your way is better than their way, the relationship might suffer. [I want Partner to be more like me]

      Fat people know they’re fat. [When a thin person wants to talk to their less-thin friends, “in case they don’t know they are gaining weight”]

      That it’s really hard to craft a post asking for advice without leaving any room for misinterpretation and sometimes people will jump down strangers’ throats for small things/misunderstandings. [How much detail do I type? Can I avoid getting my feelings hurt by a total stranger?]

      1. Thank you for the second one. I’m the friend who has gained weight. I’m not sure why my couple of friends who pointed it out to me thought it was something that I didn’t know. Or why they thought pointing it out was helpful to me in any way.

      2. Meh, I’ll push back on number one. When my way is taking the trash out every other day and my partner’s way is taking it out only when the kitchen smells horrendous and I’m practically vomiting up my breakfast, my way is objectively better. The trick is that I need to be open to times when my partner’s way is objectively better as well.

      3. “Fat people know they’re fat. [When a thin person wants to talk to their less-thin friends, “in case they don’t know they are gaining weight”]”

        May I expand that to “Do not talk to people about their bodies or talk about other people’s bodies”? Do not guess if it’s a food baby or a baby baby (if you’re wrong, you’re an a$$, and if you’re right, you made someone reaaally self-conscious). Do not make formerly fat people feel like they are now “worthy” because they are skinny. Do not try to guess why your co-worker is pale, sick, vomiting, or weak.

    7. Do the thing, instead of worrying about doing the thing. I think this is another Senior Attorney gem.

      1. Can I just 3rd this. I have been reading this site for a really long time and Senior Attorneys gems have really been so insightful in my life and randomly may have helped other people when I passed them on too.

      2. No, it’s not me. I got it here and it’s probably my best takeaway from you ladies!!

    8. apply for the job. don’t think about reasons not to apply, just apply and cross that bridge when you’ve been offered it.

    9. The only way out is through! Another Senior Attorney saying that I’ve found myself repeating to others.

  13. Any great or creative recent gifts anyone has given their boyfriend/husband (dad, brother?) lately (can be an actual item or an experience)? I know this will be personality dependent, but just looking for inspiration for an upcoming birthday. We’ve been together for a long, long time and I feel like I have already gifted a lot of the things or experiences. I probably want to spend up to…a few hundred? TIA!

    1. Giant prints of pics of the Hubble space telescope to hang on the walls. I gave him one first and he got me a matching one later. Now our dining room is space themed but in a grown up way.

    2. Upgraded hobby gear. For me it was upgrading some camping and hiking gear where he already had the basics but there were newer/lighter/better options available that he couldn’t justify buying himself since he already had something that worked.

    3. so im about to give this to my dad for a milestone bday based off a rec from a friend, but the nytimes birthday book – it basically includes the front page from your bday every year you were born. they have some other cool things in their store as well – making a cookbook based off of nytimes most popular recipes, baseball book, a puzzle of a front page (i’m going to remember this for my mil)

      1. thank you for this amazing suggestion! My WWII buff dad has a milestone birthday next year and so I am filing this idea away.

    5. A new BBQ, a cooking class at the local yuppie market, a driving experience at a local track, auto race tickets (Grand Prix, not NASCAR), a tour at a super high end winery with the promise of buying one total splurge bottle, a free pass for the Tasty Pig Parts booth at our farmers market, registration to a local fun ride.

    6. If he’s a car guy, most of the very fancy car labels (Maserati, Ferrari, etc.) have swag like watches and shirts. My hubby loves his Maserati watch.

    7. The best gift you can give does not cost anything. You can give of yourself to him, and be sincere about it. So many men are just craving attention from us, as women, so if we just recognize this and give him a special day (and nite), that goes alot farther then some trinket you pick up at an outdoor or hobby shop. If you want, you can also cook him a homecooked meal, such as Wedding Chicken. He will be eating out of your hand in no time! YAY!!

  14. Question for ladies who have gone off the pill: if you went on the pill to regulate your period/diminish the symptoms, did those symptoms return when you went off the pill? I initially went on the pill for basically every reason except preventing pregnancy: wildly unpredictable start dates (anywhere from 29-40 days – thankfully not shorter!), periods lasting 7-8 days with very heavy flow, terrible cramps, etc. The pill completely relieved those symptoms for the last decade and made my life so much better. But I’m thinking about going off of it and not planning to replace it with any other hormonal method (like an IUD), at least in the short to medium term. Am I dooming myself to misery again?

      2. +1 – I think part of it was aging and my hormones settling down a bit over time (I went on when I was 18).

        1. Your periods sound exactly like mine. Went on the pill at 18, came off twice to have kids, then right back on. Then off at 45. During both breaks, and after going off completely, everything returned as it was when I was a teenager. Finally ended up with a uterine ablation. Weirdly, both mom and sister (and now daughter) have had completely opposite cycles — clockwork arrival and departure, light periods, no cramps, etc.

          So yes, mine came back just as they were before.

    2. As a tween/teen, I had cramps so bad every month I’d be crying and have to stay home from school or go lay down in the nurse’s office with a heating pad. And super heavy flow. Went on the pill at 19 and lived nearly 20 glorious years with a super light period with just a few twinges for cramps. About six months after I went off the pill, the horrible symptoms came back with a vengeance. Sadly, grown-ups can’t go lay down in the nurse’s office. I keep a mini heating pad under my desk at the office and have mini bottles of tylenol stashed everywhere – car, desk, purse, etc. I have to stay on top of the cramps or I’m nearly disabled for 36 hours.

    3. I think I may be in the minority, but one of the reasons I went on the pill was to regulate my periods which were often very short (like 14 day cycles) in my early 20s. When I went off to get pregnant, I was super regular (29-30 days) and remained regular in the interim between 2 pregnancies. I think at least part of my super irregular periods though in my late teens and 20s was because I was not the healthiest weight or habit-wise.

