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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I was wondering if the poster with the golf husband from a few weeks ago has any updates. I’m curious if you were able to figure out a mutual solution so he can have his hobby and you can have fairness in childcare.
Desigirl
Interesting… I was out with a couple of girlfriends this weekend, we all read this blog and the “golf husband” came up. We were all of the opinion that the hubby was playing a more aerobic sport, in private with a female companion!
Anon
That seems like a huge leap. I know a lot of golf widows and a lot of inattentive husbands/dads who aren’t cheating on their wives.
Anonymous
In contrast with cycling it’s almost always ends with an affair.
Daisy
Nah, that’s not the vibe I got from that letter at all. I have no doubt the guy was actually golfing, hanging around at the clubhouse, getting away from the kids for some “me time”…. 6 hours per weekend.
Saguaro
+1
anon
Agreed. This sounds so freaking typical for a certain type of dude.
Anon
+1000
Golf Widow OP
I think that was me. My post was several months back, so there may have been another golf widow since I posted. I posted about how at the time I had a 10 month old and a 3 year old. They’re a little older now, which has made a difference especially since the baby is less needy and we’re done nursing now, no more ear infections (at least not three in a row), etc.
I do understand the hypothesis that he’s cheating– for a lot of reasons I don’t believe that to be the case here. Many of the reasons are internal/personal, but one big reason is that these golf trips are usually with guys that I know and trust and am also friends with, and frankly I think they’d judge him hard for an affair and would also tell me, or at least tell their wives who I believe would tell me… coupled with the personal reasons that I just don’t think it fits our fact pattern. But I can understand where that would appear to be possible.
Things are much better now. After my post here I immediately scheduled a week long trip. He freaked. I went anyway. It was fine. I now go out of town every eight weeks or so, just to do it. He still goes on the golf trips, but now he either asks his parents to keep the kids while he is gone or, if they are not available, gets a sitter or at least offers to get a sitter. Half of the problem for me was just the expectation that I am willing to cover childcare at any time, for any amount of time, for him to do whatever he pleases. I think he finally understood that was pissing me off.
I went to a therapist (by myself) and helped reframe a lot of it in my mind– if I couldn’t get him to do more or be more present, then I could at least assert my own independence. Meaning, I plan stuff on my own now and don’t ask if he can cover the childcare– I tell him he will be covering the childcare. I hire a babysitter anytime he’s gone more than one night in a row. The housekeeper comes biweekly, but I have her come on the off week if he’s gone more than three nights. He knows the longer he’s out of town, the more I spend on outsourcing what he should be doing… and we’re both ok with that.
One big change we made was that if he’s not traveling for work, and a kid is sick, IT IS ON HIM no matter what. This was a result of me missing a lot of work in early baby constant ear infection days (that actually is what led to my post and to my complete meltdown– there were two weeks where I never worked two consecutive days, because I was home with an ear infection baby while he was either working out of town [acceptable] or playing in a mother effing golf tournament [obviously not acceptable]).
Overall, he has made some improvements and has a better attitude towards me (no longer takes for granted that I am available for childcare), and I now outsource anything I feel he should be doing. It’s not perfect but it’s much better– thank you for asking.
Anon
Thanks for the update. It sounds like you really handled this well – I think it’s awesome you went on a trip and just made it work instead of falling into the trap of staying home and helping him parent. Good for you!
Anon
I’m so glad to hear things are better!
Daisy
Your therapist’s advice sounds like it was very helpful, and it sounds like it boils down to the old adage: the only person you can control is you. Glad to hear a positive update.
Anon
I love this update! Glad to hear it.
Anonymous
Clapping loudly for you (not golf claps)!
Anonymous
I wish I had handled some problems in my marriage this way!
Anon
The golf to cheating leap to me seems ridiculous! Although my husband does come home every single Sunday afternoon tired and sweaty . . .
UHU
(Hockey) Cheers for you!!
Anon
I think Trump is going to get re-elected. It’s too early to be this depressed about it but I can’t help it. I’m a progressive who wants single payer and all that good stuff, but apparently it’s not what most voters want even as the Dem candidates stumble over each other to be farthest to the left as possible. So many of these issues that Dems are doubling down on (health care, border/ICE abolishment, reparations) are so toxic that they require safe handling and instead we’re seeing them fumble constantly and strive for new woke sound bites. Really scared.
Anonymous
Drama lama.
Anon
Feel free to scroll on by instead of name-calling. What is it about intelligent women discussing politics that upsets you?
Anonymous
The over the top woe is us all attitude. It’s primary season. There are tons of excellent candidates and every reason to be hopeful, and no reason to start this discussion today.
Anon
Can’t even spell llama
Anon
ha!
ElisaR
haha true
Anon
I think he’s going to get re-elected too, but less because of Dem infighting and more because incumbent presidents in a good economy almost never lose. People don’t appreciate what an advantage Trump has going into this election, even with pretty dismal poll numbers.
Anon
And also because a large, less vocal portion of America is similarly racist and he’s feeding right into them, validating their long held beliefs (see: my in-laws).
I too fear but feel confident he will be reelected.
+1
This. I think people are underestimating how much well-off, economically stable, people who don’t want to give “freeloaders” things.
I know because I live in SEC country. And people who consider themselves perfectly nice and not racist are going to vote for him or not vote, but def. not voting for a Democrat.
It is so discouraging as a POC and a blue dot in this area of the country, but I think the coastal bubbles are not considering this is the likely outcome. No matter how good a candidate we have.
As someone outside the bubble, who is more left-leaning than most, I think the ideological purity thing is really killing us. I am all for strengthening the safety net, equality and inclusion, you name it, but I also realize that we all need to hold our nose and vote for the nominee, and frankly, that is not a thing we do.
Young liberals who want to burn the house down because “[insert preferred candidate] or nothing” are not considering things like the ideological shifts that are occurring in our courts! These are lifetime appointments and this is chipping away at the few protections and safeguards we have.
Anon
I agree. Absent a real turn in the market, which is possible over the next 18 months and is overdue, I think he is going to get reelected.
Monday
+1. Also, I just read that his approval rate among identified Republicans is over 90%. And he doesn’t need to win the popular vote.
Anon
I actually think he will win both the popular vote and the electoral college this time, which will be devastating and terrifying (what will he do when he has a ‘mandate’ and doesn’t have to run again?)
Daisy
I think the good news on this score is that I don’t think he’s holding back in order to win reelection at this point — he pretty much does whatever he wants to, already.
Irish Midori
I’m afraid you’re right. I dared to hope at one point that the GOP would actually put up a challenger and split the vote up, but I think we are getting ready to buckle up for another four years of terrible tweeting. I’ll work against it, but mentally be ready for defeat.
Trying not to be too dramatic about it though. It’s not a bright time in history, but USA has survived some pretty awful presidents before.
anon
I agree with you. The infighting among the Democrats is going to tank this election, I’m afraid. Look, I’m a moderate who leans slightly to the left. At this point, I care much less about candidates’ policy stances than I do about getting a decent human being into office. Because whoever comes after 45 is going to have one he!! of a cleanup job on his or her hands. I’m just completely disgusted by my country right now, TBH.
Anon for this too
I so agree. My husband insists he can’t possibly get re-elected because if nothing else people will vote against him out of exhaustion over all the daily insanity but for all these reasons I think/dread he will. Preemptive drama? Maybe, but I can’t help feeling it, and the anti-depressant isn’t helping. Thank you, Anon for voicing what many of us are feeling.
Anon
There is always substantial infighting during a presidential primary. In 2016, the republicans were attacking Trump left and right in the primary. But once it came to the general, most conservative voters were willing to support Trump regardless of who they supported in the primary. The problem isn’t the infighting that happens during every primary, it is that liberals are not willing to support the democratic candidate and instead either don’t vote or vote 3rd party because they can’t get over the fact that their preferred candidate lost the primary and some mistaken crazy belief that the two party candidates are the same.
Anonymous
Never forget a black gay man telling me there was no difference btwn Hillary and Donald.
anononon
I don’t think it’s infighting, I think it is the run to the left that is occurring right now. Trump’s biggest weakness is immigration, and the Dems are neutralizing that by wanting to decriminalize, ending raids and deportations, etc. There won’t be a candidate from either party who supports most people’s view on immigration.
anononon
(weakness to swing voters, I should say)
Anon
Yep. Rs are way better at uniting behind the lesser of two evils. A lot of Ds won’t vote for anyone who isn’t perfect. I had so many Catholic friends who were “Never Trump” in the Republican primary and professed to be just as disgusted by him as I was. Guess what? They all voted for Trump, because Hillary wanted to kill babies. Until the Democratic party can unite the way Republicans do, we’re never going to be as competitive at national elections.
Anon
OP here and this is what worries me – that people will push for the “perfect” candidate in the primary because they can’t support anyone who isn’t super progressive in every way, but then we’ll get burned in the general and/or have more progressives splitting off to vote for “perfect” third candidates like…Jill Stein. I do know some people who are saying they’ll vote for whichever Democrat is on the ballot, but I know others who are drawing lines in the sand and saying they can’t vote for anyone who doesn’t want to abolish ICE or whatever. That is not workable.
emeralds
Totally agreed. I read a think-piece from an anti-Trump Texas Republican the other week, arguing that the benchmark Democrats should be using was “Will this candidate fly with the Rotary Club in Kenosha, WI?” And I’m about as progressive as they come, but I’d rather win than have a candidate that aligns 100% to my personal beliefs. That is–not the attitude I see reflected on progressive friends’ social media.
With that said, there’s a lot of time left before I succumb to despair. And I hope that everyone feeling pessimistic about our chances for the next election with channel that into relentless get-out-the-vote activism, donations, etc., in her local community.
Anon
But that anti-Trump Texas Republican has a lot of personal reasons to want a conservative Democrat, because they would likely agree on must policy issues. Although I’m sick of progressives refusal to vote for a non-perfect candidate, I also hate the fact that conservatives nominate the most extreme candidate (and win) when many liberals push for a middle of the road candidate who excites no one
anon a mouse
I think he is likely to get reelected because there are just too many people who see incendiary headlines on social media and believe them, or who only watch Fox and don’t understand they aren’t getting the whole story. We gutted public education in America over the last 40 years, especially in the rural areas, and now we have voters who don’t actually know how to think. And who assume that just because someone was on television he’s smart.
I hope to hell I’m wrong, because I have seem a lot of people mobilize that never did before. But the electoral college math favors the GOP.
Anon
“All Trump voters are dumb” is a great pro-Trump line.
Anonymous
And an entirely true one
Anon
They’re not all dumb. I know some very smart people who are totally willing to live in a police state and throw kids in cages because their bank accounts will be fine. Rich white people have very little to lose under the Trump administration, so long as they have made peace with the fact that others will suffer.
Anonymous
yeah, it’s not wrong though. They are either dumb, racist or both. Anyone with the most basic understanding of world politics, understands that his policies are setting up decades of blowback in terms of consequences for the US.
Anonymous
So calling people racist and dumb is a losing strategy, and it’s also a double edged sword. Some Democrats have made horrible racist comments, and that gives me pause in voting for a Democrat either.
Anonymous
@ anon 10:22
I didn’t say anything about comments. I said policies. IDGAF about what he tweets. His policies are going to result in blow back for decades for the US. We’ve learned nothing from injecting ourselves against the Russians against Afghanistan or Vietnam decades ago or Latin American policies in the 80s and we are living with the consequences now. DT’s inane policies are only going to make things much much worse for decades to come. Especially re his inept handling of China.
