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Browns can be tricky for me (somehow I always end up looking washed out), but this chocolate brown sheath dress is gorgeous. The ruched style is super flattering and the three-quarter length sleeves are perfect for this summer-to-fall transition period.
I would wear this with my favorite leopard-print shoes and some chunky gold jewelry. If you need to add a jacket, I like the idea of a tweed moto jacket in a similar color palette, like this one from Ann Taylor.
The dress is $110 at White House Black Market and available in regular sizes XXS–XL and petite sizes XXS–XL. Ruched Sheath Dress
A plus-size option is from Eliza J; it's on sale for $44.97 (alas, only in lucky sizes).
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
anon
I need to do some long hard thinking about what I want in my life. I feel like I’m coasting along b/c my life is really good, but I don’t think that I’ll want this life forever (think things like where I live, what job/career I’m in). What are some good ways to structure my thinking around this and figure it out. What are some good questions, exercises, or really any other advice you’d have for me as I think about this?
In case it matters, I’m 32, married, no children and sort of ambivalent towards kids. Count that in the bucket of things I need to figure out….
Anon
There is a book called Designing Your Life – it’s excellent for thinking through these like this! The book has suggested exercises to go along. There is also a Ted Talk on this subject by the authors.
Clementine
A professor in grad school said to my class: “You can either have the job you’ve always wanted, live in the place you’ve always imagined, or be with the person you’ve always dreamed of. Most people get one. If you get two, consider yourself extraordinarily lucky.”
What I do is I make a decision mentally and sit with it for a week. Then I see how I feel. Immediate regret? Excitement? Confusion? So like, I’ll decide, ‘Yep. I’m going to move to Boulder.’ I’ll research real estate as if I’m moving there and mentally go through a week with that assumption and see how I feel at the end. It’s not perfect but I’ve found that my gut reaction tells me a lot.
I think this whole idea that there’s a ‘perfect life’ messes with our heads. We spend so much time investing in our careers and long term relationships that it’s hard to be okay with being anything less than ‘perfect’ even though there’s a huge span of ‘really really really good’. Aziz Ansari talks about this in ‘Modern Romance’
Alina
Oh that’s powerful. I have like 1.5 and I’m definitely sometimes sad about the missing parts, but maybe I should be more positive about it
Ribena
I like that. I have 1.5 (we have discussed my questions of place here previously) – I don’t do the job I would have said was my dream job 5 years ago, but I absolutely love my job (and it didn’t exist even 2-3 years ago).
CountC
I like this a lot. I was upset due to stress last night and someone said to me, I would love to be you, you have XYZ, you are ABC . . . but I don’t want the mental part that creates the pressues/and stress.
This was not at all helpful. I know I have XYZ and that I am ABC, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be upset about things sometimes!
ANYWAY, that’s not really what this is about but it came to mind when I read this as I also believe there is no such thing as a perfect life and I while I don’t have any dream jobs or dream living locations, I am generally happy with my life overall so I guess that puts me at a solid 1.5 also!
Halloween Mom
This is profound and so true. I know my life is really, really good. Sometimes I get swept up in optimizing it or making it better in some way, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that’s an exhausting way to live. “Coasting” doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, or be a sign of stagnation.
Airplane.
I think that perspective might be a little skewed toward academia, where professors and trailing spouses have very little choice in location if they want take the job for their career where there isn’t a big market for more academics. I think it’s OK to pursue living in the place you want, the spouse you want and the job you want. Will all 3 work out? Maybe not. Should we be grateful for having 1 or 2? Sure. But I don’t like it when lectures like that indicate to us that we shouldn’t actively pursue happiness in all 3 categories.
Clementine
This is very true for academia but this was a professional program where 95% of the class was going to be taking the degree and applying it practically.
FWIW, I never took it to mean ‘you can’t hope to be happy in all 3’ but rather that your current expectations of all 3 will likely not be your reality, but instead we need to prioritize and choose. I picked my 1 and my other two are probably a solid .6 or .75 each. I consider myself very fortunate.
I always wanted to live in London or Paris growing up. Do I? No. But I am very happy with where I live. LIkewise, my job is not my ‘dream job’ but is really more like ‘a job that does solid work in a field I feel passionate about.’
Airplane.
I see that what you are saying. I think that when the prof uses phrases like “always dreamed of” “always imagined” and extraordinarily lucky” you can take that advice many different ways.
Anonymous
I have been reflecting deeply during my solitary confinement, and fear that after my marriage sadly I had none of the three. But now on my own I am much happier although I miss my family and being able to be out and about.
Anon
The kids question is easy and you’ve already subconsciously figured that out. If you’re ambivalent about them, don’t have them. You should only have them if they’re an enthusiastic yes for you.
Anon
Is it really this easy though? I know several people who were ambivalent about kids or who actively didn’t want them, but who became parents through birth control failure and are now very happy as parents. And I know even more people who had an enthusiastic “yes” who hate parenting now and are unhappy.
Anonyz
People who accidentally got pregnant but kept the child were not actually against having children in the first place, despite their verbalized opinion. Those of us who mean it get sterilized, abort, or adopt out.
I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
anon
+1
Anonie
I’m thinking though that the OP may fall into the former camp, rather than the latter.
Anon
Some people have reasons not to abort or adopt out besides “actually wanting children.”
But I have wondered before whether, in my bubble, unplanned pregnancies are not sometimes better preparation for what parenting is really like, vs. having everything planned out to a T.
anon
Anonie, I think you’re probably right. Unfortunately that doesn’t answer the question of whether OP will love or hate parenthood if it happens. For me personally, that’s not something I want to roll the dice on.
Anon
+1 million, in ‘rette speak.
The women I know who seem to hate parenting (lots of code words about mommy martyrdom) wanted kids because kids are part of the Perfect Suburban Life.
I did not want children; however, I also had a deeply dysfunctional childhood where the s–t rolled downhill. It was extremely important that there be no more “downhill” after me, that there not be another generation to screw up with the dysfunction. But I solved that problem by moving a thousand miles away from the nutcases and marrying a man who is their polar opposite in temperament.
Sorry for the novel, but the “why” of kids is as important as the actual desire.
A
Also, is it fair, moral, or ethical to roll the dice when the child has no say in it? Just seems to me that out of compassion for another human life, who did not consent to being brought into this world, that people should not roll the dice and hope they’ll like parenthood because having a child is a permanent choice.
Anonymous
I have done a bunch of things out of curiosity: bought a house, got married, etc. I wonder what similarly-wired people will do this year. BTW, I just got a puppy. I like the mental challenge of figuring out how he is wired and trying to teach him every day. [Much better than zoom-schooling my kids and gives us all a lift.]
FWIW, I did want kids. But having them was very much a “now this perfect life may get all messed up for 2 decades and I’m basically lighting my wallet on fire” leap into the unknown, but I’m an optimist about people figuring things out.
Anonymous
I have heard many reasons why people have gotten married (all valid for each person). Getting married out of curiosity is a new one for me.
Anonymous
Like “dude is divorced, we are happy as it is, why mess things up when things are OK right now?”
OTOH, getting married is planting a psychological flag and announcing a status to the world, and I hadn’t done that in a relationship before. Why go there when you don’t have to (people aren’t condemned for “living in sin” now, you can often get benefits if you aren’t married but cohabitating, etc., etc.)? It is taking a step into the unknown that is really hard to undo (or potentially messy).
Anonymous
It’s not that straightforward. I didn’t love babies so I was ambivalent about baby parenthood vs. adopting. and then adopting an older child isn’t an easy route either so while I might have thought I wanted to be a parent I didn’t have an ‘enthusiastic yes’ about any of the routes to that path. Turns out I’m not really into the newborn stage with other peoples babies but I super love that age with my kids.
Bonnie Kate
+1 to only have them if it’s an enthusiastic yes. This is why we don’t have kids and we’re very happy with that decision 6+ years after making it. We got to the point in our lives where it would have made sense to have them – right age, married for several years, owned a house, settled in good careers, good family support – and still felt ambivalent about kids. I remember thinking if it wasn’t a h*II yes, then it was a no – because kids aren’t something you should half do. I feel even more confident in that decision as I get into my mid-thirties.
anonymous
Agree. If you are ambivalent don’t have kids.
Brunette+Elle+Woods
I’m also ambivalent about having kids but it’s mostly because I’m single and 35 and pandemic dating is pretty much pointless. However, my perspective is I’ll be happy either way so it’s not really something I have to grapple with right now.
Anonymous
If your life is ‘really good’ why do you need to change? It’s impossible to know what you will want or not want in the future. Live where you are now if that is a ‘really good’ place for you.
Anonymous
On kids: I got married at 26 and knew like, eventually, I’d probably want kids. But was 100% ambivalent about them. Eventually DH and I were talking and realized if we wanted more than one kid, we really ought to start trying or I’d be 40. I had two kids: one at 33 and one at 35.
Anon
At age 32, the biggest question about children is if you would be fine with one, or if you would want multiple kids.
Here’s my own bias: I’m 39 and 8 months postpartum. I had an extremely healthy pregnancy and easy recovery; my baby is a great sleeper, sunny, and easy; and I have already run a half marathon. Despite this, words cannot express how not-ready I am for another pregnancy and baby right now. While we want kids, plural, we’re most likely one-and-done; we don’t want to roll the dice with a baby at 41.
If you and your husband would be happy with one-and-done, you can table the thought about kids for another four to five years. From all the research I’ve read, i.e. actual academic papers and not what randos think, the “fertility cliff” is right around age 37. Infertility treatment works better if you are younger; anecdotally, almost all of the mid/late 30s women I know who did IVF eventually had it work. While the risk of genetic disorders is higher than at 32, it’s still about 1%. Bottom line: while infertility is a thing (and my heart goes out to infertile women), one kid in your mid/late 30s is usually very doable.
Multiple kids? You have less flexibility. You can start having them sooner; give up on spacing them out, regardless of the effect on your body, psyche, and career; or roll the dice on having a baby in your 40s.
mela29
Thank you!
Senior Attorney
You won’t have this life forever, no matter what. Life is long (if you’re lucky) and it has stages. Some of them are great and some of them are less great, and none of them lasts forever. If you’re lucky (as discussed the other day), you are wise/fortunate in choosing your mate, and that will give you a big leg up. The rest of it involves a bunch of ups and downs. F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said “there are no second acts in American lives” but I couldn’t disagree more. I’m on at least my fourth act at this point.
All of which is to say you may want/need to figure out what to do next, but whatever you decide needn’t be forever.
Senior Attorney
Yes, kids are forever but parenthood involves a whole lot of ups and downs, too. The baby stage is way different than the elementary stage, which is way different than the teen years, and then they’re out of the house and you feel like you should be done and you kind of are but in a way you never are.
BeenThatGuy
SA said this more eloquently than I could have. I jokingly call myself “BeenThatGuy 4.0”. When in doubt PIVOT!
Mal
I think this is so important – because it’s not about IF life will change, but when.
While sometimes it’s difficult due to outside factors, mental health, etc., this is why I try to be grateful for what’s going well in my life right now. Being on the young side, this can be easy to forget, and also hard to wrap your mind around: life is long, and will have its highs and lows. Sometimes it’s OK to just be content with where you currently stand. In a culture where we’re pushed to constantly achieve or upgrade, there can be quite a bit of cognitive dissonance with this, but there’s really nothing wrong with it!
Tired
Does anyone else feel like life is a never ending battle against mediocre white men? Le sigh…
Anon
Yes
A
Often! Or this election year, it is a never ending battle against blatantly incompetent orange men.
anon
+1 and hypocritical chinless men
Anon
He negotiated peace deals in the Middle East, and today’s news said that the economy was at a historic high before the pandemic hit. That’s not incompetence, no matter how much the media tells you different every single day.
Anon
Do you really thing world leaders negotiate anything? It is all drafted by policy people and the world leaders are just talking heads.
Anonymous
Yes. He’s the wizard of the stock market which totally equals the economy! Never mind that we all work harder and have less to show for it than parents. Everything was fine until he lied about a deadly pandemic and told us to drink bleach. Just let him lock some more kids in cages, force some more women to give birth against their will, and cancel the election. Geez.
Anon
You don’t think the impact of the pandemic had anything to do with his gross incompetence? You’re delusional.
Anon
This didn’t happen under Obama. Hate away, but he’s doing a great job.
Anon
LOL You’re delusional.
AnonMPH
Before the pandemic hit is 6 months ago. Today on the news I heard numbers that close to half of Americans are facing economic hardship due to the pandemic. Which he could have worked to mobilize his government to control, or could have encouraged providing relief for people and businesses who are hurting. Instead he’s spent 6 months with his fingers in his ears saying that if he can’t hear what you’re saying it’s not happening and the whole thing isn’t a big deal and its just going to go away. So tell the 200,000 families who lost loved ones that the situation in the country in March is what matters today?
Anonymous
No, I do not. Life is full of all types of people, of different skills, knowledge, and kindness. Some people are mediocre at some things, some are horrible, some are excellent. To me, it’s just as unacceptable to stereotype people as “mediocre white men” as it would be to stereotype “shrill feminist” or calling Catholics “papists.” (I choose those because they could be applied to me.
Anon
Okay… But not everyone gets a pass?
Anon
Um, I suspect OP had someone particular in mind, not that she’s categorizing all white men as mediocre. I think she is thinking of a man or certain men, who fit BOTH white and mediocre.
Anonymous
Excuse my ignorance, is “papist” an insult? I’ve heard the word (I couldn’t tell you the context though) but I didn’t realize it was a slur. I’m a little afraid to google it now.
Anon
Absolutely it is an insult.
Seventh Sister
Gosh, I haven’t heard that word since high school! And I’m pretty sure I learned it in the context of a play about the colonial period in New England. My Presbyterian parents were plenty anti-Catholic without ever invoking that word, though we were definitely the minority Christian denomination in our area.
When I grew up and went Episcopalian, I was thrilled to do all the “fancy” things we’d only ever seen at my babysitter’s Catholic church – glittery robes, the incense, saints everywhere. Fun times!
Anon
Agreed. It’s also quite a victim mindset, which I don’t subscribe to.
ANON
I agree. And snobby. It could be easy to jump to this name calling when you disagree on something without actually considering all of the factors. Perhaps he thinks you are mediocre too . . . .
anonymous
Congrats, Anon! Your shipment of male approval is on its way!
Anon
+1. Congrats on being a “fun feminist.”
Anon
Usually people who are salty about other people getting “male approval” and will make snarky comments about it haven’t been the recipient of much approval from anyone in their lives. I’m sorry your life has been difficult. Don’t take it out on others.
Anonymous
I firmly believe that if we want to eradicate racism, stereotypes, discrimination, etc. then we need to commit to stopping it wherever we encounter it. It’s not OK to say this stereotypical statement is OK because it’s white men or my current bad day or whatever but these other stereotypes or racist statements are not OK. None of the are OK.
anonymous
“Usually people who are salty about other people getting “male approval” and will make snarky comments about it haven’t been the recipient of much approval from anyone in their lives. I’m sorry your life has been difficult. Don’t take it out on others.”
Is that so? Snarky comments like this one you just made? Or did you mean snarky comments like accusing others of living under a “victim mindset”? My life really hasn’t been that difficult at all and has been quite full of “approval,” but thanks for your well-meaning concern! Pst — no one’s actually being snarky/jealous about you getting *literal* male approval…. The point has flown over your head. To spell it out, the point is that you’re agreeing with the patriarchy and its efforts to dismiss women’s attempts to call out sexism. Women who do this sort of thing find they get protected by the patriarchy –so long as they stay in line.
Anon
+1, but predictably, this comment is getting hate, because we have a number of women here who are incapable of taking responsibility for the trajectory of their own lives, or taking charge of increasing their happiness. Easier and less emotional work to stay miserable and lash out at others, I guess.
anon
Congrats on totally missing the point
Anon
Ugh, it’s just so lazy to not care about institutional sexism and white male supremacy and find another way to blame women. Thank god most thinking people are leaving your beliefs in the dustbin of history where they belong.
anon
I assume you’re some combination of white, wealthy, able-bodied, and Christian if you think it’s so easy to live life exactly on your own terms and why doesn’t everyone else try it?!