    4. They came back worse than originally. I basically need an IV drip of Advil for 3-4 days straight or my cramps get so bad that I throw up, on the heaviest flow days I wear an overnight pad as my BACKUP product… horrendous. Stay on.

      1. Mine are not as bad, but definitely got worse after going off the pill. I have a copper IUD, so no help there!

    5. Sort of. I went on the pill to regulate terrible cramps I had when I was 19. The cramps often would start days before my period. An added bonus of the pill was that it would regulate acne– I had a lot of just general teenage acne. Switched to an IUD after about 8 years on the pill– I have no cramps before my period and slight cramps for a day at the beginning of the period, nothing Advil won’t solve. I have started having some cystic acne, which I think is linked directly to the IUD, not to not being on the pill. I think my cramps when I was younger were related to not eating healthily, etc.

    6. My symptoms weren’t terrible when I started, but when I went off after ~15 years they definitely returned quickly and with a vengeance. Plus, I also figured out that I suffer from PMDD, which I suppose I had been more or less masking since age 16. Great. Pill for me, please and thank you! You never know, though. Bodies change. You can always restart if you don’t like it.

    7. I’m so afraid of going off the pill for the same reason. Too bad there isn’t an equivalent you can take and still get pregnant.

    8. I went on for similar reasons, and my symptoms did come back, but my doctor was very firm that I needed to GTFO the hormones after over twenty years of them. My thyroid and kidneys are screwed up from it, so I encourage you to try to go off and see what happens. If you can live with the symptoms now, you’ll be doing your long-term health a favor.

      1. Oddly, my doc said the opposite; that having less periods (I used to take the pill continuously) was actually better for my body.

    9. I was on the pill for like 10 years on and off, but after being off it for a long time now (1.5 years), I’ve noticed that my periods are way shorter and less intense. Maybe to do with getting older? (Went on in college around 19, now early 30s.)

      1. Similar age and BC history – my experience has been similar. I still have cramps, but nowhere near the level of making me pass out the way they were in high school. Flow is much lighter too – it fills up my menstrual cup in about 10 hours on the heaviest day, which is a big improvement over having to change super plus tampons 8+ times a day.

    10. They did return, and after a year I was diagnosed with PCOS. Your symptoms could be caused by an underlying issue, in which case they will certainly return as the pill only served to mask them.

      1. This happened to one of my friends (not PCOS but another gyn issue) and I’m definitely concerned there was an underlying reason for all my symptoms in the past.

        1. I’m the Anon immediately below here who also referenced PCOS. Since you gave me the bait, I’ll now get up on my soap box:

          Trust.Your.Gut. If you think it’s suspicious at all, a simple blood test and meeting with your ob/gyn can do wonders in giving you answers. I had PCOS my whole life and did not know it because I was a teenager wining about irregular periods so I was given the pill. No one took the time to ask more questions (did I hold on to weight unlike others? yep. did I have lots of random hair? yep. is there baldness on my dad’s side of the family? yep. Did my cousin and sister all have PCOS diagnosis? yep. All were absolutely flagrant signs of PCOS. My later than necessary diagnosis stole 18-24 months of my life in fertility treatments. Ask questions now and figure out what’s really going on and causing the symptoms before you find yourself TTC and in a world of emotional hurt and stress.

          1. Also keep in mind that not having the “classic” signs of PCOS doesn’t mean you don’t have it. I am a 00 (naturally, not through diet or anything) and do not have skin or hair issues. I was diagnosed based on anovulation and an ultrasound which showed, in addition to a miscarriage, polycystic ovaries. Various hormone testing during my TTC process also showed abnormalities consistent with PCOS. It is frustrating that popular medical literature still considers it largely to be an overweight woman’s issue, when really 20% of PCOS patients are thin or normal weight.
            I will say that I was only diagnosed because of issues that arose during TTC, so I definitely agree that you may need to advocate for yourself. I may not have known about it otherwise.

    11. Yes, they came back exactly the same because the underlying cause of my irregularity was PCOS (something that went undiagnosed when I first went on the pill, which is a story and soapbox for another day).

    12. My cycles are pretty much just as regular but a lot lighter and less painful. I’m 35 and have had 1 kid. I think it was having the kid that changed things for me hormone-wise. We’re one and done and I’ve been off the pill since DH got the snip over a year ago. I was worried I was going to have really heavy bleeding but I don’t at all. I use lite tampons only, and just for a few days of my cycle.

      1. +1. I was on BC for 8 years or so and then went off, they never came back so we needed assistance to get pregnant, but then after kid #1 I was suddenly regular and have remained that way (now have 3 kids). Periods are also really light now, 2 days.

      2. I was never on hormonal BC, but my periods have also been amazing post-kid…very light, short and no cramps at all. I used to have extremely painful cramps. I really hope it continues this way until menopause.

    13. A decade is a long time and it’s possible that those issues have gotten less severe in that time anyway?

  15. What are you all wearing on your feet with skinny jeans this fall? I feel like sandals are past their season and soon I will want something more substantial on my feet.

    Flat-ish booties? Heeled booties? Something else?

    2. For now while it’s still warm and socks aren’t needed, I’m wearing the “Authentic Original” Sperrys. I think the brown color works well into fall and the style feels much more current (slash vintage) than the Angelfish, etc, that I’d been wearing for the last few years.

      When socks get here, I’m planning on flat-ish booties.

    4. Beige booties with a 2 inch heel. The same ones I wore last fall.. and the rest of the year, lol.

    5. Booties with a chunky-ish heel. Specifically the Blondo Elvina waterproof bootie in weatherproof black suede.

    6. Flats (unusual for me) or low heeled pointy toe booties (cutout booties that I bought in the NAS – Sole Society).

  16. Big kid: big problems

    Y’all: I survived having babies and being up with crying ones. Now we have one in the throes of puberty and we had our first teary meltdown last night (theme: I have no friends [this is perhaps not 100% accurate but where her head is now — her BFF transferred to another school so we rarely see her and her other friends already are at different schools or other homerooms; everyone else is either an acquaintance, “a person who already has enough friends,” or a known meanie). It is so, so heartbreaking. I am not a religious person but after she finally went to sleep I prayed that she would find peace in what can be rocky years, that she knows that she is a good person, and that she is loved.