MEEE
Fyi – Calling all trump supports dumb and racist is a great way to win them over to your side . We can do better than name calling people who disagree with you.
Sarabeth
Calling people dumb or racist to their faces isn’t an effective strategy. But acknowledging that they are dumb and/or racist is an absolutely necessary part of putting together an effective strategy. Otherwise we’ll keep trying to appeal to people as if they had intelligence and/or morals.
anon a mouse
That’s not what I said, and I think there are plenty of voters who are willing and excited to vote for him and his (extremely harmful) policies. But there is a not-small part of the population who assumes that he is a great guy because NBC gave him a long-running television show. That segment overlaps with the people who assumes that everything from the government is terrible while relying on Medicare and Social Security.
Anon
“NBC gave him a long-running television show. That segment overlaps with the people who assumes that everything from the government is terrible while relying on Medicare and Social Security.” This is my mother.
“Clearly he’s successful because he’s rich and famous.”
“You know he inherited his wealth and has declared bankruptcy more than once?”
“Well, when you’re that entrepreneurial, of course you’ll declare bankruptcy a couple times.”
“Security net programs are awful. Lazy people should work!”
“But what about your SS and Medicare?”
“Well that’s different, I paid in.”
“You paid in pennies per month compared to what you take out.”
“Well, I still paid in. I earned it.”
So.many.times.
Anon
Public education and critical thinking are quickly becoming lost arts. I had a discussion yesterday with someone who tried to convince me that climate change was not caused by human actions, but was a result of the sun expanding each year and that soon the earth was going to be inside the sun.
Anonymous
:/ what is wrong with these people
Anonymous
+1 K, especially “We gutted public education in America over the last 40 years, especially in the rural areas, and now we have voters who don’t actually know how to think. “
RR
It’s a little early to give up. And I don’t mean that to be snarky because I feel the same despair that you do. But, it’s early in the primary. We don’t have a candidate to get behind yet, so it’s hard to tell if the Democrats will get behind the candidate. Remember that there are more of us than them, and even a candidate as divisive as Hillary (whom I loved) got more votes, and we are not that many years out from Obama winning, and we did well in the midterms. It’s about getting out the vote as we move toward the election. It’s exhausting and depressing, but giving up now pretty much insures that he will win. It would be very difficult for any candidate to be more divisive than Hillary was–they had decades to demonize her–and our base should be motivated and passionate in a way we haven’t been in decades. Don’t look to his base to change their minds. They won’t, and they don’t need to for a Democrat to win. We just need to do our jobs.
Anonymous
Right. Are you looking for the messiah? We have a great field of excellent candidates.
Anon
Exactly. Do what you can. I believe turnout is everything so I focus my efforts there. Donate money, door knock, write postcards to likely Dems to tell them their vote is important. If you are interested in the postcard effort it’s pretty easy to track down. Door knocking isn’t for everybody but I did it for the first time for 2018 and actually enjoyed it—it felt good to get out and talk to folks and engage on the importance of voting. My partner and I are saving up our vacation to take long weekends leading up to the election to door knock etc. in the weeks leading up to the election. I have had a lot of similar despair conversations and my response is what are you going to do about it?
RR
Totally agree. And I’m in a major swing state, so door knocking, postcards, rides, etc. are so critical.
Daisy
Thank you for your efforts, both posters above!
Anonymous
Yeah, the ONLY candidate who has a chance is Joe.
Anon
If Dems nominate Biden, I think we have a good chance. (And I say this as a huge Mayor Pete fan.) Vast swaths of this country can’t stomach a “progressive,” but they’d be fine with someone “safe” who represents a return to normalcy. I’m thinking of my entire family here – they’re Reagan and Bush Republicans and they’re really appalled by the discourse in the Trump Administration. They’re the Republicans who held their nose to vote for Trump.
If Dems nominate a progressive, America is forked.
In related news, I heard Billy Joel’s “We didn’t start the fire” last night (can hardly believe it’s from 1989!) and was comforted(?) by the reminder that the world’s always been a messed up place. I mean, we’re not facing down credible weekly threats of nuclear annihilation like during the Cold War, so we’ve got that going for us…
emeralds
No, we’ve just switched temperature extremes to start facing down credible constant threats of climate-based annihilation from global warming ;)
Anon
Haha, yeah – I didn’t say we were better off ;)
Anon
If Dems nominate Biden, I think Trump gets reelected with the popular vote this time. No one I know is excited about him, he has a lot of baggage that impacts voters on both sides of the aisles (VP to Obama, sexism and racism). I don’t understand why anyone is pushing for him, and no one I know in real life has been able to articulate a reason to elect him.
Anon
Do you live in the Rust Belt? He is a very “safe” candidate, especially to older, white, male, less affluent voters (although really to white men in general) who aren’t enthusiastic about Trump but feel the current Democratic party is way too far left and too “PC”. I think Biden is the only Dem who has a real chance of winning Ohio and Pennsylvania, which are key to winning the WH. It matters zero percent that diehard liberals in SF and NYC aren’t excited about Biden, since there is no way those states are going for Trump. I agree the popular vote might be closer than it was in ’16 but the popular vote does not matter – electoral college is the only thing that does.
Anon
Moved from PA to OH in the last year, and I agree with you.
Anonymous
This. The popular vote does NOT matter. EC matters. Biden looks like a President out of central casting. That’s what will matter to swing voters who are not bothered by Trump’s racism but find him to generally be unPresidential.
RR
I mean, Biden isn’t my favorite, but I do know a lot of people excited about him. He appeals to blue collar workers in swing states. He’s a generally likeable guy. The very fact that he’s more centrist makes him more electable.
Anonymous
I’ve witnessed so little enthusiasm for Biden in the swing state where I live and the swing state where I’m from. I don’t know any Trump voters who have soured on Trump (I do know Republicans who have warmed up to him). The Republicans I know who will never vote for Trump still complain much more about Obama and the Clintons. I predict they will just stay home no matter who the Democrat candidate is, even if they express a preference now. This is just my bubble, but I’m actually flummoxed by the popularity of Biden in the polls, and I can’t help thinking of how persuaded we were supposed to be that the “not Trump” candidate would win last time around.
cbackson
In polls of registered voters, Biden beats Trump.
The question is whether Biden can win a Democratic primary, and unfortunately, I don’t think he can.
Anon
In polls, Hillary beat Trump too – and she did beat him in the sense that she won the popular vote by roughly the margin predicted by the polls. National polling is pretty meaningless when it’s only the outcome in a handful of states that matters.
Daisy
I agree, he probably will. I’m somewhat fatalistic about it, though. I will do what I can to support the Democratic candidates at all levels, including phone banking, donating, and block-walking, but beyond that, why worry about what I can’t control?
AIMS
To add a bit of optimism, while it’s true that incumbents with good economies generally win, there has never been an incumbent like this who has never broken 50% approval even with all the positive economic news. And, yes, republicans overwhelmingly support him but the number of self identified republicans dwindles daily. Also, just logistically, he has to hold on to the three states that he won: OH, PA, and MI or pick up new states. He will not pick up new states unless some serious election fraud happens and he’ll really need to get lucky to hold on to PA and MI (OH is a lost cause for dems, I think).
I don’t feel optimistic. I’m very anxious. But I don’t think it’s time to get depressed yet. I think everyone discounted his chances in 2016 and no one wants to feel dumb again so we are all being really cynical about the whole thing. It may prove true, it may not, but all you can do is try really hard to turn people out to vote.
Anonymous
I have been saying this to my husband for months, who keeps saying”no, this is different from 2016. it’s more like 2018.” I think he’s wrong. BUT even if Trump gets re-elected, I think there still might be a trend toward Democrats in House and state races, and it’s a redistricting year, so I think it’s super important to work hard for the state legislatures. Presidents are for 4 or 8 years. Gerrymandered districts can change politics for decades. (I’m in NC. Republicans won just a smidge over 50% of the total votes for US reps in 2018 but ended up with 10 of 13 House seats (so roughly 77%), because our state is so badly gerrymandered)
Anonymous
My husband and I are trying to decide when to buy a house. We’re pretty much at capacity in our existing high-rise rental (2 young kids and 2 adults in 1000 square feet). If we wait 4.5 years, DH’s student loans will be paid off and we will have a lot of extra money a month to throw at a mortgage and will be able to move into a house we will really like. Or, we could buy in the spring, but with so much money going to loans every month, we’d be in a definite starter house (or need to move farther out from the city, which we really want to avoid) and would want to upgrade probably in 5-6 years when the loans are paid off anyway.
Logical side of my brain says to wait, but we’re really over apartment living.
Has anyone bought a place, while planning to upgrade 5-6 years later? Regrets? Relief?
Anonymous
Most people buy their first house intending to live there for about 5 years. That’s kind of the idea of a starter house. Alternatively, you could rent a house instead of an apartment.
Flats Only
If you buy the “starter” house now, not only will you have the student loan money to throw at the mortgage in 5 years, but you’ll also have whatever equity you’ve built up in the house. It may not be a huge amount, and there are costs associated with buying and selling, but it’s worth sitting with a good realtor in your area and playing with the numbers to see if it makes sense. Plus, who knows – you may find you love the starter house, or the neighborhood or schools are wonderful, and you stay there longer than your originally planned.
lsw
You may also learn more about what you’re looking for in your “forever” home.
Veronica Mars
You can also learn this from a rental, just saying.
Sarabeth
Over five years, it’s likely that they would come ahead by renting an equivalent “starter” house. It’s not certain – it depends on the specifics of OP’s local housing market, and also on what happens in the real estate market over the next five years. But typically, renting would be the better choice in this situation.
OP can play around with the NY Times rent v. buy calculator to get a sense of how this might apply to her particular market.
Anon
This really depends on market. In the past 4 years since I purchased my “starter” home, it has gone up in value by over $200k and I don’t see any signs that the market in my neighborhood is slowing down. This is significantly more than I have paid to live there for the past 4 years.
Abby
My husband and I bought a house 2 years ago when he started his residency, with the idea that we would live in it for at least 4 years. Depending on where he finds a job post residency, we might stay in it for a while to save money before buying our “forever home”, or we might have to move out of state and sell it. The first year was very expensive, because everything that could’ve gone wrong in a house went wrong for us, but that can happen with your perfect house as well. There’s a lot of debating what’s worth spending the money on upgrading or fixing if you’re only living in a house for 5 years. I don’t regret buying our house, even if we move in 2 years.
Anonymous
Can’t you just move into a larger rental apartment until the loans are paid off?
Diana Barry
Moving stinks, but OTOH 1000 sq ft is pretty small. How big would the “starter house” be?
Anonymous
We bought a starter and upgraded 7 years later. It was the right choice because it helped us learn what was important and not important to us in a house. For example, our new house isn’t that much larger, but the layout of our lot is totally different (even though slightly smaller total size) so we spend a lot more time in the garden.
Anonymous
Is finding a larger apartment or townhome to rent for the next few years a viable option? It would perhaps give you a bit more space (at a bit more cost) now, but would also allow you to stay on track to purchase your dream home later on.
nutella
This – stay put or find something bigger to rent. The housing market has been a bit proud for a while now and waiting even two years could be a big difference both in terms of how much you are able to save and how much more of a house you may be able to buy in a downturn. (Plus you won’t have to worry about selling your starter home in a down market.) This would be a good time to rent in a neighborhood you are interested in to get to know how you live and what works for your family.
anon a mouse
I’d buy now. Look for something that has room on the lot to expand if you end up loving your neighborhood later. And I’d buy slightly bigger than your current needs, in case you end up needing to stay there longer than you expect.
