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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Sleeveless Silk Blend Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This feminine, silk-blend blouse is a great neutral to have on hand for workweek or weekend looks. I would wear this with a white blazer and black pants for a business casual look or with a navy skirt suit for a more formal office.

The care instructions suggest that it be dry cleaned, but I’ve had pretty good luck with Martha Stewart’s advice for taking care of silk, so I might risk it after a few wears. (We've also talked about washing “dry clean only” clothes in the past.)

The blouse is $250 and available in sizes XS–XL. Sleeveless Silk Blend Top

A more affordable option is this sleeveless top from Elie Tahari; it's on sale for $80.10 (originally $178) and is available in navy, black, and cream (in different lucky sizes in each). NYDJ's “sleeveless perfect blouse” comes in black, white, and several patterns and goes up to size 3X; it's $79.

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358 Comments

  1. Has anyone recently done a COVID-19 test in the NY metro area (suburbs are fine), that it didnt take 10 days to get your results? Any suggestions as to where I could go? I’m going to stay with my grandma next week (her usual caretakers aren’t available) and she is at extremely high risk bc of age and pre-existing conditions. I’m being very mindful of social distance, etc. in the meantime, but I would just really like the peace of mind of having a recent negative COVID test.

    1. Not a personal rec, but a friend had a test at NYU Langone and got results the next day. I am not sure how she arranged the appointment, sorry! But maybe worth calling.

    2. Check with your town. I live in Hoboken and they have the rapid 15 minute testing.

    4. In NYC, avoid CityMD. I have heard better things about getting testing at H+H or your own doctor’s office.

    5. They have rapid testing at Montefiore, I heard. Fort Greene H&H has also apparently been getting results back in 2-3 days because they do it on site. I did the Sunset Park H&H, which sends to Quest, and it took 9 calendar days.

      1. Can confirm Montefiore has very quick turnover for tests. Very efficient testing process. I was tested because I had a dentist appointment. They have a testing location in Tarrytown. I don’t know if you can get tested without a medical procedure/dentist appt scheduled.

  2. Those of you who usually wear suits but are working remote – are you storing them or putting them in a different closet? I have a dozen or so suits staring at me every day but I probably won’t have to wear one until next year. Debating whether to box them and toss the boxes on top of my closet with off season storage (keeping one out in case of emergency)?

    1. If it’s a question of space, you can box them, but they’ll need a serious pressing once you take them out again. If you have space I would just leave them hanging, maybe covered with a garment bag or dry cleaning bag

    2. I would send them all to the cleaners, and then keep them in the cleaning bags to stay clean until you next need them.

      1. I would consider not leaving them in the plastic dry cleaning bags – in some environments/climates the plastic bags can encourage a moldy smell. Use cloth bags if you can instead!

        1. This is true. Scottie knows that plastic in a humid enviroment creates mold. I had to give away alot of my winter dresses last year when I discovered that the cleaning bags I had left them in the closet created a moldy smell I could not get rid of with another dry cleaning. I recommend that you get some nice cedar blocks to put in your closet and then dont worry about the cedar smell (which goes away), b/c it smells like the woods (which is good).
          I met a guy in Whole Foods that I have had a texting relationship with over the last few weeks. We met once in the park for a socially distant lunch — I brought sanwiches that I got from Citarella’s. He was impressed that I know so much about NYC — he moved here from Erie, Pensylvania last year and does not know alot of people. He wanted to know if I would date him, but he is to young for me (25 and a finance degree from Bucknell) and we are in the middle of a virus. He could not believe I was a partner in a law firm — he said most women lawyers he knew were not as pretty as me. I did not fully agree with him, but I think he was serius. My freind Myrna thinks he just wants to have s-x, but will not stick with me after he gets me to pull my panties down for him, so I am proceeding with caution. YAY!!!

    3. I put them in a spare closet and put all my fun summer stuff in my regular closet instead. I left one or two dresses and blazers for Zoom stuff.

    4. I’ve been contemplating moving mine from my tiny apartment to the walk in closet I have at my dad’s house. I don’t even have zoom meetings to put blazers on for, since my job is not that technologically advanced! I was afraid of jinxing myself by moving everything, but it’s looking pretty likely I’m not going to be needing business formal attire for at least another couple of months…

    5. We have been doing a lot of virtual appearances so I would not put away suiting needed for that. Don’t skimp on pants, we had a reporter stand up to get exhibits and it was clear she had shorts on.

    6. If you’re thinking of boxing and putting in off season storage, consider whether you have space for one of those moving boxes with the hanging rod. That way they are being kept in a good condition.

  3. Ergonomics question! I bought a desk that I’m retrospect is too tall for me (5’2″) to comfortably type. Do I: (1) install a keyboard tray to lower my typing height; (2) raise the chair and get a foot stool; (3) something else??

    1. Ergonomics professionals recommend a keyboard tray anyway, so if this is doable, it’s the best solution.

        1. You can probably get a better keyboard tray this way, so don’t second guess it. The only issue is installation if you’re not handy and don’t want to bring in a handyman or a handy friend.

    2. There also be an issue with the armrests being 1) too high, and 2) set too wide for a smaller person. Many chairs have an adjustment for #1 but not for #2. Someone on this list recommended the Steelcase Leap v2 as a good chair for smaller people. It’s pricey but I finally bit the bullet, and my back has improved 80–90% in about two months. That’s the only change, so I credit finally using a chair built for smaller people. I know it’s not what you asked, but the ultimate solution might be a chair that fits.

      1. I just bought the Steelcase Think this weekend! Even with that, the desk is 31″ tall, whereas my ideal desk height would apparently be closer to 28.5″ according to the guy at the office furniture store. This all makes me so sad.

        1. I use an armless chair based on ergonomic recommendations – it’s definitely helpful.

    3. I’m the same height and cut the legs of my desk to make it the right height. It may not be workable depending on your desk, but I’m so glad I did it.

  4. Anyone watching Married at First Sight? My complaint is that it’s too dragged out with too many generic sound bytes and commercials, but I do really want to see everyone fall in love.

    Would you ever get married at first sight? For me, it’s a no. I just don’t trust people that much (experts or potential mates.)

    What do you think of the couples? Amelia & Bennet, yes. Woody and Amani, yes. Karen and Miles, maybe. Henry & Christina, I hope so. I think I used to be a Henry in my youth lol. Maybe he’ll come out of his shell & these two will surprise us.

    1. Long ago before I met my DH I was talking about it with a friend. If the show did the level of involvement they claim in matching people, like they did in the first season, and that I could verify that the person they selected for me would be of my same religious group and a good match in that regard, I would’ve considered it. Women outnumber men in my denomination (although I think that’s true of most religions and denominations in general) and in some areas it might be as lopsided as 2:1 or even 3:1 ratio of young, single women to men. At some point, if they found me a good match, I might’ve taken the deal and seen where it led. Although the worst part would be being on TV, for sure.

    2. This show is one of my guilty pleasures but I haven’t started this season. The commercials aren’t as bad when you watch past seasons!

      I’ve thought a lot about whether I would do an arranged marriage. One of my biggest hurdles in dating is finding someone who wants a commitment and everything that goes along with it – being an equal partner, making time and space for someone in your life, wanting to amplify each other’s joy and help shoulder their burdens. I’ve dated so many guys who want companionship but they have given zero thought to what it means to be a good partner. They’re very happy to take but the moment the relationship is the slightest bit inconvenient, they’re over it (I.e.: me – I just found out I didn’t make partner, some friends are taking me out to wallow, would you like to come? Him – nah I don’t feel like putting on pants). The idea of being matched with someone who wants a real relationship has a lot of appeal.

      1. That’s true. I think that’s one of the reasons the matches could/sometimes work — when they find people who really want a partnership and are mature enough to know what that entails (and to focus on the important vs superficial things).

    3. I highly doubt I would do it, but I also think that sometimes compatibility is not so straight-forward. As we saw on the threads last week about the friend who was perceived to have married someone who didn’t seem like a fit and is now happily married, attraction and what works is not a science. My husband and I were routinely questioned about whether we were “right” for each other, but then sometimes we see the most random examples of being the exact right person for the other. I’m extremely extroverted and my husband is extremely introverted. He just doesn’t see the point of talking to people at all, let alone making small talk or joining in on a conversation with a large group of strangers who he may never see again. But he talks to me, and over the 15+ years we’ve been together, he’s come out of his shell a bit. I tend to say I’m quite risk-averse, while my husband is extremely adventurous. He’s introduced several fun hobbies into my life that I never would’ve tried without his passion. Our values match about family, money, religion, and career. We have a similar worldview. But the similarities stopped there before we got together and starting influencing the trajectory of the other person’s life. If you “matched” me with what I wrote down on paper or said I wanted, I don’t think you would’ve picked my husband. And yet, we work. I also think there’s a level of willingness to make it work. I’m not talking about putting up with the nonsense that comes up on this board about not being equal partners, but my husband and I both choose to be happy, choose to be in the marriage each day, and choose to make it a partnership that we want to keep. Yes, sometimes we fight or get annoyed at each other because we’re humans, but I think commitment to building a good life together is what ultimately makes it work. So maybe if these match-makers could suss out the particular stubborn streak that we both have that is actually a huge asset to our marriage to each other, they might’ve picked him for me.

      1. Yeah, my husband and I have a lot in common, but I don’t think the experts ever would have matched us because we’re an interracial couple … they claim applicants only want to be matched with people of the same race, but IDK if I quite believe that’s true as there’s plenty of diverse people who are culturally American if nothing else.

  5. Can I get some perspectives on how to do household finances when incomes are very unequal? How much does each person contribute to a shared bank account, and, how do you decide what’s reasonable to spend on housing? My fiance and I are looking for a new place; we live together now in what used to be my apartment. I’m a few years older, earn $160k to his $45k, and due to being frugal, and childless, for years and years, have accumulated a large pile of savings (~$500k outside of retirement).

    It’s really important to him that he feels he’s contributing financially, and he would prefer we rent something where he can contribute about half the cost. A previous relationship with a woman who came from a very wealthy family made that an extra sensitive spot for him. He’d prefer something around $1500/mo. To me it’s important to turn all the sorrow I’ve experienced into a nice home for us, and I’m happy to pay more for shorter commutes with the hopes that that will help me not be an exhausted mess if/once we have kids. Things I’d like are more around $2200/mo. We both understand each other’s points of view, but, it’s still hard, we keep not both wanting to say “yes” to the same apartment, and sometimes I feel sad that if we stick to his preferred budget I can’t enjoy the benefits of my own hard work.

    Other useful info: We hope to have kids asap. Both our jobs are decently but not amazingly stable. He could get another job very easily if he needed to. I would need to either move to another city or find something that pays less….but honestly, if we had kids when I lost my job I’d probably look for something part time or want to stay home for a while. Right now he has more flexibility, and does probably 75% of the household “stuff” – I come home and things are magically done:-) He’s handy and happy to do some fixer-upper stuff; I don’t really want to deal with the hassle of fixer-upperness in the years we hope to have pregnancy/little kids. We currently don’t have a shared bank account but want to set that up soon. And, to close, we like and respect each other tremendously:-)

    1. To me if you aren’t fully sharing finances on marriage you aren’t really married. I know people disagree but you’re supposed to be on the same team building a life together.

      1. +1. When you fully share, it lessens the chance of issues like this. Would you want to reconsider that conversation with him?

        1. It lessens it, but I doubt that the issue will go away. It’s emotional, not financial. This may be a therapy topic to explore.

          1. Correct. Maybe it lessens this issue for some couples, but my ex husband and I had completely shared everything, and his discomfort with my being the main breadwinner had a huge part in the downfall of our marriage. Definitely have some further conversations and make sure you feel comfortable that this isn’t what’s going on, OP!