Tired
Woah that’s a big leap. My life trajectory is great I have a very high HHI, am happily married, educated, a home owner etc. But it’s pretty valid to be annoyed when your authority is undermined by others due exclusively to characteristics of being a young woman.
Anon
“Ugh, it’s just so lazy to not care about institutional sexism and white male supremacy and find another way to blame women. Thank god most thinking people are leaving your beliefs in the dustbin of history where they belong.”
There’s a difference between “not caring about institutional sexism and white male supremacy” and realizing that an independent, educated, adult human beings, all people have the ability to change their situation in life if they want to. The vast majority of women on this board are tremendously privileged, in that they have had access to educational opportunities, career opportunities, compensation, and enriching life experiences like travel, that are denied to most humans on the planet. Yet so many women here seem absolutely miserable and lost. I don’t think that’s just the result of discriminatory institutional structures that are holding people back. Contemplate: maybe the issue is that people think another promotion, more money, more accolades at work, etc. are the answer to happiness, when all evidence is to the contrary (even based on examples from their own lives). If you are white, educated, employed and housed, and living in America in 2020, happiness is a choice. You have freedom and opportunity denied to most humans on the planet.
anon
Yikes. That’s quite the harsh characterization of “a lot of women” (lashing out at them, you might say) whom you don’t know and have never actually spoken to, and couldn’t even identify as individuals based on their comments if you tried because they’re all anonymous. Did it ever occur to you that the comment is getting hate because it’s dismissive, presumptive, insulting, sexist, and regressive? No? Everyone who doesn’t agree with you is psychologically damaged in some way?
Anon
I don’t have the impression that very many women here seem miserable and lost, at all.
Anon
“all people have the ability to change their situation in life if they want to”
citation very much needed
yes, even with the modifiers “independent, educated, adult human beings”, because even independent, educated, adult human beings can find themselves in terrible circumstances with very little control over the most troubling and impactful situations they face
anon
I agree with this. Everyone deals in their own way, but a lot of stuff like this puts me personally in a victim mindset, and I’ve been there, done that, and it didn’t do me any good. That’s not a comment on the validity of the opinion, however. I just personally try not to engage in this kind of thought because although it’s very tempting and somewhat emotionally gratifying in terms of relieving my frustration for the short term, I don’t actually find it helpful.
To each her own though.
Ellen
I agree here. I prefer thinking the glass is half-full, not half empty, even tho the amount of H20 (Water) is the same. I have a great job, but no boyfriend or children, and I live in NYC, which is a good thing, so I am very fortunate. While of course I do want what I don’t yet have, even if I don’t get any more of it, I will still be very gratful for what I do have. The pandemic has caused me to rethink things, particularly as others who are in committed relationships have s-x, while I don’t.
Anon
Lol – some of you are married to mediocre white men and it shows…
Anon
Some of you are salty about not having enduring, meaningful relationships with other people and it shows.
anon
Why do you think that some people here are salty about not having enduring, meaningful relationships? What are you basing this on?
Anon
Babe, I’ve been happily married for 11 years. It still doesn’t mean I don’t understand how mediocre white men rule the world.
Anon
My husband became a tenured professor at 34. His grandparents were literally subsistence farmers who sometimes could barely afford to feed pancakes to his parents.
anon
How much of your husband’s success is owed to his whiteness and maleness though? That’s what others are trying to get you to take a closer look at.
Anon
*eyeroll* amazing. Nobody else in the country has that background. Do you want a cookie?
Anon
Yeah growing up poor and becoming a professor isn’t terribly special, especially if he’s a straight, cis, white dude — hope your entire defense of your husband not being mediocre doesn’t rest on a fairly common life story.
LaurenB
I don’t feel that life is a never ending battle against mediocre white men (plenty of mediocre men of color out there too …) but I do feel that life is a never ending battle against morons these days — morons of all colors, ethnicities, religions, etc. Just came across the FB feed of the wife of an infectious disease doctor I know who is posting anti-mask screeds and yelling for our schools to be opened up, posting stuff that is clearly false … I just can’t take this any more.
Anon
Yes. My uncle is currently not committing to voting for Biden (“but I did vote for Clinton last time”) because of “I don’t know, there’s something about her” about Harris. Where have we heard that one before? We suspect it’s his sympathies for poor, poor Kavanaugh, who experienced temporary discomfort related to his previous criminal actions as he ascended to power, no worse for the wear.
Anon
Brett Kavanaugh was falsely accused of rape. It was unequivocally demonstrated that he had never met Christine Blasey-Ford.
Anon
Lololol go back to your bridge, nobody wants you here.
Anon
That is a verifiable fact, Anon at 1:07. Not only did they never meet, she dated Kavanaugh’s look-alike, who happened to live near the country club where she swam, and the layout of that man’s house matched the description of the layout she described. Her boyfriend assaulted her.
Anon
Just because you see a statement on Breitbart doesn’t make it a “verifiable fact,” sweetie.
Anon
LOL You’re still delusional.
anon
LMFAO you’re nuts
Anon
I feel like life is a never-ending battle against horrible people. I can handle people who are mediocre at their jobs; people who are good at their jobs don’t like them if they pull attitude. What I am beyond done with is people who enjoy inflicting pain on others and people who do not stop until outright illegality to get their way.
Sloan Sabbith
Ijeoma Oluo has a new book about this coming out in December.
Anon
The ceo of my former workplace is not a mediocre white man. He’s an extraordinarily talented and smart white man. He’s charismatic and charming and everyone who meets with him feels very special to be in his presence.
He’s also rotten to his core. He has no scruples. He would screw over your grandma to make an extra nickel, and then laugh to himself about what a sucker she is.
No, I did not work for the US government! The man I am speaking of is much, much smarter. And arguably more evil because he knows exactly what he’s doing, and can see the consequences 5,7,6,8 steps down the line like a master chess player.
I will take mediocrity for a while.
anon
The mediocre ones can be evil and unscrupulous too.
Anon
but less successfully
anon
Yeah they only get to be congressmen and presidents
Anonymous
Thanks for the encouragement yesterday as I took on day 1 of a big proceeding by myself! It went pretty well. Client is happy. I know today will have harder questions, more challenging legal issues, and I’m up for the “big step”! To any of you handling an uphill climb today, you got this!
Amber
Yay!! Glad it is going well so far!!
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Thanks for reporting back!
Anon
My boyfriend of 5 years and I recently broke up. I’m struggling to move forwards because it feels like all the things I’d normally do to get over a break-up are unavailable during COVID. I’m struggling to find big projects that make me feel like myself. Normally I’d book a long solo trip to a bucket list destination, train for a long-distance open water swim, and make frequent plans to go out with friends to concerts and nightlife.
I’m looking for ideas for big projects to take on. I’m a typical reader of this site – I’m already overachieving, so I feel like I have a lot of the basics covered already. I’m midway through a PhD program so I’m already making big professional moves. My apartment is well-decorated and clean already. I have a good rotation of virtual and limited in-person interactions with friends and family. I was already learning a foreign language. A lot of smaller hobbies (gardening, taking up golf, etc) seem like warm weather activities, and it’s about to be winter here. Any ideas?
Anonymous
Painting or pottery are good winter activities as they can be easily done indoors. Or learn a second foreign language. Pick a related language if you’re looking for something that’s not too hard to pick up or something with a non-Latin alphabet if you’re looking for a harder challenge.
I also LOVE to travel. I’ve missed travel so much and my kids love travel too so we pick a different country every month. We learn about the history/natural environment, try cooking a couple meals from the cuisine, we read a couple translated children’s books (library e-books are the best), and we listen to some music from there. With the internet (esp. wikipedia and youtube) it’s actually pretty easy to locate stuff for this. When there’s a vaccine and we can travel again, we’re going to try and visit our top three countries.
Anon
between now and November you could devote time to phone calls, texting, letter writing, etc. or something related to the election
Anon
Give yourself some time and space to grieve. The loss of a five-year relationship is hard and that’s okay. There’s no amount of traveling or hobbies that can make the hurt not exist. That said! Props for taking the bull by the horns and trying to find something to occupy your time and your mind. I think my point is to remind you that it’s okay for this to be hard. It will get better with time but you don’t always have to have a brave or happy face on. (Yes, I’m projecting, please disregard as appropriate!)
Ellen
I agree here, tho I would not call it “greiving”; I would say “moving on”. When I moved on from my 5 year relationship with my ex, it was not initially easy for me; we used to be a couple, and then once I threw him out, I kept some of his clotheing for a year until I threw it out. Dad says it’s a process, and I am now beyond all of that, haveing “moved on”. You should do the same. You can keep the photos and whatever clotheing that he did not take, but throw that out in 6-12 months, but earlier if you find another boyfreind in the short term that is sleeping over. Thereafter it will be easier. Good luck to you as you transition (or “move on”)! YAY!!!
Anon
This. You can’t overachieve your way out of a breakup.
Anonie
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone after 5 years. I just wanted to say that you seem to be doing amazingly and I am so impressed by the projects and personal goals you are pursuing. It sounds like you have built a wonderful life for yourself, breakup or not. Give yourself grace and pause to celebrate how well you are doing.
Anon
Aww that’s hard. Do you cycle? My husband bought an electric bike during the pandemic and it has been amazing – you can go much further/faster than if only powered by yourself, so it has been a great way to explore our state and get out of the monotony of our neighborhood.
Anon
Volunteer for the election. I’ve found that in times when I am struggling, it helps me to do more for others. We’ve also increased our charitable contributions during the pandemic and it has helped. Also, why can’t you train for an open-water swim? I don’t do that myself, but a colleague does and she’s still been able to swim outside.
Brunette+Elle+Woods
This!!!!!
Anon OP
Unfortunately the water is already too cold where I am to swim, and pools haven’t reopened yet. Hopefully soon!
anon
As a fellow current PhDer just wanted to send you some props for being halfway through! Do you love a particular kind of music or literature? Can you set yourself a plan to read or listen to something new every day? If you like gardening, you could become an indoor plant mom. Teach yourself how to cook different cuisines? Brew beer?
Anon
Could you travel somewhere locally? A beach or mountain town that is in your state that you could drive to? Lakehouse? Almost every state has some area of natural beauty you could check out. Sorry to hear about the break up.
Bonnie Kate
You sound like a rockstar already for handling it the way you have so far and looking for healthy outlets. I feel like I’d want something physical to do/concentrate on. This will probably sound a little nuts, but I think I’d take up fermenting really seriously – like perfecting kombucha, homemade sauerkraut, ginger bug, etc. Pinterest has tons of fermenting ideas. Post about it if you do it; I’m super curious about fermenting as a hobby. One of the things I’m looking forward to about my new house is the bigger kitchen where I can set up a cabinet as a fermenting station. :)
Bonnie Kate
Alternative idea – I imagine that you’re reading a bunch as part of your PhD program, so perhaps watching movies would be a good alternative. Picking a list “greatest -insertgenre- of all time” and then working your way through it sounds like fun to me and more “productive” than just watching whatever is on Netflix. I googled really quick and found this list that is very intriguing to me; I love the variety of genres they have on it.
https://brightside.me/article/15-inspirational-movies-about-extraordinary-women-59155/
Anon OP
I’m not normally a big Netflix person, but a lot of these titles look really great. I’ll look into it!
Anon
Learnt to play a musical instrument? I am teaching myself keyboard using an app recently. There are also a lot of fun karaoke apps that are popular these days, and a friend of mine is trying to sing while accompanying herself on the keyboard.
Sloan Sabbith
My 3 ideas would be 1000 piece puzzles (I can get lost in a puzzle and a good audiobook for hours), a reading challenge (modern Mrs Darcy has a 12 book challenge, you could try to get it done by end of year?), and doing a Stepbet.
anonymous
I would suggest finding somewhere to volunteer.
Anon OP
Thanks all for the recommendations. A number of people have mentioned volunteering – I should have put this in my original post, but I already do volunteer about the most my academic commitments allow at the moment. I guess it’s a good problem to have that my life is already so full, but I’m really looking for something new I can take on or explore and coming up short.
Anonymous
Maybe you can make the goal to have some purely frivolous fun, run with your”guilty pleasures for awhile. Read all the romance novels, watch all the Korean dramas or makeup tutorials, try all the chocolates, etc.
Anon OP
Man, 2020 has just not felt like a year for fun for me. It’s not related to the break up and I’m confident it’s not actually depression, just depressing world events. This is probably a good goal.
Anonymous
I have 15 days of PTO that I need to burn before the end of the year. I could really use a break for 4-7 days. I am single, live and work in a studio apt in the landlocked upper Midwest, and am comfortable flying. I plan to socially distance and/or mask the entire time. I would love to have a beach where I just sit by myself and nap or read a book. I want somewhere with carryout options for food. I will also spend a week in the deep woods tent camping later this year so food/hotel or airbnb options preferred for this one. I’d like to spend a max of $1000. Any ideas?
Amber
What about New Orleans? We don’t have any beaches but you could stay at a hotel downtown or Airbnb uptown and have access to fun things! You could pick up a picnic lunch and hang out in Audubon Park and we also have an awesome zoo – you could easily find a spot there to chill out. The D-Day museum is also open (indoors but it is a big space). There is also City Park which has a botanical and sculpture garden (and art museum which is indoors). We have tons of great restaurants that do take out. Hope you have fun wherever you go!
Flats Only
With your parameters I would go to a small beach town in Florida (I am thinking Cocoa Beach, just because I’ve been there), and get a room with a balcony at a decent hotel close to the beach. Look for a motel-style property if you want the room doors to be outside so you can avoid elevators/corridors. Buy some beach equipment once you get there (Chair, insulated bag for snacks, umbrella). You could enjoy much time on the wide, lovely beach, or on your balcony. There should be plenty of places to pick up carryout food within walking distance or a short drive.
Bonnie Kate
Oh man I want this trip!!
Cat
With that budget I’d do an Airbnb in FL. With demand down lots of places are offering extra discounts for a weeklong stay. Most near the beach come with chairs, towels, etc so no worries about those. You could even find a place with its own pool if you keep it to fewer nights.
South Gulf (Naples etc) is nicest as the weather cools off, and there are plenty of restaurants offering takeout.
Anon
We went to Vilano Beach near St. Augustine and did this earlier this summer. Not sure what the options are for smaller vacation rentals, but the beach was pretty empty and lots of takeout options.
Rawr
Just saw the most annoying job ad today, had to share. Why are people like this?
•You believe and want to participate in a blameless culture which focuses on process and technology
•You don’t sleep well at night when you leave work with a question unanswered
•You feel accountable for everything you do and that sense of urgency has been driving you your entire life
•You like to have a good time while getting things done
•When we say a “team player” we mean it – you have a crisp high-five and funny stories to tell
•You have your team’s back. And the team has yours
•Sense of humor is hugely preferred
•An interesting life story/a cool hobby/a diverse background has proven to bring more to the table in terms of perspective, what’s yours?
Anne-on
Let me guess, the pay isn’t at market rate but you’ll ‘love the atmosphere’ and ‘get in on the ground floor of an exciting growing company!’ I’d bet a LOT of money that they also don’t have formal HR, are mostly white dudebros and ‘don’t see color’.
Ask me if I worked through the aughts tech bubble and had enough of this nonsense the first time round.
Anon
Oh, absolutely. I would bet real cash money this position pays 50% of the average market salary, comes with an inflexible expectation to work 60+ hours a week indefinitely (along with an expectation you will be immediately available for texts/calls outside those 60 hours) and offers sub-par benefits AND a toxic office culture because “this is more like a family than a job!” and “It shouldn’t be about the money! We are changing the world! You should WANT to be here!”