Anon
Before assuming you can expand on the lot check the city restrictions and any HOA restrictions. A lot of people in my popular neighborhood buy cute little overpriced bungalows then have a shocked pikachu face when it takes two years of rejections and resubmitting plans just to get approval on a second story or enclosed patio.
Recently Did This
Your situation is very common and we just did this.
As DINKs in 2015, we bought a “starter house” that was small – 1,600 SF and a raised ranch so all primary living was effectively in 1,000 SF of area. It was 3 BR and 2 BA (one very dated BR with borderline functionality). Plan A was to have one kid in it and upgrade a few years down the road. Plan B was to stay put it in as the BR/BA count allowed us grow our family to two kids as we desired. We made sure any house we bought could be occupied beyond just the “start years” in case of some kind of turn of events, like a job loss or something. This year, we sold House #1 and traded up to our new house which is much larger and more “forever home”-ish.
Zero regrets. I’m most satisfied with the purchase of home A and our planning for a downside – we were fully committed to hunkering down in there if we had to. So, if you do move forward with this plan make sure you could tolerate the “starter home” for longer than your initial plans in case some external factor impacts you 4-6 years down the road.
One struggle is we found the “starter home” price point was highly competitive and largely because it also overlapped with the Downsizing Boomer population – just a very crowded price point. It took 11 offers to get our House #1 and when we sold it a month ago, we had 8 offers, all above asking and three waived inspections. So, if you go down this road, just be prepared to be patient if your market is anything like mine (Boston ‘burbs).
anon
What about buying something with the necessary space that needs some work? Obviously something liveable, but maybe not as updated and/or upgraded as you want. Then when you have the cash, you can make it as nice as you want.
Anonymous
Thanks everyone. I was actually expecting more of “just hold out, it’s only a few years, you can do it!” so it was refreshing to have the other perspectives.
As for renting– not many 3BR rentals in our neighborhood. I’ve looked at renting townhouses and they’re about $700-800/month more than we are paying now to get an extra 300-600 square feet.
Anon
If you can live another 4.5 yrs at capacity, then why buy something larger at all? You’re either at capacity or you’re not. Consider these two alternatives:
– If you want to live another 5 yrs b*tching and moaning about space, but you actually can make that space work, then you need to take action and cut down your belongings and make your space more liveable (while being very aggressive to saving for home and/or student loan payment).
– If you actually are at capacity, buy a home now that you CAN live in long term, even if you don’t want to, and live in it until you feel you need to move. I don’t think it’s wise to put time lines on where you will live unless there is a good reason (ex. have another child, good elementary and middle but bad HS, commute drastically changes, etc.) but I’ll say you don’t know where you will be in five years. Buy a home in each phase that you can tolerate living in long term because sometimes life forces you to make due (ex. lose a job, economy tanks, sickness, etc)
Anonymous
Thanks. Part of it is space, part of it is our neighborhood has changed a lot in the past few years as it’s gotten much more built up, noisier, more traffic, the works. I’ve watched one or both of my two kids almost get mowed down by an aggressive driver half a dozen times in the past 6 months, and I’m just over it. So part of the motivation is to move to a quieter neighborhood.
Anon
What about renting a house?
Anon
Buy a starter house. This will help you save for the larger dream house. I don’t think your husband’s student loans should play a role in this really. I, and most people I know, bought houses before they had paid off their loans. In my city, especially at the time we bought our house, renting was much more expensive than a mortgage payment and most rental options were either run-down houses or apartments.
We bought our house as a DINK couple right after we got married, planning on staying in the house for 5-10 years. We have a 3BR/3BA 2000 sq ft house. We’ve been in the house for 3 years, still don’t have kids but planning on TTC in the next year. We figure we will move before our kids start school (bad school district), but we also feel like we will want to move by then any way. (The house is just not set up well for non-toddler age kids.) Absolutely no regrets. We live in a much nicer house than we would have if we’d kept renting, and the value of our house has gone up about 15%, so it turned out to be a good financial decision as well.
Anonymous
How many times do you poop a day? I do like 4 or 5. Is that weird?
anon
Once or twice. I take Metamucil, which helps keep things regular.
Anonymous
every second day. 4-5 seems like a lot
Anon
Once a day. My husband is more like you though.
Anonymous
I’m pretty sure my husband’s 4-5 visits to the bathroom are for social media time in our no-screens-around-the-kids house.
Anon
Sadly, I’m too aware of what my husband is doing in the bathroom and it’s not social media. I wish we had more mystery!
Gigi
You are me. Are we weird?
pugsnbourbon
Another data point in the 4-5 range. I drink a lot of coffee.
anon
Generally once a day. More than that if my stomach is upset or if I’ve gotten backed up and things are moving again.
I think 4-5 times a day seems high, but as long as you feel otherwise healthy, it’s probably fine. Do you feel bad when you’re going? Cramps, super bad smells, etc? If that’s the case maybe get a check up.
Anonymous
About 3 times a day. I eat a plant based diet though so lots of fibre. It’s a good thing to clean it all out regularly.
Anon
Like once every 36 hours, but I need to keep better track as I’m a little worried about what other poop factors are telling me.
Anon
Once is ideal, especially if I can get it done at home with my bidet (gamechanger), but sometimes 0 or 2. I’m a little worried I might have IBS or something.
Anonymous
Wow, so my 2-3 times per week seems really light.
Anon
Once a day. More if I have an upset stomach and less if I’m constipated. But generally I go after breakfast.
Anon
Every morning. Sometimes a smaller one in the afternoon. I’m curious if you would describe yourself as having a high metabolism. I have a couple friends who poop 4-5 times a day and they definitely have higher metabolisms than average.
anon for this
Every day after breakfast and most days also in the evening. I eat mostly vegan diet and do cardio or strength training every day.
Anon
Like every time or every other time I sit down. A lot. It’s just how I’ve always been.
All these people who are like “never do #2 at work”… I’m just like, how?
Anon
Literally once a week. It’s a problem.
ha
At least once (right after I drink morning tea) and sometimes in the evening. Almost never at work.
pugsnbourbon
Boss gets a dollar, I get a dime …
Anon
Minimum 2 (after morning coffee and after lunch/in the evening), sometimes more. If any less, I’m miserable. I feel terribly sorry for people with regular constipation or other difficulties.
Worry about yourself
I saw this article on Metro last night about people having gendered menus at their weddings. Like, steak and beer for the men and prosecco and chicken for the women. Has anyone here done that, or gone to a wedding where it happened?
As a female-shaped steak lover, I don’t need to eat it at every wedding and I know it’s expensive to make it an option for guests, but I’d be so mad if I went to a wedding where steak was served to the men and not even made an option for the women. Maybe less mad if women got lobster, but still a little cranky because I think gender roles are dumb, especially where food is concerned.
That said, I like the idea of a groom’s cocktail and bride’s cocktail, but only if everyone can order whichever cocktail appeals to them. Last time I saw it at a wedding, I preferred the groom’s whiskey & absinthe concoction.
Vicky Austin
That makes…zero sense? Is that not the point of having gendered bach parties, so you can get all that out of your system and have a normal adult party?
I get having “steak or chicken entree” and “beer or prosecco,” but I would definitely not want to be told which one of those to choose. I also love groom’s and bride’s cocktails and did something similar at my wedding, and if I were a guest I’d want to order both, because we’re celebrating both of you.
Anonymous
This is stupid and rude and also a fake trend.
Anonymous
I have never heard of it, but it’s horrifying and I’d be tempted to walk out if I happened to attend a wedding where that was the menu.
Anonymous
I’ve seen people do a groom’s cocktail, bride’s cocktail, and married cocktail in combination with wine and beer when they didn’t want to offer a full open bar but wanted a couple liquor options. But the different food/menus things is insane.
Anon
I think this was a “you need to have a human trends article in by 5 so just make something up”. I’ve never ever seen or heard of this. Most weddings I’ve been to have an open or (shudder) paid bar and a buffet, or you choose what your meal will be on the rsvp.
Anon
+1 this sounds like something that maybe happened once and someone needed a story so claimed it was a trend
Anon
This is insane and I’ve never heard of it.
anon
That’s ridiculous and sexist. You know, when I was a freshman in college, I went to a sandwich shop with some girls I had just met. One made a comment that my meatball sub was a man meal. Um, what? We did not become friends.
MagicUnicorn
I have been to a lot of receptions that featured something the bride likes and something the groom likes, but never one that served them in a gendered way.
Anonymous
I guarantee you this is made up clickbait.
rosie
This makes no sense, and I have never heard of it or seen it. It’s different from the signature c*cktail thing. That has the bride’s favorite/chosen drink and the groom’s, and you order what you want. That’s about personalizing the reception, not gender-stereotyping your guests.
Anon
All I can say is that it just to embarrass the crap out of me to order the Papa burger at A&W in the 1980s, but that was the one I liked.
Small Firm IP Litigator
I don’t like chicken. I love steak. My gender plays no role in that. I’d make my husband give me his steak.
Anonymous
Has anyone transitioned from partner track (or being a partner) to being a brief writer for their firm/office? I’m a senior associate in biglaw. I’m well regarded and told I’ll make partner next year (but of course who knows). I’m dissatisfied with my life though. I’m single and have no time to date or have hobbies. I’m also not crazy about where I live. OTOH, I enjoy my work and the prestige of being a biglaw litigator, I love research, analysis, and writing. But I don’t really like going to court, it’s just so stressful. I’d love to work remotely and travel for a few years. Does anyone have any experience with something like this?
Anonymous
I know in Canada there are a few smaller firms that specialize in ghost writing Supreme Court factums for litigators that don’t have a lot of Supreme Court experience. Maybe something like that in your area either for federal court or state appeal court?
Anon
I work for the leading boutique firm in my field in a non-practicing role handling legislative and regulatory issues. I love it (not the least because I don’t have billables), but there is a sense of Otherness – I’m the only one of me at the firm, I’m not part of a normal practice group, I don’t have those close working relationships that you often have, and not to mention that my pay is lower than a first year. If prestige is what motivates you, consider whether an Other job would check that box for you.
Anon
If prestige is what matters to you, there are a lot of appellate jobs in government that have prestige. Being a non-partner track attorney at a law firm, even one who is well liked, is the exact opposite of what you say you like about your current job. Also, no one cares about biglaw expect people in biglaw.
appellate fed
I have one of these appellate jobs in government and am really really happy and fulfilled. The work is prestigious, I am the primary drafter of all of my briefs, and I argue just a few times a year. I also work remotely, but that didn’t happen initially — only after working there a few years.
Anon
Your job sounds amazing. Would you be willing to talk offline about it? If so I can post a burner email address.
Anonymous
Has anyone taken out a 401k loan to buy a first house? I’m struggling with really wanting to make the move to a house but having several more years of savings to get together a decent down payment, but I have 200k in my 401k. I’m single, 35, making 155k per year if that makes a difference. Finally paid off my student loans last year but it’s taking a while to build savings back up, and I’d be looking in the 600-700k range.
Anon
Might be an unpopular opinion, but you can’t afford a house right now.
Anonymous
That’s def one thing I’m considering a lot! I’d be looking at a mortgage that’s a bit cheaper than my rent, but obviously that’s not the only cost associated with owning
Anon
It really surprises me that your mortgage on a 600-700k house (so, like a 500k mortgage) would be cheaper than your rent. Depending on insurance and property taxes, that would be an over $3000 payment. Unless you are in an extremely expensive rental market, could you move to a lower cost rental for a few years to build up the down payment fund?