            And, you earn good money and have saved aggressively. With fiance’s agreement, I would use $2200 as the max budget, with him contributing proportionately to the rent up to $750 (his contribution at the max price he’s comfortable with).

      2. Right. If a SAHM followed this rule the family’s budget for housing would be – zero? Why does him feeling bad mean you can’t have a nice home?

      4. I am married and don’t share finances in the joint account way. You can still be part of a team without joint accounts (not sure if this is what the poster is referring to). The way we do it is roughly this: We each decide what we are comfortable spending, and whomever wants the “higher” thing pays the difference. So if we’re buying a car and my husband wants to buy a 30K one, but I want the 50K one, he pays 15K and I pay 35K to buy the 50K (assuming that the reason for the preference difference is just financial and not like eco-friendliness or something like that). Obviously, this assumes each person is being trustworthy and not just low-balling to get the other person to pay more, but…if that’s not the case then our marriage would have way worse problems.

      5. I can’t stand blanket statements like this. Of course people can have different financial arrangements and be “fully married.” Stop it with that nonsense.

      6. As someone struggling with filial responsibility laws in a draconian state, I can say that this POV is overly simplified for a lot of households. If I’m not careful with how I split my finances with my husband, I may become responsible for the living expenses of my deadbeat FIL.

          1. I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. My husband is being forced by the state to support his elderly father, despite not having a good relationship with him. I have to keep my finances separate or risk my income being counted towards my father-in-law’s “share” of my husband’s money. This has nothing to do with us becoming parents ourselves.

        2. Just throwing out there that between DH and myself we have a deadbeat IL. We approached it as a team. It’s my parent and we have talked at length about what if any support we will provide. And if there is any it will come from “us” not “me.”

          Our incomes have always been fairly similar but we’ve also been “joint pot” since day 1. I made less for many years, but then DH went to grad school and didn’t work for 2 years while amassing 80k in debt. We made the same for a bit, then I made more, then I went part time, then DH got a promotion. Too much of a headache for us to track.

          1. Anon at 12:27 is addressing filial support laws, in which the state mandates that the child pay for the parent’s living and sometimes nursing home expenses. In those circumstances, you keep the money separate because the STATE limits what it takes. Unless you want, for example, the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania dictating parental support to you, you make the decision yourself and part of that is separate finances.

    2. Can you set it out like you split the ‘base’ stuff 50-50 and then you take care of the extras that you want? Like you would both manage in a 1500 month apartment so you split that amount and then you throw in an extra $500 or whatever for a better experience via a shorter commute or whatever. Tell him that he shouldn’t have to pay more because you want ‘extras’ like a shorter commute.

      I think you’re making smart decisions. A short commute when you have kids is so helpful.

      A shared account for household expenses may help him see household money as joint money. You can each contribute a set portion of your salaries.

      1. If you are married and are having s-x with the goal of children, once you do this w/o other strings attached, you should not be worried about how much $ you or he are putting into the relationship. Make sure you get him to have as much s-x as you need to get pregnant, b/c once you are pregnant, you will be able to hold on to him and the martial relationship. He sounds like he will be useful, so you need to make sure he is not shooting blanks when he dates and mates with you.

      2. I think this framing is great– the more expensive apartment is because of “extras” that you are willing to (and would prefer to) pay for; it’s not because he doesn’t have the income to contribute “his half” to base expenses. Of course, I think once you are married, the “contribute financially equally” mindset doesn’t make sense–you both contribute many monetary and non-monetary things to the relationship–but I also *do* understand his perspective.

    3. If his budget is 750 then what does it matter if he contributes it to the 1500 or 2200 place? He’ll just contribute what he can; and you guys, as a team, will get a place that you together can afford even if it means the affordability is helped by your income. “WE can afford this place” is a true statement no matter the split. He just has to man up about it and stop placing his insecurity on you.

      1. +1. I left another comment above, but on second read, nothing but his insecurity is causing this and that’s not a good reason for you to get a farther-from-work home.

      2. I like your “WE can afford this”. I’ll keep trying that approach. Also, to be clear, I’m totally fine with him putting in $500 and me covering the rest… I also like the idea of presenting things like 1500 as the baseline and I pay for the benefit of a shorter commute.

    4. We agree on a household budget, and then contribute proportionally to our income, basically like an income tax, everyone pays what they can. This means he currently pays two thirds, since he makes double what I make. It also meant that I paid everything when he had no income.
      The fact that your fiance isn’t willing to have you pay more than half while he also does the majority of the unpaid work around the house, is something that you two should really discuss. I have a hard time imagining a way where this won’t lead to resentment.

      1. Based on your responses on the thread, OP, I want to share a bit about the discussions we had around this. We used to make almost the same, and back then, we were both on board with splitting expenses based on relative income. DH also doesn’t bat an eye at paying a larger share, now that he makes twice my salary. The only times when we’ve had to discuss this was when he was between jobs, or one time when it looked like he might have a gap (but ended up finding a job right on time). Every time he was very resistant to the idea of me footing the bills, even when a new, much more highly paid job was already lined up with something like a 2-month gap only. What helped was for me to remind him that he is perfectly happy shouldering a larger share in the reverse case, so he should let me do the same in this case. We are a team and support each other, but the direction the support flows and the currency of the support will vary over time(it’s not all about money). A real partnership means giving and receiving, mutually.
        I know that my husband gets pressure from his parents for our relationship being too modern and him not being ‘the provider’. So I need to remind him that I am not looking for the kind of relationship that his parents have. That worked for me.

    5. I’d guess I have the most unequal income split of anyone on this board other than SAHMs – my husband’s comp is 10x mine. Our paychecks are deposited into the same account – we do not separate finances at all. Personally I don’t understand how people who are married continue to think about money as mine vs yours. I don’t judge it, but I don’t understand it because it’s foundational to my understanding of marriage that you’re in one financial boat together. For other people, that isn’t the case at all, and I think that’s fine so long as the partners have the same perspective.

      I think the most important thing in your situation is really to talk about how each of you view finances in marriage and to get on the same page about the issue. The details of how accounts are divided or what apartment you can afford will be easier to sort after you’ve gotten clarity about each of your fundamental assumptions and beliefs about this, IMO.

      1. Thanks, this is really helpful! This and the above comments are helping me see I need to start with “how is this family going to do finances as a team” rather than “how do we choose our apartment”. Thank you!

        1. Just a counterpoint from some of the comments above (and there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to do things) –

          We are absolutely a team when it comes to life, home, purchases, kids, etc. – but we got married in our late 30s and our money is separate. We split joint expenses based on % income, and then mostly pay for personal expenses out of leftovers in our own accounts. I will often buy more of the things that are joint-wants rather than joint-needs because I significantly outearn my husband. He has never, ever cared that I’ve always made at least 70% of our HHI – he’s f’ing proud of me.

          I think it’s less about whether your money is in one pot, multiple pots some-shared some-not, or all separate pots, and more about how you approach life.

          1. +1 – I agree with this. We currently split household expenses 50/50, with each of us putting the same amount into joint checking and savings accounts every month, and we each keep separate accounts as well. We’re definitely a team, are in the same financial boat, and make major financial decisions together. And to be honest, some of the comments that you’re not really married unless you’re sharing 100% of your finances are pretty rude and judgmental.

          2. As a one-potter, I agree with the idea that it’s how you approach life. I don’t think that there’s a one-size-fits-all method, or that anyone’s marriage is less of a “team” if they split finances or don’t 100% share finances. For a couple with the issues OP mentioned, and her ideas about staying home, it seems like a joint approach might make the most sense for their team. It doesn’t mean that everyone’s team has to take the same joint approach.

    6. How are you going to pay the rent on a $2200/mo apartment if you lose your job and then decide to just work part time or stay home for awhile instead of immediately seeking a full time job with similar salary? Is he aware of your desire to work part time or not work at all for awhile if you lose your job? He’s probably only comfortable with a place around $1500/mo because that’s a lot easier to pay from his salary/your savings in the event you have a job loss.

      1. She mentioned a lot of savings that could be used to defray costs. And if they’re renting they could get a cheaper place if necessary when it’s time to renew – that’s the nice thing about renting

      2. Yeah, that’s part of his concern. But… We could pay for that apartment for 17 years from my savings, without touching retirement! I always saved knowing I wanted the option to work less after kids And, if something happens, I’d look for a job again.

    7. My boyfriend and I make very similar numbers to you guys. We split the rent and housing bills by percentage of HHI (I make 3/4 of the money, so pay 3/4 of the rent). We don’t have a set split for groceries, restaurants, and entertainment costs. One of us just pays the bill, and I probably pick it up 2 out of 3 times. This works for us because (1) we think it is generally fair and don’t do score keeping and (2) we plan to get married relatively soon, plan to have a one-pot money approach then, and so already kind of think of it as all our money.

      1. I think you are being to technical with the numbers. You are marrying this dude, so you should not have to divide everything parri parsu, as you are doing. If you were not marrying this dude, I would agree. Hopefully this will change once you are sleeping in the same bed.

    8. We’re team common pot, meaning that both of our paychecks go into the same account and all the bills get paid out of that account. It’s our money, meaning we both get a say but also both get to have a nice life together. It sounds like he had a weird experience with a previous partner who made it feel ‘unequal’ and he’s still a little wary of that.

      It’s like a business. Just because Sales is the one who brings in more money doesn’t mean Accounting isn’t important.

      I know other people who have proportional ‘allowances’, but honestly – we never really felt like we had to do that. We have an agreement that if you’re going to spend more than $200 on something, you give the other partner a heads up with veto power. Right now, my husband earns about 1.6x what I earn; however, I’m the one who’s able to deal with 80% of our Life Logistics because of my job. We’re a team and part of that means that we’re both invested in the other’s success.

    9. We have a similar income split and DH has a fairly PT and very flexible job which enables him to do almost all of the before/after school childcare (less money in but a lot less going out). In non-covid world, of course.
      All of our money is in joint accounts and we pull and move around as needed. Our Checks are both deposited to shared accounts. We do what WE can afford. DH’s reduced income +schedule flexibility is crucial to the family, similar to PP’s comment about SAHP’s. I would highly encourage you to consider co-mingling everything. And if either of you have reservations, please talk it out, etc, NOW before you get married and have kids.
      To your fiance’s point – try like hell to live on a reduced income esp if you are planning to have kids soon. Those little suckers are so darn expensive and can do unexpected things to your paychecks!

    10. Been married over 10 years, and in that time our income disparity has varied a lot – from me earning nothing as a law student while he was in nonprofit work to me earning 5 times what he makes (me in private practice, him in government.) In our marriage, it would not work to divvy things up based on income – everything goes in one pot (except for some inherited assets that are technically only in that person’s name), and we make joint decisions about spending and budgets. This also means that we would have to make a joint decision if I wanted to take a pay cut or leave private practice, and it also means that we have a joint understanding that he has to take on more childcare/household duties at times because I have to work long hours.

      The thing that worries me a little from your post is that there’s an undertone of insecurity about his ability to contribute financially. IMO, you really, really, really have to approach marriage as a team – and this is especially true with an income disparity, and even more especially true when the disparity is not traditional. Maximizing the family’s happiness should be everyone’s goal, especially when kids arrive. Sometimes that means maximizing joint income, and sometimes it doesn’t – it is so dependent on each family’s situation. I can tell you that with kids, a short commute is important – if you have to pick up a sick kid, or have to finish something up at the office, you will be glad for every fewer minute.

