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Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Adalia Wool-Crepe Dress

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Roland Mouret Adalia Wool-Crepe Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Wow. Net-a-Porter has a number of Roland Mouret dresses and I kind of love them all. This one gets the featured spot because of all those interesting details — the “precision paneling” that defines the waist and hip, yes, but also the faux slit/wrap effect on the front, the luxe look of stretchy wool crepe, and that light gray, almost lavender color. It's almost sold out, so if you have $2390 to spend on a dress (or you're expecting Santa to be very good to you this year), then you'd better hurry. Roland Mouret Adalia Wool-Crepe Dress Here are a couple of lower-priced alternatives and a couple of plus-size options. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 4/24/25:

  • Nordstrom – 7,710 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event: 30% off your entire purchase, including 100s of new arrivals
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
  • Boden – 25% off everything (ends 4/27) (a rare sale!)
  • The Fold – Up to 25% off
  • Eloquii – Spring Clearance: Up to 75% off + extra 50-60% off sale
  • J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Up to 60% off sale styles + up to 50% off summer-ready styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 15% off $100 + extra 20% off $125
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – 3 pieces for $198. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Friends & Family Event: 30% off entire purchase, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

209 Comments

  1. Just wondering whether anyone thinks 60% off cashmere at AT is worth it, or whether I should just focus on places like talbots and Lord & Taylor for good cashmere

      1. I remember reading on here that Halogen cashmere isn’t great quality either. At what % discount would you buy it?

        1. I’ve had great luck with Halogen. I got several during Nordstroms’ sale, and they have held up beautifully. AT however, pilled after just one wear

        2. Halogen for 50% off is worth it. I have one Halogen cashmere sweater that I wore somewhat infrequently (maybe twice a month for the winter?) last year, and it has held up well going into this winter. A second one that I wore to death (once a week, probably) looks kind of sad and has been relegated to weekends-only wear.

        3. I don’t like Nordstrom cashmere at any price. Halogen pills and is “disposable” cashmere, IMHO, because it looks icky after only a few wearings. Would love to hear if the hive has any different feelings, but that’s where I am on it. ;)

          1. I bought Halogen cashmere at 40-50% off last season, and it has pilled quite a bit and it’s a pretty loose weave. I don’t think I’d buy it again.

    2. I have one AT cashmere sweater and it has stretched out of shape quite badly and lost its handfeel to the point that it’s a fuzzy mess. My cashmere sweaters from Lord and Taylor are a thicker, keep their shape but also lose a bit of handfeel. My favourite cashmere comes from Talbots, and I love that they always have great colours every season. Lord and Taylor and Talbots also have great sales (Lord and Taylor cashmere is 40% off at The Bay right now if you live in Canada), so I’d say it’s worth waiting.

    3. How long do you need to keep it? If you don’t mind only getting one season’s worth of wear out of the sweater and you can get it for a bargain price, I’m not sure the quality matters so much.

    4. Not worth it. I think they have also increased their prices just so they can offer the high discounts.

  2. I can barely wear short sleeves w/o freezing in my office in the summer and today is a 3-layer day (cami for warmth, l/s shirt, l/s sweater; I don’t care that sweaters are much more casual that my usual attire: girlfriend doesn’t do her best when she’s freezing).

    This is a lovely dress and I love dresses. But what to put overtop of this that would look good with it (and not frump it up)? There needs to be one sleek (black?) jacket (lapels? collarless?) that will go over everything so that it makes sense as a winter outfit. Otherwise, I would cry if I were given this dress and had to layer a turtleneck underneath. So unfair to the dress.

  3. Quick question about holiday card etiquette. I left my firm a few months ago to move to a new state and for a government job (I was in private practice). I left on very good terms and have many close friends there. Do I send a Christmas card to everyone that I was close with there (dozens), or just one card to my former legal assistant who can show it to everyone?

    1. I would send to the assistant, maybe making a note inside that you miss everyone there and hope she’ll pass on your holiday greetings.

    2. I would probably send one to the assistant, but perhaps to some folks who may have been particularly helpful senior coworkers/partners/mentors?

    3. Why not send it to everyone? What’s the harm? A Christmas card is the most non-intrusive, friendly way to stay in touch.

      1. I would definitely send individual cards to as many people as you could. That way, they talk about you fondly!

          1. Cosign–this is a great networking strategy, and it’s not fake or forced. It really helps people pick up the phone to chat with you years later. Take the hour or so and address a bunch of cards. Worth it, particularly because this is a firm and people will scatter over the next few years!

    4. I think if you feel you were close to dozens of people you’re probably not doing a great job of calibrating your social interactions. I would send to your secretary and the partners you were closest to and anyone else you have actually communicated with since leaving.

      1. As an extrovert that has many friends and just a few besties, I disagree with this analysis.

    5. I left my firm earlier this year and am in a similar situation. I sent a card to the office addressed to the firm for everyone (I know that these cards gets displayed in the lunchroom for everyone to see), and then a card to the homes of 5 of my closest colleagues from the old firm that I still see and talk to.

  5. I’m going to an old friend’s wedding this weekend- I think the expectations of guests are a little absurd and I’m wondering what others think. So this is a huge wedding with three events. The night before the wedding/ reception, there’s this thing that’s basically all about getting the guests to get together and prepare a skit about either the bride or the groom’s childhood/college/post college life or about the two of them in recent years since they met. Alternatively we could write a song for them. This event is supposed to run several hours on the night before the wedding. I recently got emails saying that they also want to do a choreographed dance at the reception. The emails included instructional videos with the steps, and we were admonished to know the steps when we showed up that day, because the 4 hour break we’d have between wedding and reception would only be enough to do basic group coordination things and not to learn the steps. I’ve gotten a ton of emails from a bunch of different involved people, and they’re really pushing to get everyone involved in both of these activities, because “it will just be SO SPECIAL!” I really do care for my friend, but I’m not a singing/dancing in public kind of girl, and honestly I didn’t think she was either. I’ve already bought expensive plane tickets across the country, booked a hotel for 3 nights, and both DH and I are taking time off work. And I got them a nice gift. Not to mention I work like 16 hour days 7 days a week and just don’t have time to write a skit/song and learn a dance for them. I feel like that’s enough, but there appears to be a lot of pressure to get involved, and I don’t want to be the one who makes it not-special or creates an issue. It appears from the deluge of emails I’m getting that I’m about the only person who’s not into it. Am I being unreasonable or overly grumpy about this? Should I just suck it up and try to do this thing for my friend? I’m really leaning no way in hell on the latter question. Thoughts?