Anonymous
My math certainly may be off! I’m paying $2,700 incl parking right now. It is a very expensive market.
Anon
For context, I’m going to be paying about $2500/month on my townhouse, including mortgage, insurance, taxes, and HOA (assuming it closes), and the loan amount was $425,000 (10 year adjusted with a no down payment physicians loan – which works because we’ll be moving in 7 years and if things change and we don’t, we can deal with the potential jump in payments). Yours would be higher than that because you’d probably have PMI since you’d have less than 20% down, plus the increased monthly payment. I don’t necessarily think that the monthly costs would be lower than your rent.
RR
My $400,000 mortgage has a monthly payment of just over $3000, all in.
Anonymous
Does the OP live in a place with high property prices, but low property tax rates? I just don’t understand–the mortgage and property taxes alone on a $600k property with 10% down would be over $4000k a month. Where are these $2500/month figures coming from? $155k in income is probably $75 take-home (after taxes, insurance, 401k contributions). That is $6250 in take home each month–it seems unlikely that it is a good idea to take on a $4k mortgage payment when you are only bringing home $6250/month. OP would have about $2k left over each month for all bills, fun spending and saving. Plus property taxes do go up year after year–those are definitely not fixed costs. Add to that the likelihood of needing to, say, replace the HVAC system, or any number of other things, but additional spending to keep the place up. You can not afford a $600k house on a $155k salary.
BabyAssociate
I would definitely not do that.
Anonymous
You can’t afford a $600-700k house. Even with a $200k down payment.
I know people who have raided their 401k to buy a house. I think it’s incredibly risky but you know how risk tolerant you are. I absolutely would not take all $200k out.
Anonymous
Well, I was thinking of taking out 60k and putting 10% down, not 30%.
Anonymous
Do you have no other downpayment savings? I thought you meant you were borrowing to move your downpayment from 10% to 20% or something, not that the 401K borrow would be your sole downpayment. This is a really risky idea. Don’t do it. You’ll have zero room to deal with any house related costs because you won’t have any equity if you suddenly need a new roof or have to remediate mold etc.
Anonymous
Thanks. I think you’re probably right. Sigh. Back to patience!
Anon
You cannot afford a 600-700k house comfortably on $155k/year. I’m at $240k/year, and just bought at $540k, and I would have rather spent less.
Anonymous
This is us. We got approved up to 700K on a combined HHI of 220K which was crazy. We have zero other debt, just our mortgage and we spent 530K. If we were a one income family, I would have been more comfortable around 400K because there’s always a risk of job loss and a subsequent job may not pay as much. That risk was mitigated because we are a dual income family so we could still swing the mortgage if we had one job loss or salary reduction.
600-700K on 155K is going to make you house poor.
Anonymous
Really? This just seems incorrect. I totally take everyone’s point that raiding my 401k is bad and won’t do it, but I think you are wrong about only being able to afford what a 350k house? Which btw would not be a house it would be like a derelict shed.
Anonymous
So then you rent. It’s a bad idea to buy a 700K with a 155 HHI even if you had a 30% downpayment without raiding your 401K.
anon
If you want to be house poor, go for it, but she’s not wrong.
Anon
You’re not just looking at the mortgage payment, though, you’re looking at mortgage, taxes, HOA fees (if relevant), PMI (if relevant) and insurance, so yeah, a $560k mortgage (assuming the 10% down you mentioned above) might be affordable on $155k/year, but with Taxes, Insurance, PMI (since <20%), and potentially HOA fees, or if not HOA fees, maintenance costs for the outside, I highly doubt it is. You'd be house poor.
Anonymous
It’s going to be tight at your salary if you go by the rule that you shouldn’t spend more than 30% of your monthly gross on housing. To be safe, I’d define the 30% housing to include all the costs (mortgage, taxes, insurance, some utilities, maintenance). Are you in a VHCOL area where the 30% ballpark doesn’t work?
Anonymous
Yes.
Anonymous
Your mortgage is not your only monthly cost. What are your taxes? Insurance? If you’re serious about buying a house, then sit down with your bank and figure out what the cost of ownership would really be.
DCR
What is your take home pay now? I make $153k, max out my 401k and have additional taken out for my fed pension (but not a ton more), and my mortgage (and all my associated payments) is basically half my take home pay. I’m fine with that at this point in my life, and have more than enough left over to cover my relatively modest wants and still save an additional amount. So, I don’t think a higher percentage of take-home pay mortgage is crazy. If I didn’t want kids, I would have absolutely no worries about my budget. But my mortgage also only started at $450k, and that was when I was in biglaw.
However, it sounds like you have greater wants then I do since it at least sounds like you are not currently saving much (anything?) and your housing costs are comparable to mine.
DCR
In many markets, there is no choice but to spend that much. Yes, I wish I had a cheaper mortgage. But unless I was willing to only buy a 1-bedroom condo or a studio, there is just not much in my market for less then 500.
Anonymous
Right. If there were 400k houses that I found minimally acceptable I’d def go for those!
Anonymous
But your comment demonstrates that there was choice. You didn’t want a one bedroom so you chose to spend more. That’s not ‘no choice’, you literally made a choice to take the risk of spending a lot on housing.
Daisy
Right, so you can’t afford a house in that market. The fact that all the acceptable housing is super expensive doesn’t mean it’s affordable to you.
Anon
This.
DCR
Except that I can clearly afford the house, as I’ve been paying the mortgage for the last four years with no problems and still saving a lot. Renting forever would mean that my costs would keep going up each year, when this way I have locked in a monthly payment.
Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I can’t have nice things, I just can’t have them all the same time. I picked a house I love, since I hate condo/apt living.
Anonymous
You bought a 600K house on a 155K salary and you are “still saving a lot”. Unless you have a huge downpayment, and no car, never travel I just don’t see how the numbers add up. What percentage of your salary are your housing costs?
DCR
I put 20% down, and my monthly payments are about 45% of my take-home pay. I max out my 401K, max out a back-door Roth IRA, and save another $1k a month in long-term investments. After all my housing and other fixed costs (internet, utilities, phone, etc.), I still have almost 2k in spending money a month – I generally save over half that for longer term things, like vacations.
Either I have less expensive tastes then most people here (which is highly likely) or it’s just because I don’t have kids. But really, I have no needs and few true wants that I can’t afford. I just don’t know what I would spend another $2k on a month.
Anon
You must not live in an expensive market. I’m in the Bay Area and most of my friends are around $250k-300k HHI and buying in the $1.0-1.3M range. People who make $150k definitely buy in the $700k+ range.
I completely agree OP can’t buy a house if she has to raid her 401k for a down payment, but that is an entirely separate issue than whether she could afford the monthly mortgage payment.
Anon
The Bay Area is a complete exception though – housing costs are just nuts there.
Anonymous
Thanks this is what I was thinking. Def get the message on the loan but I do think once I save up a down payment, buying a 600k house on a 155k salary is not a bananas plan.
Anonymous
sorry, i disagree. buying a $600k house on a $155k salary is a bad plan. if that is what the market dictates in your area, then most people should not be buying homes. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Anon
+1 in New York. Everyone moving to the suburbs must be making a horrible financial decision based on advice on this thread. I don’t think raiding your 401k is a good idea and definitely think OP needs to sit down and do the full math of homeownership but the income to house price ratios suggested here seem impossibly conservative and unrealistic in certain markets
Anonymous
Yes NYC burbs.
anon
You make it sound like when everyone is doing it (buying in the suburbs), it can’t be such a bad idea. Of course, a lot of people might be lucky and not loose their well paid jobs while shouldering a very high mortgage, but it’s certainly financially risky for a lot of people. The last real estate crash is not that long ago.
And we are certainly experts at collectively pushing standard of living increases from a nice-to-have perspective to a anything-else-is-u acceptable perspective (see poster above who couldn’t buy a studio but also couldn’t not buy a house).
Anon
I get your point but literally that is always true. Someone can always lose their job. Having lower monthly expenses makes that less painful if it happens but that’s always a risk at any price point. Separately as others have noted people have different spending priorities. I just find the comment that you should never ever spend more than 30% of your take home pay on housing to be silly and unrealistic for a lot of people. Also even if you’re only spending 10% of your take home pay on housing, losing your job would still have a major impact on your life. There is no magic ratio, the OP needs to sit down and budget (and should incorporate all the very helpful comments on here about unexpected expenses into that budget).
anon a mouse
Yep. In DC area and our first house was $600K when we were making $150K, and we put 10% down (at much higher interest rates than today’s). So much depends on the poster’s individual budget, plus how high property taxes are. We live very modestly and prioritized housing in our preferred neighborhood. You need to write up your own budget and figure out what will work for you while still saving for retirement and having a solid emergency fund.
Anon
Same in DC. I know very few people who only spends 30% of their take home pay on rent or mortgage, and the few I know are people married to other high earners. Unless you are willing to have a very, very long commute or you have a very high income, 30% of take home pay is not a reasonable estimate in HCOL cities for most people.
Anonymous
+ 1 to Anon at 11:05. I’m in an expensive CA market (not Bay Area) and bought a house between $650k and $700k on a HHI of $165-170. We are “house poor” because of renovations, but I know housing will only get more expensive in our area so it was the right choice for us for long term (with short term pain)
Anon
This seems very conservative to me. My husband and I make $150k and bought a $400k house (in a LCOL). We feel the opposite of house poor – we’re paying our mortgage very aggressively, while still saving tons for retirement and taking nice vacations. I feel like if we were content with a 30 year mortgage (which many people are) and cut back on our vacations a bit, we could afford a $600k house pretty easily.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Yeah, same but I am also in a HCOL? Our HHI is about 350k and we bought a 1M (1BR) condo. We put 20% down and took a 30 year mortgage, but make at least double payments every month and plan to pay it off in 10-15 years (took 30 year to limit risk and rates were not much different between that and a 15 year). We still max out our 401ks, and save several thousand a month outside of retirement accounts.
Anonymous
Yes agreed. For context, I make about $130k (some years it will be more due to bonuses and share payouts) and live in a one bedroom condo (purchased at $140k). Under no circumstances do i think i could afford a $600k house. Mortgage/taxes/insurance/HOA fees/property taxes and the yearly increases/regular maintenance costs add up. You are over estimating how far your $155k salary will take you.
Anonymous
We got a 401k loan to buy our second house, because we knew we had more than enough equity in our current home to pay off the 401k loan as soon as the old house sold. So the money was out of the account a few months, and we paid back the loan in full the day after we sold our old house. No ongoing payments.
For a first house – don’t do it. You’ll have mandatory payments on the 401k loan plus your PITI payment on your house. That can sink someone pretty fast.
I will say, you don’t need 20% down on a house and according to our mortgage broker very few people do that anymore. Mortgage insurance is not that big of a deal, depending on how much it is relative to the payment (ours is $65 of our $2500 payment). We put down what we felt was reasonable for our house given our finances and the market; it ended up being about 12%. We’ll refinance in a few years and get the PMI dropped. Not having 20% down may hurt you in some markets that are really hot, where every house gets multiple offers, but long-term it won’t hurt your finances. (There are lots of finance blog posts out there about this topic if you search.) If you don’t even have 10% down, though, I would wait to buy a house until you do.
