Thursday’s Workwear Report: Soft Satin V-Neck Blouse

296 Comments

1. I am down with dressing for the weather you want rather than the weather you have. If you never leave the house, why not?

   Also, there is never a good time to leave a job, is there? I am in charge of a few big projects at work, but am closing in on a job offer that is the right next step for me. There is no one else at my current company with the skill set to take over. Not my fault—I had been asking for a direct report to train for years. If I get this offer, I just have to leave. I know that. Any tips for how not to feel guilty?

   1. Leave good notes on any open issues. Your firm did not take action on your recommendations, so I think your conscience can be clear knowing that you proposed to them conscionable action options. It is not your responsibility to hold onto their lack of foresight, they will just have to pivot / live with the consequences of their inaction.
      I also believe it’s important to give ourselves credit when we have the conviction to stand up to management and say “hey this is lacking”. You did that brave move.
      Congrats on the new role!

   2. This is maybe broader than your actual question, but my goal for this year is to free myself from guilt when I did nothing wrong. Sometimes people will be disappointed with my decisions. They are entitled to their feelings, but they are not entitled to make me manage their feelings or to take up space in my head. You are the only one looking out for your needs. You need to make the decisions that are right for you, not base your life on what is convenient for everyone else.

      1. Amen.

      2. Ah, this is GOOD.

      3. Great advice.

   3. You’re not feeling even a little bit of smug I-told-you-so? I would be in your position.

      1. I’ve been in a similar position before. There may be a moment of that, but truly it can be more stressful. There is nothing worse than working incredibly hard to set up solid systems and foster a good reputation for your product only to feel like a lot of it is likely to fall. That said, advice here is solid. You need to cut ties without guilt over anyone else’s pain. I had former coworkers trying to text me long into starting new job. And this was after 8 weeks(!) notice [I wanted my bonus] where they pushed me to get work out the door the entire time rather than any transition to anyone. I wrote detailed notes and shut the door without guilt.

   4. I don’t know but I am struggling with this too. I am discussing a move that could be a great opportunity. I haven’t even gotten that far in the process but am already feeling guilty about leaving behind all the mentors and sponsors and others that have invested so much in me, and one particular colleague who will be going out on mat leave and whom I would otherwise be covering for.

      1. Dad says to always take the new opportunity. This is a busness we are in. They would do the same thing. Look at what happened to Emma Emhoff, the VP’s daughter. As soon as Dad was elected VP, people started looking at her and signed her up for modeling contracts. It’s all business. The sooner we recognize we have to capitalize on things while we have it, the better. You do NOT want to look back and say “I shoulda, woulda and coulda but didn’t!” PTOOEY!

      2. I mean this to be helpful, not harsh, but those people wouldn’t hesitate to move on to a better job because of you. They will be disappointed but it’s okay.

2. Paging Piper Dreamers’ question yesterday; I didn’t see it until late. I don’t have specific media recommendations, but I do listen to the podcast Books and Boba, which specifically focuses on books by authors of Asian heritage. I’m pretty sure they recommend books up and down the age spectrum, so you should be able to find something there!

   1. Thank you so much! Also thank you to everyone that responded! The school called last night to say one of the kids in his classroom had covid so it was a hectic evening rearranging work schedules to ensure childcare coverage. I haven’t got a chance to go through and respond but will go back and save down the list today so we have things to do over the weekend when we wait for covid test result!

3. Anyone’s partners have experience with circumcision as an adult? My husband was supposed to have surgery right before the pandemic, and got a call that they have a spot next week. He’s never had any sort of medical procedure and is freaking out a bit.

   1. Not a partner, but a close friend had it done around 16/17. He didn’t have any issues and as a bonus, he said that ‘gardening’ was better after than before, which surprised me. Good luck to both of you!

      1. Fingers crossed. It’s something we’ve been dealing with for awhile with pretty detrimental impacts on our gardening lives and finally he saw a doctor who said that it was ridiculous, he shouldn’t have to experience pain, and made a referral.

         1. Good luck! I think you’re doing the right thing and I wish him a successful procedure and easy recovery!

            I must say I’m surprised and relieved to read this. I was given a really, really hard time when I elected to have my son circumcised after he was born in a hospital five years ago. My husband and I still feel terrible about it.

            1. Wow, who on earth was giving you a hard time about it? Someone who also judged you for br3astfeeding in public (or not doing it in public), or using formula, or letting the kid cry himself to sleep now and then, or…or…? People need to mind their own business.

               Don’t feel terrible about it.

            2. The surgeon came in and said “there is no benefit to doing this, except for your own aesthetic opinion about your son’s p3nis, and you might not like the way it looks, so keep that in mind.”

               Maybe I’m over blowing the “really, really hard time” (they did do it after all) but it was pretty upsetting to both of us, we both cried after that.

            3. We are talking about two very different scenarios here. An adult having a circumcision for medical reasons (because of pain/reduced function) vs parents electing for circumcision for an infant. One is made voluntarily, for concrete medical reasons. Another is made involuntarily, for religious or social reasons. Male circumcision is concretely much less severe and detrimental (and, in some cases, indeed beneficial) than female circumcision – which is generally aimed at function rather than just being ‘superficial’. But we should no separate the two conceptually just because of gender – both procedures involve infants having their genitals circumcised. I am personally against both as you can infer.

            4. Wow. I thought most people opted to do it?

            5. I mean. That is true. There is no medical reason for infant circumcision in the US. Idk why you’d expect a doctor to not explain that.

            6. Majority in US but that’s changing. In Canada and Europe it’s not covered under the public healthcare plans. It’s not a medically necessary procedure and it is shown to cause pain to the infant if anesthetic is not used. In those countries it’s usually only done for religious reasons so majority are not. I definitely don’t agree with people being given a hard time about it though.

            7. That’s an accurate statement by the surgeon. Informing patients when there is no medical benefit is responsibly medicine. It’s not like they refused to do the procedure and you had to find another hospital to do it.

            8. When my son was a few months old, we were at a wedding and got to chatting with an elderly urologist. Not sure how we got on the topic, but he was very strong about recommending infant circumcision, and said that having it done then would allow men to avoid a large number of the problems that he saw on them later in life. We had already had my son circ’d (my husband’s choice), but I just found that amusing and so different from the internet debates we see.

            9. Yeah, I guess they made us feel like we were monsters obsessed with our kid’s junk, but we were coming from a place where we were concerned it would be different enough to cause embarrassment or difficulty for our little guy down the road. It seemed like in our area it was absolutely the norm in my husband’s generation but is no longer quite so common. They told us less than half of parents opt to do it.

               (I suspect there were a significant number of people circumcising their sons in a a religious context outside of the hospital, but that number seemed shockingly low to us nonetheless.)

               In any event, given the surgeon’s statements, I was surprised to hear men opt for this for non- aesthetic reasons later in life.

            10. Watching an infant circumcision was one of the most traumatic experiences I had as a medical student.

                It was done in one of the “best” hospitals in the country, the way it is traditionally done. I wont even tell you details but the doctors couldn’t care less about the infant’s pain and I still remember the screams. I swore I would never do that to my child. Just because an infant cannot speak about what happens to them, or may not remember in 20 years, is not an excuse to torture them.

                If you decide to do this to your child, ask many questions about who will do the procedure exactly, exactly what is done for pain control, and then ask for more pain control. Shoot, ask if you can be in the same room to

                On a side note, an elderly family member had one as an adult due to many medical issues that did result from not being circumcised. This was a very very rare medical problem that would not be relevant to 99.99999% of the population. It was done in a surgical suite, with appropriate anesthetic, and was no big deal at all.

                Ok… now I am going to apologize for posting this.

            11. I feel like this is such a cultural thing. In mine, circumcision is treated as a very routine and normal thing. It’s not part of religious tradition. Of all the things I’ve felt mom guilt about, getting my son circumcised is not one of them.

            12. So apparently I’m a multi-cultural gardener which I had never thought about until this thread but my here is my anecdata American + Canadian both yes, Polish, Finish, and Irish all no.

            13. huh, I had no idea how common this procedure is in the US. I just looked up Germany and the UK, where only a few % of boys are circumcised, mainly for religious reasons. Couldn’t easily find numbers in other European countries, but I am assuming it’s similar. A number of countries have even had public debates about prohibiting the procedure if there is no medical reason. But so far, I think most countries continue to allow it.

            14. It seems to me the surgeon was being overbroad in saying there is no reason other than aesthetics to do it. Not that it’s a huge risk, but it does seem based on the responses here and the anon poster’s encounter with the urologist that there’s a non-zero chance of needing to have it done later in life due to a medical issue.

                I’ll be curious as to whether this eventually swings back to “oh actually we should just c most baby boys” once the current generation of un-c’d children grows up and the number of medically necessary procedures on adults increases.

