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Updated: Apr 16, 2021 264 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Printed Fit-and-Flare Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A few months ago, my friend introduced me to Ingrid Fetell Lee and her blog Aesthetics of Joy. Her goal is to give you tools to make your life more joyful, all backed by scientific research. Cultivating joy wasn’t something I had given a lot of thought to previously, but now I’m on the lookout! This rainbow-striped dress is definitely sparking joy in me in this dreary post-holiday stretch. I particularly like the elbow-length sleeves and fit-and-flare shape.

The dress is $29.97–$59.97 (final sale) at Eloquii and available in sizes 14–28. Printed Fit-and-Flare Dress

Two options in other size ranges are from ASOS (regular sizes) and NY Collection at Macy's (petite).

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.19.24

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
  • Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
  • Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
  • Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
  • Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
  • White House Black Market – 40% off select styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Looking to start investing but honestly don’t know where to start. How did you dip your toes into the non-retirement investing waters?

    I’m really just looking to diversify. I have a whole slew of retirement accounts (Roth IRA, 401k rollover from an old job , and a pension and a 457b from current job) and my savings is in Ally HYSA accounts.

    • anonforthis

      I was seeing adverts for a fund range that shared my goals (the Legal and General future world funds) so I opened an investment account with them and set up a small monthly payment to be invested in those funds. I’m not going anywhere near individual stocks and shares.

      In terms of diversifying, the key isn’t the wrapper (401k, IRA, etc) but rather what they’re invested in. Your retirement accounts should, if well managed, be pretty well diversified already – but there may be something you want more of (in my case, gender equality and environmental funds).

      (Anon as I’m in the industry)

    • Anon

      Open up a plain old taxable brokerage account with a reputable online broker (I like Fidelity – very user friendly and no fees/minimums for account maintenance), transfer some money and invest. It really, truly is that easy. I generally stick to index funds that have extremely low fees. Don’t try to pick stocks. It’s a fool’s errand. Even the people who do it for a living don’t tend to beat the market.

    • CPA Lady

      I’m doing the boglehead three fund portfolio for my non retirement investing– it’s a stock index fund, a bond index fund, and an international stock index fund. I am using vanguard but all the different brokerages have these funds. These funds are a broad range of investments. You can allocate stocks/bonds based on your age. I’m doing about 75-80% stock and 20-25% bond at this point and I’m in my mid 30s. There are lots of articles about this strategy if you look around online.

    • NY CPA

      My retirement funds are all in Vanguard target date retirement funds because I don’t plan to access the money for decades at this point.
      The vast majority of my NON-retirement funds are in low-fee ETFs, which are by nature diversified already, and probably the best thing to do whether you’re a beginner investor or not. You’re never statistically going to beat the market over time, so at this point, I would rather just follow the market and not lose money to investment managers who can’t beat the market anyways.
      I have a small proportion in funds that are more specific (e.g. emerging markets, small cap, oil&gas, REITs (real estate investment trusts), but that is a small portion of the money (maybe 10%?). No individual stocks. And I’m actually thinking of selling several of these because the ETFs do better than most of them.

    • anon

      As for getting started practically, YNAB has an investing course that you can sign up for. It goes over the basics via email in 2 weeks or so.

    • Anonymous

      We have the vast majority of our non retirement money invested in index funds that mirror the S&P. We’ve dabbled in more specific investments that are a lot more effort for about the same result. It was cool to hold apple stock through the ride 2008-2012 but less so to have bank stock ;). Dh and I are 35.

      • MD

        Keep it simple, as others have said. Index funds that mirror the S&P or total stock market, with 0% fees. Vanguard or Fidelity. VTI = Vanguard total index.

        For simplicity, I moved/rolled-over all of my retirement accounts/IRAs etc.. to Fidelity so it was easier to keep track of them, and then opened a brokerage account there. I also, over time, moved retirement money from some of the terrible/restricted funds that the companies I worked for chose to better index type funds with low fees.

        While most of my $ is in index funds, I have a small amount in individual stocks. I already had a large brokerage savings before doing this that was in conservative investments (mostly total stock market index and Berkshire Hathaway). The stocks I chose are more personal interests/companies I like, and I went in with the philosophy “if I loose it all…. I will be fine.” The stocks have done extremely well – mostly things like Tesla and Costco.

        My plan with all of my investments is to put money in regularly, and leave it for the long term. No playing the market.

        I would do a little bit of reading before starting, just so you understand what index funds are vs stock vs ETF, what the important fees are to avoid. Look for Boggleheads and Mr Money Mustache to start and learn the basic philosophy of rational investing.

        Good luck!

    • HW

      I just opened an Ellevest account and started transferring money to it. They ask you questions about income and goals and then handle the investing part for you. I don’t know if it’s the best option out there, but it’s super easy.

    • CHS

      If you do want to experiment with more active, hands-on investing (and I don’t disagree that it’s a fools errand, but I treat it kind of like any other expensive hobby), I enjoyed reading Invested by Danielle Town and A Random Walk Down Wall Street by Burton Malkiel.

  2. Anon

    I need a new work tote. I love the look of Clare V bags but don’t want to spend $500. The Cuyana tote is popular and I like it, but everyone has it! Is there another similar option I’m missing?

    My style is more creative casual than corporate, so something that works as well with jeans and a blazer as it does with a dress would be great.

    Budget is $200ish. I want a sleek look, no logos or excessive hardware. Needs to be able to hold a 13” laptop.

    Any ideas?

  3. Diana Barry

    WWYD: I ordered a bunch of dresses from Bl00mie’s for a black tie event. They came with a 15% off coupon. I liked one of the dresses and am keeping it. Would you reorder the same dress with the 15% off coupon and then return?

    Also, best source for soft tulle? I am going to make myself a wrap to go with the dress (it has black tulle in it). Joanne’s or somewhere else?

    • Ribena

      I would reorder with the discount. Totally!

      I’m not in the US but a knitting YouTuber I watch who is (Voolenvine) always uses fabrics . com so I’d suggest checking them out.

    • Angela

      Of course, if you can wait for it to ship and you’re returning the rest of them anyway — I see no downside.

    • Anonymous

      Yes but I wouldn’t send the dress back until I have the new one just in case it’s sold out.

    • The original Scarlett

      Personally I’d call and just ask for the discount to be applied to your order, especially in light of the reporting that’s come out on returns and how they get sent into landfill. I’m not on the extreme train with these things, but 15% doesn’t sound significant enough to me to add to the damage.

      • Anon.

        Agree. Just call the customer service and ask whether the discount can be applied. Works 80% of the time with different retailers for me.

        • Cat

          +1, call or live chat first, and only if they will not honor the discount, then re-order. 15% can easily be $50+ for a black tie dress — enough to justify the effort IMHO.

    • Rainbow Hair

      In the *~fabric world~* folks swoon for Fancy Pants’ tulle (fancy pants fabrics dot com) — they say it’s very soft. Just make sure you’re buying retail and not preorder!

  4. Anonome

    Are there any real estate search websites (like Trulia, Zillow) that let you search by radius from a specific address?