    1. “Oh no, I got a bit sick the week before the wedding, so I’ll need to stay in the night before to make sure I’m in party mode for the special day!”

      You’re a saint for even still thinking of going to this wedding and not using your days off work for a getaway instead.

      2. +1

        Since you’re flying cross county, use jet-lag as an excuse. Say you need to get some rest so you’ll be refreshed and ready to enjoy the wedding.

      4. These people sound like the worst. Hold your ground. Your friend should be happy you came to her wedding. If she’s upset about this, she’s also the worst.

    2. +1. Are you in the bridal party, or will you just be a guest? I think this level of involvement is ridiculous enough to ask from your bridesmaids. It is utterly absurd to expect that from every single guest.

      1. I’m just a guest. We’re childhood friends and still keep in touch. I’m very fond of her, but we’re not close like she’s my best friend or anything. She has a couple of friends that are organizing all this, but it’s at her request. They’re just very persistent and pushy, and I’m feeling a ton of pressure. It’s weird because my friend is so sweet and thoughtful that I can’t imagine her being so demanding, but it’s not like this is going on without her complete knowledge of everything, as I see her copied on all of the emails that she didn’t send herself. I don’t think she’d mind if I didn’t participate, but I’m concerned about being physically and otherwise dragged into things by one of her other friends (not mutual ones)

        1. Maybe this is some kind of tradition from her college sorority or some other group of friends and you are just on the email list because she didn’t want you to feel left out?

          I’m with everyone else – I’d bow out of this song and dance part. Do it on the email chain – maybe there are others on that thread that also are feeling the same way but no one is willing to be the first.

          Or as a compromise, maybe you could offer to go the evening before and help write lyrics as her as a kid, but not perform in the songs/skits/dances?

    3. This would irritate me, too. Who’s orchestrating all of these activities? Is the wedding couple asking people to make up skits about them and learn a dance, or some other old friend/maid of honor? If everyone else is into it, there will be plenty of content and participants without you and I don’t think you’ll be missed if you’re just sitting in the back laughing and clapping. At least, that’s how I would justify not participating.

    4. I would be very grumpy and put out about it too. That seems a bit over-the-top. I agree that it may be ok for bridal party, but all the guests???

      I also agree that you’re reaching saintly status for even considering going through this. The last wedding festivities I attended that involved day-before-stuff was a rousing game of flip cup deep into the night after the rehearsal. And that was pushing it!

    5. Man this sounds totally excessive. I understand when these requirements are heaped upon the bridal party (still excessive but you agreed to put in extra effort). but as a guest, no way.

      FWIW, I was once at a wedding where it was strongly encouraged for everyone to be in a flash mob. It was an indian wedding so people were choreographing and practicing around the events held in the days leading up to the wedding. Honestly, I just skipped the practices and when the actual dance happened, I just was so enthusiastic in my seat (clapping and cheering) that it wasn’t as noticeable that I wasn’t in the dance.

      Also, don’t be too hard on the friends organizing it – it sounds like this is something coming from the bride and they’re just trying to be good friends to her and orchestrate her wishes. (Sweet and formerly undemanding friends can often turn into nightmare brides…)

    6. This is the sort of thing where I would just straight-up ignore these emails. If anyone has the temerity to actually push you on it, just say, as sweetly as possible, “I’m just not the public performance type!” and nothing more than that (no further excuses, nothing). I suspect no one will (in direct interaction with you) push it beyond that.

    7. You would be doing her a huge favor to politely take her aside and point out how insane she is being. There is no way you’re the only guest having this reaction.

    8. Hahahahahahaha.

      This wouldn’t bother me at all because it’s so clearly beyond the pale I would have no difficulty just not doing it. Also if you have a big gap between your ceremony and reception I’m using that time for hotel sex.

    9. Is your friend South Asian? It seems to me that this kind of wedding-related activity could have a cultural basis. I’ve been to a Hindu wedding that fits this description almost precisely.

      That doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to participate, however!

      1. She is South Asian and so am I, so I’m aware of the cultural issues associated with this. That’s why I don’t think it’s excessive or problematic as such (although personally I eloped and wouldn’t be caught dead having any kind of wedding celebration, much to the horror of my parents). I’m not concerned about my friend being upset or anything like that- I’m just concerned that I won’t be able to gracefully excuse myself. I think the other friends might make a fuss and call attention to it, basically asking me to do this as something special for my friend.

        I personally find the whole thing not my speed, and I’m not traditional in general, but no issues with the celebration itself. I just don’t want to be forced into anything is all. Not sure how to manage that.

        ETA: this is nothing like any Hindu/Indian wedding I’ve ever been to, and I’ve been to a ton. She’s from a different part of India, though, and I’ve also never attended such a wedding in the US. So it’s a little hard for me to understand, although I give her a pass on all this.

        1. I don’t think you can claim a nagging ankle injury or something like that without being called out. So, in this case honesty (you don’t like performing, you work crazy hours) is the best choice.

        2. Thank you for bringing up the cultural issues. The only thing I could think of was hopes for going viral on YouTube, but this does shed a bit more light on the situation.

          Thank you!

        3. I gotta say, this is more elaborate than any Indian or Pakistani wedding I’ve been to, even the one that went on for four days was more like four days of eating and hanging out with occasional breaks for ceremonies and henna. I was part of the grooms processional in (bc he had FAR fewer guests) and that was fun, but we definitely didn’t rehearse it.

          I don’t know, I think just being honest is going to be your best bet here. Like “I really HATE dancing in front of people and I won’t do well, but I promise to clap and cheer enthusiastically from the audience.”