            15. thats absurd. i’m jewish and everyone circumcises their sons. i have girls, but that was definitely the plan if we had boys

            16. Our pediatrician pointed out that clinical benefits of generalized male circumcision in infants are unclear, and that about half of parents decide not to circumcise their boys nowadays. That seems to track with information from the CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/circumcision_2013/circumcision_2013.htm

                We opted not to circumcise our boy – we are from a European country where this is not a standard practice. My husband was also strongly against it as he considers it mutilation especially in a non-consenting infant. I was undecided but when he pointed out we would never do surgery for purely aesthetic reasons on a daughter, I agreed.

                Hygiene is also not an argument, because keeping private parts clean is part of hygiene training anyways.

                I have had partners with both “features”, and honestly I can not remember any differences.

            17. I’m actually glad the surgeon was honest with you. I’m sorry you feel bad about it but it’s the truth.

            18. In Denmark there has been a lot of debate about child circumcision – female has been prohibited for a long time, males not yet. Any debate on it leads to a huge outcry from religious orders because of “special”. So we continue to allow parents to mutilate their children without cause.
                There is estimated 1-2000 male circumcisions a year, and unless there is a medical reason, it has to be done in private practice (that is, paid for by the parents as opposed to medically necessary surgeries that are covered by the government), and done by a licensed doctor.

            19. Norway here for more European data:male infant c is extremely rare and only done as a religious ritual. (Female is prohibited by law and considered genital mutilation).
                Male infant c in healthy infants is very rare and ill thought of by the general population, and there is a separate law protecting the infants with strict demands of the doctor etc. Medical issues like tight foreskin etc is wholly different.

                Some years ago a news article pointed out that at one of the country’s biggest hospitals, 13 of the 15 urologists wholly opted out. The best numbers I found was about 50 cs every 6 months total in the country, less than a half percent of boys born in a year. (Mostly Muslim I assume, since there are only 800 members total in the Jewish congregations).

            20. Re; the urologist. That’s what we call confirmation bias. He only sees people who are having trouble. People who aren’t having trouble don’t come to see him.

                Problems with the foreskin are rare enough that we can leave infants intact and let them decide whether they want the surgery later in life, as adults, for cosmetic reasons.

                Preemptively removing the foreskin because in rare cases it may cause complications later in life (like OP’s husband) is like preemptively removing everyone’s appendix or tonsils. We don’t do that anymore because we thought about it in a scientific manner and decided it didn’t need to be routinely done, and any problems with these body parts could be dealt with if and when it became a problem. It’s the same with circumcision.

      2. I laughed at this and point taken. But if gardening doesn’t get better than it was before ages 16-17, those early experiences were uncommon . . . .

         1. Haha, now I’m reading it your way too. :) But he was definitely comparing right before the procedure to right after. Or, however long after he had to wait.

   2. Yes! My ex did. We had also had problems with gardening. There was a normal healing period, no complications. Good luck!

      1. My ex had it done at 28. Some pain with healing, but nothing unusual, and our gardening life got better after that. It will be fine!

   3. Wow. I truly do not consider my son, or my husband, or every partner I’ve ever had, to be “mutilated.”

      I think this was unnecessarily cruel and hurtful, and I think you meant it be. I can promise you there is a real human being at the other end of the computer, which should have been evident by the fact that I revealed I was experiencing guilt and shame in the first place. I really hope you feel powerful and righteous right now, after kicking someone who felt down.

      1. Lilau, facts are facts. You would have learned the same if you’d researched it ahead of time. It’s an elective cosmetic procedure with no demonstrated health benefit.

         1. How is calling a culturally accepted cosmetic procedure “mutilation” a fact?

            I’m willing to accept everything else you’re saying, but that was uncalled for.

            1. The infant has no choice. That’s why people call it mutilation.

            2. And I’m not the poster who used that word.

            3. What we call female genital mutilation IS a culturally accepted cosmetic procedure in certain regions. Foot binding was a culturally accepted cosmetic procedure in China for a long time. These kinds of discussions are tough when a decision that you can’t undo even if you wanted to, is dissected and harshly criticized with arguments that you didn’t have at the time when you made a decision. But ‘everybody does it’ isn’t a great reason to keep doing something.

            4. You cried when the doctor told you a neutral fact, I don’t think I believe that you’re willing to accept everything else.

      2. There is no reason to feel guilt and shame. This debate is old as time, and we make what we think are the best decisions for our children, despite what others may think. I have three boys, and although I was leaning towards not circumcising, my husband was adamant about having it done. So we did (because I trust his judgment, and because he has boy equipment and I don’t) and they are all heathy and happy boys. I hope you can find peace with your decision.

      3. It’s interesting to me that you chose to do it because you thought your son would be embarrassed down the road if he was different when the doctor told you less than half of parents do it.

4. Yesterday I got a refund from a cancelled conference – I thought about all the great things I could do with it and then spent it on picture frames.
   If this is being an adult I don’t like it.

   1. wait… framing stuff isn’t a great thing to do with money?? (I find it very satisfying to actually get meaningful stuff finally onto the wall!)

      1. Oh it’s totally a great thing to do with the money – but it’s much less exciting than going and spending a weekend talking about books with writer friends!

   2. One of the great things about being an adult is that you can afford to have things on your walls in nice frames.

   3. I spent five figures on a new driveway this past summer, least fun adulting since the new roof. At least I don’t need to use Google Earth to see the driveway…

      1. I have similar feelings about the extensive drain work I’m planning to do this spring. A problem hidden in concrete that will continue to be hidden in concrete and is likely to uncover equally unfun related projects hidden in my front lawn dirt. Here’s to hoping my $$$$ project doesn’t end up involving a fifth dollar sign.

      2. I spent almost $100k on foundation work (which we knew we had to do when we bought the house) and had contractors disrupting our lives for months. Nothing to show for it in the end, by which I literally mean show. Yeah, now we’re probably not going to die in an earthquake, but we can’t really have friends over to ooh and aah about our new piers and beams in the crawl space.

   4. Count me as one who would be totally into picture frames, as long as I’m framing art and not family pictures or something. I’m just not a family picture on the wall person, but I love art.

      But I’ll play – my least fun adulting money spend this week was filing taxes and then sending $$$$ to fed and state. Yay adulting.

   5. I have tons of picture frames. I also have tons of pictures. I also have tons of good but apparently fruitless intentions of one day joining them together.

      1. OMG SAME. I also have a framed, nice, photo art piece in my office which is still on the floor after a year because we haven’t hung it up yet!

         1. Same. Despite truly loving art I have decision paralysis when it comes to my own home. I would happily pay for someone with good taste to pick out, frame, and then hang pieces for me! Minted actually did an ok job with the pick out/framing of abstract art but the last mile of getting it hung is my Waterloo…

         2. Ok – maybe this is my calling in life. I have spent like over a grand in the last month having art framed and have LOVED every moment of picking the frames and mats. I knew I should have done something else in life!!

   6. I somewhat miss the pre-adult years where my first instinct when coming into unexpected money was not to do something responsible with it.

5. I feel like over the last few weeks I have been feeling so bored and demotivated. It seems like it is hard to find anything fun to do with covid. What are some things that you have been doing for fun? I do lots of board games with the kids, shows with my husband, cooking, and exercise but even that doesn’t seem quite enough. For example yesterday we watched shows for a bit over an hour after cooking dinner, and it wasn’t the best, but there wasn’t anything much better I could do with my husband. I refuse to do board games because we get plenty of those with the kids. What are some things you do for fun in the evenings/weekends?

   1. Walks in the neighborhood, weather permitting. (If you have kids, download a babyphone app and use one phone as the baby phone.)
      On the weekend, trips to local parks/state parks. Or joy rides.

   2. honestly, video/computer games – I dusted off the Sims this week. If I can’t be doing anything interesting at least my virtual family can be at a festival.

      On topic (sort of) – I am thankful the “wallop” is in the rearview mirror! Sunny days and mild temps mean my mood is infinitely better. City snow is only good as long as it’s still falling. We’re planning on some long walks this weekend to get much-needed fresh air without the risk of slush-puddles.

      1. Oh my god I love the sims during all times – but lately I’ve been simming like crazy. They are getting to live such fun lives. I also just finally bought a proper gaming laptop, so I’m excited to play new games. Of course, that is not much help to OP who is looking for activities to do together. Unless you all can play games on a system? I have always been PC based so I don’t understand how things like playstations work.

      2. I’ve been playing sims too – hadn’t played it since about 2012 until last year. I am *loving* it.

   3. I found that I needed to increase the intensity and variety of my workouts. The neighborhood walks that have been a substitute for a real life are not doing it for me anymore. I still enjoy them but they’re not enough. I enjoyed fixing up my bike and going for a hard ride instead.

   4. I need to create. Write poetry, compose a song, etc. (Of course, that’s easier to do when your husband is a musician and your house is literally overflowing with instruments.)

   5. Can you do some kind of DIY/decorating project? Even if your house is done, maybe re-do an area. A doable project that mixes things up and changes your environment. That said, I wouldn’t say DH and I do these for fun, more like we want our house to look a certain way and we’re handy enough to do it ourselves. It’s very, very satisfying though.