    All the ones I’ve found force you to select a town name and then spit out houses for sale only from that postal zone. I’m trying to search for houses within a set distance from my job, and being forced to find the name of every tiny village and borough within that area is a giant pain in the ass.

    • Anon

      On Redfin you can just do a “search in this window/view” and remove the town boundaries. It will show you every house within your criteria on the map, regardless of town lines. In your case find your job and zoom in/out to the approximate radius you’re thinking and then do a search that way.

    • Anne

      On zillow at least you can draw a radius. I did that to capture the neighborhoods I’m interested in and the distrance from the metro that I want.

    • Angela

      I think Redfin actually has a function where you can search by commute time…

    • Anon

      I believe they all have “remove boundary” checkbox that will then re-populate the housing stocks everytime you move or zoom the window view.

    • Parfait

      I have a saved Zillow search for Los Angeles County. No way I could keep querying all the different cities that make up our megalopolis. And yes, just click the “remove boundary” button and it will show you everything in your window.

  5. Ribena

    I hadn’t heard of Aesthetics of Joy before and I love it – thanks for sharing it!

  6. Hahaha

    I’m watching Season 3 of the Crown and nearly spewed beer laughing at the elisode where Princess Margaret picks up a guy who has nimble fingers for gardening. :)

      • Ellen

        January and OP, are you using “gardening” in the s-xueal sense? Wasn’t Princess Margaret just looking for someone to just do regular gardening? I do not think she meant it in the s-xueal sense at all, tho I do love the Crown, as does Myrna!

  7. Anon

    can anyone recommend a hotel in NYC that is part of the marriot bonvoy program? not times square area or midtown east. preferably the lower half of the city (but not as far down as tribeca/battery park). DH and I are going in the spring sans kids for a wedding. We lived in the city for many years, but have never stayed in a hotel there

    • FP

      Theres an Edition hotel by Bryant Park that I’ve stayed in and loved. Prices can vary wildly. There’s also a new Moxy in the East Village.

    • Anon

      There’s a W in Union Square that’s fine. I’ve also stayed at the courtyard in Soho, which was also fine. If you’re looking to use points, they’re not always available at any property so it’ll be limiting. Book it now.

  8. Housecounsel

    Random thoughts: Who watched This is Us last night? OMG!!!! (or should I say Randall Thoughts . . . ok, go ahead and ban me).

    Below, to avoid moderation, please find a link to the most amazing Coach pumps. They’re studded just enough to have an edge but still very professional. I paid full price for them in two colors but they are now on ridiculous sale – $57!!!!

    For the love of all that is holy, PLEASE stop and think before you CC everyone and their brother-in-law on emails, especially ones that say “Thanks.”

  9. Anon

    For those of you who get Botox or lip filler and are married, do you tell your spouse? I got lip filler yesterday for the first time, and I didn’t say anything to him. He hasn’t noticed, and I don’t plan on telling him. It’s not the money, I just don’t think it’s any of his business. Curious if I’m a weirdo on this one.

    • Anon

      I would, but my spouse and I have no secrets. Not closing the bathroom door and the like isn’t for every couple though so just do what you want.

      • Senior Attorney

        We close the bathroom door but I would definitely tell about Botox or similar.

    • anon

      I would tell my spouse. I’ve probably watched too many episdoes of House, but if I suddenly have some sort of weird reaction to a medication or treatment that renders me unconcious, I’d like someone else to have an idea of what is going on. I don’t tell him every time I pop an Advil, but would give a heads up about something new.

      • Anonymous

        This. I tell my husband when I take any kind of medicine or whatever as well. I say “just in case I fall over…I just took XYZ.” I’d want him to know if I woke up with some kind of swelling that it was botox, not a bee sting, when he called the ambulance.

        in your case I may not specifically say “I had botox today.” But i might say “just FYI i’m starting to get my lips filled in case anything ever looks wonky.”

    • Housecounsel

      I never tell him when I am getting filler but there is no hiding it. I bruise badly. He does not approve at all – mostly because he is cheap – but like all of us here we don’t generally don’t let our SOs dictate this type of choice. If I could hide it from him, I would. I don’t bruise from Botox. He is generally aware that I get it but I don’t tell him when I do.

      • editor

        Have you found anything to help with the bruising? My last one–I always go around Christmas–was very visible for two weeks; took three to disappear completely.

        I used to use arnica but not sure if it helped.

      • Anon

        If you are getting under eye filler, go to a plastic surgeon who uses the new method of a teeny (as in closes up almost immediately) incision near the cheekbone to insert a catheter to place the under eye filler – NO BRUISING this time. Absolutely amazing (to me)!

    • Anonymous

      I guess not, but I also don’t tell him re hair appointments, when I shave, when I get a waxing appointment, and other personal grooming and maintenance items and derm appointments and pedicures or dentist appointments. I only mention my OB one b/c they want no gardening to occur immediately prior. I don’t think he wants to see me pluck and tweeze for things I do in-house, so I am pretty private about this stuff (I want to magically be this way — any coma will be a rude awakening in the maintenance department) and he probably prefers not to know.

      • Anonymous

        +1000 %. I keep my grooming(incl Botox) to myself. I do not want him to think of me as an old bag who needs botox.

      • Anon

        To clarify, what I meant is I would feel weird keeping it from him, partly because I know he doesn’t want me to get cosmetic procedures so I would feel like I was lying by omission. Not saying the opposite choice is objectively weird.

        • Z

          Tough s*** if he doesn’t want you to get cosmetic procedures. Like Housecounsel said above, the general opinion on this thread is that we don’t let our SOs dictate this kind of choice.

          • Anon

            I did not say he dictates my choices. If I wanted Botox, I would get Botox, and he is well aware of that. However, I see a difference between not mentioning something he doesn’t care about (eg., a hair appointment) and mentioning something I know he does care about (eg., Botox). To me, the former is omitting a boring detail of my day, the second feels more like lying by omission. If I wanted to do something he didn’t want me to do, I would do it, but I believe I owe him honesty about what I’m doing.

            Also, Botox and fillers, and certainly plastic surgeries, have health risks. It’s fair for anyone – male or female – to be concerned about the health of their partner, especially if children are involved. I would not be wild about my husband undergoing unnecessary cosmetic procedures either – because I care about his health, not because of the money or any concern about what he looks like.

            But feel free to think he’s a total sh*t, I think he’s the world’s best husband and father and feel incredibly lucky every day that he’s my husband.

          • Anon

            Disagree, like Anon at 11:18 said, our spouses do have a right to know when we’re undergoing even minor medical procedures, not only for the risk to health (however slight for certain procedures), but for the risk of error/expensive corrections that can have an impact on family finances.

          • Anon

            I disagree with this but my longer responses are probably stuck for the rest of the day since no one keeps the comment approval queue moving along. tl;dr: you should tell your spouse because of health and financial risks in case of complications.

      • Anon

        +1. It seems like a weird thing to hide, and I feel like it would just come up as we are discussing our days.

    • Cat

      I’d tell. 1. if anything heaven forbid went ‘wrong’ I’d want him to know what I’d had done, 2. we have joint finances so it would be obvious if I spent a few hundred dollars at the dr’s office, 3. I would just feel weird keeping that a secret!