    1. Oof. I clearly remember having this exact same breakdown (in the tub of all places) in about 8th grade. It’s just part of growing up, I think. While I remember it, I don’t think I’m scarred by it. I do remember my mom being there for me. I would say that the best thing you can do is to just to be there, acknowledge her concerns, and be a support, but don’t placate her.

      1. +1 I remember a time around freshman year when I had a falling out with my group of friends and didn’t really belong to a group and as a result had nothing to do on a Friday night. I was bummed about it and my mom offered to paint my nails. That was almost 20 years ago and I still remember it.

    2. Oh my gosh. Hugs. This was me at her age. I would have been angry if my mom had attributed my feelings to hormones – I HAD lost my social circle and WAS having a hard time making replacement friends. My mom often told me that her school years had been difficult as well (not all that comforting) and that she loved me (yeah, really not helpful at that age). What I would have wanted to hear would have been ways to rebuild my social circle – “want to invite Ashley and Sara Beth over to watch a movie and bake cookies [or paint nails or whatever]?” “Would you like to sign up for [new extracurricular, possibly outside of school]?”

      The need to belong is on Maslow’s hierarchy for a reason. Help her through this if you can.

      2. I think that for me, a switch flipped after fourth grade and suddenly I had ALL THE FEELINGS. Fourth grade, I was definitely a kid. Fifth grade, it was the storms of puberty beginning to hit. It was like a switch had flipped and I was almost a different person (braces, bad posture, oily skin, all of the awkwardness, none of the benefits). I got my period the week after school started.

        In all ways, puberty is a very exciting time. And probably very confusing to the kiddo undergoing it, especially if they have been mellow previously, doubly-so if they have other significant things going on (friends are significant per se at this age).

      3. “I would have been angry if my mom had attributed my feelings to hormones – I HAD lost my social circle and WAS having a hard time making replacement friends. ”

        It’s one thing to say that hormones are exacerbating the issue; it’s another entirely to say that the issue doesn’t exist.

        Ask this pregnant lady – who upended her life, whose family disowned her, who is trying to make friends in a cliquey new town – how she knows this. :)

        1. OP here: Three new things all together: bras, extreme emotionality (a good hour of crying), restart of school year. The BFF left midway through the year, so I thought that we were past this a bit, but that BFF has never really been replaced, either. Kiddo really wants to be friends, but is a bit awkward (we’d already doing some social skills group work recently) and her overtures aren’t always reciprocated. She is a sweetheart and very kind, kinder than the world sometimes is to her.

      4. I have been through this and out the other side (kids are late high school and college age now) and I will tell you that when they’re having a meltdown is not when to give them tips. They don’t want tips. They want sympathy and comfort and understanding, and maybe some ice cream.

    3. Aw. You can be her friend! I know it’s not the same thing, but I also really struggled socially in middle and high school and the best part of those years was that my mom was always down to hangout with me and would constantly tell me that middle and high school years are rough socially for many people and college would be much better (she was right!). I know some people here have advised tough love like telling your child they have to put themselves out there and try to make friends, but I’m really glad my mom just accepted my socially awkward self, reassured me she enjoyed hanging out with me, and told me this was just a phase I had to get through and life would be better soon.

    4. I remember having a hard time and my mom walking around a local park and telling me, ‘You haven’t peaked yet. But that’s the best thing. You might peak in high school, you might peak in college, but I think you’ll peak later. You know what that means? The best is yet to come.’

      1. Logically, that is so true for many people. But it’s hard for some kids to take the long-term view when they are suffering through middle school RIGHT NOW.

        Honestly, I think we wanted to get a dog at some point and I think that when your kids need a loving and totally accepting friend, it may be dog o’clock in our house very soon. [Our neighbor fosters shelter dogs, so we get to road-test easily, which may help us find a good companion animal.]

    5. Oh god, this hit me right in the heart even after 20 years. My BFF moved to a different country at the end of 8th grade and I’m
      not sure I’ve ever felt that kind of loss even as an adult. It was SO HARD- like the worst breakup. I assume her friend hasn’t moved towns, but the beginning of the next school year was the most difficult because my main support system during the day was gone. It’ll get easier – she’ll get into a routine, and her acquaintances will become friends, but for now just have a ton of empathy for her. Think of it less like hormones gone wild and more like a friend going through a divorce. She’s never had to rebuild a support system before and it’s hard no matter your age. Also, the best thing my parents did was allow me to continue keeping up with my BFF even if it was annoying to them. I can’t even imagine how much the 5000+ mile long distance call cost them, but they knew it was important to me. Drive her to meet her friend on the weekends, let her text her after bedtime, etc. Just have empathy, but know this will get better in a few weeks as she settles into the school year.

    6. I don’t know any working women with older kids, but I have a feeling that work understands “my baby caught a stomach bug and can’t go to daycare” but hasn’t ever heard a working mom say “I’ve been up all night with my teary tween and am taking the morning off so she can sleep in.”

      OTOH, a man I work with had a kid attempt to harm herself and everyone was very understanding about therapy appointments, flying to visit treatment facilities, and going to/from several times over a season to help her recovery.

      1. Kids get sick way less than babies, but most people who don’t have kids don’t realize that, so you can always use sickness as an excuse. You also don’t have to be specific – I regularly tell boss “I need to use a personal day” without going into details about why.

      2. My work team was incredibly generous and accommodating when our daughter’s eating disorder was diagnosed, and she ended up in residential treatment for three months. Honestly, it was a much more flexible and understanding work situation than when I returned from maternity leave 15 years ago. I think much depends on leadership and staff attitudes about the whole range of work-life balance needs and personal emergencies.