I really though the jig was up on companies like this after the 2008 crash but NOPE, then along came WeWork and Tesla, etc. and a whole new generation of people getting suckered. I don’t get it.
anne-on
This was my first job, and it was super cool as a new grad – free food! jeans to work! team happy hours! Then it VERY quickly became super dysfunctional/boundary crossing/HR nightmare of racial and sexual harassment. I bolted after 15 mos (honestly stuck it out not to leave before a year) for big finance, and let me tell you, I’d take finance dude bros over tech dude bros ANY day of the week. At least there IS HR at big finance, they’re totally upfront about the hours, the pay (more or less) tracks, and there’s less of the ‘drink the kool-aid or else’ culture.
Anon
I most certainly *DO NOT* have a crisp high five. No thank you!
Anon
I read “Sense of humor is hugely preferred” as: this company is run by clueless dude bros who don’t want you running to HR every time they tell an off color joke or just plain old sexually harass you.
Anon+Probate+Atty
Agree.
anonshmanon
I thought the same thing. They will use cultural fit as an excuse to hire people just like them.
Anon
That is the douchey-ist thing I’ve read in months.
Ellen
I agree. I wonder if this firm would even consider hiring a woman, particularly if she did not look like a svelte model? I would say no. This ad typifies the kind of company that was portrayed on the movie “The Social Network”. Women were NOT respected in that movie, and were looked at only as “orifii” for the tech guys when they needed to wind down and have s-x. FOOEY on men like that!
Anon
Name and shame!
CountC
QuadPay
Rawr
yep!!
Airplane.
Yuck, adding this employer to the never list.
Anon123
“It’s tough to get into our team, we believe culture eats strategy for breakfast and we’re working hard to find our next family member. If you’ve been looking for us, now’s the time to reach out…..”
Anon
EW EW EW
Anonymous
I love this. It lets me rule the job out immediately.
Anon
On the other hand, nice of them to alert you that they are a bunch of d-bags so you don’t waste your time applying :) Hard pass on this job!
Rawr
I had a moment of “maybe it won’t be that bad” but luckily that passed, and yes, they saved me time spent applying there!
Anon
“You don’t sleep well at night when you leave work with a question unanswered ”
If your work is taking over your life that much, you will not be able to sleep… or eat… but you’ll have a hell of a party when you rage-quit.
buffybot
It’s funny/odd also because there are so many ways to express the same general principles without providing the blazing red flags that you all have so aptly identified. E.g., someone with strong ownership of their work/has a sense of accountability, keen on problem-solving, collegial and collaborative. Those are all good things; this ad is….not.
Vicky Austin
I hate every bit of this.
Thanks it has pockets!
That’s a lot of words for “we work hard, but we also play hard,” which is just about every tech company these days, or at least the ones that’ve been around for less than 15 years or so. Let me guess, the office also has a ping pong table and beer on tap, right? And every Halloween there’s a party with cookies and pumpkin beers and some people wear costumes? And the departments have fun team outings like bowling and escape rooms – things that not everyone enjoys but if you opt out for any reason people will say you’re not a team player? Such fun, so original.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been working in tech for years and I love it, I do appreciate the laid back environment where I can be a relatively authentic version of myself, but having worked in talent acquisition especially, this “culture fit” section is dumb and will definitely turn off the diverse candidates they’re undoubtably looking for. And as a job seeker in the industry, it’s really frustrating that any time I go a careers page to see if they need a “me” (or if they have a “general application” option) I have to scroll past this whole thing about why this company is fun and different and innovative and diverse – I don’t care about that stuff, I just wanna see your job openings.
Anon
If I were going to write a job ad in that overly friendly tone, I’d want it to say:
– We work hard, but we respect your boundaries – we have a no-email after 6:00 pm policy.
– We believe in doing your best work, but in living your best life – that’s why we offer four weeks of paid vacation and separate sick time, both of which increase over your tenure with us.
– We believe in your growth. We offer top-of-the-market salaries to attract and retain the best talent.
– We hope you’re in it for the long haul with us. That’s why we offer performance bonuses, paid family leave, and lots of other perks to help you at every stage in your life.
– Our office is friendly, collegial, and diverse. Here is a link to an external audit where you can see our hiring rates and pay structures broken down by sex, race, and disability status.
One can dream.
pugsnbourbon
I’d SPRINT to apply to a company like this.
Anon
Sprint? I’d fly! Sounds perfect
Equestrian+Attorney
So much this. These newspeak techy
job ads drive me crazy and the faux-friendly tone is such a turnoff. Anon, this is the information I want to see (assuming the company practices what they preach, but hey it’s a start).
anon
Lol. It shouldn’t be funny.
Thanks it has pockets!
I love this, and while writing job descriptions isn’t typically in my job description, I would definitely push for wording like this in my next role – as long as it’s true, of course!
Anonymous
This is a question that’s not immediately applicable because of the global pandemic- but does anyone go away for Christmas or other holidays?
My parents and husband’s parents live in the same town. It’s a HCOL area where no one’s home is huge but we always end up shuffling around from house to house over the holidays. I hate it. I love the family time but it’s just a ton of cleaning and cooking and shopping and getting sick because of I’m alergic to everyone’s pets. I don’t do all this stuff but even my fair share just takes a lot out of me. I’m just done with all the Christmas hustle and bustle. It’s two days with four obligations after a crazy week of preparation and work stress. We’re not religious and also celebrate Hanukkah. I am loving the idea of stealing away to some kind of high end family friendly resort and having someone else decorate a huge Xmas tree and eating a buffet brunch for breakfast and a hotel dinner that no one had to cook or clean up after. We could go on family walk or hike or sleigh ride or golf or something. I could bring my kid a few nice presents and just ask all the adults to skip presents. Everyone could afford this. I’d invite all my cousins and my in-laws. It would be an actual vacation! My dad loves the idea but my mom and husband say it would be “ruining Christmas” for my kid. It’s obviously a no go for this year but would you do this in a post pandemic world? I can’t stand the thought of holiday stress for the next decade and a half or so.
Anonymous
I’m all in favor of this – my mom dealt with this kind of stress for Lunar New Years (we’re in Asia) for 15 years and HATED it. Then she had the brilliant idea of getting most of the meal catered one year when I was a teenager, and she said it was one of the best stress reducers ever. Plus also getting hotel rooms instead of everyone (including all of us teenaged growing grandkids) cramming into the grandparents’ small townhouse. Spent more money? Yes. But worth the tradeoff in space, not prepping or doing a lot of cleaning up? ABSOLUTELY.
You’re not ruining Christmas for your kid. It’s more about having family around than having to be at a relative’s place.
Anonymous
I’d just do it. You are an adult, spend your time how you want. Make new traditions.
Anonymous
Sure, except her husband doesn’t want to. Which is cool, that means he can do the lion’s share of the work required to maintain these traditions. OP can sit back with a beer and watch the game while DH cooks and cleans.
anne-on
Can you opt out of some of the obligations? Any reason YOUR family can’t decide to get away solo for the holidays? You’re not ‘ruining the holidays’ if you do something different once (or more than once!) – there will be more holidays! If you do go that route I’d also present it as a fait accompli ‘this is what we’re doing, we’re letting you know so you can plan around us’ ‘vs. we may go away, what do you think?’ If you invite feedback you get feedback (which likely won’t be positive).
We chose to skip out on an extended family Xmas day celebration and even my son said that it was nice not to have to hustle to get dressed up, leave his new present to go to someone else’s house.
Ribena
We (the family I grew up in) have been away for Christmas a fair few times and also mostly don’t have particularly involved traditions that require a lot of work. We always have a low-effort breakfast on Christmas Day and try to keep the actual work involved in the main meal to be really low.
Anonymous
It sounds like a nice plan but then you are spending your holidays with just one set of parents. Would you alternate each year? That seems like it would be hard to coordinate with your cousins in terms of when they saw their inlaws as well. In my experience ‘destination’ type celebrations work as a one off event but are super hard to coordinate as a yearly thing.
We had big cousin filled holidays when I was younger, but since I’m an adult, we tend to just see our parents/siblings and maybe go out for drinks with cousins one night for an hour or two.
Have you thought of getting an AirBnB and just visiting your parents and inlaws instead of staying with them? Having the time in the evening and morning in our own space was key. DH and I usually alternate staying for after dinner one night each. Like if it’s 4 nights, the first and last night we are all at the AirBnb, the second night I see my parents and DH puts the kids to bed, the third night he sees his parents and I put the kids to bed.
Anonymous
Here’s what I would do in your shoes, you may already be doing some of this:
– Stay in a centrally located hotel/Airbnb. I am not staying overnight in a house with any pets I am allergic to, that’s a hard line for me and it sounds like it should be for you; anyone who gives you pushback about protecting your health is a huge AH. But also it’s exhausting to pack and unpack and repack, and it’s totally unnecessary if everyone is within an hour-ish drive.
– Stop cooking if you don’t enjoy it. Pick up something from the grocery store.
– Get a fake tree. Blame your allergies if you must. It is so much easier. Let the kids decorate the tree. Who cares if it’s not instaworthy.
– Eat out for some meals. Maybe you two can treat the family to a nice buffet brunch one morning.
– Get DH to do more (if he isn’t already). If these traditions are important to him then he needs to pick up more of the work that comes with them.
Anonymous
Thanks. These are awesome suggestions, but I’m not sure it’ll work.
To clarify: I’m not staying overnight at anyone’s home. We all live in the same town. It’s just that each four to six hour celebration is brutal on my allergies, especially back to back. Plus everyone gets upset that my wheezing and sneezing is a personal judgement on their housekeeping.
My husband does 99% of the tree stuff, but he insists on a real tree and a bunch of ugly “meaningful” ornaments. There’s nowhere to put it without rearranging the furniture and making our smallish home smaller for two weeks, at a time when packages and people and toys are constantly coming in. I just really hate all of it.
I do lean heavy on takeout but my family will not go for supermarket stuff. Even the crowds at the local Chinese restaurant are insane when we go for pickup on Christmas Eve. Two years ago they nearly forgot half of our order and I was so stressed that I cooked the next year instead. Last year, picking up a pre-ordered pie was an hourlong ordeal. I feel like nothing is easy at Christmas.
I’m just a Grinch. Maybe I can just go to a spa and leave my family to their “magical” Christmas? Only half kidding..
Anonymous
Wouldn’t the tree issue and busy restaurant be an issue at a hotel too? Lots of hotels do real trees.
Can you get stronger prescription allergy medications? Or pre-book a caterer? Many do ‘take and heat’ holiday dinner packages so you just have to heat everything up and not cook.
Anonymous
As a fellow tree allergy sufferer, no it’s not the same. Hotels are much larger spaces than your living room, which means the allergens aren’t condensed in a small space, there’s better air circulation, and I don’t have to sit close to the tree.
Anonymous
Take some Claritin and suck it up
Anonymous
I get that you’re getting guilted into doing more than you want.
I’ve told the husband to pick 2 of 4 events at his family that I will attend, and then I skip the others. Sometimes he doesn’t realize there’s so much and he’s focused on his family and no child wrangling. He was fine with it when I pointed it out. Or I’ve also said before we get there—how long are we staying, and hold him to a 2 or 3 hour commitment. These people are local for you, you’ll see them again! After the first year of traveling with my newborn and my toddler at my sister’s house for Xmas, I hated it and said we are now doing Xmas at my house. It means we are just a foursome that day and I don’t see my family as much but that’s okay. They know I love them and will see them some other days in the year.
Anonymous
Agreed. OP’s allergies should dictate how long they stay at these family functions. OP, you are literally making yourself sick instead of having slightly uncomfortable conversations about your inability to be in the same house as Fluffy for 6 hours. Please set some reasonable boundaries to protect your health and give yourself permission to not feel guilty.
Anonymous
Do you all live the same town? Can’t you host at your place? Have it catered so you don’t have to cook? Then no allergy issues. Have them both over on the same day and you only have the one 4-6 hour event and you’re done.
Anonymous
Unfortunately our place is too small to host more than a few people comfortably. Like I said, none of these homes are huge ,but ours is the smallest and has no basement for the kids, plus a Xmas tree messing up the traffic pattern in the main living space. My husband’s stepdad often asks to nap in our bed and I sincerely hate it when he does.
Anon
OMG I would hate that!!! What an intrusion!
AnonInfinity
Wait– Are you suffering from allergies in your own home because your husband wants a real tree? I think stronger allergy meds may be in order if you want to make it work at someone else’s house, but your husband insisting on a real tree when it makes you sick is not ok.
Anonymous
The only mention of a tree allergy is a responder suggesting the OP fake a tree allergy. OP is allergic to pets in others’ homes.
Vicky Austin
+1000
Op
Oh my goodness no. I’m only allergic to cats and dogs. I’m fine with the tree, allergy wise I just resent how ugly it is (it seriously has has some very ugly ornaments,all in red and green, which clashes with our house) and all the room it takes up, plus the fact that the needles are everywhere. I think the beautiful professionally decorated ones are lovely to look at. To be fair, we had a huge fight the first year of marriage because my husband insists on a “homey” look for the tree and I just hate it.
AnonInfinity
Oh thank goodness!! Sorry for the reading comprehension fail.
I’m a Grinch, too, and fully support you trying to enjoy the holidays however would bring you joy. I think it is fair to request a year where you can go to a resort with your immediate family, though not really fair to suggest doing that every year forever if your husband isn’t on board.
aBr
It doesn’t solve all your problems, but have you looked at catering for the holidays? I mocked it initially as “something rich people do” but did it once when we did an out of town holiday in an AirBnB and haven’t looked back since. Pro tip – we pick up everything about two days before (so no rush on the holiday itself), get food for at least four meals and have it all in the fridge ready to be reheated. I know it might sound ridiculous but once I factored in the cost of buying food, it ended up about cost neutral.
Anon
Funny story. We had similar feelings and one year made plans to travel to a nice destination and fancy hotel for Thanksgiving. A couple days before we left, the kids mentioned that they would miss Thanksgiving leftovers, so, although we ate at the fancy hotel for Thanksgiving, we cooked and packed Thanksgiving dinner so we could have ‘leftovers.’ We also realized that the fancy hotel didn’t have a microwave in the room, so we packed that, too, and smuggled it in the room wrapped in a blanket. The kids were sad that they would miss the dog, so we packed him, too, and smuggled him in the back door. Great memories but we never repeated it. Another year we took everyone overseas for a two-week trip over Thanksgiving. More fun memories, although we won’t repeat that one due to the cost.
Seventh Sister
I have faked “homemade” items for church potlucks and daycare picnics and honestly, it felt fabulous.
Anonymous
Would they try it for one year? Everyone can see how they like it. If no consensus, then you could alternate between a year at home and a year away.
Anonymous
We did this last year, my SILs are vicious and I needed a break. We went to the snow. My husband really missed his family, though, so I think it will be another 20 years before we manage it again.
Anon
Last year, my husband and I went away to a resort town for Christmas. The biggest problem we had was finding options for dinner; we ended up driving a half hour away to a medium-sized city. (This is complicated by the fact that I’m a strict vegetarian.) Otherwise, it was great!
The original Scarlett
I’ve found the holidays are almost more polarizing than politics within a family – lots of attachment to what’s “ideal” and hard to find universal consensus. What I’ve done, not perfect but works, is to try to travel around them (leave right after Christmas, go somewhere we want to go, or take the week before Thanksgiving, etc.). My husband and I also have a rule that we do not spend the night at any of our parents homes – we stay in a hotel or Airbnb, no exceptions. We need a place of our own to decompress.
waffles
We never have, because of aging parents/grandparents that we wanted to see for “one last Christmas”. That generation has now passed away, so we would be theoretically more free to travel now. And in fact we had planned a trip for this year, leaving Boxing Day (that has obviously now been cancelled). I think it’s definitely something we’ll think about going forward. We HAVE started traveling on Thanksgiving, which hasn’t been too much drama with my family and in-laws, so I’m hoping we can eventually normalize traveling around Christmas too. I have a hard time getting away from work during the year, and holidays are a good time for me to be out of the country.
Anonyz
This is where I fall. There’s always been frail, sickly family involved, who may or may not be around the following year. (Of course, they’re all stubborn a-holes who will probably outlive me anyway.)
Once we move up a generation and are the eldest, I hope to blow off our terrible siblings and go somewhere hot and beachy for Christmases.