Anonymous
Thank you! So helpful
Anonymous
Also, if you are taking a 401k loan, you can only take up to 50% of your account, not the whole thing.
anon
You may want to talk to a mortgage broker about rates. When we purchased a house earlier this year, there was a negligible difference between a 5% and 20% down payment. You can also look at areas that are economic opportunity zones that have different financing options. I know some friends have received really favorable rates with a 3% down payment in those areas. So, there are lot of options. We waited a long time to buy a house to save up for the 20% down payment, only to realize that it was entirely unnecessary given the professional loan programs we had available to us.
Anon
Opportunity Zones are for capital gains taxes and you have to be investing in a business.
Poppies
QOZ is one thing, although you can roll your capital gain into real estate, just not personal use. But I think the above commentator was talking about some of the other programs available, particularly in rural areas to help low income home buyers. Which probably won’t apply to to OP if she’s outside NY, but is definitely a thing in other parts of the country.
Anon
How long will it take you to save a 5% down payment? No matter what the contributors here say, the vast majority of people can’t and don’t put down 20%. And have you spoken with a mortgage broker about how much the monthly outlay and expected yearly maintenance will be?
Oh and obviously, no don’t raid your 401k to buy a house that’s a ridiculous idea. That amount of money you take out will in the long run give you far more in terms of investment.
Anon
Just because people can’t and don’t doesn’t mean more probably should. OP, do you have a plan for if you’re out of work? Can you pay that mortgage? I’m in a similar position as you, but make about $45k/year and did put together 20% down. I don’t have family to fall back on if life goes sideways, so I’m pretty financially risk averse. It’s tough but do-able if buying a house is a priority for you. If you take a loan from your 401(k) and leave your job, it’s immediately due or taxed as income + penalty. Pay off your loans, get your emergency fund in shape, then save for that down payment. The economy is good right now, but it certainly won’t be forever – or for the entire time you have a mortgage.
Anonymous
You know what you can’t pay bills with when the economy tanks? Illiquid or non-existent equity in a home. I believe in having skin in the game on a mortgage but I also like to have liquid cash in the bank,right where I can see it or access it if I need to. The monthly payment difference between 12% down and 20% down was, for us, a couple hundred dollars a month. Not enough to make the difference between affording thehouse and not affording it if we both lose our jobs. And if we had sunk all our liquid savings into a down payment, as some recommend – what then, if the economy crashes and we both get laid off?
Insisting that people “should” put 20 percent down is ludicrous. That number was popularized in the 1930s when mortgages first became popular. There’s no basis in fact for “needing” 30 percent down. Especially if that means someone will liquidate their savings to put the extra down. I read here once that “your kids can’t eat paid-off loans,” meaning don’t prioritize paying off debt at the complete expense of your cash savings. The same goes for down payments.
anon a mouse
Instead of a 401K loan, you should talk to a broker about low down payment loans. You probably can get into a house with 5% down and that should be easy, at your income with no loans, to get within a year. I’d caution you to stay closer to $600K though. House things break and you need much more liquid savings (or credit) to be able to keep up with the maintenance. A good rule of thumb is to budget 1% of the house purchase price annually for maintenance. Some years will be lower but some years will be a lot higher (new HVAC, ugh!).
401k loans should be for absolute last-resort emergencies, not for wants like a new house.
Anonymous
“A good rule of thumb is to budget 1% of the house purchase price annually for maintenance.”
This has been roughly true in my experience.
BB
This isn’t exactly like your question, but we took money out of our IRA to pay for our first condo (the account that was a 401K until we left the company and rolled it over to an IRA). It wasn’t a loan. It was a straight up withdrawal where you pay some taxes on it.
It’s 3 years later and I still think it was a great idea, but it worked for our finances. We are in a HCOL place – rents are high, buying has been going steadily up. We bought in a central area that isn’t likely to experience an suburban type crash. We were also in a position where we did not have a ton of savings due to years of school and entry level jobs, but have very good salaries going forward. We “paid back” the amount in after-tax retirement savings after about a year. The alternative would have been to drop $40K+ into rent for another year while we saved up. Instead, we have equity now. I should also add that the mortgage payments were also totally fine with our incomes.
RR
I did when buying my second house, but just as a bridge until I sold my first house. FWIW, the longest payment term you can get with a 401k loan is 5 years, which makes for much bigger payments than the same amount of house debt in a 30 year mortgage. So, a longer term 401k loan is not likely to help you. We had ours for like 3 months and knew that the math worked out very clearly for us. You’d be better off with an 80/20 or a smaller house with 100% financing and paying PMI.
The only other option is to withdraw from your retirement account. Absolutely don’t withdraw from your retirement account to buy a house.
anon
I did, but only for about 25% of the down payment (rest was gift from my parents and my own savings – total down payment was $100K for a 500K home in LA, so a HCOL area). As others have said, it’s not realistic in some markets to have the kind of income-to-mortgage ratio that is ideal. I was about your age when I bought, and making about what you make at the time. I have since gotten married and moved cities, so I had to repay my 401(k) loan after leaving my job. Thankfully, we have enough in savings that that wasn’t an issue (we decided to hold on to the property and rent it out since prices in my old neighborhood are rapidly increasing – based on comps, I’ve easily built up $100-200K in equity since buying 3.5 years ago). I’m super glad I did despite it being a risky move – there’s no way I could have afforded a home otherwise in my city.
Anon
Buy a cheaper house.
Anon
Unpopular opinion but I did this to buy my first house in the Bay Area and it has been the best investment of my life. I didn’t have any other way to come up with the down.
Anon
There is no reason to put down 10% instead of 5%, especially if it means raiding your 401k. Just try to pay the loan off aggressively to get rid of PMI. No one in my market puts more than 5% down.
Also— do you have enough money saved up for closing costs? For us, they were about $10k, so we ended up using the money we were going to use to get the down payment from 5% to 10% on closing costs (and also blinds).
Houston recs?
Formerly Lilly here. I’ll be in Houston the weekend after next for The Rolling Stones concert. It’s also DH’s birthday. Between travel and the concert, Saturday is pretty well shot for a nice meal. Anyone have any recommendations for brunch/supper Sunday? We are staying downtown but willing to Uber up to maybe 15-20 minutes, although a downtown restaurant would be great. I’ve done my due diligence with Google etc, but haven’t come up with any clear idea about where to go. This community always seems to have great ideas!
IHHtown
Backstreet Cafe is always a solid choice.
anononon
Yes, solid. I would also recommend UB Preserv. Or Xochi is a great option for downtown.
TX-IHC
+1 Xochi
anononon
I would go to Hugo’s brunch on Sunday! James Beard winner.
Anonymous
Xochi is downtown (on the ground floor of the Mariott Marquis), owned by the same chef who owns Hugo’s, and the food and service are consistently excellent.
Anon
i echo Backstreet Cafe, UB Preserv and Hugos or Xochi if you want to stay downtown. The Heights is also a fun area, but a lot of restaurants there don’t take reservations for brunch.
Formerly Lilly
Thank you all for the suggestions!
Htown
Brunch: Emmaline, Dolce Vita, Indianola (east downtown), Common Bond
Dinner: La Lucha, Nancy’s Hustle, Squable, 1751 Sea and Bar, BCN Taste & Tradition
Anon
This might be a long shot but does anyone have recs for a good two-night backpacking trip in the Sierra Nevada in an area that won’t be super crowded (or require an impossible to get permit)? We had a good experience doing this in Sequoia National Park last year, but it was quite a drive and I’m hoping for other ideas that might be a little closer to the Bay Area.
Pink
I guess Mammoth is probably too far?
Anon
Try going out highway 4 to the Big Bear/Big Trees Area. My son’s Boy Scout Troop backpacks in that area. It’s relatively uncrowded and breathtaking scenery-wise.
MM Foster Pant?
Does anyone have experience with the MM LaFleur Foster pants, on a curvier frame? A friend has recommended them highly but she’s more straight/athletic build. I am a curvy 6 on the bottom, and was thinking of trying 8 (they recommend sizing up), and generally wearing with a longer top. Anyone in a similar boat have success with them? Would love the comfort for long travel days. Thanks!
Anon
I’m curvy with a similar build and love mine. I sized up one size. I’m usually an 8 in their pants/dresses but a 10 in the foster pants.
Legal Curves
I generally need curvy pants. The Foster pants did not fit at all. They fit my thighs, but had several inches of gap at the waist.
Anon
They looked more like leggings than pants on me. I’m size 8 with a curvy butt and thighs. Sizing up didn’t help because then the fit was out of whack.
Anon
I’m a solid 8 in my Fosters (three pairs), I usually wear an 8 in pants and dresses (Elie Tahari, some Theory, Ann Taylor ankle pants). My thighs are muscular for my size and I have a slight bubble butt; I usually have a waist gap in “modern” or up and down pants cuts, and the Fosters are fine on me.
Anonymous
I’m a short pear and prefer Oshimas, but have 2 pairs of fosters. I don’t think I can go back to wearing non-MM pants.
Two Cents
I am pretty curvy and have the Fosters in a size 6, which is my normal pant size. I like them but not sure they are worth the price. I have heard that Nic and Zoe has a dupe which is a lot cheaper and more flattering.
lawsuited
I’m looking for a clean BB cream with SPF. Any recommendations?
BabyAssociate
Not sure what “clean” means, but I like the Dr. Jart “Premium Beauty Balm” it is SPF 45.
Anon
+1 this stuff is my favorite ever
Anon
The best BB creams I’ve seen are make your own – mineral sunscreen + a couple drops of SPF liquid foundation, rub in.
Ribena
Also not sure what ‘clean’ means but I like the Body Shop one.
NOLA
I have been using the MAC Prep+Prime BB for a while and I really like it. It has fairly high SPF and I like how it hydrates. Unfortunately, they just discontinued the lightest tones, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to continue using it. It’s possible that the lightest color will blend well enough for me, but I’m pretty pale. If I have to switch, I’m looking at Tarte as a possibility.
Anon
Not sure what clean means but I like Clinique for my sensitive skin
AIMS
I have been using Marcelle City Tinted Cream and like it. I’ve always liked Dr Jart and Bobby Brown in the past but this is cheaper and my skin likes it as much if not more.
Digby
I think Maidenform makes all-cotton hipsters.
Digby
Sorry – that was meant for another question, obviously. I like the Coola tinted face BB cream with SPF 30.
Digby
I like the Coola tinted face BB cream with SPF 30.
blueberries
I love the Coola tint SPF 30! I wish I could find something without tint and more reasonably priced for the rest of my body.
S in Chicago
Not sure what you mean by clean, but I’ve tried a bunch from Sephora. Was traveling and forgot so bought some garnier at the local drugstore. By far the best. So using it ever since. (Combo skin one not the anti-aging. The combo one goes on a lot smoother and doesn’t have an odor–the other one does.)
Worry about yourself
I’ve been using the Maybelline Dream Fresh BB cream for years, and I love it! I’ve tried samples from Sephora and none of them have been good enough to make me wanna switch.
Paint colors help
Question for the decorators here! I am buying a condo with an open kitchen (but which is differentiated enough to have a different floor and paint color from the living area). The living area is painted BM Linen White and I’d like to repaint the kitchen (currently reddish orange). I’m thinking a blue/aqua would be fun as it’s a small space with limited walls. Cabinets are white, counters are black. Any specific paint color suggestions would be appreciated!
nutella
With black and white in the kitchen you can do almost anything. One caveat is that if it’s an open floor plan, even though the kitchen is separated maybe consider if you want that color to be repeated in (or at least intentionally relate to) other colors visible from the kitchen. How do you plan to decorate the living room? That will get you started. Also consider other ways to add color — in other words, you could paint the kitchen walls the same color as the living room walls but add emerald green counter stools or put in new lighting or a colorful runner in front of the sink.