      Also, puzzles are different than board games…I don’t always have one out, but maybe about every 4-6 weeks do a new one when I’m getting bored. but I’m assuming you weren’t living under a rock in 2020 and know about puzzles.

      1. I’ve leaned in entirely to the COVID puzzling and just started a 3D puzzle of The Burrow. Not sure how I feel about the 3D puzzles yet. But they have so many cool options!

   6. retro video games, partner yoga (usually results in some laughs, online painting classes while drinking wine, I’ve made him do an online dance class or two. He’s teaching me to play guitar. I’m teaching him poker.

   7. For evenings, we recently fell down the rabbit hole of watching mid-2000s home reno shows from the UK – there is the “are you going to find anything cool in a 200 year old house” factor, combined with the quite evident various levels of enthusiasm from the hosts to the home owners. Just search around on Amazon for them. Sometimes we’ve also gotten in the habit of putting old music videos one which depending on the level of beverages consumed at times leads to ill fated attempts to perform the dances in them.

      1. OMG we are HOOKED on Grand Designs, which is a show from the UK where (mostly completely unhinged) people spend up to several years building houses from scratch, and the show follows the whole process start to finish. They have a few seasons on Netflix and then other seasons elsewhere — we have been chasing it all around the internet.

         1. This sounds like a show I would like.

            1. Fair warning: It’s totally addictive!!

         2. This show is sooo good!

         3. Senior Attorney, Grand Designs is how we got started down our current viewing path. The DIY hobbit mansion was a truly Grand Design at its finest.

   8. I joined a virtual book club, and at first I just enjoyed reading new titles, but now I look forward to the forums where we discuss the books. Its detective fiction only, all escapism, nothing nonfiction or heavy. As I started reading more, I started to *want* to read more, and pick up extra books in between the book club books.

      I started a Detective Fiction course from Future Learn. This is my first class with them, but it sounds like it was a pretty popular thing even before the pandemic. I’m motivated to get my homework done. Its been a long time since I’ve had motivation.

      Birds are in full migration. During snowvid we sprinkled birdseed on the backyard patio and enjoyed watching them all day.

      Also, I just got a Lego set for my birthday, and I had so much fun working on it.

   9. I built a wood book nook over President’s Day weekend and the painting and building was super satisfying, as was the end result! It was Diagon Alley, my brother got it for me for Christmas on Etsy.

   10. It is hard. I’m not sure where you are, but here in Los Angeles there are some beautiful gardens that are open to the public (Descanso Gardens, the grounds at the Huntington Library, etc.) I’m not a big garden person but have really enjoyed my visits there – just taking the “walk” up a notch. We have a new dog, so I’ve been exploring new hiking trails and that always makes me appreciate the city so much more.

       We’ve also done some “drive thru” experiences … we did a holiday lights one, and a weird Happy Times pop-up, and a Stranger Things-themed one last weekend. Not something I’d do in ordinary times, but nice to have a “thing” on the calendar and something different.

       Along those lines, we’ve also done a few drive-in movies. Those were fun! It’s February now, but when the weather’s nicer, we’ve set up a projector/screen and done “backyard movies”.

       If you are in a city-ish, do a little searching online … I’ve been really surprised at how many “events” and fun things people are offering. Walking tours, virtual shows, etc. Maybe not things you’d do during the week, but if you can plan something fun for the weekend, it really helps lift you up during the week.

   11. We will sometimes have parallel reading time or read to each other out loud. Those two minute mystery books are fun, or we subscribe to The Week and the content is pretty concise so good for reading to each other and discussing.
       Also- we probably only spend 3 out of 7 evenings together after kids go to bed. We have vastly different taste in TV and I like to have time for my own hobbies (art or writing or learning to juggle) or projects (online class or volunteer mask making)

   12. We had an 80s themed dance party with the kids- the kids made flyers and put them up around the house, and it was fun to have something to look forward to for the week. The four of us dressed up- big hair! Leg warmers (arms cut off an old sweater)! We moved living room furniture, dimmed the lights, put on galaxy star lights put and an 80s playlist. Snacks and drinks optional.

   13. Had an 80s themed dance party with the kids. Kids made flyers and posted them around the house. We all dressed up-Big hair! Leg warmers (arms cut off of an old sweater)! Moved the living room furniture, dimmed lights, put on galaxy star lights and an 80s playlist. The four of us danced around for 2 solid hours. Snacks and drinks optional.

6. Hi all- I’m a senior associate in BigLaw in DC, seemingly/hopefully on track to make partner in the next few years, and also very recently divorced.

   Now that the divorce is final and all our finances/assets have been divided, I’m in need of a financial planner / investment advisor (ie where to park my savings, whether and to what extent to pay off my mortgage versus investing, etc.). The person I previously used is a family friend of my ex-husband, so that’s not going to work going forward.

   I would appreciate any specific recommendations for DC. Would also appreciate advice re what I should consider in hiring someone, what a normal commission/fee is, etc. My ex-husband was in finance, so while I was fully aware of our financial situation, I had the benefit of his knowledge (and also trusted his family friend on investments). Thanks!

7. I hate everything about my home office, and WFH has turned what was just minor annoyance into full-blown intolerance. So it’s time to renovate.

   I’ve wanted a full-wall built-in bookshelf since I was a kid, but these days I find myself tending more towards e-books and rarely buying hard copies. Is it even worthwhile anymore to do a built-in? I’ve never been a fan of the magazine tactic of filling a bookshelf with plants and tchotchkes. Would it look lame if it was sparsely filled?

   1. If you don’t have many books and don’t like plants and tchotckes, then a full wall bookshelf is probably not the best idea for you.

      I would consider enclosed storage for the bottom half of the wall, and floating shelves for the top half of the wall. You can put unattractive items that need to be stored on the bottom (office supplies, off season clothes, whatever) and style the shelves with books you love. And yes, plants and tchotchkes.

      1. +1, or consider full-wall cabinets instead. Almost like a pantry for your office.

      2. Oh, I like this idea. Like library cabinets with beadboard doors on the bottom.

   2. +1 To closed shelving on the bottom, open shelves on the top.

      My den is ultimately going to look like this someday: https://laurelberninteriors.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Close_up_meredith_heron_in_HH_2.jpg

      Except I will do closed cabinets all across the bottom. I’m going to do an electric fireplace in the middle.

      I’m a reader like you – I tend more toward e-books and a couple years ago I completely decimated my physical book library when we moved across country. However now that we moved back and have more space I’ve gradually built my collection of physical books back up again – I tend to buy physical books a) when I can buy something secondhand at thrift stores and library sales (thrifty + less $$ to jeff) and b) if it’s a book I’m going to want to borrow to someone. Also all my woo-woo / spiritual-ish / self-help books I buy in physical copies because it’s weird for me to read them on a kindle. anyway, maybe you have a category of books like this that you’ll want physical copies of?

      1. That is gorgeous! And that blue paint. I am swooning.

8. Has anyone had any experience with fibroids? No woman in my family has ever gone through menopause because their fibroids are so bad they get full hysterectomies. I was on a steroid burst recently and felt awful, including a fullness (almost tumor-type fullness) in my abdomen. It is about a month later (steriods were about 4 days, for a sinus issue). I rolled over in my sleep last night and a feeling of fullness overcame me even though I had eaten a normal dinner around 6. I have had GYN issues in the past and had to go on the pill (I’m in my late 40s) to stop perpetual bleeding. I have also (since xmas) added about 5 pounds, all around my midsection, even though nothing else has changed in my life. Since I am too old to be pregnant, can I just call my GYN and get an ultrasound (or otherwise ask to be checked)? I’m unsure re next steps but I think that a non-OB patient asking for an ultrasound may not go anywhere and I want to ask in the right way to sort of escalate this. I feel like I’ve always known that this day would come.

   1. Just call your gyn and make an appointment? You’re jumping a lot of steps.

   2. Yes, absolutely call your gyn. I can’t think of a reason they wouldn’t do an ultrasound. I had issues with pain and fullness on one side last year and got an ultrasound – had a big old cyst that needed surgery.

   3. Yes, call your GYN. “I have a family history of severe fibroids, and I’ve had many uncomfortable symptoms lately. Could Dr. Z see me for an ultrasound?”

   4. I have fibroids and my GYN gives me an ultrasound every 6 months to monitor growth. I’m not sure why you think your GYN would not take you seriously.

   5. I thought I had fibroids over the summer, went to my gyn, and she made me a referral for an ultrasound. She thought it probably wasn’t fibroids (and she was right, I was just really bloated), but took my family history and my personal level of concern about it into account when ordering the referral. I don’t think she would have done the referral without me coming in first, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

   6. Ultrasounds are used for many purposes besides pregnancy, just call your doctor normally

   7. Echoing what everyone is saying here: call your gynecologist for an appointment to discuss. I’m going through something similar, and my first appointment was by telehealth. I’m booked for an ultrasound, and will see her in person after that so she can do the physical exam when she has the imaging.