    • Never too many shoes...

      I would totally tell my husband, but we share everything. I don’t think that needs to apply to all couples though.

    • anon

      Eh, I don’t that it matters on this one. I do get botox to deal with the wrinkles issue, and I think he knows? I think I’ve mentioned it like once maybe. And it wasn’t a big thing either. He has very natural preferences in general (e.g., no make up, etc) but I don’t think he’d really care. I don’t think that not telling someone something is hiding it, unless you know it would otherwise be an issue. I don’t tell him a lot of things that just feel like weirdly personal, usually physical things, that he doesn’t really need to know and is unlikely to care anyway.

    • Anonome

      I do not, but he has less than zero interest in hearing about my extensive skincare routine. If he commented on redness or asked where I was, I would be matter-of-fact about it. He also actively avoids me when I’ve had a hair appointment, because he has the nose of a bloodhound and the scent of hair color makes his sinuses burn. (I use scent-free products at home.)

      • OP

        Yeah, that’s kind of why I didn’t tell him. He doesn’t really care, and it’s sort of something I consider private.

        It’s interesting that the comments skew towards – we keep NO secrets/tell each other everything. I understand and respect the approach, but that’s not me. I definitely feel I still have a right to privacy even in a marriage.

        • Anonymous

          I agree to having a zone of privacy even with my spouse. For me, one factor in whether I told him about cosmetic procedures would come down to the cost and how we had decided to budget. We each have a bit of fun money so if I were paying for it out of that, it would be none of his business, but otherwise I would tell him because we tell each other when we’re making major purchases.

        • Anon

          I don’t have a no secrets relationship but this is still something I’d tell my partner. Obviously to each her own on this one, but since you asked my two cents is that it would be weird to hide this.

    • Moonstone

      I’ve been getting Botox twice a year for about 3 years. I didn’t used to mention it to my partner except maybe to make a joke about how they would see less scowling for a while. Now I note it in our shared calendar as “[Moonstone] gets cow botulism injected into her forehead” at the appointment time.

    • Anon

      I would totally tell my husband. For one thing, he’ll see the charge anyway. For another, if anything went wrong like an allergic reaction or whatever, he’s my spouse and would be my representative at the hospital (unlikely, but still.) Last, I would want his opinion on whether it looked good.

      He also knows that I would in no way be asking his permission.

    • Anonymous

      I do, but I would prefer not to. I agree it’s not about the money. I just feel embarrassed and like I am asking permission (he tries to talk me out of it). I have on several occasions made up my mind to get lip filler and then been talked out of it, but its not really that I changed my mind. I have been putting off re-upping my botox for this reason.

    • Anon

      My husband knows generally that I pay lots of money to an expensive dermatologist to get botox/filler but I don’t go into the gory details, and I don’t necessarily mention it every time I go. We’re both very respectful of each other’s privacy, and I initially considered not telling him (and I don’t think he would have cared if I hadn’t told him). I’ve realized I like that he generally knows, but I save the details for girlfriends who actually care about this stuff.

    • Ellen

      I think men will be able to tell if you get botox or lip injections, particularly if you are imtimate with them shortly after as your lips will be more swollen and this may be noticeable when you kiss or otherwise hook up with him. If he sees or feels the difference, tell him that you ate alot of graphruits or juice and that causes swelling. Dad told me in Europe he was with a lot of women who had botox injections and he actually prefered that for some reason? Who knows. Men are weird.

  10. New Homeowner

    New homeowner question here. Our gas fireplace needs to be serviced. This may seem patently obvious, but who do I call? I know gas normally falls under the category of plumbers but I’m drawing a blank here.

    • Anon

      There are fireplace companies that will come out and do this. Search for reputable companies that install these and I bet the service, too. If not at least call them to ask for a referral (that’s how we found ours). Separately, we had to call a chimney sweep to inspect the flue. That’s an inspection that’s recommended every 5-7 years, if I recall correctly.

    • Anon

      Depends on where you live. Where I live currently, it’s a plumber. The last place I lived, the gas company did all gas appliance repairs. It was an area with no permits required for much of anything, so the gas company did it at very attractive rates so people would actually have qualified personnel making repairs rather than Uncle Bubba blowing his fool head off.

    • Anon

      Most chimney sweep type companies will be able to check the lines and service it. We had this done when we first moved in. When you call, just be sure to mention it’s gas.

    • Anon.

      I think any heating/cooling company (if you have a gas furnace) could probably point you in the right direction if they are not doing this themselves.

      Can you post on a neighborhood portal like Nextdoor to ask for recommendations?

    • Anon

      I’ve never heard that gas falls under the category of plumbers. I’ve always called a HVAC company for any furnace problems, but now I’m curious why plumbers would be trained in gas.

      • Anonymous

        I have a gas fireplace, and I too have been told to use a plumber. Obviously I use HVAC for my gas furnace. I have spent a lot time with my HVAC company, chatting about random stuff, and never once did i get the impression that they would help with my gas fireplace issues.

    • Formerly Lilly

      Are you on a municipal supply? If so you should be able to call the utility company and schedule a visit. In my experience, where they ended up just checking it out and doing little to no actual maintenance there wasn’t a charge.

  12. Anonymous

    I’m on the board of a large nonprofit that spans a couple of states; I’m barred in one of those states and I do some employment law but it’s not my main specialty. I serve on a committee that does things like review bylaws and policies. The CEO has asked me to revise one policy in particular, we’ll call it the sexual harassment policy for discussion purposes, to comply with current law. The policy is seriously lacking and hasn’t been updated for 10 years even though the law has changed in that time.

    I have to tell the CEO that she needs to have the nonprofit’s lawyer do this, but I’m anticipating pushback. The CEO and other board members seem to think a board member should share their professional expertise to help out, just like the real estate broker helps them to lease out extra warehouse space, and the insurance broker looks over their insurance policies. They don’t understand that law is different; they think I’m just not a team player. There’s another lawyer on the board and he and I are on the same page, but he isn’t on my committee and doesn’t seem to get the kind of pushback I do. Suggestions for a script to communicate nicely but firmly to the CEO and other board members that I can’t do this? Or do I just have to be ok with people being disappointed with me?

    • Anonymous

      I work for a nonprofit and think it is fine to say, “I don’t have the right kind of legal expertise (or credentials if that is more appropriate) to do a good job on this. I am happy to help you find the right attorney for this and tell you how much it should cost.” That way, you are contributing your expertise in a relevant way. You could also offer to cover the cost of hiring someone if you are willing. If you are meeting or exceeding their “give or get” requirement and it is a large nonprofit, you’re fine. Small nonprofits rely on board volunteers more; large organizations should be prepared to pay for professional services and rely on board members mostly for money, connections, and strategic guidance (in that order).

    • Anon

      IANAL (and really, my knowledge comes from this board and Legally Blonde, soooo), but couldn’t there be some professional repercussions for you doing something that happens in a state that you’re not barred in? I’d use that line of thought – it could affect you professional, which would in turn affect your ability to help the board do anything.

    • Coach Laura

      IANAL – but – Shouldn’t you also have malpractice insurance to cover this? Can you push back due to lack of insurance?