      1. Also, re-reading your post and noting your very substantial savings – you should consider talking to a financial advisor and possibly a T&E attorney about your options regarding protection of those assets. Once you are married, those assets may become joint assets in the event of a divorce. Admittedly, I do not approach my own marriage’s finances with a pure “what if we divorce” mindset – but I would also hate to see you decide to stay home with kids, subsidized by your savings and foresight, and then if you get divorced effectively lose half that cushion. Same with using that for any joint asset, like a home purchase – make sure you can get it back if you divorce (perhaps even with a time limit or something, like within five years of purchase). You worked hard and sacrificed to build up that savings. Use it to support your new joint endeavor, but make sure it’s protected. Just some unsolicited advice from someone whose parents got divorced. It’s one reason I will never leave the workforce.

      2. +1. Married 30 years, income disparity has gone from me=primary/him=nothing, to equal, to him=primary. In our marriage, it all gets thrown in one pot and we make joint decisions about spending and budgets. Each of us has a certain amount of “fun money” and we each have a limit where we would consult/inform the other before purchasing. Like the other poster, that also means joint decisions about careers.

    11. I think marrying someone with family money and someone who has earned her own money should be very different situations and issues? I agree with other posters that once you’re married there is family income and family expenses? Would a prenup make him feel better? we did the Dave Ramsey class very early in our marriage and it really helped us to be on the same page about money, though it doesn’t really discuss this particular issue, that class, or something like it would facilitate lots of discussions and planning.

    12. We’re full joint accounts with no separate money and have been since we got married. My husband earns about double what I do but I was the higher earner when we married and made career sacrifices for him. Agree with others that it’s fundamental to marriage to me that we’re a team and we just have “our money” not “my money“ vs “his money” and I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who saw it differently.

    13. We have a fairly significant income gap (think my tax bill is higher than his annual salary) and still maintain separate accounts have 15 plus years together. We manage splitting expenses by doing it item by item – e.g., I pay mortgage in full from my account but he pays utilities in full from his account. For us, it works better this way than some sort of 80/20 split into a communal account.

    14. So when we first got together we made about the same Amount of money and split our rent and common expenses. Now I make significantly more. What worked for us is we still split that basic stuff but as we’ve taken on more expensive, I’ve picked them up. For example, I now pay for our car and our dogs daycare. I also put away extra money in case one of us loses our job.

  6. Have you hosted a hearing on webex? My court is moving to virtual hearings and we’re trying to figure it all out. I would love to hear any tips or recommendations about what worked and what to avoid, especially in regards to removing people when confidential information is being shared by the parties.

    1. this looks like it may have posted late, but for side conversations, people usually mute or hang up from the webex and dial in to a separate bridge. Eliminates the risk that you make a mistake about who’s still on the line.

    2. You can move people to the lobby and they will not be able to hear or see what goes on in the meeting.

    3. We use webex for remote court proceedings here in RI. There is a waiting room function like in zoom and the host can admit people (and also remove them back to the waiting room) without them just being able to join the hearing. Here, the hearings are live streamed to youtube and a steno is taking a full record so nothing is confidential. If attorneys are talking amongst themselves they usually just mute themselves and talk or text back and forth.

  7. Pondering a shower reno and wondering — what is the ideal way to store a zillion shampoo bottles, particularly larger sizes (33oz+), without making scummy shower shelves or using dorm products like tension rods or plastic baskets? (I’d love to hear anything you LOVE about your shower situation, too! Jets/steam? Pebbled floors? Bench?) Our footprint will probably be foot bigger in both directions from the typical rectangular shower.)

      1. +1 – we have 3 bottles (my shampoo/conditioner and husband’s shampoo), 1 bar of soap and my razor. Makes cleaning shower so much easier.

    2. We have a really large shower with a big, deep tiled bench…. HOWEVER. If I did it again, I would either do a teak bench or (more likely) install radiant heating underneath the bench. in practicality, we can’t actually it on it for 75% of the year because it’s on an exterior wall and is absolutely freezing!

      I do like two showerheads, including one that’s removable for a handheld option. It’s nice to have that versatility.

    3. I have a square-shaped shower (not bath), and in one corner, put a tiny corner bench (maybe 8 in wide on each wall). I used the same tile as the rest of the shower so that it blends in and doesn’t stick out. It was a rec by my contractor when designing the shower, and is perfect for shaving my legs. It’s also big enough to fit a bottle or two of my face cream.

      I also put an insert in the wall where most of my shampoo, etc is stored – again, same tile as the rest of the shower, but no need to buy extra storage items that look odd/cheap.

    4. We have a built in tiled niche for bottles and a tiled corner seat and they are easy to clean/good for storage. We did river rock tile in a shower once and I didn’t like it. The texture/uneveness made it pretty uncomfortable to stand on. I love our handheld sprayer with a long hose. It’s great for washing kids/dogs.

      1. A long tiled niche is your friend here. Or we have one bathroom that has a high window (like starting at 5′ up, no privacy concerns) and we use the windowsill for bottles there.

      2. Pro tip, though: The niche with maybe fancy contrasting tile looks awesome when it is empty, but when it has all your shampoo and stuff in it it looks less awesome. If I had it to do over again I’d put the niche somewhere that it’s not super visible.

        Also along the same vein as the windowsill, I’m starting to think about a bathroom remodel and I’m seeing people forego the niches and just build in a shelf or ledge the length of the shower, which I think looks great. Like this: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/561401909796949364/

        Finally, counterpoint: We have river rock tile in our master bath and I love it. It’s like a foot massage!

        1. Oh, and I thought body jets in the shower were silly until I moved into my husband’s house and he had them. Turns out they are divine.

    6. Pebbled or stone slab floors feel super luxe to me. Although I also think that they are fashionable enough to be dated in a decade.

    7. A niche in the wall, fewer bottles, a corner shaving ledge, and two shower heads, one hand held. The second shower head is awesome for cleaning the shower and for rinsing off your feet or kids or pets or any of a million other things.

    8. Cabinets! I think one shampoo and conditioner per shower is sufficient. How many people and hair types are you sharing with?

    9. Our master suite came with 2 walk-in closets, a reach-in closet, and bathtub, but no shower. My husband and I turned one of the walk-in closets into a walk-in shower. We have a large tiled bench with radiant heating along one wall. The other wall has 4 jets and a shower wand. We have a 16″ diameter rain head in the ceiling. If we did it over, the only change we would make would be to replace the wall jets with a second shower wand. We never use the jets, but when we are showering together, or with the kid, everyone fights over the wand.

      Shampoo bottles are in a couple of tiled niches in the wall, but we only have 4-5 bottles, including the kid’s shampoo. If I had a lot, I think my preference would be a windowsill.

    10. We’re building a house right now and putting in a large double shower. We’re putting in a full length ledge across the back and I had our contractor make it 6″ deep. It will be tiled with the same wall tile, with a stone slab to top it off (probably the same as the threshold slab). I very much prefer the look of a ledge vs a niche. I debated quite a bit on a built in bench and ultimately decided to forgo the bench and just put in a teak freestanding one that can be moved. The bench is going to be hidden behind a half wall anyway, and I wanted the freedom to move it in case more space is needed for a wheelchair or something in the future. We’re going to do two shower heads directly across from each other and then one shower wand. Handles to turn on the nozzles are going by the entrance so the water can heat up before we get in. We’re doing flat pebble tile in a cool white/grey/blue pallet and long skinny blue subway tile on the bottom half of the walls (to the top of the ledge) and long skinny white subway tile on the top, all in a stacked pattern.

    11. Decant your half-gallon-sized shampoo bottles into normal-sized, more attractive, matching bottles.
      Your shampoo niche can have two levels, so it’s, say, 12″ wide and 24″ tall, with a shelf in the middle. A properly-tiled niche does not get very scummy because it is slightly tilted so that water will drain out. Also, your handheld shower head will make it easy to clean.

      1. Ha plainly I should have read the whole thread before posting this same idea.

    13. Be minimalist and use one or two bottles til they’re used up, then go to the next one.

    14. Our shower has three large tiled niches to store bottles, and I made sure they were tall enough for the jumbo sized bottles.

      I also love our two shower heads — one is fixed and the other is handheld/removable (water can be shifted from one to the other, or both) which is so convenient for rinsing dogs, kids, the shower itself, or bulky items. Highly recommend.

      Our shower can be turned on without having to stand in the water stream, so you never get cold water blasting you. Make sure to put the handle somewhere you can reach from outside if you like your shower to warm up before jumping in!

    15. I have remodeled three bathrooms in two different houses. Niches are at the top of my list for shower surrounds every time. I have two niches, one high and one low, kind of diagonal from each other. They were not pre-fab. I had the tile guy build them to my specs. Basically they are recessed into the wall so are limited by the wall width minus, but they can be pretty big in length and height. Mine are big enough for 1-2 of the big shampoo bottles plus a soap tray, but I don’t like how that looks. Most commonly I use a smaller bottle and refil it from the giant size, which I keep in a cupboard.

    16. Definitely a bench if you have the room and LARGE shelving nooks, not those dinky little things contractors try to install.

    17. No other advice, but just wanted to tell you that I am like you and also have more bottle than others here – I shampoo 1 conditioner and that’s it? Does your spouse use the same stuff? Ha no way! I have purple color depositing shampoo to keep my blonde from yellowing, Olaplex Step 3, a ketoconozale medicated shampoo for my scalp issues, a regular conditioner. I probably have about 5 bottles and that’s just my stuff. Spouse gets his own.

  8. I know there was some talk last week about using Buffs as masks when you’re exercising (either here or on the mom’s site). A study just came out showing that buffs are not only not effective, but they may actually spread the virus more due to their fabric structure and ability to fling large particles. That’s obviously a bad idea when you’re running/biking/breathing hard. Please consider wearing a real mask while you work out!

    1. Ugh, this is a big bummer.

      I’m one of the people who wears a buff/buff-like gaitor around their neck while out for a run or bike ride and pulls it up only if coming into proximity with others (note: this is rare, but i’m trying to be responsible just in case).

      Looks like the treadmill and I will be besties. (Note that while I could run with a regular mask, the length of my runs make face chafing a possibility. I guess I could carry one on my wrist and just put it on if someone is near… )

      1. I hike a lot and I put a mask on when I see people 50 feet away. It’s worked fine and isn’t as uncomfortable as I thought. However, I also make sure to go to the least crowded areas too.

          1. That seems unlikely to me. We have singletrack trails here and if a runner is bearing down on me breathing heavily without a mask, I don’t think the fact that we’re outside is going to save me. I try to move aside as much as I can (sadly, not one runner ever has for me), but it’s not possible to get a full six-feet-plus on many trails here because of steepness. I believe the risk IS low outside with adequate distance, but less than adequate distance with one person breathing heavily without a mask? That doesn’t make sense from a common-sense perspective.

          2. Tbh I think it’s a respect issue. If I’m running past you and I’m 5-6 feet away, then we’re almost certainly not infecting each other. But I pull up my (not fleece!) gaiter anyway out of respect for the comfort of others.

          5. We don’t know that it’s “not a thing” in the circumstances described above. Fortunately, it seems to be “not a thing” when walking or sitting near people outside.

          6. Uh no, runners and bikers create cones of respiratory secretions. We don’t want to be breathing each other’s cones.

          7. If you are running next to someone or close to someone for an extended period of time, I think masks make sense but I really do not get the concern for chance passing when moving in opposite directions. It’s certainly not zero risk but being outside and walking/running past someone seems incredibly low risk

      2. Can’t you just run massless? The point is a buff is worse than nothing, not that you need to be wearing a mask when exercising outdoors.

    2. Can you please post a link to the study? I don’t use a buff but my boyfriend, who has a hard time breathing in masks, has been considering one and I would love to look at the details. Thanks!

