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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Ribbed Wool Turtleneck Top

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A woman wears a cream-colored top, beige pants, and sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I love a chunky knit in the winter, but this sleeveless top from TOTEME might be my new favorite way to incorporate a chunky knit into warmer-weather outfits.

Wear it with high-waisted trousers or a midi skirt to avoid midriff exposure in the office, unless you work at the kind of place where that’s cool, in which case, do your thing. (If there is even a tiny doubt in your mind if your office is that kind of place, my friendly big sister advice is to err on the side of caution.)

The top is $1,100 at Net-a-Porter and comes in sizes XS-L.

Sales of note for 1/16/25:

  • M.M.LaFleur – Tag sale for a limited time — jardigans and dresses $200, pants $150, tops $95, T-shirts $50
  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – 40-70% off everything
  • L.K. Bennett – Archive sale, almost everything 70% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Sephora – 50% off top skincare through 1/17
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer; 50% off winter sale; extra 15% off clearance
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 50% off + extra 20% off, sale on sale, plus free shipping on $150+

329 Comments

  1. We had visitors at the weekend from East Lothian who brought brownies made from Ghirardelli mix they got at the local Costco. I checked the website and confirms they sell in four packs.

    1. OOh, I really should get a Costco membership just for that!

      Scotland really is a village. A friend who works in Aberdeen messaged saying she was chatting with someone at the EL council “and she was telling me about the uniform exchange and the zero waste fest and I said, I know the person who works on both of those!”

      I’ve got a job interview in Stirling this week, but I’m not sure it’s an improvement on my current commute.

  2. Ladies – I’m looking for flowy linen pants that are reasonably flattering on a lumpy size 10. I’m striking out in my orders so far — any suggestions? Thanks!

      1. Second, I’ve been wearing ON linen pants for over a decade and they’re always great. Size 14/16 and I wear L.

      3. I am a size 14 and wearing ON linen pants right now! I love them and they’ve held up really well so far.

    2. I was on a similar hunt with a size 12 body, and after striking out at JCF and some Am@zon options and moderate success at Old Navy, I went to a local boutique and tried on ALL THE PANTS. I think the proportions can vary wildly even with the elastic waist (and I’m borderline petite at 5’5 so had some with inches of extra length) so had to do in person shopping to solve this one.

      1. No. Plenty of people ask here for information all the time why shouldn’t I? Don’t be rude.

        1. Lol, the comments are often used as an alternative to Google. See all the people asking for shopping recs, vacation recs, etc. OP isn’t really doing anything different here than many posters.

      2. Don’t be rude. I too have been trying to wrap my mind around all of this. It can be confusing for your average person. I may have masqueraded as a sub expert last week but I cannot pretend to be a Russian military expert too. :)

        2. Per WSJ and some other legit news sources, when Wagner personnel are returned in prisoner swaps for Ukrainian troops, they are treated as traitors and killed with a sledgehammer to the head. They film that. I am pretty sure that no one in the US operates like that.

          1. I mean, obviously the governments operate differently. I’m saying Blackwater is the analogous private military group.

      2. Also the Pinkertons. There are huge parallels between them (mine security in the late 19th/early 20th century) and Wagner.

    3. I was camping this weekend and missed the whole thing. What will happen to the Wagner forces that almost made it to Moscow? And the Wagner leader — are we sure he is still alive? I doubt he is comfortably retiring to a dacha in Belarus (and TBH I wouldn’t drink any tea offered). And has there been proof of life for Putin (I read that his plane, fleeing Moscow, turned off its transponder. That coup looked like it was happening until it didn’t.)? This is all some sort of fever dream (but it isn’t; I’m not sure that if Putin falls life gets better in Russia and Ukraine — things over there don’t start or end cleanly).

  4. How close are you to your parents? What do you think in your childhood that they did or didn’t do made you close or more distant? I am wondering bc my parents were far from perfect growing up and I was mainly raised by other family members but I am somewhat close (Call once a week, visit several times per year ). My husband never calls his mom even though she gave up everything for him in his childhood (eg she stayed home). Partially asking because as my kids grow up it got me thinking it would be so terrible they end up never calling etc

    1. I don’t expect my kid to be in frequent contact when she grows up. The GenZ “therapy for everyone/blame your parents for everything” trend makes me assume that she is destined to decide we are toxic narcissists who wrecked her life by not being incredibly wealthy, perfect, self-sacrificing robots 100% of the time.

      1. I completely agree that the narcissist term is thrown around WAY too much (and in general, too much is expected of today’s parents), but this seems like quite the doomsday prediction!

        1. +1 yes this seems very doom and gloom! I assume my kid will go through a phase of being mean to me in her teens and early 20s but eventually grow out of the hormones and become a close friend, mainly because that’s what happened with me and my parents.

      2. Wow.

        With that kind of attitude, I would not expect your child to call you very often once she leaves home- regardless of what you did or didn’t do for her in her childhood. You seem really negative and also somewhat bitter.

        You might want to do some examination of why you feel like blaming generational characteristics for whatever your child does or doesn’t think about you is the move here? As a GenXer with a GenZ kid, I don’t have expectations about him staying in super close touch once he leaves home – that’s up to him – but I definitely have a healthier perspective on this topic than you seem to have. You’re really going to struggle to work with or manage these younger people coming into the workforce if this is your attitude, just FYI. Hope you have solid plans for early retirement, so you don’t have to be subjected to young people who have their own ideas and believe in therapy – and vice versa.

        1. Not the commenter – this is harsh and you probably shouldn’t unload on a stranger that way.

          2. LMAO, as if what Anonymous at 9:22 did wasn’t “unloading.” You’re not the tone police here; check yourself.

        3. I agree with this. Your resentment is coming across loud and clear, and kids don’t typically want to have close relationships with parents who resent their existence.

      3. yikes I’m so sorry you resent your kid, who you presumably chose to have, so much. Might want to look into that.

          1. If you have a great relationship now, I think you’re borrowing trouble. Not all Gen Z kids hate their parents.

    2. I think it’s pretty typical that men don’t call home as much as women do. Way more ‘purpose driven’ contact than calling just to say hi and let the chat go wherever. So I don’t know that I’d extrapolate “gee you’d think my husband would be super close and wanting to talk, something must have gone wrong for that not to be the case” from your sample size.

      1. +1 men don’t call home nearly as much. My husband adores his mom but basically never calls her.

      2. By the same token I have known so many women who haaated that their boyfriends or husbands were close to their moms. I see it on here too. If he’s calling his mom a few times a week or even daily, please back off and let him do it!

        1. I think it’s weird for adults to be in super close contact with their parents, but especially weird for an adult man to call his mother multiple times a week. Leave your parents and cleave to your spouse and all that.

          1. That’s rude. I agree that a husband or wife should put their spouse’s needs above their parents, but brief phone calls a few times per week isn’t harming anyone and isn’t evidence of lack of “cleaving.”

      3. I was terrible at calling my mom until I had kids and now we are very close and FaceTime or see each other most days with the kids. My husband in contrast talked to his mom almost every day and his dad once every other week long before we had kids. Just a little counter-anecdotal-data!

    3. I’m very close to my parents. In my 20s, I had a real moment of enlightenment re my childhood. My parents both had abuse in their childhood, alcoholic parents, just a really tough go of things. They got married at 21, had me at 26, and were absolutely doing the best they could. They weren’t perfect and my childhood home had more yelling than I’d have now, but they modelled doing their best, my mom went back to college in her 30s and got her BA and always worked full time, my dad was super engaged, the fieldtrip dad, etc.

      I’m in my late 30s, and they’ve moved halfway across the world to be closer to me, we talk on the phone 1x a week, and text everyday, and we spend 6-7 weeks a year together (coming here to help with childcare, us going there for a holiday).

      My husband speaks to his dad 1x a month (he moved to Canada so we very rarely see him), his mum more regularly and we see her 4-5x a year. But there’s a lot of unstated tension/resentment in his family, so I feel like they have superficially better relationships (my mom and I will yell/cry/forgive), their relationships are less genuine.

    4. I see my parents a few times a month and we talk on the phone at least weekly. They live about an hour away, for reference. That said, my biggest complaint is that our conversations are awfully surface-level. I know they support me and they are not the types to meddle at all, but even as a kid, we never had the type of emotional closeness where I confided in them. Either because I knew they’d react badly, or just didn’t know how to support me in the way I wanted to be supported. And that has a lot to do with their own upbringing. And yet, I have always known that I am deeply loved by my parents and I enjoy being around them. Most of the time, haha. I respect them and overall think they did a great job raising us. They provided security, stability, and their values about how to be a good human. And I think those feelings of safety are why I gravitate to them now.

      As a parent, one of my fears is that my adult kids will never want to call, visit, etc. We don’t need to be enmeshed or anything, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to have a lifelong relationship with the humans you’re raising!

      1. Man, I relate very hard to your first paragraph! Emotionally confiding in my parents has always been hard for me, even though, like I said below, we had great childhoods and wonderful family time was a huge part of that.

        1. Funny, I read your comment below and related to all of it. Are you my sister? LOL.

    5. My mom and I are very close but that’s because I genuinely like my mom and she is my biggest supporter. If she weren’t my mom, I would probably still want to call her and talk to her because I feel great every time I do. I think that really matters beyond the “what they did for you” of it all. I have a friend who was largely raised by her grandparents until age 5 or 6 and now lives with her parents and they help raise her son and it works for them. On the other hand, I know people who generally love their parents but don’t really call that often because they just don’t have much in common, making it hard to speak often. And of course there are plenty of just judgmental or toxic parents who aren’t pleasant to talk to, and I am sure they don’t get as many calls as they would if they weren’t like that.

      1. I agree with this. I have the opposite relationship with my mom but know people who generally like theirs and I think that’s a big difference. I have 3 kids and While they are not yet adults, one of them feels like “my person” (and Vice versa). She gets my jokes, we have the same taste in movies/books/types of hobbies, she turns down friends to spend time with me (only rarely!).

        Another of my kids is clearly DH’s partner in crime. And our 3rd is everybody’s best friend and the kindest human I know.

      2. I have this mom. I think the fact that a number of my friends have independent ‘2nd Mom’ style relationships with her really shows that she is objectively good at that parenting role.

      3. I was that way with my mom, and I my young adult daughter is that way with me (I think, we text each other constantly.) I am really grateful and hope we maintain it forever.

    6. I am in no way close to my parents. Any call or visit is purely out of obligation. My childhood was dreadful. Alcoholic and abusive Father with an enabling Mother who is in denial. They now think we had the perfect family and I had a wonderful childhood. They are simply perplexed that I don’t want to see or speak to them unless I have to do so. It is fascinating how far detached they are from reality. I am perpetually tempted to just mail them highlighted and tabbed copies of CPS and ER records.

    7. I’m thinking about this a lot right now as we prepare to move from 2+ days’ drive away to 4-5 hours. (Thrilled about this overall – baby changed so much and everyone is excited for us to be closer, as are we.)

      DH has always made a habit of calling everyone in his smallish extended family about once a week and calls his parents at least every other day. I have always texted my mom slightly less than daily, and now my sisters on roughly the same schedule, but I have gone for months without calling anyone before. Again, baby changed this – we video call my parents about once a week now, but DH facetimes his parents/sister as a group at least once a day and usually more on weekends. (Sometimes he’ll be in charge of baby and I’ll be in the other room and hear facetime go off, and just think “CAN YOU NOT BE A DAD BY YOURSELF FOR TWO MINUTES” but that’s a different conversation.) But we’re more careful about my family because my mom will trap you on the phone for hours if you’re not careful, whereas none of DH’s family calls last more than 15 minutes, ever.