      2. I was thinking something similar. When a Hindu friend of mine got married (in the US) it was a 3+ day event. One of the events involved mostly the women gathering at a community center and we sat on the floor picnic-style, ate lots of yummy food, and the bride’s friends and relatives performed songs and dances for her. Mostly dances that apparently we taken straight from Bollywood movies. It was very fun, but all performances were STRICTLY voluntary.

        I’d probably participate in a large flash-mob-type dance thing, but I wouldn’t put a lot of time into learning things beforehand unless I really wanted to. And, full disclosure, I’ve danced in community theater shows as part of a large ensemble, so I’d probably enjoy the chance to do something like that again. But I really wouldn’t worry that I wasn’t at Tony-quality levels for it.

        I also agree with whoever said above that this is so over-the-top, I would have no problem cheerfully and politely declining to participate.

    10. So when I planned my wedding, I invited all my out-of-town guests to my rehearsal dinner the night before because, I figured, they had traveled so far and were paying for hotel rooms and I should feed them. And then the next morning a bunch of people did brunch kind of organically together. And I’ve been to a couple South Asian weddings where there were several days of activities – which was especially nice at one of them since we were in the middle of nowhere and there was literally nothing ELSE to do.

      But this sounds like she’s just trying to plan a wedding that will go viral on YouTube. I would just not reply to the emails, not show up to the dance class and if she asks later, just say there were scheduling difficulties. She probably won’t notice.

      (Also, this is beyond the pale but what are you going to do?)

    11. You should absolutely bow out and don’t worry about it. Don’t do anything you are uncomfortable with. That said, I just want to take a minute to stick up for non-traditional weddings. This couple is not “awful” for asking you to do something like this. I attended a wedding where the bridesmaids had choreographed a huge dance number for the bride (who was a professional dancer.) They also planned a simple dance for us, the grooms’ friends, to do on the night before. We were all terrible at it, which turned out to be hilarious and one of the highlights of the weekend for us.

      1. This. I’m sure you’re not usually a dance in public type, and it’s embarrassing yada yada, but why not just go with it, learn the steps enough to participate and just have fun with it? You might surprise yourself by stepping out of your comfort zone and end up having fun. Probably a lot more fun than being a grump in the bathroom or hallway somewhere.

      2. While I have nothing against people doing this who want to do it, I want to add that there should be no expectation that other people will join you. More importantly, there should be no snide comments/shaming of people who don’t want to do it.

        If all of you know each other from a dance class and love doing this, then by all means. But don’t try to guilt the one introvert into doing this when she politely declines. I have been dragged into doing skits/dances for company retreats and stuff since summer camp in 6th grade. I have hated it every. single. time. And I know that I’ll hate it next time, so please, respect my idea of what is fun/not fun and let me be!

        1. Yeah, this is what I’d prefer. Just because I don’t want to sing and dance doesn’t make me a grump, nor does it mean I’m not willing to try something new. I do that in other ways, and I’d like my boundaries to be respected. But we shall see!

          1. Yeah, if I were you, I’d say “thanks but no thanks, I’ll be cheering you guys on!” and just leave it at that.

    13. I hear you gal, I am Indian and have my wedding next year. My future MIL wants me to do a choreographed dance, I am mortified !! Her other DIL did it and now I am expected as well. I absolutely hate dancing in public, unless it is a dark night club and I am sufficiently buzzed up. Seriously the whole Indian wedding planning is stressing me out insanely. I just want to go to city hall, get married and be over with it. I agree, put your foot down and refuse to do it.

  7. I’m fair-skinned with medium blonde hair on the gold rather than ashy side, and I think this color would do me no favors at all.

    1. agree–not so good for the girls who are kind of monochrome-light. I’ve got highlighted sandy blonde hair and fair skin. Not pretty ivory/lily-white, nor rosy/peachy. Just fair. Sometimes delightfully sallow. This is not the right color gray for me.
      THe cut is just weird too. I don’t mind the detailing at the top, but the faux slit is just not becoming.

  9. Does anyone ever ask for feedback for why they weren’t selected for a job that was more or less a perfect match, the interview went extremely well, and the other candidates just weren’t as qualified? I do actually have fairly good information on this, and I know they were impressed. It’s a little frustrating and confusing.

    1. Why would you do this? They liked you, they just liked someone else more. You won’t get valuable feedback and you’ll turn a positive feeling (we really liked her maybe next time) into an awkward avoidance situation.

    2. No. It’s not a relationship or breakup. It’s a job interview. Being the most qualified often doesn’t have anything to do with it. There’s nothing to “learn” other than you didn’t get the job, which you know.

    3. I have, several times, if I felt a particular rapport with an interviewer. But I always get the same basic response “we thought your resume was very strong, you interview very well, we had another candidate with more [xyz].”

      Honestly, I think a better approach is if you really liked a person you interviewed with, wait a couple months for them to finish their process and then reach out to them in a networking way and ask to have coffee because you’d like to discuss their career track. They will likely naturally give you feedback while also discussing how they got where they are and the contacts *they* made. Some of my best networking contacts have been made this way.

      1. Once I asked when I knew it was down to me and another candidate and I was trying to break into the sector. It was for a federal government job, and the interviewer did explain that they have certain hiring priorities for persons from under-represented groups, so that’s why they decided the way that they did, and she did give me good advice for continuing to break into the sector (which helped).

    4. if this is how you are going into it, you’re likely not to get much out of any feedback they give you. so, don’t ask. it’ll just make you more annoyed/angry/bitter.

    5. You can do this as long as you don’t convey any hint of entitlement or resentment in your tone. Frame it as looking for suggestions for how you can become a more attractive candidate for similar positions next time. And if they agree to give you feedback, you cannot use this as an opening to argue about their decision. You can only say thank you.

      1. I did this, and found it fairly useful. The contact told me that the person they selected had a lot of the same qualifications as me, just more years in practice. But more importantly, she gave me advice as to what areas of my practice I should focus on developing if their job (or one like it) was my goal, so I thought it was very helpful.

    6. I know AskAManager has talked about this on her blog, when and how to ask for feedback.

  10. Only 2 weekends before Christmas. What’s your confession??

    I am not a wild child and I never have been. I bought a pretty sparkly sheath dress for a christmas party this past weekend. It fit better without a br@. I’ve never gone out in public sans br@.