    3. Did the study address what material the buff was made of? Are there any good solutions for masks to wear while running? A regular cotton mask would be drenched with sweat a few miles into a run and even if I dealt with that issue, I’ve yet to find a tight fitting mask that would stay in place while working out. Every article I’ve seen reviewing masks for running either lists masks that are totally sold out or are clearly written by people who don’t exercise because they suggest options that wouldn’t work it you’re really working out. Solutions welcome.

      2. Have you tried the Adidas masks? I haven’t tried running in them yet, but have found them useful for walking outside in the SEUS where it is humid and 95 degrees +.

        1. Wow, I tried the adidas masks in a super hot & humid day just to go walk down the block, and I was miserable! Also set off my rosacea really badly. I have the under armor mask on order and hoping it is more breathable.

      3. Yes, the buffs made from fleece material are the ones that are very ineffective, but someone pointed out that there are cotton buffs that work a bit better.

        1. What’s the evidence for that? All I’ve ever read is that single-layer, ill-fitting, loose-weave is not effective. Are there double-layer tight-weave cotton Buffs that ensure a tight fit?

      4. I sewed a double layer mask out of an old athletic fabric t-shirt (I used a pattern for the type that has the seam down the front, rather than pleats) and it is so much better than cotton masks for exercise because it’s lighter and dries faster. Some friends of mine also like KN95s for exercise because they stick out a bit from your face, which makes it easier to breathe.

      5. Yeah, I’ve basically been relying on “I’m not going to infect anyone in five seconds while ten feet apart outside”. I realize that this is apparently perfectly doable for most people, but I have asthma and I can’t breathe through wet fabric. One layer of tech fabric is about the most I’ve been able to do and still breathe.

        1. Same. And according to comments above, I’ve apparently been breathing a lot of other people’s “respiratory cones” (ew) since March and I’m perfectly fine so I’m happy with my approach. No one wears masks outside where I live — we do our best to move out of each other’s way when passing and that seems sufficient.

    4. I wonder about the effectiveness of the Jason Wu masks. I love mine and they are comfortable, but I don’t feel like they seem that effective. On the other hand, still COVID-free so what do I know?

      2. Right? Still Covid-free here and I think that even sans mask I don’t spend a lot of time with anyone close to my face now (other than in-house family). I go to the store and doctor appointments, all masked. 2 negative tests and 1 negative antibody tests. I think if I encountered sick people, distance + mutual masks + insignificant time together has worked. And hand washing / sanitizing.

        If you are closed to many other people inside for long periods of time, I think a real mask like what doctors wear is probably needed, but I don’t want to hoard the good masks when my contacts are fleeting with the outside world.

      4. I have multiple sets of these masks and have never worried about effectiveness. There are 3 layers. That seems sufficient to me.

          1. So maybe with the buffs it was one layer tested (as opposed to doubling and then doubling again). I know that the building trades have gone with buffs (and my kids use them, too). I see some buff-type ones that are made of heavier material (buffs and buff clones come in a variety of materials). My youngest kid has trouble with masks slipping down, so I guess if needed we could use a buff to hold a mask in place (like if we were on a plane vs checking in at our swimming pool). I have a winter-weight balaklava that I think is probably good for in the winter as a filter but too much for the heat + humidity now.

      5. Why would these not work? They’re three layer cotton masks, which is what’s recommended by all the experts for homemade masks. Short of a surgical mask or N95, I’m not sure what would be better.

    5. Working out in gyms or outdoors? I still don’t think a mask is needed unless you are crowded and outdoors.

      1. Agree. No one wears masks outside where I live (it’s too damn hot and humid) and cases are low.

    6. It was only fleece gaiters that had this problem. No one is wearing fleece right now, at least not in my area.

      1. No, it says “Neck fleeces, also called gaiter masks and often used by runners, were the least effective.” It seems to use “fleece” as shorthand for “gaiter,” not as a reference to the material. FWIW, Buff (the company) does not recommend using their gaiters as masks.

        1. Nope, it’s talking about the material fleece, it’s not using fleece as a synonym for gaiter (gaiters come in lots of other materials). The very next sentence after the one you quote is – “In fact, wearing a fleece mask resulted in a higher number of respiratory droplets because the material seemed to break down larger droplets into smaller particles that are more easily carried away with air.”

          1. It’s still not super clear, but in any case, the gaiter was considered ineffective. Fleece may have made it downright dangerous, but there is no evidence at all that gaiters (in any material) work.

          2. I don’t see why they wouldn’t work in any material. Like is it a layers issue? A fabric issue? Because my 3-layer cotton mask lets enough air escape through the nose area that I think that snugger-fitting buff-type face coverings can’t be that bad. Like this data, especially with the muddling of the word fleece, is not helpful.

          3. Yes! That is completely different from what the original comment stated. I have a buff which I do not wear because it slides down my hair, but it is not fleece. The issue is with the material not the physical design of the product.

    7. I wish the study had provided the actual sources. The gaiter in question is referred to as “fleece”, and is presumably single-ply. Buff calls their normal fabric microfiber, which isn’t the same thing (although microfleece would fall into that category). Doubling it up might help?

        1. No one says to use masks or gaiters for medical effectiveness. But we’re all using them to contain / filter our outgoing breath. I think that N-95s can say use them for medical effectiveness as a mask. Everyone else is trying not to get sued for trying to help in a pandemic.

    8. Now I’m glad those running buffs I bought back in May didn’t pan out, and I was able to get those shiny athletic masks from Sculpthouse Boutique instead. Definitely worth checking out, you can also get them directly from Heroine Sport but the pricing is about the same, only difference is Sculpthouse just has the 3-packs.

    9. Yeah it’s just not that hard to wear a mask. Find a place to run where no people go if you want to exercise without one on at all times, but otherwise, we need to end this pandemic and finding ways to justify wearing something ineffective like a Buff (or a poorly fitting bandanna like that one poster was intent on) is just going to make it worse. Wear a double or triple layer cotton mask, please, and we’ll do the same for you.

      1. It is honestly wonderful that you can breathe through three layers of wet cotton! But not all of us can. I stay at least six feet away from people and I’m outside, and not wearing a mask during that is okay by my area’s lockdown orders.

        1. This is the first year in forever where I’ve had breathing issues and I swear it is because of mask-wearing. I live in the suburbs in the SEUS, so avoiding people on sidewalks is easily do-able and I mask inside only where I have to. Even an hour a day of mask-wearing has made it hard to breathe and I’m rotating through various allergy / steriod / sinus things to see what works, along with allergy shots. The breathing thing is scary in case I do come down with it.

        2. It’s the “it’s not that hard just do this” attitude of a lot of suggestions around here. It’s just not that helpful to say super obvious things aren’t that hard. Everyone wants to run outside, the shaded river trails are full of people who ::guess what:: had that exact same idea. If it was so easy to stay away from everyone and go run outside by yourself, it wouldn’t be an issue and your “advice” isn’t novel or helpful.

          1. There’s an important difference between “simple” and “easy”. The solution is simple – wear a mask all the time or make sure you’re never within a hundred feet of another human being – but implementing it is not easy.

          2. Yes, that’s a good distinction to make! We have to wear masks, it’s that simple. But just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s not hard sometimes.

            I have to remind people of that distinction in weight loss communities too, like yes CICO is *simple* but it can also be difficult sometimes.

        1. Why not? I do it and I live in a non-pedestrian-friendly suburb. It’s not my first choice of running locations, but the flat running path directly behind my house gets too crowded and I’ve had to compromise. What works well is finding a residential neighborhood with no sidewalks, but wide streets. There are few pedestrians and low car traffic, which makes it possible to run with 15+ feet of distance at a minimum.

          1. Because everyone is trying to run outside, the running trails are full of people – I’m not talking about non-pedestraian-friendly suburbs. I’m talking about cities full of young relatively fit people who are all trying to exercise outdoors and there’s not that many running trails that are empty. In any case, my lol is really at these suggestions that are super obvious and if it were that easy/accessible, it wouldn’t be an issue. Running with a mask on in heat and humidity is difficult so “it’s just not that hard to run with a mask on” is just a silly. Running without a mask with no one else around is also super obvious – so if she’s trying to run with a mask on it probably means it’s NOT easy to find a place to run where no one else is around.

        2. But that’s not actually a laughable idea for many people, just fyi. I totally understand it might not be possible where you live, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible everywhere or even most places.

        4. I live in the downtown core of a major metropolis, I run 35-40 miles a week,and I definitely can find places where no one is, which is where I run without a mask. It is easier if I have access to my car to drive to some of the locations (which I do 1-2 times a week), but if not, I know the streets and times to go running that I can start my jog in the core and find my areas that are empty.

          It sucks all of my nice running routes have been taken over by others bur I’m just glad I can still run at all.

      3. Ehhh I beg to differ on your :it’s not that hard” bit. To be honest, I’m still a novice runner so that probably plays into it, but when I’ve run with just a regular cotton mask on, it’s not only been super hot and sweaty, but I did feel like it was tough to breathe with it on, it was coming into my mouth with every inhale. I felt light-headed for a while after that run.

        I agree that masks are important and we should wear them, and sometimes we say “it’s not that hard” when we need people to just suck it up and do what they gotta do regardless of their reluctance, but in this case, I think we do need to admit that it’s a little hard for some people.

        1. Yeah, I posted a bit quickly and will admit it IS hard to wear one while exercising. I meant more in general – I’m just frustrated with my boss who insisted “it’s too hard to focus on work while wearing a mask” and on my friend who says it’s “uncomfortable” but won’t try other brands, etc. I let those types of complaints color my response too much. I do agree that exercising vigorously is not as comfortable and it can be hard (depending on where you live) to find options that allow for truly adequate spacing so you don’t have to wear a mask at all times.

          1. I think having to spend long periods of time with your face covered has meant a rough period of adjustment for a lot of people. Sure, some people like doctors, marines, and furries are used to it, but was I? Heck no! I’ve leaned into it and I have purchased a whole bunch of cute masks, but it’s still a little weird to have it on, especially when I’ve run and errand and I’m hauling the loot up a hill to my apartment when it’s hot as heck out.

            When people say “it’s hard” as an excuse not to wear one, that is frustrating, and I don’t think anyone should get a free pass to do whatever they want just because following the rules is hard for them, but I also think we need to stop dismissing people when they say something is hard. A lot of our current situation is hard. It’s necessary and we gotta do it anyway, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard.

          2. hey, thanks for your comment! I have fairly busy trails where I run, even though I try to go early in the morning. I have been able to wfh, so I think it’s unlikely that I am endangering anyone, especially when running past for 10 seconds, usually at 10ft apart or more. I have started to carry a mask to press against my face for the brief moment of passing someone. I find it significantly harder to get air during these 30s blocks of time, although I sometimes slow my run also to deal with it. I could definitely not run with a mask on the whole time. Due to the factors I mentioned, I see putting the mask on more as a token gesture of politeness, but we are all doing our best.

        2. This. I actually have a very difficult time breathing in a mask even walking. No way I could run in a mask. After a trip indoors (e.g., grocery store run) wearing a mask, I need a solid ten minutes to sit and catch my breath. I’m pregnant which definitely plays into it but I’m also a pretty fit person (I cycle 5 days a week) so can’t imagine I’m alone here.

          1. Same here. 20 minutes in the grocery store + walking (slowly!) across the parking lot is enough to make me sweat profusely under my mask. It’s disgusting and I can’t imagine it’s very good for me.

        3. I’m 100% certain it’s all in my head, but I get really bad chest pain after about 15 minutes of exercise with a mask on. I have also started to black out. I have no psychological anxieties about masks, but my body obviously doesn’t choose to breathe normally when one is on my face!