Anon
What Nutella said — I have the same floor plan with white walls throughout, white cabinets, and black cabinets on the island. I use garnet as a color accent throughout the space because it’s in my granite and my living room rug — so super nice kitchen towels (garnier thibeaut), pillows, canisters, candlestick holders. What sort of feel do you want? Super contemporary or more traditional? I have a fondness for Ben Moore’s Covington Blue, which is Robin’s egg and changeable depending on the light, but I used it in a more traditional interior. In my modern townhouse, I have seriously considered trying to match this color from an Adolf Loos interior: https://www.1stdibs.com/blogs/the-study/wp-content/uploads/JPG-039_LR.jpg.
You might try looking at paint companies instagram accounts for specific colors and how they look in a space: Farrow and Ball, Fine Paints of Europe, Pratt and Lambert or hashtags #benjaminmoore, #farrowball, etc for ideas.
emeralds
This is the most random question imaginable, but I haven’t been able to track down an answer anywhere and I want to exhaust my options before I sign over five hours of my life trying to get an answer out of the DMV.
My car is approaching the end of its lifespan, and I need to figure out what to do given that the title lists both me and my dad as joint owners. We’re estranged; please respect that any response including “talk to your dad” is a non-starter. The only resources I can find on the DMV website address what to do if the other joint owner is deceased–I do have right of survivorship, but even if I waited until he died to try to dispose of the car I wouldn’t be able to provide a death certificate. If it matters, this is a hand-me-down car that I’ve been paying registration, maintenance, insurance, etc. on since 2010. Its value is nominal at this point, definitely under $2,500. So it would be nice to be able to trade it in or sell it, but it’s not critical. Ideas?
Anonymous
If he died you would be able to get a death cert from public records. Unfortunately you won’t be able to sell the car without you, or someone acting on your behalf, interacting with him. You can probably cancel the insurance and leave it to rot in a garage and change the registration to a non-functional car though.
Anon
This. You don’t have to interact with him, but someone does.
anon
I feel like if you trade it in at the dealership they will take care of the title part. Maybe contact the dealership to see what they say about that.
Anonymous
They will need both owners to sign it over.
Anonymous
but the dealership might be willing to contact the Dad. If OP isn’t concerned about money, having the dealership pay out to him more than 50% of the car if he signs it over immediately might be an option.
Anonymous
No they won’t. No dealer is going to take on dealing with an estranged co-owner over a car that’s basically worthless to them. She could hire a lawyer to do this though.
Anonymous
No a dealership can’t magically circumvent laws. They still need the appropriate signatures to file the paperwork on behalf of clients.
RR
They need both of you to sign. I just bought a car and traded in a car that had my husband and I on the title. They very, very clearly needed both of us to sign. If she wants to trade in/sell/donate, someone will have to interact with him on her behalf. Maybe call a lawyer to handle that negotiation?
anon a mouse
If it’s important to you, you probably could hire an attorney (like an estate attorney) to contact him to get him to relinquish his claim on title. But that probably comes too close to contact with him that you want to avoid.
Otherwise I think you are probably looking at selling it for scrap/parts, which you can do without a title.
BabyAssociate
I told a car for scrap a few years ago and they still asked for the title and refused to take the car without it.
Anon
This is correct. You need the title to scrap it.
I would just not renew registration, insurance, etc., and sign the title over to the father. Put the damn title in the mail and a note as to where the car is.
Anonymous
No no you can’t sell a car for scrap without title. Unless you want to be in the black market of stealing.
anon
This is not true – you will need to provide a title and the dealership or scrapyard will then convert it to and record it as a ‘scrap title’ with the DMV. Unfortunately, your option is to weigh the cost of hiring an attorney/agent to act on your behalf with the amount that you could get for the car (and would you have to split it with your dad?). Depending on how much of a pain your dad is in, thus incurring costs, and if you think he would only agree if the money is then split, it likely comes to a wash or you spending more to take care of it. (Although that price may be worth it to you!)
Anonymous
I’d sign it over to him, have someone deliver it to him with the title, and forego receiving any value for the car. Figuring out how to get him to sign the title doesn’t sound worth the amount of money for the headache of dealing with it. Get rid of it and move on.
Anonymous
This is the best idea. Think of it as buying freedom.
Irish Midori
If you know his address, you can sign the car over to HIM and just mail him the title. Then it’s his problem.
Flats Only
Send him one registered letter asking him to sign the title so you can get rid of the car. Offer to split any proceeds. If he refuses or does not respond, sign the title over to your dad in the space on the back of it, drive the car over to his house and leave it in the driveway with the title and the keys. Cancel the insurance. If he’s such a pain that he won’t sign the title to help you dispose of the car, you can make it his problem instead.
NOLA
For what it’s worth, when my Dad sold my mother’s car to her sister after my mom died, I signed my mother’s signature. Her handwriting and mine were very similar. I can’t really remember how that all happened. Completely illegal, though, right?
Anonymous
This is completely, totally illegal.
RR
Yes, 100% illegal.
NOLA
Oh well, the car is long gone and it was more than 30 years ago.
RR
You are probably in the clear now.
ElisaR
WHAT? Horrible advice.
Anon
What part of that comment made you think it was advice, rather than just sharing a personal story? Was it the “Completely illegal, though, right?”
emeralds
Thanks all! This was very helpful. I’m going to keep driving it until it falls apart anyway–whenever that happens I’ll plan to cancel the insurance, sign the title, and leave it at another relative’s place for him to pick up.
It’s worth more than the car to not have to interact with him, whether through lawyers or otherwise.
Irish Midori
Good plan. Sorry about the bad relationship with your father, though. That sounds rough.
Anon
Is the registration and “or” or an “and” registration? This makes all the difference. If or, you can act unilaterally. If and, I’m afraid the others are correct. Someone has to get your dad to sign.
NDdoc
I donated my 2004 chevy to Cars for Kids this fall. The title was in a box at my parents house (and I think my fathers name was on the title too?). My parents moved 3 times since then and the title had gone missing. Cars for Kids was happy to take the car without the title which shocked me. I filled out a form online and got a call from the organization confirming when they could pick it up. I was instructed to leave the car on the street with the keys inside it and they wold come pick it up, title or no title. I left it in the confirmed location and they picked it up later that day and then sent me a letter of confirmation for tax purposes. It was super easy! I have since learned that the organization has had some scandals, I haven’t looked into it in great detail but honestly I just needed the car gone, and they helped me achieve that goal. Maybe this would work for you when you are ready to say goodbye to your vehicle.
OMG Hamilton
LADIES. A friend of mine just called me and offered me a free trip to NYC to see Hamilton and we have orchestra seats!!! ALL CAPS EXCITED
What do I wear???
Anonymous
This week? I’d be in a casual dress and sandals with a cardigan.
Ribena
No idea how people dress for Hamilton in NYC but I’m so excited for you!!!!! I saw it in London where most of the crowd were solidly into the nice-jeans-and-a-nice-blouse dress code, plus lots of merchandise being worn (I have a Hamilton hat I knitted so I wore that)
Anon
Uhh who is this friend and does she want more friends?? I haven’t seen Hamilton, but people don’t dress up that much for Broadway in general. Smart casual (nice jeans/blouse) or business casual are the norm. You will stand out in formal wear or athleisure, but anything in between that should be fine.
NOLA
When we went to see Hamilton here, I wore a pewter lame (where’s the accent?) dress (surplice v-neck) that I bought on clearance at Macy’s the day before. It was a fabulously fun dress.
Delta Dawn
Oh I’m so excited for you!! I would wear a fun casual summer dress… like maybe a floral wrap dress if you have one? Or maybe a jumpsuit if you’re into those. I’d bring a light wrap or cardigan in case the theater is chilly. And a low block heel sandal if you have some! Have a great time!
OP
Oops, sorry for lack of information! It’s next Saturday night. It’s actually a guy friend of mine who I know through running. I asked him how I got so lucky as to get the invite and his answer was, “Oh, I just thought you would enjoy it and it would be fun!” He also is in the craft beer industry, so we will be doing Brooklyn brewery tours outside of Hamilton.
And thanks for the tips so far!
Anon
Is he single? Are you?? ;)
Anon
Yeah this definitely sounds like he wants to be more than friends.
Anon
+1 !!!
ElisaR
+1 for sure
Delta Dawn
He loves you :)
Anonymous
This is a date, have a great time!
OP
HAHA I am not opposed to this being a “date” of sorts. He and I do not live close to each other, so nothing will come of it other than a (potentially) very fun weekend ;)
JM
Bring a cardigan! It can be cold in the theater!
Anon
OK, I’m all over this thread with questions today, but one final one: is there a way to watch a Bravo show offline? I have a flight coming up and would love to download some trashy shows, but it doesn’t look like the Bravo app lets you do it. I have an iPad so are there any apps that would offer a workaround?
BabyAssociate
Anyone here own a Peloton who can speak to how difficult it is to move? I really want one, but don’t have a permanent space to keep it, so I’d have to keep it in the closet and roll it out when I want to use it, trying to figure out how feasible that is.
Anonymous
It’s super heavy. I have not tried to move it but don’t think it would be feasible on a daily basis unless you’re super strong and tall.
BeenThatGuy
It’s not easy to move. Yes, there are wheels, but it’s heavy and clunky. Plus it will get tripped up on the mat or any rug/carpet you have.
pugsnbourbon
Carpet sliders. Lately that has been my answer for everything, both work and home related. Carpet sliders.
RGH
You could do it, but it would be a really big annoyance. Try the Peloton subreddit as well – I feel like I’ve seen this question there. It can fit into some small spaces. I’d try to figure out a way to put it somewhere it does not need to be moved.
Anon
It has wheels but is super heavy. We have moved ours a few times but it’s not something I’d be able to do regularly
BabyAssociate
Gahhhh, that’s what I was afraid of! Thank you all for the responses, much appreciated. I’m in an extremely small apartment, so there’s really nowhere to keep it unless I got rid of my bed!
brief me!
Random question but what shops sell 100% cotton 4nder wear briefs these days? No modal, no stretch (other than the waistband). Gap Body used to be my go-to but it’s all “stretch cotton” now. These are for sleeping and wearing around the house so I like breathable and don’t want any vanishing edge business, just 100% cotton.
FormerlyPhilly
Jockey is my go-to but there are only a few 100% cotton options.
Anon
These aren’t 100% cotton, but they aren’t stretchy or clingy or “high tech.” They feel like regular cotton panties. And it’s kinda crazy to love panties, but I wear vanishing edge at work during the day and I get SO excited to come home in the evenings and put these on. They’re so comfortable. My favorite panties by far. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01JM77URW
Anonymous
Thanks for the rec! Just ordered these!
Ribena
Marks & Spencers – I think it’s available online in the US?
trefoil
+1,000,000 I live in Canada and buy all my knickers from M&S either in the UK or online.
Ribena
The new Flexifit line maybe isn’t 100% cotton but it’s my absolute favourite.
Digby
I think Maidenform makes all-cotton hipsters.
Anon
Yes, I really like these. Touch of stretch but none of that annoying clinginess and it’s thick cotton.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01FXHU1B2/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I love these too but they seem to be discontinuing them (boo) but maybe Walmart or Target still have them:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07587FSTJ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
MagicUnicorn
Aerie! Their cotton ones have 5% spandex so they don’t sag out of shape but they are gloriously soft and breathable.