    The real confession: I decided to delight the hubs and go sans culottes, and only thigh-high stockings. I felt so scandalous!

    3. i hadn’t done anything quite so taboo in all of our 10 + years of marriage. was definitely fun.

  11. I would totally wear this dress.

    Wedding etiquette question: my partner and I are planning a small (under 25 people) wedding for this summer. We’re hosting it ourselves, and we weren’t planning on having any kind of pre-wedding shower.

    At church yesterday, some of the older ladies were asking me about the wedding and enthusiastically supporting our plans to keep things very intimate. One woman unexpectedly suggested that I have a shower in her GORGEOUS downtown apartment, which includes a terrace overlooking one of the city’s major public parks. I thanked her and said I’d think about it.

    She followed up yesterday evening with an email reiterating the seriousness of her offer and that she was happy to host a non-shower party as well. She said that in her experience, “the smaller the wedding, the more ancillary parties you need–people want to celebrate with you!”

    What do you think? I am tempted to take her up on her generosity, because I am sure that it would be a lovely event, but I would want to make it very clear that it was just a party, *not* a shower–ie, “your presence is present enough.” I would probably also lean towards making such an event a potluck, because sharing food is great and generous hosts shouldn’t be overburdened.

    Would you feel strange about being invited to a pre-wedding non-shower potluck party but not being invited to the (very teeny) wedding itself?

    1. I’d be inclined to take her up on her offer after the wedding, so it can be a party to celebrate your recent marriage. Less implication that gifts would be expected, I think.

    2. Yes; can you do something after the event? I think parties/receptions after smaller weddings for “everyone else” to come to are more common and might reduce potential for awkward?

    3. No, I love that idea. I would love the chance to celebrate with my friends and honestly any excuse is a good enough excuse for a party. I think making it a potluck and/or specifying no gifts would make it clear that you aren’t just trying to get extra presents–maybe “rather than a gift, bring a drink or dish to share”… I’m biased because I love potlucks, but in short, I think this is a great way to keep the wedding tiny while also celebrating with a bigger group! And how generous of this lady.

      ETA: I agree with the commenters above that post-wedding would work well too!

    4. Yes. I’d think that was really rude. You don’t care enough about me to want me at your wedding. Totally fine. I don’t then actually want to celebrate you at a party. Certainly not a pot luck party! And in my experience “no gift showers” don’t actually work.

      If I want to celebrate with you and I’m not invited to the wedding, I will invite you to dinner.

      I agree with everyone else. If you must have you cake and eat it too at least make this a post wedding thing.

      And not pot luck. You don’t throw a party in celebration of yourself and make other people bring the food!

      1. This is unnecessarily harsh. The OP clearly understands that she has a small wedding and is ok with that; the question is more how to respond to someone who offered to throw a party for her. There’s enough actually selfish bridezillas out there to chew out without having to target someone well-meaning.

        1. She asked what we think! I think it’s rude.

          There are many lovely reasons to have a small wedding. If you do so, I think you forgo lots of parties and celebrations. That’s really not harsh.

          Caring about other values more than celebrating with lots of people makes perfect sense to me. Then also trying to celebrate with lots of people does not.

      2. It’s so interesting that we have such different reads on this idea! In my social circle (mid/late twenties, mostly lawyers/govt, hcol city) we do potlucks all the time for birthday/holiday/friendsgiving/regular dinner parties. I’ve never thought of it as making other people bring the food, but I guess it could come off that way!

        1. I think pot lucks work perfectly in most of those circumstances (I would exclude birthdays but not with fervor). But when you invite people to a party the purpose of which is celebrating you, you should host them.

        2. Ugh, I went to a potluck this weekend and decided never again. I spent $40 and a good portion of my Saturday working on the food (not a complicated dish, but lots of it). If I’m going to invite people over, I will commit to feeding them. Don’t invite 45 people to your house and expect other people to do your cooking for you and help defray the costs. This was an early 30s/many lawyers/hcol city party. My feeling is that by this point in life, committing to hosting a party means committing to pay for it, including a food solution. If you don’t want to or don’t have room to cook for all of your guests, cater.

          End of rant. I think the post-wedding party is fine, but food needs to be provided.

          3. +1

            I hear “pot luck” and my heart sinks at this point. Just yesterday one member of our friend group sent an invite for a “friends Christmas dinner” this weekend. Great idea! By the end of the day the invite had morphed from a few friends having dinner to even more friends, plus everyone’s SO, and had become a potluck. Gah.

            I do think it can be more successful/easier on everyone if the host commits to providing the main part of the meal- meat or whatever- and guests bring sides/deserts.

          4. Agree with the no potluck. I routinely turn down invitations from a particular friend who wants to make everything a potluck, and before we know it, our casual plan of drinks and watching the game has turned into a seven course feast with me having to make a separate long drive to the store to buy all sorts of food I would never otherwise have, including all the little add-ins that cooking requires, and then spending all of my limited free time cooking. Pass. I’ll go out with friends who want to go out to dinner–it’s cheaper, it tastes better, and it puts the focus on the socializing time rather than the solo prep time.

      3. I would find this very rude too. I can’t imagine having a party for myself for my wedding and not invite those guests to the actual wedding. And a potluck too! Gah. Then again, I’m South Asian and we invite everyone to our wedding. If I did something like my relatives would be talking ill of me for the next several years! If you must do this, do it post-wedding, cater it and specify absolutely no gifts.

    5. I think it would be ok only if this was common with other people in your church circle – for instance, my MIL goes to showers all the time for women at her church, and their children, knowing she isn’t invited to the wedding – that’s just what they do. If the ladies of your church do something similar, and its ok with all involved, that’s fine – but I wouldn’t throw a party with friends outside of church at this lady’s apartment.

      1. Oh yeah I actually agree with this. A church lady shower is fine if it’s customary at your church.

      2. This is VERY common in our church circle. An unwritten rule is that you invite all of the older church members who you have known since you were small. (Bible school teachers, choir teachers, bake sale assistants, etc.) Unless they are related to you, the likely will not attend the wedding. However, they LIVE for teas, showers, garden parties…basically any daytime event that they can bring out their embroidered tablecloths and use their nice crystal.