Airplane.
Wow. You should tell your mom and husband that the current set-up is “ruining Christmas” for YOU! And that you’re sure that they, as loving family members, would not want to contribute to another year in a row of discomforting allergies and tiresome obligations for you. Your kid trying something new for Christmas in the form of a HIGH END FAMILY FRIENDLY RESORT is not going to ruin anything. I count the kid lucky as getting the opportunity to experience something a lot of kids (and kids that have grown up into adulthood) have never gotten the chance to do! I can’t stand this mindset. Change it up! Put your foot down! Trade other trips/plans with your husband/family to get a Christmas trip that you want.
anon
We did this for Christmas the year I was pregnant. It was really nice. We had a 2-bedroom condo within a larger resort, so there was a small kitchen enough space for casual meals and just sitting around drinking (mocktails for me). We did a puzzle shaped like the leg lamp and had a peppermint bark tasting (William Sonoma won). We ate our larger meals at restaurants, both within and outside the hotel. DH and I had to fly, but the resort was within driving distance from my parents. My mom brought some super easy decorations–a small, fake tree, a scented candle. We exchanged gifts, but didn’t have too many.
Since having our son, we have stayed in our hometown, where DH’s family lives, for Christmas. DH’s parents are divorced, and there are large “immediate” family events and larger extended family events for both sides. It’s a whirlwind, and we’ve definitely begun opting out or limiting our time at different events. My parents typically visit us between Christmas and New Years after things have died down.
Anonymous
I think you focus on your family. If your family wants to go, then go! You aren’t ruining Christmas for your kid. But you can’t expect everyone else to come. Like, surely your in laws and cousins are not all going to do this because they have other family obligations and preferences. Which is fine!
Senior Attorney
This. You get to do whatever you want to do at Christmas (and we have been doing high-end beachfront resort for the past couple of years and I am here to tell you it is great!) but you don’t get to dictate what the extended family does.
Airplane.
She said she would invite extended family, she’s not dicating what they do. Her family (whether it’s her mom or her husband) don’t get to tell her she is “ruining Christmas” by suggesting they go to a high end family friendly resort for one Christmas. She’s done what they want for all the other Christmases, she can get one that is something she wants to do. They all live in the same town, it’s not like this is their only chance to be together for a holiday! Her family should give her a break. It sounds so tiresome to suffer for allergies for hours on end and have to run a bunch of errands when it’s a holiday!
Anonymous
This is excellent advice. If your husband does not want to go, tell him to stay home and miss sharing the holiday with his kid. This about you and your preferences. He and his family (and your mom, too!) can get on board or you can just leave them behind.
In all seriousness, I think getting away for holidays is amazing and my favorite holidays as an adult have been the ones my family has spent at a resort. I think your husband is crazy for wanting the complicated, chaotic status quo. I certainly don’t think this would ruin any kid’s holiday. It would be a better tradition, I think. But geeze, the suggestion that you just ignore the preferences of your husband and his family (and your mom) seems like a recipe for disaster. (Caveat: I am not married. Maybe I know nothing. Perhaps marriage works out better when everyone operates under the “When momma ain’t happy, nobody is” mentality. Certainly I find the way most people’s marriages work baffling and distasteful and yet they are married and I am not. )
Anonymous
Oh honey stop. I wasn’t suggesting she steal her child from her husband.
AnonMPH
Echoing others to say that you need to look more precisely at the neighborhoods you might be living in, and the types of crime that are happening (and WHERE in those neighborhoods). For example, I’ve lived in DC for 8 years, and in that time have lived in four neighborhoods. Crime was relatively low in 3 of them, but even in the 4th that technically had higher crime statistics, the violent crime was highly localized on a housing project that was technically in the same neighborhood but which I never had to walk past in my daily routines. Violence was a difficult reality for people who lived there, but they were not targeting outsiders.
I don’t know Minneapolis at all, but assume it is overall a bit safer/less hassle than DC. The biggest types of crimes we deal with here in my neighborhood (on the edge between a very nice neighborhood and a more gentrifying area) are package theft (super annoying, not scary, our UPS guy and neighbors all band together to try to avoid it), and car break-ins (have not personally experienced). There’s also a lot of “crime” statistics that are around loitering related to homelessness issues and drugs. None of these impact me in the slightest.
We installed a security system for peace of mind since we are in a detached house, but honestly might not have prioritized that if we hadn’t closed on our house in the middle of the unrest in late May/June. Knowing that we suddenly owned property that we were not living in on the other side of town and wouldn’t be aware immediately if there was looting in our area was stressful, particularly as first time home owners. But that said, that was a very precise moment in time. Now I often forget to set the alarm system.
Finally-if you want to prioritize lowest possible crime rates, that’s okay! You can find a suburb to live in where no one ever locks their doors. But if you want to live in the city I’m sure you can do it safely and comfortably.
AnonMPH
Ugh sorry, total nesting fail.
Bonnie Kate
Personally I don’t like this at all, but I get what your attraction is to it.
Here’s my experience with it: My parents and husbands parents are within 20 minutes of each other so we shuffle house to house, and I love it. Two years ago my husbands parents decided they wanted to do Christmas on the beach in Florida with the family (MIL, FIL, DH, me, SIL, BIL). I agreed to do it one time and while it was wonderful for that part of the family, it made my mom cry when I told her. Granted, she is a bit dramatic, she has TONS of other family that were still all around her over Christmas and we still celebrated Christmas with them a few days later, but I felt terrible about it. My husband told his parents that we wouldn’t be doing it again, and they did take it very well and mentioned on Christmas that they were glad we were all there together but this was a one time deal.
I do think it’s a complete fantasy that you could get your entire extended family on both sides to go with it; inevitably some part of the family isn’t going to want to/won’t be able to and now you’ve just entirely moved Christmas. Traditions are nice because they can be relied on to stay the same year to year.
Bonnie Kate
Just to soften my language a little – “now you’ve just entirely moved Christmas” – only if you try and get all of your extended family to go. I do like the advice quite a bit to focus on your own family vs the extended family – totally agree that especially once you have kids you get to decide what Christmas looks like for your immediate family first. Sounds like that’s going to be hard if your husband really likes doing the traditional Christmas! But perhaps you can plan an immediate post-Christmas vacation that you can look forward to during Christmas day?
Gail the Goldfish
Not for Christmas, but we do this for Thanksgiving and it’s amazing. We do Thanksgiving brunch at a resort at a beach (sometimes stay there, sometimes in rental house nearby) and only downside is there are no leftovers for dinner, but hey, Waffle House is open on Thanksgiving.
Anonymous
We started going away for Christmas with just our nuclear family when our daughter was 10. We don’t even go to fancy resorts like you describe because we can’t get over the idea that we could get the same vacation for half the price any other week of the year. Instead, we pick a city that is sort of off-season so hotel rates are lower, stay in a nice but not super fancy hotel, find the best restaurant Christmas dinner in town, and walk around the city for a few days. It is amazing. Our favorite of these trips so far has been New Orleans.
It doesn’t ruin Christmas at all–in fact, it’s kind of more special. Our daughter is nuts about travel and we don’t do more than one or two big trips per year, though, so YMMV.
Coach+Laura
Multigenerational family vacations (both sides) have been my favorite thing and are favorites of my kids who are grown now. We have, at various times, rented large houses on old military bases (Fort Casey, Fort Worden in Washington State), Oregon beach cottages, Hawaii condos, Inn rooms in Leavenworth WA, and condos Whistler in BC. I think a Christmas in a large house or in several adjacent condos would be lovely and a good way to have family time.
Seventh Sister
One of my all-time favorite Christmases as a kid was the year that we went to a ski resort instead of having Christmas at home. It was the opposite of “ruining” Christmas. That said, I don’t think my in-laws could manage going to a resort for the holidays, even if we paid for the whole thing (their have plenty of $$$$ are super cheap).
My recommendation is to get a hotel or AirBnB so you have your own space, and use the phrase, “I did not do X because I have a full-time job” if anyone gives you flak about not doing some holiday “tradition.”
Returning
I’m moving back to the US after spending the last 20-odd years in SE Asia. Single, no kids, and used to the very low crime rates in my current city. I’ve been very thrown by the increasing rates of property crime (house, automobile) and confrontational crime (robberies at weapon-point, assaults) throughout yhr US, which wasn’t the case when I grew up and went to school in idyllic small-town Massachusetts. I’m moving to a Midwest big city that saw violent rioting last summer and continued to see a huge flurry of property crimes in both city and suburbs in the last few months as the police decided to steer clear.
My question is if I can’t expect a perfectly crime-free neighborhood, how do I minimize my risk and maximize my comfort and feeling of security with my house and car? I do have severe PTSD from a gunpoint assault in a hotel room on vacation some years ago, so the thought of burglars in the house whilst I’m sleeping or when I’ve been out really frightens me. I’m wondering if I should avoid houses and townhouses and opt for apartments, but the latter don’t seem unaffected by property crime either.
What steps do you usually take to protect yourself and your loved ones?
Anonymous
I live in a place without increasing rates of property crime and confrontational crime. I can guarantee you that you can find a town outside of the midwest big city (or a neighborhood in that city) that doesn’t have high or increasing rates of crime. Stop reading the front pages of the big newspapers and look for local news outlets and you will have a much more realistic sense of the area that you are moving to.
Returning
I avoid making inferences from the big papers (although today’s NYT story about confrontational mostly-white protestors “storming” white neighborhoods in Portland, OR lingered too long in my mind), and rely on local newspapers and city police blotters. There isn’t an alarming increase in crime compared to pre-riots but it’s enough to shake me because of the prevalence (coffee shops, secured apartments in suburbs) and the degree of violence (night break-ins where occupants were pistolwhipped).
Anon
This lacks compassion. I don’t believe the OP was posting in bad faith myself.
Anonymous
Nice of you to call someone with PTSD deranged.
Anon
Crime has actually gone down in the US over the last 20 years. You’re probably just hearing about it more.
https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/10/17/facts-about-crime-in-the-u-s/
I live in Chicago, which if you only paid attention to the news sounds like a desolate wasteland of nonstop violence and rioting. Yes, there are unsafe areas. But the vast majority of us live in relatively safe neighborhoods and do not face daily fear because of crime and violence. I walk and run miles every day and never feel unsafe. My neighborhood is friendly and pleasant. It’s all about choosing the right neighborhood (caveat: obviously those that live in the least safe neighborhoods probably never had a choice in the matter and that is a huge systemic problem and one for another discussion. But we’re talking about you. You will be choosing, and you can choose one that you feel comfortable in).
Hi From MN!
Hi from Northeast Minneapolis! Someone rummaged through our unlocked (oops!) car once this summer, but I do not feel unsafe in my home or car. (One exception: during the riots/before the National Guard was in control. I didn’t go out after dark.).
Our neighborhood is mostly residential. We know and regularly talk to our neighbors. They keep an eye out for us. Our elementary-aged kids walk to their friends’ houses. I am smart about my surroundings, and I’m comfortable walking alone after dark or before sunrise. Find a trusted realtor. Talk to your neighbors. And above all, don’t trust the crime watch FB pages. Good luck. And if you’re moving to Minneapolis, welcome!
Returning
I’m actually moving to Minneapolis! Thank you for the warm welcome! Would you mind letting on what neighborhood you live in so that I can check it out (you can club it with other neighborhoods if you don’t want to reveal for privacy reasons)?
Anonymous
Check out Waite Park, Swindon, and and Audobon. St. Anthony is our tony nearby suburb.
Anonymous
I lived in Minneapolis for a number of years and still own a property there. Check out South Minneapolis, specifically the Kingfield neighborhood. It’s close to downtown but very residential where you know your neighbors, etc. I absolutely loved living there!
Anon
It’s very neighborhood dependent but listen to your gut. I had lots of people tell me that Berkeley was really safe, but when I moved there for grad school, none of the other women in my program felt safe walking at night either and I realized it wasn’t just me. Every single one of us had lived on our own in big cities before. What really makes a difference is what the streets look like. If there’s garbage everywhere, urine and feces on business doorsteps, and a lot of passed-out men coming off a high, go somewhere else to live.
anonshmanon
Agree with the other posters that you should look up the actual crime statistics for a neighborhood that you consider.
For peace of mind, an alarm system can help. Or a dog, lol.
asdf
Is that city Chicago? In that case neighborhood matters a lot. I’d suggest a northern neighborhood (e.g. Roscoe Village instead of South Loop) or a first ring suburb (Evanston, maybe).
Returning
Minneapolis-St.Paul (I may choose either city and its proximate suburbs as commute isn’t an issue for the next 12 months at least).
Anon
I encourage you to look at St. Paul. I grew up there and my family still lives there, but haven’t lived there myself for a while so don’t want to give too much specific advice, especially without knowing more about you and what you’re looking for. Minneapolis gets most of the attention from people out of state, but St. Paul’s great too and the policing issues are slightly less fraught if you’re really worried about that (though they certainly have their problems as well).
Anon
Honestly, I’ve never lived somewhere where I’ve been all that afraid of this happening, and I’ve lived in a lot of different places including one of those large midwestern cities with violent rioting over the summer. Obviously it’s possible (I certainly know people whose houses have been broken into, though always when they’re away) and even in my idyllic New England college town one of my professors was murdered by some idiot kids out for a thrill. But if you’re lucky enough to be able to live in a pretty safe neighborhood, you can to some extent buy yourself a lower crime rate and crime rates are at an historic low right now so objectively the odds of something happening are low. I’ve never had a home security system, but it sounds like you’d be a lot more comfortable with one. You’d probably also be better off in an area with neighbors, whether it’s apartments or townhouses, rather than an isolated wooded suburb. Get to know your neighbors and look out for each other. There’s lots of guidance on making sure doors and windows are secure and things like that, and obviously be aware of your surroundings. Good luck!
Flats Only
Turn off CNN/FOX/Whatever, and look at actual crime statistics in the city/neighborhood you’re planning to move to. Call the local police station for the specific neighborhood. Chances are excellent that the area you’re actually planning to live in has NOT been subject to rioting/increased crime, both of which have been exaggerated on the news. No, you can’t be 100% perfectly safe, but chances are good that you’re never going to have rioters going past your house.
For your specific circumstances, you may feel safer in an apartment with your car in a secured garage, but I would also suggest therapy to help you work through the PTSD. I was a victim of a minor crime (what I would call a mugging) years ago, and it took a long time to get over it – I was jumpy and nervous for more than a year. I realize now therapy would have helped, and I encourage you to look into it.
Anonymous
There’s no reason to assume she’s not looking at valid statistics or receiving treatment for ptsd.
Anonymous
I’ve been in therapy and am a lot better, but still have some residual effects of PTSD that I’ve been advised will never go away, particularly when I’m trying to sleep in an empty residence.
Anonymous
I live in a very blue state and everyone in my family is heavily armed (largely hunting weapons, but still). We would all say: get a dog. Criminals are many things, but stupid generally isn’t one of them. They are personally risk averse enough to act selfishly: they will bother a house/person without a dog if another house/person has a dog. And a trained dog won’t misfire or fail to load (like for your safety and those of others, I’d never advise a scared novice to get a gun unless you are 100% committed to training and safety lessons and have really thought through it, especially if you have no background familiarity (I do and I still don’t have them; if I felt I needed something for protection in the home, I’d probably get a shotgun but not buy ammo b/c I have kids who are idiots and reckless and our city doesn’t expose them to legal guns enough to have a healthy respect/fear of them (actually, if I were that afraid, I’d either move or get another large dog –> why you have fear and what your options are are important to analyze first before you do anything)).
Anon
There is actually pretty strong evidence that most petty criminals are, in fact, “stupider” than the general population. Getting a dog is still a better idea than getting a gun though.
Walnut
I was a bit spooked the first time I bought a house and lived solo, so I adopted a middle-aged Great Dane to add some noise to my environment and also to make my house less appealing than the one next door for petty crime. The dog was giant with a deep bark to match, but complete butter and easy for my first time dog owning self. I’ll never forget waking up to my dog growling and hearing footsteps outside. One warning bark later and I heard the passerby running.