      There’s not a lot I actively think my parents got wrong, but one of the things is that they had and have little to zero life outside of their children and jobs (and my dad is retired now, so his job is…?). We had great childhoods and our family time was a source of great joy to all of us, but we didn’t see them take time for themselves, pursue hobbies, see friends, any of that. (My dad is the epitome of that joke that buying gear for a hobby and doing the hobby are in fact two separate hobbies.) And I suspect that would improve a lot of things, especially now that they’re on the verge of empty nesting. If my mom had friends, she probably wouldn’t trap her adult daughters on the phone for 3+ hours, and we’d call her more often. If my dad got out of the house more, he’d probably have more to talk about than the political rabbit holes he falls down every day (and I don’t even disagree with him on politics most of the time! I just get sick of ending up at the exact same gripes no matter what we talk about!). And even though my husband is constantly calling his parents, he regularly catches them out doing stuff, working out with friends, going over to the neighbors’ for dinner, what have you; or they don’t pick up because they’re doing these things. No matter when we call my parents, they’re usually doing the same thing: sitting at home.

      1. Let your husband talk to his family. Stay out of it. You would want the same from your kids when they’re grown.

        1. I do?? Where did I say I have any issue with it? I get irritated when he does it every time he’s in charge of the baby, because I just want him to be present with our actual child sometimes. Which I would want my kids to prioritize for their kids, well ahead of calling me.

          1. Just chiming in to say I understand what you’re saying and we have a similar dynamic in my household. I’m glad my husband is close with his parents and that he’s fostering a relationship between our kids and their grandparents, but he and they also have a big lack of boundaries, and his parents don’t need to be intimately involved in every aspect of our parenting and lives.

          2. I think parents engagement changed with kids based on how old the kid is. Your husband might do this now because there isn’t one can do that is active with a baby where as when the kid is a toddler or older, doing activities is easier. I totally understand your frustration but pushing him won’t really help, I think he’ll figure out his own personal interaction chemistry with the kid and it will evolve. He seems like a great partner and clearly values family.

          3. Your child is only a few months old, right? Babies that age don’t really need to be actively played with – holding them while you do other things is fine. I think I read 150 books my daughter’s first year of life because it was so easy to read and hold an infant at the time same. Calling a family member seems like a fine alternative to reading. If he were doing this with a 3 year old, I’d agree with you, but yeesh. Cut him some slack.

          5. @ anon at 12:19 – you must have been in mod before, but thank you!! I really appreciate this. 99% of the time I have no complaints, but I still think it’s important for us to have time to just be as a family of three.

    8. My parents were super emotionally immature and abusive, although my dad realy did give up everything for me, he just didn’t know how to do better. I would say I am not actually close with either of them but my dad and I are working on it/we talk every day, but I speak wiht my mom a few times a year.

    9. I think this varies so much. I have a nice relationship with my dad, and really don’t like spending any time with my mother. That said, it’s really always been like this. My mom is the sort of person that shoe-horns herself into your life and gets huffy when you don’t thank her for her martyrdom.

      My dad is hands off, does his own thing, but has always treated me like a rational, reasonable person even as a kid.

      When we had kids I vowed to model how my dad treated me and so far it has worked. My 10 year old, in between bouts of moodyness and tween angst, has recently (separately) told me I’m not only her favorite person but also that she likes spending time with me. I can’t ask for a higher compliment.

      DH and his parents have a weird southern passive aggressive male only child relationship. He rarely calls them, they rarely call us, but occasionally send buckets of gifts and money. I don’t understand any of it.

      1. Remember these days as your daughter enters her teen years. Keep your cool and she will come back to you around college age – been there!

    10. I’ve noticed that your kids see how you interact with your family, and will use this as as a model in the future. If you only see your family once a year at Christmas time, they will grow up thinking this is normal and how it will work with them.

        1. Definitely. My mother called her parents a few times a year and we visited for a week every year. I call her every other month and we visit once a year. My husband is horrified but this seems perfectly reasonable to me. We like my mother and enjoy spending time with her, but it just seems weird to me to be on the phone or texting every day. I don’t text my friends every day either.

          1. “We like my mother and enjoy spending time with her, but it just seems weird to me to be on the phone or texting every day. I don’t text my friends every day either.”

            I have to say, the amount that some people here seem to text their parents and their friends seems like a lot, to me. I will text with my parents maybe once a week and friends a couple times a week; I text with my brother a couple times a week and we basically otherwise never interact, lol. I’m fine with that amount of interaction and would honestly get exhausted if I were texting with multiple people multiple times a day. I don’t even text my husband unless something huge happens or I need him to pick something up on the way home. I communicate with people at work all day, every day and a ton of extra communication on top of that would stress me out.

          2. More than you do isn’t wrong, just like less than you do isn’t wrong.

            My mom died in 2017. We texted most days. I would love to be blowing up her phone right now.

          3. Different than you does not equal weird. I used to talk to my mom several times a week. My son is in college in the same town and texts me a few times a week and comes over a few times a month. Some of us enjoy the company of our family members.

      2. Yea and no. People who don’t value family relationships (when it comes to their parents) often aren’t willing to put in the time with their kids. People who lack the emotional maturity to deal with relationships that change over time often, well, lack the emotional maturity to deal with relationships that change over time.

      3. Anecdotally disagree with this. My parents were both not close to their siblings and hardly saw them, and although we visited my maternal grandparents every summer, they weren’t a big part of my life growing up. My parents chose to move near us and spend a ton of time with our young kid, who is growing up extremely close to her grandparents. Every relationship is different, and I don’t think how your parents interacted with their parents necessarily sets the tone for how you’ll interact with your parents. In my dad’s case my grandparents were abusive so I don’t fault him for not wanting a relationship at all, but even in less extreme circumstances I think each relationship is different.

      4. +1

        We grew up seeing my grandparents several times a week. I’m single / no children yet but when I do have kids, I plan on moving to my parents town so they can have the same relationship.

        Currently late 20s and live about 30 mins away (I live downtown, they live in the suburbs). We text with updates or about logistics as often as needed, call just to chat 1-2x a week and get together in person 2-4x a month. I also chat / visit with my favorite aunt and uncle approximately that often too.

      5. I guess we are out of luck since both sets of parents are dead. Two of them lived until my daughter was 2-3.
        To answer the original question I had good relationships with my parents but went through a little distant phase in my early 20s which I now regret. I had a good childhood mostly, but my mom did occasionally yell and my dad was impatient. Having a child now makes me see they did the best they could.

      6. YMMV on this. My mom’s parents saw their parents never (grandma) or once a year for a week (grandpa). My mom expects me to have my family of origin at the center of my life.

    11. I think you’re incorrect in thinking that how often you see or talk to your parents has anything to do with how you feel about them and much more to do with personality, family habits, generation, and chance (where you end up living and other things about your life). For example, I grew up in a family where both my parents left home for college and then lived always lived far away from their parents, so it seemed normal for parents to rarely see or talk to their adult children (this was back when long distance calls were expensive and we only had the money to fly every few years). When I went to college before cell phones were common, I went months between phone calls. I got a cell phone after graduation and started calling a bit more frequently, but it’s still less than weekly (for a couple hours, when we do talk), and we only occasionally text (my parents don’t regularly have their phones on them). We see each other less than once a year because we live far away, plus I’m married and my husband’s parents are divorced and they’re also far away and I have a disability that makes travel challenging and we don’t have vacation time or money to see everyone every year. I love my parents and am happy to see or talk to them when I do, but it’s never been my expectation that they would be part of my daily life as an adult, and that’s an expectation that was set by the way they raised me!

    12. My family of origin is ragingly dysfunctional. Despite the objective crazy and cruelty, I spent my 20s and half of my 30s trying to make it work. Now, I have nothing to do with them and am so much happier (except when hemorrhaging money in therapy).

      It’s about being reasonable, not perfect, and they are horrifically unreasonable people. Once I got married and had a child of my own, it came crashing home how awful it all was.

    13. My childhood was not great – my mom had undiagnosed bipolar disorder (finally got diagnosed when I was in my late teens) and so that made for some pretty bad experiences.

      I would say I talk to them about 2x a month and we see them once or twice a year. They used to live about 45 minutes away from me and they wanted way more contact than I was frankly comfortable with – like to see us every weekend or every other weekend. I put some boundaries around that; later they moved 8 hours away from us and that is actually better for me as it’s a much bigger deal for them to come here or for us to go there.

      My husband was raised by a single mom who was pretty neglectful (like would leave him home alone at night, at age 6, so she could go to bars with her friends) and he spent his entire childhood fending for himself, for the most part. I figured out when we got together that they were not close and he had no desire to try to be close to her. Having been through what I went through, but still maintaining a relationship with my parents, it was tough for me to understand, but a therapist told me “this isn’t an area of life you have control over, or any obligation to manage or understand,” and once I adopted that mindset I was able to just let things be and it was fine.

      Over the 26 years we’ve been together, my husband called his mom maybe 2 or 3 times a year, and I saw her exactly 6 times during that entire time span (and he saw her a handful of times beyond that, usually when she had health problems and landed in the hospital). My son saw her a couple of times when he was a baby, and once when he was about 8. That was it. She would not travel to see us, ever. And after awhile, if I would mention going to see her, my husband would be noncommittal, and then eventually shut down the idea. My feeling was – this is my husband’s mother and not my mother and it’s not my job or responsibility to manage his relationship with her. I sent her a birthday card once and got no response at all, and my husband told me “don’t bother,” in regards to doing it again, and so I didn’t. She died last year and he went to see her a couple of times while she was declining and then again to clean out her apartment and that was it.

      The thing is, you just have no idea what someone else’s experience of their family was and how they choose to handle it internally. I think some people don’t develop closeness to their parents even if their home situation as a child is completely fine, and I have also seen the reverse: people who come out of pretty bad home situations can be very attached to their parents. I will give you the same advice I was given: regardless of how you feel about what you think your spouse’s relationship with their parents should look like, this is fundamentally not your business, and you should butt out. Trying to make your spouse act in a way that does not feel natural to them, and/or trying to “help” the relationship, will not end well – you will come across as overbearing and nosy, and your efforts won’t be appreciated.

      Also, regarding kids: if you had kids expecting that they would always want to be with you, I am sorry to hear that as kids don’t have any obligations to their parents, full stop, for being raised. If you choose to have a child (and I would imagine for 98% of us here, getting pregnant was a choice) and you do not feed that child, house them, clothe them, get them medical care, educate them, etc. then you are being neglectful and can be criminally prosecuted for that. I know there are big cultural beliefs that play into this, but in my view, parents choose to have children and then need to deal with the obligation and responsibility of that without expecting some kind of “return on investment.” If kids leave home and stay close, great, but we all need to be prepared for the idea we are raising adults, not children. And adults have autonomy and self-determination, and may not choose to stay super-close to their parents as adults. Guilt-tripping, implying or stating there is an obligation owed by the child, etc. will not create the kind of relationship where kids are likely to stay close, just FYI.

      1. “The thing is, you just have no idea what someone else’s experience of their family was and how they choose to handle it internally. I think some people don’t develop closeness to their parents even if their home situation as a child is completely fine, and I have also seen the reverse: people who come out of pretty bad home situations can be very attached to their parents. I will give you the same advice I was given: regardless of how you feel about what you think your spouse’s relationship with their parents should look like, this is fundamentally not your business, and you should butt out. Trying to make your spouse act in a way that does not feel natural to them, and/or trying to “help” the relationship, will not end well – you will come across as overbearing and nosy, and your efforts won’t be appreciated.”

        This is very wise, and I am glad you said it.

      2. +1 million to your last paragraph. I have raised my daughter to be her own person. If she chooses to stay in touch with me I will be thrilled, but she doesn’t owe it to me.

      4. My sister who is childless is now trying to develop relationships with her nephews and nieces because she thinks one of them will want to take care of her in aging. She was a bit surprised when I said I certainly don’t have those expectations of my own child so she certainly shouldn’t expect that of them either! But more power to her if she can start building real friendships with them as they approach adulthood, maybe she’ll get lucky.