          2. Not mask-related but, I get anxiety without consciously/intellectually being worried about anything — it’s weird but it’s definitely anxiety and responds to treatment. Maybe reasoning with yourself won’t help if it’s seemingly not mental, but maybe exercises or medicine would help.

          3. I just mean seeing black, not passing out cold. It’s not that abnormal for my vision to black out while exercising; it just usually takes longer than 15 minutes and more exercise than “walking” to get to that point.

          4. Is it really normal to see black when exercising? This has only ever happened to me once, when running on a super hot day. I would be pretty worried if it happened regularly.

          5. It is super abnormal and worrying for your vision to go black after a brief period of exercise. There are serious neurologic/vascular abnormalities that could cause this and you need to see a doctor right away.

        5. Agreed. It’s just not helpful to hear “it’s just not that hard.” It really just means “it’s not that hard FOR ME”

          1. No, actually it is helpful because it indicates to you that your reaction is not normal and you should figure out how to modify it to a more reasonable state.

          2. Your reaction when you see one person say “this is hard for me” and another person say “this is easy for me” is that the one who thinks it’s hard needs to modify their abnormal reaction? Does this apply to most things in life, or just mask-wearing?

  9. My boyfriend and I are moving in together in September and have started to discuss how we want to split up chores in detail (as opposed to our preexisting general agreement that we would split them 50-50). I remember there being a list somewhere of all the work that goes in to running a house a few years ago, when one of the articles about emotional label came out. Does anyone remember where that was? Or have other suggestions on how to think of all the chores involved in life?

    1. I would make a list of all the chores that have to get done (weekly, monthly, etc) and then decide who will do what together. I originally just did this in the notepad on my iphone and shared it with him (w our initials next to each task). My husband didn’t realize how much more I was doing until we wrote it out in a list and he could actually see it.

      For example, he handles all things cat litter (scooping, changing, buying it), dishes (after dinner, emptying dishwasher), cleaning bathrooms, outdoor chores (mowing lawn, etc.) and most finances. I manage the rest of the cleaning (dusting, vacuuming, kitchen), cat food (buying, feeding), food shopping and cooking (dinner), making bed/washing sheets, and laundry (he does fold some of his laundry, sometimes). We split chores based on things we enjoy doing and/or prioritize. (e.g. he hates cooking and I love grocery shopping; I hate cleaning bathrooms and he doesn’t really mind; he doesn’t see need to dust weekly…and I do). I also handle a lot of our emotional labor (gifts, cards, doctor/vet visits, making plans with family/friends) because I’m better at it and it’s more important to me. Another important note is to let them do their assigned chores without nagging or critiquing how they’re doing it (this was very hard habit for me to break as Type A…)

      I definitely do more – but we’re probably 60/40, which is tolerable. I’m expecting a baby any day now so I’m sure child responsibility will throw a whole new dynamic to sharing chores…

      1. totally agree that it was hard to not butt in with the way DH does his chores. But it’s essential to let go. And after a while, it is completely freeing to not keep track of these things.
        Another tip is to not be shackled by those universal lists of household chores or skills. What matters to you two? That’s important. When we discussed how to split chores, DH was wary of taking on laundry. It turns out he was worried that he couldn’t satisfy my standards because he had never learned how to properly separate colors. I told him I haven’t separated colors in my laundry ever since moving out of my parents’ house. We only wash the car when parents visit. I have a very limited repertoire when it comes to cooking meat, so no Sunday roast. Works for DH and me.

    2. Hire a house cleaner! Okay, that’s a little flip. But I will say, my husband and I lived together for 10 years before finally hiring one when we had our first child, and in retrospect the amount of money it is vs what we could’ve saved in emotional resentment and battles….easy to say in hindsight, but probably would’ve been worth it. Ours only comes once every 3 weeks to help with the budget and even that infrequency with kids is still such a difference.

      (Obviously there are other chores to split beyond the scope of this, a list of which I don’t have).

      Good luck!

      1. Yes! The amount we pay a housecleaner is so worth it to never have to make chore lists, think about seasonal deep cleaning, discuss or take up mental space to have resentment about the equal share of chores, etc. I would give up all dining out before giving up our house cleaner.

      2. +1000 of course it’s not financially feasible for everyone, but I wish we had hired a house cleaner years before we actually did. I also asked my husband to do the emotional labor of finding the cleaner, coordinating schedules with her, etc. etc. and that has been as helpful as the cleaning service itself. In terms of overall household labor it probably reduced my husband’s more than mine, but it’s so nice to never have to talk about cleaning that I honestly don’t care.

    3. I recommend reading The Second Shift. Both of you, read and discuss. But I’ll give you the two bits of advice I got from reading it:

      Make sure you’re both taking on some of the daily, mundane, “pain in the butt” tasks. Too often, women get stuck with these while their partners put in their time doing the “man tasks” that only need to be done occasionally and can usually be put off a bit. It’s not nearly as fair as some people make it sound.

      Also, make sure that you both have relatively equal amounts of leisure time, that tends to get overlooked.

    4. Both of you could keep a list of every chore that you do in 2-3 weeks, and then discuss. Add in things like renewing auto tabs, taking car for oil change, paying bills, planning meals, planning trips.

      This quiz was posted on the corpmoms last week. Both people/partners taking it might illuminate areas to discuss and open communication about the heavy load of those partners (usually women) who carry the emotional labor of keeping the household running. https://quiz.thirdshift.co.uk/

      1. This quiz is fascinating. I filled it out based on a relationship I recently left and even though it doesn’t get into a lot of detail, it highlights what I had suspected in the relationship, which is that I was doing the vast majority of the work. I’ve been surprised over and over to find how much less work I’m doing as a single person living alone and how much higher my quality of life is. I clean things and they stay clean, I buy things and they are there when I want to use them (not broken or consumed or thrown away), I do all the work I was doing before but without having to try to coordinate and follow up with someone who wasn’t pulling their own weight.

  10. Anyone here have a semi-inground pool? We’re thinking ahead to next summer and an inground is way beyond our budget. I’m optimistic about a semi-inground based on the local installers and vendors I’ve talked to and the Googling I’ve done, but would love to hear from someone who actually has one. Anything you’d tell someone new to the process?

    *Disclaimer: yes, we know we’re not going to get our money back out of the project/there are liability considerations/etc. We do want a pool, not looking for pro/con on that specific decision.

    1. My aunt has an above ground pool that is dug into the ground about halfwayish which I assume is what semi-inground means (it’s dug into a slope) and has a deck and landscaping around it. It actually looks very nice.

  11. Y’all I’m in love with Athleta. They have a great selection of sports bras and tops that are actually pretty like all the Lulemon tops but also fit a larger chest.

    1. Same! Just got new running shorts from them and dare I say they are super flattering? From a lady with a big butt and big legs :)

  12. I need to buy personalized return address labels (always seem to get these for free from charitable donations…but have run out for the first time in my adult life!). Any stationery company recs?

    2. I just got a self-inking custom return address stamp from Expressionery. So far happy with it!

      1. That’s what we have. I got ours from Zazzle. Much less fussy than labels.

      1. I just made a shutterfly account to order something else and they immediately added a free set of address labels to my account. Right now they’re only $6 anyway, and they have so many coupon codes you can probably get them even cheaper.

    4. You can also buy label sheets from the office supply store and print them yourself – Word has built-in templates and Avery has a website-based template program that works well.

  13. Thanks, this helps! Yeah, I’m starting to realize that although the rent issue is the urgent issue, where we should probably start is with the conversation about sharing finances and opening a joint bank account. I’m fully on team share everything, I think it’s just hard to be the person that brings less income to that.

    1. I don’t think it’s hard – couples with unequal incomes do it all the time. The problem is he has bought into societal expectations that the male is the primary wage earner. I would want to discuss those sexist notions and get them out of the way, because this issue will arise again if you don’t address it.

      1. THIS. In a rational world it should be a good thing to bring a lot of money into the relationship, but if you’re not careful you can find yourself in a relationship where you get relationship demerits for being the high earner because it hurts the mans feelers. That’s how it was in my last marriage and ugh… it’s no fun.

        1. Agree. I’ve been the high earner in every relationship, and it’s no fun to be with someone you can’t celebrate your success with, but instead have to walk on eggshells in order to not hurt the man’s feelings.

    2. Just keep the conversation focused on the fact that sharing ‘equally’ means sharing an equal proportion/percentage of your income not a finite dollar amount as incomes will fluctuate over the length of your marriage.

    3. I just think finances are super emotionally charged for many people (*raises hand*). I have a lot of weird complexes about money.

      My husband and I did a prenup largely because we both had significant premarital assets, but it was actually a hugely helpful process to go through to think about what we wanted our marriage to mean financially. Even if you don’t ever prep the document, going through one of the online guides to writing a prenup can really help you think it through. It wasn’t easy. There were tears. But we got through it and are stronger for it. (Hat tip to SA… The only way out is through!)

      1. That makes a lot of sense. I always say everyone who is married has a prenup, but some couples got to pick the terms they want. Everyone else just has to deal with state laws.

  14. Vegetarian recipes where dairy is an accessory rather than a feature? After 5 months of cooking, I’m bored. Husband is veggie, son and I are omnivorous but both dairy-free. I need some inspiration!

    1. Vegetarian recipes where dairy is an accessory rather than a feature? After 5 months of cooking, I’m bored. Husband is veggie, son and I are omnivorous but both dairy-free. I need some inspiration!

    2. I sauté onions and zucchini, then adding tomatoes and white beans, finally stirring in some basil. This is the base of basically 75% of my meals every summer. I can eat this alone hot, cold, or tossed with pasta or quinoa. If you limit the salt and add a salty cheese (like parm), it’s great with pasta. You can also toss with fresh mozzarella or feta, with or without the beans. Substitute rosemary for the basil. Or add in fresh corn!

      I never want to eat anything else. I want it to be July/August forever. Sigh.

      2. You might try your variation with fresh corn, substituting sliced okra for the zucchini, no beans. It’s a side dish we make a lot in summer, and it’s delicious.

    3. I might look for vegan recipes and then potentially add meat for you and your son. That said, I’ve been loving fresh bruschetta (I use Delish’s recipe and add 1 diced shallot), corn and black bean salad, and quinoa based salad/bowls. Check out Budget Bytes vegan recipes. I recently made the Mushroom and Spinach Pasta with Ricotta, I would recommend it and the Ricotta goes on last. (sub butter for more olive oil, use Ricotta for your husband and you and son could add some chicken?)

    6. Try chinese food – we have a cookbook called ‘Every Grain of Rice’ by Fushia Dunlop (available in the UK, not sure about US). As dairy is not a core ingredient the recipes are very easy to adapt adding in Tofu or nuts, and very flavoursome. This was my saviour when I had an unexpected vegan guest!

    7. Check out the blog by Vegangela. I love her red lentil stew, African stew, and rocket spread (not a meal, but great). Also try basic shakshuka (eggs in tomato sauce) and all kinds of curry dishes. I’ll put some links in another comment. We have a veggie chili recipe that my family loves, too. The people who like cheese add shredded mozzarella, the rest of us eat it vegan.

      1. Ooh, I make an African stew which is a huge favourite around here, and the rest of those recipes look great.

      2. Mmm I love mujaddara. There was a Lebanese takeout restaurant near my workplace when I was pregnant with my now 19 year old daughter, and the women who ran that place made it their business to feed “mama” extremely well. My daughter is probably 50-60% mujaddara.

    9. Have you tried all the various dals? I serve these with basmati rice and some plain yogurt on the side, some times gussied up to be raita, sometimes not.