No Problem
1. Check out the crime reports for the neighborhoods you’re considering. I promise that “high rates of crime in Minneapolis” doesn’t mean “high rates of crime in every neighborhood in Minneapolis.” And “violent rioting” is a rare event in any city in the US, despite what you see on the news.
2. I live in a very nice city with an overall very low crime rate. The most common property crimes are people’s cars parked on the street being broken into at night. Guess what…the majority of cars broken into are actually unlocked. So my advice is to lock your doors (including car doors), and if you have a garage to park your car in the garage. But also, someone keying your car or rifling through your car looking for things to steal is not the end of the world. Annoying and infuriating? Yes. A sign that the world has gone to hell in a handbasket? No.
3. Burglaries of homes at night while people are at home are not common. Like…exceedingly uncommon. This is something that should become clear when you read the police blotter. That said, locking doors and closing all ground floor windows at night should be SOP for everyone. You can also get an alarm system and use it regularly. If you’re too anxious to have a door directly to the outside (townhouse or house), it’s perfectly ok to live in an apartment.
4. Get to know your neighbors. Let them know if you’re going to be out of town, so they can be on the lookout for any unusual activity in or around your home.
5. In general, I remain aware of my surroundings when outside, including near my home and in other public areas. I don’t walk home drunk at night with headphones on, all huddled into a giant coat and hat that limits my peripheral vision and staring only at the ground in front of me. Parking garage at night? You can ask for the building’s security to escort you to your car. Call a friend or family member to chat while walking alone after dark if you feel you need to.
6. Get some therapy. Seriously! You say that you have PTSD from a gunpoint assault, and that’s a big deal. It’s worth talking to a therapist about that event and how it could (or couldn’t) happen again where you’re moving to.
Cat
On the car advice- I would counter that and say no, you should keep it unlocked and store nothing of value in it. People breaking into cars are looking for cash, electronics, etc rather than stealing the car itself in many cases. Might as well let them look around WITHOUT breaking the windows.
Anonymous
Strongly disagree here. Lock up, but don’t leave anything visible – even if only a few quarters.
Anonymous
This was me when I had a beater car. Broken glass is something hard to clean up — I was finding tiny pieces into the next year. And all they got was an umbrella and my ashtray (looking for $?). PITA. With my luck, the idiots who did this to an aging Civic would be too dumb to try the doors and break out the windows anyway or I’d find someone passed out in the back seat.
Anonymous
I live in a major city and do nothing. The US us not a crime infested war zone. Use a realtor who can steer you to a nice neighborhood.
Senior Attorney
Same here. Lock your doors, keep your homeowner’s/renter’s insurance up to date, and as others have said, get a dog if you want extra protection.
pugsnbourbon
Agree with others that crime is actually trending down, but there are steps anyone can take to mitigate their risk. I’d recommend prioritizing garage parking. Not sure if you’re renting or buying, but there are newer security systems that don’t require much hardware – we have Simplisafe and it’s very easy to use. You can install a newer deadbolt, a solid-wood or metal front and rear door, and motion-sensor lights near entries.
I live in Indianapolis and have friends/family in Cincinnati and Columbus. If you’re heading to one of those cities, I’m happy to talk further about neighborhoods you might have an eye on.
Anonymous
kindly, i think you’re overreacting. your trauma is very real and i think you should take steps to feel secure (eg look up actual stats and live in a neighborhood you feel comfortable in, get a security system, lock your door, etc.) but based on news coverage etc to think that broadly across the US crime is just “increasing” isn’t really true. i live in portland, in the city, which is supposed to be anarchist central but we have had zero issues with crime in the past three years. i do think if we left say a expensive tool or a bike unlocked outside for the night someone might take it, but i grew up in a fancy quiet suburb outside of chicago and my bike was taken there too! so just take basic precautions and i really think you’ll be fine.
Curious
Hello from Seattle, your sister in doom ridden news that obfuscates the fact that we are… Fine.
Sloan Sabbith
Same. I’m glad I don’t live in the Pike/Pine corridor but there’s way more to that feeling then the protests. I feel safe walking at night in my neighborhood (very near downtown).
anon
Okay, so I do live in a city where certain types of crime have increased during lockdown. This is a break with a long trend of increasing safety in the US, but of course is worrisome. That said, obviously there are things you can do that minimize your risk of certain types of crime. As a single woman, I lived in a high-rise condo with a doorman and a night security guard, as well as secure parking. In your shoes, I would probably seek a similar living situation, simply for peace of mind – I knew that if I was in a single-family home, every creaky board would wake me up (plus I didn’t want to maintain a home and yard). So long as your building has a good security setup and good security norms (i.e., people who live in the building don’t let others follow them through the secure doors, people don’t leave secure doors propped open, neighbors make the effort to get to know each other so out-of-place individuals get recognized), your odds of a burglary in a high-rise are going to be very low.
Beyond that, you just need to practice ordinary safety awareness on the streets. If you’re used to some place like Hong Kong, it’s probably never going to feel quite as safe, but a few simple things like not being distracted by your phone while walking around at night also help reduce your risk.
That said, neighborhood is the biggest determinant of risk, typically, as others have said. Even in my city where crime is up, low-income people are suffering the most.
Anonymous
When I bought my house, I read on several message boards that I should expect at least an attempted break-in if not multiple instances of having my door kicked in and my car broken into. (My car has actually been broken into in every neighborhood I have lived in except my current one — so far.) When I, a single woman, moved in, I took some affirmative steps to minimize these risks. I had a monitored security system with multiple cameras installed on Day 1. I engage the system at all times and have it set to automatically engage locks and alarms at certain times of the night. I had the doorframes reinforced before I moved in. I bought a home that has security windows. And I met and made friends with my neighbors, all of whom have been in the neighborhood for a long time and one of which could “put out the word” that I am not to be messed with. I also have noisy dogs. I keep my car empty of visible objects. And I moved into a stretch of the neighborhood that actually sees very little crime for a variety of reasons (well-lit, well-traveled street that is used constantly by police and is on a bus route). Three years in, I have had no issues at all whatsoever. On one occasion, early on, I had someone knock on the door who appeared to be casing my home (asking to do yard work with no equipment and after walking the block more than once). I realized it immediately and subtly made sure he saw the camera on my porch. But also, seconds later, my “put out the word” neighbor was on my porch asking about it and telling me he thought the same and he’d look out for me and I should be wary. I saved the camera footage I captured for a year. Nothing ever came of it.
Anonymous
+ 1 on get a dog — doesn’t have to be a big guard dog == mine is a 25 lb cuddle bug that hardly barks. We live in a condo. Moved in with one parent temporarily when the other passed away during COVID a few months ago. The dog is on guard when there is movement outside the house — and he definitely lets you know something is going on. And he’s a sweetie pie who always gives me the best welcome when I’ve been out for a couple of hours.
Anon
I’m assuming you live in Singapore. My husband’s family (American expats) lived there for 10+ years and experienced the same concerns you did moving back. It’s not that they didn’t know what America was like, it was that they got spoiled by the practically non-existent crime in Singapore. It is going to take you awhile to adjust to some of the American “freedoms” that make cities feel less safe. I put freedoms in quotes because some of these things may still be petty crimes but people don’t tend to get locked up for a long time for it.
In the US you will see panhandlers, homeless people, people smoking on the side of the road, graffiti, litter, swearing. Public transportation won’t be anywhere near as clean. Depending on what state you move to, you may see people carrying weapons either openly or attempted concealed. Lots of men carry pocket knives.
There will be a bit of culture shock for you but you have to remind yourself that just because certain things make you feel less safe, it doesn’t mean you actually are less safe.
Anonymous
If I may gently joke, my suburban neighbors complain about the increase in crime in town. Hence, the town police pleading with everyone to 1. stop leaving their keys in their cars and 2. stop leaving their garage doors open all night. Amusingly, a number of home security cameras picked up that it was people’s own children and/or their friends borrowing the cars. My point being, when people say crime is up, context counts.
Thanks, it has pockets!
I live in a major city where crime is always a possibility, but we have renters insurance, we lock our doors and windows, we don’t let anyone we don’t know into the building, we rent a parking spot (which, to be fair, isn’t really for security, it’s for convenience, but it does help to have the car off the street) and we don’t keep anything visible in the car.
For packages, since package theft seems to be the biggest issue in my neighborhood, I have the Shop app so I know exactly when things are delivered and I can bring them in promptly, but depending on where you’re ordering from, the local Whole Foods has Amazon lockers and I think there’s an option to have things delivered to the local UPS for you to pick up at your convenience.
I think if a home security system is in your budget and feasible for your living situation, like if you were in a house or townhome, that’s probably a good idea as well – not always necessary, but if it gives you peace of mind, there’s no harm in it. Having your lights on a timer when you’re away, so it looks like you’re home, doesn’t hurt either. I’ll admit, while we don’t do this, sometimes when we go out for the night I’ll keep one night on so it looks like someone could be home.
Seventh Sister
For about 20 years, I’ve lived in a very large US city that has become safer, but given its size and the vastness of its income inequality, is never going to be as safe as say, Provo UT. During that time, I’ve had my car broken into once, seen one Violent Thing, and had maybe one package stolen. My parents live in a town of about 400 and have had a similar set of bad things happen to them over the same period.
Things that have made me feel safer:
1. Really, really getting to know the city by car and also by public transport. If you don’t have a basic of idea of how to get around, it can make you panic when you turn down a street and suddenly you are faced with an unfamiliar scene.
2. Having a locked place to park my car. While I don’t actually have this in my current place, I felt a lot better when I lived alone that I parked my car behind a gate.
3. A deadbolt. I’m “meh” on my Ring camera, I just don’t use it very much. Also, while it might deter crime, people are always posting videos to FB in my city of people stealing packages and it’s like, “sure, I’m going to recognize a teenage guy in a hoodie and mask taking an Amazon box.”
4. Actually looking at crime statistics in various areas. Robberies while someone is home really are pretty uncommon, and cars get broken into everywhere.
5.Getting to know my neighbors, even if the block party or the FB group aren’t the most fun thing ever. when you know a few familiar faces, things are easier.
While I don’t live in a gated community or multifamily complex, I do live in a municipality that has its own mayor, city council, police, trash pickup, etc. That certainly helps with my sense of safety, though honestly, the police response times in the greater city are pretty short.
Anon
I’m in DC and live in a house that was converted into three condos (each its own level). The basement unit is selling and DH and I keep going back and forth trying to decide if we should buy it. Financially, we can afford it, but we would rent it most of the time. Will renting it be easy? In the before times, our neighbors were able to rent it very easily with both long term renters and air bnb, but things are different now. Also, do we want to be landlords?
So many adult decisions!
anonamouse
Also in DC and recently contemplated a similar decision! We decided to pass on the opportunity after doing a lot of research and asking around. We found that almost all of our friends in DC who own and rent out basement apartments say it’s much more hassle than it’s worth, even if they have pretty ideal, low-maintenance, long-term tenants.
We were also nervous about the future of the rental market DC in general, but also in our particular location. So far it doesn’t seem like the rental market is bottoming out, but it’s a possibility if we remain in a remote work environment for much longer. The types of tenants who might have been attracted to a nice basement apartment to save money, they might now be able to swing one of the MANY new apartment buildings that are slashing rents or offering crazy 2 and 3 month free rent promotions.
We were willing to take on the hassle, but we felt those market factors increased the risk that we’d struggle to break even (much less make a profit) too much for our comfort.
FWIW...
DC is perhaps the single most tenant-friendly city in the US. I am currently in the process of finding a rental property and suddenly had an opportunity in DC fall into my lap and I passed for that reason.
anon a mouse
Financially, it depends on how much vacancy/rent softness you can tolerate to preserve any returns. It’s very neighborhood dependent, but the DC market definitely has some slack right now. Also consider your costs of adding umbrella insurance, plus any water/flood/sewer backup insurance in case of catastrophic storms (which are becoming more frequently).
That’s separate from the question of whether you actually want to be a landlord, which comes with its own headaches when things break. And as you know, it’s very difficult to evict a tenant in DC, even for nonpayment — one tenant who doesn’t pay for four months can turn your calculations upside down by the time you figure in legal costs and lost rent.
Aunt Jamesina
I can’t answer the financial side of your question, although I’d recommend speaking to someone with real estate expertise in your area. Practically, did you ever want to be landlords before this unit went on the market? Being a landlord can be a real PITA and I’ve lost interest after seeing family members get burned by tenants and have free time get eaten up by addressing various issues. While having a rental unit where you live is nice from an accessibility perspective, it also means that your tenant is also your neighbor, and I think there can be some tension in that sort of relationship. There’s no escaping!
asdf
Let’s frame the question differently: you have $x per month – should it go to the mortgage on the basement apartment or to something else, like an index fund. I’d vote index fund because I’m risk adverse. Returns from investing in a single apartment depend on a lot of factors – most of which also affect the value of your primary residence. I also think being a landlord is very tough.
JHC
Anyone ever dealt with a partner who struggles with empathy? I must be a slow learner, but after 14 years of marriage, it finally clicked for me that my husband has little or no empathy for others. It’s masked by the fact that he’s generally a nice guy, a good dad, and a hard worker. Last night, we learned that a friend’s father passed from COVID, and his reaction was underwhelming; really, just kind of a perfunctory, “that’s too bad.” And now that I’m putting this all together, looking back on our relationship, the low level frustration I’ve had towards him can probably traced to this lack of empathy.
Anon+Probate+Atty
Is it lack of empathy, or lack of expressiveness? Limited range of emotional expressiveness plus a general cluelessness about social niceties is common among the men in my family…and now I’m seeing my teenage son start to go that direction, too. My son is quite sensitive and empathetic but nowadays, very rarely shows it.
JHC
OP here–I think it’s an actual lack of empathy. I pushed it last night and told him his reaction seemed a bit underwhelming. He told me that he just doesn’t feel any real emotion and wasn’t going to make it up. Same thing happens when I vent to him about work or express concern about politics. His go to response is to remark about how opinionated I am or to play devil’s advocate, even when I’ve told him I just need commiseration. He doesn’t understand why I have “such strong opinions” about everything. An example of such an opinion would be me sharing concerns that Trump is going to be re-elected, for instance, by saying, “I’m really scared that Trump is going to re-elected.” Yikes. The more I write about this, the more I’m realizing my husband is a jerk.
Anonymous
These things are much more concerning than your original example, imho. He shouldn’t be dismissive about your concerns. It sounds like he doesn’t want to be emotionally supportive in this way. And look you’ve been married to the guy for a long time, maybe that’s not important to you, which is ok! No one person can be everything to you; he is not receptive to venting so find a friend who is. Is he supportive in other ways? Do his actions show that he cares? Is he an equal partner?
Anonie
I am pretty much always on the woman’s side in any type of relationship analysis haha, but I would counter here. If your husband is truly a jerk, I think you would have realized that sooner than year 14 of your marriage. (My dad, whom I love very much nonetheless, is a jerk in many ways and I recognized that by age 6 or 7.)
I suspect that your husband’s behavior/reaction got under your nerves and now he SEEMS like a jerk to you, in the moment. You know your husband and we don’t, but I agree with the comments that point out how society has “trained” men to express and extend less empathy than women.
Also, for what it’s worth, my fiance expresses lots of empathy towards me and a few of his closest family members, but the buck tends to stop there. I thought he was way less naturally empathetic than me, but an assessment we just took in our premarital counseling shows that he is much more empathetic than I realized. He just expresses empathy differently than I do.
Anon at 9:54
Not the OP but I posted below — it took me 8 years of marriage, and 14 years of relationship to realize this. We started dating as teenagers and got married in our early 20s. So I wouldn’t write it off so easily due to the length of the relationship — sometimes we fall for someone because of their good qualities and are blind to their bad ones.
Anon
Nah, there are all kinds of reasons it could take 14 years. There could be new circumstances making it more obvious, OP could have grown and become more attuned to issues she wasn’t as aware of as a younger woman, her husband could have changed for the worse, her husband could have been a jerk all along but worked harder to hide it before, etc.