        I would agree to the event, try to downplay the present aspect if possible or suggest a stock the pantry party (they love this as well.) Take cues from the hostess as to whether it is a pot luck or she would like to see to the food herself. She may have pages from cookbooks dogeared already to dole out to her friends to help. Your best bet may be to give her carte blanche on the entire event and only help on the guest list.

    6. The after the fact idea works, but I also think that if this woman is part of a discrete social group that would not be invited to the wedding but would want to celebrate with you (I’m thinking of my mom’s “church lady” friends who would have probably NOT made the cut if I had had such a small wedding) then I think a pre-wedding shower with just that group would be nice and not really feel like a present grab, especially since you know them all well enough that they understand your small wedding preference.

      I think the key is just not to make people feel like they’re being invited to a party just so you can get a present from them even though they’re not “important” enough to make the guest list (which I know isn’t what is happening but people feel like that sometimes.)

    7. I think a <25 wedding is small enough to qualify as an elopement and that it's OK to have a big party after an elopement.

      Most of my elopement friends these days do a destination wedding with just parents / siblings / grandparents (often b/c one side of the family is west coast so it's easy to get everyone to Las Vegas) then have a party when they come back. It's such a relief not to be invited that we are happy to go a party in our town.

    8. I would feel weird being invited, to be honest. I think if you’re going to do it, you should provide the food – no potluck. If you’re poor then I think a potluck is probably OK, but if you’re an establish career woman, you can afford catering (people are going to bristle at being asked to chip in for a 32 year old corporate lawyer’s shower vs a 22 year old social worker’s). Though I guess that also brings in some other weirdness – if it’s a shower, then you definitely are not “allowed” to throw it yourself, so if your host wants it to be a potluck, so be it. Maybe you could call it an “engagement party” instead of a shower and specify no gifts.

      1. Yes, a post-wedding party is – in fact – completely fine per Emily Post. (Link to follow.) No gifts are expected. I for one would love to go to this type of party.

    10. I would think it was unbelievably rude- sorry to sound harsh! But there would be two big problems- 1) everyone invited to a shower (or any prewedding event) should be invited to the wedding. If you have a small wedding (which sound lovely) you give up those prewedding events. The exception being like people mentioned, the church lady shower. and 2) the potluck- you cant ask people to make you food for an event like this. Its one thing to do it for a bbq when you are providing the event space and its a casual get together, but asking people to make you food for a wedding event turns them into hosts- its really presumptuous.

      My third consideration would be- as beautiful as the apartment may be, I would only accept an invite like this from someone I was pretty close to. Its an extremely generous offer, and I wouldn’t really feel comfortable unless they were pretty close to me. I just think too much could go wrong. For instance if she offered this and you said “thank you so much, I accept and lets make it potluck” I think you could absolutely ruin the relationship you have with her if she would be offended by that, as many hosts would.

    11. In the context you’ve described, I think this is a lovely and generous offer that you should accept. Your hostess clearly wants to do it, there are clearly women at church who know you are having a small wedding but would love to attend a shower, and if you feel uncomfortable with the gift element, you should ask that it be a “no gifts” party. You can call it a tea or a luncheon, instead of a shower, and it will be a lovely event. I would let your hostess basically shape the guest list (i.e., make it her friends or church people, rather than your work colleagues!), and let the hostess dictate the menu. I suspect she’s done this many times before and has a plan for how it will work.

      In my churchy family, this is a fairly common thing. My aunt, for example, has a lovely home and can throw a shower/tea/lunch/dinner for 75 people at basically the drop of a hat. Offer to help, of course, but I’d let your hostess do her thing and then contribute a beautiful hostess gift and write lovely thank you notes.

    12. I’m faintly appalled by this notion – to me, you shouldn’t invite people to ancillary parties if they don’t get invited to the main event. But I know that cultures vary.

    13. Thanks, guys, for all the feedback and ideas. Much appreciated!

      I think you are all spot-on with the “If you have to do it, do it after the wedding” suggestion. I will keep mulling over that scenario and perhaps see if the would-be host is interested in going that route.

      Thanks, too, to those who expressed concerns about the potluck idea. Potlucking is definitely a staple in the church lady circle, and I’ve been to several other potluck functions hosted by this same woman (including birthday parties), so I just assumed that it’d be easier for all involved. I did also like the way that bringing a dish seemed like it would fulfill the “I’m contributing!” instinct for people who don’t appreciate being told “No gifts, please.” But yes–definitely worth further consideration.

      1. Given all this, I’d just accept her offer of a shower and only invite your church lady crew.

  12. How long does it normally take Last Call to ship merchandise? I bought the jacket that was featured here on Dec 5th and my order still shows as “In process” even though my credit card was charged on the 5th.

    I may be spoiled by the quick ship of Amazon and a few other places, and have no perspective on how long things should really take to get to me.

    1. I usually get shipments super quickly from them – like, within 2-3 days. I’d call customer service and ask, maybe they are backed up because of the holidays.

  13. Real estate newbie question: I think my husband and I are finally taking the house-buying plunge. Are we supposed to get pre-approved for a mortgage? And if so, how do I choose a bank to do this? (Google is not so helpful…it just comes up with a bunch of “get pre-approved now!” ads)

    1. Yes you should get pre-approved, but in the end you don’t have to finance with the bank who pre-approves you, so just get pre-approved with whomever.

    2. You don’t have to, but sometimes it helps to use a bank that you already have an affiliation with (deposit account, car loan, etc.) Also, you can ask your real estate agent. Sometimes they have loan officers they like to work with and it helps make the closing process a little smoother.

      1. It can also help to have your pre-approval be from a well known institution in your community. The buyer’s agent is more likely to question a pre-approval from an oddly-named online lender than from Wells Fargo.