      I live in a city with an Indian area (Indiatown?) so I tend to go to one of the markets for my dal/dry beans and the various spices, but all the basics like lentils and chickpeas, onions, ginger, garlic, and the basic spices are widely available at regular grocery stores.

      Shoutout to Bombay Spice Co in Berkeley for the other one or two Berkeley readers here. It’s a hidden gem.

    10. Samin Nosrat’s roasted vegetable and white bean salad. I buy dried cannellini beans and simmer them for an hour and half with an onion, whole head of garlic, salt, and fresh herbs (thyme, rosemary, sage, bay leaf) and roast the veggies. I don’t use the feta or bunches of fresh herbs on top of the salad (seems like too much), but to each their own. The dressing is essential, as is drizzling some of the tasty bean broth over everything.

      https://www.today.com/recipes/roasted-vegetable-white-bean-salad-recipe-t144350

    1. Philadelphian here but I just read about it. A man shot at police, so understandably they shot back. Such a shame that looting is now the response. In “protest” of…what exactly? This was hardly an “unarmed man being shot unnecessarily” situation.

      1. hmmm I think that oversimplifies by looking at this single shooting without the context of the CPD’s relationship to the Black community. The CPD is corrupt as heck (see: Laquan McDonald), and the city has been chronically underinvesting in the South Side for decades and focusing on the Loop and northern neighborhoods. I think the OP is allowed to feel this complexity and be sad.

        1. Chicago just seems so dangerous. Like rampant crime, kids getting shot, it just doesn’t ever seem to end.

          1. Yeah, I’ve never been to Chicago, but when I read things like 100 people were shot in a single weekend, it’s so saddening and scary. I know that the city is very segregated – when the South Side is erupting in violence week after week, do people living in the rest of the city even really notice?

          2. It is really isolated 99% of the time to specific neighborhoods (which is a problem in and of itself), but I live in a giant tower downtown and can tell you I do not feel unsafe even when the looting was on my block. What worries me is that businesses will start to move out because they are the ones getting destroyed and then the local economy will go into a death spiral. And yes, I’m also sad in a general sense that this is where inequality in our country has gotten to.

          3. Anon @ 12:05, I’ve lived in the city my entire life and the truth is people living in the rest of the city really don’t notice. I don’t mean to minimize it or say it’s ok, but it is so concentrated to areas that feel so far away, it feels like a different city. I see the headlines you’re talking about on national news every monday morning and it feels like they are talking about some other city. Meanwhile my neighborhood watch is 90% dedicated to lost dogs and 10% dedicated to package thefts. I don’t live on the north side either, for what that’s worth, and my north-sider family members thing my west-side neighborhood seems “dangerous”.

          4. I’ve lived in Chicago my entire life and I think that perception is really undeserved. There is definitely a violent crime issue here but on the whole its limited to isolated pockets of city blocks in specific neighborhoods.

          5. I guess I’m all over this thread, but I’m from Chicago and living in Seattle and have Opinions.

            Media coverage of cities is biased toward the worst incidents. Based on TV coverage, in March, my family thought everyone in Seattle had COVID. I was getting texts daily from friends. It was so sweet but also very different from what we were living. Folks also think we are all raving socialists. This is hilarious to me given the headquarters of Expedia, Amazon, and Starbucks are all IN THE CITY. And while I was 10 min walk away from the Occupied Protest and super affected, it was just… Not as scary as the news made it sound. Especially, to be honest, when the police left.

            This is not to say Chicago doesn’t have the highest murder rate in the country. It does. It also is a wonderful place to live most of the time if you are not brutally poor. And if you are out of the worst neighborhoods, the exceptions are more the EXASPERATION that is the legacy of machine politics, the stink on the red line, the utter dysfunction of the relationship between the teachers’ union and the mayor’s office, and the snow in April than the murder rate. Go visit! (Well, someday.) Check out the murals in Pilsen! Eat Korean-Puerto Rican fusion! Go to Montrose Beach! I promise it’s not the horror it looks like on TV.

        2. I have a kid who lives on the South Side, who works for the mayor, and one on the North Side. No amount of lack-of-investment-in-the-South-Side justifies the reaction. These are people wanting to grab iPhones and TVs and Louis Vuitton purses.

          1. LaurenB, I actually really disagree. Racism is in many cases legalized theft. But because we do it to Black people (or Native Americans), we don’t call it theft. What is over policing and being stuck in jail without bond where you can’t earn anything if not theft of wages? I’m not saying everyone should go rob stores, but the wholesale condemnation of Black folks as thieves and looters who have no possible justification pisses me off. And who cares if your kid lives on the South Side? Is he Black? Did he grow up there? Did his family have a chance to build wealth by owning and passing down a house? Which neighborhood does he live in? Don’t tell me Bridgeport counts as equal to Englewood.

          2. LaurenB, I actually really disagree. Racism is in many cases legalized theft. But because white people do it to Black people (or Native Americans), we don’t call it theft. What is over policing and being stuck in jail without bond where you can’t earn anything if not theft of wages? I’m not saying everyone should go rob stores, but the wholesale condemnation of Black folks as thieves and looters who have no possible justification makes me mad. Do you really think you understand this just because your kid lives on the South Side? Is he Black? Did he grow up there? Did you? Did his family have a chance to build wealth by owning and passing down a house? Which neighborhood does he live in? Don’t tell me Bridgeport or Hyde Park counts as equal to Englewood or Garfield Park.

            Anyway. My perspectives are informed by friends but also by the movie 13th, which has pretty much dumbfounded my Midwestern family. Might be worth a watch?

      2. Right?

        I hope that 2020 isn’t what 1968 was to a lot of cities. We all need for cities to work and thrive and I feel like people may just throw in the towel and move their businesses to random suburban office parks because between stuff like this and the coronavirus, no one wants to be in a downtown now, especially after the sun goes down.

    2. Very sad about downtown. I’m all about BLM. I am *not* all about looting Saks, Best Buy, Apple, etc. Let’s not confuse peaceful protest with thieves looking to get goodies. I like Mayor Lightfoot a lot and I want her to put the kibosh on this whole thing.

    3. Chicagoan here (in West Town). It feels really strange to wake up and hear about this on the news, like it feels so far removed from my lived experience. When looting was happening earlier this summer I felt much more affected/like it was happening in my own back yard (as if I had a yard lol). This is such a complicated issue and I fear it will only get worse with no solution.

      1. How is this complicated? Looting is a crime, the solution is these people get arrested.

        1. Yes, our country’s wildly out of control incarceration rate is definitely the answer here.

          1. Clearly, some people do need to be incarcerated. In fact, people in Chicago are blaming these types of issues on Kim Foxx’ dismissal of felony charges. If you don’t want to go to jail, you can start by not looting and rioting. Without face coverings too!!!!!

        2. It is complicated because the city is highly segregated, with decades and decades of underinvestment in infrastructure and community resources in the pre-dominantly black south side. The people that live there don’t have the economic opportunities as the north-siders do, and some form of crime is often the only way to survive. Additionally, there is a longstanding very tense, distrustful relationship between the police force and that community, understandably so, as the CPD have been demonstrably corrupt and racist for decades and “snitches get stitches” culture is REAL here. There is an immense amount of civil unrest that boils over when there are police-community clashes such as what happened last night, rightly or wrongly, and the solutions do not seem existent because the problems are so institutional and deeply entrenched.

  16. In my state, gyms, bars, music venues, and museums are still closed. Schools will not reopen.

    Now, gyms and museums are reopening for learning pods for people who need to work (which is like every working parent). (Bars and music venues might as well follow their lead.).

    I am just shaking my head — it is like if stuff is not safe, ain’t nothing safe. And if stuff is safe if done safely, let us do it safely. But this all or nothing or nothing or all approach is very Orwellian. Camps in my city, including indoor ones, have been open with safety measure in place and without incident all summer. Some of that is luck, but developing Covid-safety skills for kids is important and I hope this all shows our schools what can be done if you bother to learn and try.

    It is still crazy that a gym used as a gym is not safe no matter how safely used and yet you put kids in there with safety measure it is magically safe. And they will get some phys Ed time in the . . . same gym that grownups can’t be trusted to use safely.

    1. This isn’t the logic being used and you sound unhinged.

      Of course it would be safer if everyone was home all of the time. But people need groceries and trash pick up. So grocery stores stayed open and trash was never closed. The decision to open gyms as a place for childcare reflects that it is an essential need. It’s about priorities. Exercise outside or at home. Watch Netflix and Zoom instead of going to concerts or bars. Support the community in finding ways to help provide care for children.

      Keeping bars, gyms and concert venues closed lowers community spread so it’s safer for childcare to reopen.

      Children and families > gyms

      1. I agree with your points, but you were super rude about it, Anon at 11:12 a.m. Why the nastiness?

        1. Extreme frustration in my own community where bars and gyms are open, but zero childcare is available except for $$$$ nannies. I just can’t believe that a parent doesn’t understand that childcare is an essential need.

      2. +1 you are a parent and you don’t understand that childcare is more essential than gyms? I’m so confused.

    2. In my city, this is happening. But just for kids in K-5. I guess we just let middle schoolers fend for themselves (maybe with a stealth depo-provera shot?)? I have an older kid and a younger kid and am hoping that maybe something opens up that will be for kids who are 10-14 (vs just younger kids) otherwise, it’s helpful and yet not helpful. But what I wouldn’t give for 8 hours of worktime in a row . . . :(

        1. I think that if they are going to be home unsupervised, we have to remember that they are curious and fertile. It wouldn’t be my first choice to do this, but WFH for 12+ months starting in March 2020 wouldn’t be most parents’ first choice, either. I predict a divorce spike for marrieds and a baby spike for teens, sadly.

          1. I feel like you had a middle school experience that was very different from the rest of us! I really don’t see this happening.

          2. There were two pregnancies in my (“good” suburban) middle school in the 90’s so this is not at all a theoretical problem.

          3. The average age of first intercourse is 15-16, and that’s held steady for a while. While I don’t agree with “stealth” birth control, parents of middle schoolers should definitely be talking about sexuality/birth control, and offering it if appropriate.
            If I was in high school now, I would be bored out of my skull and have a LOT of time to plan out a rendezvous with my boyfriend.

          4. I feel like we’ve started to normalize the lowering age of puberty. It used to be normal for puberty to begin later.

          5. @Cat you realize that the majority of teen pregnancies (including older teens) are caused by adult men, right? Pregnant middle schoolers are almost always a sexual assault problem, not a curious 12 year old problem. Unfortunately that can’t be solved with an injection.

          1. I honestly don’t think that is true. Assuming it is a parent, we are allowed to make medical decisions for kids all the time, including giving them shots. Unless your tween / teen is emancipated, parents are the deciders.

          2. I strongly disagree. Birth control is different from other types of medical care. It smacks of reproductive coercion, controlling the female body, and disrespect for bodily autonomy and integrity. You can and should talk to your teens about sex and birth control, but there is no world in which I would support sneakily injecting your kid with a shot, tricking her into getting the shot at a doctor’s office, or otherwise coercing her into it. It’s no less wrong in your home than when China tricks Uighur women into getting IUDs – it’s just a matter of severity of scale.

      2. Wow I hope you are joking. What a frightening prospect to inject your middle-schooler with hormonal birth control without her consent.

        1. Lighten up people, she was making a dark joke about how middle schoolers may experiment with s*x and no one is in favor of a huge uptick in preteen/teen pregnancies…

          1. I read it as a dark joke… FWIW, I already know of 3 mistimed/unintended pregnancies during the quarantine period in young women, one of whom isn’t old enough to drive yet. In the case of the 15 year old, the kids absolutely took advantage of the fact that they were able to have lots of ‘alone time’.