If this is a problem for OP now, it’s a problem. Whether he SEEMS like a jerk or is a jerk is immaterial; either way, she is impacted by his behavior.
anon
there are high functioning sociopaths who aren’t mean/bad people but just don’t actually feel human emotions like empathy. it can take a while to notice. my parent is one of them…
Anon
And this makes them sound like terrible people but it doesn’t mean they are. They can recognize that other people are upset and that they should act a certain way (this is making me think of the show Dexter). As long as they attempt to express the right emotion even if they don’t feel it they are trying to be a good person. You can’t blame someone for what they do or don’t feel. Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t have to feel empathy all of the time and if we could not experience other people’s pain?
There are a lot of professions were people have to shelf their emotions. Military, law enforcement, fire fighting, doctors and nurses that see trauma patients, lawyers that work in divorce or with victims of violent crime. If we allowed ourselves to always be empathetic, we would break. Unfortunately, in some professions, you have to develop a hard shell, particularly when dead bodies are just another day at the office. That doesn’t make someone a bad person.
OP – does your husband work in a profession where he has had to stunt his emotions?
Did he grow up in a family where he was expected to be happy or “ok” all the time? My family didn’t show a lot of sadness growing up so I learned to keep those feelings private.
I’m guilty when I’m just with my spouse to say “oh that sucks” if I here someone has died. Particularly if they were old and it wasn’t much of a surprise, I just see it as a fact of life.
Anon
+1. If he’s a nice guy and a good dad, he doesn’t have a pathological lack of empathy. Also, to be honest, the pandemic has dulled my reactions to some bad news just because there has been so much of it.
Anon
+100, we’re so inundated with bad news all the time, it’s exhausting to fully feel all of it
Anon
I think men where I live are still pretty strongly discouraged, culturally, from talking openly about feelings. I try to let actions speak louder than words.
I am also aware that sometimes I express feelings I am not really feeling, since I know that expressing sadness is the right thing to do when certain topics come up in conversation, even if for whatever reason that emotion just didn’t happen. I don’t consider myself very empathetic, but I think it’s more hit or miss; sometimes I feel overwhelmed and struggle not to tear up, and other times it’s like I’m reading facts in a history book, so I just try to respond the way that’s socially expected (which is something I think men in general seem to do less of).
Anon
My ex-husband was like this, and this became crystal clear to me after we had a baby and I struggled with normal new mom things, like recovering from childbirth and breastfeeding and lack of sleep. Not long after I realized all this, he became my ex-husband. YMMV.
JHC
This sounds like my husband. I’m now realizing I need to come to terms with this. Any short-term/long-term advice?
Anon
Not Anon at 9:54, but, honestly, therapy for you. It doesn’t sound like this has been causing you immense amounts of stress so I wouldn’t jump to ending the relationship. I WOULD address it now. My brother sounds very much like Anon at 9:54’s ex-H and I feel hard for my SIL. (PS Therapy for you=a place where you can work out how/if you want to handle it.)
Anon at 9:54
I don’t know that I have any, really. This was really bad with my ex-H — he just couldn’t summon empathy when I was crying from pain when I was breastfeeding, rolling his eyes and telling me that women have done this for millennia so why couldn’t I just do it. When our cat started urinating inappropriately, he suggested putting it down after the 3rd incident, and couldn’t understand why I thought that was a horrible thing to even say. I realized that I didn’t even LIKE this person, let alone love him, so I had to leave. My mental health improved enormously as soon as I moved out. I still deal with him all the time because of our child, and he’s an involved father and we get along well enough on all the logistical etc things. I’m extremely relieved that our child does not take after him. It’s been several years now and I’m in a relationship with an extraordinarily empathetic man — I think this is the quality that initially drew me to him — and I am much much happier. My ex is still single as far as I know (at least I know he hasn’t introduced a partner to our child).
If things aren’t nearly this bad with your partner, YMMV — but I’m not sure I have advice on how to navigate.
Senior Attorney
There is a book called The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. He was the partner on the spectrum in his marriage and the book is about how he cultivated practices to connect better with his wife. You might want to check it out and see if you can relate, and see if your husband is interested in reading it and maybe working on some of the “practices.” (But see Senior Attorney’s Rules for Life, No. 10: “People are not improvement projects.”)
In the meantime, for sure therapy for you to help come to terms with this.
Cb
My husband is on the spectrum and is like this. He’s a great dad, great husband, but just doesn’t have the same emotional reaction to bad news.
Anon
My husband is older and undiagnosed, but I have long suspected that he would fall somewhere on the spectrum. He is a great partner and has learned to display what look (for the most part) like appropriate emotions, but he has almost no actual empathy. It’s tough sometimes, even after ten years together.
Anon
This is kind of offensive. ASD doesn’t mean you lack empathy.
Halloween Mom
Yes, I have. My husband sometimes jokes that he’s “dead inside,” but it’s kind of not funny? He’s more empathetic than he used to be, but it took some unpleasant life experiences for him to get there. But yes, I totally get the low-level frustration of wondering why nothing bothers him like it bothers me.
kayla
Hmm. So I am a woman in my 20s, and honestly, I might be like this too. I do think there is a difference in socialization though. For example, a friends grandfather passed away recently, and honestly, that was my reaction. But I know that she might feel very badly, since people usually do, and that its a tough time, and that when people are having a tough time you try to take care of them and reach out to them and send them flowers/food.
It’s not insincere. but honestly I am a more logical than emotional person. Now that I think about it though, especially growing up in particular non-Western culture, I’ve really been socialized to know that there are things you do and ways you react to particular circumstances.
Regarding politics, I am actually very active in that field. However, I have no patience (perhaps as a result) for idle political thought. I have recently told people who say theyre scared or complaining to go volunteer/text/send letters/talk to a Republican neighbor/arrange rides to the polls/whatever. I probably got this from my dad, but what does complaining about a problem get you? Do something about it.
So idk if that helps, but I’m not a mean or unempathetic person. I’m just not very good at expressing emotions and on the “love languages” scale, mine is much more actions rather than words of affirmation.
Anon
Okay, I am a woman, and I have to admit, my reaction to the news of a friend’s father passing might be similar if I never met the man (caveat: assuming I’m learning of it second-hand — obviously my reaction would be very different if my friend told me herself). I don’t think that I’m an unsympathetic person — I would be very concerned about my friend and her family, offer to help, check in with her, etc. — but I’m not EMPATHETIC in that it does not make me feel personally sad in the way that it would if someone died that I was actually close to.
It’s similar with big events like natural disasters. I am sympathetic, I am concerned, will offer help, donate, etc., but I’m not going to cry or have an outsized emotional reaction. Sometimes when people who are not personally affected have that kind of reaction it even seems a little phony to me, like they are making it about them when it isn’t just to get attention, but I know that’s not fair. I just think people are different in this way, but it doesn’t necessarily make them a more or less decent person.
ditto
Also in politics and I can amplify every word in your third paragraph! People who aren’t in politics but know I am seem particularly interested in telling me how horrible they think everything is (this has been the case for my entire career, so it’s not a recent phenomenon) and while I try to listen patiently, when becomes less of a vent and more of a rant, I start to lose patience and suggest actionable items similar to what you mentioned above as opposed to just complaining.
Anon
This kind of reaction can be appropriate when it’s friends complaining to you for the millionth time. But it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to need somebody to vent about fears and frustrations to, and one’s spouse should be able to be that person.
AnonATL
My husband is this way about people he doesn’t know well. I’ll say something like second cousin so and so died and he’s just like eh so?
BUT he’s very loyal to family and people once he’s close to them and can be very emotional about them. He can come across as a jerk because of his indifference to the broader world’s plight. For better or worse, he only really sees and feels what’s right in front of him. He’s a good partner and dad, but he’s never going to be some social crusader saving the homeless puppies like I might.
Anon
So this is sad to write, but two of the men in my life (my husband and my cousin’s husband – we’re all close) are a little less empathetic at times than I would like, but in a different way from what you described. My husband has been through some nearly unimaginable hardships that have affected him so severely that he sometimes shuts down emotionally or isn’t as responsive as I would like. It’s pretty obviously a defense mechanism. However, he shows up for me in his actions and you can also see how much he cares in his other actions unrelated to me – giving to charity, how much he loves animals, and things like that. My cousin’s husband is pretty taciturn to start and has also been through hardships, but she found that he still showed up for her in other ways, like driving for eight hours to see her for a day when her mother was dying (back when they were dating). You need to determine if your husband truly lacks empathy (which, from some of your later posts, it sounds like he does) or if he’s truly just not that expressive verbally.
Kelsey
For people here who have used rogaine with success, did you apply it all over or just the worst problem area? Also, do you find you need to shampoo every day?
Anon Rogaine user
Apologies for the late response.
If you have a defined problem area, I’d say just use it there. It’ll be cheaper, and you can stay within the manufacturer’s recommended daily amount.
My problem was overall thinning. To get my scalp covered, I have to use maybe 2x the recommended amount. (Some of that inevitably gets caught in my hair and doesn’t make it to the scalp.) I have an on-and-off schedule: apply Rogaine two days in a row without shampooing. On the third day, shampoo, then skip the Rogaine for 24 hours. It has been working, with no noticeable side effects.
On shampooing every day: No, it’s not a requirement, just see what works best for your own hair. My hair feels a bit greasy on the second Rogaine day (but honestly, I think it feels worse than it looks). I usually make that a ponytail day. I find that the cheaper generic men’s foam is oilier than the pricy brand-name women’s foam. I keep both on hand now and use the cheaper one when nobody’s going to see me anyway.
Kelsey
Sorry for the late response. Just wanted to let you know I saw it and found it very helpful. Thank you for your comment!
Anonymous
Are we starting to trend away from gray tones and toward beige/brown tones? I’ve noticed this shift in shoes, bags, and interior decorating – just me or is this a thing?
I’m going to get my counter tops done soon, I’m wondering if I should steer away from gray tones. Also, I painted my walls about 7 years ago when teals and grays were all the rage. I still love it, but I wonder if it looks dated to others? Should I plan to repaint before selling?
Anon
It’s a thing, but certain options like a Carrara marble or super white quartzite seem classic. I think that quartz countertops with prominent veining are something that will become dated, so I guess it depends what you choose.
If you’re looking to sell soon I’d stick with a gray and white palate. Tans and beiges can be nice but it’s still pretty early in that trend and there are some choices (like a brown, speckled granite) that I think will remain not trendy.
Senior Attorney
The last few editions of Architectural Digest have been all about the VERY HEAVILY VEINED marble. Like, this heavily veined: https://www.instagram.com/p/CExVXXNJOhh/
Cerytainly it will become dated but it’s having a moment so if you want to be super up-to-the moment, there you have it.
Senior Attorney
Love this one: https://www.instagram.com/p/CEUr988pl6J/
Gray, FWIW.
Anonie
I don’t care for the first example but the second one is stunning! About to go follow this account :)
Anonymous
Currently redoing my kitchen. I think medium greys are a classic but not really trendy at the moment. My kitchen designer is seeing a lot of two tone kitchens – often with darker lowers – think Hale Navy by Benjamin Moore or Hague Blue by Farrow and Ball. When brown tones are back it’s in the sense of Scandinavian wood tones – like wood floors in the kitchen or flat panel white/natural wood cabinets. I think teal is dated depending on the overall look. White or very light grey quartz for counters vs. medium grey or darker countertops.
Anonymous
Yes. Trends last about 7-10 years so gray is on its way out. Pick something you love enough to not care if it’s dated in a decade or go with a classic white quartz or marble.* Agree with the poster above that granite is down for the count and Tuscan kinds of brown and beige are probably not coming back for kitchens.
*im from the school of “mable is a classic” but I’m not totally sure our live of quartz will last 10 years.
Anonymous
I feel like browns read 1990s, or is there a current version of browns?
Anon
Yes, we’re starting to head back toward beiges, but only just beginning. It won’t trickle down to mass retailers for several more seasons. I think the average homebuyer only cares that your house is tidy and neutral enough to envision themselves there. If your walls are in good shape, leave them. The buyer might want purple for all you know.
Anonymous
Does this mean that my off-white walls and tan carpets, circa 2004 because my husband thinks you are only allowed to decorate a house once ever, are about to be fashionable again?
Anon
White, not brown. Brown and beige look bad in the kitchen.
Anon
Do what you like. You’re the one who has to look at it every day.
emeralds
We re-did our kitchen when we bought our house a year ago. We went with warm gray/greige-ish cabinets (Behr Rock Crystal) and our countertops are a warm-toned cream-and-gray quartz composite. So maybe our kitchen is at the exact middle point of that trend transition :)
And I think you can tackle paint when and if you’re selling, if you love your wall colors now. It’s your house!
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, grey is definitely on its way out. I think it’ll always be fine as a neutral color for things (just as any neutral is), but I’m so sick of looking at Instagram photos of rooms that are in color but look like they’re in greyscale. What I think is happening now is that we’re really sick of cool tones, so warmer tones are back. Note the use of pinks, rusty oranges, and browns coming back in clothing and design as well.
For countertops, it really depends on your cabinets and other fixtures. What sort of kitchen do you have?
anon
Yes, would it kill some of these home bloggers to incorporate actual colors? Gray isn’t offensive, but it has become as overdone as the browns/beiges of the early 2000s. FWIW, the browns I’m seeing now are almost a cooler, more chocolatey brown. Or mushroom, instead of full-on beige. Both bridge that middle ground between brown and gray.
Aunt Jamesina
Yup. Like Urbane Bronze, which S-W just named their color of the year. I hate color of the year trends, but this one is definitely a good representation of what’s in.
anon
Yes, great example. And I just painted my front door Urbane Bronze, so I’m thrilled to finally be at the front edge of a trend. Ha!
Senior Attorney
I feel like painted kitchen cabinets are really having a moment. A few years ago I wanted to do green cabinets in my kitchen and I didn’t end up dong the kitchen at all but now I am seeing green kitchen cabinets everywhere and they make me so happy!
Aunt Jamesina
I love green SO much. If my husband weren’t a part of the equation, everything would probably be green!
Anonymous
First time hair coloring here. I have a 3 hour appointment tomorrow for “mini highlights” which is what the stylist suggested for coloring over my emerging greys (I’m 37) during our consult. Apparently this will be relatively low maintenance and I only need it done a few times a year vs every 6 weeks, which is my goal: low maintenance grey coverage for my nearly black hair.
1. She told me to decide if i want “warm” or “cool” tones. What does this mean, exactly? I’m not finding a ton of really clear info with my googling
2. I have fair skin and dark dark brown hair (a very irish/english complexion- like Mary in Downton Abby). Do I want warm or cool tones?
3. Three hours? Is this all “active” time? Should I try and get a mani or pedi during this block or will I be in the chair most of the time? Is it ever appropriate/feasible to take a call or something like that during the appointment? (forget if it’s appropriate on the receiver end- I’m only concerned with salon ettiquite)
4. How much do I tip for a longer service like this? My haircuts are usually $55 and I pay $70 (largely because they are great cuts for that price!!)–but that big of a tip on what I assume will be more like a $200+ service seems like a LOT. Am I off on this? Should it be closer to 10-15%?
Anon
1. You should google something like, cool vs. warm highlights skin undertones. There’s some good advice out there based on the undertones of your skin–some websites will show celebrities as examples of folks with cool or warm skin undertones!
2. See above!
3. Yes, it will largely be active time–you won’t be able to get a mani/pedi. I just did a full balayage (after 1 year) and it was about 4.5 hours active time, where the stylist will work methodically through your hair to place highlights.
4. I usually do closer to 20%, but I’ve also been going to my stylist for many years now, so I feel OK paying that much for her time now. I’d say between 15-20% in your case. Highlights are a labor intensive job (even “mini-highlights!).
Hope this helps!
Anon
Oh sorry! On taking a phone call–I wouldn’t do a long call, but I think fine to take a short call or say you’re in the chair, will call later. Especially if the salon has more than just you and the stylist. I’ve definitely used my laptop during sessions when I had to do work!