      • AFT

        I am a lawyer (not giving legal advice) but I agree. I’d say something like “I’m sorry, but my malpractice insurance through my firm wouldn’t cover me giving legal advice on this. I took a quick look over it and would definitely suggest that it should be reviewed by someone with this specialty – I can give you a few names of people who may be able to help.” They may think you’re not a team player, but lawyers are different here.

        • Anon

          Does you firm have any experience in this area and would the pro bono policy permit you to bring in a pro bono client when you are on their board? At my firm, the policy is that the firm can work on pro bono matters for a non-profit on whose board a partner sits, but that the partner can’t work on those matters. If you could bring them in as a pro bono client, I would look into that possibility and that would solve the malpractice insurance issue. Otherwise, I like AFT’s advice.

    • Anon

      I’m on a board and provide legal advice for issues that are totally in my wheelhouse. It’s a small nonprofit and there’s not the budget to retain counsel for advice on everything I advise on. I don’t like taking off my board hat and putting on my lawyer hat, but it’s better than the organization going without advice.

      That said, if I say that another lawyer needs to handle something, that’s what happens. You, along with the other board members, are the boss. It’s really not the CEO’s place to push back. I think the CEO should accept a no. For other board members, it might be worth explaining your specific concerns (privilege, practicing outside your jurisdiction, malpractice insurance issues, firm restrictions, problems inherent in wearing two hats), etc).

    • Annie

      Several years ago, one of the deputy attorney regulation counsel for Colorado stated at a CLE that I attended that providing legal services when you sit on a board would likely be in violation of the rules of professional responsibility because the roles of board member and attorney are divergent and strongly urged us to review the rules if we’d thought about doing this… So I’ve always just said no to the provision of legal services for an organization when I’m a board member. Not the most popular opinion, but not worth the headache and potential exposure in my book.

  13. Lo & Sons new bags

    Did any of you get the Lo&Sons OG 2 or Seveille Air over the holidays? If so, what do you think?

    Also, WWYD with an OG that is 7 years old and serviceable but clearly showing signs of age? Just donate to Goodwill or the like? It is a great bag, but not suitable for Important Meetings and I don’t see keeping it as I need a suitable replacement.

    • Anon

      Yes I just donate almost everything, even newer things that I could theoretically sell. I don’t need the few dollars I would get for trying to sell used items and it’s not worth the hassle to me.

  14. lsw

    I finally picked up a pair of navy tights and had them set out to wear today and then…I couldn’t figure out what shoes to wear with them. Ha! Nude/tan looks weird, I don’t have navy shoes, black looks like I got dressed in the dark…I have dark brown booties but I didn’t like that look either. How do you wear navy tights? Do I just need to pick up navy shoes?

    • Housecounsel

      I like navy with maroon/cordovan shoes or boots. I think your dark brown booties would be fine.

    • Please Distract Me from my Co-Workers Throat Clearing

      I feel your conundrum because I agree that nude/tan shoes is too light next to dark (navy) tights and black shoes defeats the whole purpose of wearing navy tights. So yeah, I wear shoes that are Navy, burgundy, or brown. See link for what I mean by brown (this color seems to be the new nude):

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/sam-edelman-felicia-flat/3194852/full?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FShoes%2FFlats&color=saddle%20leather

    • anne-on

      I like the 2 out of 3 rule with tights – they should either match your shoes or your bottom half – skirt or dress bottom (unless you are way more sartorially gifted than I am and are better at matching multiple colors). I generally wear navy tights with my navy dresses, grey tights with my grey boots, and black tights with either black shoes or with a black dress. Yes, style bloggers do contrasting pops of color all the time…I do not have the time and mental energy for that most days.

    • Vicky Austin

      I wear brown, grey, navy, and if the rest of my outfit is right for it, bright red.

    • Worry About Yourself

      I’d probably wear my burgundy booties with navy tights, but if I didn’t have those, I see no reason why brown wouldn’t work in a pinch. Grey can be nice too, if you were going to buy shoes.

    • Anon

      I think black would look better than any of these other options. It is very hard to pull off a look where your shoes read a lighter color than your tights, so that is probably why you’re struggling with tans and browns. Navy is usually quite dark. Go for the black.

      • Anon

        And PS on your other question, I love my navy shoes! But it took me a long time and lots of returns to find the right ones.

    • Milestone birthday

      I wear navy tights with a navy skirt or top, and then black boots, I also wear them with chocolate brown boots too. I figure if my skirt or top is navy, or even lighter blue it will match. Then again, I do wear black with navy and don’t mind, but ymmv. My favourite winter outfit is navy tights, navy sweater, and a bright skirt of any colour. I wear all these outfits will black or brown boots. The skirt pops, and the top and tights match. Repeat the same with a black top and black tights, burgundy top with burgundy tights. I sometimes mix it up with a matching tights, top and contrasting cardi. My dream however is to own navy suede tall boots, but until that materializes, I’m ok with black suede.

      • Jeffiner

        I wear navy tights all the time with black boots as well. My main wardrobe colors are navy, grey, and olive, the only black I own is one sweater, a pair of tights, and shoes. I rarely wear the black tights, but I don’t mind mixing the black sweater with navy bottoms. I actually like the black shoes with navy outfits, the dark color at the bottom feels like it grounds the outfit to me. I do have shoes in accent colors, but I’ve never found navy shoes I like.

  15. Megxit

    Ugh — the Megxit thing and being stuck at an airport for 5 hours yesterday sent me on a Daily Mail bender. I have never encountered the Meghan’s BFF stylist person even though articles say she is on US TV some. But for a Canadian, she seems to be a bit . . . overly made-up? I get that TV people wear a lot of makeup, but for a Canadian to be photographed walking around town in full-face obvious makeup seems not that Canadian to me? Like am from the Tammy Faye Bakker part of the SEUS and no one here, except Tammy, went to such lengths.

    Now that I’m out an airport finally, back to work!

    • Anonymous

      She’s a lot of look 24/7. Her husband is an entertainment reported on Cdn tv and looks perpetually spray tanned.

    • Anonymous

      Wow why do you care that Jessica Mulroney likes make up? I assure you, not all Canadians live in flannel and boots. This is just rude.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t understand the royal watcher obsession. They’re people like you and me who randomly were born into a family that was once important and now does nothing. However, she isn’t Canadian. She is American. And of course she’s going to wear makeup given that she is photographed everywhere she goes. If she doesn’t, she’ll be criticized for looking sick or tired.

      • Anon

        She’s talking about Jessica Mulroney, Meghan’s Canadian BFF. The wording of the post was confusing, and kind of weird that OP never used Meghan’s name.

        • LaurenB

          Agree, it was a really weird post not to mention the name of the person who was actually being discussed. (How on earth would I know the name of Meghan Markle’s personal stylist?)

    • Anonymous

      This is a really weird comment. What is “Canadian” lol. I’m Canadian and there isn’t just one type of person in this country…maybe visit a place before you post gross generalizations on the internet.

    • Anonymous

      This is a really weird comment. What is “Canadian” lol. I’m Canadian and there isn’t just one type of person in this country…maybe visit a place before you post gross generalizations on the internet.