    7. What helped me a lot was having a social circle outside of school as well. I had a completely different set of friends from a volunteer organization that my Mom put me in that was kind of a “run by teens, done by teens” sort of thing. I saw them for events and meetings 2-3 times a month on weekends (and on rare occasion after school). These types of programs are great for not only building character but also making friends because when everyone is new to an organization , or when it is small, people are more receptive to friendships. A lot of these orgs start 8th grade or 9th grade so right in line with your daughter’s age.

      1. +1
        Someone made this point a while back and it occurred to me that even though my teen years were really rocky due to family drama, I had a few different and distinct groups of friends. School, church and sports. Sports in particular helped when school cliques were getting me down.

      2. Such a great point. I had a separate group of friends through my temple and they were all very supportive and validating. It made all the difference, when social groups in junior high were very mean to me.

    8. Do you want some advice? If no, feel free to stop reading.
      Get her involved in social activities outside of school. A new group. Community theater classes, sports, you said you’re not religious but a church youth group, volunteering, camp counselor, etc. etc. etc. A new group that does not know her from school and she can be a different person and develop a different personality or find different aspects (leadership! Speaking up! Planning! Dealing with grown-ups! Teaching little kids!) that are valued and can grow.

      Good luck.

      2. +1 to this, just make sure the group truly IS separate from school peers. Most of my after-school activities were local and full of classmates, and it just reinforced cliques.

        Girl Scouts, for example, was a complete nightmare of hateful snobbish Mean Girls. My parents wouldn’t let me quit because they insisted I was exaggerating and they just refused to believe that such a “wholesome” program could be that way.

        1. I have that concern re sleep-away camps. There are a couple that kids in our city frequent, often attending with their BFFs, sometimes for generations. I can see how that would be bad to go and feel like you’re still the odd man out. But if you go somewhere where there is no one familiar, that could be hard, too.

          I wish I were psychic.

          1. I went to a sleepaway camp where no one from my school went and having that safe space and the amazing friends I made there (still my BFFs today) were how I survived awful bullying in MS and HS. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

      3. I understand why people say — have activities/friends outside of school. It makes sense because then if you feel like school isn’t any kind of social outlet, at least you have your friends at church choir or soccer or wherever to look forward to 3x/week. And yeah after school activities offered through the school ARE cliques esp in middle school. I vividly remember at my school the popular kids joined things like student council, cross country and made a group decision to join — so then it was THEIR group and while it was school sponsored, so they couldn’t say no to other kids in the group, those other kids were just off to the sides — literally, like they’d only sit with THEIR friends and not even try to talk to the rest. BUT reality is ~30 hours/wk is spent in school, so honestly I think it’s important to have SOME friends/friendly acquaintances there even if your REAL friends are at community swimming. Esp in middle school you don’t want to be the kid stuck eating alone or left standing by herself when it’s time to partner up in gym to throw the ball back and forth or need partners in science class. You should at least be on friendly terms with school classmates, even if not friends.

    9. I am feeling you on this. We are relatively new to the school district and kids made great friends last year. But, in middle school, those friends are in the opposite “house” of the middle school, so they have no classes together, no lunch together, and barely ever see each other. Both my new middle schoolers have been struggling to make friends. I’ve been encouraging them to use each other as a support structure (not the same as friends, but why not use the benefit of having each other to lean on?) and encouraging lots of activities–I’m basically saying yes to anything they want to do. It’s really heartbreaking watching your kids go through this, even when you logically know they will come out the other side fine.

    10. I went through a similar stage with my daughter – right up to her best friend moving away in 9th grade. (What IS it with all these friends moving!) She was super bummed and I tried all the things suggested here, like trying to facilitate get-togethers, suggesting how to make/be a good friend, suggesting other organizations. None of them really worked all that well and my daughter still spends a lot of time alone. But two things helped me: (1) I read somewhere that your number one job is to create a safe, happy haven at home that she can come back to. I realized that I can’t fix her social problems – it’s going to be up to her to figure out how to navigate high school. But I can be supportive and loving at home for her. (2) Eventually, my daughter stopped talking about being lonely and really embraced individual pursuits (e.g. art, playing LPs). But I was stuck on worrying about her and trying to push her to have friends over. She would tell me that she has friends at school but really likes her alone-time (extreme extrovert). And I finally realized it was true. I still worry inside that she doesn’t have very close friends if she’s never getting together with them outside of school, but she says she’s fine and even happy with her situation, so I have realized I have to back off and not project my fears/worries onto her. Don’t know that your daughter is in the same place on (2), but hopefully that helps a bit.

    11. here is one thing not to do. i also didn’t have a lot of friends in MS or HS, but LOVED college and am still bffs with my college friends today, but my parents were super social people, always had plans with another couple on saturday nights and whenever they used to suggest that i reach out to so and so to make plans, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not being a social butterfly and it exacerbated my self confidence issues. while i would have preferred to have more friends, i wish someone had said to me it is ok to hang out at home on a saturday and watch tv. i’m actually quite introverted and really did enjoy being able to just chill at home, and while i did often chill at home, it was never as enjoyable as it could have been because i was made to feel like i should’ve been doing something else

      1. I am sorry you went through that.

        One thing that may be different now, perhaps in my city, is that kids can’t easily get from neighborhood to neighborhood, so if you are friends with people who aren’t right down the street, kids need adult help in getting together until they are 16 and can drive. My town was small and walkable and I was so much more independent and able to just walk around, go to a friend’s house, or chill, as was my non-pre-planned-out-in-advance-discussed-among-parents preference. I wish my kids had that. [I am honestly rethinking my Amish stance on kids and phones and it’s dawning on me that maybe when they get phones they will be able to virtually connect in ways that are meaningful to them (I used to be pro-wait-until-8th to avoid bullying, but maybe there is an upside I didn’t appreciate).]]

      2. This. It’s one thing if your kid is whining about having no plans, then it’s totally valid to point out that the best way to get plans is to ask someone to hang out. But don’t put pressure on your kids to be social just because you were/are.