Anonymous
Its not all time that someone will be “working on you”, but it is active time in that you won’t be leaving the chair. There will be stretches of 20-30 minutes that you are sitting there just waiting for the color to do its thing. You might be under a heater at the time…… Taking a call is hard, not only because of talking in an otherwise quiet place, but you will have goop on your head that you don’t want to get on the phone….. I usually just scroll/surf/play fames on my phone.
I tip 20% for this kind of service. Split between all the people who work on me (at my salon its different people who cut and color, and sometimes an assistant for the wash)
Anonymous
20% without question.
Airplane.
+1. tip appropriately, you’re spending hours in her chair.
Anon
You will be in the chair most of the time, but you’ll want a book or magazine or phone to keep occupied. And yes, tip 15-20%.
Silly Valley
You likely want cool tones based on your description of your complexion. Be aware that bleaching naturally brings out the warm tones in brown hair, so the hairstylist will likely use a toner to get things cooler. This can wear off faster than the overall lightening, so keep that in mind for maintenance.
Others have addressed your other questions. I do tend to go a slightly smaller percentage in tip when I do a cut/color rather than just a cut.
Anon
You can have a toner added between larger/longer service visits, FWIW. Cheaper and much faster. Basically a long shampoo appointment.
Aunt Jamesina
Mary has cool tones. It’ll be a lot of down time while you wait for the color to process, so I always bring a book. My stylist will sometimes even fit in another client’s haircut in while my color processes. You can absolutely make a phone call during this time.
I get my (very subtle) highlights done just once a year so my hair doesn’t look entirely dishwater-y at the height of winter. My stylist balayages them on so they don’t start right at the root and you don’t get that obvious demarcation line, and they grow out nicely. I was careful to go with a stylist who’s experienced with coloring, since there are a lot of ways it can look off.
Anon
crying watching the RBG funeral. kind of wishing it was november already bc i can’t handle all of this waiting and almost wish i could just know already what the next 4 years will be. even if i don’t like the pick, can’t decide if confirming before the election gives biden a better shot at winning. scared that whoever is next on the bench will be there for a good chunk of my kids’ lives.
Kids handling divorce
The only thing stopping me from filing for divorce is the potential damage it would do to our 8 year old son. He’s an exceptional kid and I don’t want to crush him. Is there a real benefit to waiting it out for the kids?
Anonie
Just one perspective, but I wish my parents had divorced when I was a kid instead of “waiting it out” until I was an adult. That said, there were some extremely serious and problematic issues going on in our household and an earlier divorce might have saved me years of therapy…I have never been a proponent of “we’re still best friends and have a peaceful home but are getting divorced because we lost our spark” divorces.
BabyAssociate
+1, I’ve known my parents were unhappy in their marriage for as long as I can remember, but they didn’t get divorced until I was nearly 30. I can tell you that “waiting it out” did not help anyone (parents or children).
Anonymous
I really wish this notion would die, it’s honestly perplexing to me how “stay for the children” ever started. Do you think your marriage is a great relationship role model for your child? Do you want your child to be in the same kind of relationship you have? If not, then why are you teaching him that this is what marriage looks like?
Anon
Amen to this.
Anon
Yes exactly. I’m divorced. I realized that if my daughter was in the relationship I was in, I would tell her to GTFO and that her happiness is important and that the kid(s) would be fine. Took me another year to take my own advice, but I really did not want her to grow up with this as a model for adult relationships.
Anon
One reason is if you don’t trust the other party to solo parent and you are in a state that will award joint custody absent extreme abuse. You won’t be there to protect your child and that is terrifying.
Anonymous
No studies have shown any benefit to kids of having parents stay miserable together for ten years only to divorce when they go to college.
Anon
Divorce is considered an “adverse childhood experience.” In my view, no one should stay in a marriage that isn’t working, but it does have an impact on children that needs to be managed.
Anonymous
Depends what things are like now. Are you amicable just not ‘in love’? or are you actively fighting and instable in front of him? Mediocre marriages are not damaging to kids. Amicable divorces are not damaging. What’s damaging is bad marriages and bad/high conflict divorces.
Sorry you are in this situation. If you’ve tried counselling and that hasn’t helped, maybe try counselling just for yourself to work through the options for a path forward.
Anon
Mediocre marriages might not be bad for kids, but when those kids grow up and don’t know how to be in good relationships, there will be an impact. Ask me how I know.
Anonymous
A mediocre marriage is a lot better for kids than a high conflict divorce with lots of time spent fighting in court and kids having to testify or be interviewed by psychologists about who they do or don’t want to live with and why. Ask me how I know.
Senior Attorney
+1 to Anonymous at 11:45. The thing that harms the children is the conflict. If there is conflict in the house now that will be lessened by a divorce, a divorce might be better in the long run (although certainly it will be rough at first). If the conflict continues after the divorce, it may well be worse for the child than staying together, all things considered.
Anon
My parents have a mediocre marriage and I have a great one. I don’t think it’s impacted my ability to form good relationships at all. Some aspects of a marriage don’t really impact children that much, but it’s important that they get along and treat each other with respect even if they’re.
Anon
+1
Anon
My ex and I split up when my kid was around your son’s age. Our household was not high conflict. In fact, it was incredibly loving and warm. His father and I love each other very much, but were no longer compatiable at 36 after 13 years of marriage (trust me, we didn’t just lose the spark). Our marriage counselor told me something that stuck with me a lot. In an effort to protect him, we had given our son absolutely no reason to suspect that we were anything but totally happy and in love. It really was a happy home. If we waited to divorce until he was a young adult, we were setting him up to question absolutely everything about our family and our relationship with each other and him. In his experience working with families, we would be doing more harm than good.
Our love and respect for each other allowed us to divorce in a very amicable way. We all still eat dinner toghether at least once a week. If we had spent another 10 years in our marriage, I don’t know if that would have been possible.
On another note, If we hadn’t divorced, I wouldn’t have met my current husband. I know there is a poster who always chimes in here about how parents should never date or remarry, but I really wanted the chance for that.
JHC
This is really good advice.
Carrots
Adult child of divorce here – parents divorced the summer I was 10. Best thing they could have done for me and my brother. My mom was miserable and as I got older and more perceptive, it would have been a terrible example for me on what kind of relationships to have.
Anon
A sad eight year old for a few months is much less worse than an adult whose primary example of a romantic relationship is a severely dysfunctional one. Do you want a son who can’t be or have a good romantic partner? Because that’s how you get one.
Go for it
Truth!
anonymous
Seriously. I wish I could invoice my parents for the therapy.
Halloween Mom
Only one data point here, but of my friends/acquaintances with divorced parents, the ones who have been hurt the most in the long run are the ones whose parents split when they were older teenagers or had left for college. That will screw with a kid’s sense of what a normal relationship looks like at a time when he/she is beginning to explore romantic relationships of their own. Many of those friends/acquaintances are now divorced from their spouses after 7-10 years of marriage.
I am not downplaying the seriousness of divorce on young children, but I think it depends whether your marriage falls into the “meh, not in love anymore” category, or the “we fight all the time and we are both actively miserable despite trying to make it work.”
Ari
Oh there was a whole nytimes article about this a while back. As you said, it’s a negative impact when they’re getting into relationships themselves, and it’s also confusing that they never knew their parents marriage was unhappy
Anon
The social science research depends on the levels of conflict within a marriage. Remaining in a high-conflict marriage is bad for the kids, as is divorcing when there is an unhappy but low conflict marriage. The latter is because the kid’s sense of stability is messed up: what looks like a normal, functional relationship is so bad that it resulted in divorce. That does not make a child confident in other normal, functional family relationships.
You need to think realistically what your life would be like after marriage. If you would be happier single than married, that is a factor; however, do not divorce expecting to find Prince Charming. You may find him; you may not; however, people who divorce and expect to ‘upgrade’ often wind up disappointed.
Consider your ability to co-parent your son with your husband. Consider his ability to put your son first. Is he the type to remarry quickly, start a new family, and treat your son like an afterthought of a failed marriage? Or would he be a good, involved father? Is he currently a terrible father and divorce might force him to step up to the plate (shared custody does that)?
Anon
I think staying together for the kids is mainly beneficial when it’s important to avoid a custody arrangement that places the children alone with a bad parent.
Being part of two happy households surely beats being part of one unhappy (or strained) household.
Anonymous
This. I think it matters whether OP is referring to her kid as ‘exceptional’ in the sense of a great kid or ‘Exceptional’ as in has exceptionalities/special needs that may or may not be well met by each parent separately. Two households is particularly tricky where the special needs require a specific parenting regime and lots of communication between the parents. It can be beneficial for special needs parents to have a week ‘off’ when the kid is with the other parent but that involves having a high degree of confidence in the other parent’s ability to give proper care.
Clementine
Child of divorce but also someone who strongly believes that there is a space for adults to respectfully dissolve their marriage, prioritizing the needs of their children while also giving each other space to be happy.
If you’re intersted: I mean, the extreme example was a family I grew up with. Mom fell in love with a woman after 10 years of marriage and 3 kids. Dad was surprised but supportive and ended up marrying a lovely woman who had a teenaged daughter of her own. The family had owned a double lot and Dad literally put a prefab home on the second lot. It allowed him to stay physically and emotionally close to his kids while still having his own life. Both parents were nothing but respectful for each other and their new partners. Kids did have to have rules like ‘You have to tell us by 4PM which house you’ll be at dinner for because we want to know how much to cook.’ and generally grew up happy, healthy, and well adjusted.
Anon
I got pregnant almost immediately after getting my IUD out, but had a very early miscarraige this week. Just feeling kinda bummed. Every month just seems so important at my age (late 30s). Anyone been here?
Anon
Aw – sending you hugs! Are you seeing a fertility doctor? There are a lot of things they can do to help (it is not just for IVF). I would definitely encourage you to seek one out if you haven’t already. My OB did bloodwork and all looked fine and I basically spent a year in my mid-30s trying to get pregnant. Then I saw a fertility doctor and tried a dose of a medication with a trigger shot and got pregnant. It was non-invasive and well worth it. Good luck!
OP Anon
Thank you! We haven’t seen a fertility docter yet, but we have decided to move forward with that after trying for six months or so.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m so sorry about your miscarriage.
Yes, definitely see an RE once you’re at least at the 6 month mark! As I know you know, this doesn’t get easier with age. I’m in a different boat in that I can’t get pregnant at all, but while it’s a hard process, it feels empowering to know we’re doing something about it and have a plan and a great doctor.
anononono
Hey, I’ve been there! I had a very early miscarriage in April after getting pregnant immediately after my body stabilized following getting of the pill. It was devastating in part because, like you, I was worried about every month. I then got pregnant again immediately after that and now I’m second trimester and everything seems fine. I do believe what everyone told me is true–it is a good sign you got pregnant so fast the first time. Let yourself mourn what could have been, but to the extent possible, don’t add stress on top of that. I’m so glad you reached out to a community for support. Sending you love.
OP Anon
Thanks for this!
busybee
Yes, statistically one in four of us have been here. I conceived after eight months of trying and had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks. Unfortunately that was last summer and I have not conceived again after a year of infertility treatment. I am now midway through IVF. A miscarriage and IVF were my “worst case scenarios” and I experienced both and lived to tell the tale. I was 28 when we started trying and am 30 now so although my age *should* be on my side, it hasn’t helped me at all. You will feel sad for quite some time but there’s nowhere to go but forward.
OP Anon
Thank you for sharing, and I’m sorry you experienced that.
Aunt Jamesina
“there’s nowhere to go but forward”. Yes, exactly! This has been a real lesson in patience and disappointment for me, but it’s one foot in front of the other or nothing.
Anon
I’ve had very early miscarriages two of the last four months. And “bummed” was exactly how I felt. I’m late 30s too. I’m also encouraged – we’re definitely not having trouble getting pregnant! The timing would have been pretty awesome as kid would have been same school grade as a bunch of friends’ kids, and now we’re looking at the next grade. But it is what it is, and in six years who knows who we’ll be hanging out with?
All this to say, hang in there. I can’t decide if I should tell people about this or not – I want to be a part of removing the stigma around talking about miscarriage, but I also don’t want to make others feel bad or work it into conversations awkwardly, and honestly I don’t think I need support from friends at this stage?
OP Anon
I feel the same ambivalance about telling people. It was nice to share it somewhere though.
Anon
I use this board the exact same way. I hope we both have good luck in the near future!
Anon
I had five pregnancies, three live births, two living children. The path to motherhood can be difficult. Miscarriages are common. It’s worth it! You will get there.
Anon
I was in your shoes some years ago – got pregnant right away shortly after turning 39, and had an early miscarriage (no heartbeat). I then had a chemical pregnancy three months later. At that point I became concerned that I was approaching 40 and decided to see my RE (who had frozen my eggs a few years earlier). I got pregnant with a healthy baby after one round of IVF and gave birth at 40, and had my second a few years later (using my frozen eggs). Depending on exactly how old you are (37 gives you better odds than 39, of course) and how many kids you want, you may want to see an RE sooner rather than later. Miscarriages can be emotionally difficult, and they also eat up time. Good luck! Many many women get pregnant in their late 30s (read that Jean Twenge article from a few years back) so your chances are still good.
Anonymous
I’ve been there, and a good friend has been exactly there (miscarriage and everything). We’re both mothers now (me through IVF and her the old fashioned way). I remember how awful it was, every month hoping that I was pregnant. Don’t wait to see an RE, use the ovulation test sticks, and good luck. FYI, my fertility clinic (and I assume others) offer a ‘fertility check-up’ now for ~$100. It might be something to look into now. From the other side, I’m thinking of you.
Depressed SO
What, if anything, should you do when someone close to you is depressed? My boyfriend finally admitted to himself about a month again that he is dealing with some serious depression. I’ve encourgaged him to see a doctor and get some help, but he claims it is situational from his job loss, which was caused by COVID, and will just go away when he gets a new job. Even if that was true, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get some help now and doesn’t help resolve the issue since his depression is really hindering his ability to look for a new job. I know it’s somewhat selfish, but it is really hard to live with someone who is seriously depressed and it is really pissing me off that he refuses to do anything to get treatment. I’ve not shared those feelings with him.
Long story short, what can I be doing to help him?
Anonymous
You’re not being selfish. He is unemployed and needs to look for a new job. I’m also not convinced that this is purely situational. Lots of bad things will happen in life. Job loss is hard but it is not harder than losing a parent. Resilience is a really important skill and it’s one that can be improved with therapy.
Been There
I encourage you to repost this in the afternoon thread, partially because I’m very interested in others’ responses as well.
My boyfriend has depression and/or anxiety problems that he also refuses to treat, despite us talking about it several times (I even offered to pay for counseling). I’m not sure what else do do because you really can’t force someone to get help if they’re resistant to it. I’m working through this in my own therapy sessions, so I don’t have great advice at this point. I don’t think you’re selfish because of course it affects you that someone you love is struggling, AND it also isn’t selfish or bad that you’re upset he won’t get help.
Anonymous
Break up
Airplane.
+1. Read this to yourself, would you tell a girlfriend who stayed with this man that she’s doing the right thing?
“He refuses to seek treatment for his anxiety and depression despite us talking about it several times and the fact that I offered to pay for his counseling.
Been There
I do think that’s where it’s heading for me, unfortunately. It’s so hard to actually do it, especially because we live together and have a dog, and he’s really great otherwise. It’s item 1 on my list for therapy this weekend.
OP– I’m not saying that’s the right path for you, but it’s also ok if a refusal to treat a mental illness is a dealbreaker for you.
Ellen
Elizabeth, this is a great sheath dress! I wish I had the body to pull this off, but am a little to heavy in the tuchus for this one.
As for the OP, you can try to get him to get professional help, but ultimately, since you are not married to him, nor have any ties or connection to be heading there, you may just need to part ways if he sits back and does not help himself or get help. Dad told me so many times with my ex that “you are not his Florence Nightengale” and neither are you. That means that even if you are sleepeing with him, you should not be his nurse or punching bag, as many of our married freinds can tell you. They are stuck for the time being, but you are NOT. Help, try to help, but if he doesn’t want to go along, just send him along. No one wants or needs an albatross in the Pandemic, no matter how charatable we may otherwise may be.