   8. I had an ultrasound appointment last year. Because of menopause and dryness it hurt so much when we (tech, then I) tried to get the wand in. I finally demanded some topical painkiller. The tech had never heard of using a painkiller for this. I insisted and someone tracked down a tube of lidocaine. I applied it myself, we waited a few minutes, and Bob’s your uncle! I am going to insist on this going forward for all the future Pap smear procedures. Why do we have to endure pain every time we have a “woman’s” problem??!!

      1. What even was happening with that tech? I’ve never had a transvaginal ultrasound where they didn’t use great blobs of lube. It shouldn’t be painful because there shouldn’t be that much friction! Pap smears are another story – in order to actually numb your cervix, they’d need to inject lidocaine, which (to me, anyway) hurts just as much as the actual pap smear, plus you have to wait for it to take effect.

         Anyway, re: the fibroids – I had a large one removed a few years ago, getting it checked out was just what everyone said: I called my obgyn, described my symptoms, they looked and saw the fibroid, and I was scheduled for surgery.

         1. Lube does not usually have a painkiller in it. I’m guessing you’re not menopausal yet… Believe me, none of these things ever hurt before. The cervix itself doesn’t need the painkiller, but the vaginal opening does. For me, that’s where the pain is.

9. I think someone was posting the other day that there had been no outbreaks link to gyms that she knew of. Turns out that that’s not true now that the CDC has finally gotten around to releasing a report on the matter. Infections occurred at a higher rate among the gymgoers even when social distancing measures were in place. I personally know two or three people who got corona from the gym.

   Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

   https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/24/health/coronavirus-gyms-outbreaks.html

   1. I think it’s very interesting that the gyms let people remove masks during class. I’m at my dance studio 4 days a week and I have not seen a single nose even once. We all take the privilege of having the studio open very seriously.

      1. +1 same situation at my gym

      2. Same. I briefly returned to one of my favorite studios in the fall, but left when cases started to get bad again, and one of the reasons was because masks weren’t required during class. Even though I always picked a spot by a window (and insisted it be open), the risk of transmission seemed a little too high.

         I realize that some masks aren’t great to wear when working out, but if staying active during COVID has been important to you, you should order some athletic masks (and I don’t mean neck gaiters). They’re not that expensive, and they make a world of difference.

   2. A lot of the stories about this on my NPR station this morning stressed that the people were unmasked. In that case, they headline should be “unmasked people in workout class / crowded gym resulted in spread” because, well, duh. I honestly think that if people concentrated on their conduct (and those of others immediately close to them), they could better control what happens to them (and the rest of us, who suffer).

      Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

      1. Virginia’s mask “mandate” specifically allows gym patrons to remove masks during exercise. The article also focuses on the fact that some of the spreaders attended or taught classes while they knew they were ill or were awaiting test results. The whole thing proves that people are just too stupid and selfish to allow for a safe reopening.

         1. Same in my state. I’ve never understood the argument that this highly contagious disease that is spread through respiratory droplets wouldn’t be an issue in places where the entire point of being there is to breathe hard (and, therefore, spread more respiratory droplets). Also the fact that people are STILL going to places like the gym while symptomatic, waiting for results, or AFTER a positive test is mindblowing.

         2. My state does not even have a mask mandate, and my local mask mandate allows unmasked exercising at the gym. Gyms with very limited capacity and strict masking are much safer than what is happening around me.

         3. Illinois outside of Chicago doesn’t require masks while exercising (not sure if Chicago has loosened up now as well), even though the state was one of the first with a mask mandate. I’m shocked how people thinking running on treadmills indoors with only one empty in between is somehow magical in protecting spread.

      2. I think a big part of the issue is that some people wear masks, especially while they are in the locker room, but most gyms are allowing people to work out unmasked in my personal experience. The person I know who got it was masked while at the gym, but I also don’t necessarily trust her to be truthful about that. After she recovered, she started going back to the gym and does not bother wearing a mask at all.

      3. So this happened in my area (IL) and the somewhat jarring fact is that under current IL (not Chicago) restrictions, maskless exercising (in one’s own space, 6 feet away from others) is permitted … While these seems like a “duh” moment for anyone who understands how COVID works, there are likely a lot of people who think it’s ok to sweat and breathe heavy 6 feet away from each other because it’s within state guidelines. Again, duh, and why would you go to a gym and assume COVID respects a tape line on the floor, but I think there are people who will consider this a lightbulb moment so I’m glad it’s getting a lot of media play.

   3. Several months ago, there was an outbreak at an OrangeTheory in Elmhurst, Illinois (suburb of Chicago). I don’t want to add a link, but just google the relevant words and you’ll easily find news stories on it. There is no reason not to assume that there weren’t other similar outbreaks at gyms, especially mom-and-pop ones who don’t have a corporate office to answer to.

      1. I also vaguely recall hearing about an outbreak connected to a spin studio in . . . Toronto, maybe?

   4. I agree with the above posters. The subtitle is meaningful here: “C—- cases at fitness centers in Chicago and Honolulu were linked to carelessness about masks and symptoms, federal health officials found.”

      That said, an indoor space with masked, heavy breathing is going to be riskier than an indoor space with masked, mild breathing… but context is important!

   5. I would only use a gym now for weights that I didn’t have at home (leg press, assisted chinups) which I can do masked no problem. Cardio I can do at home or outside. I’d be OK with swimming, towelling off, and showering at home, but I hate swimming in the winter.

   6. It has really bothered me to see a couple of people on Instagram who live in an area with noted outdoor recreational opportunities and who have high incomes going to the gym unmasked. They have literally every other option at their fingertips. I think some of them are disordered, actually, which is kind of sad, but it doesn’t make it OK.

   7. The two people I know who got sick from gym / fitness studios weren’t the result of careless mask wearing – in one case it was a kickboxing class where people were required to wear masks (both she and her husband got sick, not sure who else from that one). The other was a friend who got sick after his niece was infected in a group outbreak at a dance class – again, everyone in the class was wearing masks and maintaining the 6’+ distancing. Five students plus the instructor got sick in that case.

10. Recommendations on what to wear for newborn photos? I’m due in two weeks and we’ll probably do photos around the 10 day post partum mark. Size 12ish, hourglass shaped (though feeling more like a snow globe these days…)

    1. Ha Ha! I love the snow globe comparison. My SIL did this, and chose a dark jewel tone high waist dress, with a V neck that showed off the boobs she doesn’t normally have and looked comfortable around her middle. She had someone in to do her hair and makeup too, as a treat, and because that’s how she rolls.

       1. I would add that the dark jewel tone worked for her coloring – whatever you wear, pick whatever your best color is and go with that.

    2. I love the photos where mom and dad both wear white shirts and jeans and baby is naked or in a white onesie.

    3. I wore solid colors to not distract from the baby. 10 days pp I was still shaped like a snow globe, so be prepared for multiple options. :)

    4. I did a photo with my daughter not as a new born but young enough that my body was concerning to me. Fortunately the photographer routinely did these photos and had a number of white dresses that were loose and flowing in all sizes, the babies were also in white (or nude on a white blanket) and the whole vibe of the pic was ethereal and flooded with natural light. (She added studio light but also depended on a sunny window in the studio). It is still one of my favorite photos, and I don’t see my body at all. It’s about me holding my child.

11. I’m gardening with my boyfriend of six months. For medical and personal reasons, the pill and IUD are out for me, so we rely on con***s. Lately, he’s been having issues finishing and he is blaming it on wearing protection. Is this a real thing? All my past exes never complained and didn’t seem to have finishing issues (except during college years if too much booze was involved l). If it matters, I’m 35, he’s 45. I don’t think he’s used protection in years before me. I have never had to have these conversations before and somehow (even though I advise people all day about tough conversations during my day job) this has me pretty off balance.

    1. He’s 45. Function is going to start to diminish around that age regardless of what you use

       1. Adding, it doesn’t mean he’s through s3xually but what you’re describing seems within normal limits

    2. At 45, I’m going to say yes. Things age on men too as they get older.

    3. Maybe he’d have better luck with different brands or styles? Per another posters’ comment, maybe to some extent its age, or just getting accustomed to using them again if its been a long time.

    4. DH is 44 and has never had an issue. He’s pretty fit though and I haven’t noticed any age related changes except he’s not always up for a second round the same night. He was due to get snipped last year but it got postponed because of covid so we’ve been using condoms for a few years now. Pill and hormonal iud didn’t agree with me post kids and I didn’t want to risk copper iud.

    5. adding to above, DH is 42, and i’ve definitely noticed a decrease in that area. we also use c”’ms and it’s not the issue, but there are quite a few out there, so you could try some of the ‘sensitive’ ones that are a lit thinner for the wearer…

    6. Very, very normal for men in their 40s to have some dysfunction, regardless of what protection is being used.

    7. You could try the old fashioned diaphragm. They are about as effective as condoms, use a spermicide, and well, I used one for years and it was fine. Not as fine as the pill re: spontaneous gardening, but very workable.