    12. All the solidarity. You’ve described the scene in our house, too. My fifth grader saw her entire friend group (5 girls!) leave her school this year—thanks to the not-great middle school landscape in the DC public schools—and she is absolutely reeling. We’ve trying to help her rebuild and find friends in non-school groups, and it is just really hard. Mine has never had a bff, which i think is another sadness for her (especially compared to her sister, who has had a very close best friend for 10 years now.) There were always a lot of alliances and jockeying in my fifth grader’s friend group (honestly it wasn’t a group I ever loved), but now the girls who left the school are socializing together all the time and when they do hang out with my daughter, they only want to talk about the fun they’ve had without my daughter, so I am cutting that off. It just sucks for her right now.

      1. Come on. You had to have seen this coming. How many respectable families are going to stick around for public middle school in DC of all places?

        1. Excuse me. That snark is absolutely not necessary. “Respectable families,” really? It’s a LOTTERY system to get into a better charter school in DC. All five of these girls went on to different public charter schools. How foreseeable are the results of a lottery? Three of these kids switched out after the school year began because their lottery numbers popped up. Those families would certainly have “stuck around” for public middle school because guess what? Sometimes “respectable families” can’t afford private school tuition. Sheesh.

          1. I mean it’s your kid so whatever but yeah respectable. Respectable families aren’t sending their kids to inner city public schools. Sorry.

          2. Bless your heart, Anon at 3:31 pm, and congratulations on your nuanced understanding of respectability.

  17. In search of: the weather station mentioned around here several times that husbands love to get for their birthdays. Paging Senior Attorney and others.

    1. Costco – La Crosse 5-in-1 professional wireless weather station. I believe it can be bought online even if you’re not a member.

  18. I need to get 3 or 4 pairs of nylons (pantyhose) for a jury trial that’s starting next week… So I’m in a hurry. Does anyone have recommendations for sheer hose they like that are somewhat durable? I don’t want to spend Wolford money since I’m not careful and bust holes in all my nylons. Hoping for under twenty dollars per pair. Thanks!

    2. I like the Assets ones from Target. They are nicer than the old school ones that come in the egg and tend to last a bit, but aren’t super spendy if they don’t. They also don’t droop or rub.

    3. In a pinch, I’ve purchased whatever they sell at CVS, and honestly, they were better than I would have expected. Otherwise, head to TJ Maxx or a department store and just grab whatever looks good. No one’s really going to pay attention to your hose, so long as they aren’t Suntan.

    4. Donna Karan the N*des are good – at TJMaxx. The knock off Spanx type at Target. Alternately, I’ve been surprisingly successful with spraying hose with hairspray before putting them on and keeping a nail file at hand to make sure no errant pedicure edges snag them.

      2. And I recall putting a LOT of lotion on my feet, too, for nails and callouses and stuff to prevent snags.

      3. Wolford once told me to wear gloves while putting on my hose so I took that advice and applied it to my cheaper ones and it has helped.

    7. Hanes silk reflections. Especially the “Natural” color if you can find it. “Little Color” and “Travel Buff” are also OK. They really last well.

      1. Yep. These. And they sell them at a discount at One Hanes Place dot com.

    8. Silk Reflections multipack: https://www.amazon.com/Hanes-Womens-Reflections-Control-Pantyhose/dp/B077YYTPTS/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_193_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&refRID=EC32YZJR57JREB84MHQN

      Buy on Amazon or factory seconds (6-packs at the same price!) if you live near an outlet mall with a Hanes store. I have never found a “real” defect in the seconds–I think they just have minor problems in the panty area.

      I like soft taupe in winter and little color in summer (if I really must!!). I wear tights whenever I can or bare legs in the summer–but at times, must needs …

      1. Also, bring clear nail polish with you to court – it will stop a run (ex one starting at the toe) if you put a glob on the end of the run.

  19. This dress looks super cheap. I don’t know if it’s the fabric, print, dropped waist (or if that is just a poor model fit), or all three together.

    2. I was not taken with the quality of the Eliza dresses I tried on. DKNY, Calvin Klein and Inc from Macy’s all feel more substantial and have been my inexpensive dress sources.

  20. I went back and read my post from Monday about a lot of impending changes in my life. Oof. I have now discovered that my hormones were way out of whack, having just coffee for breakfast is a bad idea, and I really need to tell my husband when I’m sliding into the anxiety spiral.

    We did talk a lot on Monday night. It turns out that he’s nearly as anxious about this as I am. Not about the new job, because he absolutely believes that it the right thing, but about the whole uprooting our lives. He understands that I’m giving up a lot for this opportunity for him, especially since this is a move I wanted to make about 15 years ago and we didn’t. He understands that I need some kind of plan to help me keep the anxiety under control. We’re working on the plan, including the project around the house that we got started and never quite got finished. We had our lawn guy out to talk about what he sees as the most important items to deal with before we put the house on the market (a lot less than we were anticipating!).

    Having the reassurance that I’m not alone in feeling what I’m feeling makes me feel better. Thank you to everyone who chimed in with suggestions.

    2. My husband and I moved for his job a year ago this week. We’re super happy in the new location but it was really, really hard, so just chiming in to say that you should be gentle with yourself! I was so foggy for a few months and really just needed time to settle in to the new routine and new job.

  21. anyone have experience with SoFi automated investing? I had my loans refi through them and had no problems, but no experiences with their other services. They have my interest because they offer financial planning at no extra cost.

    1. No experience with SoFi but Vanguard offers automatic investing and their fees are among the lowest around.

  22. For the last couple weeks my manager has been having almost daily meetings with her boss that last for hours. I’m starting to get paranoid. She hasn’t said a word about them to me, so I would hope if there’s something wrong with my job performance they would come to me directly…right? I recognize that I’m a naturally anxious person by nature, but still. What the heck?

    1. I guarantee you they aren’t having hours long discussions about your performance. There may be a big business change so I’d keep my eye on that and would brush up the resume just in case of lay-offs. But I highly doubt anything they are discussing is you specific.