      • Anonymous

        I mean most of us don’t have our hair and make-up person show up for our pap walk in yoga pants to ‘run errands’…

        • LaurenB

          If I were someone in the public eye who ran the risk of being photographed when I went to do my errands, of course, yes, I would be more put-together on an everyday basis. As it is, no paparazzi are gathered outside my door to photograph me when I run out for milk or to the drycleaners.

  16. Angela

    If you could ask the universe for one thing, small or large, today, what would it be?

      • NYC Girl

        Fingers crossed for you! Just went through 2 rounds of IVF which we paid for 100% out of pocket :( NYS just passed a law requiring 3 rounds to be covered by insurance offered by any employers with >100 employees. We need more policies like these :)

        • Anon

          We’re approved!!! For just one round and a second round may or may not get approved, but one round FTW.

          But, my RE’s office just told me that I have to prove that I’ve had the MMR vaccine or else we have to skip another cycle before starting. I’m 1000% certain I have but have moved a lot and legit have no freaking clue how to track this down. We’ve been in insurance waiting limbo for 4 months…. why is it the day I’m finding out I have insurance approval that I’m being told this. I was told this is a new requirement of this RE’s office (I have one daughter via IUI at this office and this was not looked in to last time, two years ago). I am going to raise HELL if they delay me further over this.

          Next question for the universe: can you just not make people go through this, especially if you in all of your infinite wisdom know we’re good people who will be so good to these desired children? Sigh.

          • embees

            If you’re looking for a suggestion instead of just commiseration (and commiseration is totally called-for)… ask your RE office if they’d accept titer results as proof of immunity (it’s actually “better” proof of immunity than just a record of receiving a vaccine). It’s a blood draw/lab report – sometimes you can get them done at Minute Clinic (for example), if time is of the essence and getting in to your doctor is a hassle.

          • Anonymous

            This is information you likely would have had to share with your college and/or grad school’s health offices. Give them a call. They often keep records for a long time. Good luck and congrats!

          • Anon

            I have a measles titer on file (that they ordered!) so I’m not sure why they’re not accepting it but good point. When I push back I will try to lever this as hard as I can.

          • NYC Girl

            Awesome news! Congrats and best of luck! Hope you get the MMR sorted out and can start ASAP.

    • Housecounsel

      To protect my daughter, who left yesterday for a semester abroad. She is in a relatively safe city and is excited and happy, but I am worried about the usual mom things.

    • Anon

      To keep my parents mentally and physically healthy until at least their mid-80s so they can see their granddaughter grow up. Despite getting married at 25, I waited until I was 34 to have a kid and in general have no regrets about doing waiting (we have a house and money and boring stable jobs! we did all the travel! we couldn’t live a party lifestyle even if we didn’t have a kid!) but my parents were nearly 70 when she was born and I didn’t anticipate how much I would love watching them be grandparents and how much I would wish she could have more time with them.

    • Anon

      For my husband and I to be successful in relocating to our desired state this year. We’re hustling, but it’s tough to be patient.

    • anomanomanom

      For an answer to the funding issues we are having at the (new this year) family business. I was up half the night last night trying to figure out how to move things around and make 2 plus 2 equal 10 to pay February’s rent and now I’m exhausted at the job that actually pays me. Long term this has all the markings of being a successful venture, but we were under capitalized to go into off season and I am getting the brunt end of it.

    • Anon

      For everyone to wake up to the climate crisis and start doing something about it immediately. I don’t like the idea of drowning or burning or starving, or of these things happening to countless other people (and animals).

      • Never too many shoes...

        A woman I know just died this week (at 47) from a cancer that was not detected until stage 4, so this rings very real and urgent for me right now.

      • Anon

        Is there anything in particular holding him up from going into therapy?

        I resisted it for a long, long time – not wanting to fully face how dysfunctional and violent it had been – and finally did because of my marriage. One of the challenging things for people who are not in that situation is that the arguments you make, the rationale that you use, etc., tends to not really resonate well with people who come from that background.

        • soanon

          He is concerned it will do more harm than good. He has talked to psychiatrists (who are pretty much there to monitor medication, as far as I can tell) and they haven’t always been very sensitive to him. In the meantime, I’m very frustrated and feel like I’m being punished for his mother’s multiple and serious shortcomings. What finally spurred you to go?

          • Go for it

            I went because I heard my mother’s tone come out if my mouth. It’s was frightening.

            My recommendation is for him to find a male therapist whom specializes in childhood trauma. Personally, and I’m fairly pushy, I ask if they; themselves, have that background as I’m firmly in the camp that a therapist can only take you where they have been.
            This is too big for you to take on.
            Best wishes to you both.

          • Anon

            Hi SoAnon, if you’re still reading: I went because it was affecting my marriage and my job, both of which I would like to keep. Also, getting pregnant – hit with prenatal depression and… I cannot express how much it means to me to not raise this child in the same dysfunctional environment I was raised in.

            I was also very worried about the quality of therapists; I had tried to see one a few years prior who was so condescending and dismissive of me that I knew that my mental health would be worse with her.

            I got my therapist on a recommendation of a nurse in my doctor’s office; I really like the nurse, as she’s smart, kind, and level headed, and the therapist she recommended is the same way.

            My husband has gone to appointments with me, and that has helped. If you come from a trauma background, you often have a “kick me” sign firmly planted to your rear end, and bullies seem to sniff you out. So having him there made me feel like if the therapy session went downhill because the therapist was terrible, someone was there to intervene and protect me.

    • Is it Friday yet?

      To have my mom back. If resurrection isn’t an option, to actually meet “my person”.

    • Never too many shoes...

      A cure for autism, or at the very least, an accurate prenatal test.

    • Anon

      For my addicted child to get sober. I have never been though anything as difficult as this in my entire life, and I’ve had my share of struggles . There are days I think it would just be easier if I got sick and died as opposed to living through another year of this hell. On a related note, I wish that the opioid manufacturers are doomed to live an eternity in a fiery burning hell.

      • Anonymous

        I had a outpatient surgery recently and got what seemed like a LOT of oxycontin-type pills for it that I now need to dispose of (I took 1, it didn’t work and I was too afraid to keep trying).

        • Anon

          Most police departments have periodic events where you can hand in unused meds. I do it even with benign things like antibiotics because I figure it might better for the environment. Definitely matters a lot more with opioids though.

          • Anon

            I think you could probably also just call them and ask if you can drop them off rather than wait for their next event.

        • Anonymous

          CVS takes them at a large number of locations. Or call your insurance company. When I was prescribed opioids, they sent me a package to deactivate and destroy any left overs.

      • Coach Laura

        We’ve had addiction issues in our family and I really feel for you. I wish good things for you and your child.

      • Another anonymous judge

        Sending you genuine internet love. So sorry you are dealing with this!

      • Anonymous

        Hugs. It is a disease and not at all anything you did or anything you can solve for your child.

      • Go for it

        Big hugs, it is hard to be witness to that struggle. Please take good care of yourself.