       1. No no no a diaphragm and spermicide to not prevent STDs and they are not as effective as condoms at preventing pregnancy. Let OP’s boyfriend figure this out. It’s his issue.

          1. Okay, sure, but if she cares about him she might want to help a little bit. That’s not ridiculous. And lots of people who are exclusive at 6 months stop using condoms for the STD prevention part.

             1. Please stop selling this rape culture nonsense to women. Men are not entitled to pressure and manipulate women into doing sexual things they’re not comfortable with. If he wants to have a conversation about their options then he needs to put on his big boy parties and do that. Not just blame his inability to finish on condoms despite the fact they’ve been successfully using condoms for months.

             2. LOL that that’s rape culture.

             3. I’m married and use condoms for birth control. It’s a fine option – women shouldn’t be the one dealing with all the side effects. I don’t see how it’s that big of a deal that she needs to change her life around it?

             4. Condoms are a perfectly fine option. It’s not like a plastic shopping bag or something. Majority of married girlfriends have used them in between babies when an IUD isn’t practical (pain to have it in only to need it out a year later when you want baby’s #2) and they didn’t want to be on the pill while nursing. Condoms are NBD.

    8. DH and I both occasionally have issues like this because of various medical complications and just inexperience late in life. FWIW, antidepressants have that effect on men, but I don’t know if a 6 mo. boyfriend would be open with you about medication or not.

       The main thing I think you should know is that after you start noticing any issue, it gets in your head. Have the open conversation, even if it’s tough, but try very hard not to pressure him–or pressure yourself (into compromising BC, obviously, or thinking you need to go overboard to be exciting). Accept that you’ll both be off balance when things don’t go as expected, be willing to take breaks, and focus on other kinds of fun.

    9. The other commenters are being too nice. Whining about condoms is a dealbreaker. We all know guys don’t love condoms. Suck it up buttercup. It’s not only the woman’s job to prevent pregnancy. It sounds like he tolerated condoms early in your relationship but now feels entitled to stop using them. It’s so gross that he’s trying to manipulate you into letting him stop using condoms because “it doesn’t feel as good” or “it’s interfering with my pleasure” you know what interferes with my pleasure? Being pregnant. I would have a Conversation about how he is free to use whatever kind of condom he wants but whining about condoms won’t be tolerated.

       1. +10000000.

          1. I think this really assumes the worst. Condoms really can reduce sensation for guys (sometimes we use them on purpose to prolong the fun!). It’s totally possible that the condom makes it harder for him to finish. Of course the guy shouldn’t be pressuring you to go without condoms, it’s hard to tell from your post whether he’s doing that. But, I can imagine a guy feeling a bit embarrassed about it and “blaming” it on the condom as in “it’s not you, I’m totally turned on by you, but the condom is the reason I’m not finishing.”

             If he’s pressuring you to go without the condom – way not cool.
             If he’s embarrassed about not finishing and tells you it’s because of the condom – that’s probably true. Try different brands, don’t take it personally, and reassure him that it’s okay.

       2. I have to agree.

       3. STDs also interfere with my pleasure. Wear a condom, jackass.

       4. This.

       5. OMG yes. Also, I am not LDS but please read this thread: https://twitter.com/designmom

          1. Love that thread and all the men responding to it doubling down on their ridiculous positions.

       6. Totally. It’s like the man finally has one responsibility but then he doesn’t like it, so he turns to the woman to take on the responsibility and fix it for him.

       7. Yep! If this keeps coming up, I’d suggest looking for a new boyfriend.

    10. Don’t let his whining convince you to go raw, which is what he wants. He’s an adult. He can figure out this problem.

        1. Or he can break up with you.

           OP – this is 100% not a criticism of you. You are completely entitled to demand the type of BC you want. I am just pointing out that is his other option so you are not shocked when it happens. Whether it is “real” or all in his mind is irrelevant. (And I have heard and read different things on this subject.)

           Not a huge loss in my mind since he sounds like a douche – but I am around your age and have so many friends who lay down the law on their expectations and then are shocked when their BFs end the relationship. And I keep wondering why they are so surprised. A man is his 40s is a hot commodity on the dating market, especially if he is a professional. And a woman in her 40s (or 30s) is – – – not.

           1. Good riddance to any man who would leave solely over this. Buh-bye!

           2. What is your point here? She and your friends should do whatever the man wants because he can find another partner? I really can’t figure out why you posted. Unless you’re OP’s boyfriend.

              1. Did I not say “not a huge loss . . . he sounds like a douche”?

                 Look there are three options here:
                 (1) He uses a condom and learns to be happy with it;
                 (2) They figure out another form of BC (honestly if he is 45 and does not want kids, he should probably just get a vasectomy but considering how many married men with kids won’t do that for their literal wives I think that is not very likely);
                 (3) He breaks up with her and dates some woman who is willing to do what he wants. And OP finds a guy who is willing to use condoms for the entirety of their gardening life, which is not easy but not impossible.

                 I think #3 is the most likely scenario in this instance. And good riddance. But OP needs to be realistic about the likely outcome here. The fact that she is on this site asking this question instead of kicking him to the curb indicates that is not her preferred outcome.

              2. Not the poster but I think the point is that she needs to decide whether it is a dealbreaker for her or not before laying down the law?

                 People are making it a dealbreaker when it might not be for her.

           3. I’d defend your friends in being surprised. This rationale is so cynical I don’t blame anyone for simply rejecting it, even if it has some logic in market terms.

              1. Yeah this is so gross. Please don’t encourage women to settle for this shit.

           4. Yes, men are super hard to find. That’s why dating apps are full of men talking to bots, and any real woman logging on to them is inundated by an avalanche of d1ck.

           5. At this point, they should break up. I think being this upset about condoms is a major red flag.

              1. I think there is so much projecting going on in this thread. OP didn’t say he was upset? Like, I get that lots of men are total d!cks about this and deserve to be dropped like a hot potato immediately, but that wasn’t the impression I got from the post. But saying that is perpetuating rape culture, so what do I know.

           6. I’m not the Anon but I’m guessing all she’s demanding is that she doesn’t have another stroke which is the same demand I make when I make my boyfriends use condoms instead of continuing to take the pills and IUDs that caused me to have two strokes in my 20s. And don’t suggest the copper IUD. Because it turns out I have a rare clotting disorder, I now take Warfarin so I can’t use the copper IUD.

    11. Not to be crass but have you guys tried fooling around without intercourse. If he can’t finish from a BJ or HJ then it’s a him problem, not a condom problem.

        1. This comment didn’t get the attention it deserved.

    12. If he’s 45 then his babymaking years should be over and he should get a vasectomy. Then, provided you’ve both had STI tests, no condoms needed.

12. Question for those who’ve done kitchen renos. Our kitchen opens into our mudroom/laundry room/half bath combo. Before the kitchen reno we’re planning to do a mini-reno of the mudroom/laundry room space (half bath is fine and will stay as is). I can’t deal with having no laundry AND no kitchen at the same time, hence the phased approach.
    What I’m debating on is whether or not to add in a utility/prep sink to the laundry space. Half bath sink is small, and I really, really would like to avoid hauling all of our dirty dishes upstairs to wash them in our tub for 3-4 months. I’m leaning towards something like a freestanding utility stink next to the washer/dryer, which, if we chose can be removed and relocated to the basement after the reno. My husband would rather use the space for a larger closet and says he’ll eat off of paper plates for the reno but I don’t think that’s realistic (I’d like to rinse out fruit/veggies, make coffee, sandwiches, etc.) my parents renovated when I was a kid and I remember being SO sick of takeout/pre-packaged food and I would imagine being even more irritated as an adult. Type of sink is below. WWYD?
    https://www.lowes.com/pd/Elkay-29-8-in-x-50-5-in-Buffed-Satin-Freestanding-Stainless-Steel-Utility-Tub-with-Drain/1000002220

    1. I have always had a sink in my laundry area and I don’t know how you manage without one if you do any sort of hand laundry. But I don’t know if you have to do 2 separate renovations. A good contractor can temporarily relocate your laundry to the basement. Then when you move everything back, you’ll still have hookups in the basement in case you want them. (simpler with an electric dryer vs gas, I assume)

    2. 1. I would do it because you have plans on using the utility sink afterward. We love having one for rough stuff like (real) gardening tools, deep cleaning etc.
       2. Use disposable everything anyway. Washing a few pans or a coffee pot >>> a whole sinkful of plates.

    3. I regularly wish we had one of these in our laundry room and I have no added need to use it for dishes. If you otherwise have sufficient closet space, I would go for it.

    4. I would let your husband have his preference IF he agrees that he will be 100% responsible for all dishwashing (including pots and pans) for the duration of the kitchen renovation. No whining, no excuses, and the dishes must be done in full every day. If the closet matters to him, he should be willing to do the work in support of that option.