    2. There’s no reason to think this has anything to do with you, I wouldn’t worry about it.

    3. It’s not about you; something larger is going on in the company (which may affect you).

    4. Does your office have a year-end close on 9/30? They may be trying to figure out performance management, budgets and headcount for the next year. Or one of them may be leaving and they are planning for a transition. Never a bad idea to keep your resume updated but I wouldn’t assume the worst.

    5. I have an employee with performance issues and I do not talk to my manager about her for more than a half an hour at the most on our regular weekly one-on-ones. Don’t borrow trouble.

      It’s also FY end freak-out time at my company.

  23. What did you do for your 40th birthday? Mine is on a Wednesday and I’m taking the day off of work. I’m an introvert and somewhat minimalist, so a big party or expensive gift aren’t appealing. I’ll have dinner that night with my husband and kids, but can’t figure out what to do during the day. Last year I worked and the birthday was barely acknowledged, which was a bit sad. Any ideas would be appreciated!

    1. Not 40 yet, but if you’re not into buying yourself something fancy, I would do a spa day. Nails, massage, body treatment, facial, etc. Plus lunch out. Treat yo self.

    2. I got a frozen dessert I was craving. I put it in the refrigerator. I was so upset later that I ate it anyway because the anticipation had been building all day. I got violently ill. Also, I had a 3-month-old and one week left in maternity leave.

      Oy.

      50 will be better.

    3. Do you like to travel? I like to plan a big trip to celebrate a milestone birthdays. Hoping to do a safari in Africa for my 40th although it won’t be on my actual birthday due to childrens’ school schedule.
      I try to always take the day off work on my birthday. Lately my routine has been: walk my kids to school, go to a coffeeshop with a good book, go get a pedicure, then get a late lunch with a friend or my husband, get kids at school and do something fun (pool if it’s warm enough, or children’s museum).

        1. Which countries and game lodges did you visit? Did you put it together yourself or use a travel agent?

          1. travel agent. used Karrell Africa. my parents used them as well. We were open minded about which country, but just did not want to do the safari in South Africa because our research indicated the lodges were a bit larger/more commercialized. We did the safari portion of our trip at two different camps in Botswana, but also visited Cape Town and Victoria Falls. I think for safari purposes, different countries are better to visit at different times of year. We went to Chitabe Camp and Little Vumbura Camp, but this was almost 7 years ago at this point.

          2. We also did a safari honeymoon in Sabi Sounds (South Africa) and it was incredible! Londolozi was a cool old school style lodge, and Singita Sabi Sands was more modern and by far the most incredible place we have ever stayed. We booked throug Mahlatini travel and they were mostly great.

    4. My 40th was fairly terrible – I was in a new job I didn’t like where I sat alone in an office all day and adjusted minute details of documents (fortunately that was just temporary); my husband woke up sick that morning so there wasn’t a celebration that was going to happen at home. I kept thinking about my 30th birthday, when I had a joint celebration with several friends in Vegas and we had an epic time. What made it better was that I had a good friend who took me out to lunch and got me flowers and a present. I was so grateful for her kind gesture. I would definitely take the day off and do something nice for yourself.

    5. I had a party at my house for my 40th and a day and overnight in the wine country with two close girlfriends for my 50th. I also bought myself a pair of pavé diamond earrings for my 50th, so all in all that one was better. I’d say do it on your 40th and get an extra 10 years wear out of the earrings. :)

  24. Last night, I learned that my beloved Grandpa has, optimistically, 6 months to a year left to live. (After a long summer of stints the hospital, he’s finally gotten a diagnosis, and at 92, there’s just nothing they can do beyond comfort care for him.) Obviously, I’m heartbroken, even though it was pretty obvious that something along these lines was coming.

    I’ve let my boss, mentor attorney, and assistant know and everyone immediately said to let them know how they can help. I fully expect work will be fine with my taking the time I need to be with family. But, this is just day one of what could be a year of waiting for things to get worse, and I cannot concentrate AT ALL.

    Advice for navigating today? (I’d leave early if I weren’t covering a late client board meeting.) Advice for navigating the coming months?

    1. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Plan some trips home, send cards and flowers, go easy on yourself. Work shouldn’t really need to be involved- you’ll take some vacation to visit, you’ll take a few days for a funeral. It will be sad and awful but it will also be totally fine.

    2. I’m sorry. I have been there, recently, with my Grandma. We ended up having about 6 months with her. Some days were hard to get through, kind of like the day you’re describing, and some days were easier to get through. I just embraced the days where I felt good and really buckled down and got a lot of work done, and accepted that there would be days where I was not very productive and felt terrible. My boss was very supportive of me leaving pretty much any time I needed to and was very understanding. Be gentle with yourself. Big hugs.

    3. This just sucks. It sounds like your boss, mentor, and assistant are going to be supportive if today and the next few are horrible. FWIW, when I was in a similar situation with my dad, the whole situation became normal to me surprisingly quickly, and I got back to having my head in work sooner than I originally anticipated.

    4. Make sure someone is advocating for how he wants to spend his last 6 months. A good hospice provider should be able to help with this, but I find people that are of that age tend to defer to doctors a little too much. If you feel comfortable enough to do so, talk to him about what’s important to him and what his priorities are. Does he love food, and he wants to be able to eat without feeling sick above all else? Help him talk to his providers to stress that that is what impacts his quality of life the most and tailor his treatment so he can eat. Or does he take a walk every day and it’s important to him to do that? Talk to his providers to stress how important that is to him, and that being on medication that won’t increase dizziness etc. is a priority for him. Help him work out what brings his life quality and remind him he can work with his team to tailor his treatment to continue to receive those things. Hugs.