  17. What curly girl method compliant conditioner do you all recommend? Trying to ease issues with frizz and breakage ideally

    1. I use the Tresemme Botanique Nourish and Replenish conditioner (the one with the coconut on the label). I don’t think all Tresemme conditioners are CG approved, so be careful to get this exact one. I have frizz issues as well, so I’m going to share my entire daily routine in case any part of it helps you! My hair is fine with 3B curls. I usually co-wash either with just the conditioner above or sometimes Cantu co-wash at the beginning of my shower. Then use the conditioner and keep it on through the rest of my shower. I use a Repear towel (spelled that way) to scrunch the excess water out of my hair while my head is upside down. Then I use Cantu curl cream, then Kinky Curly Curl Custard. Then I use another Repear towel to wet plop my hair for a couple of hours (I work from home so I can do this). Then air dry. Scrunch out the crunch using a very small amount of the Ecoslay Moonshine oil. I sleep with my hair tied up in a buff, on a silk pillowcase in case some of it falls out. I also tie my hair up in a pineapple while working out and find that preserves the curls pretty well. If my hair looks frizzy after wash day, I use a small amount of the Ecoslay Moonshine to tame the frizz.

      If you have breakage, you may have a protein/moisture imbalance. I’ve used the Ecoslay banana deep conditioner treatment a few times and find my hair is super silky after doing that!

    2. I start to sound like a broken record when this comes up, but Jessi Curl. Daily conditioning for the every third or fourth day wash, and the deep conditioning treatment when I see strands that are frizzing.

    3. I’ve been using Garnier Whole Blends Olive. It’s fantastic but is getting hard to find (could be being discontinued). My sister uses the compliant Treseme one, but my hair reacts badly to coconut so I can’t – but it’s like $4 for a huge bottle, so if you can use coconut, try that.

    4. I’m super sensitive to fragrance, so I’ve struggled to find CG-friendly products. They all reek of coconut or shea, blech.

      I liked the Jessicurl Aloeba Daily Conditioner, but I needed giant handfuls to get the knots out, and it cost a fortune. I’ve switched to Desert Essence Fragrance Free Conditioner, and really like it.

    5. I’ve been liking Not Your Mother’s Naturals curl line. I get the shampoo and conditioner from the “naturals” line at Whole Foods, and the “regular” curl cream and gel from CVS.

  18. My husband’s grandfather is turning 90 (!!!) late this month. Any ideas for something super special for him? He loves collecting stamps and baseball, but cannot hear or see well these days. We’d hoped to have a huge family get together, but…COVID. Here’s hoping we’ll get to celebrate his 100th in person instead…

    1. My grandfather just turned 90 last month. Obviously, we couldn’t have a party for him like we wanted to mark this special occasion. However, my mother organized a card party for him. She let friends and family know that we should all mail him a card. She also put a notice in the local newspaper. He received tons of cards, including from strangers, which was really sweet. He also set up zoom calls with family so he could be with his kids all across the country.

    2. Collect 90 memories for him! For both of my parent’s 60th birthdays, I collected 60 different memories from their friends/family and put them in 60 different air mail style envelopes, labeled them 1-60, and gave it to them. It was a big hit both times (luckily my mom is 6 years younger than my dad so it wasn’t fresh in her mind when we did it for her and she was still surprised). To keep it simple for people, we just sent it out with my email and address – people could mail in handwritten notes or email them in to me. It was trickier for my mom because my dad is less helpful with that kind of stuff :), whereas with my dad my mom did a lot of the requests. But my sister helped me spread the word. We also got one of her work friends to ask work colleagues, and a church friend to ask church friends. I used Canva to format them, but you could just as easily use Word. I thin you have the perfect amount of time – we sent the requests out a couple weeks in advance, and then reminded a week later.

    3. For my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary, we had stamps printed with their wedding picture on them, and a sheet of them framed for them. USPS will do any sort of custom stamps, for a fee.

    4. How about a gift that’s about his legacy in the family? For example, have a piece of art made that portrays a family recipe he makes. Then you have dishtowels made with this image on it and each of his children and grandchildren get a dishtowel that depicts his famous fried chicken or his grilled cheese. The birthday boy gets the art and sees photos of the dishtowel in all his descendants’ homes. Look on Etsy for Shanacolwesart
      I’ve seen it with a recipe, but I guess it could be a story he always tells or a saying he is known for within the family.

    5. I was just asked to send a card and photo to a family member celebrating a similar milestone. If it were a birthday dinner I don’t think I would be invited nor would I particularly want to take a 2 hour flight to celebrate (we’re not terribly close). But I was 100% on board with a small gesture to help him feel less lonely in this crappy time. I think the recipient really enjoyed getting all the cards and photos.

    6. My grandmother just turned 85 – couldn’t celebrate with her in person of course. The whole family recorded an audiobook using Zencastr – it was a HUGE hit. You could record a book or write-ups of his favorite baseball games or descriptions of stamps…Idk…

  19. I wanted to start building up some leg muscle via weightlifting but most reasonable sets are sold out and I have limited space at home. I was thinking about getting a Db method machine or Hip thruster lite. These are the two pieces of equipment I’ve researched so far but I’d consider any machine for glutes/legs with a small footprint. Have any of you tried them? Something similar? If not, have any of you found a good way to build lower body muscle outside of the gym?

    1. Basic squats and lunges do it for me. Adding a kettlebell (in various moves) can help too.

      1. +1. Kettlebells are super versatile – swings, squats, lunges, step-ups, get-ups, pull-thrus, cleans, etc. There’s also always a resale market so if you decide they aren’t for you, someone will snap them up.

    2. I would try to find a set of dumbbells before buying any of these machines. Much more versatile, less space. You can do hip thrusts with weights (even a backpack full of heavy books) off the edge of a couch, don’t need to buy a specific machine for 1-3 lift variations. Can you get a set of 20’s in person in retail? Or used on FB marketplace or letgo app? I’ve had luck buying new at target (don’t look online or trust whatever they say is in or out of stock on the website) and asking a stock person to pull them from the truck before they make it to the shelves. Friends have been able to go in person or call ahead at REI/Dicks. You can also strengthen your glutes with glute bands, same with leg muscles. Chloe Ting has a great legs and glutes video.

      1. Thanks for the tips. I’m new to this kind of exercise and didn’t realize that weighted hip thrusts could be done well without any machinery. I’ll check out the Chloe Ting video now.

        1. Chloe Ting videos use weights. Sohee Lee on instagram, if you scroll through her feed, definitely has pics and video showing how to properly do hip thrusts off the edge of a couch. I think she also shows you how to do squats wearing a backpack on your front weight down with heavy books. Other good ones for leg and glute workouts at home with limited to no equipment – briannamariefitness, oliviaostrom, gunning4fitness.

    3. Hey there, I’ve been posting under this handle for a few years now – do you mind picking another one? :)

        1. No worries! I’m not especially prolific, haha, so it’s understandable that you might have missed it.

    4. Fitness Blender has fantastic free videos on YouTube!! You can also buy very reasonably priced programs from them for all sorts of types of workouts. I’m doing the bodyweight series right now, and it requires no weights. There are at least two lower-body days every week in the 4-week program. I loved it so much that I want to do one of their programs with dumbbells, and turns out one of my friends was looking to sell her Bowflex adjustable dumbbells. So, you might be able to find some weights from private sellers if you can’t find them at any retailers. I can’t recommend Fitness Blender enough, and you definitely don’t need weights to start out.

      1. I just finished the FB Strong program which is all strength training for upper and lower body, Also abs exercises. Definitely a good one to try!

        1. This is great to know! I am in my last week of the bodyweight program and signed up for FB Sweat over the weekend because I enjoy HIIT. After that one, I’m thinking I’ll try either Strong or, if I’m feeling especially crazy, might go for FB Fit. I’ve always enjoyed lifting weights, so it’s looking like Strong could be the best choice.

    5. Fitness Blender on YouTube has lots of lower body strength exercises that use dumbells.

  20. I’m experiencing hair thinning and hair loss and am looking for advice on the board. I’ve had doctors suggest I use rogaine for men instead of rogaine for women. Can any rettes who have tried either of these tell me about their experience? Whether it made a difference, how long it took, any downsides? I’ve tried collagen, biotin, etc and had no improvement.

      1. I used Rogaine for women for about 2 bottles worth (a couple of months?). It started to help I think, but it was not a magic bullet and hard to tell if it was actually working.
        If you by any chance have curly hair and use Deva Curl branded products, it turns out my hair loss was related to those products and it started regrowing once I switched brands (there’s a large class-action lawsuit against them for the same reason). Just an FYI in case you happen to use it…

  21. Happy Monday! Some of you wanted to be kept in the loop with my wedding planning, so here are a couple of wedding party etiquette questions for the hive:

    1. I have two cousins who are sisters – they’re about 10-12 years older than me. We grew up in the same town, they both babysat me as a child, and we were pretty close until they left for college. I was a flower girl in the oldest’s wedding when I was maybe 11 (so 16 years ago), and a bridesmaid in the youngest’s a few years later. I am close-ish to the oldest, who lives in the same state but not the same city (we see each other 4-5 times a year), and not so close with the youngest who lives across the country – I haven’t seen her for at least 3 years. Do I need to have either of them in my wedding party? I have other cousins and friends with whom I’m much closer, so I am leaning towards no.

    2. I have two other cousins who are also sisters on the other side of the family. I am very close to the older one – we text weekly and she and her husband come up to see us once a year, separate from other family gatherings. I am less close to her younger sister – we all see each other twice a year at family gatherings, but I don’t talk to the younger sister between gatherings. Is it weird to ask only the older one to be a bridesmaid? If they weren’t sisters, I wouldn’t hesitate to only ask one of them, but I just don’t know if it’s bad etiquette to only ask one sister.

    Thank you all!

    2. #1. You don’t need to have them in your wedding party, but it would be nice if you could pick another way to include them. For example, could you borrow something from them to wear down the aisle (e.g. something borrowed…) or ask them to help an older family member get from the wedding to the reception? Giving the cousins a small amount of responsibility will make them feel special.
      #2. Just ask the older sister. Adult sisters have separate lives and friendships and it’s completely normal.

      1. A very dear friend of mine is about 10 years older than I am. When I was getting married she was wrangling children and job and husband finishing his degree and aging parents. I was not about to ask her to commit to something else for me. Instead, she told me to pick out the hair accessory I was going to use and let her buy it for me, since that was something she and her sisters, mom, aunts, etc. did for each other. I was so touched to be included in a tradition of hers!

    3. Just ask the people who you want with you on your wedding day to be bridesmaids.

      Show love to the other relatives in ways that make sense in your relationship. Call them to catch up. Ask them to dinner/brunch to get to know your SO (post-COVID). Have them do a reading at your wedding. Etc. No one cares as much about your wedding as you.

    4. I tend to lean towards asking who you are closest to and will be comfortable with, regardless of etiquette. You want to be having fun with your wedding party! That being said, to answer your questions:

      1. No need to have your cousins in your wedding party just because you were in theirs. Totally fine.

      2. It’s not bad etiquette, and I would go ahead and ask the cousin you are close with. There’s always a chance of some ruffled feathers as a result, but it sounds like this isn’t a situation where you’re asking every single female relative you have so it’s less likely that anyone will feel particularly singled out/left out.

      1. If I asked every single female relative, I would literally have over 15 bridesmaids! So deffffffinitely not lol. Thank you!