       1. This is an excellent point, and one that guarantees he will immediately give up on the closet as he HATES dishwashing with a fiery passion. We also have a large, and frequently muddy dog so I see the ‘slop sink’ (as my mom always charmingly called it) as a MUCH more useful feature than a slightly bigger closet.
          I would love to relocate the washer/dryer to the basement but it’s not feasible – we have an antique house with a literal stone foundation and there is no way to vent the dryer plus the mortar on the stones gets sandy/dusty/etc. and is just not where I want clean clothes to be.
          Thanks all!

    5. I have this sink in my laundry area right off the kitchen and it’s incredibly handy. Aside from laundry related usage, it’s great when I have a lot of really big pots and pans to wash and I want to keep the kitchen sink clear. Like cookie baking when I might have three half sheet pans plus racks to wash but need the kitchen sink to be clear, thanksgiving or other big meals, etc.

    6. I’d make a decision based on what you want in the future. Renovations are a pain, but you can find work-arounds. For instance, if you don’t have a sink near the kitchen for a few weeks, keep a Brita pitcher around for water for coffee and rinsing fruit. Use paper plates. It’ll be worth having what you want in the end.

       I love my laundry room utility sink. I also love storage space, and storage by the front door is really nice. I think it really depends on the specifics of your house and how it flows and what needs to be fixed.

13. Question for Retin-a users: how do you slough away your dead skin cells?

    I oil cleanse every night and that loosens a lot of dead skin. I also use my fingertips to massage my face in the shower and that gets some skin off too. But I still get patches of flaky skin. Is there something else I should do? I worry about being too rough.

    1. I’d use a peeling gel or gommage, very common in K/J beauty. The Thank you Farmer one is a personal favorite, the Dr. G and I’m from didn’t work as well IMHO.

    2. I use a physical exfoliant (Fresh sugar strawberry scrub) in the morning. I know it’s basically considered a crime in the skincare community but my skin responds really well to it.

    3. You can just wash your face with a wet washcloth once in awhile. No need to do it every day, but once or twice a week will get off a lot of dead skin.

       1. This is what I do, max once a week, and very gently.

    4. A toner.

    5. I have the PMD Clean Smart Facial cleansing device. I use it every 2-3 days when I wash my face in the morning. I don’t think a device is necessary but I enjoy the way my skin looks and feels with it.

    6. It sounds like you may be a little sensitive to the Retin-A. I agree with the others that a facecloth is plenty and I would not use anything rougher or a chemical exfoliant. You will peel more.

       You may benefit from using a moisturizer either before or after applying your Retin-A. Once I started doing that the visible peeling stopped. My dermatologist told me to do this

    7. I use retin a and have done so for years now. Your skin becomes thinner and more sensitive on Retin A so do not use things that may work for other people with less sensitive skin. The key is to moisturize more than you think you need and not ever let your face get dry.

       I like a Korean skincare approach where I am adding thin layers of moisture. In the AM, stepping out of the shower, I lightly dry my face and apply a moisturizing toner – I’m using the TonyMoly wonder Mocchi toner right now and I love it. It’s cheap too. I pour a little into one palm, press my palms together, then lightly press my palms into my face. Then after I dry my body I keep adding things that lightly moisturize – I do an essence, then a hyaluronic acid serum, then a more moisturizing serum, then eye cream and moisturizer. I’m loving the marine eye cream and omega moisturizer from Biossance right now. Then sunscreen, also Biossance.

       At night I use a balm cleanser, followed by a watery Essence, then the retin-a when that has dried, then about 20 minutes after the retin-a, a creamy moisturizer.

       If you don’t strip your skin when washing (also avoid very hot water on your face, including in the shower) and apply moisture, your skin flakes will be a thing of the past.

       1. This. Layer serums and moisturizers so you don’t get flaky and dry. It’s also okay to buffer your retinol; apply it over moisturizer and it’s been studied to be no less effective than applied directly to your skin.

          My routine is heavy in Asian products. At night, I double cleanse with Banila Clean It Zero and CeraVe Hydrating. Then I swipe on P50 and follow with Holy Snails first essence and shark sauce. Next comes Hada Labo serum and lotion and Mizon Black Snail Essence. Then I use prescription tretinoin 0.75% and top it with J.One Hana cream and Missha Snail Sleeping Pack.

          Every once in a while I’ll use a Clarisonic with a sensitive head and only for a total of 20 seconds for quick exfoliation.

          1. Yes totally agree. OP if you feel you absolutely must use some sort of physical exfoliant, use the gentlest one you can use. For me, that’s the Tatcha rice powder. Pricey but lasts forever. You can buy a travel size on their website for not too much money.

             But honestly I’d spend that money on thin layers of moisture, k style.

          2. So would something like Cerave followed by a retinol serum (and perhaps a retinol cream) work? Thank you!!

    8. I’m a multi-year tret user, and I still get frequent flaking. Some of us are just wired that way. I do exactly what you describe (oil cleanse and shower rubbing), then kinda spackle over the bad patches with my light K-care layers. CosRx 96 Snail Essence is my heaviest use item, I’d buy it by the drum if I could. Physical exfoliation is so satisfying in the moment, but it gives me broken capillaries.

14. I went over my state’s data last night (NC — significant Black population and growing Hispanic population; not a lot of people from any part of Asia (unlike the Pacific-bordering states)).

    By age:
    18-24: 14% of cases, 0% of deaths
    25-49 (most of the readers here): 39% of cases; 3% of deaths (note the bunching — 24 years vs 6 years in above cohort — the Youngs are punching above any other age group in getting it, but not dying)
    50-64: 20% of cases; 8% of deaths
    65-74: 8% of cases; 23% of deaths
    75+: 7% of cases; 60% of deaths

    I think that the J&J shot that generated so much drama yesterday is exactly what people need (not dying is good!), in order of oldest to youngest. But I think that this isn’t about us. It’s about the people who are dying in excess of their # of cases, which this makes very clear.

    1. Do we really need to rehash that again? People want the most efficacious vaccine against severe illness based on what we know right now. Other people think they should be grateful for what they can get. The pandemic has been dramatically unequal and it’s sad and horrifying. What else is there?

       1. It’s not about being “grateful for what I can get” – honestly even if I get the J&J I will be much, much closer to resuming my normal life knowing it’s 85% effective against severe disease. I’d rather have the J&J today than the moderna or pfizer in 6 months (alas, I am not getting any of these for a while)

          Also, someone on the moms board made a great point – even though you don’t technically get a “choice”, different locations have different vaccines and can tell you what you will be getting. Unless you live in an isolated rural area (in which case J&J is a better option because it doesn’t need as much refrigeration), call a few locations such as hospitals and pharmacies and ask what’s available (when you are even able to get an appointment.)

          1. The FDA said 66%. You all keep trotting out this 85% like you’re paid to shill for J&J. Let’s use the official numbers please.

             1. Maybe if we “all” keep saying something you disagree with, YOU are the exception who doesn’t understand plain English

             2. Maybe you don’t want to address the fact that the FDA said 66%.

             3. The different efficacy rates are referring to different study endpoints, The 85% efficacy is for the endpoint of severe COVID (I would have to look at the protocol to see how that is defined). It was 100% effective at preventing COVID-related deaths and hospitalization. The 66% efficacy is for mild/moderate COVID (and again you would have to look at the protocol for the definition). So essential it is going to prevent you from dying or being hospitalized from COVID, that is amazing.

             4. The FDA said 66% for “moderate to severe” covid. Their words.

             5. The definition for moderate was positive test plus one symptom. You still have a 34% chance of developing moderate infection as per that definition.

             6. Moderate to severe, meaning including severe. Honestly I think you’re just ignoring words that don’t agree with the point of view you’re trying to push.

             7. From the CDC EUA doc
                Vaccine efficacy (VE) against central laboratory-confirmed moderate to severe/critical COVID19 across all geographic areas in which the trial was conducted was 66.9%
                Analyses of secondary endpoints demonstrated vaccine efficacy against
                central laboratory confirmed and blind-adjudicated severe/critical COVID-19 occurring at least
                14 days and at least 28 days after vaccination of 76.7% (54.6, 89.1) and 85.4%(54.2, 96.9),
                respectively

                It’s moderate up to, but not including severe/critical

             8. FDA not CDC

    2. I agree with regard to the shot. But I also think a lot of people here think differently than you and I think with regard to risk of slight sickness, or a very smalll risk of life threatening sickness, and comfort in a mostly lockdown lifestyle. I keep reading about how people like wfh, mandatory lockdown, masking and virtual everything because they don’t have colds or other non-life threatening illnesses. I also read about people who are very concerned about a somewhat rare but severe covid case, even after vaccination.

       That’s a trade off a lot of women here are comfortable with, even if I’m very eager to get any vaccine and my tolerance for mandatory lockdown is plummeting along with the dearth rates.

       1. I think the concern is about long COVID, not a rare but severe case. We’re not seeing any data yet on the rates of long COVID following mild cases after vaccination. Since long COVID is a possibility with mild infections, it’s a reasonable question to ask. You wouldn’t want to have a non-life threatening illness for the next year or more either.