    5. As someone whose father was terminal for a couple of years before he passed, I’d advise focusing on his needs and those of his spouse if she is still around. Realizing that others are coping with something even heavier can give perspective. In terms of day to day, try to be a good listener. And follow the person’s lead with conversations. I know my dad enjoyed a lot of recounting best time/worst time sorts of things throughout his life–I think it helped get his mind out of the present while also mentally moving him to more acceptance with what was happening as their was some satisfaction with a life lived. I’d ask questions a lot, and it brought us closer. But other days he was just so down, and I’d try to give him space. I know this might seem cold, but leaving early doesn’t do anything to help at this moment and you may need that time later to provide relief to those doing direct care giving. My advice would be to plan some set times to see him (whether you actually can or not depending on how he’s feeling), so you can give yourself something to look forward to and not feel helpless about using the time left.

    6. i’m in the same boat, but it is my mom who is almost 30 years younger than your grandfather. for better or for worse i have been so busy taking care of my young kids (DH is on a business trip) and work that i haven’t had that much time to think about it, which i think is both good and bad bc i feel like i’m avoiding processing some difficult feelings

      1. That sounds so awful. Sending you strength.

        I think the hardest part of this for my Grandpa is the fact that, after 20+ years of being Grandma’s full-time caregiver (she had a series of strokes in the 1990s and never fully recovered), he’s worried about leaving her behind.

        1. My dear dear grandpa got similar news several years ago and it was very tough. I am thinking of you <3 I would spend some time connecting with your parents and aunts/uncles to work on a plan for your grandmother. It sounds like that would help reassure your grandpa. Def agree with above poster on helping grandpa articulate his goals to caregivers rather than going along to get along. Is there a family member who can regularly attend dr appts and serve as a patient advocate, if you will?

  25. Does anyone have book recommendations on teaching children about money? My 4 yo has suddenly become aware of the concept of money and I’m a little lost on how to handle the conversations without making it seem like the entire world’s activities consist of money exchanges (even if it’s true).

    2. No book recs, but my mom would always let me pick one thing at the grocery store. For example, I’d ask to get my favorite chocolate, but two aisles later, ask for my favorite yoghurt. I was told we can get only one of the two and had to pick. Knowing now what my parents made, this was clearly not about affording the food, but about budgeting and living below your means.
      4 years seems a smidge early, but if she’s so interested, you could start her on a weekly allowance. Doesn’t have to be more than whatever an ice cream costs per week. The frugal girl blog has a good post about teaching kids money skills.

    3. My mom would give us $5 so spend at the store if we were good. We absolutely could only spend $5. (She spotted us tax because that was just too confusing to explain to us.) If we didn’t spend $5 that week, we could save it and have $10 next week to use on a bigger toy. This later turned into an allowance once we were old enough to do chores.

      Recommendation– Put some limit on how long the kid can save though. I decided to “save” all of this money for years and years at some point (maybe age 8 to 18) and then asked my mom for $2000 for a trip to Europe. I did not get the money… and my brother had been buying things every week for years with his money and had no savings. So I’m not really sure that taught me the lesson my mom wanted it to.

    4. The Opposite of Spoiled by Ron Lieber. I liked that he presented several different viewpoints, but the emphasis is on money discussions as an extension of greater family values. It kind of changed how I view discussions with my kids about panhandlers.

      1. what does he say about panhandlers? they seem to be everywhere in my large SEUS city now

    5. My parents started allowance around 5, I think. We had to save up for things we wanted.

  26. FYI for whoever was looking for waterproof Allbirds, they just came out with them….

    1. I knew there was a reason I hadn’t bought a new pair of sneakers yet…and this was it. Thanks for the tip!

    1. We are building a house and I just went down the rabbit hole on this very topic. We decided against them because it doesn’t completely eliminate the need for cleaning your gutters – it just reduces the debris. The guards may mean you might be able to clean less often. However, they would still need some clean them/ remove debris. Based on the amount and type of trees in our neighborhood it wouldn’t be worth it. We would still need to pay someone to clean the gutters once a year. The price to clean them wouldn’t be less even if there is less debris – and it could actually be higher since most of the gutter guard systems would need to be removed before you could clean the gutters.

    2. The contractor who has done much excellent work on my house does not recommend them.

    3. The usefulness depends on what kinds of things get in your gutters. For big leaves (like oak and maple), they do a good job. If you have pine needles or pin oaks, those little things can get in many of the styles. That said, I have them and like them. There are a few places I still needs to clean, but it has reduced the effort for sure.

  28. Dear students, recent grads, and job seekers everywhere:

    When a professional takes time out of their day to meet you for coffee and sends an email-intro of you to their colleagues who might know of something that would be a good fit for you:

    1) SEND A THANK YOU EMAIL to the person who met you for coffee

    2) REPLY ALL to the intro-email with something along the lines of, “Thank you so much for the introduction, Person 1. Person 2, Person 1 tells me you’re in XYZ field. I’d love to meet for coffee if you have time.”

    Because if you don’t Person 1 will not be inclined to think kindly of you. And when days pass and Person 1 hasn’t heard anything from you, and emails her colleagues to follow up, wondering if the email-intro even went through, her colleague will say, oh yeah, we’ve been talking, but she didn’t acknowledge your email?! Aaaand you’ve now looked bad to the original person and that person’s connection, which is the opposite of what you’re trying to do.

    SEND THE THANK YOU EMAIL.

    /endrant

    2. SorryNotSorry, but this ettiquette is not taught to kids from all backgrounds. They might be very grateful you met them and perhaps said so when it happened, but don’t want to take up more of your time with an email.
      Thank-you-note culture might be completely the norm for you, well it isn’t for everyone. You are essentially getting really upset about cultural diversity here.

        1. I was so bad about thanking people for stuff like this when I was younger. It’s not that I was thinking “nah, I’m not gonna thank this person,” it just didn’t occur to me. This is certainly a good heads-up for younger folks, but the way this message is being delivered is so aggressive and judgmental. There’s a way to say “hey don’t forget to do this” without also saying “because if you don’t, people will hate you and think you’re a terrible person, and never help you again because you suck.”

      3. This. I would have sent the first email, not the second email you reference. I would have perceived it as bothering the person 1 to reply all when I had already taken up their time.