    3. Yes, get pre-approved, it makes things go much more smoothly when you actually buy, and it also helps you have a good understanding of what your ceiling is. We got pre-approved and took out a mortgage with the bank that has all of our accounts – easy and they had good rates. I found different branches (in our case, downtown near my office vs midtown near our home at the time) had varying quality, though. The person who handled our pre-approval at the downtown branch seemed very junior and made a pretty stupid mistake. We also had to wait longer for those appointments. The person at our midtown branch was much better and more trustworthy. The midtown branch was smaller and less busy, but used to handling real estate and very large transactions (super ritzy neighbourhood, so our down payment was practically grocery money to some of the titans of industry in the area).

    4. I am buying my first house this month and the process (even as, or perhaps especially as, a detailed oriented lawyer) is crazy confusing. Find a good real estate agent that will hold your hand through the whole process –searching, offering, negotiating, inspection, mortgage application, home owners insurance, closing, post-closing recommendations for contractors, etc. You want someone who knows her/his stuff and has been around in your particular area for a long time. As for the pre-approval, you should have one now, but also know that if you are going to make an offer for X amount, you’ll want to get that pre-approval letter re-done for just X amount and so on and so on for counter-offers, etc. as the negotiation continues. I found it easiest to work with my current bank for pre-approval since they had all the info about my funds (and would re-do and send pre-approval letters via email very quickly), but am actually using a local bank for the mortgage at the end of the day. Good luck!!

    5. I think this depends on where you are. We didn’t, but we live in a city in the Midwest where real estate is not crazy competitive like say New York or DC. We bought a new build and just called up a mortgage lender and got a mortgage. I had sat down and figured out what we could afford/would likely be approved for beforehand, but we were not preapproved and the builder didn’t seem to care either way.

    6. We got pre-approved. Find a mortgage lender recommended by someone you know and trust. Meet with mortgage lender and give them all your financial stuff. They will then be able to pre-approve you for a loan. We worked with our real estate agent and mortgage lender when we put offers on houses – the lender wrote a letter stating we were pre-approved for the amount of the offer (not up to X amount, because then the seller knows your bottom line). It worked for us in a very tight housing market. I think it might be hard to be competitive in a multiple-offer situation without pre-approval.

    7. Thanks, everyone! Looks like we’re going bank-hunting this week. We’re in Boston, so reasonably competitive market.

  14. I accidentally washed my leather gloves lined with cashmere. There’s no saving them, right?

    I did this 2 days ago, and hung my coat to dry, so I just found the gloves.

    1. They may be salvageable. I’ve washed a Le Pliage bag, which has leather straps, with no ill effects. If they’ve shrunk, try wetting them again and then stretching them out while wet. Otherwise I’d apply a generous coating of leather lotion or oil and see if that revives them. It may take multiple coats.

  15. Another gloomy December Monday……need some suggestions!

    I live in Vancouver & am craving some sun and warmth. Taking Dec 25-Jan 5 off…..following the obligatory family dinner on Christmas day, I have no other firm plans in that time period. Rolling around in my head is jumping in the car & heading south. Hubby also has time off & if we drive, maybe I can take my dog with me too!

    Suggestions for road trip destinations that would get me to somewhere sunny & warm (ish)? How far south do I need to head?

    1. Far. Southern California or Arizona. For best chances of sun, Arizona is a better bet (you’d have to watch the SoCal weather reports closely). Or Death Valley. Phoenix and Tucson are delightfully sunny and warm right now.

      1. Former Vancouverite here. Agree that it is too far to drive in such a short time if you really want warmth.
        But Airzona is a short flight!

    2. If I lived in Canada and had some time off, I’d go to Cuba. I know you wanted a driving trip, but driving anywhere sunny seems very far so ….

    3. I am a Cali girl, but a few winters ago, my friend and I did a North-NorCal road trip…we went up to Eureka, did a bunch of the redwoods, stopped at a bunch of breweries and whatnot. It was cold but sunny and we saw a part of CA that neither of us had spent much time in (we had both topped out before in the Anderson Valley).

      It think it’d be really cool to do Mt. Shasta, Oregon’s Pinot country (and beaches). I don’t know much about Oregon or WA road trips though.

      That said, Sunset magazine has _GREAT_ articles on road trips…I would start there.

      If you want really hot, you should fly somewhere…road trip will take a lot of driving and even still it might not be warm in SoCal. Last Christmas, in LA, it was 87 degrees…so you just don’t know.

    4. Los Angeles is chilly and damp (by our standards) right now. Not sure it’s worth driving all that way to get from 40F to 60F. Flying, maybe.

    5. Wow, another Vancouverite! I thought I was all alone.

      This sounds like a lovely idea but if I were you I would just get a last-minute plane ticket to LA (Disneyland at Christmas! Awesome!) or San Diego or maybe even somewhere in Mexico.

      1. Thanks for the ideas everyone….I’ll have to see what plane tickets cost for some of the places you suggested.

        I’m afraid that last-minute booking during the holiday week will put it out of my (non-existent) budget once I also factor in paying for a rental car & boarding the dog. (I’d have hotel cost either way) With cheap gas prices, a road trip will be way cheaper, but good points about what kind of destination I would really go to if I want to do anything other than drive.

        I need to think about whether I really want heat & sunshine or just a change of scenery.
        For a change of scenery, Washington or Oregon could be the ticket.

        1. Or even a nice B&B on Salt Spring, or Long Beach, or on the Sunshine Coast? If you accept that sunshine isn’t in the cards, it might not even be necessary to go that far.

  16. Any tips for dealing with leather fraying on the straps of a handbag? It’s coach and in otherwise great condition. 3 yrs old and I still love it just a bit of wear on the straps.

    1. Buy replacement straps? I wonder if you called Coach they might still sell the straps or you could look on-line for very similar straps.

      Otherwise you might be able to get the edges kind of cut and refinished at a leather/show repair place – but I’m not sure if that would be cost efficient.

      1. +1. Coach doesn’t carry all replacement straps for all bags, but they have a lot, so definitely call Coach first.

    2. Coach will repair it, but since it’s 3 years old, not under warranty and you’ll have to pay.

      Or check a cobbler–they often do handbag repairs.

    3. Same happened to a couple of my Coach bags. I sent one in to them and they sent it back to me saying they would not repair it. Very disappointing.