    • Senior Attorney

      Large: Cosign solving the climate crisis

      Small: Shed the ten-plus pounds that have crept up in the past few years

    • cbackson

      For my BFF’s pregnancy to stick. We’re both expecting, but she’s only 11 weeks and just had a serious m/c scare with a lot of bleeding. She’s pregnant via IVF and so just the journey to get to this point has been long and hard (and they only have one more embryo) and I just want everything to be okay for her.

    • anon

      Sigh, that I am pregnant and that this brst tenderness in the middle of the two-week wait is that and not signs that my peri0d is coming. :-/

      • Anon

        Fingers crossed for you! I’ve always had mild breast tenderness with my period, but when I was pregnant it was REALLY bad and was my first noticeable pregnancy symptom. It started about 7 or 8 days before my period was due.

    • notjustalawyer

      I have to say that I loved seeing this question and each of the responses to it. I think it’s worth noting that no one asked to win the lottery or otherwise never have to worry about money again. We all know that money doesn’t buy happiness, but it’s a good reminder that the things that matter most to us at our core have nothing to do with our financial wealth.

      As for me, I would ask the universe for my kids to grow up to be kind, empathetic, and independent thinkers. I worry a lot about their future given the state of the world these days.

    • Worry About Yourself

      That this cold flirting with me, the one that has me waking up feeling mildly gross with a sore throat but hasn’t fully “hit” yet, could either get it over with and hit peak infection now so I can rest up and recover by Saturday, OR hold off until Monday. This is my last weekend at my seasonal retail job before they go back to regular staff, and I’m working 8 hours at time and a half on Sunday. I’d hate to leave on a sour note because I called out, and I know I don’t “need” the extra cash, but I kinda want it anyway.

    • Anon

      To protect my unborn baby from my poor choices that have led to gestational diabetes and the wisdom to continue to do better from this point forward.

      • Coach Laura

        Be kind to yourself about the gestational diabetes. My one friend who had it was totally in shape and ate well and she still got it. I think a lot of it is out of your control, at least now. Forge ahead. Good luck.

        • Anon

          +1. I had GD and from a health/weight standpoint it seemed completely nonsensical. I’m told it can be genetic.
          It was hard regardless. Many pregnant emotional nights spent crying as I tried to control my diet to keep my sugars low and continuously felt like I was failing. Hugs.

        • Anon

          +2 don’t beat yourself up! The only person I know who had GD eats great and exercised all the time. I never exercised other than walking and ate so many donuts I’m surprised my baby didn’t come out with a hole in the middle. It’s just genetics and/or random luck.

      • Anon

        Thank you all so so much for the kind wishes. I generally eat healthy, but am obviously regretting the first tri bagels now that I’ve been diagnosed. Thankful that my blood sugar numbers have been great without dramatic changes to my diet and without needing medication. The mom guilt is real and has showed up early for me!

  17. Vicky Austin

    Mini rant: my workplace is having a soup cookoff. Grandboss spearheaded a team consisting of himself, my boss and a couple other people he manages. Except guess who gets to make the soup? My boss, the only woman.

    Gboss isn’t even going to be in town on the day of the cookoff – he just wants to appear involved in case a board member shows up.

    GRRRRRRRRR.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re on the team, aren’t there at least two women, one of whom is making soup?

      • Vicky Austin

        I’m not. Grandboss has assembled his direct reports, which doesn’t include me.

    • Anon

      Why don’t women play the – sorry I don’t cook, I guess I can have soup sent in from Whole Foods – card? I swear it’s the card I’ve played since day 1 of my career (because I legit don’t cook much so I guess it isn’t a card but let’s be real can cook for myself if I want to) and I’ve literally never been asked to cook, bake or clean up anything in any type of work place. But I work with women who are constantly talking about cooking and grocery shopping (professional women – all lawyers) and then they act so insulted when there’s an expectation that they’ll bring in food for x or at least help set up or clean up. Uh you kind of did it to yourself, no?

      • rosie

        I don’t see a huge difference between cooking and doing the emotional labor of ordering the soup — it’s not like a man isn’t similarly capable of deciding which option works for him and just doing it. And no, just because people (even if they are women) talk about cooking and grocery shopping in the workplace, it doesn’t mean that it is is automatically part of their job description. I don’t know if you’re saying that these women “act so insulted” when there is an expectation that they specifically will help — if that’s what you mean, I totally disagree. If it’s something all the lawyers are helping with, fine, but if it’s something that these women are seen as uniquely qualified to do, just no.

        • Anon

          Agree with Rosie. I don’t think the issue is whether or not the soup is homemade, it’s that the woman should not be responsible for arranging the existence of soup. Especially when the man who is ostensibly leading the team isn’t even going to be there.

      • Worry About Yourself

        Yeah, no. Talking about cooking and grocery shopping for yourself does not implicitly volunteer yourself for cooking or shopping for others, those are two very different things. If someone was bringing in food, or talking about how much they love to cook for others and bring their favorite dishes to potlucks, then I could see it being reasonable to ask them to make food for office gatherings, but simply knowing someone does it for themselves does not mean it’s cool to ask them to do it for the group at work.

        • Anon

          +1
          I am a mom and I love being a mom. That does not make me the mom of the office.
          I also cook, bake and clean. That doesn’t mean I will cook, bake or clean for the office.
          And I’m not going to refrain from mentioning these things in the appropriate context either.

          • Anonymous

            Ok then keep dealing with the requests to bring in food or clean up after so and so’s baby shower and keep grumbling how it’s unfair that no one expects guys at your level to do these things or come up with excuses for not doing them.

          • Anon at 11:28

            Actually, Anon at 11:30, this isn’t an issue at my workplace because I work with respectful grownups, who understand that my roles outside my job and my roles inside my job are not the same.

          • Anon

            I’m an expecting mother, and it drives me insane when people call me “Mom” at work. I am a mother to this child, not to you, and my work role does not involve gestating any co-workers, spoon-feeding them, or sending them to their rooms.

            The utter sexism is appalling. I’m with Anon at 11:28.

        • Anonymous

          I agree with you that it isn’t right but it is simply what happens. You act like you don’t live in the real world, you live in how the world should be. So knowing how it is, why not refrain from discussing what you made for dinner or how you like you lunch to be leftovers?

        • Anonymous

          Exactly. No one expects a guy who talks about doing woodworking to be asked to build furniture for the office. Women are allowed to talk about baking or cooking without being expected to do it for their colleagues.

      • Anon

        If a man was talking about home projects (switching out a toilet, changing out a light bulb, mowing the lawn), would it be natural for his employer to expect him to do those things at work? You know, just to be helpful and nice.

        Stop. Blaming. Women. For. The. Patriarchy.

        JfC

      • anon

        Are you confused? Are these women talking about how much they love cooking and grocery shopping and cleaning for their colleagues? Why on earth would you make the leap to “this person talks about doing this out-of-office activity that we all do, therefore, it is appropriate to ask her do it in a work context.” This is honestly one of the stupidest justifications I’ve heard lately re: workplace sexism.

        Sharpen your logical reasoning skills and dial down the sexism before you comment next time.