    14. I think a lot of how my relationship with my parents now was absolutely defined by how my relationship with them in my teens/young adult was AND how all of us (including me) have worked to change/make amends for thing that happened.
      When talking with my therapist about this, I’ve phrased it as the only reason I know my father is because he is my father – we don’t share similar interests, there isn’t much that we agree on, and we live very different lifestyles. The only times he really calls is when a family member dies – I think he texted me on my birthday this year, but I honestly don’t remember. He’s there, he’s a person I may visit on a holiday (though I haven’t been to his house for a holiday since 2019), and I’m related to him.
      My mom and I, OTOH, are very similar. We share interests; if we lived in the same town, the likelihood that we would meet during some activity is much greater; and generally, she’s much more open to conversations and discussions. I won’t go up for just a random weekend to visit, but we both make the drives to each other when something big is happening; we’re not phone people, so we may occasionally have long chats, but we’re more likely to just text randomly to each other throughout the week.

    15. When you said “she gave up everything for him in his childhood,” I thought it was going to be something like she was a single mom who worked three jobs to send him to a better school, not she was a stay at home mom. Reading between the lines, if your husband received a repeated message about how much his mom had sacrificed for him, that’s a recipe for resentment in the parent/child relationship. Maybe I’m off-base, but just food for thought.

      In terms of being close to my parents, I am very close to them. I talk to my mom almost every day, see them weekly, and it’s generally an uncomplicated relationship, although of course we had bumps along the way. What they did: they were what I think is called “authoritative” parents – they set very firm boundaries, but were extremely loving and the reason for those boundaries was communicated clearly. When I broke rules, there were consequences but the reaction wasn’t overly emotional – it wasn’t like I broke the rules *at them,* if that makes sense. I also had a pretty severe mental illness as a teen, and my parents were very supportive and were willing to learn, during my treatment process, about things they could do better as parents. It was huge for me to see them adopt a learner’s mindset to parenting.

      1. Agree with being a SAHM and “sacrificing” causing resentment. I’ve lived in different parts of the country with very different cultures, and some really try to ram it down women’s throats that (a) they need to sacrifice their career and interests for their kids, and (b) they will be happier than those stretched-too-thin working moms when doing so. It isn’t healthy for anyone.

    16. I think how you define ‘close’ depends a lot on your family culture. Many of my high school friends wouldn’t have considered me close to my parents because I moved halfway across the country for college and didn’t move home after college, but that is normal and expected in my family culture. My parents wanted me to forge my own path. We called weekly and visited several times a year, until my husband and I got settled and had a kid, at which point my parents moved to our area. Now they are part of our daily lives. Many posters here would probably consider us too close, but I think it’s been really good for all of us. My kid adores her grandparents, spending so much time with a little kid keeps my parents young, I really treasure getting to have a close friendship with my parents in this stage of life, and it’s been a huge logistical help for me and my husband. DH is fine with how much we see them (especially considering the childcare help), I definitely wouldn’t force this on him. I hope to do the same thing for my kid when she has a family of her own, if she and her spouse want it.

      I don’t have a lot of great answers to the ‘why,’ other than them just being generally good parents and loving people who gave me a good childhood and are two of my closest friends now. I will say they are really good with boundaries – they live a mile from us currently, but never drop by unannounced and don’t assume they’re invited to things our family does unless we expressly invite them. I also think being an only child is a big factor. Not because I feel obligated to spend time with them, but I think being a tiny family in my childhood made us closer, and my only child status also allowed them to move near us and be so involved in our lives at this stage (if you have two kids you don’t want to appear to be favoring one, so you don’t typically live near your grandkids unless an adult kid chooses to move back to their hometown).

    18. I am in frequent contact with my parents, but not close. What I mean by this is that I will call them, often times while driving, to talk about superficial stuff and not anything deep. Think what you would chat to an acquaintance about while your dogs play at the dog park. This is not particularly what I want. However, my mum has her problems and just does not have the ability to relate to my life on a more than telling me platitudes or greeting card advice, before returning to her complaint of the day. DH mainly communicates with his mom by sending memes back and forth but when they do talk, they actually talk and are quite close.

    19. I speak to my mom a few times a week, see her at least twice a month, and know that while she was not perfect – she really did her best. She single mom’d it after divorce and managed to support my sister and I into reasonably functional adults.

      My father isn’t a good person, his wife calls me or texts me to set up calls with the kids. I only have a relationship with him for my kids and he couldn’t really tell you anything about me if you asked.

      My in-laws are great, we’re close to them. They’re ‘busy’ retirees and we see them at least once a month. Other communication (talk/text/email) at least weekly. My FIL is the major father figure in my life. Really good people who are just kind and supportive (if a bit annoyingly oblivious at times).

      I agree that just because somebody was a SAHM does not guarantee closeness. Someone close to me actually talks about how their mother blames everything wrong in their life on ‘giving it up for you and your siblings’. I think it’s also about being a kind and supportive person who genuinely cares about their kids.

    20. I was very close to my parents. We didn’t have any money but we did a lot of family stuff like camping most nice weekends. And my parents went into debt to build a pool for us (so cal) so we could have friends over. They weren’t the PTA volunteer type of parents and left us to figure out a lot on our own, but they told us they loved us all the time and we really felt it.

      They’re both gone now. I have 20 and 22 year olds now and we are a very tight family. My kids would agree. Everyone is living here for the summer + a boyfriend and we are having fun!

    21. I would not consider myself to be close to my parents. I generally tell them extremely surface level information about my life and most communication is via text to my mom. She has now started texting me have a good weekend on Fridays, I believe for a sign of life check.

      I grew up in a home with no affection and no discussion of feelings and what felt to me like extremely high expectations put on me, the oldest. I rebelled a bit (normal teenage stuff) and they thought I was going to end up a junkie in the streets (I smoked some pot and drank). Their incredible over reaction to my behaviors did not encourage me to want to confide anything in them.

      I think the lack of affection greatly contributed to not feeling close to them. But then again, we were never close in any capacity. I know close to nothing about my parents’ families – all grandfathers were dead and one grandmother lived across an ocean and the other was unpleasant and no one wanted to interact much with her. They never shared and I never asked. I didn’t know how my parents met until a law school friend asked lol

    22. I’m 46. There was divorce, mental illness, and alcoholism in my family as I grew up. I am not as close to my Mom as she would prefer, due to some actions on her part (not respecting boundaries, lost trust, etc.). A couple years ago after decades of living thousands of miles apart, she moved three blocks away without asking me about it first; we now see them once a week for brunch, and the kids stay there for a few hours afterwards. I don’t call her (ever), and don’t spend any time with her 1:1.

      I don’t live near my dad and would call him more often if he wasn’t almost deaf; we e-mail pretty regularly and I see him for a visit at least once or twice a year. I trust him and would see him more if feasible but it’s tough as DH and I both work demanding jobs and we have two kids’ school schedules to coordinate around.

      My DH, slightly younger than me, didn’t have any of my issues growing up and calls his parents multiple times a week. We see them at least weekly.

      1. “A couple years ago after decades of living thousands of miles apart, she moved three blocks away without asking me about it first”

        Whoa. I just want to acknowledge that this is a major thing for your mother to have done to you and your family, and I think you’re handling it much better than I would, if I was in the same situation.

        1. Thank you. Others don’t seem to get why I wasn’t more excited about it. She’s here purportedly to “help” with the kids, but (1) I didn’t ask for help, (2) she doesn’t drive, and (3) she’s a germaphobe and won’t be around even slightly sick children, so her opportunities to “help” are very limited.

    23. Me – Child of South Asian immigrants where family is defined broadly (nuclear, extended, close family friends = all family – this was not a toxic experience for me growing up as I know it can be). I’m very close to my parents and sibling, moved back to home city in part to be closer, and I am so thankful. Childhood was great in most ways, despite there was physical and emotional abuse by one parent – how I wish they had therapy. They changed later in life. One of my parents passed away in recent years and it still hurts every day. I see the other parent at least 2x a week – they help a lot with my kids and we are very close. Also close to cousins and their kids, a lot of them live locally, but that takes more effort. Dream would be to take my kids to my family’s country of origin every other year – we went late in 2022 and it was a great experience (and yes, was a lot of work to coordinate). I also expect kids to go through their stages – I wanted to be as far away as possible from my parents and home city in my teens/early 20s, but by 26 was feeling a pull home; finally got here at 36 with husband and one kid.

      DH – Child of two parents that divorced when he was young. He had to be the “adult” and manage both sides of family, and often still does. MIL did her best as a single mom based on her own life traumas but is still emotionally immature/not empathetic. FIL checked out and did what he needed to do to pursue his happiness; DH lived with MIL and had stretches of time where he’d stay with FIL (vacations, summers). DH grew up seeing MIL as perfect parent and FIL as the selfish one, and through events the last several years and therapy has realized that isn’t the case for either parent. He makes effort to keep warm relations with both – talks to MIL one the phone 1-2x/week but keeps it high-level (which is what she prefers) – kids, weather, yardwork; FIL about the same but they can discuss more “real” things, but it’s always when it works for FIL. We prioritize seeing these segments of family on holidays or designated trips – less free flowing, more formal, but still always nice and it’s clear a lot of love is there.

    24. We talk frequently (at least once a week) and visit one another a few times a year. This is pretty similar to the relationship my parents had with their own parents, and my extended family is both small and pretty well-dispersed across the US (and has been since the 1950s). I think it’s important to maintain family ties, but life happens, not everyone gets along and/or is interested in interacting with their relatives.

      In terms of my childhood, my parents were Authoritarian with a capital A (probably all-caps is more appropriate), and always, always had to be right about everything. But they were also supportive, caring, and loving to the extent that they could be, as well as very financially generous (paid for our educations). While our politics diverged sometime in the Bill Clinton era/when they got Fox News as part of their cable package, they stopped giving me career or major life advice in my early 20s. In contrast, my 80-yo MIL *still* gives my spouse (and me!) unsolicited, generally bonkers career and financial advice.

      I want my kids to stay in touch, but I also want them to have their own lives! And I want my own life when I’m old! I do try to be more reasonable and self-aware than my own parents, but I understand that my kids may well blame me for their problems.

    25. I call my mon once a week, and I visit her (and other family) two or three times a year. We don’t have much in common, I think my life has been so different from my mom’s, and she can’t relate. We occasionally talk about books.

      I try to give my mom as much grace as I can, usually unsuccessfully. Both she and my dad (he died 10 years ago), grew up in poor and abusive situations. But, sometimes I can’t help but think she could have done better. My mom gets anxious easily, she is terrified of driving, riding in cars, traffic, snow, new places, sports, people being late, hates when people do things she doesn’t approve of, and pretty much anything she can’t control.

      I also keep things superficial because my mom can’t get along with anyone for an extended period of time. She truly believes that she is right and everyone else is wrong, so it’s best to keep out of the line of fire. I half joke that it’s been great that since she got old, her friends die or move on to assisted living before they discover how nasty she is. I think to the outside world, we look close enough. I do what I feel is my duty and hope for grace when dealing with her.

    26. I call or text my mom every single day and I love her. She is my biggest supporter and a role model to me. I am not like this with my brother or father, and honestly I don’t even think about them often. They could not care less about me, so I feel the same. My husband also calls his mother AND grandmother (he was raised by her until age 7) every day, and calls his brothers every week. The most important thing to me is that these people were always so supportive and always cheered for us. My mother is not perfect (and neither am I), but she is always there for me.

    27. I’m surprised no one has mentioned how much of a factor money can be in this. I have an aunt I’m not particularly fond of that I stay in touch with mostly because she tosses me some $$ for kids’ college funds a few times a year. I have friends who have way more contact with their parents than they’d like because the parents fund expensive vacations or helped with a down payment.

      To be clear, I’m not endorsing this or saying it’s healthy to bribe your adult kids to spend time with you – but I do think it’s a factor in a surprisingly large number of families.

      1. Yeah, money definitely factors into it, but people tend not to mention it. Also money dynamics are so personal to families. I don’t feel like my parents have super-high contact expectations because they have given me money over the years, but I would be VERY reluctant to have them pay for K-12 private school because I think they would feel an intense sense of ownership about the venture. Then again, I have friends who are fine with grandma paying for private school or summer camp or whatever.