    4. This happened to my mom with a Coach bag. She took it into the store, and they said they would take care of the repairs. They contacted her a short time later saying that they couldn’t repair the bag, and included a Coach gift card for the full retail price she had paid two years earlier. So, definitely take it into the store, their customer service is excellent!

    5. If you want to go the repair route, and if Coach can’t help, I recommend Rago Brothers in NJ. You can mail the bag to them; they’ll call you with a quote for the repair, and mail the bag back. I thought they were pricey, but did great repairs on items that I considered to be irreplaceable, so the cost was ultimately worth it.

  17. Secret Santa with a $15 limit. Would you rather receive a bottle of (nice but inexpensive) Prosecco or a fancy coffee mug from Crate & Barrel or wherever? I don’t have a problem drinking a $15 bottle of bubbly myself, but I don’t know if that’s a weird gift to give when there’s a clear monetary limit involved (so, I wouldn’t do a bottle of wine, for instance). Other gift ideas welcome.

    1. What about a fancy pound of coffee? That’s something where the high-end of the product is in that price range. That being said, I’d drink $15 Prosecco for sure! :)

      1. Agree with this. When I have a limit that might otherwise seem low, I try to find things where that range is high-end. I actually like to shop in nicer grocery stores for these types of things. Or maybe I’m just projecting because I’ve always wanted someone to gift me really nice pasta sauce…

    3. No more mugs! I have matching mugs at home, I have my One Special Mug for coffee at the office, and any mug I get from Secret Santa is going to be donated or re-gifted.

      I would totally drink the Prosecco!!

      But yeah, peppermint bark!!

      1. How old are the people involved? In my experience, People under 30 want nothing but mugs. People over 50 want anything but mugs.

          1. But mugs are so great. You can drink coffee out of them. And soup. And cereal. And wine.

            ..I will take your mugs.

        2. Really? I find it incomprehensible that anybody would want mugs. But now I know where to look when it’s time to re-gift a mug!

          And if you are drinking wine out of mugs, ur doin it wrong. ;)

          1. PS I texted my 28 year old son and inquired, and he says “4 Marines ages 24-31 say no. One early 20s says yes if it’s a hilarious novelty mug. Tell your friend we all lol at the very suggestion [that young people want mugs].”

            So funny! I do love a good tangent in the morning…

          3. I would totally love a novelty shot glass…

            In fact, now that you mention it, I was at a party yesterday in which the (rather awesome) goodie bag included novelty shot glasses (they are pointed on the bottom and spin!) and I did indeed love them!

        3. I’m in my late 20s, and I have never wanted mugs. I get them from the out-of-touch aunt and the friend who is biologically the same age, but acts like a 70 year old. So, I can’t say whether people over 50 want anything but mugs, but they sure like to give them to people who don’t want them.

          1. Hmm. A nice mug was a clutch gift when I was in college, and now in my workplace. So over the span of like 10 years – especially the Starbucks city mug. Weird that it’d be just the people I know in like 3 different Cities/time zones/circumstances. I’ll have to ponder that one.

          2. “Wildkitten stared into her nice mug, shaken to the core as she pondered the possibility that her years of experience with clutch gifts might have led her astray…”

          3. Whatever. I already bought everyone mugs this year, in the hopes that they will give me back the mugs they have stolen from me. Sunk cost mugs.

      1. I can vouch for the fact that this is totally drinkable and in fact, delicious. A friend saved a bundle at her wedding by bringing in cases of this for the caterer to serve.

    5. Fancy travel mug by far! I can never have too many travel mugs, and wouldn’t necessarily buy myself a fancy one. I would definitely drink the prosecco, but it wouldn’t feel as “special” because I buy it all the time.

      1. Oh. Now I want to buy two huge jars of Nutella for myself. And eat them. With a spoon.

    7. Co-signing others’ suggestions to get something for which $15 is high end. My cabinets are stuffed as it is so I’m a big fan of consumable gifts. (Of course if you know your recipient feels differently, ignore me!)

      I like the coffee idea above. Also olive oil or a pretty package of pasta and really nice sauce.

      Other idea – paperwhites or amaryllis, potted and ready to grow.

      1. Thanks all! The recipient in question is a late 30s guy who works a lot. I am not sure how much use he would get from fancy olive oil or fancy pasta sauce (though I’d be quite happy with those gifts myself). I thought of the travel mug because I know he commutes into the city from the suburbs so I figured it would be a safe bet, even if he had one already and I know I always cheap out with getting things like that for myself. And prosecco is a safe bet given that New Year’s Eve is coming up soon (and I know he likes to have a drink or two). I’m leaning Prosecco myself now. Thanks for confirming this isn’t wrong to gift in this price range!

    9. I just went to Trader Joe’s and bought 3 fun treat items (dark chocolate covered blueberries, some smores things and one other thing that I can’t remember now) ($10 limit). They can easily be re-gifted as a hostess gift, too.

    10. I actually think you can find a better bottle of $15 wine rather than bubbly. But I second the coffee.

      1. The Starbucks gift card was the most popular item in my firm’s white elephant thing last year (you know where you steal each other’s gifts) – it was downright cut throat.

  18. They’ve extended their 40% off regular-price/20% off clearance + free shipping through today. Just got my niece a backpack & lunchbox with expedited shipping for $32.

  19. We’ve done the gift round-ups for moms, friends, and others…how about direct reports?

    I work in a small consulting group and manage 7 entry level to senior consultants. The firm doesn’t do firm-level holidays gifts/bonuses. I’d like to get my team something…but interests, hobbies, food preferences, etc. vary. What would you get for your direct reports (or direct reports, ideally what would you want from your boss)?

    Wine and chocolates – too impersonal so I ruled them out; did I act too hastily?
    Gift cards?
    Books?

    Also what would be an appropriate amount per person?
    Totally stumped!

    1. A nice card, handwritten, thanking each of them for their work the past year and wishing them happy holidays, along with either (i) box of nice chocolates (See’s Candies); (ii) Sbux gift card or (iii) something sweet-savory like Harry & David Moose Munch. Your thanks, conveyed nicely, is what your direct reports really want. Recognition and genuine good wishes are all that are called for here, not something expensive. You could also do a small holiday plant if that would go over well.