      • Ellen

        You can get soup from Whole Foods, and they will not even know if you transfer it in a Tupperware container. I am always asked if I am a good cook, and I tell them that practice makes perfect, and that I practice regularly. So when my Wedding Chicken got overdone, I had a big container of soup from Whole Foods that I was able to boil up for my date, and he ate, burped and left, and he was satisfied. I was not particularly interested in him after he tried to grab my tuchus, so he left without any dessert from me! No big loss! YAY!!!

    • Anon

      I get why it’s ragey, I really do. I hate when women are sidelined like that and I hate the default assumptions underlying our roles. However, the only thing we can control is our response. In this case, that should be (from boss), “I’m not going to be able to produce soup on that day. Tom, can you either bring soup or find someone else on your team to delegate the task to?” Revise for your workplace and repeat.

  18. anon

    Does anyone have a recommendation for steel-toe boots that are as stylish as possible? I’ll be needing them fairly regularly for work, and usually show up looking smart and put-together. I heard sketchers make some that are comfortable, but I’d sacrifice some comfort for shoes that look better. They’d be worn with skinny jeans and a smart pullover/jacket depending on weather. Thanks!

  19. NYC transport help

    I am taking a train into Penn station that gets in just before 11 and have a meeting at noon in an office on park ave right across from Grand Central.

    Realistically, how long will it take me to get to the office from Penn station–and what’s the most practical/fastest? I’m coming from Boston and my instinct is just to walk it and figure it’ll take no more than half an hour. Is a cab/uber significantly faster/more practical at that time? I generally find the process of hailing a cab then then sitting in traffic much slower than actually walking.

    • Cat

      Have done this exact walk many times for the same reason. It’s about 25 minutes, plus or minus a few depending on which side of Grand Central your building is. I like walking and also hate sitting in city traffic, so always walk unless it’s extremely hot – cold – gross out.

    • Clementine

      I generally walk when I go for meetings with a similar setup. I would take a cab/Uber if the weather was bad but walk otherwise.

    • Anon

      Yeah walk and cab will take the same amount of time because you are going a few blocks cross town and those streets leading away from Penn are always packed mid day. That being said I personally wouldn’t walk it because I don’t want to look sweaty and frizzy when I arrive at meetings. I’d rather sit in a climate controlled car for 30 min. YMMV.

    • Anonymous

      I would walk or take the subway up to 42nd street and then walk from there (or take the shuttle). But if you don’t have a metrocard already, walking is probably almost as fast. Should not take more than 30 minutes.

      • Anonymous

        I’d have to buy (or dig around my house to find, and then reload) a metrocard so I was thinking the subway would be out. Unless it’s pouring rain/snowing and there are no cabs to be found.

      • anne-on

        Buying a metrocard takes like 2 minutes? I’d take the shuttle hands down, that’s a decent walk in (I presume) your heels.

        • Anonymous

          Finding the subway in the hell that is Penn Station can take a solid 15 minutes, and sometimes there are lines at the machines. If you have comfy shoes and like to walk, I think that is just as easy. It is a solid mile though.

    • Junior Associate

      This was my commute a few years ago and I always took the red line 1/3 to 42nd Times Square and changed to the Shuttle train to Grand Central. Usually took about 20-25 minutes on the subway + 10 minutes for walking from Grand Central to the office, although mine was on 2nd ave.

    • editrix

      I do this commute daily, and if you know where on the train/subway platforms to stand and all modes of transportation are moving, it can take 10 minutes or less. Ask when you get off the train at Penn which stairs to use for the Seventh Avenue subway (be sure to climb one flight of stairs to subway level, not two flights to Penn’s main concourse), and take a 1, 2 or 3 uptown to 42nd Street and walk. Or at 42nd Street, follow the signs to change to the Queens-bound 7 and exit at Grand Central.
      You’re right that a walk will take no more than 30 minutes. On a nice day, it’s the way I’d choose.

  20. Relationship Halp

    Partly venting, but also asking for advice please: SO has been going through a rough phase for the last few years at work, including bullying, ostracization from bosses and peers, not getting any work, or being shut out of the work that he was assigned to do and later being thrown under the bus, and getting what he feels are very unfair annual reviews. His efforts to clarify things have backfired and put him in an even thornier situation than he was in, and I can tell it’s all-consuming for him.

    When he’s home, he’s staring off into space or muttering to himself, and my efforts to engage or distract him usually end with his making an effort to engage in conversation for a few seconds then reverting to long periods of silence where he is lost in thought, or with him venting for hours about what is happening at work. I want to be supportive, but I’m feeling increasingly frustrated and saddened by our interactions.

    I know it’s not my problem to fix, but I have generalized anxiety (and a tendency to be codependent as well as a high need to perform and please…) and it’s getting harder and harder for me to cope with my fear that he might leave me out of general dissatisfaction with his life, or get sick, or that I won’t be able to put uo with it.

    Do you have any advice for what I can do to support him through this time? I express my needs and wants, but I realize I can get quite anxious and I don’t want to pile my anxiety on him while he’s down. He has been incredibly supportive when I suffered with depression and anxiety all last year. I feel like I’m failing him somehow because I can’t get him to cheer up, even though I know in my head that ensuring his happiness is not my job.

    FWIW, I’ve suggested career coaching or therapy (since I couldn’t stand being the only person he could vent to for months on end), quitting his job (his salary is higher than mine but I can easily support both of us, although I suspect he is too proud and will go stir crazy if unemployed), and just getting away from his current team to wherever. He’s taken up my suggestion of career coaching and has been talking to a coach for a few months now. (I have a trusted therapist for my own anxiety, although I’m working through other deep seated issues of mine at the moment.) SO has been aggressively looking for a new position for the past year too. However, because of his niche practice a new opportunity is highly unlikely to be in our small city, but rather in other Big Cities at least a 3 hour flight away (cue my anxiety about the relationship).

    He is also the best guy I know, extremely honest, warm, and kind, and usually generally attentive to my needs when his job worries are not consuming him. He makes an effort to show enthusiasm for my suggestions for activities (and he is usually the go-to person for taking me around places or suggesting activities) but I can see he’s absolutely miserable and down all day every day, and it’s very rough for the both of us. He works out regularly and we travel on short getaways quite often, although I foresee that our next trip will not be free from the clutches of these work troubles.

    • Relationship Halp

      Sorry I’m writing a novel on this. I would appreciate advice on coping with the situation for myself as much as for helping him. My usualy response to my anxiety is to FIX FIX CONTROL CONTROL and my initial request for advice is probably stemmimg from this tendency.

      • Anon

        Think of small things you can do for him that would possibly be comforting, like making him a cup of tea or something, then if he doesn’t want to engage with you, go do some self-care. I like facial masks. Some people like baths.

      • Senior Attorney

        Individual therapy for yourself, stat! And also? Hugs to you from this internet stranger!

    • Anonymous

      You’re not doing him any favors by enabling the venting. I’ve been there and trust me it only makes me and everyone around me feel worse. Set a timer for 20 minutes and that’s all the time he has to complain, and no he doesn’t get to sit around stewing for the rest of the night. It’s not fair to you or the relationship to consume all your together time with his work problems. If he’s truly mentally stuck then he needs therapy.