  5. This top makes zero sense. A hot, itchy, chunky turtleneck that is also sleeveless and midriff-baring? No thank you.

  6. Has the shift to wfh messed with anyone else’s identity and priorities? i am fully remote and my husband commutes via train 3 days a week. I find myself doing all the daily housework picking up the kids and struggling to do my actual work during the time I’m supposed to be working. I’ve kind of put sahm expectations on myself and made a situation that was supposedly to make life easier- wfh- more stressful. When I was in Court every day it was easier to say “I’m a working mom” and share responsibilities with my husband but the truth is it seems like it makes more sense for me to do more childcare and housework nowadays. When my husband is wfh, his is committed to taking our older child to sports so that is his contribution for the day but i feel like it’s an extracurricular that doesn’t get the dishes done. I guess the solution is boundaries? I’m at a loss of what makes sense here.

    1. I think this is a husband problem (you’re still a working mom, location doesn’t matter) but maybe working from a coffee shop or library would help?

      1. How is it a husband problem? From
        What she wrote she just started doing this. He didn’t ask her to. He doesn’t know it’s a problem. He didn’t have this expectation. He’s not a mind reader.

      2. I don’t think it’s a husband problem, it’s a WFH problem. I’m all for flexibility and WFH but this is an inherent issue that isn’t getting a lot of discussion. When you are the stay at home person, regardless of your job, the household responsibilities naturally trend in your direction. It’s one of the reasons I prefer going into the office more days than not.

        1. Amen to that. The house chores staring you in the face are not there in my office. If I were single, no kids, no dog, different story.

    2. I feel you. It’s easier for me to pop out for a few minutes to take a kid to a Dr appt vs DH to leave office to do it. Less noticeable to his employer than to mine. Also, more SAHM spouses in his office. But then I’m working evenings to catch up. DH mostly takes care of bedtime bc of this arrangement which makes up a little bit. It’s easy to say it’s husband problem, but it’s also entrenched social expectations.

    3. You set boundaries. They don’t have to be the same boundaries as you had before but just decide what’s appropriate.

    4. Redraw boundaries and use your words – say all of this to him. Do not mince words and redistribute responsibilities.

    5. The solution is boundaries, but you need to figure out what they are first.

      I’d separate out housework from kid stuff. There is NO reason that you need to do– or should be doing– housework during working hours. (I don’t count putting your coffee mug or lunch dishes in the dishwasher – you’d be dealing with that in an office too.) That’s a boundary that you need to set for yourself, and you need to do the work to keep yourself on track. If there are tasks that you’re routinely doing during working hours because there’s no time during your family’s off hours, make a list of the essentials and parcel them out among yourself and your family members. Don’t allow yourself to “just get dinner started because DD has early gymnastics tonight” – do what you would have done if you and your husband were both commuting. BTW, I’m not saying that no one should do these things during WFH, but you’re struggling with doing your actual job and need to draw a firm boundary.

      The kid stuff is different and will need more advance planning. The biggest issue I’ve found with being wfh is that I’m always the default/fall back when there’s a change in child schedules. It’s easier for me in the moment to agree to pop out to do the 4pm pick up– but it’s not a long term solution and causes issues when I don’t have the flexibility. I’ve chosen to white knuckle it because my older kid is in high school and I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I suggest you talk to your husband about the larger issue: you don’t have time to do your job because of the childcare. You two need to work out a schedule, and the schedule needs to allow for each of you to get your work done. This could involve aftercare or a driving nanny for the days that your husband works remotely — it could involve your husband shifting his hours on those days so he can do morning drop off and you can start your day early to be available for pick up. It could mean that your kids can’t do all of the extracurriculars they want. Whatever it is, you need to have a plan — and start your conversation with the assumption that your husband wants you to succeed in your job and that he’s (obliviously or guiltily) allowing you to martyr yourself for kid stuff.

    6. Hi, I’m you. I’m on a hybrid schedule with a long commute, so my WFH days I prioritize doing a bit of housekeeping. So in that regard I love WFH because I can get stuff done, but yeah I’m the only one doing the breakfast dishes when I’m home (DH does all kid drop offs and pick ups and works in office full time). I’ve realized either have to outsource, or not care. I hate that those are our options but I don’t see an alternative.

    7. 100%. I think work from home has moved working women backwards. I know I do a shit ton more housework than I used to. I really miss the sharp separation between work and home.

          1. Op here. That makes sense because it’s much easier if you were already the default parent. My issue is that I’ve become the default parent. My increased home responsibilities really outpaced any gains in saved commuting time. Additionally, no one takes the fact that I’m working as seriously (including me). I want to support my husband and family but I miss the version of me that got to come home at the end of the day and not be expected to have dinner ready.

          2. “I miss the version of me that got to come home at the end of the day and not be expected to have dinner ready.”

            That expectation on his part is not yours to fulfill. As people said above, the problem here is not WFH, the problem is managed expectations and boundaries. It sounds like you need some. If my husband started expecting me to have dinner made when he got home on days I was WFH, I would just laugh. If it wasn’t that way in the Before Times it’s not gonna be that way now, pal. And would have no problem having a crucial conversation with him to convey that information.

          3. It’s really my kid’s expectation not my husband’s. It’s super nice that they can come home earlier but they are not self sufficient enough to not be cared for. No one likes the idea of increasing childcare to the levels of when I was working fir real but I am doing much more childcare and housework now and struggling to keep up.

      2. I agree. And I think that data is going to change over time. When you’re WFH, you’re outta sight and outta mind. You might be able to individual contributor/limp along, but careers will stagnate.

        1. Thanks for providing that oh-so-needed “WFH will be the doom of us all” perspective

          1. Sorry but there are tradeoffs. You can stick your head in the sand about it if it makes you feel better.

    8. Honestly, no. I don’t do things at home that I would not have done in the office. I don’t load the dishwasher, ask the kids if they need a snack, pop in a load of laundry, start prep for dinner, etc. That stuff gets done in the evenings when everyone is home and everyone is expected to contribute, same as before. (Note I have teens who could be perfectly self-sufficient, but won’t be if they think they have maid service. ) DH and I both have full time jobs, and we have duties at home we split. I’m not picking up extra duties at home and still doing the same level of work from home. I may take a call while I’m going for a walk, but that’s for *me.* The rate of dust bunny mating under the beds and couches isn’t changing based on my schedule. Heh.

  7. Has anyone here attended (or will be attending this year’s) Women in Life Sciences Law Conference? I’m interested to know if it’s worth going.

  8. I love this sweater even though 1) the color is not rosacea friendly and 2) I freely acknowledge that the garment makes no sense (if you need a turtleneck, you also need sleeves, and vice versa; the weather is not different near your neck). It is so, so lovely. I used to rock these in high school with . . . shorts from the OG safari-back-then Banana Republic. IMO never a winter item. But I do so love them. If I could find in a pure white, it might have to be mine.

    2. I love sweaters like this, in theory, but I know I’d never wear them. There’s approximately a 2-week window where it would work in my climate. If it’s warm enough to go sleeveless, I do NOT want to be wearing a sweater in any form. Particularly because I live in a humid area; I can see it working better in dry areas.

      1. I grew up in the NEUS and it worked in summers there b/c they weren’t really humid and most of the summer and most of most days, they weren’t even particularly warm. I had a gray one I bought at an outlet that I adored. I think I wore it with navy Bermuda shorts and loafers.

        2. Where in the northeast are summers not hot and humid? I lived in MA for five years and summers were brutal.

          2. PA and NJ summers are hotter and more humid than MA, lol.

            10+ years ago I would have said Maine, but honestly even Maine is not pleasant for much of July and August now. Climate change is a b1tch.

          3. I feel like there is an altitude component. In a forested area that is very hilly, it can be fleece all the time in the summer. And maybe it is a bit humid, but not humid to me (relative to coastal VA). There are places so hot and humid that my fine hair gets frizzy and ultimately curls. The Northeast is not one of those places — hair is limp and flat there even in the summer.

    3. I was so cold this winter I bought a couple of turtlenecks and then spent all day pulling on the neck of them. It just bugs me. There’s no way I’d be able to wear one in warmer weather!

      This style never makes sense to me, like the thankfully short-lived open-toe boots.

    4. I used to have a top just like this. I loved it! It helps that I don’t run hot and that the sweater was boxy and cropped, so I never overheated or broke out in a sweat.

  9. Oof… I’ve got an interview for an academic job on Friday! I love my job, but this job is in my country (long bus + train commute versus the bus+tram+plane commute I’ve been doing). I’m finding it hard to imagine leaving the job where I’m really happy, but I think it’s probably worth it. Based on my convos with the hiring manager, I’ve got a good shot at it.

    1. That’s awesome! Good luck–I really hope you get it! Long commutes are the worst. I commuted to a different state for two years and it was exhausting.

  10. Do people write letters any more? I grew up doing it and love nice stationery. But ever since my grandmother died, even my mom texts me now.

    1. I don’t think so? I tend to send a letter with photos/kid artwork to my grandmother but I don’t even email these days. It’s all whatsapp for personal stuff (which is non-US specific, I think).

    2. My BFF and I did for a little while! But then we both got pregnant and now those days are gone, I think.

    3. Not letters but notes in place of cards. I kept my name when I got married and my mom had some stationary made that says “first last” and “Kiddo one and kiddo two’s mom” on it. It’s so useful! Also, my husband loves having personalize family stationary as opposed to various cards because he likes writing “happy birthday” or “thank you” himself. Plus you kind of always have the right card then. It’s a life hack I think, even if other people might prefer a specific card.

    4. I don’t write letters but am big on cards, and people are usually delighted to get them.

      1. I LOVE sending cards! And it’s not been sacrificed to baby’s demands the way letters have, lol.

    5. I write notes to friends now and then… who doesn’t like to get a nice, non-bill note in the mail?
      The other place it’s served me well is when handling things that, here, would probably get a reply of “Call Code Enforcement”. As an example, there is a large house on my commute home who always placed their large yard waste in the bike lane up to a week before our twice-monthly pickups. It forced any cyclists into traffic, and at night, even with a good headlight, was difficult to see until you were right on top of it. I looked up the property owners and saw that they are very well-to-do, had lived in the house since the 1960s and are very elderly. Their yard service was probably doing this completely without their knowledge and/or it never entered anyone’s mind that what they were doing was dangerous.
      I wrote them a letter. In ink, and cursive, on nice stationery. I told them nicely that what their yard folks were doing was putting me and others in danger and could they please put their yard waste out the day of, on their property, or across the street where there’s no bike lane. They wrote back. Their yard people now put it out the morning of pickup and put an orange cone on either end of the pile that’s actually helpful when it’s dark. I would have preferred they kept it on their property, but we solved 99% of a problem that was impacting many, many cyclists with two letters, nice stationery, and no city involvement.

    6. I do! I have a couple of friends from college with whom I mainly stay in touch through old school letters. We do supplement with email, text, etc. if something is time sensitive but if we aren’t in person a lot of our substantive discussions take place over pen and paper.

      And since I have the writing supplies anyway, from time to time I like to jump into projects like More Love Letters (a website that picks a handful of people each month to receive a bunch of pick-me-up letters from strangers).

    7. Not letters, but cards. I might not see my parents regularly, but we do send each other cards! I also have several old friends I exchange birthday and holiday cards with.

    8. I have a college friend and we sent postcards when we travel (and b/c I haven’t really since COVID, I have found all sorts of ones from my city and have still sent them). Friendly mail is such a blessing to get.

    10. I’m big on cards and thank you notes (I have monogrammed stationery) but not letters.

    11. Yes! My BFF is great at sending cards and notes for all occasions or just for no reason, and I’ve picked up the habit from her. Now other friends who I’ve sent cards to have started doing it. I think if you enjoy doing it, you totally should, because it’s always fun to receive!

    12. Not quite the same, but my husband and I write annual love letters to each other on our anniversary. It’s my favorite tradition and neither of us worries about what to get the other.

    13. I don’t write letters (that’s why email was invented) and I’m not great at sending cards because I always feel anxious about picking the “right” one, and then about saying the “right” thing when I sign it. And also I never know what to do with them when someone sends one to me. I end up throwing it out because I hate clutter (and paper clutter in particular), but then I feel guilty. In a way, I don’t feel like I want to burden someone with having to deal with this physical thing I have sent them that has no practical utility. I feel much better about sending cards with a gift, or a gift card, because gifts are actually useful (or at least can be).