      4. + all of the internet points

        Getting this upset that somebody doesn’t follow your exact set of cultural norms is weird, and usually rooted in bias.

    3. I will put another here. When the person you met through your mom/aunt/godfather agrees to mentor you and asks you to connect with them on LinkedIn, make the LinkedIn and connect!

      I do not know what is so hard about this, but please stop texting me on my work phone.

    4. The second email is not necessary or expected – you made the email intro, why do you need to know the further conversations? It’s not a work project.
      And honestly neither is the first if you thank them profusely in person or on the phone. Two thank yous are not necessary except for uptights or olds.
      Honestly, I think your panties are in a bunch over something minor that this person may not even know to do. Don’t expect people to grovel at your feet for an email intro that they probably already thanked you in advance for, and don’t expect people to have the same culture niceties around thank yous.

    5. I agree with you OP. But maybe that’s because I grew up very poor and didn’t have any connections that I didn’t grow myself through the years. Parents didn’t do college and my colleges (undergrad and grad) weren’t fancy so no influential alumni network. When someone went out of their way to help me, I always felt like it should be acknowledged. And I’m always sort of surprised now when I’m on the other side and it isn’t. I also don’t think it’s a classist thing. In fact, in my experience those with the most resources financially and personally seem to put the least value on this sort of thing. It won’t induce vitriol when I notice it. But I still will notice. Folks can believe what they want, but for better or worse there are still some of us out there who will notice. A simple email with a sentence or two of thanks takes 2 seconds so no harm in doing it.

    6. Yeah, OP here. This particular job seeker is the child of literal millionaires who paid for her to go to out-of-state undergrad and private law school and who have been paying for her to live in a $2k swanky downtown apartment for the last 6 months while she figures out what she wants to do when she grows up. I get that not everyone is exposed to niceties, but that ain’t this girl’s problem. Like another poster, the middle class and international students I’ve met with have always been the most gracious; not so much with the rich kids who think they’re owed a job already.

      2. Yikes on bikes. So you’re mad because someone who comes from a wealthy background didn’t think to say thank you, and you’ve decided to write her off as an entitled snob based on a few data points. Lovely.

        I will remind you that kindness is a key component of etiquette, along with consideration and respect. I will agree that thanking you would have been the considerate and respectful thing to do, and you’re right to feel a little miffed that she hasn’t thanked you (yet), but deciding it must be because she a spoiled, entitled little brat is very unkind of you. Niceties are nice but you can’t put so much stock in them that you fall to pieces when one is dropped like this. Are you the same poster who got upset when her coworker didn’t wait for her in the airport at midnight?

  29. This may be too late and I’ll try again on the afternoon thread, but recs for a leave-in air-dry product for very fine, wavy hair to make the waves get a bit more defined? Just got my hair cut from almost shoulder to chin length and it is quite a bit wavier than I remember!

    2. Paul Mitchell Sugar Twist tousle cream – this gives relaxed definition. Or tigi curls rock amplifier – this actually makes my hair too curly for my taste, but very defined and zero frizz.

    3. Also, my hair is fine, slightly wavy and typically chin to shoulder length. I got a body wave perm to enhance the wave but I would use the paul mitchell cream before the perm.

    5. You could check out the Bumble and bumble line of “Don’t Blow It” products

    6. I also have fine waves, and I reapply conditioner after a very thorough rinsing. Use praying hands*, apply only up the ears, then squish-to-condish* in the shower. Hands off once you step out of the shower; fussing with it increases frizz. I use Jessicurl Aloeba Daily Conditioner.

      * All terms from the Curly Girl Method

  30. for anyone on this site who had been following the postings about the MacKenzie Childs wedding registry. well my MIL just threw a party while we were visiting so her friends could meet our 6 month old twins and someone brought them a MacKenzie Childs tea party set! we live flying distance away and i’m uncertain as to how the expected us to transport this home (note: there was no MacKenzie Childs on our wedding registry)

  31. Chicagoans, is there any trick for finding affordable hotels in the city? Or any recommendations for neighborhoods that will have cheaper hotels but still be accessible to the city without driving? I live a couple hours away but almost never visit because whenever I check hotel prices anything centrally-located is $250+/night before all the taxes and fees. We don’t pay that much when we visit Manhattan! I don’t want to stay in a hostel or a dump, but I’m fine with a place that’s clean, comfortable and basic.

    1. The most important thing is to book early, especially for summer and other holidays.

      The Mag Mile Red Roof Inn has been workable when I’ve had people visit.

      1. Try the Inn at Lincoln Park, too. Not as central as the Red Roof, but nicer, and still close to the El.

    2. This is a little off the beaten path and quirky but Ray’s B&B in Bucktown is good and more reasonable. You can take the blue line downtown or hang out in Wicker Park.

    3. Hotels are expensive here, at least outside of the arctic season. If you are fine with basic, there is a former Days Inn called Hotel Versey and Best Western on North Broadway that are both in Lakeview and probably doable — haven’t stayed at either but they have reasonable reviews and it will be way enough to get to a bunch of neighborhoods by bus, L, or Uber. But I don’t know of any good tricks — just a combination of Kayak and Google to find good rates, and visiting with midweek or in the off season.

    4. I get the best prices via Priceline, filter by neighborhood to River North. This will narrow it down to about 30 hotels. Can you book at least two weeks in advance? I usually find something in the $150-175 range. When I feel daring, I choose the Priceline Express deal for 4-star hotels in River North. It’s always far cheaper and the hotel is fine but you will get the smallest room.

    5. I usually hotwire and have been able to get down to the $150/night range. Congress Plaza is old and a bit worn, but right by the fountain, and if you’re lucky you’ll get a lake view room.

    6. My cousin owns Bucktown House, with several suites, in the Bucktown neighborhood. She’s fabulous and a look at Airbnb shows reasonable prices. (I stay at her place when I visit Chicago, so on the same property as the rental units.)

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