      1. +1

        I would feel awkward knowing my boss went out of pocket on a holiday gift (particularly if it cost more than $20 or so), and would feel like I needed to reciprocate. A kind note and recognition buy far more goodwill than some free coffees.

        1. Even if the coffee came with a card that said “Thank you for your hard work!” ?

          I’m going out of pocket for all my direct reports. Less than $20 – but I’m not a consultant.

          1. +1

            Maybe it’s just me, but I would rather have a gift or nothing than get a smarmy notecard from my boss. Though I suppose it depends on your boss.

          2. ha – true, this does depend on your boss. I lucked out and have one that’s a good mentor. So a kind word actually feels meaningful where a trinket would not.

      2. I get Christmas gifts from my boss that come out of her own pocket and I think its fine. She benefits from my billings all year- once a year showing me that she appreciates my hard work is not a huge burden for her and it improves my morale.

        Pro tip- please don’t have your secretary write out the card. That really takes away from it!

        Usually I receive either a bottle of wine or a restaurant gift card, or a gift card to a nearby coffee shop. One supervisor I had in the past took the time to think about restaurants we would each like (a high reviewed veg restaurant for the vegetarian, one of those brazilian all-you-can-eat meat places for the young man on the team, high tea at the Windsor Arms for a tea lover, etc) which was very sweet.

        I personally wouldn’t really like chocolates, but our offices receive so many gifts from clients this time of year, there are chocolates EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME.

        It’s the gesture more than the gift itself. It almost doesn’t matter what you give.

    2. I would do a small box of nice chocolates per person – like one of those $20-$30 boxes from a fancy chocolate store. It’s a nice gesture, 99% of people like chocolate, and those crazy 1% who don’t can easily regift them :)

      I do think it’s impersonal, but not in a bad way. These are people you work with, not family. They don’t each need specially picked out personal gifts.

      1. My boss wrote sweet notes (the same note) to each of our team members, printed on nice paper and gave to each of us in a frame. I enjoyed it much more than the ornament I had received the year prior. This year, my boss gave us all a wordle with words that have been used to describe our team.

        1. I think this is also a know yourself. Can you imagine a sh!tty boss framing their own note for you?

          1. I can’t imagine enjoying this even if it was from a great boss. It seems like something out of The Office.

    4. Due to the nature of our current project, we NEVER get to go out to lunch… so I take my direct reports out to a fancy lunch every year out of my own pocket. It sort of feels luxurious since it takes 2+ hours and usually lunch is a 10 minute hurried affair at our desks.

    5. I’m doing Target gift cards and short personal notes, plus we’re going to lunch at a fancy place.

      So yeah, I’m on Team Impersonal But in a Good Way. In your place I’d do wine or chocolates for sure.

    6. I think gift cards are the best in situations where you know direct reports won’t get a holiday bonus. I’ve also given nice bottles of wine in situations where I know wine preferences. The gift that went over the best was the year that I had 3 young female assistants working for me and I picked out a (small) piece of kate spade jewellery for each of them (plus a gift receipt). I was a bit obsessed with kate spade that year, and wouldn’t usually do something that personalized as a gift for direct reports, but they were a hit!

    7. When I had one young entry level report that was also like a mentee, I gave her a $50 Amex gift card and a nice ($30ish) bottle of wine and a note thanking her for her hard work.

      When I had 3 mid career reports (all with families, all worked in offices not in my location), I sent a big box of fruit and other goodies to their houses.

      I now have 9 direct reports, which is 5 too many for my liking but I just inherited several of them and have not had a chance to reorg. I took the local ones out to a nice lunch, sent the remote ones wine (they all drink wine). Everyone got a card.

      Everyone on my broader team (directs’ directs etc) got a card when the count was 19; it’s more like 30 now so I did a really nice email and told them all to leave early this Friday.

      I work for a software company, if it matters. We do not get holiday bonuses (we get year end bonuses paid in March).

  20. I know the legal community has various formulas for calculating the appropriate amount for a Christmas gift from a lawyer to a secretary. However, I just started at my firm at the beginning of November (so I’ve been here just over a month). What kind of gift should I give?

    1. Rough size of firm/market? NYC biglaw, would give $100, not pro-rated, because your secretary is Important.

      1. Satellite office of a NYC biglaw firm, in a smaller city. Same salary as NYC.

        Thanks for the advice :)

        1. Agree as to approach and amount – assuming you’re a 1st-3rd year? If you’re a more senior lateral, 100 is likely not the going rate for your year in your office – senior associates give $200 in my office.

    2. I started a new gig in October a few years back and went with whatever other associates tended to do at the firm, regardless of my start date. My thinking was that my assistant was going to be with me for the long haul, helping me settle in, etc. and it would probably be a good idea to start things off on a generous and friendly foot. Worked well for me, but my assistant is and would’ve been awesome without a generous gift during my first few months, so YMMV.

  21. I’m having some hair thinning due to breakage issues from the very hard water in my apartment. I’ve already bought a showerhead filter and demineralizing shampoo and conditioner. Any other suggestions to make my hair thicker?

  22. Guys, i wore my new tights today (with dots and they are patterned) and its itching a lot. Do you all have any tips to reduce the itching? Its in my inner thighs (may be because it’s stretched most there). So hard to sit at my desk….

  23. My supervisors just gave me a $400 gift card to Nordstrom for Christmas! How generous! Last year they gave me a $300 gift card to Coach. I really appreciate their thoughtfulness…

    Regarding gifting up….last year after they gave me the $300 gift card I put together little food baskets from a high-end food store for them. They cost me about $75 each. Think olives, cheese, etc. I have no energy this year to do anything. We aren’t doing presents for anyone, even family. I’m pregnant with twins and stressed out….not to mention that $$ is a bit more of an issue this year. Is it okay if I just give them a Christmas card thanking them for the thoughtfulness? I feel like such a scrooge but I seriously can’t handle Christmas this year.

    2. It’s perfectly fine. Really. Just say no to gifting up! And congrats on the impending bundles of joy!

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