      I also, in general, think that cards and paper mail and sending things through the mail is probably an unnecessary waste of resources, now that we have electronic communication options of all kinds. Even if greeting cards are recyclable.

    14. Are we distinguishing between a note and a letter? I mail 3-4 sentences fairly regularly. I write a few lines in holiday cards and birthday cards. I also write thank you notes sometimes (especially after Christmas). I am currently trying to write a brief note every now and then to a friend who is quite sick (using a computer tires her out). I prefer notes over texting for most occasional correspondence because it removes the pressure to respond. If I get a text I know the person was thinking of me and sent it RIGHT THEN and I feel like any response must be delivered quickly. With a letter you know the writer was thinking of you but you don’t have to engage immediately (or, to be honest, ever).

    15. I send cards that end up being short letters? They are substantive so I think I get half credit. I love getting mail, so I like sending mail! I have boxes of cards and stationery and even a wax seal stamp set I use regularly.

    16. I hand write thank you notes but that’s about it. I do love my monogrammed note cards though!

    17. My husband writes me love notes and hides then around our house. I love finding them randomly! My 8-year old niece likes to get mail so we write letters back and forth. And I am a criminal defense lawyer and almost all of my clients are incarcerated, so I write letters back and forth to them.

    18. I write thank you notes — mostly for dinner parties (I love receiving them so I make it a point to send them). Also, now that I’m older I find myself writing more condolence letter than I’d like. Hubby and I have a bunch of nice “house” stationery we got after we married including thank-you cards, blank cards, and actual letter paper.

      Oh, and I have one friend whose “thing” is having people send postcards when they travel, so I try to indulge him that way when I can.

    19. My grandmother and I write letters back and forth, including cards for holidays. But we write actual, real letters about what we’ve been up to and stuff. It’s fun and I treasure her letters so much.

      I also just love sending cards for birthdays or just because or holidays. I love picking out the cards and then adding a little note.

      My dream is to find a guy who will write me real love letters…maybe a dying dream but a dream nonetheless.

    20. I write letters. One friend in Europe as nothing electronic in her life besides a cell phone. So, letters. Another friend in Europe has email, but we prefer hand-written letters. I send letters or cards to friends in the US, and they call upon receipt, which I actually find a bit irritating. Why can’t they write back?! “But I called!” Not the same!

  11. Does anyone have a good blueberry cobbler recipe that is camping-friendly and can be made in a dutch oven with legs where you put coals under and over to keep it at temperature? And I plan to line the dutch oven with foil in the hopes that it makes cleaning up in the woods a bit easier with cast iron.

    2. No, I don’t have one, but this seems like an ideal use for a Bisquick-style mix plopped over a sugar and blueberry mix. Caveat that every time I have tried a campfire-baking recipe it has ended up a smoky, charred, inedible mess, but maybe by being super patient and keeping the dough/batter on top you will be spared this? I tried those campfire pie irons and those were a fail for sure. I hope someone else has ideas (pro tips on campfire pie irons would be awesome too).

      1. It’s been a long time since I used pie irons, so take this with a big grain of salt, but I remember them always coming out pretty well. I think you just need to wait until you’re cooking over low coals, not actual flames? Or maybe you just need to be a kid and have low standards!

    3. Do a recipe with oats, not wheat flour.

      If you get a bad bake, oats will be fine and safe to eat if raw or half-baked, while wheat flour will be undigestable and a fail

  12. In case anyone has the JCF ruffled trim sheath dresses, I have just now realized that they are machine wash and claim that they can be tumble-dried (IDK that I’d risk that — I do love this dress). Just now noticed some sort of stain and am excited to wash it later (vs go to the cleaners).

  13. Thank you all for the rosacea help on Thursday. It got really bad over the weekend and I went to urgent care and got an antibiotic, and have a new derm appointment tomorrow morning. I really appreciate all the advice

    1. That’s great! Best of luck!

      Two things you need to know about the rosacea antibiotics – assuming you’re on a tetricycline of some kind, just in case the pharmacy or doc didn’t tell you:

      Sunscreen! They make you very sensitive to sun.

      Do not take them with dairy. You need a few hours between consuming dairy and taking the meds, otherwise they will be less effective. So if you are planning to have some yogurt to be kind your stomach on the antibiotics, timing is key.

      1. Thank you! It does say not to take with dairy but I didn’t know the why – I will make sure to be conscious about the timing.

          1. This is a good reminder to all of us.

            Many of the medicines you take interact with calcium, magnesium and iron.

            Many (most?) women should probably be taking calcium for bone health, and women often take iron (as chronic anemia is so so common in women who menstruate) and some take magnesium (for sleep/migraines/bowel regularity and more). Yet your doctors never tell you that all of these supplements interact with / block each other (so you must separate taking them by 2-4hrs each day), but they also inhibit the absorption of many medications.

  14. What are some good entry-level trekking poles? I am an avid hiker, but didn’t grow up with them. After slipping off some rocks during a stream crossing recently (on a backpacking trip, so I was lucky to be toting crocks with me so I could change out of my one wet boot in my pair once we set up camp), I am thinking that trying out poles would add some stability and maybe help on hills. I don’t want to be all-hat-no-cattle with gear that I may not wind up liking, but don’t want to buy something that will break easily or isn’t up to the task. It doesn’t often snow where I live, but rains a TON and wet rocks and leaves can be slippery. It doesn’t help that I am a bit clumsy at times, especially when wearing a 25ish pound backpack.

    1. I would buy whatever cheaper models are height adjustable that also seem like they have a comfortable grip. They should also telescope down to be small to stick on your backpack. I have Black Diamond trekking poles (probably their cheapest ones at the time, can’t remember) and they are perfectly fine.

      1. I have a set of Black Diamond ones that I really like. They collapse pretty small (maybe 8″) which is important to me because I can easily toss them in a backpack or a suitcase. I’ve always felt a little unsteady on my feet when descending on hikes, and they make an unbelievable difference in my confidence.

    2. Do you live near an REI? I would go there and ask an associate for their input. You should be able to demo a few styles there. Also if you’re a member, you have up to a year to return the poles if you use them and don’t like them.

      1. Second to REI. I was the same as you, didn’t grow up using them, but once I tried them a few times and got used them, I won’t go backpacking without them. They are amazing. I’m saying this because you might not want to go with the cheapest ones and then end up upgrading later.

        1. Same. I have a set of Lekis (don’t remember the exact model) that I like, but go to REI or other specialty outdoor store and let them talk you through the options. I got them on a trip to Great Smoky Mountains when my IT band started majorly acting up early in the trip and went to the local hiking store and an employee very enthusiastically told me about all the different options.; the hiking poles basically saved the trip and now I won’t go any major hike without them.

    3. I’d suggest searching online for “off brand” carbon fiber poles with a cork handle. One lower priced decent brand is Foxelli. I started with even cheaper aluminum poles with rubber grips and quickly ended up upgrading to Black Diamond ergo cork grip poles.

  15. Could really use some advice. I started dating someone a few months ago and things got pretty serious quickly. Lives in another state requiring a flight so our first major time together was this past week where we spent full days together till late at night. Things went very well – lots of chemistry and we just enjoy being together. However – he dropped a big bombshell on me and I’m not sure if it’s significant enough to break up over.

    For reference, we are both religious and in our 30s but he was not religious most of his adult life). I knew he had slept around a lot during that time and he’s shared many many personal things with me (I’ve never slept with anyone FWIW) but the bombshell was that he told me his first person – and it went on for a while with her – was with someone much older who was separated for a year but still legally and religiously married.

    To me, that’s a huge red flag and I find that morally reprehensible given how I was raised. However I recognize he was raised differently (much less religiously even before he became nonreligious entirely) and this was like 17 years ago when he was young and stupid. But it also wasn’t just a one time thing.

    I have never found someone I’ve clicked with so well and don’t know what to do. I had truly given up on the idea of ever finding someone to marry and having kids. From the start, he has always been more into me and it’s so, so nice to be adored. Not to sound like a snob (and I hate that I’m saying this), but for him, being with me would be marrying “up” and I’d be marrying “down” so there’s the tiniest bit of that involved here too. And we were already discussing dating/engagement timelines (I know it seems crazy fast but we are older and it’s the norm in our circles).

    How do I figure out what to do? I obviously can’t tell anyone what it was he actually did that is making me doubt things, because it’s not my story to tell. But I’m just struggling trying to figure out next steps. If I take a break, I feel like that’s it.

    1. I personally wouldn’t care about who he slept with, but if you think you’re marrying down, get out. That’s just another word for contempt, which is fatal to a lifetime partnership.

      2. Every bit of this. Do him a favor and break up with him. You do not look at someone you’re going to partner with for life on a scale of better or worse than you, marrying up or down. That’s not partnership. Good lord.

      4. Agreed. I can’t imagine thinking that I married “down”. What kind of relationship is that??

        Also, divorces take forever to finalize — mine took 20 months. You better believe that I was out there dating several months after I had moved out. How long the legal process takes and where you are emotionally are in no way correlated.

        I cannot comment on the religious aspect because I have never been religious in my life and am not close with anyone who is.

        1. This is why I feel uncomfortable whenever anyone says, “oh, you married up!” to my husband. My super evangelical relatives do it often (and not just to us, but to most husbands).

        2. I met my current husband when I was separated from my first husband. My simple, uncontested divorce took well over a year to just move through the system to get rubber stamped. I was spiritually divorced the minute my ex moved out, and to be honest, about a year before then. Neither my current husband of 20+ years nor I have any regrets or qualms about it.

      7. Yup. I was all set to say “don’t be ridiculous, this should not be a dealbreaker,” but if you feel like you would be “marrying down” with him (which is kind of a toxic concept, IMO), do both of you a favor and break up now.

    2. Religious, only slept with my husband, married in my late 30s. Here’s my take:

      I don’t think this is a deal breaker. Unfortunately, many people date when separated but not divorced. It sounds like she was actually separated, not “separated – LOL.” Divorce simply takes a long time, especially if contested, and many people aren’t unwilling to stop dating for two years.

      I am also weirded out by the age differential – 17 years ago he was what, 18? She was ”much older” so… 30? You need to stop with the judgement and see the pretty obvious manipulation and coercion at play. Even if he was an adult (18 or 19), that’s still a really gross, exploitative situation.

      1. People dating during a separation is not unfortunate. It’s hard to get divorced. In many states, there are a lot of hurdles partly because the religious right has lobbied for them. Congratulations on your virtue though

        1. Yeah, this thread is making me so grateful I made it to my thirties without all this wacko rigid religious nonsense.

        2. I said I was religious, you looked for a way to attack me, you think you found one.

          I say “think” you found one, because every sane person on the planet knows that all other things being equal, dating after the divorce is final is preferable. Every sane person on this planet also knows that the court systems take a long time to do anything (civil, criminal, family, probate, land), and that we have no-fault divorce available in every state (*except the deliberate choice to seek a covenant marriage in Arizona).

          /smackdown

          1. Lol, everybody knows a winner because they declare themselves the winner. Yes, you truly delivered a smackdown. Bravo, we are all impressed.

            Anyway, you’ve decided that dating after the divorce is preferable. You’d be astonished to learn that not every sane person has an opinion regarding when and how other people date. Shocking, I know. Some people mind their own GD business, don’t sit in judgment of other people’s love lives and understand that different people have different life circumstances. I think it’s called grace? You should try it some time.

            Anyway, many states have mandatory waiting periods for divorces even when it is no-fault. North Carolina requires at least 1 year of separation before granting a divorce. Again, let’s thank the religious right for deciding they know what’s best. I’ll start with you. Thank you

            /smackdown or something as equally inane

        3. And I presume since you did not address the points I made in my final paragraph, you are okay with women exploring barely-legal men. Is that your version of sexual liberation – attack people who point out the evil of a 30-something woman banging a teenage boy?