          1. One in 20 gets long covid but it’s more skewed to older age and higher BMI. For people who don’t fall into one of these categories, it’s less of a concern

             1. It’s actually skewed towards previously healthy middle-aged women of normal weight. That’s me.

             2. Source?

             3. I guess you are not interested in providing the source, because your statement is incorrect

          2. You know what — I have already lived with that for years (I think that chronic disease and/or cancer becomes just a thing that you deal with, sadly, as you age and your genes / genetic makeup becomes more a factor in your health once the benefits of youth wear off), still at BigLaw full-time, parent, all of the above from when I was well. I do some things less or with less intensity, but so much worse for me with the addition of the psychological loneliness and grave concerns re my middle-schoolers. I want normal for them. I don’t want relatives to die sans funerals. I want my parents back in our lives not hunkering down. I can deal with COVID as a chronic disease vs an acute disease that has taken too many people decades too soon permanently.

             1. There’s chronic illness and then there’s chronic illness. You must know that it’s not possible to maintain full time work with every chronic condition, especially if there are a lot of cognitive symptoms or otherwise disabling symptoms.

                When this topic came up before, it was in the context of expressing a preference for one vaccine over another, in situations where there happens to be a choice. No one is talking about refusing vaccines or extending the length of the pandemic, but of course people want to make informed decisions when choices are on the table.

             2. Not everyone chooses that, and I don’t think anyone would voluntarily take on a lifelong chronic illness in exchange for a few months less of social distancing.

15. Has anyone done one of these foot peels during Covid times? Thinking of doing it before the summer. Will any old brand do or should I just spend the extra money on Baby Foot? Thanks!

    1. I decided against doing this and instead bought some urea cream and exfoliation scrubbers from Amazon. I had some bad calluses and these worked well. My understanding is even if the baby foot product works perfectly, the hard skin comes back pretty quickly, also the idea of shedding my foot skin like a snake grossed me out

    2. The foot peels scare me but my feet were in need of some serious sloughing. THe Amlactin lotion used semi regularly worked really well for me.

    3. I did it and used the Tony Moly product. It was kind of fascinatingly gross and I am so bored that I enjoyed the novelty. That sounds sad, doesn’t it…

       1. I went to Costco by myself and it felt like a vacation so I’m right there with you.

       2. I did the TM one, too, and was underwhelmed, but I think it was user error. I have relatively sensitive skin so I left it on for the shortest listed amount of time, and only the really gross heel callouses sloughed off. I was happy with it, but would leave it on longer next time.

          Having one of those foot pumice/zester things (…seems like a good name haha) in the shower has been a better practice long term.

    4. I used the Soft Touch Foot Peel Mask from Amazon (because it was 1/2 the price of babyfoot) and LOVE IT. Gave it to everyone in my family for Christmas. They love it too. Do it!!!!!! (And follow all of the instructions on the box carefully – not to prevent danger, just to make it work its best)

       1. I like this one too.

          It is truly wondrous when your entire foot peels off. I love it. I only do it once a year but it’s fun.

          Actually the time to do it is around the corner for me – I usually do it right before my kids’ spring break/sandal weather. I’m in CA.

    5. I used to use one from Sephora that worked very well. It was discontinued, so I switched to Babyfoot. Babyfoot leaves a lot of dead skin on my heels. I’m about to try one from Boscia.

    6. I did baby foot back in June and it didn’t do anything. I have really terrible feet and I finally worked up the confidence to try a microplane grater last week, and I’m never going back. I got there when Pumice, sandpaper, and baby foot didn’t work. If the grater freaks you out, try sandpaper 1st and get used to the feeling.

       1. I have the micro plane one as well. It is so effective you have to be careful not to go overboard.

          I just bought the Hylamide (sister brand of the Ordinary) foot lotion called Heel Chemistry. It’s supposed to prevent the hard skin cycle. I like to lotion my feet before bed anyway so I thought I’d give it a whirl.

          1. Correction it’s not Hylamide, it’s the Chemistry Brand, another Deciem company/ sister company to The Ordinary.

    7. What shoes do you wear while it does all this? I feel like I would get blisters?

       1. Normal shoes. You don’t get blisters. Your foot skin kind of dries out and peels off, but it takes a while because the new skin is building up underneath.

          1. Thank you! I have been imagining raw feet and that new skin would be super sensitive.

             1. No, the new layer is normal skin.

16. Related to the gym question above, when will you or did you feel comfortable going back to gyms and fitness studios? In normal times, yoga studios are a huge part of my life. But practicing vinyasa with a mask on is just not something I’m going to do, so it’s been virtual classes and Peloton classes for me. I miss the community so much. I’ve been looking to the vaccine as the point where I can start to be open to returning. So maybe summer? Obviously it’s still a guessing game.

    1. Post vaccine–I have not been to the gym in a year, but will go again in about a month as I have had one shot, and the second is in March. I am 66, and in Massachusetts, and I was lucky to get a time slot on the day that my age group opened up. Two weeks after shot #2 will work for me–and there is no need for anyone to reply with a variety of opinions, reactions, advice, etc.

       1. It’s the Internet. You don’t get to control how other people respond to your posts.

       2. Stop trying to control everyone else (comments, masks, lockdowns).

    2. Not every gym in my town requires masks — that is an absolute nonstarter and completely irresponsible in my eyes. And yeah, people have definitely gotten and passed along covid there, according to my friend who is still going (masked, but I still think that’s insane). When I go to a gym, it’s just a basic YMCA, which I believe does require masks. Even with that protection, I still don’t feel comfortable being around a bunch of people huffing and puffing. Luckily, we got a treadmill this winter and outdoor workouts will be a possibility again soon, so I don’t feel like I’m suffering for not having gym access.

    3. I went back in June, I think, as soon as mine re-opened. We have capacity limits, masking, limited durations, very good air circulation (open garage-style door), good sanitation, and outdoor spaces. I feel like it is helping my immune system and mental health much more than increasing my health risks.

    4. For me, it will be never. I have a chronic lung disease and was a 5x a week gym attendee for weights and yoga. I currently walk outside and do yoga videos in my basement. I don’t see me ever attending an in person yoga class again or going to the gym. Unfortunate, but the changes this pandemic has made in my life will mean that there is not a “return to normal” by any means in any way in any future time frame.

    5. I have been going to once a week indoor yoga since Jan and I am fine with it. I’m in Maryland. We are fully masked the entire time, spread more than 6 feet apart, less than 8 people a class, and have an open window even in the cold of winter. We do slightly less vigorous vinyasa compared to pre-Covid times but I still feel like I get a good yoga practice.

    6. I haven’t yet. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to ‘working out every morning in the gym’ but will instead get a frequent user card to swim at the community gym that’s slightly further away (10 minute walk instead of 7) and doesn’t have facilities that would have made it easy to get ready for work there, and go once or twice a week, and do everything else at home/outside.
       Gyms were open here from about July to December but they didn’t feel safe to me – or rather, the reward/risk ratio felt too low. That said I was skating at the roller rink from September to December, which is functionally the same – but only once a week which felt much less unsafe than 5 times a week.
       People here are getting angry about joggers ‘breathing at them’ despite the fact that seems very unlikely to make you sick from everything I’ve read, so as I live centrally where there’s not much space to give a wide gap around people I am waiting until all the over 50s have been jabbed (likely to be mid April?) before I start running again – I was in half marathon shape this time last year and then I was so sick of running I’ve barely run since last March.

       1. If there’s not enough space to give a wide berth, then yes, people are justified in being bad about runners “breathing at them.” Outdoor transmission can happen (according to experts at research centers) and is not a get-out-of-jail-free card – you have to think about intensity of breathing, distance, and time. It drives me crazy when runners pass me with 2 feet of space while not wearing a mask and gasping for breath on their tempo run (and often coughing as well!). It’s not okay to do that.

    7. I went to my first in person yoga class last week. Everyone masked, spread out, and the class was capped at 8 people. It was so nice to be in the studio, with other people. I didn’t think the mask was too much of an annoyance, but I’m getting pretty used to wearing them now. I think the mental health boost I get from being in the studio is worth the risk.

    8. Once I’m vaccinated, whenever that may be. I just keep refreezing my gym membership. My state has a mask mandate for indoors, even gyms, but I strongly suspect compliance is lax at best, and I don’t really want to do cardio inside in a mask, anyway, especially now that the weather is getting nice again.

    9. I’ve got my fingers crossed for summer as well, hopefully by then most people will be vaccinated, and there’ll be evidence that the vaccine reduces transmission as well as severe symptoms. But I may keep wearing my masks for those indoor workouts until health officials are absolutely sure they’re not necessary.

    10. I am finally going to be eligible for the vaccine as of Monday (although who knows when I’ll be able to get an actual appointment), but alas, my beloved gym of 10 years has closed permanently due to the pandemic.

        I guess I will start looking for a new one eventually, but not for quite some time, I don’t think.