Anon
Aerie?
Lana Del Raygun
Hanes, Fruit of the Loom
Anon
Jockey is the answer. I buy through amazon and look for 100% cotton, I’ve been using these for years but they are getting harder to find.
Anonia
Duluth Trading Co makes nice ones. Kinda pricey, but very soft!
ER
Everlane are my new favorites. Very thin and no panty line.
The Good Wife
Bonds! Aussie brand. I think they ship to the US.
anon
Our wedding anniversary is Friday. Any ideas for low-key ways to celebrate? The weather is going to be brutally hot, which nixes most of the ideas on my list. I would like to do something slightly more exciting than going out to eat.
Anon
Do you live near the water? If so, I’d plan a fun active date, like surfing, bodysurfing, paddleboarding, or something like that followed by outdoor dining (either a picnic or a fun beachside spot). If you don’t, why not try a different fun date idea like a wine and painting class or a dance lesson? Mix it up and have fun!
Anon
Do you live near one of those movie theaters that serve actual food/wine? When I was a kid our go to on super hot days was a movie in great AC. Plus it has a bit of a throw back to high school dates vibe which could be fun
AudioBooks
When you listen to an audiobook, and then tell someone about it, do you say “I read in xyz book”? Caught myself stumbling over this yesterday: “I’m reading Crazy Rich Asians on my commute… well, listening to it… it’s an audiobook… I’m not reading while I’m driving… I’m listening to it?… [why am I so awkward…]” What do you say? Do you claim to read a book that was actually read to you??
Daisy
Most straightforward is probably just to use “listen” in place of “read,” e.g. “I’m listening to this great book on my commute…” “I listened to Crazy Rich Asians a few weeks ago, I loved it.” “Oh yeah, I thought about that while I was listening to Crazy Rich Asians…”
I don’t think it’s a big deal to say you “read” an audiobook, either, esp. when that’s not the point of the conversation, but when the context makes clear you aren’t physically reading (like the example in your post) it’s probably easier to say “listening.”
Anon
Listen can be confusing though, especially with books like CRA that were made into movies. If you said you’d “listened” to it my first thought would be that you watched the movie but were only half-watching so you were listening more than watching. I don’t know. I feel like it’s fine to say you read a book when you listened to the audiobook.
Anonymous
Does anyone say they were ‘listening’ to a movie when they were like half-watching it but not giving it their full attention? That seems like a strange way to refer to it. When people watch movies, they say they saw the movie and might reference that they only watched part of it or something. No one says ‘listening’ for movies and someone didn’t ‘read’ a book if they listened to it.
Anon
Nobody would think that means you watched the movie.
Anonymous
People know audio books are a thing. You say “I’m listening to xyz book on my commute”
anon
No, because IMHO, listening isn’t the same as reading! (I will spare you my pedantic explanation of why I think they’re two different things, even if the content is the same.) Just say “I’m listening to the audiobook of Crazy Rich Asians,” or whatever.
BB
I am a total audiobook addict. I go through one every 2 weeks or so. I usually say “I’m listening to X on audiobook” if I’m talking about something current. But I have no problem saying “Oh yeah, I know X, I read it a while ago” if we’re just talking about whether I know the book or not. Agree with the poster that says it’s different than reading cognitively, but it still counts as knowing the book!
Anon
Yup. I’ll often say that I’m “reading” an audiobook
Triangle Pose
Any recs for a facial epilator? I usually get threaded (upper lip, side burns, forehead and eyebrows) and I’d like to cut down and only get my eyebrows threaded and do everything else myself with an epilator. I don’t have a lot of coarse hair of anything but my makeup sits better on my skin when I remove extraneous hair. I cannot tolerate shaving of any kind so not looking for Tinkle razor or flawless beauty rotating razor, I’m looking for a true epilator, rotating tweezers that pull out the hair at the root. Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
Super anon dumb question. My husband and I are in the TTC phase. I went off the pill in early December, thinking “if it happens, it happens.” We’ve only been tracking/paying attention for 3-4 months, but my periods have come back super irregular/long cycles. I haven’t had a GYN, I’ve just been getting paps with my PCP and they’ve all come back normal.
The question is — I’d like to get checked out to see if there’s anything going on. Do I make an appointment with my PCP? I don’t have a relationship with a GYN. Should I find a regular GYN at a practice where I might eventually want to go if I’m pregnant? Do I go straight to a fertility testing-focused practice? I’m not sure what the right move here is, and I can’t ask my friends/mom/sister because we don’t want people to know we’re trying.
Relatedly, I’d love any Boston recommendations for specific practices.
Anon
Yes, I would make an appointment with a gynecologist. You can’t normally go straight to a fertility doctor, you need a referral from a gyn. I’m not sure how old you are, but typically they want you to actively try for a year (if you’re under 35) or 6 months (if you’re 35+) before they refer you to a fertility doctor, so don’t be surprised if the gyn just does a basic exam and tells you to keep trying.
RR
I’d start with a gyn unless you have another reason to be concerned (age, history of infertility-related issues for you or your family members, etc.), in which case you could go to a reproductive endochronologist. But, you’ll need an OB/GYN anyway, so that’s a good place to start, although you could certainly talk to your PCP if you were more comfortable starting there.
Anon
Yes, go to a GYN. Check with your insurance re: whether you’d need a referral from your PCP.
Anon
I liked the Mt. Auburn Center for Women, although I just went for routine gynecological services. I did have a coworker who went there for OB services and I believe she liked it as well.
Anon For This
I go to Vincent OB/GYN at MGH. Dr. Holly Khachadoorian was my GYN and caught my early signs of fertility issues – legit saved me 12+ months of waiting and diagnostic work. She is now (sadly) only OB so you can’t see her now but that practice has been outstanding for me and truly life altering. Khachadoorian referred me upstairs to “The Fertility Clinic” on the 10th floor of the Yawkey Building, which was helpful because the Vincent practice is on the 4th floor. It was one-stop shopping both during “trying”, fertility stuff and then the actual OB appointments when I got pregnant. Since comparing notes with other fertility-challenged women, I have learned that Khachadoorian’s dotted line connection to The Fertility Clinic probably (and appropriately) framed her mind – she didn’t skip a beat or waste a minute because that resource was in house and was a sister practice. No ego or attempt to try to be a hero and “fix it” herself. I can’t say a “non-connected” GYN wouldn’t behave similarly, but I am of the belief the connection dramatically helped to expedite my diagnosis.
Big, giant caveat: The Fertility Clinic was incredibly challenging for me at times. I felt so in the dark, with few other than my specific RE having any kid of bedside manner. They are a machine and are evidently very good at getting women pregnant but bad at the bedside manner – and a lot of the fertility stuff for me was emotional and mental and not just the medicine. My RE was Dr. Irene Souter and she was outstanding. It was all the in between appointments, nurse follow ups (lack of follow ups) that drove me to the point of compete distress. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant on my last attempt with them I was planning to go to Boston Fertility, which has rave reviews. Turns out the last one worked. I will probably go back to The Fertility Clinic for kiddo #2 because the diagnostic work is all done now and we can cut right to the chase, so to speak, but just something I wanted to point out should you ever have to become a patient of TFC.
Anonymous
Thank you so, so much. I’m right at the beginning of this and weirdly terrified and sad and I don’t even know what the situation is yet.
Anon For This
I was you precisely three years ago. You will get through it, one way or the other. I wish you lots of luck and please continue to check back in. We have the very good fortune of living in close proximity to excellent medicine. At MGH or otherwise you’ll be in great hands.
And, an unsolicited piece of advice: start tracking. How long are your cycles? How long did your period last? Was it 5 FULL days or more like one big day and four light days? Clotting? Bloating? Spotting? I never did temp tracking but I did the at-home ovulation test kits and was able to tell my doctor that in six months I never had a positive ovulation test (guess what? one of my multiple issues was that I didn’t ovulate naturally). Dr Khachadoorian said that was the big red flag for her but all of the info I had stored was able to jump start her diagnostic process and she knew then it was time to give me the boot upstairs to TFC. I used the Glow app to track. 95% of the app’s features were super annoying “baby dust” wishing type BS, but I liked the calendar tracker for logging periods and cycles and whatnot. I might recommend using that or some other form of collecting daily information on what’s going on. No detail is too small at first, I promise!
Diana Barry
+100. I feel like I saw Dr. Khachadoorian for one of my OB checkups when my regular doc wasn’t available? Or maybe she delivered one of my kids? Anyway, everyone who I saw in the Vincent was great.
I also saw Dr Souter upstairs and she was very warm and understanding. We didn’t end up needing much intervention (just clomid) so I didn’t interact with any of the other docs in the fertility clinic and only a little bit with the staff.
Def start by tracking your cycles and temping. With my temp charts she could clearly see that I wasn’t ovulating and I didn’t need much in the way of testing, other than the dye-in-the-tube one to make sure your tubes aren’t blocked. They will also do the regular tests on you and your DH (CF, etc.) right up front.
Anon
For my GYN, I have liked Dr. Alison Packard in this same practice at MGH. It looks like she does OB too. Good luck!
Legally Brunette
Another huge shout out to Dr. Khachadoorian. She was incredibly kind and warm when I suffered a miscarriage, then I went on to see her for both of my pregnancies. Wonderful bedside manner, very competent.
Anon For This
Gah. I’m seriously this woman’s biggest champion. So glad to hear others love her, too! This will out me, but oh well. FIL passed away very unexpectedly when I was ~36 weeks. We were (still are, to be honest) broken over it. She called me like three times after hours in the immediate days following just to check on me. She’s the very best.
Anon
If you don’t do it already, start tracking your cycles, maybe even with the symptothermal method. The more data you have before starting on a fertility journey, the better. Also, you may want to get a full blood panel done with your PCP (incl. fasting glucose and TSH) – this can be useful in case an underlying metabolic/hormone disorder is the cause of your irregular cycles.
Anon
+a million.
You need to know if and when you are ovulating. You may have a long or sort luteal phase, be having intercourse when you aren’t fertile, or not be ovulating yet. Track your cycles if you are TTC.
Lana Del Raygun
I would start charting in more detail, depending on what you’ve been tracking so far. “Irregular cycles” are only really a concern if you have an irregular luteal phase (more than +/- 1-2 days). Variation is the pre-ovulatory phase is pretty normal (if you frequently delay ovulation that can be a sign of stress but it’s not the kind of probably hormonal issue an irregular luteal phase is). Also, you’d want to make sure you were actually “using” (ugh) your fertile days before thinking you have an issue conceiving.
Anon
+1000
Make sure you “garden” every 2-3 days.
Anonymous
another +million to gardening enough. I still remember what I posted DH and I gardened every other day throughout my cycle and a poster was surprised because they only gardened like once a week and on the day she ovulated or something. That level of infrequency (3-4 times a cycle) will take a long time to achieve a pregnancy even if there are no other issues.
Anonymous
It’s definitely not a frequency problem. We’re naturally at 4-5 times per week all the time, irrespective of when in the cycle we are.
Anon
Super late, so you may not see this, but more frequent isn’t necessarily better for TTC. You need him to be releasing optimal levels of sp*rm at the right time. Doctors recommend every other day for a reason – if you’re not doing that, I would start there.
Anonymous
Thanks, everyone. Any good resources for how to get smart on this stuff? It seems bad that I’m 32 and have literally never heard the words “luteal phase” until today.