          1. Uh yea bingo you got me. Since I didn’t address every point you made, it means a full and complete endorsement.. You see, if you are not a religious person then you have no morals. But I think you know that already.

      2. I thought about that too. Depending on his age and the age differential with the partner, this could have been a predatory relationship. Which is his thing to deal with, but I would definitely keep that context in mind.

        If he was 25 and she was 30, then it’s whatever. It was a million years ago, in practical consideration, and I am sorry but people have pasts. Even religious people. My husband was not a monk when we met and I was not a nun and we did not belabor conversations about past experiences, relationships etc. because I frankly did not want to know, because it was in his PAST. Meaning, of questionable relevance to the life we were trying to build for the future, in the present moment.

        1. I would not want to marry a man who as a young man had been susceptible to a “predatory relationship.”

          1. I’m sorry, what? “Susceptible to a predatory relationship” what does that even mean? The guy should have somehow known he was being targeted by a groomer and been able to resist, or something? Do you understand how it works, when an older adult decides to prey on a younger person and take advantage of that younger person’s youth and inexperience?

            Wow, this is a completely gross and terrible thing to think. I hope people in your life are treating you with more empathy than you’re apparently capable of displaying to others.

      3. Anon at 11:32. I am not religious and completely understood your points. Some people play the field when they are separted for a short time and it can result in hurt feelings when the person goes back to their spouse. I dated my now husband while he was waiting for his divorce to be final. It was OVER. I don’t understand why anyone jumped on you for totally innocuous comments.

    3. I’ll be very frank I don’t like the way you talk about him. Marrying up? Gross. Being this judgmental about choices he made 17 years ago? Are you of a faith that doesn’t have any forgiveness in it? Like did you even consider that someone much older might have actually been problematic in a preying on him kind of way? I think you need to do some prayerful work on yourself.

    4. You sound extremely judgmental and almost contemptuous. I would not pick apart his past like this. The other woman was separated for a year. Honestly, the other red flag I see here is your behavior, not his.

    5. If it was 17 years ago and he is now in his 30s, he must have been pretty young- it was literally half a lifetime ago. I can’t imagine caring about this, but it sounds like you do, and it also sounds like you don’t really respect him. On that basis, I say you should break up because you’ll probably always look down on him.

      1. +1 I would not want my current partner to judge me for crap I did 17 yrs ago especially as I have learned and grown and am a pretty bada$$ person now.

        That said, I agree with this poster that it sounds like you do not respect him. I would never ever want to be with someone who thinks they are marrying/dating down by being with me. How awful. Break up so he can find someone who respects him.

    6. Caveat that I’m not religious, but I wouldn’t care one bit about him sleeping with a person who was separated but not legally divorced. Honestly, even sleeping with a married person would not be a dealbreaker for me. It’s not great, but the person who is really the reprehensible one in that situation is the married person.

      That said, the “marrying down” is a huge red flag. If that’s how you feel, you should end the relationship.

    7. Your own dealbreakers are obviously your own. Having said that, does your religious tradition not allow for growth, forgiveness, and redemption? Would you rather he had not confessed this to you and concealed it? I personally would value honesty, openness and a current shared religious/ moral framework now than focus on the past.

      However, your references to liking him being more into you, him marrying “up” with you, suggest you might want to question whether you truly like/love/value him personally, versus the feeling of being a prize/ the “catch” of your relationship.

    8. Break up with him. You are passing harsh judgment on him for something he did as a teenager with a different set of values than he has now, you recognize that is he more into you than you are him, and you believe you are marrying down. This relationship is doomed.

    9. If you think he’s beneath you then you’re not doing him any favors by staying with him. Bluntly, being deeply religious and abstinent means you have a small dating pool to begin with. If you’re also going to judge men for something they did 15+ years ago that most people consider morally acceptable…then expect your dating pool to be a shallow puddle. You decide if you’re okay with these self-imposed limitations or you’re willing to be more flexible.

      1. +1,00000000

        If you want kids and a husband, think about the ways you’re denying yourself these things by being so rigid.

        2. I love how some women are like “I desperately want to be married with kids” but are also like “there’s this questionably morally-questionable thing he did two decades ago that does not affect me in the least, but I dunno, it might be a dealbreaker”

    10. Agree with the other commenters about the length of time since his first relationship. Also, you consider that the woman he slept with was “still legally and religiously married,” but do you for a fact that SHE considered that to be her state? (As others have said, divorce takes a long time – my ex-H and I were legally still married for nearly a year after we split, during which time he met the woman he is now married to; I didn’t begrudge him that at all, and actually was very happy that he was able to move on first). Your view of their relationship might not be at all how either of them saw it.

      Finally, if you think you would be marrying “down,” whatever that means, you need to examine that belief.

      1. +1 my bf is still legally married bc the divorce is taking ages for a number of reasons, but they have been separated and living apart for two years. I am not concerned.

        I respect your religious beliefs so what I think is okay for me doesn’t really matter for you, but you may want to take into account whether this long-ago thing is more important to you than finding a partner/being with someone who is imperfect. Only you can decide.

        Regardless, let this man go so he can be with someone who doesn’t think she is marrying down.

    11. Break up with him because he deserves to be with someone who’s not a judgmental snob.

    12. Others have spoken to the “marrying down” thing. I agree with others that viewing your relationship that way is not a good sign. What I’m focused on is the religious piece of this.

      I’m very religious myself (Christian, in my case). I’m also a sinner who has done wrong in my life, for which I have needed God’s forgiveness. I’ll take it as given that what he did is a sin in your faith. And you are free to decide where your boundaries are, and perhaps this is one of them. That said, since religion is important to you, is your reaction consistent with what your faith teaches about sin and forgiveness?

      2. Fellow Christian here. Is it a sin to be sexually exploited by someone almost twice your age when you’re a teenager? What does consent look like in that situation? Why on earth was a grown-a$$ woman chasing a teenager?

        Sorry, but I get very irked when women are assaulted and then told to repent of their sin, and I am very leery of just saying “he was an adult or close to it, so it was clearly consensual” when the other party was “much older.”

        1. Without all the facts on everyone’s respective ages, I figured it was easier to just talk about how I think she should address it even if we take it as assumed that what he did was a sin – but you’re right, sexually coercive relationships obviously are not sins (on the victim’s part).

    13. I would ask myself what my religion says about forgiveness. I would ask myself if moral perfection is possible or even something I have achieved myself. I would ask what marrying “down” means to me, and what it means that I have not apparently found anyone “equal” or “up” to marry as well. I would ask myself what future I would like with any hypothetical children, and whether I will allow them to be themselves and forge their own paths, even if those involve “mistakes” in my mind. I would ask my faith advisor (not friends or family) to help me with these questions, because while it is not your story to gossip about among your circle these are questions to resolve within yourself.

    14. Did you meet through a matchmaker? Did you specify to the matchmaker what your dealbreakers were?

    15. I married down in my early twenties because I felt obligated to and felt sorry for him. Shocker, the marriage didn’t work out and it was so, so unfair and cruel for me to have married him. I thought I was saving his feelings by marrying in spite of my misgivings; of course now I recognize that continuing the relationship was far worse.

      Don’t be me. Thinking you’re better than someone isn’t something you get over or learn to live with; it builds resentment, and eventually you see every action as more proof of your own superiority.

    16. I would break up not because of his history but because you don’t seem like you respect him. You like having someone adore you for being “better” than him. Not a good way to start a relationship.

    17. I don’t know how you’re ever going to meet a man who meets your standards. If you “settle” for someone who is not living in your religious world and has actually had normal amounts of sex before he met you, I’m afraid it will always be an issue for you since you feel so strongly about it. Don’t torment someone like that. Stay single.

    18. I am going to be a bit kinder on the “marrying down” issue and ask you if it is that you actually feel that or if you believe others on the outside will see that. In my case, I am concerned that, until my friends and family truly get to know my SO, their interpretation will be that I am marrying “down”, but I do not feel that way at all after getting to know him. It is something to contend with but since I know how I feel about it, I know I am going to be confident in standing in my convictions and deflecting any of that nonsense. If you also feel that way, perhaps this is not the deal breaker everyone says. However, in your post you do seem to own that perspective, and combined with the concept of being the “adored”, it merits some deep consideration on your part. Honestly, I think your sheltered life and lack of experience are a detriment to you here and I wish you the best in making the life you desire in your 30s in the face of that.

  16. Does anyone have any experience supporting a parent or other family member through pancreatic cancer? From Dr. Google, the prognosis is dire — 5 year survival rate is 12%. I live several states away, married, work, and have teen kids. Thinking of relocating kids for the remainder of the summer to spend time with this grandparent / work remotely / help my parent (spouse can stay home with dog and deal with his own aging parent issues, which also require travel, but more chronic than acute) and support my other parent (who is hard of hearing and is just old, tires easily, and is under great emotional stress). I just don’t know what to do that is helpful and with such limited time. Luckily, I can work remotely and my company has an office in my parent’s state (not that I’d go to it, but it would mean they already pay taxes there and payroll is used to it).

    2. I wish I did – I’m sorry your family is going through this at what seems to be an already busy enough time in your life.

    3. one of the reasons pancreatic cancer has such a low survival rate is because it usually diagnosed at a later stage. so many hugs. i think working remotely when possible, if kids have relationship with grandparent, have them visit, and make sure parents have support systems in place for when you can’t be there.

    4. No experience with this particular cancer, but I did move to help my parent in the last few months of their cancer treatment (and sadly ultimately the last few months of their life) when I was in my 20s (pre-kids) and was SO glad I did, both to have the time with my parent and to support them in the transition – but I would not relocate your teen children. Have them visit, even for a few weeks, but the day to day of this situation will be very emotional and stressful for you and your other parent, and adding trying to manage your kids’ schedules and helping them with their emotional processing of the situation will not be helpful to anyone. I guess a lot depends on your family dynamic and expectations, your kids’ ages and relationship with your parent, but as a teen that would have been incredibly disruptive to me. Also, cancer treatment can be brutal and frankly visually disturbing in its effects on the patient. Not to mention the day to day process of dying (of course hoping that would not happen any time soon) is something that most people are not prepared for. Just my thoughts. So sorry you got this news and sending good vibes for a full recovery.

    5. I’m so sorry to hear about this.

      My Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. it is a devastating diagnosis. I became her caregiver, as my Dad had health problems of his own and was very disabled. I moved to them. Most people could never do this.

      It is absolutely wonderful to consider moving there with the kids temporarily. The one island of pure hope and joy in my mother’s life was looking forward to the very very rare visits of the grandchild.

      If you are there you might be able to go to doctor’s appointments and be her advocate. So important. And you can set up resources to help once you are gone.

      you wont regret it

    6. I’d think again about relocating teens the whole summer until you understand this more. Absolutely bring them for a visit but in home hospice care is trauma for everyone. Necessary, a great and beautiful gift, but protect your kids from it.

    7. Trying again without a verboten word:

      No experience with this particular cancer, but I did move to help my parent in the last few months of their cancer treatment (and sadly ultimately the last few months of their life) when I was in my 20s (pre-kids) and was SO glad I did, both to have the time with my parent and to support them in the process – but I would not relocate your teen children. Have them visit, multiple times, even for a few weeks, but the day to day of this situation will be very emotional and stressful for you and your other parent, and adding trying to manage your kids’ schedules and helping them with their emotional processing of the situation will not be helpful to anyone. I guess a lot depends on your family dynamic and expectations, your kids’ ages and relationship with your parent, but as a teen total relocation would have been incredibly disruptive to me. Also, cancer treatment can be brutal and frankly visually disturbing in its effects on the patient. Not to mention the day to day process of dying (of course hoping that would not happen any time soon) is something that most people are not prepared for. Just my thoughts. So sorry you got this news and sending good vibes for a full recovery.

    8. My dad had pancreatic cancer and the timeline between diagnosis and end of life was … not long (this is definitely not always the case). I think so much depends on the individual person and how things progress. For us we focused on making him comfortable, which included an anti-anxiety med for him he never previously had needed, along with the obvious pain meds, etc. He definitely loved just having us be there sitting with him.