        1. Is Monday your birthday? Happy birthday!

           My husband is waiting for his birthday in April. I am nine years behind. :/

           1. Nope, just my job category is finally qualifying!

        2. I am eligible based on job category as of this Friday. I was not sure if my category would be eligible yet, so I am ecstatic. Now, on to the hunt for a vaccine, which is a huge hurdle in my jurisdiction.

    11. I would look at local studios that have outdoor classes when the weather permits. My local is all outdoor or zoom, and they let one person come in during the zoom classes to “model”.

    12. I’ve been doing power yoga with a mask on for several months. It’s really not bad.

    13. I’ll feel comfortable when I’m vaccinated. So far yoga studios and barre studios are open in my city but I’m not setting foot in an indoor studio with other people until vaccination time

    14. I’ve been back at the gym since it reopened last fall (with the exception of the three closed weeks at the end of Dec/Jan). I do not have any high risk factors, I live alone, I don’t go to an office, I interact with no one outside of the gym without wearing a mask or social distancing (although I absolutely do not believe either of those are magic solutions). I got COVID in December due to seeing a friend who had been exposed the day before (unknowingly). I quarantined (100% legit quarantine) after I knew I was exposed/tested positve (same day).

    15. I’ve been going back since June. I haven’t been to yoga because they’re also at capacity with the lower class size and you have to book 4 weeks out. But I go to a huge gym that has plenty of room to socially distant.

17. Its been 16 days since my second shot. And I’m eating in doors for the first time in a year. And it feels so good.

    1. YAY!!! VERY HAPPY TO READ THIS!!

       1. +1!! Enjoy!

    2. Great.

    3. Enjoy, and be sure to post photos on social media to rub it in the faces of your friends who are stuck at home for the foreseeable future.

       1. This poster is guaranteed white and high-income. ?

          1. Man, people are full of spit and vinegar on here today. It’s like no one can have a different opinion on anything.

       2. Too bad there’s not a vaccine for mean-spiritedness.

          1. I heard they are working on this vaccine next

             1. FDA says only 66% effective, despite what you’ve heard. Which would be great if it were a baseball player.

          2. Ah yes, the old Snark-CoV-2, or Covid-Nine-Mean.

             1. Ha!

       3. You’re getting a lot of hate for this but… I get it. It’s hard being at the back of the vaccine line and knowing it’ll be months before you get to do anything resembling your old normal life. Staying off social media definitely helps me cope with these envious feelings. Hang in there & know that you’re not alone!

    4. Yay! I’ve had one shot and my DH has had two and is going out to eat for the first time in a year tonight with a friend who is a first responder and fully vaccinated. It’s really exciting. so happy for you!

    5. Congrats!

    6. Restaurant food just hits different. I cannot wait! Have fun – hope to join you soon!

18. I’m in the process of closing on a home in Philly that needs some renovations – drop ceilings, paneling on the walls and could use a new kitchen and bath. Looking for recs for contractors in the area. Thanks in advance!

    1. No recommendations, but if it’s an old home please please please respect it’s craftsmanship and historic character. Philly has such beautiful architecture.

       1. Thank you. I’m not OP but I own an old craftsman and I saw too many of them with the original wainscoting painted white. I had to remove paint from, fortunately, just one wall and it will never be as beautiful as the original walls. Such a shame.

       2. Oh FFS, it’s her house.

          1. I believe in being a steward to our homes which I understand is not popular in a culture of consumerism where everything must be new and shiny and plastic and white.

          2. I disagree. We own a house for a period in its expected lifetime but many other people will likely own the house. Have some respect. Don’t be selfish. Not everything in life is about immediate gratification or making your house, that you are really just today’s caretaker for, look like the “light and bright” “open concept” house you saw on social media, when your house was not built to be either of those things.

             1. I agree with both you and Anonymous @ 2:06 but an ACKCHYUALLY response to a request for recommendations is not the best way to further your ultimate goals.

       3. OP here, house is about 90 years old. Unfortunately the previous owners installed paneling and drop ceilings everywhere, and then proceeded to paint and carpet everything a shade of pink or green. I’m going to try to restore floors and original features to the extent they aren’t damaged and provided it doesn’t significantly up my reno budget.

    2. Definitely check the local FB groups, they’re pretty active for recommendations.

    3. DENNIS MCCAFFREY PAINTING
       (877) 212-5035
       We had him paint both our old and new house.

19. I’m completely over winter and I want to spruce up my house for spring. I am not ready to put away the heavy blankets, but I’m hoping a few spring decor items and (good) faux flowers will make things feel more light and cheery. I’ve also doubled down on some spring cleaning, like dusting baseboards, because why not? When it’s actually spring, I will want to be outdoors. Any other ideas for minor seasonal tweaks?

    I also have the itch to paint my bedroom. There’s nothing wrong with the paint in there, but I am really drawn toward lighter, brighter colors these days.

    1. Vacuuming blinds/window sills, Windex windows, deep vacuum couch/upholstery, organize drawers and closets (vacuum drawers too)

       1. +1 to windows! I noticed the other day that mine are really grody.
          If relevant, go ahead and schedule a spring gutter cleaning.
          If you have outdoor furniture, take a look at the cushions and see what needs to be replaced or washed.
          And definitely paint. I deeply hate the hassle of painting but the end result is always worth it.

          1. Ugh, yes, the hassle. I’m actually really good at painting. It’s all the prep and cleanup that feels insurmountable at times!

    2. What makes my house feel most springlike is deep cleaning, swapping pillow covers and other textiles for light-colored ones, and paring down the decor rather than adding.

    3. Bouncing off of this — where *do* you get good faux flowers? It’s so hard to tell online, which is how I shop nowadays (thanks, COVID).

       1. OP here. I get them at a local shop, so I’m zero help here. In the past, I had luck with Pier One (now online only). I’ve heard Pottery Barn’s are nice, but they are spendy.

          1. I pretty much exclusively get Pottery Barn’s faux flowers / greenery. I’ve been super happy with them (I have beautiful mums for fall, peonies for spring, and aspen branches for fall) and tend to wait for sales to buy them. I have found the price to be right for the quality and enjoyment I’ve gotten from them.

             1. Seconding the rec for Pottery Barn’s faux flowers – I have peonies as well, and they are completely worth the money. I bought them on one of their big sales.

20. BR has some really pretty blouses with SLEEVES right now. It seems silly to buy when I’m not going back to the office until summer at the earliest, but maybe it’s a good idea to pick a few items when I see ’em?

    1. I bought a work shirt from Ann Taylor last month because it was so pretty I couldn’t turn it down, even though I have no idea when I’ll actually wear it. And tops are more forgiving on weight gain than pants. So I say go for it.

    2. Wait for a sale, and then buy. I bought some work clothes on mega sale and look forward to wearing them eventually.

21. I’m looking to book a Caribbean vacation in November. I need something on the calendar to look forward to, even if I eventually need to cancel/reschedule because of covid. Has anyone heard of any great resorts with discounted prices to encourage bookings?

    1. Nothing in particular but I would encourage you to go way south – like Aruba. We did one November Caribbean vacation and it was a rained-out mess from a tropical storm a few islands away.

    2. Putting aside Covid, November’s still hurricane season, so I’d look at the Southern Caribbean (Aruba, Curacao, Trinidad & Tobago, probably some others) as those tend to be less effected by hurricanes. No specific suggestions

    3. Aruba is the perfect destination, as it is outside the hurricane belt, so you do not have to deal with the potential for your vacation to be completely ruined by weather.

    4. No resorts in particular, but Barbados is amazing and outside of the hurricane belt.

22. thank you everyone for chiming in yesterday about buying a house and what people might mean by “feeling” like it was the right one. i am definitely a decision maximizer, which is party of the problem and i used to bounce my thoughts on all option off of my mom whenever going through a decision making process, and she passed away last year, so it is the first time i’ll be making a big decision without her. (yes, i am an adult capable of making my own decisions, but she was a great support and person to talk to).

    1. How did the showings go? And yeah, a house is a big purchase, and it’s totally normal to want someone close to consult with!

    2. Hugs. That makes sense this being harder without your mom. I know that grief pops up at seemingly random times and it doesn’t matter that of course you can make the decision without talking it through with her, it’s the terrible unfairness that you can’t talk it through with her. Big props to you that you recognize what’s going on and aren’t trying to smash down the feelings; that’s key insight and you’re doing really good. I hope you find a person who you can bounce all the ideas off.

    3. Awww hugs me too. My mom passed away 2 years ago and I have a hard time making big decisions without her.

    4. I never had a feeling in the sense that I was magically overcome with emotion that any house I viewed was ‘the one’. But I did have my own metric which was that at bidding time would I be willing to go all in? If I was that means it’s special. I bid and lost on probably 10 homes before I got my current house and how much I wanted those houses was definitely reflected in the quality of offer I was putting forward. None of those 10 were worth going all in or undertaking other risks.

    5. Awww hugs to you. Of course this makes it double hard. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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