Anon For This
Sorry for being all over this thread. I feel strongly about being vocal about fertility issues for the very reason you’ve highlighted – issues can impact all of us, yet there is so little GOOD, concise, digestible, down to earth advice out there.
i found a lot of good info on the reddit thread /infertility (I think that was it…? a simple internet search will help you find it.) It was a little overwhelming at first because people on it were way, way more well versed than I was or ever will be but between reading that thread and doing some related g o o g l i n g of terminology and whatnot I learned a lot. I also posted on my own about what I was experiencing and got some great advice and direction early on. It’s by no means gospel – it’s reddit after all – but it was a great, no BS starting point.
FWIW – I have no idea what luteal phase is. Don’t feel bad.
Anon
Taking Charge of Your Fertility is an amazing book. I learned a ton about my body.
Not a Fun Guy
Commiserating. It’s been over 6 months and I’ve only had one period. My PCP said she isn’t worried unless it’s 6 consecutive months without one. I had blood drawn for some hormone tests a few months ago, which all came back normal.
Anon
I’m looking for a thick, washable, large bathroom mat. Any recommendations?
Formerly Lilly
If you are taking about a traditional toweling material bath mat with some serious heft to it, Restoration Hardware. I have three, wash them weekly, and they are still in excellent condition after several years.
Marie
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B076DXKYM8/ref=ppx_yo_mob_b_inactive_ship_o0_img?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Bought in dark gray. Dries fast after shower, machine washes well and very comfortable to stand on.
Rainbow Hair
We have a memory foam one from Target that it comfy for kneeling on while bathing Kiddo. I am surprised it’s washable but my husband is constantly putting it through the washer — air dryer though.
Lana Del Raygun
I like the Toftbo from IKEA.
Anon
The downside to thick mats is that they can soak up a lot of water and kill your washer. I have thick, soft Ikea ones and I can only wash 1 at a time because they are so heavy when wet. They are very tough on our front loader.
Anon
LL Bean– the one that wirecutter recommends.
Interior designer
Does anyone have insights on how one can get the most out of working with an Interior Designer? Or even if they are worth the money? We are renovating/ finishing our basement into a family/rec room and had an initial meeting with an interior designer. She then sent us her quote for services, and we’re not quite sure if it is worth the $3000 to basically have someone help us pick paint and floor colors and give us a sketch of furniture layout. We originally had contacted the company because we are starting from a blank slate and wanted someone to help us figure out how to make the end result cohesive and functional- we have a lot of heirloom pieces that we want to go into the space, but we didn’t know where to start to how to source materials because our Pinterest board for the project seemed eclectic and not very cohesive (i.e. Husband wants it to look like an industrial speakeasy with lots of reclaimed wood). We thought that there would be more back and forth with the interior designer and she would bring more ideas to the table, but her quote mentions just one more meeting and one shopping trip and we are very indecisive people.
Thoughts?
CHL
For that need, I might try Modsy. I used them for our basement – it’s really cheap and you can get a couple different layouts. Then i liked using their tools to swap things out and I only ordered one or two things through them but liked the overall experience. It’s not the most wildly creative design but I’m okay with that. It was much quicker than the human that we used for our living room/ dining room decorating.
Anonymous
That sounds ridiculous. I needed help figuring out a floorplan in our living room after moving, and I paid $75 an hour for an artist who runs a local furniture shop/framing place/doodads store to come over and give me advice. I’d look for something like that if I were you, not a designer. Find a local, non-chain home store and ask if they know someone. Or, take good measurements and lots of pictures and go into Ballards or Ethan Allen when they’re slow and they’ll help you.
Vicky Austin
Speaking as an indecisive person, are you not paying her to “help” you decide? That may involve her moving on a faster timeline than you are used to. Obviously you don’t have to pay for anything you don’t want, but this is what interior designers do.
Anon
MODSY.
I learned about it three weeks ago on this s !te and so I took advantage of a fourth of july 3-pack sale to do three rooms at once and the results were truly incredible. Something like $79 per room for the designs. The designs they sent to me were so very spot on. I can now buy the furniture through them or do it on my own. We’ll probably do a combination of both.
Legally Brunette
Ooh, I’m so glad that you had a great experience. I’m considering using Modsy as well.
Anon
I’m midstream with them. I just placed an order through them for furniture for my home office (a combo of Wayfair, CB2, and Crate & Barrel stuff). The order is pending so I can’t report back on how the actual “ordering concierge” works or if it’s worth it but the room was the smallest of the three so I was willing to give it a whirl. If it all works out, they will be worth their weight in gold to me.
I will say it was a little unclear and confusing how promo codes work. We are getting two identical desks and they went on sale immediately after I got my design quotes plus a free shipping promo code on the vendor page. They’re one of the named vendors they work with so in theory I should get the benefit of the item sale plus free shipping. I will report back as soon as it’s all confirmed, which should be later today! But, so far, so good.
Anon
Others obviously have strong (negative) opinions about the value a designer brings, but my experience (middle-aged, have owned several houses) is it’s worth it if you’re design-challenged, like me. That fee does not seem surprising or high if you are buying new furniture for one or more rooms. Designers know how to design the room and they know the products, pricing, pros and cons of various pieces. For me the finished look of a designed space is much more attractive than most DIY rooms (just my view–many would prefer the DIY approach). Of course, you have to be happy with the terms. IME, you won’t get unlimited meetings or shopping time, but the designer should be specific about what’s included. If it’s not enough, keep looking. Also, this may be obvious, but try to find someone whose sample rooms (on the website or wherever) are closest to your personal style–designers have their preferences and their rooms tend to look alike.
Anonymous
Unless you want access to to the trade furniture, I don’t think this is worth it.
Anon
I think this is going to sound snarky and I don’t mean it to – but – are there many adults that enjoy swimming in a swimming pool just for the sake of it (ie. not because the kids are and they want to join, etc.)? I’ll swim in a lake when I’m camping or cottaging or go into a pool with nieces or nephews, but I don’t really get the appeal of pool parties for all adults, for example. I’m invited to one tonight and so do not feel like swimming. Am I the only curmudgeon?
Anon
I like it! I like to swim for exercise and I like pool parties and splashing around just for fun too. And I don’t have kids but I LOVE water parks. I’m super paranoid about sun exposure though (way too much sun damage in my teens and 20s) so I don’t spend a ton of time in pools except the indoor one at the gym.
lsw
+1, I love everything water from pool to lake to ocean to swim parks.
CountC
Same!
Anonymous
Me too! Anything involving water, I’m totally happy to participate in
Vicky Austin
I love it, but sometimes feel a bit…self-conscious? of what I’m actually doing to just mess around. That’s a me problem though.
Lana Del Raygun
I mean, do people actually swim at pool parties? I think it’s just a way to hang out outdoors without being too hot. But maybe that doesn’t apply to your weather.
Anon
+1 I agree with this and most adult pool parties are just floating or standing in the water with drink in hand, but also, yes, I love swimming in pools or any other type of body of water.
BabyAssociate
You’re not the only one! I used to swim for exercise, which was great, but am no longer able to do that conveniently. Otherwise…I’m just not a water person.
anon
I love it. I joined our neighborhood pool partly for my kid, but I also like to go by myself and just float on a floaty and relax. I find water very relaxing.
Anon
I don’t like pools or pool parties. Lakes and rivers and beaches, all the way.
Anonia
I swim for exercise and love lakes and oceans. But to me, an adult only pool party sounds like a special kind of social h*ll. I’m pretty shy and introverted though.
anon
Where do you live? In the SEUS, hanging out by the pool/in the pool is a pretty regular summer activity just cause it’s so dang hot its one of the only acceptable ways to be outside. Hanging out in the pool usually means lounging on floats/the stairs/bouncing about and talking, not like, playing marco polo and hitting each other with noodles and squirt guns. My friend group doesn’t have formal pool parties often, though, (prob in part because none of us have private pools) and I don’t know many people who do–especially not at night.
anon
Full-fledged adult who loves the water in all forms: pool, lake, ocean, river, water park …
I’m aware that I’m an outlier, though!
Small Firm IP Litigator
I swim laps for exercise at a public pool about 2x a week. I love hanging out by the pool/beach on weekends/vacation. Many of the pool parties I go to are during the day, and everyone is in bathing suits if not in the water. And yes, I love lounging in a pool and cooling off.
Worry about yourself
I like it, especially on hot days! I just really like the feeling of being in the water and feeling weightless. That said, I can totally see how this wouldn’t be everyone’s jam, and that’s okay!
Em
I’m not around a pool much but we have a lake house and there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than floating in the lake on a cheapo plastic floaty.
Anon
I had some items in my cart (kids sneakers, grocery etc) that I didn’t order during Prime Day, and today I see that many of those items have dropped in price! Interesting… was this Amazon’s reaction to sell those items that didn’t do well on Prime day?
Anon
To a certain extent it’s probably like Black Friday, where the “sales” aren’t really sales at all.
Anonymous
I bought a groupon recently for 3 sessions of microneedling with PRP + PRP injections (“Vampire facial”) after having great experience with microneedling and hearing PRP makes it even better. Had never heard of the medspa before. My experience was not great. It HURT a LOT, and I say this as someone who has had lots of microneedling done in the past. The PRP injections especially. The results were great in the end but I had about 3 weeks of intense swelling and bruising on my face (never experienced this before). I’m considering forgoing my 2 remaining sessions, or at least skipping the PRP injections (even though everyone is saying it’s so great). Thoughts?
Anon
You just said you didn’t like it and it hurt, so no, I wouldn’t do it again.
iced coffee
Not trying to scare you, but vampire facials are often unregulated procedures and several state AG / licensing offices are trying to shut down clinics that do them. There have been instances of patients contracting HIV in New Mexico, so I’d definitely skip the last 2 sessions (particularly because the first one was a bad experience for you).
anon
I know it’s none of my business, but a 30-year-old relative of mine hosted a Botox party at her house last night and I’m dismayed that this is even a thing. If you’re already getting Botox at 30 — when you BARELY show any signs of aging — what are you going to be doing to your face at 40, 50, 60, 70?
Keek
Probably less Botox than you otherwise would be doing because it’s preventive. But, I’m more of a to each her own sort of person (have never gotten Botox).
Anon
+1 Botox isn’t for me but preventative Botox is definitely a thing.
Anonymous
Not trying to encourage anyone to get Botox, but agree with above, it can be preventative, and when you’re relatively young a small number of units can smooth out crows feet, etc, before they’re untreatable. These “parties” happen, I think, because the price per units varies which has a huge impact on the cost of service, and so it’s essentially buying in bulk to lower the price per unit for participants. I’m 28 and would go.
Suburban
To answer you: I started Botox in my early 30s and at the ages you mention above I plan on doing: any darn thing I please with my own face.
Is the implication here that a 30 year old who gets Botox will get tons of very obvious plastic surgery down the road? I think that’s silly. I’m just as likely to continue minimally invasive in office procedures over time. Or, I’ll consider cosmetic surgery before I’ve aged so much that the results become particularly dramatic.
You’re not alone here: people so weird about Botox. I’m really open about mine. Typically someone will comment that I look great for my age and I’ll thank them and mention the Botox. Then they’ll get upset and insist that I don’t need it. It’s so weird. Like how do they know that?
Anon
People are so weird about appearances in general. I put this in the same bucket as people who like to comment on what others are eating/not eating and insisting they “don’t need to diet” (and that’s before getting into the whole can of worms or maybe I’m not partaking just for weight concerns)
anon
I started Botox as a preventative measure at 27 and I already look young. Let people live their lives.