      Also – you don’t owe him a year of misery because he supported you through a year of depression. Relationships aren’t a jail sentence. I’m not sure why you’re so afraid of losing this relationship because it doesn’t sound like he’s being a very good partner.

    • Vicky Austin

      My now-husband was vastly underemployed and miserable in a toxic environment for more than a year while we were dating, and hunting furiously for something better with no luck the entire time. It was awful. I share your need to please and be the magical cure all the time, so I understand and am sending you big hugs.

      It sounds to me like you’re already doing everything right. Sometimes the only way out is through. Cheer him on in his job search and his work with the coach and take good care of yourself. Keep sharing your feelings with him. You got this.

  21. Milestone birthday

    A very vibrant And joy sparking dress! I have a summer dress from a few years ago that is similar and while I enjoy wearing it, I admit that as much as I love colour, I do tone down the top with a blue or ivory open front thin cardi:)

    I’m 49 and in the fall, I will be turning 50! Not sure yet how to celebrate this milestone birthday — I figure I will go out for dinner or lunch with husband, and meet with family for a lunch as well — no kids of my own, but nieces and nephews. We may do a big overseas trip, though we have travelled quite a bit before, so just relaxing may be more of a treat. I’m excited, but I feel pressured at the same time. Any ideas for other types of low key celebrations?

    I had a brainwave on new year’s day that this milestone birthday year (and maybe I’ll do this again in the future -who knows) I want to try and have one small ( or big) thing to look forward to every day. I like the planning, anticipation, and sense of enjoyment this offers. Of course I have had various things to look forward to over the years, but I wanted to consciously plan and appreciate things day by day.
    So far, I have:
    -Made a favourite soup, baked a recipe I’ve enjoyed
    -Bought a dessert to share with my husband on the way home from work.
    -Had a bath when I’m a shower person 99% of the time.
    -Browsed through Anthropologie on the way home without purchasing anything
    -Gone a longer walk around the neighbourhood after work
    -Bought drugstore mascara to replace current one.
    -planned to meet my mom or dad for lunch even though they do not plan
    -Purchased new to me tea flavour
    -Tried a new, but simple eyeshadow look before going out on the weekend
    Typing this list makes me realize that while I did these things before, planning them in advance gives me more appreciation and anticipation. I’m wondering if I can use these everyday joy things as my milestone present:)

    • SFAttorney

      Sounds wonderful! I also enjoy the planning and anticipation and having little things to look forward to.

  22. Requests for my time

    I’m starting to see a number of in-bound requests via linkedin or people figuring out my not-hard-to-figure-out email address (standard FirstIniital.LastName across the company) for time to get coffee, a quick call, etc., to learn how I broke into my niche-y and weird but lucrative industry, get career advice and whatnot. I’ve been in the habit of accepting these meetings because I remember what it was like trying to get started in this weird niche-y industry that doesn’t have a directly correlated business major or concentration in undergrad. It also has VERY few women.

    I just got a lengthy email this morning from a local college kid at an elite university asking to meet. I just …. don’t want to respond. I don’t have time. I don’t know you. And I already have 2-3 of these on my calendar in the next seven days for friends of friends. Permission to ignore and selectively respond going forward? I remember being ignored so many times, so I’m not sure what my mental hurdle is to just do the same other than sheer guilt.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re doing more than one of these a month, you’re a saint. You literally just got the email today. Maybe don’t delete immediately and if you have a slow month in a month or two, reach out then. They’ll be happy if you reach out at all so don’t feel like you need to reply immediately. Of course immediate deletion is also 110% fine.

    • Cat

      the fact that these people are not even limiting themselves to a quick LinkedIn message and are directly emailing you is — wow. I’d ignore them but then I’m apparently unhinged lol

    • Anon

      I’m an actuary, which is a great field but can be hard to break into, and I get linked in requests from students all the time. Unless they’re associated with a friend (like the nephew of a colleague) or the university where I mentor students, I ignore.

      It’s not up to you or me to mentor the entire world.

    • Blueberries

      Fine to ignore, but you may want to consider a stock answer for kindly declining and wishing the person the best.

    • Anonymous

      How about a quick note back to assuage your guilt: “I’m completely swamped right now but best of luck in your career path. I will reach out if things slow down.” Or something like that, to acknowledge that you’ve been there and you know what they are doing—but you’re not available right now.

    • Anon

      I get these a lot, as I used to work in an admissions office of a highly selective graduate school. Lots of friends and kids of friends looking for advice. Feel free to offer a date several weeks away if that’s what works for you. “Thanks for the email! My schedule is fully booked for the rest of January but I am free to meet the week of February 10.” If they are serious about getting advice, they will respond. If they are flaky and doing this because mom and dad said to seek out a mentor, they will often just decide it’s not worth it to wait that long and fade away.

    • UHU

      Can you do a phone call–say 10-15 minutes instead? Tell them to send you any specific questions ahead of time. OR What I’d be inclined to do if you’re getting a lot and regularly maybe you can do a group meet up–once every two months? And then they’ll get to meet other people with similar goals and perhaps can help each other as well.

    • Worry About Yourself

      Maybe put together a template of what to send to people looking for these, that essentially says “my schedule is jam packed these days and I won’t be able to meet, but here’s the advice I give to most people, good luck!” and the advice bit can be fairly brief. Then if they push back for whatever reason, or follow up on a monthly basis, give yourself permission to ignore.

    • editrix

      A friend in a sought-after position gets a lot of requests for advice from people starting out in the field. She has a website with a page devoted to her standard advice. You could do the same thing in a standing email.

    • AFT

      Permission to ignore granted. I am not in as nichey of an area, but found myself overwhelmed with similar requests to meet when I worked at a national law firm. My solution was to tell the person that while I couldn’t meet in person due to schedule constraints, if they’d like to send me some of the questions that they had, I’d be happy to schedule some time to talk by phone. I never heard from many of them again, and then felt like I was rewarding those who were serious and put in some effort (even if it was just a return email with a few questions) with the phone call.

  23. Anon

    I don’t know if anyone remembers my Q about not getting the right amount of reimbursement from my Dependent Care FSA, but the update is that it was definitely a screw up on the part of either my employer or the vendor. My husband and I are still owed a bunch of 2019 money (had $2,500 each withheld in 2019 and received about $2,300 in reimbursements) but my employer and the vendor are blaming each other for losing the money and it seems like we’re never going to see the missing money. I’m furious, but this isn’t worth involving a lawyer over, right? I can’t imagine a lawyer could resolve it for less than $400. I am mad as h3ll that we just flushed $400 down the toilet though; it basically wiped out the tax savings of the FSA. Apparently it happened to a bunch of people at my employer (possibly everyone who has a dependent care FSA? They won’t give me a firm answer on that) and I can’t believe they can get away with this. Grrrrrr.

  24. Anon

    As someone who works with college students – please respond if you can, even if you say that you are too busy to chat as Anonymous 12:19 suggested or do what Anon 12:43 says and take it a step further, ask them to reach out to you again in March or whenever – the student who is really serious will follow up and the student who isn’t won’t. It is totally ok if you do not have time to chat now or ever

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