      It’s sucks, but bless you for being there.

    9. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Make sure you ask your parent what they want; he or she may not want you to uproot your life. Agree with the advice not to move your teenagers. It takes tremendous patience to deal with a dying person and a grieving parent in unfamiliar surroundings. It’s more than anyone should be asked, let alone a kid. I want to relay to you what the hospice nurses told me: often when a person dies the family goes through a lot of turmoil. There can be a lot of resentment over sacrifices that different people have made or not made. At some point your parent will die (even if he or she survives pancreatic cancer). Your parent’s family will be part of their legacy so it’s important to keep it healthy.

      1. I’m the anon at 12:04 and yes to all this. The process stirred up a lot of family issues and caused/revealed rifts that are still healing a decade later. Add to that the flashbacks I had for years of seeing my parent as a very ill person where i provided messy, hands-on care rather than the vibrant person i had known (therapy helped!!!). I say this not to scare you, but it was a life changing experience in every way and I think we do ourselves a disservice when we don’t talk about these messy parts of the human condition.

        And start the hospice conversation before you need to. It was very difficult for my parent to “give up” (as they saw it) and enter hospice care, but palliative care is a really important part of treatment and a relief for caregivers to know that their loved ones are well cared for in terms of comfort through treatment, and if that comes through hospice in your system please see if you can frame it that way.

        1. My mother entered hospice with pancreatic cancer when the cancer spread to her liver. The choice was basically made for her because, at that point, the doctors would no longer continue chemo. I believe she lived about 2 weeks in hospice.

    10. My late father had pancreatic cancer. For whatever it’s worth: I don’t regret a single second that I spent with him or with our surrounding family. I wish I had spent more time there. (I’m East Coast and that part of my family is West Coast so it was not without logistical barriers to be there.) Sending you all kinds of love and warm wishes. I’m so sorry that you are in this club.

      1. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. I’m glad you had time with him before he passed.

    11. I think you should find out more about the diagnosis. Most times it’s dire, but sometimes it can actually be treated effectively (depends on the type of pancreatic cancer – my husband works with many pancreatic cancer patients).

      Also, some people are in the 12%. My father was diagnosed with a cancer with a 5% 5-year survival rate and he is still alive 8 years later, totally cancer free. I spent a ton of time with him and participating in his care and I have no regrets.

    12. Do you have any more information about what stage it is? That could be helpful for planning and timeline.

      I would definitely move there for the summer if possible but carefully consider taking kids along. Pancreatic cancer and it’s treatment tends to be painful and greatly diminishes the appetite. Your loved one may go through many physical changes quickly that might be distressing for kids. Whether or not they are getting surgery, I would focus on setting up the house for someone who is weak and debilitated. Getting grab bars in the bathroom, making things wheelchair accessible, is there a bedroom and bathroom on the first floor? Maybe a mini-fridge at the bedside for cold drinks and snack? Etc.

      Finding ways to help with nutrition can be helpful. People tend to do better with small frequent meals. Serving a small portion on a small plate that seems achievable is often better that serving a large portion that may seem unappetizing to people with stomach pain and nausea. This is a helpful list https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/pancreatic-cancer/pancreatic-cancer-nutrition

      Talking about their wishes at the end of life can be uncomfortable but is so worthwhile to do. I really like the Honoring Choices website to get a conversation started. Getting an advanced directive and/or POLST set up with the help of a PCP is a great thing to do while your loved one is still feeling well enough to make important decisions.

      Make sure they have a good medical team in place including a strong connection to the PCP and oncology team. Most oncology teams have nurse navigators who can help you coordinate medical care.

      I would have a frank discussion with the oncologist about risks and benefits (and approximately how much time each will buy you) of chemotherapy, radiation, and/or surgery if it is offered. Some people would prefer to extend life at the cost of discomfort from the above therapies. Other people would prefer to be more comfortable and not undergo painful and uncomfortable treatments to prolong survival. There are so many variables and each person and their values are different.

      I’m so sorry your family is going through this. Sending you love, support, and peace.

  17. Fashion help requested!! Can anyone help this fashion challenged, 37 year old size 14 person get an outfit together for Taylor Swift in Denver? While I’m a fan of Taylor, I would not consider myself a Swiftie by any means. I also haven’t been to a concert in 15 years, and it seems rather important to dress on a theme for this concert. I have been swamped at work so only now am I coming up for air and seeing that people have different groups
    of outfits……This is a friend’s milestone birthday celebration, so it is important that I go and important that I put some effort into my outfit. Budget is up to $250 for clothes, but ideally less than that. Thank you!!!

    1. Queen of Sparkles, for sure. Or a knock-off — that stuff is spendy but seems to resemble the pics from the Atlanta concert that I’ve seen (I am the bad parent who never thought to entry the fracas for tickets to this).

    3. I wore white jeans and a sequin top that my neighbor bought at tj maxx and I felt like I belonged

    4. I wore a “midnight blue” sparkly fit and flare dress with combat boots. Super easy and fun and still on theme. Bought the dress on Amazon for maybe $39.

      Other easy outfit is to replicate the T-shirt from the “22” video.

      Last easy option: wear something pink and sparkly and draw a sparkly heart around one eye.

    5. I wore a navy midi slip dress, jean jacket and silver cowboy boots. Festive, but things I’d wear again even if the boots are more for costumes and parties in the future. The other outfit I was considering was the Navy Star Lou and Grey sweater from Loft that looked like a navy dress dress taylor wore for a midnights event.

  18. Thank you to whoever mentioned babyccinos—can’t remember if it was here or on the Moms board. Tried it this weekend with my DD and she was fan. Hoping to make it a Saturday morning tradition :)

    1. I’m the solo mom who enjoys mornings with my toddler drinking a babyccino and me drinking a latte, sometimes in the backyard. I sprinkle some cinnamon on his and cardamom on mine. It’s a lovely ritual and he gets very excited about his coffee time with mama.

    2. That’s so cute. I used to get my kids what Sbux called vanilla steamers, although we went to a local place for them. Once they were old enough, I bought vanilla torani and they made their own. Still a special memory, but now they’re young adults and all about the real stuff.

      (Do young adults even drink hot coffee drinks anymore? Everything around here is iced coffee now)

  19. TW: pregnancy loss

    I posted last week that I was experiencing a miscarriage, and received really great support and suggestions from people here. I wanted to follow up and let you all know that, to my shock, when I went in for my scan we found that I had not lost the pregnancy. I truly did not believe you could have that amount of bleeding and not miscarry. I literally almost fainted when the ultrasound tech told me (probably would have had I not been lying down).

    We’re now awaiting NIPT results, which is very anxiety-inducing (under any circumstances, but I’m also 42), so not out of the woods with this pregnancy, but wanted to let you all know.

    3. Fwiw, I had a lot of bleeding w kid 2, thought it must be a miscarriage bc it was definitely more bleeding than kid 1 and kid 2 is almost 8 now. Like I was sitting on the toilet as blood spilled out of me. Even pregnancies that result in live babies involve various amounts of bleeding (and many other indignities…). I was 39 for kid 2 and the pregnancy was not uncomplicated, but resulted in a baby who is now a typical kid. Good luck! Hope everything goes well for you!

    5. A friend of mine had what was basically a normal period all the way through her pregnancy, every single month, and still delivered a healthy baby. All good thoughts and energy going out to you; I hope the testing brings good news.

    7. That’s great! I have had several friends with this experience (heavy bleeding in 1st tri but no loss) and I almost commented that on your post last week but didn’t want to either give you false hope or mis-trust your own knowledge of your body . But these friends went on to have healthy babies who are now healthy pre-and elementary schoolers, so fingers crossed for you!!

    9. I have a friend who had heavy bleeding during her pregnancy – she had a placenta issue but it resulted in a healthy full term baby. Good luck!

    10. Wow, what an update! I’m sending good thoughts your way, OP. Anecdotally, I do know several people who had this situation and ended up with healthy, full-term pregnancies.

  20. does anyone know southwest’s policy on traveling with a tennis racquet/bag? i went on their website and they have info on all sorts of equipment, including archery and javelins, but don’t see anything about tennis (i have to think there are more people flying with tennis equipment than javelins)

    1. I think the website discusses archery and javelin, because (unlike tennis rackets) those things are dangerous weapons and people aren’t sure whether they’re allowed on planes. Nobody would ever think a tennis racket is verboten. That said, I assume it has to fit in your normal suitcase/personal item, and you don’t get a separate bag for the tennis gear.

      1. At one point around 2001 tennis racquets were definitely considered weapons and could not be carried on.

  21. My boyfriend is awesome. I love him to pieces. It is the best relationship I have had. However.

    He has a number of objectively unhealthy habits that he constantly talks about fixing…but doesn’t. He will ask me to support him with (for example) avoiding cigarettes. But then when I gently suggest he not smoke that next one, he tells me it is the last one. He talks about “getting super fit again” but doesn’t want to work out or walk with me. He says he rarely has more than 1-2 drinks but drank 10 on Friday. When we garden, it takes him a day or two to recover. He is a divorced dad and his kids look so disappointed when he can’t ride a bike with them or take them to the theme park (too much walking). This man was actually recruited to a pro sports team at the age of 30 so he knows what healthy looks like.

    He is talking about next steps, like moving in together. I won’t ask him to change for me but I also don’t feel that I can take those next steps with someone with such poor health and habits. How do I explain this without making him feel criticized?

    1. Ooof, that’s a really heartbreaking situation. Can you couch it in a way that’s “Honey, I love you, and I want a future with you more than anything. But I’m very concerned about your long-term health and well-being. I know you want that for yourself, too, and it’s hard to see you not addressing those things. I love you and am not judging you or your body, but I am worried about you.” And see where it goes from there.

      1. Yeah. That’s binge drinking, and it’s more habitual-bordering-on-addictive than people like to admit. If not an outright breakup, I would not make any big future plans for the relationship. If the guy can’t fit in amusement-park rides, we’re probably talking about someone who is considerably overweight; that plus smoking plus binge drinking is definitive dealbreaker territory for me. This guy does not care about himself and/or has addiction issues, and that pretty much precludes him from being an active, involved, thoughtful partner, in my experience.

    3. I don’t know the answer, but don’t move in with him until this is resolved to your satisfaction, because it won’t change after. My husband also has some not great habits that he constantly says he’s “working on” — like not working out, eating more dessert than is healthy — but I realized that I love him and am happy with him just as he is now, and the habits aren’t bad enough to be deal breakers. Do not continue this relationship if you’re counting on him to change. He probably won’t.

      The thing that bothers me the most is what you said about drinking. If he can’t control his drinking, that’s a HUGE problem.

      1. Yeah, I’ve been with DH for 19 years (he was 31 when we met, 50 now). He’s been aware of his bad habits since day 1. They haven’t materially changed. Although the occasional heavy drinking that he did in his 30’s definitely got seriously reduced once we had kids. There’s some change that happens from maturity, other change that happens from changed circumstances (different job responsibilities, responsibilities for children), but people don’t change all that much.

    4. I would consider this a dealbreaker. I have zero patience for people unwilling to take control of their lives, and drinking 10 drinks and not being able to control that is a massive red flag. Plus I think smoking is disgusting. I would nope right out of that whole thing.

    5. Ten drinks?!? And in total denial about it. And is a grown ass man who is a father. This alone is a giant red flag, waving madly at you, and its message is “beware”. As for the rest of the lack of follow through issues, is there any chance that it’s arising out of the drinking?

    6. He will not change. Ultimately, you need to understand if this dynamic will work for you, forever. Sounds like you’re concerned about it. You could bring it up any time, but the next time he asks for help changing his behaviors, I’d respond “When you asked me to do that for (specific thing, like quitting smoking), I noticed that it wasn’t effective – you (specific thing, like continued to smoke even when I mentioned it). I’m not able to support you in those circumstances, so I’m going to decline.” You can also mention that it’s a pattern and ask him (curiously, not accusingly) about it. “I’ve noticed that you mention wanting to make lifestyle changes (drinking, fitness, and smoking), but I don’t see you taking any action on those changes. Have your wants and needs changed recently?”
      That said, if you want to support this relationship (again, knowing he won’t change), you can always do the fun exercise adjacent stuff with his kids – taking them to theme parks, bike rides, going to a park, etc. Not every parent has to be everything to their kids.