    5. So nice to hear an update from you! Do you have a venue yet? What about a dress? Post a link if you care to share!
      1. I don’t think you need to include them in your wedding party but I do think it would be nice to offer them a role in your wedding such as a reading (I had 2 friends share a reading of special intentions – they both read half). Of course you can’t predict the future, but I would think about who is a friend right now vs who is likely to stay in your life as you move through stages. I gave one friend a role but wish I had given that role to a different close friend.
      2. Don’t need to include both

      1. I literally have nothing lol. The only decision we have made is that we don’t feel comfortable making concrete plans at this time – we are in the Bay Area/Central Coast of CA. Most of my family will need to travel to get here, and I can’t fathom asking people to get on a plane right now. We’re thinking 2022. At some point, we might get tired of waiting and have a small ceremony and then a big party/vow renewal thing when this crap is over, but we’re just in limbo right now. So I’m basically going wild on Pinterest lol. And no dress yet – you can try on dresses here, but most salons only let you bring one other person, and I want to wait until I can bring 2 more people…until I’m tired of waiting for that too lol.

        And thank you for your thoughts! I appreciate them (and everyone else’s!).

        1. I can’t imagine trying to plan a wedding in these times – good luck!! That sounds like a good back up plan if things don’t improve but hopefully it will work out!

    6. I feel like you’re coming from a viewpoint that it would be hurtful not to be asked to be a bridesmaid. I just wanted to tell you that I am one of many people who was always relieved not to be asked!

      2. +1, being a bridesmaid is kind of a PITA. I am always way happier to just be able to show up and enjoy the ceremony and party.

        Small bridal parties are also way easier on everyone (less logistics, expense, risk of drama, etc etc).

    7. Thank you all! I need to hear this…I’m way too wrapped up in not hurting people’s feelings, but I need to realize that not everyone has feelings as big as I do about this wedding lol. Thanks again, friends :)

    8. I’m assuming if you’re getting married you’re late twenties which puts your cousins at age forty. No forty year old wants to be a bridesmaid. The considerate thing is NOT to ask them.

      2. +2. And I was a bridesmaid many times in my 20s/30s and didn’t hate it. But now? Yeah, unless you are one of my 4 very-best-soul-sister-lifelong-girlfriends who finally found the love of their lives the first or second time around and wanted me to stand up for that (although, frankly, I doubt any of them would do that format at this point), I would have zero desire.

        Multiply this by 1,000 if any of these women have kids that will be expected to be at the wedding in any capacity.

  22. I just broke the handle off a favorite ceramic mug. What is the best type of glue (brands or type) that I should use to fix this? I really want to save this mug. Thanks!

  23. Thanks to people who suggested Hex laundry detergent for smelly workout clothes. Got some this weekend and it’s kind of magical!

    1. Can confirm, Hex is awesome! It’s been my go-to detergent for well over a year now.

      1. Can you just occasionally use it for a load, or do you really need to commit to switching entirely over to it as your all-the-time detergent as their website suggests?

        2. I use it as my all-the-time detergent for most of my clothes at this point because it also works well for synthetic work clothes that trap smells (I don’t use it for linens), but I don’t see any reason that you couldn’t use it just occasionally for the really stinky stuff. I also recommend vinegar instead of fabric softener, that also helps with smells (including for linens!).

        3. I switched to Hex entirely for all synthetics that get stinky. It works so much better on synthetics than conventional detergent that I don’t know why you would bother switching back and forth between Hex and conventional detergent on those loads.

        4. I suppose you can use it occasionally. If I were a normal, house-dwelling human who had my own machines to use whenever I want, I might wash my workout clothes in Hex and my regular clothes a more standard detergent, but seeing as how we use coin-up machines that are used by the whole building, I have neither the time nor the quarters (especially nowadays) to get that fancy. Very rarely do I not have stinky athletic attire in my weekly laundry these days, so it just makes sense to use Hex as my regular detergent.

  24. Anyone have a favorite carpet stain remover that does not stain the carpet.

    My puppy (now nearly 2!) decided to barf in the middle of the night. I thought I was doing OK with removing the stain, but…apparently not. A friend recommended Folex. Any other recs?

    My carpets are beige FWIW.

    1. Resolve spray has worked well for me. We inherited a gross, stained carpet in our rental and despite my cat throwing up on it (she never does it on the hardwood portion of the house), the Resolve has prevented even worse staining.

      1. +1 for Resolve. My cats throw up all. the. time. And it works great on my white/light grey rug.

    2. The Bissell Pro pet stain destroyer has worked wonders for me. The stains literally disappear in front of your eyes.

    4. I would use the carpet cleaning fluid that comes with a handheld carpet cleaner. You definitely need a carpet cleaner to remove stains effectively.

    5. You need the Folex. It works amazingly. Also, Nature’s Miracle for other pet related accidents and incidents.

    6. Kids’n’Pets. Same concept as Nature’s Miracle but cheaper and more effective. The first time I used this, I actually “lost” the stain and had to go looking for the damp spot where I’d applied the solution 10 minutes prior.

  25. I don’t have a “real” bed/headboard and won’t be able to afford one for quite some time. I have a mattress and box spring with the metal bed rails. Is there any way I can cleanly hide the rails? I tried a few bed skirts a while back but they always looked messy even though they claimed to be the tailored kind. I have cats that go under the bed so whatever it is needs to be a bit darker in color (or just not white).

    2. One thing that I have found helps bed skirts lay better is to attach some Velcro to the rail and edge of the skirt…particularly corners and the long sides of the bed. They make bed skirt pins too, but i haven’t used those. Also, have you seen the wrap around bed skirts? I think they are sometimes called bed wraps. I looked into those at one point, they have a very tailored look.

  26. Through happenstance, my kids have aunts but not uncles. So my sister and two sisters of my husband. One sister has no kids, but the others do. We send birthday cards and presents (and for xmas). My sister never even sends a card or acknowledges that the birthdays occur. One of my SILs is the same way. The other sends a present, but I think that is because she has a kid with a birthday a month off from one of our kids, so that reminds her (for that kid, not so much the other kids). I don’t want any more kid presents in our house, but I wish I felt that the keeping in touch were less one-way (like I just sent letters to everyone with some pictures in them; I never get any reply or even a call). But with the coronavirus, we cancelled all visits this year (and may not next year as well), so now it is really bugging me that by the time we see them again, my kids may really have no idea who these people are or why they should even care.

    I was really close to my aunts and uncles growing up and one uncle has really kept it up as my aunt has declined to the point where she is not able to write anymore (early onset dementia). I really treasure all this but I feel like maybe that’s just not a thing to expect now? Like I own stationery for the sole point of writing to relatives (my friends are texters), sometimes with a picture or something else to share.

    I guess my kids and I feel really disconnected right now and I don’t know how people reconnect (the family zoom thing isn’t happening). :(

    1. It’s frustrating to have one-sided relationships and I maintain that it’s rude (not just a matter of personal preference) to not acknowledge a birthday gift. However, this is now on you to decide if you want to try keeping in touch with people who won’t reciprocate.

    2. You can’t really demand that other parties use old fashioned stationery and send printed pictures like we’re in 1975. There are more modern ways to communicate now, and if they communicate at all, whether it’s via text or email or Snapchat or on Facebook, then it’s communication.

      In terms of gifting, if someone doesn’t send you a gift then they’ve indicated that they don’t want to be on a gifting level with you, and you can stop sending them a gift. You can send a text or whatever that says Happy Birthday! but then you’re off the hook.

      One thing I want to mention about gifting is that it can be unfair for singles. My youngest sister pointed this out years ago when she was single. In this case we were talking about Christmas. She bought gifts for each of me, my husband, our sister, our sister’s husband, and our sister’s two kids. In return, she got one gift from me and my husband jointly, and one gift from our sister and her husband jointly. It really wasn’t fair. That was when we started drawing names. Now that we are older, just the sisters gift each other, no gifts to or from spouses. I give my nieces and nephews birthday gifts until they’re 18 (I have a lot of nieces and nephews) and then just a birthday greeting after that.

      Overall, if you want your kids to have a relationship with their aunts, you have to visit. Correspondence isn’t going to do it. The pandemic of course affects this, for all of us, but it’s a unique time in history and this to shall hopefully pass.

      1. No one is saying that. Adult relatives have choices to show that they want a relationship with a younger relative (or any relative). When they chose “none of the above,” I wonder why you even chose to waste time visiting them.

        This is my family (mostly) and I picked a cousin who actually interacts with my kids to be their guardian. Not a closer relative like an aunt that puts forth zero effort year after year.

      2. I hear you on reciprocation. Either you kind of acknowledge each other’s birthdays that way or you don’t. I’d switch to cards.

        FWIW, a way to make this more fair for singles — this is my family’s unspoken rules (each of my parents is from a big family so it would get crazy).
        – Nieces and nephews each get an individual gift from each other family unit until they graduate from college or turn 22, whichever is first.
        – Adult siblings with kids don’t receive gifts themselves (kids only)
        – Total expenditure by each family is roughly equal (so the family that received more gifts since they had 4 kids spent a bit more kid when giving gifts to the families that had 2 kids). Or if it was a single relative giving to a childless adult-sibling couple, they would either do a joint gift (to Cat and DH) or spend less per person to account for the fact they were buying gifts for a couple.

    3. My sister and DH’s brother are the only aunt/uncles and are long distance. We have a What’s App group with my parents and sister and one with DH’s parents and brother. It’s a bit more intimate to not have everyone in one big group and the content gears towards each family’s interests. I’m responsible for updating my family group and DH does his although I jump in as well if I have a cute video or something to share. The kids send emojis or ask to make videos telling their aunt/uncle jokes etc. This works better for us than Facetime because Facetime requires time zone calculations and schedules to line up. We Facetime for special occasions like birthdays and holidays.

    4. Do you only send letters or do you text/email/FaceTime/etc? I think you need to be willing to meet them where they are if this is important to you.

      How old are your kids? If they’re young enough that a year is enough time to forget these relatives, then they’re young enough that there will be plenty of time post-corona for those relationships to get stronger again.

      Also, I think you may need to change your expectations. Some families aren’t as close. I lived far away from all the aunts/uncles/cousins when I was growing up and I saw them only once a year. It’s not a “things aren’t as good these days” kind of thing instead of different families are just different. If you can accept that your kids might just have a different kind of family than the one you grew up in it might relieve some of this stress you’re feeling.

    5. What about doing drive by or outdoor visits if they are close? If you like snail mail, you could send them drawings from your kids or even artwork that they make from school (I always save school artwork to give to my in-laws from time to time and they love it). For kids birthdays, could you ask them to text you a video greeting that you could play back to the kids? That might be easier than trying to find a time when the kids will cooperate to talk on the phone.

  27. I just wanted to say thank you to the person who recommended the Power Zone Peloton classes a few weeks ago. I wasn’t the original poster, but took the advice and it’s been awesome! The FTP test was brutal, but it’s really built up my resistance and also makes short pushes in “normal” rides way less intimidating. Thanks!

    1. That was me. I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed Power Zone. See you on the leaderboard!

  28. Silly frivolous question (sparked by the poster above talking about her stationary). After our wedding, my husband and I got blank cards with our monogram to use for thank you notes. I still really like them and would like to keep using them when we have a need for cards, but is it silly / perhaps juvenile to keep using our wedding monogram?

    1. Not at all. We have friends who had a fabulous joint monogram designed for their wedding and they are still using it to great effect years later.

    2. Generations of Southern women say “no,” not silly, not juvenile. By all means, do it.
      There are many practices for which “Southern grandmas say so” would not be a good enough reason to continue, but this is not one.

    3. I think I might get some now, almost 2 years after my wedding, also inspired by that thread. Go for it!

    4. I have been married for nearly 20 years and am still using the leftover monogrammed cards.

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