Anon+Probate+Atty
Try to get recommendations for a male psychologist (I suggest male because maybe he would be too embarrassed to see a female? but I don’t know him so maybe not?). Then present it to him like, I know you are not entirely comfortable with this, but I’m asking you to try it just once, and if you hate it, don’t go back. Eventually, if he is a good therapist, he’ll likely mention that antidepressants can help. These drugs really can help, a lot, and if the therapist doesn’t suggest it, you could gently bring that topic up later, as well (my friends x and y have tried Prozac/Wellbutrin and it really helped them and it’s so commonly prescribed these days. Would you talk to the dr. about it?)
Anon
It’s very hard. One of my best friends is dealing with anxiety to the point where she’s binge-eating, not exercising, feeling self-identified “despair,” and she just chewed me out for gently responding to her OWN suggestion of looking into therapy that it would be a good idea. It can be very hard to talk to people who are depressed and even harder to encourage them to seek treatment. All you can really do is set your own boundaries, which this experience with my friend has reminded me. She’ll talk all day in circular reasoning if you let her. Be there for your boyfriend, but don’t hesitate to put a time limit on conversations or to go outside for a break or whatever you need to do.
CountC
If he doesn’t want to get help, there isn’t much you can do. I’m sorry. I have experienced depression for going on 20+ years. I know that if something is not right, I need to change something or see my doctor or therapist. That is on me and not my loved ones.
Claudia
Hi, first I want to commend you for your bravery- it’s really hard to express concern about a love one and reach out to others for help, even if it’s anonymously on the internet. I live with major depression, as does my husband. It’s hard (I’m a fan of brutal honesty), but we have a very loving relationship with frank and open communication, and we regularly check in about how our moods and decisions are affecting one another. It was not easy to get to this point, and I shared more of our experience below, but I also realize you asked what you can do, so here are some suggestions. Some simple things you can do is ask him to do couples therapy with you, you can focus on how the two of you can interact and balance your relationship with his depression. You can also go to therapy on your own- and talk with the therapist about the impact of his depression on you. Both of these might be helpful for him to realize that his depression and lethargy are affecting others. There is a ton of stigma out there about seeking help for mental illness, especially for men. You can also look into your local chapter of the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) and see when their next Family-to-Family class is coming up, this is a class that focuses on providing education to close friends and family members about the impact of mental illness on someone. NAMI chapters also often have support groups, there are some for people living with mental illness, as well as groups for the family/friends of those people. Right now, finding support for yourself is probably the best thing you can do for you. I also encourage you to look into resources in your community- where I live we have a “warm line” which is where people struggling with a mental illness episode can call and talk to a peer for support. I also encourage you to find out the number for the mental health crisis resources in your area, that way you have it available if his behavior ever becomes significantly concerning to you. Another thing that could help in conversations- most mental health treatment focuses on addressing the experiences and behavior of the person involved, there is little judgment or focus on *why* someone is feeling the way they are, but more so how it is impacting their life. His depression might be 100% situational, losing your job sucks for a whole pile of reasons, but that doesn’t make it any easier to pull out of that depression and find a new job, or something else that gives that same sense of worth and value. I wish you the best of luck, it’s hard to see in the moment, but this too will pass.
Our story: When we met, he’d already had multiple hospitalizations for suicidality, been to numerous therapists and tried a variety of medications, none had worked on a long-term basis. During his first long-term depressive episode, I eventually sat down with him and explained that I was concerned, I told him what I was afraid would happen if this continued. I told him I wanted him to do something to focus on getting better- at the time he was just depressed and hating himself for being depressed. We talked about what had been helpful in the past and he agreed to go to the gym regularly- this was his suggestion, I hate the gym. I know everyone says exercise is the magic fix for depression, it’s helpful for many, and the science behind it stimulating dopamine is undeniable, but I dislike exercise so much, that it takes more out of me to go to the gym than I get from the benefit of working out. I just mention this because some people think that going to the gym will solve all mental health issues and that’s not always true. Anyway, after about a month, he had only gone to the gym 2 or 3 times, so we talked again, I expressed my concern and suggested therapy. I told him that I know he hates therapy, and I just wanted him to take some step to getting better, therapy was what had worked for me in the past. I encouraged him to talk to a professional he trusted- he started with his PCP, because he’d found her supportive and not too pushy. She suggested he do an intensive outpatient treatment (IOP)- and he did. This was a little over a year ago, since then, he has had 3 individual therapists, tried multiple medications, as well as a magnet treatment. He now has a therapist he likes. He has also been unemployed for that time and we are working on getting him approved for disability- he is a severe case, and we are very lucky that I was recently promoted and can financially support us. Although our tax returns and stimulus checks have been clutch. It has been a long, hard road, and it’s definitely not over. But he is incredibly supportive and loving, and his support allows me to do things that I never could before we met. I just want you to know you’re not alone and it can get better.
Enginerd with Depression
Help comes in many forms. And some of the things that can help you can walk next to him even if he’s resistant to talk therapy or additional “formal” help.
Things that help me:
* Get outside, air, sunshine and exercise are all good things. Hikes are great because getting away into nature helps too. Going for a 20 minute run is my personal “get out of jail free” card of sorts… but it doesn’t have to be a run. A fast walk or a good hike can help a lot too. Hubby will ask me “hey, let’s go for a walk after dinner” and it’s easy to say yes.
* Getting sunlight, especially if you’r in the northern part of the USA, SAD starts hitting this time of year. Therapy lights work nicely but if he’s eschewing formal help… 10,000 lux and it is going to run ~$100 on Amazon if he’s down to try it.
* Eating healthy well – balanced meals, and honestly, just taking the time to be with your SO during a meal. Sometimes just hanging out with others helps one feel human and valuable.
* Listening if he needs to talk, anything really to help relieve the stress
* Doing what he loves, hobbies, even if it doesn’t “feel” good… feeling can follow .
I won’t tell you to abandon someone who’s going through a rough time, and I won’t tell you to stick with a BF who won’t help themselves… but if you’re not married then drawing that boundary for yourself and taking care of yourself are acceptable, if difficult things to do. You get to choose your limit, and if you’re already feeling this way you may need to figure out where your personal boundaries are and plan for if/when your personal limits are reached. Saying you, yourself, are not strong enough to bear his burden when he won’t seek other help is a healthy thing to know, if it is true.
Anon
My husband has a history of depression and can be resistant to pharmaceutical or counselling help. He often views asking for help as being defeated or weak. I think that can be pretty common misconception especially for men due to societal norms.
My DH has had a rough year too. For me I have had better success we look at it through the lens of his life being that of a friends instead of his own. Sometimes we are kinder to others then ourselves. These are some of the things I say/ask him:
-I understand why you are resistant to taking meds or talking to someone about your problems. But what is a reasonable amount for a person to go through and expect to overcome completely on their own?
-So far this year you are dealing with: Job loss, Losing a parent, relocation, pandemic etc. That’s more then many go through in 5 years.
-Is it ok for someone to get situational support through a tough time? Would you judge someone else for taking meds or getting help temporarily due to major life changes?
-At what point is it ok for someone to give themselves grace, forgiveness and get help for things out of their control that are complicated and stressful?
-Worst case what happens if that person tries it and it doesn’t work?
Last I remind him that no one needs to know if does get help. It’s up to him if, who, and when he chooses to share details with.
Anon
Chinese grocery stores near Santa Monica? I’ll be moving there soon and have no idea where to find Chinese / Vietnamese groceries nearby! I know there are Japanese and Korean grocery stores in Sawtelle and Ktown, but they may not have all the ingredients I’ll want to cook with, and driving down to Little Saigon for Vietnamese groceries is pretty far. I’m willing to drive a fair bit and stock up, but wanted to get a lay of the land from locals :)
Anon
You can also make the trip to Alhambra/San Gabriel east of downtown, and it’s closer than Westminster. The supermarkets there have *every*thing. I remember one store was called Ai Hoa, I think. You can always try Yelp…
Anon
Light comment for today, I started watching Call the Midwife (partially based on recs here) and I’m really enjoying it. One thing that I noticed is that it’s one of the few shows I’ve seen where older women play a big role and are not irrelevant (or worse, only made relevant for being “sexy over sixty” or something). I love the depth and experience the nuns bring to their roles in the show and their interactions across generations (and I’m an atheist so the appeal is not religious for me). I still have a few seasons to go, but I thought I’d ask if anyone has any other recommendations for similar period dramas or other shows that feature older women in cool, non-romantic roles.
Anon
Also interested in these recs, I love Call the Midwife!
anon
YES! I love this show and that’s one of the reasons why. (Also, team Sister Monica Joan for life!) Not only are older women relevant, but the show actually deals with aging in a way that feels serious and respectful but not dramatic, with a strong note of compassion running through it.
Airplane.
Grace & Frankie
anonshmanon
Loooved it, but it took me a bit to get into.
Thanks it has pockets!
Oh my gosh, that’s one of my favorite shows! I fell in love with it maybe 7ish years ago when there was just a few seasons out on Netflix, but it really is addictive.
Ness
Happy valley, not period drama but I think you will like it.
Z
Imposter Syndrome, anyone? I just got a recognition award for work I did on a project over the summer, but I feel like its not actually deserving of an award? And that my work isn’t actually that good and they’ll find out sooner or later.
Abby
Congrats!! I’ve been struggling – combination of my last workplace being toxic enough to shake my workplace confidence, and starting a job completely remote thanks to COVID, I’m always worried my new team will realize I’m not good enough for the job they hired me for.
I’m working on talking to myself like you would a friend: You are smart and hardworking!
anonamouse
Looking for book suggestions for my SIL, who is on bedrest and specifically requested books. She has very specific taste: easy-reading contemporary novels with a big central romance. The tricky part is that she refuses to read things where the cover or title is explicitly about the romance, because she perceives those books as “trashy.” Frankly I think she’d really enjoy that type of book if she would let go of that hangup, but since she’s on bedrest and I am trying to improve my relationship with her, I’m just trying to deliver exactly what she asked for. I would be very grateful for any suggestions!
Anon
A lot of Danielle Steel novels fit the bill. Some of the covers and titles are very generic, but there’s usually a good romance storyline. A lot of titles are widely available as eBooks at my library.
Anon
Beach Read or Red White and Royal Blue…
Anonymous
Check out author Miriam Keyes
Eager Beaver
The Rosie Project?
Eager Beaver
Anything by JoJo Meyers or Jane Fallon would probably work too.
Eager Beaver
Moyes not Meyers.
Anonie
The Cactus by Sarah Haywood, The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion, The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley, The Hopefuls by Jennifer Close…I didn’t think I read much of this genre, but apparently I’ve read more than I realized over the past couple years. Also, apparently, this light-hearted, middling rom-com style book can be recognized by a title that starts with the word “The” :)
Oh and one I really loved: “Standard Deviation” by Katherine Heiny about the ups and (frequently funny) downs of marriage and parenthood. I am not married yet, so who knows how accurate it is haha. Still, I loved the writing and everything about it!
givemyregards
I’d recommend Jasmine Guillory or Emily Giffin books – the covers look like chicklit, but not bodice rippers. And if she’s that embarrassed by the covers, maybe a kindle loaded with romance books? That might be more than you’re wanting to spend in this case, but I will admit that a perk of switching to e-books was that no one could tell whether I was really Tolstoy or the Hunger Games.
Vicky Austin
Emily Giffin is a huge favorite of mine and I agree, great for this purpose.
Carrots
She might enjoy Jasmine Guillory’s novels. The covers aren’t bodice-rippers if that’s what she means by “explicitly” romance, but a few reference romantic things (Wedding Date, The Proposal, etc.)
Anonymous
Anything Jasmine Guillory. The Royal We (not the sequel). Jennifer Weiner (not Big Summer). Jojo Moyes.
Anonymous
Author Sophie Kinsella?
rw
I agree with the recommendations above.. another author to check out could be Julie James… her covers are pretty innocuous, but they are romance.
Does she not like historical at all? Susanna Kearsley is one of my favorites to recommend to people who only want a bit of romance with a good story. The stories mostly have a dual timeline between today and sometime historical.
Anonymous
Elin Hilderbrand? Jennifer Weiner?
anon for this
Eligible comes to mind.
You might check out the site Smart B*tches, Trashy Books — they focus on romance reviews. I recently ordered When No One Is Watching based on a review there, but I haven’t read it yet.
emeralds
I’d look for anything marketed as romantic comedy, which is a major subset of the romance/women’s fiction market share. Maybe try Talia Hibbert’s books about the Brown sisters? The Roommate by Rosie Danan? Beach Read by Emily Henry?
emeralds
Ugh, some recs are in mod.
Anonymous
The Royal We and The Heir Affair, and anything by Jasmine Guillory
BabyAssociate
What about the Crazy Rich Asians books?
Anonymous
Gosh, this is hard with the restrictions on title and cover art.
American Royals, Evvie Drake Starts Over, and The Royal Runaway, fit the bill. Maybe add Beatriz Williams’ Schuyler Sisters books if historical fiction is OK? They are less romance-centered, but a romance is involved.
anon
The Outlander series if she hasn’t read it yet. There’s a lot of romance, and they’re a little trashy, but there’s just enough history to make you feel like it’s not completely trashy.
Clementine
Heads up the second book contains a stillbirth that is very traumatic so give her a heads up on that one if it’s pregnancy related bedrest.
(I do love the books though!)
Clementine
All the Kevin Kwan Crazy Rich Asians/China Rich Girlfriend books come to mind.
Cat
Crazy Rich Asians, The Royal We
Anon
I’d recommend the Penny Vicenzi trilogy starting with No Angel!
kk
Evvie Drake Starts Over is my recent favorite of this genre, and The Bookish Life of Nina Hill is a close second, followed by How to Find Love in a Bookshop. Books by Josie Silver (One Day in December) are even lighter while Christina Lauren (The Unhoneymooners) are a little saucier. The Gentlemans guide to Vice and Virtue is strange and delightful. The Lions of Fifth Avenue and the Paris Seamstress are both historical and breezy with contemporary themes.
Anon
Have her try Kristin Higgins. She has some more typical contemporary romances and some more modern ones.
Anon
I have the same taste restrictions, and I have given trashy books a try and really don’t like them at all. It’s not just the covers. This includes books written by authors I respect and enjoy when they write other genres. But if for her it’s mostly the covers, I’ve noticed that a lot of modern (new adult?) romance books are copying the general cover design of the Hating Game.
Sloan Sabbith
Side note: God, I hated The Hating Game. I usually love books like that, but enemies to lovers always just seems so forced and unrealistic to me.
Marie
Agree on The Hating Game. There was something so childish about their antics that I just found the characters irritating. I don’t mind enemies to lovers, but not in that case.
anonamouse
OP here – thank you all so much for the recommendations!! I am making a big reference list and expect that it will get me through many years gifts for SIL.
Anon
Jill Mansell writes lovely books that always include romance but also a lot about life in some small city in England. These are my go to escape books.
Marie
You got so many good suggestions on specific books, but if she is stressed about cover art, why not suggest she try audiobooks she can listen to with headphones on? Then cover art becomes a non-issue and she is less limited on what she can read.
Ness
One day and anyone from Maryan Keyes.A charming man is my favorite one, but, also written lightly maybe too serious.
Anon
Diksha Basu, “The Windfall” sounds like it would meet her needs. She has a second book, “Destination Wedding”, which is obviously romance related and while I enjoyed it enough, the first book was better.
Anonie
Ah I read that and really enjoyed it!
Jules
Late to this thread, but maybe Good Riddance by Elinor Lipman? I wouldn’t say there’s a “big” romance, but romance of various types central to the book, which is lovely and warm.
anon
Maybe “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society”? It has been many years since I read it, but I seem to remember it being centered around a romance.
Digby
Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand, by Helen Simonson.
The Garden of Small Beginnings by Abbi Waxman.