      1. Yup. This is who he is. If you stay with him, it is extremely likely that you are signing up for a lifetime of him talking about changing these habits but never quite getting around to it. You need to decide if it’s a price of admission you are willing to pay, or if it’s a dealbreaker.

        And also? It’s not your job to make sure he feels a certain way. He may well feel criticized when/if you break up with him because of this, and that’s a Him issue, not a You issue.

        1. +1. You have to decide if the good outweighs the poor health and habits, because he is not going to meaningfully change. For me, his habits would absolutely be a deal-breaker – 10 drinks in one night, smoking, needing multiple days to recover from having sex (I don’t even really understand what that means)… No thanks.

    8. Do not move forward with this man. I’m not judging any of his habits, but you are. And what a miserable way that must be for him to live. Don’t get serious with a man thinking you can change him. It doesn’t work. Many, many, many of us on here can attest to that!

      1. I am not judging him, and I promise you he is not miserable. He is still the best man I’ve found in 15 years of dating, so I will accept the price of admission. Frankly I would not have posted about any of this except he keeps ASKING ME to help him! I am nothing but supportive; I just do not want to move in so I can keep myself reasonably healthy vs absorbing all of his habits.

        1. Haha keep telling yourself that. Read what you wrote about amusement parks, biking, and gardening. Read it again.

        2. Different anon, and I agree that you’re not judging him, but I’m sorry how can you not be miserable if it takes you days to recover from (euphemistic) gardening?!?

          1. Because we do not live together. He recovers when I am not around, and I make myself scarce when his children are there and never spend the night.

          2. What does this ‘recovery’ involve – veging on the sofa? I think the point, OP, is if you move in together you WILL be around.

          3. OK, so the problem isn’t his habits or how you feel about them. The problem is the asking you to do X so he can do Y, and you doing X but he’s not doing Y. This is Lucy-with-the-football and you’re Charlie Brown. So fix the problem that you’re a part of and only that one: when he next asks, tell him nicely and politely and sincerely that you love him and you won’t be “supporting” him in the general sense without him supporting you, because it’s hurting you the way he’s doing it now. Say once he starts to do Y, if he has anything very specific he’d like you to do in that moment, then you’ll be as helpful as you can. So, he says he wants to get in shape and could you go on a daily walk after dinner with him, and he’s going to set an alarm on his phone to remind himself to walk? You say yes, but you don’t put down your phone until he’s standing at the door after dinner in his walking shoes. You don’t organize the walk, remind him about the walk, etc. Tell him that general “support” is making you stressed and anxious unnecessarily, so he should stop asking because it makes you feel bad when he’s not doing the Y. And you’re ok with him not doing the Y even if you’d prefer he’d do the Y.

        3. Sweetie, you have found what my friends and I, in our dating days, called a “Fix Me” man.

          They are good guys (or at least seem to be initially) and they’re very sweet and they’re really into you and they’re very loving and romantic and it seems great. Except they have ALL THESE PROBLEMS that they really just need the love of a good woman to fix. These can include:
          – Drinking too much
          – Smoking (tobacco or weed)
          – Over-indulgence in weed, in places where it’s legal
          – Over-indulgence in illegal drugs
          – Gambling
          – Overspending/poor money management
          – Career problems; not being able to hold down a job
          – Bad diet
          – Bad exercise habits/no exercise at all
          – Health problems that are concomitant with the above, like high blood pressure, obesity, etc.
          – Relationship problems with their ex-wife/baby mama
          – No idea how to parent their kids/bad relationships with their kids

          And usually it’s some combination of the above. They are such good guys! Really! They just can’t get their sh*t together and it’s because they don’t have any support and no one loves them. Or loves them enough. Or has enough patience with them. Or will do all the work and provide all the cheerleading and encouragement and make all the appointments and buy all the supplies so they can fix themselves. Etc. etc.

          Fast-forward five years. You’re with Mr. Fix Me; none of the habits have changed and in fact because of that, he has further problems to deal with. And now YOU are one of his problems because no matter what you did, or what you tried, or how hard you tried or what you gave up to make space for him, you couldn’t fix him. And it’s all your fault. If you had loved him more/tried harder/spent less time at your job/tried harder to make his ex get along with him/did all that freaky stuff in bed he wanted you to do, it would have boosted his self-esteem enough that he could have fixed his myriad problems. So now, you get to be trapped in a bad relationship with a guy who clearly cannot fix himself AND you get to shoulder the blame for everything that’s wrong with him.

          If that does not sound like fun to you – I speak from experience, it was not fun for me – then just get out now. Get out of this. He is a grown adult. If he wants to fix his life, he has the wherewithal and agency to do it. If he does not fix his life without your help, then he did not really want to do it. With or without your help, if he wants to fix himself he will do it. If he wanted to, he would. And p.s., if he really wants to change? He can do it while y’all are broken up and he’s not wasting your time and then you can always check in with each other and see if getting back together is possible – AFTER he’s done the work on HIS side to fix his own issues. Not before.

          1. Completely agree with this.

            He is asking you to take responsibility for his addictions.

            If he was pro whatever sport at age 30 and this is where he has gotten himself now… Just imagine him in 10 or 20 years. This trajectory is not going to get reversed.

      2. There’s judging and then there’s seeing the reality of the situation. OP doesn’t sound judgmental. She sounds concerned.

    9. When I was in my twenties, I married a man who smoked. We had a deal that he would quit when we got married. That was unsuccessful and we are divorced now — not just because of the smoking. When I started dating again, smoking was a deal breaker for me. I decided that whatever health habits guys had or didn’t have, I would need to be able to live with them as they are as the price of admission. This is a hard situation and I wish you luck.

  22. Hello! Now a few months on, I’m curious about who here has tried oz*mp1c or one of the other similar products. I’m particularly interested in negative experiences, since there is no shortage of amazing stories. Thanks!

    1. Am a year into Ozempic, have PCOS and insulin resistance. Other than reduced appetite and feeling ill if I overindulge in sugar, I have no more side effects now. I have lost 30 lbs in that year, the most I had ever been able to lose in the last 20 years was 10 and the minute I left whatever restrictive plan I used to lose that 10 I would gain 15. Had tried all the normal advice, had trainers, a nutritionist, medical advice, nothing else had worked for me.

      In the first 6 months, the day after injection I would often have nausea or digestive disturbances, but overall had a decent experience with it. My next follow up to review blood work is this week and we will be planning out if I start to wean off now or see if I can lose another 10 pounds first. The people I know who used this who had wild results are those who did not have PCOS or insulin resistance. They seemed to drop tons of weight fairly quickly. Mine has steadily dropped .5 to 1 pound a week while still living my life (which was already solidly healthy). This got my bloodwork back in normal ranges and got my BMI down from the obese level to just overweight. It would take another 30 pounds for the BMI to be normal, and the last time I was there I was active duty military and running 4-5 days a week and still struggling to stay in that range due to my body type, so I have mixed feelings on that ever being a real goal for me.

    3. I was on ozempic for 6 months until we restarted IVF. I’m now pregnant and cannot wait to get back on it. The negative, if any at all, was just the occasional need to – err – rush to the bathroom. Think just a quick onset upset tummy after eating something. That was it. Apart from that, I have nothing negative to say and would not attempt to dissuade you. The first month I was a little nauseous but that went away after a few initial doses (3ish weeks). The bathroom urges persisted, maybe 1-2x/week max, but was hardly a disruption to my overall life. As a sufferer of PCOS and someone who has tried basically every intervention short of surgery (I’ve lost over 200 lbs in my life, in chunks of 30-50 lbs at a time, at age 37), I’d take it again in an absolute heartbeat. It changed my mental state in addition to physical. No ragrets, as they say.

    4. I’ve been on Mounjaro for 8 months and have lost 75 pounds. Very little side effects except for needing a Tums every few days. This drugs are going to change a lot of people’s lives for the better. And I’m hoping shocks the healthcare system too!

    5. I have been on Ozempic since November 1. I have lost 41 pounds with a goal of 60. Like the poster below, I went through an urgent need to go to the bathroom initially, but not every time. It truly never caused issues…but a few good laughs with my husband. Otherwise, I’ve had absolutely no side effects. I have almost lost all desire/taste to drink alcohol. Not a bad thing…but sort of shocking and unexpected. It’s been a miracle for me and has totally changed my approach to eating, working out, grocery shopping, dinning out. I’m thrilled that I didn’t get rid of my smaller clothes and it’s been amazing to wear many of my favorite clothes again. Don’t forget to get the manufacturers coupon from their website. It redefined my cost by $200/month.

    6. Mounjaro here – only 4 weeks in. I’ve lost 12 lbs so far.

      I’ve learned that if I eat poorly (like when I had my usual road-trip treats of a bag of M&Ms and a pack of Twizzlers on a 7 hour drive last weekend), I will soon feel like I have food poisoning. That OMG, I need to puke, I might be dying, weak and shaky, can’t get out of bed feeling.

      The quieted “food noise” that the stories talk about is true for me. For me, that looks like going into the office once a week and knowing they have doughnuts and cookies and chips in the kitchen and NOT CARING! It’s practically magic! Normally I’d spend most of my day arguing with myself about going to the kitchen or rationalizing return trips to the kitchen. With Mounjaro, I just don’t care. It’s amazing. But yes, the nausea has been intense for me when I haven’t eaten lightly and healthfully.

      If you take one of these and get severe nausea, take a laxative (the generic you’re looking for is Senna-S). Your system can sometimes get so backed up that it upsets your tummy.

  23. How can I become a person who works out in the morning? The morning is the best time for me to exercise so I can get it out of the way, but I am rarely motivated to work out most mornings. I do wake up early 2x/week to work out with a personal trainer, but I need a routine for the other days of the week.

    1. For me having my workout clothes ready/ my workout planned in advanced has helped. It becomes a habit. If I’m floundering around still deciding whether I’m working out, finding my clothes, figuring out what workout I want to do 5 minutes after I wake up, it’s not happening, so I plan that all out the night before.

      1. This exactly. I make it as easy as possible on myself so I am more likely to do it.

        Also, while I have plenty of workout clothes, I am way more interested in putting them on when they are my favorite, comfortable, cute ones. Not the ugly but perfectly serviceable ones that no one but me will see anyhow. It felt wasteful, but allowing myself to ditch the fugly gear and replace it with stuff I love was more motivating than I would have expected.

      2. Same, and I really helps. Also, before I go to sleep, I think about the workout routine I will do the next day and try to get excited about it.

    2. As I get older, I need to really really get a great, full night’s rest the night before. I used to be able to just pull myself out of bed in the dark on pure willpower, but I’m just too tired for that nonsense now. The only other thing that works is having a workout buddy who is definitely waiting for me and who I don’t want to text at 6:30a to say I am skipping.

    3. I have found that it helped me build the habit to have the “good enough” approach. When it was still hard for me to wake up and workout, I had a series of easy things I could always make myself do – brisk walk instead of a full run, a relatively simple ab/weight routine instead of an all out resistance workout push; a modified version of my PT. Over time as I got used to the schedule, I intensified the workouts. But knowing that I could decide to just walk eliminated my ability to tell myself it was just too much that early in the day!

      1. This is my approach too. Consistency over intensity. Now I really miss it if I don’t work out. I workout at home and sleep in something I can wear to work out in and that makes it easier too.

    4. I used to tell myself that 8 a.m. Me was going to be so grateful to 6 a.m. Me for getting up and exercising. And I always made sure that 8 a.m. Me properly thanked 6 a.m. Me so the behavior was reinforced. Silly, I know, but it kinda worked.

      1. In a similar vein, I would tell myself that I only had to run for 10 minutes, and could turn around if I was still not feeling it. I think I only actually turned around once or twice in 8 years of early morning runs, sometimes in rain or snow.

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